Relics of the Past
by Cyrro
Summary: One day after a mission Iruka decides to take in Naruto Uzumaki. What could possibly go wrong? Well... it looks like Naruto just turned off his personal gravity. Oh, and Shisui is prone to sugar highs. Who would've guessed?
1. A Chance Encounter

**AN: the entire story is co written with Ignus Dracorex. (If you go to his profile you'll find he doesn't have any stories of his own. Also: hello again to anyone who read WYSNK.)**

Once there lived a giant nine-tailed fox who was so large and powerful that he could knock the tops off mountains and level valleys with a swipe of a single tail. For years he roamed the Land of Fire, mostly minding his own business. Then one day, he was enslaved by a powerful man and forced to attack the Village Hidden in the Leaves. The people of the village fought desperately until their leader, The Fourth Hokage was able to seal the fox away, dying in the process…

* * *

Five years later, a small boy is sitting on his bed, staring longingly out of his bedroom window at the carved stone faces of the four Hokage of the Hidden Leaf. Unknown to him, watching over the boy from the shadows is an young man. This young man watches over the little boy as much as he can, even though his duties as the ANBU captain Dog keep him very busy.

The little boy sighs, wishing he could have met his hero, the Fourth Hokage.

"Naruto!" calls the woman who is Naruto foster mother. "It's dinner time!"

Sighing, Naruto scrambles off his bed and heads downstairs. They get angry if he is late. Naruto's foster parents make no secret of the fact he is not their child. Nor do they pay him much attention, but he never lacks anything, except affection.

Once Naruto has disappeared downstairs, ANBU Dog vanishes into the gathering dusk.

* * *

Iruka stretches his arms above his head and yawns. His jounin sensei, Shikaku Nara, regards the smallest member of his team critically.

"Did you finish that report for the Hokage?" Shikaku asks.

"Yes," replies Iruka. "Can I go home now?"

"Aren't you going to tell me what happened after you got separated from the rest of us?" asks Shikaku, raising an eyebrow.

"It's too troublesome," says Iruka, coining Shikaku's favourite phrase. "I'm too tired to tell you right now!"

Shikaku starts laughing. "You little ratbag! Get going, little scamp!"

Iruka scrambles away before Shikaku sensei can change his mind and demand an explanation. Iruka makes a beeline for Ichiraku's Ramen. The mission they just got back from took a week and he is in need of some Ramen.

Once he arrives, Iruka settles down for a couple of bowls of ramen and a nice quiet evening avoiding any questions about what happened after he got separated from his team. Iruka pushes the memory of what happen to the back of his mind. He would rather not think about it right now.

As Iruka is shoveling down his bowl of ramen, he sees a small blonde boy creep up to the stool beside him and climb up. Iruka watches out of the corner of his eye as Ichiraku gives the little boy a free bowl and asks him kindly how he has been.

There is something familiar about the boy, Iruka thinks, racking his brains to try and figure out who the boy reminds him of. As he is thinking, Iruka listens to what the boy is telling Ichiraku.

"So, what brings you here at this time of night?" Ichiraku asks the boy.

"Well," the boy takes a deep breath and starts to talk.

* * *

 _Naruto sits quietly at the table, trying to force down the vegetables that his foster mother gave him for dinner. He hates vegetables, but he knows he has to eat them. Trying to take his mind off what he is eating, Naruto asks, "Can you take me to the park tomorrow, please?"_

 _His foster father glares at him. "And why would we do that?"_

 _Naruto ducks his head and mumbles an "I dunno."_

 _Naruto manages to force down a second mouthful of vegetables. As hungry as he is, he still finds it hard to eat the disgusting greens._

 _Unfortunately, his foster mother notices how much trouble he is having with his food. "Why aren't you eating, you ungrateful boy?"_

" _I'm trying!" protests Naruto. "But I don't like vegetables!"_

" _You should be glad you have food," snaps his foster mother. "What if you lived on the streets and had to fend for yourself?"_

" _But I..!"_

" _Go to your room, you ungrateful beast!"_

 _Naruto scrambles to his feet and runs back upstairs to his room. Right now living on the streets fending for himself doesn't sound too bad. Maybe he should try it. It's not like they would even notice._

 _Determined, Naruto shoves a change of clothes and his favourite soft toy into his froggy backpack. The toy was a present from a mysterious person called "Your Godfather". It is a red toad wearing a blue happi vest with a kanji on the back. Naruto cannot read the kanji yet, but when his foster parent grudgingly read him the card he found out the toad's name is Gamabunta. Naruto hugs him whenever he feels lonely._

 _Grabbing the coupon for free ramen that the nice man at Ichiraku Ramen gave him, Naruto climbs out his bedroom window. Jumping to the tree just outside his window, Naruto then lowers himself carefully to the ground. There is a vague scent in the tree branches that Naruto recognizes as belonging to the strange ANBU who appears sometimes and then disappears when he thinks Naruto isn't looking. It is a favourite game of Naruto's to see if he can spot the ANBU. He can always tell if he missed the ANBU because of the smell he leaves behind._

 _Once he is safely on the ground, Naruto heads straight to Ichiraku Ramen for some of the best food in the world._

* * *

Naruto's little story tugs at Iruka's heart strings. What kind of foster parents does he have, anyway?

And who does the kid remind Iruka of? It's driving him nuts.

Throwing subtlety to the wind, Iruka turns and gets a good look at Naruto. Blonde hair, huge blue eyes….

Well, s###.

He looks like the Fourth Hokage.

Iruka remembers something about the Fourth's wife being pregnant around the time of the Kyuubi attack. Who was the fourth's wife again?

Damn. Iruka can't remember.

 _I know this!_ He berates himself mentally. _I know I know this! Who were you? Come on, memory! Work for me!_

Naruto sees Iruka staring at him. "What are you looking at, dattebayo?" he demands, frowning.

Iruka hears a bomb go off in his mind. Kushina.

Naruto Uzumaki.

The container for the Nine Tailed Fox is Kushina and Minato's son.

Well, f###.

"Hello!" Naruto waves his hand in front of Iruka's eyes. "Why are you staring at me?"

Iruka gets back down to earth with a shattering thud. "You're so adorable. Can I keep you?"

"Are you a ninja?" asks Naruto. "Cause I didn't know ninjas were so short. And why would you want to keep me, dattebayo?"

"Ninjas come in all shapes and sizes," replies Iruka. "And yes, I am a ninja! And, um, I… always wanted a little brother, and you're adorable! Can I keep you?"

"Look, mister," says Naruto. "I don't think I should trust you, since you're a stranger and all!"

"Don't call me 'mister'!" snaps Iruka. "I'm just a kid!"

"I would never have guessed!" sasses Naruto sarcastically.

"Now, now, you two," laughs Ichiraku. "There's no need to argue." he turns to Naruto. "Naruto, I don't like the idea of you fending for yourself. But I do like the idea of you living with Iruka. He's a good kid, and I'm sure the Hokage will approve. I certainly do."

Naruto stares up at Ichiraku with wide eyes. "He's a nice person?"

Iruka holds his breath.

Naruto turns to Iruka. "Okay, you can keep me! But no giving me yucky food!"

"I'm not making any promises!" laughs Iruka. "But we'll brave the yucky healthy food together!"

Naruto grins at Iruka.

* * *

As Ichiraku watches Iruka and Naruto leave together he reflect on how fate seems to take a hand when it needs to. He never thought that the last remnants of the Hidden Whirlpool would be thrown together like this. Nor did he think Iruka would be the one to initiate contact.

Ichiraku can almost feel the future changing in response to this one single event. Whether those changes will be for better or worse remains to be seen.


	2. Adopting a Brother is Easy

Kakashi Hatake lands silently in the tree outside Naruto's bedroom window in the early hours of the morning. It is Kakashi's habit to check on Naruto as often as he can, even if he is pressed for time he will stop by to make sure Naruto is alright. He isn't sure how to approach the kid or even talk to him like Lord Third is always telling him to.

Kakashi contents himself with watching from the shadows.

But today, something is wrong. Naruto is not in his bed. Naruto is not downstairs. Or in the bathroom. Or in the garden.

Seriously, where is Naruto?

And where is his backpack and his Gamabunta toy?

S###! S###! S###!

Kakashi doesn't know where to start looking so he goes straight to the Hokage. It is five in the morning, what kind of kid disappears overnight?

"Lord Hokage!" Kakashi bursts through the Hokage's bedroom window where the Third Hokage is sleeping soundly with his mouth hanging wide open and deafening snores filling the room. "Um, Lord Hokage?" Kakashi pokes the Third in the face.

Lord Third wakes up and grumbles, "What is it Kakashi?"

"Naruto is not at his house!"

"Maybe he is out playing?" suggests Lord Third.

"It's five in the morning!"

"I'm sure there is a perfectly reasonable explanation," says the Third, rising and going over to his crystal ball. He activates it and peers in.

Kakashi leans over Lord Third's shoulder and stares at the sight that greets his eyes.

Naruto is spreadeagled across the better part of two futons, with an older boy similarly spreadeagled under him. The other boy seems oblivious to the fact his tummy is being used as a pillow. Both have their mouths wide open and are snoring undignifiedly.

"Who is that boy?" asks Kakashi.

"That is Iruka Umino," says Lord Third.

"You mean he's…"

"Yes." The Third deactivates his crystal ball and goes back to bed. Soon he is snoring as loudly as Naruto.

Kakashi, not quite sure what to do, decides to abuse his status as an ANBU captain to look up Iruka's file.

Kakashi doesn't learn much about Iruka. Iruka is 15 years old; rank genin; Jounin sensei Shikaku Nara; teammates Kotetsu Hagane and Izumo Kamizuki; village of origin…

Well, s###.

He's from the Village Hidden in the Whirlpool.

* * *

Iruka wakes up the next morning to find something heavy and warm lying on his tummy. Trying to remember what happened the night before, he looks down to see a messy mop of golden hair. Oh, that's right. He adopted himself a stray orphan.

Iruka rolls out from under Naruto, waking him up in the process.

"Is it morning?" grumbles Naruto, rubbing his eyes. "I'm still tired, dattebayo!"

"Yeah, it's morning," Iruka tells him. "I have to go to training today, what do you want to do while I'm gone?"

"Can I go to the park?" asks Naruto, eyes shining.

"Okay," says Iruka. "But you have to _stay_ at the park so I can find you once I'm finished training, okay."

"Okay," Naruto nods a few times, his eyes screwed into slits. "How long will you be training for?"

"Probably all day," says Iruka. "Have you started the Academy yet?"

"No." Naruto shakes his head. "Grandpa Hokage said I can start next year."

Iruka makes sure Naruto eats plenty of breakfast and then escorts him to the park. Once there, he hands Naruto a box of sushi and rice balls for lunch and runs to meet his team for training.

When he arrives, Shikaku sensei frowns at him and demands, "Why are you late?"

Wondering how he is going to explain this one away, Iruka says, "I adopted a kid."

"What kid?" asks Shikaku sensei, sounding unamused.

"A kid who I found unattended and decided to keep?" Iruka is feeling less sure of his decision by the second.

"What. Kid."

"Naruto Uzumaki."

Shikaku takes a step forward and peers straight into Iruka's eyes, his gaze as hard as steel. "You better take proper care of him."

"Yes Sensei!"

* * *

Naruto sits on a swing, watching other kids arrive and settle in for their fun and games. Naruto longs to go over to the other kids and ask to join them. But he knows that the other kids get told off by their parents if they play with him, so he stays back.

To Naruto's surprise, not ten minutes after he arrives at the park, a little girl with short black hair walks right up to him and asks, "Do you wanna play with me?"

Naruto grins. "Okay!"

"My name is Hinata," says the girl. "What's yours?"

"Naruto."

Hinata slaps Naruto on the arm and says, "TAG, you're it!" then she runs away laughing.

Naruto laughs and runs after her, tripping and falling in the first two seconds. He gets straight back up and carries on as if nothing happened.

* * *

Hiashi watches from the shadows as his elder daughter runs around like a crazy thing while the Fourth's boy tries desperately to even catch up with her. Ironic really, that the son of a man famed for his speed would be slow and clumsy. It is nice the boy finally found a friend.

Oh, he is going to be the envy of every power-hungry clan-head for miles. His daughter friends with the Jinchuuriki! Hiashi tries not to giggle. Fugaku would never let him hear the end of it.

* * *

However, teasing Hiashi is the last thing on Fugaku's mind. He is busy plotting a coup de tat. Now, what to have for lunch? Can't plot on an empty stomach. You end up coming up with the worst ideas, like prune soup or something. _Blegh._ Fugaku shudders at the thought.

Anyway, back to the coup. Is it really necessary? It is what the clan wants, they seem to believe it is the appropriate response to the way the village has been treating the Uchiha clan. But is it really? The council has been pushing the Uchiha aside, but will rebelling really do any good, or will it just bring more bloodshed?

Fugaku swings around in his swivel-chair, a frown on his face.

What to do about this conundrum?

Fugaku turns when he hears a small knock on his home office door. "Daddy?"

Ah, it's Sasuke.

"Come in," says Fugaku, swiveling his chair around to face the door.

The door slides open and the younger of Fugkau's two daughters peeks in shyly. "Mummy says that lunch is ready!" then she ducks out of sight and runs away.

Looks like contemplating the morals of the coup will have to wait. He'll have to discuss it with Mikoto later.

* * *

Naruto sits on a swing waiting for Iruka to come and collect him. All the other kids have been collected except the chubby boy and his pineapple-headed friend. Finally he sees Iruka arrive, followed by a tall man with hair like the chubby kid's friend. Naruto jumps off the swing and runs to Iruka. He had been starting to wonder if Iruka would really come back for him.

"Iruka!" he shouts, bouncing around Iruka excitedly. "I made a friend! Her name is Hinata and her dad looks REALLY grumpy. But he didn't tell her to stay away from me, so he must be nice."

The man with Iruka makes a noise that sounds like he is choking.

"Hey mister, are you alright?" asks Naruto. "You don't sound too good."

"I'm fine, kid," says the man.

"Naruto, this is my jounin sensei, Shikaku," says Iruka.

"Woah," Naruto says, staring up at the man. "You're a ninja?"

"Yes," says Iruka's sensei. "Shikamaru! Choji!" the man calls to the other two boys, who are still hanging out on the other side of the park.

The two run over. "Hey Dad," says pineapple-head. The boy looks over at Naruto sleepily. "Who are you?"

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki, 'ttatebayo!" Naruto tells him proudly.

"Hi, I'm Shikamaru and this here is CHoji," pineapple head jerks his thumb at the chubby boy.

"Come on, you two," says Shikaku, taking each of the boy by the hand and leading them away, despite Shikamaru's protest that he is too old for hand-holding.

Naruto gazes up at Iruka. Then he swallows nervously and asks, "Can I hold your hand?"

"Huh?" Iruka seems confused for a second. Then he smiles and takes Naruto's hand. "Sure, you can, little brother."


	3. A Simple Way to Annoy Danzo

The clan heads and the Village Elders are gathered for a meeting. Danzo is unhappy about something.

Lord Third has a good idea of what that something is, but he already has his response prepared and the entire situation dealt with. Danzo is just going to have to accept it.

Unless of course Hiruzen is wrong and Danzo called the meeting about something else.

Danzo stands to address the council. "I have requested the meeting to discuss the Jinchuuriki, Naruto Uzumaki," he says.

So, Hiruzen was right.

"What about the jinchuuriki?" asks Hiashi, breaking protocol with a faint smile on his face.

"I have learned that as of two days ago the boy left his foster parents and started living with the genin Iruka Umino," Danzo informs the council.

"That's old news," says Shikaku. "You just called this meeting to be troublesome."

"Naruto is friends with my daughter now," says Hiashi smugly.

"Yes and Naruto thinks you are a nice man," says Shikaku, hiding his grin behind his hand.

Tsume Inuzuka starts laughing hysterically.

The laughter is contagious and soon the entire council, minus Danzo the other two elders and Hiashi himself are laughing their heads off.

Danzo bangs his stick on the floor a few times. "Order!" he calls. "We are here to discuss the new living arrangements of the jinchuuriki!"

"Why?" asks Shikaku. "My student seems to be taking good care of him."

"That is not the issue!" Danzo grinds out. "That boy is a ward of the village! He cannot be under the care of a minor who is not even a citizen of the Hidden Leaf!"

"According to the treaty between the Leaf and the Whirlpool," says Fugaku. "Citizens of the Whirlpool have automatic citizenship in the Leaf and vice-versa."

"Shut up!" snap Danzo. "No one asked for your input!"

Fugaku opens his mouth to protest but Shikaku interrupts. "By inviting him to this meeting you asked for his opinion."

There is a profound hush around the table. In all of Hiruzen's memory he does not remember anyone except the Fourth standing up to Danzo on behalf of the Uchiha clan.

Hiruzen decides it is about time he stepped in. "What is your issue with Naruto Uzumaki being placed in the care of Iruka Umino?" he asks Danzo.

Danzo turns to the Third Hokage and replies, "We cannot trust the care of our village's most powerful weapon to a child from another village!"

"Then instead," says Hiruzen. "Why don't we trust the heir of the Uzumaki clan to to the heir of the Umino clan?"

* * *

Fugaku walks away from the council meeting feeling stunned and light headed. Danzo had caved eventually, after Hiruzen made it clear that Naruto is staying with Iruku, end of discussion. Apparently, The Third already spoke with the jinchuuriki's foster family and told them not to worry about the boy anymore. The meeting had happened so fast after Shikaku stood up to Danzo on Fugaku's behalf that Fugaku had missed most of it due to his shock.

He had long ago given up hope that he would ever be accepted by the other clan heads. Maybe there is hope for the clan after all. Maybe if it's just Danzo… Maybe the clan doesn't need to rebel after all…

Now if only he could find a way to convince the clan.

Like that is actually possible.

And this was probably just a one off thing anyway. The council always unites against Danzo where Minato's son is concerned.

Shaking his head, Fugaku sighs and goes back to the police station to finish his paperwork.

* * *

"Naruto," says Iruka seriously. "This is yours." he hands Naruto a key. "Try not to lose it. If it starts raining while I'm at training I want you to go straight home. Don't stay out in bad weather, alright?"

"Okay," Naruto agrees, nodding. "So what's the key for?"

Iruka suppresses the urge to facepalm. "It's for the apartment door."

"Oh!" Naruto grins. "So I get my own key?"

"Naruto, you _need_ your own key," says Iruka patiently. "If I go on a mission you will be on your own until I get back. And I can't lock you in until I get back, especially if the mission takes a week or more."

"Oh."

After Iruka drops Naruto off at the park, he runs to meet his team. Thankfully he is on time today. Taking care of Naruto takes more time than he thought it would.

Shikaku sensei arrives shortly after Iruka, followed closely by Kotetsu and Izumo. "Iruka, you have done the one thing most spend their lives avoiding doing," says Shikaku.

"What's that?" asks Iruka, confused.

"You attracted Danzo's attention."

Iruka suddenly feels very, very cold.

* * *

Hinata runs straight up to Naruto when she arrives. "Look!" she says, pointing at a gap in the front of her mouth. "I lost my first baby tooth!"

"Wow, really!" Naruto stares at the gap in Hinata's teeth. "I haven't even got any wiggly teeth yet!"

"So what are we gonna play today?" asks Hinata, bouncing up and down in excitement.

Naruto thinks about this. He really, really wants to pull a prank. "Let's prank someone!"

"Who should we prank?"

Naruto looks around the park, searching for likely victims. His eyes rest on a boy with a funny hat on. "That kid!" he point him out to Hinata.

Hinata grins. "Let's put laxatives in his lunch-box!"

"What are laxatives?" asks Naruto, curious. "Are they a type of bug?"

"No, silly!" Hinata giggle. "Laxatives make you need to poo real bad!"

"Where do we get laxatives?" asks Naruto.

"I'll get some from that shop," says Hinata. "You stay here and keep an eye on the target." Hinata runs to the shop just down the road and vanishes inside. Soon she reappears and presents her weapon of choice to Naruto.

A few minutes and a lot of sneaking around later, and the selected target's food is laced with a child-safe laxative. After the children have all stopped and had lunch, one little boy in a hat runs as fast as he can to the park toilets, making it just in time.

Hinata and Naruto giggle to themselves. The boy looks so funny, running around like a headless chicken.

* * *

Danzo slides across the forest floor, his individual steps invisible to the human eye. The person whom he has come to meet drops down out of the trees, landing behind him.

"What do you want, double-crosser?" asks the Mist jounin.

"I want you to kill someone for me," says Danzo. "But do not make it look like an assassination. Simply attack his team the next time they leave the Leaf and ensure he is killed in the conflict."

"Why do you want him dead?" asks the Mist shinobi.

"He is getting in the way of plans I have," replies Danzo. It is easier than trying to explain exactly why he needs this particular shinobi dead, but that is what it essentially boils down to.

"Who is this man?" asks the Mist ninja.

"Not man," says Danzo. "Boy. He is still but a child. Do not be fooled by his youth; he is more skillful than you might think."

"And who might this boy be?"

Danzo pulls a photograph of the boy out of his pocket and passes it over his shoulder to the Mist ninja behind him. "Here is a photograph of the boy. I believe he is familiar to you?"

The Mist ninja is silent for a while. Then; "How much are you willing to pay me?"

"How about XXXXX in advance and XXXXX when the job is done?" suggests Danzo.

"Cough up all the money now and you can consider it done," says the Mist ninja.

"No," says Danzo calmly. "You will only receive payment when I see fit. If you do not comply, I will kill you where you stand."

"And that's supposed to scare me how, exactly?"

Danzo sighs. This is going to be harder than he thought. "You should consider yourself fortunate I decided to hire you rather than kill you," he says. "I can give you the advance fee now, and set it up nicely for you to kill the boy. Or alternatively, I can kill you now and hire someone who agrees with my terms."

"Fine," says the Mist ninja smoothly. "Pay me to do your dirty work. But if I fail to kill this boy, take it as a sign that I am dead."

"If that boy returns from his next mission alive, and I find out you are still living I will hunt you down and kill you myself," says Danzo.

"Oh, I'm so scared," says the Mist ninja sarcastically.


	4. How to Not Ninja

The rain pouring down does not quite hide the three soggy ninjas standing in the forest talking. But it goes a long way towards hiding their conversation from any who might listen.

"You aren't actually going to do it, are you?" asks the man wearing a mask.

"Well I was paid to do it," replies the Mist ninja. "And I am technically a trained assassin, not to mention if I don't do it, Danzo will kill me. So I probably should do it...but it would be like killing a kitten, and I really don't like killing kittens. So maybe I won't do it."

"But…?" prompts the masked woman.

"But like I said, if I don't kill him, Danzo will kill me," says the Mist ninja. "And after that he will just get someone else to kill the kid."

"I'm assuming you have a point with all this?" asks the masked Man.

"Yes," confirms the Mist ninja. "I am going to make it appear for all intents and purposes as if I actually intend to kill him. But I will only hurt him badly - badly enough that it looks like I tried to kill him, but not badly enough that a medical ninja couldn't save him."

"I'm guessing that's where we come in?" says the masked woman.

"Yes," says the Mist ninja. "I have run into this boy many times on the battlefield. His team doesn't not have a field medic. If my plan is to succeed, then I need two things. The first is a rescue team for the boy and his team. The second is a skilled medic."

"And that's why you turned to us?" guesses the masked man. "We can provide both." He crosses his arms. "We don't work for free. Especially with this kind of job. What are you willing to give us in exchange for our assistance?"

"I was hoping you would accept the advance fee Danzo gave me," says the Mist ninja. "I don't want it. Besides, if my plan works, then Danzo will be exposed for what he really is."

"You know," says the masked woman. "You could've said so sooner."

* * *

Itachi Uchiha sits on the front steps of her house eating a stick of dango. She is unaware of it, but sitting there, swinging her legs with her eyes shut in bliss while wearing her ANBU uniform, she looks rather silly.

 _Ah, well._ Thinks Shisui. _She's a girl, so she can get away with it._ Shisui walks up to Itachi and sit down next to her. "Enjoying yourself?" he asks.

Itachi opens her eyes in surprise and turns to stare at Shisui like she didn't even hear him approach. "How long have you been here?" she asks, wide eyed.

"I just got here," he says. "You really are oblivious to everything when you're eating dango, aren't you?"

Itachi blushes bright red and tries to hide her dango.

Shisui laughs and asks, "How are you getting on in the ANBU?"

Itachi stares down at her stick of dango. "I hate having to kill people."

"What are your teammates like?" asks Shisui.

"They're okay, I guess," says Itachi. "They thought I would be easy to scare, since I'm so young. But once I proved them wrong they accepted me pretty quickly."

"Have you found anything that will help us stop the coup?" Shisui asks, lowering his voice.

"No," whispers Itachi. "Have you?"

"I heard that Shikaku Nara stood up to Danzo on your father's behalf at the last council meeting."

Itachi looks up in surprise. "He did?"

"Yeah, he did."

Itachi smiles, hope shining in her eyes. "Maybe the answer lies with the other clans, not the Hokage or the ANBU."

"That's what I was thinking," says Shisui, grinning. He stands. "Well, I have a mission I'm supposed to be going on, so I'll see you in a day or two."

* * *

"Now, Naruto," says Iruka. "While I'm gone you'll be by yourself, so make sure you eat properly, go to bed on time and don't stay out too late. Try not to get into any trouble. There's some money in that drawer if you need to buy more food-"

"I get it, Iruka niisan," interrupts Naruto. "I'll behave!"

Iruka is still worried. Naruto is only five, after all. "I'll be gone for at least a week. I don't want to return to find you've gotten yourself into some kind of trouble or gotten sick, or hurt-"

"I never get sick," says Naruto cheerfully. "And I heal really fast! I'll be fine Iruka niisan!"

"Okay," Iruka finally relents. "I better go. I'm supposed to meet my team at the gates soon."

"I'll come with you!" says Naruto. "And then I can wave like crazy and yell encouraging stuff at you when you leave!"

Iruka has to choke back his laughter at that enthusiastic statement. "Alright, but no trying to follow me!"

"Yes, Niisan!" says Naruto, saluting seriously.

Naruto and Iruka make their way to the village gates, Naruto trying to match Iruka's steps exactly. When they arrive at the gates, Iruka's teammates start giggling.

"Cute," says Izumo.

"Iruka has a shadow!" teases Kotetsu.

Naruto looks down on the ground. "Everyone has a shadow," he says, confused.

"They meant _you_ are my shadow," says Iruka, sighing.

"Huh?" Naruto looks even more confused. "How can I be a shadow?"

"It's a figure of speech," says Kotetsu. "It means you're following him around and acting like him."

"OH! I get it!" Naruto smiles and nods, more pleased with the fact he actually gets the joke than with the actual joke.

"If you're finished mucking around," says Shikaku sensei. "Can we get on with this troublesome mission?"

"Oh, right," says Iruka. "Sorry, sensei."

The team heads out, and Iruka turns to wave to Naruto. Naruto is jumping up and down, waving his hands around like a crazy thing.

"BYE IRUKA NIISAN!" Naruto yells. "BE CAREFUL!"

"This is a C Rank, the worst we'll run into is bandits!" mumbles Kotetsu. "The kid's got nothin' to worry about."

* * *

Naruto doesn't stop waving until Iruka niisan is completely out of sight. Then he turns and runs to the park to find Hinata. When he arrives he finds her chatting to Shikamaru and Choji, who play with them sometimes. It's been a week since Naruto started living with Iruka, and he already has 3 friends. Well, one best friend and two sort-of friends, but still.

"Hi, guys!" Naruto calls as he runs up to them.

"Hi Naruto," says Hinata.

"Oh, hey Naruto," says Choji.

"Hi," says Shikamaru, sounding bored.

"Iruka niisan is on a mission," says Naruto. "So we can pull a bigger prank while he's gone! Who's in?"

"I am!" says Hinata instantly.

"That's too troublesome," says Shikamaru. "I don't want to."

"I don't think my mum would want me pulling pranks on people," says Choji. "Sorry, but I'm not in either."

"I guess it's just you and me then, Naruto," says Hinata.

"Aw, I wanted to pull a big prank!" Naruto sighs.

"We can still pull a big prank," says Hinata. "We just need to plan it very carefully first. How long is Iruka san going to be away?"

"About a week," says Naruto.

"Then let's plan it today and tomorrow," says Hinata. "Then we can pull it off on Wednesday."

"Okay!" says Naruto. "What should we do?"

"I don't know," admits Hinata.

The two children sit down in the grass and start combing their brains as hard as they can for ideas.

"Who should we prank?" wonders Hinata. "If we know who to prank, figuring out what kind of prank will be a lot easier."

"Hm…." Naruto screws up his face in concentration.

He and Hinata lie in the grass for hours, racking their brains for a likely victim. Naruto has barely notices the time pass and is surprised when his stomach starts clamoring for food.

"We better have lunch," says Hinata, giggling. "Before your tummy turns into a giant ravenous wolf!"

"How would it do that?" asks Naruto, confused.

"It can't, silly!" laughs Hinata. "Let's just have lunch."

"Okay," says Naruto, sitting up. While Hinata and Naruto were thinking, Shikamaru and Choji had gone off to find a spot to watch the clouds.

Hinata and Naruto sit in the grass and happily munch their boxed lunches. While they eat, Naruto looks around at the people he can see from his position at the edge of the park. Seeing something that catches his attention, Naruto starts giggling.

"What?" asks Hinata. "Did you think of a prank?"

"No, but I thought of the perfect people to play one on!" he giggles.

"Who?" Hinata's eyes are shining in anticipation.

"See that police man over there?" he point to the Uchiha policeman who is patrolling past the park. "Doesn't he look grumpy?"

"Yeah, he does," agrees Hinata.

"They all look so grumpy all the time," continues Naruto. "Why don't we liven their lives up a bit?"

Hinata grins evilly. "You know," she says. "I always thought the policemen would look better with mustaches."


	5. Rainbow Mustaches

Shisui motions to his teammates to take up positions in the trees. Their quarry is approaching. Shisui's team is investigating a report one of Danzo's people brought back about increased Mist ninja presence on the border between the Land of Fire and the Land of Water.

A small team of Mist ninjas approaches cautiously, scanning the terrain for any sign of enemy shinobi.

Shisui makes signs to his team to observe until further notice.

Carefully, the Mist ninjas advance, and just as carefully the leaf ninjas tail them. Then, without any warning at all, one of the Mist shinobi turns and sends a volley of kunai in Shisui's direction. Faster that the speed of light, Shisui shunshins into the middle of the enemy.

The Mist ninjas scatter, and Shisui's own team engages them. One of the enemy tries to attack Shisui, who simply shunshin's behind him and kills him quickly.

One by one the Mist ninjas fall to the Leaf.

"Well, that was anti-climatic," jokes Shisui.

His teammates groan and search the bodys for anything that might reveal their purpose. Then they seal the bodies into scrolls and head back to the Leaf to report what they found.

* * *

Hinata kneels down in the grass and drops the contents of her pockets on the ground. Felt tip pens and permanent markers spill out across the grass along with a bag containing a white powder and another bag with round tablets in it.

"What are those pills?" asks Naruto. "And that powder?"

"It's sleeping powder I pinched from the cupboard in the bathroom at my house," explains Hinata.

"Ohhh!" Naruto stares at it with wide eyes. "Won't you get in trouble?"

Hinata giggles. "I'll just blame it on the oni."

"Are onis real?"

"I don't know!" Hinata giggles again. "I also took all the felts and vivids I could find in case some don't work on Uchiha skin."

Naruto picks up a pink felt. "We should use the different colours to make pretty patterns to cheer up the policemen."

"Like free face-painting!"

"Yeah!"

"You take half, and I'll take half," says Hinata, gathering up some markers. "That way we can cover more ground."

Naruto starts stuffing markers into his pockets. "How are we gonna get them to eat the sleeping stuff?" he asks.

Hinata grins. "We'll just put it in their lunch boxes and coffee cups. Then once they are all asleep after they have their lunch, we can draw on their faces."

"Okay!" Naruto grins. "But how much do we use?"

"Well," says Hinata. "We just need to sprinkle some powder in their lunch and put a tablet in each cup." She hands the bag of tablets to Naruto. "You are in charge of the drinks. Make sure they don't see you - and trust me, they are VERY good at seeing."

"Yes, commander!" salutes Naruto, then starts giggling.

"Let's move out, soldier!" commands Hinata, pointing up into the air. Then she turns and marches off with much purpose. Naruto follows, marching in time with Hinata.

They reach the police headquarters in record time and sneak inside. Hands over their mouths to stop themselves from giggling, they sneak into the locker room to find the policemen's lunches.

Naruto tries to open one of the lockers. "Aw, it's locked!"

"I'll take care of things here," says Hinata. "You sneak into the main building amd get those pills into their drinks!"

"Yes commander!" Naruto whispers and sneaks out of the room.

Outside the locker room, the police station seems cold and empty. Naruto sneaks from room to room, avoiding notice by pretending he is meant to be there. In each room he finds a cup and drops a pill in it when the owner isn't looking.

One of the officers sees him wandering around. "What are you up to, boy?" she demands with her hands on her hips.

"I'm lost," says Naruto, screwing his face up and sticking his bottom lip out while pretending to cry. "I can't find the nice police chief-man."

The police lady smiles. "And why are you looking for the chief?" she asks.

"I wanna ask him something and this is the only place I knew ta find him, since I dunno where his house is." Naruto adorns his face with the most innocent, guileless expression in his arsenal.

The police lady looks surprised. "I guess I better take you to see the chief, then," she says. Then she grabs Naruto by the wrist and forcefully leads him upstairs to a door labeled 'Police Chief'.

"Hey chief!" the lady knock on the door. "You got a visitor!"

"I'm busy!" floats back through the door.

"So am I," counters the lady. "And since the kid wants you, you can deal with him!" She opens the door and shoves Naruto through it. Then she shuts the door behind him. Naruto hears her footsteps clumping away.

Naruto turns to see the police chief. "Hi!" he says, smiling winningly.

The police chief gazes at Naruto for the longest while. Then he says, "What do you want?"

Naruto sets his sights on the police chief's cup of tea and makes a beeline for the desk. "Well," he says, leaning on the desk and pulling himself up so he can see over the top. His feet barely touch the floor. "I heard that you have a kid my age, and I've never seen her around but I wanna meet her. Can you introduce me to her? I really like making new friends, and Hinata does too!" Naruto drops back to the floor and trots around the desk. He can just about reach the cup from here. The policeman is just staring at him. "What are you doing?" Naruto pretends to be interested in the chief's paperwork. "Is it interesting? I bet it's really important. What is all that paper for?" he peers at the paper, leaning forward so that his body is between the chief and his cup. Then he subtly slips in a sleeping pill.

The police chief gently pushing Naruto away from his paperwork.

Naruto continues his talking, too nervous to stop. "What's your daughter like? Is she nice? When are you gonna let me meet her? Is she older or younger than me-"

"Do you have ADHD, or something, kid?"

"What's ADHD?" asks Naruto. "Is it a type of food?"

The police chief bangs his head down on the table and groans. "Damn Uzumaki genes!" he mumbles.

"But I'm not wearing jeans!"

Fugaku, looking rather pale, picks up his cup of tea and downs it in one gulp. Then the cup falls to the floor and Fugaku passes out across his desk.

Naruto looks down at his hands. It seems in his nervousness he accidently put in five tablets instead of one. Oops.

Oh well. Face-drawing time!

Naruto pulls on the back of the Fugaku's shirt so he can get at his face. After some tugging and a lot of effort, Naruto's effort is rewarded and Fugaku falls undignified into a sitting position with his head lolling over the back of the chair. Naruto climbs onto Fugaku's lap so he can reach his face and pulls out a black pen. Then he draws a mustache as carefully as he can. All that practice drawing mustaches with Hinata pays off and the mustache turns out pretty well. Pleased with his handiwork, Naruto climbs down and walks out of the door like he just finished an appointment instead of a prank.

Grinning, Naruto strolls into the nearest room to see sleepy policemen yawning and falling asleep left right and center. He scampers off to find Hinata. She is in the locker room hiding in a corner while a small group of police eat their lunch. Soon the policemen are yawning a mumbling about taking a nap, then lying down and falling asleep.

Once they are all knocked out, Hinata and Naruto advance with markers in their hands. Mustaches and monobrows are the order of the day, with a few added whiskers and a goatee.

Naruto giggles as he gives the most serious looking of the group a rainbow on his cheek.

The two children run out of the locker room and into the hallway.

"Where to next?" asks Hinata.

"I already got the chief!" giggles Naruto. "And while I was at it I asked if we could meet his daughter who's our age!"

"Wow, I didn't know boys could multitask!" Hinata grins. "Let's see if the guys in that room are knocked out yet!"

"We better check we didn't miss any!" whispers Naruto. "I don't wanna get caught."

"And why not?" asks a voice from behind them. "Are you doing something you shouldn't be?"


	6. A Stalemate Ends

The two masked travellers known as Wind and Rain watch the fight between Shisui and the Mist ninjas with interest. It's been a few days since the Mist ninja hired them for a very delicate job. However, if the boy wins rather than the Mist ninja it will throw a serious spanner in the works of their plan. As such the pair of freelance ninjas have been watching every team that comes out of the Mist to gauge their strength. Hopefully the plan will work.

Shisui's team finishes wiping the forest floor with their enemies.

"That boy has potential," says Rain. "Maybe there is hope for the Uchiha clan after all."

Wind smiles under her mask. "He is definitely one to keep far away from Danzo."

"Speaking of which," says Rain. "We have a boy to save, don't we?"

Wind nods. "We had better go and save him instead of watching fights that are obviously unfair."

* * *

Iruka's team arrives at the village they were sent to on the second day. The village seems deserted at first glance. Shikaku sensei leads them to the house of the man they were told to meet.

Then man hurries them inside and looks around suspiciously before closing the door. Then he turns to the group. "I hope you're here about the bandits," he says.

"We are," says Shikaku. "Are they that bad that everyone is hiding from them?"

"Oh, they're bad alright," says the man. "Usually the townspeople can take care of roving bandits, but these ones were too much for us so we sent for some ninjas." He peers around at them. "You three seem alright, but maybe the little guy should go home. This is too dangerous for a twelve year old."

Iruka blushes bright red. "I'm fifteen, not twelve!"

"Still," insists the man. "You look like an easy target, so they'll all converge on you and overpower you-"

"Hush!" snaps Shikaku sensei. "My team is capable of fighting off a few bandits. Now leave Iruka alone."

"Yes sir," says the man, still apparently not convinced.

"Now, where are these bandits?"

* * *

Once the ninjas have left his house, the man smiles and makes himself a cup of tea. Soon the boy who still looks 12 will be dead and Danzo sama will be very pleased. Unless, of course, that jounin interferes.

Then the man will simply kill the boy himself.

Those are Danzo sama's orders, and the Root operative plans to carry them out to the letter.

Still, he wishes he could see the looks on the Leaf ninja's faces when they find out there are no bandits.

Just a fully equipped team of Mist jounin.

* * *

Out in the forest, Iruka feels a familiar chakra. One he knows because he has fought that particular ninja before. Iruka grins. Fighting this particular ninja is something he always looks forward to. All their matches so far have ended in stalemates.

Then Iruka realizes something.

"There are no bandits," he says to his team. "They are shinobi. This is a trap!"

"Good observation!" the Mist ninjas materialize out of the trees. "You're a smart kid!" the one speaking grins maniacally.

Iruka's team shifts into a defensive formation.

 _Where is she?_ Wonders Iruka. She didn't step out with the others. The slightest sound of an object flying through the air alerts Iruka to her whereabouts. _There!_ He turns and brings his kunai up to block her aerial attack.

"Back so soon?" she taunts, backing away from the main group of fighters. It seems she wants to go strictly one-on-one again. "And it seems you still haven't grown any."

"Means I can still duck all your attacks," counters Iruka cheerfully. He stalks forward, carefully keeping up his guard.

Mei Terumi smiles and says, "I'll just have to kick you then."

Iruka leaps forward and swings his kunai in a deadly arc.

Mie reads his move perfectly and blocks with ease. "Tell me," she says conversationally. "Do you want to die?"

"Not overly," says Iruka. "I have a little brother to look after."

"Then I suggest you let me win this fight," says Mei.

"No way!" says Iruka. "You are my enemy, why would I let you win?" _Even if you are hot, senpai._

"See this?" she holds up an envelope. "This is for you. You'll need to show it to your Hokage. But first, _let me beat you_."

"Hell no!" Iruka attacks again.

Mei dives forward and shoves the envelope down the front of his shirt. "I'm so sorry, Iruka," she says. Then she jumps back and lets loose a waterfall of lava.

Iruak tries to dodge, but he is caught by the very edges of the jutsu. Then Mei is there, behind him, knocking him over the back of the head.

As he falls unconscious he realizes that she held back in every fight they ever had. Just like he did.

* * *

Hinata and Naruto freeze. Slowly they turn to see the man standing behind them. To their tiny five year old eyes he seems like a giant. With his arms crossed and his face wearing a frown he looks even scarier. They can't see the Uchiha symbol on his shirt but they know it is there. Everything about him screams 'Uchiha'.

"We were just pulling a harmless prank!" squeaks Naruto. "Honest!"

The Uchiha's face breaks out in a smile. "What kind kind of prank?" he asks, gleefully.

Suddenly he doesn't look nearly as scary and Naruto realizes the Uchiha is just a teenager, younger than Iruka niisan. "Well, um," Naruto clasps his hands behind his back innocently. "We were just drawing mustaches and stuff on people's faces. You know, the police people who we knocked out with the sleeping tablets Hinata stole from her dad."

The Uchiha grins. "Can I help?"

Naruto and Hinata are so shocked they just stare at him for a long time. Finally, Hinata says, "Okay, here's a marker." she pulls out a permanent marker and holds it up.

The Uchiha takes it and says, "Thank you. I am Shisui Uchiha. What are your names?"

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki!" announces Naruto.

"I am Hinata Hyuuga," says Hinata politely. Naruto wonders vaguely what it is like to be polite. Maybe he should ask Iruka niisan to teach him.

"Cool," says Shisui. "Who's face shall I draw on?"

"We were gonna draw on those guys next," says Naruto, pointing into the room he and Hinata were just about to enter.

Shisui grins and walks straight into the room. Naruto and Hinata follow him somewhat nervously. Shisui grins around the room at the snoozing police and heads over to one saying, "I've been wanting to get back at you for making fun of Itachi for ages." he pulls the cap off his marker with much purpose. "Time to face my wrath!" Then he stops and turns. "You don't happen to have any other colours, do you?"

"We have all the colours," says Hinata, pulling out a handful of felts.

Shisui takes a pink one, a bright green one and an orange one. He then proceeds to colour the policeman's cheeks pink, his eyebrows orange and give him a green mustache. Naruto and Hinata watch in curiosity. When he is finished, Shisui turns to them. "You better get drawing before the next patrol returns."

"Right!" Naruto scrambles off to decorate some Uchiha-face.

Hinata heads in a different direction and soon the whole room is full of graffitied Uchihas. The trio moves on to the next room and gets busy drawing. Shisui claiming the rights to draw on the ones he has a personal vendetta against. After Shisui uses the word 'vendetta' for the first time Naruto asks what it means.

"A vendetta is where someone annoyed you and you wanna get even," Shisui explains.

"So like how half my family hates the other half and wants to get back at them!" says Hinata, nodding.

"Yes, very much like that," Shisui says, drawing a pony on a particularly sour-looking man's face.

"I think most of the village must have a vendetta against me," says Naruto sadly. "They all glare at me and yell at me and stuff."

"Naruto," says Shisui seriously, crouching down in front of the small boy. "If anyone mistreats you you should find the nearest police officer and tell them what happened. If they ignore you, go straight to the chief."

"Yes Shisui-san," says Naruto. Then he grins. "I drew a mustache on the chief! And I asked him if I could be friends with his kid who's my age!"

Shisui laughs. "I'll see if I can arrange for you two to meet," he says. "But she might not want to. Sasuke is very shy."

"Do you know her?" asks Naruto surprised.

"Yes," nods Shisui. "I'm good friends with her big sister."


	7. Trouble in Police Town

Shikaku orders his students to get behind him. These Mist shinobi are obviously jounin level. If this is a trap, he wonders, who is it for? Kotetsu and Izumo take up defensive positions on either side of Shikaku.

Where is Iruka? Shikaku glances around quickly. Iruka is engaged in combat already. Is it possible the trap was for him?

Shikaku turns back to his opponents. No time to make a plan. The Mist ninjas attack, coming from all sides. There are three of them, one per opponent. That's rare, reflects Shikaku. Usually there are either more or less when it comes to Mist ninjas. The only explanation is that they planned for one-on-one matches.

The shinobi battle, the Leaf having to defend rather than attack. Shikaku kneels down and makes the hand sign for the shadow possession jutsu. Their only hope now is to stop the enemy before the fight gets out of hand. If he is right, then they need to wrap this up and go help Iruka.

"Shadow possession jutsu!" Shikaku traps the Mist ninjas before anyone realizes what he is doing.

"What?" one of the Mist ninjas tries to break the jutsu. "How are you doing this?"

"I am a Nara," grins Shikaku. "This is my clan's special jutsu."

"SENSEI!" Kotetsu's shout alerts Shikaku to the waterfall of lava headed in their direction.

"Get out of the way!" Shikaku orders, leaping up into the trees. His students follow him and the Mist ninjas get dragged along by his shadow possession jutsu.

Shikaku's jutsu breaks just as he spots Iruka being hit over the back of the head by the Mist kunoichi whom Iruka keeps meeting on the battlefield. Shikaku isn't certain, but from his position in the trees, that looks like a killing blow. So the trap was for Iruka. The real question then is why.

Shikaku drops to the forest floor and attacks the kunoichi. "Who sent you?" he demands. "And what do they want?"

"I left my orders with Iruka," she grins. "Search him once this battle's over. If you win, that is." She leaps back and sends a blast of boiling hot air at Shikaku.

Shikaku is starting to get annoyed with how troublesome this fight is becoming.

"Hey, buddy, aren't you forgetting something?" asks one of the other Mist ninjas.

Shikaku turns to see that Kotetsu and Izumo are being held at kunai point. Shikaku feels more frustrated than angry. This is so troublesome. They are going to lose the fight, aren't they?

"Surrender or they die!" orders the shinobi holding Izumo. He presses the kunai into Izumo's neck.

There is a flash of purple then a flash of blue. Izumo and Kotetsu are freed from the Mist shinobis' clutches. Now they are in the clutches of two masked ninjas. One of the ninjas is a woman in a long purple cloak and hood wearing a mask that covers the lower half of her face. The other is a tall man, similarly clad in a long dark blue cloak and hood. His mask covers his whole face and shrouds his eyes in shadow.

"S##! It's Wind and Rain!" the Mist ninja who had had Kotetsu says, sounding scared.

Wind and Rain? The names sound familiar, but Shikaku can't quite remember where he has heard them before.

"Retreat," says the Mist kunoichi. "The four of us are no match for these two."

"Yes captain!" The Mist ninjas retreat faster than they appeared. Soon there is no sign of them.

Shikaku crouches down and checks Iruka's neck for a pulse. It is there, but faint. He turns to the two newcomers. "Who are you and what do you want?"

"I am Wind," says the woman, releasing Izumo and dropping down from the tree she was standing in. "and he is Rain. We are here to help you."

"And how did you know we would need help?" asks Shikaku.

"May I?" asks Wind, pointing at Iruka. "He will die if I do not treat him."

"How we knew is none of your concern," says Rain as Wind kneels down beside Iruka and starts treating his burns with medical ninjutsu. "Just know that we were paid to protect this boy." he points to Iruka.

"There," Wind finishes administering first aid to Iruka. "He will be fine; but I would advise taking him straight back to the Leaf and getting him in the hospital."

"Are you sure he'll be okay on the trip back?" asks Kotetsu. "Maybe we should should stay in the town for a few days."

"No!" snaps Rain. "Do not go back to that town. The man who sent you here was a spy for the man who tried to have this boy assassinated. Go straight back to the Leaf. We will take care of the spy."

"Right," agrees Shikaku, scooping up the unconscious Iruka. Now that Wind has wrapped up the burns on Iruka's lower arms and shins he doesn't look quite so bad. His clothes and hair a little singed but it seems the real damage was done by the blow to the head. "Let's go, boys."

"Yes sensei!" chorus Kotetsu and Izumo.

* * *

Fugaku wakes up with a splitting headache. "What happened?" he groans, trying to remember how he ended up sleeping in such an uncomfortable position. Wincing, Fugaku massages the crick in his neck. His neck is so sore, as is his back. Fugaku pulls himself to his feet and stretches out the cramps in his muscles. Whenever he moves, something cracks.

Seriously, how did he fall asleep at his desk in the first place?

"Chief! Chief!" the door bursts open and two of the officers who were due to return from patrol burst in. "What happened here?" For some reason they both look horrified.

"What are you talking about?" Fugaku asks, scratching his top lip. It is itchy for some reason.

"There's…" one of the officers points behind himself. "All the officers…! They're all…"

Fukagu pushes past the gibbering officer and heads downstairs. All the officers are gathered in the lobby staring at each other in horror. Fugaku sees why immediately.

Every single one has had their face drawn on.

Every single one has a mustache and many other decorations, from ponies to monobrows.

"How did this happen?" demands Fugaku.

The officers turn to him.

"We have no idea, sir," admits one officer.

"When did you grow a mustache, sir?" asks another officer.

"I don't have a mustache," says Fugaku, then instantly realizes.

He runs to the nearest reflective surface and checks his reflection. He does indeed have a mustache. A surprisingly well-drawn mustache.

"You know," says Fugaku. "I like this mustache. I think I'll grow me a real one." He turns back to his police force. "I need all of you to wash your faces and get back to work. I will investigate this prank."

"We tried washing our faces sir. Whoever did this used permanent markers!"

"Then use better soap!" Snaps Fugaku and sweeps away to find the culprits of this prank.

"Um, sir?" asks an officer. "Aren't you going to wash off that mustache?"

"No, I think I'll keep it for now." Fugaku closes the door behind him, shutting out further inquiry into the matter. Now, who could be responsible for this? What was the last thing he did before he fell asleep? That's right: he drank his tea. Naruto was giving him a splitting headache…

Naruto. He must have slipped something in Fugaku's tea while he was pretending to be interested in the paper work. Well, off to find the kid. He really is just like his mother.

Fugaku tracks Naruto to the park and locates the boy sitting under a tree with two other people. Fugaku identifies the girl as Hinata Hyuuga and the older boy as…

Shisui? What's Shisui doing with a couple of kids?

Fugaku creeps forward, being careful to stay out of sight. Once he is close enough he settles in to listen to what the three children are saying.

"That was so much fun!" Shisui is saying. "Anytime you two want help with a prank, come and find me!"

 _Shisui helped them?!_

"You draw really good ponies," says Hinata.

"And you two draw really good mustaches," grins Shisui. "I can't believe you managed to draw on Fugaku sama!"

Naruto laughs and scratches the back of his head. "I was so scared he would catch me! I just started babbling whatever I could think of until he drank his tea!"

Hinata giggles. "I always knew Uchihas would look better with mustaches!"

"Although I'm not sure if pink is the best colour for some of them!" adds Shisui laughing.

 _So,_ thinks Fugaku. _It was Naruto who drew this mustache on my face afterall. I wonder how he will react when he sees me with a real one._ Then he remembers something. _I wonder how_ Mikoto _will react!_ Suddenly Fugaku is worried. _What if she forbids me from growing a mustache?_

* * *

Danzo's agent turns away from the report he is writing. Something isn't right.

A man steps out of the shadows. He is tall and wears a long dark blue cloak. A mask covers his whole face.

"How did you get in here?" asks the agent evenly.

"The same way I will leave once you are dead," says the man calmly.

Danzo's agent barely sees the cloaked man move, then everything goes black.


	8. Fuuinjutsu Is Easy, Right?

When night falls, Shikaku calls a halt. Iruka is still unconscious, and if Shikaku is right he will stay that way for another day or two. Izumo and Kotestu are glad to stop and promptly start securing the area and making camp so they can fall on the grass and moan about how tired they are.

While they are doing that, Shikaku searches Iruka's clothing and finds a letter in his shirt. However, when he tries to open it, a seal appears on the back. Shikaku examines the seal, discovering that it his beyond his skill level. He is no fuuinjutsu master.

Kotetsu and Izumo fall to the ground and start moaning about how tired they are. It seems they are finished setting up camp.

Shikaku tucks the envelope safely into one of the pockets of his Jounin vest. He'll need to show it to Lord Third.

* * *

Shisui finds Sasuke at one of the training grounds watching Itachi practice her kunai throwing. "Hey, girls!" Shisui calls, deciding not to sneak up on Itachi this time in case he scares Sasuke.

Itachi throws a kunai at Shisui's head, which he deftly catches.

"What do you want?" asks Sasuke, scowling. It seems that she is too annoyed with him to be shy.

"Hello Shisui," says Itachi politely.

Shisui grins and pats Sasuke on the head. "How would you like some new friends?" he asks. "I met some nice kids yesterday who asked if they could meet you. What do you say I introduce you to them?"

Sasuke stares at Shisui for a few seconds. Then she shakes her head so violently her ponytail whacks her in the face. "No!" she refuses.

"Are you sure?" asks Itachi. "I doubt many kids your age will ask to be your friend since you never go anywhere."

Sasuke continues to shake her head. "Don't want to."

"Okay," says Shisui. "But when you start the Academy remember that Naruto and Hinata wouldn't mind being your friends."

* * *

There is nothing like a bit of paperwork to put you to sleep first thing in the morning, Hiruzen thinks. There is less of it today because Fugaku decided not to press charges for Naruto's latest prank. According to Fugaku, Naruto did him and the clan a huge favour by showing them how good they would all look with mustaches. Fugaku is growing one now, much to the amusement of Mikoto.

However, Hiruzen can't help thinking Fugaku didn't tell him everything he knew about the prank. No matter. Hiruzen is sure it is not important.

Shikaku Nara enters the Hoakge's office. It would appear he is back from his mission. "Lord Hokage," he says. "There is a matter that needs your attention."

"Oh, and what might it be?" asks Hiruzen.

"That mission was a trap," says Shikaku. "And the target was Iruka."

"What?" Hiruzen sits up a lot straighter than he ever thought possible. "Why would anybody want that boy dead? Is he alright?"

"Iruka will live," says Shikaku grimly. "But he will be in the hospital for a few days. This," he holds up an envelope, "holds the answers we need. Unfortunately the seal used on it is above my level."

Hiruzen takes the envelope and examines the seal on it. It is beyond his level too. "The Fourth might have been able to undo this," he tells Shikaku. "But I cannot." Hiruzen folds his hands under his chin, deep in thought. Finally he realizes they have only one choice. "We had better show this to young Iruka and see what he makes of it. I understand he is quite proficient in fuuinjutsu."

Shikaku sighs. "I suppose that whoever sealed this knew that."

"Precisely," says Hiruzen. "Now go and write me a full report. I will take this to Iruka."

"Yes Lord Hokage." Shikaku bows and exits the room.

Hiruzen sighs and almost quits being hokage right then. Why did everything go back to being a complete fiasco as soon as Minato died?

And speaking of Minato…

"HEY! GRANDPA HOKAGE!" yells Naruto, crashing into Hiruzen's office. "I'M HERE FOR MY CHECK UP!"

It sounds like Naruto is here for his weekly check in. And just when Hiruzen really wanted some time alone. Just great.

"Hello Naruto," says Hiruzen very patiently. "What's this I hear about you drawing mustaches on the policemen?"

Naruto scratches the back of his head and says, "Well, we thought they needed some excitement and Hinata thought they would look better with mustaches and Shisui helped because he has a vendetta against some of them and I accidently put too much sleeping powder in the chief's tea and-"

"Stop!" Hiruzen holds up a hand. "What do you mean Shisui helped?"

"Shisui helped after he caught us," explains Naruto.

"Us?"

"Me and Hinata."

Hiruzen sighs heavily. Fugaku did not mention that Shisui and Hinata helped. "Naruto," he says patiently. "You are lucky that Fugaku did not press charges."

"He didn't?" Naruto's eyes go very wide. "He must be a nice man too!"

Curious, Hiruzen asks, "What do you mean 'too'?"

"Well, Hinata's dad is a nice man, and the chief of police is a nice man too!" Naruto grins happily.

Hiruzen considers this statement. Yes, he realizes, Fugaku is in fact a nice man. He's just been so grumpy lately people seem to have forgotten that. "You know," Hiruzen says to Naruto. "Fugaku mentioned that he liked the look of the mustache you gave him and he is going to grow a real one."

"Really?" Naruto's face explodes in happiness. "He liked the mustache?"

"Yes," says Hiruzen patronizingly. "He's going to grow a mustache."

"Hinata will be so happy!" Naruto says, jumping up and down in excitement. "She thinks the Uchihas will look better with mustaches!" Then he runs up to Hiruzen's desk and picks up the envelope Shikaku left. "What's this?"

Hiruzen is starting to understand why Fugaku thought Naruto has ADHD. Perhaps they need to test Naruto again - they tested him about a year ago but the test was negative. "That's a letter for Iruka." says Hiruzen. "Would you like to help me deliver it to him?"

"Is Iruka niisan back from his mission?" asks Naruto, all wide eyed.

"Yes," says Hiruzen getting up from his chair. Time to fob Naruto off on Iruka. Again. "But he got hurt so he is in the hospital."

Naruto's face crumples up and he starts crying. "But...but...but...is he gonna die?"

"No, Naruto," says Hiruzen, taking Naruto's hand. "Iruka will be fine. Let's go visit him and give him his letter, shall we?"

"Okay," says Naruto, wiping his eyes and nose on his sleeve. He trots happily along beside Hiruzen while Hiruzen leads him to the hospital to see Iruka.

* * *

Iruka wakes up in hospital to see Naruto's face floating above him. Naruto smiles happily and hugs Iruka. "You're awake!" he says joyously.

"Ow!" Iruka groans as Naruto accidently touches one of his burns. Well, the bandage covering the burn, but it still hurt.

"Sorry," says Naruto. "I didn't mean to! Are you hurting a lot?"

"Not much," says Iruka, who hadn't noticed the burn until Naruto touched it. "I'm fine, really."

"That's good," says The Third Hokage, whom Iruka had not noticed until he spoke. "If you are feeling up to it, I would like you to take a look at this." Lord Third pulls out the envelope that Mei had stuffed down Iruka's shirt during their fight.

"Haven't you opened it yet?" asks Iruka, sitting up painfully.

"We cannot open it," says Lord Third. "It is sealed shut quite thoroughly."

Iruka takes the envelope and examines the seal. Naruto peers over his arm in fascination. Iruka is surprised that Lord Third cannot undo the seal; it is a basic seal after all. Well, basic by Hidden Whirlpool standards - not so much by Hidden Leaf standards. By Hidden Leaf standards, it is actually a very difficult piece of fuuinjutsu. Iruka sighs. To him fuuinjtsu is as second nature as walking and talking, but then he was born in the Hidden Whirlpool, as were his parents. He was raised on fuuinjutsu like most children were raised on sweets.

Respectfully deciding not to call out the Third Hokage's incompetency, Iruka unseals the envelope.

"You unsealed that pretty easily," comments Lord Third.

"Well, um, it's actually a very basic seal," says Iruka, trying not to sound boastful.

"Wow," Naruto stares at the envelope in awe, then looks up at Iruka, awe written all over his face. "Can you teach me how to do that?"

Iruka is so surprised he almost falls off his hospital bed. He had naturally assumed he should teach Naruto fuuinjutsu as part of his upbringing - it has been the sacred duty of the Umino clan for generations to teach the arts of fuuinjutsu. "Of course I will!" says Iruka. "I was going to anyway."

Naruto grins so happily that Iruka starts to wonder if the kid's face will split in half. Then Naruto makes his I-just-remembered-something-important face and asks, "Will you teach me about being all polite too?"

Iruka just stares at Naruto in surprise.

Lord Third smiles and asks, "Well are you going to teach Naruto about manners?"

Iruka nods slowly.

"Yay!" Naruto throws his hands up in the air. Then he turns his attention back to the envelope. "So what's in there?"

Iruka opens the envelope and pulls out its contents.


	9. To Change the Future

"Hey Shisui," says Itachi as Shisui drops down from the trees. "You look like you've been getting up to things you shouldn't be again."

"It's nothing," says Shisui. "I was just making sure Naruto didn't get into too much trouble over that prank we pulled."

"Oh," says Itachi. "Sasuke wants a kitten!" she blurts out.

Shisui grins and says, "Is she going to get one?"

"Probably not," says Itachi sadly. "But she's started begging our Mum to let her get one, but Mum keeps telling her that Dad says 'no' to pets - we're only allowed ninja animals."

"Why doesn't she just get a ninja cat?" asks Shisui.

"Because Sasuke is a stubborn five year old." Itachi kicks at a stone, feeling uncommonly shy all of a sudden. "So, um, what was the prank?"

"Well, I caught Naruto and Hinata sneaking around in the police station," explains Shisui. "Turns out they knocked out all the officers with sleeping powder and tablets so they could draw on their faces. Of course I helped."

Itachi stares at Shisui. "So that's why so many policemen looked like they'd scrubbed their faces raw!"

"Exactly!" grins Shisui, and Itachi has to tell her stomach off for doing a backflip. He just smiled, damn it!

Itachi doesn't know what to say next, so she just gazes at Shisui. To her surprise Shisui is staring back, apparently content to just smile at Itachi and not say anything. Itachi is too busy staring into Shisui's beautiful eyes to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable.

"Ah-he-hem," somebody clears their throat, breaking the moment that had been swelling between Shisui and Itachi. The pair turns to see Itachi's father standing behind them, arms crossed and a disapproving frown on his face. "What is going on here?" he asks.

"We were just chatting," says Shisui smoothly.

"I didn't hear an awful lot of talking," says Itachi's father, raising an eyebrow.

"Ever heard of a lull in the conversation?" asks Shisui, just as smoothly. "We'd just hit one when you arrived."

Fugaku scratches at the mustache-stubble on his top lip. "Is that so?"

"Yes." The expression on Shisui's face dares Fugaku to challenge his honesty.

"Well, in that case," says Fugaku. "Perhaps you had better tell me if it is true that you two have been spying on the clan for the Hokage."

Ice runs through Itachi's veins. How did he find out?

"Where'd you hear that?" asks Shisui, sounding like that is the most stupid suggestion ever.

"Where I heard it is none of your concern," says Fugaku. "Nor is it my concern. I want to know if it is true."

"It is true."

Itachi gapes at Shisui. Why would he just admit it like that?

Fugaku sighs. "Why would you do that?" he asks sadly.

"All we want is for the clan to stay loyal to the village," says Shisui. "We do not want a coup, so we have been working with the Hokage to find a way to prevent it."

Itachi holds her breath, waiting for her father's response.

Fugaku sighs and says, "Honestly, I would rather there be no coup as well."

Itachi gasps and Shisui almost falls over backwards.

"If we are to stop it completely, we need to do so now," continues Fugaku. "Before the clan forgets that there we are not completely hated in this village."

Shisui smiles. "Well, I know the Hokage does not hate us," he says. "Neither do Naruto or Hinata. And I'm pretty sure they are somehow influencing the other clan heads, even if they don't realize it. You've got to start somewhere, and sometimes a start is all you need."

"I've been noticing it too," says Fugaku nodding. "Something is changing in the Leaf and it started when Iruka took in Naruto." he smiles at Itachi and Shisui. "It seems I have a meeting to call." Then he goes back to looking disapproving. Itachi realizes that it is simply his resting face. "If you two are not there, there will be hell to pay."

* * *

The Uchiha clan crowds into the meeting hall. Fugaku does his best to keep his face blank, however he is sure he looks disapproving. He always looks disapproving. But that may very well work to his advantage in this situation. When the clan is gathered, somebody asks, "why did you call this meeting, Fugaku sama?"

Inwardly smirking about how easy it was to get someone to walk right into his trap, Fugaku says, "I mustache you a question."

Out of the corner of his eye, Fugaku sees Itachi roll her eyes.

"What question must you ask us?" says a clansman very precisely.

"What is it you want?" asks Fugaku.

"I want to know what your question is!"

"That was my question," says Fugaku patiently. "I want to know what you want."

"What do you mean?"

"Well," says Fugaku, pretending to think carefully. "Do you say, want to destroy the Leaf Village? Or perhaps you want to send it into civil war. Or maybe you want to start the Fourth Shinobi War? Or," and Fugaku puts great emphasis on this 'or'. "Perhaps you want to be respected by your fellow villagers and accepted by the people you deal with every day."

"What do you mean, cause a war?"

Fugaku smiles. "It's simple really," he explains. "If we go ahead with this coup, it will throw the Hidden Leaf into civil war. The other villages will take the opportunity to attack us and thus will begin the Fourth Shinobi War. Then we would be responsible for starting a war. Do you want that?"

"What's the other alternative?" a clansman shouts angrily.

Fugaku pretends to think about that very hard. Finally he says, "We could work hard to be accepted and not give up until we achieve our goal."

"We helped found this village!" protests someone. "Why should we have to work hard to be accepted by it?"

"Because we do not come across as very nice people," says Shisui cheerfully. "A little girl told me that Uchihas are scary because they all look so grumpy all the time."

"Oh really?" says Fugaku. This is news to him. "What little girl was that?"

"The same one who recons Uchihas would look better with mustaches."

"What little girl is that?" asks a curious clansman.

"Hinata Hyuuga," says Fugaku. "Ironically she is one of the people who drugged us and drew on our faces. And that's not even the best part. No, the best part isn't even that Naruto Uzumaki was her co-prankster. No: the best part is that Shisui caught them - and helped. I believe he was behind that little pink pony?"

Shisui has gone pale. "How did you find out?"

"I have eyes and ears everywhere," says Fugaku.

"You mean you spied on us," Shisui droops.

"Exactly," nod Fugaku. "It has come to my attention that in order to be accepted into the Hidden Leaf, we must first change our image. I am changing mine by growing a mustache."

Itachi groans and mutters, "I thought my Dad was above Dad-jokes."

"How the hell do you expect a mustache to change people's opinions of you?" demands a clansman whose name escapes Fugaku at that moment.

"It is not the mustache but the idea behind it," says Fugaku. "The idea is change, the mustache is the physical representation of that change." Fugaku realizes he needs to convince the clan before this upstart cements them in the direction of rebellion. "If we do not change now, we will all die. We are the only ones stopping us from being accepted into the village. We are the only ones who can change that. But we cannot expect others to make the first move while we present ourselves as unapproachable."

The clanspeople are starting to nod in agreement.

Then that upstart starts shouting again, "We founded this village! They should give us respect as our due! If you think I am going to sit by while my clan has to work for what is ours by right, then you have another think coming!"

"Be quiet!" snaps Fugaku, his patience gone.

"You want me to be quiet while our clan is oppressed by the people we brought together to form this village?"

"We did not bring the clans together," corrects Fugaku. "Hashirama Senju did. The Uchiha clan was merely the first clan to join him."

"Will you listen to this fool?" the upstart growls, sounding less convincing and more angry be the second. "He is just making up excuses to convince us to give up on the coup because he is too weak and cowardly to do it!"

Fugaku does not rise to the bait. "I am no coward," he says evenly. "It is not cowardice to prevent the needless loss of life."

"I think you've just gotten cold feet!" counters the upstart. "Well if you won't continue with the coup, then I will!"

"No you will not!" thunders Fugaku, angry. "No one is starting a coup! I forbid it!"

A hush descends on the meeting hall.

Glaring angrily at Fugaku, the upstart sits back down. Fugaku makes a mental note to keep an eye on him.

Fugaku declares the meeting over and the sullen clan files out of the hall. Then he turns to Shisui and Itachi. "I believe the two of you have a report to give to the Hokage?"

Itachi and Shisui leave to go and make their report.

Fugaku wonders how long it will be before that upstart and any sympathizers he might have start to cause trouble.


	10. Troubling Developments

Iruka pulls out the contents of the envelope, careful to keep what is on the papers out of Naruto's line of sight. Before he has even read the first sentence on the first piece of paper, Iruka's blood freezes in his veins. Immediately after he finishes reading, Iruka casts a barrier seal around himself, Naruto and the Hokage. Then Iruka turns to the Hokage and says, "I don't think anyone should know what is in this until something is done about it."

The Hokage reads over the papers quickly then says, "do you mind if I keep these until later? I would like to discuss this with you, but I will need some time to consider the situation."

"That's probably a good idea," says Iruka, glad that Naruto will not learn what really happened just yet. How is he supposed to tell Naruto that someone tried to assassinate him?

The Hokage tucks the papers back into the envelope and files it away inside his clothing. "So Naruto," he says. "Why don't you tell Iruka what you and Hinata got up to the other day?"

Naruto laughs nervously and scratches the back of his head.

"Naruto, what did you do?" asks Iruka sternly.

"I'll tell you what he did," says a voice from the door.

Iruka turns to see Hiashi and Hinata Hyuuga standing in the doorway. "What did Naruto do?" asks Iruka.

"It wasn't just Naruto," volunteers Hinata. "It was my idea to draw mustaches on the policemen, and then when Shisui caught us he helped-"

"What?" Iruka interrupts. "What do you mean you drew mustaches on the policemen?"

"Well," explains Naruto at breakneck pace. "We thought the policemen looked unhappy, so we thought we'd brighten their day up. And then we planned everything out and Hinata got every felt and marker in the Hyuuga compound and stole some sleeping tablets and powder from her dad's medicine cabinet. And then we drugged all the policemen and once they were asleep we drew on their faces." He takes a deep breath and barrels on, "but then Shisui caught us and once we told him what we were doing, he decided to join us."

"Fugaku decided not to press charges," adds The Third Hokage.

"And he decided to grow a real mustache!" adds Naruto cheerfully.

"Yay!" Hinata grins and claps her hands.

"Naruto!" Iruka scolds. "I thought I told you not to cause any trouble?"

Naruto sticks his chin in the air and says, "I thought I told you to be careful!"

Iruka is stunned for a few moments then he laughs. "I guess I can't really say anything, huh? Especially since I did the opposite of what you told me."

A nurse comes in and shoos everyone out, leaving Iruka alone to ponder the most recent developments.

* * *

Hiruzen sits at his desk, pondering the most recent developments. That envelope contains a photograph of Iruka, a photograph of Danzo at a meeting with a Mist Kunoichi, a summons from Danzo to that meeting, a contract between Danzo Shimura and Mei Terumi for the assassination and a contract between Mei Terumi and some ninjas called 'Wind and Rain' for the protection of Iruka Umino. It would seem Danzo wants Iruka dead for some reason, but why? It is quite a conundrum and one that Hiruzen feels he should discuss with Shikaku Nara.

"Lord Hokage?" says a voice from the window.

Hiruzen turns to see Shisui crouched on the windowsill with Itachi in tow. "Yes, Shisui?" he says calmly.

"We have news regarding the situation with our clan," say Shisui.

"I hope it is good news," says Hiruzen, fully expecting bad news. "I could use some right now."

To his surprise, Itachi smiles. "It is good news," she says, looking more relaxed than Hiruzen has seen her in a long time.

"Why don't you come inside and tell me?" suggests The Hokage.

The two Uchihas climb in the window and stand in front of his desk, seemingly eager to give their report. That's unusual, Hiruzen reflects; usually the last thing they want to do is give a report on the status of the impending coup.

"Lord Hokage," says Itachi. "My father has not only called off the coup d'etat, but has also forbidden anyone else in the clan to start one."

The Hokage starts in shock, then smiles. "That is good news. What brought it on?"

"Oddly, it was Naruto, Hinata and Shisui's prank that brought this about."

Hiruzen starts laughing loudly. This is entirely unexpected, but not at all unwelcome.

* * *

"So what do you think?" asks Hiruzen once Shikaku is finished reading over the contents of the envelope.

"I think that Mist kunoichi either has an ulterior motive or a soft spot for Iruka," say Shikaku grimly. "She gave him this - with a seal only a Whirlpool ninja could open - and told me she'd given it to him. It is obviously meant for us rather than Iruka, which begs the question of why she gave it to Iruka rather than me and why she had it sealed so thoroughly. There is also the question of who sealed it and who took the photograph of that meeting. Another thing bothering me is who Wind and Rain really are - those names are obviously code names, but the pair are not ANBU." Shikaku examines the photograph of the meeting between the Mist Kunoichi and Danzo. "The most important question," he says heavily, "is why Danzo hired a Mist ninja to assassinate a Leaf ninja."

"That is what troubles me most about this," says Hiruzen. "I have suspected for some time that Danzo has been doing things behind my back, and now I have proof. What else has he done?"

"Perhaps we should find out," suggests Shikaku. "But first we must make as much sense of this information as we can." He examines the papers again. "First the seal: she obviously knew that Iruka would be able to undo it, and she placed it there to decrease the chances of someone other than Iruka opening the envelope. The problem is that Mei Terumi is no seal master, and neither are the shinobi of the Hidden Mist. The logical conclusion then is that either Wind or Rain placed the seal."

"That makes sense," agrees Hiruzen, puffing at his pipe. "If that is the case, do you think that maybe one of them took the photograph?"

"That is possible," nods Shikaku. "But the question still remains as to who they are. If one of them placed this seal, then that one must either be from the Hidden Whirlpool or had a whirlpool-style upbringing."

"But why, if it was meant for us, did Mei Terumi have the envelope sealed with a seal that only someone with Whirlpool fuuinjutsu training could undo?" Hiruzen muses, taking another puff at his pipe.

"Maybe so that Iruka could ensure that only the right people saw it," suggest Shikaku. "Imagine if this had fallen into Danzo's hands."

"Yes," says Hiruzen. "If Danzo got ahold of this, I think a few good people would die. What shall we do about him?"

"I hate to say this," says Shikaku. "Since Danzo has been a valuable part of the Leaf's leadership, but his underhanded meddling has got to stop. The only way to stop him for good is to kill him."

"As much as it saddens me that it has come to this," says Hiruzen, lowering his pipe. "I agree. For the good of the village, Danzo must be executed before he does lasting harm. His actions nearly drove the Uchiha clan to a coup d'etat. Fortunately, that tragedy has been avoided, but if he is allowed to continue there is no guarantee that he will not cause lasting harm to the Village."

"So what shall we do?" asks Shikaku so heavily the Hiruzen knows he knows what the Third is about to say.

"We execute Danzo for treason against the Hidden Leaf Village," replies Hiruzen. "Gather the clan heads; we will confront him about this together."

"All the clan heads?" asks Shikaku, raising an eyebrow. "You will have to explain to them all what Danzo has done."

"I know," sighs Hiruzen. "But the clan heads must know what Danzo has done."

"But is it necessary to gather so many to kill one man?" asks Shikaku skeptically.

"Maybe not," replies Hiruzen. "But it is one way to ensure he does not survive."

Shikaku rises. "I will locate the clan heads and send them here, then," he says. "Should we tell Iruka of this?"

"Not until it is done," says the Third Hokage. "I will send a team of ANBU to guard him and Naruto until Danzo is taken care of."

"Is that necessary?" asks Shikaku. "It may alert Danzo that something is up."

"I will advise them to be discreet," The Hokage assures him. "If Danzo has already found out Iruka returned alive, the boy will need the extra protection of an ANBU team."


	11. Uncovering the Truth

Shikaku Nara, Inoichi Yamanaka, Chouza Akimichi, Tsume Inuzuka, Hiashi Hyuuga, Shibi Aburame and Fugaku Uchiha gather in The Hokage's office to await Danzo, who Lord Third has summoned. Lord Third sits quietly behind his desk, hokage robes hiding his battle gear. They are all expecting severe resistance, except for Tsume, who takes all resistance in her stride and crushes it with as much energy as breaking a toothpick. Hiruzen briefly entertains the idea of setting Tsume loose on Danzo. However, Hiruzen is unsure if Danzo wouldn't know what hit him or if Tsume would finally lose a fight. Either way, it is not worth the risk.

Finally, Danzo glides into the hokage's office with Homura and Koharu in tow. If Danzo thinks having them along will affect the outcome of this meeting, he is far, far wrong, Hiruzen thinks grimly.

"What is the meaning of this, Hiruzen?" demands Homura. "Why were we not invited to this meeting?"

"This is not a meeting;" says Hiruzen. "This is an inquisition." He turns his gaze onto Danzo. "Danzo, it has come to my attention that some of your recent actions are in violation of Leaf Shinobi conduct laws. One in particular can only be read as not only the breach of an ancient treaty, but also as treason."

"What are you accusing me of?" demands Danzo. "You had better have proof."

"Shikaku, would you present the evidence to all assembled?"

Shikaku takes out the envelope Mei Terumi gave to Iruka and pulls out the first article. "Here is a letter, from Danzo, addressed to a Mist Jounin by the name of Mei Terumi demanding she meet him on the 19th of November at specific coordinates along the border between the Land of Fire and the Land of Water." He places the letter on Hiruzen's desk and pulls out the next item. "Here is a photograph of that meeting, taken by an unknown party," he continues, showing the photograph to all assembled. Placing it on top of the letter, Shikaku then takes out the next item. "Here is a photograph of Iruka Umino, the last known survivor of clan Umino of the Hidden Whirlpool." he shows that photograph to the assembled and places it with the other items. Then Shikaku takes out the next item. "Here is a contract for the assassination of Iruka Umino, to be carried out by Mei Terumi for a fee of XXXXXX yen, half paid in advance and the other half to be paid upon success or death to be met upon failure."

Hiruzen gazes around the room to see the clan heads' reactions. Inoichi and Chouza are visibly shocked while Hiashi looks displeased, Shibi is silent and Fugaku just glares kunai at Danzo. Tsume is seething and looks like she is one second away from snapping Danzo in half. Oddly, Homura and Koharu do not even look surprised. Danzo is showing no visible signs of reaction.

"Where did you get this pack of lies?" demands Koharu. "To accuse Danzo of treason is ridiculous!"

"I might discount this as untrue if Iruka wasn't currently in the hospital after Mei Terumi attacked and tried to kill him!" snaps Shikaku. "Now wait until I have shown you everything and told you all what happened." he pulls out the final document. "This is a contract between the mercenary ninjas Wind and Rain and the Mist jounin Mei Terumi. This agreement outlines a plan to protect Iruka Umino and make it appear as if Wind and Rain's appearance was merely coincidence. The payment for their services is the advance fee Danzo gave Mei Terumi." Shikaku passes the document around the room. "As you can see, Terumi hired Wind and Rain to protect a leaf shinobi she only knows from their encounters on the battlefield. Why she would do this is still a mystery, as are the true identities of Wind and Rain. However, the biggest mystery surrounding this affair is why Danzo Shimura, an elder and trusted member of the Konoha council would arrange the assassination of a fifteen year old Leaf genin."

"Danzo, you piece of s###!" growls Tsume. "You better explain yourself RIGHT NOW!"

"Yes, do," says Hiruzen. "You had better have a good explanation for this."

Danzo shifts his weight uncomfortably. Then he says, "This information came from an unknown source. How do you know you can trust it?"

"Lord Hokage?" says Shikaku. "If you do not mind I will now tell everyone the details of my team's last mission."

"Go ahead," says The Third.

Shikaku tells the assembled about the mission to get rid of a group of bandits that turned into a fight for their lives against a young Mist jounin who claimed to have left a present for him on Iruka somewhere. He then tells of how the Mist ninjas still fought to kill until two unidentifiable shinobi claiming the names Wind and Rain arrived and forced the Mist ninjas to retreat. Shikaku then tells of finding the envelope hidden in Iruka's clothing and of how only Iruka could open it.

The clan heads all look either angry or horrified by the tale. Fugaku glares at Danzo so hard that Hiruzen says, "Go ahead Fugaku - no one will stop you."

"Thank you, Lord Hokage," says Fugaku, then punches Danzo in the jaw, sending him flying across the room. Fugaku stands over Danzo and grinds out angrily, "Was picking on my clan getting too boring for you? Thought a kid would be more of a challenge?"

Danzo rises and, glaring furiously at Fugaku, he wipes blood from his mouth and says, "I am well within my rights to spy on your clan - you lot are plotting a coup d'etat!"

Fugaku is too busy seething to respond immediately.

"Is that true, Fugaku?" asks Hiashi sternly.

"It might have been true," says Fugaku. "If your daughter and Naruto hadn't pulled that prank on us the other day. It was exactly what I needed to convince the clan not to stage a coup. In fact, I expressly forbid anyone in the clan from doing so." Then Fugaku adds, "But know this Danzo, it was your actions that almost drove my clan to rebel."

Danzo glares at Fugaku. "You are lucky you were allowed to do that, Uchiha!"

"Enough of this!" snaps Chouza, surprising everyone with the amount of venom in his voice. "Danzo, did you or did you not order the assassination of the Umino boy?"

"I did!" admits Danzo.

"Why?" demands Hiruzen.

"Umino should not have control over the jinchuuriki!" explains Danzo, trying to sound reasonable. "It is irresponsible of you to trust the education of the village's most powerful weapon to an inexperienced genin. You did not listen to me, so I arranged a little accident to get rid of Umino so that I could take Naruto into my custody. I would have trained him to be an effective weapon for the village."

Hiashi Hyuuga slams his fist down on the wall nearest him. "You stay away from that boy! Naruto Uzumaki is not a weapon to be molded into a mindless soldier!"

"If he is not meant to be a weapon," asks Danzo. "Then why did the Fourth seal the Nine Tails into him?"

"Minato sealed the fox into Naruto to protect us," repiles Hiruzen. "And because it was the only way to stop the fox from killing Naruto. Naruto was not made a jinchuuriki to be a weapon but to protect everyone who would have died had the fox not been sealed."

"Besides," adds Inoichi so calmly one would almost be fooled into thinking he was talking about the weather. "In the Hidden Whirlpool there was a tradition where the young people of the Umino clan would teach the children of the Uzumaki clan the art of fuuinjutsu. Iruka Umino is well within his traditional rights to raise Naruto Uzumaki."

"Fools!" snaps Danzo. "You cannot entrust a jinchuuriki to a mere child, even if it is custom! What you are all too stubborn to see is that by not letting me have the jinchuuriki you are ensuring the Leaf will lose its standing as the strongest shinobi village!"

"Bitch please," says Fugaku. "We will stay the strongest because of my mustache!"

Hiashi covers his mouth and makes a sound rather like choking. When he removes his hand, there are still traces of a smile around his lips.

"Besides," continues Fugaku flippantly. "Our village was the strongest before we got the fox. Sharingan and Byakugan remember? Plus we have the InoShikaCho tradition and what's left of the Senju bloodline. And don't even get me started on how the Inuzukas and Aburames can scare off their opponents without even putting much effort into it. We'll be fine."

"Danzo," says Hiruzen. "It seems the charges against you are true. You have committed treason against the Hidden Leaf. You have violated the treaty between the Hidden Leaf and the Hidden Whirlpool. You have also defied the orders of Minato Namekaze, Fourth Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaf regarding the jinchuuriki naruto Uzumaki. For the first two offences the penalty is death." Hiruzen rises. "Therefore, you must be executed, Danzo Shimura. Are you going to resist?"

"No," says Danzo, surprising everyone. "If you feel that you must execute me, then do so and get it over with. I have always done what I thought best for the village, Hiruzen, and I know you do what you think is best. I only hope that you do not end up destroying what we worked so hard for."

"Very well," says Hiruzen. "As Hokage I have found you guilty of treason. As the law states I now invoke the right to execute you without trial." Immensely saddened by what he now must do, Hiruzen draws his sword and prepares to kill his once best friend.


	12. Tradition Reborn

Word travels fast, even across the borders of enemy lands. Word of Danzo Shimura's execution travels so fast that it is known across the shinobi nations before three days have passed since the execution. When word reaches Mei Terumi in the Hidden Mist she simply smiles. Her little fighting buddy is safe, and now if she wants to kill him she can do it honourably and not under the fence for some traitor.

Two days previously, in a dango shop in the Land of Fire two cloaked and masked figures, whom the owner has been eyeing suspiciously since they walked in, hear another customer discussing the death of Danzo Shimura with the shopkeeper. Wind and Rain turn and ask the other customer if what he says is true - is Danzo really dead?

"Yes," replies the other customer. "He was executed not 24 hours ago."

Wind and Rain smile at each other, although only they know they are smiling.

"We need to report this to Yahiko right away," says Rain and the pair get up to leave.

* * *

Naruto runs rings around Iruka the entire way home from the hospital. He is so excited that Iruka is finally out of the hospital that he forgets his previous determination to be calm and quiet so he doesn't stress Iruka out. Bouncing around Iruka, Naruto keeps up a steady stream of chatter about what he did while Iruka was in the hospital. The hospital didn't let him visit nearly long enough to tell Iruka everything, so Naruto is catching Iruka up on literally everything he missed. Right down to the fact that Naruto may or may not have accidentally flooded the washroom. (And since Iruka's apartment consists of only three rooms; washroom, bedroom and kitchen, this means Naruto may or may not have flooded a third of the apartment.)

When they arrive at Iruka's apartment, Naruto nervously shows Iruka the state of the washroom. "I cleaned up the water as best I could," he says, shyly. "Please don't be mad."

"I'm not mad," says Iruka. "But don't turn taps on and leave them, okay."

"Yes, Iruka-niisan!" Naruto makes a mental note to be very careful in the future. He doesn't want Iruka to get mad at him.

The next day Iruka, who is still off duty, begins teaching Naruto about fuuinjutsu.

Well, sort of. What any of this has to do with fuuinjutsu has Naruto stumped. Iruka has him writing out all of the hiragana he knows as fast as he can without stopping.

"Don't mind mistakes," says Iruka. "Just go as fast as you can." then he'd started calling out random characters, even some Naruto doesn't know. Naruto has to write them before he calls the next one or say he doesn't know it. If he doesn't know it, Iruka moves on to the next character. By the time Iruka calls for Naruto to stop, Naruto's head is spinning so badly he isn't sure if he can tell 'u' from 'ta'. His paper is a mess and he has pencil stains on his fingers.

Iruka picks up Naruto's piece of paper and examines it. Then he says, "It looks like you learn well when you have to think on your feet."

"You can tell that from all of that?" asks Naruto, pointing at the mess of characters.

"Because I was trained to," replies Iruka. "And it is clear to me that in order to teach you I am going to have to turn learning into a game."

"How can you tell all of that just from that one exercise?" asks Naruto.

"It's not just the exercise," says Iruka. "I can tell it from the way you interact with the world."

"Oh," says Naruto. "So how does something as boring as learning become a game?"

* * *

Despite Iruka's best efforts to make learning fun for Naruto, he still gets bored and restless after a few minutes. Iruka tries every trick in the book, from flashcards to scrabble and memory games. Nothing works. It's not even that Naruto is dyslexic - he just can't sit still. Or concentrate. Or show much interest.

"So when are you going to teach me fuuinjutsu?" asks Naruto one day after five minutes of matching up characters to make words.

It's then that Iruka realizes he is getting his tricks from the wrong book. He should be using the 'Teaching Restless Uzumakis' book not the 'Teaching Restless Children' book. What were the tricks in that book again?

Oh yes. "Naruto," says Iruka. "To learn Fuuinjutsu you have to learn to read and write. But you aren't very good at sitting still, are you?"

Naruto hangs his head. "Sorry, Iruka-niisan."

"It's not your fault you have far too much energy," says Iruka, patting Naruto on the head. He holds out his hand for Naruto to take and says, "Let's go outside."

Naruto grabs Iruka's hand and jumps down from his chair. Iruka leads Naruto to a nearby river.

"What are we doing here?" asks Naruto, confused as to what a river has to do with learning to read and write.

"I am going to show you what you use characters for when you're doing fuuinjutsu," explains Iruka. Letting go of Naruto's hand, Iruka pulls out a scroll and a pen. "Normally I would use a brush, but I don't have one on me." Iruka smooths open the scroll on a rock and points to the river. "See all that water?"

"Yes," nods Naruto.

"Wouldn't it be a shame if it all just vanished?"

"Yeah, I guess," says Naruto, sounding a bit confused. "But then I wouldn't be able to go swimming."

"Don't worry, we'll put it back," Iruka reassures him.

Naruto's mouth drops open. "You're going to make the river vanish?"

"Yes," grins Iruka. "But to do so, I need to know the character for 'river' and the characters for sealing and storing. Watch carefully." Iruka draws out a basic storage seal capable of holding a large quantity of anything. "See this part?" he points to a section of the seal. "This means 'seal'. And this part here means 'store' and this part here indicates how much can be stored in the seal."

Naruto's eyes are so wide they seem to have taken up his entire face. "What's that blank bit in the middle?" he asks.

"That's where the character for 'water' goes," Iruka explains. "But it won't appear until the water is actually in the seal. Watch carefully." Iruka puts one hand on the seal and uses the other to focus his chakra. An instant later, all the water in the river rises up and flows into the center of the seal. Once the river is drained, the kanji for 'water' appears in the center of the seal.

"Hey!" yells someone from the other side of the river. "What did you do that for?" The person shakes their fist at Iruka.

"I'll put it back in a minute!" calls back Iruka. Then he turns back to Naruto. "You see? If I didn't know what all these characters mean, I wouldn't know what is in this seal."

"Oh~" Naruto is so overawed that Iruka starts to wonder if he overdid it. "You put an entire river into a piece of paper!"

"I could put the entire ocean in a seal if I wanted to," says Iruka. "But it would take up most of my chakra, so I'll have to refrain from doing that."

Naruto stares up at Iruka openmouthed. "You know how to drain the ocean?"

"Yes," confirms Iruka. "But it's actually a pretty useless skill. The only time you would use it is if you wanted to get a bunch of people across and you didn't have time to go and get ships." He taps the seal. "Back to this seal. See this symbol here?" he points to a design along the edges of the seal.

Naruto peers at it in fascination. "That wasn't there before!"

"No, when something is put into a seal, the design changes accordingly. This pattern allows the release of what is inside the seal. Watch." Iruka places one hand on the seal and uses the other to focus his chakra. The river explodes out of the seal and flows back into the riverbed. After a few brief seconds, it looks as if nothing happened to it.

"Wow!" Naruto shouts, jumping up and down in excitement. "How long before I can do that?"

"That is up to you," replies Iruka. "After all, I can't start teaching you this stuff until you know all your hiragana and can write confidently."

* * *

From the trees, two shadowy figures watch Iruka's demonstration. Behind and above them, Kakashi Hatake watches the two shadowy figures. He is just close enough to hear what they are saying.

"It looks like Iruka is healing well," says a female voice.

"He will be back on the field soon, I expect," says a male voice.

Kakashi inches closer.

"Naruto is adorable, isn't he?" says the woman.

"Yes," says the man. "He kind of reminds me of sensei. All that enthusiasm."

"And so easily impressed," laughs the woman.

Kakashi inches closer.

"You know, I kinda want a kid," says the man.

"So do I," agrees the woman. "But the world is so dangerous, especially for us. I wouldn't want to bring a child into the life I lead."

"I know," sighs the man. "But with Danzo dead, the world is a lot safer."

Kakashi leaps down to where the two are crouching. They see him and shunshin away. Kakashi follows, but not a trace remains that the pair were ever there.

"I better report this to the Hokage," mutters Kakashi. "I think that was Wind and Rain."


	13. A Troublesome Day

"So where are we going, Iruka niisan?" asks Naruto.

"To see the Hokage," replies Iruka. Naruto has been living with Iruka for almost a year now and has come far in his training. Soon he will start at the academy.

Naruto trots along beside Iruka, holding tightly to his hand. Other kids claim they are too big to hold their parents' and older siblings hands, but Naruto still hasn't quite gotten used to the fact that Iruka actually wants Naruto to hold his hand.

When they arrive at The Hokage's house, Iruka pushes Naruto in first. The room explodes in a chorus of 'Happy Birthdays' and confetti.

Srunned, Naruto stares around the room, open-mouthed. His friends are there - Shikamaru, Hinata, Choji and Shisui, along with Hinata's mum and little sister. The Hokage is there too with a little toddler in his arms. The Hokage's living room is decked out in balloons and streamers. The group starts singing the happy birthday song and Naruto just stands there dazed and stares at the cake sitting on the table in the middle of the room.

When the group finishes singing, Naruto says, "Is this what a birthday party is?" he honestly looks confused. "Who's it for?"

"It's for you, silly!" says Iruka, bonking Naruto on the head.

"For real?" Naruto doesn't believe it. No one has ever celebrated his birthday before. All his foster parents did was casually remark sometime in October that he's a year older now. Naruto isn't actually sure what day his birthday is. "So is it like, my birthday or something?"

Iruka grabs Naruto under the arms and lifts him up into the air so their eyes are level. "Yes, Naruto," he says, looking Naruto directly in the eye. "Today is your birthday. No joke."

Naruto's face transforms from shock to pure joy. He slips out of Iruka's hands and grins around the room.

Hinata runs up to him and grabs his hand. "Come on!" she says, dragging him over to the table. "You have to blow out the candles!"

Naruto does so and the party gets started. Everyone starts stuffing their faces at different paces. Naruto, who Iruka sometimes jokes has a bottomless stomach, tries a bit of everything. Hinata eats almost as much as Naruto, but with more table manners. Choji eats twice as much as Naruto but not nearly as fast. Shikamaru doesn't eat much at all after seeing the amount his friends are eating. The two toddlers get fed on the sliced fruit - apples and oranges. (Naruto wonders why no one ever mentioned the fact that there is a fruit called an orange. Orange is the best - and so is the fruit.) Shisui is tucking into everything - especially the bowl of chocolate-coated strawberries. Hinata's mum is minding the toddlers, but she still manages to eat a fair bit, while the Hokage and Iruka seem to have disappeared for some reason.

Just as Naruto has discovered the slices of bread covered in sprinkles, Iruka and the Hokage return. Shisui seems to like the bread with sprinkles too, and Naruto begins to wonder just how much more sugar Shisui can eat before he starts to feel sick. The only time Naruto ever feels sick is when he's eaten too much sugar.

"Listen up everyone," says the Hokage. "We were going to go outside for some games, but it has started to rain. We'll have to stay indoors, I'm afraid."

"Aw!" whines Hinata. "Can't we go outside and play in the rain?"

"No," says Hinata's mum. "You'll catch a cold."

* * *

So the party games are confined to the Hokage's living room. However, something happens that no one expected. All hell breaks loose. The culprit is not Naruto, who is starting to get a bit restless. Nor is it Hinata, who is going stir-crazy. Nor is it Shikamaru who is sick of being indoors. Nor is it Choji, who accidentally released some of his stored up chakra and is now far too antsy to sit still. Nor does the problem stem from the two restless toddlers in the corner who have started pulling each others' hair.

No, the problem is that Shisui is sitting on the ceiling eating grapes and spitting the seeds at the people blow him.

"Now I know why Shisui is not supposed to eat sugar!" Lord Third says, shielding his face from the seed-projectiles.

"Shisui, come down from there!" orders Hinata's mum, Akira.

Naruto laughs and says, "I wanna sit on the ceiling!"

Two shunshins later and Naruto is sitting on Shisui's lap, staring down at the people on the floor.

Iruka sighs in frustration. He thought that Shisui would be one of the more responsible people at the party, not the one to get a sugar high! Out of the corner of his eye, Iruka sees a toddler disappear through the doorway in the rest of the house. "Konohamaru and Hanabi escaped!" he says.

"Damn!" Akira runs after them. Iruka follows, because he suspects the pair will be hard to find.

A few seconds later, a blur rockets past Iruka, followed closely by an angry Hokage. "Get back here, Shisui!" yells Lord Third.

Leaving the Hokage to chase down Shisui, Iruka continues his hunt for the wayward toddlers. Eventually, he locates Konohamaru hiding under Lord Third's bed. After extracting the toddler from his hiding place vis chakra strings, Iruka takes him back to the living room.

Iruka gets back to the living room at the same time as Akira who has a protesting Hanabi in her arms. "Oh, good, you found Konohamaru," says Akira.

Iruka realizes something. "Who's watching the other kids?"

"Wasn't Hiruzen…?"

"He's chasing Shisui!"

The pair stare at each other in horror and run into the living room. It is eerily quiet and completely empty of children. A moment later, Lord Third appears and asks, "Have you seen Shisui?"

"No," says Iruka, wide eyed. "Have you seen Naruto, Hinata, Shikamaru and Choji?"

"Oh no," says Lord Third, looking as if he is sorely tempted to swear.

"I'll check outside," says Iruka.

"I'll check the house again," says Lord Third.

"And I'll stay here and make sure we don't lose any more children," says Akira, taking Konohamaru off Iruka and putting the toddlers back in the play pen in the corner.

Lord Third heads upstairs and Iruka runs outside. What Iruka finds is three 5-6 year olds and the feared shinobi Shunshin no Shisui playing in a mud puddle. "What the hell do you think you are all doing?" demands Iruka.

Naruto, Hinata, Shikamaru, Choji and Shisui all turn to look at him. Then they all pick up a handful of mud each and throw it straight at Iruka. Within seconds, Iruka is just as muddy as the rest of the children, and as wet too.

"GRR!" Iruka is mad now. He does not like having mud thrown at him. Scowling, he picks up his own lot of mud and throws it. Within seconds, a full-scale mud-fight breaks out. Iruka finds himself enjoying the mud fight.

About five minutes later, Lord Third comes outside and surveys the situation. Then he yells, "Who wants a hot bath?"

Naruto runs over faster than greased lightning. "I love baths!" he says, throwing his arms wide open.

"That sounds relaxing, count me in," says Shikamaru.

"Will we have more food afterwards?" asks Choji, trotting over with Shikamaru.

"Ooh a bath!" says Hinata and follows the boys.

"Oh, thank goodness," says Iruka, and heads over to the house.

Shisui looks up from his mud pie and says, "More water to splash around?" he gets up and grins. "Count me in!"

"If you splash around the water, I'll make you take a shower instead!" says Lord Third sternly.

"Yes, Lord Third!" says Shisui, saluting.

"Now come inside and get all that mud off!" says Lord Third. "And be careful not to get mud everywhere!" Lord Third leads the muddy procession inside. Then he sends Shisui and Iruka to the upstairs bathroom saying, "Iruka, make sure Shisui doesn't flood the bathroom!" Then he sends the four smaller children into the downstairs bathroom where Akira is waiting to clean them up. The toddlers are napping in the reinforced play-pen.

* * *

As soon as all the wet and muddy children are clean, They gather in the living room, wrapped in towels while their clothes take a spin in the washing machine.

Hiruzen pulls out a box of old clothes. He is sure the Fourth wouldn't mind him using them for this. "Come here," he says. "You can wear these clothes until your own are washed."

The children crowd around and peer into the box.

"Whose clothes are these?" asks Iruka. "They don't look like yours."

"They were Lord Fourth's," says Hiruzen. "I'm sure he won't mind you kids wearing them for a while. Here, Naruto," he pulls out Lord Third's old Hokage cape and wraps it around Naruto. The cape swamps Naruto, but Hiruzen can't get over how cute Naruto looks wearing it. Hiruzen ties a scarf around Naruto's middle to keep the Hokage cape in place. By the time Hiruzen is finished doing this, Hinata has already pulled out one of Minato's old shirts and pulled it on. Shikamaru and Choji are rummaging around in the box as well. Shisui and Iruka help the smaller boys put on the smallest of the Fourth's old clothes they can find. There are some clothes in there from Minato's childhood, although why he kept them is beyond Hiruzen.

Shisui and Iruka pull on clothes that are a lot closer to fitting them than the smaller children. In fact, the clothes Iruka puts on actually fit him. Hiruzen is surprised. When did Iruka get so tall, Hiruzen wonders. It's almost as if he grew overnight.


	14. A Ninja Plays Ninja

Shisui looks down at the fourth's old clothes and grins. Then he strikes a pose and says, "I'm the Yellow Flash!" he starts shunshining around the room saying, "I'm here! Now I'm here! Now I'm over here!"

Naruto takes a taijutsu stance and makes chopping movement with his hands. "Hi-ya! I'm a ninja!"

"Me too!" says Hinata, doing some basic gentle fist moves.

Shikamaru and Choji join in, doing basic taijutsu move and pretending to fight each other.

"How do we stop Shisui from bouncing off the walls?" whispers Iruka to Lord Third.

"Like this," says Lord Third. "Hey everybody. It's time for the presents."

All movement stops, even Shisui comes to a halt, standing in a corner of the ceiling. The children and Shisui stare at Lord Third in surprise.

"Presents?" asks Naruto. "What for?"

"For YOU, silly!" says Hinata, giggling. "It's your birthday!"

"Really?" says Naruto. "Only that guy who signs his name as 'Your Godfather' ever gave me presents before."

"Jiraiya sends you presents?" says Lord Third. "I didn't know about that."

"Jiraiya is Naruto's godfather?" asks Akira, surprised. "How is that?"

"Naruto is named after the main character in the first book Jiraiya ever wrote," explains Lord Third. "For that he was made Naruto's godfather."

"So my Godfather's name is Jiraiya," says Naruto.

Iruka catches Shikamaru giving Lord Third a strange look. Iruka wonders just what it is that Shikamaru is thinking.

"Here, Naruto," says Hinata, handing Naruto a square package. "Happy Birthday!"

Naruto almost looks giddy, Iruka thinks as Naruto unwraps Hinata's present. It is an orange box, which Naruto immediately opens. The box is filled with an odd assortment of things like a whoopee cushion, a jar of fake blood, some tubes of paint a roll of string and assorted packets containing things like fake mustaches, stick on cuts and bruises and fake dog poo. "It's a pranking kit! Thanks Hinata!" yells Naruto, happily.

Iruka feels a chill run down his spine. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Lord Third shudder.

"Cool! Cool! Cool!" Shisui shunshins down to the floor. "So when's the next prank gonna be?"

"Soon!" grins Naruto.

"Cool!" says Shisui. "I got you this." he hands Naruto a round package.

Naruto unwraps it to find a small orange ball. "Cool!" he tosses it in the air and catches it again. "Thanks Shisui!"

Choji steps forward bearing a circle box. "Here you go, this is for you."

Naruto opens the box and finds a pie. "What kind of pie is it?" Naruto asks.

"It's a gooseberry pie," Choji tells him. "I helped my mum make it."

"Thanks Choji," says Naruto, looking genuinely touched.

"My turn," says Shikamaru and gives Naruto a box-shaped present.

Naruto unwraps it and tries to read the words on the box. "Shi-o-gi. What's that?"

"It's a game," says Shikamaru. "It's said 'shogi'. There's an instruction book in the box. If you play it, it will help your planning stuff skills."

"Yay! Planning stuff gets it done so much easier." Naruto grins.

Iruka grins too. Maybe teaching Naruto strategy won't be as hard as he thought. "Naruto," he says, pulling out the present he bought for Naruto. "Here is my gift for you."

Naruto takes it, wide eyed, and unwraps it. A neatly organised set of brushes, ink and heave paper is revealed. Naruto grins up at Iruka and asks hopefully, "Does this mean I can start using proper ink for my fuuinjustu?"

"Yes," laughs Iruka, then starts in surprise as Shisui groans and falls face-first onto the floor.

Everyone stares at Shisui in shock as he starts to snore softly.

"Looks like Shisui came down from his sugar high pretty hard," comments Lord Third. "I'll send a message to his parents to come and collect him."

Lord Third leaves to go do just that.

"I think maybe it's time for the party to finish," says Akira. "You're all beginning to crash."

Indeed, Hinata is yawning and Choji is rubbing at his eyes. Shikamaru is heading over to the couch to curl up and go to sleep. Even Naruto is starting to look tired.

Lord Third comes back and says. "Unfortunately when I asked Shisui's parents to come and collect their son because he ended up on a sugar high, went out in the rain and mud and has crashed so hard he fell asleep, they told me to send him home once he is in a fit state to get himself home." Lord Third sighs. "Parents these days. I'll have to put him in one of the spare rooms until he wakes up." Lord Third scoops Shisui up off the floor and carries him away.

Just after Lord Third leaves, Shikaku arrives with Chouza and they carry a sleeping Shikamaru and a sleepy Choji away. After they leave, Akira takes Hinata and Hanabi home; one sleeping soundly and the other yawning and rubbing her eyes.

* * *

Naruto crawls onto Iruka's lap and goes to sleep. He is so tired. He is woken up a short while later by Lord Third.

"Come on, Naruto," Lord Third is saying. "There's one thing left to do and then you can go home and sleep all you want."

Groggily, Naruto sits up and rubs his eyes. "What?" he asks.

"Can't he have his nap first?" asks Iruka.

"Oh, come now, Iruka," says Lord Third. "You are the one who convinced me to tell him, so let me tell him now, before I change my mind."

"Tell me what?" asks Naruto, confused. What could the Hokage have to tell him?

"Naruto," says Lord Third seriously. "Iruka convinced me, after much persuasion, to tell you about your parents."

"My parents?" Naruto sits up, wide awake. "You're going tell me about my parents?"

"Yes," says the Hokage, nodding. "Your mother's name was Kushina Uzumaki. When she was a child she came from the Hidden Whirlpool to live in the Hidden Leaf. She was killed the day you were born when the nine tailed fox attacked the village. Before she died she made you this scarf."

The Hokage gives Naruto a long dark grey scarf with thin white stripes. Naruto snuggles his face into the scarf and wraps it around his neck, giggling the whole time.

"Naruto," says the Hokage. "Now I will tell you about your father."

Naruto looks up, his mouth open in a little 'o' of wonder.

"His name was Minato Namikaze," says the Hokage. "At the end of the Second Shinobi war, a team of Leaf ninjas found him wandering alone in the forest near the village. They learned that he came from a nearby village that had been recently destroyed. His parents died in the explosion that threw him from his village. Minato stayed in the Leaf and became a shinobi. Eventually he became the Fourth Hokage."

"Really?" Naruto's mouth falls open. "My Dad was the Fourth Hokage?" he looks down at the Fourth's Hokage cape, which he is still wearing because the washing machine hasn't even finished yet. "Then I'm wearing my Dad's clothes?" he looks at the clothes Iruka is wearing. "Iruka is wearing my Dad's clothes too?"

Iruka laughs. "Yes! We're wearing your Dad's clothes! And so are Shisui, Hinata, Choji and Shikamaru!"

"He, he, he," Naruto giggles happily.

"Come on, Naruto," says Iruka. "Let's go home."

* * *

Much later, Naruto is getting ready for bed, when he smells a familiar scent from the window.

Naruto turns and trots over to the window. He can smell his ANBU quite strongly. Then he sees a small package sitting on his windowsill. Curious, Naruto picks it up. It smells like his ANBU, he decides as he sniffs it. His ANBU must have left it when Naruto was facing away from the window.

Grinning, Naruto unwraps the present. It is a hat that looks like a panda. Giggling, Naruto pulls the hat onto his head and runs to tell Iruka what he just found.

* * *

Sitting on the roof of the apartment building where Iruka and Naruto live, Kakashi grins. He is glad Naruto likes the hat. It's been a long time since he bought a gift for anyone, and this year Jiraiya hasn't sent a present for Kakashi to give to Naruto. Usually Jiraiya sends the gift to Kakashi because he doesn't trust that anyone else will make sure Naruto gets it.

But for some reason, this year Jiraiya is late. So rather than wait for word from Jiraiya, Kakashi bought Naruto that little hat in hopes he wouldn't notice that Jiraiya didn't send him a gift.


	15. Mothers are Always Right

The morning after his party, Naruto jumps up feeling full of life and ready for the day. Iruka is still sleeping. "Iruka nii-san!" Naruto shakes Iruka. "Iruka nii-san it's morning!"

Iruka rolls over and mutters, "Don't feel good." Iruka starts coughing and pulls the fuuton over his head.

"What's wrong, Iruka nii-san?" asks Naruto, confused. "Are you sick?"

"I think I caught a cold in the rain yesterday."

"Oh," says Naruto. "Can I go and get my clothes from the Hokage's house?" he asks.

"Have breakfast first," mumbles Iruka.

"Okay!" agrees Naruto and runs to get himself some breakfast. Once he is finished, Naruto runs his fingers through his hair, pulls on a clean pair of shorts and a clean t shirt and runs to the Hokage's house. When Naruto arrives at the Hokage's house, he walks right in and yells for the old man.

The Hokage appears a few seconds later looking very frazzled. "Naruto," he says, surprised. "Where's Iruka?"

"He's at home," says Naruto. "He has a cold."

"Oh, not another one!" groans the Hokage.

"Huh?" Naruto cocks his head to one side. "Who else has a cold?"

"Hinata, Shikamaru and Choji," replies the Hokage. "Shisui caught the flu. You are the only one who went out in the rain yesterday and didn't get sick."

"Oh," Naruto droops. That means he won't be able to play with his friends today. "So, can I have my clothes back?"

"Oh, yes," the Hokage, turns and leads Naruto into the living room where the box of the Fourth's old clothes is still sitting in the middle of the floor. Naruto's washed clothes are sitting folded neatly on top. "Your clothes are right here," the Hokage says, gesturing for Naruto to take them.

Naruto scoops them up and looks curiously at the box. "Do you have all my parents' old stuff?" he asks.

"Yes, I do," the Hokage tells him. "But you don't have room for it at your apartment, so I will keep it all until you are older."

"Do you have any pictures of them?" Naruto asks.

"Hm?" the Hokage considers this. "Pictures? I think I have some, but Naruto, it is far too dangerous for you to have any pictures of them."

"Why?" demands Naruto, scowling.

"I didn't tell you this yesterday because you were too tired to hear any more, but your parents both had a lot of enemies. If anyone finds out that you are Minato and Kushina's child they would kill you. That is why I was against telling you who your parents are: the less people who know who they were, the safer you will be." The Hokage sighs. "But Iruka insisted I tell you. He wants to tell you about your mother's people and knows that he cannot teach you all he needs to unless you know who your parents were. You cannot tell anyone who your parents are, do you understand?"

Naruto sticks his bottom lip out. "Fine," he pouts. "I won't tell anybody. But can I see a picture of them? Please?"

"Alright," sighs the Hokage. "Come with me." the Hokage picks up the box of the Fourth's old clothes and leads Naruto upstairs to a room filled with boxes of stuff.

Naruto gazes around the room in fascination. "What's all this stuff?" he asks.

"I've been keeping a lot of stuff for people," says the Hokage. He puts down the box of clothes and rummages in another box and pulls out a folder filled with photographs.

Naruto stands on the tips of his toes, trying to see the photos. The Hokage holds the album just out of his reach. After a few seconds, Naruto gets fed up and grabs the photo album, knocking it out of the Hokage's hands.

"Naruto!" scold the Hokage.

Naruto scoops up the album and looks at the photograph on the page it is open to. In the picture, a woman with long, red hair is sitting on the lap of a man with blonde hair. They are reading a book called 'Tales of a Gutsy Ninja' and laughing. "Are they my parents?" asks Naruto, staring at the photo in awe.

"Yes," confirms the Hokage. "They are your parents. Now hand me that album, Naruto."

Naruto scowls at the Hokage. "I want to see all the pictures in here!" he says stubbornly.

The Hokage sighs. "Fine you can look at the pictures, but please hurry up. I need to take Shisui home before he infects Konohamaru."

Eyes as wide as dinner plates, Naruto flicks back to the start of the photo album and looks at all the photos. Then he turns back the pages and looks through again. And again. And again. Then Lord Third takes the album out of Naruto's hands and packs it away. Naruto tries to grab it back, but the Hokage easily keeps it out of his reach. Naruto pays close attention to where the Hokage puts the photo album. He plans to steal it at the first opportunity.

"Naruto," says the Hokage seriously. "You need to go home so I can look after Shisui. Once you get home, take Iruka to see a doctor. I do not know how bad the others are, but if Iruka is anywhere near as bad a Shisui, he will need a doctor. Do you understand, Naruto?"

"Yes," says Naruto. "But Iruka-niisan said he has a cold, not the flu."

Naruto goes home to find Iruka-nii sitting dejectedly in the middle of his fuuton with a cup of what smells like hot lemonade. "Hey, Iruka-niisan," grins Naruto. "I went to see Grandpa Hokage and he thinks you should go see a doctor."

"I don't need to see a doctor," grumbles Iruka niisan. "I just need to rest."

"Okay!" Naruto grins and runs over to the window, throwing it open and leaning out. "Hey, Mr ANBU! Stop hiding and come say hi!" Iruka-niisan haules Naruto back inside by his shorts. Outside, a flash of white signals that the Naruto's ANBU is gone. "Aw, I wanted to say hi to the ANBU." Naruto droops. "All my friends are sick and I thought he might play with me."

"Naruto, how did you even know the ANBU was there?" asks Iruka-niisan. He sounds surprised for some reason.

"I could smell him," says Naruto cheerfully. "I guess you couldn't since your nose is all blocked up, huh?"

Iruka-niisan stares at Naruto, an expression on his face that no one has ever directed at Naruto before. Naruto doesn't even know what the expression means.

"Is something wrong?" Naruto asks.

"No," Iruka-niisan shakes his head and smiles. "Let's work on your fuuinjutsu."

* * *

Kakashi Hatake stands at the top of a tree, far out of sight. He is shaking. "He saw me," Kakashi mutters, leaning against the tree's trunk. "How? He's never seen me before… or has he?"

Kakashi looks up at the sky, trying to calm down. How did Naruto know?

"Senpai?"

Kakashi turns to see Tenzou standing on the branch just below him. "Oh, hello, Tenzou."

"Is something wrong senpai?" Tenzou asks, a puzzled expression on her usually unemotional face. "You're shaking like a leaf."

"It's nothing you need to worry about," says Kakashi, trying to shake off his onset of paranoia.

"We have a mission, remember?" says Tenzou. "You can't be distracted."

Kakashi nods and jumps down from the tree.

* * *

Hiruzen signs off another mission report and sighs. Paperwork might be boring, but it is necessary. It is what one could call a necessary evil. If only one could go to war against paperwork. The only downside to that plan is that a war requires paperwork to run smoothly. So the paperwork would win because it would know all his plans from the start.

 _I need some air,_ Hiruzen decides. _All this paperwork is bad for my mental health._ He stands up and, picking up his pipe and hat, Hiruzen heads outside to survey the village.

The Hidden Leaf is busy as usual, with civilians, ninjas and police going about their business. Hiruzen sees Fugaku and stops to ask him how Shisui is doing.

"Shisui is almost recovered," Fugaku tells him. "His parents are not overly happy about having a sick teenager on their hands."

"Remind me never to give Shisui sugar again," says Hiruzen, smiling around his pipe. "Or leave him alone with a room full of stir-crazy five and six year olds."

Fugaku just laughs. A second later he is almost knocked over when Naruto rockets by in a whirl of yellow and orange.

"Hi Hokage! Hi Mr. Police Chief!" Naruto yells, waving to them as he runs away through the crowd.

Twitching in surprise, Fugaku says, "He's wearing orange."

Iruka appears beside them and says, "He wanted an orange t shirt. I hope he doesn't take to wearing orange all the time."

"Actually, it suits him," smiles Hiruzen, thinking how appropriate the colour is on Naruto.

"Lord Hokage, can I talk to you?" Iruka asks, he seems out of breath, probably because he is still recovering from his cold.

"What is it?" Hiruzen asks.

"Um," Iruka looks down uncomfortably. "The morning after the party, Naruto...well...um...he noticed that there was an ANBU outside our apartment. He said that he could smell the ANBU."

"He could…" Fugaku stares at Iruka, his mouth open in shock.

"Can you find out which ANBU it was?" says Iruka. "I want to know if he let himself be discovered."

"Of course," agrees Hiruzen. He already knows which ANBU to asks first.


	16. The Gift

It has been a month since Naruto's birthday and he is finally allowed to play with his friends all day again. It took them ages to get over their colds. Being able to get sick must suck. After a full day of playing in the park with his friends, Naruto runs home at top speed. Iruka-niisan is doing the chunin exams and he has time to experiment with fuuinjutsu before Iruka-niisan is finished. Unless he gets disqualified.

Naruto runs up the stairs to their apartment so fast he trips over the package sitting on the doorstep. It is a big package and it has Naruto's name on it. Carefully, Naruto reads the rest of the characters on the package. It has his address on it too. Proud of himself for reading all the words, Naruto clambers over the package, unlocks the door and pulls the package inside. With much effort, Naruto manages to drag the huge package far enough inside for him to be able to close the door. It is very heavy, and too big for him to lift by himself. Naruto shuts the door, locks it and turns his attention back to the present. Who is it from, he wonders.

Naruto squats down beside the package and gives it a good sniff. It has a scent he recognizes. The package is covered in his mysterious godfather's scent. Naruto whoops, jumping up and pumping his fists in the air. His godfather didn't forget him after all!

Grinning like a hyena on a sugar high, Naruto kneels down and tears open the package. Inside he finds a brightly wrapped box with an envelope attached to the top. Naruto pulls off the envelope, opens it and tries to read the words in the card. To his delight, he can read every word. The note says, " _Hey Kid! I hear you're six now. You don't think girls are icky, do you? Because I can assure you they are not. ;) I also heard you are starting the academy in January. I thought this stuff might come in useful. Presented to you by Your Godfather."_

Once Naruto is finished toiling through the note he scratches his head, wondering why His Godfather would think he might think girls are icky. Naruto's best friend is a girl after all. Naruto shrugs and turns his attention to the actual present. Naruto pries the box open and, upon seeing what's inside, gasps in happiness. Sitting right on top is an orange t shirt with a picture of Gamabunta on the front. Naruto picks the t shirt up and hugs it. Then he sees the backpack. It is orange and green and has two old looking toads in cloaks on the front. The toads names are beside them, but Naruto cannot read them. He will ask Iruka-niisan what the toads names are, or maybe he could ask Hinata's dad.

Tucked in beside the backpack is a pencil case with tadpoles on it. One tadpole is orange and the other one is yellow. Their names are next to them, but Naruto cannot read their names either. Underneath the backpack are some exercise books, each with a different toad on it. Naruto cannot read their names, but he intends to learn.

Naruto carefully stacks the exercise books beside his backpack and pulls out a smaller wooden box. Carefully, Naruto opens it to find a perfectly organized set of ninja tools. Eyes wide, Naruto carefully takes out one of the perfectly balanced kunai and runs his finger along the flatter part of the blade. Mouth open in a silent 'o', Naruto replaces the kunai and picks up one of the pointed shuriken. He holds it carefully, trying hard not to cut himself. After staring at the shuriken in awe for a few moments, Naruto puts it back in the weapons' case and tentatively touches one of the reels of ninja wire.

Naruto's awed expression slowly gives way to a massive grin. Then he jumps up and starts running around the apartment yelling "Woohoo! Yes!" at the top of his lungs. Then Naruto falls onto the floor and starts laughing happily.

Remembering that there is more in the box, Naruto rolls into a sitting position and scoots back over to his Godfather's present. Digging in the box, Naruto discovers a bunch of pens and pencils tied together with an orange pice of string. Beside them is a small box of toad shaped erasers. Naruto places these items carefully on top of the exercise books and dips back into the box.

This time, Naruto pulls out four scrolls. Each one is labeled with Kanji that Naruto vaguely recognizes. After staring and thinking really hard, Naruto figures out that the scrolls say 'First Hokage', 'Second Hokage' Third Hokage' and 'Fourth Hokage' respectively. Naruto grins. Scrolls about the Hokage's will come in handy for knowing how to be the Hokage one day.

Carefully lining up the scrolls beside his backpack, Naruto delves into the bottom of the box, where two books still lie waiting to be inspected. He pulls out the first book to discover that is called 'History of the Village Hidden in the Leaf'. The author is someone with the last name 'Uchiha'. Naruto decides to ask the nice police chief to help him read that person's first name.

After carefully placing the book on the floor, Naruto lifts the other book out of the box. This time it takes Naruto a bit more effort to read the title, but he soon discovers that the book is 'The History of the Village Hidden in the Whirlpool, by somebody-whose-name-he-can't-read Uzumaki. Second edition; with updates by Kushina Uzumaki.'

Naruto stares at the book in his hands. His mum helped write it? Naruto stares in disbelief. He stares in happiness. He is holding something his mother did! He has something of hers that he can keep and read and look at and hold and the Hokage can't take it away because it's for school. Naruto stares. And stares. And stares some more. And keeps staring for all of five minutes.

Eventually, Naruto gets up and takes the book into the bedroom. Carefully, he places it on his bed so it will be nice and comfortable. Once he is sure that no harm will come to the Whirlpool history book his mum co-wrote, Naruto heads back to the rest of the school supplies and carries them one by one into the bedroom and finds homes for them. Then he sits on his fuuton hugging his Gamabunta plushy and staring at his Mum's book with a huge grin on his face.

* * *

Naruto puts his toad themed stationery into his toad themed backpack and heads off to meet his friends. He wants to see if any of his friends know the characters he does not. When he arrives at the park, Naruto quickly locates Hinata, Choji and Shikamaru. If any of them knows it will be Shikamaru. Naruto brought the Leaf History book, but not the Whirlpool one. He doesn't want to accidently get it dirty or ripped.

After showing his toad things to his friends, Naruto asks them if they know any of the characters he does not. After pouring over the toads' names, Naruto's friends assure him that, no, they do not know any of the kanji that he does not. The only one they recognize is the kanji for 'toad'.

"We need an adult," says Shikamaru. "Adults know how to read kanji and we don't."

"But where can we find an adult?" asks Choji. "Unless we all go to one of our houses."

"Iruka-niisan is still at the chunin exams," says Naruto.

"My dad is at the chunin exams keeping an eye on his team," adds Shikamaru.

"My dad is busy doing clan stuff," says Hinata. "If I go home he'll make me help him, because I'm going to lead the clan one day."

"Same with my dad," says Choji. "Does anyone know any other adults?"

"We could ask the Hokage," suggests Hinata.

"NO!" Naruto blurts out. If they go to the Hokage, he might find out about the Whirlpool book, or even ask for the Fourth Hokage's cloak back. Naruto did not take it back after the party. It is currently sitting on his fuuton with the scarf his mum made and the Whirlpool book.

His friends stare at him in confusion.

"Why not?" asks Shikamaru. "Does it have something to do with why you never returned The Fourth's cloak?"

Naruto blushes bright red. He wishes he could tell his friends who he is.

"I thought so," says Shikamaru. "So what other adults do we know?"

"Well, we could always asks Shisui," suggests Hinata. "He's older than us, so he might know these kanji."

"But where do we find Shisui?" asks Choji, pulling out a bag of chips and setting about devouring its contents.

"Let's ask a policeman," suggests Hinata. "They're all from the same clan, so I bet one of them will know where to find Shisui."

"Okay!" Naruto agrees, and starts packing his stuff back into his backpack. "Let's go find a policeman!"

* * *

In the Village Hidden in the Leaf, on the Eleventh of November, several people stop when they see a most unusual sight. Four small children, one of whom is the jinchuuriki, march straight up to the chief of police, who is out on his rounds. After asking the chief where Shisui is, the children are informed that he is currently unavailable.

Upon seeing how disappointed the children are, Fugaku Uchiha asks why they wanted Shisui, adding jokingly whether or not they wanted him for a prank. Upon discovering that the children wanted Shisui's help reding some unfamiliar kanji, the police chief does something that astonishes everyone who sees it and everyone who hears about it. He sits down with the children and helps them read the name of every toad on the jinchuriki's stationary.

The onlookers pretend not to stare, or even listen in as Fugaku assures the children that, yes, the author of the history book is his wife. Then he sadly informs them that no, he didn't have any more success than Shisui did trying to convince his daughter to play with them. The kids don't seem too saddened by that, bravely declaring they will win Sasuke over once they start at the Academy.

Fugaku laughs and smiles encouragingly at that, and the onlookers all freeze in shock. Not one of them ever considered the possibility that the forbidding head of the Uchiha Clan might actually have a sense of humor.


	17. The Sowing of Seeds

Buzzing with excitement, Iruka bounds up the stairs to his apartment two at a time. He can't wait to tell Naruto that he finally made it to the last round of the chunin exams. No sooner has Iruka opened the than he is knocked over by Naruto.

"Iruka-niisan! You're back!" Naruto yells in happiness.

Iruka grins down at Naruto and says, "I made it to the final round!"

"Yay!" Naruto lets go of Iruka and starts jumping around. Then he grabs Iruka's hand and says "Come see what I got!" he pulls Iruka into their bedroom and points triumphantly at a pile of toad themed school supplies.

"Um…" Iruka isn't sure how to react. "Where did you get this stuff?"

"From my godfather," explains Naruto. "It's a late birthday present."

"Oh." Iruka is not sure what he should do. Lord Third told him to run any and everything that comes from Jiraiya by him before Naruto gets his hands on it, but obviously Naruto got to it first. Maybe whoever delivered it waited until they were sure Naruto would be the one to find it. "Well, that will all be very useful, won't it?"

"Yep!" Naruto grins. "Look at this!" he picks up a carefully swaddled book from its cushioning in the middle of his fuuton and holds it up for Iruka to see.

Iruka takes the book from Naruto's hands. 'The History of the Village Hidden in the Whirlpool, by Mito Uzumaki. Second edition; with updates by Kushina Uzumaki', says the title. Something tells Iruka that the Hokage won't like Naruto owning something that can be linked back to his parents. On the other hand, Iruka does like the idea of Naruto owning something that he can link back to his parents. Besides, this book will be incredibly helpful for teaching Naruto about the Whirlpool. Besides, this book used to be a required textbook for all Academy students. "This book is actually pretty hard to get hold of," comments Iruka.

"My Mum wrote some of it," says Naruto happily. "But what's the other Uzumaki's name?"

"Mito," Iruka tells him. "She was your mother's Great Aunt." If the Hokage heard Iruka say that, he might lose his Naruto Teaching Privileges.

"Really?" Naruto's eyes light up.

"Yes," grins Iruka. "Take good care of this book. I don't think I would be able to get hold of another copy if you lost or damaged it." And the Hokage would kill him if he brought Naruto a book with his mother's name on it.

"I will!" announces Naruto. "I will treat it like a precious treasure! 'Cause it is."

Iruka nods once and hands the book back to Naruto. "Now, Naruto," he begins, seriously. "For the next month I will be gone most mornings and home late most nights because I will be training for the chunin exams. While I'm gone you can work on your fuuinjutsu. You can start on the Second book as soon as you finish the first one. You can practice as much as you like, just don't blow anything up, set anything on fire, flood the apartment (again), spill ink everywhere, cut yourself, draw the seals on your body, make random things stick to you, summon any shinigami, cause an earthquake, try not to summon any mythical beasts-"

"I get it Iruka-niisan," interrupts Naruto. "I'll try not to cause any accidents. I'll be really careful."

"Naruto, remember your manners," scolds Iruka. "Interrupting is rude."

"Yes Iruka-niisan," says Naruto, hanging his head.

"Good, now let's have some tea."

* * *

Tenzou is fully geared up, her ANBU mask securely in place and her form concealing cloak shrouding her and helping her blend into the shadows. She is a forbidding sight (well she would be if anyone could see her). Now Tenzou isn't usually one to question her orders (at least not when they are from the Hokage, Danzo on the other hand was a different matter), but is it really necessary to stake out a six year old boy in order to determine whether or not the Hokage needs to steal his birthday presents?

But, orders are orders and Tenzou has to follow them. Her observations have uncovered the fact that one of the books Jiraiya sent has Naruto's mother's name on it. The Hokage didn't exactly tell Tensou everything, but he did say that anything that can be linked back to Naruto's parents must be reported immediately. Tenzou is on her way to do just that.

Tenzou is not overly surprised when another ANBU appears beside her. They have a tendency to investigate if they see one of their own heading for the Hokage tower at top speed. What does surprise her is that the ANBU is Kakashi sempai. "Hello Senpai," she greets him.

"Why are you on your way to the Hokage?" he asks.

"Because I have the information he wanted," replies Tenzou.

"Is it classified?" asks Sempai.

"Well, it is about the jinchuuriki, so yes."

Sempai stops Tenzo and turns her around to face him. "Is it about Jiraiya's gift?" he demands.

"Yes," she admits. It seems he knows about her mission.

"Let me guess; the Hokage wants to know about anything that could link back to Naruto's parents?"

"Yes."

"Do not tell him anything."

"Why not?" Tenzou demands. Sempai is starting to scare her.

"Because if you do I will tell the team that you sleep with a pink teddy bear named Mr Fluffy-Pants."

"But…" Tenzou protests. He wouldn't, would he?

"And then I'll glue all the books in your apartment shut."

"Uh…" How is he keeping a straight face while saying this?

"And then I'll tell Ebisu where you keep your porn."

"I don't keep porn!" squeaks Tenzou.

"Then I'll tell Might Gai that you would LOVE to go training with him."

Damn, his threats are about to work. Might Gai is bad enough when she has to be in the same room as him. Maybe there is a way she can turn the situation around? Maybe some sort of blackmail? Good thing he can't see her face, otherwise he would see how scared she is. The perfect idea occurs to Tenzou. Then she blushes violently and is instantly glad for her ANBU mask. "Do you honestly think that your threats would scare me?" Tenzou demands defiantly. _They scare, they scare me, they scare me!_ She panics on the inside.

Sempai seems taken aback. "Damn," he says. "I was sure the Gai one would work. Are you sure you don't have a porn stash I can show everyone?"

"I do not have a porn stash." And Tenzou doesn't, either. What she does have is an unhealthy tendency to stare at Senpai's nice butt. "But I do have a proposition for you. Perhaps you would be willing to buy my silence?" Tenzou really doesn't want to crush the dreams of a little kid. Or have everyone find out she still sleeps with Mr. Fluffy-Pants.

"Um…" now it's Kakashi senpai's turn to look scared. "What do you want me to do?"

Feeling vastly more confident, but still blushing like a tomato, Tenzou says, "You have to take me on a date. But if I'm not impressed, I'll tell the Hokage anyway. And then I'll tell him you tried to threaten me into keeping quiet."

"Okay," agrees Sempai. "Where do you want me to take you?"

"You decide. Surprise me."

* * *

Kakashi spends all of the following day preparing to take Tenzou on a date in order to save Naruto's happiness. He spent a sleepless night trying to figure out what to do. Eventually he decided to copy what Minato sensei did the first time he took Kushina neesama on a date. That is, take her on a picnic. The real problem was where, since Kakashi does not want to completely copy Minato sensei. But then he thought of the perfect location.

When the appointed time comes, Kakashi collects Tenzou from her apartment. She is waiting outside for him, leaning against the door with a nervous scowl on her face. Kakashi stares for longer than can be covered by an excuse. This is the first time he has seen Tenzou in civilian clothes. And she's wearing girly clothes, too. Not just shorts and a pink t shirt either, no she's wearing a floral print dress, high heeled sandals, a ribbon in her hair and she has a handbag.

"What are you staring at?" she demands.

"You're wearing a dress," he says, and instantly feels stupid.

"And you brushed your hair, but do you see me staring? No, you don't," Tenzou sasses back.

"Sorry, I've just never seen you wearing civilian clothes before," apologises Kakashi.

"Well at least I actually own civilian clothes!"

"Ah, touche."

"So... what's in the basket?"

"A picnic. It's a picnic basket. We're going on a picnic."

"A picnic…?"

"Don't tell me you've never been on a picnic before!"

"Um…" Tenzou blushes bright red, confirming that she has never been on a picnic before.

Kakashi forgets that Naruto's happiness rides on this date as his fears are replaced by an iron-cast determination to make sure Tenzou's first picnic ever is her best picnic ever.

He didn't spend all day making every bit of food in the basket so that his friend would be turned off picnics for the rest of her life.

* * *

As the sun is setting, two off duty ANBU can be found sitting atop the Fourth Hokage's head. Sitting on a picnic blanket, with a basket of bento, sushi and rice balls, it is obvious they are on a date. Although at first glance it would be impossible to tell they are ANBU, the trained eye can see past the girl's floral dress and pink blushes, and the young man's lazy expression and mask.

And perhaps, the casual observer might think seeds of romance are blossoming between the pair. If the casual observer were to take a look in the girl's mind, however, they would find that she has been crazy for sempai for as long as she has known him. A look in the young man's mind would reveal a hidden, but not forgotten, fear that if this date does not go well, a little boy's happiness might be torn asunder. But the casual observer would have to see past the growing crush on the girl to uncover that information.

And maybe, just maybe, if the casual observer were to look in both minds they would find that both ANBU are scared of losing the other. After all, they are ANBU and ANBU have a tendency to be killed in combat.


	18. Every Hero Needs a Montage

Once Iruka niisan has left for his training, Naruto gets out his fuuinjutsu supplies and prepares for a long day of working on his pet project. Maybe after lunch he'll go play with his friends. Naruto studies fuuinjutsu all morning, making mental notes of anything that will help with his project. After a satisfying lunch of ramen, he heads out to play with his friends.

* * *

The next day, Iruka niisan is gone before Naruto wakes up. Naruto has some ramen for breakfast, goes out and plays with his friends until lunchtime then runs home, because he wants to start practicing his fuinjutsu, dammit! Naruto spends several painstaking hours drawing out seals and trying to activate them, only to have them fail. Eventually, with his Gamabunta plushie sitting beside him, Naruto makes a seal that actually works.

It has the effect of making Gamabunta stick to him.

Great. Just great. Iruka niisan specifically told him not to make random things stick to himself. No matter how hard he tries, Naruto cannot get Gamabunta unstuck.

When Iruka niisan finally gets home, Naruto shyly says, "I kinda accidently stuck Gamabunta to myself and I can't get him off."

Iruka niisan sighs and shows Naruto how to make the counter-seal.

* * *

Naruto doesn't do any experimenting for the next few days, instead playing with his friends and studying. One day he brings his friends over to his apartment and they read the Whirlpool history book together. Shikamaru makes up his mind to get a copy of his own, and Hinata says she will see if the Hyuuga library has a copy. Choji asks if anyone wants a chip.

* * *

When Naruto does get back to experimenting, he accidently sets the table on fire. Immediately, he lets all the water out of one of Iruka niisan's River Holding Seals. The water puts out the fire, but it also floods the apartment. Naruto reverses the seal, but he puts too much chakra into it and everything close to him ends up a bit too dry. At least his Whirlpool history book wasn't ruined.

He does not tell Iruka about it though.

* * *

After that scare, Naruto takes a break from fuuinjutsu and spends his time pulling pranks with Hinata. They even manage to rope Shikamaru and Choji into one of the pranks.

It turns out Hinata's grandfather does not like having his hair braided with pink ribbons while he is taking a power nap.

* * *

When Naruto works up the courage to start practicing his fuinjutsu again, he does it outside. Sitting under a tree in the forest with his friends mucking around nearby, Naruto practices drawing seals. When he tries activating them, only one works. It blows up in his face, making his hair stand on end and his face turn black.

Naruto blinks a few times.

"Naruto, are you okay?" asks Hinata, rushing over followed closely by Shikamaru and Choji.

"Uh-huh," Naruto nods. "I think I could adapt this seal to throw out paint."

* * *

The paint throwing seal takes a few days to perfect, but when Naruto does perfect it, he and his friends repaint several rooms in the Hyuuga, Akimichi and Nara compounds. They carefully set up each seal to throw out its paint as soon as someone walks into the room.

Hinata's mean cousin Neji walks into the kitchen one afternoon looking for a drink and the entire kitchen, including him, is splattered with green paint.

Choji's second cousin on his dad's side walks into the Akimichi dojo and gets splattered with orange paint. He runs out of the dojo in terror when he sees the Uzumaki crest splattered onto the floor before his very eyes.

Shikamaru's first cousin twice removed enters the Nara clan's meeting hall only to have bright, neon yellow paint start flying everywhere. He decides he is too old for this and goes home without telling anyone what happened. They'll find out soon enough on their own.

* * *

The day after the successful paint-pranks, Naruto goes back to practicing his fuuinjutsu. Once again he practices outside with his friends hanging around and occasionally dragging him into a game.

"So, what does this do?" Hinata asks one day, pointing at the seal Naruto just drew.

Naruto is pretty sure he got something wrong, but he grins and says, "Let's find out!" Then he activates the seal.

For a moment nothing happens. Then with a deep rumble the ground beneath them begins to shake. All across the Hidden Leaf, the Earth trembles. The dogs at the Inuzuka compound start barking up a storm. After a few seconds the earthquake passes and the seal stops glowing.

Hinata stares at Naruto.

"You just made an earthquake," says Shikamaru, stupidly stating the obvious.

"Aw, I dropped my chips," whines Choji.

* * *

Much later, when Iruka gets home from training, Naruto shyly sidles up to him. "Um, Iruka niisan," Naruto says, hands clasped behind his back while nervously scuffing the floor with one foot. "You know that earthquake we had today?" Naruto looks at the floor and then at Iruka and back at the floor.

"Yes, what about the earthquake we had today?" asks Iruka.

"I may or may not have caused it," Naruto says.

"And how did you cause an earthquake?" asks Iruka, wanting to know if Naruto knows how he did it.

"It may or may not have been because of energy rebounding into the ground from the seal I may or may not have made a mistake on but activated anyway."

Iruka sighs. Of course that's what happened.

* * *

Naruto has moved on the second fuuinjutsu text book now, and the excitement of testing new fuuinjutsu techniques keeps him from pulling any pranks. Of course, this time he sticks carefully to the examples in the book. He does not want to cause any tsunamis. Out of pure interest, he also spends some time developing his earthquake seal, but on a much smaller scale.

Then one day, Naruto makes a mistake and a huge ghostlike figure appears. Naruto consults the help section of the book to see what it is. Apparently it is a shinigami. The method for getting rid of it does not work.

Naruto reads the entire help section to figure out what to do. Then he consults the first fuuinjutsu text book's help section. It says: _in case of accidental summoning of a shinigami (see figure one) seek help immediately in case it steals your soul._ Naruto screams and runs to find Iruka niisan.

Hinata follows him but Choji and Shikamaru simply keep watching the clouds.

* * *

Joe the Shinigami was having a boring day until he was summoned. When he saw the blonde child he thought, _Who is this kid? I've never been summoned by a blonde._ But then he saw the Uzumaki symbol on the front of the boy's orange t shirt.

 _That explains everything,_ thinks the Shinigami, nodding to himself. _Another Uzumaki is learning fuuinjutsu. He must be the kid with the blonde father - Kushina's kid._ After musing for a bit while the Uzumaki tries to figure out what to do, Joe decides to read over the boys shoulder. It seems he's given up on the second fuuinjutsu book and is consulting the first one. This is going to be good.

The little Uzumaki screams and starts running. Probably to find an Umino. They always run to find their Umino teacher. Joe floats along behind him, noting that this is not the Hidden Whirlpool but the Hidden Leaf. He knows the Hidden Leaf because his Uzumaki friend Mito used to summon him for a chat every now and again. The little Hyuuga girl with Kushina's son follows them through the village.

As the two children run past with Joe floating along behind them, the people they pass either scream and run away or pull out katanas and kunai. That is, everyone except the Uchihas, who simply sigh and shake their heads, and the old Hokage who takes his pipe out of his mouth and stares as they pass. It seems the Uchiha know not to stress too much over Uzumakis doing strange things.

Kushina's blonde son arrives at a training ground where a jounin is training three genins, one of whom Joe recognizes.

"Make him leave! Make him leave make him leave!" Kushina son screams, running up to Iruka Umino. "The book said he might steal my soul!"

"Calm down, Naruto," says Iruka. "It's just Joe. Joe doesn't steal people's souls." Then he turns to Joe. "Hey Joe. How have you been? I haven't seen you since my level two test."

"I take it this is his first time summoning a shinigami?" asks Joe. "Usually Uzumakis start younger."

"I only got my hands on him a year ago," says Iruka. "And I had to start his education from scratch."

"Ah, well let me know if you want a chat sometime," says Joe. "You know Mito used to summon me all the time."

"Are you friends?" asks Naruto, wide eyed.

"Yes," says Joe. "I'm Joe. I was your Mum's first accidental Shinigami summon too."

"Really?" Naruto's entire face lights up.

"You look just like her, but with yellow hair."

"Really? That's awesome, Dattebayo!"

"He even inherited her verbal tic," says Joe sentimentally, putting his hand on his chest.

"I'm going to have to send you back before you break an S rank law," says Iruka. "I'll summon you some other time."

* * *

A few days later, Iruka comes home to find Naruto, once again standing with his hands behind his back and scuffing his foot on the floor in that adorable way of his.

"What did you do this time?" asks Iruka, taking note of the cat-sized phoenix sitting on Naruto's shoulder.

"I may or may not have accidentally summoned a unicorn and a phoenix," admits Naruto nervously. Then he looks up at Iruka and frantically adds, "But it's okay - I gave the Unicorn to Hinata since we don't have room in our apartment!"

Shaking his head, Iruka says, "You are so lucky we're allowed pets here."

"You mean I can keep Sparky?" asks Naruto, a smile lighting up his face.

* * *

Naruto does indeed keep Sparky the Phoenix. The last few days before the final round of the Chunin Exams approach rapidly. Naruto has worked his way through the second fuuinjutsu book. Level one fuuinjutsu is covered in books one and two, while level two is covered in books three and four. Naruto knows he must master books one and two before he can move on to book three. He spends hours each day practicing with Sparky on his shoulder.

On the last day of Iruka niisan's training, Naruto accidentally cuts himself on one of his fuuinjutsu papers. It doesn't hurt, but it gives him enough of a fright that he knocks over his bottle of ink, spilling it across the dining table. The rain had kept him inside that day so he is working at home. Now that he is out of paper, Naruto cannot practice drawing seals, since he is not allowed to touch Iruka niisan's supply of fuuinjutsu paper without permission.

But Naruto is sure he has the seal he's been working on right and really wants to test it. So Naruto does the one thing Iruka niisan alway warned him never to do. He writes the seal on his arm in his own blood. The seal activates instantly, and suddenly Naruto wishes he'd listened to Iruka niisan.


	19. Damn it, Naruto!

In a small village in the Land of Tea, so far out of the way they are about ten years behind on most news and technology, a middle aged couple are sitting down having a cup of tea.

The man has round glasses and hair that turned grey a few years ago. His wife still has some of the golden blonde colour of her youth left in her hair. The woman is reading the latest newspaper, one that a travelling merchant gave her a few days ago. It is by no means the most recent newspaper from the Hidden Leaf, but it is the most recent source of news from the outside world.

"What's the news from the Hidden Leaf?" asks the man.

"Danzo is dead, the children from his Root program are being integrated into the ninja Academy, and the twice-yearly chunin exams are in two weeks' time," the woman reports.

"Ah," the man says, finishing his cup of tea. "So things in the Leaf are their usual 'a disaster just happened, but on the upside life goes on'?"

"It seems like it," replies his wife. "Now if you're finished your cup of tea, let's get you to your optometrist appointment."

Once her husband is safely at his appointment, the woman picks up a random magazine from the table full of old and newer books and magazines. Nothing catches her attention, so she puts it back and rifles through her other options. A book half hidden by hunting magazines catches her attention. She picks it up, discovering that it is an old Shinobi Bingo Book. Curiosity aroused, the woman flicks through the book, stopping occasionally to read an interesting looking profile. Apparently, there is a woman called 'Kushina' who has a flee on sight order. Nice to see woman kind is being represented in the Shinobi world too. The woman flicks through the book until she sees a familiar face staring at her from the pages of the book.

She reads through that profile twice, her heart hammering her ribcage like a professional boxer. Slowly she stands up and walks to the room where her husband is having his eye exam. Pushing past the optometrist, she puts the book in her husband's hands and says, "Our son is alive."

* * *

When Hinata arrived at the Hyuuga compound riding a majestic pink unicorn, it caused quite a stir. Hiashi Hyuuga loves his daughter, but even he did a double take when Hinata informed everyone that Sparkles the Unicorn will be sleeping in her bedroom. "No, Hinata," he had told her. "Unicorns are not inside pets. He can stay in the garden outside your room, alright?"

Hinata had argued that Sparkles would get lonely and cold out there by himself. "Besides," she'd added. "We are going into business together so we need to have our headquarters somewhere."

And that is why Hiashi is currently overseeing the construction of a Unicorn house (Hinata refuses to call it a stable) for Sparkles. Sometimes Hiashi wishes his daughter wasn't quite so bold and demanding.

* * *

After the last hard day of training before the chunin exams, Iruka arrives home around four o'clock thoroughly exhausted. Upon opening the door, he sees a huge mess of ink spilled across the dining table.

Well, it looks like Naruto just has to cut himself and draw a seal on himself in order to do everything Iruka specifically cautioned him against.

"Iruka niisan?"

Iruka follows the sound of Naruto's voice. "Naruto, how did you get on the ceiling?" Iruka asks, feeling done.

"Um, I cut myself and spilled all the ink," admits Naruto. "Please don't be mad, but I kinda wrote an anti-gravity seal on my arm in my own blood."

Iruka is too tired to be mad. "If you don't mind spending the night on the ceiling we can deal with this in the morning. Now I had better clean this mess up so we can have some tea."

* * *

Naruto spends the most unusual night of his life, sleeping on the ceiling wrapped in his fuuton. No matter how hard he tries, he cannot deactivate the seal. Despite the weirdness of the situation, Naruto sleeps quite soundly. After all, there is a saying that says something about comfortable beds being like sleeping on air, and Naruto is literally sleeping on air. At least now he can make the comparison based on actual experience.

The next day is the day before the final round of the chunin exams. Iruka niisan has the day off to rest and prepare mentally. Unfortunately, there is not a lot of rest on the agenda, what with having to do something about Naruto's floating. After breakfast, Iruka niisan leaves to find someone to help, since he cannot deactivate the seal himself. Naruto waits on the kitchen ceiling for him to return.

After a short while, Iruka niisan returns with Hinata's dad and the nice police chief. "Hi!" Naruto waves to them from the ceiling.

"Hello Naruto," says Hinata's dad. "How did you enjoy your night on the ceiling?"

"It was fun," says Naruto. "But I think I want to come down now."

"Only you would get yourself into this kind of mess," says the nice police chief, shaking his head.

"Hey, I like your mustache!" says Naruto, grinning.

"It is finished now," says the police chief, twirling the end of his gentleman's mustache around his finger.

"It's glorious," says Hinata's dad, hiding a smile behind his hand. "Let's see if we can figure out how to deactivate that seal." His eyes go all gross with popped veins and clear pupils.

"AHH!" Naruto screams. "What's up with your eyes?!"

The policeman starts laughing hysterically. "He hangs around your kid, but he's never seen byakugan!"

"What's a ba-ku-thingy?" asks Naruto, confused.

"Byakugan," correct Hinata's dad. "It's a doujutsu - a hereditary eye power. It allows me to see the flow of chakra, among other things. Every Hyuuga has the byakugan."

"How come I've never seen Hinata use it?" asks Naruto.

"Probably because it's used for ninja things," grins the police Chief. "The Uchiha clan has a doujutsu too, but unlike the lucky Hyuugas, we don't all have it. Ours is called Sharingan. It looks like this see?" His eyes turn red.

"WAAH!" Naruto freaks out. "Your eyes are bleeding!"

"No, Naruto," sighs the police chief. "This is the Sharingan."

"Oh." Naruto stares at the freaky doujutsu. "So what does it do?"

"The Sharingan can see through jutsu," explains the police chief. "Hopefully together Hiashi and I can figure out how you are floating and turn off the seal."

"Oh." Naruto isn't sure about these doujutsu things. "Do those doujutsu thingys hurt your eyes?" he asks.

"Only if you use them too much."

"So what do you think, Fugaku?" asks Hinata's Dad.

"I'm stumped," admits the policeman. "You got anything?"

"Nope, I can't make head or tail of it. These Uzumakis are a breed apart."

"Maybe Shisui will be able to figure this out. He's just as bonkers as Naruto and his Sharingan is a lot stronger than mine."

"Good idea. I'll get the only person in my clan with a stronger byakugan than mine." Hinata's dad turns to Iruka niisan. "We'll be back with help soon."

* * *

About half an hour later, Hinata's dad returns with a man who looks exactly like him. In fact, Naruto can't tell which one is Hinata's dad. "Um…" he stammers. "Which one of you is Hinata's dad?"

"That would be me," says the one on the left. "This is my twin brother Hizashi."

"Hi Hinata's Uncle!" says Naruto cheerfully.

"My name is Hizashi," snaps Hinata's Uncle.

"Oh, okay Hinata's Uncle Hizashi! Can you help me get down?"

Hinata's Uncle Hizashi sighs and takes a look at Naruto with his byakugan. He shakes his head and says, "I can't make head or tail of this seal either."

"Damn," says Iruka niisan. "Right now I really wish there was an experienced Uzumaki for me to ask."

"Aren't there any other people from my clan left?" asks Naruto curiously.

"Not that we know of," replies Hinata's dad. "But the people of the Hidden Whirlpool scattered far and wide, so maybe there are still some out there."

At that moment, the nice police chief returns with Shisui.

"Hi Shisui!" Calls down Naruto.

Shisui takes one look at Naruto and falls to the floor in a fit of laughter.

"Um, Shisui?" the nice police chief. "Can you stop laughing and have a look at the anti gravity seal making Naruto float?"

"Why?" giggles Shisui. "He wrote it on HIMSELF. Even if we -" giggle, giggle "- deactivate it, there is a chance he'll accidentally re-activate it." Shisui rolls around and thumps the floor with his fist while holding his stomach. "Wouldn't it be better to let him figure out how to control the seal now that he's -" snort, giggle "- stuck with it forever?" Shisui giggles a bit more then asks, "What did you draw the seal with, anyway?" and goes back to giggling.

"Um, I wrote it with my own blood," admits Naruto.

"Yeah, he needs to learn to control it," agrees Hinata's Uncle Hizashi. "That seal is there for keeps, and there is no guarantee he won't turn it back on accidently if we switch it off."

"So what you're saying is that I'm stuck with a floating Naruto?" asks Iruka.

"Only until he learns to control it," says the nice police chief.

"Until then," giggles Shisui, who is still rolling around on the floor. "Why don't you turn him into a balloon?"

"I don't want to be a balloon!" whines Naruto, and starts crying.

"Woah, don't cry!" Shisui shunshins onto the ceiling and gives Naruto a hug. "I just meant that we should get one of those child harnesses with the leashes on them so that you don't float away when you go outside. You'll need someone to hold the end at all times, though."

"Oh, that's alright then," says Naruto, cheering up. "So long as Sparky gets to come too."

"Sparky? You mean the phoenix you accidently summoned along with that unicorn?" says Hinata's dad.

Shisui laughs so hard he falls off the ceiling.


	20. Trouble at the Exams

Iruka and Naruto make their way to the stadium for the chunin exams. Naruto is wearing a harness and leash. Iruka is carefully holding the end of the leash so Naruto does not float away. Several people stare in shock, but Iruka does hear someone whisper to a friend, "At least there are no shinigami this time!"

Sparky is flying happily along behind Naruto, glad for a chance to stretch his wings.

Once they are at the arena, Iruka hands Naruto over into the keeping of Hiashi and Hinata who have come to watch. Shikamaru is there too along with Choji and Shisui who have, according to them, come to see the Iruka's (troublesome) fight (where he will get his butt kicked) and to eat snacks. When he is sure Naruto will not float away due to somebody's negligence, Iruka heads down to the contestant's waiting area.

Iruka feels a little uncomfortable because he had to get new clothes for the exam, since he wore out his old ones training. He is now wearing the standard dark blue pants and shirt of a Leaf ninja. But, he is wearing the Fourth Hokage's old white jacket over the top so he doesn't look like a blue version of Might Gai. The other reason he is wearing the jacket is to annoy the Third, who he is sure is well aware the neither Naruto nor Iruka returned the clothes they borrowed the day of Naruto's party.

Kotetsu and Izumo are already Chunin, so Iruka is the last on his team to make it to chunin. He took the exam with a second time rookie team whose third member got promoted at the last exam.

Iruka locates his temporary team and heads down to the arena pit to stand with the rest of the contestants.

* * *

Hiruzen takes his seat in the Kage's viewing box. This time he is not the only Kage. The Kazekage and Raikage are there too. One Leaf team, one Grass team, one Sand team and one Cloud team made it to the finals this time. Hiruzen quickly spots young Iruka, who is wearing a VERY familiar jacket.

Oh that little -! How dare he! Blatantly wearing the Fourth's old jacket as if to say: you can't do anything about this because who actually remembers this jacket except you? I do what I want, Iruka seems to be saying. Grr! Hiruzen has half a mind to march down there and slap the little upstart.

Trying to take his mind off Iruka's subtle 'f### you Hiruzen', the Third Hokage combs the audience for Naruto. It does not take him long to find the boy. A floating blonde six year old is hard to miss.

Hiruzen is beginning to understand why his old student Tsunade loves sake so much.

* * *

A few rows behind the floating blonde six year old, the middle aged couple from the Land of Tea are wondering to themselves how to find their long lost son. "Well, he's a ninja," says the man. "So maybe we should ask the Hokage where to find him?"

"Who are you looking for?" asks the person sitting next to the couple.

"Ah, this man," replies the woman, holding the Bingo Book to the appropriate page.

"Oh," says the person beside them. "Haven't you heard? He died when the Nine Tailed Fox attacked the Village six years ago. I guess you're from out of town, huh?"

"He's...dead?" the woman and her husband both feel a crushing weight land on their hearts.

"Um, yeah," the person beside them looks uncomfortable. "Why were you looking for him, anyway?"

"He's our son," the man tells the person beside him. "We lost him a long time ago. And now we've finally tracked him down and he's dead!"

The person is staring at the couple, a look of pure shock on his face. "You're the Fourth Hokage's parents. They're the Fourth Hokage's parents. S###! S###! S###!"

One of the policemen standing nearby vanishes.

* * *

The first round of the Chunin exams is well underway. Hiruzen is enjoying the show, despite Iruka's subtle middle finger pull in the form of the Fourth's old jacket. Hiruzen is watching happily as a kid from the Sand beats up a kid from the Grass. There is nothing quite like watching children from villages that used to be his enemies beat eachother up.

An Uchiha policeman shunshins beside him and whispers in his ear: "There is a couple in the audience who claim to be the Fourth Hokage's parents. What should we do?"

Hiruzen sighs. Why did something like this have to happen today? Why couldn't he watch teenagers beat eachother up in peace? "Take them to my office," he whispers to the Uchiha. "I'll be there shortly to deal with the situation."

The Uchiha nods and shunshins away.

Hiruzen turns to A and Rasa. "I'm afraid an internal matter has come up that I must deal with personally. I'll be back as soon as I can."

"You'll miss the best part," jokes A.

"If I do," says Hiruzen seriously. "Tell me exactly how Iruka Umino got his ass whooped. If not, I don't wanna know."

"Have you got something against that kid?" asks Rasa, sounding surprised.

"Let's just say he is walking on thin ice right now," replies Hiruzen and shunshins to his office.

* * *

Naruto is floating happily above Hinata and her dad. He has the best view of the arena. Sparky is perched on his head. Down in the arena two ninjas are fighting. It's obvious the one from the Sand village is winning. A commotion a few rows back attracts Naruto's attention.

He spins around to look, and sees a policeman escorting an old looking couple out of the stadium. Naruto wonders what they did to get arrested. Shrugging, he turns back to the match. He can't wait for Iruka niisan's.

* * *

Hiruzen eyes the nervous couple in front of him long enough to make them a lot more nervous. Normally he would not be so cruel, but these two are claiming to be the long lost parents of Minato Namikaze. "Who are you?" he asks crisply.

"My name is Arashi Namikaze," says the man. "And this is my wife, Kazama."

Hiruzen leans forward and peers at them. They certainly look like Minato. However, there is the small problem that they could be lying. "You will understand if I do not believe you?" Hiruzen says, interlocking his fingers beneath his chin.

Arashi stares at Hiruzen in surprise. 'What reason would we have to lie?"

"Well if two strangers turned up in your village claiming to the long lost parents of your former leader, would you simply believe them?"

"We don't claim to be the Fourth Hokage's parents!" blurts out Kazama. "We are looking for our son, Minato! What's this Fourth Hokage business?"

"Do you not know?" asks Hiruzen, a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. "Minato Namikaze was the Fourth Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaves." By the looks on their faces, Hiruzen is forced to conclude they did not know.

"So Minato really is dead then?" says Arashi, his voice flat and lifeless.

 _Yes, but his son is alive,_ Hiruzen really wants to say. Instead he says, "How did you not know where he was for so long?"

"After our village was destroyed, we searched for our son for months," Arashi says, still with no animation or life in his voice. "When we could not find him, we assumed he must have died, and went to live in the Land of Tea. The village we were in is isolated, so we got very little news of the outside world. Even this Bingo Book, which we found our son's picture in, is about six years old." Arashi hands Hiruzen an outdated Bingo Book.

"Shinobi are not generally in the habit of leaving Bingo Books lying around," says Hiruzen. "For one to have been discarded, either the shinobi who owned it is dead or was captured."

Arashi and Kazama just sit there, staring. Hiruzen wishes he had got to them before they accidently revealed to the world that they are Minato's parents. But now the whole village will soon know who they are, meaning he cannot let them meet Naruto incase his safety is compromised. If only there was a way, some ruse he could use as cover so the rest of the world will never know the truth.

If only.

* * *

Iruka's parents had always told Iruka never to fight distracted. Or at least, never to fight using fuuinjutsu while distracted. But after winning his first match, while waiting for his second, Iruka heard the spreading rumors that the Fourth Hokage's parents turned up out of the blue, with no idea their son was the Fourth. And for the first time in a long time, Iruka felt afraid.

He is afraid that the pair will find out their son is dead and leave because there is no way Lord Third will deem it safe enough to tell them about Naruto. He is afraid that they will find out about Naruto and take him away from Iruka. He is afraid they will turn out to be fakes - assassins come to infiltrate and kill Naruto.

But most of all, he is afraid Naruto will find out and try to meet them, only to have Hiruzen forbid them from ever seeing each other again. Iruka knows the danger, understands why such lengths must be gone to to protect Naruto. But he does not like it, and he is afraid what this will do to Naruto.

And it is because of this that Iruka cannot focus on his fight against the Akimichi boy. It is because his mind is whirling that he is losing to an opponent he knows full well he should have beaten by now.

And that is why Iruka forfeits the match - he cannot focus. He is going to lose anyway, he tells the stunned audience. So he might as well quit now.


	21. Joe Saves the Day

Arashi and Kazama make their way towards the village gates. There is no point to them staying any longer. Both are incredibly saddened by the news that, not only is their son really dead, but that he died a scant six years ago. If they had found him sooner they could have been reunited with their son, instead of a monument, a grave and a fantastic legend.

* * *

Iruka runs into the stairwell, barely waiting for the Akimichi he took the Chunin exams with to go back to the waiting area before he starts drawing a seal. A moment later, Joe appears.

"What's up, little mortal?" Joe asks. "You look like someone stole your undies off your washing line."

"No one pinched my undies," says Iruka, hiccuping hysterically. "But Naruto's dad's parents just turned up out of the blue and I don't know what to do!"

"So you called a shinigami?"

"Well, you're a god of death! You know who's dead and who isn't, right?"

"Yes, and Minato Namikaze's parents are not," says Joe, serious now. "But it seems as if they are leaving the Leaf Village. Why would they do that with Naruto here?"

"Because we can't tell anyone who Naruto's parents are," says Iruka desperately. "What should I do?"

Joe grins. "Leave everything to me!" he says cheerfully and flies off.

"WAIT, JOE!" Iruka yells, running after the Shinigami. "Come back!"

* * *

Filled with a fiery determination, Joe flies over the heads of screaming and panicking humans to where the little blonde Uzumaki is floating. "Don't worry, mortals," Joe says cheerfully. "I'm not here for your souls. That's what my friend Dave would do."

The mortals don't seem overly comforted by this, so Joe ignores them and heads for Naruto.

"Hi, Joe!" Naruto grins, waving.

Joe takes the leash stopping Naruto from floating away off the little Hyuuga girl and tucks the boy under his arm. "I'll be taking this," he says. "But don't worry, you'll get him back."

"Where are we going?" asks little Naruto.

"Hush," says Joe and flies as fast as he can to Minato's parents. Joe soon finds them, making their miserable way to the village gates. "Hey! Mortals!" Joe yells.

The Namikazes turn to look up at him. They do not even flinch at the sight of the Shinigami. That is not a good sign.

"What do you want?" the man asks. His name is Arashi, Joe recalls.

Joe holds out Naruto and says, "This here is Minato's kid." Holding Naruto under the arms, Joe carefully places the boy in his grandfather's arms.

An Uchiha with a mustache comes running up. "What's going on?" He asks. "I saw you flying by with Naruto and thought I better investigate in case something is wrong."

"You're Fugaku, right?" asks Joe. "The head Uchiha?"

"Yes, I am," the Uchiha confirms. "What's going on here?"

"I was just dropping Naruto off with his grandparents," Joe tells him.

"Naruto's identity is an S rank secret," says Fugaku. "Even the clan heads aren't supposed to know, but we aren't stupid - it's kinda obvious."

"Oh, so that's why the Last Umino was tearing up over what to do," realizes Joe. "The little Uzumaki is an S Rank secret. That makes sense. Well, in that case, it's a good thing I'm the one who told them. I am not bound by your human rules."

"Oh, thank goodness," says Fugaku. "Because the Hokage is going to be pissed."

"Um, what is going on here?" asks Kazama, sounding very, very confused.

"Nobody is allowed to know who my parents are because they have heaps of enemies," explains Naruto. "But Joe is a Shinigami so the Hokage can't tell him off for telling you that I'm your grandson, dattebayo."

"But why is it a secret?" demands Arashi.

"Ah, now that is something I am sure Lord Third will need to explain himself," says Fugaku. "Now, Mr. Shinigami, you had better help me explain things to the Hokage so the Hokage can explain things to this nice couple."

"Do you always look disapproving?" asks Joe.

"Unfortunately," says Fugaku. "Now, if all of you would please accompany me to the Hokage's office - NO! Don't let go of Naruto!" Fugaku grabs ahold of Naruto, who Arashi had, unaware of the danger, tried to set the boy on the ground. "Alright, I think I had better hang on to Naruto until we get into the Hokage tower."

* * *

"...and that is why I did not tell you about Naruto," Hiruzen finishes. He is actually glad that the shinigami intervened.

Minato's parents stare at him, then each other. "You mean you couldn't have explained this to us before?" asks Kazama. "Why not? I would rather know I have a grandson I cannot meet, rather than believe that our son just...died." She bangs her fist down on Hiruzen's desk.

"You say that now," says Fugaku quietly. "But would have understood before? I don't think so."

"As much as I hate to admit it," sighs Arashi. "You are right. We would have been angry beyond reason. But isn't there a way we can raise our grandson without jeopardizing his safety?" he asks earnestly.

"Not that I can think of," sighs Hiruzen. "I suppose you could live in the Leaf and be close to him."

"Actually…" Fugaku says, tentatively. "There might be a way."

All three of the other people in the room turn to stare at him.

"What?" asks Hiruzen, hoping that Fugaku really did come up with a solution to the problem.

"Well, the word on the street it that the Fourth Hokage's long lost parents turned up out of the blue," begins Fugaku. "Would it really surprise anyone if they, say, took in the jinchuuriki that the Fourth created to save the village in honour of his memory? And would it seem odd if the Fourth's parents also took in the jinchuuriki's self-proclaimed older brother?"

"Go on," says Hiruzen.

"So in this hypothetical situation," continues Fugaku. "Would it surprise anyone at all if the Third Hokage were to gift the Fourth's old home to his long lost parents? Of course, people would be curious as to how Minato's parents didn't know where he was for so long, so why not tell them the truth? They isolated themselves from the world because they thought he was dead. But now they've found out he was not, except, oh no! He is dead. But he left behind the jinchuuriki he created to save the village he loved. So why not continue where the Fourth left off and watch over the jinchuuriki?"

"Oh, you are a genius," says Arashi. "And so long as Lord Third is willing that situation will not stay hypothetical. But's what's this about a self-proclaimed older brother?"

"You will meet him soon enough," says Fugaku. "Afterall, I did send Naruto and the Shinigami to fetch him."

"Yeah, about that shinigami…"

"Don't ask. Trust me: just roll with it."

"Wassap, mortals!" the shinigami flies in the window with Iruka under one arm and Naruto under the other. "I'm back!"

"Joe, put me down before I dismiss you!" snaps Iruka.

"His name is Joe?" Kazama sound very confused.

"Damn straight," grins the shinigami. "I'm Joe." He lets Naruto go and the boy floats up to the ceiling. Then he dumps Iruka on Hiruzen's desk.

"Iruka, that jacket does not belong to you," says Hiruzen.

"I know," Iruka grins. "Technically it belongs to Naruto."

"Yeah, and brothers share clothes all the time!" adds Naruto, from his position on the ceiling. A phoenix the size of a cat flies in the window and perches on Iruka's head. "Hi Sparky!" Naruto calls down to the bird. Then he adds, for the benefit of his grandparents, "Sparky is my pet phoenix. He can't fly as fast as Joe."

"I _am_ the fastest shinigami," boasts Joe.

"Really?" says Hiruzen patronizingly. "Well Mr. Fastest Shinigami, you nearly caused an international incident."

"I'm a god of death," shrugs Joe. "I cause international incidents for fun sometimes. Like that time I stopped Dave from killing-" he claps his hands over his mouth. "Oopsie, that's so secret even _I_ would never reveal it!"

"What?" asks Iruka. "What secret? Who did you save?"

"Not telling!" says Joe and vanishes.

"Huh, he dismissed himself," says Iruka. "They never dismiss themselves."

"Wait, they can dismiss themselves?" asks Naruto. "You mean I freaked out for no reason?"

"On the contrary," says Iruka. "Shinigami almost never dismiss themselves. They will stay until you force them to leave usually. I wonder who he saved?"

"That is not important right now," says Hiruzen, shooing Iruka off his desk. "What is important is that you, Iruka, and you, Naruto are going to live with Minato's parents from now on." He explains the plan to them, making sure to leave out any mention that Naruto is a jinchuuriki. Even so, he is sure that Iruka reads the subtext. That boy is too sharp for his own good.

"Yay!" Naruto yells, sending himself spinning in circles.

Arashi grabs the leash hanging off Naruto's harness and pulls him down. "So how did you start floating?" he asks, giving Naruto a big hug.

"Yes, I'd like to know that as well," says Kazama, pinching Naruto off her husband and smothering him in kisses.

"I'm teaching Naruto fuuinjutsu," explains Iruka. "He accidentally switched off his personal gravity."

Looking at the newly formed little family, Hiruzen is so happy he could burst.


	22. The Academy Begins

Naruto would have been bouncing up and down with excitement if he wasn't still floating. Instead he is tied to a chair eating breakfast with Grandma and Grandpa and Iruka niisan. Despite the fact that Grandma forcibly brushed his hair this morning, and despite the fact that he misses sharing a room with Iruka niisan (he really wants bunkbeds), Naruto is bursting with happiness.

Today Naruto is wearing his Gamabunta t shirt for the first time. Today, Naruto is going to start at the Academy. He can't wait. The only thing that could have dampened his excitement was the floating. Fortunately, his Grandparents figured out that they could just tie him to his chair. So Naruto is going to the Academy with his friends instead of waiting until he stops floating.

Once breakfast is over, Naruto squirms until Iruka niisan unties him and helps him get his backpack and shoes on. Naruto wraps his mum's scarf around his neck since it is cold outside, and waits for his grandparents. Finally, they come and walk him to the Academy inauguration with Iruka.

Sparky follows them to the Academy, flying beside Naruto, who has his arms out like birds' wings. When they arrive, Naruto scopes out the crowd. He quickly locates Hinata and her parents. Soon after he sees Choji and Shikamaru with their parents. Then Naruto sees the nice police chief arrive with a shy looking girl wearing a blue jacket, white pants and a big blue bow in her hair.

Naruto calls over to the police chief, "Hey, Mr. Policeman!"

The nice police chief sees him and waves, a smile on his face. The little girl next to him glares at Naruto and latches onto the policeman's arm. The nice police man looks down at her in surprise. Naruto thinks that that must be Sasuke. He grins at her, but Sasuke scowls at him and mouths _my Daddy!_

Naruto shrugs and yells, "Hey, Hinata! Over here!" waving like crazy to Hinata.

Hinata runs over, takes the leash from Iruka and drags him off to find Choji and Shikamaru. The four of them stand together in the lineup of Academy entrees. They do not have long to wait before the Hokage introduces the two senseis who will be teaching the new entrants. Naruto has the best view, floating up above the other kids. One of the senseis is a short, stocky man with fluffy black hair, and the second is a tall, graceful woman with short brown hair.

"This is the sensei for class 1A," says the Hokage, motioning to the woman. "Nezumi sensei, if you would read out the names of the children in your class?"

Nezumi sensei starts reading names, among them are Hinata and Choji. Hinata hands Naruto's leash to Shikamaru.

"This is so troublesome," mumbles Shikamaru, taking Naruto's leash. "Why couldn't we all be in the same class?"

"We can still play together during our breaks," says Hinata reassuringly.

"I guess," Naruto says, feeling a bit down. At least he is in the same class as Shikamaru.

"The rest of you are in Washi sensei's class," says the Hokage. "Washi sensei, please read out the names on your roll?"

Washi sensei reads out the names, and sure enough, Naruto and Shikamaru are in his class. The group of children splits up, each following their sensei to their classroom. Shikamaru pulls Naruto along by the leash. Once they are in their classroom, Shikamaru ties Naruto to his seat with the lead and slouches down beside him. This is going to be a long day.

* * *

Hinata and Choji stick together since they don't know anyone else. Nezumi sensei announces that they are going to play an ice breaking game, and Hinata inwardly groans. Whatever an ice breaking game is, it probably does NOT involve actual ice.

It does not. What it does involve is everyone being split into four groups of five and one group of six. Once the groups are spread around the room, Nezumi sensei hands out a floor puzzle to each group and tells them that each group has to put their puzzle together and find something they all have in common while they do so. Hinata thinks that sounds stupid. Why couldn't they just play tag or something? Hinata finds herself in the group of six. There are three other girls and two boys. They quickly get to making their giant ten piece puzzle, and soon discover they all LOVE ice cream.

* * *

Choji feels a little lost in his group, until the boy with the dog hat asks him what his favourite flavour of chips is. It turns out Choji and Kiba have the same favourite chip flavour as everyone else in their group except the blonde girl called Ino, who doesn't really like chips. Choji says that's fine, she doesn't have to like the same food as everyone else - after all there wouldn't be so many different kinds of food if everyone liked the same thing. Kiba just laughs and his puppy starts barking.

It is a while before they discover they all have the same favourite movie.

* * *

Sasuke Uchiha is the only girl in her group. How did that happen? The quiet boy named Shino seems nice, but two of the others are bullying the pink haired boy called Madoka Haruno.

"You have girly hair!" one boy is saying. "And your forehead is the size of a house! You're so ugly you make my grandma look pretty and she has a mustache!"

Madoka is crying now, trying to cover his cherry blossom coloured hair with his hands.

Filled with sudden burst of boldness, Sasuke blurts out, "Leave him alone or I'll punch you in the face!" then she blushes and tries to hide behind Shino.

Shino adjusts his sunglasses and says, "My grandma has a mustache too."

Madoka's hair and forehead forgotten, the group soon discovers that they all have a close relative with a mustache. Sasuke does not like seeing other kids cry, which is really the only reason she stood up for Madoka. But now Madoka keeps staring at Sasuke, and Sasuke is starting to wish she had kept her mouth shut.

* * *

Washi sensei smiles around at the class. "Now that everyone is settled in, let's all get to know each other," he says. "I would like each of you to stand up and tell the class your name and three things about yourself. Let's start with you." He points to a boy sitting in the front row.

The boy stands up. "My name is Sai," he says, smiling. "I like to draw and I am from Root. I think you are funny looking."

"Okaay," Washi sensei sounds a bit put out. "Next kid. You sitting next to him."

The pale haired boy sitting next to Sai stand up. "My name is Shin," he says seriously. "I am also from Root. I am Sai's brother. I could easily kill you in your sleep." He smiles cheerfully and sits back down.

"Ummm…" Washi looks mildly horrified. "I am so glad only half of you Root kids are in my class. Anyway...moving on!"

"How about you with the blonde hair?" he asks, pointing directly at Naruto.

"Um…" Naruto blushes. "I can't stand up, I'm tied to my chair."

Washi sensei facepalms. "Then untie yourself."

Giggling, Naruto undoes Shikamaru's knots. A soon as the leash is untied, Naruto floats up to the ceiling.

The whole class stares at him.

Washi sensei makes a noise that sounds like a cross between a sigh and a growl.

Sparky flies up and sits on Naruto's foot.

Naruto grins down at everyone. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki, dattebayo! I love ramen, and this is my pet Sparky! Oh, and I accidently turned off my personal gravity, so now I float."

"Excuse me for a moment," says Washi sensei and goes out of the classroom. A few moments later, they hear the sound of muffled screaming.

* * *

Much later, while Hinata's class is practicing their hiragana together, the boy sitting directly behind Hinata leans forward and whispers, "Hey, Freaky-Eyes, why are you hanging out with Fatty?"

Hinata feels an ice cold river of anger run through her. Turning around to look the boy directly in the eye, Hinata activates her byakugan and says, "You can make fun of me, but NO ONE makes fun of my friends."

"Oh, yeah?" the kid sniggers. "You're just a girl, and everyone knows girls only come to the ninja academy because that's where all the cool boys are. I bet you don't even know what a kunai is."

Hinata grabs the front of the boy's shirt and pulls him onto her desk. Then she whips out a kunai and points it straight at the boys groin. Smiling very, very sweetly, Hinata says, "I think this is a kunai, but it's hard to tell. I guess we'll know if it can cut you."

"Woah!" Nezumi sensei pulls Hinata and the boy apart. "What's going on here?"

"I thought he wanted to cross kunai," says Hinata sweetly. "I guess I got mine out faster."

"This is not the time or place for fighting," says Nezumi sensei. "There will be plenty of opportunities to fight when we have sparring practice."

Hinata smiles at the boy and says, "I look forward to it."

The boy starts crying and runs out of the classroom. "I want my mummy!" he screams. "I'm not coming back here, you're all crazy!"

Hinata smiles. "My work here is done," she says, dusting off her hands.


	23. Adults Know Best

Naruto is thoroughly fed up with having to sleep on the ceiling. Wrapped in his fuuton, seven feet off the ground, Naruto tries to sleep. Unfortunately, Naruto's head is too full of his first day at the Academy to sleep. Naruto had a miserable first day. It was fun at first, what with Washi sensei's reaction to his floating. However, sitting still studying for hours got boring fast.

Naruto misses learning with Iruka niisan. He also misses sharing a room with Iruka Niisan. Back in the old days, if Naruto wanted to talk, Iruka was right there. Now, he actually has to go looking for him. Naruto does not want to complain about his grandparents - they are the only blood family he has - but it almost seems like they are trying to separate him from Iruka niisan.

Naruto lays awake until he hears his grandparents go to bed. Then he carefully makes his way to Iruka niisan's room. Travelling by ceiling is an art Naruto has put many hours of practice into perfecting. Iruka niisan is drifting off to sleep when Naruto ceiling-crawls into his room. "Psst! Iruka niisan!" Naruto whispers.

Iruka wakes up properly. "What's up?" he whispers.

"Can I sleep in your room tonight?" Naruto asks.

"Of course," whispers Iruka, and pulls Naruto down from the ceiling. "Now, what's really bothering you?"

"I don't like school," whispers Naruto. "It's boring and the other kids were mean to me and Choji. Can't I go back to learning at home with you teaching me?"

"No, Naruto," says Iruka niisan. "You can only be a ninja if you go to the Academy. But I will still teach you, and I can help you with the Academy stuff you don't understand."

"Okay," Naruto droops. Then he asks, "When can I start level two fuuinjutsu?"

"When you pass the level two test you can start level two fuuinjutsu," replies Iruka niisan.

"What's the test?" asks Naruto, curious.

"The test is to deliberately summon a shinigami and successfully dismiss it without anyone having their souls stolen." Iruka niisan explains.

Naruto stares at him in horror. "That sounds like it should be a grown up test!"

Iruka smiles. "The grown up test, as you put it, is making the shinigami do something for you without it taking your soul as payment."

"Oh," Naruto thinks about this for a minute. "Do you know anyone who failed that test?"

"Um, your dad failed that test," admits Iruka niisan. "He summoned a shinigami to help him deal with the nine tails, but it took his soul as payment."

"What was that shinigami's name?" asks Naruto.

"His name was Steve," Iruka niisan says.

"Oh, he sounds nice," says Naruto. "How come we can't share a bedroom anymore?"

"Because, according to your grandparents, I'm too old to share a room with a six year old." Seeing the expression on Naruto's face, Iruka niisan says, "You'll get used to it. Besides, I'm just across the hall."

"Okay," agrees Naruto, and yawns. Then he curls up and goes to sleep.

* * *

Okami Uzumaki wonders how it is possible that she could have ended up as a slave to the Hidden Grass in everything but name. She was once a proud Uzumaki, capable of summoning shinigami at will. But now, here she is living in the Hidden Grass, being forced to treat all their sick and wounded with a power that was once as feared and respected as those born with it.

However, Okami cannot leave the Hidden Grass. Where would she go? And would her daughter handle the trip? But now, walking home in the snow, freezing cold and light headed, Okami is seriously considering leaving. If only there was someone she could turn to for help…

Hold on. She can summon shinigami. And one of them is VERY helpful. Right then and there, Okami draws a seal and summons Joe the Shinigami.

"Okami!" grins Joe. "Long time no see! What's up?"

"I need to leave the Hidden Grass," Okami says, getting right down to business. "Where do you think I should go?"

"The Hidden Leaf, duh," says Joe. "You can get free citizenship there. Why aren't you already living in the Leaf, anyway?"

"How can I get free citizenship in the Leaf?" asks Okami.

"Hmm, let me think," says Joe. "It could be the fact the the First Hokage's wife was an Uzumaki! Honestly, who neglected your education?"

"Oh, duh!" Okami facepalms, feeling like such an idiot. "I am an idiot to forget something so important!"

"Good, now that I've helped you see the obvious, can I go?"

"Wait, you actually want to go?" Okami is surprised.

"Yeah, I kinda goofed and now I'm stuck avoiding the last Umino and his side kick."

"There is an Umino left?" Okami asks, surprised. "Where is he?"

"Hidden Leaf. When you meet him, tell him Joe sent ya. Bye!" and Joe vanishes.

Stunned, Okami goes home and tells her daughter, "A shinigami told me we can get citizenship in the Hidden Leaf. Pack your s##t, Karin. We are leaving in the morning."

* * *

When morning comes, Okami takes her daughter and heads off into the snow. Woe upon he who tries to stop them from leaving. Well speak of the devil, here come some candidates to have woe reigned down upon them.

"Where do you think you're going?" demands the hospital lackey who came to see why she did not arrive at the appointed time.

"To the Hidden Leaf," says Okami firmly.

"Is that so?" says the lackey, amused. "And what makes you think you will be welcome there?"

"Uzumakis have automatic citizenship in the Hidden Leaf," says Okami, pushing Karin behind her. This could get ugly.

"Don't come come crying to us if they turn you away," sneers the lackey, and saunters away.

Relieved, Okami takes Karin's hand and pulls her along, almost running, until they are out of sight of the village.

* * *

"But can't I do it later?" Naruto whines as his grandma ties him to a kitchen chair so he can do his homework.

"No, you must do it now," says Grandma.

"But I wanna study fuuinjutsu now!" whines Naruto.

"You can study fuuinjutsu once your homework's done," says Grandma.

"Fine," grumbles Naruto. He just isn't in the mood for homework.

"Why don't you let him study fuuinjutsu?" asks Iruka niisan. "I can guarantee he won't be able to focus on his homework."

"If he can focus on fuuinjutsu he can focus on his homework," says Grandma with an air of finality.

"I don't think so," says Iruka niisan, shaking his head. "Don't forget: I've known Naruto longer than you and let me just say; if Naruto doesn't want to do something the thing does not get done."

"You must have spoiled him a great deal," says Grandma, frowning.

"I didn't spoil him at all," says Iruka niisan. "He just finds it hard to focus on things he does not want to do."

"Just like every other child," nods Grandma. "And just like every other child he must learn to do what he is told."

Naruto looks from his grandma to his bro and back again nervously. Iruka niisan's chakra is all fired up. Then Iruka niisan calms his chakra and sighs. "I guess adults know best," he says and turns to leave the room.

Once Iruka niisan is gone, Naruto finds it even harder to concentrate on his homework. Why had Iruka niisan's chakra got so fired up?

* * *

Okami and Karin stare around at their new home. It is a small cottage at the edge of town, close to the Uchiha district. There are two bedrooms, a kitchen, a bathroom and a washhouse. Even so, it is bigger than their last house.

"Which room is mine?" asks Karin.

"Take your pick," says Okami absentmindedly. The man at the immigration office had told her that there is an open spot in one of the first year Academy classes. Apparently, a boy got beat up by a girl and ran home crying for his mummy on the first day. Okami thinks that maybe she should enrol Karin in the Academy. It would be good for Karin to meet other children - they were both rather isolated while in the Hidden Grass.

"I want this one!" Karin calls from inside one of the bedrooms.

"Okay," Okami calls back. "How would you like to go to school?"

Karin emerges from her newly claimed bedroom and says, "You mean with actual other kids? Not just learning fuuinjutsu at home?"

"Yes, an actual school with actual other kids," grins Okami. "I'll see if i can enrol you in the shinobi academy if you want."

"Yes!" Karin squeals, clapping her hands in excitement.


	24. Family Ties

Three weeks after school starts, Madoka's class gets new student. Madoka is not overly interested in the new girl. The girl, who has short, red hair is standing beside Nezumi sensei staring at the class nervously.

"Alright class," says Nezumi sensei. "listen carefully while your new classmate introduces herself."

The new girl adjusts her glasses and says, "My name is Karin Uzumaki. My mother and I left the Hidden Grass and came to live in the Hidden Leaf because a shinigami told my mother the Leaf is miles better than the Grass. I am studying fuuinjutsu and medical ninjutsu because I want to be a medical ninja like my mother."

At least she made a good impression on the class, Madoka thinks absentmindedly.

"Oh, so you want to be a medical ninja?" crows Nezumi sensei. "We don't get too many who want to learn medical ninjutsu." She beams around at the class. "Does anyone else want to learn medical ninjutsu?"

"I do," says Madoka, not really paying much attention to what he is saying.

"Oh, Madoka, that's great!" beams Nezumi sensei. "We don't get too many boys learning medical ninjutsu."

"That's because medical ninjutsu's a girl's thing," scoffs the boy who keeps making fun of Madoka's pink hair. "Everyone knows that's all girls are good for. They're too weak to fight."

"You are staying in at lunchtime today," snaps Nezumi sensei. "You need to think about what you've said."

"That's what my dad says," says the boy defensively. "And my dad's always right."

"If you like I can spar with him and show him how well girls can fight," volunteers the Hyuuga girl, with a sweet smile on her face.

"Nah, I'll do my detention," says the boy, pretending he isn't terrified.

"So," says Nezumi sensei. "Who else wants to learn medical ninjutsu? Perhaps you could form a study group, or if there's enough of you we could have a special class."

"I'd like to learn medical ninjutsu," says a girl with short, blonde hair. Madoka isn't sure, but he thinks the girl's name is Ino.

"So would I," adds another girl, whose name Madoka does not know.

"Well, it looks like we might have enough for a medical ninjutsu class after all," smiles Nezumi sensei. "I'll see if there are any children in Washi's class who would like to join such a class."

* * *

The new girl ends up sitting in the seat directly in front of Hinata, next to the boy with pink hair. As soon as she is sure Nezumi sensei won't notice, Hinata leans forward and whispers, "Hey, new girl!"

"Huh?" the girl turns around, a surprised look on her face.

"Meet me after class, I've got something to tell you!" Hinata whispers and goes back to her schoolwork.

After class is finished and break time arrives, Hinata hangs around waiting for the new girl to talk to her. To her surprise, Ino and Pink Hair have already befriended the new girl and both follow her to meet Hinata.

"So what did you want to tell me?" the new girl asks Hinata.

"Only that there is another Uzumaki living in Konoha," says Hinata grinning. "So you call tell your posse to stand down."

"There are people from my clan left?" asks the new girl, her eye's wide.

"Yeah, at least, that's what Joe says," shrugs Hinata.

"Who's Joe?" asks the new girl.

"Someone obviously hasn't started practicing for her level two test," mutters Hinata.

"Level two test?" the new girl looks confused.

"You did say you were studying fuuinjutsu?"

"Well yeah, but I don't know anyone called Joe."

"You will." Hinata nods seriously. "Now, do you want to meet another Uzumaki?"

* * *

Naruto and Shikamaru are waiting for Choji and Hinata in their usual spot. Choji arrives pretty quickly and tells them Hinata stayed behind to talk to the new girl. Soon after, Hinata comes running from her classroom followed by a blonde girl, a red haired girl with glasses and a boy with pink hair.

"Hey Naruto!" Hinata yells. "This girl is an Uzumaki!"

"Really?" Naruto is so excited he sets himself spinning and ends up getting tangled in the branches of a nearby tree.

"Why are you floating?" asks the red haired girl.

"Because I didn't listen to Iruka niisan when he said 'don't ever write seals on your own body'," explains Naruto. "And now I'm stuck floating until I figure out how to deactivate the seal."

"Can I have a look at the seal?" asks the red haired girl. "I'm learning fuuinjutsu too."

"Really?" Then he realizes something. "Hey, you're the one that's an Uzumaki! Hinata really wasn't clear about that, dattebayo."

"I was pointing at her!" argues Hinata.

"Troublesome," mutters Shikamaru.

Hinata pulls Naruto down to the ground and tethers him to the tree.

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki," says Naruto to Karin. "What's your name?"

"Karin Uzumaki," says Karin. "Where's that seal?"

"It's here, on my arm," says Naruto, pulling up his sleeve to show Karin the seal.

Karin examines the seal for a few minutes. Then she pulls out a piece of paper and a pen and starts to copy the seal. Unfortunately, she makes a mistake, and just as Naruto tries to tell her, Karin activates the seal.

"Wassup, kiddies!" says Joe, as he appears in a whirl of awesomeness.

"Yo Joe!" grins Naruto.

"What are you?" asks the boy with pink hair. "I've never seen someone like you before."

"I'm Joe," says Joe. "That's all you need to know, little non-Uzumaki."

"You see, Karin?" says Hinata. "I told you you would meet Joe some day."

Joe peers at Karin. "OOOH! A new one! It's been so long since little Uzumakis have learned fuuinjutsu and now we get two at once! The last one I remember is-" he claps his hands over his mouth and blushes. "I really need to stop nearly letting secrets slip. Bye!" he vanishes.

"Wow," says Naruto. "Usually you have to force him to leave. I wonder what he nearly let slip?"

* * *

At the end of the school day, Naruto floats around waiting to meet Karin's mum. He can't believe there are two actual Uzumakis living in the Hidden Leaf. Well, two Uzumakis that aren't him anyway. After what seems like an age to the impatient Naruto and the fidgety Karin, Karin's mum finally turns up.

"Who's this?" she asks Karin, peering curiously at Naruto, who accidently sent himself spinning again.

Hinata, Choji and Shikamaru all had to leave already, so Karin is holding Naruto's leash. Karin tugs the leash to stop Naruto from spinning and says, "This is Naruto Uzumaki."

"I don't remember meeting any blonde Uzumakis before," smiles Karin's mum, amused.

"Well it's not my fault I didn't inherit the Uzumaki hair," grumbles Naruto. "I would've looked so cool with red hair, 'ttebayo."

Karin's mum laughs. "I take it you are learning fuuinjutsu?" she asks.

"Yeah," Naruto scratches the back of his head in embarrassment. "I broke all the rules and now I float." then he remembers something. "Karin tried to copy the seal on a piece of paper, but she made a mistake and summoned Joe."

"Oh!" Karin's mum gasps in happiness and hugs Karin proudly. "You finally summoned Joe! Now I can tell you about the level two test!"

"What's the big deal about Joe?" demands Karin. "Who is Joe?"

"Joe is a shinigami," says Naruto. "He's awesome."

"Whaaaaaa…?!" Karin is so shocked she lets go of Naruto's leash.

"Don't let me float away!" screams Naruto frantically, trying to shut off the seal.

Karin and her mother both scramble to catch Naruto, but they are beaten to it when Iruka niisan appears and plucks Naruto out of the sky.

"That is quite possibly the most badass thing I've seen in a long time," says Karin's mother. "You wouldn't happen to be related to Ikkaku Umino, would you?"

"I'm his son," says Iruka, letting go of Naruto and tying the leash to his belt. "My name is Iruka Umino."

"Oh my gosh, little Iruka!" Karin's mum put a hand over her mouth. "You were just a baby last time I saw you!"

"Do I know you?" asks Iruka, frowning.

"I'm Okami Uzumaki, your father taught me fuuinjutsu," replies Karin's mum. Then she gasps. "Joe referred to you as the last Umino, does that mean…"

"Yeah. I'm the last one."

"If only I had come to the Leaf sooner!"

"Well you're here now," says Iruka niisan firmly. "So there's no point dwelling on what might have been."


	25. Words are Said

The days pass quickly. Naruto gets up, goes to the Academy, stares out the window or reads his fuuinjutsu books, hangs around with his friends, goes home, does his homework and postpones going to bed for as long as he can. The days would have been boring except that whenever Naruto feels really bored he tries to turn off the anti-gravity seal. He hasn't had any luck. Every day he has to do exercises to keep his muscles strong, which he always does with Iruka niisan. Some days, that is the only time he gets to spend with Iruka niisan.

Iruka niisan is gone a lot, doing missions, but when he is not, it almost seems like the less time Naruto spends with Iruka, the happier Grandma is. Grandpa is a lot more relaxed, and thinks Naruto should spend more time playing and doing the things he wants to do, instead of studying from morning til night.

As the weather warms up, Grandpa starts taking Naruto out to the park to play football or to the river to go fishing. When Iruka niisan is not on a mission, Grandpa invites him to come along. Sometimes Grandma comes, but never when Iruka niisan is there.

At school, Naruto's friends are still limited to Shikamaru, Hinata and Choji. Karin is friendly, but she has her own friends in a girl named Ino and the pink haired boy. Naruto struggles at the Academy. Some days it seems like Washi sensei is speaking a different language. Shikamaru and Hinata try to help him as much as they can, as does Iruka niisan. However, the more Grandma makes Naruto study while he isn't in the mood, the harder it becomes to learn when he is in the mood. Sometimes Iruka niisan suggests that Naruto should take a break from studying, but Grandma always refuses.

At one point, Grandma tries tying weights to Naruto's legs to stop him from floating. Unfortunately, the weights also become weightless and Naruto floats back up the ceiling. They don't try that again.

And so the year passes; Iruka niisan's birthday comes and goes - he is now 17. Naruto's fuuinjutsu does not progress very much - he seems to have hit a wall, mostly because for some reason, Grandma does not like him studying fuuinjutsu unless he is trying to turn off his anti-gravity seal.

Naruto learns a lot about manners from his grandparents, but nothing about ninjas. They are not shinobi, and sometimes they do not understand why he must practice throwing kunai and shuriken. Naruto gets them to read his history books instead of story books, something that puzzles them both until they learn that the Whirlpool history book is one of the few links to his mother that he has.

* * *

One evening, late in June, Naruto is floating up on the lounge ceiling examining his gravity seal to see if he can spot anything that will help him control it. Below him, Arashi, Kazama and Iruka are sitting watching TV. Iruka returned from a mission that day and is tired, Naruto just got home from school and Kazama is knitting a jersey. All seems calm, but Arashi is waiting for something to go wrong. Tensions have been higher than normal lately and someone is going to snap soon. And by someone he means either Kazama or Iruka - those two are so tense they would make a bowstring look loose.

"Naruto," says Kazama, looking up at the boy. "Shouldn't you be doing your homework?"

"I'm studying the gravity seal," protests Naruto.

"Leave him be," says Arashi. "It's Friday night; he has all weekend to do his homework. Maybe he'll actually figure that seal out."

"There will be plenty of time for that over the weekend if he gets his homework done now," says Kazama firmly. "Besides, if Naruto was any good at fuuinjutsu, surely he would have worked that seal out by now." She turns and looks directly at Iruka. "Why hasn't he made an progress with that thing, anyway?"

Arashi feels a strange force coming from Iruka.

Iruka glares straight at Kazama and snaps, "Naruto turned off his personal gravity: that is not a sign of ineptitude, but of budding genius! In all of history no other child has ever turned off their personal gravity. There is no precedent for this, if there was don't you think I would be teaching him to control that seal?"

"YOUR so called teaching must be sorely lacking for this situation to have arisen in the first place!"

"MY teaching is lacking?" seeths Iruka. "I was raised to train this child." He Points up at Naruto. "I was trained to listen to my pupil and respond by teaching him what he wants to learn, and to find ways to convince him to learn the things he is less than enthusiastic about. But you," he stands up and takes a step towards Kazama, who rises and looks him in the eye. "You tell him 'do this, do that' without ever considering what he needs. Naruto is an Uzumaki. The Uzumaki clan learns so differently from everyone else, even my clan, that we had to develop an education system designed around the Uzumaki. I was trained to teach using this system, but you know nothing."

Kazama slaps Iruka across the face. "Insolent brat! I am old enough to be your mother and you dare speak to me like this? How can you, a mere BOY, teach another child? You have no life experience whatsoever!"

"I was nearly assassinated for taking in Naruto!" Iruka shouts, the energy coming from him is stifling in its intensity. "You might be his blood family, but no one tried to kill you for being connected to him. You know nothing about the ninja world, but I was raised in it, shaped by it and I know how it works. And let me tell you: I would die to protect Naruto. Could you do the same?"

Arashi stands up quietly, pulls Naruto down from the ceiling and takes him out of the room.

"I've never felt killing intent from Iruka niisan before," whispers Naruto, who looks absolutely traumatized.

Killing intent? Arashi realizes that is the force he can feel. And if he, a non shinobi, can feel it this badly, how much worse is it for Naruto?

"Don't doubt my love for my grandson!" Kazama's voice carries clearly to Arashi and Naruto.

"It's not your love I'm doubting!" Iruka's counter is filled with as much venom as it is anger. "It's your capacity to do what needs to be done rather than what you think should be!"

This argument is starting to get ridiculous, Arashi thinks. But they have both been storing all this up for a long time, and it needs to come out. He just wishes Naruto did not have to be witness to it. "It's alright, Naruto," he whispers to the shaking child. "None of this is your fault. They just need to work out their differences."

Kazama's voice carries through the walls as she continues her argument with Iruka. "Why couldn't you just keep your head down and leave the raising of my grandson to me? Why do you have to interfere in his upbringing?"

"Me interfere?" Iruka's reply sounds hurt as well as angry. "I was here first! I took him in off the street! I was bringing him up fine until you came along and started lording it over us without even knowing the first thing about our clans or their traditions! And you didn't even bother to learn! Have you even asked Naruto what his life was like before you came into it? Why can't you accept you aren't the only one who is important to him? Why do you insist on pushing me away from Naruto? And don't pretend you're not, we all know you are! Even Naruto can see that, but he doesn't say anything - he never says anything! When his head is hurting from trying to force himself to study because that is what you want, he keeps quiet so he won't upset you. When he wants to talk to you about something - anything - he keeps quiet because he is afraid you won't think it's important enough to listen. Why can't you see that? He lived the first five years of his life trying, struggling to be accepted - if you don't make it clear you care about him, he will never know."

Then silence falls, the kind of complete silence that follows a raging storm, where everything seems surreal. A second later, Iruka runs past and disappears outside. Kazama appears a moment later and stops short when she sees Naruto, who is white-faced and shaking like a leaf in Arashi's arms.

"I hope you're happy now," says Arashi. "That boy is the only one who really understands Naruto, and now he's gone right when we need him. Look what your argument has done."

"Why didn't you stop him?" demands Kazama, taking Naruto and holding him close.

"From leaving or from yelling at you?"

"Both!"

"Because he was right, and because he needs time to calm down, and so do you. He will be back. So long as Naruto is here he will always be back."

"Naruto?" Kazama says gently, turning her attention to the boy. "You know I love you, right?"

Naruto looks up at her with huge, teary eyes and nods. Then he asks, "Why do you hate Iruka niisan? If it weren't for him, you wouldn't even know I exist."

"I know," she sighs. "but sometimes I forget that he's your family too. And sometimes I get jealous of how close you two are."

"I've never seen Iruka niisan get mad before," admits Naruto. "He gets annoyed, and sometimes he yells at me, but he's never gotten mad like that. Why did you have to make fun of his teaching? I learn stuff best when he teaches it to me."

"I know," says Kazama. "I just ignored it I guess. I promise I'll let Iruka supervise your homework from now on."

"Okay," says Naruto, and finally relaxes in his grandmother's arms. Exhausted, he falls asleep.

Kazama takes a deep breath.

"Now that you've made those promises to Naruto," says Arashi quietly. "Are you going to carry through with them?"

"Yes," says Kazama stiffly. "But only to avoid another situation like this. Besides, my way wasn't working so we might as well try that boy's way. When it does not work, we go back to my way and he will have to admit I'm right."

"Kazama are you really going to hold a grudge against Iruka? You just admitted that you are jealous of him, so why continue to hate him instead of doing something about it?"

"There is more to it than that," says Kazama proudly. "Until that boy apologizes to me for his insolence there is no way I can forgive him."

"That may be so," sighs Arashi. "But shouldn't you be apologising to him for a few things as well?"

"This conversation is over," snaps Kazama, and turns and walks away, probably to put Naruto to bed.


	26. The Land of Whirling Tides

Iruka runs through the village, afraid of what he just did. Only one thought runs through his mind: he needs to get out of the village for a while. This thought carries him the the Hokage tower and into the Hokage's office. He bursts in, forgetting about protocol. "Lord Hokage, I need a mission: I don't care what it is, just so long as I can leave now."

The Hokage looks up from his paperwork and says, "Ah, Iruka. I was about to send for you. Something has come up that you are needed for right away. I will brief you once I have assembled the rest of your team."

"My team?" asks Iruka, his mind refusing to comprehend what the Hokage means.

"Yes, your team. You will be leading this mission."

* * *

About half an hour later, Iruka's team is assembled in the Hokage's office. The team consists of Might Gai, Hana Inuzuka and Itachi Uchiha. The Hokage peers at them, as if to assure himself they are the ones for the job. "Listen carefully," he says. "This mission is important. About an hour ago, word came in from one of my spies that a scavenger is going around telling everyone that there is a heavily guarded treasure hidden in the ruins of the Hidden Whirlpool. He reported trying to enter a room with an ornate scroll on a pedestal at its center. However, when he tried to go in and get the scroll, a wall of fire appeared to bar his way. I need the four of you to retrieve that scroll before another village gets their hands on it."

"Why us?" asks Itachi. "Aren't there more experienced Shinobi you could send?"

"Maybe," says the Hokage. "But since this is Whirlpool business I need to send Iruka - he is probably the only one alive who could get past that barrier."

Iruka realizes at that moment that the Hokage does not know about Okami and Karin. They must be deliberately keeping out of his way. Iruka decides to talk to them at a later date and figure out why they haven't spoken with the Hokage yet.

"But what about the rest of us?" Itachi is asking.

"Well," says the Hokage. "If you must know: I am sending you, Itachi, because your Sharingan can pick up any genjutsu and I have a feeling that you will be needed. I am sending you, Gai, because there are traps in the ruins of the Whirlpool that stop people from being able to use ninjutsu, and such a trap would not affect you at all. I am sending you, Hana, because you can act as both tracker and field medic. Does anyone have any other questions?"

"No," says Hana.

"Our Youth will prevail!" says Gai enthusiastically.

"Can we leave now?" asks Iruka.

"Yes you may," says the Hokage. "Good luck."

* * *

Iruka and his team arrive at the border of the Land of Fire several hours after they set out. The ruins of the Hidden WHirlpool lie in an island off the coast of the Land of Fire, and in order to get to it they must cross a treacherous expanse of ocean. The Land of Eddies is well named: the ocean surrounding it is often pockmarked by whirlpools of varying sizes. Even if one was to walk across the water the whirlpools could still suck in the unwary. For this reason it is too dangerous to cross in the dark.

The team makes camp and takes turns keeping lookout for the rest of the night. When morning lights the sky, they set out to cross the treacherous waters to the Hidden Whirlpool. They make slow progress across the ocean, skirting around any whirlpools that appear in their path. After about an hour, they reach the other side. After that they take a short rest to rebuild their chakra before continuing on to the ruins of the Hidden Whirlpool.

As they make their way into the ruins, Iruka and his team hear the sounds of conflict. Shifting into stealth mode, the Leaf Shinobi make their way towards the fighting. Once they are close enough to see what is happening, the Leaf shinobi get a good look at the battle. Shinobi from several different villages are fighting, their ninjutsu flashes up a storm.

"They must all be here for the scroll," whispers Hana. "Are we the last to the party or something?"

"Maybe," whispers Iruka. "It is possible we got the information late. Now listen up: I have a plan. Remember what the Hokage said about the trap seals that disable Ninjutsu?" his team nods and Iruka continues; "There is one literally right next to us. If we set it off, everyone in the ruins will have their ninjutsu and genjutsu disabled. Taijutsu and fuuinjutsu - the main fighting techniques of the Whirlpool - will not be disabled. Then you, Gai will be at a massive advantage to that lot down there. Also, Hana, your hounds will be uninhibited by the trap. And before you ask, Itachi it will block your Sharingan so do not even try to activate it. The seal might make you go blind, depending on who made it - you don't want to take that chance."

Itachi stares at Iruka, a mildly horrified expression on her face.

"Okay, now that we are all on the same page I'll go ahead and leave you to it," says Iruka.

"Am I the only one who is confused?" asks Gai.

"What is there to be confused about?" asks Iruka. "I am going to set off that seal, you are going to beat the crap out of those shinobi and these two are going to back you up."

"What are you going to do?" asks Hana sounding annoyed.

"Oh that," Iruka shrugs. "I'm going to sneak past the fighting and retrieve the scroll from the Temple of Joe."

"The Temple of Joe?" asks Itachi, frowning.

"Yes, that's where the scroll we are here for is kept."

"Why is it called 'The Temple of Joe'?" asks Hana.

"Because 'The Secret Vault' sounded lame, so we called it 'The Temple of Joe' instead. Keep up."

"Who's Joe?"

"Joe is a shinigami," says Iruka, impatiently. "Now can you save the questions for later, when we actually have the scroll?"

"Fine, but you better actually answer them," snaps Hana.

"Good, then let's get this show on the road." Iruka creeps over to the seal trap and sets it off. A shockwave accompanied by white light shoots out of the seal, covering the ruins in an instant. While his team is still recovering from the blinding light, Iruka, who fully expected it, makes a dash for the Temple of Joe. Before the light clears, Iruka is already halfway there.

Moving quickly, Iruka makes his way through the ruins to the Temple of Joe. It is not hard to miss, especially since it is now surrounded by a wall of six foot high flames. The flames do not hurt the temple, but they will quickly burn away anyone without Uzumaki or Umino blood in their veins. Naturally, Iruka walks right on through without any problems. The temple is a circular building, with red and grey pillars on either side of the door. Above the door, perfectly centred between the pillars, is the carved face of Joe the Shinigami.

Iruka walks up to the door and pushes it open. It moves slowly, stiff from disuse. As soon as he is inside, Iruka releases the door and it swings closed with a thud. Iruka gazes at the inside of the Temple, certain it will be a long time before he is here again. The walls are lined with shelving, on which is stored the records and jutsu of an entire village. Every jutsu ever invented in the Whirlpool, be it ninjutsu, genjutsu, taijutsu or fuuinjutsu, is recorded and stored in the Temple of Joe. In the center of the temple's one room is a circular dias. In the center of that dias is a pedestal upon which rests the most sacred scroll in the archive.

What is actually in that scroll has long been forgotten. No one has opened it since the days of the First Hokage. The Sacred Scroll of the Hidden Whirlpool is red and resides in a protective cylinder made of refined steel. The symbols of clans Umino and Uzumaki are engraved on the case, side by side. At the top of the cylinder is a silver cord, long enough to tie around a person's neck. Legend has it that the person who made the scroll wore it as a necklace.

But Iruka's look around the room is cut short when his eyes fall on a red haired person standing between him and the scroll. The person was about to take the scroll when he arrived, and is slowly turning to face him. But there is no doubt whatsoever as to who this person is. Iruka would know that chakra from a mile away.

It is none other than Mei Terumi.

* * *

High above the Village Hidden in the Rain, in a tall narrow building a man in a black cloak adorned with red and white clouds stares out the window at the village below. Behind him, sitting quietly reading a novel entitled 'Tales of a Gutsy Ninja', is another man wearing the same black cloak with red and white clouds.

"Yahiko, one of our scouts is returning," says the man who is reading.

"Good," replies his companion, Yahiko. "Which one?"

"I think it's Wind," the other man replies.

A few seconds later, Wind appears on the windowsill. "Yahiko, Nagato," she greets them.

"How'd your intel gathering in the Leaf go?" asks Yahiko solemnly.

"Our informant was very helpful," reports Wind. "It seems the two Uzumakis that came from the Grass are doing an excellent job of keeping their presence a secret from the Hokage. Our informant thinks they have some sort of special power that they feel the need to keep hidden. I've asked him to find out what it is. He is very good at finding out things. Also, word of the scroll in the Hidden Whirlpool finally reached the Hidden Leaf, and the Hokage dispatched a team straight away."

"Who did he send?" asks Nagato curiously.

"Mighto Gai, Hana Inuzuka, Itachi Uchiha and Iruka Umino," reports Wind.

"That should make things interesting," grins Yahiko. "They might stand the best chance of getting the scroll, but the other teams sent to retrieve the scroll might just surprise them."

"Especially the team we sent," adds Nagato.

"You sent a team?" asks Wind.

"Of course we did. I want that scroll."

"So… can I take my mask off now?" asks Wind.

"Of course you can," says Yahiko.

Sighing in relief, Wind takes off her mask, ceasing to be Wind and becoming who she really is for a while.


	27. In the Temple of Joe

**AN: Because of some problems with the system, the chapter notifications for the last two chapters did not go out. Please ensure you have read all previous chapters or you will be lost.**

* * *

When the blinding light dissipates Iruka is nowhere to be seen. Itachi takes stock of the situation. They are now faced with a potentially five way battle. Four Mist shinobi, a team of Rain ninja, one rogue shinobi from the Sand, one rogue shinobi from the Waterfall and the three of them from the Leaf. If the Mist and Rain team start working together as they have been known to do then things will start to look pretty bad, despite the seal preventing anything except kenjutsu and taijutsu. As unlikely as it is that the two rogue nins will be working together, Itachi decides not to rule that possibility out.

But one thing is certain: all the other shinobi are looking right at Itachi's team. They know who let off the trap seal and they are not happy.

"What are the chances they won't all gang up on us?" whispers Hana.

"The Rain and Mist might," whispers Itachi. "And the two rogues might, but I doubt they will all work together."

"Do you know who the two rogues are?" asks Gai, his voice startlingly quiet for Gai.

"The tall one with the briefcase is Kakuzu of the Hidden Waterfall," whispers Itachi. "The one that looks like a giant turtle is Sasori of the Red Sand. Without their ninjutsu, it is impossible to know what they will do, since both rely heavily on it when fighting."

"So, what do you know about the Mist and Rain teams?" whispers Hana, signalling her dogs to keep out of sight.

"I think I've seen some of them in the Bingo book," whispers Itachi. "But they didn't seem like anything special, so I don't remember much about them."

"So long as they aren't great at Taijutsu, we have a chance," whispers Hana.

"Hey! Leaf Ninjas!" calls Kakuzu. "Do any of you have bounties?"

Hana, Gai and Itachi all exchange glances, shrug to each other, shake their heads and generally agree that none of them have bounties as of yet. Of course, Itachi's ANBU identity is wanted all over, but it would compromise her security to mention that.

"Hey, what about us?" demands one of the Mist ninjas. "I for one have a 500,000 yen bounty!"

"Aw," one of the Rain ninjas droops. "Mine's only 20,000!"

"Pah, is that all?" boasts one of the other Mist ninjas. "Mine's 85 million!"

"They're treating this like a dick measuring contest," Hana whispers to Itachi, who giggles behind her hand.

"You kids are so proud of your pathetic bounties," says Kakuzu. "But since you're all worth something, I'm going to have to collect on those bounties. Are you wanted dead or alive?"

The three wanted ninjas all take steps backwards. They exchange glances and all say, "Alive!"

"Liars," says Itachi. "Twenty thousand is wanted alive, but you two are wanted dead."

"I thought you said you didn't remember much about them," says Gai confused.

"Exactly," nods Itachi. "The only things I remember about them from the Bingo Book are their bounties and whether they are wanted dead or alive." She shrugs. "The important things."

Kakuzu waves his briefcase at Itachi. "You I like. You get to live," he says.

"Somehow that does not make me feel any better," says Itachi, reaching for her katana.

* * *

"Well, well, well," says Mei smiling. "Iruka. Long time no see."

"How did you get in here?" asks Iruka, about two seconds away from freaking out. "Only people with Uzumaki or Umino blood can get in here."

"Oh, I used Uzumaki blood," grins Mei.

"Where did you get it?" asks Iruka suspiciously.

"From the same Uzumaki who put the seal on that envelope I gave you," Mei tells him. "And speaking of which; I don't see you for two years and you go from looking like a twelve year old to...well…" she gives him a rather pointed look.

"What?" snaps Iruka, wondering how she is going to insult him this time.

"You turned into a total hunk."

"Um, what?" Iruka is so taken aback he nearly falls over backwards.

Mei saunters over to Iruka and walks around him, apparently checking him out. Iruka is unnerved by this - she is his enemy after all.

Simultaneously trying to keep his cool and not blush because of Mei's close proximity to him, Iruka asks, "Who sent you here? And Why?"

"My employer wants the scroll," replies Mei, who is still standing behind Iruka. Iruka tenses up, ready for fight or flight, when Mei drapes her arms over his shoulders. "Why are you here?" she whispers, directly into his ear.

Iruka is glad Mei cannot see his face, because he is sure he is turning bright red. "I came for the Sacred Scroll."

"So you do know what it is," Mei says, patting his chest. "Most people are just here for the Whirlpool relic factor." She hums contently and adds thoughtfully, "But then again, you could be considered a Whirlpool relic, eh?"

"Uh, I guess," Iruka is not entirely sure what has gotten into Mei. Usually by now she would have decided it is high time she did some ass kicking and attacked him. So why is she cuddling him?

Mei makes that humming sound again, leans forward and kisses Iruka on the cheek.

"What are you doing?" Iruka asks, turning around and taking a step away from Mei.

Mei grins at him and crosses her arms. The look she is giving him can only be described as 'bedroom eyes'. "Oh, I think you know," she says, taking a step forward and kissing Iruka.

Iruka backs away, even though he wants exactly the same thing she does right now. Instead he says, "I'm underage."

Looking mildly surprised, Mei says, "You're younger than I thought. Your eyes always seemed so much older than your body."

"We're ninjas," says Iruka. "We all have old eyes."

"True that," says Mei. "So how old are you?"

"17," replies Iruka.

"So what I'm hearing is; you'll be 18 before a year is up?" Mei takes a step towards Iruka, getting in very close.

"I'll be 18 in less than a year," confirms Iruka, wondering what the chances are of anyone finding them in the Temple. Quite low, he realizes.

"Less than a year...close enough." Mei kisses Iruka again, this time putting her arms around his waist as well.

Iruka breaks the kiss long enough to say, "Yeah, close enough." But inside he is screaming 'Senpai noticed me!'

* * *

Kakuzu turns on the three shinobi with bounties. The two with higher bounties go down in five seconds. Without her sharingan, Itachi finds it comparatively difficult to keep up with the fight. However, it looks as if Kakuzu simply beat the pair up with his briefcase. Just how powerful is he? And just how heavy is that briefcase? Kakuzu then proceeds to simply throw both shinobi over his shoulder and disappears with them.

In the time it took Kakuzu to grab the two with the higher bounties, Sasori had engaged the one with the lowest bounty, unofficially claiming that one as his.

"We won't need to do much at this rate," says Hana.

"You little kids should go home and let the grown ups handle this," sneers the last remaining Mist ninja. "Our team leader already has the scroll by now, and these rogue ninjas are only here looking for shinobi with bounties. You kids might as well go home."

"Our team leader is also able to get into the temple," says Itachi. "In fact, unless your team leader is of Whirlpool decent, there is no way he is inside."

"She got into the temple, trust me on that," grins the Mist ninja. "There are many left from the Hidden Whirlpool after all."

What does the Mist ninja mean? Itachi wonders. Is his team leader a descendant of the Uzumaki clan?

The Mist ninja launches an attack on the three young Leaf ninjas.

Might Gai leaps into action with a battle cry of "YOUTH!" and roundhouse kicks the Mist ninja into a broken wall, further breaking the wall.

"Think we should join in the fray?" asks Hana.

"Nah, let the boys get dirty," says Itachi. "That Sasori is handling the Rain ninjas and Gai's got the Mist dude totally outmatched." She pauses then asks, "Do you have any popcorn?"

Hana thinks about this and replies, "No. But I do have some dango."

"Can I have some?" asks Itachi, clasping her hands together. "Please?"

"Woah, someone likes dango," grin Hana and pulls out a paper bag with a couple of sticks of dango in it. She hands one to Itachi and the two girls sit on a broken wall, munch their dango and watch the boys fight.

Sasori busts out a metal tail and stabs all of the Rain ninjas except the one with the bounty. That one gets hit hard over the head and knocked unconscious. Judging by the way the other Rain ninjas turned blue and coughed up their insides before their eyes rolled up into their heads and they died, Itachi reasons the tail was poisoned.

Once Gai is finished using the Mist ninja as a projectile to break ruined buildings with, Sasori has carried off his prize to cash it in for 20,000 yen and Itachi and Hana have finished their dango, Gai's punching bag gives up and runs for his life. He is probably going to be the sole survivor out of the Mist and Rain nins who took part in the skirmish.

"I guess now we just wait for Iruka to get back, huh?" says Itachi, feeling content with the dango she just ate.

"Hey, what's this?" asks Hana, uncovering a photograph of a small family. The three Leaf nins crowd around to get a look at the framed picture. Hana wipes some of the dirt off the broken glass. A man with a mustache smiles out at them. Beside him a woman with long dark hair is having her hair pulled by the chubby baby in her arms. "Do you think Iruka will know who they are?"

"Hey maybe that baby is Iruka," suggests Gai.

"Oh, be realistic," says Hana. "What are the chances we were sitting on his old house the whole time?"


	28. Back With a Vengeance

Naruto wakes up and is instantly alert. There is only one thing on his mind: he needs to find Iruka niisan. Naruto is afraid that Iruka niisan will not come back after his argument with Naruto's grandma. Naruto cannot feel Iruka niisan's chakra - it is so familiar now that he only knows what Iruka niisan's chakra feels like by its absence. It's easier to tell when it is not there than when it is.

Determined to find Iruka niisan, Naruto thinks long and hard about how to find him. He wishes there was a grown up he could ask for advice. But so long as Naruto cannot control the anti gravity seal he is stuck inside unless there is someone to hold the leash and keep him from floating away. So who can Naruto ask for help? He could ask Grandpa. But what if Grandma finds out? She probably doesn't want Iruka niisan to come back, even though she said she would let him teach Naruto again.

Naruto wishes Joe were there. Wait a second! Naruto grins when he realizes: he can ask Joe for help. That is, if he can actually summon Joe.

Naruto pulls himself down the furniture and grabs a piece of paper and a pen. Then he draws a seal that (hopefully) will summon Joe. Once he is sure the seal will definitely summon a shinigami and not blow his face off, Naruto activates the seal.

Sure enough, a shinigami appears.

"You're not Joe!" says Naruto, disappointed.

"No," says the Shinigami. "I'm Dave. Joe is in timeout because he done goofed. What do you want kid?"

"I wanted to talk to Joe!" Naruto whines and reverses the seal, sending Dave back to wherever he came from.

Disappointed that he could not summon Joe, Naruto wonders what to do next. Joe can't help him, so who can? Eventually, Naruto decides to help himself. There is a tree close to the kitchen window. If he can get to it, maybe he can get to the fence and after that… Well, there are buildings and plants and fences all over the village. Maybe he can get himself to the Hokage tower. Then he can ask Grandpa Hokage for help.

Firmly decided on following that particular course of action, Naruto makes his way to the kitchen. Once there, Naruto opens the window and squeezes out, attaching himself to one of the tree's branches like a sloth. Naruto starts inching his way towards the nearby fence.

He almost falls off the branch, and suddenly this does not seem like a good idea at all. Naruto hangs onto the branch for dear life. Feeling overwhelmed, Naruto starts crying, howling quite loudly.

A few minutes later, both his grandparents come running, both still in their pyjamas and looking like they just woke up. "Naruto what are you doing?" asks his Grandma. "It's five in the morning, you should be in bed!"

"I'm stuck!" Naruto cries.

Naruto's grandpa climbs up the tree and tries to pull Naruto off the branch. Naruto hangs on tighter. "Naruto, let go of the tree," says Naruto's grandpa, refusing to relinquish his hold on Naruto. "I can't get you down if you don't let go!"

"But I'm stuck!" Naruto insists, too scared he'll float away to let let go.

"Naruto, if you just let go, you won't be stuck anymore," says his grandpa patiently.

"I caaan't! I'm stuuuuuck!"

"Hi!" calls a girl's voice from down below Naruto.

"Ah, hello Hinata," says Naruto's grandpa.

"Can Naruto come out to play?" asks Hinata.

"It's five in the morning," says Naruto's grandma. "Do your parents know you're here?"

"Yep!" says Hinata. Then her tummy growls loudly.

"Did you skip breakfast to come here and see if Naruto can play with you?" asks Naruto's grandma suspiciously.

"Yep!" grins Hinata.

"Help me, Hinata!" whines Naruto. "I'm stuck!"

Hinata glares up at Naruto, her hands on her hips and a scowl on her face. "You are being silly!" Hinata snaps. "Now deactivate that seal and get your ass on the ground!"

"Hinata! Language!" snaps Grandma.

Naruto tears up some more. Hinata is mad at him! Sometimes Shikamaru gets mad at him, and sometimes Choji gets mad at him, but Hinata has never got mad at him before! Naruto is not sure whether to be pleased or upset. In fact he is so surprised he nearly cuts off the flow of chakra to the seal. It is then that he realizes: chakra controls the seal. To shut it off, he needs to cut off its chakra supply. But how? "I don't know how!" whines Naruto. "I can't shut off the seal!"

"Yes you can!" Hinata snaps, stomping her foot. "I've had enough of the stupid seal. Shut it off right now!"

Naruto thinks. How do you shut off chakra? He remembers a lesson they had at the Academy a few weeks ago - something about suppressing chakra. Maybe if he tries that, it will cut off the flow of chakra into the seal. Screwing up his face in concentration, Naruto tries to suppress his chakra. After much effort, he eventually succeeds, and the seal turns off. Naruto can now feel the weight of his body, he feels so heavy, but just to be sure the seal really is off, Naruto lets go of the tree.

Before Naruto has even started falling, his grandpa catches him. "Wow, you are heavy," says Naruto's grandpa.

Hinata giggles.

Naruto's grandpa carries him down from the tree and sets him on the grass. Feeling a bit unsteady on his feet after so long floating, Naruto falls over. Then Naruto laughs, because he can actually fall over now.

"Soooooo…." Hinata says, her arms behind her back. "What's for breakfast?"

* * *

Much later, after Naruto and Hinata have unearthed some breakfast and Naruto's grandparents have gone back to bed, Hinata drags Naruto back outside to sit under the tree he was stuck in not half an hour ago.

"So what were you doing up in that tree?" asks Hinata.

"I wanted to talk to the Hokage," admits Naruto.

"Why?" Hinata crosses her arms.

"Because Iruka niisan and Grandma had a big argument and Iruka niisan ran off afterwards and didn't come back!" Naruto blurts out.

"He'll be back," says Hinata. "He probably just needs time to cool off. My uncle and my dad fight and argue and once they're done they storm off in opposite directions, shut themselves away from everyone and re emerge several hours later and it's like nothing happened." Hinata shrugs. "Iruka san will be back, trust me."

Naruto smiles, feeling much better. Then he says, "Let's go tell Shikamaru and Choji that I stopped floating!"

Grinning, Hinata helped Naruto to his feet and drags him through the village to the Nara compound. The gate guard, who knows Hinata and Naruto, lets them in straight away.

"So you're back on the ground, I see," the guard grins as he waves the two kids through to gate.

Hinata and Naruto scurry through the Nara courtyard and Shikamaru's bedroom window and climb inside. Shikamaru always sleeps with his window open a bit, so it is just a matter of prying the window open and climbing in. Naruto and Hinata fall to the floor with a crash. Shikamaru wakes up, sees them, mumbles, "Troublesome." and rolls over to go back to sleep.

There are five seconds of total silence, then Shikamaru sits up faster than a bolt of lightning and says, "When did you stop floating?"

"An hour ago!" says Naruto, grinning from ear to ear. "Come on, Shikamaru, we're going to tell Choji, and then we can do whatever we want, 'cause you guys don't have to stop me from flying away!"

"Troublesome," mutters Shikamaru and rolls out of bed.

"So...what's for breakfast?" asks Hinata grinning.

* * *

About half an hour later, Naruto, Hinata and Shikamaru set out for Choji's house. All three are full of the breakfast they scrounged from Shikamaru's kitchen cupboards after Shikamaru's mum told them to find their own breakfast - it's too early to be up, dammit!

When Naruto, Hinata and Shikamaru finally arrive at Choji's house, he is sitting in his living room with a bowl of cereal watching Saturday morning cartoons on television. Hinata, Shikamaru and Naruto wait until the ads come on before revealing their collective presence to their friend.

"Woah! You're back to normal!" Choji yells upon seeing Naruto standing with both feet firmly planted on the ground.

"What cereal is that?" asks Hinata.

Shikamaru facepalms.

* * *

Fugaku is sitting in his office trying to solve an interesting case wherein an old lady's cat went missing for an entire week and came back as if nothing had happened. Of course, it was hard for the cat to hide the fact that it went from being small, black and having a bow around its neck to having slick fur, a pair of awesome shades and a leather jacket. But the thing that is bothering Fugaku is that this particular cat is just a normal house cat. What happened to this cat? It went from normal to…

"Mr Nice Police Chief!" Naruto and his posse crash into Fugaku's room, interrupting his train of thought.

"Hello Naruto," says Fugaku, taking a calming breath.

"Look! I stopped floating! With a bit of help from Hinata, but I STOPPED FLOATING!" Naruto jumps up and down in excitement.

All Fugaku can think is; _There goes the village's peace and quiet. The Prankster Gang is back in full force and they have lost time to make up for. Great._

* * *

At around midday, Naruto, Hinata, Shikamaru and Choji turn up at Ichiraku Ramen. It's been awhile since the four of them have come in together, Ichiraku reflects. Ever since they started at the Academy started they haven't had much time for goofing around. Besides that, with Naruto's floating he is very much at the mercy of his grandparents' wishes.

But it looks like that has changed. "Naruto you managed to switch off that seal, I see," smiles Ichiraku.

"Yep!" Naruto grins. "One bowl of miso ramen please!"

Ichiraku smiles and says, "It's on the house to celebrate your return to earth! You and your friends can have all the ramen you want today!"

Amid the cheers and whoops and 'thank yous' Ichiraku smiles and thinks that it is about time Naruto's grandparents saw for themselves what a cunning little prankster the boy can be.


	29. Youth Prevails

Iruka wakes up on the floor of the Temple of Joe. Feeling more relaxed than he has since the nine tails killed his parents, Iruka sits up and looks around. Mei is gone. And so is the Sacred Scroll. Of course she took the scroll.

The last thing Iruka remembers is that while he was pulling his clothes back on, Mei said, "I'm sorry." and hit him over the back of the head. At least she didn't kill him. So what if she took the scroll and knocked him out? Iruka done got laid.

Better not mention THAT to the rest of the team. If anyone finds out what he and Mei did, he could be branded a traitor to the Leaf.

Well, it looks like Joe isn't the only one who done goofed.

Still, there are roughly 500 scrolls left in the temple. Iruka gets up, gathers up the scrolls and seals them away in a storage scroll. Once that is done, Iruka heads off to find his team. He finds them right where he left them, giggling over a grimy picture.

"What's that?" asks Iruka, leaning over to see what the picture is. "Hey that's my parents!"

"As I said," says Gai. "Youth prevails!"

"And that's me...wow I was an ugly baby," Iruka says, pulling a face.

"Wait, babies can't be ugly - it's like saying the sky isn't blue!" protests Hana.

"Do you want this?" asks Itachi, holding out the framed photograph to Iruka.

"Yeah," says Iruka, taking the photograph. He examines the ruin. "So, this is where I used to live. Funny, I have vague recollections of it being in one piece."

"Did you get the scroll?" asks Itachi.

"Ah, no." Iruka tells a tiny bit of the truth.

"During our tiny scuffle with the other shinobi - they basically turned on each other and we mostly watched - one of the Mist shinobi mentioned that their team leader has gone to the temple to get the scroll. Did you run into their team leader?"

Iruka knows he is blushing, "Yes, I did," he replies. Hopefully he can make them believe the blush is because he lost.

"Let me guess: you two fought, she came out on top - why are you blushing so badly? Honestly, anyone would think you are ashamed to have gotten your butt whooped by a girl," Hana finally stops talking.

Iruka is blushing so badly because Mei actually did come out on top, but not in the way Hana believes. Either way, Iruka was thoroughly whipped. Not that he minds - it was just the outlet he needed for all that stress. "She took the Sacred scroll," he tells his team. "But since she left the other 500 odd scrolls alone, I took them and sealed them into a storage scroll. Hopefully the Hokage won't be too disappointed we didn't get the Sacred Scroll."

"Hopefully," shrugs Itachi. "Let's go back to the Leaf."

The team sets out, making good time across the sea. The ocean has calmed enough that they can make the trip in under an hour. Once they are on solid ground, Iruka asks Gai a question that has been bothering him. "Hey, Gai?" Iruka begins

"Yes, my youthful team leader?" booms Gai.

Internally wincing because he wanted to have a private conversation, but underestimated the power of Might Gai's… well, Might Gai-ness, Iruka says, "How did you graduate from the Academy? I don't know anyone who graduated without ninjutsu."

"I graduated on a specialist pass," says Gai, holding up an informative finger. "Since you do not know what a specialist pass is, I will explain it -"

"Basically, you pick an area to specialize in and when you take the graduation test, they grade you on your area of expertise instead of the normal graduation test," interrupts Hana. "Your theory and stuff has to be up to par though," she adds. "There's probably a bunch of other boring rules you don't want to hear about-"

"Actually I do!" interrupts Iruka, before Hana can dismiss the topic as redundant. "Naruto is rubbish at ninjutsu, and will probably fail the graduation test, so I want to know-"

"Say no more, my Youthful team leader!" says Gai, putting a hand on Iruka shoulder and clenching his fist. "I shall fill you in on everything you need to know on the trip back to our Youthful village!"

* * *

"Did you find him?" Kazama asks Arashi frantically.

"No, I did not find Naruto," sighs Arashi. "Where could he possibly gotten to? He was just with Hinata - she's always been the responsible one. They've never disappeared like this before!"

"We need to find them!" says Kazama, pacing frantically. "Naruto could be hurt or lost or-"

"What happened to Naruto?" asks a voice Kazama really does not want to be hearing.

She takes a deep breath and turns to Iruka, who is standing by the door, looking tired, but...relaxed? "So you came back after all?" Kazama is relieved Iruka came back. She will never admit it to anyone but, despite her dislike for the boy, she does worry about him.

"Of course I came back," replies Iruka. "Now, what was that about Naruto?"

"He's missing," says Arashi. "He managed to switch off that dratted seal and ran off with Hinata. We haven't seen either of them since."

"When was this?" asks Iruka.

"About half past five this morning. They didn't even come back for lunch."

"Woah, woah, woah! You mean you let them go out to play without any lunch, or at least some lunch money?"

"They've always come back for lunch!" protests Kazama.

"That's because Naruto gets sick of that leash around lunchtime," says Iruka patiently. "Before he made that seal he stayed out from breakfast until dinner. Which you would know if you asked him. Which reminds me: I owe you an apology."

"I'm sure you don't need to-" Arashi starts to say.

"Actually I do," says Iruka. "I unfairly got mad at you for something that is my fault. If I had told you right at the beginning that Naruto has trouble trusting people, then you would have truly won him over by now. I didn't realize I needed to tell you - I thought you would figure it out, or Naruto would tell you somehow - I should've known I'd need to tell you myself. After all, before he came to live with me, Naruto's foster parents showed him no affection at all - they simply fed him, clothed him, shut him in his room and pretended he did not exist. He tries so hard to please you; he just wants you to love him." He grins embarrassedly and scratches the back of his head. "I suppose it was easy for me to gain his trust, since I had Ichiraku vouching for me."

"Is that seriously all you have to say for yourself?" demands Kazama, crossing her arms and resisting the urge punch and hug Iruka simultaneously.

Iruka appears to think about that, then says, "I talked to another shinobi and he told me about this thing called a specialist pass. Basically, a student at the academy picks an area to specialize in, and when it come time for them to graduate, they are tested on their chosen area of expertise rather than taking the normal ninjutsu tests."

"Area of expertise?" Kazama rolls her eyes. "Like what? What kid that young would already need to specialize? Shouldn't they all be learning as much as they can about everything?"

"Well they do," says Iruka. "But the shinobi I talked to is all but unable to do ninjutsu and genjutsu. He graduated from the Academy with a Specialist pass in taijutsu. He still had to get good marks for the written test, but instead of taking a test he was incapable of completing, he was tested on the area he excels in. At the moment, Naruto cannot seem to grasp ninjutsu or genjutsu, and his taijutsu is below par. He nearly didn't get into the Academy. So what happens if his friends take the graduation test and pass it but he does not?"

"Yes, at the rate he's going he is not going to pass," nods Arashi. "I assume you are suggesting that when the time comes, Naruto should try to graduate as a specialist in fuuinjutsu?"

"How is that going to work?" asks Kazama, doubtful. "I looked at the Academy curriculum. They do not teach fuuinjutsu."

"By Hidden Leaf standard fuuinjutsu is a chunin level forbidden art," says Iruka. "For Academy students to learn it they need permission from the Hokage or their respective clan. Most who learn fuinjutsu don't learn it until they graduate, and out of those, over half wait until they are chunin. There are standard seals that most ninja know of course," he explains, "But they are so basic Naruto could do them in his sleep. The Hidden Leaf has not had a great fuuinjutsu master since the Fourth Hokage - well, a fuuinjutsu master everyone actually knew about. And the Fourth does not count as a master by Whirlpool standards since he failed the final test, but that is beside the point."

Kazama is about to demand to know what Iruka is going on about, when the gate crashes open and four children pile run through, followed by a phoenix and a unicorn. Shikamaru, Hinata, Choji and Naruto run wildly up to Kazama and Arashi and attempt to hide behind them, the unicorn starts grazing and the phoenix lands on Iruka's head and squawks.

A few moments later, a couple of Uchiha police men appear at the gate. "You!" one pants, pointing vaguely.

"Me?" asks Kazama.

"No, you!" the Uchiha points more specifically. "Control your brother!"

"What did they do?" asks Iruka like this is normal.

"They…" the Uchiha is panting like he ran a marathon. "We caught them painting mustaches on the...front door of the...station!" The Uchiha is bending over holding his side now, and Kazama wonders just how hard it is to catch a bunch of six year olds. Then both Uchihas fall to the ground. Surprisingly, they start laughing helplessly.

Kazama is sure she is missing something important, a feeling that is driven home when Iruka starts laughing too.

"You're not mad?" asks Naruto, peeking out from behind Arashi.

"No!" laughs the other Uchiha - the one who has been silent so far. "The Chief said to give you a warning: if you and your little posse pull any more pranks on the police department we'll have to get you to clean our windows as punishment! He also says you can paint mustaches on his office door as well if you want - just let him know first."

"Okay!" Naruto grins. "Who wants to help me paint the nice police chief's office door tomorrow?"

"You can't…" Kazama tried to tell Naruto that he can't paint tomorrow, because he still needs to do his homework.

"I'm in!" yells Hinata, throwing her arms up in the air.

The two Uchiha's turn and run.

"Where are you going?" yells Iruka.

"To get better padlocks for our lunchboxes!" one of the Uchiha yells back.

Hinata giggles. "Oh, yeah, Iruka san," Hinata says, turning her attention to Iruka. "Naruto has something to tell you!"

"Oh yes?" Iruka smiles encouragingly.

Naruto spins around and says, "I'm back on the ground!"

"Good job!" Iruka praises him. "So what have you learned about the seal?"

"It is controlled by the flow of chakra!" Then Naruto turns all shy. "Where did you go?"

"I went to the Temple of Joe to retrieve a sacred scroll," Iruka tells Naruto. "But someone else got it first. I did bring back 500 other scrolls for us to study together though. There are lots of fuuinjutsu secrets and Whirlpool history to learn!"

"Yay!" Naruto grins. Then he says, "What's the Temple of Joe?"

"It's the archive where the Hidden Whirlpool kept most of its important documents and knowledge, though there are other scrolls hidden in other locations - I mean, who would keep all their S Rank files in one place, anyway?" Iruka shakes his head in disappointment at anyone who would do such a thing. "When our ancestors were finished building the archive, they had a bit of trouble thinking up a name for it. Calling it an archive didn't seem to fit, so they named it 'The Temple of Joe' after Joe the Shinigami."

 _He's right,_ thinks Kazama. _These Whirlpool people function completely differently to the rest of us._

Naruto giggles and says, "Joe is grounded because he done goofed."

"How do you know that?" asks Iruka, frowning.

"I tried to summon Joe, but I got some shinigami called Dave instead," Naruto explains flippantly. "He told me Joe is grounded, but since I didn't know Dave I un-summoned him and tried to find you myself. That's how I got stuck in a tree. Then Hinata yelled at me to get my ass on the ground and I did."

"Hold on," says Iruka. "Let me get this straight: you summoned Dave the Shinigami and dismissed him without anyone getting their soul stolen?"

"Yeah why?"

"Naruto, you passed the test. You are now a Level Two Fuuinjutsu student."


	30. A Force to be Reckoned With

"Lord Hokage!" a few of Hiruzen's minions burst into his office, interrupting his document transcription. "We have a situation!"

"Let the police handle it," says Hiruzen impatiently. "That is their job."

"The police are too busy laughing sir!"

Hiruzen face palms slowly and groans. "What did Naruto do this time?"

The minion points to the window.

Hiruzen gets up and walks over to the window. Then Hiruzen heads up onto the roof to get a better look at Naruto's handiwork. Hiruzen takes his pipe out of his mouth and stares up at Naruto's handiwork. Naruto is still hanging from the Fourth's hair on a harness that does not look safe. It is easy to see why the police are simply laughing at the prank. All the kage have resplendent mustaches and a monocle each. "NARUTO!" yells Hiruzen angrily, even though he thinks the graffiti is an improvement. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?! GET DOWN FROM THERE THIS INSTANT!"

Naruto starts spinning in surprise, the rope swinging wildly because he lost his footing on the great face of his father. Naruto regains his balance and looks down at the assembled group of unhappy shinobi. Then he does what every graffiti artist does when they are caught red handed - he bolts.

* * *

As Naruto is running through the Leaf village, avoiding the angry shinobi who are trying to catch him and drag him back to class, he grins smugly to himself. They'll never catch him! He is too fast for them! Too cool, too- _thwack._ Naruto runs straight into his grandfather.

"Naruto, what have I said about cutting class?" scolds Naruto's Grandpa, grabbing Naruto by the back of his collar.

Naruto grins sheepishly and scratches the back of his head. "Don't do it?" he says nervously.

"Damn right, don't do it!" Grandpa gives Naruto a shake. "And of all the days to skip school, you do it THE DAY BEFORE YOUR GRADUATION TEST!"

"I'm bored!" moans Naruto. "I already know everything I need to to pass. Besides, today is preparation for the exam, and I'm taking the specialist test, remember?"

"Naruto, your sensei hasn't approved that yet," says Naruto's Grandpa, dragging Naruto back to the Academy. "You still need to practice for the normal test just in case."

"But why would Mizuki sensei not let me take the specialist test?" asks Naruto, confused. Mizuki sensei is not as cool as Washi sensei had been, but he is okay. "He knows I won't pass the normal test."

Naruto's Grandpa sighs and shakes his head. After a short while, they arrive at the Academy. In the practice yard, Iruka niisan's class of little kids. After only two years of putting up with Naruto and his gang, Washi sensei and Nezumi sensei decided to retire. Iruka niisan was put in charge of Nezumi sensei's class, while Washi sensei was replaced with Mizuki, a guy that hangs out with Iruka niisan sometimes. Hinata and Choji moved to Naruto's class, switching places with Shin and Sai. Even though the switch was to prevent favoritism, since Choji and Hinata both know Iruka niisan, Naruto is glad to have all his friends in the same class. However, last year most of the Root kids graduated, as did Karin and a couple of others. The classes were cut in half, and so what was left of the classes were combined for their final year at the Academy. Mizuki was put in charge of the combined class and Iruka niisan was given a class of new students to teach. Karin somehow ended up on a team with Shin and Sai, with Shisui as their jounin sensei.

Naruto's Grandpa drags him back to his class and turns him over to Mizuki sensei, saying, "You should keep a closer eye on your students!"

"You're his guardian: shouldn't you have taught him not to skip class?" says Mizuki eloquently.

The class giggles.

"Oh, I tell him every morning 'don't skip class today, Naruto!'" replies Naruto's grandpa. "But he does anyway, because YOU do not do anything to stop him. Honestly, how are you going to handle your next set of students?" Naruto's Grandpa lets him go and leaves.

"Go back to your seat Naruto," says Mizuki sensei. "We are going to have a little practice test."

The whole class groans. Everyone knows it's Naruto's fault for skipping class, but only Shikamaru suspects that it is more because Mizuki was shamed in front of the class by Naruto's grandfather.

"When I call your name, please come forward and demonstrate the clone jutsu," continues Mizuki sensei.

 _Well_ , thinks Naruto, _Mizuki sensei is definitely mad at me. Everyone's going to laugh at me when my turn comes - I can't do clone jutsu!_ Glumly, Naruto waits for his turn. When his turn finally comes, Naruto fails miserably and most of the class laughs or jeers at him. His friends do not laugh, and a few other kids look too bored to care.

* * *

"What have I said about wagging?" demands Kazama, bopping Naruto on the head.

"Ow!" Naruto rubs his head. "I'm sorry Grandma! I just got so bored!"

"Honestly, Naruto," adds Iruka. "Pulling a stunt like that the day before graduation is stupid!"

"Pulling a stunt like that no matter what the day is stupid!" snaps Kazama.

"Exactly!" agrees Iruka, glaring down at Naruto. "But especially stupid now, since it's so close to your graduation! You better spend the rest of the day studying for the graduation exam, and don't you dare try to get out of it!"

"I will tie you to your chair if I have to!" adds Kazama. "But you are going to study, and you are going to study hard!"

"Aw!" Naruto droops in shame. Ever since Kazama and Iruka worked out their differences, the pair became a force to be reckoned with - the only force in the village capable of making Naruto study something other than fuuinjutsu. The only force capable of making him eat vegetables. The only force capable of drilling etiquette and manners into his brain. A terrifying force indeed.

Naruto does as he is told and spends the evening studying and practicing for the test tomorrow.

* * *

Naruto stares at Mizuki sensei in horror. "What?" he asks, confused.

"I said 'no'," repeats Mizuki sensei. "You cannot take the specialist test."

"But I-!"

"Do not argue. Go to your seat and wait for the real test with everyone else."

Shocked and feeling sick inside, Naruto walks to a seat, sits down and stares at the desk in front of him. Years of hard work and preparation, training and studying for the Specialist test glares at him mockingly. It was all for nothing!

It can't have been all for nothing!

But if he fails the regular test, he will never be a ninja - but he doesn't know how to be anything else!

Naruto tries his hardest in the written portion of the test, and does his best in the kenjutsu section. But when the ninjutsu section starts, Naruto almost starts crying. The test is the clone jutsu.

Naruto tries his hardest, but only manages to produce one weak clone, unable to even stand up.

"Don't worry Naruto," says Mizuki sensei with false kindness. "I'll make allowances for you, since you tried your hardest. You pass - but just barely."

The other examiner looks at Mizuki in surprise. "Weren't they supposed to make three functioning clones?" she asks.

"Yes," agrees Mizuki sensei. "But he did well enough in the other tests that we can overlook this one." He gives Naruto a ninja headband and sends him out.

Naruto returns to his seat, his face burning in shame. He could have passed with good marks if he had taken the specialist test! He knows he should have failed the test, but Mizuki is apparently intent on humiliating him by giving him the lowest score possible and still having him pass. The other kids are staring at him, wondering why he is so upset. Naruto buries his head in his arms and tries not to cry. He is half tempted to summon Joe, but Naruto is not allowed to summon any shinigami unless it is for his final fuuinjutsu test. When the students are dismissed, Naruto runs away to sit on to of the Fourth Hokage's stone head and cry.

Later, at the graduation ceremony, Naruto can see Mizuki watching him, smiling cruelly at the way people are looking over at Naruto and whispering. Somehow they found out he only passed because Mizuki 'felt sorry for him and let him pass'. After the ceremony, Naruto stands off to one side, waiting miserably for the whole affair to be over.

Iruka niisan, Grandma and Grandpa wade through the crowd to get to him.

"Naruto! What happened?" asks Iruka, looking as confused as Naruto is upset. "Why didn't you take the specialist test?"

"Mizuki sensei didn't let me," replies Naruto, staring at the ground.

"F###." Iruka swears shamelessly.

"My thoughts exactly," agrees Arashi.

"Is there anything we can do?" asks Kazama.

"No," sighs Iruka. "Naruto is now registered as the lowest ranked graduate from his year. The jonin in charge of him will only see a useless try-hard who will never be much of a ninja. If he is put on a team with students that did not do well either, he'll just be sent back to the Academy without being giving much of a chance. Mizuki knew that when he set this whole thing up."

"So what you're saying is Naruto is going back to the Academy?" says Naruto's Grandpa.

Iruka grins cunningly. "No, the Hokage decides on the team arrangements. He will give Naruto a challenge, maybe even throw in a bit of irony with the team arrangement, but he will not set Naruto up to fail. In fact, Naruto, the jounin you are assigned to probably won't know about your prowess with fuuinjutsu, so you can use that to your advantage."

"What do you mean?" asks Naruto, confused. "Shouldn't I tell my jounin sensei what I'm good at?"

"Not right away," grins Iruka conspiritally. "Save it for the jounin's assessment. They do their own assessments of their teams you know."


	31. I'm on to You!

Kakashi sits in his favourite tree with the profiles of the little genins he is going to terrorize tomorrow. Who did the Hokage give him this year? Kakashi looks at the first profile. Naruto Uzumaki.

Let it never be said the Third Hokage does not know what irony is. Kakashi feels certain that Naruto graduated with a specialist pass in fuuinjutsu - that is what he worked for for the last six years. Kakashi starts reading the information about Naruto's abilities, as described by Naruto's Academy sensei, Mizuki.

"Let's see," mumbles Kakashi. "Average at kenjutsu, that's not surprising, he does not have very good aim, but we can work on that if he passes my test. Poor ninjutsu, well he is better at fuuinjutsu. Taijutsu, sucks - wait, that doesn't seem right. Naruto isn't that bad at taijutsu. Besides, no one except crazy ex ANBU can get away with informal language on an official report. Where was I? Oh yeah, Naruto's profile. Fuinjutsu: so bad he can't even handle a basic storage seal." Kakashi closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, opens his eyes and reads that sentence again. Sure enough, he read it right the first time. "That little rotten fish basket!" Growls Kakashi angrily. "He's trying to make Naruto fail by not giving him a chance! These profiles are obviously bullshit." Kakashi tears them up and throws them in the nearest rubbish bin.

Kakashi will just have to learn about these kids when he actually meets them. He does not even regret not reading the other two genin's names. It just means the little team introduction this afternoon will be that much more sincere.

* * *

Naruto slides into a random seat, trying not to make eye contact with anyone he knows. He doesn't bother looking at the person he is sitting beside, just stares ahead blankly.

"Hey Naruto, why are you so down?" Shikamaru asks, bopping Naruto on the head. "You passed, didn't you?"

"Yeah, but Mizuki sensei set me up to fail the jounin's test before I even start," mumbles Naruto, despondently.

"Mizuki sensei must have underestimated the jounin," says the boy sitting beside Naruto. "The jounin will test us on our skills in an actual combat situation. Even if they go in with a low opinion of your skills, they will soon learn what you can do."

Naruto looks at the boy in surprise. It's Karin's pink haired friend. "That's what Iruka niisan said," Naruto says. "But I'm not getting my hopes up."

"Good luck, anyway," says Shikamaru, and goes off to find a seat. There aren't very many left now.

As the last graduates are sitting down, Mizuki sensei appears. "Congratulations to all you graduates," he says, then launches into a long speech about their responsibilities as genin. Finally, Mizuki starts listing off the teams. Naruto listens carefully for his name, but he is not in the first six teams. Then Mizuki sensei says, "Team Seven: Naruto Uzumaki-"

 _Who am I going to be with?_ Naruto wonders. _None of my friends have been assigned yet._

"-Madoka Haruno," continues Mizuki sensei. "And Sasuke Uchiha."

"Damn," mutters Naruto. "I'm not with any of my friends. Ah well, I guess I can make new friends."

The boy sitting next to Naruto taps him on the shoulder and whispers, "We're on the same team."

"Cool," whispers Naruto.

Mizuki sensei is reading off the names of Team Eight: "Kiba Inuzuka, Shino Aburame and Hinata Hyuuga."

Are they all going to be on different teams? Naruto wonders what the Hokage is thinking. Naruto turns and tries to catch Hinata's eye. She sees him looking and shrugs nonchalantly. Naruto scribbles 'do you know those kids?' on a piece of paper gives it to Sparky, who is sitting in his usual spot on Naruto's shoulder, and tells Sparky to take it to Hinata. Sparky squarks and flies over to sit on Hinata's shoulder.

After preening himself for a bit, Sparky flies back with a note from Hinata. 'Kind of. Shino only ever hangs out with Sasuke, and Kiba is a pain in the butt. Do you realize Sasuke is sitting in the same row as you? Now that you are on her team, this is you chance to make friends with her (finally).'

Naruto grins and leans forward to see who is sitting on the other side of Madoka. Sure enough, there is Sasuke, her hands folded under her chin and a scowl on her face. _Wow, what are the chances I'd accidently sit with my teammates?_ Naruto thinks. _I finally have a chance to befriend Sasuke. Thanks Grandpa Hokage!_

Mizuki sensei has read out the names for team Nine, and Naruto didn't even hear because he was distracted. Now Mizuki sensei is reading the names of Team Ten; "Choji Akimichi, Shikamaru Nara and Ino Yamanaka."

Naruto scribbles on another piece of paper, 'oh so you two get to be on the same team, but me and Hinata are with people we don't even know!' and sends Sparky off to take it to Shikamaru and Choji.

A few seconds later a reply come back that reads 'you are on the same team as Sasuke. Make friends with the damn girl! You do remember how long we've been trying to do that, right?!'

'Don't change the subject!' Naruto sends back.

'You're just jealous!' comes the reply.

'Of course I am!' Naruto replies, and draws an angry face on the note.

'Suck it up.'

'F##k you!'

"Shikamaru and Naruto!" snaps Mizuki sensei. "Stop passing notes!" He clears his throat and adds, "You are all dismissed for your lunch break. Afterwards, you will meet your jounin senseis."

 _I've got to make friends with my new teammates,_ Naruto thinks and turns to ask, "Hey, guys, since we're on the same team, do you wanna have lunch together?"

"Sure," agrees Madoka. "All the other teams will probably be doing the same."

The two boys both look over at Sasuke, who still sitting in exactly the same position. She glances at them, looking like she is about to accept, then snaps "No!" and turns away.

Naruto shrugs. "Suit yourself."

"You don't have to be rude about it," mutters Madoka.

* * *

Sasuke sits out of her two teammates' line of sight, watching them. She wishes she had the courage to go up to them and ask if she can join them. They probably won't like her now that she was rude when she refused to sit with them. She almost agreed to go with them, but her shyness won out.

What does she know about these two? Sasuke reflects on the two boys. Madoka, she remembers, is the pink haired boy that got bullied on their very first day of school, and on many other occasions by the other boys in their class, especially Kiba. Naruto, on the other hand, is that annoying kid who keeps trying to steal Sasuke's Dad. She frowns in annoyance. So what if Naruto and his little gang keep trying to get her to join them, most of the Uchiha clan seems to think Naruto and that Hyuuga girl are the coolest kids in the village. What did they do that is so special, anyway?

Deciding to ignore her teammates for now, Sasuke goes back to eating her rice balls.

* * *

Madoka, Naruto and Sasuke wait patiently while the other teams disappear with their jounin senseis. Soon there are no jounin left.

"It looks like your jounin sensei forgot to come," says Mizuki after waiting for about half an hour. "Feel free to keep waiting, but I doubt he'll come." Mizuki sensei leaves, giving Naruto a smug look on his way past.

As soon as Mizuki sensei is gone, Naruto jumps up and blurts out, "I hate him! He deliberately screwed up my chances, but he better not have screwed with you guys as well!" Naruto is angry. He has no idea why Mizuki is being so nasty all of a sudden, but the look he gave Naruto on the way out was worse than the cold glares many other people in the village give Naruto. Was he only pretending to be nice the whole time so he could bully Naruto like this?

The three new genins wait for another hour before Naruto, who has been pacing angrily and muttering under his breath the different methods of fuuinjutsu, decides to pull a prank, any prank, on the late jounin. He grabs the blackboard eraser and a chair, then climbs up on the chair and sticks the eraser in the gap between the door and its frame.

"What are you doing?" demands Madoka.

"If he's going to be late, he's going to get pranked," says Naruto firmly, and climbs down off the chair.

"You really think a jounin will fall for a prank like that?" asks Madoka skeptically.

As Naruto is putting the chair back in its place, he sneaks a glance at Sasuke. To his surprise, Sasuke is watching the door intently, like she really wants the prank to work.

After a few tense minutes of waiting, the door finally opens. _Thwack!_ The erasor falls on the head of the unsuspecting jounin. Naruto lets out a whoop. Madoka hides his grin behind his hand. Sasuke makes a face like she is trying not to laugh.

The ditzy, tired looking jounin regards the three genins. Even though his mask and tilted headband cover all of his face except his right eye, they can tell he is annoyed. After a few seconds he says, "Hm, based on my first impression I'd say: I'd don't like you three."

All three genins are hurt by this statement.


	32. Trolling Genins

Kakashi surveys this year's batch of genins. He actually kind of hopes this lot will pass. He does not want to be the one who crushes Naruto's dreams. All the same, he wonders who the other two are. The boy he has never seen before. The girl is an Uchiha; Kakashi wonders if she is related to anyone he knows.

As he is leading the three genin to his chosen spot on the roof of the Academy, Kakashi subtly studies the three twelve year olds.

Naruto saunters along with his hands behind his head, trying to hide how worried he is. His yellow hair looks like it was forcibly brushed that morning. Kakashi wonders why Naruto is wearing orange pants and an orange, blue and white jacket that looks too big for him. Kakashi wonders what Naruto is planning.

Madoka seems more serious, but Kakashi does wonder if his pink hair is natural, and if so whether or not the boy gets teased for it. At least he is not wearing 'I'm a target' orange, but rather a red sleeveless top with a white circle on the back and white three-quarter pants. _He looks like a nerd_ , Kakashi thinks.

The Uchiha girl is not dressed like most Uchihas. She has a dark blue velvet bow holding her hair in a high ponytail, and is wearing a short blue dress with elbow length sleeves, that zips up at the front and a wide, white belt around her waist. Her white wrist-warmers reach to her elbows, but are balanced out by the white footless tights she is wearing under her dress. _She probably favours taijutsu,_ Kakashi thinks. _That skirt would give her a lot of freedom of movement. I wonder if she has sharingan? Girls aren't treated as harshly as boys if they do not awaken it._

As they are settling into their chosen spots on the roof, Kakashi realizes something: he's been given a band of misfits. Well, this just got interesting. He wonders briefly if any of them know medical ninjutsu. Wouldn't that be ironic: Sensei's kid, an Uchiha without sharingan and a medic. But Kakashi brushes that thought aside. There is no guarantee the nerd boy is a medic, or would even be able to do medical ninjutsu, and he does not yet know if the Uchiha has sharingan.

"Now," begins Kakashi cheerfully. "I'd like each one of you to tell me a little about yourself."

"Like what?" asks Pink Hair Nerd.

"Hm," Kakashi considers this and says, "Your name, your favourite thing, whatever you hate most, dreams for the future, hobbies - things like that."

"You should go first," says Naruto. "Since you are an adult."

"Alright," says Kakashi. "I'm Kakashi Hatake. I don't feel like telling you what I like and dislike. My dreams are none of your business, and I have plenty of hobbies."

"All we really learned was his name," Pink Hair Nerd whispers to Naruto.

"Oh you'll learn a lot about me if you pass my test," says Kakashi flippantly. "Now it's your turn. You can go first, since you spoke just now."

"Oh, okay," says Pink Hair Nerd. "My name is Madoka Haruno. I like studying, and I don't like it when people make fun of my hair - that's why I grew it long: to spite them."

 _Interesting, it is naturally pink and he is a nerd,_ thinks Kakashi.

"My dream is to be a better medical ninja than Tsunade Senju," continues Madoka. "But I'm still learning."

 _Oh no,_ thinks Kakashi. _The Hokage is giving me as close to my old team as he can get. Does this mean the Uchiha does not have sharingan? But which one is obsessed with the rules and which two hate eachother's guts?_

"And my favourite hobby is playing trivia games," finishes Madoka.

"Nice," says Kakashi. "You're next, blondie."

"I'm Naruto Uzumaki, dattebayo!" says Naruto enthusiastically. "My favourite things in the whole world are ramen and when Iruka niisan takes me to Ichiraku Ramen! My least favourite thing is when cup ramen takes too long to cook, and when Grandma doesn't let me eat ramen for breakfast, lunch and dinner - which is every day. My hobbies include pulling pranks on the Policemen - for some reason they just think it's funny. And I love hanging out with my friends and fishing with my Grandpa and stu-" he stops, shakes his head and finishes but saying, "my dream for the future is to be the Strongest Hokage who ever lived so I can earn the village's respect so they'll stop treating me like dirt!"

Kakashi wonders what Naruto was going to say. Studying fuuinjutsu, perhaps? Is Naruto planning to use that crappy profile and his test scores to his advantage, only revealing his fuinjutsu during the actual test? That had to be Iruka's idea. Only someone who had actually done a jounin's test could see the benefits of doing such a thing. Deciding to wait and see what Naruto is up to, Kakashi says, "Cool, now it's your turn girly."

The Uchiha girl frowns at him, she obviously does not like being called 'girly'. "My name is Sasuke Uchiha," the girl begins.

Sasuke? Isn't Itachi's little sister named Sasuke?

"I like training with my big sister," she continues, staring straight ahead, a frown on her face and a slight blush on her cheeks. "But I don't like it when she runs off with Shisui."

Definitely Itachi's sister. It seems someone is jealous of her big sister's boyfriend.

"My dream is to get a kitten," continues Sasuke. "And to awaken my sharingan. My hobbies are reading and training."

 _Well, I guess all we need is for one to be obsessed with the rules and have a tragic backstory, and for two of them to hate eachother's guts._ Kakashi wishes the Hokage was there so he could punch him. Instead he says, "Well now that we all know each other, we can get down to business. Formal training begins tomorrow." By the determined looks on the three genins' faces, they all know what is coming. Kakashi continues; "Tomorrow you will be doing survival training."

"Survival training?" questions Madoka. "But we already did that at the Academy."

"I know," says Kakashi, oozing seriousness. "But this time you will be surviving against me."

Naruto looks scared and Madoka looks surprised. Sasuke does not move.

"Just so you know," says Kakashi, deliberately trying to scare them. "The test we will be doing tomorrow has a 66% failure rate. Sometimes more pass, sometimes less. But know this: out of all the 27 students from your graduating class only nine are likely to pass and become full fledged genin. The rest will go back to the Academy to try again some other time."

"Oh so that's where the extra students came from," says Madoka, nodding. "They failed last year."

"Exactly. Anyway; we will meet tomorrow morning on training ground seven so I can assess your skills and weaknesses. Bring all your tools and weapons. Oh, and don't have any breakfast unless you enjoy throwing up."

"How hard is this test going to be?" demands Madoka.

"The details are in this handout," says Kakashi, taking out the handouts he prepared with misleading details on them, but also a hidden message that explains the test if uncovered. "Memorize these instructions and don't be late!"

* * *

The next morning, Kakashi sensei arrives two hours after the rest of Team Seven. "Hey, kids!" he greets them with a wave.

"You're late!" Madoka and Naruto say accusingly.

"No I'm not," says Kakashi sensei. "I said we'd meet in the morning and it's still morning."

The genins looked stumped at that.

Kakashi gets on with the test. He pulls out an alarm clock and sets it down on a tree stump. "I've set this alarm to go off at noon," he tells his students. Then he holds up two bells and says, "See these bells? Your task is to take them from me before the timer goes off. If you don't get a bell, you don't get lunch. Instead you will be tied to one of those training posts and forced to watch me eat my lunch."

"So that's why you told us not to have breakfast!' realizes Naruto. "Boy am I glad Grandma made me eat breakfast this morning!"

Madoka shrugs. "I had breakfast because of nutrition."

Sasuke mutters, "Mum made me have breakfast."

"Well, you're smarter than other teams who have taken my test," smiles Kakashi sensei. "I think I'm starting to like you guys." Then he gets serious again. "However, there aren't enough bells for everybody, so someone is skipping lunch. And another thing: if you don't get a bell you fail the test and get sent back to the Academy."

The three genins gulp nervously.

"Only two of you can pass. If you don't want to go back to the academy, you better come at me as if you mean to kill or you will not get a bell."

"But that's dangerous!" protests Madoka. "Someone could get hurt!"

"I don't care," says Naruto. "I'm getting one of those bells."

"Well then," says Kakashi sensei. "Ready? Steady… GO!"


	33. The Bell Test

_This is completely different to what the handout said!_ Madoka panics as he finds a hiding place. _Something is wrong! The handout said we pass or fail as a team! I need to find the others - maybe one of them remembers something I do not._ Madoka sneaks through the forestry in search of his teammates. He finds Sasuke first, and climbs up Sasuke's tree to perch beside her.

"Did you notice the test we've been given is different to the one outlined on the handout he gave us?" Madoka whispers.

"Yes," whispers Sasuke.

"There was nothing about this," Madoka whispers. "I could have sworn the handout said we would pass or fail as a team."

"Mine didn't say that!" whispers Sasuke, surprised.

"What did yours say?" asks Madoka earnestly. He is getting to the bottom of this. "How much of it can you remember? Did you memorize it?"

Sasuke nods and recites the contents of her handout. It is different to Madoka's; it does not even outline the same test. However, one thing is similar: at one point it mentions that teamwork is one of skills they are being tested on.

"Your handout was completely different to mine," whispers Madoka. "We need to find Naruto and ask him what his said. I think there might be some sort of hidden message in there."

"Shouldn't we be getting the bells, not discussing the handout?" asks Sasuke. "I want to pass this test."

"So do I," whispers Madoka. "But I have a funny feeling Kakashi sensei didn't tell us everything we need to know, and the handouts hold the answer."

"Fine," mutters Sasuke. "But if you're wrong I'm kicking Kakashi's smug ass by myself."

"So what's the plan, comrades?" asks Naruto, dropping down beside them. "There's no way any of us could take down a jounin within the timelimit alone. We have to work together if we all want to pass the test. That's like, the only thing I remember from the handout, dattebayo."

"I'm going to make a rather small leap and say yours was different to both ours," says Madoka. "But they all have one thing in common: we need to work together and get those bells. Once we have them we'll fight over who gets them."

"We could always decide by paper-scissors-rock," suggests Naruto.

"I'll come up with a plan as to what to do later," says Madoka. "In the meantime, let's plan our attack. First things first: Sasuke, what can you do that is loud and flashy?"

"I can make giant fireballs," says Sasuke.

"Nice." Madoka is genuinely impressed. "What about you, Naruto?"

"I can cause earthquakes and summon shinigami," says Naruto seriously. "But I'm not allowed to summon any unless I need them at the moment."

"We won't need any shinigami," says Madoka, wondering what kind of freaks he got saddled with. "But an earthquake would be great. So, here's what I'm thinking we should do…"

* * *

Wind sits at the top of a tree in training ground seven, munching on a stick of dango. Below her, Rain is similarly occupied with his own dango. Both of them are eating with their masks still in place, a skill born from long years of practice. The pair heard that Kakashi Hatake is putting another poor set of genin through the bell test and wanted to watch. They watched the last two times Kakashi terrorized a team of genin after their informant in the Leaf told them it would be funny to watch. Now they tune in every year.

"It looks like the genins are finished planning," says Rain. "Shall we follow them?"

"Sure, but we better not get too close - we don't want to interfere." Wind stands and heads off after the little genins.

Rain follows, flanking the genins on the opposite side to Wind. Soon they reach the small clearing by the lake, where Kakashi is waiting for his genins to make a move. He is standing nonchalantly reading an orange book entitled 'Make Out Paradise'.

The three genins fan out, surrounding Kakashi. Kakashi continues to read.

"This lot are working together," whispers Wind. "That gets them half a pass already. They just need to keep up their momentum and get the bells now."

"This is gonna be good." Rain settles into a more comfortable position to watch the fight.

Naruto runs out of the trees and charges Kakashi head-on. Kakashi simply steps out of his way without even looking up from his book. Naruto tries unsuccessfully to try and land a punch or kick on Kakashi, but it is obvious his taijutsu is too sloppy to breach the jounin's sharp defences.

"Hey stop reading and pay attention to me!" yells Naruto after a few frustrated minutes. "Ignoring your opponent is rude!"

"But I want to know how the story ends," complains Kakashi. "And I can dodge you fine while reading."

"Arrgh!" Naruto growls in anger and tries to punch Kakashi again.

Kakashi crouches down to duck the punch and says, "You're too sloppy. Stop turning your back to me. That's a dangerous thing to do in combat."

Naruto charges Kakashi head-on, but Kakashi steps out of the way, ending up behind Naruto. Crouching down, Kakashi says; "You left your back unprotected. Now I have a move to show you."

"Is that the Tiger Seal?" asks Rain, leaning forward to get a better look at the seal Kakashi is making around the book sandwiched between his hands.

"Leaf Hidden Finger Jutsu:" says Kakashi, pulling back his hands and driving them forward again, straight into Naruto's backside, sending the boy flying. "ONE THOUSAND YEARS OF DEATH!" Naruto lands headfirst in the lake with an almighty splash.

Rain nearly falls of his branch in an effort to keep his laughter quiet.

As a bedraggled Naruto is pulling himself out of the lake, Sasuke steps out confidently to face Kakashi. "How about you let someone who is actually competent handle this, Naruto!" Sasuke says with a grin.

"Hey!" Naruto protests.

Sasuke flows easily into a taijutsu stance that Wind and Rain can easily see is miles better than Naruto's. "How about you put down that book and fight properly, _sensei_ ," Sasuke grins patronizingly.

Kakashi does not even look up. "If you can make me put down my book I might."

Sasuke scowls in annoyance, pulls out a few shuriken and throws them at Kakashi. Kakashi catches them on his fingers without even looking up. "Grrr!" Sasuke does not sound happy. She starts making handsigns.

"Is that the -" Rain leans forward in excitement as a giant fireball erupts across the training field. "-Grand Fireball Technique. Wow, that's one talented little girl."

Sasuke is looking around, trying to locate Kakashi, who vanished under cover of the fireball. Kakashi appears behind Sasuke, who spins around, aiming a kick at Kakashi's head.

Kakashi, whose book is nowhere to be seen, blocks the kick easily. "You need to calm down Sasuke. Fighting while angry puts you at a disadvantage. You make mistakes when you're angry."

"Just shut up and fight me!" growls Sasuke, attacking in earnest.

Down below Rain and Wind, Madoka is creeping closer to Kakashi. Nearby Naruto is drawing a seal on a slip of paper. Apparently finished, Naruto activates the seal. The ground begins to shake and rumble, throwing Sasuke and Kakashi off balance. Madoka makes a break for the clearing, probably to retrieve the bells, but Kakashi recovers his balance and leaps into a nearby tree. The earthquake stops, leaving Madoka crouched at the edge of the clearing, just out of sight, and Sasuke struggling to regain her balance in the clearing.

"Looks like their plan didn't work," whispers Wind. "What _will_ they do now?"

Naruto runs out of the trees and throws a volley of shuriken at Kakashi. Kakashi vanishes and reappears behind Naruto. "Back for more, are we?" he asks.

"Well I want a bell!" snaps Naruto, turning and attacking Kakashi.

Sasuke joins the fray, but the two genins have no co ordination and quickly end up tripping over each other. The pair glare at each other and continue their attack. Kakashi takes the whole thing in his stride: a blocked kick here, a dodged punch there, a yawn on the side. Madoka creeps closer, looking for an opportunity to steal a bell or two.

"They're running out of time," Rain whispers, looking at his watch.

"I do not think Kakashi has noticed Madoka yet," replies Wind. "He knows the boy is there, obviously, but he has not noticed what Madoka is up to." Then she leans forward slightly. "What is Madoka up to?"

Wind and Rain watch Madoka for a few minutes as the boy creeps around Kakashi, Naruto and Sasuke. Eventually, the pair get bored of watching Madoka and go back to watching Kakashi lazily avoid getting caught between two fists. The two fists, one belonging to Sasuke and one belonging to Naruto, each collide with the face of the other genin.

"Kakashi just has to get out of the way and those two beat eachother up!" giggles Wind.

"They better hurry, they have only a minute left," says Rain.

Naruto and Sasuke both make a grab for the bells, but end up bashing their foreheads together.

"30 seconds…"

Kakashi steps out of the way of a frustrated kick from Sasuke and ducks a punch from Naruto.

"15 seconds…"

"Where did Madoka go?" asks Rain.

"10 seconds…" Wind continues her countdown.

Sasuke leaps forward, touches a bell and is pushed back by a well placed jab from Kakashi's elbow. Naruto dives at the bells from the opposite direction, but Kakashi moves out of the way.

"...3, 2, 1," Wind's countdown ends. "Time's up."


	34. If You Can't Beat it, Break it

Kakashi is getting a bit bored of Naruto and Sasuke's half-assed attempt at getting the bells. Where is Madoka, he wonders half-heartedly. The alarm is about to go off, and the boy is nowhere to be seen. Kakashi mentally counts down to when the alarm will go off. It does not go off right away, and Kakashi thinks he must have misjudged the time by a minute or two. Shrugging, Kakashi waits a little longer. It's not like the two genin trying to attack him will do any damage while they are tripping over each other.

"Gaah! We're almost out of time!" growls Naruto. "Come on, Sasuke! We need to work together!"

 _That's right,_ Kakashi smiles under his mask. _Someone gets it._

"It's not my fault you keep getting in my way, idiot!" snaps Sasuke.

"You get in mine too!" complains Naruto.

Kakashi decides to up the stakes for the last few seconds of the test and attacks the two arguing genin with some taijutsu. The two genin turn and focus their attention on Kakashi. For some reason, the pair start working in sync. Kakashi is mildly impressed. After one failed attempt at fighting in sync, Sasuke and Naruto can now work together. That bodes well if they are ever to fight on the same team.

Kakashi feels a slight tug on his belt. He snaps around to catch the perpetrator.

Madoka grins at him, both bells in his hand. "I've got the bells!"

Kakashi is genuinely surprised. Madoka took both bells? "I guess that means you pass-" Kakashi begins what would have been a speech about teamwork.

"Cool, now that I've passed I don't need the bells anymore right?" interrupts Madoka.

"Um...yes." Kakashi is not sure what is going on, but Madoka is up to something.

"Sweet!" Madoka grins and hands a bell to Sasuke. "One for you." Then he turns and hands the other to Naruto. "And one for you. Now they have bells. There were enough to go around after all."

"Hahaha! Yes! We all got bells!" Naruto starts jumping up and down in elation. "We all get to have lunch!"

"Well, sensei?" Sasuke smirks, holding up her bell. "We all got a bell, that was the criteria. SO do we all pass?"

Kakashi's head is spinning. "Well, there is nothing in the rules about this..I guess it's okay...Yeah, you all pass. You would have passed anyway since you were all working together."

"Hah! I was right!" Madoka grins in triumph.

Something is bothering Kakashi. He walks over to where he left the alarm clock, his new team trailing behind. The alarm clock is gone. Kakashi turns to team seven. "Where is the alarm clock?" he asks patiently.

"I smashed it and threw it in the lake to buy us more time," says Madoka.

"That's cheating!" snaps Sasuke. "That wasn't in the plan!"

"It's only cheating if you get caught!" returns Madoka, crossing his arms and sniffing in disdain at the very idea that he cheated. "Otherwise it's good tactics!"

 _Well, well, well,_ thinks Kakashi, smiling under his mask. _It looks as if we have budding strategist here._ "Well, I suppose I didn't say anything about sabotaging the alarm clock, so I guess I can allow it."

"You already passed us!" says Naruto. "No take-backsies!"

"I'll do a take-backsie if I want to," growls Kakashi intimidatingly. "And speaking of which, I'd like my bells back." he holds out his hand, and the two genins shrug and give him their bells.

* * *

Up in the trees near the newly officiated Team Seven, Wind and Rain are hanging on for dear life. Hanging on to their stomachs, that is. Laughing silently hurts like nobody's business. Once Team Seven is well out of hearing range, Rain and Wind let their laughter burst out in a loud torrent of helpless chortles, giggles and howls of amusement. Both of them fall out of their tree and end up rolling around on the ground, oblivious to the bruises they gained from the fall.

After a good amount of time, the pair manage to control their laughter. They get up off the grass and dust themselves off.

"Those kids broke that test," comments Rain, through a last lingering giggle.

"They did," agrees Wind. "Well, now that we're finished here, shall we go home?"

"Yes, let's," agrees Rain, and uses one of his jutsu to get them there much faster than they could have walked.

When they arrive in the Hidden Rain, Wind and Rain report to Yahiko and head to their apartment. Once there, Wind and Rain take off their cloaks and masks. Stretching out their sore muscles, Wind and Rain head into their apartment.

At the sound of their footsteps, a small boy runs up to them, arms outstretched. "Mummy! Daddy!" the child yells joyously.

Wind picks the toddler up and lifts him into the air. The boy laughs happily.

* * *

After having their team photo taken, The three genins of Team Seven head their separate ways to tell their respective families they passed the jounin's test. Naruto crashes through his front door, yelling for his grandparents.

"Grandma! Grandpa!" Naruto calls, running through the house, looking for them.

Grandma emerges from the laundry with a basket of wet, but clean clothes in her hands. "What happened?" she asks. "Did you pass?"

"Yes!" Naruto shouts, throwing his arms in the air. "I'm a real ninja now!"

"Eh? A real ninja?" Grandpa pokes his head through the living room doorway. "So what were you before?"

"An applicant apparently," shrugs Naruto. "But I'm a real ninja now! Where's Iruka niisan?"

"He went to talk to the Hokage, or something," says Grandma, heading outside to hang the clothes on the washing line.

Naruto runs off to find Iruka niisan and tell him the news.

* * *

Madoka bursts through the front door of his house and runs to find his parents. He wonders if they will even be home. Civilians have regular jobs, after all. Madoka finds his mother outside, weeding their small flower garden.

"How did it go?" asks Madoka's mother, looking up from her weeding.

"I passed!" grins Madoka. "Sensei seemed surprised when we outsmarted him, but he passed us even though I technically cheated."

"You CHEATED!?"

* * *

When Sasuke arrives home, Itachi is sitting on the veranda with their one year old brother sitting on her lap. When he sees Sasuke, Eizo-Mori stops chewing on his teething ring and laughs, waving his hands towards Sasuke.

"Looks like Eizo-chan wants you to hold him," grins Itachi.

"Well I'm busy," says Sasuke, crossing her arms to eliminate the possibility of having the baby forced upon her.

"You sure?" asks Itachi. "You hardly ever hold him."

"I'm sure," says Sasuke who, in fact, has never held her brother.

"How did your test go?" asks Itachi

"We passed." Sasuke marches past her siblings and heads inside to find her mother.

* * *

"Lord Third, they didn't just pass the Bell Test - they broke it!" Kakashi whines to the Third Hokage.

"It sounds to me like they totally shattered it," sighs Lord Third. "Totally and utterly shattered it."

"I...I don't even know how they did all that without breaking the rules!" Kakashi whine mournfully. "There are no rules against what they did, but it was still cheating!"

"It sounds like they broke your brain as well as the test," comments Lord Third sarcastically.

"Why?!"

"I would never usually do this," says Lord Third, getting up from his desk. "But even I need to forget this for a while." he motions Kakashi to follow him and heads out of the Hokage tower.

* * *

Iruka is nearly knocked off his feet when he is hit by a flying Naruto cannonball. "Iruka niisan I passed! I passed! I'm a real ninja now!"

"Cool," says Iruka. "But how did you pass Kakashi's test? Only three other teams in the History of the Hidden Leaf have passed that test."

"Really? It was easy," Naruto says, scratching his head in confusion. "Once Madoka figured out we were supposed to work together that's what we did. And when we nearly ran out of time, Madoka threw the alarm clock in the lake. Then he stole both bells and passed, then gave the bells to me and Sasuke."

"Naruto!" Hinata yells, running up to Naruto and Iruka. "My team passed!"

"So did mine!" Naruto yells, jumping up and down in excitement.

"Cool, so did we," Shikamaru adds, sauntering up to them with Choji in tow.

"We're all real ninjas now!" Naruto yells, throwing his hands in the air.

"Troublesome," mutters Shikamaru.

* * *

Late that evening, Might Gai bursts into a sake bar and marches up to the Hokage and Kakashi who are slumped over a table. Both have a sake cup in their hand and a bunch of empty bottles lying next to them.

"Kakashi, my Youthful Rival," says Gai, pulling Kakashi out of his chair. "I think you have had enough sake for one day."

"They broke the test…" Kakashi mutters through his liquor-induced stupor.

"Never mind, they were just proving their Youthful Enthusiasm," Gai says sympathetically in his booming voice. Gai hoists Kakashi over his shoulder and scoops up the Hokage. Then he carries them out of the Sake bar and drops them off at their respective homes.

* * *

 **AN:** Dracorat, credit for Eizo-Mori's name goes to you. So does the idea of giving Fugaku and Mikoto a third kid, although they actually want one in cannon, interestingly enough.


	35. Konohamaru Sarutobi

Naruto digs around the bottom of his closet, searching for the box he keeps the things he is not supposed to have in. When he finds it, Naruto drags the box out and opens it. The box is actually the orange box from the prank-kit Hinata gave Naruto for his sixth birthday. Now days he keeps his pranking supplies seal in scrolls. Naruto dusts off the box and opens it. He hasn't really thought about it much over the last few years. It's not that he forgot about this stuff, it's more that he hasn't felt the desire to pull it out of the cupboard since his grandparents arrived. And, coupled with the fact that Naruto couldn't even get at the box during his floating stint, the whole thing was pushed to the back of his mind.

But now, for some reason, Naruto feels like pulling the stuff out and looking at it again. Carefully Naruto pulls out the Fourth Hokage's cloak and unfolds it, looking at the kanji on the back. Last time Naruto took out the cloak, he could not read the kanji. Now he is pleased to realize that he can read every single one.

Smiling, Naruto lays the cloak across his lap and pulls out his father's old white jacket. Naruto smiles, remembering how Iruka niisan wore the jacket to the chunin exams. Naruto puts the jacket on and hugs the cloak to his chest. Naruto takes the last item out of the box. It is the scarf his mother made for him. The scarf was in the box when he started floating, and he never retrieved it, wanting to keep it safe. Naruto winds it around his neck, even though the weather is warm.

"Mum, Dad…" Naruto whispers happily. "I'm a shinobi now. I'm gonna make you proud and become the Hokage!"

Naruto gets up from his kneeling position on the floor and heads over to the shelf where he keeps his school text books. He takes the Whirlpool History book off the shelf and goes back to the orange box. Carefully, Naruto folds up his mother's scarf and places it carefully in the box. Then he takes off his father's jacket, folds it carefully and puts it beside the scarf. The cloak goes in next, followed by the Whirlpool book, which Naruto nestles on top where it will be comfortable. He knows most of the book by heart anyway.

"I wish I had a picture of them," Naruto sighs. Lord Third never did give Naruto's grandparents his parent's stuff. That's right! Naruto had planned to steal the photo album! Well, there's no time like the present!

Naruto grins mischievously.

* * *

Naruto sneaks into the Hokage's house, confident that he will find what he wants undiscovered. Naruto sneaks into the room where Lord Third keeps all those boxes of stuff without being detected. Naruto quickly locates the appropriate box and retrieves the photo album. Then he seals it into the lining of his jacket and puts everything else back the way he found it. Then Naruto sneaks out of the room, looking left and right before sneaking down the hallway. Naruto sneaks down the hallway before freezing in his tracks when he hears voices. One of them he recognizes.

What's Mizuki sensei doing at the Hokage's house? Naruto decides to investigate.

He sneaks down the hall and pokes his head around the living room doorway, where the voices originate. Naruto peeks suspiciously around the door frame to see nine masked and cloaked people standing around a small boy wearing a long blue scarf. One of the cloaked people has large scroll tied to his back.

"You put that back!" the little boy is shouting. "That belongs to my grandpa!"

"What do we do with this little runt?" sneers one of the masked guys.

"Kill him," says the one with the scroll.

"Are you sure? He's just a kid!"

"If you don't have the guts, I will!" The one with the scroll steps forward.

Naruto realizes suddenly that the one with the scroll is Mizuki sensei. Since when was Mizuki sensei evil?

Naruto decides it's time for him to take action! He steps forward and says, "Leave that little kid alone, you bastard!"

"Get lost, runt!" sneers Mizuki sensei. "Or I'll kill you!"

"Um, Boss?" one of Mizuki's henchmen says nervously. "You can't kill him incase…"

"Shh!" growls another of the henchmen, clapping a hand over the other guy's mouth. "You know it's forbidden to talk about that!"

"That doesn't bother me!" boasts Mizuki. "I'll kill the little punk anyway. Give me your best shot, kid!"

"Right!" Naruto cracks his knuckles. "Here's your favourite! Sexy Jutsu!" Naruto transforms into a naked hot babe with long blonde pigtails - just the way perverts like their girls.

Mizuki sensei gets a massive nosebleed like Naruto knew he would and passes out cold.

His henchmen just stare in confusion and slight disgust. Then one of them, a woman judging by the shape of her chest, says, "Grab the boss, we're leaving before anything else happens."

"Right!" One of the men picks up Mizuki and tosses him over his shoulder. The group leaves so fast Naruto is reminded of Uchihas running from his threats to draw mustaches on their faces.

"That was so cool!" crows the little kid, grinning up at Naruto with big, shiny eyes. "Can you teach me that awesome move?"

Trying to act cool and aloof, Naruto rubs the bottom of his nose with one finger, and says, "What makes you worthy of my tutor-ship?"

The kid glares up at him. "I'm the Third Hokage's Grandson! I'll get him to make you teach me! Anyway, I want to learn that move so I can beat him with it and claim the title of Hokage!"

Naruto hits the kid over the head. "Stupid brat! That's not how you become the Hokage! You become the Hokage when everyone recognizes your strength and wisdom and respects you for it, then appoints you Hokage!"

"Don't hit me!" the kid yells back. "I'm the Hokage's grandson!"

Naruto's eyebrow twitches and he hits the kid over the head again. "I don't care if he's your Grandmother! Don't use his status for your benefit!"

The kid rubs his head and glares up at Naruto. Then he asks again, "Are you going to teach me that jutsu or not?"

Naruto considers this. "Fine, kid. But you are not allowed to teach it to anyone else!"

"My name is Konohamaru!" the kid snaps.

"So what? Mine's Naruto. Now let's learn that jutsu!"

* * *

 **** **"** **No, Konohamaru! Thinner!" Naruto orders as Konohamaru tries the sexy jutsu yet again. "Taller! Give her a bigger bust! That's more like it! Now give a little wink and blow a kiss! There we go, that's what a sexy jutsu should be like! Now do it again!"**

Konohamaru transforms again, and this time he gets it right on the first try.

"HOW DARE YOU INVOLVE YOURSELF IN SUCH VULGAR BEHAVIOUR!"

Naruto and Konohamaru turn guiltily to the angry man striding towards them.

"Oh no, it's my tutor Ebisu sensei!" Konohamaru whines.

Ebisu storms up to the two boys, but stops in his tracks when he sees Naruto. The look he gives Naruto is one Naruto knows all too well.

"Honoured Grandson," says Ebisu in a very lecturey voice. "If you consort with this kind of...vulgar _person_ you will never be Hokage. You must follow my teachings-"

"Let's take him together," says Naruto. "On three: One, Two, Three, Sexy Jutsu!" Both boys transform into their best sexy jutsu forms.

"GAAAH!" Ebisu holds out for as long as he can, but once Naruto and Konohamaru start cuddling up to him, he suffers a bleeding nose and passes out from sensory overload.

"Wow, this jutsu is really effective!" crows Konohamaru, dropping the transformation. "I'm definitely going to use it to beat the old man and become Hokage!"

"What's your problem with the Hokage?" asks Naruto.

"My Grandpa named me 'Konohamaru' after the village, but no one ever calls me by my name, even though they know it!" whines Konohamaru. "As far as they care, I'm just 'The Hokage's Grandson'! I want them to acknowledge me for who I am, and not who my grandpa is - that's why I want to be Hokage!"

"That's too bad," sneers Naruto. "Because I'm going to be Hokage! If you want to be the Hokage, I'm afraid you're gonna have to go through me first!"

"But I want to be Hokage!" Protests Konohamaru. "And I want to be Hokage RIGHT NOW!"

"Don't be so stupid!" counters Naruto. "You can't be the Hokage unless you earn the title! The title of Hokage comes with a lot of respect and honour! What makes you think anyone would want a whiny brat like you as Hokage? You want everything right now, like it's your right! But let me tell you: if you want to be Hokage you have to work for it! It will take years, but there is no other way, except to work hard and do your best! Once people know you and respect you then they will appoint you Hokage! It's a great honour to be named Hokage, not something you can just have because you want it!"

Konohamaru stares up at Naruto.

"You think you're the only one who has to fight for recognition?" continues Naruto. He is on a roll. "I had to fight my whole life! Even your teacher gave me that disgusted look everyone except my family and friends give me! My friend Shisui told me once that his whole clan has to fight every day just to be accepted in the village they helped found, but thanks to me and Hinata, they are friends with more people every day - dunno what we did, but that's not the point! The point is: if everyone else works so hard towards their goals then why should you be any different?!" Naruto turns away from Konohamaru and finishes by saying, "Do you get it? There are no shortcuts in life!"

There is a brief silence before Konohamaru yells, "Don't order me around and lecture me like that! You're nothing special!"

"Neither are you...yet, Konohamaru." Feeling his work there is done, Naruto walks off like a boss, leaving Konohamaru to his own thoughts.


	36. Shinobi Geography

"Target aquired, sensei!" Sasuke reports through her headset.

"Confirm a ribbon on the target's left ear that reads 'Tora'," orders Kakashi sensei.

"Confirmed," says Sasuke, taking her time because watching Naruto get scratched by the angry kitty is funny.

Team Seven reconvenes with Kakashi and heads to the Kage tower to deliver the retrieved pet. The cat's owner, the Daimyo of the Land of Fire's wife, squeezes the ever-living daylights out of poor Tora once the cat is back in her possession. Sasuke makes a mental note to let the cat get away next time. And she is sure there will be a next time. When Sasuke finally gets her own kitty, she is not going to treat it like that.

"Here's the payment for your mission," a random desk-worker hands kakashi their team's cut of the fee.

Sasuke wonders if her parents will make her invest it in the bank or if she will be allowed to do whatever she wants with it.

"Now, Team Seven," says the Hokage, clearing his throat to get their attention. "There is an old lady who wants help with her groceries-"

"And her dog too," mutters Naruto. "We did that one last week."

"Shh! It might be a different old lady," whispers Kakashi.

"It's the same one," smiles the Hokage. "I see you remember her. She will be pleased. You did such a wonderful job last time that she specifically requested you."

"Lord Hokage, can we please do something more exciting?" asks Naruto.

"You do not qualify for any mission above D Rank, I'm afraid," says the Hokage. "You need to get more experience before you can do C Rank missions."

Sasuke sighs, resigning herself to her fate. She is vaguely aware of Naruto groaning in defeat and Madoka pulling a face. Kakashi looks at the three genins and then turns back to the Hokage. "Lord Hokage," says Kakashi. "Might we have a C Rank? I know it seems a little premature, but I'm just as bored as they are."

"Please Grandpa Hokage?" adds Naruto. "I don't even care if it's the easiest C Rank - anything will do!"

"Alright," agrees the Hokage. "We do have a bridge builder who wants an escort home."

"That'll do nicely," agrees Kakashi instantly.

"Good, send the client in," orders the Hokage.

The man who walks in looks to Sasuke like the typical middle-aged drunks her dad drags into the police station every night. Except he is only half finished the bottle of alcohol in his hand, and therefore is nowhere near as drunk as the drunks Sasuke usually sees getting dragged into the police station to sleep it off.

The drunk stares at Team Seven in annoyance and disbelief. "Are you serious? These three little kids are ninjas? Seriously, how old is the midget? Ten?"

"Oh he is twelve," says The Hokage. "There was an incident when he was little that set his growth back quite a bit."

"Whaddaya mean: when he was little? He's still little!" grumbles the drunk.

"That's not very nice!" protests Naruto, offended.

"Ignore him, he's drunk," whispers Sasuke to Naruto, too shy to say it louder, but too spiteful of the rude drunk to not say it.

"Oh, right, he's drunk and disorderly, as your dad would say," giggles Naruto

Sasuke bristles indignantly. Why is Naruto so friendly with Sasuke's dad, when she can hardly hold a conversation with the man? How come everyone in the clan likes Naruto so much, anyway? It's like how they dote on The Little Brother…

"What did you say, midget?" demands the drunk, getting right up in Naruto's face.

"Sasuke said it first!" accuses Naruto, pointing accusingly at Sasuke.

"Sasuke?" says the drunk. "Doesn't your father know any girl's names?"

Sasuke blushes and looks down at the floor.

"Shall we get on with the mission?" Kakashi interrupts, all crisp and professional.

* * *

"Woho! Road Trip!" Naruto yells, bouncing up and down excitedly as Team Seven assembles at the Gates of Konoha to escort the bridge builder Tazuna to the Land of Waves.

Madoka is surprised when Iruka sensei turns up, but what surprises him even more is that Iruka sensei completely ignores Sasuke and Madoka, who were in his Academy class and heads straight to Naruto. There are two old people who look like they are in their sixties with him. The man has glasses and the woman has a phoenix sitting on her shoulder.

"Naruto, you forgot Sparky!" the woman says, transferring the fiery bird to Naruto's shoulder.

"But what if Sparky gets lost or…" Naruto starts to protest.

"Take Sparky," says the man firmly. "He only listens to you - he'd probably only go after you once he realized you'd gone out of the village anyway. Remember what happened when Hinata left the village for a few days?"

"Sparkles followed her," says Naruto in a defeated tone. "You're right, I better take Sparky."

"Naruto," says Iruka sensei seriously. "Remember what I said about the final test?"

"Yes?" Naruto sounds unsure.

"That rule still applies for this mission."

"Oh." Naruto seems very sad. "But what if I need help with fuuinjutsu?"

"Asks Kakashi," says Iruka. "He knows more than your average Leaf Ninja."

"Why me?" asks Kakashi sensei, pointing to himself with a look of genuine confusion on his face.

"Because you are currently in charge of Naruto's education," grins Iruka a little too cruelly. "Have fun!"

Kakashi sensei just stares at Iruka sensei with a 'seriously dude?' expression on the part of his face Madoka an actually see.

"Yeah, good luck with that," adds the old lady.

The old man is grinning like he is in on a joke that he is unaware everybody else is privy to. "Have fun on your mission, Naruto," the man says, a slightly ditzy expression on his (still grinning) face.

"I will, Grandpa!" Naruto grins back, his grin identical except mischievous instead of ditzy.

 _So the old man is Naruto's Grandpa_ , Madoka muses. _Then the old lady must be his Grandma._

Unknowingly confirming Madoka's guess, the old Lady sternly tells Kakashi, "You make sure Naruto brushes his hair. He has an unfortunate habit of forgetting."

"What do you think I am, a baby-sitter?" demands Kakashi sensei. "Come on, guys, we're leaving."

"'Bout time," grumbles Tazuna. "I have a bridge to build, remember?"

"Oh, that's right we're supposed to be guarding that little crap-head," Naruto grumbles.

"Naruto watch your mouth!" snaps Iruka sensei.

"Yes, niisan," Naruto says automatically.

Kakashi sensei and Tazuna have already started walking away. Madoka grabs Naruto by the collar and drags him after them, saying, "Come on, Naruto!"

"Oh, hi Madoka," says Iruka sensei, as if he literally just noticed Madoka is there. "Oh, you're here too, Sasuke. Have fun escorting the obviously lying bridge-builder. And watch out for rogue ninjas."

"But it's a C mission," says Madoka. "We won't meet any rogue ninjas!"

"Of course you won't," nods Iruka reasonably. "Look out for assassins."

"Don't worry, Iruka niisan!" Naruto calls back cheerfully. "If we meet any assassins I'll make sure I ask who hired them!"

"Maybe they'll meet your girlfriend," teases Naruto's Grandpa, nudging Iruka sensei with his elbow.

Madoka glances back to see Iruka sensei turning bright red. Does Iruka sensei have a crush on an assassin? It would explain why he's still single…

Madoka releases Naruto from his grasp and hurries to catch up with Kakashi sensei and Tazuna. Sasuke and Naruto follow closely behind. "Hey Tazuna, you're from the Land of Waves, right? Aren't there any nina there?"

"No, Madoka," Kakashi sensei replies. "Most lands have their own villages, but the land of waves never had its own because it was essentially sandwiched between the Hidden Whirlpool and the Hidden Leaf, and thus had no need for shinobi of its own due to peace treaties with those two villages."

"But the Hidden Whirlpool was destroyed, and now the Land of Waves is stuck between the Mist and the Leaf," Naruto adds. "So if we run into any foreign ninjas, they will be Mist, right Kakashi sensei?"

"Exactly right," nods Kakashi sensei. "However, there is more to it than that. In the nations where there are shinobi villages, the government and the shinobi hold equal status. As a result, the larger and more prosperous the country, the larger the shinobi - or 'Hidden' - village. Small island nations like the Wave are not considered practical bases for a shinobi village, nor would such a small nation be able to support one.

"The five biggest shinobi villages are the Hidden Stone in the Land of Earth, the Hidden Sand in the Land of Wind, the Hidden Leaf in the Land of Fire, the Hidden Cloud in the Land of Lightning and the Hidden Mist in the Land of Mist and Fog. These five villages and their nations are known as the Five Great Shinobi Nations. They are the only lands in which the shinobi leaders call themselves Kage, or shadow: in the Land of Earth is the Tsuchikage, in the Land of Wind is the Kazekage, in the Land of Fire is the Hokage, in the land of Lightning is the Raikage and in the Land of Mist and Fog is the Mizukage. They are the supreme commanders of thousands of Shinobi across their own nations and the nations allied with them."

"Are you kidding me?" grumbles Madoka. "Lord Third can't be that great. He's just an old fart who loves lecturing us."

"Make no mistake, in a fight between Lord Third and any of the Current Kage, Lord Hokage would win over all of them," says Kakashi. "Just maybe not if he fought them all at the same time. The only time when all four of the other shinobi nations teamed up was when they wiped out the Hidden Whirlpool. It took three quarters of their forces to destroy the Whirlpool while the other third held back the Leaf's rescue army. Barely any of the Whirlpool citizens survived."

"That seems a bit far-fetched," mutters Madoka.

"Ask Karin's mum," says Naruto. "Or Iruka sensei. They survived the destruction of the Whirlpool."

Madoka skirts around a puddle as he replies, "What about your parents? You're an Uzumaki, aren't you?"

"Naruto's parentage is an S Rank secret," says Kakashi sensei, halting in the middle of the path.

Madoka turns around to see two foreign shinobi rise out of the puddle he just passed. The two shinobi throw chains around Kakashi, and before anyone can react, they slice him into pieces. The pieces of Kakashi sensei fall to the ground, kicking up a lot of dust clouds.

Then the two foreign shinobi turn their attention to Madoka and his teammates.


	37. A Wet Battle

"Sensei!" Naruto yells, horrified. How could Kakashi sensei be taken out so easily?

"Hehehe," one of the enemy shinobi is laughing gleefully.

Naruto turns to see the two enemy ninjas flying through the air, heading straight for him. Frozen to the spot, Naruto just watches as the two enemies land behind him, throwing one of their long chains over his head, to catch him. An instant later, Sasuke pulls out a shuriken and throws it at the chain, sending it flying towards a nearby tree. Then she sends a kunai after the shuriken, firmly attaching the chain to the tree. Sasuke leaps into the two shinobi's wrists and in one fluid motion, flips onto her hands and kicks them both in the head. The force of Sasuke's kicks pulls the chain out of the enemies' wrist guards. However, both shinobi recover from the kicks and run off in opposite directions while Sasuke drops to the ground.

Naruto is still frozen in fear as the two enemy shinobi circle around him to where Tazuna is standing with Madoka. One of them changes direction and lunges for Naruto, while the other continues towards Tazuna. Madoka shields Tazuna, a kunai in his hand. Sasuke appears beside Madoka, ready to help him defend Tazuna. Naruto tries to force his body to move, but he is too afraid and the shinobi attacks him.

Then out of nowhere, Kakashi just appears taking out the two enemy shinobi by simply grabbing one under each arm. "Sorry I didn't step in sooner," says Kakashi sensei cooly. "But I didn't think you would freeze up like that, Naruto." Then he turns to the other and adds, "Good job Sasuke, you too Madoka."

Naruto feels ashamed of himself. How could he freeze like that? Madoka was willing to use himself as a human shield and Sasuke saved Naruto like it was nothing. But Naruto was worse than useless!

"Hey!" the unexpected sound of Sasuke's voice causes Naruto to jump in fright. "What's the matter, feeling scared, chicken?"

Angry and humiliated, Naruto turns ready to fight Sasuke.

"Naruto!" snaps Kakashi sensei. "Now's not the time for fighting. Their claws were poisoned. We need to clean that wound as soon as possible. If we cut it open wider it should drain out with the blood; but for now stay as still as possible to stop the poison from spreading." Kakashi sensei dumps the two enemy shinobi on the ground and ties them to a tree. "So Tazuna," says Kakashi sensei conversationally. "We need to chat."

"Ahh…" Tazuna stares guiltily at Kakashi sensei.

"See the thing is, when I saw a puddle on the ground on a nice, hot, sunny day I got kinda suspicious," Kakashi sensei continues conversationally. "Word of advice, boys," he adds over his shoulder two the two enemy nins, "If you're going to pretend to be a puddle, do it on a rainy day. Afterall, the only time you would find a puddle on a day like this is if a couple of Mist ninjas or Rain ninjas were waiting to ambush somebody. Well, it turns out that these two were waiting to ambush one of us, but which one? I simply had to know. After all, they are rogue ninjas. The infamous chunin-level demon brothers, I could've been after anyone. So I let them attack to find out who they wanted to kill. Turns out it was Tazuna, right boys?"

"Ah, yeah," one of the rogue Mist ninjas says. "We were sent to kill the old guy, why do you ask? I mean, he has the biggest gang boss in the area after him."

"You are really talkative, aren't you?" says Kakashi sensei. "Is that why they kicked you out?"

The Shinobi wisely shuts up.

"So Tazuna, why did you request protection from bandits and highwaymen instead of rogue ninjas?" asks Kakashi sensei, as if he were speaking to a little kid. "I mean, you hired us to protect you from C-Rank threats, not B-Rank threats. Sorry, but if you're going to get attacked by shinobi, we are not contractually obligated to protect you. But if a squirrel attacks you, we're all over it."

"But you protected me this time!" protests Tazuna.

"This time I was figuring out who their target was. Next time, don't count on it."

"Since we're not qualified for this mission," says Madoka, sounding worried. "Can we quit and go back to the Leaf? We don't have the proper equipment to treat Naruto."

"Well, this is quite the complicated situation," says Kakashi sensei goodnaturedly. "On the one hand we could take on a mission that is clearly B Rank at least, probably A Rank, or we could go back the Leaf village and get that poison out of Naruto's system."

Naruto cannot stand it any more. He pulls out a kunai and stabs his hand, right where the injury is. Naruto grits his teeth and lets the blood drain out. Hopefully this gets rid of the poison. Sparky flies down from his excursion for food and starts squawking in distress at the blood dripping from Naruto's hand.

"I'm not going to stand by uselessly like that again," Naruto promises himself. "There's no need to turn back sensei," Naruto announces. "I am fit for duty!"

"Really?" says Kakashi sensei, "because it looks to me like you have a gaping hole in your hand that needs wrapping up before you pass out from blood loss."

"AHH!" Naruto screams in terror and drops his kunai. "I don't wanna bleed to death! I still have to be the Hokage!"

Sparky flies around squawking in distress.

"Calm down Naruto," Kakashi sensei says, kneeling down in front of Naruto and beginning to bandage his hand. Naruto calms down in time to see the look of surprise on Kakashi sensei's face that is only there for a brief moment. Naruto wonders what Kakashi sensei is surprised about.

Ultimately, Naruto doesn't really care what Kakashi sensei is surprised about. It probably doesn't matter anyway. Grownups find the stupidest things surprising. What Naruto is interested in right now is what it is about Kakashi sensei that is so familiar. It's something about his scent. Ah well, Naruto has plenty of time to figure it out, now that he is in no danger of bleeding to death.

* * *

"Stop whining, fatso," says Zabuza Momochi to his employer, Gato the generic evil businessman. "As soon as those leaf scum show their faces on that bridge, I'll kill them all. But I'm going to do it my way, understand? If you get all antsy, I might just kill you instead."

Gato the Generic Evil Businessman pales and takes a step back, as he should. "But the enemy hired shinobi of incredible skill! And now they they have defeated the demon brothers, they will be expecting another attack!"

"Then we will have to observe their preparations while we make our own," smiles Zabuza's apprentice Haku sweetly.

"Good plan," agrees Zabuza. "No unnecessary fighting, just a good old fashioned ass-kicking."

"But there are four of them and only two of you!" protests Gato.

"I thought I told you to stop whining," growls Zabuza, putting on his very best 'Zabuza Momochi, Demon of the Hidden Mist, Wielder of the Executioner's Blade Evil Grin'. "I am the shinobi here, not you. Now shut up before I kill you."

* * *

Team Seven sit quietly on the boat Tazuna hired to take them across the river. Thick mist surrounds them, making Madoka feel uneasy. "Is this kind of fog normal?" he asks. I can barely see a thing."

"This fog is pretty normal," says the rower. "We'll be able to see the bridge in a few minutes. Then after we've passed it we will be in the Land of Waves."

The team watches the fog for any sign of the bridge. Soon enough, a dark shape appears in the fog. As they get closer they can make out the shape of a giant bridge.

"Woah! It's huge!" Naruto shouts in surprise.

"Hey, keep it down!" snaps the rower. "From this point on we need to move as silently as possible. "I'm even going to turn my engines off and row!"

Madoka nearly bursts out laughing. He only called the rower that because the boatsman wasn't rowing.

Naruto claps both his hands over his mouth and makes an effort to keep silent. Sasuke just looks mildly annoyed. Or is that her resting face? It's hard to tell with Uchihas…

Still, muses Madoka, it would be bad if Gato caught them out on the ocean.

" _So, ah, about this 'Gato' you keep talking about…" Kakashi sensei says nervously. "He wouldn't happen to be Gato of Gato shipping and transport? The multi-billionaire who monopolises trade routes and is hailed as the richest man in the world?"_

" _Yes, he is," confirms Tazuna. "To most people, he looks like your average businessman. But underneath he is a double-crossing, contraband dealer who hires gangs of rogue shinobi to watch his back and remove threats. He takes over other companies and ends up running the countries they were based in. He never does anything unless it will bring him profit and he does not care who dies or falls into ruin as a result of his schemes."_

" _So he's a normal businessman, then?" says Kakashi. "Just with shinobi at his back instead of thugs. Nice."_

" _YOU MEAN ALL BUSINESSMEN ARE LIKE THAT?!"_

" _Just the really rich ones; there's no need to shout," Kakashi sensei says. "So how long has he been a problem in your country?"_

 _Tazuna shakes his head and Kakashi sensei. "Sorry," Tazuna says. "It's just hard to imagine there are more people out there like Gato. A year ago he came to the Land of Waves under pretence of business. It wasn't long before he had taken over our entire marine transport and shipping industry. He controls us completely - the only thing he fears is my bridge being completed. Once it is finished, we will have a means of trade that he cannot control."_

" _I see," says Madoka thoughtfully. "As the main bridge builder, you are his main target if he wants to stop the completion of the bridge."_

 _Naruto looks as if he is not quite sure what Tazuna is talking about, but Sasuke is frowning in annoyance._

" _So Gato sent those ninjas," continues Madoka, holding his chin in concentration. "What is the likelyhood of him sending more now that these ones have been defeated?"_

" _Pretty high, I'd say," Kakashi sensei says. "But I'm guessing you don't have money for a B Rank team, do you?"_

 _Tazuna shakes his head._

" _Then you better hope whoever else Gato hired is not out of our league."_

Snapping out of his flashback about the conversation they had with Tazuna after the encounter with the Demon Brothers, Madoka stares grimly towards the far shore. Hopefully they will not meet any more enemies.


	38. A Lesson on Tree Climbing

"This is my house," says Tazuna, opening the door and beckoning the four ninjas inside. "You are welcome to stay here while you are in the Land of Waves."

"I'm surprised we didn't meet any other shinobi on the way here," says Madoka, looking around at Tazuna's house with interest.

"Oh we will meet more soon enough," says Kakashi sensei.

Naruto looks up at Kakashi sensei in awe. "How do you know?" he asks.

"I have this feeling…" Kakashi sensei trails off and cheerfully says, "besides, Tazuna did say that Gato hired rogue ninjas! I doubt the Demon Brothers were the worst of them!"

A black haired woman walks briskly into the room from another part of the house. "Father!" she says, happily. "You made it back alright!" she sees the four ninjas. "Are they the ninjas you hired? They don't look very...well...threatening."

"Threatening?!" yells Naruto, waving his arms about in annoyance. "I can cause earthquakes! I don't need to look threatening!"

Kakashi sensei droops, seeming a little saddened by the woman's opinion of them. "Not threatening!" he whines. "I'm losing my edge!"

"It's my hair, isn't it?" demands Madoka, tugging on his long, pink ponytail. "Dammit, I knew there was a disadvantage I was missing!"

Sasuke sticks her bottom lip and scowles, crossing her arms in annoyance. Her big, blue velvet bow makes her look like a pouty little kid.

Sitting on Naruto's shoulder, Sparky squawks loudly.

"Exactly," agrees Naruto firmly.

Nobody says anything. Everyone just kinda looks around at each other awkwardly. Naruto opens his mouth to say something, realizes he has no idea what to say and closes it again. The silence stretches on and still no one says anything or moves.

A little boy in blue overalls and a stripy hat stomps into the house and loudly demands, "Who are all these idiots and why are you all just standing around staring at each other?"

"Inari, don't be rude," scolds Tazuna. "These people are our guests. They are shinobi, come to help us fight off Gato."

"Woah, hold up!" says Kakashi sensei, holding his hands up in a 'back off' gesture. "Is Gato a C Rank threat?"

"Well, he's not a trained fighter," says Tazuna carefully. "It's his goons that will be a real problem."

"Well, so long it's Gato that attacks you, we'll be all over it." Kakashi sensei nods several times, as if agreeing with himself.

Naruto opens his mouth to protest that Kakashi sensei is being mean, when Madoka bursts out laughing. Oh, Kakashi sensei was joking.

"Very funny," mumbles Tazuna. "Some bodyguards you are."

"Next time how about getting the appropriate level team?" suggest Kakashi patronizingly. "If you can't afford it, just explain things to the Hokage and hope for the best."

"You should all just go home," pouts Inari hostilely. "Gato's men are way too strong: you'll never beat them."

"Little boy, we beat up two of them on the way here," says Kakashi sensei.

"Yeah, but there were only two of them and four of you," spits Inari. "Even if one of you is a stupid girl."

"You take that back right now!" shouts Sasuke, angry.

"But you _are_ a stupid girl!" protests Inari. "You even have a stupid bow in your hair! What kind of ninja is _that_ girly?"

Sasuke does something Naruto does not expect. She leaps forward and punches Inari in the face. "I AM NOT STUPID, YOU LITTLE S###!"

"Sasuke!" Kakashi sensei snaps angrily. "You should know better than to hit a client, no matter how much you may want to."

Sasuke looks more embarrassed at her lack of manners than sorry she hit a client.

Tazuna sighs and says, "I suppose none of us have made very good impressions so far, have we?" He motions to his daughter, who is making sure Inari is alright. "This is my daughter Tsunami and my Grandson Inari."

Kakashi sensei tries to smile in a friendly manner, but only ends up looking creepy. "I'm Kakashi Hatake," he tells Tsunami and Inari. "These three idiots are my students, Sasuke, Naruto and Madoka."

Tsunami stands up, having confirmed that Inari is only bruised, and says, "You boys will have to share the spare room. Sasuke, you'll be in my room where I can keep an eye on you."

Naruto can tell by Sasuke's pout that she does not like that idea at all.

* * *

"Um, Kakashi sensei?" Madoka asks as team seven follows their sensei into the forest. "Why Aren't we guarding the old guy and his bridge?"

"Well, if my estimation is right, whoever tries to attack him next will be a lot stronger than the Demon Brothers," says Kakashi sensei. "So I am going to give you some training exercises to do to prepare for our next opponent.

"Are you going to teach us a cool jutsu?" asks Naruto hopefully.

"That depends on your point of view."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm going to teach you how to climb trees."

"I already know how to climb trees!"

"Ah, but this is a technique used only by ninjas."

Naruto crosses his arms. "Show me or I'll leave."

Kakashi sensei sighs and walks over to a tree. He then proceeds to simply walk up the trunk as if it were the easiest thing in the world.

Naruto is finally interested. It's not as cool as draining a river, but he is interested. "How did you do that?" he asks Kakashi sensei.

"By channelling chakra to the soles of my feet and using it to stick to the tree," explains Kakashi sensei. "This is a chakra control exercise that has many practical uses. Theoretically once you have mastered the Tree Climbing exercise, you will have the level of chakra control required to master any jutsu."

"Really?" asks Naruto, suddenly hopeful. "ANY jutsu?"

"Yes," says Kakashi sensei. "Although there's one you might want to practice indoors, just incase."

"AWESOME!" Naruto jumps up, punching his fist into the air.

"What jutsu would we need to practice indoors?" asks Madoka curiously.

"Never mind," says Kakashi. "Naruto should know what one I'm talking about."

Naruto realizes with a jolt that Kakashi sensei is talking about the gravity seal. "You mean I could actually learn to control that seal?" asks Naruto, not quite daring to believe it.

"Of course," smiles Kakashi sensei, somehow managing to look creepy again. "All you need is the chakra control, right?"

"What seal?" asks Madoka, confused. "What are you talking about?"

"Do you seriously not remember that time Naruto spent half a year floating?" asks Kakashi sensei.

"I didn't really know Naruto back then," explains Madoka. "We weren't in the same class."

Kakashi sensei sighs. "Never mind then," he says. Then he points to the trees and says, "Pick a tree each and get climbing! It's usually best to start by running at the tree to get some momentum going."

Determined to master this jutsu as fast as possible, Naruto channels as much chakra as he can into his feet and runs at the tree nearest him. He barely makes it two steps up the tree before the three sends him flying backwards. Naruto crashes to the ground.

Sasuke has a go at climbing a tree of her own selection, but does not make it much farther up her tree than Naruto got up his. "Ow," complains Sasuke, rubbing her butt as she picks herself up off the grass.

The sound of laughter floats down from a nearby tree. Naruto and Sasuke glare up at Madoka, who is sitting in the branches of his selected tree, swinging his legs and grinning at his teammates. "This exercise is easy!" he says, and walks up the rest of the tree.

Sasuke and Naruto share a look of mutual competitiveness and try to climb their trees again. Neither of them gets much higher than they did the first time before falling back onto the grass.

"Good, it seems one of you understands the exercise," says Kakashi sensei, nodding. "Madoka, you can come with me and help guard the bridge from squirrels, bandits and other assorted C Rank threats."

"Okay!" agrees Madoka, and strolls down the tree.

Kakashi sensei pulls out a couple of kunai and throws them toward Sasuke and Naruto. A normal kunai lands in front of Sasuke, but a three-pronged kunai lands in front of Naruto. Casually, Kakashi sensei says, "Use those kunai to mark how far you get up the tree each time. That way you can keep track of your progress."

Naruto picks up the three pronged kunai, not quite believing his eyes. He knows this kind of kunai, but he's never seen one. At first he is not sure it is what he thinks it is, but the Flying Thunder God Seal on the hilt declares that it is, in fact, one of the Fourth Hokage's special kunai. Naruto turns to look at Kakashi sensei, who is carefully Not Watching Naruto. Naruto grins knowingly and Kakashi sensei smiles back by scrunching his visible eye closed. For all Naruto knows, Kakashi sensei could be winking, but somehow, Naruto is sure it is a smile.

Sasuke is already falling back off her tree again, and Madoka has reached the ground. But it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter at all, because Naruto has something that belonged to his father. What does matter is that no one can ever find out that he has it. So while Sasuke is preoccupied with straightening her bow and Madoka is following Kakashi sensei to the bridge, Naruto switches his Father's kunai for one of his own.


	39. This Does not Make us Friends

"When are you going to deal with those Leaf ninjas?" Gato demands.

Zabuza gazes down upon the fat little businessman in disdain. "You know, I have already said I will not attack those Leaf ninjas until you tell me why the bridge builder needs to die. All he is doing is building a bridge. Get over it."

"That bridge is a threat to my business!" snaps Gato.

"So that is the problem," says Zabuza's apprentice, Haku, smiling. "You do not want ordinary people to earn their own livelihoods."

Zabuza feels proud of his apprentice. She is very smart, and good at pretending like it's perfectly normal to do whatever thing it is she is doing that is not normal at all. Like openly challenging a man who could literally order the entire criminal underworld to tear them limb for limb and have the criminal underworld ask how painfully they should do it.

"See?" says Zabuza. "Was that so hard? Now we know why you want the bridge builder dead, so we will start planning our attack. Now get out before I use you as a drill post."

"I'm beginning to doubt your reputation," says Gato, probably expecting to annoy Zabuza.

"Are you?" says Zabuza, raising a non existent eyebrow. "Doubt it all you want, but that doesn't change the fact I have a sharp sword and know how to use it."

Gato takes an involuntary step backwards. He is sweating Zabuza notes out of interest. It seems that despite his feigned bravado, Gato is just a scared little man. Zabuza pulls out his sword, The Executioner's Blade, and points it at Gato. "Get out so I can plan my attack."

Gato leaves while he can still lay a claim to his dignity.

"So what do you want me to do?" asks Haku.

"For now, just spy on them," says Zabuza. "We won't attack for a week. Give Gato plenty of time to fret and decide to turn on us. Then we can kill him and take all his money."

"That is very sneaky, Zabuza," says Haku, with about as much emotion as a tea cup.

* * *

Kakashi sensei escorts Madoka and Tazuna to the half built bridge. After making sure there are no enemies about, he heads back to the forest to supervise Sasuke and Naruto's training.

After Kakashi sensei leaves, Madoka quickly gets bored. He kinda wishes he had stayed and trained some more, but in truth he mastered tree climbing a year ago. Madoka sighs and patrols the bridge a few times before sitting down out of the workers' way and observes them.

"Tazuna, can I speak with you?" one of the workers asks.

Tazuna looks up from his board-laying and asks, "What do you want, Giichi?"

"I've been thinking…" the man says nervously. "I want out. I don't want to do this job anymore."

"WHAT?" Tazuna shouts, sounding more surprised than angry. "WHY? Why now?"

"Tazuna, we've been friends since we were kids," says the man. "I really want to help you, but I don't want Gato to put a hit out on me as well. If we don't stop this project, we could all lose everything! Please...just give up on the bridge."

Tazuna takes his time replying. Finally, he says, "I cannot do that. I'm not building this bridge just for myself. This is for everyone; this is going to pick our poor country up out of poverty and put us on the map! I can't stop, or our little land won't have a future."

"But we're talking about our lives here!" protests Giichi. "If we are killed, what future will our island have anyway?"

Tazuna turns his back to the man and says, "It's afternoon already. Let's call it a day." then he turns slightly and adds, "You don't have to come back Giichi."

* * *

Hiding in the framework of the bridge, Haku smiles. It seems the bridge builder is not about to give up on his bridge. That is good. Maybe this land deserves to be saved if there is still someone who has hope.

Haku sneaks away from the bridge to spy somewhere else.

* * *

Sasuke is getting sick of falling off her tree. Her hair has come loose and she had to stuff her ribbon into her kunai pouch. Sasuke decides to ask Tsunami to cut her hair for her. Sasuke is getting too old to wear a bow anyway.

Sasuke looks over to see how Naruto is doing and sees Naruto walk up to Kakashi sensei, sniff him a few times and ask, "Kakashi sensei, I can't get the hang of it, can you help me?"

Whatever it is Kakashi sensei says Sasuke does not hear. She is slightly annoyed by this, since she could've used some help. Naruto grins and runs back to his tree and renews his practicing. Kakashi sensei pulls out the second Make Out Paradise and starts reading. Sasuke wonders what the second book is about and resolves to steal and read it at the first opportunity. She already 'borrowed' his copy of the first book, got caught with it four times and grounded each time. The first time she only two weeks and a warning, but the other three times she got four weeks added to her sentence each time.

On second thoughts, maybe Sasuke ought to return book one first, he is less likely to notice if she only steals one book at a time.

Shaking off these distracting thoughts, Sasuke goes back to practicing the tree climbing exercise.

* * *

Madoka accompanies Tazuna into town. As they are entering the shopping center of town, Tazuna decides to tell Madoka; "Tsunami asked me to pick up a few things for dinner."

Madoka tries to care. He really does _try_ to care. It doesn't work so well. Madoka gives up trying to care about what Tazuna has to say and goes back to wondering how his parents would react if he dyed his hair bright green. It would probably shock them less than when they discovered their son had pink hair. Not that Madoka wants to dye his hair green. But it is fun to plan ways to practical joke her parents. Some of that washout dye would be perfect. But where to get some? Naruto would know, Madoka realises.

Madoka is jolted out of his musing when he feels someone tug on the back of his pants. He turns to see a scraggly looking child standing behind him with a hopeful and pleading look on his face, and his hands up turned. Feeling sorry for the little kid, Madoka gives him some sweets. The kid is ecstatic.

As the little boy runs away, Madoka takes a proper look around him and sees the desperate state of the town. That little boy isn't the only child begging on the streets. What is wrong with this town? He wonders.

Tazuna sees the look on Madoka's face and says, "It's been this way since Gato came. The only way to change this is to build that bridge and get rid of Gato."

"Assassination is always at least B Rank," says Madoka. "But if he attacks you, I'll be all over it."

Tazuna sighs. He has come to expect such responses from Team Seven, and Madoka is having just as much fun with it as Kakashi sensei.

Madoka follows Tazuna into the grocery store and tries not to let anyone see how depressed the empty shelves make him. What kind of grocery store has barely anything in it? He wonders if the Land of Waves will be able to support his team food wise. Hopefully Naruto brought plenty of instant ramen, or the team might have to politely go hungry. Seriously, there isn't enough food in this whole shop to feed Naruto for a day, let alone all of Team Seven - Sasuke can pack away a lot for such a small girl. It's actually kind of cute the way Sasuke shovels down her food with an intense look in her eyes and a slight blush on her nose, Madoka thinks, and immediately wonders where that thought came from.

Madoka shrugs and wonders how Naruto and Sasuke's training is going.

* * *

Naruto and Sasuke are running headlong up their trees. Naruto falls down first, cutting a mark into the tree as he falls. Sasuke keeps on climbing for a couple of meters before falling as well. She falls more gracefully than Naruto, bouncing between the two trees on her way down instead of just falling like a loser. On the way down, Sasuke can't help noticing how high Naruto's marks are climbing. Sasuke lands on the ground, feeling miffed about how fast Naruto has been catching up since he talked to Kakashi sensei.

Kakashi sensei left a while ago to scout around the village, leaving Sasuke and Naruto to train. For this reason, Sasuke cannot ask Kakashi sensei for help. But she could ask Naruto.

But Naruto is a pain in the neck.

A pain in the neck who steals her Daddy's attention.

But if Kakashi sensei told him something that will help…

Sasuke makes up her mind and approaches Naruto. "Um, Naruto…" Sasuke says, a little uncertainly.

"What do you want?" snaps Naruto, who looked as if he had been deep in thought.

Emboldened by Naruto's annoyance rather than deterred by it - Sasuke feels annoying Naruto is an achievement - Sasuke asks, "What did Kakashi sensei tell you?"

Naruto stares at Sasuke in surprise and then grins and says, "Why should I tell you?"

Sasuke scowles her angriest scowl.

Naruto glares right back.

After standing there in awkward silence for a short while, Naruto finally says, "He told me to concentrate and try to feel the tree and how much chakra I need to stick to it."

"Oh," says Sasuke. She hadn't thought of it that way.

"So…" Naruto clasps his hands behind his back and rocks back and forth on his heels. "Can we be friends now?"

Naruto has been trying to get Sasuke in his little gang for as long as she can remember. She gives him the same answer she gave every time since the first. "No way!"


	40. I Will Wear the Sky

"Um…"

Tsunami turns to the ninja girl, who is standing behind her looking as if she is deciding whether or not to run away. The little girl is shy, Tsunami realizes. "Yes, Sasuke?" Tsunami asks more gently than she would have before.

"Um…" Sasuke takes a deep breath and blurts out; "Can you cut my hair for me?"

Tsunami is surprised by this request. "Why do you want to cut your hair?" she asks. "It so beautiful."

"It keeps getting in the way!" Sasuke sounds a little distressed and a tiny bit angry. "Please cut it for me?"

"Alright," agrees Tsunami, realizing it took a lot of courage for Sasuke to ask for her help. "Go sit on that chair while I get my scissors." Sasuke does so, and soon Tsunami is snipping away at her hair. Tsunami notices that Sasuke's hair has a tendency to stick out at the back, so she is careful to cut it so it will sit flat.

When Tsunami is finished, Sasuke has a short hime cut, which reaches to about four centimeters above her shoulders. Sasuke puts her headband back on so that short part of her fringe covers the metal plate, and the longer pieces hang down on either side of the headband.

"How will people know what village you're from if you cover your Leaf symbol?" asks Tsunami.

"They will know by the Uchiha crest on my dress," says Sasuke.

"OI SASUKE!" Naruto barges in, followed by that bird of his. "I got higher up my tree than you...WHERE DID YOUR HAIR GO!?"

"You're an idiot!" snaps Sasuke, and runs off. Tsunami wonders if Sasuke has a little 12 year old crush on Naruto, then immediately dismisses the idea. Sasuke does not seem interested in boys at all.

"Where did Sasuke's hair go?" asks Naruto, confused.

* * *

Sasuke storms off to the training ground her team created for themselves. When she arrives, she glares up at Naruto's tree in anger. He did get higher than her, the little s##t! Angrily, Sasuke runs at her tree, slashing at it as she climbs. Unfortunately she is too angry to focus properly and soon falls down to the ground.

Rather than catch herself, Sasuke simply falls, landing in the grass at the base of her tree. The top seems so far away. Just like _all_ her goals. She wants to be stronger than Itachi, but most of the time it feels like that will never happen. She doesn't have sharingan. She probably won't awaken it either. The clan won't be too disappointed, since she is a girl and all. No, they will be worse than disappointed - they will be kind.

Sasuke stares up at the sky, that far away, blue sky. All her life she has played second fiddle to her sister. Now she has a little brother too. He will get the sharingan and her Dad's attention because he is a boy and she is nothing special. At least Sasuke's Aunt and Uncle pay more attention to Eizo-Mori than Itachi does, so that's something. But Itachi gets Shisui's attention. All the time, and that is worse. Sasuke _likes_ Shisui - a _lot_. But she is too young to attract _his_ attention. No, he's only interested in _Itachi_. Just like the rest of the clan. The only attention Sasuke gets is when she gets grounded. So she gets grounded - at least that way she gets attention.

Sasuke hears footsteps, soft footsteps. Then a shadow falls across her and a feminine voice asks, "Are you alright? You fell from quite a way up."

Sasuke turns to see a black haired girl wearing a pink yukata and a black choker standing beside her. "I'm fine," says Sasuke shyly. The girl is very pretty, and she seems so nice.

The girl smiles, and Sasuke feels the last of her anger leave her. "I see you are a ninja of the Hidden Leaf," she says. "What made you decide to become a ninja?"

"I guess it's just because my whole clan expected it," says Sasuke, sighing.

"Then why do you fight?" asks the girl. "Do you want to be a ninja?"

"I don't know," admits Sasuke. "I don't know how to be anything else."

"Don't you have any dreams? Or anyone you want to protect?" asks the girl, and Sasuke gets the impression there is a reason she is asking these questions, a reason besides curiosity.

Sasuke stares up at the sky, that unreachable blue sky. "I want to be stronger than my sister, whether I get sharingan or not," she whispers. "I want to protect my village. I want to join the police force like my father. I want to be brave. I want to be remembered, not just another Uchiha without sharingan. My dreams are as unreachable as the sky." That is the most words Sasuke has said to anyone except Shino or Itachi.

After a moment the other girl says, "If they are your dreams, then you should do everything you can to achieve them, even if it means you are simply trying to pin down the sky."

Sasuke does not respond, and soon the girl leaves. After a long time laying in the grass and staring at the sky, Sasuke suddenly decides, "I am going to die my hair the colour of the sky!" she laughs. "I'll get grounded for it, probably, but I will achieve my dreams! And I will wear the sky!"

* * *

Kakashi is surprised when Sasuke returns from her training with a bottle of hair dye. "What are you planning on doing with that?" Kakashi asks, trying to see the colour label on the bottle.

"I am going to dye my hair," says Sasuke, looking down at her feet, then glaring at him defensively.

Kakashi marvels at how the little girl can go from shy to aggressive so quickly. Perhaps she is trying to cover up how shy she is by pretending to hate everything. "Will your parents approve of you dying your hair?" Kakashi asks.

"I don't care!" says Sasuke, a little too quickly, like she is trying to get the conversation over with.

Kakashi considers this for a moment and says, "You know what? I don't care either. You're not _my_ kid."

Sasuke pulls a face and scoots off to dye her hair. When Tsunami calls everyone to dinner, Sasuke's hair is clipped up around her head with dark, wet gunk all through it. Kakashi wonders what colour Sasuke is dying her hair. It is hard to tell. The pungent fumes coming from Sasuke's hair do not stop her from devouring the food Tsunami sets in front of her.

Naruto sees how much and how fast Sasuke is eating and tries to match her chew for chew. Madoka finishes his helping and gets up to look at the torn picture on the wall. He completely ignores Naruto and Sasuke.

"Why is this picture torn?" Madoka asks, after examining the photograph for a minute. "I couldn't help noticing that Inari keeps looking at this picture. Who was there? Why was it torn?"

Kakashi wonders if Madoka will get an answer.

After a moment, Tsunami says, "It was a picture of Inari's father."

"Once," adds Tazuna, "Our entire land called him a hero."

Inari gets up and marches out of the kitchen.

"Inari, where are you going?" demands Tsunami. "INARI!"

Inari ignores her and keeps walking, slamming the door behind him.

Turns to her father and snaps angrily, "FATHER! I have told you over and over NOT to mention that in front of Inari!"

Another door slams.

"...So is this about what makes Inari acts so weird?" asks Madoka.

"It sounds like there's a story here," says Kakashi, knowing that they will hear it sooner or later, so it might as well be sooner. Besides, what is a mission without a tragic backstory from one of the clients?

"The man in the picture was not Inari's biological father," says Tazuna. "But they were so close and loving your would never know. Inari was such a happy child back then, always laughing…" to Kakashi's surprise, Tazuna breaks out in tears.

Out of the corner of his eye, Kakashi can see that Naruto is held riveted by the possibility of the story.

Tazuna pulls himself together and adds, "...but Inari changed after what happened to his father. Our people all called him a hero, especially Inari. They - we - were robbed of the very meaning of courage because of what happened that day."

"What happened?" asks Kakashi, annoyed that Tazuna isn't just freely spouting the tragic backstory like every other self-doubting mission client. "Would could have possibly happened to change Inari so much?"

"Let me start at the beginning," says Tazuna, taking off his glasses and wiping his eyes. "And tell you about the man who was known as the champion of the Land of Waves."

"Champion…?" Naruto asks, even more interested.

* * *

Teuchi Ichiraku of Ichiraku Ramen serves the two masked shinobi their bowls of ramen and asks, "So how have you two been holding up?"

"It gets harder every day, Teuchi san," says Wind. "The sooner this whole silent war is over the better."

"I look forward to the day you two bring your son here, with your masks off and everyone knowing who you are," says Teuchi. No one is around, so they can speak freely, like everyone always does at his ramen stand.

"So what news from Konoha?" asks Rain, tuning his mask aside so that he can eat his ramen.

"The Sacred Scroll of Sealing was stolen from the Hokage's house by eight renegade Uchihas and an academy sensei named Mizuki," Teuchi tells them. "They have been entered into the new Bingo Book, but the village is trying to keep it quiet."

"Well, we better get that scroll back," says Rain. "Anything else?"

"Kakashi took his genin team to the Land of Waves," says Teuchi. "I heard Gato is in charge there. They may have bitten off more than they can chew guarding that bridge builder."

"We'll look into it," says Wind, pulling her mask back over her face.

Rain fixes his mask as well and says, "Thanks for the ramen, Teuchi san. We'd better be going before security finds us."

Teuchi smiles as the pair leaves. He wonders how everyone will react when they find out what Wind and Rain and the rest of Akatsuki have been doing behind the scenes. It will probably be best, no matter what happens, if no one finds out he is their informant in the Leaf.


	41. The Land That had a Hero

_Three Years Previously._

"Come here, Poochie!" calls Inari, desperately.

"No!" yells the kids who stole Inari's puppy, Poochie. "His name is Shooting Star, and he's MY puppy now!" Poochie, who is tucked under the other boy's arm, does not seem at all bothered by what is happening.

"NO HE IS NOT!" yells Inari, struggling against the two boys who are holding him back. "He's MY Poochie! GIVE HIM BACK!"

"SHUT UP!" Yells the kid holding Poochie. Silence reigns for a few seconds, then the kid grins wickedly. He throws Poochie into the ocean. "HA! What are you gonna do now?" the kid laughs.

Poochie lands in the ocean with a splash.

"POOCHIE!" screams Inari.

"Well it's your fault for not handing the dog over when I ordered you to!" sneers the kid. "It's just a dumb dog, anyway."

"You can't drown my puppy!" screams Inari, breaking free of the other two kids.

"If he means so much to you, why don't you jump in and save him?" sneers the kid.

"But…" Inari is frozen with fear.

"What are you waiting for?"

Inari stares into the water below him, terrified to jump in and get Poochie. Poochie is his best friend, but Inari cannot swim. How can he save his puppy if he cannot swim?

"Hey, if he's your dog, why aren't you jumping in?" demands the other kid and pushes Inari into the ocean.

"Hey, what if he can't swim?" demands one of the other kids.

Inari flounders around in the water. "HELP ME!" he screams.

One of the other kids moves to help, but the ringleader stops him saying, "Leave him be, unless YOU want to perform a little pet rescue."

Inari flails about, calling out for help and swallowing some sea water. As he sinks below the surface of the water, he sees Poochie figure out out to dog paddle and swim away.

"Shooting Star's getting away!" Inari hears the other kid yell as he sinks into the ocean.

 _I don't wanna die_ , Inari whines to himself.

* * *

 **Inari wakes up to the smell of fish cooking over an open fire. He sits up and looks around, seeing a man sitting nearby roasting said fish.**

"Are you awake, kid?" asks the man. He turns around, showing Inari the roasting fish he is holding. "I dealt with those kids who were picking on you. Here, have a fish."

Inari wonders if this man is a god. He probably is not. "Did you rescue me mister?" asks Inari, staring at the man.

The man hands him a fish and says, "You've had rough time, haven't you?"

Inari does not reply, he eats the fish, realizing how hungry his ordeal has made him.

"Even your dog deserted you," continues the man. "Where I come from, dogs are loyal…"

( _At this point in the story, Sasuke gwaffs, attracting the attention of everyone else._

" _What's so funny, bastard?" demands Naruto._

" _Dogs are stupid, cats are way better," says Sasuke, sticking her chin out. "Anyway, that dumb animal never came back, did it?"_

" _No, Teuchi says. "Now can I get back to the story?")_

"Where I come from, dogs are loyal," says the man. "You can count on them. But you did let him down first, so he had no reason to help you."

Inari keeps munching his fish, wondering if Poochie would have been happier if Inari and jumped in and both of them had drowned. "I was too scared!" Inari whines. "Besides, I can't even swim…" he mutters. "I wanted to save him!" Inari stars crying. "I'm not brave enough!"

The man puts his hand on Inari's head and says, "Of course not. Any kid your age would have been terrified. But you must remember: when you become a man, you must live a life you won't ever regret."

Inari stares up at the man through teary eyes. What does the man mean?

The man grins and continues, "If something is precious to you, no matter how painful or how hard it is, no matter what it costs you, you have to persevere and protect it with all the strength you have - even if you must risk your life!" The man flexes his arm and puts his other hand on his bicep to illustrate his point.

Inari is so impressed he feel giddy.

"If you protect what's important to you," continues the man, "Then even if you die in the attempt, at least the world will be left with the memory of a man who lived a life worth living! It would be a great legacy to leave behind… Right?" The man laughs and scratches the back of his head, suddenly embarrassed. "That sounds super cheesy, doesn't it?"

"Yeah!" Inari smiles happily.

( _Naruto smiles, his head resting on his arms. He is enjoying this story._

" _The man's name was Kaiza," Tazuna explains. "Inari's father died when he was a baby, and Kaiza soon became like Inari's father even though he was a foreigner who came to the Land of Waves to seek his fortune. He found his fortune and a new family."_ )

* * *

"The rain is overflowing the dams!" Tazuna yells, bursting into his house from the torrential rain outside. Kaiza is sitting at the kitchen table with Inari, who wants help with his homework. "Kaiza, at this rate, D-section will be flooded!"

"WHAT?!" Kaiza turns to Tazuna, a look of horror on his face. "Inari, get a rope!" Kaiza adds as he runs out the door.

"Yes, Dad!" Inari runs to get a rope and takes it to Kaiza at the river.

Down at the river, the floodgates are being forcibly kept open by the swollen river. No one has been able to work out how to close it yet.

"If only we could get a rope around the gate," whines somebody despairingly. "Then we could all pull it closed and stop the flooding!"

Kaiza marches up to the frazzled crowd, a picture of grim determination. "I have a plan," he says.

"Here's the rope, Dad!" Inari calls, running up to Kaiza and holding up the rope he was sent to fetch.

"Thank you," says Kaiza and ties one end of the rope to the dock and the other around his waist. "Make sure this rope does not come loose!" he tells the bystanders. "I am going to sim out and tie the other end to the gate. Once it's secure I need you all to pull the gate closed."

"But you might get swept away!" protests a bystander.

"Dad you might die!" cries Inari, scared. "Why are you so willing to put your life at risk?"

"Because I love this town," grins Kaiza, placing his hand on Inari's head. "And because this is the town where my little boy lives."

Inari stares at Kaiza, beyond impressed.

Kaiza turns and jumps into the freezing river. For a few tense seconds, the river is in control, pulling at Kaiza and drawing him downstream. Then Kaiza takes control of the river in a burst of superhuman strength and surges toward the gate. The people on the dock cheer Kaiza on as he swims through the churning water to the flood gate and ties the rope to it.

On the dock, the townspeople grab ahold of the other end of the rope and pull the gate and Kaiza towards them.

* * *

It is a fine day in the Land of Waves. The sun is shining, the air is warm and a crowd is gathering in the center of town. They have gathered to see what the new businessmen in town has to say. But more than that, they are there to learn why Gato took Kaiza into custody.

"People of the Land of Waves," says Gato. "This man has done the unforgivable: he actively and openly went against my company and our policies. He is a disturber of the peace and an active terrorist. The penalty for his crimes is death!'

 _(Sasuke frown at this and says, "But they can't execute him without a fair trial…"_

" _Nerd!" Says Naruto. "You know WAY too much about law."_

 _Sasuke scowls and mumbles something about wanting to be a policewoman._

" _But then again, your Dad is the Nice Police Chief," Naruto shrugs. "Go on with your story, Mr. Tazuna.")_

"This man will die as an example to any who might be tempted to act in such a way," continues Gato, gesturing dramatically to the cross where he tied Kaiza after cutting off his arms.

"DADDY!" screams Inari, clinging to the wire fence that surrounds the spectacle and keeps people from trying to save Kaiza.

Kaiza simply smiles as he is put to death in front of the whole town.

But as Kaiza dies, Inari screams out "You promised to protect me! You're a liar!" and in that moment Inari changed inside, as did the rest of the people in the Land of Waves. They all lost the courage to fight. All except one.

 _I will build my bridge,_ Tazuna promises. _I must. It is the only way to save us now that Kaiza is gone._


	42. Passing the Torch: Easy, Right?

When Tazuna is finished his story he gazes around at the four ninjas who were listening. Naruto wonders what Tazuna is looking for. Pity or shock, maybe? He wonders if Tazuna really knows what ninja do for a living. Naruto wonders if the people of the Land of Waves would even survive as a ninja people. To give up after one person gets martyred is just pathetic. Naruto frowns, thinking very hard.

When a hero dies in the Hidden Leaf, someone always steps up and takes up their cause. Sometime the whole village takes up the fallen hero's cause. Obviously the Land of Waves should have taken up Kaiza cause and driven Gato out. Just like when the First Hokage died and his brother stepped up and became Hokage. Or when the Whirlpool was destroyed and Iruka niisan's parents taught him their ways so he could keep their traditions and knowledge alive. Or how Naruto's ANBU gives him presents if the yearly present from Jiraiya is late.

Or how Naruto's Dad was Hokage and Naruto is going to be Hokage one day. Once Naruto is Hokage all the people who doubt him now will finally believe it. Naruto smiles in anticipation.

And then he realizes: he needs to make Inari believe in heroes again. He needs to show the Land of Waves how to take up the passed on torch, so to speak. Passing on the torch is why Iruka niisan is teaching Naruto how to fight like a Whirlpool ninja, and why Naruto will be Hokage and why Sasuke will be a policewoman and why Kakashi sensei took on students.

And it's why Kaiza was not afraid to die: he believed his people would take up the fight after he fell. Only, they didn't and now Naruto has to lead the way. His team will get behind him, he knows they will.

Naruto gets up and marches towards the door. He has some serious training to do. He must…

 _Thump._ Naruto trips and falls face-first onto the floor.

"Naruto, what are you doing?" demands Kakashi sensei.

"I'm going to train some more!" announces Naruto, getting back up and continuing on his previous path.

"Naruto, you are too tired to train more right now," lectures Kakashi sensei. "You need to rest. If you exhaust your chakra you will die."

"I'm an Uzumaki of the clan Uzumaki!" says Naruto. "We founded the Village Hidden in the Whirling Tides. We NEVER run out of chakra!"

"That's not true," says Kakashi sensei. "I have heard of Uzumakis running out of chakra. It's very common in HALF Uzumakis."

Naruto considers Kakashi sensei's point. Then he says, "I am not just part Uzumaki, you know. I'm part total badass. I'll be fine. Besides," Naruto adds as he marches out the door. "I have to prove to these people that heroes DO exist!"

"Hey!" Madoka calls after Naruto. "What do you mean, 'part total badass'?"

"He is referring to the parent of his that is not an Uzumaki," states Kakashi sensei. "Now we had better set a patrol roster for the bridge."

Grinning because Kakashi sensei just called Naruto's dad a total badass, Naruto heads back to the training ground for some late night training. Naruto has a lot to learn in a short time. What were those study tips he learned from Grandma?

Oh yes: set manageable goals and reach them. First: catch up to Sasuke's highest mark. Second: reach that high-looking branch. Third: reach the top of the tree. Fourth: beat Gato and show Inari that heroes are a thing. Fifth: chunin. Sixth: jounin. Seventh: Hokage.

Naruto glares up at the tree. "Aright tree!" he calls up to it. "You must bend to my will! I shall win this battle!" he make the sign you make before a fight, because that's good manners and starts channelling his chakra into his feet. He is about to start running up the tree when he remembers something Iruka niisan told him.

 _If you are having trouble with an exercise, take it slowly and feel your way through until what you are doing feels right._

Naruto walks up the tree slowly, focusing on his chakra, feeling how much he needs like Kakashi sensei said. He gets a good way up before he falls off again. But now Naruto knows what he needs to do. He just needs to practice. Focus the chakra. Hold it in place. Fall off the tree, get back up. Fall again and land like a pro. Again and again and again until the sky is full of stars and the air is cold and damp.

Naruto decides to take a break and lies back down on the grass. He breathes in deep and closes his eyes. He decides to rest for a few minutes then go back to Tazuna's house to sleep.

* * *

The same black haired girl in a pink yukata who had talked to Sasuke Uchiha the previous day finds Naruto Uzumaki lying fast asleep in the forest. It is early in the day; the sun has barely been up for an hour. The girl squats down beside Naruto and shakes him gently to wake him.

"Whaa…?" Naruto mumbles incoherently. "Why is the sky inside?"

"You are outside," says the girl, smiling. "Why are you out here all alone, anyway?"

Naruto sits up and looks around himself. Then he grins and says, "I'm training to be strong!"

The girl smiles at him and says, "You seem plenty strong already."

"Maybe," says Naruto, nodding. "But I need to be even stronger. I am not nearly strong enough."

"Why do you need to be strong?" asks the girl.

"So I can beat Gato and his henchmen and prove to Inari that heroes DO exist!" announces Naruto, clenching his fist determinedly. "And then I am going to become the Hokage!"

Haku smiles and says, "A noble sentiment. But are you trying to be a hero for your own reasons or because you truly care about this Inari person?"

By the look on Naruto's face, the girl can tell he is caught off-guard by this question.

"I don't wanna be Hokage because of Inari," Naruto says, cocking his head to one side. "I wanna beat up Gato because of Inari's dad, so the people of the Land of Waves will learn how to fight back and Inari will realize that his Dad was a hero. I'm not a hero. I'm just a kid. I'll be Hokage first, THEN everyone will call me a hero."

"That is an odd way of looking at it," smiles the girl. "I always thought a person became a Kage AFTER being recognized as a hero, not before."

Naruto stares. "But the Hokage's were all heroes…" he seems immensely confused. "But no one will like me enough to make me Hokage if I'm supposed to be a hero first! Do you mean I have to make everyone like me…? I'm confused!" Naruto slumps forward into the grass.

"Why are you so sure no one likes you?" asks the girl, concerned.

"Because lots of people glare at me like I'm the devil when my Grandparents aren't looking," Naruto mumbles into the grass. "I dunno why, but Iruka niisan tells me to ignore them and Mr. Nice Police Chief tells me to report anyone who tries to hurt me. Some people are really mean. Some shops won't let me in if I go there alone."

The girl looks down at Naruto sadly. Poor kid. She does not respond however, as the only reason she heard him was because she enhanced her hearing with chakra. She decides to take a different approach. "Do you have someone special in your life?"

The question catches the boy by surprise, and he sits up straight and stares at the girl. "What do you mean?" he asks. "Are you asking if I have a girlfriend?"

The girl smiles. "No, I am not asking that," she says. "I am asking if there is anyone close to you, who is important to you. After all, we are out our strongest when we fight for someone else not for ourselves."

Naruto screws up his face in thought. Then he smiles, nods firmly and says, "Yes, I understand. I have people who are important to me and I want to get stronger for them."

The girl smiles at Naruto. Sensing another chakra source approaching, she stands and walks away. As she leaves, she says, "Get stronger. I know we will meet again soon, and I want to see how strong you can become."

Once she is out of sight, the girl stops and watches Sasuke join Naruto, and hears the now blue-haired girl tell Naruto that if he stays out at night again Kakashi sensei will tell his Grandmother.

"I didn't mean to stay out all night!" Naruto says, quite loudly. "I was gonna go back to Tazuna's, but I fell asleep!"

"Well...don't do it again!" Sasuke says, starting out nervously and then saying the rest very fast. "We have to take turns patrolling the bridge at night!"

"Okay!" Naruto salutes and grins. "How come you dyed your hair blue?"

"Because I can!" Sasuke says it very fast and somewhat defensively.

Naruto shrugs and says, "It looks cool, but you know your dad's gonna ground you, right?"

"Idon'tcare!"

"Have you seen Sparky?" asks Naruto.

"NO!"

"I caught up to your marker."

"F###!"

"Don't let your dad hear you say that!"

The girl in the pink yukata smiles and leaves the two to their awkward attempt at friendship. Smiling to herself and reflecting on her conversation with Naruto, the girl makes her way back to town to get some food for herself and her master. She is so wrapped up in her thoughts that she does not see the man standing in her way until she has already walked into him.


	43. Day by Day

Kakashi is on his way back to Tazuna's house to sleep after his night patrol of the bridge when he decides that it is a perfect day to stand under a tree and read some po- _literature_. So he finds a tree that looks nice and shady and leans against it, pulls out 'Make Out Paradise', which he finally found after it vanished for a while. Wondering where his book went to, Kakashi sets about reading it. He is so absorbed in his book that he does not pay any attention to his surroundings and as such is knocked to the ground when a young teenage girl walks into him.

Marvelling at how much a teenage girl walking into him resembles a certain scene from his book, Kakashi stands and helps the girl to her feet. "Sorry about that," says Kakashi. "I was not paying attention to my surroundings."

"I am the one who should apologize," says the girl evenly. "I was not watching where I was going." The girl carries herself like a shinobi, Kakashi notices.

"Well, we were both at fault," shrugs Kakashi, dusting off his book. "You seem rather cheerful." Kakashi noticed this fairly quickly because everyone else in the Land of Waves is so depressed. "You're not from around here, are you?"

"No I am not," says the girl. "I am visiting from a neighbouring town."

"Why?" asks Kakashi, curious to know if she will tell the truth.

"Because a friend of mine has business here and I wish to help him," says the girl smiling softly.

Kakashi wonders if this 'friend' is another ninja. "This friend must mean a great deal to you," Kakashi says, wanting to test the girl's resolve.

"He does," smiles the girl. "Do you have anyone important to you?"

The question catches Kakashi off guard. "Yes," he says, because the question seems very important to the girl. "I have many people who are important to me. Some of them I have lost, so I fight as hard as I can to protect the ones who are left."

The girl smiles a beautiful smile and says, "That is good. I am glad you know what you are fighting for." Then she hurries away as if she knows she said too much.

Kakashi stares after the girl. She just made him remember the one thing he is trying not to think about. Rin. Obito.

Tenzo.

Kakashi puts his book away and _shunshins_ to Tazuna's house. Tsunami is washing the breakfast dishes, but everyone else is nowhere to be seen. "Did Naruto come back yet?" Kakashi asks. He is concerned about the effect Tazuna's story had on Naruto.

"No, but I sent some food for him with Sasuke when Sasuke left to go and train," says Tsunami.

"I'll check on them later and make sure Naruto wasn't training all night," says Kakashi.

"You should check on them now," says Tsunami. "They are just kids, after all."

"They are shinobi," says Kakashi. "They stopped being kids once they donned those headbands."

Tsunami turns from the sink and stares at Kakashi in slight horror. "What the hell do you shinobi do?" she demands.

"Kill people, get killed, have our limbs torn off, you know, all those fun things soldiers do."

"But they're 12!"

"I was five when I became a genin."

Tsunami stares at Kakashi with her mouth open.

Kakashi decides to ignore her and goes to the spare room - which he, Madoka and Naruto are sharing - to sleep for a few hours.

* * *

Madoka is walking through the forest to find Naruto. Naruto stayed out late training again, and rather than waiting for him to return, Kakashi sensei sent Madoka to find him. It has been 5 days since they arrived in the Land of Waves and Kakashi sensei is getting rather edgy. Madoka is feeling edgy himself. There could be an enemy nin behind any one of these trees.

Madoka sees a girl in a pink kimono sitting in the grass picking flowers. "HEY!" Madoka calls, waving to the girl. "What are you doing out here so late by yourself?"

The girl looks up and smiles, looking absolutely adorable with her hands full of wildflowers. Madoka notices those flowers are used to poison weapons. The girl says, "I could ask you the same question."

"I'm fetching a teammate," says Madoka.

"Oh, so you are a ninja!" the girl's smile widens. "You look very strong and brave."

Madoka thinks he can hear sarcasm in the girl's voice. Or maybe she's being patronizing. Either way, Madoka does not like the girl's tone. "You didn't answer MY question."

"Oh, I am collecting medicinal herbs," says the girl, putting the poisonous flowers in her basket.

"Those flowers are poisonous."

"I know."

"You better not be planning on using them on my teammates."

"What about you?"

"I am a medic: I can handle it." Madoka is on guard now. This girl is an enemy and they both know it.

"I am glad your team has a medic," says the girl. "We will fight soon, and I do not like it when people die." The girl picks up her basket and walks away.

Madoka runs to find Naruto.

* * *

Tsunami notices that Kakashi is getting more restless as the days go by. Now, Tsunami may be a civilian but she is not stupid. She knows that no shinobi would show how worried they are about a mission or an impending battle. Kakashi is the most emotionless shinobi she's ever meet - he wears a mask for goodness sake! - but she can still tell that he is worried about something.

Tsunami does not have a lot of experience with shinobi, but she knows an antsy shinobi is a dangerous shinobi, so she steels herself and demands of Kakashi: "What the hell has gotten under your skin? You're acting like the sky might fall down any moment."

"Well it might!" snaps Kakashi temperamentally.

"Something is bugging you, and I don't think it's ninja business," snaps Tsunami. "Out with it!"

Tsunami sees Kakashi do a double-take, and she knows he knows that there is no point avoiding the question. Then Kakashi says, "My second child is due in a couple of weeks and I am worried the baby will be born while I am here in the Land of Waves. My first child was born early."

Tsunami stares at Kakashi in surprise. He does not strike her as the kind of man to have a family. What kind of woman would marry such a jumpy, emotionless, insensitive man anyway? Trying not to let any of these thoughts reach her face, Tsunami says, "You have a family?"

"Yes," Kakashi's visible eye closes in a way that screams 'I AM SMILING!' He pulls a photograph out of his jounin vest and holds it up for Tsunami to see. "This is my family." Grinning behind his mask, Kakashi gushes, "aren't they beautiful…"

* * *

Sasuke and Naruto are busily training on the morning of the seventh day in the Land of Waves. Sasuke is pleased to see she is still higher than Naruto. Not by much, but still. Down below them, Kakashi and Madoka are standing around trying to find them. Sasuke nearly giggles at how silly they are not to look in the trees. Nearly giggles. Giggling is unbefitting of an Uchiha. Or, at least, that's what her third cousin told her after he caught her watching a funny movie with Shino while she was giggling and Shino was trying not to laugh. Ever since then, Sasuke has refrained from showing amusement at anything. Funny thing is, Sasuke muses, that particular third cousin disappeared along with several other clan members and Mizuki sensei not long after Graduation.

"Where is Naruto?" Sasuke hears Madoka ask. "He stayed out late again last night and then Sasuke took off with packed breakfasts and lunches!"

Sasuke would not have taken any food for Naruto if Tsunami hadn't forced her to. Naruto is already making too many assumptions about them being friends without adding that for him to use as evidence.

To answer Madoka's question, Naruto throws a kunai to the ground at Kakashi sensei and Madoka's feet. The pair look up and see Naruto lying face down on a high tree branch with his arms and legs dangling over the side. Naruto grins and gives a short, triumphant laugh. Laughing has a nice sound, Sasuke thinks. Pity it is not befitting of an Uchiha.

"NARUTO can climb that high?" Madoka exclaims, sounding genuinely surprised, as if Naruto hadn't just spent a week training all day and only stopping for sleep and food.

Naruto climbs up onto the branch shouting, "Look how high I can go! Isn't it great?" Then he pretends to slip and fall off the branch, only to catch himself and hang upside down off the bottom of the branch, grinning like an idiot.

Madoka and Kakashi sensei do not look impressed by the prank Naruto just pulled.

"Ha!" Naruto laughs. "I fooled ya!"

"You idiot!" shouts Madoka. "You could've been seriously hurt!"

Sasuke sees Naruto's chakra begin to falter. She starts to move.

Naruto looses his chakra-hold on the branch and starts to fall. An instant later, Sasuke has caught him by the ankle. She hopes she looked like a total badass. Being a badass is expected of an Uchiha.

"Good job, Sasuke!" Madoka calls up. "That was quite a catch!"

Sasuke blushes out of shyness. She is not used to being complimented so enthusiastically or openly.

Kakashi sensei smiles up at them proudly.

* * *

Zabuza Momochi, Demon of the Hidden Mist, looks up from polishing the Executioner's Blade when his apprentice, Haku of the Ice Style, returns from her scouting trip. "Did you get all the information we need?" asks Zabuza.

"My mission is complete," says Haku. "The Leaf Shinobi stay because they could not live with themselves if they left. The pink haired one is a medic and knows I am an enemy. The jounin is suspicious that there are two of us."

"I got a message," says Zabuza. "Wind and Rain are on their way to the Land of Waves. We need to deal with the Leaf shinobi before those two meddlers arrive."

"Then shall we attack in the morning?" asks Haku. "There will be a heavy mist tomorrow."

"Excellent. Let's get going, girl."


	44. Doing Ninja Things

The moon is high and the night is warm. Naruto and Sasuke are also very high in the sky, and rather hot and sweaty. Both are panting from exertion while hanging on to the very tops of their training-trees.

"Wanna head back?" asks Sasuke.

"Yep!" grins Naruto. "I am HUNGRY!"

Sasuke knows exactly what her Dad would say to that.

The pair run down their respective trees, happy because they finally mastered the jutsu. When they reach the bottom, Naruto asks, "Sasuke, how does your skirt stay in the exact perfect place at all time?"

"It's a combat skirt," says Sasuke, who uses a trick her mother showed her that involves...well that's a secret passed down from kunoichi to kunoichi since it was first discovered in the warring states era. The Clothing Stay in Place Jutsu.

By the time they reach the bottom of the trees they can barely stand. So they lean on each other while they drag themselves back to Tazuna's house. By the time they get there it is evident that Naruto is the more exhausted as he is leaning quite heavily on Sasuke. While Sasuke doesn't like being so close to Naruto, she is glad he not treating her like a weak little girl and trying to carry her back or something stupid like that.

"Ah, you're back," Kakashi sensei greets them.

"Sit down," Tsunami tells them, pointing at the table with her serving spoon.

Naruto and Sasuke collapse on opposite sides of the table and settle down to eat their dinner. Sasuke regrets sitting opposite Naruto because now she has to look at him and he keeps smiling at her.

"We finally made it to the top of the trees!" Naruto boasts.

"Good," says Kakashi sensei. "Tomorrow you two can come to the bridge and help us guard Tazuna."

"Cool," grins Naruto, laying his head on the table.

"Well," grins Tazuna. "We make quite a tired, dirty, sweaty bunch. But you've mastered your training and I'm nearly finished the bridge!"

"You lot are hopeless!" sighs Tsunami. "Please don't work yourselves to death."

"Don't worry," says Tazuna. "We will be fine."

"Imma sleep a lot tonight," says Naruto, yawning widely.

Sasuke notices Inari shaking at about the same time Naruto does. It is Naruto who speaks up, however.

"What's the matter with you, Inari?" Naruto snaps, showing more malice than Sasuke has ever seen from the openhearted eyesore.

Inari glares daggers at Naruto. "You wouldn't understand!" Inari yells. "If you understood, you wouldn't wear yourselves out trying! You'd just give up and go home! You can't beat Gato's thugs! None of you can! You're nowhere near as strong as them! You act all tough, but you're not big and strong like they are! They'll tear you to pieces!

"Shut up!" Naruto yells back. "I am not a weakling like you! I will never loose!"

"SHUT UP! This isn't your town! You don't know what we're all going through! You are always so happy; you have no idea what MY life is like! How could you possibly know what pain and loneliness are like?"

Sasuke sucks in her breath. As far as she can tell, everyone loves Naruto. Her clan thinks the world of him, and his family always dotes on him. Out of the corner of her eye, Sasuke sees Kakashi sensei lean forward, an interested but anxious expression on his face.

Naruto's face turns cold and hard. "You are wrong," he says. "I do know pain and loneliness. I know it every time I walk through Konoha alone. I know it whenever the police turn their backs for a moment. I know fear and hate and my parents died the day I was born. You think you have problems brat? Pain and loneliness are the closest companions of a shinobi. So you can live your life as the star of your own melodrama and treat the people around you like guests at your pity-party, but while I rise above the people who treat me like dirt, you'll be nothing but a CRY BABY!" Naruto raises his voice to a shout.

Sasuke is surprised. Does her clan dote on Naruto because they are protecting him? But from what? And why?

Inari starts crying and runs from the room.

"Naruto."

They all turn to Kakashi sensei. Kakashi sensei is looking down at the table. They cannot tell what he is thinking. "When we get back to the Leaf there is something the Hokage must tell you. Remind me to convince him."

"Yes sensei." Naruto replies.

"Until then we will not speak of this again."

"Yes sensei."

* * *

"ZABUZA!" Gato's impatient voice roars over the headset that Zabuza just threw on the ground. "When are you going to attack! The bridge is nearly finished!"

"May I?" asks Haku.

"Go ahead," replies Zabuza.

Haku steps on the headset, breaking it in four pieces.

"Let's go kick some tree-hugger booty," says Zabuza, grinning behind the bandages that cover his mouth and neck.

Haku smiles and puts on her mask.

* * *

Kakashi, Sasuke, Madoka and Tazuna set off without Naruto, who is still fast asleep.

"Keep an eye on Naruto," Kakashi tells Tsunami. "He's completely worn himself out. It's unlikely he will move for a while."

Then they leave and head to the bridge.

At the bridge, all the workers are lying in pools of their own blood. Only one is still alive. Madoka runs over to the man straight away and begins to heal him. "MONSTERS!" the man tries to warn them. "There were monsters here!"

"Don't worry," says Kakashi. "I'm sure we can handle it."

"No, you don't understand…!" the man coughs. "They were no thugs…!"

"Shinobi." Kakashi straightens up, ready for a fight. The enemy is here and he looks forward to finding out who the enemy is. "Let's get these men out of here."

* * *

Naruto wakes up with a familiar smell in his nose. His ANBU was here recently. Very recently. Naruto sits up, awake in an instant. His panda sleeping hat stopped smelling of his ANBU a long time ago, but he can smell the smell, fresh and strong. Naruto closes his eyes and follows his nose. The smell is coming from Kakashi sensei's bedroll.

Wait.

Kakashi sensei's scent is not on his bedroll. The only scent on that bedroll is the ANBU's. No, that can't be right. Naruto opens his eyes and takes a wiff of Kakashi sensei's spare shirt. It smells like Kakashi sensei. Naruto takes a wiff of the bedroll. It smells exactly the same as both the ANBU and Kakashi sensei.

Realization dawns on Naruto.

Kakashi sensei is Naruto's ANBU.

Hang on, where IS Kakashi sensei?

Naruto runs into the kitchen, where he finds only Tsunami and Inari and demands, "Where is everyone?!"

"Oh! Naruto, you're up! I thought…" Tsunami starts to say something.

Forgetting his manners, Naruto interrupts, "They left without me because I overslept, didn't they?" Without waiting for an answer, Naruto runs back to the room he is sharing with his male teammates and changes into his combat gear. Then he runs out to catch up to his team.

"Kakashi wanted you to rest today!" Tsunami calls after Naruto.

Naruto does not listen. He wants to do ninja things! "Why didn't they wake me?" Naruto whines as he leaps through the trees on his way through the forest.

Then Naruto sees something that makes him stop in his tracks. He leaps to the ground and investigates the butchered wild pigs lying in the grass. They look as if they were cut up by people. People with swords. That means something important. Naruto frowns in concentration. He looks around the clearing and sees slash marks on the trees. They cannot be seen very well from the way Naruto was coming, but turning to look back he can see the marks well. Naruto screws up his face and his brain in concentration. This all means something VERY important.

Time to figure it out the way Iruka niisan says to figure things out! What made the slash marks? Swords. Who carries swords? Ninjas. What direction are the slash marks going? Naruto is stuck.

He can almost see Iruka niisan standing in front of him tapping his foot impatiently. What would Iruka niisan do? Oh, pretend to MAKE the slash marks.

Naruto pulls out a kunai and tries to copy the slash marks. To make them properly he needs to be running towards Tazuna's house.

Violent ninjas with swords are heading towards Tazuna's house. Or maybe they are samurai.

Naruto cannot believe it took him so long to figure it out. He runs up a tree and propels himself off it with a burst of chakra, heading at top speed back to Tazuna's house.


	45. Enemies Appear at Last

Zabuza sees the Leaf Jounin looking around suspiciously with his limited vision and grins. Time for some fun. "Hidden Mist Jutsu," Zabuza says, forming a thick mist to cover the bridge. The Leaf ninjas and the builder huddle up together.

"Let's go, Haku," says Zabuza. "Time to make an entrance.

Zabuza uses his favourite Epic Entrance Jutsu: voice projection followed by sudden appearance. "Well, well, well," Zabuza says, sending his water clones through the mist to surround the Leafys. "Looks like a bunch of tree huggers got lost. You're a long way from the forest, Leaf shinobi. The water is MY domain." He grins as his water clones land amongst the little group on the bridge. "Oh, look!" he says patronizingly. "The little girl is shaking! Maybe she should leave if she is scared."

"I'm shaking in anticipation!" says the little girl, a bit too defensively.

"Go ahead, Sasuke," says the jounin, smiling through his mask.

 _Stupid man,_ Zabuza thinks. _The mask is supposed to hide your expressions, not make them easier to read!_

By the time Zabuza has finished thinking that sentence, the little girl with blue hair has already pulled out two kunai and dispatched every water clone. As the water falls to the ground where the clones were, the little girl spins the kunai around in her hands, back in the place she started. Zabuza is impressed; it took the girly less than a second and she's what, 12? The jounin looks proud and the builder is gaping at the girl in surprise.

Zabuza clears the mist away and walks forward with Haku following close behind. "So it seems the little girl is a worthy opponent for you after all, Haku," Zabuza says, directing his words at the Leaf girl, but addressing Haku. "You can have her all to yourself."

"Thank you, Zabuza sensei," says Haku, who is as calm and collected as usual. Hopefully that unnerves the Leafys.

"Zabuza?" the jounin says. "Then are you Zabuza Momochi, one of the Seven Ninja Swordsmen of the Mist?"

"Yes, that I am," grins Zabuza. "I'm in your Bingo Book aren't I? Now let me see if I can remember your mug from MY Bingo Book." Zabuza has a good think. "Ah, now I remember: you're Kakashi Hatake the Copy Ninja. Or 'Sharingan Kakashi'."

The little girl turns her head sharply to look at the jounin. She looks confused.

Before the kid can say anything, Kakashi of the Sharingan says, "And you are otherwise known as The Demon of the Hidden Mist, correct? And this young lady is your apprentice, Haku of the Ice Style."

Zabuza grins. "That's right. Kill the blue one, Haku."

Haku attacks the other kunoichi; senbon crosses kunai as the little girl fights back.

* * *

 **** **"** **Inari!" calls Inari's Mum. "Come and help me with the laundry!"**

"Alright Mum," Inari calls back. "But I'm using the toilet right now!" Inari finishes up and washes his hands. Then he hears a scary noise and sneaks into the kitchen, scared that something bad happened. Inari peeks around the kitchen door and sees two of Gato's thugs standing over his mother. Inari gasps when he sees that they are the very thugs that killed his Daddy.

The two thugs hear Inari and turn towards him. "Oh look," says the one with the hat on. "It's her brat. Too bad for him: we only need one hostage!"

The one with the eyepatch grins and reaches for his sword.

Inari takes a step back in fear. He is shaking harder than he did when he thought Poochie was gonna drown.

"STOP!" screams Inari's mother. "If you harm my son I will bite off my tongue and choke on my own blood until I die! Then what will you do for a live hostage?!"

The two thugs look mad. "Looks like you'll be spared, kid." sneers the thug with the hat.

"Aww," whines eye-patch. "I wanna cut something!"

"Quit whining," says Hat. "You cut plenty of things on the way here."

Inari slumps down on the floor and starts bawling. Inside, Inari is a mess of fear, self-pity and shame. _I am just a big cry-baby, just like Naruto said!_ Inari whines to himself. Inari is afraid that if he tries to fight back he will die.

Then Inari hears Naruto's scornful voice echoing in his mind: _While I rise above the people who treat me like dirt, you'll be nothing but a CRY BABY!_ Inari feels something snap inside him. He does NOT want to be a crybaby! He wants to be someone worthwhile! Someone Daddy would be proud of. If Daddy was here, he would already have fought those guys; wouldn't have cared that he might lose. If someone tried to hurt his family, Kaiza lept into action.

If only Inari was strong enough…

 _If you protect what's important to you; then even if you die in the attempt, at least the world will be left with the memory of a man who lived a life worth living._

Inari clenches his fists. _I want to be strong too, Daddy!_

Determined, Inari marches outside and yells, "Wait!"

The two thugs turn around to face him. "Look who's trying to be all brave. How cute."

"Get away from my Mama!" yells Inari.

"NOW can I cut it?" asks Eye Patch.

"Go ahead," sneers Hat.

"Inari!" screams his Mother as the two thugs slice him into three pieces.

But the moment the thugs sheath their swords three pieces of a log fall to the ground instead of three pieces of Inari. "A substitution?" exclaims Hat.

Naruto is there and he rescued Inari in the nick of time. He even managed to grab Inari's mum as well. "Sorry I'm late," grins Naruto. "But you know what they say about the hero arriving in the nick of time, dattebayo!"

"Naruto!" Inari feels an immense relief wash over him.

"Hey, isn't that one of Tazuna's discount bodyguards?" comments Eye Patch.

"Good job, Inari," says Naruto, patting Inari on the head. "Your distraction was exactly what I needed to save your mum."

"Kill him," says Hat.

"Suckers," grins Naruto and pulls out a brush and paper. "Fuuinjutsu:" he says, writing on the scroll. "Lightning Cannon!" a burst of electricity shoots out of the design Naruto just drew and electrocutes Tazuna's henchmen. Both goons are knocked out instantly. Naruto ties them up and suspends them off the footpath, leaving the pair of unconconscious men hanging in the ocean with their heads above water.

"Naruto?" asks Inari. "How did you know those two were coming?"

"Well I found a wild pig that was all slashed up," explains Naruto. "And a bunch of slash marks in the trees that led to your house. It wasn't hard to figure out."

Inari stares down at his feet.

"Inari...:" Naruto says uncertainly.

"Huh?" Inari looks up at Naruto.

"Sorry I called you a crybaby," apologizes Naruto, scratching the back of his head. "You were brave just now." he puts Inari on the head. "You're a brave, strong boy, and you have _potential_." Naruto nods firmly a couple of times.

Inari is so touched he starts tearing up. "Aw, man!" he says, wiping away the tears. "I promised myself I wouldn't cry! Now you're just gonna laugh at me again!"

"Don't be silly!" says Naruto. "There's nothing wrong with crying when you're happy!" Naruto grins so widely Inari can't help grinning back.

Naruto isn't so bad, Inari decides.

"If these guys attacked here," says Naruto, poking at the head of one of his victims. "Then the bridge is probably under attack too. I better go help out. You can handle things here, right?"

"Yes!" Inari salutes.

"This hero business is a lot of effort!" says Naruto, launching himself into the air and flying away.

Inari stares after Naruto, mouth agape. "HE CAN FLY?"

"He was flying when he arrived," says Inari's mother. "I saw him but those two did not. I wonder where he learned that."

* * *

Wind and Rain finally make it to the border between the Land of Waves and the Land of Fire. They do not stop to rest but, start to run straight across the ocean.

"There has got to be a better way to cross," mumbles Wind.

"There is, but I haven't mastered it," replies Rain. "I hope we get there in time," he adds.

"Isn't this Gato's territory?" asks Wind.

"Yes, it is," says Rain darkly. "And if they do take down Gato, I wonder who will try to take over from him."

"No one if I have any say."

"If only the Hidden Whirlpool were still around. They would never have stood for Gato's behaviour."

"You make it sound like he's a naughty child."

"The only difference between him and a naughty child is that I want to kill him with fire."


	46. He Can WHAT?

As Sasuke and Haku lock blades, Sasuke hears Kakashi sensei tell Madoka that they need to protect Tazuna.

"I don't want to have to kill you," says Haku. "But you are not going to surrender, are you?"

"No!" Sasuke says, forcing out her reply. She can fight, but talking to her opponent is what makes her nervous.

"I thought not," says Haku. "Good thing I have already prepared two attacks."

Two attacks? Sasuke tries not to look disbelieving.

"Firstly, the water on the ground," says Haku, referring to the water from Zabuza's clones. "Secondly, I have a hand free, and you won't be able to defend yourself from my attacks!"

What?

Haku starts making lightning fast hand-signs with her free hand. "Water Style: One Thousand Needles!" Immediately sharp needles start flying towards Sasuke from all directions.

Sasuke remembers her training and channels her chakra into her feet, sending herself rocketing up into the air. As she flies through the air, Sasuke sends a barrage of shuriken at Haku. Haku leaps back to avoid the shuriken and Sasuke lands behind her opponent and whispers in her ear, "You're not very fast. Now _you_ have to defend yourself from _me._ "

Haku starts to turn, but Sasuke launches a spinning attack with her kunai, aiming straight at Haku's head. Haku blocks the kunai with her wrist. Sasuke launches the kunai out of her hand, straight at Haku. Haku dodges out of the way, dropping to the ground to avoid Sasuke's follow-up kick. Sasuke adjusts her aim and kicks Haku in the face, sending her flying.

"That's one hell of a girl," says Zabuza, who is still standing around watching Sasuke and Haku. "Where did you find her?"

"She is the second daughter of the Uchiha Clan Head," says Kakashi, a hint of pride in his voice. "She may not have Sharingan, but she is an exceptional kunoichi."

Zabuza starts laughing. Then he says sharply, "Haku, stop fooling around and get serious!"

"Yes, Zabuza sensei." Haku makes an odd hand seal. The air suddenly grows very cold. A dome made of rectangular sheets of ice forms around Sasuke. "Crystal Ice Mirrors!" Haku announces her jutsu as it forms. Haku steps into one of the ice mirrors, and an instant later all the mirrors reflect Haku's image.

Sasuke feels a chill of fear run down her spine. Or maybe she's just cold. It is un Uchiha-like to feel fear.

Kakashi sensei curses and runs to help Sasuke. Zabuza leaps in between them and says, "Don't forget that I am your opponent. Let the girls play together. While my girl kills yours, I will kill you."

"Let me show you what real speed is," says Haku's disembodied voice. An instant later, thousands of needles attack Sasuke from all directions, cutting into her arms, legs, face and body.

Sasuke screams, unable to hold it in.

"SASUKE!" Kakashi sensei shouts, a note of fear in his voice.

"Move and those two behind you are dead," Zabuza tells Kakashi sensei darkly.

"Well that's a bit violent!" says a voice from up in the air.

They all look up, even the reflections of Haku. Sasuke takes advantage of the distraction to retrieve her dropped kunai before looking up herself. When she sees what everyone is staring at, Sasuke's jaw drops open. Floating several meters above them is Naruto, in all his blonde, orange and grinning glory, with his arms crossed and a glint in his eye that makes Sasuke fear for Haku and Zabuza.

"What the hell, Haku!" says Zabuza frantically. "You didn't tell me one of them could FLY!"

"I did not know," says Haku calmly.

"Aw, leave her alone," says Naruto. "I only figured it out a few minutes ago."

"Good work, Naruto," says Kakashi sensei proudly. "I knew you could do it!"

Naruto is positively beaming, but Kakashi sensei looks positively terrified.

"Now go help Sasuke get out of that jutsu!" Kakashi sensei orders.

"Right!" Naruto salutes.

Zabuza throws a barrage of shuriken at Naruto, but Haku deflects them with a handful of senbon. "What the hell, Haku!?" Zabuza does not sound impressed.

"I want this one as well," says Haku.

"Fine, he's all yours," agrees Zabuza.

Sasuke notices that Haku had to step out of the mirrors to throw the senbon and that there is a crack in Haku's mask. Sasuke wonders why Haku stopped Zabuza's attack and why she seems so eager to fight Naruto. Sasuke is completely at Haku's mercy so long as she is inside the Crystal Ice Mirrors. The cuts Haku has already given Sasuke are shallow, but they sting and smart. Haku will cut her to ribbons, inch by inch, unless Sasuke can get out. With Naruto helping from the outside, Sasuke will be able to get out.

"Hey Sasuke, how do we break these mirrors?" asks Naruto, from right next to Sasuke.

"You idiot!" Sasuke snaps. "You should have stayed outside! Now we're BOTH stuck in here!"

"Oops." Naruto scratches the back of his head in embarrassment.

Haku climbs back into the Ice Mirrors, rapidly implanting her image onto all the mirrors.

"What is this jutsu?" demands Naruto.

Sasuke ignores him, realizing that their only way out now is to destroy the mirrors. Since the mirrors are made of ice, it makes sense to try to melt them. Sasuke starts making handsigns. Then, while Naruto is still trying to figure out what is going on, Sasuke releases her jutsu; "Fire Style: Fireball Jutsu!" A raging inferno blazes out of Sasuke's mouth, enveloping the ice mirrors in front of her. However it has no effect.

"Aw, it didn't even make a dent!" whines Naruto. "And you were so cool, too!"

"GRRR!" Sasuke is so frustrated she can only growl at Naruto like an angry kitty-cat.

"That level of fire jutsu will not even scratch my mirrors," boasts Haku in a monotone, before unleashing another wave of senbon attacks.

"Which one of you is the real one?" demands Naruto.

"Your eyes will never see the truth!" brags Haku.

 _They would if I had sharingan_ , thinks Sasuke. If only.

"I'm gonna try hitting all the mirrors at once to find the real one," says Naruto, pulling out a scroll and unrolling it. "Fuuinjutsu: Wrath of Joe!"

 _The f### kind of name is that?_ Sasuke wonders.

In instant later, a bright pillar of lightning shoots out of the scroll, hitting the mirrors at the top of the dome and travelling into the other mirrors. Haku leaves the mirrors, but exits on the outside where they cannot reach her. As soon as the lightning dies away, Haku steps back into her mirrors.

"A valiant effort," says Haku. "But you will never beat my technique. I can teleport from mirror to mirror so fast you will not even see me move." She attacks again, covering Naruto and Sasuke with little cuts.

"Impressive that someone so young could master such a technique," says Kakashi sensei. "It's a kekkei genkai, isn't it?"

Zabuza just giggles in a very creepy way.

"Kekkei genkai?" says Naruto, sounding confused. "Isn't that a hereditary trait or something? The Uzumaki clan has two kekkei genkai, but they are only inheritable by girls."

"You know what else is a kekkei genkai?" asks Kakashi sensei. "THIS!" He pushes up his headband, revealing a spinning sharingan eye. "But even this sharingan, the eye that can see through all jutsu, can't copy or break another kekkei genkai!"

"So the Copy Ninja finally reveals his not-so-secret weapon!" laughs Zabuza. "This ought to be interesting!"

"Okay, that's it!" Naruto stomps his foot. "Two things: Why does Kakashi sensei, who is not an Uchiha, have a sharingan; but Sasuke, who IS an Uchiha, does not?"

"This eye was a gift from a friend," explains Kakashi sensei. "A gift with which I must protect my comrades!"

 _What Uchiha in their right mind would give away a sharingan?_ Sasuke wonders.

"That makes no sense, but okay," says Naruto, crossing his arms and nodding his head.

"Stupid boy!" says Zabuza. "Don't you realize that you are going to die?"

"No!" Naruto refuses. "I have a dream to fulfill. I am not going to die until I reach my goal and become Hokage!"

Sasuke remembers that her dad sometimes says he would like to be Hokage.

"I would prefer not to have to kill you," says Haku. "I would prefer not to have to kill anyone. I have dream just like you do. I hoped I could become a shinobi without ever having to kill another person. But true shinobi kill."

"Well you're a kunoichi," says Naruto. "No one minds if kunoichi don't kill anyone. I wanna be Hokage, you wanna never kill anyone, Sasuke wants a kitten: we all have our hopes and dreams. So why don't we all fulfill them and stop worrying about stupid things like the details."

"Are you a complete idiot?" demands Haku. "Do you even truly understand what death is?"

"Not really," says Naruto. "But I know it sucks. Joe's told me all about it."

Haku is silent for a moment, then she says, "I wish to be a true shinobi, to become someone who can fight without any reservations. To do that I must become a killer and bathe my hands in blood. To become a shinobi I must kill you."


	47. Sasuke's Determination

Sparky is sitting in a tree napping. The sun is warm on his feathers and there are no human children annoying him. Sparky tucks his head into his feathers and sighs in contentment.

So, maybe he can never go back to the land he came from, now that has has been transported here with his friend Sparkles. In the Old Land, his kind and Sparkles' kind were hunted for their feathers and horns. When Naruto summoned them, they were being hunted themselves. Sparky is happy to stay in this land with the blonde kid because the kid saved him and Sparkles. Sparkles is happy to stay with the white-eyed girl because the girl and her clan have eyes like the people who took care of the unicorns. White eyes, but not blind eyes like those of the people who tended the unicorns; the white-eyed people of this land see all. It is the total opposite to the land they come from.

Sparky shuffles a bit and settles back into his nap.

Two humans land on the branch just below Sparky. Both of them are wearing hooded cloaks and masks. Sparky is sure they are the same humans who watched the white haired one's test.

"Where are they?" the female one asks. "They aren't with Gato, or patrolling around. They weren't at the bridge when we checked there; where are they?"

Sparky is not alarmed by the close proximity of these two humans. In fact he is surprised at their stupidity. Why would they check the bridge for whoever they are looking for and not wait around to see if that person will show up? There are two of them, after all. Surely one could wait at the bridge and the other could scout around alone: they are SCOUTS after all.

If Sparky could talk he would have many things to say.

"What if we can't find Zabuza and Haku?" worries the male human. "And they kill Team Seven? Or Team Seven kills them? Then what will we do?

"Stop thinking like that!" snaps the female. She must be his mate, based on the way she bosses him around, Sparky reasons. "We will find them."

Sparky decides that enough is enough. He flies down to their branch and squawks loudly.

"Hey, isn't that Naruto's phoenix?" asks the male human.

"No, it's the mailman's phoenix," says the female human sarcastically. "Of course it's Naruto's phoenix! How many other phoenixes are there in the world? Honestly…"

Sparky decides he likes Wind. She is worthy of being called by her name. Sparky squawks again and flies off a few meters in the direction of the bridge.

"Do you think he's trying to tell us something?" asks the male human.

"Just shut up and follow him!" says Wind, leaping to the tree closest Sparky. Satisfied that Wind and her mate are following him, Sparky flies towards the bridge, where he knows for a fact Team Seven and those two Mist ninjas are.

* * *

Kakashi stares down Zabuza. Zabuza grins, pulls out a kunai and stabs at Kakashi's eye. Kakashi blocks, taking the kunai square in his palm. "Is that all you've got?" he taunts Zabuza.

"You are an idiot to reveal your trump-card so early in the battle," sneers Zabuza. "A shinobi should keep his best weapon secret until he uses it. My weapon is Haku. I have trained her since she was a small child to use the vast reserve of talent she possesses. Unlike you Leaf shinobi, we of the Mist become shinobi out of pain, fear and death. My apprentice is far superior to the trash that follow you around like so many attention-seeking puppies!"

Wow can Zabuza boast, Kakashi thinks to himself. He must be very proud of his side-kick. But then again, as much as Kakashi likes how Zabuza called his genins 'puppies', Kakashi does NOT like the other part. "Do NOT EVER call MY students TRASH!" Kakashi growls, slowly enunciating each word.

"Your concern is touching," sneers Zabuza. "But you should forget about those brats. They are dead."

"No," says Kakashi slowly, angrily. "I will never abandon my comrades. That is my ninja way."

"You Leaf softies are all the same!" He starts weaving hand signs Kakashi knows well. "Hidden Mist jutsu!"

Kakashi wonders if the jutsu was named after the village or the village was named after the jutsu. Either way, he is now surrounded in mist. Time to figure out Zabuza's plan. Oh, of course. "Madoka!" Kakashi calls over his shoulder. "Protect Tazuna!"

"Why, is a bird about to attack his face?" jokes Madoka, starting to weave hand signs in preparation for his jutsu.

"Yes, a big, ugly fishbird," confirms Kakashi, grinning to himself. "Blast it with water."

"I am no bird!" says Zabuza, giving away his position and receiving Madoka's water-cannon jutsu to the face. "You little...!" Zabuza lunges at Madoka, drawing his sword and swinging it in a massive arc. Rather than hurt him, the jutsu only angered Zabuza. However it did get rid of some of his mist, as that was where Madoka got the water for his jutsu.

Zabuza is about to slice Madoka in half when Kakashi gets in the way, stopping the deadly Executioner's Blade with the metal plate on the back of his glove. Ouch. He is gonna have a hell of a bruise. Still, Kakashi probably looks pretty awesome right now.

Out of the corner of his eye, Kakashi can see Haku throwing barrage after barrage of senbon at Naruto and Sasuke, who are trying to figure out a way to beat the jutsu. _Just hang in there_ , Kakashi thinks. _Once I'm done with this guy, I'll help you out._

* * *

Naruto and Sasuke pull themselves back onto their feet. "If we don't defeat her we'll be torn to ribbons," says Sasuke. She is in fight mode and determined to win.

"If we could follow her movements, we might be able to catch her and break the jutsu," says Naruto. "Pity I don't know any fuuinjutsu that slow down time." He grins. "Remind me to make one once we get out of this."

"Okay," agrees Sasuke, even though she is focusing on Haku. The ability to slow time sounds VERY useful. Haku's movements are too fast for a normal eye to follow. Sasuke decides she needs sharingan and she is going to awaken it. And she is going to awaken it NOW!

"Woah, Sasuke, your eyes just turned red!" Naruto yells, pointing. "Wait...That's sharingan! You awakened your sharingan!"

"I know." Sasuke glares at Haku's mirrors. Haku is about to do something...THERE!

Sasuke grabs Naruto and thrusts him away from Haku's stinging needles.

"Very clever," compliments Haku. "But how did you…"

Sasuke glares at Haku.

"Sharingan eyes," says Haku. "So you too have a kekkei genkai."

Sasuke realizes that she cannot let the fight drag on. The sharingan is draining her chakra a lot.

"Then we must end this fight quickly," continues Haku. "Kekkei genkai drain the user's chakra. I must end this before one of us runs out of chakra." She readies another round of needles.

Sasuke sees Haku head straight for Naruto, who is still lying where Sasuke pushed him. It seems his chakra has not fully recovered after all. The barrage of needles hit Sasuke in full force.

"SASUKE!" Naruto screams.

* * *

As Sasuke falls backwards with many, many senbon needles sticking out of her, Naruto feels a strange horrified anger fill him. Naruto catches Sasuke before she hits the ground and asks "Why did you do that, Sasuke? It was obviously a trap."

"I know," whispers Sasuke, blood running from a corner of her mouth. "And stop making that stupid face."

"But Sasuke…! Why…?"

"I used to hate you," says Sasuke. "You always get more of my Dad's attention than I do, and my whole clan thinks you're _so_ great. But you know what? That doesn't matter anymore. We're friends, right? And friends look out for eachother."

Naruto stares in horror as Sasuke's eyes close. "No! Sasuke! You shouldn't have done that!

"She was a worthy kunoichi," says Haku. "She knew that was a trap and still she sacrificed herself without hesitation."

Naruto is angry. There is no way he is going to let Haku get away with this.

Haku steps back into the mirrors.

Damn those mirrors! Naruto's vision is coloured red. He turns to Haku and growls, "I'm going to kill you for this." A strange red chakra fills his vision and he loses his self awareness.


	48. Darkness at the Bridge

Kakashi feels a dark chakra fill the air. It is not Zabuza's chakra. Then who's chakra is it? Kakashi glances over to where the kids are fighting. The ice mirrors are starting to glow red.

The Nine Tailed Fox.

What is happening over there? Is the seal coming undone? No! It can't be; Minato sensei's seal work is too good to just come undone. Kakashi needs to finish this fight and go calm Naruto down before more of the fox's chakra leaks out.

Kakashi pulls out his summoning scroll and wipes the blood from his hand onto it in a long line. "Zabuza," he says. "I'm a busy man. You're a busy man. So how about we go against the normal grain of shinobi battles and wrap this up quickly? No monologuing about our tragic pasts, no more gloating at each other: just one big move. Winner takes all." Kakashi uses chakra to roll the scroll back up and catches it in his thumbs, forming the appropriate hand sign for is jutsu.

"An intriguing idea," says Zabuza, recasting is Hidden Mist Jutsu. "What have you got hiding up that sleeve of yours, Kakashi of the Sharingan?"

Kakashi weaves the last hand signs and slams his hands down on the ground. Summoning Jutsu:" he says. "Earth Style: Fanged Vengeance."

"Stop showing off, Kakashi!" taunts Zabuza from his position in the mist. "You are trapped! I have the upper hand and you know it."

Kakashi hears his ninja hound summons leaping and bounding towards Zabuza. He can make out their shapes in the mist, but he does not need to see them to know where they are. "My eyes might not be of much use right now," he says grimly. "But when eyes fail, you can follow your nose - if your sense of smell is good enough, that is." The dogs have hold of Zabuza now, Kakashi knows this without seeing it. "My dogs and I can smell you clearly because I let my blood get on you." the fog starts to clear because of the dogs immobilizing Zabuza. "The mist is clearing," Kakashi adds in what he hopes is a suitably intimidating manner. "I can see your future. And your future is death."

With dogs biting his arms, legs and shoulders, Zabuza says, "You're bluffing."

"No," says Kakashi. "You are the one who is bluffing." Forgetting his earlier resolve to avoid superfluous chit-chat, Kakashi says, "The day you abandoned your village after the failed coup d'etat you branded yourself a wanted ninja. Your name was reported to all the other villages, including the Leaf. We know how you and a group of your mostly unknown followers tried to overthrow the Mizukage and failed. Now you are trying to gather funds for a second attempt. But in order to do that you sunk so low as to work for a man like Gato. The man he wants you to kill is the hope of this nation. This bridge is their ticket out of poverty. What kind of revolutionary are you, to destroy one nation in order to build another? Even if you were not my enemy, I would hate you."

 _Ox, rabbit, monkey:_ Kakashi forms the handsigns for his own jutsu. "Lightning Blade." He stares Zabuza dead in the eyes. "You do not follow the path a shinobi should tread."

"Shut up with your philosophical nonsense," growls Zabuza. "I am fighting for my own reasons, and I am not going to stop because of some tree-hugger!"

Zabuza has no idea how true that name is, Kakashi reflects. "I'll say this only once more," Kakashi taunts him. "Give up: your future is death!"

"No."

Kakashi charges.

* * *

Cold fear grips Haku as her formerly harmless opponent transforms. Naruto's eyes turn red and his pupils became slits. His teeth grow into fangs and the whisker-marks on his cheeks thicken into true whiskers. A bubbling cloak of red chakra surrounds Naruto.

"What is this chakra?" wonders Haku. "It is so different to Naruto - so dark and cold. What is he?"

The needles embedded in Naruto's body fly out and the wounds they made hiss as the strange chakra heals them. Naruto's finger nails grow into claws as crouches down on all fours like an animal.

Haku nearly turns and runs as Naruto turns and attacks her. But her determination to be useful to Zabuza wins out over her fear of this monster-boy.

Naruto leaps at Haku, breaking the mirror her real body is in and sending her flying. Haku is helpless to defend herself against Naruto as he attacks her with furious rage.

Haku realizes she should have retreated, analysed the new threat and acted accordingly. Now she will die by this boy's hand. Zabuza sensei must be so ashamed of her. Haku gives up in despair and lets Naruto pound her. Her mask cracks and starts falling off her face, a few pieces at a time.

Naruto charges at Haku, his fist pulled back, ready to punch her one last time. But then he stops short, his fist shaking a few centimeters from Haku's face. Haku's heart nearly stops in shock.

"You…" Naruto chokes out. "You're that girl I met the other day!"

Haku does not see why that would affect their battle. "Aren't you going to hit me?" She asks. "What happened to all that power you had just before?" It is gone, all of it: the chakra cloak, the fangs and claws, even his eyes are normal again. "I just killed your friend, but you stopped attacking me?"

Naruto turns his head to look at Sasuke. Then he punches Haku squarely in the face, sending her flying.

Haku pulls herself up again and tries to goad Naruto into action by saying, "That was weak punch compared to the ones you dealt me before. What happened to all that power?"

Naruto simply glares at Haku, panting.

Haku wipes the blood from her mouth and says, "Some people mistakenly believe that sparing an enemy is a kindness. They spare an enemy whose life is in their hands, but don't you see?" Naruto obviously doesn't so Haku continues. "It is an empty existence, to go on living after you have been defeated and lost your dream!"

"What?" asks Naruto, confused.

"Zabuza sensei has no use for a weak apprentice," explains Haku, smiling. "You have taken away my reason for living."

"WHAT?" Naruto shouts. "WHY WOULD YOU THROW AWAY YOUR LIFE FOR THAT WEIRDO?! HE'S A MERCENARY WHO DOESN'T CARE WHO HE WORKS FOR OR WHO HE HURTS! Is he really that precious to you?"

Naruto's words sting, but Haku pretends they do not. "Once I was precious to someone else," Haku says. "I had…" she has to force the word out. "...parents."

Naruto seems curious, so Haku continues, "I was born in a snowy village in the Land of Mist. My parents were good, kind people. But just as I was getting old enough to notice the world around me, something changed all that."

Naruto is hooked now. "What?" He asks. "What happened?"

"Blood," says Haku. "My blood."

"What?" Naruto is thoroughly lost, Haku can see that. She will have to be more direct.

"May father killed my mother then tried to kill me," says Haku.

"Why…?" Naruto looks understandably shocked.

"In the Land of Mist generations of war and violence turned the hearts of the people against those bearing a kekkei genkai bloodline," Haku explains. "Because our kekkai genkai were used for violent and bloody slaughter we were hailed as monsters, not heroes or even weapons. After the wars ended those bearing kekkei genkai were hunted down and killed. Only those who hid had any chance of survival. I am sure that the little girl I just killed knew the pain I speak of - the pain of bearing a feared and hated bloodline."

The look on Naruto's face tells Haku that Naruto knows what she is talking about on a personal level.

Haku continues: "My father learned that my mother came from a powerful clan of kekkei genkai users and that I inherited her gift. He killed her to protect himself from a non-existent threat. But when he turned on me...before I knew what I had done, my father was dead by my hand." Haku takes a deep breath. "And then I knew what I was. I was nothing. The most painful thing in the world is to be unwanted. Unneeded. Completely alone. Didn't you tell me you want to be Hokage? That there are people close to you? How much more would they mean to you if they took you in when none else wanted you?" Haku asks.

"Iruka niisan did," whispers Naruto. "Nobody else wanted me since I was born until Iruka niisan."

"Then you know how I felt when Zabuza found me and let me stay by his side," says Haku, tears leaking out of her eyes.

* * *

 _Haku sits on the cold ground, huddled up in a little ball, trying to keep warm. She knows that sooner or later she will either die of cold or hunger. A shinobi walks past her, then stops and turns to look at her. "Another unwanted kid. What a waste," the man says._

 _Haku sees something in the man's eyes that resonates with her. "We have the same eyes," she says, smiling. Might as well be friendly to the first person to pay her any attention. He will probably be the last._

 _The man regards her for a few seconds then says, "You might be useful. Why don't you come with me."_

 _It is not really a question, but she does not care. Somebody wants her. She can be of use. Haku follows the strange man, ignoring everything her parents told her about stranger danger._

 _Some days later, the man, Zabuza leads Haku out of the village. Once they are clear of the houses he tells Haku, "We are leaving this land tonight. But I will return one day and conquer this land. To do that I need you, not to show me love or support but…"_

" _I know," Haku smiles up at him. "I am your tool. I will go where you go, fight alongside you and kill whomever you tell me to kill."_

" _Good girl," says Zabuza._

* * *

"Naruto," says Haku. "Kill me."

"No way!" objects Naruto. "Wanting to die just because I beat you is crazy! You should be wanting to get stronger…"

"I thought you of all people would understand," says Haku.

"Is there really no other way?" asks Naruto, a strange, cold look on his face.

"There is no other way," Haku assures him. "I am sorry you will have to bloody your hands because of me."

Naruto pulls out a kunai and charges Haku.

But the mist is clearing and Haku can see something she does not like. Zabuza is in danger. That attack will kill him. Haku deftly stops Naruto's attack and says, "I am sorry, but there is still one last way I can be of use to Zabuza." Then she throws herself between Zabuza and Kakashi's singing fist of lightning chakra.

Just as the jutsu begins to pierce her flesh, a cloaked figure pushes her away, across the bridge, and diverts Kakashi's jutsu into the bridge below his feet.

The pain in her chest causes Haku to fall into unconsciousness.


	49. Comrades

Inari bangs on door after door, running through the village, calling to the people to come and help. "Come on!" he shouts as he bangs on the door of one of his grandfather's friends. "Mr Giichi, come and help!"

"I'm sorry Inari," says Mr Giichi. "We can't fight, we've lost too much!"

"But that's why we NEED to fight!" shouts Inari desperately. "We have to protect what we still have left with all the strength we have!" Inari runs home, through the rows of houses, shouting "If you won't come with me I'll go alone!"

As Inari runs away, Giichi slowly gets up and walks outside. The rest of the village is doing the same. One by one they leave their houses and watch Inari run home. Inari disappears into his house and Giichi says, "We can't let him go alone."

As one the villagers vanish into their houses and re-emerge carrying whatever they could find that will pass for a weapon. Together the villagers go to Tazuna's house and wait for Inari to come out. When Inari emerges, a tin hat on his head and a small crossbow in his hand, no one says anything.

No one needs to say anything.

* * *

Zabuza thought for sure he was about to meet his end at the hands of the Copy Ninja. But then Haku got in the way. Then that interfering duo Wind and Rain arrived and stopped Kakashi's chidori in its tracks.

Now Zabuza is stuck in the middle of pack of dogs and Haku is lying a few meters away, unconscious, with a bloody gash across her chest. This battle is not going well at all. For all he knows that chidori killed Haku after all and Rain was too late.

"What the hell are you two doing here?!" Zabuza demands.

"We came to stop you from killing each other," says Wind, kneeling down beside the little girl with blue hair.

"Is she…?" Rain sounds upset.

"She's alive!" laughs Wind, and starts pulling Haku's needles out of the little girl. It seems Haku only knocked the kid out.

But, whether Wind and Rain are there or not, Zabuza has a job to do. He wrenches himself free of Kakashi's dogs and swings the Executioner's Blade at the Copy Ninja's neck.

Kakashi ducks and stabs one of the important nerves in Zabuza's left arm. "I wouldn't be doing that if I were in your position," says Kakashi.

Seriously, how does that man manage to look and sound so badass all the time? Now is not the time for feeling jealous, though.

Rain grabs Zazuza in a full nelson and says, "Dammit Zabuza, how many times do we need to tell you: don't take jobs from scumbags!"

"I have a revolution to fund!" snaps Zabuza. If he breaks free he will break his other arm. From his position he can see Haku, lying on the ground bleeding. However, what interests Zabuza more is that behind Haku is Gato and the rest of his henchmen, walking slowly towards the small gathering of shinobi.

Gato stops a few meters short of where Haku lies and laughs. "Zabuza," he says. "There's been a change of plans."

"Gato, what are you doing here?" demands Zabuza. "And why did you bring all of _them_?"

Gato laughs and says, "Actually, I was planning this from the start-"

"Stop playing the pronoun game!" snaps Rain.

Gato frowns. "Who are you?" he demands.

"We are allies of the Hidden Mist," says Wind. "We are here to find Zabuza and have no interest in the reason for this fight. That is your affair, Zabuza's affair and these Leaf ninjas' affair."

"Then you won't mind if my men finish them off?" asks Gato, sneering. "I simply hate having to pay for missing nins, but no village would ever take a contract from me, so I have no other choice. That is why I like to let the missing nin I hire wear himself out fighting another ninja and then kill them when they are worn down."

"That is actually a pretty clever strategy," says Rain nodding.

"Don't encourage him!" snaps Wind. "He is a despicable human being."

Zabuza wonders if Wind and Rain are married. They certainly act like a married couple. "Sorry, Kakashi," says Zabuza. "It looks like our fight is over. I no longer need to kill Tazuna so we no longer have any reason to fight."

Gato walks forward, to where Haku is lying. He stares down at Haku for a few seconds before saying, "This kid certainly didn't live up to all the boasting you did." he nudges Haku with his cane, causing fresh blood to well up out of her injury.

Zabuza feels a little flicker of something which might be emotion, but it's been so long since he's felt any that he cannot be sure.

Gato pokes Haku's injury.

"Zabuza!" yells Kakashi's orange eyesore. "Why aren't you doing anything? Haku worked for you her whole life!"

Gato stops poking Haku to listen.

"Shut up," snaps Zabuza. "Haku will be dead soon anyway. What is there to do?"

"But you should care!" yells Naruto. "She is your comrade!"

"Stupid boy," says Zabuza. "I was just using her, like Gato was using me." But he doesn't believe it - not quite.

"Do you really mean that?" Naruto demands. "Or are you lying to yourself?" he points to Haku. "She really cares about you! She dedicated her whole life to you! Are you really so heartless that you don't even care that Gato is hurting your apprentice?" Naruto starts crying, Zabuza can hear him but not see him as his eyes are fixed on Haku. "Is that how people get when they are powerful? Do they stop caring about others? That's not right!" Naruto is sobbing now. "Don't you know you're the only person she has?"

"Kid," says Zabuza, turning to look at Naruto. "I heard everything she told you." But he hadn't known before. Haku never told him her past. Zabuza can feel tears falling from his eyes. He turns back to see Gato still standing over Haku. Cold rage fills him to the very bones. Haku is Zabuza's apprentice. Haku is practically Zabuza's child. For the first time since he slaughtered 100 academy graduates and was named the Demon of the Hidden Mist, Zabuza allows himself to feel emotion. Realizing he cannot fight to his best potential with one arm down, Zabuza turns to Naruto and says, "Kid, lend me a kunai."

Naruto nods and tosses Zabuza a kunai. Zabuza bites through the bandages covering the lower half of his face and catches the kunai in his teeth. Gato is going to die. With his sword in his working hand and Naruto's kunai in his mouth, Zabuza charges Gato.

Gato retreats behind a wall of bandits like the coward he is.

It does not matter, Zabuza can and will cut through that wall of bandits. As he slices his way through to reach Gato, none of the bandits stand a chance. After the first few bandits fall, the rest start to dive out of his way. They part before him, trampling over each other to avoid his deadly blades. Zabuza cuts up a few of them on the way past because he can, and killing is what Zabuza does.

He is the exact opposite of Haku, who would never hurt anyone.

Gato backs away from Zabuza, cornering himself between the end of the bridge and the ocean. "GET AWAY FROM ME!" Gato screams. "Go to Hell, you demon!"

Zabuza gets right up close so that he is almost nose-to-nose with Gato. Gato has no choice but to look right into Zabuza's eyes and those eyes show nothing but ice cold rage. "I am not going there yet, but I'll be sending you on ahead." Ignoring the Executioner's Blade, Zabuza cuts Gato's head off with the Kunai in his mouth.

As Gato's body falls back into the ocean, Zabuza turns and staggers back to Haku, his numb arm weighing him down. Something is weighing heavily on his heart. Could this be what people call fear of losing someone important? He kneels down beside Haku and stares at her injury. She got that protecting him. He should be the one protecting her. She is his apprentice after all. She is not his bodyguard.

A pair of feet appears in Zabuza's line of sight. He looks up to see Wind standing over him. "If you will allow me, I can heal her," says Wind.

"Save her," says Zabuza. "I'll even join your stupid organization, just SAVE HAKU!" The tears are falling again, but this time his whole face is visible to the Leaf ninjas. Well, there goes his reputation as a heartless killer.

Wind smiles and kneels down beside Zabuza. "I would be happy if you simply went back to your village. Mei Terumi is the Mizukage now. We backed her revolution after all." Wind activates her healing ninjutsu and begins to heal Haku.

"Sasuke! You're awake!" Kakashi's pink nerd yells.

Zabuza looks over Wind's shoulder to see the little Uchiha girl sitting up and looking around at the gathering on the bridge. Confusion is written all over her face. "It's okay Sasuke!" Naruto calls to her, waving. "Zabuza and Haku are our friends now!"

Friends….? Zabuza has never had a friend in his life.

A small noise prompts him to look at Haku. She is opening her eyes, slowly and carefully. Zabuza smiles.

"Z-zabuza sensei?" Haku stammers out.

"Hush and let Wind heal you," says Zabuza. "You did well. But don't ever sacrifice yourself for me like that again, you understand? The apprentice is supposed to carry on the dreams of the master, but you can't do that if you die before me!"

"Yes sensei," says Haku, and closes her eyes again. She is smiling.

"This is all very sweet and heartfelt," sneers one of Gato's thugs. "But aren't you forgetting something?"

"No, why?" says Kakashi.

"We're still here!" yells the bandit. "And we haven't been paid!"

"Well don't ask me to pay you," says Kakashi. "I've got genins to feed."

"Shut up, you!" yells the bandit, pointing at Kakashi. "We outnumber you, so we're gonna kill all of you and take everything valuable in this village!"

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait," says Kakashi, making the appropriate gestures with his hands. "Does that statement include killing Tazuna?"

The bandit is caught off guard. "Well, yeah."

"Alright kids," says Kakashi, all business. "Those C Rank threats want to kill Tazuna! Let's get them!"


	50. The Sacred Scroll of Sealing

"Are you serious?" The bandit asks, his eyebrow raised. "There are like, four of you. What could you possibly do against all of us? We can overpower you, you know."

"Um, sensei?" Says Madoka nervously. " Are you sure we can take them? Everyone except me is injured. They outnumber us 10 to one, and if you take into consideration-"

"NERD!" Says Kakashi. He's been waiting for a opportunity to do that for a while.

Madoka droops like a wilted flower.

"Kakashi sensei, that was mean," says Naruto. "How could you?"

Kakashi turns to look at Naruto in surprise. He did not expect Naruto to be the one calling him out.

"You knew I wanted to do that," continues Naruto. "We had a deal, I was supposed to be the first one to do that!"

"I'm sorry," apologises Kakashi meekly. "I couldn't resist."

Madoka crosses his arms indignantly. "You guys are mean!"

"Hey!" yells the bandit. "What about us? Weren't you going to fight us?"

"Oh yes, our C-Rank threats," nods Kakashi. "We were paid to take care of C-Rank threats after all."

"Then why did you fight Zabuza?" asks Rain. "He's not a C-Rank threat."

"No, but you see, he and Haku attacked us, so we had to defend ourselves," explains Kakashi reasonably.

The bandit takes on a 'seriously dude?' expression. "Aren't ninjas supposed to follow orders though?" the bandit argues. "Isn't defending the bridge builder against bigger threats than you were paid to handle breaking the mission parameters?"

"NERD!"

They all turn to Madoka in surprise. "What?" he says. "That IS satisfying."

"You are right," says Kakashi. "Defending Tazuna from threats higher than C-Rank DOES break the mission parameters. But like I said before: the B and A-Rank threats attacked us first, so we had to defend ourselves." He grins. "Being a ninja is not about following mission parameters, it's about finding the loopholes and exploiting the heck out of them."

Rain starts laughing heartily.

The bandits shrug and charge towards Zabuza and Haku. Kakashi and his genins jump into action. They run forward to defend the still very shell-shocked and teary-eyed Zabuza and his apprentice. Wind is vulnerable too, so long as she is healing Haku. The bandits are going to reach them first.

Kakashi senses Rain molding chakra, ready to do something, when an arrow whizzes past and lands at the lead bandit's feet. Kakashi turns to look behind him and sees Inari, along with the rest of the villagers, standing at the end of the bridge armed with angry-mob weapons. Kakashi senses Rain relax his chakra.

"Hey, you lot!" yells Inari. "This is our village, and you bandits are not welcome here, so GET LOST!"

The bandits do a double-take. The cold determination on the villagers' faces is different to anything they have faced from any town before. The one of them says, "We still have the advantage! Attack!"

"No," says Rain. "You do NOT have the advantage." He takes off the dark cloak concealing his body to reveal a black cloak decorated with red and white clouds. "Do you know this uniform?"

"A-A-Akatsuki!" the bandit's turn and run.

The villagers start cheering.

"What's Akatsuki and why are they so scared of you?" asks Naruto, tugging on Rain's sleeve.

"Akatsuki is an organization made up of shinobi who feel the world needs to change," says Rain. "We have a fearsome reputation."

"WOW!" Naruto's eyes shine in amazement.

Wind ends her healing jutsu and says, "Haku will heal fine on her own now. I will bandage the injury for you, but you must change the bandage every day."

Zabuza nods and says, "Fine, fine - just so long as Haku will be okay."

Wind smiles and bandages Haku's chest. Then she stands up and turns to the people gathered on the bridge. "Next time you are in this kind of trouble," she says. "Unite and fight a bit sooner, eh?"

Rain throws his cloak back around himself. "Let's go, Wind," he says. "We have business elsewhere." The two of them vanish before anyone can stop them.

* * *

"I am beginning to think this was not the best idea," whispers one rogue Uchiha to another.

"Following this Mizuki guy is stupid," the other Uchiha whispers. "We should kill him and be done with it."

The two Uchiha women are waiting for Orochimaru, who summoned them via an ever-increasingly obnoxious Mizuki. At that moment, Orochimaru arrives and smiles the creepiest smile the two women have ever seen. "I would like the two of you to fight," says Orochimaru. "Show me who is stronger."

"Yes Orochimaru sama," says the elder of the pair.

"Is Mizuki still useful?" asks the other. "I want to murder that son of a bitch in cold blood."

"Hear hear."

Orochimaru smiles. "The winner of this match can kill him."

"Oh it is ON!" says the elder Uchiha.

But it is not on. A man and a woman wearing masks and dark cloaks appear out of the shadows in the training room. "We have come for the Sacred Scroll of Sealing."

* * *

Naruto is practicing flying through the trees. He is also patrolling the forest around the bridge for D and C rank threats like rabid squirrels, hired thugs and falling trees. A week has passed since the fight with Zabuza, and the bridge is nearly finished. It should be done in a week. In the meantime, team seven are on patrol duty and Zabuza is waiting for Haku to heal so they can go and join Akataki, or whatever Wind and Rain called their organization. All is calm and quiet in the Land of Waves, so Naruto is taking the opportunity to practice using the antigravity seal.

As Naruto flies past another of the trees he crashed into earlier that morning, he sees two cloaked figures sitting on a tree branch with a scroll sitting between them. It is Wind and Rain. Naruto flies over to them and asks, "Have you guys come to get Zabuza?" Then he notices something about the scroll sitting between the pair. "Hey, that's the scroll Mizuki stole from Grandpa Hokage's house that time!"

"That's right," says Rain, nodding. "We reclaimed it."

"Cool," grins Naruto. "What did you do with Mizuki and his posse?"

"We killed all but one of them," says Wind. "She hid, and since we were after the scroll, we did not bother with her."

"Did you make Mizuki suffer?!" Demands Naruto, eyes shining with bloodlust.

"He suffered a lot," nods Rain. "It was a violent and bloody end."

"In fact," adds Wind, "if it were in a book, the scene would be omitted for being too violent and disturbing for readers to handle."

"YES!" Naruto does a mid-air backflip.

"Catch!" Says Rain, and throws the scroll to Naruto. "Make sure you give this to the Hokage! It is the Leaf's Sacred Scroll of Sealing, and therefore is very important, so don't lose it." Wind and Rain disappear into the trees, leaving Naruto alone with the scroll.

Sacred Scroll of Sealing, huh? Sounds interesting. Besides, they never said he couldn't look at it, just that he has to get it to the Hokage. Naruto opens the scroll and reads the name of the first jutsu. Multi Shadow Clone Jutsu. Naruto cannot make clones. But this jutsu is in a scroll of sealing, so maybe…

Naruto grins and starts reading the instructions for the Multi Shadow Clone Jutsu.

* * *

"KAKASHI SENSEI!" Naruto yells at the top of his lungs as he runs full-tilt towards the bridge where Kakashi is reading while he watches over Tazuna and his workers.

Kakashi looks up from his book. Why is Naruto running? He looks completely worn out and is carrying a scroll on his back. What has that boy been up to this time?

Is that the Sacred Scroll of Sealing?

"Mr ANBU!" He shouts. "Watch this!" Then Naruto makes a familiar hand seal and announces, "Multi Shadow Clone Jutsu." About a hundred Naruto's appear in the surrounding landscape.

Kakashi is not sure whether to freak out about the fact Naruto knows he was in ANBU, or the fact that a fresh genin just mastered an A-rank forbidden jutsu. Instead he tries to be calm and asks, "Where did you get that scroll?"

"Wind and Rain gave it to me," explains Naruto. "They said I have to make sure the Hokage gets it. But they never said I couldn't learn its secrets."

Kakashi stares at Naruto.

"What's the matter, Mr ANBU?" asks Naruto, cocking his head to one side in a most adorable way.

Kakashi takes a deep breath and says, "Naruto, how do you know I used to be in the ANBU black-ops?"

"You were my ANBU," smiles Naruto. "I can tell by your scent!" He grins even wider. "I'm so happy you're my sensei now!" Naruto hugs Kakashi and grins up at him some more.

Kakashi is not sure how to react, so he pats Naruto on the head. "The fact I was in ANBU is a secret." Naruto could smell him. Naruto could smell him the whole time. "I am impressed you knew I was there. But if you know my scent so well, why did it take you so long to figure out it was me?"

"Cause your scent changed," says Naruto. "You smelt like someone else for ages. But that scent is mostly gone now." Naruto scratches his head. "It started fading after we left Konoha."

"Oh," says Kakashi. "The other scent is probably my wife's scent." Kakashi pulls out the picture of his wife and kid that he keeps in his jounin vest and holds it up for Naruto to see. "This is my wife and my kid. Once we get back to the Leaf, you and the other two must meet them…"


	51. Jinchuuriki

The bridge is finally finished. Tazuna is glad to get rid of Kakashi and his three hungry teenagers. They never stop eating. Seriously, their stomachs are like bottomless pits! Well, at least he knows what to expect when Inari reaches that age. He might not have taken out an A Rank mission, but those kids certainly made up the difference with their food consumption.

On the other hand, Tazuna is going to miss having the little brats underfoot. Zabuza and Haku disappeared a week ago, about the same time Naruto acquired a large scroll. Naruto has the scroll strapped to his back and has been studying it as much as he can, but Tazuna is not sure if the boy actually learnt anything besides how to clone himself, a skill which seems to terrify Kakashi.

Voicing some of his thoughts aloud, Tazuna says, "It is going to be rather quiet around here with you lot gone."

"Any time you need help with a squirrel infestation, we're happy to help," says Kakashi.

"Wait a second!" Madoka says, frowning. "Wouldn't dealing with a squirrel infestation be a D Rank?"

"Not anymore," says Kakashi. "Not after my genin team managed to botch it up that one time and we ended up with squirrels in the Fire Damiyo's bedroom."

"Your genin team?" says Naruto. "Do you mean from when you were a kid?"

"Yes, Obito was late onto the scene and the squirrels ran riot."

"How much damage can squirrels cause?!" yells Madoka.

"You don't want to know," says Kakashi, shuddering. "All the same, we'll come and see you again some time."

"You better," says Inari, getting all teary.

Naruto stares hard at Inari and then says, "It's okay if you wanna cry, Inari."

"I am not crying!" insists Inari, who has tears and snot running down his face. "But you can go ahead and cry, if you want!"

Naruto spins around and starts walking away. "No way! I'm not gonna cry!" Tazuna can tell he is crying, though.

The rest of Konoha's Team Seven follows Naruto across the newly finished bridge and heads home after three long weeks away.

Tazuna hits on an idea. "That boy touched Inari's heart, and through him the rest of us. Without him, the bridge would not be finished. He gave us back the strength to fight. How about we name this bridge 'The Great Naruto Bridge'?"

* * *

Kakashi is not surprised that Naruto's grandparents are waiting for him at the gates. What does surprise him is that Sasuke's parents are waiting for them as well.

"Hey guys," says Naruto secretively. "Can you not tell anyone I can control the anti-gravity seal? I wanna have some fun with it."

"Sure," agrees Kakashi. "Have your fun, but don't mess up and end up floating into the clouds. I hear it's hard to breathe up there."

"Um…" Sasuke whispers nervously. "Can you not tell anyone about my sharingan either? I want…" she trails off and blushes.

"You want to tell your parents in your own time?" guesses Kakashi.

Sasuke nods.

"Alright," agrees Kakashi. "I'll let you tell them when you're ready."

Sparky, who up until that moment was flying above them, swoops down to sit on Naruto's head. They arrive at the gates, and Naruto runs to his grandparents yelling, "I'M BACK! I HAD SO MUCH FUN! WE DEFEATED AN EVIL CRIME LORD AND MADE FRIENDS WITH A ROGUE NINJA!"

"WHAT ROGUE NINJA?" demands Kazama, who is now on the verge of panic. "WHAT EVIL CRIME LORD?"

"Calm down," says Kakashi. "The rogue ninja killed the evil crime lord and decided he liked us, that's all. He's also no longer a rogue, as far as I know. The Evil Crime Lord was Gato of Gato Shipping, and the rogue ninja was Zabuza Momochi, Demon of the Hidden Mist. Nothing me and a few puppies couldn't handle."

"Don't forget his apprentice Haku!" chimes in Naruto. "She's pretty."

"NO!" says Arashi, pointing right at Naruto's face. "Don't you go falling for a random Mist ninja too!"

"Why? Do you know someone else who fell for a random Mist ninja?" asks Kakashi. "If they acted on it, it is an S Rank criminal offence."

Arashi goes wide-eyed and a little pale. "No, he just had a crush, that's all."

Kakashi has a sneaky suspicion Arashi is talking about Iruka. "Well that's alright then," he says. "Come, team. We must report to the Hokage."

"Yes, sensei!" Naruto pumps his fist in the air and bounces off in the direction of the Hokage Tower.

"Sasuke," says Fugaku, taking advantage of the quiet. "You know you are not allowed to dye your hair. You are grounded."

Sasuke sniffs, crosses her arms, pouts and turns her head to one side. "Hmff."

Naruto turns back and waves to them. "Hurry up, you guys! I want RAMEN, 'TTEBAYO!"

"Make sure Sasuke comes straight home," says Fugaku. "We need to discuss her grounding sentence."

"Alright," sighs Kakashi. He really can't be bothered babysitting Sasuke. "Madoka, after we've given our report to the Hokage, you are to see Sasuke home."

"Yes, sensei," says Madoka.

* * *

Kakashi sent a messenger bird ahead, asking to give his verbal mission report to the Hokage in private. However, Hiruzen did not expect Naruto to burst into his office and yell, "Old Man, you need to tell me about the red chakra!"

"Naruto, what are you talking about?" asks Hiruzen, his blood running cold.

Kakashi enters, followed closely by Madoka and Sasuke. Sasuke's hair is blue. Fugaku will be pissed when he sees that, unless he's seen it already, in which case he is already pissed. Oh dear.

"Lord Third," says Kakashi. Seriously. "You need to tell Naruto about...well, what happened when he was born. The...you know what...chakra...kinda leaked out a bit...um, yeah."

"Kakashi sensei, what are you on about?" asks Naruto. "What happened? What chakra?"

"Madoka, Sasuke, you had better wait outside," says Hiruzen, realizing that there is no putting-off telling Naruto now.

"No," says Naruto, crossing his arms. "If it's that important, my team mates SHOULD know."

Hiruzen sighs. "Very well, Sasuke, Madoka: you may stay. However, you are not to repeat any of what you hear to anyone. What I am about to tell you is an S Class classified secret. Shut the door, Kakashi."

Kakashi shuts the door and Hiruzen takes a deep breath. This will not be easy. Hiruzen looks from one expectant child to the next and sees the excited expressions on their faces turn to worry as he meets their gaze.

Hiruzen steels himself and begins, "Now, just a little context for Madoka and Sasuke: Naruto's mother, Kushina Uzumaki, came from the Hidden Whirlpool. However, Naruto, your mother did not simply some to the Leaf after the Whirlpool was destroyed like Iruka's family. Kushina came to the Leaf as a child in order to be made a jinchuuriki."

"What's a jinchuuriki?" asks Naruto.

"In the world there are nine tailed beasts," explains the Hokage. "From The one tailed raccoon dog to the nine tailed fox. These beasts are powerful and dangerous. In an effort to control their power, tailed beasts are sealed into people with special chakra properties. A person with a tailed beast sealed into him or her is a jinchuuriki. Kushina's chakra was more potent than that of any other Uzumaki, thus she was chosen to be the jinchuuriki of the Nine Tailed Fox. However, seals are not infallible. When a female jinchuuriki becomes pregnant and gives birth the seal holding in the tailed beast weakens. For this reason, Naruto's father, Minato Namikaze, had to hold the seal closed as Kushina gave birth. But something went wrong the the Fox broke free. In order to stop the Fox's rampage, Minato sealed it into Naruto, who inherited his mother's chakra. Minato used the Reaper Death Seal and the Eight Trigrams Seal to ensure that Naruto would be safe from the fox. However, the sealing killed him. Kushina started dying the moment the Fox broke free of the seal holding it into her, but she did not die until she knew Naruto was safe. The official story is that the Fox is dead. The truth is that you, Naruto, are the jinchuuriki of the Nine Tailed Fox."

Naruto stares at the Hokage, a look of horror on his face. "Is that why…"

"Yes, Naruto," says Kakashi. "That is why so many people hate you. They think you are the Fox and they blame you for the attack. It was the fox's chakra that consumed you on the bridge when you got mad at Haku."

Naruto turns to look up at Kakashi, his eyes beginning to water. "You knew?"

"Yes, but I wanted Lord Hokage to tell you sooner."

Naruto throws off the scroll attached to his back, turns and jumps out of the window, before disappearing into the surrounding buildings.

"Madoka, take Sasuke home now," says Kakashi. "I will tell Lord Hokage about our mission."

"Yes sensei," says Madoka. "Come on, Sasuke." Madoka grabs Sasuke's wrist and leaves, pulling Sasuke along behind him.

* * *

Naruto runs through the streets of Konoha, his eyes blinded by tears. Why did it have to be him? He thought his father loved him, but if he did, then WHY? Naruto's feet carry him to the top of the Fourth Hokage's head. He hunkers down amidst the carved spikes of hair and cries.

"Why, Dad?" Naruto whimpers, pulling out the hiraishin kunai Kakashi sensei gave him. Naruto stares down at the kunai in his hand. His eyes and nose are running, making a mess of his face. "Why Dad? I thought you loved me. Why did you seal the Nine Tails into me? Everyone hates me because of it. Is that what you wanted? For everyone to hate me?"

Naruto does not want anyone to see him upset, so he dries his tears and chokes down his sadness. But how to keep it down? Ramen always cheers him up. Naruto puts away the kunai and runs to Ichiraku Ramen. Ten bowls later he is confident he can at least _appear_ cheerful.


	52. Filler no Jutsu

Naruto is waiting for Kakashi sensei in the usual spot. While he is waiting, he is reading one of the many scrolls Iruka brought back from the Temple of Joe. Sasuke and Madoka are standing around waiting and getting all bored.

"Why is Kakashi sensei always so late?" grumbles Madoka.

"Beats me," shrugs Naruto. Then he has a thought. "Hey, have you ever wondered what is underneath Kakashi sensei's mask?"

"Well now that you mention it, yeah," says Madoka. "I do wonder what is under that mask."

"What about you, Sasuke?" Naruto asks. "Do _you_ wanna know what's under that mask, dattebayo?"

Sasuke nods.

Naruto grins. "Then let's find out! We will need a plan of action, a backup and…"

"Yo," says Kakashi sensei, appearing beside them. "Sorry I'm late, I had to change my son's nappy and take my daughter to the play centre."

"That shouldn't take Two and a half HOURS!" yells Madoka.

"You've never dealt with toddlers and babies, have you?" says Kakashi sensei skeptically.

"Can we do a mission today?" asks Naruto.

"Sure," grins Kakashi sensei. "But don't throw a hissyfit if we end up helping that old lady again."

Team Seven heads to the Hokage Tower to take a mission. On the way, Naruto and Madoka whisper to each other about ways they could get Kakashi sensei's mask off. Sasuke remains as silent as usual.

The team arrives at the tower and Kakashi leads them to the mission desk.

"Got any missions we can do, Grandpa Hokage?" asks Naruto.

"Well, there are a couple here," says the Hokage. "A nice old lady needs help with her groceries and dog, or you could help the police solve a mystery."

"Mystery," says Naruto.

"Definitely," agrees Madoka.

Sasuke nods firmly.

"We'll help the police," says Kakashi sensei.

"I thought you might," says the Hokage, handing Kakashi sensei the mission brief. "Report to Deputy Chief Kinoko Uchiha."

* * *

Deputy Chief Kinoko Uchiha is surprised and slightly terrified when she sees Naruto Uzumaki walk into her office with Kakashi Hatake and the rest of Team Seven. She did not expect this particular team when she requested a genin team to help her long-standing investigation. Sasuke, the pink boy and Kakashi she could have dealt with. Naruto… well, the first time she met him she fobbed him off in the Chief, who got a mustache drawn on his face and hasn't been the same since. Naruto is trouble, but at least it isn't lunch-stealer Hinata whose team got the mission.

Deputy Kinoko does not let any of her thoughts reach her face, however. "So you are the team the Hokage got to help me," she says. "I hope you are up to the challenge. This case has been unsolved for six years."

"So if you guys haven't solved it in six years, what makes you think we can?" Asks Naruto. "We aren't even police!"

"You make a good point, mustache-drawer." Deputy Kinoko turns to the board with the case information on it. "Over the last six years, virtually every cat in Konoha vanished one or two at a time for two or three days. Normally we would not care about such a thing. However, each and every cat disappeared as an ordinary cat and reappeared dressed like a total badass."

"Um, what?" Madoka stares at the case pinup board, which contains before and after pictures of the most recent cats.

"That's so cool, 'ttebayo!" Grins Naruto.

Sasuke doesn't react.

"We need the four of you to find out where these cats go and who transforms them, and why. Do you understand?" Deputy Kinoko orders.

"Yes ma'am!" Chorus Madoka and Naruto. Sasuke nods and Kakashi grins.

"All the information we have is in these folders and on this board. Get to work!"

* * *

"This is the wierdest case I've ever seen," comments Kakashi sensei. "I wouldn't be surprised if Tora returned as a punk cat if we let him run away."

"He'd probably become a gang boss and overthrow the fire daimyo," theories Naruto.

"I wonder if there is a pattern to the disappearances?" muses Madoka. "It seems many of the cats disappeared more than once."

"Maybe we should make a timeline of the disappearances," suggests Naruto. "What do you think, Sasuke?"

Sasuke looks up from rifling through the pictures and shrugs. "I dunno."

"Well you're a fat lot of help," grumbles Madoka. "Let's just make a timeline, Naruto. We'll have to note how long it was between each disappearance of the same cat and see if there is a pattern."

"If there are patterns," says Sasuke quietly. "Wouldn't the police have noticed them by now?"

"Maybe, maybe not," shrugs Kakashi sensei. "It depends how much effort they were actually putting into solving the case."

"I'd say not much, considering they don't have all that much information," says Madoka. "Although the amount of evidence is a lot more substantial the more recent the incident is. It seems that from the first disappearance until now, every cat who vanished more than three months ago has gone missing again since then. Some of them vanished more than once. The longer it has been since their first disappearance, the more times the cat has gone missing. See this cat here?" Madoka holds up a photograph of a fluffy grey cat wearing a leather jacket, a necktie and a pair of groovy shades. "This one has disappeared four times a year for the last three years, always on the first Thursday of every third month...Oh my goodness, it is due to vanish again tonight!"

"Then let's track it!" yells Naruto. "Sasuke, we are going to track the kitty!"

"I'm grounded, I'm not allowed out at night," says Sasuke.

"But it's for a mission!"

"My dad doesn't care."

"I am sure just the two of you can handle stalking a cat," says Kakashi sensei.

"What do you mean, 'the two of you'?" demands Madoka. "Aren't you coming with us?"

"Nope," says Kakashi sensei. "I have night duty."

"Night duty?" asks Naruto, screwing his face up.

"Yes," says Kakashi sensei nodding. "I have night duty looking after my babies."

"Looks like it's just us, then Madoka," sighs Naruto.

"Wimps," mutters Madoka.

"Let's find that cat and follow it!" yells Naruto, fist pumping the air.

* * *

Madoka and Naruto peek over the ridgepole of the house they are sitting on. Down below them a rather fat grey cat slowly meanders across her front yard. "That's the one," whispers Madoka. "Shadow it!"

"Stealth mode, dattebayo," whispers Naruto, slipping down behind the ridgepole and creeping along the tiled roof. This cat will not know he is there. Madoka follows closely behind and the two boys shadow the cat.

Naruto and Madoka follow the cat into an area of the village Naruto has not really been to before. They creep through the streets, making sure to stay out of sight and smell of the cat. A few people give them odd looks, but Naruto just grins, since he recognises them as nice people. The cat jumps in somebody's open window.

"Now what do we do?" whispers Madoka. "These people don't seem like they would appreciate strange kids jumping in someone's window!"

"Madoka, no one would appreciate a strange kid jumping in their window," says Naruto. "I know because I have done it many times."

"Then what do we do?" hisses Madoka. "We'll lose the cat!"

"What are you talking about?" Naruto asks, frowning. He exits stealth mode and walks boldly up to the front door of the house the cat went into. Then he straightens his collar, brushes some dust off his clothes and knocks politely, just like Grandma taught him.

A lady with long black hair opens the door, sees the two boys and smiles. "Hello there," she says. "What are you doing here so late?"

Naruto smiles winningly. "We are helping the police solve a mystery and we followed a stray cat here. It went into your house, may we search for it?"

The nice lady smiles and stands to one side. "Come on in," she says. "Be careful not to break anything while you're catching the cat."

"Yes Lady," says Naruto. "Come on Madoka! Stealthmode, dattebayo." Naruto slips back into stealth mode and starts tracking the cat.

Madoka follows, seemingly surprised about something. "Do you know that lady?" he whispers as the creep into a very girly bedroom.

"Nope," says Naruto. "But she kinda looks familiar, dattebayo." He can hear the lady laughing down the hall.

"Where did the cat go?" asks Madoka. "There are no windows open in here."

"Maybe in here?" Naruto wonders, pulling open the slightly-opened closet. There is no cat, but the back of the closet is slowly closing. Naruto sees a small panel above the skirting boards sliding into place. "There!" he points to it.

Madoka says, "I feel dirty going into a strange girl's closet. What if she loses it and calls us perverts and beats us up?"

"We are on ninja business," says Naruto, and pushes the panel, opening the secret door again. The back of the closet slides downwards, revealing a ladder. Naruto climbs down it, followed closely by Madoka. The find themselves in a comfortable room, lit with soft lights and decorated with cat beds, cushions and fluffy rugs. The lost cats are playing or sleeping on the floor.

Sitting in the middle of the room, with the cat Madoka and Naruto followed there on her lap, is none other than Sasuke Uchiha. "It's not what it looks like!" blurts out Sasuke.


	53. Sasuke's Cat Makeover Emporium

"SASUKE?" yells Naruto, shocked beyond reason.

"SHH!" hisses Sasuke, glaring kunai at Naruto. "I don't want anyone to find this place!"

"Sorry," whispers Naruto. "Are you really the one giving cats makeovers?"

"Yes," nods Sasuke.

"How come?"

"Well," says Sasuke defensively. "My Dad has a ban on non ninja pets, and one day I found this tunnel in the back of my closet after I got grounded and sent to my room. I thought it would be the perfect place to hide stuff I don't want my parents to find. So I started collecting stuff and keeping it down here. Sometimes I brought cats in here to play with for an hour or two. One of the things I had down here was a spiky leather dolls jacket that Dad didn't approve of 'in case I got ideas' or something. One day it fell on one of the cats while we were playing - it was this cat actually," she pats the fat grey cat sitting on her lap. "She looked so badass with the jacket on that I couldn't resist putting a pair of sunglasses on her as well. But when I tried to take the jacket off, she put up a huge fight, so I let her keep it. Then she went off with a bunch of other cats. As far as I know, she didn't go home for a whole week. After that a bunch of other cats came to me and just sat on my bedroom windowsill staring at me until I gave them makeovers too. I had to set this bunker up as a Cat Makeover Emporium, and set up a system for appointments or they would all swamp me at once and I'd be discovered. They only stay here for a few hours - it's not MY fault they go out with the other cats doing whatever it is badassified house cats do." She looks down at the cat in her lap, her face bright red. Then she ads, "The only thing I can't figure out is who looked after the cats while we were in the Land of Waves."

"But your Dad's nice!" says Naruto. "Why won't he let you have a normal cat?"

Sasuke glares swords at Naruto. "My dad might be nice to YOU but he's either telling me what I can't do, grounding me for doing it, or ignoring me!" She shoves Naruto, causing him to fall backwards.

"Sasuke!" scolds Madoka. "That wasn't very nice!"

"Shut up!" snaps Sasuke angrily. Then she blushes and hangs her head, embarrassed.

"Bastard!" yells Naruto, jumping to his feet. "What did you have to push me for?!"

"Shut up, or someone will hear you!" Hisses Sasuke.

"Hey," says Madoka. "Calm down, you two."

Sasuke and Naruto turn and glare at him. The look on Madoka's face wipes the anger off theirs however, and they both look in the direction Madoka is pointing. On Sasuke's lap, the fat grey cat is having kittens.

Madoka puts his hands over his ears to block out the sound of Naruto's panicked scream. Sasuke starts waving her arms around, an expression of pure panic on her face.

"Calm down!" snaps Madoka. He is a medic, even though he does not know a lot about treating animals. "Sasuke, sit still! Naruto shut up!"

Sasuke freezes and Naruto flops onto the floor, completely limp.

Madoka ignores them and helps the cat give birth to four slimy, helpless kittens. The cat licks her kittens clean and transfers them one by one to a nearby basket, which has been converted into a cat bed. She then curls up around her kittens and, purring louder than a gas oven, lets her babies suckle.

Sasuke stands up and says, "I'm going to change my dress." The she climbs up the ladder to her bedroom, adding; "Don't you dare come up here while I'm changing."

"That's a dress?" says Madoka, once Sasuke is gone. "I thought it was a tunic top. I mean, if it was any shorter you'd see her butt."

"I thought it was tiny miniskirt," shrugs Naruto. "I bet it's her dad's idea to wear pants. I mean, she is just so girly, it's out of character for Sasuke to wear tights under her dress. Maybe fishnets, or that mesh armor stuff, but proper tights? Nah."

The two boys grin at each other and burst out laughing.

* * *

Naruto and Madoka walk on either side of Sasuke, who is walking very slowly and carefully. In her hands is the basket containing the fluffy grey cat and its kittens.

"Her house is this way," says Madoka, pointing down a street on their left. Sasuke follows Sakura's directions, and soon the three genins find themselves standing on the front steps of the grey cat's house. "Naruto, knock on the door," orders Madoka.

"Why me?" protests Naruto.

"Because you did such a good job last time!" snaps Madoka.

"Oh yeah?" argues Naruto. "Are you saying you can't do better?"

"I can so!" argues Madoka.

"You're scaring the kittens," says Sasuke.

Madoka ignores her in favour of glaring at Naruto. Then he marches up to the front door and knocks politely. A kid opens the door, sees them, turns and yells, "MUM! THERE'S SOME KIDS AT THE DOOR!"

"TELL THEM WE AREN'T BUYING WHATEVER THEY'RE SELLING!" comes the stressed-sounding reply.

"HEY LADY!" Yells Naruto. "WE AREN'T SELLING ANYTHING! WE'RE HERE ON NINJA BUSINESS!"

"Police business," corrects Sasuke quietly.

"MUM!" Yells the kid. "THEY AREN'T LEAVING!"

A harried woman emerges from the depths of the house with a grubby toddler under one arm. She glares at the three genins on her doorstep and barks, "What do you want?"

"We are helping the police with their investigation into the cat disappearances," says Naruto politely. "We tracked your cat to the secret location where all the cats get makeovers and have brought it back to you. Also, she had kittens while she was there. We all freaked out. Except Madoka. He's a medic. You can have your cat back now."

"ARGH!" Groans the woman. "Not again! I just got rid of the last lot!"

"Why don't you get your cat fixed?" suggests Madoka. "They will do it for free at the shelter."

"I think I will do just that," the woman mutters, taking the basket of kitties from Sasuke's hands. "Who am I gonna fob them off on this time?" she mutters.

"Can I have one?" blurts out Sasuke.

"Sure," agrees the woman. "You can all have one if you want. Come back in eight weeks, they'll be old enough to leave their mother by then." She shoos the kid inside and shuts the door with her foot.

"Sasuke, you aren't allowed a kitten," says Madoka. "But I'm going to ask my parents if I can have one."

"I don't care," says Sasuke, sticking her chin out. "I want a kitty."

"I don't really want one," shrugs Naruto. "I have Sparky. But maybe Grandma or Granddad will want a kitten, so I'll ask them." He walks back to the foot path with his hands behind his head. "We better record our findings and report to Kakashi sensei so we can all go report to Mrs. Kinoko-police-lady, 'tebayo."

"We can't report to Kakashi sensei if we can't find him," grumbles Madoka. "We better just go home and tell him we cracked the case in the morning."

* * *

"I see," says Kakashi sensei, stroking his chin thoughtfully. "So that is what happened. Are you going to tell the police it was Sasuke?"

"NO WAY!" yells Naruto, throwing one hand up in the air. "Her secret is safe with me, dattebayo!"

Kakashi sensei nods a few times and asks, "What did your parents say about the kittens?"

"My Grandma wants one!" Naruto reports.

"I'm allowed one," says Madoka.

"I am not allowed a cat unless it is a ninja cat," says Sasuke. "But I am getting one of those kittens anyway."

Kakashi sensei nods firmly. "That just leaves one kitten. I wonder if my kids would like a pet?" Then he stops stroking his chin and says, "Let's go give our report to the Deputy Inspector, shall we?"

* * *

"OI!" Yells Naruto, bursting into the police station. "MRS. KINOKO POLICE LADY! WE SOLVED THE MYSTERY!"

"Naruto, please use your inside shout," says Deputy Kinoko, sticking her head around her office door. "So who was behind it?"

"I swore a vow of secrecy!" announces Naruto in a much quieter shout. "But know that the person who dresses the cats up does not know where they vanish to. The cats always leave the makeover emporium the same day they arrive. They go there of their own free will. That is all we have to report, dattebayo!"

Deputy Kinoko laughs. "Ever since that case came in, we've assigned it to a fresh genin team after every graduation. After six years, you are the first to solve it!"

"We solved it because we have Sasuke!" boasts Naruto. "And Sasuke is gonna be a policewoman one day, dattebayo!"

"So if the cat mystery is solved," asks one of the junior detectives, sticking his head out of the main office room. "Can we give the pizza mystery to a genin team?"

"Solve it yourself, lazy bum!" snaps Deputy Kinoko.

* * *

Roughly two months later, Team Seven meets outside the grey cat's house to claim their kittens. Naruto brought his Grandma, who has a little cat-carrier in one hand. Kakashi sensei is the last to arrive, but when he does there is a tiny little girl riding piggyback on his shoulders. At first Naruto does not see her because she is so small and her hair is so similar to Kakashi sensei's that it blends in with his. But he definitely sees her when Kakashi sensei lifts her off his back and sets her on the ground.

"Guys, this is my daughter Aki," Kakashi sensei introduces the toddler. "Say 'hi', Aki."

"HI!" Aki waves at Naruto, Sasuke, Madoka and Naruto's Grandma. She has almond-shaped brown eyes and pigtails in her hair. Naruto grins back at the little kid, who is dressed in a white tank top and scarf, a pair of baggy blue pants and blue ninja sandals.

"Hello," says Madoka.

"Aren't you a little cutie?" coos Naruto's Grandma, patting Aki on top of her head.

"KITTIES!" shouts Aki.

"She only has one volume," shrugs Kakashi when Sasuke puts her hands over her ears. "Let's go get these kittens before Aki breaks Sasuke's eardrums."

They knock on the door, and the grey cat's lady shows them to the living room, where the kittens are playing together. "Take your pick," the lady says.

Aki squats down and shuffles towards the kittens. "Kitty, kitty, kitty!" she calls, considerably quieter than before. Showing surprising speed, she grabs one and carefully carries it back to Kakashi sensei. "Daddy! This kitty!"

"Alright," says Kakashi sensei, and, picking up both the kid and the cat, says, "Thank you very much," to the lady, and shunshins out the window.

"Damned jounins," mutters the lady, and shuts the window again.

Sasuke grabs one of the kittens, shoves it down the front of her dress and shunshins out the window.

"Bloody, ninjas," mutters the lady, and closes the window.

Madoka carefully picks up on of the kittens, stuffs it into the box he brought for that purpose and shunshins out the window.

"Dammit!" growls the lady, shutting the window.

Naruto's Grandma scoops up the last remaining kitten, places it carefully in the carry case she bought especially, closes the case carefully, thanks the lady for her generosity and apologises for Kakashi, Madoka and Sasuke's behavior - ninjas are a breed apart, she says. Then Naruto and his Grandma leave by the front door, like civilized people.

Naruto would've like to shunshin out the window, though. Except he doesn't know how. Maybe Shisui will teach him...


	54. Look Who Finally Showed Up

"Sorry I'm late," says Kakashi sensei as he arrives at Team Seven's meeting place three hours late. "I got lost on the road of life."

"Liar!" snaps Madoka, impatiently. "Did you see Naruto on your way here? We haven't seen him all morning."

"No, I haven't seen Naruto today," says Kakashi sensei. "But it's unacceptable to be later than me."

Sasuke isn't sure, but it looks like Kakashi sensei is proud that Naruto is later than him.

Naruto shunshins into the middle of the gathered members of Team Seven and says, "Sorry I'm late, Shisui was teaching me how to shunshin."

"Naruto, if you'd told me you didn't know how to shunshin I would have taught you," says Kakashi sensei. "It is my job to teach you, after all."

"Shisui is better at it than you," shrugs Naruto.

Sasuke is filled with jealousy. Naruto got one-on-one training with Shisui. She pouts and glares at a nearby tree.

"I don't get paid enough for this," mutters Kakashi sensei.

"Wait, you get paid to teach us?"

"No, and that right there is the problem."

"Oh," Naruto appears to be thinking hard. "Then how do you support your family?" he asks.

"Mission money," says Kakashi. "That and both myself and my wife used to do SS Rank missions on a monthly basis when we were in ANBU, so we have a LOT of money left over from back then. SS Rank missions will either make you rich or dead."

"You were in ANBU?" asks Madoka, amazed.

"Yes, but that's an open secret," says Kakashi sensei.

"Open secret…?"

"Everyone knows, but no one is supposed to."

"HOW DOES THAT EVEN HAPPEN!?"

"This is a village full of shinobi. Do you honestly think we _don't_ go snooping around each other's lives?"

"Oh, look!" says Naruto, pointing up at the sky. "Isn't that a summoning hawk?"

The rest of the team look up at the sky. The hawk, who is looking down at the ground below it, circles three times directly above them and flies away. "Well, it looks like I've been summoned to the Hokage tower," says Kakashi sensei. "See ya!" he shunshins away.

"But he just got here!" complains Madoka.

"See, this is why I train with Shisui," says Naruto.

Sasuke feels a stab of jealousy.

"Wait, wait, wait," says Madoka, making 'hold up, a minute' motions with his hands. "Shisui? As in Shisui of the Shunshin? Shisui who is feared by entire nations? That Shisui?"

Naruto frowns at Madoka. "What are you talking about? I meant my pranking buddy Shisui."

"EH?" Madoka's expression is priceless.

"I thought you meant my big sister's boyfriend, Shisui," Sasuke says, and is rewarded by Madoka making an even more hilarious expression. Confusing Madoka is fun.

A square rock with eyes and six legs creeps up behind Naruto. Naruto eyes it out of the corner of his eyes and walks away from it. The rock follows Naruto. Naruto walks a little faster. The rock walks a little faster too. Naruto tries running. The rock stands up and runs after him, three pairs of little legs scrambling to keep up. Naruto whips around and glares at the rock, which hunkers down and pretends it never moved. "Alright, come out!" orders Naruto. "That disguise is terrible! Rocks aren't square!"

"Aw, you figured it out!" says the rock. "You are clever, boss." Three little kids crawl out from under the rock, which seems to be made of cardboard.

"I'm Moegi!" says the little girl, striking a pose.

"I'm Udon!" says the boy with glasses and a glob of snot hanging out of his nose, mirroring the girl's pose.

"And I'm Konohamaru!" says the boy with the scarf. "Together we are…"

"The Konohamaru Trio!" the three kids say in unison, as the scarf boy strikes a pose of his own.

"You guys again?" groans Naruto. "Stop following me around, 'tetabayo!"

"But you are our boss!" protests Konohamaru, crossing his arms and trying to play it cool. "We must follow you!"

"Whatever," Naruto rolls his eyes. "What's with the goggles?"

"You used to wear goggles!" says Konohamaru. "So we are copying you!"

"Riiiiiight," says Naruto, skeptically. Sasuke can tell he doesn't want these kids around right now.

"Whadda ya mean by that?" demands Konohamaru, angrily. "Do you think you're better than us, or something?"

"Well yeah," says Naruto. "What do you want?"

"You promised you'd play with us today!" whines Konohamaru.

"I have to train first!" Naruto snaps Naruto.

"What are you doing, playing with little kids, anyway?" demands Madoka, glaring at Naruto.

"Hey boss?" asks Konohamaru. "Who's the babe with the pink hair?"

Sasuke claps both of her hands over her mouth, trying not to simultaneously scream and laugh.

"I. Am. A. BOY!" Grinds out Madoka, stomping towards Naruto and his little sidekicks.

"He's sorry!" Naruto tries to apologize for Konohamaru. "It was an honest mistake! I mean, with your long, pink hair anyone might mistake you for a girl at first!"

"What do do you mean, 'ANYONE'?" Madoka demands, cracking his knuckles. "Did YOU think I was a girl at any point?"

"Well maybe…" squeaks Naruto. "But then I saw your ugly face…"

"RUN BOSS!" Konohamaru yells, turning and running for his life. His posse follows.

Madoka cracks his neck.

Naruto screams like a little girl and runs after the Konohamaru trio. Madoka chases after him. Sasuke follows via the trees, wanting to stay out of it, but curious to see how things will play out.

A short way down the street, Konohamaru runs headlong into a boy wearing an ugly black jumpsuit, a hat that makes him look like a kitty and tacky purple face paint. Sasuke smirks, thinking Shino could easily kick this idiot's ass. The stupid-looking jumpsuit boy picks Konohamaru up by his scarf and says, "What do you think you're doing, punk?"

"Put me down!" yelps Konohamaru, struggling to get free.

"I don't like little kids," sneers the boy, holding Konohamaru up at eye level. "And you just pissed me off, so I'm gonna beat you real good."

"Put him down, now," orders Naruto, his voice cold as a fifty foot thick iceberg.

"Well look at that," sneers the boy. "There are more runts for me to beat up."

"Kankuro, put the kid down," says the blonde, pig-tailed girl standing behind the strange boy. "We don't want to cause trouble."

"Aw, come on, Temari," says the boy. "We've got plenty of time before _he_ gets here. I wanna have some fun."

Sasuke sees Naruto pulling out a seal scroll and decides to take action. There is no way she is gonna let two ugly kids wearing Hidden Sand Headbands see Naruto at his best. If someone is going to shine in this situation, it is going to be SASUKE. Sasuke pulls a couple of stones out of her pocket and throws one, charged with a little chakra, at the ugly boy's hand. The boy yelps and drops Konohamaru.

"I wouldn't be trying to beat up the Hokage's grandson if I were you," says Sasuke intimidatingly. She knows she looks at least a little threatening, now that she doesn't wear a bow.

"Oh look," says the ugly sand boy. "Another punk for me to beat up."

Sasuke glares at him and crushes the rock in her hand to powder using chakra.

The ugly boy grins and takes the giant, wrapped thing off his back. The bandages wrapping the Thing begin to unwind, floating in the air in a most creepy fashion. Sasuke has to suppress a shudder of disgust. Ew! What is he, a zombie master?

"Woah, Kankuro!" the girl frowns in worry. "You shouldn't use The Crow for this!"

Crow…?

"Kankuro," says a gravelly voice from beside Sasuke. "Stop that right now. You are a disgrace to our village."


	55. Of Sand and Leaf

"Well I am sure you can all guess why I have gathered you here," says Lord Third, surveying the gathered jounin senseis.

"Is it that time of year already?" asks Kakashi.

"Have you informed the lords of the other lands?" asks Genma. "I think I saw some of them in our village already."

"Wait, are we getting invaded?" asks Shisui, a look of panic on his face.

Everyone else facepalms.

"No you idiot," says Iruka, wondering who decided it was a good idea to make Shisui a jounin sensei. "It's time for the chunin exams."

"Shisui," says Asuma. "You need to snap out of your post-make-out-session euphoria."

Shisui goes very red. "How did you know?" he asks, sounding half embarrassed and half in awe.

"You were tidying up your clothes when you arrived," says Asuma. "Your observational skills are 80% lower than normal, your hair's a mess and you have a fresh bite mark just below your collar. Need I say more?"

Shisui goes white. "Please don't tell Fugaku sama!"

Lord Third clears his throat.

The jounin fall to attention, Asuma still grinning and Shisui still pale.

"Let's just get down to business," says Lord Third. "One week from today, on July the First, we will begin conducting the Chunin Selection Exams. Now then, I think we should hear from those jounin overseeing our newest genin. Kakashi sensei, Asuma sensei, Kurenai sensei; do you have any students you believe to be ready for the Chunin Exam? Bear in mind that in order to qualify, they must have completed a minimum of eight missions. Aside from that, your own word that they are ready is enough. However, to truly be able to compete, candidates should have completed at least double the recommended number of missions."

Iruka personally thinks that if these jounin recommend their teams, the other candidates will be the ones to worry about.

"Kakashi, you may begin," says Lord Third.

Kakashi sensei steps forward. "I, Kakashi Hatake, leader of Team Seven, which consists of Sasuke Uchiha, Madoka Haruno and Naruto Uzumaki, hereby recommend all three of my students for the Chunin Selection exam."

Iruka feels a stab of pity for the other chunin exam contestants.

Then Asuma sensei steps forward. "Asuma Sarutobi, leader of Team Ten, which consists of Shikamaru Nara, Choji Akimichi and ino Yamanaka. I also recommend all three of my students for the Chunin Selection exam."

Iruka wonders if the test will be alright. That's three members of the Prankster Gang right there.

Kurenai steps forward next. "I, Kurenai Yuhi, leader of Team Eight of Konoha, recommend my students Hinata Hyuuga, Shino Aburame and Kiba Inuzuka for the Chunin Selection exam."

Iruka slaps his hands over his mouth to stop an explosive laugh from escaping. This is gonna be the best chunin exams ever.

"Now we shall hear from the team leaders of last year's graduates," says the Hokage. Gai sensei, Shisui sensei, have you any students you would like to recommend for the Chunin Selection exam?"

Might Gai steps forward first. "I, Might Gai, leader of Team Three, which consists of Neji Hyuga, Rock Lee and Tenten, recommend all three of my students for the Chunin Selection exam."

Iruka wonders if the jounin are trying to one-up each other. Rivalry is an odd thing.

Then Shisui steps forward. "I, Shisui Uchiha, leader of Team Five, recommend my three students, Sai, Shin and Karin Uzumaki for the Chunin Selection exam."

"Uzumaki?" says Lord Third, frowning. "There are no records that Karin of Team Five is an Uzumaki."

"She is," says Shisui. "You better put it on your records, Lord Hokage."

Interesting, Karin is using her clan name now. Iruka wonders what influenced her to do so. Iruka is looking forward to seeing how these Exams pan out.

* * *

Temari of the Hidden Sand feels her blood run cold. Slowly she turns to the tree the blue haired Leaf kunoichi is sitting in. Sure enough, standing upside down on a branch close to leaf kunoichi is Temari and Kankuro's little brother, Gaara. Gaara, to put it lightly, is in a _delicate mental state_. Thankfully, Gaara only seems mildly annoyed instead of angry.

"G-Gaara!" stammers Kankuro.

"You are a complete idiot, and I am ashamed to be related to you," says Gaara. "How dare you lose control of yourself in a simple argument with little children?"

Temari agrees wholeheartedly, but doesn't say so, in case it annoys Gaara. He always gets annoyed when he thinks she or Kankuro are buttering up to him.

"But Gaara!" whines Kankuro. "They started it! The little guy slammed into me!"

Temari has had enough. She grabs Kankuro by the ear and yells right into it. "Stop behaving like a five year old! We are not here to make ourselves look like morons!" she lectures him.

"Kankuro if you do something like this again, I will kill you," says Gaara.

"I'm sure that won't be necessary, Gaara," says Temari, trying to make it seem to the Leaf ninjas that Gaara isn't serious. "He won't do it again!" she tries to laugh. Hopefully the Leaf kids are as stupid as they look.

In a swirl of sand, Gaara teleports himself from the tree to the footpath beside Temari and Kankuro. "I know we are early," says Gaara. "But we are not here to kid around." He turns and starts to walk away from the Leaf ninjas. "Let's go."

"Wait!" calls the pink haired boy.

"Yes?" says Gaara, turning around.

"According to your headband, you are from the Village Hidden in the Sand, correct?" asks the pink boy. "Our countries are allies, but according to our treaty, ninja from your country need a permit to cross our borders-"

"NERD!" yells the blonde boy.

"SHADDUP, NARUTO!" yells the pink boy. "IF THEY DON'T HAVE PERMITS, THEN WE CAN'T JUST LET THEM WANDER AROUND THE VILLAGE!"

The blonde boy, Naruto, turns to Temari and her brothers. "Do you have permits, 'tebayo?" he asks casually.

"Yes," says Temari, holding up her permit. "We are here for the chunin exams."

Naruto's eyes widen. "Is it really chunin exam time?! I wondered when they were going to be! Hey, Madoka!" he slaps the pink haired boy in the shoulder. "Do you think Kakashi sensei will let us take part?"

"The chunin exams?" says the pink boy, Madoka. "But we only graduated a few months ago. There's no way we're ready, right Sasuke?"

"I can't take part anyway," says the blue haired girl. "I'm grounded."

"THAT'S BECAUSE YOU DYED YOUR HAIR BLUE!" Yells Madoka.

"I was already grounded," says the girl, Sasuke, blushing bright red.

"Aw, that sucks," says Naruto. "Maybe I can talk to your Dad?"

"Wouldn't work," says Sasuke, crossing her arms and turning her head away indignantly. Then she jumps down beside her teammates and...hides behind Naruto? Is this girl shy or something? Temari is not sure what to think of this girl who is super confident in a fight but who hides in shyness once it's over.

"Uh, Sasuke, what are you doing?" asks Naruto in confusion.

"Shut up!" snaps Sasuke.

Naruto shrugs and says, "I'm Naruto Uzumaki, who are you three?"

Temari is taken aback by his forwardness and responds kinda nervously. "I'm Temari and these two weirdos are my brothers, Kankuro and Gaara."

"How come one of your brothers is dressed like a kitty?" asks Naruto.

"I am not!" protests Kankuro.

"We are leaving," says Gaara, firmly. "I don't want to catch stupid."

"Gaara, stupid isn't contagious," laughs Naruto. "You're funny! I like you! Wanna be my friend?"

Temari's blood freezes. Why would he even ask that?

Gaara stares at Naruto for a few seconds then turns away and says, "Why would I want to be friends with a loser like you?" Then he shunshins away.

Temari laughs nervously and shunshins after Gaara. Kankuro follows close behind.

* * *

Up in a tree near the now arguing Konoha genin team, a team of genin from the Hidden Sound are watching with interest.

"So what do you think?" asks Zaku Abumi.

"The blue haired girl might be a problem," says Kin Tsuchi.

"I am interested in the Uzumaki and the red haired Sand boy," says Dosu Kinuta. "The rest do not interest me."

"The nerd definitely won't be a problem," smirks Zaku. "And the other two Sand genin look like they are just there to make a full team. But the Uchiha is probably pretty strong."

"Maybe," says Dosu. "But she is not on our level, and certainly nowhere near that Sand boy's level."


	56. Ibiki Would be Proud

Kakashi arrives at afternoon training about four hours late. "Sorry I'm late," he says completely non-apologetically. "I wandered a bit from the path of life."

"If that lie was any more obvious, your pants would be on fire!" yells Madoka.

"Calm down," says Kakashi, holding up three official-looking forms. "I brought you registration forms for the chunin exams."

"Kakashi sensei, you're the best!" yells Naruto, throwing his arms around Kakashi.

"Are you sure we're ready for this?" asks Madoka nervously.

"Yes," says Kakashi. "But it's entirely up to each of you whether or not you compete. If you do want to compete, fill out the forms and go to the Academy, and hand in your forms at room 301 by 4pm."

"AWESOME!" yells Naruto, throwing his arms in the air. "I'm gonna get all the way to the finals and show off my flying seal!"

"I can honestly say that technique will scare quite a few people," says Kakashi. "Definitely save it."

"Yes!" shouts Naruto, doing an aerial backflip. "This morning, I pretended to lose control of it in my sleep and Grandma and Grandpa panicked so much until I pretended to remember how to shut it off." He grins widely. "I even tricked Mr. Nice Police Man by pretending to lose control of the seal outside the police station. He freaked out so much."

"Well, so long as you don't actually lose control of it, keep up the good work," says Kakashi, giving Naruto a cheerful thumbs-up.

"WHY ARE YOU ENCOURAGING THIS?" demands Madoka.

"Why are you getting your pants in a knot over this?" counters Kakashi. Then he turns his attention to Sasuke. "Sasuke, have you told your family that you have the sharingan yet?"

Sasuke blushes and looks down at her feet. "No," she mumbles.

"Then you have two options," says Kakashi. "You can either tell them as soon as you get home, or you can save it and surprise them in the chunin exams. That's if your grounding sentence doesn't forbid you from competing, not that I care about that. Take it if you want to." He raises a hand. "Well, see ya!" Kakashi shunshins away.

"I am beginning to understand why you train with Shisui," says Madoka. "But doesn't he have his own genin team?"

"Yeah!" Naruto says. "Maybe they'll be taking part in the chunin exams too!"

"I have to ask my parents if I can compete," says Sasuke, and leaves her idiot teammates to go home. Her mum should be there looking after The Brother.

"Hey Sasuke, where are you going?" calls Naruto. "We can still train without sensei! You can talk to your parents later!"

Sasuke does not reply, but just keeps walking. When she finally arrives at her home, she finds The Brother sitting inside by the door. She has to pull off some nifty taijutsu to stop him from latching on to her leg. Stupid kid.

Sasuke's mother emerges from somewhere. "Oh, Sasuke," she says. "You're home. Good. I need to go into town to get some things, can you watch Eizo while I'm gone?" Without waiting for an answer, Sasuke's mother leaves, waving good bye and calling over her shoulder, "I'll be back in a couple of hours, don't let him get into the knife drawer!"

Sasuke stands in the hall staring at the closed front door for a whole minute. During that time, her brother stares up at Sasuke with a frown on his face. Finally, Sasuke looks down at Eizo-Mori. She glares at him.

Eizo stares up at Sasuke, then he smiles cunningly.

What is he up to, Sasuke wonders.

Then Eizo screams.

And screams. And starts bawling his eyes out and howling worse than a lost puppy.

Sasuke runs to her room, grabs her kitten and retreats to the old bomb shelter in the back of her wardrobe. Unfortunately she can still hear Eizo screaming. Sasuke tries to calm her kitten down, and decide on a name for him. The fluffy, grey, flat-nosed kitten is trying to run and hide from Eizo's screaming. Sasuke got grounded for a whole four weeks for getting this kitten, making her current sentence equal 52 weeks in total. A whole year's worth of grounding. But at least she was allowed to keep the kitten - on the condition that she be the only one to look after it. Her Dad said she has to take responsibility for her actions.

But The Brother is still screaming, so Sasuke cannot think of a name for her kitten. Stupid brat needs to shut up. After what seems like an eternity, Sasuke is finally fed up enough to stomp back to the front door, where Eizo is still sitting on the floor screaming, his mouth wider than the gap between Naruto and common sense. His face is wet and sticky with tears and snot. Gross. When Eizo sees Sasuke, he increases the volume of his screaming by a half.

"SHUT UP!" Sasuke yells.

Eizo jumps in fright, chokes on his next scream, coughs and screams louder than before.

Sasuke feels like screaming herself. The kitten is hiding under her bed. "Stop screaming!" Sasuke begs.

Eizo screams louder.

In a last desperate attempt to shut her brother up, Sasuke asks, "If I pick you up, will you stop screaming?"

Eizo waves his arms in the air, still screaming.

Sasuke gingerly picks him up under the armpits and holds him at arms' length. What is she supposed to do with him? She's never held him or any baby before. Eizo's screams settle down to a passionate sobbing. He stretches his arms towards Sasuke, who pulls him closer, in hopes it will stop him crying completely. Eizo stops his crying, choking back the last few sobs and burrowing his head into Sasuke's shoulder. Sasuke's dress is soaked where Eizo's face touches it almost instantly.

Eizo is kind of soft and warm, Sasuke notes. She adjusts her hold on him so that he is sitting in her arms rather than hanging with his legs dangling.

Eizo sits back and looks at Sasuke, his face still all wet and shiny. Then he grabs a lock of her blue hair and laughs. "PWETTY!" he yells. "PWETTY PWETTY PWETTY!"

Figures that her baby brother is the only one who actually likes her new hair colour. Then Sasuke realizes something. She has never heard Eizo talk before. She had always just assumed he couldn't. Seems he can. Eizo is kind of cute, in a chubby, sticky, round kind of way. Still, that mess of snot and tears must go.

Ten minutes and half a box of tissues, three paper towels and a lot of soap later Eizo-Mori is de-grossified. Sasuke tries to put Eizo down so she can change her sticky dress. Unfortunately, he clings like duct tape so she has to take him with her to her room and juggle him around while she finds a clean dress, and then sit down with him on her lap to change it. Once the sticky dress is in the wash and the kitten is out from underneath Sasuke's bed, Sasuke sits down on the living room floor with both kitten and brother, and introduces them to each other.

After a few minutes, Eizo is more interested in the kitten than in Sasuke, and Sasuke is able to free herself from his vice-like grip. Just as Sasuke has finished disentangling herself and stands up, she hears the unmistakable sound of her mother getting home from town. Sasuke glares at Eizo and says, "By no means does this make us friends!" Then she stalks off to the opposite side of the room to pretend she wasn't just cuddling her baby brother.

Eizo looks over at Sasuke and laughs.

* * *

Something is bugging Sasuke. Itachi is not sure what it is, but if they are patient, Sasuke will spill the beans. Mmm, beans. Itachi munches her beans happily. Beans are exactly what she's been wanting all day. Sasuke's problems don't seem nearly as important to Itachi as eating those awful, wonderful beans. Besides, her kid sister will cough up the information sooner or later.

Eizo, ever the adventurer, climbs off their mother's lap and starts crawling around the table. He makes adorable babbling noises as he goes. He hasn't shown much interest in walking yet, but neither Itachi nor her parents mind. He's cute, and that's all that matters. "Pitty, pitty, pitty," Eizo giggles as he crawls past Itachi to where Sasuke is sitting pushing her food around her plate. Eizo giggles. "Nene."

If Itachi didn't know any better, it would almost seem like Eizo is trying to say actual words, instead of his usual grunts and cooing.

Their parents are not paying much attention to Eizo, if anything they seem more interested in having a silent conversation about who is going to try and get Sasuke to talk about what is bothering her. They don't seem to realize that if they wait quietly Sasuke will speak up eventually.

Itachi watches out of the corner of her eye to see if Sasuke will scoot away from Eizo or just get up and leave like she normally does. Come to think of it, Itachi does not remember ever seeing Sasuke touch Eizo. Just as Eizo is getting within touching range, Sasuke glares down at their little brother. Surprisingly, she lets him sit down beside her.

Eizo pats Sasuke's arm and makes one of his grunting noises, the one he usually makes before he tries to climb on someone's lap. Sasuke glares at Eizo. Eizo laughs and grabs a hold of Sasuke's sleeve, then uses it to pull himself up onto his feet. Then he grabs a fistful of Sasuke's hair and yells, "PRETTY!"

Itachi drops her chopsticks.

Her father chokes on his mouthful of food.

Her mother gasps and covers her mouth with one hand.

"Ow, get off!" protests Sasuke.

"PRETTY! PRETTY! PRETTY!" laughs Eizo-Mori, tugging on Sasuke's hair.

Sasuke notices the looks on Itachi and their parent's faces. "What's the matter?" she asks, confused.

"That's…" their mother takes a deep breath. "That's his first word."

An expression of utter confusion spreads across Sasuke's face. "But he said it before, while you were out…"

Eizo, oblivious to the stir his outburst caused, climbs onto Sasuke's lap and says happily, "Pretty neechan." Then he settles down and goes to sleep.

Itachi and her parents stare at Sasuke and Eizo, completely dumbfounded.


	57. Oops

Kazama has a headache. She has had that headache since Team Seven got back from the Land of Waves. The reason for her headache? Naruto lost control of that stupid anti-gravity seal while away on that mission. They used to have the occasional floating incident, but Naruto always shut it off fairly quickly once he got the hang of turning the seal off. But since the that mission to the Land of Waves, Naruto has been losing control of the seal with increasing frequency. As a result, Kazama has a headache.

 _I am far too old for this,_ she thinks to herself. Seriously, why couldn't Minato have had a _normal_ child? At least Iruka is relatively normal. If his brain wasn't hardwired towards dealing with Naruto's special brand of craziness, Kazama might say Iruka is completely normal.

Kazama sighs and asks Naruto, "Naruto, why are you bouncing off the walls?"

"I'm practicing my shunshin," explains Naruto. "I'm gonna need it for the chunin exams if I wanna look like a badass, 'tebayo."

"The chunin exams?" questions Kazama. "Isn't it a bit early for you to be taking the chunin exams?"

"Kakashi sensei doesn't think so," grins Naruto, bouncing onto the ceiling. "He gave us application forms!"

Kazama starts internally screaming. She takes a deep breath to calm herself and asks, "When do the exams start?"

"Next Friday!" announces Naruto. "I'm SO gonna win, 'tebayo!"

Of course he would say that. "You have plenty of time to practice until then, so stop shunshining in the house," says Kazama firmly. "Now please go and wash up for dinner."

"Yes Grandma," says Naruto, and thankfully stops shunshining around the kitchen. He trots off to go and wash up, leaving Kazama with a few precious moments of blessed peace. Grandchildren are supposed to be a delight, and Naruto is, very much so - but he is also the source of constant headaches. As much as she loves the boy, sometimes Kazama just wants to strangle him and hide the body.

When Naruto returns, and Iruka and Arashi emerge from their respective offices, the five of them sit down to eat. Iruka's office is his bedroom, which somehow manages to stay immaculate, no matter how much Naruto goes in there. Arashi on the other hand has a den that is never tidy because, for every five minutes Naruto spends in there, a week's worth of cleaning is required. Arashi could be retired by now, but he says on many an occasions that he will not retire until he is dead and cold in his grave. Until then, he is going to keep researching the history of the Elemental Nations. Well, Naruto definitely gets his unbreakable drive from Arashi's side of the family.

At the beginning of the meal there is a brief period of no conversation as Naruto stuffs 25% of the food on the table into his mouth and the rest of them grab as much as they can before he gets to it. Even if the food is not ramen, Naruto will still pack away as much as he can find, so they have to get in quick. The only person who Kazama has ever seen eat more than Naruto is Hinata. After the first few minutes, Naruto slows down and starts chatting away in his loudest inside-yell.

"Iruka niisan, I'm taking the chunin exams," he says. "And I'm gonna pass it the first time around, because I'm going to take it with my team and we know each other, not like when you took it the first time and you had to go with a strange team because your teammates already took it, since you were sick that time and they had to find a different teammate. But Sasuke might not be allowed to take the exams because she is grounded, but she'll probably take the exams anyway, and Madoka is a nerd and thinks we aren't ready…" _munch, munch munch, gasp_ "...but Kakashi sensei recons we are and I totally got this, since I know the multi shadow clone jutsu and what country are you researching now, Grandpa?" Naruto takes a swig of his glass of water and continues without breaking his stride. "Is it a cool country or a lame country or one of the countries that got destroyed in the Ninja wars or is it still standing or-" Naruto starts choking on his mouthful and Iruka slaps him on the back.

Arashi laughs and says, "I am researching the Hidden Whirlpool."

Naruto face lights up with excited sparkles and his eyes increase in size twofold and get all shiny. "Really?!" he asks, clasping his hands together.

"Yes really," says Arashi.

"Do you realize the magnitude of what you are undertaking?" asks Iruka, nicking the rice ball Naruto pinched earlier back off Naruto's plate.

"Yes, this research will take years," says Arashi. "I am well aware of the magnitude of this project. But what's this about you taking the chunin exams, Naruto?"

"The chunin exams start next friday," says Naruto. "Kakashi sensei got us application forms and...WAAAH! My chopsticks are floating!" Sure enough, Naruto's chopsticks are taking an impromptu trip to the ceiling.

"Is that seal affecting the things you touch now?" groans Iruka. "Honestly, you need to learn to control that thing."

"Come back, chopsticks!" yells Naruto, jumping up and grabbing at them. "I need you to eat with!" He sits back down and tried to eat. The chopsticks break free of his grasp and float back up to the ceiling. Naruto's eyes widen in horror. Then he starts running around the room in panic yelling, "My chopsticks are haunted! Kill them with fire! Get them away! NOO!"

"Calm down!" snaps Iruka, grabbing Naruto by the beck of his jacket. "They are not haunted. They are simply floating because of the anti-gravity seal. You must've somehow transferred the effects of the seal to the chopsticks."

"I know that's what happened!" whines Naruto. "But now I can't figure out how turn their gravity back on! It's not the same as for me!"

Kazama sighs. "Then just leave them there until you do," she says, and gets Naruto another pair of chopsticks.

* * *

Fugaku knows Sasuke wants to talk to him about something. Fugaku also knows that Sasuke is not going to talk to him if he accidentally scares her off. Considering the fact that Sasuke is most scared of Fugaku's resting face, he is not going to hold his breath on that one. Best to just straight up ask her what's eating at her and get it over with. Taking a deep breath to mentally prepare himself, Fugaku walks up to Sasuke, who is sitting by the window reading with that damned kitten on her lap.

"Sasuke," says Fugaku, trying his best not to sound disapproving or angry, his default tones of voice. "What is it you want to talk to me about?"

Sasuke looks up at him and says, "I want to take the chunin exams."

Oh dear. Fugaku had hoped it wouldn't come to this, but he made up his mind that so long as Sasuke is grounded she will not be allowed to take part in the chunin exams if she added to her sentence in the last month. But rules are rules, and he can't go back on his decision - even if only he and Mikoto actually know about it. "I'm sorry Sasuke," says Fugaku, shaking his head. "You will have to give it a pass this time. I didn't think your sensei would recommend you until the next exam, so I did not tell you the rules about the Exams for while you are grounded."

Sasuke stares up at Fugaku with a sad expression on her face that almost crumbles his resolve. "The rule is: you may only participate in the chunin exams if you have not added to your grounding sentence within the month preceding the start date. And you got grounded twice this week." Fugaku crosses his arms in disapproval - damn. Damn it all, he was trying to be as un-scary as possible. The arm cross also scares Sasuke. Fugaku uncrosses his arms again and adds, "I'm sorry, but I am not making an exception."

Sasuke turns her head away and _humph_ s.

Fugaku notices something. "Did you get your ears pierced?" he demands. "You know you are not allowed to have your ears pierced until you are 15."

Sasuke puts her hands over her ears and glares at Fugaku.

Fugaku glares right back. "You get one week per piercing!"

"But that's three weeks!" whines Sasuke, then claps her hands over her mouth.

"Sasuke," says Fugaku sternly. "Where else did you get a piercing?" Please let it just be her belly-button and not something worse…!

"My belly button," says Sasuke.

Fugaku takes a calming breath and says, "I'm going to have to ask you to take all those piercings out. You should have just waited for two more years."

Sasuke gets up and runs to her room, leaving the cat and the book behind. Fugaku bends down to pick up the book, which landed upside down with its pages bent when Sasuke dropped it. Thankfully, it is age appropriate, not like those other books by Jiraiya that he and Mikoto keep catching her with.

"Hey Dad?" Itachi walks into the living room eating a bowl of ice cream and peanuts. "Why's Sasuke crying?"

Fugaku slumps into the chair Sasuke was sitting in a few seconds ago and says, "I just forbid her from taking part in the Chunin Exams and added three weeks to her sentence."

"Damn," says Itachi and goes back to eating her odd snack.

The kitten jumps up on Fugaku's lap and starts purring. "Get off, I don't want you," Fugaku tells it, trying to push it off. "Have you got peanuts for brains, or something? Go away."

The cat refuses to budge. Itachi laughs. "I think he likes you!" Then she wanders off, probably to cheer Sasuke up.

Fugaku resigns himself to his fate and sighs. That cat isn't moving any time soon. "Well, peanut-brain," he says, putting its head. "That couldn't have gone worse if I tried."


	58. Shisui Goofs up Big Time

The opening day of the Chunin Exams dawns bright and clear. Sasuke's parents keep her home all day under Itachi's supervision in order to prevent her from entering the Exams. Sasuke is not too worried, since Naruto keeps backup equipment for the entire team sealed into the sleeves of his jacket and all she needs to do is turn up for the exam, since he has the equipment. The real problem is timing it right. If she leaves too soon, they will stop her from entering in time. If she leaves too late, she will miss the deadline. Sasuke bides her time patiently.

Eventually, Sasuke's mother takes Eizo out for his afternoon walk, leaving Sasuke alone with Itachi. Sasuke is plotting in her head how to convince Itachi to let her go to the exam when Shisui shunshins into the living room where Itachi is eating an entire cabbage and Sasuke is reading a novel she won't get grounded for reading.

"Sup!" Says Shisui. "Are your parents home?"

"Shisui, you know perfectly well they are not," says Itachi.

"Nice," says Shisui, and somehow slides under Itachi so that she is sitting on his lap. "Sasuke, you better hurry if you want to make the Chunin Exams on time."

"Sasuke isn't allowed to go because she is grounded."

"I will cover for you, kid," says Shisui.

"And I will feed your cat if you make it to the next round," adds Itachi. "Now go."

Sasuke knows they are just trying to get rid of her so they can be alone, but she doesn't care because she wants to do the chunin exam. So Sasuke shunshins out the window and makes a bee-line for the Academy.

She arrives to find Madoka and Naruto anxiously waiting for her.

"Thank goodness you are here!" says Naruto. "We were worried your parents wouldn't let you come. If you'd been any longer, I would've fetched you."

Sasuke had no idea her teammates wanted her there that much.

"After all," continues Naruto. "We need a full team of three to enter the exams. I know that from when Iruka niisan took it."

"How come Kakashi sensei didn't tell us that?" wonders Madoka.

Naruto shrugs. "Who cares, it's Kakashi sensei. He always has reasons he never shares until he thinks you'll learn something from them."

Team Seven heads into the Academy and starts the trek up to the third floor. On the second floor, they encounter a genjutsu and a huge kerfuffle. Room 201 has a genjutsu over it labeling it as room 301, and a bunch of genjutsu-susceptible idiots are trying to get in. However their path is blocked by two punks, one with spiky hair and a red nose and the other an idiot in a stupid-looking backpack.

"Hey Sasuke," whispers Naruto. "Didn't we only go up one flight of stairs? I mean, isn't this the second floor?"

"What do you mean, it's the second floor?" whispers Madoka. "The sign says…"

"Genjutsu," snaps Sasuke. "I thought you were a genjutsu type…"

"Shh!" hisses Naruto. "Not so loud. I wanna see how this will play out."

The three of them wade through the crowd of onlookers to where a boy in a dark green body suit is sitting on the floor with a bruise on his face. With his bowl cut and his giant eyebrows he is probably one of the ugliest people Sasuke has ever seen. However there is something about him that interests her. He looks like he is trying to hide his true power.

"Are you really planning on entering the Exam?" sneers red-nose."You have like, zero talent."

The boy rubs at his bruise but doesn't say anything.

"Why are you even bothering?" adds the other boy. "You'll fail, cause you're too green."

Sasuke nearly laughs out loud. But Uchihas don't laugh, or at least that's what one of her relatives told her. Or was it that Uchihas can't laugh? Either way, she doesn't want her dad to think even less of her for doing things Uchihas don't - or can't - do.

"Please just let us in!" begs a girl in a pink top, with buns in her hair.

Faster than most eyes can see, one of the boys hits the girl, sending her crashing to the ground.

"That's cruel," mutters one of the spectators.

Sasuke wonders if the girl could have dodged that.

"Is that so?" says the back-pack boy. "I'm just trying to save you some pain. We've failed these exams three times. We know what happens. You might end up dead, or crippled or reduced to a vegetable or you might get so traumatized you quit being a shinobi. It's better if weaklings like you quit while they're ahead."

Sasuke has had enough and pushes her way through the rest of the bystanders, making a point of walking right past the two boys. She wants to pick a fight with someone, and they are on her list.

"Oi, where do you think you're going, Blue?" says one of the boys.

"To the third floor," says Sasuke, and takes another step.

The boy grabs her shoulder and says, "This is the third floor, see the sign?"

Sasuke makes the sign for genjutsu release. "Release!" she breaks the jutsu and the sign changes back to 201. "No, it's the second floor." Then she turns to walk on up to the third floor.

The boy grins. "So you figured it out, huh. You must think you're so STRONG, right, _Uchiha_?"

Sasuke sends a spinning kick straight towards his head. Consider this fight picked. The boy responds with a kick of his own. And then the green bowl cut is right there, in between them, having stopped both their kicks. He is strong, and he is fast, but something is bothering Sasuke and she wants to know the answer. What is wrong with his chakra?

The spiky boy falls to the floor and Sasuke takes a step back. The green boy ignores them. He might be ugly, but DAMN, he's COOL.

"Hey, Lee," says a Hyuga boy, addressing the green kid. "You were the one who insisted we hide our power, so why did you do that?"

"But...But…" the green kid, Lee, tries to find some excuse and fails. Then he looks over at Madoka and walks up to him with a determined look on his face.

"Here we go again," sighs the pink top bun-head from earlier, facepalming.

What is he up to? Sasuke wonders.

"My name is Rock Lee," Lee introduces himself to Madoka. "You are beautiful, please go out with me!"

Sasuke forgets her Uchiha pride and laughs.

"What is so funny?" asks Lee.

"I'm sorry," says Madoka. "I'm not into guys. I just don't swing that way."

Lee looks confused. Sasuke keeps laughing. Naruto leans on Madoka's shoulder and slaps him on the chest, bubbling with mirth.

"Lee, that person is a boy," says the Hyuuga. Then he turns to Sasuke. "What is your name, Uchiha?"

"Shut up," says Sasuke. She does not like this boy.

"Hey," says Naruto, grinning and slapping the Hyuga on the back. "You're Hinata's mean cousin Neji!"

"Leave me alone," snaps Hinata's mean cousin Neji.

"Come on, let's go," says Madoka and, grabbing Sasuke and Naruto each by a hand, he pulls them down the hall.

* * *

Itachi and Shisui are cuddling, and making the most of being alone together. Suddenly, Itachi starts craving cucumbers. "Shisui," she says. "Get me a cucumber."

"Itachi, you hate cucumbers," says Shisui.

"I'm also pregnant with your baby," counters Itachi. "Now get me some cucumbers."

Shisui goes very, very pale. "What are we going to tell your father?"

"I don't know," shrugs Itachi. "But he'll probably kill you."

"Then let's tell him together!"

"He'll still kill you."

"Then let's get married before he finds out!"

"He's going to find out anyway."

"Please marry me, Itachi."

"Fine, but get me some cucumbers."

Shisui heads off to get some cucumbers and Itachi settles down to wait. While she is waiting, her father comes home from the Police Station. Shisui returns a few seconds later.

"Where are my cucumbers, Shisui?" demands Itachi, paying her father no mind.

"Here," says Shisui, holding out a grocery bag full of cucumbers. He looks terrified.

"Itachi does not like cucumbers," says Fugaku sternly.

Itachi starts blissfully munching her cucumbers.

"Well, um, I might as well tell you...um," Shisui stammers.

"What did you do?" demands Fugaku.

"We're getting married!" declares Shisui.

"Why?"

"What do you mean 'why'?"

"You two told me you were going to wait until you were both in your 20s. So WHY?"

Shisui blushes and doesn't say anything.

"You got her pregnant," says Fugaku flatly.

Itachi starts humming happily, still munching away on her cucumbers.

"I got her pregnant," says Shisui, drooping.

Fugaku crosses his arms angrily. "I thought YOU of all people would be smart enough to use a condom."

"But we DID use condoms!" protests Shisui. "We used condoms for the last two years! But ONE TIME we forgot, and now she's pregnant!"

Fugaku does not say anything for a few tense seconds. "What. Do. You. Mean. The. Last. TWO YEARS!?" Then he throws a punch at Shisui's head.

Shisui runs for his life and Fugaku chases after him.

Itachi continues eating, happy as a lark.


	59. Mini Youth

"Hey, you with the blue hair!" Rock Lee calls down to the three other genin standing in the hall below him.

The three younger children look up at Lee in surprise.

"What do you want?" asks the blonde one.

Lee Ignores him and focuses on the Uchiha. "Fight me, blue hair."

The Uchiha nods.

Lee jumps down, landing in a perfect Youthful Pose of Badassary, and says, "Then let us fight, Uchiha. I am Rock Lee."

"Why do you wanna fight Sasuke?" asks the blonde, crossing his arms.

"I wish to test myself against a member of the legendary Uchiha clan," explains Lee. "And I will not go easy on you, even though you are a girl."

"Good," says Sasuke, and runs towards Lee, primed for the attack.

Lee, moving faster than the human eye can follow, runs forward and aims a kick at Sasuke's head. "Leaf Hurricane!"

Sasuke ducks, an expression of confusion on her perfect face. Lee follows up by turning on his hands and aiming another kick at Sasuke's head. With no time to dodge this time, Sasuke raises her hands and blocks with crossed wrists. The force of Lee's kick sends her flying backwards anyway. Lee feels a thrill of excitement when Sasuke gets back up and grins.

"I wonder," says Sasuke. "What is the secret behind your speed?" her eyes turn red and black. Sharingan.

"So you posses the sharingan eye," says Lee. "That does not matter to me because you cannot read my movements.

Sasuke frowns and runs at Lee, determination written all over her face.

Lee kicks her towards the ceiling then launches himself after her, floating underneath her like a shadow. "Dancing Leaf Shadow."

"Why can't I see through your attacks?" asks Sasuke.

"Because your eyes see through ninjutsu and genjutsu, but I am using only taijutsu," explains Lee. "Even if you could see through my attacks, you would not be able to do anything unless you were better, stronger and faster than me in taijutsu. You have a powerful doujutsu and natural talent, but those things are nothing next to the skill I train every day to reach and grow." Lee starts to unwind the bandages around his hands and forearms. "Now let me show you the difference between talent and hard work."

"Stop! Lee, that is enough!" Gai sensei's summon turtle, Ningame, appears and nails one of Lee's bandages to a wall with a shuriken, causing Lee to fall crashing to the ground.

Sasuke continues on her dangerously fast trip to the nearest wall. The blonde boy pulls out a brush and draws on the ground with lightning speed. "Fuin: Temporal Distortion!" A black line speeds across the floor and forms a circular barrier around Sasuke. Sasuke's movement slows down by 90%, allowing her to land safely. Once Sasuke is safely on the ground,the boy releases the barrier seal. Lee wishes he had challenged that boy instead of Sasuke. He would not have had time for two fights, even if Ningame had not interrupted. Maybe some other time.

But Lee has no time to regret who he challenged. Ningame is talking to him. "Lee, you know the rules, that move is strictly forbidden!"

"I am sorry," apologises Lee. "Please forgive me. I was only…"

Ningame gives Lee the severest of looks.

"I was not going to use…" Lee tries to explain.

"Idiot!" snaps the turtle. "I am not interested in your excuses! Think about the repercussions of blatantly explaining your secrets to your opponent!"

"But isn't shinobi combat 90% explaining your motives, techniques and life story to your opponent?" asks the blonde boy. "And since when were turtles ninjas?"

"Kakashi has trained you well, it seems," says a booming voice, as Gai sensei appears in a whirl of smoke, perched upon Ningame's shell.

The three younger genins yell in fright.

"WAHH! THOSE EYEBROWS ARE ALIVE!" screams the blonde kid.

"Do not make fun of Gai sensei!" Lee defends his sensei with zeal.

"Oh shut up!" yells the blonde kid. "Yours are nearly as freaky!"

Lee is about to retort in kind when Gai sensei says, "Lee."

"Yes, Gai sensei?" asks Lee.

Gai sensei punches Lee. "Idiot!" he says.

Lee understands exactly what he did wrong now. He let his emotions and self-pride get in the way of his good judgement. Lee starts crying, rivers of tears streaming from his eyes.

Gai sensei is disappointed, but he hugs Lee just the same. "That's enough, Lee," he says. "I understand that you are young and the young make mistakes." he stands, and places a comforting hand on Lee's shoulder.. "Unfortunately, I cannot let this slide. After the chunin exams you will run around the village 1,000 times!"

"Yes Gai sensei!" says Lee, wiping his tears. Gai sensei always knows best!

Then Gai sensei turns to the other three genins. "How is Kakashi sensei?" he asks. "I have not seen much of him lately."

"Um… how do you know Kakashi sensei?" asks the blonde kid, crossing his arms.

Gai sensei shunshins behind them and says, "We are eternal rivals."

"Oh, so who's winning?" asks the blonde kid.

"Unfortunately, Kakashi is winning by one point," says Gai sensei.

"Is that because he's gotten laid?"

Gai sensei falls to his knees in defeat, a black cloud hanging over his head. "Kakashi, your student is a savage!" he mourns.

Lee feels Gai sensei's pain.

Kakashi sensei's students grin, laugh and smirk respectively and shunshin away. They are truly worthy rivals.

* * *

When team Seven arrives at room 301, Kakashi sensei appears. "Well, it looks like you all made it," he says. "Sasuke, how did you manage to sneak past your parents?"

"Shisui," says Sasuke.

Kakashi sensei laughs. "One day your father is going to catch Itachi and Shisui together, and on that day Shisui may end up in hospital."

"On that day, I think Shisui will leave the village for a while," says Naruto.

"All the same, the fact that all three of you are here means you can participate," says Kakashi sensei.

"Well if someone hadn't turned up - looking at you Sasuke - I would've gone and got them," Naruto says. "I know about that rule from Iruka sensei's many attempts at getting through the chunin exams with hopeless teams."

"Well, that's alright then," says Kakashi sensei.

"Also, we met some ugly dude claiming to be your rival," says Madoka. "Naruto knocked him down with one sentence."

"Oh? What did he say?" asks Kakashi sensei, curiously.

"Well," says Madoka, taking a deep breath. "Gai sensei said he was your rival, and Naruto asked who was winning, and then Gai sensei said you were, by one point, and Naruto asked if that was because you've gotten laid and then Gai sensei got all depressed."

"Naruto, you are cold and ruthless, and I am proud of you," says Kakashi sensei, patting Naruto on the head.

Naruto beams.

"Well, now that you are ready, you better get your butts in there and give 'em hell," says Kakashi sensei.

"Yes, sensei!" choruses Team Seven and walk into the exam room.

Hundreds of cold eyes turn to glare at them as they enter.

* * *

Jiraiya the Toad Sage of Mount Myoboku, one of the Legendary sannin, is on his way to a particularly juicy - popular. He means popular - hot spring to do some research. As he is pondering what kind of plot twist he should have in his net novel - he's never done a real plot twist before, so it will be a fun experiment - Jiraiya passes the crossroads that divides the path to his destination from the path to the Hidden Leaf. Jiraiya stops and looks back at the crossroads.

It's been so long since he went to the Leaf.

There is plenty of eye-candy in the Hidden Leaf. Maybe the inspiration he is missing is there.

Sarutobi sensei has been trying to convince him to return for ages. Apparently there are a couple of people Jiraiya needs to meet. Sensei won't say who they are though, just that they've been looking after Naruto. Strangely, that is all Kakashi will say too.

Naruto.

"You can't avoid him forever," Jiraiya tells himself and turns back to go to the Hidden Leaf.


	60. Bunch of Noobs

Kabuto is staking out every other contestant when the doors open and a new team comes barging in. They are Kakashi Hatake's team of fresh graduates. Kabuto watches them carefully to see how they respond to the intimidating glares the older, more experienced teams are giving them. Seasoned chunin exam takers can smell noobs a mile away.

For a few tense seconds, the three noobs and the rest of the room stare each other down. The one with the blue hair blushes and retreats behind her teammates. The one with the pink hair sticks his chin out and glares fiercely.

Then the blonde one takes a deep breath and shouts, "What are you freaks staring at?"

The glares in the room intensify.

"My name is Naruto Uzumaki!" yells Naruto. "Remember it!"

The pink haired boy face palms and the blue haired girl moves to one side so that she is closer to the pink haired boy as if to say 'I am ashamed to be on the same team as this person'.

"NARUTO!" a girl with short, black hair and white eyes glomps Naruto from behind. "You came!" Kabuto thinks carefully. If he remembers correctly, this girl is Hinata Hyuuga from Team Eight, Kurenai Yuhi's team.

A boy in sunglasses and a hood joins them and smiles at the blue haired girl. "I am glad you made it, Sasuke," the boy says. The boy is Shino Aburame, from the same team as Hinata. Kabuto struggles to remember who the blue haired girl is. Shino called her 'Sasuke'...Oh yes, Sasuke Uchiha from Kakashi Hatake's Team Seven.

"Hey, Pinky," says a boy with a dog on his head, slouching up to Team Seven. "Are you planning on burning people's eyes out of their sockets with excessive girliness?"

"Oi, lay off Madoka!" growls Naruto.

"You wanna fight me, big shot?" growls the dog-boy. He is Kiba Inuzuka of Team Eight, Kabuto recalls.

"I'll kick your ass before we even get to the finals," grins Naruto, and Kabuto knows in that moment that Naruto could kick the ass of anyone in the room. These exams are going to be interesting.

"As if!" says a girl with red hair and glasses, draping her arm around the pink haired boy's shoulders. "If anyone kicks his ass for making fun of MY Madoka, it'll be me!" Kabuto has a good think. Pink's name is Madoka Haruno, the medic from Team Seven. The redhead is Karin, no known last name, a member of Team Five, lead by Shisui Uchiha.

"Hey, you're welcome to defend Madoka's honour, Karin," says Naruto. "I wanna kick Kiba's ass because he annoys me, dattebayo."

"That's alright then," nods Karin.

"Does Kiba annoy you because he has more balls than you?" asks a pale boy, smiling sweetly at Naruto.

"SAI!" snaps the white haired boy standing beside him. Those two are Sai and Shin, ex members of Danzo's Root training program, Kabuto recalls.

"OI!" Hinata wacks Sai upside the back of the head. "You can't say things like that unless you've actually seen the proof! Thanks to my byakugan I know for a fact Kiba's got nothing on Naruto."

Both Naruto and Kiba go very red.

"Hinata, this is not the time or place," says Shino. "Why? Because…"

"I see you are as savage as ever, Hinata," says a boy with a spiky ponytail, walking up to the growing gathering accompanied by a fat boy with a bag of potato chips in his hands.

"So you losers are here too, huh?" says Naruto.

"Yeah, it's a drag, but I don't wanna be outdone by a no-hoper like you," says the ponytail boy. He is Shikamaru Nara of Asuma Sarutobi's Team Ten.

"Aw, come on, you guys," says the fat boy, shoving a handful of ships in his mouth. "Don't be like this again!" He is Choji Akimichi of Team Ten, Kabuto recalls.

"Aw, leave them to it, Choji," says a girl with long blond hair, joining the steadily growing group of noobs. "Nice hairdo, Sasuke!" she gives the Uchiha a double thumbs up. This girl is Ino Yamanaka, the third member of Team Ten, Kabuto remembers.

Sasuke blushes and hides behind Shino.

Kabuto decides that he should do something before the noobs from other villages turn on the Leaf noobs and get everyone disqualified. That actually happened one year. All the noobs started fighting and the old hats tried to stop them. When the proctors arrived, they simply disqualified everyone. Kabuto walks up to the noobs and says, "You lot better pipe down."

"Huh? Who are you?" asks Naruto.

"My name is Kabuto Yakushi," Kabuto introduces himself. "You kids have caused quite a stir, and not in a good way."

The noobs turn their heads to look at the rest of the room and immediately seem embarrassed at causing such a large amount of people to send them death glares. The mood in the room mellows out somewhat.

"Watch out for that team over there," says Kabuto, gesturing to the most dangerous-looking Rain team. "That team is from the Hidden Rain, and they have short fuses. We wouldn't want someone to snap and beat you up, would we?"

"I guess not," says Madoka, with a nervous laugh.

"It's probably unavoidable, though," says Kabuto. "Like most rookies, you'll be easy pickings for the rest of us."

"Is this your second time doing these exams?" asks Madoka.

"Not second, _seventh_ ," says Kabuto.

"Don't worry," says Naruto, patting Kabuto's arm. "You'll make chunin eventually, dattebayo."

Kabuto is surprised by this. He smiles and pulls out a handful of his Ninja Info Cards. "Well, since you're fellow Leaf ninjas, I suppose I could give you kids some helpful advice," he says, showing them the cards. "With my Ninja Info Cards."

"Really?" says Naruto, his eyes shining. "You're the best!"

"What the heck are Ninja Info Cards?" asks Madoka.

"Well," explains Kabuto, placing a card face-down on the floor. "They are chakra encoded cards containing information about specific ninjas. This set is all the information I have about this year's applicants. It took me four years to collect all this information."

"Is that because some of the people here were here previous years, so you had to add to your collection every year?" asks Naruto.

"That's pretty much it, yes," says Kabuto, surprised at Naruto's insight. "I have almost 200 cards." He turns over the card and starts channeling his chakra into it. "They look blank until I channel my chakra into it to show the information stored on it."

"That's a type of fuuinjutsu, isn't it?" asks Karin. "That's pretty cool."

"This card shows the geographical distribution of the contestants," says Kabuto. "This year we have 10 teams from the Sand, 7 teams from the Rain, 2 teams from the Waterfall, 29 from the Leaf, 2 from the Grass, one from the Sound and four from the Cloud."

"Do you have cards on individuals?" asks Shino, apparently passing on a message from Sasuke.

"Of course," says Kabuto. "There would not be nearly so many if I did not. Who do you want information on?"

Sasuke whispers something in Shino's ear and Shino says, "Gaara from the Hidden Sand and Rock Lee from the Hidden Leaf."

"Oh, you have their names," says Kabuto, pulling out the appropriate cards. "That's almost too easy." Kabuto turns over the two cards. "First up we have Rock Lee of the Hidden Leaf. He is a year older than the three of you and graduated from the Academy last year. His team leader is Might Gai. His talent lies in his extensive taijutsu knowledge. He was a star graduate last year, graduating with a specialist pass in taijutsu. He has completed 20 D-ranked mission and 11 C-Ranked. However, he and his teammates Neji Hyuuga and Tenten did not take the chunin exams last year. That's about everything worth mentioning." Kabuto turns to the other card. "Next up is Gaara of the Sand, a ninja of the Hidden Sand in the Land of Wind. Since he is from the Hidden Sand, I do not have much on him, but he has come back from every mission unschathed. He has completed 8 C-Ranked missions and one B-Ranked mission. It seems that his teammates, Temari and Kankuro are his siblings, and that they are the Fourth Kazekage's children." Kabuto decides to take these kids down a peg or two for their own good. "These two are fine examples of the kind of competition you can expect, and they are just first-timers. Every village sends its best teams to these exams. The general rule is: the less teams, the higher the skill-level of those teams."

"So then the Sound team must be really strong?" asks Hinata.

"On the contrary," says Kabuto. "They are a tiny, very new village. It is highly likely the team they sent was the only team they had." Kabuto waits.

"Oh, our country is nothing and we are nobody," says one of the Sound genin, stalking over to them. "Is that it?" All three move to attack Kabuto.

Dodge, dodge, turn and kick in the face.

"Don't you noobs dare cross me AGAIN," says Kabuto coldly, pressing his foot into Dosu Kinuta's back.

"Oi, get off him!" protests Kin Tsuchi.

Kabuto gives her a _look_.

Both the Sound genins back off. Kabuto lets Dosu get up off the floor. "Have we learned our lesson?" asks Kabuto, a little _too_ sweetly.

The three genin glare at him and slink back to their seats in shame.

With a _poof_ the proctors arrive. If Kabuto's memory serves him well, the one in the front is Ibiki Morino, the head of Konoha's T and I department. Confirming Kabuto's intelligence, the lead proctor says, "Sorry to keep you waiting. I am Ibiki Morino. I will be your proctor for the first stage of this exam."


	61. The First Test

Mikoto and Eizo get home from their nice walk to find Itachi sitting in the living room, happily munching away on cucumbers, of all things. As soon as Eizo is freed from his pushchair he toddles off to find Sasuke.

Mikoto frowns at Itachi. "I thought you didn't like cucumbers," she says.

"I don't," says Itachi cheerfully, and takes a huge bite out of the one in her hand.

Mikoto is at a loss for words. What the #### #### is WRONG with Itachi? She's been acting crazy for a while.

Fugaku jumps in the window and says, "Drat, I lost him. Bloody shunshin."

"Fugaku, who were you chasing?" Mikoto knows that when Fugaku jumps in the window it means s### just went down.

"Shisui," says Fugaku, an expression like thunder on his face. "The little bugger went and got Itachi pregnant."

"Itachi's PREGNANT!?"

"Yes," says Itachi, and goes back to her cucumbers.

Mikoto clasps her hands together and smiles, a feeling of pure joy filling her heart. "I'm gonna be a grandma…" She floats in that state of pure ecstasy for a few seconds. Then she smiles sweetly at Itachi and says, "Itachi, you are grounded until you leave home. Now go to your room and think about what you have done."

Itachi scoops up her cucumbers and heads to her room.

Once her daughter is gone, Mikoto turns to Fugaku and asks, "How do you feel about this, my love?"

Fugaku falls to his hands and knees, a black cloud hanging over his head. "I'm not ready to be a grandfather!" he whines.

Mikoto smiles and pats Fugaku on the shoulder. "I know what will cheer you up," she says. "But we have to wait until the kids are in bed. Wouldn't want them knowing we have the Make Out Paradise DVDs."

* * *

Naruto takes one look at the procter and knows he means business. The calm ones are always worse. Naruto's brain starts churning at a mile a second. A room full of rows of desks. A calm procter. An underling holding a stack of papers. They have to exchange their application forms for seating cards. Paper….

S###.

Sorry Grandma.

"Not a paper test!" Naruto groans. Still, as much as he hates paper tests, Naruto is confident he can pull this off. Naruto goes with his team and swaps his application form for a seating card and a test paper. Then he wishes his teammates 'good luck' and goes to his seat.

"Hey, Naruto," says Hinata, sitting down beside him. "All ready for the test?" she winks knowingly.

Naruto grins back. "We got this." He feels much better with Hinata beside him.

"Keep your papers face down until I tell you to begin," orders Ibiki, calmly. Then he explains the boring test rules. No asking questions. Points are deducted for wrong answers rather than awarded for right answers. A team can only pass if all members get at least one question right. If you're caught cheating, two points are taken from each member of your team. If a team is caught cheating five times, that team is disqualified.

So far, so good. Naruto understands. Each question is worth one point, but Naruto doesn't care about that. What he does care about is the instruction not to let the proctors catch you grins. He has never been caught cheating in his life.

"You have one hour," Ibiki says, once he has explained the rules. "Start NOW!"

Naruto and Hinata clasp hands. "Good luck!" they tell each other.

Naruto reads through the questions on his paper. Sure enough, they are far too hard for him to do. The last one is interesting though. Apparently question ten will be announced in the last ten minutes of the test. Naruto grins. Time to shamelessly cheat and get ten out of ten.

When Naruto was in the Academy, he got sick of failing his tests and getting chewed out by his grandma. Then Shikamaru told him his grandma is troublesome and he should just invent a seal to help him pass. Naruto latched onto that idea immediately and invented the living daylights out of that seal. Since it was Shikamaru's idea, he taught it to Shikamaru, and the two of them used it to find out many things. Unfortunately, because of the nature of the seal, neither boy ever told anyone except Choji and HInata about it. Those two never learned or used it, though.

Naruto takes up his pen and draws the seal on his test paper. Then he sends a short burst of chakra into the seal. The room turns green. Only he can see this, as it was his chakra that went into the seal. Four black lines of ink snake around the room, searching for the answer sheet. Every line stops at a seemingly random candidate. It seems there are people with the answer sheets, ready to be cheated off of. Naruto draws a design in the centre of the seal. The four lines copy the answers off the answer sheets and display the answers above Naruto's test paper. Naruto starts to copy the answers onto his test paper.

When he was in the Academy, Naruto never copied all the answers, just the ones for the easiest questions. That way it looked like he was finally scraping a pass, rather than cheating. They would have known he was cheating if he had suddenly started getting perfect scores. At least, that's what Shikamaru said. Hinata and Choji agreed, so Naruto only copied enough to pass.

But this time…

This time Naruto is going to shamelessly cheat. Naruto copies down every answer word-for-word. By the time he is finished, the first 50 minutes are nearly up. Naruto sighs in relief and releases the seal. The room returns to normal. Now all he has to do is wait for question ten.

Finally, after some guy gets back from the toilet, Ibiki announces, "Alright, listen up. I am about to announce the tenth question." Ibiki waits until bathroom-break-boy sits back down before he continues. "For the last question I am adding one more rule. This rule is absolute. First you must choose whether or not to accept the question." He Pauses and waits for that to sink in.

The girl from the Sand that Naruto met the other day yells, "Choose? What happens if we don't accept the question?"

"If you reject this question you loose all your points and fail the test," explains Ibiki.

"So why would anyone reject the question?" demands some random kid.

Ibiki waits for a tense second before replying, "If you choose to answer the question and get it wrong you will never be allowed to take the chunin exams ever again. You will never advance to chunin."

Naruto thinks about this and wonders if that kind of rule is why some ninjas stay genin until they retire and get civilian jobs. He starts to sweat in fear. If he gets this question wrong, his teammates will kill him.

"That's stupid!" yells Kiba. "There are people here who've taken the test before! I know there are!"

"Tough luck for you, I wasn't making the rules in previous years," says Ibiki so calmly it scares Naruto. "But I am making the rules now. If you have doubts you had better quit now and come back next time."

What a tough choice to make. Naruto is shaking with nerves. Out of the corner of his eye, sees Hinata looking at him. She looks just as nervous as him. But Hinata gives Naruto an encouraging smile, and he finds himself nervously smiling back.

"Those who choose to leave must raise their hands now," says Ibiki. "Once their number is confirmed, they will leave the room."

After a few tense moments, someone raises their hand and rejects the question.

Naruto wonders if he should reject it. If he gets it wrong, Sasuke and Madoka will suffer for his mistake. But, if he accepts it, it will be a whole six months before he can apply again. He is starting to understand why Iruka, who graduated at age 11, didn't make chunin until he was 16. What kind of question is it going to be? Should he quit? Naruto slumps forward and pulls at his hair. What should he do? Quit and know he can come back next year or risk everything and maybe never be a chunin?

Use a weak seal and live, or use a strong seal and maybe get your soul taken by a shinigami.

Naruto puts his hand on his stomach where his father's failed attempt at the Masters' Test holds the Nine Tailed Fox in check. Was it a choice like this that made him seal the fox into Naruto? Did he risk losing everything to seal away the fox when an easier option was available?

As more and more genin quit, Naruto feels anger welling up inside him. Who cares what was going through the Fourth Hokage's head when he sealed the Nine Tails into his own son?! This is NARUTO'S choice. He trusts his team to get the question right, so here's hoping they trust him!

Naruto slams his hand down on his desk. "I DON'T CARE IF I NEVER BECOME A CHUNIN IF IT IS BECAUSE I TOOK THE EASY WAY OUT! I WON'T QUIT AND I WON'T RUN! I WILL BE THE HOKAGE, BUT NO HOKAGE SHOULD EVER TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT, SO I'LL ACCEPT YOUR STUPID QUESTION! I'M NOT AFRAID OF YOU!" Naruto feels much better. That felt good.

"I'll ask you one more time," says Ibiki, a smile playing about the edges of his lips. "This is a decision that will affect the rest of your lives: will you accept the tenth question?"

The room goes silent. No one else is going to quit.

Ibiki smiles, and it is truly terrifying. "Then to all you who still remain: congratulations, you just passed the first test."


	62. Eizo-Mori's Grand Adventure

Eizo-Mori enjoyed his walk. He saw lots of pretty birdies. Lots of ladies cooed over how cute he is, but he wishes they wouldn't. It gets super annoying. Once he is free from his pushchair, Eizo-Mori goes looking for Pretty Big Sister. Big Sister Itachi is nice, but those lines under her eyes look funny. Now, where is Pretty Big Sister?

Eizo clomps carefully down the hall to Pretty Big Sister's room. She is not there. Maybe she is in the secret room. Eizo forces his way into the wardrobe. He giggles and dives into the mess that Pretty Big Sister refuses to clean up. Then Eizo pushes the Secret Button. He feels like a spy, or a de...de...dectective? Detective! He feels like a detective. "Pretty Neechan?" he calls down the ladder.

No answer.

Then the kitty Daddy calls Peanut jumps up the ladder and starts rubbing her head against Eizo. "Mrrooww! Mrroow!" the kitty sounds sad.

"No Pretty Neechan?" asks Eizo, sadly.

"Mrrow," says Peanut-kitty.

Eizo decides to go and find Pretty Big Sister. Eizo is still wearing his shoes, since Mummy was preoccupied with Big Sister Itachi and didn't take them off. Eizo is all set to go and find Pretty Big Sister. Eizo-Mori sits down and thinks about it inside his head. Everybody has a thingy that Eizo can feel, that is different for everyone. If he concentrates, maybe he can find Sasuke's...thingy. He doesn't know what the word is. But he knows how to find the Thingy.

Eizo concentrates hard and finds a trail of the Thingy leading outside. He follows the trail carefully. After a bit of walking, Eizo comes to a place where the Thingy goes off one way, then comes back and goes another way. Eizo decides to follow the Thingy the second way. Soon he finds himself at some big gates. There are two people sitting at a desk arguing. Eizo ignores them and keeps following the trail of Sasuke's Thingy.

Eizo is very tired now, but he keeps going because he wants to play with Pretty Big Sister. They are friends now. Friends play together.

Eizo follows a path to a forest with a giant fence around it. There is a lot of big people standing in front of a gate. A nice lady with funny hair is telling them a bunch of stuff. Eizo sees Pretty Big Sister. He giggles and crawls up to her. He is too tired to walk now. Pretty Big Sister doesn't see him, because she is looking at the lady.

"Nee-chan!" Eizo shouts, pulling on his sister's pants.

Pretty Big Sister looks down at him and glares at him. "What are you doing here?" she asks.

"Play!" Eizo-Mori says.

"No!" says Pretty Big Sister. "I'm taking the chunin exam, I can't play with you right now!" Eizo wonders why her face is all red.

"Aw, is this your little brother?" asks the nice boy standing beside Pretty Big Sister. "He's so cute!" the nice boy crouches down and pats Eizo on the head. "I'm Naruto. What's your name, little guy?"

"Pirate," says Eizo-Mori. That is not his name, but the only words he knows how to say are 'no', 'pretty', 'big sister', 'play' and 'pirate'.

"No it's not!" says Pretty Big Sister, turning even redder. "His name is Eizo-Mori! He can't say very many words."

"Sorry to have to tell you kids this," says the Lady, coming over to them. "But the toddler will have to stay with me. No babies are allowed in the Forest of Death."

Eizo is sad. "No play?" he asks.

"No," says the Lady. "You can't play with your big sister. You can play with me though."

Eizo thinks about this. The lady seems nice. He smiles. "PLAY!" He grabs the bottom of her coat and laughs. The Lady picks up Eizo and puts him on her hip.

"Alright, everyone," the Lady says. "As I was saying, fill out your consent forms and hand them in in exchange for a scroll. Once everybody has done that, each team must go to a different gate and wait for the signal to begin. Try to spread out as much as you can: even though there are 30 teams this year, there are still plenty of gates. Any questions?"

"Um…" Pretty Big Sister raises her hand all scared-like. "Can you take my little brother home once we're all in the Forest?"

"I have to stay and supervise," says the Lady. "But I'll get someone to take him home. Who're your parents?"

"Um…" Big Sister turns all red again.

"She's Mr. Nice Police Chief's kid!" says Naruto.

"Oh so _you're_ Itachi's kid sister!" the Lady pats Pretty Big Sister on the head.

Eizo wants to tell Pretty Big Sister he will be alright, and she should go play in the forest with the other kids, but he does not know how to say the words. Eizo pats Big Sister on the head instead. "Pirate!" he says, encouragingly.

"We're ninjas, not pirates," laughs the Lady. "Now to the rest of you, I have one final piece of advice: DON'T DIE!"

"PIRATE!" yells Eizo, feeling the need to add his opinion.

Pretty Big Sister groans and turns even redder.

"Let's go take the chunin exam!" yells Naruto, and runs off with Pretty Big Sister and a boy with pink hair. He's silly, doesn't he know pink is for girls?

All the big people write on the bits of paper the Lady gave them and give them to a man at a table with a curtain around it. Eizo does not know what it is called, so he points to it and tries to ask what it is called. All that comes out is; "Gaa?"

"No, you can't go over there," says the Lady, not understanding.

"NO!" shouts Eizo, frustrated. "NAME!" He points to the table with the curtain. "NAME!"

"Oh, that's a booth," says the Lady.

"Pirate," says Eizo, happily. He is still very tired, so he leans his head on the Lady's shoulder and yawns. Her shoulder is all hard, like Big Sister Itachi's. Eizo thinks that they probably wear the same kind of shirt. Ah well, Daddy wears one of the hard shirts when he is being a policeman. Eizo closes his eyes to take a nap.

* * *

Eizo-Mori is woken up when the Lady hands him to a strange man. "Take him to the Police Chief," the Lady tell the man. "I've gotta keep an eye on Stage Two. Whatever possessed you to pass 30 teams, Ibiki?"

"They are an exceptional bunch this year," says the man. He has funny lines on his face and he is wearing a pirate bandanna. "Can you believe that the pink haired boy answered all the questions in the written test without cheating? And that Naruto kid copied the answer sheet exactly, but no one saw how he did it!"

"Ibiki, if we have to have a preliminary match before the finals, I am making sure they know it was your fault."

"Isn't making me return a stray baby revenge enough, Anko?"

"Pirate!" says Eizo.

The adults look down at him in surprise.

"Oh, so you're a pirate baby, is that it?" asks the man.

Eizo grins. He likes this man. "Pirate," he says, and snuggles into the man's chest.

"So do you think his parents know he's missing yet?" asks the man.

"Unless Shisui got Itachi pregnant and they literally just found out, I think the head of the Uchiha Clan and his wife definitely know their pirate baby is missing," says the Lady.

"Well, considering they haven't come looking for him, I'm going to assume they haven't noticed yet." The man makes a hand sign. "I'll return him soon, but first, there is a prisoner I need his help with."

"Wait, WHAT!?" the Lady yells.

A second later, Eizo and the Man are in a strange room. There is a window nearby, where a man is tied to a chair.

"Sir, why is there a baby here?" asks a funny-looking man.

"This baby is here to help us," says the man who is holding Eizo. He sits down and stands Eizo up on his lap so they can see each other's eyes.

Eizo pokes the man's face-lines and grins. "Pirate," he says.

"No, I'm not a pirate," says the man. "I am Ibiki. Now, little pirate-baby do you want to help Uncle Ibiki?"

"Ooh?" asks Eizo, cocking his head to one side.

"That man sitting on that chair has something he needs to tell me," says Uncle Ibiki. "But he needs some encouragement. You're so cute, I bet he'll tell me right away if I let him hold you."

This sounds like a good idea to Eizo, so he smiles and says, "PIRATE!"

The other man does not like this idea. "But that guy is scared of...babies…" then he grins too and says, "You know what, do it captain."

Scared of babies? Does Uncle Ibiki want to scare the man on the chair into telling? Eizo understands this sort of thing. He spent an entire hour screaming at the top of his lungs to get Pretty Big Sister to cuddle him. Eizo giggles. Uncle Ibiki is awesome.

Uncle Ibiki takes Eizo into the room where the man is tied to the chair. "Hello again," says Uncle Ibiki. "I have someone here for you to play with."

"Gaa!" says Eizo, smiling and waving at the man.

"Get it away from me!" screams the man, going all white.

"Why?" asks Uncle Ibiki, pretending to be surprised. "He's just a cute, innocent little baby."

"Pirate," says Eizo firmly.

"Sorry, pirate baby." Uncle Ibiki puts Eizo on the scared man's lap.

"Get it off me!" says the man, struggling to get free.

Eizo grins and puts his arms around the man's neck.

"Please! Have mercy!"

"Tell me who you work for," says Uncle Ibiki.

"OROCHIMARU!" shouts the man. "I WORK FOR OROCHIMARU! SHE'S PLANNING TO INVADE THE HIDDEN LEAF DURING THE FINAL STAGE OF THE CHUNIN EXAMS! SHE HAS SHARINGAN NOW, AND SHE WANTS TO TEST ITS POWER! NOW PLEASE, GET THIS THING OFF ME!"

Eizo is proud of himself. He got the man to talk. He smiles and pats the man's cheek. Then he climbs off the man's lap and runs to Uncle Ibiki. "Pirate!" he says, smiling proudly.

"You did good, little pirate," says Uncle Ibki proudly. "Now I had better take you home to your parents."

"Um, Captain?" asks Uncle Ibiki's friend. "Whose baby is that?"

"Oh, this is Itachi's baby brother."


	63. Not What You'd Expect

Naruto, Sasuke and Madoka head cautiously into the Forest of Death. Sasuke is more worried about Eizo than the exam, however. What if that crazy Anko lady tries to kidnap Eizo? What if she hands him over to Ibiki? Ibiki is scary!

"Sasuke! Concentrate!" Snaps Naruto. "We can't risk getting separated!"

Sasuke glares at Naruto. Who made him team leader?

"Okay, here's the plan," says Madoka. "We find a a team, challenge that team, take their scroll and repeat steps one to three until we have a set. Then we head to the tower and repeat steps one to three on the way."

"Seems legit," says Naruto. "What do you think, Sasuke?"

Sasuke shrugs.

"Sweet, let's do it!"

* * *

"This forest is not scary at all," says Karin.

"You are a girl," says Sai. "Girls are fearless."

"Not all girls," says Shin. "Some girls both have and are pussies."

"Shin…" warns Karin.

"Just like Naruto!" says Sai.

"Sai…" warns Karin.

"I thought Naruto was pretty brave in the first test," says Shin.

"Well, you know what they say about compensating," says Sai.

"BOYS!" snaps Karin.

They turn to look at her. "What?"

"We are in a genjutsu." Karin says. "And we are about to be ambushed."

"Already?" complains Sai.

* * *

Hinata, Shino and Kiba set up a trap and wait. A few minutes later, a team from the Leaf falls into their trap. Bugs rain down upon the terrified genins. They scream helplessly and are caught up in a net.

"Shino, did you really have to shove a bug down the guy with the bug phobia's shirt?" asks Kiba.

"No," says Shino. "No I did not."

"Shino, sometimes you scare me, man."

Shino grins.

"Hey, guys!" calls Hinata, from beside the net where she just retrieved the team's scroll. "They have the scroll we need!"

"SWEET!" grins Kiba.

* * *

Shikamaru, Ino and Choji sneak through the Forest of Death, trying to avoid literally everyone else.

"Why can't we just find someone weaker than us to pick on?" asks Ino, impatiently.

"There is no one weaker than us," says Choji.

"What about Naruto's team?" asks Ino. "They seem pretty weak."

"Don't mistake shyness, nerdiness and plain stupidity for weakness," says Shikamaru. "They are probably one of the strongest teams taking the exam. Naruto alone could kick all our asses in under five seconds."

"What, at the same time?" asks Ino, finding it difficult to believe that the blond truant from their Academy days is that strong. "I don't think so."

"Have you seen what Karin can do with fuuinjutsu?" asks Choji.

Ino has seen what Karin can do with fuuinjutsu. "Yes," she confirms. "She could beat all of us easily."

"And Naruto is twice as good as Karin."

"WHAT!?"

"It's true," confirms Shikamaru. "Naruto is far better than Karin."

"So then is there ANYONE in this forest that we might be able to stand up to?" asks Ino, despairingly.

"..." Shikamaru says nothing.

* * *

"So why didn't you challenge the Uzumaki?" demands Neji. "Why the Uchiha?"

"I simply wanted to see if the Uchiha clan lives up to its reputation," says Lee. "I did not think the Uzumaki would be a worthy match."

"Naruto is a crazy little bastard," says Neji. "If you had challenged him, he would have humiliated you."

"Isn't he friends with your cousin?" asks Tenten, landing on a thick branch.

"Yes," confirms Neji, coming to a stop beside Tenten. "He would be a worthy rival for me. I hope I will be able to fight him in the finals."

"Is there anyone nearby that we can fight?" asks Lee.

Neji activates his byakugan and says, "There is a Cloud team at four o'clock. Shall we attack or avoid them?"

"Attack."

"We shall attack with YOUTH!"

* * *

Mikoto is still comforting a distraught Fugaku when there is a firm knock on their front door. Mikoto ignores it at first. They will go away soon...probably.

"HEY!" calls a man's voice. "I can sense your chakra! I know you are home!"

Mikoto sighs. "I had better go and see who that is." She pats Fugaku on the shoulder and gets up off the floor. Fugaku hasn't moved in the last two hours, except for rocking back and forth, and muttering to himself about killing Shisui, not being ready for this and castrating Shisui.

Mikoto takes a deep breath and opens the front door. Ibiki Morino, the head of the T&I department, is standing on the doorstep with a sleeping Eizo-Mori in his arms. "I believe this baby belongs to you," says Ibiki Morino, patting Eizo's back.

Mikoto finds her voice. "Yes…" she says. "Where did you find him?" she is horrified. How did they miss Eizo wandering off? How long has he been gone for?

"He turned up outside the Forest of Death just as the second round of the chunin exams was about to start. Anko gave him to me to return him, since I really only needed to be there for the first round. I hope you don't mind that I used him to scare a prisoner into talking. All I did was put him on the prisoner's lap, and your little pirate did the rest. I swear he knew exactly what he was doing to that spy."

Mikoto stares at Ibiki, then at sleeping, smiling Eizo and says, "I think you better come in and explain everything."

"Are you sure?" asks Ibiki. "I only came to drop him off. I still have to report what we uncovered to the Hokage."

"If we try to move Eizo, he will wake up," says Mikoto. "Unless you want a screaming baby on your hands, we had best leave him until he wakes on his own." Something is bothering Mikoto. She can't quite put her finger on it, though. Trying to figure out what it is she is missing, Mikoto leads Ibiki into the living room, where Fugkau is still kneeling on the floor in a state of shock.

"What's wrong with him?" asks Ibiki.

"We just found out that Itachi is pregnant with Shisui's baby," says Mikoto.

Ibiki starts laughing, and it is terrifying.

"What is so funny about that?" snaps Fugaku. "That little s### defiled my precious, underage daughter, and you just LAUGH? What the hell is wrong with you?"

"I'm sorry," apologises Ibiki. "It is just that when Anko asked me to take Eizo home, she joked that the only reason you might not have noticed his absence is if Shisui had gotten Itachi pregnant and you just found out." Ibiki manages to squash his laughter and adds, "I did not imagine that it would be true."

Eizo shifts in his sleep and sighs, burrowing into Ibiki's shoulder.

Mikoto remembers the question she was going to ask. "You said Anko found Eizo outside the Forest of Death, what was he doing there?"

"Apparently he wanted Sasuke to play with him," says Ibiki. "But babies aren't allowed in the Forest of Death, and since Sasuke made it to the second round, Eizo had to stay with Anko."

"What did you just say?" asks Fugaku, sternly.

"Sasuke made it to the Second Round of the Chunin Exams," repeats Ibiki. "Team Seven did very well in the first round. I am sure they will all make it to the finals."

"I. Forbade. Sasuke. From. Taking. The. Chunin. Exams," Fugaku grinds out. "How. Did. She. Get. Past. Itachi's. Super. Vision?"

Ibiki's expression turns very serious. "I am afraid you cannot withdraw Sasuke now that she has entered. Only under special circumstances can a parent or guardian withdraw a contestant, and in those circumstances the parent or guardian must have the support of the jounin sensei or Hokage." He sighs. "Was Shisui anywhere around at about the time the exams started?"

"...Yes, he was getting Itachi weird food when we got home."

"Then Shisui is probably the reason Sasuke managed to sneak out." Ibiki adjusts his hold on Eizo and adds, "Lord Fugaku, do you remember that spy your policemen captured the other day?"

"Yes, the one who's scared of babies?" says Fugaku, sounding a little more alive than before.

"I'm afraid I used your son to crack him," says Ibiki. "All I had to do was put the little pirate on the man's lap, and he started freaking out. Then the baby started being all cute and cuddly, and the man spilled everything. I need to report to the Hokage, but as the head of Leaf security, you should know as well. Will you come with me to the Hokage now? What I have found needs to be relayed at once."

Fugaku sighs. "Very well, but leave Eizo here."

"Eizo? Is that what his name is?" Ibiki carefully takes Eizo off his shoulder and gives him to Mikoto.

Eizo wakes up and mumbles, "Pirate?"

"No, no pirates," says Ibiki. "You're home with Mummy now."

Eizo lays back down on Mikoto's shoulder and goes back to sleep. Mikoto is stunned. Eizo never simply goes back to sleep. "You wouldn't be interested in babysitting him from time to time, would you?" she asks, dazed. "You are uncommonly good with him."

"Alright," shrugs Ibiki. "He's a good kid. And smart too."

"Let's go see the Hokage then," says Fugaku, and the two scariest, sweetest men in the village left to go speak with the Hokage.

And that is about when it sinks into Mikoto's brain that Eizo knowingly helped torture a spy for information. Mikoto sits down on the couch in shock.

Her babies are all growing up so fast.


	64. Fugaku's Day Goes From Bad to Worse

Naruto slips into stealth mode, ready to enact Madoka's plan to take down the creepy Grass team. The team is strong, they know that much. The team leader has long hair, and it is hard to tell if that perfectly chiseled face belongs to a man or a woman. Either way, that team of straw-hat wearing freaks is going down.

Sasuke and Madoka signal that they are in position. Naruto grins and erects a barrier around the Grass team. This barrier is one of Iruka nisan's inventions; he specializes in barrier seals. Once the barrier is erected, Naruto sends a shadow clone into the seal to let off an attack seal

"Fuuin," says the clone. "Wrath of Steve." The ground inside the seal erupts in rock-hard earth spikes, which shatter, sending a rain of tiny projectiles spinning around the inside of the barrier. The clone is completely destroyed by the attack, and a moment later, Naruto sees a brief vision of the three Grass ninjas retreating underground to avoid his attack. Did he just get the clone's memories?

Naruto gives his team mates the signal to move in. The three Leaf genins creep into the seal, ready to attack or be attacked.

The long haired grass ninja rises from the ground, a sickly smile on his? her? face. "Well, that was impressive," it says. "But do you really think it would do anything to _us_?"

"Well, it would be nice, I guess," says Naruto. "We kinda want your scroll."

"It's adorable how you think you can beat me," says the Grass genin, licking its lips in a creepy fashion.

* * *

The last thing Fugaku expected to spend the rest of that day doing was discussing a security breach with the Hokage. Normally, Ibiki would just take the security issues to the head of security - one Fugaku Uchiha. Fugaku is not used to having to refer these things on to the Hokage - the reason his job exists is to save the Hokage the headache. And yet, here he is, standing by while Ibiki gives his report to the Hokage.

"Lord Hokage," says Ibiki, bowing slightly. "I finally found a way to convince our prisoner to talk, and what he revealed is most interesting."

"Tell me everything he said," says Lord Third, folding his hands together under his chin.

"Word for word he said: 'I work for Orochimaru! She's planning to invade the Hidden Leaf during the final stage of the Chunin Exams! She has sharingan now, and she wants to test its power! Now please, get this thing off me!'" reports Ibiki.

"What was he talking about at the end?" asks Hiruzen, frowning. "What was on him?"

"THAT is your first question?" demands Fugaku. "There are plenty of other questions to ask before THAT one!"

"It's quite alright, Fugaku," says Lord Third. "I am simply starting with the question that will take the least time to answer. That man was quite hard to crack, so what did you put on him to break him so thoroughly?"

"Well," says Ibiki, eager to share his secrets with his boss. "The prisoner was discovered to possess a crippling fear of babies. This afternoon, before the second round of the chunin exams officially began, a baby appeared amongst the exam entrants, looking for his big sister. Anko asked me to take the child home, but I took a slight detour via the T&I department and asked the baby if he would like to help me convince the prisoner to tell me what I want to know. He was all too eager. So I placed the boy on the prisoner's lap. The prisoner started screaming for me to remove the child, who responded by hugging the prisoner. The prisoner then spilled what I just told you and demanded the child be removed. Surprisingly, the baby climbed off the man himself and seemed quite proud that he made the man talk."

"Um…" Fugaku is not quite sure how he should feel about this. "How in the hell did you know my baby knew what he was doing to that prisoner?"

"If you had seen that grin he gave me when I asked him if he wanted to help me convince the man to talk, you would know that he knew," says Ibiki. "And after the man talked, that little pirate of yours ran right up to me and grinned like a little devil, and said 'talk', in a way that could only mean he KNEW EXACTLY what he just did."

"Does Eizo seriously learn all his words when I'm not around?" Fugaku is not sure whether to be happy or sad. Or depressed. Or angry. Or upset. Or proud. Or…

"Fugaku, what's gotten you so down?" asks Ibiki. "There is a literal black cloud hanging over your head."

"Itachi is pregnant, Sasuke entered the chunin exams against my orders, Eizo is a professional interrogator, and he is learning to walk and talk whenever I am not looking, the people from my clan who deserted the village went to Orochimaru and now he has the sharingan, the village is in danger of being attacked, that bloody kitten still doesn't have a name and I haven't had sex in a month because Eizo keeps interrupting."

"You poor man," says Ibiki. "I would be happy to look after Eizo so you can get it on with your wife."

"Thank you," says Fugaku, feeling much better. "Now, about this invasion: I have an idea. It is a risky idea, but it will stop any panic from spreading."

"You cheered up pretty quickly," remarks the Hokage.

"Let me cope by planning ways to protect the village!"

"Alright, let's hear this idea."

Fugaku takes a calming breath. He is not going to think about anything except the impending invasion. "Orochimaru does not know, at this stage, that we know he is planning to invade us," explains Fugaku. "If we can keep that information from getting out by, for example letting slip that a prisoner killed himself and then actually killing said prisoner, we can allay any suspicion he might have. Then we can carry on as if we do not know of the invasion, but have security on high alert during the exam finals."

"Are you suggesting that I murder one of my prisoners and make it look like a suicide?" asks Ibiki, an expression of interest on his face.

"Yes, murder him."

Ibiki smiles, and it is terrifying. "I will, and with pleasure."

"But how do we beef up security without Orochimaru noticing?" asks the Hokage. "If we increase the number of police and ANBU on patrol too drastically, he will know we know something."

"Simple," says Fugaku. "We have the off-duty ANBU and police on alert as well. If we have the ANBU spread around the village in groups of three, with one in ANBU gear, one in normal shinobi gear and one in civilian clothes, then they will be far less conspicuous. The on-duty police will do their normal thing, but the off-duty police can go to the stadium, which is most likely where Orochimaru will be if his target is you, Lord Hokage. If Sasuke makes it to the final round that will easily explain the Uchiha clan's presence. If she doesn't, well I will think of something. Either way, I would like to be your personal bodyguard that day, Lord Hokage."

"That will hardly be necessary, Fugaku," says Lord Third. "My usual bodyguard will be enough, I am sure."

"Does your usual bodyguard possess the Mangekyou Sharingan?" asks Fugaku. It is about time the Hokage knew, and Ibiki is not likely to tell all and sundry.

"No, he does not. Why do you ask?" Lord Third's tone of voice tells Fugaku he does not believe the Mangekyou sharingan exists.

"If Orochimaru attacks you and he has somehow acquired the sharingan, only another sharingan user will be able to stand up to him," says Fugaku. "And if he took even the weakest of the sharingans belonging to those deserters, you will need the mangekyou."

"I am sure I can handle Orochimaru alone," says Lord Third.

"And I am sure that you are old and out of practice," says Fugaku. "Orochimaru is not old, and he recently acquired a power up of great magnitude. On top of that, we must assume that he knows the secrets in the Sacred Scroll of Sealing. If Orochimaru is planning to attack the Leaf, it is because he is sure he can win, or at least kill you."

Lord Third is about to speak, but Ibiki interrupts. "With all due respect, Lord Hokage, I think what Fugaku is trying to tell you is that the rumors are true and he does, in fact, possess the mangekyou sharingan."

"You will forgive me if I do not immediately believe you," says Lord Third.

Fugaku sighs and closes his eyes. Then he opens them again, showing the Hokage his mangekyou sharingan. "I gained these eyes in the Third Great Ninja War," Fugaku tells him. "I have kept them secret to protect the village and my clan. But the time has come to use them to protect the Hidden Leaf. Shisui also bears the mangekyou sharingan, but that too must be kept secret. Please, Lord Hokage, allow me to guard you during the Chunin Exam Finals." Fugaku deactivates his mangekyou sharingan.

Ibiki says, "Lord Third, I agree with Lord Fugaku. It is too dangerous, both for you and for the village, to allow you to fight Orochimaru alone. For the sake of the Hidden Leaf, let's follow Fugaku's plan."

Lord Third sighs. "Very well. I do not like it, but I will follow Fugaku's plan. I would have preferred to face Orochimaru alone, though. He was my student, and it is my responsibility to deal with him."

"Forgive me for my bluntness, Lord Hokage," says Fugaku. "But that is bull s###. No rogue ninja is that ninja's teacher's fault. It is the whole village's fault. They say it takes a village to raise a child, so if that child falls into darkness, the village is at fault. Many things influenced Orochimaru; no matter what you tell yourself, it is not your fault that he turned out the way he did."

"Fugaku is right," agrees Ibiki. "You should not blame yourself, or take on the responsibility of dealing with Orochimaru alone."

Lord Third sighs. "You are right, of course, but that does not erase my guilt."

"Your guilt is the village's guilt, Lord Third," says Fugaku. "And since Orochimaru's sharingan came from members of my clan, it is only fair that I help you fight him. However, it is not my fault they deserted. It is the village's fault as a whole. So, please, do not feel like it is your fault alone that Orochimaru deserted."

"Now that we have that sorted out," says Ibiki. "We should alert the ANBU and the Police and begin to plan the exact details of our defence against Orochimaru's invasion. But first, I must see how much more I can get out of my prisoner and then kill him and dispose of the body the way we usually dispose of dead prisoners - quietly."

"Very good," says Lord Third. "Fugaku, you are in charge of this operation, I will inform the ANBU to follow your orders for this. Be careful no one finds out what we are planning."

"Yes, Lord Hokage," says Fugaku, and bows.

"Ibiki, report anything else you find out to Fugaku," orders Lord Third. "If there is anything I need to know, I trust Fugaku will report to me. You are dismissed."

"Yes Lord Hokage," says Ibiki and bows.

The two men leave the Hokage's office. Once they are outside, Fugaku decides to return to more important matters. "How soon can you babysit Eizo?"


	65. Oh Boy

When Karin agreed to take the chunin exams, she did not think that Naruto would be taking them too. It never even crossed her mind that the new graduates would be allowed to participate. Karin is good at fuuinjutsu. She knows she is better than many other Uzumakis ever were at her age, however, Naruto's skills outshine hers by a longshot. However, when Karin first sensed the Cloud ninjas nearby she did not expect them to be such pushovers.

The three Cloud genins arrived a few minutes ago, only to be insulted by Sai, who did not realize he was being insulting. As a result, Team Shisui is currently hanging from a tree, in a net, while Karin takes note of every weakness, mistake and general area of shoddy teamwork she can find in the Cloud ninjas' trap.

It will take her all of five seconds to dismantle the trap, free herself, kick their butts and take their scroll, and that is with only half her power.

But watching them argue is just too funny.

Shin is busy picking his nose and Sai is sketching a bird he saw in a tree nearby. They are both content to wait until the Cloud ninjas stop arguing or Karin busts them out. So long as her teammates are not in a hurry to get out, Karin is content to listen to two of the Cloud ninjas argue.

"But what if they don't have the scroll we need, and then we have to keep looking for a scroll," the boy with the lollipop says. "And then we search all over the forest and we can't find a team with the right scroll. What if we fail, and don't make it to the final round and B sensei is mad at us and makes us listen to a rap about how we failed, but we shouldn't give up? And then…"

"Oh my gosh, SHUT UP, Omoi!" snaps the girl. "We will find the scroll we need! Stop worrying about everything!"

"But what if we get knocked out and sensei makes us listen to her rapping…"

"That's….a depressing possibility!" the girl droops. "We can't risk sensei's rapping!"

"Then why did you make such a shoddy trap?" calls Karin, wanting to stir up some more arguing. This is great entertainment.

"Oh no," says Omoi, holding his head. "What if the Leaf ninjas break out because we didn't plan this through properly, and then beat us up? What if they're so strong we have to be rescued by the proctors because we are dying? And what if sensei comes to the hospital to see us as we are breathing our last breaths and raps for us, and the last thing we hear and see is sensei rapping?!"

Karin thinks that their sensei would fit in in the Uzumaki clan. She sounds like great fun.

"That sounds horrible!" moans the Cloud girl, looking like she is about to cry tears of horror.

"Karui, don't encourage him!" scolds the third member of their team.

"But...sensei's...rapping…." both Cloud kids look broken and down-hearted.

"Oh my gosh, surely it's not that bad!" snaps the third team member.

"You've never heard B sensei rapping," says Karui. "So you do not know how bad it is. There is a GOOD REASON Lord Raikage prevents B sensei from rapping in public. A VERY good reason!"

"Hey!" calls Karin, wanting to get the important things out of the way. "What scroll do you have? If we don't have the one you want, you can just go find someone else to entertain - I mean fight. Yeah, fight. Why would I say entertain?"

"Oh, we have the Earth scroll," says Karui.

"SWEET!" grins Karin. Then she draws her favourite seal on her hand and holds it to the rope net. "Fuuin: Wrath of Jashin!" a pillar of fire shoots out of the seal and burns through the net, searing away everything in its path and burning the ground below Karin.

The three Cloud ninjas dive out of the way, pulling out weapons and taking up fighting stances.

Shin, Sai and Karin drop to the ground, landing like pros and pulling out their weapons of choice. "Let's get this party started," grins Shin.

* * *

Naruto wonders just how stupid these Grass ninjas are. Don't they realize that they are in a seal they cannot escape unless they are all as powerful as Kage, combine their strength and attack the barrier in rapid succession to break open a hole large enough for them to get out through? Honestly, you would almost think the Grass ninjas think they are dealing with fresh genins…

Oh, that's right.

Ah well, Naruto is still gonna kick some gr _ass_. Naruto giggles at his own clever pun.

"What is so funny, boy?" asks the long haired Grass ninja. Naruto decides it is male, after all it has no boobies.

"Oh, I was just thinking how grass rhymes with ass, and how Imma kick your Grass ass," says Naruto.

"Oh, aren't you just an adorable little boy!" coos the Grass ninja.

A moment later, a clone of that ninja rises out of the ground behind Naruto and grabs him around the shoulders. "You are just precious," says the clone, licking Naruto's face.

Naruto feels a mother of all shivers run up his spine. This guy is creepy with a capital what-ever-letter-creepy-starts-with. Is it a 'k' or a 'c'? "STRANGER DANGER!" Naruto yells, throwing the creepy guy over his shoulder onto the grass. The clone turns to mud and sinks into the ground.

"What a weak clone," remarks Naruto. "Look what I can do: Multi Shadow Clone Jutsu!" 99 Narutos appear inside the seal.

"Oh, how adorable!" says the creepy Grass ninja. "You are just so cute, I could gobble you up!"

"My Grandma always told me to stay away from people like you," says Naruto. "But this is the chunin exams, so I better kick your grass-ass instead." Two shadow clones take Sasuke and Madoka out of the seal. Naruto and his clones draw on the ground. Once Madoka and Sasuke are safe, Naruto and all his clones lets off as many different seals as they could think of at the same time. "I call this move Maelstrom of the Whirlpool." The seal erupts in a storm of lightning, fire, water, wind, snow, ice, hail, spikes, earthquakes, whirlwinds, itching powder, paint bombs, a rain of weapons and some spitballs.

"Seriously?" says the clone beside the clone who unleashed the spitballs. "You let off that jutsu?"

"Yeah, you got a problem with that, buddy?"

The two clones start punching each other's lights out.

"Oi!" yells the real Naruto. "Break it up, you two!"

"But he started it!" both clones say, pointing at eachother.

"I don't care who started," yells the real Naruto. "Don't make me come over there and finish it!"

"You sound like Grandma!"

"Hey! I'm not old!"

"I ment that you're bossy!"

"Shuddup!"

"You shuddup!"

"NARUTO!" yells Madoka. "If you're finished arguing with yourself, how about getting that scroll?"

Naruto - all 100 of him - grins sheepishly and rubs the back of his head. Then he goes over to the three thoroughly knocked out Grass genins and searches them for their scroll. They have the Earth scroll - the one Team Seven needs. Naruto holds it up above his head and yells, "They have the one we need! We can head to the tower now!"

"Great, now lower that barrier, and let's be off," says Madoka.

Naruto releases the Shadow Clone Jutsu and lowers the barrier. "Who wants to look after this scroll?"

"Give it to Sasuke," says Madoka.

"But…" Sasuke tries to protest, but Naruto thrusts the scroll into her hands.

"Let's go to the tower!" Naruto fist pumps the air.

* * *

Deep in the Forest of Death, early in the evening of the first day of the Chunin exams, two teams lie, miles apart, in similar states of disrepair. One team is from the Hidden Cloud. The other team is from the Hidden Grass.

The Hidden Cloud team had a run-in with Team Shisui. At first they thought they would win and gain a scroll. However, they were no match for Karin Uzumaki and her team mates Shin and Sai. These three Leaf genin took all of five seconds to break free of the trap they were caught in and beat the Cloud genins to into the ground.

"Now B sensei is sure to write a rap especially for us!" moans Omoi.

Far across the Forest, in a newly made clearing, lie the Grass ninja. They had the misfortune to run into Team Seven. While Team Seven took longer to beat the Grass ninjas than Team Shisui took to beat the Cloud ninjas, Team Seven did a much more thorough job. The trio of Grass genins are lying in broken heaps on the ground, their hair and clothing burned, muddy, torn in uncomfortable places and thoroughly soaked. There is no movement from any of these genin.

No movement except a sporadic twitch.

Only the longhaired Grass genin is actually conscious, however he is too sore to move. Those adorable rookies did quite a number on his team. He seriously doubts that his team will pass this stage of the exams. Those Leaf rookies are too strong for most of the other contestants to beat.


	66. That's Troublesome

Team Eight makes their merry way through the Forest of Death.

"But we have plenty of time to get some extra scrolls," Kiba argues. "We don't need to go to the tower right away!"

"We should get to the tower as soon as possible," counters Hinata. "Besides, we might encounter someone else on the way to the tower."

"We should not go looking for a fight," puts in Shino. "Why? Because one will…"

"Hey, Hinata, Akamaru can smell something up ahead," interrupts Kiba. "Can you have a look with your byakugan and see what it is?"

"...find us," Shino finishes, but no one is listening. The only one who ever listens to Shino is Sasuke.

"Right!" agrees Hinata, and skids to a stop on a large branch. Then she activates her byakugan and says, "There are two very strong teams about to fight just up ahead!"

"Sweet!" says Kiba. "let's watch the fight and pick on the winners! They'll be really tired after this, so they'll be easy prey!" Akamaru whines and hides in Kiba's jacket.

Shino wonders what is bothering Akamaru. "I think something about the ninjas up ahead bothers Akamaru," he says. "Because…"

"Come on, you two!" calls Kiba, who is already well ahead of Shino and Hinata.

"Something is definitely bothering Akamaru," says Hinata. "I hope Kiba isn't leading us into a dangerous situation."

"If that is the case," says Shino, glad Hinata was listening. "Then we should stick together for safety."

Hinata nods and runs after Kiba. Shino follows close behind, wondering who the teams up ahead are, and how strong they are to scare Akamaru like that. Shino's mind wanders a bit, and he finds himself wondering how Sasuke and her team are doing.

After a running a short distance, Kiba ducks down behind some bushes and signals Hinata and Shino to join him. Hinata jumps down from the trees and crouches down. Shino joins them, taking note of the fact that Akamaru is still hiding in Kiba's jacket.

On the other side of the bushes, a team from the Hidden Sand is staring down a much older, more experienced-looking team from the Hidden Rain.

"Give me your scroll and I will grant you a painless death," says one of the Sand genin, a red haired boy with a large gourd strapped to his back and the word 'love' tattooed onto his forehead.

"You think you can beat me?" demands one of the Rain ninjas, a tall teenager with a bundle of paper umbrellas tied to his back.

Akamaru whines.

"What's the matter boy?" asks Kiba.

Akamaru whines again and burrows deeper into Kiba's jacket.

"He says that big guy is in danger," says Kiba, disbelievingly. "But that red haired freak couldn't possibly be stronger, right?"

Hinata has a look with her byakugan. "There's something odd about his chakra," she says. "It's almost like he has two chakras, but the tall guy from the rain has much more developed chakra. I don't know...maybe we should watch this from a safer distance…"

The Rain boy takes the umbrellas off his back and throws them into the air. "There is no escape from my jutsu!" he boasts. An instant later, a thousand needles rain down on the Sand boy.

"He wouldn't have had time to dodge that, right?" asks Kiba, sounding as if he is trying to convince himself.

Shino wonders if Kiba knows how easy that jutsu is to counter if you posses the right ninjutsu. A quick substitution or a strong shield would do the trick, Shino thinks. He is not as surprised as the Rain ninjas and Kiba when the dust clears, revealing a shield of hardened sand around the Sand genin. The needles are stuck in the sand - not one touched the Sand genin.

"How…!" the Rain genin takes a step backwards as if he never considered the possibility of a shield.

The Sand genin does not say anything, he simply raises a claw shaped hand. A moment later, the Rain genin is completely encased in Sand. "Sand Coffin!" says the Sand genin, and clasps his hand into a fist. The sand contracts, sending blood flying through the air as the Rain genin is crushed into nothing. The sand falls back to the ground as the Sand genin lowers his hand.

Shino frowns. This guy would be a nightmare opponent for anyone. Just who is he? Shino hopes that Sasuke does not encounter this Sand team.

"Here!" one of the other Rain genins pulls out their scroll and places it on the ground. "Take it, but please leave us be!"

The Sand boy raises his hands.

"Bye bye!" says the blonde girl from the Sand team, waving cheerfully.

A moment later, the last two Rain genins are reduced to nothing.

Shino is surprised. Just how used to their teammate murdering people are these two genin? They do not even look remotely disturbed!

The third Sand genin, a boy in a black jumpsuit, picks up the Rain team's scroll and grins. "It's the one we need too! Let's head to the tower."

"But I am not satisfied," say the red head. "I still need more blood."

"Look, Gaara," says the the jumpsuit boy, grabbing the front of the straps holding on his team mate's gourd. "We don't need to go around killing people! We have what we need, let's go to the tower."

"If you get in my way," says Gaara. "I will kill you."

He says it so matter of factly, that Shino's heart skips a beat in fear.

"Come on Gaara," says the girl, holding up her hands in a peace gesture. "Listen to your big sister: we should finish now that we have our set of scrolls. We don't want to ruin the plan by drawing too much attention to ourselves."

Gaara does not move or change his facial expression for what seems like an eternity. Then he says, "I never thought of either of you as my siblings."

Shino sees the two other Sand genin tense. They are siblings?

Then Gaara raises a hand. Sand swirls in the air and condenses in Gaara's palm to form a cork. "Fine then," he says, gathering his sand back into his gourd and stoppering it with the cork. "Those rats hiding in the bushes aren't worth my time anyway."

The three Sand genin walk away, leaving Team Eight shaking in fear in the bushes behind them.

Shino cannot believe he did not consider the possibility of one of the genin being a sensor.

* * *

Jiraiya looks up at the house that used to belong to Minato. It has been so long since he was last here. Now Naruto lives here with whoever is looking after him. Sarutobi sensei and Kakashi won't tell Jiraiya who is actually looking after Naruto, just that he is being well looked after.

Jiraiya is not sure he likes the idea of people who are not Minato and …. And…. what was his wife's name again? Ku...Ku-something. Jiraiya never really knew her, so he does not remember her name. She was an Uzumaki though, he remembers that much.

Jiraiya takes a deep breath and walks up to the front door. He knocks, wondering if anyone is even home.

There is a loud bang from inside, the sound of muffled cursing and then a woman's voice yells, "I'LL GET IT!" Jiraiya hears footsteps, then a frazzled woman, who looks to be in her early sixties, opens the door. She has grey hair, swept into a tidy bun and piercing blue eyes. She has a young man by the ear. "Who are you?" she demands after sizing up Jiraiya.

The young man stops trying to free his ear and stares at Jiraiya like he is a ghost or something. "Lord Jiraiya?" he asks.

"Yes," says Jiraiya. "I am Jiraiya, the Toad Sage of Mount Myoboku. Who are you?" Jiraiya does not want to say he is looking for Naruto in case Sarutobi sensei forgot to tell him about a change of address or something. Old men can be quite forgetful.

"I wondered if you would ever turn up," says the young man, grinning. "Ow." he squeals, as the woman yanks his ear.

"Who did you say is here?" asks a frazzled looking man half falling out of the first door on the left. His greying hair is hanging on to the last of its original blonde colour, and his glasses are slipping down his has face, but he is very similar to the one person Jiraiya never expected to die young.

"Minato?" the name slips out before Jiraiya can stop it. "No, too old - who are you?"

The man cocks his head to one side in a way that would look adorable on a little kid. "You knew Minato?" he asks.

"I trained him," says Jiraiya.

"He's Naruto's godfather!" says the young man, pausing in his quest to free his ear from the older lady's grip.

"And you can be quiet and all, boy," snaps the woman, giving the young man's ear a yank.

"Eh?" the man with the glasses frowns at the woman and the young man in confusion. "What did he do?"

"Do you realize what the Second Round of the chunin exams consists of?" snaps the woman. "I do not like the idea of Naruto being in that dangerous forest with bloodthirsty foreign genin!" says the woman. "He just barely graduated!"

"Oh please," says the young man, rolling his eyes. "Naruto is probably the most dangerous thing in the Forest of Death right now."

The woman growls and gives the young man's ear a good shake.

"Ow ow ow!" The young man tries to get free.

Jiraiya feels a sudden burst of pride well up in his chest. So he is at the right house after all. "Who are you people?" he asks.

"You don't know?" asks the young man. "I'm Iruka Umino. These two are Arashi and Kazama Namikaze: Lord Fourth's parents."


	67. Sound Trap

Team Seven strolls through the Forest of Death, cheerfully admiring the scenery. They are waiting to be ambushed because they are bored and want to kick some ass. It is not long before a team falls for the bait, hook, line and sinker. Team Seven falls into a pit trap with some rather impressive sharp things at the bottom. Of course, Naruto uses a well-placed Temporal Distortion to slow his team's fall and they land safely in among the sharp shuriken and kunai.

"What a waste of perfectly good weapons," comments Madoka, picking up a few and testing their quality. After deciding they are worth keeping, Madoka pockets the weapons.

Sasuke clears a space and sits down neatly to wait for the team who laid the trap to show up. Naruto removes all trace of the Temporal Distortion seal. Madoka gathers more kunai and shuriken.

Three genins appear at the top of the pit, silhouetted against the sky. Sasuke glares at them. This stupid trap got her tights muddy! Dirt stains are a nightmare to get out of white clothing. Sasuke wonders why she even wears white. Oh yes, it is because it looks cool. Now who are these three idiots? Sasuke squints against the fading sunlight and makes out the distinctive forms of the three genin from the Hidden Sound.

"Haha, you fell for our trap," sneers the boy with the white rug on his back. Or is a cloak? Rug, cloak...who cares so long as Sasuke gets to beat one up.

"It would be more accurate to say we fell in your trap," points out Madoka.

"NERD!" says Naruto.

Madoka blushes.

The black haired Sound genin holds out his arms towards the pit. Naruto draws something in the dirt. A blast of air thunders towards them, accompanied by a sound like a thunder clap. A barrier erects around Team Seven, originating from the design Naruto drew in the dirt.

"How clever," says the Rug boy. "But can you dodge my attack?"

Naruto proves that he is a complete idiot and, not only lowers the barrier, but also says, "Bring it on!"

A moment later, all three members of Team Seven are knocked to the ground. Sasuke hears a noise like a thousand cicadas throwing a wild disco party explode through her ears. Pain explodes inside her head, and she is vaguely aware of her team mates holding onto their ears. What was that jutsu?

Naruto shakily pulls himself to his feet and demands, "How did you do that?"

The rug boy laughs. "I am Dosu of the Hidden Sound, and these are my team mates Kin and Zaku. Nothing you do can stop us because we are far superior to you little worms!" he laughs.

"I didn't ask for your names," says Naruto grumpily. "I asked how you did...whatever that was. I've never seen anything like it."

"That is because my jutsu is one of a kind!" boasts Dosu. "I am the only one who can use my techniques!"

Sasuke internally groans. Not a monologue! Oh, wait: Kakashi sensei taught them that getting the enemy to monologue is a good way to buy time. During that time, Kakashi sensei taught them, they can catch their breath and learn the enemy's secrets. Well, time to get him to talk for hours, because they need to buy time until their ears heal, or until Madoka recovers enough to heal them. How to encourage the sound kids to talk? Sasuke can just about use her arms, and she can see relatively well. Maybe…

Sasuke decides to do it. She pulls out a notebook and a pen and pretends to take notes. Dosu sees her taking notes and slows down his explanation so she can copy what he is saying more easily. He gets very technical in his explanation of the sound based jutsu and, as the pain in Sasuke's ears lessens, she is able to take notes faster. Dosu directs everything he says to Sasuke as soon as he realizes what she is doing. Sasuke wonders if her father would approve of the flirty tone Dosu has taken.

When Dosu finishes his explanation he grins at Sasuke and says, "Did you get all that down, cutie? Maybe I'll let you live if you give me a kiss."

Naruto and Madoka turn to look at Sasuke in surprise. They hadn't noticed the notebook.

Sasuke wasn't taking notes, she was only pretending to keep Dosu bragging. "S-s-sorry," she stammers, taking advantage of her shyness. All weaknesses should be used as weapons. "I don't think my Dad would approve." She blushes. "But I drew a picture of your team!" She turns the notebook around to show them the cartoon she drew of the three Sound genin. "Do you think it looks like them, guys?" she asks her team mates.

Naruto and Madoka stare at the rudely drawn cartoon of the Sound genin. Then they both burst out laughing and immediately clutch their ears in pain.

"It looks exactly like them!" Naruto snorts.

The three Sound genin glare at Sasuke in anger.

"What?" she says, playing innocent, which is easy, since she wants to go hide in a deep, dark hole. "I didn't mean to make it funny."

The Sound genins turn their glares to Naruto and Madoka, deciding Sasuke is the weak link of the team and probably didn't mean to make them look like characters from a late night adults' cartoon.

Sasuke's plan is working.

Madoka is healing his ears.

Naruto makes some shadow clones.

Dosu readies the weapon attached to his arm.

Madoka shuffles over to Sasuke and heals her ears.

Kin pulls out some senbon and holds them ready to throw.

Zaku holds out his arms, ready to fire whatever jutsu he has.

Madoka finishes healing Sasuke's ears and creeps over to Naruto, who seems to be the least affected.

Zaku sends a blast of air out of his arms.

"Formation C!" says Naruto, and his team mates nod in acknowledgement.

Madoka casts a genjutsu over the pit, and the three genin of Team Seven sneak out while Naruto's clones, a third transformed into Sasuke and a third transformed into Madoka, stay in the pit. Naruto, Sasuke and Madoka retreat to the nearest cover and stare at eachother in confusion.

"What is up with their techniques?" whispers Madoka. "We only just managed to get out of the way in time!"

"I wish you really had taken notes, Sasuke," sighs Naruto. "I didn't understand any of what that guy said. But that picture is pretty funny."

"What should we do?" whispers Sasuke. "Dosu can manipulate sound, that Zaku boy can shoot air out of his hands and who knows what creepy thing the girl can do!"

"Look on the bright side," whispers Naruto, grinning. "At least we get a challenging fight."

"What if we broke their justus?" asks Madoka. "If we break that tool, Dosu might not be able to fight."

"But how do we stop the other two?" asks Naruto.

"They've noticed we're gone," whispers Sasuke, activating her sharingan. "It's time to counterattack."

Naruto nods firmly and stands up, ready to fight. Madoka nods and leaps into the treetops to attack from above. Sasuke runs towards Zaku, and Naruto follows, heading for Dosu. Madoka leaps down from the trees, a kunai out, ready to attack Kin. The three Sound genin stand back to back in a triangle formation, their weapons ready. Sasuke leaves her teammates to their fights and focuses on her own.

Zaku fires his air blast at Sasuke, who leaps into the air, flying above the jutsu. She lands on the ground in a crouch near Zaku and launches herself into a flying leap over his head. Sasuke twists in the air so that her back is facing Zaku as she sails over his head. Zaku stares up at Sasuke, his mouth open in surprise. Sasuke turn her body vertically, finishing her mid-air turns by kicking Zaku in the back of the head. Zaku is sent flying across the grass as Sasuke lands in a crouch where he was standing a second ago. Zaku, his back to Sasuke, picks himself up off the grass. Sasuke leaps forward and grabs one of Zaku's arms in each hand and planting her foot squarely on his back.

Then she pulls hard.

Zaku screams as his arms are torn from their sockets.

Sasuke lets Zaku fall to the ground. "That takes care of your jutsu," she says, coldly.

"Woah, Sasuke!" Naruto's voice prompts Sasuke to turn and look at her teammates. "You didn't have to go that far!"

Kin is on the ground at Madoka's feet, probably under a genjutsu, but Dosu is still squaring off against Naruto. "I thought you were the weakest member of the team," says Dosu. "But it seems you are the strongest after all."

"No," corrects Madoka. "Naruto is the strongest. Sasuke is the most skilled, and I am-"

"NERD!" yells Sasuke.

Madoka droops. "And I'm the nerd."

"So you've got the brainy one, the brawny one and the skilled genius," says Dosu. "That seems to be the standard team formation." Dosu looks from one of his teammates to the other. "It seems my teammates are beaten." He pulls out a scroll and lays it on the grass. "Take this and let us be." he scoops up Kin, hurries over to Zaku, scoops him up too and shunshins away.

Naruto picks up the scroll. "An Earth scroll?"

"Too bad for them, we have a set already," says Madoka. "All he really did was retreat with dignity."

"At least he was smart enough to retreat," says Naruto. "But I wanted to fight that Dosu guy. He seemed strong. Maybe they'll make it to the finals." Naruto tucks the scroll into his pouch. "Let's go to the tower!"


	68. We Will Not Speak of This

Ibiki marches back into the T&I department. All is chaos. Ibiki grabs one of his minions by the collar and demands, "What is going on here?"

"The prisoner committed suicide, sir!" panics the underling.

Ibiki swears. "We still needed more information out of him!"

"Sir, he must've been hiding something else!"

"I am aware of that!" snaps Ibiki. There goes part of the plan. "Examine the body to find out exactly how he did it, then dispose of the prisoner quietly. Tell NO ONE we got information out of him."

"Yes sir!" The underling bows and scampers off to do Ibiki's bidding.

What important secret was the prisoner still hiding?

* * *

"No, really," Madoka says, as Team Seven hurries towards the tower on the second day inside the Forest of Death. "Those mushrooms are poisonous. It's a wonder you aren't dieing, Naruto."

"But I've eaten these kind of mushrooms before!" Protests Naruto. "They taste great, and the worst I've ever gotten from them is a tummy ache!"

"Naruto, that's not normal," says Madoka.

"I'll tell your Grandma you eat poisonous mushrooms if you don't stop eating them," says Sasuke, eying Naruto's handful of Destroying Angel mushrooms. "The fact they are poisonous is in the name, for goodness sake!"

"But angels can't be bad!" protests Naruto, putting another one in his mouth.

"DON'T EAT THAT!" yells Madoka, slapping Naruto's hand away from his mouth and sending the mushrooms flying. "SPIT IT OUT!" Madoka tries to force Naruto to spit out the mushrooms, but Naruto swollows them.

"I am telling your grandparents!" says Sasuke.

"If you do that I'll tell Kakashi sensei you are the one who stole his book!" snaps Naruto, who is still functioning - for now, at least.

"If you do that, I'll tell your grandma about the sexy jutsu!"

"If you do that, I'll tell your dad you aren't wearing your tights in the Forest!"

"It's hot in the Forest! I don't need them!"

"You wanna flash your panties to the enemy?!"

"I have shorts on! And so what if I do?"

Sasuke and Naruto are glaring right in each other's faces now. Madoka notices they are all under a genjutsu. He breaks the genjutsu.

"GRRR!" Naruto and Sasuke growl at each other, their arms crossed and their foreheads pressed together.

Three Rain genin in light blue camouflage jumpsuits appear out of the trees. One has two eyes, one has one eye and one has no eyes. Madoka wonders if they have terrible aim. Well, they are wearing bandages over their eyes, and they each have one, two or no eyes covered. Madoka knows just how to deal with them. He has been learning torture genjutsu from Kakashi sensei. He is about to cast one, when one of the Rain genin throws a kunai at him. Madoka wonders how the guy with both eyes covered can see well enough to aim. Must be an oversight on the team's part to let the guy with no eyes handle the projectile weapons. Madoka dodges backwards, accidently bumping Naruto, who is still glaring at Sasuke. Then Madoka casts his genjutsu and the three Rain genin fall to the ground screaming. Madoka searches them for their scroll, takes it and turns around.

Sasuke and Naruto are lying on the ground as a result of Madoka bumping Naruto. Naruto is on top of Sasuke and their lips are locked together. Madoka can see up Sasuke's dress. He blushes and looks away. "Sasuke, you liar!" says Madoka. "You aren't wearing shorts!"

Sasuke pushes Naruto off herself and jumps up and pulling her skirt down, turning very red. "I am!" she says defensively. "They ride up!"

"GROSS!" Naruto holds his throat and coughs. "I need to wash my mouth out!"

"Same!" says Sasuke, shuddering.

Madoka raises an eyebrow. He knows what he saw, and Madoka must draw the line. "Sasuke, Naruto," he says sternly. "We are going to find a river so you two can wash your mouths out. Sasuke, when we get there, you are to put your tights back on or I WILL tell your parents."

Naruto jumps up and runs off in a random directions yelling, "RIVER! COME TO ME! I NEED YOU!"

Sasuke follows Naruto at a more dignified pace, still trying to pull her skirt down, but at the sides now. Her face is still bright red. Madoka follows so as not to lose them.

About an hour later, Team Seven sets off for the tower again. Naruto and Sasuke each used an entire bar of Naruto's stash of soap to clean themselves. Naruto's Grandmother provided said soap. Sasuke also tried to clean the stains out of her tights, but failed and is wearing grass stained tights, because she didn't think to bring spares.

"Alright you two," says Madoka to his subdued teammates. "Let me make one thing clear: we will never speak of this again."

* * *

It is a very quiet Team Seven that arrives at the tower late on the second day of Round Two of the Chunin Exam. As they arrive at the tower, Naruto sees a familiar face. "Kabuto!" he calls, waving happily. "Do you have your scrolls?"

"No," says Kabuto. "We are actually looking to trap teams that have a full set to steal it. Do you have an extra Heaven scroll, by any chance?"

"Madoka, give him our extra Heaven scroll," says Naruto.

Madoka pulls out the scroll they took from the Rain genins earlier that day and gives it to Kabuto. "You better become a chunin this time," say Madoka.

"Thank you," says Kabuto, smiling. "I will do my best. Good luck to you."

The two teams enter the tower and see a hall full of doors with seals on them, some broken and some unbroken. A sign on the wall says each team must enter a different room. The two teams follow these instructions.

Naruto and his friends find themselves in a bare room with a poster on the wall. The three genin read the poster and stare at eachother in confusion.

"I don't get it," says Naruto. "Grandpa Third signed it, no wonder it's so hard to understand." Naruto crosses his arms and narrows his eyes at the poster.

"What's up with the blank space," wonders Madoka, his nerd brain trying to figure it all out. Naruto waits for Madoka to nerd up the answer. Finally, Madoka says, "I think it means we should open the scrolls at the same time."

"Okay!" agrees Naruto, trusting Madoka's nerd brain. He pulls out all the scrolls, gaining a squeal from Sasuke when he digs into her pouch and a slap from Madoka when he digs into his pouch. Once he has all three scrolls, Naruto opens them face up on the floor.

A seal is revealed, however nothing happens. There are too many components. Oh right - they only need two scrolls. Naruto takes out one of the Earth scrolls and waits to see what he is summoning.

There is a _poof_ of smoke and Iruka niisan appears. Naruto leaps forward and wraps himself around Iruka niisan. "Iruka niisan! I used your barrier against some of our enemies! It's awesome!"

"Wait, that was Iruka sensei's jutsu?" asks Madoka, his mouth hanging open.

"Yes," says Naruto, grinning.

"Which barrier are you talking about?" asks Iruka niisan, curiously. "I've taught you more than one."

"The Crimson Lion Barrier," replies Naruto.

Iruka niisan opens his mouth then snaps it shut again. "Don't you think that was a little... _overkill_?" he asks nervously.

"Why?" asks Naruto, cocking his head to one side in confusion. "It did the job."

"Naruto," Iruka scratches his nose and blushes. "That is currently the strongest barrier seal in existence."

"I thought the strongest barrier seal was the Four Crimson Ray Formation," says Madoka nerdily.

"It was," says Iruka, rubbing at his nose scar. "But I adapted it for use by one person and improved its strength and efficiency, thus creating the the Crimson Lion Barrier."

Naruto knows all this of course, but he turns to look at his teammates to see what they think. Madoka's mouth is hanging open and he is pointing at Iruka niisan. Sasuke's eyes are as wide as dinner plate and she is making unintelligible noises.

Iruka niisan is still blushing.

"You...you're...what?...how?" Madoka stammers, shaking a bit. "Who are you?"

"I am the last member of the ancient and noble Umino clan, the greatest masters of fuuinjutsu aside from the noble clan Uzumaki."

"But they're WHIRLPOOL clans!" shouts Madoka.

"Have you never paid any attention to Iruka niisan's clan name, dattebayo?" asks Naruto.

Madoka stares at Naruto. "YOU! YOU! YOU'RE AN UZUMAKI! YOU'RE FROM A WHIRLPOOL CLAN!"

"Why are you so surprised?" asks Naruto. "Karin is one too. Infact, her mum was Iruka's Dad's apprentice, and Iruka niisan and Karin's Mum are the last living people who were actually born in the Whirlpool. They're probably the last full bloods as well." Naruto shrugs. He can't understand why this is such a big deal.

"Naruto," says Iruka niisan seriously. "Please don't go around telling people we are part of the Hidden Whirlpool's founding clans. Things could get ugly."

"Yes niisan," says Naruto. "So how come you're here?"

Iruka niisan smiles and says, "I'm here to tell you three that you have passed the Second Round of the Exams."

"YAY!" Naruto lets go of Iruka niisan and runs around the room with his hands in the air. "We made it to the finals, 'tebayo!"

"What would have happened if we had opened the scrolls before we reached the tower, Iruka sensei?" asks Sasuke, quietly.

"I would have come out in all my terrifying glory and removed you from the exam," says Iruka niisan. "How I would have done so is my secret."

"What's that poster about?" asks Madoka, pointing up at the poster on the wall.

"Oh that?" says Iruka, turning to look at it. "Heaven is the mind, Earth is the body. The poster is basically telling you to train in the area you lack. For example, Madoka is mostly brains and Naruto is mostly brawn, therefore Naruto should train his mind and Madoka should train his body, then they will be smart and strong like Sasuke. Or me. The missing word is 'Jin', which means 'one person' and 'all people'. Yes, it is hard to grasp, but this is the chunin derivative set down by the Third Hokage. Remember it - so long as you follow it, theoretically, you will be able to do any mission. Naruto," Iruka turns to Naruto. "The poster means the same thing I taught you for the Advanced test."

* * *

"I ensured all Cloud teams were knocked out like you ordered," says Kabuto.

"Good," says Orochimaru, taking the proffered NInja Info Card. "What is this?"

"Information on the Leaf's jinchuuriki, Lady Orochimaru," says Kabuto. "He passed the Second Round."

"Good," smiles Orochimaru, and shunishins away.


	69. Lions' Barrage

Shisui joins the other jounin sensei whose teams passed the second round. "Wassup, guys?" he mumbles, yawning.

"Dude, it's a little early in the evening for you to be that tired, isn't it?" teases Asuma. "Have you been doing things with Itachi again?"

Kurenai blushes and says, "Leave him be, Asuma."

"Yes Kurenai," says Asuma, contritely.

Shisui yawns again and says, "If you must know, Fugaku is mad at me and I spent the last few days running from him. I got hardly any sleep due to the fear. I just hope he doesn't turn up here." Shisui rubs his eyes, which are starting to close.

"What did you do?" asks Anko, from the row where the proctors are standing.

"He got Itachi pregnant," says Ibiki, from beside her.

Kakashi starts laughing.

"THAT'S NOT FUNNY!" yells Shisui. "HE COULD KILL ME FOR THAT!"

"Would you lot PLEASE shut up!" orders the Hokage, from the very front of the lineup of jounin senseis and exam proctors. "The contestants are coming in soon and we need to be professional."

"Did you really get Itachi pregnant, Shisui?" asks Iruka.

"Yes he did, I learned that from Fugaku himself," says Lord Third. "Now by Kaguya, SHUT UP."

"Yes Lord Hokage!" chorus the disappointed jounins and chunins. Shisui can tell they wanted to hound him for the juicy details.

Shisui, who knows he smells due to not having bathed for several days, has bags under his eyes, and has a tangle of hair resembling a bird's nest on his head, fishes in his pouch for a comb and starts trying to make himself look presentable. An Uchiha's pride is his beautiful, shiny hair. Madara even grew his butt-length, and it was glorious. As the passing contestants file in and line up, Shisui is forced to accept that messy spikes will have to do, and puts his comb away.

The teams line up and Naruto calls 'hello' to all his friends. "Hinata! You made it! Shikamaru! Choji! You're here too! We are _so_ onto this!" Then Naruto sees Shisui. He cocks his head to one side, a confused expression on his face. "Shisui, are the police after you? You look like you've been on the run for a week."

"Not all the police, just the Chief," says Shisui, yawning and trying not to drop from exhaustion.

"Is it because you let Sasuke break her grounding sentence?" asks Naruto.

Everyone is staring now.

"Well no...that's not actually the reason…"

"Then what?"

"Sasuke, you are gonna be an auntie," says the Hokage. "Now can we please get on with the business at hand?"

Sasuke adopts an expression of relief and horror mixed together. Then she glares daggers of pure hatred at Shisui and quickly looks at the floor.

In that moment Shisui realizes Sasuke has a crush on him. Well, ####.

The Hokage is explaining the Third stage of the Chunin exams, but Shisui is in a bubble of regret, exhaustion and pain. How could he not have realized Sasuke has a crush on him? How could he have forgotten the condom? How has he had so little success getting away from Fugaku?

 _CRASH._ A being composed of darkness and terror, with glowing red eyes falls through the ceiling and lands in a crouch between the genin and the Hokage. "Where is he?" growls Lord Fugaku, glaring around the room.

All the genins except Naruto and a kid from the Sand start screaming in terror and run to huddle against the back wall.

"Hey Mr. Nice Police Chief!" says Naruto, grinning. "We made it past Round Two! Hey, where did everyone go?"

Shisui breaks out in a cold sweat and curls up on the floor in the fetal position.

"Mr. Nice Police Chief," says Naruto, crossing his arms and glaring at Lord Fugaku, who has his eyes locked onto Shisui. "You need to calm down, you are scaring Sasuke."

Lord Fugaku turns his head to look at the huddled group of genin, two of whom are using their unmoved, gourd bearing teammate to hide behind. Sasuke is cowering behind Shino, who looks just as scared as everyone else.

Lord Fugaku calms down instantly and straightens up. He turns and points at Shisui. "I'll deal with you when there is no one around to act as witness." Then he calmly walks over to Sasuke and gives her a hug. "There, there," he says, patting her head. "You don't need to be afraid of your Dad."

"THAT'S HER DAD?!" Ino Yamanaka yells, a look of horror on her face.

"Yes," says Lord Fugaku. "Now aren't you kids supposed to be standing in line while the Hokage talks for half an hour?"

"I was just finishing," says Lord Hokage. "Shisui, please stand up."

"Lord Hokage, may I take it from here?" asks Hayate as Shisui stands to attention.

"Go ahead, Hayate," says Lord Hokage tiredly.

The genin teams line back up, with Fugaku standing beside them.

"I'm Hayate," coughs Hayate. "I'm your next proctor. Let's get right to business: there's too many of you to make an enjoyable show. Does anyone want to quit to get the numbers down? Bear in mind that the upcoming tournament will be a public fight to the death or knockout."

Sasuke turns to look at her father, probably wanting to know if she should withdraw. Surprisingly, Fugaku shakes his head and smiles. Sasuke turns back to face Hayate, a grin on her face.

"Seriously: does anyone want to withdraw?" asks Hayate, coughing some more.

No answer, just determined expressions from the genins.

"Alright then," shrugs Hayate. "We're gonna have a preliminary round right here, right now, no break. NOW does anyone want to quit?"

Still nobody quits.

Hayate grins. "In that case: we will now have one-on-one matches, randomly selected from the group of contestants by this computer." He points to the giant computer hanging on the wall behind him. "Now I'm gonna select the first match right away. If your name is selected, stay here, and everyone else can go up to the balcony to watch, alright?" Hayate coughs some more.

The computer screen shuffles through the names and selects, "Sasuke Uchiha VS Yoroi Akado."

The genin who weren't selected head towards the balcony. Fugaku says something to Sasuke before following them. Shisui and the other jounin head to the balcony. Kakashi stops to have a quick word with Sasuke on the way past. Shisui does not hear what they say. He stumbles up to the balcony and finds himself face-to-face with Lord Fugaku. "Are you gonna kill me with all these people here?" Shisui asks.

"No," says Lord Fugaku. "I will leave you in peace until the preliminaries are over."

"Oh good," says Shisui, and passes out on the floor from relief.

* * *

Sasuke is surprised when her father tells her not to quit, but she is even more surprised when she is selected for the first match.

As the other contestants file past on their way to the balcony, Sasuke's father walks over to her and puts his hand on her shoulder. "I'll talk to you about this later," he says grimly. "But I need you to get to the Final round. The village's safety might depend on it."

"But Dad-" Sasuke tries to ask why he isn't making her withdraw.

"Hush and beat that guy into the ground," says her father. "I believe in you."

Sasuke nods, unused to her father saying things to her that aren't "you're grounded".

Sasuke's father smiles a very tiny smile and heads to the balcony. He seems worried about something.

Sasuke jumps when Kakashi sensei puts a hand on her shoulder. "I'm assuming you want to save _that_ technique for the finals?" he asks.

Sasuke nods. "I don't want Dad to know about it yet."

"Then try to beat this guy with just taijutsu," suggests Kakashi sensei. "That will impress your Dad and hide most of your power for the finals."

"Yes sensei," says Sasuke, wondering if she will be able to do that. She beat Zaku with just taijutsu. Why not this guy?

"Sasuke Uchiha, Yorio Akado," says Hayate. "Do you have any objections to the match?"

"No," says Yoroi.

"Uh-uh," Sasuke shakes her head.

"Good," says Hayate. "Um...Let the match begin."

Sasuke pulls out a kunai and throws it at Yoroi. Yoroi rolls out of the way, a coating of odd chakra covering one of his hands. Yoroi runs at Sasuke, lunging at her with the glowing hand. Sasuke just barely manages to dodge, leaping over rubble from the ceiling.

"You're a fast little girl, aren't you?" says Yoroi.

Sasuke pulls out another kunai and waits for his attack. Next thing she knows, he is behind her, the glowing hand ready to strike. Sasuke rolls out of the way. Her tights are ruined. She's gonna need some new clothes. Preferably dark coloured ones that won't show stains so easily.

Yorio throws a volley of shuriken at Sasuke, who deflects them with her kunai. But Yoroi was following close behind the shuriken and Sasuke has to move fast to get out of his way. The glowing chakra on his hand brushes Sasuke's arm and she feels her strength drain away. Sasuke falls to her knees and Yoroi grabs her arm, draining her chakra away. Sasuke thinks fast. No chakra means no ninjutsu, but it doesn't mean no taijutsu. What technique can she do that will catch him without touching him? Then Sasuke has an idea.

Sasuke musters her strength and breaks free of Yoroi's grasp. "Is that all you can do?" she goads Yoroi, forgetting everything but the fight. She backs away, thinking hard about how to pull off her plan.

Yoroi readies his chakra-stealing hand and charges Sasuke. Sasuke darts forward and kick upwards, making contact with Yoroi's jaw and sending him flying into the air. She is glad now, that she fought Rock Lee. Sasuke launches herself into the air, becoming Yoroi's shadow. "Dancing Leaf Shadow," she says, and spins in mid air, kicking Yoroi back down towards the ground. What to call the finishing move, though? Yoroi tries to block Sasuke, but she wears him down as they plummet back to the ground, then she kicks him hard in the stomach, breaking the floor with the force of her kick. "Lions' Barrage!" she names the jutsu after the most majestic cats. Momentum causes Sasuke to go sliding across the floor. However, she picks herself up, ready to continue.

Hayate walks over to Yoroi and crouches down beside him. "Sasuke Uchiha wins by knockout!"


	70. Bugged Out

Tired but happy, Sasuke heads up onto the balcony and joins her team. Her father is still there, standing over a passed out Shisui. Sasuke's Dad smiles at her and says, "Good girl."

"SASUKE!" Rock Lee scoots over to her and gets right up in Sasuke's face. "YOU STOLE MY TECHNIQUE! THAT IS NOT VERY YOUTHFUL OF YOU!"

"You should take it as a compliment to your skill," says Kakashi. "That she would consider your moves worth stealing."

"Kakashi, my rival," says Might Gai, joining them. "Your student takes after you in the copying department. I had no idea you were teaching these kids to do as you do and copy their opponents!"

"Sorry, did you say something?" asks Kakashi, shooting Gai a genuinely confused look.

"Kakashi, you are so hip and cool!" laments Gai.

Sasuke giggles behind her hand, hoping her Dad won't notice and be disappointed in her for showing emotion in public.

Sasuke's Dad bursts out laughing, a hand over his mouth while the other slaps his thigh. "You people are hilarious!"

Sasuke is so surprised she hides behind Kakashi sensei, and peeks out from behind him, staring at her father. Is it possible that that distant cousin who left the village lied to her about what an Uchiha should and shouldn't do?

"We will now select the second match!" says the proctor, and coughs for a bit. The computer scrolls through some names and selects "Shino Aburame and Zaku Abumi."

Zaku? Isn't that the guy whose arms Sasuke dislocated? Why didn't he drop out? Sure enough, the Sound genin who Sasuke fought in the Forest of Death descends from the other balcony, both arms in slings. Shino, who is on the same balcony as Sasuke, heads down to fight him. Shino grins at Sasuke on the way past.

"I wonder what happened to that guy's arms," says Ino, who is nearby.

"Oh, Sasuke dislocated them with her bare hands," Madoka informs the blonde girl.

Sasuke's Dad turns to look at Sasuke, surprise written all over his face. "Did you..?" he points from Sasuke to Zaku.

"Yes," says Sasuke, who is still hiding behind Kakashi. All these people were watching her fight, and now they are staring at her!

"She beat him up with just Taijutsu too," says Naruto, helpfully.

Luckily for Sasuke, Shisui chooses that moment to roll over and mumble something about needing to escape. All those close to him turn to stare at Shisui.

"You know," says Sasuke's Dad. "He's so pathetic right now, it would be almost cruel to kill him."

"He's probably learned his lesson," says Kakashi. "Did he really get Itachi pregnant? I mean, we all knew they were together, but we all thought he would be smart about it."

"Yes," sighs Sasuke's Dad. "It's true. He probably has learned his lesson…"

"Mr. Nice Police Chief?" Naruto tugs on Sasuke's Dad's sleeve. "If you kill Shisui your unborn grandchild will grow up without a father."

Sasuke's father droops. "You really know how to hit home, don't you, kid?" Sasuke's Dad droops while everyone else holds their breath. The entire room is watching, Sasuke notices. "Maybe I'll just castrate him."

"Don't you want more grandkids?" asks Naruto.

"Well...yes...but…"

"Then just beat him up and leave it at that," suggests Kakashi. "But wait until he wakes up."

"Fine," sighs Sasuke's Dad.

"Are you finished deciding Shisui's fate?" calls Hayate. "We need to get on with this match."

"Then get on with it!" says Sasuke's Dad, irritably.

"Right, Shino VS Zaku!" announces Hayate. "You may begin!"

"You should quit while you still can," says Shino. "You cannot fight me with no arms."

"Well that won't be a problem," says Zaku, grinning and pulling one of his arms out of its sling. "This arm seems to be working."

"One arm won't be enough either," says Shino. Sasuke feels an odd feeling in her stomach. Is it nerves? Maybe. Shino is her friend, and this guy is probably hiding that both his arms really do work. Dislocation is easy to fix.

Zaku charges at Shino, taking a swipe at Shino's head. Shino blocks with just his forearm, staring down Zaku. Zaku sends a blast of slicing airwaves at Shino's head. Shino goes flying across the floor. Sasuke runs towards the barrier and leans over, staring down at Shino in worry.

"Get up, loser!" says Zaku, and Shino stands up. "What?" Zaku stares at Shino in shock. "Bugs?"

Bugs are climbing out of Shino's skin, getting ready to swarm. Behind Zaku, an arm of bugs is crawling along the ground towards the Sound ninja. Zaku notices them and starts looking back and forth, trying to decide who the bigger threat is. Shino holds up a bug on his finger. "Do you like my little friends?" he asks. "They are called kikaichu. They will suck out all your chakra, which will definitely kill you. You only have one arm, and cannot attack both sides at once. If you attack me, my beetles will kill you. If you attack my beetles, I will kill you. You are trapped. Surrender."

Sasuke's eyes widen. Shino has practically won with very little effort.

Zaku glares at Shino.

Shino makes a handsign. "Unless you have a backup plan, you are done for."

Zaku whips out his other arm and points one towards Shino and the other towards the army of bugs. "How's this for a backup plan?"

"Predictable," says Shino.

Zaku fires a blast of cutting air out of each arm. A second later, both arms explode, one of them breaking clean in half. "What the..?"

Sasuke looks closely at the severed arm. There is a tube running down the centre of it, with an exhaust point on Zaku's palm. Shino's bugs are crawling out of each end of the arm and returning to Shino.

Shino sneaks up behind Zaku faster than Sasuke can follow without her sharingan. "While I distracted you with all that talk," says Shino. "My friends made their merry way into your windpipes and blocked them up. How's that for a backup plan?" Shino punches Zaku across the room, knocking him out.

Hayate crouches down and has a look at Zaku. "The winner is Shino!" he announces.

"What?" exclaims Lee. "Neji, how did he do that?"

Neji activates byakugan and examines Shino. The look of horror on Neji's face annoys Sasuke. "His whole body is infested with those beetles!" Neji says, the shock in his voice annoys Sasuke even more.

"Don't you know anything about the other Konoha clans, Hyuuga?" asks Sasuke's Dad. "The Aburame clan is a clan of people who let beetles live inside their bodies in exchange for being able to call on the beetles in battle."

"Oh, that's right," says Neji. "I have heard of a clan that lets its new born babies be taken over by crawling vermin-"

 _Smack!_ Sasuke punches Neji in the face. "Don't make fun of my friend!"

"Sasuke!" snaps Sasuke's Dad. "Save it for the exam."

"On to the next match!" says Hayate. "Misumi Tsurugi VS Kankuro."

Shino comes back up the stairs and stands between his team and Sasuke's team. One of Shino's beetles flies over and sits on Sasuke's shoulder. Sasuke and Shino grin at each other.

Down in the ring, the third member of Kabuto's team, who looks exactly like the dude Sasuke beat up, is squaring off against the ugly cat boy from the Hidden Sand.

"Begin!" says Hayate.

"I'm going to end this quickly!" boasts Misumi.

"You can't end it if I end it first!" says Kankuro.

Shino facepalms. Sasuke pulls a face. How stupid can the guy get?

Sasuke is not too interested in this fight. She watches boredly until Misumi literally wraps himself around Kankuro and starts talking about squeezing the life out of Kankuro like a snake. "EWW!" Sasuke grabs Shino's arm and half-hides behind him. That technique is creepy and gross! Who turns themself into a boneless squeeze-machine? That's gross and creepy!

The chakra sucking parasitic beetle sitting on Sasuke's shoulder tickles her neck. It's such a cute little bug.

Then Kankuro turns his head 180 degrees and starts making whirring noises. Turns out Kankura has a puppet in that ugly bundle tied to his back, and he switched places with the puppet.

Misumi starts screaming in fear, Kankuro boasts about his victory and the proctor calls the match. "Kankuro wins due to Misumi's inability to fight back!"

"Creepy…" mutters Sasuke, squeezing Shino's arm.

"You think those guys were creepy, but you're fine with Shino, who is a literal walking hive of parasites?" says Kiba. "Man, girls are weird."


	71. Noble House

Kakashi thinks it is cute how Sasuke is hanging on to Shino. Fugaku doesn't seem to think it's cute, judging by the annoyed looks he keeps shooting in Shino's direction. Ah well, they'll figure it out. Besides, Kakashi is fairly sure Sasuke has a thing for Shisui. Not Shino. Or maybe Naruto. Or Madoka. Kakashi is officially confused. Who does Sasuke like?

"Now for the fourth match!" announces Hayate.

Kakashi looks over to the screen. "You better get down there, Madoka," he says, tapping Madoka on the shoulder.

Sasuke loosens her grip on Shino and looks over at Madoka, causing new waves of confusion in Kakashi's mind. Naruto also looks at Madoka and slaps his teammate on the shoulder encouragingly.

Madoka heads down to face his opponent - Ino Yamanaka.

"Hey Madoka," says Ino grinning. "It's bad luck you're up against me. I've always been stronger than you - and I got a lot stronger since graduation."

"I have gotten stronger too," says Madoka. "In fact, I took out an entire team by myself in the forest. We gave their scroll to Kabuto because he asked if we had a spare."

"You're lying!" yells Ino, pointing an accusing finger at Madoka. "There's no way YOU are that strong! You're a nerd! Nerds aren't strong!"

"Begin!" says Hayate.

Ino runs forward and swings a punch at Madoka. Madoka blocks and sends his own punch straight into Ino's stomach. Kakashi feels a thrill of pride in his nerd. He taught his genins many things, but Madoka has obviously been practicing. He can already feel Madoka charging a genjutsu to knock Ino out of action. Kakashi wonders if Madoka used that genjutsu to knock out that entire team he mentioned.

Ino and Madoka exchange blows. For a bit, Madoka landing most of the blows.

"Stop trying to go easy on me," says Madoka. "I'm not a helpless little nerd anymore. I am a ninja nerd."

"You want me to go all out?" asks Ino. "I AM going all out!"

"Don't you have any, I don't know...ninjutsu?" Punch, punch, kick.

Ino pulls out a kunai and throws it at Madoka, who substitutes away, letting the kunai imbed itself in a random log. Where do those logs come from, anyway?

Kakashi wonders what genin Naruto will be pitted against, and whether or not he will hide his power.

Madoka finally casts his genjutsu and knocks out Ino.

"When a contestant is put under genjutsu they have ten seconds to get out of it before their opponent is declared the winner," says Hayate. "One! Two! Three! Four! Five…"

Kakashi zones out. When is the next Make Out Paradise coming out?

"...Nine! Ten!" finishes Hayate. "Madoka is the winner!"

Naruto yawns. "Can we get on with the next match now, dattebayo? That was so predictable. Why couldn't Madoka fight someone who knows about genjutsu?"

Kakashi couldn't agree more.

"Hey!" calls that redhead from Shisui's team - Karin or whatever her name is. "How come Madoka is so strong now? That makes no sense!"

"We learned how to climb trees and monologue," counters Naruto. "Now we are invincible."

"You are not!" Karin sticks her tongue out at Naruto.

"If you were Uzumaki-ing right, you would nod and say, 'I am invincible too'," says Fugaku, shaking his head. "What do they teach kids these days?"

"Wait…" Karin stares at Fugaku. "How do you know I'm an Uzumaki?"

"I filled in your paperwork when you moved here, kid," says Fugaku. "I am head of village security, after all."

Karin stares at Fugaku, her mouth opening and closing.

Madoka joins them. "You're up next, Karin," he says, jerking his thumb at the screen. Ino is passed out on Madoka's back. It appears Madoka decided to carry his old friend back to the balcony.

Kakashi looks over to the screen and reads, "Karin VS Kabuto Yakushi."

"Oh, it's my turn," Karin seems surprised, but she heads down to the arena anyway.

A boy with white hair and glasses joins her. "Hello," the boy says, smiling.

"Hey!" Karin says, pointing at the boy, whom Kakashi figures must be Kabuto. "You're the kid with Ninja Info Cards!"

"Oh you remember…" Kabuto pulls out a handful of blue cards and fans them out in front of his face. "My Ninja Info Cards."

"What have you got on me?" asks Karin.

"Begin when you're ready," sighs Hayate, and heads to the sidelines to cough a bit.

"Let's see…" Kabuto makes a show of sifting through his cards before selecting one and putting the rest away. "Here we are. Karin: age 13. Kunoichi of Team Five of the Village Hidden in the Leaves. Specialization: fuuinjutsu. Secondary skills: taijutsu and medical ninjutsu." Kabuto's grin widens. "That is interesting. I too am a medical ninja."

Karin grins. "Here's something to add to your Ninja Info Card: My clan is clan Uzumaki of the Hidden Whirlpool. And I am an Advanced student in fuuinjutsu according to the ancient tradition of the Whirlpool."

"Advanced?" Kabuto smiles. "I'll be impressed _if_ you become a Master."

Karin draws a seal on her palm and aims her hand at Kabuto. "I'm working on it. Those shinigami don't like being bossed around, you know. Fuuin: Wrath of Joe!" A bolt of lightning shoots out of her hand, heading straight for Kabuto.

Kabuto dives out of the way and grins, charging both his hands with chakra, turning them into blades. "You are talented, I can see that," says Kabuto. "But I have far more experience than you. This will be an interesting fight." He leaps forward, faster than the human eye can follow, and stabs Karin in the shoulder.

Karin goes flying across the arena, leaving a tail of blood in her wake. Karin pulls herself to her feet, grinning and holding her bleeding shoulder. "You're good," Karin says, a crazy intense expression in her eyes. Then she starts laughing maniacally.

Fugaku leans over and says, "You are witnessing the awakening of suppressed Uzumaki craziness."

"What?" says Kakashi, staring at Fugaku in confusion.

"Uchihas must awaken their sharingan, some Hyuugas must awaken their byakugan," explains Fugaku. "And some Uzumakis must awaken their crazy."

"Okay…" Kakashi will have to take Fugaku's word for it.

Karin draws a seal in the air with her blood. How it stays in the air is beyond Kakashi. Then she shunshins to the left of Kabuto, draws another seal, shunshins behind Kabuto and draws a third seal, then shunshins to the right of Kabuto and draws a fourth seal. All this she does in barely a second. "Fuuin," says Karin, making handsigns faster than Kakashi can follow without his sharingan. "Wrath of the shinigami." Lightning shoots from one seal, fire from another, earth spikes from the third and a blizzard from the fourth.

Kabuto does not have time to get out of the way. He takes the full force of the attack, turning into a burned, bloody mess. The proctor is about to call the match when Kabuto starts hissing and steaming. His body heals completely in a matter of seconds. Then he stands and says, "That was quite a move, but I am a medic."

"How…?" Karin takes a step backwards.

Kabuto grins and advances towards Karin.

Karin is terrified, everyone can see that.

Kabuto launches himself forward again.

Karin screams in terror and closes her eyes, crossing her arms in front of her face. An instant before Kabuto would have made contact, a glowing chain made of chakra explodes out of Karin's back and wraps itself around Kabuto, halting him in his tracks.

Kakashi stares in surprise. He has seen this kekkei genkai before. Kushina had it.

"Hey!" says Naruto. "That's one of the Uzumaki clan kekkei genkai! The chakra chains! That so cool, 'tebayo! Pity only girls inherit Uzumaki kekkei genkai."

Karin peeks out from behind her arms and sees the glowing chain.

Kabuto strains against the chain and manages to push it away from himself. Then he leaps back, out of range of the small, rather weak chain.

Karin is shaking now, awakening a kekkei genkai shocks most people, but Karin is losing a lot of blood from the wound in her shoulder. The chain retracts into Karin's back.

Kabuto leaps forward and punches Karin squarely in the stomach, knocking her out.

Hayate checks Karin and motions for the medic to come and collect her. "The winner is Kabuto Yakushi!" he announces.

"Well that was lame," says Kiba.

"Oi, dog boy," says Fugaku. "That girl awakened one of the most powerful kekkei genkai in existence. That was not lame."

Kiba rolls his eyes, and mutters something about old people being easily impressed. Sasuke and Fugaku send matching glares at Kiba. Kakashi thinks it is adorable.


	72. Iruka and Kazama

Iruka doesn't want to miss Naruto's match, but he really needs to take a leak. The Hokage doesn't talk for small lengths of time, and Iruka is regretting drinking two litres of iced tea to get rid of the headache Kazama's constant worrying for Naruto gave him. Seriously, Naruto was just taking the chunin exams. It's not like they were setting him loose in a forest full of Whirlpool genins. Now THOSE chunin exams were always the most fun. Or at least that's what his parents told him.

Happily finished taking a leak, Iruka heads back to the arena. Iruka has barely gone two steps before Sparky flies down and lands on Iruka's head. Iruka takes the message inside Sparky's leg-holster. The message reads:

 _Iruka-boy,_

 _Why is Naruto not home yet? You said the exam would finish at five, and it is almost six already! What is happening? Naruto better not be hurt!_

 _Kazama._

Iruka sighs. Then he writes a reply, even though Sparky is trying to undo Iruka's hair and Iruka spends a good ten minutes searching for a pen. He has one in one of the seals on his clothing. Somewhere. Eventually he finds one in the seal behind his ear, which he now remembers he made especially to keep pens in. Where is his pen? Behind his ear. Always. He just has to remember.

 _Kazama:_

 _Naruto is fine. He made it through the Second Round easily. Too many teams made it to the finals, so they are holding a preliminary round. I will bring Naruto home once it is over. And I will feed him on the way home._

 _Iruka._

Iruka does not add that he is planning on taking Naruto to Ichiraku's. Kazama will get worried that Naruto won't get enough nutrition if he does. With that done, Iruka gives Sparky the message and fixes up his hair. Then Iruka joins Naruto on the arena balcony. "What did I miss?" he asks.

Naruto grins at Iruka and says, "Sasuke won her match against some dude who can suck chakra, then Shino won against a kid from the Hidden Sound, then Madoka kicked Ino's butt, then Karin lost to a guy called Kabuto, but Karin awakened the chakra chains, so she got a lot from the fight. They are just about to announce the next match. Where were you?"

"Taking a leak and sending a message to Kazama to tell her we will be home a lot later than she thought we would be," replies Iruka.

"Oh," says Naruto.

"Now for the next match!" announces Hayate, from down in the arena. "Temari, Tenten, got down here!"

As the two contestants head down to the arena, Madoka turns to Iruka. "Iruka sensei," he says. "Naruto was eating Destroying Angel mushrooms while we were in the Forest of Death!"

"How in the Hell is he still alive?" yells Kiba, shocked.

"BUT THEY ARE SO TASTY!" yells Naruto. "I eat them whenever I find them! They are my favourite mushroom!"

Iruka sighs. "I never thought I would thank that furball for anything," he mutters.

"What do you mean?" asks Naruto, cocking his head to one side.

"Oh, um…" Iuka leans down and whispers in Naruto's ear. "If it weren't for your permanent resident, you would be dead. He is the reason you can eat poison and live."

"Oh."

"Begin!" Hayate calls out.

Iruka turns to watch the match. Tenten of the Leaf VS Temari of the Sand. No last names. That does not really mean much. Most people in the Leaf who don't give their last names are from the Senju clan and don't want to rub their superiority in people's faces.

Iruka is surprised when Tenten pulls out two scrolls and leaps in the air, unwinding the scrolls. Then, when Tenten sends all the weapons stored into her scrolls straight at Temari, Iruka shakes his head in disappointment. She made so many amateurish mistakes with that attack. Iruka is not surprised when Temari easily creates an invisible forcefield and blocks the weapons, which fall harmlessly to the ground.

"Gai, Tenten is your student, right?" Iruka asks the giant green eyesore.

"Why yes, that she is," says Gai proudly.

"She made several crucial errors with that attack," says iruka. "Her fighting style reminds me of traditional Whirlpool weapons masters, but she is sorely lacking in the areas that make weapons attacks like that one effective. What have you been teaching her?"

Gai's expression is the most serious Iruka has ever seen on those giant eyebrows. "Tenten has barely been using that fighting style for a year. She had no idea what she wanted to do or be when she became my student. It took a long time for me to find something she was any good at. Weapons and seals are all she can do, but this fighting style is not one I am familiar with. I help her as much as I can, but ultimately she is teaching herself."

"Interesting," says Iruka, deciding to keep an eye on this kid. The Leaf and Whirlpool often had inter-village marriages. Maybe Tenten is part Whirlpool, and if she is, then she will need proper guidance.

Tenten is beaten now, lying faceup at a painful-looking angle atop Temari's fan.

"The winner is Temari!" says Hayate.

Temari smirks and sends Tenten flying across the arena. A second later, Rock Lee jumps down and catches his teammate. "Nice catch!" sneers Temari.

"How dare you treat an opponent in such a manner?" demands Lee.

"Oh shut up and get yourself and that loser out of my way!" jeers Temari.

"How dare you!" says Lee, angrily, running forward and aiming a kick at Temari. "Leaf Hurricane!"

"Stop, Lee!" Calls Neji Hyuuga.

Temari blocks Lee's kick with her fan and says, "You're just as much of a wimp as your teammate!"

"That is enough, Lee!" says Might Gai, jumping down into the arena to stop the fight by force if necessary.

"Gai sensei…!" protests Lee.

"Temari!" snaps a gravelly voice. Iruka looks over at the speaker and sees a red haired boy with a gourd strapped to his back glaring down at Temari. "Your match is over. Now get back up here and stop playing in the trash."

"What?" growls Lee, glaring up at the redhead.

The redhead looks down on Lee with so much contempt that Iruka wonders if they have some personal beef with each other.

"You kids from the Sand better listen to this word of advice," says Might Gai, placing a hand on Lee's shoulder. "Be careful: this boy is stronger than you think."

* * *

Sparky flies down and lands on Kazama's shoulder. Kazama takes Iruka's message, sighs in worry and gives Sparky a treat for his effort. Kazama turns when she hears the back door open.

Jiraiya, whom they convinced to stay and train Naruto, comes out of the house and sits down beside Kazama. "So what's the verdict?" he asks.

"They are holding a preliminary match," Kazama tells him. "Iruka will bring Naruto home after it is finished and feed him on the way. Probably at Ichiraku's, but I will pretend not to know. Naruto deserves it."

"What's it like, raising Naruto?" asks Jiraiya. "I raised a trio of orphans once, but all I really did was train them. I imagine your role in Naruto's life is a lot different."

Kazama laughs. "My role? Sometimes it seems like Naruto could have raised himself and turned out fine. He doesn't really need me or Arashi. But he is happier with us than he was without us." Kazama sighs and leans back, looking up at the sky. "No, he doesn't really need us at all. He only really needs Iruka."

"That...seems a bit strange," says Jiraiya. "How did that kid manage to look after another kid for a year and a half, all by himself?"

"I am still trying to figure that one out myself," says Kazama, shaking her head. "When we arrived here, and were given charge of those two boys, I thought Naruto would be the one who needed us, but he didn't: Iruka was enough." She laughs softly. "That boy was trained to teach someone just like Naruto. I got jealous of their bond, and took it out on Iruka, and tried to keep Naruto away from him."

"That does not sound like it would have been a good idea," comments Jiraiya.

"It wasn't," says Kazama. "We nearly came to blows over Naruto's welfare and education. And then I realized something very important - something my jealousy stopped me from seeing. Naruto might not have needed myself or Arashi, but Iruka did. He's not like Naruto, who can handle anything and get back up with a smile on his face so long as someone believes in him. If you leave Iruka to his own devices he'll do something stupid. Like make friends with a disturbed man who ends up betraying the village, or having underage sex."

"I'm all for sex," says Jiraiya. "But not underage sex."

Kazama laughs. "Iruka never did tell me who he had underage sex with, just that it was totally consensual, he regrets nothing and he told Arashi everything." Kazama smiles. "At first I wanted to get rid of Iruka as soon as he turned 18, but now I know that if I tried to get rid of him, Naruto would burn the village to the ground in protest."

Jiraiya laughs heartily.

"Iruka's a good kid," adds Kazama, wanting to tell Jiraiya what only members of her family and the Hokage know. "That's why we adopted him."


	73. Dog and Bird

Naruto is disappointed that he is not chosen for the next match. However, he happily tells Iruka-nii about his adventures in the Forest of Death. Iruka-nii is impressed with the fact they took out three other teams with very little effort. Meanwhile, Shikamaru is fighting Kin Tsuchi, the girl from the Sound team that Naruto's team beat up. Naruto is not in the least bit surprised when Shikamaru outsmarts the Sound girl and beats her by making her hit her head against a wall.

He is a little surprised that Shikamaru didn't give up, but that is neither here nor there. Shikamaru beat the girl with the bells on her senbon, and that is all that matters. Naruto thinks that the Sound ninjas are kinda lame.

Naruto slaps Shikamaru on the shoulder and says, "Good work, that chick was annoying."

"You're up next, Naruto," says Mr. Nice Police Chief, putting his hand on Naruto's shoulder and pointing at the screen.

Naruto looks over at the screen and grins. He is up against Kiba. "Well it's about time!" Naruto yells. "I'll make this a good show, alright!" He vaults over the railings and lands in the arena. Then he turns to look at Kiba. "Hurry up, Dog Boy!"

Kiba grumbles something under his breath and saunters down to the arena. "This is gonna be easy," sneers Kiba. "I know you - you're that kid that barely passed, and only because your sensei felt sorry for you."

"Actually," says Naruto. "That scum-bag refused to let me take the Specialist Test, wrote a false report about my abilities, stole the Sacred Scroll of Sealing and deserted the village." Naruto crosses his arms and nods firmly a couple of times. "Then some cool guys in masks got the scroll back and gave it to me to give to the Hokage and I had a read of it and learned a cool jutsu. I'm gonna show it to you. Can we start now, Mr. Hayate?"

"Yes, you may begin," says Mr. Hayate.

"Sweet!" says Naruto. Then he makes his new favourite handsign. "Multiple Shadow Clone Jutsu!" About a hundred Naruto clones appear in the arena.

Kiba stares at Naruto like he is a lunatic. "What good will clones do? They're just illusions!"

"Not these clones, dog-boy!" grins Naruto. "Now, how about you take the puppy off your head and fight me?"

"If you insist on getting your ass kicked, I'll have to do it!" says Kiba, grinning.

"How is a puppy gonna help you do that?" asks Naruto, genuinely curious. "I've never seen a puppy used as a weapon before. Unless, of course, you are planning to make me die from overexposure to cuteness."

For some reason, this makes Kiba angry, and he feeds his puppy a red pill. The puppy turns all red and growly then transforms into a replica of Kiba, who gets all fangs-and-clawsy and down-on-all-foursy. That is actually pretty much the name of his technique.

And Naruto thought he was bad at naming techniques.

One of the Kibas jumps on the other Kiba's back. "Man-beast: Fang Over Fang!" Kiba and his clone turn into giant drills and take out lots of Naruto's shadow clones. Naruto himself has a hard time dodging the attack. Kiba somehow knows which one is the real him.

Then Naruto has an idea. He really needs to write this idea down, but one of the Kibas is aimed straight for him. So Naruto puts up a weak barrier between himself and the Kiba-projectile, pulls out a scroll and a pen and starts scribbling down his idea. The Kiba hits the barrier and is sent flying backwards. With a _poof_ the Kiba turns into the puppy.

The other Kiba, the real Kiba, realizes that his puppy is unconscious and stops being a giant drill. Naruto wonders why Kiba is not dizzy. Naruto would be hella dizzy if he'd just done what Kiba did.

"Naruto! What the hell?" demands Kiba. "We are supposed to be fighting!"

"I had an idea about a thing I'm working on, and I had to write it down!" explains Naruto. "Can we pause the fight while I finish? I may have just uncovered the secret to stopping time."

"Now's not the time for that!" yells Madoka.

"THAT'S WHAT THE SEAL IS FOR!" Naruto yells back.

"Just kick Kiba's ass and THEN write out all your crazy ideas!" yells Madoka.

"Are you ignoring me!?" demands Kiba. "You knocked out Akamaru, and now you are ignoring me?"

Naruto, finished writing down his idea (Grandpa always says if you have an idea or a theory you should write it down right away), pockets his pen and scroll and stands up. "I better finish this. I have a new move I want to try out, anyway. You should always test ideas before using them in a real fight."

"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY!?" Kiba growls, and charges at Naruto.

Naruto makes the shadow clone hand-sign, ready to make some more shadow clones, since Kiba and the puppy killed them all.

Kiba dives behind Naruto, ready to attack him from behind, which Naruto was not expecting at all. "Time to unleash my new justu!" announces Naruto. Right at that moment, Naruto farts.

That was either the worst timed fart or the best timed fart ever, Naruto thinks as Kiba clutches his nose and reels backwards.

"Multi shadow clone jutsu!" announces Naruto, rolling with it. One of his clones punches Kiba upside the jaw, sending him into the air, where two more clones pummel him a bit, before sending him back to the floor. Naruto and one other clone kick Kiba down into the floor. Naruto announces the name of his new technique; "Naruto Uzumaki Barrage!" Kiba is so thoroughly knocked out Naruto almost feels sorry for him. Almost. "That's what you get for calling a princess of my clan lame." Naruto crosses his arms.

"Naruto Uzumaki wins!" announces Hayate, and coughs.

"That's a nasty cough," says Naruto. "You should get that looked at."

"I have one too many battle scars in my lungs, kid," says Hayate. "No one can fix this damage."

Naruto pats Hayate's arm comfortingly and heads up to the balcony so they can start the next match. "Hey guys," Naruto says, nonchalantly (he learned that word from Madoka).

"Naruto, the middle of a fight is not the best time to write down theories on stopping time!" scold Madoka.

"Naruto's been working on it since our fight with Haku," says Sasuke shyly, from behind Shino. "I've been helping."

"DON'T ENCOURAGE HIM SASUKE!"

"Don't stifle Naruto's creativity," says Iruka. "Let me know once you've tested your theory, Naruto."

Naruto notices that Mr. Nice Police Chief looks mildly horrified, Kakashi sensei looks done and mostly everyone else looks like they don't believe him.

"Good fight, Naruto," says Shikamaru. "I expected no less from you."

"I wonder who's next?" says Naruto, turning to the screen, which is scrolling through names. It stop on 'Hinata Hyuga VS Neji Hyuga'.

Naruto's blood freezes. Oh no.

Naruto sees Hinata droop slightly. Her cousin always bullies her. Now he has an arena to do it in, and no one will be able to stop him until he goes too far by their standards. "Hinata!" says Naruto. "Don't let Neji bully you!"

"I'll try," says Hinata, determined. She heads down into the arena to face off against Neji.

"Who would have thought I would face you, _Lady_ Hinata," says Neji calmly, and that is worse than all his jeering and bullying.

"Big brother Neji…!" Hinata is already starting to doubt herself. This is not good.

"Before we begin," says Neji, still very calmly. "There is something I must point out. You have no skill as a shinobi. You are nothing but a troublemaker who overeats and steals from the Police. You should withdraw from this match and stay a genin forever. The very thing that you should be good at is the thing you are worst at. As the heiress of the Hyuuga clan, you should have a powerful byakugan, but your eyes are weak, and you have no control over them."

"But Neji, I…" Hinata tries to speak, but Neji ignores her.

"The bravado you put on for the world is a farce to cover up how insecure you are in yourself and your abilities," Neji goes on.

Naruto realizes he is growling low in his throat like a wild animal.

"Surrender now," finishes Neji. "You cannot win against me. That fact is as clear as the fact I am of the Branch house and you are of the Main house."

"NEJI!" shouts Naruto, angry and seeing red. "SHUT UP! HINATA! DON'T LISTEN TO HIM! HE'S TRYING TO WEAR YOU DOWN BEFORE THE FIGHT EVEN STARTS!"

An instant before everyone turns to stare at Naruto in shock, Mr. Nice Police Chief puts his hand on Naruto's shoulder. Naruto turns to look up at him and sees the glowing, spinning, red sharingan. Naruto instantly feels calmer, and the red haze in front of his eyes vanishes.

"Hinata," says Mr. Nice Police Chief. "If you can break into police headquarters at the tender age of five, you can beat this little s###." He smiles. "You can beat this guy. Just do your best."

"Neji, Hinata," says Hayate, holding up his arm. "Begin!"


	74. The Test of Spirit

Hinata and Neji both activate their byakugan. Hinata knows that Lord Fugaku is right: she can beat Neji. But she also knows Neji will win. Whether he loses or not, he will win.

Neji will win because his words cut deeper than any kunai, and those are the wounds that do the most damage.

Hinata knows that most of the Hyuuga clan does not approve of her friendship with Naruto and the pranks they pull together. Neji probably parroted most of what he told her.

And he most definitely got what he did parrot from their grandfather, which makes if far worse.

Neji and Hinata exchange blows, with Neji blocking off the chakra points in Hinata's arms. As the fight progresses, Hinata finds it more and more difficult to focus her chakra for the gentle fist.

Neji goads Hinata, telling her as they fight that he can tell she is afraid, that he can tell that every word he says hits the mark, and he is right of course. Neji tells Hinata that she should give in to fear and quit now, because he can see that she knows he will win.

There is only more pain in store if she continues to fight him. That is what Neji says.

Hinata can do this. Hinata can beat Neji. That is what Naruto says.

Hinata squares her shoulders and fights back.

And then Neji hits the chakra point beside Hinata's heart.

Blood. So much blood.

And all Hinata can see are Neji's cruel, cruel eyes.

And buried deep behind the cruel facade, she can see he is hiding how much he is hurting. His own hurt is buried beneath the way he cruelly tells Hinata that she is beaten.

But she gets back up. Hinata stands on her feet and looks Neji in the eyes before telling him she will never give up, because that is her ninja way.

Neji shows no mercy and soon Hinata is back on the floor, spitting up blood. Hayate tries to call the match, but Naruto tells him not to.

Madoka tries to tell Naruto that Hinata cannot fight anymore, but Naruto tells him to shut up, Hinata is stronger than this, he insists.

So long as Naruto believes in her, why does what Neji thinks matter? Hinata gets back up.

Neji demands to know why Hinata bothered to get back up. He thinks she will die if she continues to fight. But Hinata must fight. Hinata cannot let Naruto think she is weak.

Hinata tells Neji that the match is not over.

Neji glares at her with those cruel, pain filled eyes and insists that Hinata is nothing, that it is taking all her strength to stand. The match is over, and she should just accept that he is stronger.

But Hinata smiles, because she knows that even though she lost the match, Neji did not win anything. It is Neji who is in the most pain, caught between the main house and branch house. Neji is the one who cannot accept his so called destiny. Neji is suffering far more than Hinata, and she tells him so.

Now Neji is angry and he charges at Hinata, ready to kill her if that is what his blow does.

But then Hayate is standing between them, and Kakashi sensei, Gai sensei and Kurenai sensei are holding Neji back. Gai sensei tells Neji he is an idiot to drag personal hatred into the match, but Neji is still defiant, insisting they are all just favouring the main house.

Pain explodes in Hinata's chest, and she falls to the ground. The last thing she sees before the darkness takes over is Naruto's face.

* * *

"HINATA!" Naruto screams in terror. All his anger is gone, replaced by crippling fear that his best friend will die. Naruto runs to Hinata's side, but her eyes close.

The medics carry Hinata away, and Naruto clenches his fists.

"Hey, blonde kid!" jeers Neji.

Naruto turns slowly to face Neji.

"That's right, I'm talking to you, delinquent!" Neji continues. "Why do you bother with such a weakling? You are obviously much stronger than Hinata - forget about her, she is not worth your time."

Naruto feels an odd, cold rage creep over him. He bends down and sticks his hand in a pool of Hinata's blood. Then he straightens up and says, "Hinata is my best friend, and I will not let you get away with what you have done." He hold out his hand, the one with Hinata's blood dripping off it. "I will fight you," says Naruto calmly, as a brief image of a giant fox cowering in a giant cage flashes across his mind. "And I will BEAT you, Neji Hyuga!" Naruto meets Neji's eye and adds, "So you better be ready to fight me in the finals."

Neji barely reacts, but Naruto makes up his mind right then and there that he will beat Neji no matter what. He needs to show Neji something important. Naruto turns and heads back to the balcony, where Iruka-nii is standing with his arms crossed, glaring at Neji and radiating some scary killing intent. Everyone else looks somewhere between shocked and horrified.

Naruto stands beside Kakashi sensei and grabs onto his ANBU's sleeve. When Iruka sensei is radiating killing intent it is best not to touch him until he calms down. Kakashi sensei pats Naruto's head and whispers, "Kick that kid's ass in the finals."

"Naruto, if you hadn't egged Hinata on like that, she wouldn't have gotten so badly hurt!" snaps Madoka ready to pick a fight with Naruto.

"No!" says Sasuke, surprising everyone. "Hinata still would have got hurt, but at least Neji didn't break her spirit."

Naruto grips Kakashi sensei's sleeve tighter, grateful to Sasuke for standing up for him.

"How do you know that?" demands Madoka. "We won't know that until she wakes up!"

"That is enough," says Mr. Nice Police Chief sternly. "We cannot change what happened, nor should we speculate about what might have been. Let's just watch the next match."

One of the kids from the Hidden Sand, the one who tried to beat up Konohamaru that time, walks over to their balcony and says, "Hey! You guys are all way more cheerful than that lot." He jerks his thumb over at the other balcony.

"Go away," says Naruto. "I don't like bullies."

Sasuke, who seems bolder than normal for some reason, and is still hanging on to Shino, says, "You look like a fat cat with downs' syndrome."

"Sasuke!" scold Mr. Nice Police Chief. "That's not nice!"

"But it's true."

"That doesn't make it nice."

Sasuke blushes and turns back to the arena with a "Hmf."

"What's the deal with that Neji guy?" asks the Sand kid.

"He's a jerk, and I'm going to kick his ass," says Naruto. Then he sees who has been selected for the next match. "Wait..aren't those two Karin's team mates?"

"Sai VS Shin," the screen reads.

Karin's team mates head down into the arena. The two strange boys stand quietly while Hayate announces the match and tells them to begin.

"Why do those two seem familiar?" asks Mr. Nice Police Chief.

"They were both part of Danzo's training program," replies Kakashi sensei. "This should be a good match."

Shin smiles at Sai and says, "This match was inevitable, you know."

"I know," says Sai, drawing his tanto.

Shin also draws a tanto, and then attacks.

Naruto watches the lightning fast sword fight that follows, or at least tries to. Shin and Sai move so fast Naruto can only see them when they lock blades for a second or pause for second before attacking again.

Then Sai backs away from Shin and asks, "How about we up the stakes a bit?"

Shin pauses mid stride and says, "I thought you would never ask."

Sai pulls out a scroll draws on it and says, "Ninja Art: Super Beast Scroll!" Three ink lions leap out of scroll and charge towards Shin, roaring all the way.

Shin jumps backwards, slashing at the lions.

Sai keeps drawing on his scroll. As Shin destroys the last lion, Sai releases a wave of birds. While the birds have Shin distracted, two large ink snakes slither out of the scroll and wrap themselves around Shin.

Shin resists the snakes for all of two seconds before saying, "I yeld!"

"The winner is Sai!" says Hayate.

"But brother," says Sai, releasing his jutsu. "You could have won."

"I am tired from the Forest of Death," says Shin, and breaks out into a burst of coughing. "Besides, I think I caught a cold in there."

"You should get that cough looked at," says Hayate, coughing himself. "That sounded nasty."

"I will if it persists," says Shin.

"Get it looked at now," says Hayate. "There's a virus going around - I should know, I've got it."

"Good grief, Hayate," calls Anko. "What HAVEN'T you got?"

"GOOD HEALTH! _Cough, cough, cough._ "

"Alright, I'll see a doctor," agrees Shin. "But it's just a cold."

"It might be the flu," says Sai helpfully. "Or a deadly lung disease which can't be cured after a certain amount of time, or-"

"'Thank you Sai," says Shin, sighing.

"You're welcome," says Sai, smiling.

"Wait, are they brothers?" asks Kankuro, staring in surprise.

"Yes, dummy," says Naruto. "Shisui told me that Shin and Sai grew up together and trained together, so they're brothers."

"Who's Shisui?" asks Kankuro.

"He is," says Naruto, pointing to Shisui, who is still lying on the balcony floor, fast asleep. "Right now he looks like a homeless man, but he is none other than Shisui of the Shunshin, currently the most feared shinobi in the Hidden Leaf."

"But I like lollies!" Shisui mumbles in his sleep. "Why won't you let me have any!"

Naruto giggles. "Last time we let Shisui eat sugar he got hypo and pretended to be the Yellow Flash."

"Is that guy really the Shisui we are told to run from?" asks Kankuro.

"Yep!"

"YES! MY MATCH IS NEXT!" Lee shouts, doing a little dance of joy.

Naruto turns to the screen and reads, "Rock Lee VS Gaara of the Desert."


	75. Blood and Guts

"Get down here," says Gaara, who is, of course, already in the arena.

Kankuro nearly starts biting his nails. Whoever the crazy green kid with the huge eyebrows is, he is as good as dead.

After the green kid's sensei gives him some much needed but ultimately futile advice, the Leaf genin heads down into the arena to fight Gaara.

"Begin!" commands Hayate, giving Gaara and Lee the signal to begin.

Kankuro watches the fight, which basically consists of Lee trying to attack Gaara and Gaara's sand shield protecting Gaara, wondering how long it will drag out.

"Taijutsu obviously isn't working," says Madoka. "Why doesn't Lee use ninjutsu or genjutsu?"

Kankuro is wondering that himself. "Those things won't work on Gaara either," Kankuro says. "But why isn't Lee using any ninjutsu?"

"That is simple," says Lee's sensei. "He can't."

"He can't?" says Naruto. "You mean when he fought Sasuke that time - you know, when she copied his moves - he was literally just pulling some basic moves?"

"That is right," says Gai. "But I am surprised that Sasuke managed to learn the Dancing Leaf Shadow after only seeing it once, but then to add her own attack to the end is even more amazing. But then you, Naruto, simply copied Sasuke's finishing move. Kakashi, what were you thinking, teaching your students to copy other shinobi the way you do?"

"In my defence," says Kakashi. "I did not teach them that, they...er...copied me."

Sasuke's scary ass father laughs and says, "Oh the irony."

Naruto pats his jounin sensei's arm. Kankuro wonders if Naruto is insane. Baki never lets his students touch him unless they are trying to fight him in a sparring match. "It's okay, Kakashi sensei," says Naruto. "It just means you're doing your job right, even if you don't get paid enough."

To Kankuro's surprise, Kakashi does not get angry at Naruto for being so familiar with him. Kakashi simply sighs and says, "You and I both know I don't get paid to train you."

Naruto thinks about this and says, "I'll get Grandma to help me make you cookies."

Kakashi smiles at Naruto and says, "You're too nice."

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" asks Naruto, cocking his head to one side.

"Neither," says Sasuke's Father. "It is your most powerful weapon."

"I'll make you cookies Kakashi sensei," says Naruto. "And then I'll bring them to your house so I can meet your new baby!"

"That's a great idea!" says Kakashi, pulling out a photo of a brown haired woman, a white haired girl and a baby. "This is my baby. Isn't he the cutest?"

Kankuro rolls his eyes and goes back to watching the fight. These Leaf ninjas get distracted by the oddest things. Kankuro's father certainly never shows people photos of Kankuro, Gaara and Temari to people.

While Naruto and Kakashi are gushing over the photo of Kakashi's family, Lee and Gaara are still fighting - if you can even call what is going on in the ring a fight.

Then Rock Lee jumps on top of the carved hands at the front of the hall and takes off his leg weights. Like that will make any difference….

"WHAT?!" Kankuro cannot stop the startled exclamation from leaving his mouth. "How much was he wearing?"

"More than most kids his age could handle, I'll bet," says Sasuke's Father, who doesn't actually seem all that scary now.

What scares Kankuro right now are the massive craters and dust clouds Rock Lee's leg weights caused when they hit the ground.

"I can move freely now!" rejoices Rock Lee. One second he his stretching atop the stone hands, the next he is kicking at Gaara's head. Kankuro cannot tear his eyes away from the fight. Gaara is truly hard pressed to keep his sand ahead of Lee's attacks.

Then Lee breaks through Gaara's defenses.

It all seems to happen so fast after that: Gaara goes on the offensive, Lee cracks Gaara's armour and uses some sort of flying attack called the Hidden Lotus to slam Gaara into the ground. Gaara survives, of course, by switching himself out for sand.

"That kid has some talent," says Fugaku. "He reminds me of you when you were younger, Gai."

"He reminds me of me when I was younger too," says Lee's sensei, whose name is Gai, apparently. Gai then goes on to tell them all how Lee was a no hoper with nothing going for him but some lousy taijutsu. Gai tells them all Lee worked on his taijutsu until his effort caused him to exceed any kind of natural ability. Lee wants to be as good a ninja as anyone else, even if he does not have ninjutsu or genjutsu, Gai tells them. He pauses in his narration to give Lee permission to use 'That Jutsu', before telling the story of how Lee trained and trained and never gave up.

Kankuro feels like this should be a sad, inspiring, heartfelt tale, but he is honestly too worried about Gaara's mental state to pay much attention to Rock Lee's life story.

Then a strange energy fills the hall, and Lee turns red and his hair stands on end. Kankuro turns to Gai and asks, "What is that technique?"

Gai launches into an explanation about the Eight Inner Gates and how he can unlock them to gain a massive power up, and how Lee can also unlock the first few gates.

Kankuro is practically wetting himself with fear by the time Gai is finished explaining. Because, by the time the explanation is finished, Rock Lee has broken Gaara's sand armour and Gaara's shaky mental stability. "No, no no!" Kankuro clutches the balcony railings tightly. He never likes seeing his little brother lose it.

"Are you worried about your teammate?" asks Naruto.

"Of course!" snaps Kankuro. "He's my baby brother."

"Aw, I kinda feel sad that you have to watch him get his ass kicked by Lee," says Naruto. "But I kinda wanna know Gaara's story now."

"Ask Gaara, not me!" says Kankuro, who is actually chewing his nails now. "And I'm not worried about him losing! I'm worried he will kill Lee."

"And why is that?" asks Fugaku.

 _Shukaku_ , thinks Kankuro. "He is mentally unstable," says Kankuro. On one hand, his knuckles are white from holding onto the railing. On the other hand, his fingers are bleeding from how violent his nail-biting has gotten.

Another Hidden Lotus and a collapsed but trying to rise Lee later, and Gaara is lying in a pool of sand, with a look in his eyes that means death. Gaara raises his hand. The sand wraps around Lee's arm and leg.

"Sand Coffin!" says Gaara, crushing Lee's arm and leg.

Lee screams in pain, and Gaara retracts his sand for a second. Then he goes on the attack again, only to have all the sand brushed aside as if it were nothing. Lee's sensei is standing between Gaara and Lee. When did Gai move?

"Why did you protect him?" demands Gaara, in a voice that breaks something inside Kankuro. "He failed! So WHY…?!"

"Because he is my student," says Gai. "And Lee is precious to me."

Kankuro wonders what is going on in Gaara's mind to make him look so distraught.

"I quit," says Gaara, and Kankuro thinks Gaara means quit trying to make sense of love, not the match.

Gaara turns to walk away, but then Lee stands up.

"Lee," says Gai, turning to his student. "That's enough, the match is over." Then Gai stops talking and starts crying. "Lee! What have I done?" Gai laments. "Even unconscious and broken, you are still trying to fight. _What have I done?_ " Gai hugs Lee, and Kankuro realizes he cannot remember the last time his father hugged him.

Kankuro can see that Gaara has realized that this Leaf ninja who is essentially a failure, and now a cripple - if he even lives - is loved by his sensei far more than Gaara and Kankuro's father ever loved any of his children.

Medics come and take Rock Lee away, and Gaara is announced the winner, but Kankuro can only stare at Gai, that strange, strange man. Naruto runs down to see Lee and exchanges a strange look with Gaara, but Kankuro is staring at Gai and thinking about love.

The next match is announced and the contestants go down to the arena to fight, but Kankuro is staring across the ring at his siblings. They seem so sad and lonely, just like he always feels.

The boy from the sound, Dosu, or whatever his name is, is fighting the boy from the Leaf, Choji, or something. But Kankuro is thinking hard. Bully. That is what Naruto called him. They are all bullies, his whole family - all except...No. Kankuro does not want to think about _him_. Not now. Not after…

Gaara has that stunned look on his face. The same look he gets whenever Kankuro or Temari smiles at him. But why would Gaara be so stunned by what happened at the end of the match? Why is Kankuro so confused about it? All Kankuro wants is a hug.

That's probably all Gaara wants too.

But now Dosu has won and the winners are being called down to the arena. Kankuro feels angry at the whole world. He stands quietly, brooding, while Hayate explains the next round. Kankuro can practically feel the confusion and anger and hurt emanating from Gaara. And some confusion from Temari, who keeps glancing from one brother to the other, wondering what is wrong with them. Kankuro quietly takes his number. He will fight the bug boy. Temari will fight the lazy boy. Gaara will fight the Uchiha girl.

Neji will fight Naruto. Madoka will fight Sai. Dosu will fight Kabuto.

Kankuro just wants this all to be over. Including the invasion.


	76. Underwhelming, Overwhelming

Naruto downs about 15 bowls of Ichiraku ramen, all the while talking at breakneck speed, telling Ichiraku and Iruka about the chunin exams. Finally, after Iruka has eaten his five bowls of ramen and Naruto has eaten his 15, Naruto sits back, pats his aggressively distended tummy and sighs happily. "That was some good ramen, Mr. Teuchi," says Naruto.

Iruka pays for the ramen, and heads home with Naruto. He has not told Naruto about Jiraiya yet. He wants it to be a surprise.

Naruto bounces along beside Iruka the whole way home, chattering all the while about whatever pops into his head. Iruka wonders if Naruto is due for his regular ADHD/ADD check. Apparently he doesn't have it, but the specialists said it is worth keeping an eye on him just in case it develops.

No sooner has Iruka opened the front gate than Naruto shoots to the front door, throws it open and rockets inside yelling, "I PASSED! I'M GONNA BE IN THE EXAM FINALS!"

Iruka follows, closing the front door behind him. Naruto managed to knock down both Kazama and Arashi in one hit, and has them both trapped in a crushing embrace. Jiraiya is staring at Naruto, an expression of horror on his face.

"I PASSED! IPASSEDIPASSEDIPASSED!"

"Naruto, please use your inside shout," says Kazama.

"OKAY!" says Naruto, in his inside shout. He releases Kazama and Arashi from his vice-like hug and stands up. Arashi and Kazama get up off the floor like this sort of thing is normal, which it is.

Then Naruto sees Jiraiya.

"Hey kid," says Jiraiya.

"Who are you?" demands Naruto.

"I'm glad you asked!" says Jiraiya, grinning, and striking a pose. "I am the Legendary Toad Sage of Mount Myoboku!" Jiraiya flips his wild mane of hair. "Lord JIRAIYA!"

Naruto adopts an expression that says 'what is wrong with your brain?' and crosses his arms. "You're my godfather? I thought you'd be tougher."

"HEY!" growls Jiraiya, crossing his arms angrily. "I am a legendary hero!"

"Don't you mean a legendary LAME-O!" counters Naruto, glaring at Jiraiya.

"I trained under Lord Third Hokage!"

"And I can one shot Old Gramps Hokage!"

"OH YEAH? I DON'T BELIEVE YOU!"

Iruka is desperately trying to control his urge to roll around on the floor laughing. These two are so similar!

"REALLY? WELL HOW ABOUT I SHOW YOU THE JUTSU I USE TO SOLO GRAMPS THIRD!"

"SHOW ME THEN, BRAT!"

"SEXY JUTSU!" Naruto transforms into a beautiful naked young woman.

"NARUTO!" scolds Kazama, as Iruka and Arashi turn around and try not to nose bleed. "I did NOT raise you to act like that!"

"KID YOU ARE A GENIOUS!" Shouts Jiraiya, gleefully, inspecting the jutsu from every angle. "She's is perfect! Exactly my type! How did you do it? Where did she come from?" Jiraiya continues his examination, getting more excited by the second.

"Stop looking at me like that," says the young woman shyly. "You're making me nervous!"

"NARUTO!" Kazama has that look on her face that means pain and suffering.

Naruto released the jutsu straight away. "You're just a pervert!" he accuses Jiraiya, pointing up at the legendary sannin.

"KID! I AM NOT JUST A PERVERT!" yells Jiraiya.

"WHAT ARE YOU THEN?"

"A SUPER PERVERT!"

"THAT'S NOT SOMETHING TO BE PROUD OF!" Kazama yells and grabs both Jiraiya and Naruto by their collars and gives them both a good shake.

* * *

After dinner Sasuke goes to her room to rest and faceplants onto her bed. She is going to need to throw these clothes out. Good thing she has a ton of spare outfits. The kitten jumps up and sits on her back. Great. Just great.

There is a knock on her bedroom door, and her Dad's voice says, "Sasuke? Can I come in?"

"Sure," says Sasuke. It's not often her Dad comes to her room.

Sasuke's dad enters quietly and goes over to her bed. Sasuke turns her head slightly to look at him but doesn't move. "May I?" he asks, gesturing to an empty space on the bed.

"Whatever," mumbles Sasuke. The kitten starts purring for some weird reason.

"Sasuke, I need to talk to you about why I am not making you withdraw from the chunin exams," says her Dad. "Please listen carefully, because I will only say this once, as it is S rank secret information. At the moment, only the T and I department, myself, the Hokage, the ANBU and the KPC know. Well, Eizo knows as well, but he's just a baby so it doesn't count."

"Just tell me," mutters Sasuke, wanting her Dad to leave. If he leaves now they won't have an argument.

Her father sighs and says in a low voice, "The village is going to be invaded during the final round of the Chunin Exams. A rogue ninja from the Hidden Leaf, Orochimaru, is planning this invasion. The clan members who deserted the Leaf went to Orochimaru, and now he possesses the sharingan. He is going to use it to destroy the village. I believe that Orochimaru will be present at the Finals, posing as one of the village leaders or officials in order to get close to the Hokage and assassinate him. I am in charge of the counter attack plan, but for it to work I need an excuse for every off-duty member of the KPC to be at the stadium."

"That's why you need me there, right?" guesses Sasuke. "So no one will question why half the Uchiha clan showed up to the Chunin Exam Finals."

"Exactly," says Sasuke's Dad. "I did not find out about the invasion until after the Second Round of the Exams began. But I made my plan…"

Sasuke sits up, disturbing the kitten, who yelps as he falls onto the bed. "You hinged your entire plan on me making it to the finals?!"

"I believed you would get there, and you did."

"I-" Sasuke stops herself from saying she has the sharingan. "What if I failed?"

Her father looks her straight in the eye. "I would have found a way."

"So then you didn't need me to pass at all?" Sasuke glares at her father.

"No, you are wrong: I do need you to be in the finals," says Sasuke's Dad, smiling for some reason. "I could make the plan work, but Orochimaru is a formidable enemy, and we cannot let him know anything is amiss. For half the Uchiha clan to show up and support the clan head's daughter is lot more believable than any other excuse we could possibly come up with, or any other variation in the plan. Do you understand Sasuke? I made my plan because I believe in you. I have no idea what I would have done if you hadn't made it to the finals."

Sasuke stares at her Dad. He gambled the safety of the entire village on the off chance that she would make it to the finals?

The cat climbs onto Sasuke's Dad's lap, starts licking its butt and purring. "Oi!" Says Sasuke's Dad, trying to shoo the cat off. "Get off me, Peanut!"

"His name is not Peanut!" protests Sasuke.

"Oh? Then what is it?"

"Um...I haven't named him yet."

"Well until you do, I'm going to call him Peanut."

* * *

"So you're going to train me for the chunin exams?" says Naruto, crossing his arms. He is unhappy about the situation. "I wanted Iruka-nii to train me."

"Oh really? So I'm not good enough for you, is that it?" demands Jiraiya, crossing his arms and glaring down at Naruto.

Naruto glares right back.

"Naruto," says Iruka-nii, interrupting the argument. "I cannot train you for the Chunin Exams, I have to teach my class. Besides, Jiraiya taught your father, and he became Hokage."

Naruto frowns. If Jiraiya taught his father, then maybe Jiraiya would be able to tell Naruto about the Fourth Hokage. Then maybe Naruto can figure out why the Fourth would seal a giant demon into his newborn son. "Fine," agrees Naruto. "But from now on, I am going to call you Pervy Sage."

"WHAAAT!" Jiraiya reels backwards in horror. "YOU CAN'T CALL ME THAT!"

"I can and I will, _Pervy Sage_!" says Naruto.

"This is why I don't like kids," mutters Pervy Sage, crouching down and hiding his face, a black cloud floating above his head.

Iruka-nii laughs and ruffles Naruto's hair, before going off to mark his student's homework or something.

Naruto remembers his promise to Kakashi sensei. "Hey, Grandma!" He runs off to find his Grandma, who is helping Grandpa clean up his study. Naruto picks up a book from a table and has a look at it. It looks boring, so he drops it on the floor. "Grandma, can you help me make some cookies? I promised Kakashi sensei I would make him some and take them to his house." By the time he has finished the sentence, he has moved a can of pens to a different shelf (they look better there), knocked two books onto the floor, scattered a stack of papers and kicked some scrolls (they are still on the floor from last time he went in Grandpa's study) under a shelf.

"Alright," agrees Naruto's Grandma, taking his hand and steering him out of the study. "Let's make your sensei some cookies. We can take them to him tomorrow. It will be best if you rest tomorrow, so you can start your training with maximum energy."

"Alright!" agrees Naruto. "LET'S MAKE SOME COOKIES!"


	77. Kakashi Sensei's Wife

Naruto walks along beside Kazama, a look of extreme concentration on his face. He insisted on carrying the box of cookies to his jounin sensei's house himself. Personally, Kazama has not had much interaction with Naruto's sensei, but Naruto seems to think the world of the man.

Wondering if she can discern the reason for Naruto's high regard of Kakashi Hatake, Kazama asks, "So what kind of teacher is Kakashi sensei?"

"He turns up late to every team meeting," says Naruto cheerfully. "And he leaves halfway through training to hide in a tree and read the porn Pervy Sage writes, and pretends not to notice when Sasuke steals it. He doesn't care if we break our family's rules - I mean, he lets Sasuke flaunt her grounding sentence all the time saying 'You ain't MY kid', and he's super annoying, and has a stupid smile, and it's actually kind of creepy, and you DO NOT want to know about the Thousand Years of Death technique he likes to use when we spar with him-"

"So why do you like him so much?" interrupts Kazama. "He sounds like a terrible teacher."

"He's not," says Naruto. "It's weird, but I learned way more from Kakashi sensei since I graduated than I did the whole time I was at the Academy." Naruto turns and grins at Kazama. "He's a great teacher - just not a great role model. But he was my ANBU, and my Dad was his jounin sensei, so he's cool. Even though he is lame as and stupid."

Kazama knows about Naruto's ANBU, of course, but it seems a little far-fetched that Kakashi would be in ANBU. He seems the exact opposite of every ANBU Kazama has encountered. Then Kazama realizes the other thing that Naruto just told her. "He was...Minato's student?"

"YEP!" says Naruto, stepping around a puddle. Normally he would jump in puddles, but not today, apparently.

Kazama just stands and stares at Naruto, until he stops and turns around.

"What?" is all Kazama can say.

"Why don't you just ask Kakashi sensei about it," suggests Naruto impatiently. "Come ON, Grandma. Hurry up, 'ttebayo!"

Kazama shakes herself out of her shock and catches up to Naruto. The pair continues on to Kakashi Hatake's house, where Kazama hopes to unravel a little of the mystery that is Kakashi Hatake.

Finally, they arrive at Kakashi's house. It is a smallish looking house, outside the main village, surrounded almost completely by trees. It seems Kakashi Hatake likes his privacy.

To Kazama's surprise, a young woman, who can't be more than 25, is sitting on the grass in front of the house with a baby in her lap. Little Aki is rolling around in the grass nearby, with several dogs in ninja headbands for company. The young woman has her long brown hair tied in low pigtails and is wearing a pink floral-print dress.

Naruto waves cheerfully, taking one hand off his precious cargo for a few seconds, and yells, "HI! I'M NARUTO, DATTEBAYO!"

The young woman looks up, and frowns suspiciously at Naruto. "What are you here for?" she demands.

There is something cold about her that makes Kazama uncomfortable.

"I made Kakashi sensei cookies!" announces Naruto.

Aki jumps up from the pile of dogs and yells, "HI NARUTO! HI OLD LADY WHO I THINK IS NARUTO'S GRANDMA!"

"HI AKI!" returns Naruto, just as loudly, patting the toddler on the head as she hugs his legs.

"Good morning," says Kazama, turning to the young woman. "I am Kazama Namikaze. This is my grandson Naruto Uzumaki."

The young woman examines Kazama so intently that Kazama feels unsafe. "I am Tenzou Hatake. Kakashi sempai is not here."

"Aw, that's so cute!" says Naruto, crouching down beside Tenzo. "You call Kakashi sensei 'sempai'!" He pokes the baby's cheek. "What's the baby's name?"

"His name is Minoru," says Tenzo evenly.

"Hello, Minoru," says Naruto, poking the baby's cheek again.

Tenzo frowns at Naruto. "Are you quite finished poking my baby?"

"Yeah, I guess," says Naruto, shrugging. He pats Minoru's head.

"Look, kid," says Tenzo, her face darkening and her eyes turning very scary. "I don't know you, so get away from my baby."

Naruto yelps and backs away.

Kazama remembers someone - possibly a member of Naruto's team - mentioning that Kakashi's wife was once in ANBU. "Naruto," says Kazama softly. "I think we had best keep our distance until Kakashi gets here, alright?"

"Woah, woah!" one of the dogs says, as the pack trots over. "Tenzou, calm down. This is the kid Kakashi used to guard, remember? He's not a threat." The dog turns to Kazama and Naruto and whispers. "She has a bit of PTSD."

Kazama sighs internally. Of course this placid looking woman has PTSD. However, to Kazama's surprise, Tenzou relaxes. Then she smiles at Naruto and Kazama and says, "Kakashi should be back soon. You may wait here until he arrives."

Kazama does not like this girl's tone, but she decides to ignore it. "So how old is your baby?" she asks, sensing that the way to this woman's heart is through the people she cares about. And Kazama does not want to make an enemy of this young lady.

"He is 17 weeks old," says Tenzou. "And if you think I am going to start gushing about him like Kakashi does, you are sorely mistaken."

Kazama wonders what is going on this kid's head to make her so uptight.

* * *

"But Fugaku," protests Kakashi, trying not to whine. "I want to teach Sasuke a jutsu that will penetrate Gaara's sand. I know lots of jutsu, and I know the one I want to teach Sasuke will do the trick, but I want it to be a surprise for everyone!"

"In case she can't master it, am I right?" counters Fugaku, crossing his arms.

"No! I know she can," says Kakashi. "But Sasuke wants to impresses everyone. And that includes you and Mikoto-sama and Itachi. If you give me a list of all the things Sasuke is not allowed to do while grounded, I can make sure she does not do them, but please let me train Sasuke privately!"

Fugaku sighs, relenting at last. "Fine, I'll let you train Sasuke. But she must be home by five in the afternoon every day no matter what. I will write out a full list of the rules she must follow while grounded, and if you break any of them, or let her break any of them, there will be hell to pay, understand?"

"Yes sir!" says Kakashi, bowing.

* * *

Tenzou's 'strange people can't be trusted' senses are going haywire. One baby is on her lap, but her other baby is cuddling up to the strange people. (Tenzou remembers that time she had to stake out Naruto of course - it is how she got together with Kakashi sempai - but she doesn't know him, therefore she does not trust the blonde boy.) Tenzou is having trouble curbing her desire to fight or flee. She does not often go out in public because she panics too easily. (At least that's what sempai says. He also says he is going to bring his genins around so she can start getting used to some new people.)

"So you live quite a way away from everyone," comments the strange lady, Kazama.

"It's safer," Tenzou replies. (But she doesn't mean safer for her, she means safer for everyone else.)

"Surely you can't be safe out here alone with two young children," protests Kazama, surprised, and slightly horrified.

"That's why we're here," says Pakkun, who is sitting between Tenzou and Kazama with the rest of Kakashi's summons. "To keep these three safe while the boss isn't here."

"The Boss?" asks Kazama. "Do you mean Kakashi san?"

"Yep! We are his summons."

The summons are there to calm her down if she freaks out. That happens sometimes. (Kakashi says it's a side effect of the stress of being a human experiment, followed by a member of Root, then an ANBU captain and possibly a bit of Postnatal Depression - and all without any time spent doing normal things.) (Pakkun says it's a bad case of PTSD.) (Those things are probably all the same, anyway.) (But it can't be Postnatal Depression if holding her babies calms her down, can it?)

"So where did Kakashi sensei go, anyway?" asks Naruto, breaking Tenzou out of her thoughts.

"He went to…" Tenzou actually can't remember. (Actually, come to think of it, Kakashi didn't actually say.)

"Did he leave without saying where he was going?" asks Naruto, as if that is perfectly normal and slightly annoying.

"Yes," admits Tenzou. "But he usually does say…" (That's because she would freak out it he didn't. In fact, Tenzou is feeling more uncomfortable as the seconds pass now. Where is Kakashi?)

"Yo!" Kakashi appears, striding towards them through the trees. A little girl with blue hair is following along behind him. "I hope you're all getting along, eh?"

"DADDY! DADDY!" yells Aki, running up to Kakashi and latching on to his legs. "NARUTO BROUGHT COOKIES!"

Naruto stands up and gives Kakashi the box he has been cradling since he arrived. "Here's the cookies! Grandma helped me make them, 'tebayo."

"Aw, thank you, Naruto," said Kakashi. "Now I feel bad about not training you."

"It's alright, Kakashi sensei," says Naruto, grinning. "My Godfather finally showed up, and he's gonna train me!" Then he frowns. "He's a stupid old pervert, though."

"So are you training Sasuke, then?" asks Kazama, crisply.

"Yes," says Kakashi. "We have the same chakra type, so I thought it would be best if I train her."

"But not here, right?" asks Tenzou. (Please not here, not here! She can't handle a strange kid around all the time.)

"No, but close by," says Kakashi, smiling.

"You're not going to let her rest for a day before beginning her training?" demands Kazama.

"Oh, yes," says Kakashi. "But I thought that it would be better if Sasuke met Tenzou before we begin training in earnest to avoid any unpleasant misunderstandings."

Tenzou knows Kakashi is worried that she might have tried to kill the girl if she wasn't introduced first. Tenzou smells that Minoru needs changing. "I'm going inside," she says, and takes the baby inside.

Tenzou pretends not to notice, but there is a patch of flowers in the grass where she and Minoru were sitting. (It's probably a side effect of her woodstyle.)


	78. We are Training, Right?

Madoka reports to Training Ground Seven to meet the person who will be training him for the chunin exam finals. He has no idea what to expect. When Madoka reaches the training posts, he finds a teenage girl with long black hair sitting on top of one of the training posts. The girl's hair is tied back in a low pony-tail, with short bangs hanging down on either side of her face. She is dressed in dark blue pants and a shirt of the same colour, with a mesh shirt visible at the collar. On the girl's feet are knee-high black ninja sandals and in her hands are several sticks of dango. Madoka stares at the girl in fascination. Whoever this girl is, she is munching the dango with her eyes closed, and humming in pleasure as she does so.

"Um...excuse me?" says Madoka.

The girl jumps and pulls out a kunai. "Oh, it's just you," she says, upon seeing Madoka. "You are Madoka Haruno of Team Seven, are you not?"

"Yes, I am," says Madoka. "Are you the person who will be training me for the chunin exam finals?"

"Yes I am," says the girl. "But I'm grounded at the moment, so we will need to train in my family's private training grounds."

"Why are you grounded?" asks Madoka. He is curious now - this girl does not seem like the rebellious type.

The girls half falls, half jumps off the stump and throws up in the grass. Madoka runs to her side, his inner medic coming out. "Are you alright?" he asks, concerned. "Are you sure you are up to training me?"

"It's alright," says the girl, apparently finished throwing up. "I'm pregnant, not sick. That's why I'm grounded. We forgot the condom." she shrugs. "But hey, at least I don't have the chief of police chasing me all over the village like Shisui does, nope - I'm just grounded."

Madoka's brain starts working overtime. "You're pregnant...is Shisui the dad?"

"Yes."

"Then you're...Sasuke's sister?"

The girl starts laughing.

"What's so funny?" demands Madoka, indignantly.

"It's just that usually people refer to Sasuke as 'Itachi's sister'," explains the girl. "This is the first time I've been referred to as 'Sasuke's sister'."

"Oh. So is your name Itachi, then?"

"Yes, and I will be teaching you the art of genjutsu," says Itachi, standing up and brushing herself off. "In between succumbing to the symptoms of my underage pregnancy, that is." She throws up some more.

Madoka sighs. This is going to be a long month.

* * *

Sasuke waits on top of the mountain for Kakashi sensei to finish climbing up the cliff face below her. When Kakashi sensei finally reaches the top, Sasuke glares pointedly at him.

"I'm a little out of shape," comments Kakashi sensei. "That took me five minutes longer than usual."

Sasuke's glare intensifies.

Kakashi sensei finally takes the hint. "Alright, now that I'm nice and warmed up, I had better get on with teaching you."

Sasuke's glare reduces to a frown.

"The jutsu I want to teach you is one of my own invention," explains Kakashi sensei. "In fact, it the only jutsu I know that is of my own invention. I can only use it with the aid of the sharingan, however, which is why I did not tell anyone what, exactly it is I am teaching you. Let me show you."

Sasuke's frown vanishes, and is replaced by awe as Kakashi sensei demonstrates the jutsu.

"This is called 'chidori'," he tells Sasuke as a singing ball of lightning encases his hand. The whining noise is strangely pleasant to hear. "I did not name it chidori - someone else pointed out that it sounds like 1,000 birds chirping and now it's called Chidori. I prefer its other name: Lightning Blade."

Sasuke grins. She wants to learn this jutsu.

Kakashi sensei turns and slams the jutsu into a nearby rock, breaking it apart. "Chidori will be just as effective against Gaara as it was against that rock. But to use it effectively, you need speed equal to Rock Lee's. Are you ready for the hardest training of your life so far?"

Sasuke grins and nods.

* * *

"So Naruto, you're probably wondering why we are training by a river-" begins Pervy Sage, but Naruto interrupts.

"Not really," Naruto says. "I usually train by a river. Water is relaxing."

"Will you shut up and listen!" snaps Pervy Sage. "I have a legitimate reason for training at a river!"

"What is it?" asks Naruto, only mildly curious. "The first time I trained at a river, Iruka-nii drained it to show me how seals work."

"Oh yeah?" says Pervy Sage, crossing his arms in annoyance. "Well I'm not gonna drain the river: I'm going to teach you how to walk on water!"

"What, really?" Now Naruto is interested. "You can walk on water?"

Pervy Sage seems pleased he has Naruto's attention. "It's a chunin level chakra control exercise," he explains. "It's also a very useful thing to know."

"Alright," nods Naruto. "Show me how to do it."

Pervy Sage gets up slowly and carefully, probably trying to add tension or something. "Very well," he says gravely. "I will show you."

Naruto watches in anticipation. The adding tension thing is totally working.

Pervy Sage make the 'molding chakra' hand sign and says, "First, you gather your chakra into your feet, much like you do in the tree climbing exercise."

"Ah-ha," Naruto nods, eagerly. He understands so far.

"But unlike with trees, the surface of water is always changing and moving," continues Pervy Sage. "In order to stay on top of the water, you must constantly adjust the amount of chakra flowing into your feet to balance the water's movement. Like this see?" Pervy Sage walks out onto the surface of the river.

Naruto screws up his face in confusion. Pervy Sage lost him at 'unlike trees'.

Pervy Sage walks back to the shore and says, "Now it's your turn." Then Pervy Sage sits down on the river bank and watches Naruto expectantly.

Naruto gets up and walks over to the river. Ignoring the second half of Pervy Sage's instructions, Naruto focuses on the first half - the half he actually understands. Naruto channels his chakra into his feet and walk out onto the surface of the river.

Only to fall in with a splash.

Naruto climbs out of the river, looking like Grandma's cat after that forced flea bath she gave it that one time. "How come I fell in?" demands Naruto. "I did what you said."

"You need to adjust your chakra because the water is moving," says Pervy Sage. "I told you that!"

"Yeah, well you explained it all funny!" accuses Naruto. "And now I'm all wet!" Naruto takes off his orange jacket and orange pants angrily. He doesn't care if Pervy Sage makes fun of his froggy boxer shorts. Or his T-shirt, which Naruto actually got from Pervy Sage two years ago, but it didn't fit him until recently, because of his stunted growth.

Still dripping wet, Naruto tires again, this time trying to adjust his chakra. Once again, he falls into the river.

Pervy Sage starts laughing. "Your chakra control is awful!"

Naruto sloshes out of the water and marches up to Pervy Sage. Then he takes off his soaking wet t-shirt and dumps it on Pervy Sage's head. "Instead of laughing at me, why don't you help me!"

Pervy Sage pulls the t-shirt off his head and throws it back at Naruto. "OI!" He yells. "What was that for?!"

"You're the worst godfather EVER!" Naruto accuses and throws the wet t-shirt back in Pervy Sage's face.

Pervy Sage flails around, trying to get the clingy, wet fabric off his face. "How can I be the worst? I supply all your school stuff and a lot of your clothes! Heck, I had this t shirt custom made for you!"

"Yeah? Well it was too big for me until recently!"

"That's not the point! I created a clothing line just for you!"

"And yet you can't even explain how to walk on water properly!"

"I did explain properly! You're just too stupid to understand!"

"I AM NOT STUPID!"

"PROVE IT! WALK ON THE DAMN WATER!"

Thoroughly angry, Naruto channels his chakra to his feet and walks out onto the water. Because he is so angry, he cannot hold his chakra steady, and he wobbles as he tries to stand on top of the water. His chakra is unsteady, the water is unsteady, he is unsteady…

It all clicks into place.

Naruto grins and walks on the water. Then he jumps up and down on the water. Then he starts running around on the water. "I can do it! It makes sense now!"

"Nice," says Pervy Sage. "So am I still the worst?"

Naruto glares at him. "YES!"


	79. My Duty?

"Naruto, come here, it's time to learn something really cool!" says Pervy Sage, grinning.

Naruto looks up from his celebration of the fact he can now walk on water. "Cooler than walking on water?" he asks, suspiciously.

"This is definitely cooler," Pervy Sage assures him. "But first you have to sign this scroll in blood." Pervy Sage pulls out a giant scroll and opens it up, spreading it on the ground in front of Naruto.

Naruto sees some other names already written on the scroll in blood. "Oh look," he points to the newest name. "That's my Dad's name!" Naruto does as Jiraiya told him to and bites his thumb, producing some blood and signs the scroll like the others did: His name, followed by the bloody fingerprints of his right hand.

"WOAH!" shouts Jiraiya, sounding alarmed. "Aren't you even gonna ask what the scroll is for first?"

"Nah," shrugs Naruto. "If you're okay with me signing it, it must be safe." Naruto is confident that, pervert though he be, Jiraiya would not have him sign anything in blood that will kill him. He probably would have signed it anyway, but that doesn't matter. "So what does it do anyway?"

"It's a summoning contract," says Pervy Sage. "For the toad summons."

"I like toads," says Naruto, nodding. "Toads are cool. So how do I do the jutsu?"

"You can't - at least not with your chakra control level."

"THEN WHAT'S THE POINT IN ME SIGNING THE DAMN SCROLL?!"

"IF YOU HADN'T JUST GONE AND SIGNED IT INSTEAD OF ASKING WHAT IT DOES FIRST, YOU WOULD KNOW THAT ALREADY!"

"WELL YOU TOLD ME TO SIGN A THING IN BLOOD! WHAT DID YOU EXPECT ME TO DO, STOP AND THINK ABOUT IT?"

"AS A MATTER OF FACT, YES, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I EXPECTED YOU TO DO!"

"I'M AN UZUMAKI! YOU SAY DO THE THING IN BLOOD, I JUMP ALL OVER THAT FASTER THAN CHOJI EATS A BAG OF CHIPS!"

"WHAT IF I SAID NOT TO USE BLOOD?"

"I'D STILL USE BLOOD! HOW DO YOU THINK I TURNED OFF MY OWN GRAVITY THAT TIME?"

"You what?" asks Pervy Sage, his face turning pale.

"I wrote a seal on my arm in my own blood and it turned off my personal gravity," explains Naruto. "It took me like, half a year to turn off the seal - that's why I'm so short. Not having gravity made me stop growing for a while. Sometimes I accidently turn it back on and have to switch it off before I float up too high." Naruto realizes that he has another victim for his floating prank. He better be careful, though, Pervy Sage might guess he is in control of the seal now.

"Why wasn't I told about this?" mutters Pervy Sage. "I bet I coulda helped."

"Grandpa Third said that Iruka-nii is the best sealmaster in Konoha," says Naruto. "How come you would've been able to help, but he couldn't, 'tebayo?"

Pervy Sage stares at Naruto. "Last time I checked, I was the best seal master in Konoha!"

"Well, you aren't anymore!"

"I might've been back then!"

"Who cares: that was then!" Naruto crosses his arms. "Now are you going to teach me the summoning jutsu or not?"

"FINE!" Pervy Sage relents, exasperated (Naruto learned that word from Grandpa). "But first you have to drain all your chakra."

"But you just said I don't have enough chakra for the jutsu!" protests Naruto.

"Oh so NOW he pays attention!" whines Pervy Sage. "Kid, have you ever noticed a second chakra inside you that maybe comes out when you get upset or something?"

Naruto thinks about this with his arms crossed and his face screwed up. Another chakra that comes out when he is mad. That's what happened on the bridge in the Land of Waves. Grandpa Hokage said it was the Nine Tailed Fox's chakra. "Are you talking about the Nine Tail's chakra?" asks Naruto, cocking his head to one side. "When I went to the Land of Waves with my team, I got mad in a fight and some angry red chakra came out of nowhere. Grandpa Third said it was the Nine Tails' chakra."

"Oh good, you do know about it," says Pervy Sage, sounding relieved. "The main reason I am teaching you the summoning jutsu is so you can learn how to pull out a small amount of the Fox's chakra - small enough that you can control it, but not so small that it's less than your own. To do that, you need to do a jutsu that takes more chakra or better chakra control that you currently have. Which is why you need to get rid of all your chakra before doing the jutsu: so you are forced to tap into the Fox's power. Do you understand?"

Naruto thinks about this. "So do you mean that I have to do a jutsu I don't have enough chakra for so I can learn to use the Fox's chakra instead, 'tebayo?"

"Yes," nods Pervy Sage, crossing his arms self-importantly.

"And you want me to get rid of my chakra so only the Fox's chakra is left and I have to use it, 'tebayo?"

"Exactly."

"But isn't that stealing?"

"STEALING?!" shouts Pervy Sage. "HOW IS ANY OF THIS STEALING?"

"Well, you said I have to use the fox's chakra for the summoning jutsu," says Naruto. "But if I take his chakra, then that's stealing, because it doesn't belong to me. Grandma says taking something that isn't yours is stealing, and stealing is bad." Naruto nods a few times to emphasize his point.

"B...b...but...but...but...the whole fox belongs to you!" says Pervy Sage, his eyes wide and his mouth open.

"But isn't that slavery?" asks Naruto. "Grandma said slavery is bad too."

"But you were given the Nine Tails so you can use its power!" protests Pervy Sage. "Why are you thinking so hard about this?"

Naruto stares at Pervy Sage. "I thought the fox was sealed into me to protect the village." The village. Not Naruto. But what if he is meant to be using the fox's power? Does that make his dad a bad man for imprisoning another being? Naruto is confused. Then something occurs to him. Grandpa Hokage said that all the Tailed beasts were imprisoned in people. Do those people take the tailed beasts' power? Are they bad people too?

"Earth to Naruto!"

Naruto looks up at Pervy Sage, halting his line of thought and making a mental note to come back to it later.

"Stop thinking so hard!" he says. "The tailed beasts are evil, and jinchuuriki must learn to control their power so they do not unleash great evil on the world."

Naruto frowns. Something about that statement doesn't feel right. "But how do you know they are evil? Maybe they just hate humans? Why do we imprison them in people, anyway? Couldn't we befriend them?"

Pervy Sage stares at Naruto like he's grown an extra head. "The Tailed Beasts have only hatred for the human race! Every chance they get, they will try to kill as many of us as they can! We have to imprison them to protect ourselves, since they cannot be killed!"

"But that doesn't give us the right to steal their power!" counters Naruto, angry, and very confused.

"But you have it, so why are you so against using it?" demands Pervy Sage.

"Because it feels wrong!" yells Naruto. "I'll do that stupid summoning jutsu! But I'll do it with my own chakra! I don't care if you think I can't! You don't even know me!"

"Oh yeah?" Shouts Pervy Sage. "If you think you can do it with your own chakra, show me!"

Naruto glares at Pervy Sage and says, "Show me the jutsu."

Pervy Sage bites his thumb, slaps his hand on the ground and says, "Summoning jutsu!" a rather large toad appears in a puff of smoke.

"Now you try," says Pervy Sage.

Naruto bites his thumb, slaps his hand on the ground and says, "Summoning jutsu!" while pouring as much chakra as he can into the jutsu. There is a puff of smoke, and a tiny little tadpole appears.

"That was pathetic!" says Pervy Sage. "Try again!"

Naruto glares at him, but does as he is told.

* * *

Sasuke falls face-first onto her bed. "I hate everyone," she mutters. Her kitten jumps up and sits on her back. "Yes, you too." Sasuke feels tired to the bone. She thought she trained hard before, but when Kakashi sensei is serious, he takes the meaning of intense training to whole new levels. If she is not sore all over in the morning, it will be a miracle.

Sasuke's window darkens. She looks up, barely raising her head. Naruto is sitting on her windowsill looking tired and miffed. "What do you want?" she demands half heartedly.

"How was your first day of training?" he asks.

"Exhausting."

"I learned how to walk on water."

"So did I, but then I did a lot of running with weights on."

"I have to learn summoning so I can expand my chakra."

"You already have a ton of chakra, though," mutters Sasuke. "Lucky little sod."

"Yeah, but Pervy Sage - my godfather - keeps making fun of my chakra control. He says it's terrible."

"But it's not even that much worse than mine," complains Sasuke. "Does that mean my chakra control is bad too?"

"I guess…" Naruto shrugs. "It did take you just as long as me to get the tree-walking down."

"What do you really want?" Sasuke asks.

"If…" Naruto trails off.

"If what?" Sasuke is curious now.

"If someone told you to take something that didn't belong to you," says Naruto is a rush. "And they said it was okay, but you thought it would be wrong to take that thing and use it for your own benefit without even consulting the owner, would that make you a bad person?"

"Yes," says Sasuke. "If you can, you should ask the owner. What are you talking about anyway? Did someone ask you to steal something?"

"Well, that's the thing: Pervy Sage doesn't think it's stealing."

"But you do, and it's bothering you."

"Yeah."

"I don't know what you should do. Why are you even asking me?"

"Madoka agreed with Pervy Sage, but I don't know…"

"Then asks your Grandparents, and actually explain the situation to them."

"Thanks Sasuke," says Naruto, grinning. "You're a good friend." Naruto runs off, leaving Sasuke alone with her kitten.


	80. What Kind of Person am I?

When Naruto arrives home after his first day of training, Kazama is teaching one of her evening violin classes. This particular student is an ex member of the ANBU Black Ops - a young man who is currently doing therapy for his PTSD. The Hokage asked Kazama to teach the young man the violin as music therapy, since it was the only thing he would agree to. Kazama is no trained therapist. She is a trained music teacher. She shows no pity for this emotionally distressed young shinobi.

No pity at all.

And she certainly isn't going easy on him. "Lift your bow higher, you are sliding it across the strings." Kazama nudges the young man's arm up a bit. "Your index finger should be here for F#." She nudges his finger into place.

Naruto wanders into Kazama's music studio and sits down on a chair by the door - the one her youngest students' mothers sit on.

The ex-ANBU turns and looks at him.

"Focus!" snaps Kazama. She is sorely tempted to get one of those short cane switches that some teachers use as pointers when teaching. It would definitely make her look intimidating, but she would be too tempted to whack her students with it instead of gently nudging their hands, arms and fingers into the right place.

The ex-ANBU goes back to stumbling through his fourth violin lesson.

Naruto sits quietly and watches. Naruto knows better than to interrupt a music lesson for anything less than an emergency. Besides, it's Naruto's turn next. Kazama started teaching Naruto to play the violin not long after he stopped floating. He was very reluctant to learn at first.

* * *

 _Seven year old Naruto is sitting quietly listening to Arashi talk a kilometer a minute about his latest history project. Kazama is not sure whether that is a good thing or a sign Naruto is planning something. But then Naruto interrupts and starts asking questions faster than Arashi can answer, and Kazama knows that Naruto was simply fascinated by what he was hearing._

" _I'm afraid I'm going to have to steal Naruto for a while," says Kazama._

" _Aww," both Arashi and Naruto droop sadly._

" _You can have him back in half an hour," says Kazama. "Come Naruto, I am going to start teaching you to play the violin."_

" _But I don't wanna!" whines Naruto, pouting and crossing his arms._

" _Go on, Naruto," Arashi encourages him. "It'll be fun."_

" _No it won't!" protests Naruto, slouching down in his chair._

" _At least try it before deciding that," encourages Arashi._

" _At least just try it this once," says Kazama. She did not consider the possibility that Naruto wouldn't want to learn._

" _Fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine," Naruto drags out his reply, sliding off his chair on to the floor._

 _Kazama sighs and pulls Naruto off the floor. He reluctantly allows her to lead him by the hand into her music studio. Once inside, Kazama sits Naruto down pulls out her smallest violin - which was actually hers once - and shows him how to hold it. Naruto very reluctantly cooperates, with much huffing, sighing and refusing to sit properly._

 _Kazama fights her way through the lesson for about ten minutes, and is about to give up when Iruka wanders into the studio._

" _Iruka-nii!" Naruto whines. "I don't wanna learn to play the violin, dattebayo!"_

" _Why not?" asks Iruka._

" _What does THIS" - he holds out the violin and bow - "have to do with being a ninja?"_

 _Iruka considers this question and replies, "When you are a full fledged ninja, sometimes you need to sneak into a village or castle or something without anyone knowing you are a ninja. A travelling musician would be a great cover story - that is, if you could play portable instrument. Like the violin."_

 _Naruto screws up his little face in thought. Finally he smiles and says, "Okay, I'll learn the violin." Then he turns to Kazama and says, "Grandma, you can teach me how if you want. I don't mind."_

 _Naruto didn't instantly decide to like his violin lessons, though. He still put up a fight if he wasn't in the mood, and he 'forgot' to practice on many occasions. However, a few months later, just as Kazama began to wonder if she should just forget about the whole thing, Naruto stopped forgetting to practice, then he stopped complaining about everything he could during his lessons. Then, about half a year after Kazama started teaching Naruto, he showed up in her studio about ten minutes before his lesson, sat down in the corner and waited for the kid whose lesson was before his to finish. Then for the first time, he actually showed some measure of enthusiasm during his weekly lesson._

 _But what really surprised Kazama was when, a week later, he demanded to have his lesson twice a week._

* * *

Kazama snaps herself out of her thoughts and cuffs the ex ANBU on the back of the head. "How many times do I have to tell you to LIFT YOUR BOW ARM?"

"I'm sorry!" the young man apologises meekly.

Kazama glances over at the clock hanging opposite her. It is time for the lesson to finish. "Looks like we are out of time," she says. "You better practice keeping that arm up."

After the ex-ANBU is gone (through the window), Kazama turns her attention to Naruto. "How did your training go?" she asks. Jiraiya is not staying with them, he decided to stay in a hotel nearby. What kind of hotel, Kazama does not want to think about.

"I learned how to walk on water," says Naruto, with only half of his usual post-training enthusiasm.

Oh dear. "What went wrong?" asks Kazama, kneeling down in front of Naruto.

Naruto takes a deep breath and says, "You know all that stuff you told me about stealing and slavery?"

The question catches Kazama off guard. "Yes," she says, cautiously.

"Well, Pervy Sage wants me to learn how to take the Nine Tails' chakra," explains Naruto, looking down. "But if I did, wouldn't that be stealing? And Pervy Sage said that people have been imprisoning all the tailed beasts for a long time to use their power, but isn't that slavery? The Nine Tails is already a prisoner, would using his power make him my slave and me a thief? Are people who seal away tailed beasts bad people?"

Kazama sucks in her breath as she realizes what Naruto is really asking: was Minato a bad person?

Then Naruto adds, "Are jinchuuriki bad people?"

This is no light question that Kazama can make up something that will satisfy Naruto's curiosity until she can come up with a better answer. This is serious, and if Kazama gives Naruto the wrong answer, he will end up either hating himself, or the entire shinobi world.

"Am I the monster everyone says I am?"

Kazama puts her hands on Naruto's shoulders, looks him in the eye and says, "No, you are not a monster, or a bad person. Don't EVER think that for one second. I don't know much about jinchuuriki, tailed beasts or the ways of the shinobi world, but if this is really bothering you, then perhaps we should find out more about this."

"It is bothering me," says Naruto.

"What's bothering you?" asks Iruka, wandering in, as he is prone to do.

"Pervy Sage wants me to use the Nine Tails' power, but I don't think that is right," explains Naruto. "He said other jinchuuriki control their tailed beasts, but isn't that slavery?"

"I've never really thought much about it," admits Iruka. "But when you put it like that, it does sound bad. I suppose you know that the Hidden Whirlpool was far above any other village in terms of sealing?" Naruto nods and Iruka continues. "Your seal is the strongest ever used to seal away a tailed beast. In fact, you actually have two seals: one to hold the fox and one to regulate the chakra that leaks out of the seal and into your chakra networks. Most jinchuuriki have much weaker seals, and no regulator seal. Because of this, the tailed beast's chakra would sometimes overwhelm their jinchuuriki, and the tailed beast would take over, making the jinchuuriki attack everything and anyone close enough to be in the blast zone. Those jinchuuriki have no choice but to constantly divert some of their chakra to suppressing the tailed beast inside them. Those jinchuuriki don't have the luxury of contemplating the ethics behind it, controlling their tailed beast is a matter of life or death."

"But couldn't they make friends with the tailed beast?" asks Naruto. "Are tailed beasts really evil like everyone says?"

"I don't think anyone can really be evil," says Kazama. "Everyone has something good about them - isn't that where the yin and yang comes from?"

"That is a good point," says Iruka, nodding. "But I'll tell you something I heard somewhere - I'm not sure if it is true, but most people think it is. In the Hidden Cloud, there lives what is called a Perfect Jinchuuriki. Her name is Killer B, and rumor has it that after intense training she managed to, not only gain perfect control over her tailed beast's chakra, but also befriended him. Perhaps she is the one you need to speak with about this. But until you get such an opportunity, do whatever feels right to you, Naruto."

Naruto frowns thoughtfully and asks, "So what about the people who seal away the tailed beasts? Are they bad people for doing that?"

Iruka sighs. "I cannot answer that. The Tailed Beasts were sealed away because they were threatening humanity - or at least that is the official story. When the First Hokage hunted down the tailed beasts with Madara Uchiha they sealed them all away except the Nine Tails. The rest Lord First gifted to other shinobi villages in an attempt to develop good cross-village relations. Hashirama also gathered up the various summoning contracts and shared them around the villages as well. The First Hokage did what he thought was right to create an equal balance of power amongst the newly formed shinobi nations. If he had not done what he did, the shinobi world would've been plunged into war before it even got properly established. Whether what he did was good or bad, I do not know. All I can say is that Lord First thought it was right when he did it."

"Why didn't they seal away the Nine Tails?" asks Kazama. "How did he even end up in the Leaf if they never found him?"

"I never said they didn't find the Nine Tails," says Iruka. "Just that they didn't seal him away. Madara entered a summoning contract with the Nine Tails. When Madara defected and fought Lord First, Lord First's wife, Mito Uzumaki, sealed the Nine Tails into herself to prevent Madara from using him as a partner in battle." Iruka places his hand on Naruto's head and finishes his lecture by saying, "The shinobi world is not straightforward enough to see good and bad as clear cut, with a firm line dividing the two. All anyone can do is what they think is right, and stand by their decision for as long as they are sure of it."


	81. Fugaku is Totally Justified

Madoka is about to leave for his training when a crow flies into his bedroom and demands his attention. Madoka takes the message strapped to the bird's leg and reads it. _Puking up my guts. Training cancelled until further notice. Itachi._ Madoka sighs. He is beginning to sympathize with Lord Fugaku's desire to castrate Shisui.

Now, what to do with his day in order to avoid being roped into a pile of chores? There is independent training, but that is not always a good idea, especially for Madoka, who is prone to making mistakes in his training.

Madoka wonders if there is anyone he could train with. He is not allowed to train with anyone else who is participating in the finals, to avoid giving himself and whoever he trains with an unfair advantage. Madoka considers what he might do. Oh yes! Karin is still in hospital. Madoka will visit her, maybe take her a flower or two. Come to think of it, that Rock Lee boy is in hospital too. Maybe Madoka should pay him a visit as well.

Madoka heads off to the Yamanaka flower shop. He enters to see Ino standing behind the counter. "Hey, Ino," Madoka smiles.

"Hey Pinky," says Ino. "Are you going to the hospital?"

Madoka blushes. "Yes," he admits. "I am going to visit Karin, and then see how Lee is doing."

"Oh." Ino looks thoughtful. "Did you hear about Lee? His days as a ninja are over."

"I know," sighs Madoka. "But I think I'll take him a daffodil to show him that I care." he bends down by one of the flower beds and takes a daffodil.

"We barely know him, Madoka."

"I know, but can't ignore a fellow Leaf ninja who worked his hardest to be strong, only to have his dreams crushed."

Ino sighs. "I'll come too. It would look a bit weird for a boy to give another boy flowers at the hospital. Besides, I wanna see Karin too."

"Aren't you supposed to be minding the shop, though?" asks Madoka.

"Oh yeah," Ino says, and turns to the back of the shop. "MUM! I'M GOING TO THE HOSPITAL WITH MADOKA TO VISIT KARIN! CAN YOU COVER FOR ME UNTIL I GET BACK?"

"OKAY. DON'T TAKE TOO LONG!" Ino's mum yells back.

"See? I can come with you," grins Ino. "I think I'll take Karin a daffodil too. They are a great 'get well soon' flower. What are you going to take Karin? A rose bouquet?"

Madoka takes a step back and hold his hands up. "No, no, no!"

Ino grins.

"Just one red rose," says Madoka, picking one. "And a red-tipped yellow rose, and...a red chrysanthemum."

"Is that all?" asks Ino, grinning.

"Yes- NO! A white carnation to balance the colour palate," Madoka finishes, picking his chosen flowers.

Ino starts giggling. "Do you realize what that bouquet means?"

Madoka glares at his friend. "Of course I do!"

"So what colour ribbon do you want to tie them together with?" asks Ino, still grinning.

Madoka considers his options. "Blue," he decides. "To mean protection and healing."

Once the flowers are tied together with a blue ribbon, and the two daffodils are wrapped in clear plastic and all the flowers are paid for, Madoka and Ino go to the hospital to visit Karin. A nurse shows them to Karin's room, telling them not to stay too long, as Karin has severe chakra exhaustion and needs rest.

Karin is sitting up in bed, staring out the window, her shoulder bandaged and her arm up in a sling to take the strain off the wounded shoulder. She turns to look at Madoka and Ino, and smiles. "I thought you would never come. I am so BORED!"

Madoka smiles and gives Karin the bouquet. "I brought you some flowers…"

Karin blushes, takes the bouquet and says, "Thanks…"

Ino laughs at them. "Madoka and Karin in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g!"

"SHUDDUP!" shout both Madoka and Karin, glaring angrily at Ino and blushing something fierce.

Ino giggles some more, finds a couple of vases and puts one of the daffodils in the smaller vase. "When you're done being all lovey-dovey, there's a vase here for that bouquet," she says. "And this daffodil is from me, since you need someone to give you a platonic gift, and it certainly ain't coming from Madoka."

* * *

When Madoka and Ino are finished visiting Karin, they head to the boys' wing to visit Lee. But Lee is not in his bed.

"He hasn't left, has he?" asks Ino.

Madoka runs over to the window. Maybe he climbed out it, like most other bored shinobi do. Sure enough, Lee is outside. However, instead of trying to escape, he is trying to train. Madoka is out that window faster than greased chidori. "Lee, stop! You can't train until you are fully healed, or you will never heal!"

Lee looks up from his press ups and says, "Leave me! I can do this!"

"If you want to spend the rest of your life in a wheelchair, feel free to continue," snaps Madoka. "If you want even half a chance at being a shinobi again, you better get your ass back in that hospital bed!"

"But I must train!" insists Lee. "I must not disappoint Gai sensei!"

"Gai sensei will be more disappointed in you for leaving your hospital bed than for suspending your training until you are fully healed!" snaps Madoka.

"But…!"

"If you are going to be difficult, then I have no choice," sighs Madoka, and knocks Lee out with a well-placed chakra sedative. Then Madoka picks Lee up in the proper 'no stretcher is available but the patient must be moved' way, jumps back into Lee's hospital room through the window and puts him back in bed.

Ino just stands and stares.

Madoka takes Lee's daffodil from Ino's hands, puts it in a vase and places it on Lee's bedside table.

"What is with this guy?" wonders Madoka.

"Don't ask me," mutters Ino.

Itachi's crow flies in the open window and demands Madoka's attention. Madoka reads the note attached to its leg. _Come to my house. My mum will help you train while I puke up my guts. Itachi._

"Who's Itachi?" asks Ino.

"Sasuke's big sister," Madoka tells his friend. "The chick Shisui knocked up. Also a master of genjutsu. I'm training under her for the finals - in between her morning sickness, that is." Madoka sighs. "I now believe Lord Fugaku is totally justified in his desire to kill and/or castrate Shisui."

Ino laughs.

* * *

While Naruto attempts to summon something - anything - bigger than a tadpole, Pervy Sage crouches in the bushes nearby and spies on some young ladies in bikinis. Naruto considers telling the two girls that a pervy old man is watching them play in the river, but decides that if it was Hinata, he'd knock Pervy Sage out and spy himself, so he's really just as bad.

Naruto summons another toad. Tadpole. This one's just a tadpole. Naruto un-summons it and tries again.

"PERVY SAGE! LOOK!" Naruto yells.

Pervy Sage turns to Naruto, takes one look at what Naruto summoned and yells, "IT'S STILL A TADPOLE!"

"BUT IT HAS TWO LEGS!"

"OH YEAH? GIVE IT TWO ARMS AND A BRAIN AND THEN MAYBE I'LL TRAIN _IT_! IT'S PROBABLY SMARTER THAN YOU, ANYWAY!"

"WELL _SORRY_ I'M NOT A GENIUS!"

"DON'T GIVE ME ATTITUDE, BRAT!"

"I'LL STOP GIVING YOU ATTITUDE WHEN YOU STOP MAKING FUN OF ME, DATTEBAYO!"

"AND I'LL STOP MAKING FUN OF YOU WHEN YOUR LACK OF TALENT STOPS BEING ANNOYING!"

"MAYBE IF YOU EXPLAINED THIS BETTER, I WOULD BE ABLE TO DO IT!"

"WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOUR BRAIN!?"

"NOTHING IS WRONG WITH MY BRAIN! YOU'RE JUST A LAME TEACHER! IRUKA-NII COULD TEACH BETTER WHEN HE WAS 15!"

"WELL YOU…" Pervy Sage tries to think of a comeback. "YOU HAVE SILLY HAIR!"

Naruto falls over laughing and pointing at Pervy Sage. "I got you good!"

Pervy Sage huffs and turns back to the river to continue spying on the girls. "Aw, they're gone. Let's call it a day," says Pervy Sage.

"But we still have an hour left before Grandma wants me to stop!" whines Naruto. "You just don't want to teach me cause you know you suck at it."

"I DON'T SUCK AT TEACHING!" yells Pervy Sage.

"THEN TRAIN ME ALREADY!" retorts Naruto, twice as loudly and with a much more fierce glare.

"FINE!"

"FINE!"

"BRAT!"

"GEEZER!"

"SNOT NOSED LOUDMOUTH!"

"WITHERED OLD CREEP!"

The argument continues for some time before they run out of things to call each other.

Roughly three hours later, Naruto's Grandmother arrives at the training ground to find Pervy Sage and Naruto scraping the bottom of the barrel for insults to throw at each other.

"Stupid white haired freak!"

"Stupid faced idiot!"

"Old fart!"

"Will you two SHUT UP!" demands Naruto's Grandma. "You are both idiots!" She grabs each of them by the ear and drags them to Naruto's house, and forces them to eat dinner, before kicking Jiraiya out to 'go be a bad role model somewhere else!'


	82. Got the T-Shirt

Jiraiya is enjoying himself. He has such lovely young specimens to study today. Behind him, Naruto is yelling about his continuing inability to summon anything bigger than a tadpole.

"WHAT THE HECK IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A TOAD AND A TADPOLE, ANYWAY?" Naruto yells.

Jiraiya ignores him. The girls bathing in the river are much better viewing.

"OI! PERVY SAGE!" Naruto yells. "COULDN'T YOU AT LEAST _ACT_ LIKE YOU HAVE SOME FAITH IN ME?!"

Jiraiya turns to glare at Naruto in time to see Naruto's eyes glaze over. The boy collapses, falling over backwards in the dirt. "Not again," groans Jiraiya. "But I suppose it can't be helped, what with him having used up all his chakra." Jiraiya sighs. He had hoped it wouldn't come to this, but it really can't be helped. He hoists Naruto up over his shoulder and heads to a remote location.

For Naruto to tap into the Nine Tailed Fox's power, Jiraiya is certain the boy will need to be thrust straight into a life-or-death situation. He glances up at the giant, carve face of Minato. "I'm sorry for what I am about to do, Lord Fourth," Jiraiya apologises.

Once he has found a suitable location, Jiraiya lays Naruto on the ground and creates a vast chasm in the ground. Then he turns back to Naruto and inspects the anti-gravity seal on Naruto's arm. Jiraiya grins when he realizes that he can tell how the seal works just by looking at it. Maybe he should have a seal-master off with that upstart Iruka. Jiraiya then does what somebody should have thought to do when Naruto first made the seal: he cuts off Naruto's access to it with a Five Pronged Seal. Now Naruto won't be able to simply float his way out of trouble. Jiraiya wonders if Naruto has anything else he could use to prevent the plan from working.

Not that it matters, Naruto is too low on chakra to use his own chakra, so no matter how he gets out of the situation, it will be with the Nine Tails' chakra. Jiraiya hates having to force Naruto into this corner, but it must be done. Naruto's stupid resistance against using the Nine Tails' power was completely unexpected. He'd talk to Naruto about it to figure out what's really bothering him, but Jiraiya doesn't like talking about feelings. Besides, Naruto can always go talk to that Iruka who he likes so much.

And no, Jiraiya is not jealous at all. No way!

His preparations complete, Jiraiya takes Naruto behind some bushes, so he can't see the giant, gaping hole in the earth, and throws a bucket of water on Naruto's face. "Rise and shine!" Jiraiya says, cheerfully.

Naruto sits up, shakes the water off his head and says, "What was that for?"

"To knock some sense into you, since you have none." replies Jiraiya. "We've been training for three weeks now, and you've gotten practically nowhere. If you continue like this, the whole thing is pointless."

"Hey! I'm trying my hardest!" whinges Naruto.

"Are you?" says Jiraiya, crossing his arms. "It seems to me you could be taking this a step further. If you were to risk your life for this training, then perhaps you will pull it off."

"Hey! I've been training like I'm gonna die, dattebayo!"

"Really? Well how about you put your life at risk for this training? Are you willing to go all the way?"

"Of course!" says Naruto. "There's no point if I don't risk everything!"

"Good." Jiraiya pushes Naruto backwards, through the bushes and into the ravine. "Then summon or die. I blocked off your anti-gravity seal, so you can't use that. You have no choice but to summon." As Naruto falls, Jiraiya stands at the edge of the precipice and watches his attempts to stop his fall. It is futile, though. Naruto's only hope now is to pull out the chakra of the nine tailed fox. However, Jiraiya is ready to save Naruto if it comes to that.

* * *

Naruto tries desperately to turn on the anti-gravity seal, but he cannot. Pervy Sage really did block it. Not even Iruka-nii can do that. Is Pervy Sage really a better sealmaster? Naruto tries to use the Temporal Distortion seal, but it takes a lot of chakra, and he does not have enough. It really is summon or die.

But how can he summon with no chakra?

Naruto realizes with a jolt that he is about to die.

Die.

He feels his pulse beat loudly.

Naruto closes his eyes.

He hears water dripping. Where is the water coming from? Naruto opens his eyes. He is inside a dark, wet sewer. Naruto is no stranger to mess, but he wants to make this place more cheerful.

Naruto hears a low growl rumble through the sewer. Curious, he follows the sound to a giant gate made of bars thicker than Choji. Make that three Chojis. Or three of Choji's Dad. They are THICK bars.

Naruto creeps over to investigate. The giant gate is intimidatingly tall. Taller than the cliff around the village, maybe. Naruto stares up at it and sees a paper stuck to the gates. Naruto knows just by glancing at it that the kanji on the paper says 'seal'. A strange, angry chakra is emanating from the murky darkness behind the gate. Someone is in there. Someone deeply unhappy.

Naruto creeps forward. "Hello?" he calls. "Who's in there, 'tebayo?"

A purring growl answers him, as a pair of glowing red eyes float close to the cage, along with a sharp pair of white teeth.

Naruto squints, trying to make out more of the strange, enormous being behind the gate. "Are you the Nine Tailed Fox?" he asks, thinking that this must be the seal the Nine Tails is kept in. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki."

"I know who you are, boy," growls the fox. "And yes, I am the mighty Nine Tailed Fox."

"I'm falling off a cliff," Naruto tells him. "If I die, will you die too?"

The fox growls low. "Yes, I will die - but only for a short time. I will return, stronger than ever, after a few years!"

"Well, that's nice to know, I guess," says Naruto, sighing. "I had so much I still wanted to do, but it was nice meeting you before I die, Mr. Nine Tails, sir."

The fox growls, but the growl sounds more like a laugh. "Sir? I've never been called that before. I'll tell you what kid: that Old Sage is getting too pushy. How about I help you out of this situation, huh?"

"You'll really help me?" Naruto's face lights up with new hope. "Really truly? Oh please, help! Please, dattebayo!"

A mist of red chakra slides out from under the gate and encircles Naruto. "Have some of my chakra as a gift, boy. Use it to summon one of those silly toads and save us. Any time you are in a bind, feel free to call on my chakra. I'd hate to lose my main source of entertainment."

Naruto considers that statement, then realizes the Mr. Nine Tails Sir is talking about Naruto. "HEY!" yells Naruto, indignantly. "What do you mean by that?"

Mr. Nine Tails Sir just laughs.

Naruto feels a slight tugging sensation and finds himself falling down the abyss. Using the chakra that Mr. Nine Tails Sir gave him, Naruto performs the summoning jutsu. All the chakra is used up, and now Naruto knows how much chakra he needs: A LOT.

Naruto's fall comes to an abrupt halt as he lands on something huge and vast. There is something familiar about the vast expanse of green. Naruto crawls around, investigating. Red, warty skin. Blue happi vest with the kanji for 'shrimp' on the back. Giant pipe sticking out of the toad's mouth.

Naruto is so excited he jumps up and down for joy on top of the toad's head. "I summoned Gamabunta! OH MY GOSH, THE KING OF TOADS IS REAL!" He jumps down onto Gamabunta's nose and grins widely at the toad. "I have a plushie of you! And also, you are on my T-shirt!" Naruto unzips his jacket to show Gamabunta his T-shirt. "I had no idea you were so HUGE, dattebayo!"

"WHERE IS JIRAIYA?! HOW DARE THAT PERVERT TEACH YOU TO SUMMON ME?" roars Gamabunta. "AND HOW DARE YOU BE A FANBOY!?"

"I'M NOT A FANBOY! IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT EVERYTHING PERVY SAGE SENDS ME HAS YOU AND THE REST OF THE MOUNT MYOBOKU TOADS ALL OVER IT!"

"Oh yeah, that's right," says Gamabunta. "We created a children's line just for you. Some other kid uses our merchandise now, a girl, I believe. Now what do you want?"

"Pervy Sage threw me off a cliff," says Naruto, turning on the tears, like he does when he wants Grandpa to give him something. "Please help me get back to the top?"

Gamabunta stares at Naruto. "Don't cry, kid. I'll get you out."

"You're the best!" says Naruto, smiling winningly. "You're way cooler than Pervy Sage!"

In one giant leap, Gamabunta jumps to the top of the ravine. Finally safe, Naruto lets himself relax. Next thing he knows, darkness has enveloped him.


	83. Distorted Mirror Image

"HOW DARE YOU!" Kazama yells, pulling on Jiraiya's ear. "HOW F###ING DARE YOU! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING, THROWING MY GRANDBABY OFF A CLIFF?!"

"IT WAS NECESSARY!" yells back Jiraiya. "OW! OW! OW!"

"HE IS 12!"

"WHEN I WAS 12, I KILLED A MAN!"

"I DON'T CARE IF YOU MURDERED YOUR OWN MOTHER! NEVER THROW NARUTO OFF A CLIFF AGAIN OR I WILL RIP OUT YOUR INSIDES AND USE THEM TO PAINT YOUR TOMBSTONE!"

"Out!" Snaps the nurse in charge of Naruto, shooing Jiraiya and Kazama out of the room. "You are too noisy!"

Jiraiya and Kazama take their loud argument elsewhere.

"I'm so sorry for their behaviour!" apologies Arashi, bowing apologetically to the nurse. He holds out a bag. "I brought Naruto's pyjamas. Please give me a call when he wakes up!"

The nurse smiles and takes the bag. "Of course."

"And his favourite plushie is in there too," says Arashi. "He winds up on the floor after a couple of hours if he does not have it to hang on to in his sleep!"

The nurse's smile widens. "Of course, sir. Now please: I have a patient to take care of."

* * *

Naruto opens his eyes slowly. There is a strange smell in the air. Where is he? Unfamiliar bed. Familiar pyjamas and panda hat. Gamabunta plushie pressed up against his chest. White walls. Shikamaru staring at him in amusement.

"Shikamaru…?" mumbles Naruto, blearily. "Where am I?"

"Oh hey, you're finally awake," drones Shikamaru. "It's really troublesome, but you passed out after your training the other day and now you are in hospital."

"A few days….?" Naruto's eyes widen. He sits up and demands, "Did I miss the Chunin Exams?"

"No, they aren't here yet," says Shikamaru. "You've only been out for three days. I heard your Grandma threatened to kill your teacher and paint his tombstone with his own blood."

Naruto's mouth falls open. "She did?"

"Yep," Shikamaru grins and holds up a basket of apples and oranges. "Here, I brought you a fruit basket. I figured you'd be hungry after sleeping so long."

"You're the best!" Naruto grins, and starts shovelling down food at a fruit a second. Then Naruto pauses. "Did you come all the way to the hospital just to visit me, or did you have another reason, lazy bum?"

"Ah, you got me," says Shikamaru, scratching the back of his head. "I also came to see Choji. He ate too much and hurt his stomach."

Naruto can feel his eyebrow twitching. Then he starts laughing, holding his sides.

"I brought him this fruit basket," adds Shikamaru, holding up another basket full of apples. "But he isn't allowed to eat at the moment."

Naruto has a cunning idea. "Hey Shikamaru, let's go to Choji's room and eat all this fruit in front of him. That'll drive him nuts!"

"That is so mean," grins Shikamaru. "I love it."

Naruto feels something dark and angry nearby. He sniffs the air. Blood. "Can you feel that?" he asks.

"Yeah," says Shikamaru. "Whatever it is, I bet it has something to do with the fact that the sand in that hourglass stopped moving."

"Follow me!" Naruto leaps off the bed, skids out into the corridor and runs down the hall, Shikamaru hot on his heels.

They arrive in Rock Lee's room a few seconds later.

Gaara of the Sand is standing over Lee, wrapping sand around the unconscious eyebrow boy.

Shikamaru stops Gaara with a Shadow Possession Jutsu. Naruto follows up by punching Gaara in the face. "What do you think you're doing?" Naruto demands, angry beyond reason. Something about this guy annoys him.

"Hey, watch it!" snaps Shikamaru, rubbing his cheek. "If you hit him, I take some damage too!"

"Oh! Sorry, Shikamaru," apologises Naruto.

Some sand falls off Gaara's cheek were Naruto hit him.

Naruto glares hard at Gaara. "What are you trying to pull?" he demands, crossing his arms.

"Yeah, you already beat up Lee," says Shikamaru. "Wasn't once enough for you? You got something against him?"

The two Leaf genin stare down the Sand genin for a few tense seconds.

"I have nothing against him," says Gaara evenly. "I simply wish to kill him."

"YOU'RE SICK IN THE HEAD!" Naruto yells, pointing at Gaara in disgust. This guy is something else.

"What makes you think we will let you kill Lee?" demands Shikamaru.

"If you don't get out of my way, I will kill you two as well," says Gaara, reasonably.

"LET'S SEE YOU TRY IT!" Naruto yells.

"NARUTO!" scolds Shikamaru. "Back off." Shikamaru turns back to Gaara. "Look, it's two against one, and we have some tricks up our sleeves you haven't seen yet. How about you walk away quietly, right now, and we won't beat you into next week."

Gaara just stands there with his arms crossed. "If you get in my way, I will kill you. I mean it."

"Oh yeah?" Naruto growls. "Like I said: I'd like to see you try!" Naruto can summon giant toads, shinigami, all five elements AND fly. He's GOT THIS.

"Naruto! BACK OFF!" Shikamaru repeats. "This guy is insane! He fights like a demon, or something!"

A demon…?

Naruto grins. "He can act like a demon all he wants, but I've got a freaking bijuu on my side!" He crosses his arms and grins.

A rumbling growl sounds throughout Naruto's mind. " _Who says I'm on your side, brat?!"_ Mr. Nine Tails Sir demands.

Naruto grins wider.

"Stupid!" growls Shikamaru, jabbing Naruto with his elbow. "Stop trying to make him mad."

"A bijuu, huh?" says Gaara. "I also have a bijuu living inside me."

Naruto senses a tragic backstory brewing and relaxes, knowing Gaara won't do anything until he has finished spouting some or all of his life's story.

"Before I was even born, Shukaku, the One Tailed Bijuu, was sealed inside my body," monologues Gaara. "My own father did this. I was born for the sole purpose of becoming the jinchuuriki of the One Tails. When I was born, I killed my mother. I was born a monster."

Naruto stares at Gaara in horror. He killed his mother? His father sealed a bijuu into him? Gaara is like Naruto. Except that Naruto does not enjoy killing people.

"Wow, your Dad must've been a swell guy," says Shikamaru sarcastically. "I bet he _really_ loved you."

"Love?" says Gaara. "Do not speak to me of love. The only emotion I feel towards anyone is the desire to kill them."

Naruto stares at Gaara in horror.

"Given life by the death of my mother, I was born to be the salvation of the Hidden Sand," continues Gaara. "For the first six years of my life, my father, the Kazekage, pampered and protected me. For a time I thought that was love. But then IT started."

"What?" asks Naruto. "What started?"

A strange, insane smile spreads across Gaara's face. "In the last six years since my sixth birthday, my father has tried to kill me more times than I can count!"

"What?" Naruto asks, horrified. "He tried to kill you? But WHY?"

"I was born to protect and serve the Hidden Sand," says Gaara. "But I became too powerful. I could not control the power I was given, and it took over, lashing out at those around me. And so I became a threat to the very people I was meant to protect. I was a failed weapon, so my father tried to destroy me. I am simply a relic of the past they all wish would disappear."

Naruto stares at Gaara in horror. _It's just like Iruka sensei said. For some jinchuuriki, controlling the tailed beast inside them is a matter of life and death!_ Naruto feels sick inside.

"So you see, I failed at the very thing I was given life for," Gaara continues. "What is left when the very purpose you exist to serve is gone? For a long time I couldn't find an answer. But in order to live you need a purpose. To exist for no reason is the same as being dead."

"What is this guy talking about?" mutters Shikamaru.

Naruto stares, remembering a time when all he did was sit in a lonely room, shut off from the world while his foster parents pretended he did not exist. A time when the world ignored him. He had no purpose. Nothing at all but an emptiness inside that eventually drove him to find his own way - drove him to Iruka. What did Gaara find? Naruto is afraid to know.

They were both little kids when their worlds changed forever.

"And then it came to me:" continues Gaara. "For years I lived in fear or the would be assassins. But I killed every one. But then I came to enjoy it. My purpose is to kill others. The death of my mother gave me life: now the death of others sustains me, and makes me almost happy to be alive. I exist only for myself. I love only myself. So long as there are people in the world, I will kill them and go on living."

Naruto is shaking now. He sees the kanji for 'love', carved in blood on Gaara's forehead. Is that really what it means?

 _I was just like him,_ Naruto realizes. _I had no purpose. I wondered what I was even alive for. Both of us were made jinchuuriki, and both of us had no one. But then Iruka-nii found me, and believed in me, and gave me a purpose. But this guy had no one. He had to figure it all out on his own, and THIS is what he came up with? If Iruka-nii hadn't found me, would I have turned out just like Gaara? We are so different, but so close to being EXACTLY THE SAME. If I didn't have people looking out for me, all the glares and hatred would get to me, and maybe I'd be like Gaara!_ Naruto takes a step back, shaking like a leaf.

"Naruto, what are you doing?" demands Shikamaru. "What's wrong?"

Gaara's sand starts to move again, even though Shikamaru's jutsu is still active. It is headed straight for Naruto and Shikamaru in the form of two deadly spikes.

"NARUTO!" Shikamaru is yelling.

Naruto stares up at the sand, shaking. _He knew. He know about his bijuu. But I didn't know about mine!_

"Alright, that's enough!" All three genin turn towards the door to see Gai sensei standing there. "Save it for tomorrow, that's when the final competition begins. Fighting now is just a waste of energy."

Gaara groans in agony, and bends over, holding his head as if he is in pain. Then he shuffles to the door, his sand leaving Lee and sliding back into that giant gourd. At the door, Gaara turns and says, "All the same, I will kill you all. Just you wait."

Naruto just stares after Gaara in horror.


	84. Final Preparations

"Sit still, Naruto!" orders Naruto's grandma, who is currently trying to brush his hair.

"But my hair is fine, Grandma!" Naruto tries to tell her.

"Nonsense! You need to look your best for the exam finals!"

"But I'm just gonna get all dirty and messy once my match starts, dattebayo!"

"Well, you still need to look nice for the opening ceremony."

Naruto sits still, with his arms crossed and a scowl on his face. What's the point in brushing his hair, anyway? It still sticks up everywhere.

There is a crash followed by a "DAMMIT!" and a cloud of paperwork bursts out of Grandpa's study. An instant later Tobiuo, Grandma's kitten, skids out of the office, her fur all puffed up, followed by an angry Grandpa. "Get back here, you silly animal!" growls Grandpa, trying to grab the frightened kitten.

"Arashi, that is not how you put the cat out," says Grandma, trying not to laugh. She leaves Naruto's hair alone long enough to scoop Tobiuo up, calm him down and shove him out the door. "I can't wait until that cat door is installed."

Naruto takes the opportunity to shunshin out the window.

* * *

Sasuke deactivates her sharingan and the jutsu Kakashi sensei just finished teaching her. "We should go to the arena," she says. She is worried about the impending invasion. "I need to be there on time."

"Well, I suppose I better not work you too hard," says Kakashi. "But put your training weights back on and don't take them off until your match."

They head back down the cliff to Kakashi sensei's house. Tenzou is waiting for them by the door.

"We are ready to leave now," says Kakashi sensei. "Are you coming?"

Sasuke does not think that is a good idea.

"Of course," says Tenzou. "There is no way I'm missing the opportunity to watch kids beat each other up."

"But you're not going to bring Aki and Minoru, are you?" blurts out Sasuke. "The chunin exams is no place for babies."

"I'm bringing Minoru," says Tenzou. "But we're dropping Aki off at the daycare on the way to the arena. She is old enough to understand what's going on, so I don't want her seeing _that_."

"But…" Sasuke tries to protest, in a desperate attempt to stop Tenzou bringing a baby to a future battle zone.

"Honestly Sasuke," says Kakashi sensei. "Minoru will be fine. It's not like he can sense chakra yet, so only the noise is likely to upset him."

Sasuke realizes Kakashi sensei doesn't know about the invasion. "But…"

"Hush," says Tenzou. "It's not like he'll be in any danger."

Sasuke wishes she was allowed to tell them about the invasion.

* * *

Madoka zips up his vest and tightens his ponytail. Then he checks his weapons' pouches and nods firmly. He is ready. This last month of training under Itachi, or her parents if Itachi was throwing up her guts, better have paid off. Itachi's mother didn't know much genjutsu, so those training sessions were focused on kenjutsu. Madoka only trained with Itachi's father a couple of times, and he only did it because Itachi had a mood swing and started crying when he refused to help. Those training sessions were intense. Apparently, Madoka is not nearly strong enough. You would think Lord Fugaku was trying to train him for an invasion, not an exam. Madoka doesn't feel or look particularly stronger.

But he is determined not to make a fool of himself. He knows he is the weakest shinobi in the finals.

Madoka straps his new arm guards into place and sets off for the arena.

* * *

"No, Itachi, you can't come," says Fugaku firmly. "You are grounded."

"Fugaku, she will be safer at the arena with me," says Mikoto. "You wouldn't want to risk her getting hurt because she is alone, would you?"

"What is going on?" asks Itachi, dryly.

"We are under threat of invasion," says Mikoto. "Your father wants to use you being grounded as an excuse to leave you at home. But for the plan to really work, you should be at the arena supporting your little sister. Besides, I will be there, half the clan will be there, and I am sure Shisui will protect Itachi with his life."

"He better not," says Fugaku, thinking Shisui better not get himself killed. "Or I'll bring him back and kill him. My grandbaby will not grow up without a father."

"Fugaku, you did not word that very well," grins Mikoto. "I will take care of Itachi. You go protect the Hokage."

"I'm actually more worried about the village," admits Fugaku. "Be safe, you two." He scoops up Eizo and heads off.

Upon reaching the T and I department, Fugaku lets himself in and finds Ibiki.

"Ah, Lord Fugaku," says Ibiki. "You're right on time. Hey little pirate," Ibiki adds, patting Eizo's head.

"If you uncover anything at all," says Fugaku. "Contact me immediately. Also, make sure Eizo eats a healthy lunch at 12, has a nap straight afterwards, and make sure his nappy is always clean - he gets grumpy if it's not. He still has a bottle, but he also drinks water as well as milk now - there is formula in his bag-"

"Chill, Chief," grins Ibiki. "I know how to look after him. Eizo will not experience any change in his routine. Invasion or no."

Fugaku hands his baby over to Ibiki and heads off to the Hokage tower. Upon arrival, he organizes the Hokage's guards, and briefs the ANBU on their role one last time. He is counting on deputy Kinoko to brief the police and have them in their places. And he is counting on Sasuke to arrive on time for her match.

* * *

Naruto arrives at Training Ground Seven to find Hinata, in her invalid clothes, already there. "Hey Hinata!" Naruto calls.

Sparky, who is perched on Naruto's shoulder, squawks. Sparky hasn't let Naruto out of his sight since he got home from the hospital.

"Oh, um, hi Naruto," says Hinata shyly.

Naruto trots up to Hinata and grins. "So are you better now?" he asks.

"Um, yeah," she says, wringing her hands. "What brings you here?"

"I was just coming here to settle my nerves," admits Naruto. "This is the place where I became a genin, so yeah…" Naruto scratches the back of his head. He feels unusually awkward around Hinata.

"Oh."

"Hey Hinata?"

"Yes, Naruto?"

"How strong is Neji really?"

"I...I don't know. He was holding back against me…"

"Oh." Naruto looks down. He might not be able to beat Neji. What if Neji is as strong as Haku? Or even stronger?

"Naruto, I think you can win!" Hinata says encouragingly.

"Really?" asks Naruto.

"Yes," nods Hinata. "Neji is strong, and more experienced than you, but…"

"But what?"

"Well, when I was fighting Neji, you know, when he was saying all those things about me, it hurt so bad." Hinata stares at the ground. "But when you cheered for me, I felt stronger than ever. He's right, you know. I am weak. But when you cheered for me, it made me feel strong. I know you can beat him, because you have so much strength that you can lend it to other people."

"Hinata…" says Naruto, looking down. "Do you really think that's true? I might seem strong to you, but I'm really not. I can use a lot of fuinjutsu, but I mess up a lot, and I make mistakes. My taijutsu is terrible and I hardly ever hit the target with my shuriken. I can only do a few ninjutsu, and it takes a lot of concentration for me to do them. I act tough, but I'm just trying to hide that i'm a huge failure."

"NO! That's not true!" says Hinata, stepping forward. "Sure, you mess up. But when you do you pick yourself up again. From my point of view, you are Proud Failure. That's what true strength is, I think. The courage to keep going no matter what! That's what make you strong, Naruto."

Naruto stares at Hinata in surprise.

"I admire you so much for that," Hinata finishes, blushing.

"Thanks Hinata," says Naruto, hugging his friend. "You really helped me."

"I'm glad," says Hinata.

Naruto releases Hinata and heads off to the arena. Before he's gone very far, Naruto calls back, "Make sure you come watch me kick Neji's butt!"

* * *

Sasuke is wearing a new outfit. That is all Shino can think about. Instead of her blue dress and white tights, Sasuke is wearing a black, knee length dress with a high, wide collar like most other Uchiha wear, and sleeves that reach halfway to her elbows. Her hair is sky blue and she has rings in her ears. Instead of her usual white tights and wristwarmers, Sasuke is wearing mesh armour leggings, brown elbow guards and bandages on her left arm. She has a belt around her waist to hold her shuriken and kunai holsters. Shino cannot stop staring.

Sasuke sees Shino staring and jerks her head in the direction of their new proctor, Genma. Apparently Hayate's illness got too much for him and he is currently in hospital. Genma has the lineup on a crumpled piece of paper he keeps in his shirt.

The first match is Naruto VS Neji. Shino has a bad feeling about this.

The contestants not participating in the first match are sent up to the waiting area. Shino walks beside Sasuke. He hasn't seen his best friend in a month. Neither of them say anything, but Sasuke seems to be moving slower than usual. Not much, but enough for a shinobi to pick up on.

Once all the contestants are in their assigned places, Genma announces the first match. "Neji Hyuuga VS Naruto Uzumaki. BEGIN!"


	85. Uzumaki VS Hyuuga

Neji stands facing Naruto, eager for this fight. Naruto, Neji believes, is his equal.

"Do you have anything to say to me?" Neji asks.

"Only what I said before," says Naruto. "I WILL beat you, Neji Hyuuga."

Neji smirks, waiting for Naruto to make the first move.

Naruto pulls out a brush and charges forward, painting a design on his hand. "Fuuin: Lightning Cannon!" A burst of lightning shoots out of the design Naruto drew on his palm.

Neji dodges, running behind Naruto, who managed to get in range. Neji strikes Naruto's wrists, carefully blocking his opponent's chakra flow. Naruto spins around, placing the brush between his teeth and aiming a punch at Neji's face. Neji evades him easily, and carefully strikes more of the chakra points on Naruto's arms. Naruto keeps up his attack, but Neji soon realizes he is in control of the fight. He strikes Naruto's shoulder, blocking the chakra point which channels chakra into the arm, sending Naruto flying backwards.

"So it seems like does attract like after all," sneers Neji. "You are just as weak as Hinata."

"Oh shut up," says Naruto, pulling himself up off the ground. "I was just getting a feel for how you fight. But now that I'm done, let's get serious." Naruto makes a handsign Neji is unfamiliar with - one that is basically just a cross. "Shadow Clone Jutsu!" Four more Narutos appear.

Neji inspects them with his byakugan. Naruto's chakra is distributed evenly among the clones, making it impossible to tell which is real. This is no ordinary clone jutsu. Neji adjusts his stance and waits.

All five Narutos pull out kunai and charge Neji but Neji easily fights them off and dispels them. One Naruto is left standing. Neji is disappointed. "I thought you were my equal," Neji says scornfully. "But I was wrong. You are nothing but a talentless loser. There is no place for someone like you in the shinobi world. Give up now while you still can." He remembers Naruto saying something about wanting to be Hokage. "You think you can be Hokage? What a joke. Of all the shinobi in the world, very few ever become Hokage. They were destined to be Hokage: their fate was decided at birth. It is fooling to waste your time being something you can never be. Each person is given their own path to follow, and we all must follow it, obediently, to the end. There is only one destiny we all share equally: death."

"Oh yeah?" sneers Naruto. "You can think that way if you want. But I don't believe it, 'tebayo!" he makes that hand sign again. "Shadow Clone jutsu!" a lot of Narutos spawn this time. Too many to count in the heat of battle, but Neji estimates about 50.

Naruto's clones begin to attack Neji in groups of three or four. As Neji fights them, dispelling them a few at a time, he sees one Naruto holding back. "You thought you could deceive me?" says Neji, turning towards that Naruto, who is obviously the real one.

"Yes," says one of the clones, as four of them box him in, drawing seals in the air like Karin did in her match against Kabuto. Neji realizes what Naruto is about to do and prepares to counter. "Fuuin: Wrath of the Shinigami!"

As the combination of fire, earth, lighting and blizzard bears down on Neji, he activates the jutsu he spent years of hard training alone perfecting. The Heavenly Spin: a technique taught only to the Main House. The fuuinjutsu bounces off Neji's shield and takes out all of Naruto's shadow clones, and sending the real Naruto flying backwards.

Naruto pulls himself into a sitting position. "What was that?" he asks.

"Did you really think you'd won?" asks Neji. What possessed him to to think NARUTO was his equal? "This is the end for you. You are in range, and you can't escape my Eight Trigrams." Neji prepares to launch his attack. The diagram forms on the ground. "Gentle Fist:" says Neji, taking the stance. "Eight Trigrams, 64 Palms." Keeping his movements smooth and fluid, Neji strikes. "Two Palms, Four Palms, Eight Palms, 16 Palms, 32 Palms, 64 Palms!" Naruto flies backwards, blood flying out of his mouth. Neji finishes by slipping back into his normal gentle fist stance as Naruto hits the ground.

The proctor walks over to them and says, "It looks like this is over."

Naruto is still conscious. After a few seconds, he pulls himself back to his feet.

"Impossible!" says Neji, not quite believing his eyes.

* * *

Sparky watches Naruto's match with interest from his perch on Hinata's shoulder. Sparkles was not allowed in the arena, and wants all the juicy details about how Naruto beats up that Neji kid. Sparky could have done that from anywhere, but he is worried about Hinata. While everyone around him is becoming increasingly more impressed by Naruto and Neji's jutsu, Sparky is becoming increasingly worried about Hinata.

Hinata coughs a little and Sparky notices the tiniest speck of blood on the human's hand. Sparky looks around, searching for someone he knows is a medic. There! Right over there is Wind! Except that it is not the Wind he has met before. The clothing is identical, and so is their approximate height and build. To anyone not paying close attention, they would seem identical. There must be two Winds. But everyone who knows anything about Wind knows she is a medic. So either both are medics, or one never goes on missions that require a medic.

Sparky is about to find out. He flies off Hinata's shoulder and swoops over to Wind. He lands on her leg and squawks loudly. Here's hoping this Wind is as smart as the other one. Stupid humans and their under-200 IQ levels! Why couldn't they be smart like him? Heck, even Sparkles is smarter than the humans, and his IQ is only 200-and-something, unlike Sparky's, which is well over 300.

Thankfully, this Wind is as smart as the other Wind. "What's the matter?" she asks, softly. "Perhaps you had better show me."

Sparky flies into the air and swoops back over to Hinata, who is now coughing terribly.

"Hinata!" Kiba is saying. "You must still be injured from your match."

"Hey is there a medic anywhere?" one of the gate guards, who are sitting beside Hinata and Kiba, says.

The other Wind realizes what is happening and rushes over to Hinata. "Excuse me," she says. "May I help?"

"Who are you?" asks Kiba, instinctively moving between Hinata and Wind.

"It is alright," says Wind soothingly. "You can trust me. My name is Wind. She carefully scoops up Hinata and carries her to the back of the stands. Sparky follows, wondering why there are two Winds. Perhaps there are even two Rains.

Sparky struts back and forth beside Hinata while Wind #2 heals her. It would not do for Naruto to win his match only to find that Hinata died during it. Finally the colour comes back to Hinata's cheeks.

Wind stops healing Hinata and says, "She will be alright now, she just needs rest."

Sparky sees the tell-tale glint of contact lenses in Wind's eyes as she turns away, showing the shadowy top half of her face for an instant. Sparky is sure Wind #1 did not wear contact lenses. Ah the plot thickens.

* * *

"Just give up," says Neji. "You're only going to get more of the same. I have nothing against you personally."

"Aw, that's so sweet of you," says Naruto, bitterly. "You're gonna make me cry! You might not have anything against me, but I have PLENTY against you!"

"I don't know what you mean," says Neji, glaring at Naruto. "What could you possibly have against me?"

"Oh so you don't remember?" says Naruto, his voice more acidic than a ten meter square vat of boiling acid. "You don't remember how you beat down Hinata and shattered her confidence in herself, tormenting her with your little mind games?"

"Never mind that," says Neji, dismissively. "It doesn't concern you."

"You're wrong! It does concern me!" snaps Naruto. "Or did you forget that Hinata is my best friend? I don't care about your stupid in-clan quarrel, but don't you EVER hurt Hinata AGAIN!" Naruto glares at Neji. "Why are you so concerned with destiny anyway? Why do you hate Hinata so much?"

"Very well," says Neji, unsure why he suddenly feels the need to tell Naruto his life's story, despite the fact he vowed he would not say anything on the subject before the match. "Since you're so interested, I will tell you about the Hyuuga Clan's Heritage of Hatred."

* * *

"Well, isn't this getting intense?" purrs the leader of the Hidden Sound.

Hiruzen wasn't going to let the leader of the Sound sit in the Kage box, but then he met her and thought it would be gentlemanly to let the lady have the best seat in the house. Besides, the Kazekage doesn't seem to mind. It has nothing to do with the fact that the leader of the Hidden Sound, who refuses to give her name (he has to guess), is a beauty like something out of one of Jiraiya's novels. Such long, flowing dark hair and golden eyes! Such large breasts and such- No. Nothing to do with that. Nothing at all.

"Can't the proctor just call the match already?" grumbles young Rasa the Kazekage. "That Hyuuga has obviously won."

"Oh don't be so grumpy, Lord Kazekage," pouts the leader of the Hidden Sound. "I want to hear all about the Hyuuga clan."

Behind Hiruzen, Fugaku sighs.

"Arg, fine," mumbles Rasa.

Hiruzen wonders where Orochimaru will strike from. Hiruzen will protect the lovely princess from the Hidden Sound if Orochimaru targets her as well. Maybe she'll give him a kiss in gratitude. Just like in one of Jiraiya's novels…

Where is Jiraiya, anyway? He hasn't been in the village for years.


	86. The Caged Bird

"For generations the Main Household of my clan has practiced a secret jutsu known as the Caged Bird Seal," says Neji, reaching up and untying his forehead protector. "It is the mark of those bound to a destiny they cannot escape.

"Is that fuuinjutsu?" says Naruto, staring. "It looks twisted somehow."

"I was four years old when my own grandfather branded me with this accursed seal," explains Neji. "On that same day, a great celebration took place in the Hidden Leaf. After many years of war, a peace treaty had finally been signed with the Land of Lighting. They sent some of their highest ranking officials to sign this treaty, and everyone in the Leaf came out to welcome them: every genin, jounin and chunin. Only one clan was absent: the Hyuuga clan. This was the day on which the heir to the Main household turned three. It was Lady Hinata's third birthday."

Naruto stares at Neji, his attention fully invested in Neji's story.

Neji turns to look up at the stands, where his father and uncle are sitting side by side. "My uncle, Lord Hiashi Hyuuga is sitting up there in the stands right now with my father. But even though they are twin brothers, because my uncle was born first, he was made clan head while my father was branded with the Caged Bird Seal and banished to the lesser branch of the clan."

* * *

 _Neji stands beside his father as the main family meets with the branch family._

" _So, Lady Hinata is three years old," says Neji's father. "Congratulations."_

" _Thank you," replies Hiashi._

 _Hinata grabs her father's yukata and smiles at Neji. Neji smiles back, thinking his uncle and cousin seem nice. "She looks nice, father, don't you think?" whispers Neji._

 _His father gives him a very sad, sympathetic look._

 _Neji's smile fades. "What is it? What's wrong?" asks Neji._

" _Nothing, my son," says his father. "Nothing."_

" _Hizashi," says Neji's uncle firmly. "It's time I took Neji under my wing."_

" _Yes, of course," says Neji's father, sadly._

* * *

"It was then, on the day Lady Hinata turned three," Continues Neji. "that I was branded with this seal and made a bird in a cage."

"ARG!" Groans Naruto. "What is wrong with your clan? Main House, Branch House: what's the point? What's the seal for, anyway?"

"I can assure you of one thing," says Neji, gritting his teeth in anger. "It's not simply for decoration."

* * *

 _Neji is sitting beside his father in the training hall watching Hinata train with her father. Across the room from them, watching with his hawk-like eyes is Neji's grandfather. Hinata's training is not going very well, but Neji can tell she is doing her best. Besides, she's a whole year younger, of course she isn't as good as him._

" _Your kick is still weak," Uncle Hiashi tells Hinata._

 _Hinata nods, and tries again, determined to improve._

" _Neji, your role is to protect and serve Lady Hinata in order to uphold the Mian family," says Neji's father. "Do you understand?"_

" _Yes," Neji assures him. Hinata is nice, why wouldn't he want to protect her?_

 _Then Neji's father activates his byakugan, staring menacingly at Hinata. An instant later, he screams, holding his head in agony. Across the room, Neji's grandfather stands up, making a handsign. He is glaring at Neji's father._

" _Father!" Neji runs to his father's side. His forehead protector has fallen off, and Neji can see the glowing, humming Caged Bird Seal on his father's forehead. His father lies on the floor, screaming in agony._

" _That's enough," says Uncle Hiashi. "Neji, take your father home. I'll forgive the idiot this time, but see that you never forget your place."_

 _Neji's grandfather lowers his hand, and the seal on his father's forehead stops glowing and humming. Uncle Hiashi turns away and heads to the far door. Hinata and her grandfather follow._

* * *

"You see," says Neji. "This is more than a mark we wear: it is also the means by which they keep us in our place. We live with the fear that they will use it to turn our brains to jelly anytime they wish. Fear. That is what we live with every day. Only in death are we free of it. The Hyuuga clan is the only clan that possesses the powerful kekkei genkai, the byakugan. The purpose of the branch family is to protect that secret and the main family for all eternity. That is our destiny. Nothing can change that." Neji feels intense anger welling up inside him. He doesn't care who hears what he is saying. He has to tell someone, and Naruto is willing to listen. "But my Grandfather is not content to simply fry our brains every now and again. No, he treats my father and I like trash. Even Hinata, who is the weakest heir the clan has ever produced, is exempt from his cruelty. But my father and I, who do our best to serve our clan, he hates with a passion. Because my father was not the first born, my grandfather abuses us without pity or remorse. What kind of family is this?!" Neji takes a deep breath. "I cannot escape my destiny - and neither can you. It's your destiny to lose to me, and that's all I have to say."

"Yeah," says Naruto, panting. "Well we won't know that until you beat me."

Neji ties his forehead protector back into place.

"So you have a messed up family," continues Naruto. "And it's been hard for you. I understand, believe me. But that's got nothing to do with destiny. If you think I'm buying that, you're wrong!"

"You will never understand," says Neji, and charges forward, sending Naruto flying backwards with a gentle fist strike to the chest. "Proctor, it's over." Neji turns. "Hm. You're a failure."

"Hey!" says Naruto. "I'm not finished with you yet."

Neji turns back to see Naruto pulling himself to his feet, holding his arm over his chest where Neji just struck him.

"I don't quit," says Naruto, blood running out of his mouth. "And I don't run. That's my Ninja way."

Neji feels a jolt through his entire body. That is exactly what Lady Hinata said in their match! "Heh, I've heard those words before."

"You and your stupid destiny!" growls Naruto. "If you really believe it, why are you the one walking away?"

"You little brat!" snaps Neji. "Why waste my time explaining it to you?" Remembering the time his father told him that he wished he was born a few moments earlier, so that Neji could be part of the main family, Neji is filled with anger. "You don't know what it's like to be branded with a mark that sets you apart. A mark that can never be wiped away!"

Naruto looks up at Neji, and the expression in his eyes mirrors Neji's own eyes. "Yeah," says Naruto. "I know what that's like."

Neji knows it to be true by pain in his opponent's eyes.

"So what?" adds Naruto. "Big deal."

"You little…!" Neji isn't sure why, but he feels slighted. He subconsciously activates his byakugan again.

"Ha! You think you've got problems?" Sneers Naruto. "You aren't the only one. We've all been through the wringer and hung out to dry in a thunderstorm."

 _What?_

"That's what Mr. Nice Police Chief says, anyway," shrugs Naruto. "It basically means we all have s### lives. But that doesn't give us the right to make other people's lives miserable. You hurt Hinata because you were hurting inside, and that is wrong. Hinata cares about you. She knows she is not as strong as you, or even Hanabi, but all Hinata wants is your respect. That's why she fought so hard in the preliminaries, but you… I thought you said it was your destiny to serve and protect Hinata, not beat her to a bloody pulp! Even after all that talk about destiny, you don't believe it, do you?"

Neji scowls. Naruto is right. So very right. How does this kid know so much about him?

Naruto straightens up, ready to resume fighting.

Neji sniggers at him. "I blocked all 64 of your chakra points," he says. "How are you planning on fighting me when you can barely move, let alone mold chakra?"

The proctor looks from one boy to the other, seemingly trying to decide if he should stop the match.

"It's fitting that you should sympathize with Hinata," says Neji, bitterly thinking that Naruto should really sympathize with Neji. "Because you are about to share her fate." He brings his byakugan back to full strength.

Naruto frowns in concentration. Neji can practically hear him trying to figure out how to keep fighting. "Ha," says Naruto. "You think that byakugan of yours sees everything, right?"

"Well of course," says Neji, smoothly. "But if you think you can prove me wrong, go ahead and try!"

"I will," says Naruto. "I'll prove you wrong about a lot of things, starting right now!" Naruto frowns in concentration. He has no chakra left, and both of them know it. But then Naruto seems to hit on an idea or realization. Neji sees Naruto's mouth move, but cannot hear what Naruto is saying. Thanks to the byakugan, Neji reads Naruto's lips. " _Mr. Nine Tails, Sir,"_ Naruto whispers, so low no one can hear. " _Please, lend me some of your chakra."_

Neji wonders who Mr. Nine Tails is. Naruto's imaginary friend, perhaps? But then, from deep inside Naruto, Neji sees an enormous red chakra well up and spread itself through Naruto's chakra networks. The chakra is so intense that it appears in the air around Naruto, making a swirling barrier of translucent red around him. A great wind stirs up the leaves in the arena as the chakra forms briefly into the shape of a fox's head, before vanishing back inside Naruto's body. All of Naruto's injuries, including the ones to his chakra points are healed.

What is that chakra? Where did it come from? Neji is afraid to know.

The strange red chakra wells up from Naruto's feet, encasing him in a glowing red shield that resembles flames. A moment later, Naruto moves so fast he vanishes. He reappears behind Neji and throws a volley of shuriken. Neji uses the heavenly spin to deflect them and catches them. He throws the shuriken back at Naruto, only to find Naruto gone again. Naruto attacks from the side and Neji barely manages to dodge. Naruto is a lot faster. Neji pulls out a kunai, as does Naruto. They both throw a kunai, both catch the other's kunai, and then cross kunai in mid air.

Naruto charges at Neji yelling, "It might be the Hyuuga way to cave in to destiny, but I'll change that - AFTER I BECOME HOKAGE!"

Neji doesn't have time to use his rotation and has to block Naruto's kunai with his own. The power both genin emit in that instant causes a huge explosion. Neji has to climb out of a crater the size of a grave. He sees another hole, this one with Naruto lying in it. Neji walks over to Naruto. "Sorry," Neji says. "But this is reality. You're a failure. This match is over."

And then Naruto bursts out of the ground in a flying left hook that hits Neji square in the jaw, sending him flying into the air. Neji lands on the ground nearby, while Naruto remains standing. "I can't move," pants Neji. He hurts all over. The Naruto lying in the crater dispels, proving it to be a shadow clone. "I should've guessed you'd use the shadow clone jutsu - it's your speciality, after all."

"For the record," says Naruto. "When I was in the academy, there was one jutsu I couldn't do, no matter how hard I tried. The clone jutsu."

Neji is surprised. How could Naruto be so good at the Shadow Clone jutsu if a regular clone is beyond him?

"Don't try telling me all this destiny nonsense," says Naruto. "And don't try telling me you can't change what you are. You can change what you are because, unlike me, you aren't a failure."

Neji stares up at the sky. There is a bird up there, a free one, without a cage. It is flying up to the sun.


	87. An Unexpected Delay

The orange one is finished beating up the kid who thinks he has problems. Pah. One day in Gaara's shoes would crush that pathetic loser. But the orange one...he possesses an interesting power. It is Gaara's turn next. He will fight the blue girl who beat her opponent easily in the preliminaries with some borrowed taijutsu.

Gaara will force the girl to show her true power so that mother will accept her blood. Gaara turns and walks to the stairwell.

There are two men waiting for him. Gaara ignores them. They are not worth his time.

The two men do not seem to realize this as one of them has the stupidity to grab Gaara's shoulder and stop him from going to the arena. "Listen here, kid," says one man. "Our boss has a lot of money riding on this match, so you had better lose."

"Go away if you want to live." These guys are not really worth killing, but one more word that is not "goodbye" and they are dead.

"Don't talk tough to us, brat," sneers the other man. "You're just a genin, but we're _chunin._ "

Dead it is, then.

Gaara walks away a few seconds later, leaving blood splatters all over the walls. He wonders if he should find the janitor and have it cleaned up. Nah.

The orange one is standing on the stairs, staring at the bloody mess Gaara just made. Gaara walks straight past. Someone needs to admire his handiwork, after all. Besides, he has a little girl to kill.

* * *

Fugaku swells with fatherly pride when the proctor, Genma, announces that the next match is "Gaara of the Sand VS Sasuke Uchiha".

"That's my daughter," he says, grinning and pointing to Sasuke.

The ANBU who has come to report to him about the plan's progress sighs and says, "I know."

Lord Third turns to look at Fugaku and the ANBU, and smiles. "There isn't a breach in village security, is there?" he asks the ANBU.

"Not presently," reports the ANBU. "I am here to pass on a message from Deputy Kinoko. She wishes to inform Chief Fugaku that she has solved the pizza mystery, but since the apprentice in charge of the case still has no clue, she is going to laugh at him while he solves it. Deputy Kinoko wishes to report her findings to the Chief after the chunin exams conclude so that you can get in on the fun. That is all."

Fugaku has to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing out loud. "So what did Deputy Kinoko bribe you with to get you to deliver this message, ANBU san?" he asks.

The Anbu leans down and whispers, "Everything is in place - we are now waiting for the attack to begin. Also, the Deputy gave me pizza vouchers."

Fugaku grins. Sasuke and the Sand genin who fought Lee in the preliminaries are standing across from each other.

"Could you delay the match a few minutes?" asks the leader of the Hidden Sound. "I need to use the Ladies' Room, and I don't want to miss anything."

"Of course!" Lord Third and Lord Kazekage trip over themselves and each other to accommodate the woman. Fugaku is fairly sure the leader of the Hidden Sound is manipulating to two men to get the royal treatment. The sad thing is, it is working.

Lord Hokage has one of the other guards tell Genma, then turns towards Fugaku and says, "Would you escort the Lady to ensure she makes it there and back alright?"

"Yes Lord Hokage," says Fugaku, stiffly. He is not pleased about his daughter's match being delayed.

As he escorts the Hidden Sound leader Fugaku studies the woman, who looks around 25. She is tall, graceful, large-busted, has long black hair and golden eyes. Fugaku thinks this woman seems familiar. Aside from the fact she fits the description of a character in Make Out Paradise, Fugaku feels as if he knows the leader of the Hidden Sound.

When the pair arrives at the arena toilets, one of the contestants, Kabuto Yakushi, is leaving the mens' toilets.

"Aren't you one of the contestants?" asks the Leader of the Hidden Sound, addressing Kabuto.

"Yes I am," says Kabuto, smiling.

"That was quite a tough act to follow," says the Hidden Sound Leader, apparently in no hurry to use the Ladies' Room. "Aren't you nervous about your chances?"

"No," says Kabuto. "In fact, I very much look forward to seeing who I fight in the final round."

"You are awfully confident. But I look forward to seeing you in the final round." The woman laughs and heads into the Ladies' Room.

Fugaku wonders what that was about.

* * *

Before going back to the contestants' box, Kabuto heads up to the roof, where a cloaked man is waiting in the shadows for news of the invasion.

"So when will Orochimaru have you give the signal to begin the invasion?" asks the man.

"I am to continue on to the final round," reports Kabuto. "Have the invasion force stand down until further notice."

"Of course," says the man, and shunshins away.

"Did you get that?" Kabuto asks the man waiting in the shadows.

"I will inform the others. You inform Temari." The man vanishes.

Kabuto returns to the contestants box to tell Temari to inform Baki and her team mates of the delay.

* * *

Fugaku returns to the Kage box after what seems like an unreasonably long amount of time.

"Sorry for the wait," apologises the Hidden Sound Leader and sits back down in her chair. She does not sound sorry at all. "Now please, don't let me prevent you from beginning the match."

Fugaku would have choked if he had anything to choke on. Instead, he settled for a dignified face-palm. _I am surrounded by idiots,_ he sighs internally.

"I apologise for the delay," says Genma, his voice carrying around the arena. "But now the second match of the chunin exams shall begin. Sasuke, Gaara: are you ready?"

Sasuke nods and Gaara closes his eyes, inclining his head ever so slightly.

"Very good," says Genma. "Begin!"

The cork pops out of Gaara's gourd and sand spills over the sides. Sasuke runs forward and punches at Gaara, who blocks with his sand. Sasuke punches a few more times, and tries a kick. Fugaku wonders what his daughter is up to. She did watch the fight Gaara had with Lee after all.

Then Sasuke vanishes.

Fugaku leans forward slightly, wondering what, exactly, Sasuke is up to.

Sasuke reappears an instant later, kicking aside Gaara's defending sand. The smile on Sasuke's face shows Fugaku that Sasuke was testing to see if she is fast enough. Sasuke continues her assault on Gaara's defenses, and Gaara get increasingly more agitated.

Fugaku narrows his eyes. How did Sasuke get so fast so quickly? He thinks back the the last month.

* * *

 _At the end of the first day of training, Sasuke drags her feet tiredly and throws herself onto her bed as soon as she can. She does not emerge until her mother summons her for dinner. Sasuke still drags her feet, despite the rest she had. Even though she still looks exhausted, Sasuke goes outside, into their back yard, and attacks the old training post she hasn't paid attention to for years. Fugaku sits by the window and watches._

 _As the days go past, Sasuke's routine does not change at all. She gets home, rests for an hour, then goes outside and beats up the old training post until her curfew. Fugaku watches sometimes, making sure that Sasuke does not notice he is watching. It seems to him that Sasuke is getting faster and faster, but she still moves much, much slower than usual._

 _Once a week, Sasuke takes a break from training with Kakashi (on Fugaku's orders - Sasuke is still grounded, after all). On those days, she goes to the Uchiha training ground, which she is allowed to train in (between certain hours) while grounded, and trains like her life depends on it._

 _By the end of the month, Sasuke is faster than she was before, but something is still odd. Fugaku wonders why Sasuke is wearing legwarmers, when she despises them so much._

* * *

Fugaku jolts out of his musings when he realizes that Sasuke is not wearing the legwarmers right now.

Sasuke runs in a circle around Gaara, kicking up dust. She keeps running, her skirt flying behind her. She is moving much faster than she did while training.

Sasuke had leg weights under the legwarmers, Fugaku realizes.

But why?

Gaara's eyes follow Sasuke for a while.

Sasuke continues to run, no longer visible; only a cloud of dust is visible. Then Sasuke reappears in the air above Gaara, throwing a volley of shuriken down on Gaara. Gaara's sand blocks, but does not quite manage to block the following kick Sasuke aims at Gaara's head.

Sasuke flips backwards and throws a kunai at Gaara. Gaara's sand catches the kunai and throws it back at Sasuke. Sasuke dodges to one side.

Gaara seems to be getting impatient. There is a strange look on his face - a look of bloodlust which unnerves Fugaku. Gaara makes the standard chakra-moulding handsign and his sand begins to form into a round shield, concealing him completely.


	88. Crimes Against Fashion

Arashi is sandwiched between Mikoto Uchiha and young Iruka. On the other side of Iruka, Kazama sits knitting whatever her latest project is. On the other side of Mikoto Itachi is sitting with Tenzou, Kakashi's wife. The two of them are cheerfully fighting over Tenzou's baby, who is currently in Itachi's lap. Kakashi is sitting in the row in front, beside Madoka, Ino and Karin. Karin's mother, whose name Arashi has already forgotten, is sitting beside Ino, as Karin insisted on sitting beside Madoka.

Two... people? Weirdos? Monsters? Blights upon the fashion industry? - Arashi is not sure what to call them - walk over to Kakashi. The smaller one is on crutches and has a heavily bandaged arm.

There is an empty seat beside Kakashi, at the end of the row, where Tenzou was sitting until Itachi arrived. Tenzou had gone from jittery to happy the moment Itachi arrived and moved back a row to sit beside her friend. The smaller blight upon the fashion industry sits down beside Kakashi and says, "I am afraid it is my fault we are late, Kakashi sensei. Did Neji or Naruto win?"

"Lee! You made it!" Madoka leans forward and looks past Kakashi at the small blight upon the fashion world. "Naruto won."

"Kakashi," says the large blight upon the fashion industry. "Your students are doing far better than I thought they would."

Kakashi turns to Gai and and frowns. "Sorry, did you say something?" he asks.

"KAKASHI! YOU ARE FAR TOO HIP AND COOL!" the large blight upon the fashion industry laments, rather too loudly.

"Shut up, Gai," says Tenzou.

"Ah, the beautiful blossom of my eternal rival's heart!" says Gai, by way of greeting.

Tenzou ignores him.

"What is Sasuke doing?" asks Itachi. "That taijutsu is not going to work."

Arashi looks down to the arena, where Sasuke is running rings around her opponent.

"Kakashi!" scold Gai. "You should not encourage your students to copy my moves! Even Lee could not beat Gaara with that taijutsu, so why did you train Sasuke in it?"

"I did not tell Sasuke to copy Lee's moves," says Kakashi. "She did that on her own. Dunno why, but my team thinks it's a good idea to copy each other and their opponents."

"Oh, we're just copying you, sensei," says Makoka.

Mikoto laughs. "They don't call you the Copy Ninja for nothing, Kakashi!"

"Um...question," says Arashi, turning to the older crime against the fashion industry. "Who are you and why are you committing crimes against the fashion industry?"

Tenzou bursts out laughing. Kakashi turns around in his chair, staring at Tenzou, an expression of shock on his face. Tenzou holds her sides and continues to laugh, one hand over her mouth.

"Kakashi sensei!" Naruto runs up to Kakashi from in between the rows and grabs ahold of Kakashi's vest. "Kakashi sensei, you have to stop the match!"

"Naruto, calm down," says Kakashi. "Sasuke will be fine."

"But that Gaara kid thinks his purpose in life is to kill people!" protests Naruto. "He killed two people on his way to the arena! He's not right in the head!"

"Naruto," says Kakashi firmly. "Just watch."

Tenzou is still giggling, but in a much more subdued fashion.

"What are you talking about?" asks Mikoto. "What, exactly, is that kid's problem?"

Naruto turns, a look of anguish on his face. "He's just like me, but he had to find his way alone."

"What do you mean, 'just like you'?" asks Madoka.

"He's a-," says Naruto, but stops and bites his lip.

"A wh-" Madoka breaks off mid sentence when he sees Gaara surround himself in a solid dome of sand. "What is that?"

Arashi is a little miffed he never got an answer to his question. "It's probably a shield of some kind," he says. "Now could someone please tell me who the giant green crime against the fashion industry is?"

Tenzou bursts into fresh laughter and Naruto laughs along with her. Then Naruto grins and says, "That's Giant Eyebrows sensei. He's Neji, Lee - that's Lee sitting next to Kakashi sensei - and Tenten's sensei."

"Giant Eyebrows?" Arashi frowns.

"My name is Might Gai!" The man himself proclaims.

"But sensei," Naruto turns his attention back to Kakashi. "If the match goes on, Sasuke might die!"

"Naruto!" Kakashi snaps, out of patience. "Be quiet and watch Sasuke, she is about to surprise you."

Down in the arena, Sasuke is running up the arena wall.

* * *

Fugaku frowns when Sasuke runs up the wall. Not because he is doubting her tactics, but because he is not so sure that is the best thing to do in a dress. Fortunately, Sasuke knows the ancient, sacred kunoichi art called The Clothing Stay in Place Jutsu. If Sasuke had not known that jutsu, Fugaku would have made his daughter wear only trousers and turtlenecks. And tuck all her shirts in. Or wear overalls.

Fugaku snaps himself out of his thoughts and focuses on Sasuke. What is his little girl doing? Her eyes are closed, and she seems to be psyching herself up for something.

Then Sasuke opens her eyes, and they are spinning, red sharingan with two tomoe per eye. She starts making handsigns: Monkey, Dragon, Rat, Bird, Ox, Snake, Dog, Tiger, Monkey.

"Chidori!" says Sasuke, as a singing ball of lighting encases her left hand.

Fugaku becomes aware he is staring, open-mouthed, at his daughter. When did she awaken the sharingan?

Sasuke charges forward, the Chidori making a trench in the wall and then the ground. Sasuke charges straight at the solid shell of sand, dodging the spikes the jap out at her, trying to halt her forward charge. Then Sasuke slams the chidori into Gaara's shield, penetrating it with ease. There is a pause, in which the whole arena is hushed.

"BLOOD!" Gaara's distressed shriek carried clearly through the shell of sand. "IT'S MY BLOOD!"

Sasuke's eyes widen and she tries to pull her arm out of the hole she made in Gaara's shield. The sand travels up Sasuke's arm, all the way to her shoulder, holding her in place.

Sasuke activates her Chidori again, but Gaara's sand grabs her left leg and her side. The shield dissolves, exposing a distressed Gaara, holding a bleeding shoulder. His other arm is outstretched, controlling the sand he is directing towards Sasuke.

A mental image of Rock Lee, crushed beyond repair, floats in front of Fugaku's eyes.

Fugaku leaps down into the arena.

"Sand Coffin!" says Gaara.

The sound that comes out of Sasuke is so far beyond a scream it pulls the breath right out of Fugaku's lungs and makes his blood freeze in his veins. Fugaku plants himself between Gaara and Sasuke, his Mangekyou Sharingan blazing for all to see. "Stand Down!" he orders, taking control of Gaara's movements with his eyes. Gaara's sand falls to the ground.

"Why?" screams Gaara, holding his head. "WHY!?"

But Fugaku ignores him, catching Sasuke before she can hit the ground. Her left side from the shoulder down is crushed and bloody. "Daddy?" whimpers Sasuke, her eyes closing.

"Stay with me, Sasuke," begs Fugaku. His eyes are burning.

Medics rush out, taking Sasuke from Fugaku's arms, laying her on a stretcher.

"No pulse! No heartbeat!" The medics' hands glow as they examine Sasuke's injuries. Then, one by one, they all step back, shaking their heads. One of them pulls out a white sheet, and lays it over Sasuke, covering her face. They lift the stretcher, carrying Sasuke out of the arena.

Fugaku follows along behind, leaving a stunned audience behind him.

Gaara is still kneeling in the dirt, holding his head and groaning in agony.

"The winner is Gaara!" announces Genma, without any enthusiasm.

Nobody makes a sound.

Why did they put a sheet over Sasuke's face? She won't be able to breathe like that.


	89. Devastation

"Kakashi sensei, why did they put a sheet over Sasuke?" asks Naruto, shocked and distressed.

Karin does not want to hear the answer. She knows.

"Naruto…" Kakashi says, his head in his hands. "That means Sasuke is…"

"She's dead." Tenzou does not mince her words, they drop like stones.

Naruto's eyes widen. Then he pushes past Tenzou, Itachi, Mikoto, Arashi and Iruka to climb into his grandmother's lap. Kazama wraps her arms around Naruto, who hides his face in her shoulder and doesn't make a sound.

Sasuke is dead. Sasuke is dead.

Karin does not even know Sasuke that well, but for some reason she feels sick. She gets up and runs to the Ladies' toilets, making it just in time to throw up into the the toilet. Her mother appears beside her, patting Karin's back. "It's alright, Karin. This is normal in the shinobi world."

"It shouldn't be!" snaps Karin, turning to latch onto her mother.

"I know," says Karin's mother, sadly. "But you learn to see it and not hurl your guts up after a while. It doesn't get any easier though. But we must endure."

* * *

Fugaku stares at the white sheet covering Sasuke. What does a white sheet mean again?

"Sir, please," says one of the medics, patiently. "You need to move out of our way, we have a job to do."

Fugaku keeps staring at Sasuke. His eyes are still burning. He rubs at them, but that does not make it any better.

"Lord Fugaku," says a woman, and a hand is placed on his shoulder. "Your daughter is dead."

Fugaku turns to look at the woman. She is ANBU. He does not recognize the mask, though. "She can't be dead," says Fugaku.

"She is dead," repeats the strange ANBU - on second thoughts, that is an ANBU mask, just one that hasn't been used in a while. "But you cannot mourn until the day is over. You must return to your post."

Fugaku stares at the ANBU. then he turns and looks at Sasuke. Then he turns back to the ANBU. He must be there for the Hokage when the invasion starts. "But who will watch over Sasuke?" he asks.

"I will stay by her," says the ANBU. "You MUST return to your post. This is the shinobi world: we cannot grieve the fallen until the battle is won, or the battle will be lost." The ANBU pulls a pair of sunglasses out of her cloak. "Now put these on to hide your eyes, and go back to your post."

"Why do I need to hide my eyes?" asks Fugaku.

"Look in the mirror," says the ANBU, holding up a small hand mirror.

Fugaku looks. Then he puts on the sunglasses to hide the tears. He pulls back the sheet covering Sasuke's face. She looks happy. Was it because he held her at the end? Fugaku leans forward and plants a kiss on his daughter's forehead.

Then he goes back to his post.

* * *

Deputy Kinoko leaps down to where the North Patrol is scouting the area. "What's the status?" she asks.

"Nothing to report," says Kyabetsu, the patrol leader.

"Nothing from the other patrols either," says Kinoko. "I wonder how far into the exam they are planning to attack."

Kyabetsu mutters something that sounds like, "If they're even coming."

Kinoko rolls her eyes. Kyabetsu is not the only one who doubts that an invasion is coming, but Kinoko trusts the Chief. His plan is set up so that all foreigners will see is tightened security for the Chunin Exams, nothing to worry about or be alarmed by. If nothing happens, that is all the public will think. If something happens, they will be glad security was tighter. The whole plan is simple but brilliant, although the whole thing hinged on half the clan having a legitimate excuse to go to the Finals.

Kinoko hopes Sasuke will do well, win even. She's a talented kid.

* * *

Naruto is heavy in Kazama's lap. He has not moved for a long time. She keeps her arms around him though, noting that Iruka is holding Naruto's hand.

Mikoto and Itachi are crying their hearts out. The moment Mikoto started crying, Arashi put his hand on her shoulder, only for Mikoto to turn and weep on his shoulder. Tenzou has her arms around Itachi, who is still clinging tightly to Minoru. Arashi has an arm around Mikoto, but he keeps looking over at Naruto to see if Naruto has moved, or made a sound, or even started to cry.

Down below them in the arena, a boy named Shino is preparing to fight a boy named Kankuro.

"Shino Aburame Vs Kankuro," announces the proctor.

"Your brother killed my best friend," says Shino.

"I'm sorry," says Kankuro. "Gaara is in a delicate mental state."

"I only wish to tell you that I am not going to take it out on you," says Shino. "This is a fight between shinobi - feelings do not matter."

"Oh."

"Begin!" commands the proctor.

Kankuro pulls out an ugly puppet, and Shino sends out a cloud of insects. The pair of them fight, Kankuro trying to keep away from the insects and Shino trying to avoid the puppets. They seem to be in a bit of a stalemate until Shino does not dodge fast enough and gets cut. Then Kankuro is swarmed by insects, collapses, is unable to move and is declared the loser. Shino explains that in that brief moment of contact, he sent one of his female beetles down the chakra strings connecting the puppet to Kankuro, and all the male beetles in the hive swarmed Kankuro in excitement.

Kankuro grins and says Shino is lucky he won when he did, or Kankuro would have won. Then he pulls out a small injection needle with a brightly coloured liquid in it and tosses it to Shino. "That's the antidote to the poison I coat my puppet's weapons with. The poison would have knocked you out long enough for me to be declared the winner, then killed you after a few hours, during which time you may or may not have woken up, and I would have given the medics the antidote," explains Kankuro. "Inject yourself with that anywhere, the antidote works straight away."

Shino does so and heads back to the contestants' box.

Mikoto and Itachi's crying has lessened, but they are still soaking the shirts of their respective comforters.

The next match is between Shikamaru and another sand ninja, this one a young lady named Temari. Shikamaru outsmarts her after retreating, kneeling down and thinking for a bit. He makes use of the tunnel Naruto made when he dealt Neji the final punch. Kazama is surprised Shikamaru hasn't surrendered…

"I give up," says Shikamaru, who has Temari trapped in his Shadow Possession jutsu, and is obviously in control of the match.

...There we go.

Shikamaru then makes some excuse about this whole affair being troublesome, him not having enough chakra to finish the match, and also being disappointed because this was fun and he had the next 200 moves planned out.

Kazama pats Naruto's back comfortingly and shakes her head. "No surprises there, Shikamaru always did hate exerting himself."

Ino turns and says, "Asuma sensei told Shikamaru that if he fought in his match he could sleep and watch the clouds tomorrow, but if Shikamaru forfeited without even trying, Asuma sensei would work him into the ground tomorrow. Looks like Shikamaru chose the option with less energy use involved."

The next match is not of any particular interest to Kazama. The only contestant from the Hidden Sound who made it to the finals is fighting a boy from the leaf named Kabuto. Kabuto obviously has the Sound boy totally outclassed and wins in a matter of minutes.

After that, Naruto's teammate Madoka has his match. His opponent, apparently a member of Karin's team, puts up quite a fight before succumbing to Madoka's genjutsu. Kazama is preoccupied wondering if Naruto will snap out of his stupor long enough to fight his next match.

Oh no. Naruto is fighting Gaara next.

* * *

Eizo-Mori is colouring in a picture of a girl and a kitten. By 'colouring in' Ibiki means 'scribbling all over the page with a blue pencil in one hand and a grey pencil in the other'. Like all toddlers, Eizo does not bother keeping inside the lines. The girl is mostly blue and the cat is mostly grey, though. Eizo stops colouring and frowns at the picture. Then he smiles and nods once. Eizo puts down his pencils and holds up his fat colouring book. "Pretty Nee-chan!" he tells Ibiki.

Ibiki smiles. What an adorable kid. "That's a very nice picture," he tells Eizo. And he means the picture, not the colouring. Eizo doesn't need to know that, though. "I am sure your sister will love it."

Eizo smiles, showing his tiny teeth. Then he slaps the book down, rifles carefully through the pages, selects a picture of a unicorn and starts scribbling all over it in bright pink and orange.

An ANBU enters and whispers in Ibiki's ear, "The patrols have found nothing as of yet. We are all on standby."

The ANBU vanishes and Ibiki is left wondering if it was really necessary to inform him that the invasion hasn't started yet. He can tell that for himself.


	90. Two Jinchuuriki

"We will now begin the second round!" announces Genma. "Would Naruto Uzumaki and Gaara of the Sand please come to the arena."

A hush falls over the arena. Naruto stirs. He lifts his head, climbs off his grandmother's lap and walks down to the railing separating the audience from the arena. He jumps down into the arena.

Gaara is nowhere to be seen.

"GAARA!" Naruto yells. "GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE AND FIGHT ME!"

In a swirl of sand, Gaara appears opposite Naruto. "Forfeit and I will spare your life."

"How about we go all out?" says Naruto. "No screwing around with pathetic jutsu: throw everything you've got at me, and I'll throw my best at you."

"Why do you still wish to fight me after you have seen what I can do?" demands Gaara. "Why throw your life away when you could forfeit and live?"

"Because you killed my friend," says Naruto. "So I can't let you leave without settling the score!"

Gaara laughs maniacally. "And that's exactly why you can't win. As long as you fight for the sake of others, you will never advance beyond your current level. Only one can remain undefeated, and only he will know what it feels like to truly exist. Forget your friends: fight for yourself."

"You're insane," growls Naruto. "Forget my friends?"

"If you let trivial feelings like friendship and loyalty cloud your focus you will die!"

"Keep talking while you can!" says Naruto. "I'm about to shut you up for good, dattebayo!"

"Begin!" commands Genma.

Naruto glances up at Iruka-nii, making sure that he is doing what Naruto asked. While he was sitting on his Grandmother's lap, Naruto used a chakra link to tell Iruka-nii that he will need lots of space to fight Gaara, and to ask if Iruka-nii would put up one of the barriers they learned from the Temple of Joe Scrolls. Naruto sees Iruka draw the seal and activate the barrier.

"Let's get to it, then," says Naruto, pulling out a kunai and throwing it straight at Gaara. Gaara's sand rises to block the kunai, and Naruto shunshins behind Gaara, punching him in the back of the head.

Thank you, Shisui.

Gaara stumbles forward and sends a wave of sand at Naruto. "How dare you!" Gaara growls.

"What happened to you?" askes Naruto.

"I told you already," says Gaara, directing his sand at Naruto.

Naruto erects a barrier to block it. "I know, but that's not enough! Surely there is more to it! I know there is more you are not telling me!"

"WHY DO YOU CARE!?" demands Gaara, as Naruto glares into his eyes.

"Because I was once like you," says Naruto. "I was alone too. I understand, Gaara. You can talk to me."

"HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME?" screams Gaara.

"THAT'S WHY I WANT YOU TO TELL ME!"

"Fine, if you must know…"

* * *

As Kazama listens to the crazy Sand genin's story, she feels an immense sadness come over her. This little boy is so much like Naruto it hurts. Gaara's father is a Kage, like Naruto's. Gaara is avoided, mistrusted, feared - like Naruto. Gaara had an uncle looking after him, an uncle who loved him. Naruto had foster parents who shut him in his room and pretended he did not exist. Someone leaked the information that Naruto is a jinchuuriki when he was three years old. Everyone knew what Gaara held from the beginning.

Children called Gaara bad names because their parents did, and ran away from him when he just wanted to play. He couldn't control the sand that leapt to attack anyone who hurt him. The only children who did not bully Naruto, ignore him, make fun of him or run away from him were his friends. Gaara never had any friends.

Kazama finds herself wiping tears out of her eyes as Gaara tells how Yashamaru taught him about love. She has to pull out her handkerchief when Gaara recounts his attempt at apologising to the boy he hurt earlier on the day he is telling Naruto about. Kazama is glad, at least, that that dangerous sand stopped Gaara from getting hurt. Naruto often came home with bruises he claimed he got from falling over or training. Kazama never called him out, but she always knew that those bruises came from villagers who hate Naruto. She would hug him and tell him to be careful, while trying not to find and murder the little #### who hurt her grandbaby.

Poor little Gaara held onto his sanity by the thread that connected him to his mother. Naruto holds on because he has her and Arashi and Iruka, and that little gang of troublemakers. Gaara only had Yashamaru and the promise that his mother loved him.

And in the end, that was taken from him.

How would Naruto react if his family was taken from him? Would he go crazy too? Would he somehow hold himself together?

Kazama is finally beginning to understand the harsh reality of the shinobi world, and she does not like it.

* * *

Rasa's knuckles turn white as he grips the the arms of his chair. What he did to Gaara never really sat right with him, but it was necessary for the village's safety.

But to hear it from Gaara's point of view…

To learn for the first time that Gaara was just beginning to understand love, just beginning to realize what it means to love another…

And Rasa took it all from him…

But there is no room for regret when you are a Kage. What he did was necessary.

Rasa steels himself, makes his face blank.

Judging by the expression on Gaara's face, he is about to go beserk. They will all see then why he must destroy Gaara before he destroys the Hidden Sand.

* * *

Fugaku's eyesight is a little blurry and damp. He is glad for the sunglasses. He knows that most people will probably guess he is wearing them to cover his tears, but tears fall.

Fugaku's tears haven't stopped falling for a while.

Not since that child who killed his daughter started telling Naruto its backstory.

Fugaku clenches his fists in anger, keeping himself from strangling the Kazekage. How could Rasa be so cold and heartless?

Sasuke…

Fugaku starts shaking, partly in anger, partly with grief. How could any man be so cold as to deliberately kill his own child, when it is so hard to bear losing one by another's hand?

This sweet child was turned into a monster by his own father.

Oh Naruto, what strange power do you posses that makes your enemies tell you their life stories?

Most shinobi hope their enemy won't spill their sob-story, and sit quietly to listen when it happens. But Naruto demands the stories. What is he trying to accomplish?

If he is given the chance, Fugaku has WORDS and VIOLENCE and GLARES he wants to direct at Rasa. Along with some DISDAIN and SCORN and CONTEMPT. Oh and let's not forget the ANGER and DISAPPROVAL and did he mention the VIOLENCE?

Lord Third Hokage turns to Fugaku and motions him forward.

Fugaku steps up to the Hokage's side and lends the old man his ear.

"Chief Fugaku," whispers Lord Third. "If you need to take a moment to vent or calm yourself, please do so."

"Lord Third, I will grieve once the day is won," whispers Fugaku. "But don't take it too badly if I try to murder Rasa."

Lord Third smiles sadly and says, "Very well. But don't try to murder the Kazekage where anyone can see."

"You really shouldn't be encouraging me," says Fugaku, nearly smiling. Nearly. The smile doesn't quite make it to his mouth.

* * *

Time seems to stand still for Naruto as he stares at Gaara. Gaara is finished speaking now. He is waiting for Naruto to respond. Naruto's mind can only think of one thing.

 _Did my parents love me? Or was I born to hold the Nine Tails? How could they? Why did they?_ All these thoughts spin in Naruto's head as he stares at the boy who is a mirror image of what he could have been if Iruka hadn't found him that night.

Naruto would have been alone. He would have had to find his own way.

Naruto is not certain, but he thinks perhaps he would have lashed out at the people around him and turned out like Gaara.

Naruto looks up at Gaara. He has a match to fight. "So that's your story, huh?" Naruto says quietly. "But that doesn't give you any right to kill people to justify your own life!"

"SHUT UP!" screams Gaara. "YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND! WHY DON'T YOU SEE THE ONLY WAY TO BE STRONG IS TO FIGHT ONLY FOR YOURSELF?"

"It is not," says Naruto. "I don't know where true strength comes from, but plenty of people who have something other than themselves to fight for are strong."

Gaara's sand envelops him, changing his appearance on just one side of his body. A strange yellow and black monster's face, arm and tail attach themselves to Gaara's right side.

Is this a transformation of some kind?

Naruto looks into that yellow eye, with the diamond shaped pupil, and feels afraid.


	91. Chief Toad Returns

Naruto has no choice but to stay out of Gaara's way. If he could stop for a minute, he could draw a seal, but he does not dare stay still for a second. Naruto is fast at drawing seals, but not as fast as Karin, or Iruka-nii. Heck, Iruka-nii can activate seals he knows well with his MIND.

Naruto isn't that good. So Naruto runs for his life.

There is one thing he can do, though. "Multi Shadow Clone Jutsu!" Naruto makes a hundred clones and has them all run in different directions to confuse Gaara.

Gaara attacks the clones at random, his transformation getting worse and worse, encompassing his whole body by the time all Naruto's clones are dispelled. Naruto himself is crouched in one of the arena trees, trying to figure out what to do next. Should he summon Gamabunta now, or wait? Summons are allowed - Naruto checked. It's just that most genins _can't_ summon, nor would they need to, so usually summoning is not something commonly seen in the chunin exams. Looking at the rampaging, half transformed Gaara, Naruto makes his decision.

"Summoning Jutsu!" Naruto casts his jutsu, glad that he thought ahead and had Iruka-nii put up the Spacial Distortion Barrier. There is a puff of smoke and a tiny toad in a mini version of Gamabunta's outfit appears. "Gamakichi?!" Naruto recognises this toad from his backpack.

"Wassup?" asks the little toad. "So what are we playing? Do you have any snacks?"

"Aw, I was trying to summon the Chief Toad!" Naruto whines.

"ARE YOU MOCKING ME?" screams Gaara, attacking Naruto and Gamakichi.

Naruto grabs Gamakichi and dives out of the way.

Gaara's attack goes wild and hits the barrier, putting a crack in it. If that barrier breaks…

"YES!" Screams Gaara. "BREAK! BREAK SO I CAN KILL ALL THESE PEOPLE!"

"I won't let you!" says Naruto, clasping his hands together to mold his chakra. Gamakichi sits on Naruto's head, shaking a little. Naruto will protect the baby toad too. "This fight is between you and me!"

"Where did you get all that power?" yells Gaara, fear colouring his voice.

Naruto stares down at his hands. He summoned more chakra than he ever has before. "I don't know," he admits. "I guess it was always there."

"How?" demands Gaara. "How do you have so much chakra?"

Naruto feels positively superior. "I am an Uzumaki. I always have a ton of chakra." Naruto makes a couple hundred Shadow Clones and beats up Gaara with them.

Then Gaara freaks out and yells, "I won't lose to a guy like you!" Smoke envelops him.

Naruto feels a sense of nausea as the Spacial Distortion seal enlarges the space inside it to accommodate Gaara's new transformation.

When the smoke clears, a giant racoon dog towers above Naruto. If it were not for the seal which increases and decreases the amount of room inside it according to how much room is needed, this giant beast would have crushed the stadium.

"What is that?" asks Gamakichi, huddling into Naruto's hair.

"That is Shukaku, the One Tailed Sand Racoon-Dog," says Naruto. "We can't take this guy on alone." Naruto yelps as sand envelops him. Only one way out.

"Sand Coffin!" says Gaara.

"Summoning Jutsu!" says Naruto.

The space inside the barrier grows twice as large. Gamabunta appears in a cloud of smoke. "What? You again?" he says. "What's got you in a jam this time?"

"Dad!" whines Gamakichi. "Shukaku is picking on me and my new friend!"

"Is that right?" says Gamabunta, his eyes narrowing.

"Yeah," says Gamakichi. "We were gonna play after this, right Naruto?"

"Yeah," says Naruto, catching on to what Gamakichi is up to. "I was gonna introduce you to Sparky." Up in the stands, Sparky squawks.

"Don't forget the snacks," adds Gamakichi.

"Yeah!" says Naruto. "Like chips and dango and stuff. I know where to get the good stuff."

"ARE YOU IGNORING ME?" demands the transformed Gaara. "I'll kill you!"

"Is that right?" says Gamabunta, grabbing his sword and drawing it out of its sheath. "You kids hang on tight. Chief Toad's gotta kick some Tailed Beast Booty."

Naruto hangs on tight with his chakra.

Gamabunta leaps forward and cuts off the giant raccoon-dog's arm. The arm dissolves into sand. Gamabunta's sword flies through the air, landing a few meters away, blade down, sticking out of the ground.

Gaara's body rises out of the top of the Raccoon-Dog's head.

"What is he doing?" asks Naruto.

Gamabunta takes a good look at Gaara. "He's probably going to release Shukaku. I can see the signs of insomnia that mean, if he falls asleep, Shukaku will take over. If that happens, we will have a much tougher time of it."

"Oh." Naruto checks the place where the crack in the barrier was. The crack is fixed, but it could easily be broken again. "Hey, Chief Toad?" says Naruto. "We need to avoid hitting that barrier. If it breaks and the jutsu come undone, the amount of space in here will go back to normal and we'll crush the stadium, then Gaara and Shukaku will kill everyone who survives that."

"That's quite a problem," says Chief Toad Gamabunta.

Gaara starts making handsigns. "Play Possum Jutsu," he mumbles, and falls forward, his eyes closed. Something changes, and all at once, Naruto feels an oppressively strong chakra.

Shukaku throws his hand up in the air and yells, "WOO! I'm BACK, baby!"

"He's kinda groovy," comments Gamakichi.

"Nah," says Naruto. "He's lame. Toads and foxes are WAY cooler than stinky raccoon dogs."

"Naruto! We need to wake the jinchuuriki if we are going to have any chance of beating this thing."

"Right!" Naruto nods.

"I'll get in close, you give him a good punch in the face!"

Gamabunta charges in. "Liquid Bullet!" he announces, firing off a giant ball of water at Shukaku.

Shukaku shoots a blast of air at the jutsu, blowing it away. Gamabunta lands on the far side of Shukaku. The space inside the barrier is simply enormous now. Gamabunta fires off another Liquid Bullet, which Shukaku counters with another blast of air. Gamabunta keeps charging forward, only to be hit by a follow-up blast.

Shukaku rejoices, "I did it! I killed him!"

Gamabunta descends on Shukaku saying, "That kinda hurt! Another couple of those, and you might kill even me!" He grabs Shukaku's shoulders and says, "Now's your chance, Naruto!"

Naruto starts forward to hit Gaara, but Shukaku shakes off Gamabunta and backs off. "You're gonna need to keep a grip on him if I'm to get a shot in!" says Naruto.

"For that I need fangs and claws!" says Gamabunta. "And I don't have any of those."

"So what do we do, then?" asks Naruto.

"Simple: transform into something that has what we need!" says Gamabunta. "But I'm not too good at the transformation jutsu, so you'll have to do it. We'll join our chakra and do a combined transformation. Ready?"

"I don't know what to change into!"

"Think of something!" snaps Gamabunta.

 _Fangs and claws, fangs and claws…_ Naruto gets ready to perform the jutsu. _What has fangs and claws…? Of course!_

"Transform!" Gamabunta and Naruto cast the jutsu together. The strangest sensation comes over Naruto as the transformation kicks in.

* * *

Deputy Kinoko checks in on the south patrol. "Any sign of the invasion?" she asks.

"Nothing to report, deputy," says the patrol leader.

"There is nothing from the other patrols either," says Deputy Kinoko. "What's taking so long?"

"Maybe there isn't going to be an invasion," suggests the patrol leaders. "Maybe that spy was lying."

"I don't think so…" Deputy Kinoko feels a twinge of doubt. The spy did refer to Orochimaru as 'she', something the Chief, the Hokage and the TI department are all scratching their heads over. Maybe he was delusional with fear. "But it's better to be prepared - just in case."

Deputy Kinoko does a quick scout of the area and heads over to check in with the East Border Patrol.


	92. Biju Sized Therapy

Iruka is barely managing to maintain the barrier. It's not that it takes a lot of chakra, it's more that he has to constantly adjust the size it is on the inside. But if he fails, the stadium will be crushed. ANBU and ordinary shinobi are gathered around the barrier.

"Let us in there!" one of the ANBU says.

"NO!" snaps Hayate, from his perch on the arena wall next to Iruka. "I say when the match is over."

"But that's a bijuu!"

"And that's a giant toad! What's your point?"

"Don't disturb my concentration!" snaps Iruka. "Keeping this barrier up is difficult enough as it is."

And then Naruto and the Chief Toad transform into the Nine Tailed Fox.

Iruka closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, calms himself. It's just a transformation. And in that instant where Iruka is not paying attention, Shukaku wacks the barrier with his tail, cracking it. Iruka fights to keep the barrier up, but it is slipping from his grasp.

* * *

Gamabunta and Naruto charge Shukaku in the form of Mr. Nine Tails Sir. They are faster, they are nimbler, they dodge and weave around attacks. They grab Shukaku with their claws, holding him still. Naruto sees Shukaku hit the barrier with his tail, cracking it. On the other side of the barrier, Iruka-nii is an alarming shade of white. If they don't stop Shukaku soon, Iruka sensei might collapse.

Naruto and Shukaku release the transformation jutsu. Naruto leaps down, punching Gaara in the face.

"That should'a done it!" Says Gamabunta.

"Aw, come on!" whines Shukaku. "Gimme a break, I just got here!"

Gaara straightens up, awake. "How dare you interrupt my jutsu! Sand Coffin!"

Just as Gaara's sand reaches Naruto, Gamabunta's tongue wraps around him, deflecting the jutsu. But then the section of Shukaku's skin below Naruto turns to sand, trapping him. Gamabunta's tongue retracts as Shukaku shakes him off.

Naruto looks at Gaara, then at the crack in the barrier, then at Iruka-nii, who looks ready to collapse. This jutsu must be harder than either of them thought. Naruto cannot break free. _Mr. Nine Tails, Sir_ , says Naruto. _I need your help to defeat Shukaku. Please, lend me your chakra!_ An overwhelming amount of Mr. Nine Tails Sir's chakra fills Naruto, enveloping him and making his forehead protector fly off and his jacket come open. Naruto leaps out of the entrapping sand and aims a flying punch at Gaara's face. Sand rises to stop Naruto, holding back his fists. Naruto headbuts Gaara, hitting him with the only part of his body that will reach.

For a brief moment, everything seems to go silent as blood runs down Naruto's forehead and Gaara's forehead. Then Shukaku begins to crack, dissolving into sand, kicking up a huge dust cloud. Naruto falls into it, hearing Gamabunta announce he is leaving. The giant toad and his son leave, along with the sword sticking up out of the ground. Naruto feels the barrier break, and the size of the arena go back to normal. He flips backwards, landing on top of one of the arena trees. Across from him, Gaara does the same.

Naruto and Gaara stare at each other, panting.

"That's it," says Naruto. "I've got no chakra left. And it looks like you've got none left too. You and I are a lot alike, more than you know."

Gaara leaps forward, and Naruto mirrors his movements. Both genin aim a punch at the other, but Naruto's connects, sending Gaara flying to the ground. Naruto falls down a short way away.

* * *

Two boys, both jinchuuriki, lie on the arena floor with bleeding wounds on their foreheads. One boy cannot move, he is too sore. The other rolls over and drags himself across the ground, towards his opponent.

 _What is it,_ thinks Gaara. _That makes him so strong? I will not let myself fade away into nothing!_

Naruto drags himself towards Gaara with his chin, too drained of chakra to move his body.

 _He is five years old again. He is alone. No one will look at him. He cries, wishing someone would look at him._

" _What are you doing? I told you not to talk to him!"_

" _Watch out! It's HIM again! Why don't you just go away! You freak!"_

" _Freak!"_

 _He is older. A hand lands on his shoulder, and he looks up into the eyes of the Police Chief. The Chief smiles sadly at him. "Just hold your head up high," he says. "And pretend it doesn't bother you."_

" _Monster boy! Evil Uchiha! Figured you'd get along…"_

Gaara stares at Naruto, dragging himself along the ground.

 _He is five years old again. He is crying._

" _Freak! Why don't you just die!"_

" _He's a monster! Don't even look at him!"_

" _Go away!"_

 _Their backs are to him. He is alone._

 _He is always alone._

Both boys can see what the other is thinking. Both know what the other is feeling.

 _I am simply a relic of the past they all wish would disappear,_ Gaara's voice echoes in Naruto's mind.

 _The most painful thing in the world is to be unwanted. Unneeded. Completely alone,_ Haku's words echo in Naruto's mind.

 _But in order to live you need a purpose. To exist for no reason is the same as being dead,_ Gaara's words return to Naruto.

"Stay away!" Gaara says, afraid of the strength inside Naruto. "I forfeit! Just stay away!"

Naruto stops advancing and looks up at Gaara. "It hurts, doesn't it?" he asks. "The pain of being alone. I know that feeling. I've been there, in that dark and lonely place. But now I have people who mean a lot to me, and I won't let anyone hurt them."

"But why?" asks Gaara. "Why would you do this for anyone but yourself?"

"Because they saved me from myself," explains Naruto. "They were the first to notice me, the first to care. They rescued me from my loneliness. They are my friends."

 _Love is the heart's desire to watch over someone,_ Yashamaru's word come back to Gaara. _The desire to protect them from all harm - like my sister did for you, Gaara._

"Love?" mutters Gaara. "Is that the thing that makes him so strong?"

Naruto tries to get up, but the proctor says, "That's enough. The match is over. The winner is Naruto Uzumaki."

Medics rush out, lift the two boys onto stretchers and carry them away.

The audience is silent. In fact, the only sound is that of the leaves dancing in the wind.

* * *

 _Where the tree leaves dance, one shall find flames. The fire's shadow will illuminate the village, and once again, tree leaves shall bud anew._

Hiruzen has seen many things in his time. But never before has he seen the Will of Fire awaken in quite this manner. He watches the leaves dance in the wind as Naruto and Gaara are carried out and feels an immense pride swell up in his chest.

 _Were you watching, Minato? Did you see that, Kushina? Your son just awakened the strongest Will of Fire I have seen since the First Hokage. And that boy from the Sand…_ Hiruzen smiles and turns to Rasa. "Don't be surprised if your son starts behaving differently from now on."

Rasa just stares at him.

* * *

Rain sits on the stadium roof, above the Kage box. No one knows he is there because he is well camouflaged. He is good at camouflage. Heck, he could use Naruto's orange jumpsuit as camouflage in maze of mirrors.

Rain smiles down at Naruto Uzumaki. _Yahiko...Sensei...your dreams, your hope of peace… This boy might just be able to do it. Twice now he has touched the heart of another by knowing their pain._

 _Perhaps your dream is possible after all._ Rain leans back and looks at the sky. _Perhaps we can bring peace to the world by talking and understanding. I didn't quite believe it...She did, though. She trusted you from the start._

Under his mask, Rain smiles.

 _I believe it now. The Will of Fire. The ability to change. Peace through negotiation. I believe it all._

 _Yahiko. I will follow you to the end. And I will believe in this boy._


	93. Temari Goes on the Warpath

It is Temari's turn now. Gaara is down. Kankuro is down. Temari is the only one left. She is gonna do her team proud. Temari is gonna beat this bug boy and advance to the final round, and then punch that Naruto boy because NO ONE picks on Gaara (except Temari, she's his sister it's her JOB).

Temari marches down to the arena. The bug boy teleports down in a swirl of bugs. Tamri could have flown down on her fan, but she feels like _marching. Stomp, stomp, stomp._ So what if Gaara likes to kill people? They are ninjas, for crying out loud! Temari stomps up to the bug boy.

"Look," she says. "I literally don't give a f### that my brother killed your little girlfriend. I am going to kick your ass, and then I am going to beat up that Naruto kid for picking on my brother like that. Making him tell so many personal things in front of so many people! The nerve…"

"Um…" The Bug Boy looks nervous. "She wasn't my girlfriend…"

"Temari Vs Shino Aburame!" says the proctor. "Begin!"

Temari goes straight to the offensive, pulling out her fan and casting her jutsu at Shino. "Wind Scythe Jutsu!"

Shino's body blows apart, scattering bugs everywhere. It was a clone of some kind. Bugs rise out of the ground. Temari fries them with her wind chakra shield. Gaara isn't the only one with a nifty shield.

Shino appears, a cloud of bugs swarming around him. Temari is already ready with another vortex of cutting wind. The jutsu catches Shino, sending his bugs flying everywhere.

Temari does not stop to let Shino get up. She marches over and punches the bug boy in the face, knocking him out.

"Um, Temari wins," says Genma, checking to see just how knocked out Shino is.

Temari stomps back up to the contestants box and stands beside Kabuto with her arms crossed and thunder in her eyes. The orange kid is going down.

* * *

When Shino wakes up he finds himself in a small hospital-like room. There are other bed there, of course. Gaara is in one, Neji is in another, and Kankuro in a third. Shino rolls out of bed and makes his way to where his dad is sitting in the audience with the old Ino-Shika-Cho trio. Shino plonks himself down beside his dad and sits there, staring at the floor. He won't cry. Not now, not ever. Sasuke doesn't like it when people cry.

Sasuke…

Now Shino is crying, and he cannot stop. His dad puts an arm around his shoulders and just sits there beside him. Shino did his best to hold back the tears, but once that Sand girl called Sasuke his little girlfriend, all his resolve broke down. Shino gave up because he needed to cry. Why did Temari calling Sasuke Shino's girlfriend make Shino want to cry? Because Shino is in love with Sasuke.

* * *

Madoka is crying. Tears have been falling unchecked from his eyes since Sasuke was carried out of the arena with a white sheet covering her. He fought Sai with tears in his eyes, and he will fight Kabuto the same way.

Kabuto does not seem to mind, though. "I'm afraid this is where the exams end for you," Kabuto tells Madoka. "I will advance to the final round."

"You have to beat me first," says Madoka.

"Madoka Haruno VS Kabuto Yakushi!" says Genma. "Begin!"

Madoka immediately starts layering Kabuto with genjutsu.

Kabuto brushes aside the genjutsu as easily as if they were cobwebs.

"How?" Madoka asks, taking a fighting stance. "How did you brush off my genjutsu so quickly and easily?"

"Dude, I'm an advanced medic," says Kabuto, adjusting his glasses and grinning. "Chakra control is my game. Noob." Kabuto seems to vanish. A second later, he is behind Madoka, injecting chakra into his neck, knocking him out.

* * *

Naruto is scoffing down all the food Iruka-nii can bring him. He needs to build up his energy again. He can't fight on no energy.

"You know, you could just eat a soldier pill," grins Iruka-nii.

"I know, budd I wan' 'a ead prabba foo," says Naruto through his mouthful.

"Naruto, they're calling for you," says Ino, running into the medical room where Naruto is scoffing his food in amongst his previous opponents and everyone else who ended up in there. If only Sasuke was there too. At least that way she'd be alive…

"Come on, Naruto!" says Ino. "If you don't get out there, they will assume you can't fight another round and disqualify you!"

Naruto jumps up. "Don't worry, I got this!" He jumps up and runs to the arena, shoving more food into his mouth as he runs.

"Hey Iruka sensei, have you seen Karin and her Mum?" Ino asks as Naruto dashes out the door. "They never came back after…"

Naruto thinks they probably went home, but doesn't dwell on it. He has a match to fight. He makes it to the arena and skids up beside Kabuto and Temari. "Hey, Kabuto!" he grins. "Oh, hi Temari."

"Hello Naruto," says Kabuto, smiling and adjusting his glasses.

"I am going to f### your s### up," says Temari.

"Are the three of you ready?" asks Genma.

"Yes."

"Of course."

"Hell yeah, dattebayo!"

"Good! Temari VS Kabuto Yakushi VS Naruto Uzumaki!" announces Genma. "BEGIN!"

The three genins stare eachother down, standing in a triangle, waiting for someone to make the first move.

"Hey Temari," says Naruto. "There's no way either of us could beat Kabuto alone, right? So how about we team up and take him out, then you and I can fight it out between us."

Temari glares at Naruto. "Fine," she agrees. "If you can immobilize him, I'll knock him out."

"You got it," says Naruto. There is one seal Naruto can activate without drawing the seal first - he can create the seal with chakra and activate it with handsigns - no need for ink. Ink is for beginners and fuuinjutsu you are testing or learning. Naruto is getting ever closer to being a master, but he still has a long way to go. "Fuuin: Temporal Distortion!"

Kabuto is trapped instantly in the seal that slows down whatever is inside it when it is activated.

"Hit him with whatever will knock him out," says Naruto. "The seal is only slowing down Kabuto - your jutsu won't be affected."

Temari whacks Kabuto over the head with her fan and blasts him with a Wind Scythe Jutsu. Kabuto starts to slowly lose consciousness. Naruto releases the seal and Kabuto falls to the ground, unconscious.

Genma checks Kabuto. "Kabuto is out. The match will continue once he is removed from the arena."

Once the medic have taken Kabuto out of the arena, Temari demands, "Why didn't you use that seal before? It seems like it would have been incredibly useful."

"Oh, I wanted to get them to talk to me," shrugs Naruto. "That's the kind of seal you use when you want to own someone or stop them from falling to their death, or whatever."

"Hmph," says Temari. "About that: you shouldn't have made Gaara tell you his story in front of everyone! If you wanted to know about him, you should have talked to him in private!"

"Are you mad at me for getting Gaara to tell me all his woes?" asks Naruto. He learned the word 'woes' from Pervy Sage.

"No! I am mad at you because you did it in front of so many people!" yells Temari, her hands on her hips. "Don't you know what 'there's a time and a place' means?"

"Um...I think Grandma says that sometimes…"

"ARGH!" Temari growls in annoyance. "You are an idiot! This is not the right place to get people to spill their sob stories! A match in a competition is not the right time to learn people's reasons for living! You are a moron, and you bullied my brother into revealing personal things in front of a large crowd of people! That is why I am mad at you!"

"Oh." says Naruto. "So… do you wanna tell me your life's story?"

"HELL NO!"

"Then let's fight, 'tebayo!"

"Wind Scythe Jutsu!"

"Multi Shadow Clone Jutsu!"

* * *

Deputy Kinoko is back at the North Patrol. Kyabetsu and his team are seriously doubting an invasion now. However, something is brewing in the deep recesses of Kinoko's brain. Fact: the captured spy was not wearing any village markings. Fact: the spy referred to Orochimaru as she. Fact: the spy was wearing clothing similar to that of the Hidden Sound Genin. Fact: The Leader of the Hidden Sound is a woman with long black hair and golden eyes. Fact: Orochimaru has long black hair and golden eyes. Fact: Orochimaru changing his sex is not outside the realm of possibility.

What do all these facts point to?

Orochimaru is the leader of the Hidden Sound.

Orochimaru has already infiltrated both the village and the Hokage's defences.

"Deputy Kinoko?" asks Kyabetsu, sounding concerned. "You have your 'I just cracked a case' face on. What did you realize?"

"Orochimaru is the leader of the Hidden Sound!" says Kinoko. "I must get word to the Hokage before the invasion begins!"

"You will do no such thing." All six members of Kyabetsu's patrol team draw their weapons and activate their sharingan. Kyabetsu smiles and adds, "We cannot let this invasion fail."

"You…" Kinoko can hardly believe what she is hearing and seeing. "You are traitors?"

"Yes, us and the South Patrol team too," says Kyabetsu. "But now that you know the truth, we cannot let you live."


	94. Fear is a Funny Thing

Hiashi sits rigidly in his chair watching Naruto's first non-therapeutic fight. He has a rough idea how this will end: with Naruto winning. It's the getting from point A to point B that will be the interesting part. What is Naruto planning?

Let's face it: Naruto is always planning something.

Temari's Wind scythe jutsu blows away a fair amount of Naruto's clones. All the clones that are left start drawing seals in the dirt.

"Fuuin: Earthquake jutsu!" says one clone, activating his seal. The ground inside the arena shakes violently, knocking Temari off her feet. The stands shake a little, but are mostly unaffected. It seems Naruto has learned to control the radius of the earthquake.

Hiashi approves.

While Temari is still knocked down, all the other Naruto clones release their seals simultaneously. Hiashi estimates around fifty seals go off at once.

"Maelstrom of the Whirlpool!" announces about ten of the Naruto clones. Fire, earth, lightning, water, air, ice, paint bombs, itching powder, seaweed, spitballs, stink bombs, glue and feathers, stale pancakes, kunai, shuriken, glitter, raw eggs, tomato sauce and pencil shavings erupt in the air, all aimed at Temari.

What in the name of the Sage of Six Paths? Hiashi nearly screams in terror. Nearly: his sense of dignity wins. He is just glad Kushina will never see, know or get her hands on this particular attack.

Temari avoids the attack by flying into the air on her giant fan. She still ends up with a little glitter and paint on her, though. Temari stays afloat while the dust and everything else settles.

Naruto dispels his clones and looks up at Temari. "Is that how you want to play it?" He asks, crossing his arms. A serious expression on his face, Naruto begins to rise off the ground. "Well then, let's settle this in the sky, dattebayo."

Hiashi is barely managing to contain his mirth.

"You can FLY?!" Temari says, staring at Naruto. "You know that seems like a trick you could've pulled out many times by now!"

"Yeah, but I was saving it for the final match," shrugs Naruto. "And I'm glad I did, 'cause now we can have an awesome aerial battle!"

Hiashi senses the fear levels in the audience reach heights that make the fear levels displayed when Naruto transformed into the Nine Tails look puny. Did something happen? Hiashi looks around the arena. Everyone is staring at the floating Naruto, in perfect control of that anti-gravity seal, and shaking in fear. Hiashi realizes the audience is more afraid of a flying Naruto than the Nine Tailed Fox.

Hiashi forgets his Hyuuga pride and laughs out loud.

This is just too funny.

"Ah, Hiashi?" whispers Hizashi. "Are you okay?"

"Yes... _hahaha!..._ the kid finally manages to... _bwahaha_..control that seal... _hahahaha_ ….and everyone is terrified... _hahahahaha…_!" Hiashi falls off his chair, overcome with mirth.

* * *

Kabuto wakes from the state Naruto and Temari put him in. There is only one explanation for what just happened: you never mess with a woman on a mission. Temari was on a mission and Kabuto was in the way. Kabuto smiles. Now that he is knocked out of the exams, it is time to get Lady Orochimaru's invasion plan started.

Kabuto rises and heads out to the stadium. Down in the arena, Temari and Naruto are exchanging blows, kunai and shuriken in midair. The audience looks terrified, except for Hiashi Hyuuga, who is rolling about on the floor laughing. Kabuto takes advantage of the audience's collective distraction to cast a genjutsu over the stadium. He looks over at Orochimaru, sitting in the Kage box, and nods.

Orochimaru signals to Kabuto to finish his role in the invasion proper: i.e. take one of Chief Fugaku's children prisoner - preferably the baby or the pregnant one - so they have some leverage to use against him. Kabuto grins and heads off to find the person he really works for: his mother.

Kabuto does not plan on kidnapping any young Uchihas.

* * *

Deputy Kinoko runs through Konoha, trying to reach the stadium to warn the chief that Orochimaru is the leader of the Hidden Sound before the invasion starts. Behind her, Kyabetsu and the rest of the North Patrol chase after her. She could take them all on, but she needs to get word to the Chief.

She needs to get this information to the Chief, or the Hokage…

 _Boom._

"Looks like it's too late," says Kyabetsu, landing in front of Kinoko.

"Deputy Kinoko!" one of the village patrols is running towards them. "The stadium is under attack, and the invasion has begun in the South!"

Kinoko swears. "The North and South patrols are traitors! The Hidden Sound is under Orochimaru's command!"

"Kyabetsu, you're not a traitor, are you?" asks the officer in charge of the village patrol. "It's not true, is it?"

Kyabetsu activates his sharingan. "Did you honestly think we would just _let it go_? The way the village treats us, even now? The Chief forbade a coup d'etat, but you know what? Not all of us believed his speech about hope and _the Will of Fire_. Those clansmen that deserted the village? They went to Orochimaru and we - 12 of us - stayed here and spied on the village." He laughs, throwing his head back, sounding like a madman. "The Chief's plan was foolproof! You know, Orochimaru was going to kill and impersonate the Kazekage, but once we told her all about the Chief's plan, she decided to leave the Kazekage alive to deal with Fugaku."

"What are you talking about?" demands Kinoko. "Why would Fugaku's plan require Orochimaru to leave the Kazekage alive? What's the Kazekage got to do with it? Is…" the gears in her brain start turning. All the contestants in the exam were knocked out except the Sound, Sand and Leaf. "...is the Sand part of the invasion force too?"

"You are too smart for your own good, _Inspector_ ,"grins Kyabetsu. Then he attacks Kinoko, and Kinoko looks into Kyabetsu's ruthless, cold eyes and knows she will have to use _that_.

* * *

Hiruzen is not sure where to look: at Naruto, who is flying - legit FLYING - or at the Hidden Sound leader's chest. It jiggles every time she moves. Hiruzen wonders if he is blushing.

"Lord Hokage," says Fugaku stiffly. "Someone just cast a genjutsu over the stadium."

How could he have missed that? Jiraiya wouldn't miss an ant crawling across the floor while he is stone drunk and in the climax of passion. _I must be getting old and senile. Time to retire. Just as soon as I figure out who to appoint as Fifth Hokage…_

"Lord Hokage!" snaps Fugaku. "The village is under attack, stop daydreaming!"

"You're getting old, Sarutobi sensei," says the Hidden Sound leader, smiling from behind those golden eyes….

"Orochimaru…?" Hiruzen's blood runs cold. Hiruzen is not sure if he is more shocked that Orochimaru is the Hidden Sound leader or that he spent the last few hours fantasizing about his former pupil.

"Why yes, I am Orochimaru," smiles the Hidden Sound leader, reaching up and patting her old sensei's cheek. "And I am here to kill you, sensei."

* * *

Temari pauses in her fight.

Naruto stops with his fist poised to punch. "What's the matter?" he asks.

"The invasion's started," Temari tells him. "It was a stupid plan from the start...why did Father agree to it?"

"What invasion?" asks Naruto.

"The Sand and Sound joined forces to attack the Leaf," explains Temari. He might as well know what's going on.

"Why?" asks Naruto.

"Because the Leaf got too big. The Sand is losing all its business to the Leaf, and the elders all feel helpless."

"Oh. I didn't know that."

"Gaara was supposed to be the miracle that saved us," Temari doesn't know why she is saying this. "Kankuro and I didn't have the right kind of chakra...as far as our father is concerned, we are failed attempts to create a perfect jinchuuriki to be the main fighting power in the Sand."

Naruto grins. "I guess you couldn't resist telling me your story after all!"

"Shut up!" snaps Temari. "I need to go make sure my brothers are okay! Are you going to stop me?"

"Nah, I have to make sure my friends and family are okay," says Naruto. "Just don't you dare hurt any Leaf citizens or shinobi, 'tebayo."

"Right," nods Temari, and heads off to find where they put her brothers. She finds them in a hospital-like room that is obviously set up with the assumption that all of the exam finalists will need treatment of some kind.

Gaara is still out cold, but Kankuro is sitting up flicking through a magazine. He looks up when Temari enters. "Has it started?"

"Yes, it has," Temari confirms. "But we are staying out of it."

"What, Naruto just let you go?"

"Yes...he's an odd boy."

Six Leaf ANBU walk into the room and surround Temari and Kankuro. "Come quietly and you won't get hurt."

Temari stares at the ANBU. There is no way she can fight this many ANBU alone. She remembers her promise to Naruto not to hurt anyone from the Leaf. Temari nods. "Alright, just don't hurt my brothers."


	95. The Spinning Eye

Orochimaru grabs Lord Hokage and leaps onto the roof. Fugaku tries to follow but Rasa plants himself in the way. "I am your opponent, Fugaku," says the Kazekage.

"Get out of my way, scum," says Fugaku with as much disdain as he can muster. "You are barely worthy to clean my shoes."

"How dare you!" Rasa straightens his spine indignantly. "I am a KAGE and you are just the head of Konoha's least favourite founding clan!"

"Oh yeah?" snaps Fugaku. "Well at least I didn't turn my children into psychopaths!"

"I did only what was necessary for the safety of my village!"

"Did you even think for a moment that there might be a better way?" demands Fugaku. "That perhaps you could teach the boy control instead of hoping the problem will sort itself out?"

"You do not understand!" yells Rasa. "You are not a Kage!"

"No, but I am the head of Leaf security, and I also have three children," says Fugaku calmly, crossing his arms with all the scorn he can muster. "And what you did is inexcusable and despicable." Fugaku closes his eyes and takes off the sunglasses the ANBU lent him. Fugaku is glad that Lord Third found some people to fill old ANBU masks and make up numbers. It's been a while since Fugaku has seen the Turtle mask, but they needed more ANBU to cover the whole village. Fugaku takes a deep, calming breath. The village is well protected. Then he opens his eyes and says, "Once I have shown you just how displeased with you I am, I am going to stop Orochimaru."

"What...what is that?" stammers Rasa. "What are those eyes?"

"When an Uchiha experiences emotional trauma, that Uchiha gets an eye upgrade," says Fugaku, calmly pocketing the sunglasses and slipping into his favourite taijutsu stance. "First sharingan, then mangekyou sharingan, then eternal mangekyou sharingan-"

"Is that what you have? Eternal Mangekyou Sharingan?"

"Oh Rasa, you idiot. This is not so simple a doujutsu. This is the Rinnegan: the next stage up."

Rasa's face says he knows he messed up.

* * *

"What are those eyes?" asks Kaybetsu, taking a step back, away from Kinoko.

"Do you remember what happened to my family?" Kinoko asks. "These eyes are their parting gift. These eyes are the Mangekyou Sharingan."

"Those eyes are impossible!" Kyabetsu tries to deny what he can clearly see, what everyone can clearly see. "An impossible legend!"

"No, no they are not," says Kinoko, and attacks. "They are the secret of this plan's success: my Mangekyou: the Chief's Mangekyou: Shisui's Mangekyou."

Her sword locks with Kyabetsu's.

"You knew?" Her traitorous clansman asks. "You knew there were traitors amongst the Uchiha?"

"The Chief has been watching you since you stood in that meeting and called the Chief a coward for abandoning the coup," says Kinoko. "He had a feeling that you were up to something. But to betray the Leaf?" She shakes her head. "We thought better of you."

"Your mistake," sneers Kyabetsu, as their respective followers catch up with what is happening and decide to fight.

The crash of metal on metal serenades the beginning of the battle between the loyal Uchihas and the traitorous Uchihas.

* * *

Itachi feels the genjutsu fall. She sits up, her vision blurry with tears. Tenzou has her ANBU face on. "The invasion has started," says Itachi, standing. She must put her grief aside for now.

"Invasion?" asks Tenzou. "What invasion?"

"You would know if you were not retired from ANBU," says Itachi's mother, carefully propping Arashi up on his chair. "We have been expecting Orochimaru to invade the Leaf during the Chunin exams since they started. Sasuke knew...her being here was supposed to…"

"To give the Uchiha clan a reason to be here," finishes Tenzou, with little feeling. "So she knew. That's why she tried to talk me out of bringing Minoru."

Tenzou takes Minoru from Itachi's arms and stands, ready to fight.

"Protect the people under genjutsu," orders Kakashi, pulling out a kunai.

"I should take Minoru away from here," says Tenzou.

"No, he will be safer here," says Mikoto. "Why do you think we brought Itachi? She is safer where the strongest shinobi in the village can protect her."

"Since when did Itachi need protecting?" asks Tenzou, confused.

"Since Shisui got her pregnant."

"HEY!" Naruto yells, flying in. "What's going on?"

"The village is under attack," says Shisui, shunshining over from his spot on the opposite side of the stadium. He was sitting as far away from Itachi as he could in case Mikoto decided to murder him. Fugaku promised not to, but Mikoto made no such promise.

Shinobi in Hidden Sound and Hidden Sand uniforms are fighting various Leaf shinobi around the stadium. The Uchiha clan is doing its job and fighting the invasion force.

"I know the village is under attack," says Naruto. "But what's the counter-attack plan, 'tebayo?"

"How do you know about the invasion?" asks Kakashi.

"Temari just told me."

"And where is Temari?"

"She said she had to go check on her brothers, so I made her promise not to hurt anyone from the Leaf and let her go," explains Naruto. "She thinks the invasion is stupid anyway. Why is everyone passed out, and where is Hinata? Sparky was with Hinata, where is Sparky? Have you seen Shikamaru and Choji? How come Karin and her mum aren't here?"

"Naruto, stop talking and go find them," says Kakashi.

"But what about Grandma and Grandpa?" asks Naruto.

"I will protect them," says Iruka, rising from his seat.

"But you're still so low on chakra!" protests Naruto.

"Don't worry, Naruto," says Kakashi. "I will help. Now off you go and find your little girlfriend."

"What makes you think Hinata is my girlfriend?" asks Naruto, genuinely confused, cocking his head to one side. "What makes you think that?"

"Um...never mind, just go find her," says Kakashi.

Naruto flies off to find Hinata and Itachi begins to wonder how it is that Kakashi only need to say the word and Naruto obeys. With a little argument or a demand for an explanation, true: but he obeys. Will wonders never cease?

Might Gai is already kicking aside Sound invaders with great pizzazz. Not to be outdone, Kakashi joins in, asking what the score is so he can catch up, which he does with great finesse.

Shisui looks around and, a moment later, shunshins all over the stadium, taking care of threats no one else could have reached in time.

Itachi's mother is locked in battle with a Sand jounin who has a veil covering half his face.

"Die, Leaf scum!" a Sound ninja charges at Itachi from behind. Itachi turns and stares the man in the eyes.

It is time to test her new power.

* * *

Orochimaru does not release Hiruzen until they are on the roof and a barrier has been erected around them.

"Orochimaru, what have you done to yourself?" asks Hiruzen, wondering why Orochimaru is a woman now.

"I have discovered the key to immortality," laughs Orochimaru. "All I need to do is transfer my soul to a new body. Perhaps you recognize this one? One moment, and I shall show you what she used to look like." Orochimaru passes her hand over her face. Her hair shortens and takes on a blueish tint. Her eyes change to black and her face sharpens and changes colour. "Do you recognize me, Lord Hokage?" asks the strongest of the Uchiha women who deserted the village alongside Mizuki.

Hiruzen feels an immense sadness wash over him. He has failed so many of his shinobi. "Where are the rest of them, Orochimaru?" Hiruzen asks. "What happened to those Uchiha?"

"They are all dead," says Orochimaru. "You can thank that meddling pair Wind and Rain for that. Only this one survived the attack, so I took her body, since mine was destroyed by that annoying duo." Orochimaru smiles. "Perhaps you would prefer me to fight you with a face you know?" she asks. Orochimaru passes her hand over her face, and when she takes it away, Orochimaru has the face Hiruzen knows as his fallen student's. All Orochimaru's feminine features are gone.

Hiruzen resolves to fight. "Tile Shuriken!" he turns the roof's tiles into shuriken and sends them hurtling towards Orochimaru.

"Hidden Snake Hands!" a blue snake shoots out of Orochimaru's mouth and bites Hiruzen's neck. Hiruzen switches with a mud clone. Orochimaru is a little surprised.

Hiruzen reappears behind Orochimaru, turning the roof beneath him to mud, causing Orochimaru to go slipping and sliding down the tiles. Orochimaru jumps away, but Hiruzen has his next attack line up already: An Earth Dragon Missile combined with a Fireball that would make the Uchiha clan jealous. The jutsu seems to blow Orochimaru away, but Hiruzen knows better. "Stop acting, Orochimaru."

Orochimaru laughs and rises from the ground. "You're underestimating me, sensei," he says. "Let's stop messing around and fight like grownups."

Hiruzen smiles and throws off his Hokage robes, revealing the combat gear underneath. Both he and Orochimaru start to build up their chakra, causing the roof tiles to crack. "If you don't live up to expectations, I might send you back to the Academy for more training," Hiruzen jokes.

Orochimaru and Hiruzen charge each other, each prepping his attack. Hiruzen lanches a Shuriken Shadowclone Jutsu, and Orochimaru…

Orochimaru stops and uses the Edo Tensi. Three coffins rise out of the ground, however, one is coming up very slowly. Hiruzen jumps on the opportunity to stop one of the coffins from rising. He can tell by the nameplates who these people are, and he cannot fight all three at once.

The Third Coffin sinks back into the ground.

The two remaining coffins crash open, revealing the First and Second Hokages.


	96. Hormones and Science

Fugaku stares down Rasa, wondering which of his newly acquired powers he should use. Should he pull out Rasa's soul? Ooh, how about the Almighty Push/Pull? Nah. He will definitely absorb whatever Rasa throws at him, though. What to do, what to do… so many choices…

"Looks like the kids have vacated the arena," says Rasa. "How about we take this down there?"

"Sure, why not," agrees Fugaku. "All the more room for me to kick your butt in."

Rasa and Fugaku leap down into the arena. They face each other and take fighting stances. Fugaku notes that the proctor is up in the stands, defending the knocked out audience.

The Summoning! Fugaku always liked summons. Now he has some new ones through the rinnegan, so why not use one? "Well Rasa of the Gold Dust," grins Fugaku, excited to test his new power. "Let's see if your fighting prowess is worth its weight in gold."

Rasa sneers at Fugaku. "You're awfully cheerful for a man who just watched his kid get murdered in front of him."

"LET ME COPE BY KILLING YOU!" Fugaku screams, his hard-won self control slipping. "Rinnegan Summon!" He slams his hand down, calling on the most powerful of the rinnegan summons.

* * *

Deputy Inspector Kinoko looks at the six Uchiha traitors with her Mangekyou Sharingan. She can see their chakra better than with her normal sharingan. Kinoko has had the Mangekyou for a long time, but she has never really used it. She read the sacred tablet with it, of course, but she has never used it for anything else. However the village is in danger, so Kinoko will use the power her dead family left her. She is not really sure what her unique power does.

"You are outnumbered, and soon the village will be overrun," says Kyabetsu. "I suggest you surrender." He flips backwards, freeing his blade from hers.

Kinoko frowns in surprise. Black lines erupt all over Kyabetsu's body, lines that decode his entire fighting style and predict his next 400 movements, right down to the slightest muscle twitch. Is this her power? The other traitors adjusts their stances and weapons. The same black lines appear around them, telling Kinoko exactly what all six are going to do next.

Her eyes are not just predicting what these idiots plan on doing, they are _decoding_ her enemies' entire fighting styles. What an appropriate power for a detective. Kinoko grins and intercepts Kyabetsu's attack - an attack she should not have been able to predict, let alone counter.

"How…?" Kyabetsu asks, jumping back as soon as his sword touches Kinoko's. The Mangekyou re-analyses his next movements before their blades have met and parted.

"Nothing is hidden from my eyes," says Kinoko, stating the truth. She stabs behind her, killing the traitor who had the bright idea to attack her from behind while Kaybetsu had her distracted. "Stay out of this," she adds, turning to the Village patrol, which was about to step in and help. "I can read every move they are about to make."

"But Deputy…!" the patrol leader protests.

Kinoko's Mangekyou is already decoding the five remaining members of the North Patrol. "Go and apprehend the South Patrol! Inform everyone they are traitors! Get a message to the Chief-" here she spins and cuts off Kyabetsu's arm as he tries to run past her and stop the Village patrol from leaving. "-this is of the utmost importance, now go!" She kicks Kyabetsu in the head, knocking him out.

The village patrol runs off and Kinoko attacks the remaining four members of the North Patrol. Within seconds they are all dead. She turns back to Kyabetsu and kneels down beside him, checking to see if he is still alive. He is. Kinoko pulls out some bandages and stops the bleeding from his severed arm. Then she drags him off to the Torture and Interrogation department. On the way she passes a few medics rushing a child to the hospital. It seems casualties are already mounting.

Upon reaching the T and I department, Kinoko leaves Kyabetsu with Ibiki's minions, along with the names of the other traitors. Ibiki is feeding the Chief's baby his lunch. Is it really midday already? Kinoko leaves to help fight back the invaders.

* * *

Hiruzen Sarutobi, Third Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaves stares at his predecessors. Hashirama Senju, the First Hokage, and Tobirama Senju, the Second Hokage, step out of their coffins.

"Why Orochimaru?" asks Hiruzen. "Why are you doing this?"

"Well," says Orochimaru, smiling. "I was on my period and felt like destroying the Leaf. So Kabuto and I made some plans - yes, Kabuto works for me - and we got in touch with the Sand. The Kazekage was willing to help us because he thinks the Leaf is taking all his business. But then my period ended, and I didn't really want to invade the Leaf anymore. (Must've been hormones. One of the downsides of wearing a woman's body.) It seemed like a shame to waste all that planning though, so I decided to roll with it. Originally, we were going to invade during Gaara's match, but I was on my period again - obviously it's gone now that I'm back to being a man - and I really wanted to see the whole tournament. Kabuto wanted to fight all the way to the final round, so I told him he could, that's how the invasion force knew of the delay. Kabuto passed on the message."

"You…" Hiruzen cannot believe his ears. "You decided to invade the Hidden Leaf because of PERIOD HORMONES?!"

"Pretty much," says Orochimaru. "The female body is a confusing thing. I've been wearing one for nearly nine years now - this is my fourth one - and I still haven't finished analysing it."

"Wait…" Hiruzen is not sure what to think of this. "Are you wearing a female body for _science_?"

"Among other things," says Orochimaru, pulling out two tagged kunai and slipping them into the backs of the two reanimated Hokage's heads. "Now let the battle begin."

The tags are to control the reanimated Hokages. Hiruzen has no choice but to fight them.

* * *

Jiraiya is researching his next book. He had a dose of inspiration and now he must research his idea. And yes, that does mean investigating different female body-types at the hotsprings. No, he is not shamelessly peeping. It is _research_!

Jiraiya hears a crash nearby and turns to see what is going on.

The village is under attack by giant snakes. Jiraiya leaps to his feet and summons a few toads to defend the hot springs! Oh, and the village too. Can't forget the village.

But the lovely ladies at the hotsprings shall know nothing of these snakes! Jiraiya fights with all the pizzazz he can muster and beats back the snakes. The snakes vanish in puffs of smoke. Summons.

 _Orochimaru._

Jiraiya surveys the area in search of more threats to his research. Not far off he finds a group of police fighting each other. What is going on? Jiraiya heads over to investigate. "Hello! The great Jiraiya is here!" Jiraiya announces himself. "Why is the esteemed police force fighting amongst itself?"

"Lord Jiraiya!" one of the police squeaks. "What's he doing here? We didn't plan for this!"

"Lord Jiraiya!" one of the other policemen says, bowing. "Please help us! Members of our clan have turned the village over to Orochimaru!"

"Eh?" this does not make sense. "I thought you Uchihas were faultlessly loyal to the village."

"Well, not really…" the Uchiha asking for help blushes. "Not all of us...not all the time...Please help us! We cannot beat these six with just five of us, and the Deputy isn't here yet, and…"

"Calm down," says Jiraiya. "I've got this. Which of you are on the village's side, and who's on Orochimaru's side?"

The Uchihas divide themselves up, five scuttling over to hide behind Jiraiya, and the remaining six repositioning themselves in a tight formation, ready to fight him.

Jiraiya thinks of the girls, happily bathing in the bathhouse nearby.

These noobs are going down.

* * *

Tenzou is right at home juggling a baby and killing all the enemies that get too close. Kakashi is nearby, fighting back to back with Gai. Mikoto is beating up a Sand jounin with a cloth covering half his face. Shisui is still shunshinning around the stadium, killing all the enemies no one else has gotten to yet. Itachi is right there, beside Tenzou, fighting.

Or rather: staring her enemies in the eye one by one, somehow causing each one to scream and pass out.

Her hands clasped, Tenzou erects shields around the passed out audience. Some are ninja who fell for the genjutsu. Tenzou protects them all: civilians, shinobi - everyone. This is what she missed: having a purpose. Fighting to protect the Hidden Leaf. Sure, having a family is nice. There is nothing wrong with that, it's just….

This is far more straightforward. Kill the bad guys. Protect the people who cannot protect themselves. Wood Style techniques. Leaves blowing in the wind as she stands for the Will of Fire.

No second guessing herself.

Tenzou lays her baby in Kazama's lap and gets on with defending her new friends.


	97. The Rinnegan

Konan regrets many things. One of them is getting pregnant. Sure, she loves her kids. Yahiko loves their kids. But why, of all things, did she have to have a multiple birth? Yahiko was so happy when they found out they were going to be parents. She was happy, if a little scared of what might happen if their enemies ever find out about their children. They planned for a baby. One baby. Singular. Call them old fashioned, but Konan and Yahiko wanted a surprise birth.

As a result, they were completely unprepared.

And now their five-year-old triplets are off making a nuisance of themselves.

Konan sighs and goes back to reading Jiraiya sensei's book: Make Out Paradise. She is jealous of the main character, who has sex every day, sometimes multiple times a day, and still has no bastard children - at least that he knows of.

Konan and Yahiko got married after she got pregnant.

The main character of the Make Out series is never getting married. Probably. That would make a great twist, though.

Ah, the main character is trying to woo a foreign princess. It's not working. Oh no, she's gonna kiss him goodbye and go back to her fiance. Aw, she has a fiance. Ooh, she has a younger, prettier sister. Of course she does. Oh no! The sister is underage. Konan is so caught up in the story that she does not notice the strange pulling sensation in her gut.

Next thing she knows, Konan is standing in a dusty arena with a Leaf Shinobi and a Sand shinobi. "Um, how the hell did I end up here?" she asks. Then she sees the Leaf ninja's eyes. Rinnegan. "Huh, I guess we forgot to fix that."

"What," says the Leaf ninja, confused.

"Oh, I am friends with a dude who has the rinnegan," Konan explains. "I guess we forgot to take me off the rinne-summons list after that last fight."

"WHAT?" yells the Sand ninja.

"Yep, Nagato Uzumaki," Konan shrugs, thinking that that should be enough explanation.

It is for the Leaf ninja. "So there's someone else with rinnegan," he says. "Why am I not surprised it's an Uzumaki?"

"WHAAAAAAAAT?!" yells the Sand ninja, apparently shocked beyond reason. To be fair to the poor Sand ninja, the Uzumaki clan is sort of...insane. A Leaf ninja would understand. A Sand ninja would be shocked.

"Who's this idiot?" she asks the Leaf ninja, jerking her thumb at the Sand ninja. She keeps her stoic expression intact.

"A total scumbag," explains the Leaf ninja. "I'm Fugaku Uchiha. Who are you?"

"My name is Konan," Konan tells him. He seems nice. "I am a shinobi of the Hidden Rain. I am also a rinnegan summon, apparently." Konan looks over at the sand ninja. "What did he do?"

"He turned his kids into psychopaths."

"You cannot possibly understand, unless you have children, the choices I have to make!" says the Sand ninja, defensively.

"I do have children," says Fugaku. "Three of them...two…" tears well up in his eyes, but he shakes them away.

"I have kids," adds Konan. "They're already crazy, but it's a good kind of crazy." She turns to the Leaf ninja. "Do you need my help fighting this loser, or can I get back to my book?"

Fugkau looks at her book. "Oh, you read those books too. I heard there's a third one coming soon."

"Oh, yay!" Konan smiles. "So do you need my help?"

"Nah, I got this," says Fugaku. "But it would be great if you could help the Hokage."

"Okay, then," agrees Konan and flies off on her paper wings. Unfortunately, the Hokage is trapped inside a seal and no one can get at him. Oh dear. Konan flies back to Fugaku. "Unfortunately, Orochimaru put up a barrier that burns anything that touches it. I cannot assist the Hokage."

Fugaku swears. "You know what, whatever, Imma just crush this worm." Fugaku starts making handsigns. "Fire Style: Fireball Jutsu!"

The Sand ninja blocks the jutsu with a wall of gold dust. Oh, he's Rasa of the Gold Dust, the Fourth Kazekage. Rasa follows up by sending a spear of gold dust at Fugaku.

Fugaku simply absorbs it with his rinnegan and sends it flying back at Rasa. A moment later, Fugaku is behind Rasa, kicking him in the back of the head. Rasa goes flying across the arena. Fugaku throws kunai, shuriken and fireballs at his opponent. And then Rasa is on the ground with Fugaku standing over him, kicking him and punching him, over and over.

Konan can tell something happened, but she does not care, this man cannot be allowed to kill the Kazekage, lest the Sand and Leaf are plunged into an endless war. Konan wraps Rasa in a bubble of paper. Fugaku simply hits the paper.

"Fugaku," Konan says gently. "You need to stop. If you kill this man, you could start the Fourth Shinobi war."

Fugaku slows down, then stops and steps away from Rasa. "If he hadn't turned his son into a killer, my baby girl might still be alive."

Konan sighs. "Killing him won't change anything."

"I know...I know…But…"

"Let him live," says Konan. "And maybe you will be able to reconcile with the Sand. No one wants a war, and if a war starts, you may end up losing more of your family." Konan can see the distress in Fugaku's eyes. "There are better ways to grieve. Cry if you must, beat up a tree if you must, run around the village a few times if you must: just don't kill this man out of hatred."

Fugaku falls to his knees and stares at the dirt beneath him.

* * *

The reanimated Lord Second runs up onto the ridgepole and speeds towards Hiruzen. The reanimated First Hokage runs straight at Hiruzen, sending a few shuriken speeding ahead of him. Hiruzen dodges them, only to find himself needing to counter Lord First's taijutsu. Lord First flips backwards, away from Hiruzen and Lord Second tags in, reminding Hiruzen of the old days, training with his sensei. After countering Lord Second for a few blows, Hiruzen grabs the reanimation by the ankle, spins him around and sends him flying.

Hiruzen decides it is his turn to attack and sends a Dragon Flame Missile at the two former Hokage. Lord Second puts out the fire with a magnificent Water Wall, and then follows up with a tidal wave of water. Hiruzen blocks with a mud wall, which he then leaps on top of to avoid the waves crashing around the side of the wall.

Lord First runs across the water towards Hiruzen, and Hiruzen leaps down to fight him. Hiruzen sends bullets of fire shooting out of his mouth, towards the First Hokage, who blocks them with relative ease and attacks Hiruzen. Lord First splashes water in Hiruzen's face and then kicks him to the ground. Just as he is getting up, Lord Second grabs Hiruzen with tendril of water and drags him in the lake he has created. Hiruzen frees himself and runs back to the top of the wall. Lord Second slices the wall to pieces. Hiruzen is forced to vacate the wall as all Lord Second's water drains away and Lord First makes trees grow out of the roof.

Hiruzen bites his thumb in preparation to use the summoning jutsu, but is forced to dodge the growing trees. But then he is caught in the branches, and cannot move. Lord First, Lord Second and Orochimaru gather to stare at the captured Hiruzen. Hiruzen glares at them. He reaches towards a nearby branch. He can just about reach, even with his hands tied down. "Summoning Jutsu! Come Forth, Monkey King, Enma!"

Enma appears and has a look at the situation. "Orochimaru," he says. "You should have killed him back when you had the chance, Hiruzen."

Hiruzen doesn't have time for this. "Please, Enma: Turn into the Kongou Nyoi!"

"Kill them!" Orochimaru orders the Hokages. "Don't let him transform!"

Lords First and Second run forward and attack Enma, who knocks them aside and transforms. Then he frees Hiruzen and their pair prepare to do battle. Hiruzen hold the long staff, the Kongou Nyoi, under his arm and waits for an opening to attack.

Orochimaru presses his stomach and out comes a snake, which then spits out a sword. Hiruzen recognises the sword as the Kusanagi.

"Let's go Enma," says Hiruzen, slimming down the Kongou Nyoi.

"Even though I am as hard as diamond," says Enma, "That sword will still hurt me."

Twirling his staff, Hiruzen attacks Orochimaru, who has difficulty blocking his former sensei's attacks, but no difficulty dodging out of the way. The tussle ends when the two reanimations attack Hiruzen from both sides. Hiruzen fights them off, slapping an explosive tag on each of them.

Orochimaru takes the changes to dart forward and punch Hirzen a few times before knocking him to the ground. Hiruzen could have countered that attack, he could have been in control of this whole fight…

If he was about 20 years younger.

 _I'm too old,_ Hiruzen thinks. _I need to find a Fifth Hokage and retire. But where am I gonna find one of those?_

Orochimaru walks over to Hiruzen and grabs the front of his shirt. "Get up sensei," says Orochimaru. "Surely you can put up a better fight than this. You are the Professor: the man who knows all of Konoha's ninjutsu."

"Orochimaru," says Hiruzen, shedding a tear and remembering the innocent little boy his student used to be. "You fool!" Hiruzen grabs Orochimaru's arms, throws him to one side, kicks him in the back of the leg and punches him, sending him reeling backwards. Enma reaches a long arm out of the Kongou Nyoi and grabs orochimaru by the throat. Orochimaru turns to mud and slops to the ground. Then he rises back out of the mud and grins. Hiruzen kicks him back and Orochimaru goes rolling across the roof.

The two reanimations head towards Hiruzen, ready to attack. Hiruzen sets off the two paper bombs, incapacitating the reanimations. Orochimaru gets back up and Hiruzen notices that the two reanimations are mending. Soon the damage done to them will be gone. Hiruzen will have to seal them away after all.

A man in a long dark cloak and a full face mask walks out from behind the trees. He walks over to the Second Hokage and reaches into the back of his head, pulling out the control kunai. Then he walks over to the First Hokage and does the same.

"Rain!" sneers Orochimaru. "What are you doing here?"

The cloaked man, Rain, turns to Orochimaru and says, "I have destroyed all your curse seals and fallbacks. I am here to finish you for good."

"Hah! As if you could," taunts Orochimaru. "Fire style: Fireball jutsu!" Orochimaru breaths out a rather large fireball. Rain walks right into it, and it vanishes as it touches him, disappearing into a space near where his eyes are.

Rain walks right up to Orochimaru and puts his hand on Orochimaru's head. Then he grabs on to something Hiruzen cannot see and pulls. Orochimaru falls to the ground, lifeless, as Rain pulls something shiny and shaped like a person out of Orochimaru. The shiny thing vanishes and Rain turns away, heading back over to Hiruzen. "Are you alright?" Rain asks.

"What did you do?" asks Hiruzen, astonished.

"I pulled out his soul," explains Rain. "He is dead for good. Oh, and Anko might not notice for a while, but her Curse Mark is gone."

Hiruzen is not sure what to think. "Well, thank you. You just saved my life."

"Saved your life?" asks the Second Hokage, standing up. "You are getting rusty, Hiruzen."

"And old," adds the First Hokage, standing up and walking towards Hiruzen and Rain. "It seems that we are still here, even though Orochimaru is dead."

"Not to mention our full fighting power is returned, along with our personalities."

"Oh, no!" says Rain. "I thought taking out the tags would undo the jutsu! We still have to fight these guys!" Rain droops in sadness.


	98. The Day is Won

Ibiki is trying to put Eizo down for his afternoon nap. Unfortunately, the T and I department is under attack by Sand Shinobi trying to rescue their jinchuuriki. Ibiki has Eizo on his shoulder and a kunai in his hand, ready to kill any Sand shinobi who DARE prevent Eizo's afternoon nap.

"Sing-song," says Eizo, sleepily, leaning his head against Ibiki's shoulder.

Ibiki is mortified. The kid wants him to sing a lullaby?! Ibiki does not sing. Ah well, he does know a lullaby, and if it will put the kid to sleep despite the invasion…

 _Crash._ The doors of the T and I department crash open. Ibiki and his minions prepare themselves to beat back the attackers.

Ibiki takes a deep breath and starts to sing the only lullaby he knows all the words to:

" _Natsuhiboshi, way are you so red?_

 _Because I had a sad dream last night._

 _My eyes are red from the tears I shed,_

 _Swollen as I cried."_

Ibiki's minions and the invaders clash. One breaks past the first line of defence and Ibiki has to stab the guy in the face himself. Ibiki and his minions continue to fight off the invaders. Eizo snuggles into Ibiki's shoulder, yawning and closing his eyes. Ibiki keeps singing:

" _Natsuhiboshi, why've you lost your way?_

 _I'm searching for a child who's gone afar._

 _He can't be found, though I search all day,_

 _My sad dreams come once more."_

Eizo is asleep now. Ibiki is glad of that, he is sure his minions are not too keen on hearing their captain sing. The Sand ninjas see the sleeping baby and start fighting much, much quieter. As well they should. They do _not_ want to wake the baby.

* * *

Deputy Kinoko Uchiha arrives at the South Patrol to find five members of the village patrol already there. "Where's the rest of your squad?" Kinoko asks.

"They went to the stadium to inform the Chief of the developments," reports one of the patrolmen. "Lord Jiraiya is here, and he defeated the entire South Patrol for us. Then he went to go and I quote "protect the lovely ladies bathing at the hothouse from the nasty snake summons lest they know of the invasion and are frightened'."

"Of course he did," sighs Kinoko. "You lot had better go and make sure he is actually doing that, and not peeping."

"Yes, ma'am!" the five village patrolmen shunshin away.

Kinoko heads to the stadium at top speed. She needs to be sure the situation there is under control. With Orochimaru aware of the full plan, there is no telling what measures he went to to thwart it. As Kinoko runs through the chaos, she hears a strange sentence spread through the shinobi ranks.

"The Kazekage is defeated and Orochimaru is dead, the plan has failed," the Sand and Sound shinobi are saying.

What happened at the stadium? Kinoko picks up her pace. All around her, Sound ninja are fleeing and Sand ninja are surrendering.

* * *

All the enemy ninjas fled or surrendered. Now that Hinata is not in any danger, Naruto flies back to his Grandparents, leaving Sparky to keep an eye on Hinata. He stops halfway when he sees a strange woman in the arena with Mr. Nice Police Chief and the Kazekage. The Kazekage is lying on the ground all beat up and Mr. Nice Police Chief is kneeling on the ground beside him. Naruto flies over to investigate. Maybe Mr. Nice Police Chief needs a hug.

"Hey!" Naruto calls as he swoops over to Mr. Nice Police Chief. "Did you kill Gaara's Dad?"

"No," says Mr. Nice Police Chief, looking up at Naruto.

"Oh." Naruto is a little disappointed. "Well, I guess beating him up will have to do." Mr. Nice Police Chief looks really sad, so Naruto gives him a hug. Grandma says hugs are good when you are sad. "It's okay," Naruto says, patting Mr. Nice Police Chief on the back. "You can cry if you want to." Then Naruto himself bursts into tears.

"So what happened?" asks The Strange Lady.

"Sasuke's dead!" Naruto wails. "And we just became friends!" Naruto bawls his eyes out, getting tears and snot all over Mr. Nice Police Chief.

Mr. Nice Police Chief pats Naruto's back awkwardly.

* * *

Tobirama Senju, the Second Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaves is not happy. Why is he not happy? Because someone reanimated him! He thought he sealed that jutsu away in the Hidden Leaf's equivalent of the Temple of Joe. Maybe he should've just stuck it in the actual Temple of Joe. Oh hindsight, you are a cruel, cruel taskmaster.

Tobirama looks at his student, Hiruzen. Hiruzen looks so old. Like REALLY old. Hashirama is grinning and walking over to Hiruzen , who seems ready to fight and die for some reason. Doesn't he know the battle is over?

Oh right, he doesn't realize that when Rain removed the control tags, Hashirama and Tobirama got their free will. "Hiruzen, we are free from that" -Tobirama points at the guy who summoned him with his OWN JUTSU - " _thing's_ control. You do not need to fight us. You are, however, stuck with us until I figure out how to dispel the jutsu."

Hiruzen sinks to the ground, relieved. "Oh thank goodness."

Tobirama sees the barrier seal keeping them on the roof. He marches over to the nearest of the four jutsu casters. "Oi, brat!" he snaps. "Beat it."

The kid turns to look at Tobirama, then past him at the guy that summoned him. The kid pales. "ABORT! LADY OROCHIMARU IS DEAD!" All four kids release the barrier, then they run for their lives. As well they should.

"So who was that guy that summoned us with the reanimation?" asks Hashirama.

"That was my fallen student, Orochimaru," says Hiruzen.

"How long have we been dead?" asks Tobirama, looking up at the Hokage monument and seeing four carved faces. "And where is the Fourth Hokage whose face is on the monument?"

"It has been around 40 years, I think," says Hiruzen. "I lost track. The Fourth Hokage, Minato Namikaze, is dead. He died defending the village after the Nine Tails got loose and wreaked havoc."

"He better have died failing the Master's Test in an effort to seal it away," says Tobirama, firmly.

"He did." says Hiruzen. "Now I have something I need to check on." Hiruzen stands and heads to the edge of the roof. He jumps down and Tobirama, Hashirama and the cloaked man, Rain, or whatever they called him, follow.

Tobirama is surprised to find himself in the chunin exam arena. But not nearly as surprised as he is to see an Uchiha kneeling in the dirt cuddling a crying child.

"Konan!" says the cloaked man, walking over to the purple haired woman standing beside the unconscious man in dirty Kazekage robes. "How did you get here?"

"We forgot to take me off the rinne-summons list, didn't we?" the woman says dryly.

"I see you left the Kazekage alive," comment Hiruzen.

"If he were to kill the Kazekage, war would be inescapable," says Konan. "I will not allow a war to break out."

"Good for you!" says Hashirama, grinning from ear to ear. "It's nice to see the quest for peace has not ended!"

Tobirama cannot get over the fact that the Uchiha is letting the kid use him as an oversized handkerchief. "Why is that kid blubbering?" asks Tobirama.

The kid lifts his head off the Uchiha and whines, "My friend died!"

"You poor baby!" says Hashirama, throwing his arms around the kid and hugging the stuffing out of him. "Did this just happen? What's your name, kid?"

"Yeah, Sasuke just… _waaa!_ " the kid breaks out into fresh sobbing.

"That's Naruto Uzumaki," says the Uchiha. "He'll be crying for a while."

"CHIEF!" a voice yells, and a woman in a Konoha Police Force uniform lands in the dirt beside them. "You were right, Kyabetsu was planning something - he sold the village out to Orochimaru."

"Did you capture or kill him?" asks the Uchiha, apparently the Chief. "How many were working alongside him?"

"I captured him. The 11 working with him are dead. Jiraiya helped us fight them, and Orochimaru's summons. When did you get rinnegan and why is The Mustache Drawer crying?"

"Good. Why so many?" the Chief closes his eyes, pulls out a pair of sunglasses and puts them on. "Naruto is crying because...because…" the Chief turns away, his shoulders shaking.

Tobirama wonders what is going on.

"Sasuke…" sobs Naruto.

"What happened to Sasuke?" demands the Policewoman.

"She's dead," says Hiruzen sadly.

"No!" the police woman recoils in horror. "Not little Sasuke! She's such a sweet kid!"

The Chief falls to his knees, the sound of sobbing coming from him.

"What's his deal?" wonders Hashirama, who is still cuddling the crying Uzumaki.

"Sasuke is his daughter," explains Hiruzen.

"Wait a second!" says the Policewoman. "You're the First Hokage! And you're the Second Hokage! How are you here?"

"I should've burned all records of the Reanimation Jutsu," says Tobirama, crossing his arms and shaking his head. It seems everyone here knows that when an Uchiha starts crying, you do not touch that Uchiha. Unless you are its mother.

The Chief gets himself under control and stands. He turns to face them, his face still damp. "Lord Second. Lord First," The Chief says, and bows to the two former Hokage. "Lord Third, I have apprehended the Kazekage." The Chief picks up the Kazekage by his collar and holds him up for Hiruzen to inspect. "What shall we do with him?"

"We shall take him to Ibiki," says Hiruzen. "But first we had better make sure the rest of your family is alright."


	99. Time to Grieve

_Mikoto sits in the hospital bed with the new baby in her arms. "Look Itachi," she says, smiling and showing Itachi the baby. "This is your little sister." The baby is crying unhappily and waving her arms in the air._

 _Fugaku steps forward and takes the baby out of his wife's arms and rocks her. She settles down and closes her eyes._

" _So what are we going to call her?" asks Mikoto. "The girl's name I picked doesn't fit."_

" _Sasuke," says Fugaku, smiling. "We're going to call her Sasuke."_

" _But that's a boy's name!" protests Mikoto. "Not to mention it's Lord Third's Father's name!"_

" _It's alright," smiles Fugaku. "I already asked Lord Third's permission, and the name fits, even if it is technically a boy's name."_

 _Itachi stares up at her little sister, her eyes wide and her mouth in a little 'o'."_

 _Fugaku can't stop smiling._

* * *

Iruka is just finished beating up the invaders with every weapon in his arsenal when Might Gai's student, Tenten, runs up to him and demands, "Teach me all your secrets! Please!"

Iruka regards the girl, wondering if he has time for an apprentice. "What right have you to demand to know the secrets of the Umino clan?" Iruka asks.

"Um...I dunno…" Tenten stammers.

"Do you have any Whirlpool ancestry?" asks Iruka.

"Um...I don't know…"

"Do you know anything about your ancestry?" Iruka is not sure if he should persist, but the kid has talent.

"Um…" Tenten thinks about this. Then her face lights up. "I'm the Second Hokage's great granddaughter!"

Iruka smiles. "Then you are of Whirlpool decent. The First Hokage married an Uzumaki, and the Second married an Umino. Very well, I shall accept you as my apprentice."

"Thank you! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!" Tenten jumps up and down in excitement.

Iruka turns to check that Arashi and Kazama are alright. They are. Tenzou and Kakashi's baby is securely tucked into Kazama's arms. "Release!" Iruka releases the genjutsu over his adoptive parents and the baby.

Arashi straightens up and cracks his neck, wincing. "What was that?" he asks.

"Genjutsu," says Iruka. "Turns out the village was under attack."

"Of course it was," says Kazama, who is pleased to find a baby in her arms. "This is a ninja village, after all."

Lord Fugaku, Lord Hokage, Deputy Kinoko, Rain, and a woman Iruka has never seen before leap up onto the stands followed by two people who look a lot like the first two Hokages. The one who looks like the First is holding a sobbing Naruto in his arms. Fugaku has the Kazekage by the collar and is dragging the unfortunate Kage along the ground behind him. The group heads up to Iruka, led by Lord Third.

"Iruka," says Lord Third. "Before you ask, yes, these two are the first and second Hokages. Orochimaru reanimated them."

"Shoulda stuck the Reanimation jutsu instructions in the Temple of Joe," says Iruka.

"I realize that," says The Second Hokage, unimpressed.

Kazama hands Minoru back to Tenzou, who returns at that moment, and goes to Naruto. She takes him off the First Hokage and hugs him. Naruto's sobs die down and he turns to look at the two reanimated Hokages. He keeps a tight hold of Kazama's hand though. "So you're the First Hokage, and you're the Second Hokage," says Naruto. "I thought you'd be old."

"Naruto, that's not polite," says Kazama.

"Yes, Grandma."

Shisui appears with a passed out Itachi on his back. "Chief Sir," he says. "Itachi can now put people in comas in three seconds. But she passed out from doing it too much."

"You better look after her," says Lord Fugaku severely.

"Yes Sir, Lord Fugaku, Sir!" Says Shisui, straightening up and standing at attention. "No harm shall come to your daughter on my watch, Sir!"

Mikoto drifts over, covered in blood, with a kunai in each hand, one in her mouth and the Mangekyou sharingan blazing in her eyes.

"Oh my goodness, Mikoto!" Fugaku runs over to his wife and starts checking her over for injuries. "Are you alright?"

"None of this blood is mine," says Mikoto, in a monotone.

"Oh thank goodness," Fugaku sighs in relief.

"Is everyone alright?" asks Kakashi, shunshinning into their midst with Gai and Madoka. Kakashi turns his attention to Tenzou after noting that everyone seems to be in one piece. "Tenzou, are you hurt anywhere? Is Minoru alright? You didn't exert yourself too much, did you?"

"We're fine, senpai," says Tenzou.

* * *

 _Mikoto is walking around with Sasuke in her arms. It is a nice day out, and Sasuke seems to like being outside. She sees Kushina and Lord Third's wife, Biwako, coming towards her. It must be time for Kushina to have her baby, Mikoto thinks._

 _Biwako walks right past, but Kushina stops and grins at Sasuke. "Oo! Did you have a girl?" She asks._

" _Yes," says Mikoto._

" _Aw, so cute," coos Kushina. "What's your name?"_

" _Her name is Sasuke," says Mikoto._

 _Biwako slides up beside Kushina and peers at the baby. "Oh, so you named your daughter after Lord Third's father?"_

" _Yes," says Mikoto. Sasuke wakes up and cries a little, disturbed by all the talking. "So you must be due soon too," Mikoto says to Kushina. "You should pick a name in advance."_

" _I have," says Kushina. "His name will be Naruto," she tells Sasuke, patting her head. "You'll be classmates, so make sure you get along." Kushina gently pokes Sasuke's cheek. Then Kushina whispers, "By the way, does it really hurt?" to Mikoto, a look of fear on her face._

 _Mikoto smiles. "So there is something that scares you. I'm surprised."_

 _Months later, Mikoto remembers this day. Mikoto is cooking dinner, and Sasuke crawls up to her and pulls on her skirt. "Mama! Mama!" says Sasuke holding her arms in the air._

 _Mikoto picks up her baby and smiles at her sadly, thinking of Kushina, who will never hear her baby call her 'Mama'."_

* * *

Everyone seems to have said all they need to say and checked on all the people they need to check on. So Iruka decides to say what he knows no one else will. "So are you going to see Sasuke before they take her away?"

"Oh, that's right," says Shisui sadly. "We won't be able to see her once they take her to the mortuary, will we?"

"Let's go," says Fugaku, heading to the place where they keep the genin who die in the Chunin Exam finals. Everyone else follows, even the reanimated Hokages. But Sasuke is not there.

"They didn't take her already, did they?" asks Mikoto, a hand over her mouth.

"This is just too sad," says Rain, shaking his head. "I had better find Wind and go. There is somewhere else we both need to be."

Kiba, Shino and Hinata poke their heads around the door. "Aw, Sasuke's gone," says Kiba. "Ah well. Akamaru!"

Akamaru barks, jumps out of Kiba's hoodie and sniffs around the room. Then he barks again and runs out of the room. They all follow as Akamaru leads them across the village.

* * *

 ** _Shino looks around at all the other kids. It is his first day at the academy, and he wants to try and make a friend. All the other kids have friends already, and Shino feels too shy to approach more than one kid at once. Shino droops and heads over to the tree in the schoolyard. As he rounds the tree, Shino sees Sasuke, the shy girl with the big bow in her hair, sitting in the grass. She is in his class. They already talked in the icebreaker game._**

" _Hi," says Shino._

 _Sasuke looks up at him, her mouth open in surprise. "Um...hi…"_

" _Can I sit here?" asks Shino, pointing to the grass beside Sasuke._

 _Sasuke nods and Shino sits down. The pair sits quietly and eats their lunch. Shino sees some winter melon in Sasuke's lunchbox. Shino loves winter melon. Maybe Sasuke will swap him for his rice balls. "Um…" says Shino nervously. "Do you wanna swap that melon for my rice balls?"_

 _Sasuke peers into Shino's lunchbox, then smiles. "Yeah, I love rice balls."_

 _From that moment on, Sasuke and Shino are friends._

* * *

Iruka is confused as to why Akamaru is taking them to the hospital. Maybe Sasuke had her name down as an organ donor? Akamaru leads them to the intensive care ward and into a room where five medics are gathered around a bed.

One medic is Kabuto Yakushi.

One is Wind.

One is an ANBU black op.

One is Karin Uzumaki.

One is Okami Uzumaki.

Lying on the bed is Sasuke, her crushed right side being splinted and bandaged. Okami's arm is in Sasuke's mouth and Okami is emitting a lot of chakra. She is glowing, and her hair is floating around her head. Karin is preparing the life support machines.

"Ready?" asks Okami.

"Ready," the other four chorus.

"Switching to life support in three...two...one...now!" Okami takes her arm out of Sasuke's mouth and Karin claps on a breathing mask. The other medics hook Sasuke up to the other machines and gently wrap her in a hospital gown, the kind that crosses over at the front. The medics step back and pause for a few seconds.

There is a profound hush in which the only sound is the sound of the machines beeping.

They are beeping.

Sasuke is alive.


	100. Call me Kami

**Author's Note:** **From now until the end of January updates will be** **irregular because both myself and Ignus Dracorex (the co-author you have probably all forgotten but is the real reason Sasuke is not dead - I had a plan, but he said 'no, she lives') are going fruit picking and will simply update whenever we can.**

Lords First, Second and Third Hokage stand out in the hall with Arashi, Kazama, Kiba and Akamaru, Hinata, Iruka, Rain, Konan, Shisui and Itachi, Tenzou and Minoru, Kakashi, Fugaku and Rasa, Mikoto, Kinoko, Shino, Madoka and Naruto while the Five medics do one last check over Sasuke.

Fugaku stares at the open door leading into the ward were Sasuke lies, _alive_. He drops rasa onto the floor and steps forward, into the ward. "How is this possible?" he asks. "Just who are you?"

The medic with red hair, whose name escapes Fugaku, turns away from Sasuke and straightens up. "I am Okami Uzumaki," she says proudly. "But you may call me Kami."

"But how?" asks Fugaku. "She was dead."

"You can thank Karin for this," says Okami, putting her hand on top of the young Uzumaki's head. "She is the one who sensed the tiny spark of life left in Sasuke."

* * *

 _Earlier that day…_

"It's alright, Karin," says Okami, patting her daughter's back. "This is normal in the shinobi world."

"It shouldn't be!" snaps Karin, turning to latch on to her mother.

"I know," says Karin's mother, sadly. "But you learn to see it and not hurl your guts up after a while. It doesn't get any easier though. But we must endure."

"I want to go and see Sasuke," whispers Karin. "I wanted to be friends with her, but she didn't like me very much."

Okami shakes her head sadly. "Come on then," she says, and leads her daughter to the room they keep the dead exam contestants in until the exams are over. Chief Fugaku is just leaving when they arrive, a pair of sunglasses covering his eyes. Okami ignores him and goes into the arena morgue.

There is an ANBU woman there with the medics. "I will stand guard," the ANBU is saying. "You lot go back to your posts. You may be needed for the next match." The medics leave, and the ANBU pulls back the sheet covering Sasuke's face. "She looks so happy, doesn't she?" says the ANBU. "Poor kid."

Okami sighs. "Yes, but you should probably leave that in place."

"She doesn't look dead," says Karin, walking up beside Sasuke. Then Karin makes the hand sign for molding chakra, activating her sensory chakra. Karin screws up her face in concentration, focusing hard. Then she let's out a yelp and says, "Sasuke isn't quite dead yet, there's still a tiny spark of life left!"

When she left the Hidden Grass, Okami vowed never to use her kekkei genkai again, however if this girl is alive, then that technique could keep her that way. Okami steps up beside Sasuke and pries the girl's mouth open. Okami takes a deep breath and places her forearm in Sasuke's mouth and pushes Sasuke's jaw closed. Immediately, Okami's chakra floods into Sasuke. Exercising fine control over her power, Okami directs the healing chakra to Sasuke's vital organs.

"Is that…?" the ANBU trails off.

"Get her heart beating," orders Okami, talking to Karin. "I'll do the rest."

The ANBU steps forward, healing chakra encasing her hands and lays them over Sasuke's heart. A moment later, Okami feels Sasuke's heart begin to beat faintly.

Okami focuses on getting Sasuke's lungs working. There is so much to heal and so little time before Sasuke dies for real. Okami only has so much chakra, and will only be able to heal Sasuke a certain amount. It is vital that she heal enough that Sasuke will live.

Then the ANBU turns to Karin says, "What is your name, girl?"

"Karin," says Karin.

"There is a woman in the audience who is an excellent medic. She wears a long, hooded cloak and a cloth mask covering the bottom half of her face," says the ANBU. "Her name is Wind. Go find her and bring her here. Quickly."

"Yes," agrees Karin, and runs to find the woman the ANBU spoke of. Karin returns in just a few minutes with the masked and cloaked woman she was told to fetch.

Wind takes one look at the situation and places hands glowing with healing chakra on Sasuke's left lung. "I'll keep her breathing, you focus on getting her other lung working. We can deal with the rest once she's breathing."

"Right," Okami agrees and focuses her healing chakra on Sasuke's left lung.

Karin starts healing Sasuke's other damaged internal organs with the medical ninjutsu she learned at the academy. Judging by the expression on Karin's face, this is no easy task for her.

Time passes. Okami can tell that Wind and the ANBU are starting to run out of chakra. "We need to get her to the hospital," says Okami. "And get her on life support before we all run out of chakra." Okami's chakra is low, but not in danger of running out. Karin is having difficulty controlling her chakra.

"We cannot move her with just the four of us," says Wind. "The chakra control required to move and heal her at the same time is beyond your daughter's skill level. We need another medic."

At that moment, a boy with white hair and round glasses walks into the mortuary. "What's going on here?" he asks.

"We need to get this girl to the hospital," says Wind. "Take over from Karin."

"Yes Mother," says the boy, and takes over healing the lower half of Sasuke's left torso. Karin steps back, shaking.

"Good, now we need to get her to the hospital, and fast," says Wind. "Get ready to move her."

"We'll need to carry her between us," says Okami. "We cannot balance the stretcher like this. We'll each need to have one hand healing her and one hand holding her up."

"I'll make sure the way is clear," says Karin, and scampers out. By the time she returns, the four medics have Sasuke resting on their arms, ready to transport her. It is awkward to hold and heal her, but with Okami and Kabuto on Sasuke's left, and Wind and the ANBU on Sasuke's right, they can manage. "The way out of the stadium is clear," says Karin. "But it looks like the village is under attack."

"No matter," says Okami. "We will just have to get to the hospital before the invasion gets to us."

With Karin scouting the way ahead and taking care of any threats that get too close, the medics transport Sasuke to the hospital. At one point, they pass Deputy Kinoko, running towards the T and I department with another member of the Police force slung over her shoulder, his arm missing. Okami is glad that Kinoko did not see Sasuke's face, or she would have stopped for sure.

Finally, they arrive at the hospital. With all the new casualties being rushed in, no one thought twice about an off duty civilian medic, two Genin medics, an ANBU and a cloaked woman rushing an injured girl into an intensive care ward.

Carefully, they lay Sasuke down on the hospital bed. Karin starts preparing the machines, under Wind's directions. Karin also fetches a hospital gown and a ton of bandages. Wind tells her to get some splints as well, which Karin does promptly. The ANBU relinquishes the duty of keeping Sasuke's heart beating to Wind, who takes the extra duty on without question. Then Wind and Karin cut away Sasuke's clothing and splint and bandage her injuries.

Okami hears the door open as they are connecting Sasuke to the machines and putting the hospital gown on her. Once the machines are connected, all five medics step back and wait to see if they need to do anything more. The machines beep away steadily. All five medics let out a long sigh of relief.

Someone walks into the room. "How is this possible?" a man asks. "Just who are you?"

Okami straightens and turns. Then she looks Fugaku Uchiha in the eye and says, "I am Okami Uzumaki. But you may call me Kami."

"But how?" asks Fugaku. "She was dead."

"You can thank Karin for this," says Okami, putting her hand on top of Karin's head. "She is the one who sensed the tiny spark of life left in Sasuke."

"Oh." Fugau walks up to Sasuke and stares down at her. "She's alive…"

"For now," says Wind. "There is no guarantee she will survive until we have recovered our chakra enough to treat her again, and I cannot stay to see this girl through."

"There are limits to my knowledge," adds Okami. "I will do my best, but there is still only a small chance I can get her through this…" Okami feels faint suddenly. She is not used to using so much chakra all at once. "Even if she lives, Sasuke will be crippled for life."

A girl with brown hair tied into two buns wanders up to Iruka. "So what's going on here, Iruka-shishou?"

"Who said you could call me 'shishou'?" asks Iruka crossing his arms.

The girl droops. "But…" then she catches sight of Sasuke through the open door. "Is that Sasuke? Is she alive?"

"For now," says Okami. "We might not be able to save her, and she will certainly have to have her arm amputated if she lives."

"It is simply beyond our skill level," says the ANBU, shaking her head.

The girl with the buns gazes at Sasuke thoughtfully then asks, "Would Lady Tsunade be able to help her?"

Fugaku turns slightly. "You'd have to find her first."

"Who are we finding?" asks a new voice. How many more people are going to wander into the hospital? Okami walks out of Sasuke's ward. There is quite the gathering in the hall. The man who spoke is a large man with long white hair. "What's going on here?"

"Pervy Sage," says Naruto, one of the people gathered in the hallway. "How Come you didn't come and watch me in the Exams?'

"I was busy…"

"Hmmph!" Naruto crosses his arms and turns away.

"Jiraiya, long time no see," says the Third Hokage. "You wouldn't happen to know where Tsunade is, would you?"

"No," says Jiraiya, shaking his head. "But I know how to find her. Why?"

"Because we need this Tsunade to help Sasuke," says Naruto, marching over to Jiraiya. He grabs the legendary Sannin by the shirt and drags him away saying, "Pervy Sage, we are going on a road trip!"

"I had better make sure they pack properly," says Kazama, following them with Arashi trailing along behind.


	101. Hashirama is Moron

**AN: After two months with no internet, we are back. Congratulations, you get a solid week of daily updates!**

Hashirama looks from one person to the next, trying to figure out if he should smile or be serious. He is so happy the Leaf is thriving, and that the Uchiha girl is alive (for now anyway) and that Tsunade is coming (yay!) but this all seems like such a serious situation. Then he sees something on the Uzumaki woman's arm.

Hashirama walks over to the Uzumaki who introduced herself as Kami and peers at her arm. "Is that the Bite-Healing Kekkei Genkai?" he asks.

"Yes," snaps Kami, pulling her sleeve down to cover the numerous bite marks on her arm. "Got a problem with that?"

"You're…!" Hashirama stares at Kami. "You're…!" Hashirama realizes just who he is looking at and bows. "Your Highness."

"Eh?" says Rain. "Why's she a Highness?"

"She is the Queen of the Uzumaki Clan," says Tobirama, mirroring Hashirama's bow. You always bow to the Uzumaki queen, or princess, if you value your sanity and continued existence. Always.

"Mum?" says a girl with short red hair and glasses, tugging on the Uzumaki queen's sleeve. "You should sit down. You used a lot of chakra."

Hashirama straightens up in astonishment. "Why is the Uzumaki princess wearing a Leaf headband?"

"The Hidden Whirlpool was destroyed in the Third Shinobi war," explains Hiruzen. "A few of the survivors made their way here. Iruka over there is the last known member of the Umino clan."

Hashirama looks at this Iruka guy. He looks like an Umino. "Hello," says Hashirama. "I'm Hashirama Senju, the First Hokage." Hashirama beams around at everyone. "I'm so happy the Leaf is doing well, even though it just got attacked, and the Whirlpool was destroyed, and…"

"Shut up, Hashirama," says Tobirama.

Hashirama crouches down, feeling depressed. Tobirama is so mean!

"You're the First Hokage?" asks the young woman with the baby. "Will...Will you teach me about the woodstyle, please?"

Hashirama instantly cheers up. "Can you use wood style?"

The young woman nods. "Yes, I can. But not because we're related, or anything. It's because of..." She trails off and looks down at the floor.

"Because of what?" asks Hashirama, confused.

"You met Orochimaru?" says Hiruzen. "The one who summoned you? He also does human experimentation. Tenzou can use wood style because he grafted your DNA into her."

"My DNA…" Hashirama considers this. Then he grins. "So then you're practically my kid!" He hugs the young woman, Tenzou, joyfully, being careful of her baby. "Tobirama, look, I have a daughter!"

Tobirama facepalms.

The girl with the buns in her hair laughs and says, "You're a weirdo, Lord First."

Hashirama stares at the girl. He feels very sad. "I'm not a weirdo, am I Tobirama?"

"Yes, you are," says Tobirama. He pats the girl with the buns in her hair on top of the head. "You are a smart child. I like you."

"Good," says the girl. "Because I'm your great granddaughter." She smiles up at Tobirama. "My name is Tenten."

Tobirama nods firmly. "It is good to see my descendants are not total morons like my brother."

Hashirama hunkers down on the ground, hugging his knees. "Total...moron…." he whines, tracing circles on the floor with his finger.

"You see what I mean?" says Tobirama.

"Aw, don't be so mean," says the ANBU Medic Woman.

"Wait…" says Hiruzen, suspiciously. "You are not one of my ANBU."

"No," says Konan. "She is one of mine, or more correctly: one of the Hidden Rain ANBU. The leadership changed recently, and a close friend of mine is now the head of the Hidden Rain Village."

"So Hanzo stepped down, then?" muses Hiruzen. "Who's the new leader?"

"How about I arrange a meeting and he can tell you himself," says Konan. "Come Turtle, Wind, Rain." She turns to the three masked and cloaked people. "Let's go."

"You forgot to take yourself off the rinne-summons list, didn't you?" says the ANBU, whose codename is apparently Turtle, disapprovingly.

"Yes."

"Oh, here, these are yours," says Fugaku, holding out his sunglasses.

"Keep them," says Turtle. "You'll need something to stop people asking questions about your eyes." Then she shunshins away with Konan, Wind and Rain.

Then Hiruzen turns on the young medic with the white hair and glasses. "Kabuto Yakushi," he says sharply. "What's this I hear about you being a spy for Orochimaru?"

The boy smiles. "I am a spy for Wind and Rain. I am a Leaf shinobi, but I also work with them to keep an eye on Orochimaru."

"He called Wind 'Mother'," adds The Uzumaki Princess. "Is she really your Mother?"

"Yes, Karin. Wind is my Mother," confirms Kabuto. "Turtle and Rain saved her and now she works with them. And when the opportunity presented itself, I began to spy on Orochimaru for them. I have a great deal of information I can report to you, Lord Hokage, but most of it is sensitive."

"Very well, Kabuto," says Hiruzen. "I will summon you to my office later and we can discuss this."

Hashirama gets up, over his depression. He turns his attention to his new daughter's baby. "So cute!" he coos. "What's his name?"

"Minoru," says Tenzou. She looks at if she is trying not to panic, freak out and attack Hashirama.

"You don't need to be afraid of me," says Hashirama gently. Patting Tenzou on the head. "I'm your Daddy. And the First Hokage. I'm not your enemy."

Tenzou calms down and the white haired man with the crooked forehead protector relaxes. "But…" says Tenzou, sounding a little confused. "But how can you be my Dad? You're dead…"

"Oh, that's cause you've got my blood running through your veins," says Hashirama, firmly. "That makes me your Dad. Okay?"

"I've never had a Dad before…" says Tenzou, in a bit of a daze.

"Aw, you poor thing," says Hashirama, putting his arm around Tenzou's shoulders. "Let's fix that, shall we?"

"Umm…" says the white haired man with the crooked forehead protector, a dippy look on his face. "What?"

"I'm not sure what's going on here myself, senpai," says Tenzou. "Let's just roll with it."

"Okay," says the man. "We need to go make sure Aki is alright anyway."

"Who's Aki?" asks Hashirama, curiously.

"Our two year old daughter," says Tenzou. "Come on, Kakashi senpai." She wanders off, dragging the white haired man behind her.

It takes Hashirama a few seconds to process what Tenzou just said. Then he runs after Tenzou and the white haired guy yelling, "Wait! You have another baby?! I have another Grandkid?!"

* * *

"He is a moron," says Fugaku. "You are right, Lord Second. Lord First is a total moron. In the best way, of course."

"Um...Lord Fugaku, sir?" says Shisui nervously. Itachi is still passed out on his back. "I don't think Itachi is going to wake up anytime soon. Do you think we should get a medic to have a look at her?"

"I will," says Kabuto, stepping up beside Itachi and placing glowing hands on her back. "She has chakra exhaustion. She'll need to stay in the hospital for a few days. Follow me." Kabuto leads Shisui away.

Fugaku takes one last look at Sasuke, buried in machinery and bandages, and follows, dragging Rasa along behind him. Mikoto trails along behind, leaving Tenten, the Second and Third Hokages, Iruka, Karin and Okami alone outside Sasuke's room.

Once they have seen Itachi safely to a hospital bed, Fugaku and Mikoto head off to collect Eizo from his babysitter and drop Rasa off with the same man. Ibiki is a very useful person.

When Fugaku and Mikoto arrive at the T and I department, Ibiki is rocking a sleeping Eizo in his arms and humming cheerfully while his minions clear the corpses out of the T and I department.

"I don't think this is good for Eizo's mental stability," whispers Mikoto.

"Eh, he'll be fine," shrugs Fugaku. "He's our kid, after all."

Mikoto sighs, obviously forgetting the fact that she is covered in the blood of her enemies.

"Ibiki," says Fugaku softly. "I have a new prisoner for you."

"Ah good," says Ibiki. "Eizo was very good. The Invasion force was smart enough to fight quietly once he fell asleep. They still got their asses whooped, though. Eizo also learned some new words-"

"Of course he did." Fugaku dumps Rasa on the floor. "This is the Kazekage. Keep him far, far away from his kids. He is not a good role model. Also, make sure he lives, we don't want a war on our hands."

"Yes sir," says Ibiki. "Now, I'm assuming you want Eizo?"

"Yes, we do."

* * *

Naruto is on a mission. Grandma helped him pack and Pervy Sage is ready to go too.

Iruka nii is giving Naruto some last-minute advice on how to handle asking Tsunade for help. "And remember to say 'please', manners are important," says Iruka nii. "She might not come if you don't have good manners."

"Right," nods Naruto, adjusting his backpack and staring down the long road out of the village.

"Make sure you brush your hair," says Grandma, smoothing down Naruto's spiky hair. "A tidy child is much preferred over a messy one, and you want to make a good impression on this Tsunade."

Grandpa Third walks up to the gates, where Naruto is trying to free himself from Grandma and Iruka nii so he can go save Sasuke. "Naruto," says Grandpa Third. "In future you need to ask before leaving the village on unofficial missions like this. You cannot just up and leave whenever you feel like it. Do you understand?"

"Yes Grandpa Third," says Naruto. He hates having to be polite. He wants to yell at Grandpa Third not to interfere.

"Good," says Grandpa Third. "Now make sure you keep Jiraiya out of trouble and come back quickly."

Naruto grins. Then he sees Karin running towards them.

"Naruto," she says, sliding to a stop in front of him. "My Mother asked me to tell you that she can only guarantee being able to keep Sasuke alive for two weeks. They had to put Sasuke in a coma to keep her alive."

"Oh." Naruto thinks about this information. "So we have two weeks to find and bring back Tsunade."

"Yes," nods Karin. "But…" Karin glares at the ground then back at Naruto. "You better come back sooner!"

"I will!" says Naruto, feeling genuine fear for his life. "I will come back as soon as I possibly can! We'll be back in time, right, Pervy Sage?"

"Definitely," says Pervy Sage. "Don't you worry about Sasuke, kid."

"I'm not worried about Sasuke!" snaps Karin. "At the end of those two weeks, Sasuke will be healed enough to live! But I know my mother! She'll do her best to heal Sasuke, but… At the end of those two weeks, it won't be Sasuke who'll be dead! It will be my Mum!"


	102. Cactus Juice

Deputy Inspector Kinoko Uchiha is escorting Rasa, Baki, Temari, Kankuro and Gaara back to the Hidden Sand. Lord Third Hokage is letting them go on the condition that they do not try attacking the Leaf ever again. Next time, the Leaf will not be so merciful.

Rasa does not think they were merciful at all. Half his face is swollen and bruised, his nose is shattered and one of his arms is broken. He has never taken so much damage from one man before, and that's without the bruises all over the rest of his body. Rasa is one big bruise, and now the Leaf is making him walk back to the Hidden Sand, and with only one escort. The nerve of them!

They are nearing the edge of the Land of Fire. Soon they will reach the desert. However, the trees are not showing any sign of thinning out yet.

"Hey-yooo!" a voice calls from up in the trees.

Rasa looks up to see a man in a blue coat and an orange mask sitting in a tree. "What do you want?" Rasa demands.

"I made a new jutsu!" says the man, in a high-pitched, childlike voice. "May I show it to you? May I? Senpai doesn't think it's any good, and I am sad. Will you let me show you my new jutsu? Please?"

"Sure," says Deputy Kinoko. "Fire away - just make sure you don't hit us with it, okay."

"Oh, it will not hit you!" says the masked idiot. "It's not that kind of jutsu!" He stands up on the branch, only to lose his balance. "Waah!" the idiot screams, before latching on to the branch with chakra and making the tiger seal.

Rasa tenses. The idiot is aiming right at them!

Standing upside down on the branch, the idiot says, "Frilled Necked Lizard!" as his coat falls down around him, resembling the frills on a frilled necked lizard.

Everyone waits.

"Oh…" The masked idiot scratches the back of his head, embarrassed. "That's all there is to it."

Deputy Kinoko nods, apparently impressed. "Cool. It looks like a party trick to keep kids entertained. Is that what it's for, by any chance?"

"NOOO! YOU SAW THROUGH MY JUTSU! THE UCHIHA CLAN IS TRULY GREAT AND POWERFUL!" screams the masked idiot, running away at top speed and waving his arms about in the air as he goes.

"Um...What?" says Baki.

Rasa facepalms.

Temari grins.

Kankuro rolls his eyes.

Gaara bursts out laughing, holding his sides and rolling around on the ground.

"HEY!" Yells Kinoko in the direction of the retreating masked idiot. "YOUR JUTSU WORKS GREAT!"

"I AM SO GLAD!" floats back the reply.

* * *

The small group walks through the desert, heading to the Hidden Sand. Kankuro chats happily with Deputy Kinoko. "I thought it was poisonous," Deputy Kinoko is saying.

"Nah," shrugs Kankuro. "It depends on the cactus. Some have poisonous juice, some will make you hallucinate and some will quench your thirst." He trots over to a nearby cactus cuts some off and brings back a bowl-shaped piece of cactus with a sludge of white juice in the bottom. "This one's not poisonous. Try it."

Rasa catches up with the conversation when Deputy Kinoko goes to take the proffered cactus juice. "Don't drink that!" he says. "It could make you sick!"

"It's not poisonous, though," says Baki, unhelpfully. "It shouldn't make her sick."

Deputy Kinoko raises an eyebrow at Rasa.

"Go on, drink the cactus juice!" says Kankuro. "It'll quench your thirst."

"Don't drink the cactus juice!" says Rasa.

"I want to drink the cactus juice," says Deputy Kinoko.

"Don't drink the cactus juice!"

"Imma drink the cactus juice." Deputy Kinoko takes the cactus-bowl off Kankuro and drinks the cactus juice.

"So, did it quench your thirst?" asks Temari, eagerly.

Deputy Kinoko stares at the empty cactus shell and says, "It was very quenchy. I am quenched."

Kankuro starts giggling, Baki smiles and Temari hides her grin behind her hand. Gaara, of course, does not move.

Rasa sighs. "For one of the great and mighty stoic Uchiha clan, you are rather petty and impulsive."

"I am none of those things!" yells Deputy Kinoko, pointing at Rasa angrily. "I am your friendly neighbourhood Deputy Inspector Mushroom!"

"I get it, your name is 'mushroom', now please, Deputy Kinoko-"

"That's Friendly Neighbourhood Deputy Inspector Kinoko Uchiha to you, Kazekage-scum!"

Rasa glares at her and says, "I would hit you for that, but one should not hit a lady."

"I am not a lady, I am a mushroom!"

"I get it! Your name is mushroom, now stop acting like an idiot!"

"Hahahahaha!" Deputy Kinoko points at Rasa and laughs. "Your head just turned into a cabbage!"

"Great, now she's hallucinating," sighs Rasa, facepalming. "I tried to warn her… I will not be held responsible for this."

Deputy Kinoko starts humming a merry tune and dancing around. Then she grabs Gaara's hands and whirls him around with her, singing a popular song. Gaara seems to be enjoying himself for some strange reason.

Baki is grinning, and Kankuro and Temari are giggling.

"Are you quite finished?!" Rasa demands. "We need to get to the Hidden Sand!"

Deputy Kinoko stops dancing and clasps her hands together. "YAY!" she says ecstatically. "Let's skip through this field of flowers all the way to the Hidden Sand!" Deputy Kinoko grabs the nearest people to her - who just happen to be Gaara and Rasa himself - by the hand and starts skipping through the sand dunes, dragging them along with her. After a few steps, Gaara starts skipping too. Rasa manages to wrench his hand away and follow in a more normal fashion.

"This is one of your better ideas, Kankuro," Temari whispers to her brother.

* * *

The door to Jugo's cell opens, and Kimimaro looks in, smiling. "Jugo," he says. "I'd like you to come with me for a while."

"Where to?" asks Jugo, curious.

"Just outside," says Kimimaro. "You know I am dying. I would like to see the sun again before I die."

"Oh," says Jugo. "And you want me to go with you?"

"Yes," says Kimimaro.

"How long are you going outside for?" asks Jugo.

"Until I have seen the sun set and rise, and the moon and the stars, and felt the rain and wind and the warmth of the sun again," says Jugo. "Then I will come back inside and die in peace."

Jugo stands up. "Once you die, I will never set foot outside this cell again," he says. "I do not want to hurt anyone."

Kimimaro smiles. "It will be the last time both of us see the sky."

* * *

Deputy Kinoko whistles cheerfully as she walks. She is not even ashamed of her behavior while she was high on cactus juice. Kankuro and Temari assured her their father's reactions were hilarious. The sun is shining, the day is warm, Kinoko annoyed the Kazekage, and she is back in the Land of Fire, among the trees and singing birds. Yes, it is a good day.

Then Kinoko sees something in the forest, out of the corner of her eye. She walks backwards until it is back in her line of vision. There are two boys walking through the forest with a small flock of birds flying along behind them.

Unattended minors. She had better check to see if they are alright by themselves. "Hello!" Kinoko calls, waving.

The two boys, one white haired and one orange haired, stop walking and turn to look at her. "Hello," says the one with the white hair. He turns to keep walking but Kinoko trots over to the boys.

"What are you two kids doing out in the forest all by yourselves?" she asks.

"Walking," says the white haired boy. "What's it to you?"

"Oh, I'm just a passing policewoman, checking on two unattended minors," says Kinoko, shrugging. "So where are your parents?"

"Neither of us ever had parents," says the white haired boy. Then he staggers, nearly falling to the ground. He does not look well at all.

"Are you alright?" asks Kinoko, catching the boy before he hits the ground.

"I am dying," says the boy so matter-of-factly that is squeezes Kinoko's heart-strings.

"You poor thing," she says, sympathetically and carries him over to the nearest tree. She lays him down with his back against the tree. "You should rest. I think I'll stay here a bit."

"I'll kill you," says the Orange haired boy, with more bloodlust than Kinoko has heard from most adults.

"No you won't," says Kinoko firmly. "You are going to sit down beside your friend and we are going to talk like civilized people."

The boy shuffles over to his friend, sits down and stares at Kinoko. "You aren't afraid of me?"

"Why would I be?" asks Kinoko. "I'm a fully trained jounin and you're a kid."

"I still might kill you," says the kid. "Maybe...I don't really want to though."

"Then don't," says Kinoko. "I know! How about we all tell each other our life stories? It's good practice for the real world. Many times in a fight your opponent will stop the battle to talk your ear off. How about it?"

"Only if you go first," says the white haired boy.

"I will," says Kinoko. "My name is Kinoko Uchiha. What are your names?"

"I am Kimimaro of the Kaguya clan," says the white haired boy. "This is Bi-polar Jugo."

"Good, now that we are introduced, we can begin!"


	103. Three Sad Stories

_12, nearly 13, years ago…_

Officer Kinoko is on her way home from her shift at the police station. The evening is warm, and she is looking forward to seeing her family. Her civilian husband and their two year old son will be waiting for her so they can eat dinner together.

Kinoko stops walking when she feels something off in the air. Something doesn't feel right…

 _ROAR!_

The Nine Tailed Fox appears in the centre of the village.

Kinoko's blood runs cold. She runs home, weaving through the panicking people. Buildings are crashing down, people are screaming - it is too dangerous to shunshin in these conditions. It is too dangerous to jump onto the roofs.

The village's leading shinobi are trying to lure away the Fox.

Kinoko keeps running. She is nearly there. Then she sees her husband running towards her with their son in his arms. He smiles in relief when he sees her.

Then with a crash one of the Fox's tails knocks down a building. Kinoko tries to grab her husband, to pull him out of the way, but he is crushed along with their son an instant before she reaches them.

Kinoko's eyes burn.

Falling debris hits her, knocking her unconscious.

Kinoko doesn't even wake in time for the memorial service for all the fallen. But at least they didn't bury her family before she woke.

* * *

They are blaming the Uchiha clan. They are blaming the Uchiha clan because Madara could control the Nine Tails. Now people who used to be her friends cross the street when they see Kinoko. The fragile trust the Uchiha clan had finally built up with the rest of the village is shattered.

Kinoko is promoted to Deputy Inspector, but she still feels empty inside.

A rumor spreads around the village that a little boy named Naruto Uzumaki is actually the Nine Tailed Fox. Kinoko wonders if the stupid idiots even know what a jinchuuriki is. The poor kid is only three years old and already his childhood has been taken from him.

And now Naruto is six years old and he went and knocked out the entire police station with help from the Hyuuga heiress in order to draw mustaches on everyone.

The Chief is growing a mustache, and somehow he seems different. He stops Kyabetsu and his gang from convincing the Uchiha clan to stage a coup d'etat. Kinoko realizes that Fugaku has been infected with the Will of Fire.

They protect Naruto from people who hate him for being the jinchuuriki of the Nine Tails. The kid is starting to grow on Kinoko. It is not long before she, too, can feel the Will of Fire burning inside her. She doesn't feel whole, but at least she feels alive.

Then Kinoko realizes she has the Mangekyou Sharingan. She awakened it that night when her family died in front of her.

* * *

 _Ten Years Before the Present Day…._

Kimimaro does not hate the darkness. It is simply the only thing he knows. Locked in a cage for as long he can remember, carving faces into the walls of his prison, Kimimaro is used to the darkness. But why is he here? Why was he locked up? What did he do wrong? Doesn't anybody care about him?

He is pondering this when a huge man unlocks his cell and lets him out, telling him he must fight and make himself of use to the Kaguya clan.

They are to attack the Village Hidden in the Mist under cover of night to avenge something. Kimimaro does not understand why, or what he should do. But he is told to go to the village and kill every single person he comes across. So Kimimaro runs towards the Village Hidden in the Mist.

He stops running when he comes across a tall man with a large sword and a small girl with black hair walking along the road. "Are you from the Mist Village?" he asks them.

"No," says the man, grabbing his sword's hilt in warning.

"I see," says Kimimaro. "I'm sorry." He runs past them, towards the village. The man was scary, and it wasn't just because of the bandages covering the lower half of his face.

Kimimaro sees another person standing in the road. This one has long black hair and golden eyes. Kimimaro attacks thinking this one _must_ be from the Mist Village. The person knocks Kimimaro to the ground with ease. But Kimimaro wasn't fighting seriously, so he gets back up and charges at the strange person again.

"Just a moment," says the person, in a silky voice. "Don't be so hasty. I'm not from here. I'm from the Leaf Village. What you seek lies just over that ridge."

Kimimaro runs to the edge of the ridge the person so helpfully pointed to and sees a valley covered in mist. He jumps down, wondering what, exactly, a village actually is.

 _What is it that I fight for? What am I?_ Kimimaro asks himself as the Mist shinobi kill the Kaguya clan until only a few are left, cornered and trapped. But for the first time in his life, someone needs him, so Kimimaro fights.

Besides, if he does not fight, he will die.

And when dawn broke, he realized he was the only one who did survive. In the clear light of day, Kimimaro sees the bodies of his clansmen, piled up in a heap, and realizes he is alone. He sits in the tree he hid in the night before and feels worthless.

Kimimaro wanders alone from place to place, until one day he sees a white flower growing by a river. He smiles and goes over to it. "What are you doing blooming in a place like this?" he asks.

The flower doesn't answer, and Kimimaro gets mad at it for ignoring him. He pulls out his bone dagger and goes to kill the flower.

"That will do," says a silky voice, and Kimimaro turns to see the strange black haired and golden eyes person he met outside the Mist Village. "Maybe there is no meaning in life, but if you linger long enough, you might find something of value." The man smiles and pats Kimimaro's cheek. "Like how you discovered that flower or how I discovered you."

Kimimaro is happy. Someone wants him. He follows the golden eyed man - Orochimaru.

* * *

Jugo cannot control himself. He cannot stop himself from killing. But he enjoys it until he has already slaughtered entire villages, and comes down from his bloodlust. Then he feels soul crushing regret and horror at what he has done. So Jugo stays away from people and lives in a cave in the middle of the forest. The forest animals know to stay away when he heads into his cave.

The people nearby call him Bipolar Jugo, or 'Jugo of the Scales' in reference to how unbalanced he is. But so long as they keep their distance, Jugo does not care what they call him.

But then one day a boy his age walks into Jugo's cave. Jugo tries to kill him, but the boy pulls out his spine and uses it as a weapon to tie up Jugo and stop him in his tracks.

The strange boy offers Jugo a way out. If Jugo went with the boy to join Orochimaru, the boy who uses his spine as a weapon could stop Jugo from killing and maybe Jugo will someday be able to control himself.

Jugo goes. He does not want to kill anyone else, ever again.

The strange boy is Kimimaro. He was alone and feared once too, but with Orochimaru, he is not alone.

* * *

Orochimaru is not afraid of Jugo's power. He is enchanted by it. He finds a way to re-create it in others. They call it the Curse Mark. Not everyone survives. Then Kimimaro gets sick and Orochimaru gives him the Curse Mark too.

They all hoped the Cure Mark would slow the disease's progression, or even heal it.

It does not. Kimimaro is still dying.

And now Orochimaru is dead too. The Hidden Sound is in an uproar, the village Orochimaru created is trying to sort out who should lead them. Kabuto, Orochimaru's best medical expert, betrayed them to Akatsuki. Hundreds of prisoners escaped. Many people died in the struggle for power.

What will become of the Hidden Sound, the refuge for freaks and monsters?

Jugo does not care so long as they lock him up and throw away the key.

Kimimaro does not care, so long as he sees the sun before he dies. He was born in darkness, and he will die in darkness: but first he will see the sun.

* * *

 _The present day…_

Kimimaro looks up at the strange Leaf Kunoichi, waiting for her response. What will she say? What will she do? Will she be afraid? Will she try to kill them for being aligned with an enemy of the Leaf?

"So the two of you basically went to Orochimaru because he was not afraid of you, and had need of you?" asks Kinoko.

"Yes," confirms Kimimaro. "But now he is dead, and soon I will die. Then Jugo will be alone."

"What will you do, Jugo?" asks Kinoko, turning to look at Jugo, a searching expression on her face.

"I will lock myself away where I can never hurt anyone again," says Jugo.

Kinoko looks from one boy to the other, tears welling up in her eyes. "You poor kids," she says, wiping at her eyes, which have turned red for some reason.

"I'm going to kill you," says Jugo, and before Kimimaro can stop him, Jugo has already attacked Kinoko.

"Jugo! Stop!" Kimimaro yells.

Blood splatters on the ground.


	104. Is Anyone Sane?

"I'm going to kill you," says Jugo, unable to control himself any longer. He transforms his arm and takes a swing at Kinoko.

"Jugo! Stop!" Kimimaro yells.

Kinoko crosses her arms in front of her face defensively. Jugo's attack stops when he hits her arms, and blood falls to the ground. Jugo looks into Kinoko's eyes, wanting to see the fear.

All he sees is a spinning red and black pinwheel.

Jugo is entranced. His power fades away and he drops his arm, staring into Kinoko's spinning eyes.

"It's alright," says Kinoko soothingly. "You can't hurt me."

"But you're bleeding!" says Jugo, realizing what he tried to do. "I hurt you!"

"Don't be silly," says Kinoko and pulls out a medkit. She rolls up her sleeves and starts cleaning and bandaging the deep gashes Jugo gave her. "My arms will heal. But I think we had better do something about your situation. We can't have you locking yourself up in fear of yourself. That will just make you worse."

"What other choice do I have?" demands Jugo. "I can't control myself! Only Kimimaro can stop me!"

"I just stopped you, didn't I?"

"But we are your enemies," says Kimimaro. "He cannot follow you around for the rest of his life."

Kinoko grins. "That's an excellent idea! I'll just keep Jugo with me until he can control himself."

"But we're your enemies!" protests Jugo.

"Really?" asks Kinoko. "All I can see is a couple of lost orphans."

"Would you really look after Jugo?" asks Kimimaro earnestly. "I do not like the thought of him being locked away in the dark forever."

"Good, then that's settled!" says Kinoko. "Now, how about both of you come with me to the Hidden Leaf? I'm sure Kimimaro would like to make sure Jugo's new living arrangements are up to his standard."

"But I must go back…"

"Don't be silly." Kinoko grabs Kimimaro's hand and pulls him to his feet. Then she takes one of Jugo's hands and pulls to two teenagers along behind her. "I'm sure you'll like it in the Hidden Leaf. Did you know Lord Third Hokage trained Orochimaru? I'm sure he'll let you stay if we explain the situation. But then again, the Chief is head of security and my clan head, so the decision on whether or not to let you stay is actually up to him…"

* * *

Fugaku is busy waging war on his stash of paperwork when Kinoko bursts into the room. Her forearms are bandaged quite heavily and she has a huge grin on her face. "I trust your mission was successful?" says Fugaku, eyeing the bandages.

"Oh yes, that was a breeze," says Kinoko, brushing off the question. "I'll tell you about it later - once I've given my report to the Hokage. I have to go to the hospital first, though."

"So what are you doing here?"

"I found two orphans in the forest, can I keep them?"

"And by keep you mean…?"

"Adopt as my very own children."

"I'll have to meet these orphans," says Fugaku, getting up from his desk and glaring at the stack of paperwork that wobbles as he does so. Fugaku hasn't seen Kinoko this cheerful since her family was killed.

Kinoko leads the way downstairs to the station foyer, where two teenage boys are sitting nervously and trying not to make eye contact with anyone. They both look around 15 years old, but one is larger than the other. The bigger boy has orange hair and the smaller boy has white hair and two red dots on his forehead. "These are the boys, Chief," says Kinoko cheerfully.

Fugaku looks from one boy to the other, wondering what he should do. On the one hand, these two are obviously members of powerful, long-dead clans. On the other hand, Kinoko has her heart set on keeping them. He could always pull an Old Warmonger and keep allow her to keep them so long as they are of use to the village. But no, Kinoko would never stand for that. Besides, her dead son would've been the same age as these boys, had he lived.

"Hmm," muses Fugaku. "Do you know what a quandary this is? I mean, what if they turn out to be a threat to the village?"

"See this is why I didn't want to go!" says the orange haired boy. "I AM a threat to everyone!"

Fugaku regards the boy seriously. "Oh really? You think you are threat to everyone? Kid, two hidden Villages just joined forces to destroy the Hidden Leaf and we beat the crap out of those suckers. What makes you think _you_ would pose a threat to _us_?"

The other boy looks from Fugaku to Kinoko and then to the boy sitting beside him. "I hope Jugo can stay here. I do not want him to lock himself away forever after I die."

"You say that like you're going to drop dead any second," remarks Fugaku.

"I am dying," says the boy, matter-of-factly. "I am simply here to make sure Jugo is safe before I die."

"I thought you said you were keeping both of them, Deputy?" says Fugaku.

"I am," says Kinoko cheerfully. "I had to convince Kimimaro to come somehow. He's so set on dying a cold and lonely death from his terminal illness."

"Hn," says Fugaku, making up his mind. "Well you can fill out the damn paperwork yourself. I've got enough on my desk." Fugaku turns and heads back to his office.

* * *

Jugo and Kimimaro sit quietly while Kinoko fills out the immigration and adoption paperwork. They don't know about the adoption paperwork, though. Once she is done, Kinoko swings by Fugaku's office so he can sign the section about clan head approval for adoption, and the section in the immigration papers that must be signed by the Head of Security. Kinoko is very glad the Hokage doesn't need to see these papers, or these kids, to approve their move to the Hidden Leaf.

Once that is done, Kinoko shows Kimimaro and Jugo the paperwork.

"But this is…" Kimimaro says, astonished.

"You never said anything about adopting us!" says Jugo.

"Well I have now," says Kinoko grinning. "So now you have to call me 'Mum'."

"But…" Kimimaro stammers, taking a step backwards. "Why would you adopt an enemy nin who is about to die?"

"Maybe it's so they don't ask too many question when I take you to the Leaf hospital where you can live the rest of your days in comfort," shrugs Kinoko, who isn't sure herself why she decided to keep both boys. "Or maybe it's so the two of you are brothers through more than just a bond. Blood, inc, bond...You are connected through two of those things now."

* * *

Okami Uzumaki is taking a well-earned break from keeping the Uchiha girl alive. Kabuto swung by and is monitoring Sasuke. In the meantime, Okami is eating all the food she can get her hands on. One of the greatest secrets of the Uzumaki clan is its third kekkei genkai: being able to instantly convert food into chakra. It's why you never meet a fat Uzumaki. Any excess food goes straight to chakra. Most Uzumaki don't know about it, but the royal line does. However, it is a more formidable kekkei genkai than both the other two, simply because both men and women can inherit it.

They all have it, so no one realized it wasn't normal. And her duty as queen is to keep this knowledge under lock and key. Kage would kill for a bloodline like this.

Karin doesn't know about it yet, though. She will not learn until she shows signs of having developed it.

Okami is low on chakra from treating Sasuke, so Okami is eating.

Then Deputy Kinoko strides into the hospital pulling two teenaged boys along behind her. Kinoko's arms are bandaged so Okami waves her over. Good excuse to ask about the teens. "What happened to you?" asks Okami once Kinoko is close enough to hold a private conversation.

"I found two orphans in the forest and adopted them," says Kinoko.

"I ment 'what happened to your arms'," says Okami.

"Oh, that happened after we swapped tragic life stories," says Kinoko, who has obviously been drinking something that's messing with her brain.

"I dunno what you're high on, but if it makes you take in random kids who try to kill you after swapping life stories with them, I don't want any."

"Oh, you mean the cactus juice? Kankuro didn't say it was addictive…" Kinoko droops then perks up straight away. "So do you know who I should talk to about mystery diseases?"

"Mystery diseases?" asks Okami. "Who has a mystery disease?"

"Kimimaro does," says Kinoko, pushing forward one of her orphans.

"Let's have a look at you, then," says Okami, and does an examination right there in the hospital lobby, where she set up her lunch station. What she finds is treatable - if you have an ancient, powerful healing kekkei genkai. If not, this kid is as good as dead. Now: where to find an ancient, powerful healing kekkei genkai? "Bite me," Okami tells the boy.

"What?" says Kinoko's new orphan, a shocked expression all over his face.

Okami pulls up her sleeve, revealing the patchwork of bite marks on her arm and says, "Just do it. You'll feel better afterwards, I promise."

Obviously feeling a bit silly for doing so, the white haired orphan bites Okami's arm. His whole body glows with healing chakra, and Okami grits her teeth as all the chakra she just built up drains away.

Then the orphan takes his mouth away from Okami's arm and steps back, a look of shock on his face. "What kind of freaky power is that?" he asks. "I am completely healed…"

"That's the pot calling the kettle black!" laughs Kinoko.

"But that power is weird!" repeats the boy, the shock on his face no less than before.

"Says the kid who literally pulls out his spine and uses it as a weapon," grins Kinoko, patting the kid on top of his head.

"Now that is a cool power," says Okami before yelling: "I need another five rounds of whatever the kitchen is cooking!"


	105. The Legendary Sucker

**AN: It has come to our attention that many readers do not remember what happened in earlier chapters. After a conference with Ignus Dracorex (the coauthor you probably all forgot about) we decided to do story recaps at the beginning of each new arc. Here is the first recap. Enjoy.**

 **The Adopting Naruto arc: ch 1-12.**

At the tender age of five, Naruto gets a bit fed up with his foster family and decides he wants out, so he goes for a walk to see the Hokage. He never actually makes it because he is distracted by Ichiraku Ramen on the way. Iruka is at Ichiraku's and decides the Naruto is cute, and he's gonna keep it. Naruto is not sure about that plan, but Teuchi approves, and that is all that matters, so Iruka takes Naruto home.

After Kakashi freaks out over not being able to find Naruto, Iruka drops Naruto at the park for the day where Naruto makes friends with Hinata. At the end of the day, Naruto meets Shikaku, Iruka's jounin sensei, and decides that Hiashi Hyuuga is a nice man. The council calls a meeting because, unlike Teuchi, Danzo does not approve of Iruka keeping Naruto. At the meeting, Hiashi gloats about Naruto thinking he is a nice man after Shikaku mentions it to annoy Danzo. In a further attempt to annoy Danzo, Shikaku sticks up for Fugaku when Danzo starts picking on the Uchiha. Said Uchiha starts having an existential crisis, thinking that maybe his life is a lie and it is only Danzo that hates his clan, and not the whole village. (Watch this space.)

Feeling rather annoyed, Danzo decides to take matters into his own hands and hires a Mist ninja to kill Iruka. He picked the wrong kunoichi, and Mei Terumi is not coming to the party. She accepts his mission, and then arranges to have a pair called Wind and Rain save Iruka at the last second. (Remember these two, they are kinda important.) Iruka goes on a mission, after telling Naruto not to cause too much trouble while he is gone. Naruto takes this advice to heart and immediately begins planning a prank. Shisui Uchiha also goes on a mission after chatting to Itachi about stopping the Uchiha coup. After beating up some Mist ninjas, Shisui arrives back in the Leaf just in time to catch Naruto and Hinata graffiting mustaches on the Uchiha police force's faces. Shisui acts his age and joins in.

Meanwhile, Mei gives Iruka the evidence against Danzo before knocking him out and leaving him in the care of Wind and Rain, who played the part of heros perfectly. Shikaku takes his genins back to the Leaf and consults with the Hokage, who gets Iruka to unseal the envelope Mei placed the evidence in. The seal is an ancient Whirlpool Seal, but luckily, Iruka is from one of the Whirlpool founding clans and opens it easily. Naruto is impressed and asks Iruka to teach him about sealing (watch this space).

The Hokage calls a meeting of the clan heads and Danzo, who is Not Pleased by any of this. Fugaku arrives having just started growing a mustache, and forbidding his clan to stage a coup after some upstart called him a coward (remember the upstart, he's important.) Danzo is executed for treason after the Hokage tells the clan heads what he has done, and they all get very angry. Wind and Rain soon find out and are very pleased that Danzo is gone, mentioning plans to tell Yahiko. Iruka starts teaching Naruto fuuinjutsu and literacy. Meanwhile, Kakashi sees Wind and Rain watching Naruto. They soon notice him and leave, but not before Kakashi overhears the shady pair remark that Naruto reminds them of "sensei", and that they want kids, but the world is too dangerous, even with Danzo gone.

 **Arashi and** **Kazama** **arc: ch 13-21**

Lord Third hosts a party for Naruto's sixth birthday, at which Shisui gets a sugar high, Naruto steals the Fourth Hokage's cloak and learns who his parents were. Naruto also learns that his godfather, who sends him presents around this time of year, is named Jiraiya. A month later, Jiraya's present of a lot of Mount Myoboku themed school supplies arrives. Fugaku is seen laughing in public and Tenzou blackmails Kakashi into going on a date with her (remember this date, it is important). Naruto also reveals that he can smell the ANBU (Kakashi) who hangs around him sometimes, a fact that will be very important later, so remember it.

The Chunin Exams are coming up and Iruka has to study, but while he does Naruto alternates between playing with his friends and practicing his fuuinjutsu. He is now good enough to use proper inc and study unsupervised. Iruka leaves Naruto with very specific instructions on what not to do, so of course Naruto accidently does all those things. He makes his plushie Gamabunta stick to his arm, creates a seal capable of causing an earthquake, summons a Shinigami named Joe (remember him, he'll be back in the story soon), and summons a unicorn named Sparkles and a phoenix named Sparky. Hinata goes into business with the unicorn and Naruto keeps Sparky as a pet. The training culminates with Naruto turning off his personal gravity after drawing a seal on his arm in his own blood. Even the combined might of Hiashi and Hizashi Hyuuga, Shisui Uchiha and Fugaku of the Mighty Mustache cannot help, so Naruto is stuck floating until he can turn off the seal himself.

While Naruto has finally done what we created this mess solely to have him do, a kinda-old couple in the land of Tea have discovered their long-lost son is actually alive, so they head off to the chunin exams, hoping to find him there. So while Iruka is blatantly wearing the Fourth's old jacket and Naruto got the best view in the stadium thanks to his floating, the Fourth Hokage's parents are taken to see the Hokage. Turns out the kinda-old couple are the Fourth's mummy and daddy, who thought he died when their village was destroyed. They found out otherwise after Kazama saw Minato's profile in a bingo book (you better remember that, it will be mentioned again). Arashi and Kazama are suitably upset after learning their son is dead for realsies now, and head off to leave the village while Lord Third goes even greyer trying to think of a way to unite them with Naruto. Iruka hears about the goings on, withdraws from the the Chunin Exams and summons Joe the Shinigami (who will be back, so don't forget him). Joe confirms Arashi and Kazama are Minato's parents, grabs Naruto and flies off to give him to the sad couple. Fugaku of the Mighty Mustache sees a Shinigami fly past with Naruto and, like the good police chief he is, goes to investigate.

Fugaku of the Mighty Mustache does the responsible thing and packs everyone off to see the Hokage before sending Joe and Naruto to fetch Iruka. While they do that, Lord Third explains the situation to Lord Fourth's parents, who are suitably miffed they were not told about Naruto right away. Fugaku of the Mighty Mustache comes up with a solution to the problem, saying that no one would care if Lord Fourth's parents looked after the jinchuuriki Minato died to create. Hiruzen agrees and insists Arashi and Kazama also look after Iruka (watch this space, it's about to get real interesting). Arashi and Kazama agree, although a little reluctantly. Iruka and Naruto are ecstatic with the turn of events and Joe is sent back to Shinigami land. **  
The Academy Days arc: ch 22-29**

Naruto starts at the Academy with his friends, and meets Sasuke at the opening ceremony. Sasuke gets all clingy and jealous when Naruto waves to her Dad, Fugaku of the Mighty Mustache. Lord Third, seeing the danger of having all four pranksters in one classroom, puts Hinata and Choji in one class and Naruto and Shikamaru in the other. Some of the kids from Root are also starting the Academy, and everyone's favourite Sai and his brother are in Naruto's class. Meanwhile, Sasuke has met Shino and Madoka (who in case you haven't figured it out yet is genderbent Sakura.) Some kid tries to make fun of Choji, and Hinata promptly scares him away from the academy forever, opening up a place in her class (watch that space). Later on that night, Naruto goes to visit Iruka in his room and has a chat about how horrible the Academy is, and learns that the shinigami his Dad used to seal away the nine tails was named Steve. Naruto is a little miffed that he cannot share a room with Iruka anymore because he wants bunk beds .

While all this is going on in the Leaf, Karin's mum has decided, after consulting Joe the Shinigami, that she and her daughter are moving to the Leaf. So they pack their s### and head off. Karin goes to the Academy, taking the place of the boy Hinata scared away on the first day. At the Academy, Karin makes friends with two other aspiring medical ninjas: Madoka and Ino. The three of them join a newly formed class for medical ninjas. Hinata takes Karin to meet Naruto, who shows her his anti-gravity seal. Karin summons Joe in an attempt to copy the seal. Joe unsummons himself after he nearly lets slip something about saving someone. After a while, Karin's mum turns up, as does Iruka. Turns out Iruka's Dad trained Karin's mum.

About a year passes, during which Iruka turns 17 and becomes a chunin (we forgot to mention that). Arashi has fun playing Dad to Iruka and Naruto, while Kazama and Iruka are locked in a power struggle over Naruto's upbringing. The power struggle culminates in an argument that ends with Iruka running off to go on a mission to cool off. Lord Third sends Iruka to the ruins of the Hidden Whirlpool as the Chunin commander of a team made up of Hana Inuzuka, Might Guy and Itachi Uchiha. Their job is to retrieve a scroll from the Temple of Joe. Only members of the Whirlpool's founding clans can get in and out of the temple, which is surrounded by a wall of fire. So Iruka goes off by himself to get the scroll after setting off an old trap that disables ninjutsu and genjutsu use. In the temple, Iruka runs into Mei Terumi again. She's after the scroll too. While Iruka does the hanky-panky with Mei, his team is part of three-way fight against some Mist ninjas, Rain ninjas, Sasori of the Red Sand and Kakuzu of the Hidden Waterfall, who is only interested in bounties. Itachi helpfully points out which Mist Ninjas have the biggest ones, and Kakuzu and Sasori soon claim their prizes and leave. Might Guy beats up the Rain ninjas all on his own while Hana and Itachi share some dango and become besties.

There is also a scene in which we reveal that Wind and Rain work for Akatsuki, and that Akatsuki sent someone to retrieve the scroll. But it is ultimately Mei who gets the scroll after knocking out Iruka once he has his pants back on. Iruka is embarrassed by the manner of his defeat, but also rather pleased with himself because he screwed sempai. He rejoins his team, who found a picture of him as a baby, and the four of them head back to the Leaf. On the way, Iruka learns about specialist exams at the academy, and resolves to have Naruto pass based on his fuuinjutsu. Upon arrival back in the Leaf, Iruka discovers that Naruto turned off his anti-gravity seal and painted mustaches on the police station. Iruka also makes up with Kazama after much apologizing on both sides. The Uchiha police send the Prankster Gang an invite to paint the chief's door with mustaches, and run off to get better locks for their lunchboxes so Hinata can't steal their food. **  
Kakashi arc: ch 30-35**

We rejoin Naruto after a time skip that takes us to where cannon began: with twelve-year-old Naruto graffiting the Hokage faces the day before his graduation test. Upon being caught red-handed, Naruto makes like his future son and Bolts. He gets a lecture from his grandparents and Iruka, but it doesn't matter since he can pass on the specialist test easily. Speaking of passing, half his classmates did that the previous year, after their old senseis retired and were replaced by Iruka and Mizuki. So now all four pranksters are in one class because the two classes combined under Mizuki for the final year. Iruka has the new entrants class. Mizuki refuses to let Naruto take the specialist test, but passes Naruto just barely out of pity on the normal test. His aim is to give Naruto no chance with the jounins, but Kakashi isn't playing ball and throws out his genins' profiles before he's even finished Naruto's one.

Kakashi is miffed by how similar his new team is to his old team from his childhood, and promptly puts them through the bell test. However, they all have common sense and families respectively this time around and turn up with breakfast in their bellies and a plan in mind. The plan soon changes once they learn the nature of the test, but Madoka smells a rat and makes his own plan. Team Seven Passes the Bell Test so thoroughly they break the test, their sensei and the Hokage. Wind and Rain, who watched the whole thing, laugh their butts off once the coast is clear, then go home to their kid. Sasuke goes home to tell her parents she passed, and gets huffy when she sees Itachi cuddling their baby brother Eizo-Mori (watch this space).

Naruto tells his family he passed before heading to the Hokage's house to steal some photos of his parents. While he is there he stops some thieves, one of whom he recognizes as Mizuki, from killing Konohamaru. The thieves retreat with the scroll they came to steal after Naruto knocks out Mizuki (remember the thieves). Naruto teaches Konohamaru some valuable life lessons, including the sexy jutsu, and they become rivals for the Hokage's paperwork and title. **  
The Land of Waves Arc: ch 36-51**

So now we arrive at the infamous Zabuza and Haku arc, but things happen a little differently this time. First of all, Sparky comes along for the ride. Secondly, Zabuza does not attack Team Seven on their way to the Land of Waves. Kakashi still teaches his team to climb trees like real ninjas, and Madoka masters it pretty quickly. Zabuza sends Haku to do some sleuthing, and she inspires Naruto and Sasuke to be better ninjas. Sasuke also dies her hair blue as a result of meeting Haku. Madoka and Kakashi realize Haku is a spy, but have no idea Naruto thinks she is a friend. Inari's sob-story is shared, and Naruto decides to prove heroes do exist. Zabuza decides to attack the Leaf ninjas ahead of his original schedule when he gets a message that Wind and Rain are on their way, and none too pleased with the situation.

Right on time with cannon, Zabuza and Haku face off with Team Seven on the bridge. Haku decides to solo Sasuke, and Naruto arrives late after saving Inari's mum and helping Inari awaken his inner badass. After a tussle with Haku in which Sasuke awakens her sharingan because she REALLY wants to and gets herself 'killed', Naruto gets annoyed and unleashes some ninetails fury on Haku and breaks her mask. Haku's backstory comes out, and Naruto reluctantly agrees to kill Haku for being useless. Haku sees that Kakashi is about to kill Zabuza and nopes out of that plan in favour of saving her master. Wind and Rain arrive right on cue after Sparky plays GPS for them, and save Haku from death, but not injury. Gato arrives and tells Zabuza the deal's off because Zabuza sucks. Naruto gets angry when Zabuza doesn't stop Gato from poking Haku's injury and has a rant. Zabuza gets emotional and chops off Gato's head with a kunai before agreeing to join Akatsuki if Wind and Rain heal Haku. Inari turns up with the rest of the village and helps Team Seven, Wind and Rain scare off the rest of Gato's thugs. Sasuke wakes up and is confused.

Wind and Rain go and steal the Sacred Scroll of Sealing back from Orochimaru, who was literally about to transfer his soul into an Uchiha woman and kill Mizuki for being useless. Wind and Rain then give the Scroll to Naruto, who learns the Multi Shadow Clone Jutsu from it, and also masters his anti-gravity seal with help from Kakashi. Kakashi starts Maes Hughsing over his wife and kid after Naruto recognises him as his ANBU because Kakashi smells the same as the ANBU. Kakashi is not sure whether or not to be scared of a flying, shadow clone spawning Naruto. Team Seven Heads back to the Leaf, and Inari's Grandpa names his bridge after Naruto. Back in the Leaf, Kakashi gets Lord Third to tell Naruto about the nine tails, and Naruto starts to doubt his parent's love (and yes, I am going somewhere with this). Sasuke gets grounded for dying her hair because she is not allowed to do that. **  
Sasuke's filler: ch 52-53**

Sasuke's cat makeover emporium is discovered and Sasuke, Kakashi, Madoka and Kazama all get kittens. It's a filler, of course only two important things happen, one of which is actually relevant to the story. **  
Chunin exams arc: ch 54-101**

And now we finally make it to the chunin exam arc, which begins with Naruto showing up later than Kakashi after he learned the shunshin from Shisui, who has his own genin team and really shouldn't be stealing Kakashi's. Kakashi leaves after being summoned to the Hokage tower where he and the other jounins discover that a rather messy Shisui had just been making out with Itachi. Shisui, Guy, Kakashi, Kurenai and Asuma all put their teams forward, and Iruka wonders if the exams will be alright.

Back with Team Seven, Konohamaru and Friends turn up to get Naruto to play with them, but end up running for their lives when Kono mistakes Madoka for a girl. Kono runs right into Kankuro of the Sand village, who is grumpy because his Dad didn't give him the yearly hug. So Kankuro tries to beat up Konohamaru, but is thwarted when Sasuke decides she wants some time to shine. Gaara turns up and tells off Kankuro for being an idiot. Naruto decides he likes Gaara and asks him to be his friend faster than Minato crosses a continent. Gaara declines the offer and leaves, but secretly wonders if friends hug each other, because if so, befriending Naruto might be a good idea, considering he wants a hug too.

Kakashi gives his genins the entry forms and Sasuke is forced to babysit Eizo, who she's never actually touched. Eizo fixes that by screaming loudly until Sasuke gives him a hug. Eizo says his first words and takes his first attempt at standing in an effort to tell his parents he thinks Sasuke's hair is pretty. Arashi announces plans to study the history of the whirlpool, Naruto discovers he can make the antigrav seal affect things other than himself and Fugaku screws up at parenting. Sasuke gets even more grounded, but that doesn't stop Shisui and Itachi from sending her to the exams so they can be alone. Itachi tells Shisui she's pregnant, Fugaku finds out and gets a bit angry. Mikoto grounds Itachi, and Shisui runs for his life.

At the exams, Sasuke picks a fight with some kid, and Rock Lee picks a fight with Sasuke. Then they all go and do Ibiki's test (after checking out Kabuto's Ninja Info Cards), which Naruto passes using a funky seal and some Naruto-ness. Anko arrives right on time for her part in the plot and packs everyone off into the forest of death after agreeing to return Eizo, who turned up looking to play with Sasuke. Anko hands Eizo over to Ibiko, who uses him to crack a prisoner. Eizo is only too happy to help, and is soon returned to mummy so that Ibiki and daddy can have a conference with the hokage about the impending invasion they uncovered.

Orochimaru doesn't show up in the forest of death, so all the leaf rookies (including Team Shisui) make it to the finals easily. They all hold a preliminary exam, which Fugaku turns up for. Naruto convinces Fugaku not to kill Shisui (the real reason Fugaku turned up) and all of Team Seven makes it through the prelims. Karin awakens her chakra chains, and Naruto assures Kankuro he only wants to be friends with Gaara. Gaara, who is jealous of how many hugs Lee gets from Guy, breaks Lee. Neji hurts Hinata and Naruto gets really angry at him, Madoka kicks Ino's ass and proves nerds can be strong. Other than that, nothing of note happens in the prelims except for Jiraiya turning up to visit Naruto and discovering Minato's parents are looking after him and have adopted Iruka as their very own.

Jiraiya trains Naruto much the same as in cannon, including the whole cliff-throwing incident. Kazama is suitably annoyed, as is Gamabunta, who is flattered that Naruto thinks he's the bee's knees and the strongest toad ever. Meanwhile, Kakashi is trying to teach Sasuke the chidori, but he has to work around her grounding schedule and Tenzou's PTSD (remember that date? Yeah, those two are married with two kids now). That, and he has a new baby to look after. After the cliff incident, Naruto goes to hospital and wakes up in time to stop Gaara from killing Lee over hug-jealousy.

So the finals roll around, and Sasuke, who is allowed to participate to give the Uchiha clan an excuse to be there for the invasion, which is still a secret, advises Tenzou not to bring her baby. Tenzou doesn't listen and comes anyway. Naruto beats the mean streak out of Neji while Sparky gets Wind to help Hinata, who is having problems with her injuries. Sparky also notices that this is a different Wind to the one he has met before, but decides it does not matter. The leader of the Sound uses her bust to get Hiruzen to delay the next match so she can go the ladies room. FYI: the Sound Leader is Orochimaru, and while she's taking a potty break, she gives Kabuto permission to postpone the invasion so he can get to the finals because she wants to watch the whole thing. So eventually they get to Sasuke VS Gaara, and Fugaku swells up with Fatherly Pride while an ANBU gets him up to speed on the invasion status. Gaara, who is jealous of the fact that Sasuke's Dad is proud of her, crushes half of her body. Fugaku awakens the rinnegan, and Itachi and Mikoto awaken the Mangekyou sharingan because they think Sasuke is dead. A nearby ANBU lends Fugaku some shades to hide his rinnegan, and Fugaku goes back to his post protecting the Hokage. The rest of the matches happen (if you can't remember them re read it), Shino cries about Sasuke's death and Temari gets pissy at Naruto after Naruto's fight with Gaara, in which Naruto knocks the life story out of Gaara and forces Gaara to re-evaluate his beliefs. Temari, Kabuto and Naruto make it to the finals, but Kabuto gets his ass kicked so Temari and Naruto can have an aerial battle.

Unfortunately, the invasion starts before they can finish because Fugaku's Deputy, Kinoko, discovers that there are traitors among the Uchiha. Kinoko promptly uses her Mangekyou (which she got when her civilian husband and kid died) to kick half the traitor's asses. Jiraiya owns the other half in an effort to protect the lovely ladies in the hot springs. Turns out the leader of the traitors is the upstart that called Fugaku a coward. Meanwhile, Fugaku is beating the stuffing out of Rasa for being a terrible Dad. He would have used his rinnegan, but when he tried he summoned Konan, who stops Fugaku from killing Rasa. While he is doing that, Lord Third is having a smackdown with Orochimaru and her summoned Hokages. Rain lends a hand, but he kills Orochimaru before releasing the reanimation jutsu, meaning the Leaf is now stuck with the re animations of Lords First and Second. Tenten is impressed by Iruka's fighting and becomes his side kick (watch this space).

Kiba leads the way on a Sasuke hunt, where they learn that Karin's mum is the Uzumaki queen and saved Sasuke with some help from Kabuto (who is Wind #2's son), Wind #2, the ANBU who gave Fugaku the shades and Karin herself. Third realizes the ANBU is not his, but Konan says the ANBU is with her. After Tenten points out that Tsunade might be able to help Sasuke, Naruto drags Jiraiya off on a road trip to hunt down the Slug Princess. Hashirama decides that Tenzou is his kid because of the DNA grafting and follows her home. Konan arranges for Lord Third to meet the Leader of the Hidden Rain.

 **Mushroom filler: 102-104**

Deputy Kinoko escorts the Sand Sibs and their Dad and sensei back to the Sand. Gaara is happy, because even though he still didn't get a hug, the Deputy played with him after Kankuro got her high on cactus juice. Once that is done, Deputy Kinoko meets Juugo and Kimimaro, who she then adopts as her very own. Karin's mum heals Kimimaro's illness because this is a filler and it has no effect on her ability to help Sasuke stay alive until Tsunade arrives.

 **Speaking of Tsunade arriving, let's get on with the chapter, shall we?**

* * *

Hiruzen glares at his paperwork. How dare it increase so drastically! Someone knocks on his office door. "Enter!" calls Hiruzen, glad of the excuse to ignore his paperwork for a while.

The door opens and in walks Konan, followed by two men, one with red hair and one with orange hair. The one with orange hair has a magnetic charisma about him that Hiruzen is sure draws many people to him.

I hope the red head isn't an Uzumaki, thinks Hiruzen. I have enough to deal with.

Then he sees the rinnegan.

The red head's hair is covering one eye, so Hiruzen does not know if the man has a complete set of rinnegan but, unless it was stolen, the redhead has a pair of the most dangerous and legendary eyes to ever exist.

Hiruzen's welcoming smile is a little strained. "Welcome," he says. "I've been expecting you."

"Thank you," says the red head. "I am Nagato Uzumaki, leader of the Village Hidden in the Rain."

Hiruzen nearly jumps out the window and runs for the hills.

Of course this rinnegan-bearer is an Uzumaki.

"Lord Hokage?" says the orange haired man. "You look a bit pale. Is something the matter?"

"NO, no, nothing is the matter," denies Hiruzen, trying to stop his internal screaming. "And who are you?"

"Oh, I am Yahiko," says the orange haired man.

"I am Hiruzen Sarutobi, Third Hokage of the Village Hidden in the Leaves," says Hiruzen, stupidly.

"We know," says Konan, her mouth twitching into a smile.

"Um, have a seat," says Hiruzen, gesturing to the chair he reserves for visitors of importance.

Nagato looks at the chair, then at Hiruzen and says, "No thank you. I'd rather stand."

"Sucks for you," says Yahiko, and drapes himself over the chair.

"So how is Jiraiya sensei?" asks Konan. "I only saw him for a few seconds before Naruto dragged him away, and I don't think he even saw me there."

"Ah, well," says Hiruzen. "He is on a road trip...how do you know Jiraiya?"

"He trained us!" grins Nagato.

"He trained you…" Hiruzen is momentarily confused. Then he remembers. "Of course! You are the three orphans that he stayed in the Hidden Rain to look after!"

"Yes!" grins Nagato, stepping right up to Hiruzen's desk and leaning on it. "That's us! Can we stay in the Leaf until he gets back? Please? It's been ages since we saw him…"

"You know he thinks you three are dead, right?" says Hiruzen, leaning forward and regarding the eager youngsters seriously.

"That's why we have to talk to him," says Nagato. "To let him know we are alright, and I'm the leader of the Hidden Rain."

"Speaking of which," says Hiruzen, remembering that this is supposed to be an official meeting. "What did you want to meet with me about?"

"Oh...um...I just wanted to say 'hi' and introduce myself as Hanzo's successor," says Nagato.

Hiruzen sees through it right away. "You mean you just wanted to ask permission to see Jiraiya again."

All three of them stare at Hiruzen. "How did you know?" asks Konan.

"I spent the last 12 years dealing with an Uzumaki kid," says Hiruzen sighing. "I can read Uzumakis like an open book."

"Oh."

"So, um, can we stay and meet Jiraiya sensei?" asks Nagato hopefully.

"Yes you may, but stay out of trouble," agrees Hiruzen.

The three Dignitaries from the Hidden Rain thank Hiruzen most ecstatically and vacate his office, leaving the Hokage alone with his paperwork.

Hiruzen buries his face in his hands. He is far too old to deal with another Uzumaki.

That's it: Hiruzen is retiring and appointing a Fifth Hokage! Maybe Jiraiya or Tsunade will do it. He'll ask them when they get back.

* * *

Naruto dawdles along beside Pervy Sage. What is this Tsunade going to be like? Will they get home in time to save Sasuke and Karin's mum?

"Hey Naruto, we'll be stopping to search for Tsunade a lot, so do you wanna learn a jutsu while we travel?" asks Pervy Sage, snapping Naruto out of his thoughts.

"What kind of jutsu?" asks Naruto, interested.

"The Fourth Hokage's very own, original jutsu!" says Pervy Sage dramatically.

Naruto stops walking. His father's own jutsu… Would his father even want him learning that jutsu? Did his father even care about him a tiny bit? Naruto feels conflicted. It's probably a really strong jutsu…

Naruto looks up at Pervy Sage and asks, "Why do you want to teach me The Fourth's jutsu? You keep telling me I'm a terrible ninja."

Pervy Sage looks mortified. "Well...umm…" Pervy Sage says awkwardly. "You actually kinda remind me of me me when I was your age." Pervy Sage puts his hand on Naruto's head. "But I believe you are the only person who can surpass the Fourth Hokage."

"Really?" says Naruto, his eyes wide. Does Pervy Sage actually believe in him? Was he wrong about Pervy Sage?

"Yes really," says Pervy Sage. "Once we get to the next town, I'll start teaching you. I need to get some things to help you learn it first."

"AWESOME!" yells Naruto, and trots along beside Pervy Sage, eager to get to the next town.

* * *

Shizune is horrified when he sees what town Lady Tsunade is planning to visit next. "But this town is full of gambling centres!" Shizune protests.

Lady Tsunade ignores him and keeps walking. Tonton buries her head under her hooves and oinks in distress. Shizune scoops up Tonton and trots after Tsunade.

Tsunade marches to the gambling den with the highest gambling rates. Shizune hugs Tonton tightly, afraid to say anything lest Tsunade knock him out and stuff him in the nearest skip bin. That has actually happened before. Shizune tried to stop Lady Tsunade from gambling away all their money and woke up the next morning in a skip bin. All their money was gone, of course. Shizune holds his tongue and quakes in fear now days.

Tsunade walks into the gambling hall and opens her briefcase full of money. Shizune hides behind the door and watches in horror, unable to do anything.

The men at the gambling table stare at Tsunade in surprise.

"Exchange all this money for tokens!" Tsunade demands.

"Who is she?" one man whispers to another.

"She's the Legendary Sucker!" the man replies, grinning.

All the other men grin and laugh and generously include Tsunade in their game.

And of course they all make a killing.

Tsunade, of course, loses everything.

All this time, the men at the gambling hall have been generously lavishing Tsunade with sake in case she changes her mind and quits before gambling away all her money. Then all the money is gone, and Tsunade is drunk out of her wits.

"One more round!" insists Tsunade, waving around an empty sake bottle.

"You have nothing left to bet," points out the man in charge.

"Whaddabout these two?" says Tsunade, waving the bottle at Tonton and Shizune, who are hiding by the door.

"No, Lady Tsunade!" protests Shizune, afraid for his and Tonton's lives. "We have to leave now!"

The men fall to discussing this offer.

"I could always use a new assistant in my shop…" says one.

"The pig would make good eating…" says another

"I think it's a pet," remarks another. "I wonder if my kid would like a pet pig?"

"The young man would make nice eye-candy," puts in another. "I can always use a good piece of eye candy in my strip-club…"

Shizune grows steadily more horrified by the minute. Of course she would be able to escape any of these situations easily, but what about Tonton!?

"So it's settled then," says the man in charge. "The Legendary Sucker will bet the pig and the young man behind her."

Shizune watches the round in fear.

Then Tsunade wins big.

Not just big, but EVERYTHING. Everything she lost, plus everything put on the table that round. And then she goes another and another until the tables are completely turned and she has everything, but the others have nothing.

Shizune is relieved, but Tsunade gets up and leaves, only taking the amount she started with and leaving the rest behind.

Shizune runs after Lady Tsunade with Tonton in his arms. "We finally win some money, and you leave most of it behind! What's gotten into you, Lady Tsunade?"

"Shizune, this is terrible," says Lady Tsunade. "Everytime I win at gambling, something bad happens. Based on the amount I just won, we might be facing the apocalypse."

Shizune laughs nervously, thinking it must be the alcohol.


	106. Rasengan Training Begins

"Alright, Naruto," says Pervy Sage, putting down the bucket of water balloons he refused to explain the reason for. "It's time to start learning that jutsu I was telling you about. I'm going to show you what to do, and while I search the town for Tsunade, I want you to practice. Don't be too upset if you don't get the hang of it before we get back to the Leaf - this jutsu took the Fourth three years to develop."

"Okay," says Naruto, eagerly. "Can you show me the jutsu first?"

"Of course," says Pervy Sage. He holds out his right hand and grasps his wrist with his left hand. "This is called the Rasengan." A ball of blue spinning energy forms in Pervy Sage's hand.

Naruto's eyes grow wide as he stares at it in awe. "So cool, 'tebayo…"

Pervy Sage grins and slams the ball into a nearby tree, shattering the bark around where the ball hits the tree. "That is the Rasengan!" says Pervy Sage, turning back to Naruto and grinning. "Now are you ready to train your butt off?"

"YES I AM, DATTEBAYO!"

"Good, then allow me to explain the first step in learning the Rasengan!" says Pervy Sage, taking a water balloon out of the bucket. "The first step is to pop the water balloon."

"Why?" asks Naruto, skeptically.

"It's the first stage of learning how to mold your chakra," explains Pervy Sage. "You know how to channel chakra out of your hands, right?"

"Yes."

"Good, then pick up a balloon."

Naruto does so. "Now what?" he asks.

"Now channel your chakra into the balloon," says Jiraiya. "Use it to make the water turn around inside the balloon until the balloon pops like mine did. Do you understand?"

"Umm…" Naruto screws up his face in thought. "I have to make the water in the balloon spin around with my chakra until it pops?"

"Yes," says Pervy Sage, crossing his arms and nodding self-importantly. "That's exactly it. It will take lots of practice, so don't give up."

"Okay," says Naruto. "What way should I make it spin?"

"That depends, are you left handed or right handed?"

"I'm right handed," says Naruto.

"Then spin it around to the right," says Pervy Sage. "Right handed people find it easier to spin to the right and left handed people find it easier to spin to the left."

Naruto holds out the water balloon in his hand and spins the water around with his chakra, Nothing happens.

"Keep practicing," says Pervy Sage. "I'll be in town looking for Tsunade."

Naruto turns his attention to popping the water balloon.

* * *

Konan sits on the windowsill while Nagato and Yahiko cheerfully fight over a copy of _Make Out Paradise_.

"But you read it already!" shouts Yahiko. "I want a turn!"

"I didn't FINISH reading it!" counters Nagato.

"But You've read it TWICE before!"

"You've read it FIVE TIMES ALREADY!"

"Why don't we just buy another copy?" suggests Konan, trying not to smile.

Yahiko and Nagato stare at her as if she just discovered the secret to immortality.

"Let's go to the bookshop!" Yells Nagato, jumping up and running for the door.

Yahiko is only a few centimeters behind him. Konona follows her husband and best friend out of the inn and into the main town area of Konoha.

"It's so sunny here!" says Yahiko, grinning. "I like it!"

Nagato sniffs the air. "I smell ramen," he says.

"Well, it is nearly lunchtime," shrugs Yahiko. "Let's follow Nagato's nose to the ramen."

Nagato follows his nose, and Konan and Yahiko follow Nagato. Soon they come across a ramen stand called Ichiraku Ramen. Nagato follows his nose inside the stand and sits down on one of the bar stools. "One Miso Ramen with extra naruto, please," he orders.

Yahiko sits down and orders whatever the day's special is.

Konan sits down between Yahiko and the stand's other occupant, who has a toddler on his lap. Konan orders what Yahiko ordered, but with extra naruto.

"Hey, I know you!" says the man sitting beside Konan.

Konan turns in surprise. Then she smiles. "Hey, you're the man who summoned me!"

Yahiko and Nagato lean forward to look past Konan at Fugaku.

"So who are these two?" asks Fugaku, raising his eyebrows at Yahiko and Nagato while the toddler on his lap tries to get the noodles from the bowl to his mouth. They keep sliding out of his chopsticks.

"This is my husband, Yahiko," says Konan, putting her hand on Yahiko's shoulder. "And that is Nagato Uzumaki, the guy I told you about - who has the same eyes as you."

"Ah," says Fugaku. "Nice to meet you two. I'm Fugaku Uchiha."

"Bad noodles!" yells the toddler, poking his bowl of ramen with his chopsticks. "Get in mouth!"

"And this is my son, Eizo-Mori," adds Fugaku. "It's his second birthday so we are getting him his first bowl of ramen from Ichiraku's. Aren't we, Eizo?" He pats the boy's head.

"Pretty lady!" says Eizo-Mori, pointing at Konan.

"Aw, thank you," says Konan, patting the little boy's head. "You're such a sweet young man."

Eizo-Mori beams at Konan and goes back to attacking his bowl of ramen.

"How's your daughter?" asks Konan.

An expression of profound sadness washes over Fugaku's face. "She's still alive. Her only hope is Tsunade. If Naruto and Jiraiya don't get back in time, she'll either die, or be a cripple for life."

"Pretty big sister all broken," says Eizo-Mori sadly.

Ichiraku serves Nagato, Yahiko and Konan's bowls of ramen. They all eat in silence until Fugaku yells, "Oi! Don't stick the bowl on your head!"

Konan turns to see Eizo-Mori with his freshly emptied bowl placed upside down on his head.

"Pirate hat!" says Eizo-Mori, grinning.

Konan laughs. Her triplets used to do that, but at least Eizo-Mori emptied his bowl first.

* * *

Naruto has been practicing all day, but he cannot seem to get the hang of the exercise. Pervy Sage assured him that it would take time to learn it, so he should just keep at it. But Naruto feels like he is getting nowhere. They spend the night at an inn in town, and when they wake up the next morning, Naruto's foot is firmly wedged into Pervy Sage's face. Pervy Sage is not impressed and leaves to go and get some breakfast.

Naruto remembers what Grandma told him about looking tidy to impress Tsunade and heads to the bathroom to wash his face, brush his teeth and run his fingers through his hair. Once Naruto is satisfied that he looks presentable, he heads off to find his jumpsuit. While Naruto is rifling around in the mess he made of the room, the inn cat jumps in the window and starts playing with one of the water balloons, batting it left and right in a crazy fashion.

Then the balloon bursts, splattering water all over the cat. The cats hisses and runs away. Naruto's mind starts working in overdrive.

Then he grins in realization.

* * *

"PERVY SAGE! PERVY SAGE!" Naruto yells, running at Jiraiya with a water balloon in his hands. He skids to a stop beside Jiraiya, ignoring the curious looks the other people in the inn cafeteria are shooting in his direction. "Watch this!"

Jiraiya looks.

Naruto hold the balloon in his right hand and uses his left to pulse chakra into it first from the right, then left, then right, over and over until the water inside the balloon is spinning so fast that it bursts all at once, sending water flying in all directions.

Jiraiya is astonished. Naruto mastered the first exercise in a day! "Naruto, how did you manage to learn it so quickly?" he asks.

"I saw a cat playing with one of the water balloons," explains Naruto, grinning. "The cat was bashing it left and right so I thought if I could make the water spin left and right with my chakra I could burst the balloon. But then I couldn't do it with one hand , so I used two!"

Jiraiya grins. "That's a clever idea," he praises Naruto. He does not want Naruto to think Jiraiya hates him. It was quite a shock the day before when Naruto accused Jiraiya of not believing in him. Jiraiya does not ever want Naruto to think that again, so he is resolved to never make fun of Naruto's abilities again - or at least until they know each other well enough that Naruto will know Jiraiya doesn't really mean it. "Looks like we'll be able to move onto the next stage of training."

"YES!" Naruto does a victory dance around the cafeteria and Jiraiya remembers Kushina.

Dammit, Jiraiya was expecting a mini Minato when he started training Naruto. What he really has on his hands is Kushina's personality and unique perspective on life combined with Minato's genius and drive. The talent level is somewhere in the middle ground between Minato's prodigy status and Kushina's single-minded focus on sealing and brawling.

In short: Naruto is a moron with a ton of untapped talent, which can only be coaxed out of him by thinking so far outside the box that the box ends up as an origami boat made of orange ramen and everything outside it is just collateral damage.

Naruto is like a more rambunctious and stupid version of Nagato.


	107. Bow to the Queen

Konan, Yahiko and Nagato are back at Ichiraku Ramen. The ramen is the absolute best they have ever tasted and they want more. While they are there and Nagato is scarfing down his fifth or sixth bowl, a bespectacled girl with red hair and red eyes drags in a woman with short red hair and brown eyes.

"I'm fine, Karin!" the woman insists.

"You still need to have lunch," says the girl.

"Oh, hello!" Konan greets the pair.

"Who..?" the woman looks at Konan in surprise. Then she smiles. "Oh, you're that chick who took off with Wind, Rain and Turtle."

Konan laughs. "My name is Konan."

"I am Okami Uzumaki. But you may call me Kami."

Nagato drops his head to the counter in sorrow. He now knows why he felt an impenetrable wall between him and and the so-called god-complex Yahiko accused him of having one time.

"Um, Nagato?" asks Yahiko, staring at Nagato in surprise. "What's the matter?"

"It's your fault." mumbles Nagato. Because it is, really. "If you hadn't accused me of having a god complex that time I would never have noticed that I literally _cannot_ develop one."

"What, why not?" asks Yahiko, desperately.

"Because she stole it!" whines Nagato, pointing at Okami. "Only one Uzumaki at a time can have a god-complex and she stole it!"

"Do not accuse me of theft!" snaps Okami, slapping Nagato over the back of the head. "I am your QUEEN!"

Nagato sits up and turns to stare at Okami. "For real? No joke?"

Okami pulls up her sleeves, showing the latticework of bite marks that proves her lineage.

Nagato stands and bows. One always bows to the Queen.

* * *

"This is the next step," says Pervy Sage, holding out a rubber ball. "Power. This ball is a lot harder to pop than a balloon, and it has air inside it instead of water. Instead of water, you are moving air. Instead of a thin layer of rubber, you must break a thick layer of rubber." The rubber ball in Pervy Sage's hand bursts.

Naruto tries to break his, but nothing happens.

"You're going to need more power than that," says Pervy Sage. Then he turns and walks off, waving his hand in farewell. "I'm going to follow a lead I stumbled on yesterday. Keep practicing."

So Naruto practices. And practices. But all he manages to do is make the ball rock a bit.

They travel around, following Pervy Sage's leads, and Naruto practices on the way. He barely sleeps because he must practice. He tries to burst the ball as he and Pervy Sage walk from one town to the next. Three days pass, and still Naruto cannot burst the ball.

* * *

"There has to be some trick to it," says Naruto, staring at the ball in his hands. The moon is high in the sky like it was when he and Sasuke finally mastered the tree climbing. It is the fourth day since they left the Hidden Leaf, and Naruto is starting to worry. The training takes his mind off his worry, though. So he trains.

If Sasuke can learn a jutsu like Chidori, then Naruto can learn Rasengan.

Right?

His hands are shaking.

Naruto tries again, but it hurts so much and it's hard to focus when he's shaking so much. Naruto feels dizzy. He's so low on chakra, and his hands hurt so much...

* * *

Naruto wakes up in the inn they are staying at. Pervy Sage is snoring loudly, his mouth wide open and his quilt half on the floor. Naruto rolls off his fuuton and staggers to the window. The sun is just rising. It is now their fifth day away from Konoha. Only nine days left to find Tsunade.

* * *

"I need more power," growls Naruto. "Maybe if I can build up more chakra...Maybe if I put everything I have into it...But it hurts so much...I'll just have to work through the pain."

Naruto builds up all the chakra he can muster and channels it into the rubber ball. The ball wobbles, then it gets bumpy as the air inside it spins with increasing violence. The ball pops, letting out all the air inside it with a _hiss_ as it deflates.

"Wow!" says Pervy Sage. Naruto didn't even realize he was there. "It looks like you've made some progress!"

Naruto turns and frowns at Pervy Sage. "But I only made a little hole in it, I didn't make it explode like you did."

"Progress is still progress," says Pervy Sage. "Now how about you take a break, huh? Here," he holds out a blue ice block.

Naruto grins and takes it, feeling immensely happy. This is the first time his godfather has given him something in person.

* * *

Kimiko is so tired. She has been walking all day every day since her mother died. Well, she stuck around for the memorial, but once all her mother's friends started discussing what to do with Kimiko, she announced that she was going to find her father - that's what her mother told her to do in the unlikely event of her death. She even has a letter to give her father. Kimiko's mother thought ahead. Kimiko wonders if her mother knew she might die.

 _So tired…_

Kimiko stumbles and stops to sit under a tree. The sun is so hot! She takes off her backpack and her jacket and wonders what her Daddy will be like. Her Mummy never talked about him much. But this is the only thing Kimiko can do - her mother's friends are not nice people. They are always mean to Kimiko when her mother isn't looking, and she is too scared of them to say anything. She wonders if her daddy's friends will be nice to her. Kimiko pulls her water bottle out of her backpack and takes a long drink. She is nearly out. Hopefully she will reach a town soon. The last person she asked for directions didn't say how far it was to the next town.

Kimiko puts on her backpack and goes back to trudging along in the general direction of the Village Hidden in the Leaves. She stays in the shade of the trees and carries her jacket over one shoulder, though. She does not want to overheat. She needs her water to last until the next town. The rivers might not be safe.

Then joy fills Kimiko as she she rounds a corner and sees a huge gate ahead of her. She speeds up, wondering what kind of village it is. Then she stops. This is the gateway to the Hidden Leaf. She made it!

Suddenly Kimiko is scared. What if her daddy doesn't want her? What if he doesn't remember her mum and doesn't believe the letter? What if he's a bad man? Kimiko nearly turns around and runs away.

No. Kimiko has come too far to turn back now. Besides, if her Daddy doesn't want her, there is an orphanage in Konoha. Kimiko frowns in determination and marches forward, through the gates of the Hidden Leaf.

"Hey kid!" one of the men sitting at the desk by the gate waves to her. "What are you doing wandering about on your own?"

Kimiko stares at him in fright. "Um...um…"

"You're scaring her, Kotetsu," says the other man. "I'm Izumo," he says, gently. "This is my friend Kotetsu. We're here to make sure all visitors to the Hidden Leaf have a pleasant stay." He smiles so widely that Kimiko can't help smiling back. "That's better," Izumo says. "Now, what brings you here?"

"I'm looking for my Daddy," whispers Kimiko, shyly.

"What's that?" asks Izumo, leaning forward. "I didn't hear you."

"She said she's looking for her dad," says Kotetsu. "Who's your dad?"

Kimiko fidgets nervously. "Jiraiya of the Sannin," she whispers.

"No way!" Kotetsu falls off his chair in surprise.

"What? What did she say?" asks Izumo.

"She said Lord Jiraiya is her father!" Kotetsu says, picking himself up off the ground.

Kimiko is scared and tired and lonely and only eight years old. All this comes crashing down on her all at once and she bursts into tears.

"Woah! Don't cry!" says Izumo, dashing out from behind the desk and kneeling down beside Kimiko. He pats her on the head awkwardly and adds, "Jiraiya's not in the village right now, but I'll take you to the Hokage. He'll know what to do with you until Jiraiya gets back."

Kimiko rubs her eyes, trying to stop the tears.

"Come on," says Izumo, standing up and beckoning for her to follow him.

Kimiko follows, dragging her feet in weariness. She is too shy to ask Izumo to slow down, so she does her best to keep up. Then Izumo notices Kimiko is having trouble keeping up and slows down considerably. All the same, Kimiko is about ready to collapse by the time they reach their destination: the Hokage's office.

Izumo knocks and a voice calls out for him to enter. Izumo pushes Kimiko into the office ahead of him, so she has no choice but to go in. Kimiko stares at the huge desk with the tower of paperwork on it. Behind the desk is an old man in a funny hat.

The old man smiles at Kimiko then asks Izumo, "Who's this?"

"Lord Hokage, this little girl says she is Jiraiya's child."


	108. Perseverance Rewarded

Once Naruto has finished his ice block, Pervy sage says, "I reckon it's time to give you another hint in the right direction."

"Cool!" grins Naruto.

"Hold out your hand," says Pervy Sage, pulling out a pen and sticking the rest of his ice block in his mouth.

Naruto holds out his hand. Pervy Sage draws a spiral pattern on his palm. "What's this for?" asks Naruto, staring at the mark.

"I'm guessing you were the kind of kid who had trouble concentrating in the Academy?" asks Pervy Sage.

"Yeah, but what's that got to do with this mark?"

"The mark is to help you focus," explains Pervy Sage. He holds up a white piece of paper. "Look at this paper."

Naruto looks at the paper. "I've looked at the paper. Now what?"

Pervy Sage draws the same spiral shape on the paper. "Now look at the paper. Notice anything different?"

Naruto's eyes are drawn to the spiral. "That's the same symbol you drew on my hand," he says. "But what's the point?"

"Well, the first time you looked at the paper, you didn't really focus on it, did you?" asks Pervy Sage. "But I'm guessing the second time, your eyes were drawn to the mark in the centre."

Naruto's mouth opens in surprise. That is exactly what happened!

"If you look at a blank sheet of paper, your eyes roam all over it, not really focusing on anything," explains Pervy Sage. "But if you put even one small dot on it the eye is instantly drawn in, focusing on the dot. Along with focus come mental stability, and then you can tap into great power."

Naruto stares at the swirl in the middle of the paper.

"I'm guessing when you popped the ball, you were just trying to gather as much chakra as you could, not really focusing on where it all went so long as it as in the palm of your hand," continues Pervy Sage. "When you concentrate, you draw out power, but without a target, concentration is difficult."

Naruto chews his ice block stick thoughtfully.

"In order to draw out the power you need, you need something to focus on. That's what the mark is for. When you try to pop the ball, concentrate all your chakra on that mark."

"Concentrate…" mutters Naruto. Concentrating is what Grandma likes him to do when he is studying, or doing his violin lessons. "I can do that!"

* * *

Hiruzen was not expecting that.

Nope. Not at all. This cute, black-haired girl: Jiraiya's child? He thought Jiraiya was ALWAYS careful.

Apparently not.

And here Hiruzen thought he had seen it all. Orochimaru with breasts, the First and Second Hokages reanimated, the Queen of the Whirlpool in action, Naruto flying - not to mention Uchihas growing facial hair at an alarming rate.

But Jiraiya with a kid? Never thought he'd see that.

Hiruzen realizes he is staring. "Well then, leave the child with me and go back to your post, Izumo," Hiruzen says.

Izumo bowns and leaves.

The little girl stands by the door, shaking like a leaf. The poor thing looks exhausted.

"Come here, child," says Hiruzen, beckoning the girl over to him.

She staggers up to his desk, which is almost as tall as she is.

"No, no, come around to my side of the desk where I can see you," says Hiruzen, smiling.

The little girl does so, and stares up at Hiruzen.

"I am Hiruzen Sarutobi, the Third Hokage," Hiruzen introduces himself. "What is your name?"

"Ki-Kimiko," whispers the girl, looking down at the floor.

Hiruzen notices that her clothing has the Mount Myoboku Clothing Label on it. "Well, Kimiko, why have you come all the way to the Hidden Leaf?"

"To find my Dad," whispers Kimiko.

"Did you come by yourself?"

Kimiko nods.

"Where is your Mother?"

"D-d-dead," stammers Kimiko, her eyes welling up with tears.

Hiruzen picks the little girl up and hugs her. "There, there, it's alright. You'll feel better once you've had a good cry." Hiruzen sits back in his chair with Kimiko crying on his shoulder. What to do with her? With her round face and spiky hair, she looks a lot like Jiraiya did when he was small. There is no mischievous glint in her eyes, though. Hiruzen could keep Kimiko at his house until Jiraiya gets back, but then what? He can't take care of her forever, and Jiraiya won't want a little girl along for his exploits.

Someone knocks on Hiruzen's office door. "Come in," calls Hiruzen. Lord Second did tell him off for being so lax in letting all and sundry into his office whenever, but he wants the people to feel like he is always there for them.

Arashi comes in, his usually tidy hair in a mess - which makes him look like Minato. "Lord Hokage," says Arashi, bowing.

"There's no need for formalities, Arashi," smiles Hiruzen. "Now, what is it you want?"

Kimiko has gone quiet, and is peeking at Arashi from behind the fold of Hiruzen's clock that she is hanging on to.

"Well, um," Arashi is staring at Kimiko. "I'd like permission to access all the files the Hidden Leaf has on the Hidden Whirlpool. Something in what I have been able to research doesn't add up."

"Very well, I will sort that out for you by tomorrow," says Hiruzen. He was expecting Arashi to ask sooner or later.

"Who's the kid?" asks Arashi, curiosity getting the better of him.

"Ah, this is Kimiko," says Hiruzen. "Her mother is dead and she is here to find her father. The only problem is that Jiraiya is her father, and I don't know what to do with Kimiko until he gets back."

Arashi smiles. "She could stay with us," he offers. "We don't have a Naruto getting under our feet, and Jiraiya knows us."

"That is a good idea," says Hiruzen, smiling in relief. He is glad that he can hand Kimiko over to someone he trusts until Jiraiya turns up. Now all he has to figure out is who to hand his hat and paperwork to. "Kimiko," he says to the little girl. "This nice man has offered to let you stay at his house until your Dad gets back. His grandson is your Dad's apprentice now."

Kimiko looks up at Hiruzen, then at Arashi.

Arashi smiles. "Come on, then," he says.

Kimiko slides off Hiruzen's lap and walks stiffly over to Arashi. Arashi takes her hand and leads her out of Hiruzen's office saying, "I think someone might need a big lunch and an afternoon sleep."

Kimiko does not even try to to protest about the nap.

* * *

Naruto practices and practices, but he does not get anywhere. Jiraiya's advice helps a little bit, but not much. Broken rubber balls litter the ground around him as he trains. No matter how hard he tries, Naruto just cannot focus hard enough.

 _Focus. Sasuke…_

 _Focus! Can I really learn my Dad's jutsu? Would he even want me to?_

 _FOCUS!_ Naruto mentally flinches as his Grandma's voice cuts through his wandering thoughts. He can see her strictest glare, and tapping foot in his mind's eye. _Forget about everything else! None of it is important right now. Focus only on what you are doing._

Of course, Grandma was talking about his violin lesson at the time, but it applies here as well.

 _Focus…_ Naruto picks up another ball and holds it between his hands like he has every other ball. Then he changes his mind and starts injecting it with chakra from all sides in quick succession like he did the water balloons. The rubber ball gets bumpy, then the pressure inside it builds up…

 _Can I really do this?_

The momentum Naruto had vanishes and the ball lets out all the chakra inside it through a little hole in the side.

"AARRGH!" yells Naruto in frustration. He nearly had it too! Damned stray thoughts! He grabs another ball, and with all his anger and frustration directed at the mark on his hand, starts over.

 _Never fight or train while you are angry,_ Iruka-nii's voice pops into Naruto's head.

Naruto stops and sits down. What is he supposed to do? Naruto throws the ball away. It bounces off a nearby tree and hits him right in the forehead protector, knocking it off. Naruto stands and walks over to the forehead protector, scooping it up off the ground. Naruto stares at it, remembering how, after he graduated, he sneaked into Iruka-nii's room and swapped their forehead protectors. Iruka-nii never seemed to notice or, if he did, he never said anything.

Naruto knows it is wrong to steal things that belong to his precious people, but he really wanted something he could carry with him all the time. He does not want to damage the scarf his mother made, and none of the other things he has in his stash are the sort of things you can carry around. Except his father's kunai, which he stopped carrying after he found out what his father did to him.

Naruto stares at the Leaf on the forehead protector. He can stare at that Leaf for hours and not get bored…

Grinning, Naruto ties Iruka-nii's forehead protector back onto his forehead and pulls out a pen. He turns the spiral on his palm into the Symbol of the Hidden Leaf and picks up the rubber ball. Naruto starts the exercise over, focusing on the leaf. The pressure builds up inside the ball until it bursts, sending Naruto flying backwards. Pervy sage stops Naruto before he hits anything.

"I finally did it," says Naruto, smiling, and promptly passes out.


	109. Troublesome Towns

"Lady Tsunade, this winning streak is amazing!" says Shizune, probably pleased that they actually have money in their pockets.

"I know, and that's what worries me," says Tsunade. Tsunade never wins unless something bad is about to happen. So long as she is losing, all is as it should be. But on the off-chance she will win something without the negative repercussions, Tsunade keeps gambling.

"Lady Tsunade, is it?" says a deep voice from behind her.

Tsunade turns. There is a tall man wearing a full-face mask and a form-concealing cloak standing in the road. "Who are you?" demands Tsunade, ready to fight if necessary.

"Who I am is only your business if you agree to my proposition," says the man evenly.

"What proposition?" asks Tsunade, suspiciously.

"I can bring Dan and Nawaki back from the dead if you agree to help me create a perfect world free of wars, death, pain and sorrow," says the man. "You are one of the two remaining Legendary Sannin, and I need powerful allies."

"Two…?"

"Orochimaru is dead," says the man. "You and Jiraiya are the only two left."

"So why aren't you approaching Jiraiya then?" asks Tsunade.

"Simple," says the man. "I need a good medic."

"No way," says Tsunade. She is not buying this. "The dead cannot be brought back, and there is no way a world like the one you described is possible."

"If you need more incentive," says the man. "I can pay off all your gambling debts."

Tsunade is tempted.

"I will give you a week to decide," says the man. "Meet me outside the North side of town at noon in seven days. If you do not come, I will assume you have refused my offer. If you refuse my offer, I will kill you and Shizune." The man shunshins away.

* * *

"What are we going to do with her if Jiraiya refuses to look after her?" Kazama whispers. "That poor child is scared out of her wits and she just lost her mother. There is no way I am going to let her anywhere near Jiraiya if he scares her even a tiny bit!"

"Calm down, Kazama!" whispers Arashi. "I'm sure nothing bad will happen. We could always offer to let her live with us while Jiraiya's doing his spy work."

"But we're getting too old to look after another child!" protests Kazama. "Especially one as young as that!"

"I'm here you know," says Iruka from the other end of the dining table. Kimiko is sleeping in Naruto's bed. The poor child is totally worn out from her long trip to the Hidden Leaf. Iruka is sure she has no ninja training at all. "I can help you look after her."

Kazama and Arashi turn to look at Iruka.

"I suppose so…" says Arashi thoughtfully. "But where will she sleep if she stays?"

"Good question," says Iruka. "I could always leave home, you know…"

"Don't be silly," says Kazama. "Naruto would never allow it."

"Well, there is plenty of land around the house," says Arashi. "We could build onto it."

"That's true," says Kazama, nodding. "Or we could move…"

"Don't be silly," says Arashi. "Naruto would never stand for it."

"I could hire a studio in town and put her in the music room," suggests Kazama. "But I suppose that's not a very good idea, since the music room is meant to be a sitting room."

"We could build on and build a proper music room," says Arashi, sticking with his theme of building on. "And we could build a room for Jiraiya to use as well…"

"I'm not so sure I like the idea of building on," says Kazama. "I think we had better wait and see what Naruto thinks."

Iruka laughs. "I think we can all agree on one thing: Naruto runs our lives."

* * *

"I've located Tsunade," Pervy Sage tells Naruto. "We have to get moving."

"But you still haven't shown me the third stage of training!" whines Naruto.

"Fine, I'll show you," says Pervy Sage. "But you'll have to practice on the road. We really don't have any time to waste. Tsunade might leave that town, and then we'll be back to square one."

"Whatever," says Naruto, who is secretly very, very scared that Sasuke is dying right that second.

Pervy Sage pulls out a balloon and blows it up, making a round ball. "This is the third step," says Pervy Sage, holding out the balloon in his hand.

Nothing happens.

Naruto waits.

Still nothing happens.

"Nothing's happening," says Naruto, disappointed.

"Something is happening," grins Pervy Sage. "Inside the balloon. Watch on this hand what is happening inside the balloon." Pervy Sage holds out his other hand, and forms a glowing blue rasengan on it.

Naruto stares at the jutsu, noticing that it is a condensed ball of chakra spinning this way and that. Naruto wonders why it isn't popping the balloon, but is too busy staring into the fascinating depths of the glowing ball to say anything.

"Naruto? Earth to Naruto!"

"Huh?" Naruto looks up at Pervy Sage.

"Don't you wanna know how I did it?" Pervy Sage asks.

"Yeah!" Naruto grins up at Pervy Sage. "This is so cool! Show me, show me!"

"Well," says Pervy Sage. "The key is to build up the chakra the same way you did to pop the rubber ball, with the same amount of power. But you have to keep it inside the balloon. Imagine a thin layer between the balloon and the chakra and keep all the power contained inside that layer."

Naruto cocks his head to one side and screws up his eyes. "Why?"

"Observe," says Pervy Sage, tossing Naruto the balloon. "This is what the result of the first two stages looks like without the ball." he forms a swirling ball in his hand and slamming it into a tree. The ball of chakra leaves a spiral in the tree's bark. "And this is what the complete Rasengan looks like," says Pervy Sage, forming another perfect sphere of chakra in his hand and slamming into the tree. The rasengan burns a huge hole in the side of the tree.

Naruto gapes in awe. This is such a cool jutsu!

"In order to harness the amount of force the Rasengan needs," explains Pervy Sage. "All that power needs to be contained into one concentrated attack. If you can form it without breaking the balloon, then your Rasengan is complete."

Naruto looks at the balloon in his hand, then at the Rasengan in Pervy Sage's hand. Being very careful to concentrate, Naruto starts building up chakra like he did for the last two steps. But when he tries to contain it, the chakra escapes his control, bursting the balloon with a loud bang.

Naruto stares at his hands, which are shaking from the effort. _This step is on a whole other level!_

* * *

Nagato is bored so he decides to go for a walk through the Hidden Leaf. After wandering around for a while, he finds himself totally lost. Well, he could probably find his way pretty quickly if he jumped onto the roofs, but the houses in this area are so far apart that it would look odd for him to run across the rooves. At a guess, Nagato would say he is in a residential area, and probably a rich one at that.

Ah well, Nagato doesn't have anything to do until Jiraiya sensei gets back, so he wanders around aimlessly.

Nagato has been wandering around for the better part of an hour when he sees a house with the Uzumaki clan symbol painted above the door. The symbol looks like it was slapped on by an excited seven-year-old and left there.

Curious, Nagato stops and looks at the house. It is two stories high, red and white, and has a rather large section around it. A well-groomed path leads to the front door. Sitting on the front steps with a toad plushie in her arms is a little girl with black hair and golden eyes. She is wearing a purple jacket and matching purple pleated skirt with black sandals.

"Hello!" Nagato calls to the girl, raising his hand in greeting.

The little girl freezes.

Nagato stares at the kid, confused. He isn't that scary, is he?

Then a young man with a scar across his nose wanders around from the back of the house, a pile of what looks like kids' school books in his arms. He sees Nagato and grins. "Nice hair."

"Thanks," says Nagato. "I grew it myself."

The little girl giggles.

"I'm Iruka Umino," says the young man. "And you are?"

"I'm Nagato Uzumaki," Nagato introduces himself, grinning, because this is a real, live Umino. "I'm the new leader of the Hidden Rain. I'm just killing time until Jiraiya sensei gets back from wherever he's gone off to. Lord Hokage didn't say, but we haven't seen Jiraiya sensei in ages so we're sticking around."

"We?" asks the Iruka.

"Oh, me, Konan and Yahiko," says Nagato. "I let them have some space to do what married couples do."

"Nice."

"Who's the kid?" asks Nagato, curiously. "She seems familiar, somehow…"

"She's Jiraiya's illegitimate love-child," says Iruka. "She's staying with us until he gets back."

"Jiraiya sensei...has...a...kid…" Nagato cannot quite believe his ears. She's so young!


	110. Do Not Interrupt

Kakashi perches in the tree closest to Sasuke's window. He can see Sasuke from there. He can't see the side of her that is crushed, and he is glad of that. Kakashi does not like seeing yet another Uchiha teammate crushed and dying.

If Kakashi still had a full emotional range, he would be crying. But he doesn't so he is sitting in a tree feeling awful.

"Yo!" says a voice from beside Kakashi.

Kakashi nearly jumps 20 meters into the air. Nearly. Instead he settles for pulling a kunai on the person who sneaked up on him.

"Woah, calm down!" says Wind, holding up her hands to show she means no harm and eyeing the kunai in Kakashi's hand. "I thought you would have sensed me coming."

Kakashi lowers the kunai. He did not sense Wind coming. "You are literally right next to me and I cannot sense you. Are you sure you're real?"

Wind giggles. "Fairly sure! Why are you staking out the hospital?"

"Just checking on Sasuke," says Kakashi.

"What a coincidence," says Wind. "Me too. Can't have Okami dying before Jiraiya gets back. So do you wanna come with me to her room?"

"No," says Kakashi. "I don't want to see...not again…" he shudders, remembering Obito. "I think I'll stay here, where I can't see…" he trails off and looks away.

To his surprise, Wind puts her hand on his shoulder. "I understand. But we'll do our best to save Sasuke." Wind leaps from the tree to Sasuke's room, leaving Kakashi alone.

 _Does Wind really understand?_ Kakashi wonders.

* * *

Nagato stares at the kid who is apparently Jiraiya sensei's kid. His mouth falls open in shock. "She's…" he points at the girl and falls over backwards.

"Yes, she is," says Iruka. "Kimiko has a letter to prove it and everything. Lord Third says she looks like Jiraiya did at that age."

Nagato picks himself up and leans on the fence surrounding the property. "So where is Jiraiya sensei, anyway? Lord Third never said."

"He's looking for Tsunade." Iruka is unsuccessfully trying to open the front door without dropping his armload of books.

Nagato is a little confused. "Why are you using the front door when you were just around the back?"

"The back door leads through the music room," says Iruka, finally managing to get the door open. "And there is a lesson in there. You never interrupt the music lessons. Even if the village is under attack and the house is burning down."

Nagato looks at the Uzumaki symbol on the door. It is very well placed, that symbol.

"Why don't you come in?" asks Iruka.

"Are you sure it's safe?" asks Nagato, grinning so Iruka knows he is joking.

"Oh, it's never safe in there," says Iruka. "Come on, Kimiko."

Kimiko gets up and goes inside while Iruka stands in the doorway keeping the door open.

"Are you coming in or not?" asks Iruka.

Nagato knows better than to disobey that look. He opens the gate, trots up to the door and takes half of Iruka's stack of books. "Those look heavy," he says.

"Thanks," says Iruka, and herds Nagato and Kimiko into the house's dining room, half of which is laid out as a living room. He dumps his stack of books on the table, and Nagato follows his example.

Nagato turns to Kimiko. "Hello," he says again.

"Hi," says Kimiko shyly.

Nagato fishes in his pocket for his stash of snacks. Konan and Yahiko's kids are always easier to handle if he gives them a biscuit or two. Nagato finds a packet of gummy snakes and holds out the bag to Kimiko. "Do you like snakes?" he asks.

Kimiko's face erupts in the most adorable smile. She nods and takes a gummy snake. She seems more interested in holding it than eating it though.

Nagato hears the violin music coming from somewhere in the house finish. A few minutes later (during which time Kimiko stares at her snake like it's worth a fortune), a woman appears, dragging a small boy behind her.

"BUT MUUUUUUUUUUUM!" moans the boy. "I don't wanna stop having lessons!"

"Then quit whining!" snaps the woman, angrily.

Following along behind is a middle aged lady with a messy bun in her hair. She sees Nagato. "Sorry about these two," she says. "They have the same argument every week, but nothing ever comes of it."

Nagato shrugs.

The arguing mother and son leave, and the woman comes back to the kitchen after escorting them out. "I'm Kazama," she introduces herself, proffering a hand for Nagato to shake.

"Nagato Uzumaki, Leader of the Hidden Rain," says Nagato, shaking the proffered hand.

"Nice," says Kazama, totally nonplussed. "So what brings you here?"

"Oh, I came with two of my friends," says Nagato. "When we were kids, Lord Jiraiya looked after us for a while after our parents were killed. We haven't seen him in years, but we heard he's been hanging around so we came to the Leaf, but since he's not here, we're sticking around until he gets back."

"So who's looking after affairs in the Hidden Rain if you're here?" asks Kazama.

"Oh, um, two of my other friends!" says Nagato. "I have lots of people to take care of things for me. Besides, if they need me I have ways of getting back quickly."

"Good," says Kazama, nodding firmly, once. "Would you like to stay for lunch? My husband is neck deep in his research, and I keep forgetting Naruto isn't here, so there is plenty of surplus food hanging around."

"Sure!" grins Nagato. Food is always good. "Thanks."

* * *

"Now Naruto," says Jiraiya. "We won't find Tsunade right away, so let's stop here and get some dinner before we start looking. It's always best to search on a full stomach." He leads Naruto, who is thoroughly worn out from training on the road, into the restaurant he thinks will be a good spot to stop for dinner.

Sitting in a booth at the back of the restaurant is Tsunade.

Jiraiya makes a beeline for Tsunade before she has time to see him. "Hey boobs - I mean Tsunade," says Jiraiya, looking at one and addressing the other.

"JIRAIYA!?" Tsunade spits out her sake and glares at Jiraiya. "What do you want?"

Naruto forgets everything Kazama and Iruka told him about making a good impression and rushes right up to Tsunade. Jiraiya tries to grab him and pull him back but fails. "You're Lady Tsunade?" Naruto asks. "The best medic ever?"

"Yeah, so what?" says Tsunade, picking up one of the sake bottles sitting on the table.

The young man sitting next to Tsunade clutches the pig he is holding and adopts an expression of fear.

"My friend is dying," says Naruto. "Can you help? Please?"

"Nope," says Tsunade.

Jiraiya is glad Naruto at least remembered to say please, but he is still asking pretty rudely. Well, demanding would be a better way to put it. "Kid, let me do the talking," says Jiraiya and pushes Naruto into the booth, and sits down beside him, trapping the boy by the wall. "Long time no see, Tsunade. Who's this guy, again?"

"Shizune. How did you find me?" asks Tsunade.

"I followed the train of rich gamblers," jokes Jiraiya. Then he gets serious. "We have need of your skill," he says. "Please, come back to the Leaf and have a look at Naruto's friend. If you cannot help her, so be it. But at least try."

"No can do," says Tsunade. "I'm not in the business of healing anymore."

"WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM!?" Naruto yells, slamming his hands down on the table. "I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT OKAMI-SAN VOWED SHE'D NEVER HEAL ANYONE AGAIN, BUT SHE IS PUTTING HER OWN LIFE AT RISK TO KEEP SASUKE ALIVE OUT OF HOPE THAT YOU WILL COME AND HELP HER! CAN'T YOU AT LEAST TRY TO ACT LIKE A MEDIC?"

"What do you know brat?" yells Tsunade, slamming her fist down on the table.

"I could kick your ass!" yells Naruto.

"Try it, brat!" yells Tsunade. "Let's take this outside!"

Jiraiya knows there is no stopping the two blonde part-Uzumakis. He follows them outside and stands beside Shizune while Tsunade and Naruto face off against each other.

Tsunade holds up one finger.

"Huh?" says Naruto. "What's that mean?"

"This one finger is all I'll need to beat you," says Tsunade, who is tipsy and not at the top of her game.

"I don't believe it, 'tebayo!" says Naruto, making the tiger seal. "Fuuin: Temporal Distortion!" A black line shoots across the ground, racing from Naruto's feet towards Tsunade.

Tsunade slams her finger into the ground, breaking it apart and disrupting the seal.

"Earthquake no jutsu!" says Naruto, drawing a seal on the ground in front of him and activating it. The ground beneath Tsunade shakes with incredible force, but Tsunade has already leapt into the air. Naruto pulls out a kunai to defend himself, but Tsunade hooks her finger into the loop on the kunai's handle and wrenches the kunai out of Naruto's hand. As the kunai travels upwards, it knocks Naruto's forehead protector off. Tsunade flicks Naruto in the centre of his bare forehead, sending him tumbling backwards.

Tsunade smirks triumphantly at Naruto. "One finger kid."

Naruto glares at Tsunade and starts forming the Rasengan.


	111. Decisions, Decisions

"Well, Fugaku," says Hiruzen, resting his head on his hands. "I am at a loss as to what to do about the chunin promotions."

"And why are you asking me?" asks Fugaku from his seat on the other side of the table. He moves one of his shogi pieces with a _click_.

"You saw the finals and the preliminaries," says Hiruzen, studying the shogi board. "You have a good idea of what each contestant is capable of."

Fugaku raises his eyebrows above the top of his sunglasses. "Is that so?" he says stroking his mustache. "Why are you taking so long about the promotions? Usually you are all over that like Naruto with ramen."

Hiruzen smiles at the simile and moves one of his shogi pieces. "I am afraid I cannot decide who should be promoted," he admits. "Only one truly stands out to me, but the rest are posing a great difficulty. This was such an unorthodox exam."

"Just one?" says Fugaku, curiously. "I saw two that are ready for promotion and two that really ought to have been promoted by now."

"Four of them?" says Lord Third in surprise. "Only Shikamaru stood out to me."

"Shikamaru?" says Fugaku. "I would have thought for sure you would see that Kabuto is jounin level already."

"And yet he was taken down very quickly in the final match," remarks Hiruzen, as Fugaku moves a knight.

"That is because his opponents recognized they would not be able to take him on alone and teamed up," says Fugaku. "It was a wise move on Naruto's part. That, and the way Naruto pulled out only the techniques he needed, are a clear sign that he is ready for chunin promotion."

"He is still too reckless, though," says Hiruzen, not sure if promoting Naruto is a good idea. Kabuto being jounin level he agrees with, but Naruto? "Would you put him in charge of a team?"

"Yes, I would," says Fugaku. "But the real question you need to ask yourself is: do you want another chunin exams to be subjected to Naruto's tender mercies when you can justify promoting him now?"

"I didn't think of it that way," admits Hiruzen, seeing Fugkau's point. "He certainly has the level of power…"

"Then promote him and rest easy knowing he'll stay with Kakashi for a while yet," says Fugaku.

"So, who is the third person you thought of that I did not?" asks Hiruzen.

"Shino of course," says Fugaku.

"Oh?" It is Hiruzen's turn to raise his eyebrows. "What makes you say that? You did see his second match, did you not?"

"Yes," says Fugaku. "But did you?"

"What do you mean?" asks Hiruzen, narrowing his eyes.

"Shino put his personal feelings aside and won his first match," says Fugaku. "But when Temari referred to Sasuke as Shino's girlfriend, all his self control crumbled, so he allowed Temari to win the match rather than incur her wrath by quitting."

"Interesting," says Hiruzen, leaning forward. "So he had the presence of mind to lose rather than quit while facing an opponent who would have beat the stuffing out of him if he had tried to quit? But why would those words upset him?"

"Sasuke does not realize it," says Fugaku gravely. "But I noticed as soon as Shino started developing feelings for Sasuke. The poor boy is hopelessly in love, but Sasuke is too busy being jealous of Itachi for catching Shisui's attention."

"So then Sasuke has a sister complex?" asks Hiruzen, not surprised.

"No, she has a thing for Shisui!" corrects Fugaku. "Maybe now that there is no chance at all she will get him, she'll notice Shino. He's a good kid."

Hiruzen does not comment about the possibility Sasuke might still die.

* * *

Naruto does not understand. How can this drunk lady be so strong with just her finger? Thoroughly miffed (that's Grandma's way of saying pissed off), Naruto forms his incomplete Rasengan and charges at Tsunade. No one hurts Iruka-nii's forehead protector!

Tsunade simply pushes Naruto's hand down with her finger, causing the incomplete Rasengan to hit the ground. Naruto's face follows it. "Jiraiya, why did you teach him that?" Tsunade demands, turning to Pervy Sage. "There's no way he'll ever master it!"

Naruto is excessively miffed (that's grandma's way of saying f###ing pissed). He jumps up and glares at Tsunade. "I AM going to master that jutsu!" he yells. "And then I'm going to become HOKAGE! Heck, I bet I could master the Rasengan in three days!"

"You bet, do you?" says Tsunade, planting her fists on her hips. "Well I'll give you seven days, and I'll throw in my necklace as well! Meet me back here in a week and if you can do the Rasengan I'll come with you and help you friend."

"But…" Naruto's blood runs cold. "She only has a week left!"

"Then you better master it sooner!" laughs Tsunade, turning and walking away. "Come, Shizune!"

"Pervy Sage!" whines Naruto. "What if I can't do it?"

"You CAN do it," says Pervy Sage. "I'd say to train like your life depends on it, but it's not your life in danger."

Naruto stares down at his hands. Sasuke's life depends on him.

* * *

Karin finds her mother passed out at Sasuke's bedside. Sasuke still isn't any better or worse. Karin knows that her mother is doing her best, and that other medics are helping, but sticking Sasuke back together after what Gaara did is nearly impossible. If Karin's mother had proper medical training instead of just her kekkei genkai, she might have been able to heal Sasuke by now. But to use the royal Uzumaki bloodline to its fullest potential, medical knowledge is required.

Karin sneaks past her mother and pushes up her sleeve. Carefully, Karin takes out Sasuke's breathing mask and places her own forearm in Sasuke's mouth. Karin has to stop herself from screaming. She can feel her chakra healing Sasuke a tiny bit. Karin wonders if she should have just let Sasuke die, since Sasuke is so broken. But no: if there is a chance to save someone, then a medic should always try. A medic should not stop treatment until the patient is dead or healed. That is the rule.

Karin has more actual medical knowledge than her mother, even if her mother has more experience. Karin has never used her kekkei genkai before, but she has always known she had it and how it works. Sasuke is healed enough now that Karin's mother can take a proper rest.

Sasuke is still not out of danger, though.

Karin wraps a bandage around the bite mark on her arm, pushes her sleeve down and climbs out of the window. It is better no one even knows she was there.

* * *

"Where is Nagato?" asks Yahiko, worried.

"He went out for a walk," Konan reminds her husband.

"That was this morning," says Yahiko, who remembers. "It is now after four."

"So? Nagato's a responsible adult."

"The last time we left him alone this long he became leader of the Hidden Rain," points out Yahiko. "What if he's done something like that?"

"He can't become leader of the Hidden Leaf," says Konan. "Stop worrying."

"Remember what happened when we left him alone in the Hidden Mist?" Yahiko reminds her. "He stole a fresh genin to be his apprentice!"

"You're right, we should find him," sighs Konan. She closes and puts down her copy of Make Out Violence and follows Yahiko out into the streets of Konoha.

After a fair amount of sleuthing, the track Nagato down to a two story house with the Uzumaki symbol painted in bright orange above the front door. In the front yard, Nagato is playing catch with a little girl who has a toad on the back of her jacket. A middle-aged woman is sitting on the front steps watching, a stuffed toad identical to the one on the girl's jacket sitting beside her.

"Hey Nagato!" calls Yahiko. "What have you been doing all day?"

"Playing with Jiraiya sensei's daughter!" grins Nagato.

"You're kidding." Yahiko's draw drops and he looks at the little girl Nagato is playing catch with. "Is she…?"

"Yep!" Nagato grins and walks over to the girl, patting her on the head. "This is Kimiko. The hospital did a DNA test and everything, but Lord Hokage believes her, and that's more important."

Konan grins. That is something one does not see often. "Hello, Kimiko," she says to the little girl. "I'm Konan. This idiot -" she puts her hand on Yahiko's shoulder "- is my husband, Yahiko. We are friends of Nagato's."

"They're the friends I was telling you about," sasy Nagato, grinning at Kimiko. "The ones your Dad trained alongside me."

Kimiko looks from Nagato to Konan and Yahiko and back at Nagato. Then she smiles shyly and hides behind Nagato, grabbing his arm and peeking out from behind it. "H-hi," she whispers.

"So there are more of you, then?" says the woman sitting on the porch. "How about you two stay for tea as well?"

"Oh, that's alright," Yahiko tries to politely turn the woman down, but Konan is having none of it.

"That would be lovely, thank you," says says, smiling. "What is your name?"

"I'm Kazama Namikaze," she says. "Jiraiya's new sidekick is my grandson. Kimiko is staying here because the Hokage didn't know who else to fob her off on."

"We really don't need to…" Yahiko tries to protest.

"Don't be silly, Yahiko," says Konan. "We got invited, so we are staying." then she turns to Kazama. "Would you like me to help you cook? Yahiko doesn't eat as much as Nagato, but he still eats a lot."

Yahiko sighs, resigning himself to the inevitable.


	112. D-Day

The seventh day dawns and Naruto still has not mastered the Rasengan. Jiraiya wakes up before Naruto and heads off to go find Tsunade. Perhaps he can appeal to her better nature. Jiraiya heads into town, wondering if he should have let things drag on this long.

If they can get Tsunade back to the Leaf in time it will be a miracle. Heck, if they can get Tsunade back to the Leaf at all, it will be a miracle.

Jiraiya continues his hunt for Tsunade, hoping that Sasuke is still alive when they get back to the Hidden Leaf.

* * *

Tsunade wakes on the seventh day. She has two meetings to go to, but she only intends to go to one. After making sure Shizune is thoroughly knocked out, Tsunade heads off to meet with the masked man to the North of the village.

Tsunade cannot bear to face Naruto and tell him why she cannot save his friend.

* * *

Jiraiya locates Tsunade's follower, Shizune. It looks like Tsunade knocked the young man out. Jiraiya wakes him and demands, "Where is Tsunade?"

The young man stares at Jiraiya in horror. "Oh no!" He says. "She must've gone to meet with that man!"

"What man?" demands Jiraiya.

"The day you found us a man in a mask came and spoke to Tsunade," explains Shizune. "He asked her to join his cause in exchange for bringing back Dan and Nawaki, and Paying all her gambling debts. He said is aim is to create a perfect world without war, death and suffering. He gave Lady Tsunade seven days to make up her mind, and if she refused he would kill both of us."

"Where did he tell her to meet him?" demands Jiraiya.

"Outside the North border of town," Shizune tells him.

"Go and find Naruto," says Jiraiya. "Make sure he is alright. I am going to find Tsunade and ensure she does not join that man, whoever he is."

"Yes, Lord Jiraiya!" says Shizune and scrambles to his feet. He scoops up Tsunade's pig and runs off to find Naruto.

Jiraiya heads towards to North of town.

* * *

Naruto is frustrated. No matter how hard he tries, he cannot figure out the final stage of the Rasengan.

And while Naruto is taking forever learning a new jutsu, Sasuke is dying. Unless they can get back to the Hidden leaf with Tsunade today, Sasuke will die.

" _At the end of those two weeks, Sasuke will be healed enough to live! But I know my mother! She'll do her best to heal Sasuke, but… At the end of those two weeks, it won't be Sasuke who'll be dead! It will be my Mum!"_ Karin's face floats in front of Naruto's eyes.

If Karin's mum dies, then Sasuke will die too. Naruto is not an idiot. He knows that Karin was lying about Sasuke being healed enough to live. Lee only had an arm a leg crushed, and he will never walk right again. Sasuke had half of her body crushed. Even if she lives, she will never got off life support, let alone walk.

For Sasuke, that would be worse than death.

Sasuke will either die or be a helpless cripple.

Unless Naruto can bring Tsunade back to the village to heal her.

Not to mention the risk that Karin's mum will die, leaving her an orphan.

Naruto feels helpless. How could he have been so stupid as to risk the lives of his friend and his clanswoman on the off chance he could master his father's jutsu?

Naruto punches the tree he is training beside. Pervy Sage was gone when he woke up, so he cannot ask for help. Stupid, stupid Pervy Sage! Naruto almost wishes they'd never met. Naruto punches the tree again, making his knuckles bleed.

Why can't he get this? Why is ninjutsu so hard? Why is that stupid Tsunade so strong? Why doesn't she care that Sasuke might die? She's supposed to be a medic, and medics care!

Naruto keeps punching the tree. Sasuke is going to die. Even if she lives, she'll be so down that it will be like she is dead. And Karin's mother will have broken her vow for nothing! Tears start falling from Naruto's eyes and he attacks the tree with punches and kicks.

Maybe he was never meant to learn his father's jutsu.

His father! Naruto wishes he could punch his father. That the tree was his father. Why? Why did his father have to seal the Nine Tails into him? Why?

Sasuke is lucky. Her father would cut off his own arms and legs before hurting one of his own children.

Naruto can't even see the tree anymore. He tries once again to form the Rasengan and fails, but he slams it into the tree anyway.

"NARUTO!" a voice calls.

Naruto wipes his eyes and turns to see Shizune running towards him. "What?" he asks grumpily.

"I'm glad you're okay!" says Shizune, sounding relieved. The stupid pig is in Shizune's arms.

"Why?" asks Naruto. "Is the town in danger or something?"

"No, just Lady Tsunade!" Shizune claps his hands over his mouth.

"Then let's go and help her!" says Naruto. "Where is she? And where's Pervy Sage?"

"Do you mean Lord Jiraiya?" asks Shizune. "He went to find Lady Tsunade at the meeting spot-"

"WHAT MEETING SPOT?!" yells Naruto. Was Tsunade planning on double-crossing him? "TAKE ME THERE!"

"Okay!" agrees Shizune. "but please stop yelling! It's this way." Shizune turns and runs back towards the town.

Naruto follows, still trying to figure out how to complete the Rasengan. If Tsunade is in trouble, then Naruto might be able to use the Rasengan to help! But how powerful is the foe, if such a strong Lady is in danger? Naruto shudders at the thought.

* * *

Karin is worried about her mother. Her mother has barely rested in the last couple of weeks, and there is still no sign of Naruto returning with Tsunade. Karin paces outside Sasuke's hospital room, far more worried about her mother than about Sasuke. Sasuke is probably going to die or something anyway. Karin's mother on the other hand, is selflessly using her chakra to keep a kid she doesn't even know alive on the faint hope a medic who hasn't set foot in the Hidden Leaf since the Third Shinobi war will come back in time to save her.

Karin does not think anyone can really fix up Sasuke. Save her from dying? Yes. Heal her so that she can have something resembling a normal life? No.

But at least if Sasuke lives Karin's mother won't have sacrificed her own health for nothing.

Karin peeks around the door to Sasuke's room, where Sasuke is still in a coma. Karin's mother is using her kekkei genkai to try to stabilize Sasuke, whose condition is deteriorating fast. Karin can tell her mother is at her limit. After not using the technique for years, Karin's mother has been consistently overusing her chakra for two weeks now. If she weren't an Uzumaki she would be long dead.

And then Karin's mother falls backwards, hitting the floor with a thump.

Karin nearly screams.

One of the nurses in Sasuke's room does scream.

The machines hooked up to Sasuke go crazy.

Karin doesn't even think. Her sleeve is up and her arm is in Sasuke's mouth before any of the attending medics even move. "Take care of my Mum!" Karin orders. She might only be a genin, but she is a shinobi, and she is a princess. "I'll look after Sasuke for now."

A couple of the attending medic carry Karin's mother away, the rest crowd around to make sure Sasuke and Karin are alright. It seems they are finally aware of the danger of using such a kekkei genkai.

Karin grits her teeth and vows to punch Naruto for taking so long.

* * *

Tsunade walks calmly to the appointed meeting place, trying not to second guess her decision. She really wants to see Dan and Nawaki again...She knows that whoever this man is, he is not a good person…

Tsunade shakes off her troublesome thoughts.

She cannot afford any doubt about her decision.

Tsunade stops when she is out of sight of the city walls. She does not want to give Jiraiya or Shizune any leads to follow. It is better for Shizune to go with Jiraiya back to the Leaf, where he can be with people his age.

Tsunade hears footsteps behind her and turns to see the cloaked and masked man walking slowly towards her.

"I see you came after all," the man says smoothly. "So have you made the right choice?"

Tsunade turns to face the man. "I hope so," she says, and punches the ground. There is a good chance this fight will be her last.


	113. A New Enemy Appears

Fugaku listens as the medic tells him about Okami's collapse. He had no idea she was working herself to death. Fugaku thanks the medic for telling him and goes into the room where Okami is resting and a nervous looking medic trying to keep Okami in her bed.

"Okami sama," says Fugaku, well aware of what it sounds like he said.

"Chief Fugaku!" says Okami, halting her attempt to free herself from forced rest. "What are you doing here?"

"Please do not kill yourself trying to save my daughter!" begs Fugaku, bowing. "Sasuke should be dead, I know, and I am grateful to you for trying to save her, but your daughter needs you. Don't kill yourself, please."

"Chief…" the medic stares at Fugaku in disbelief.

Okami sighs. "I promised I would keep her alive until Naruto and Jiraiya bring back Tsunade. They are not back yet, so I must-"

"NO!" says Fugaku. "Not if it kills you! It would not be right for you to die to save a child who should have died two weeks ago. Karin would hate you for it, and there would be no joy in Sasuke's recovery if was accomplished by the death of another!"

"Chief Fugaku, are you saying I should just let your daughter die?" snaps Okami.

"I don't want her to die," says Fugaku. "But if the price of saving her is another life, then I am not willing to pay it!"

Okami stares at Fugaku, then she lies back down and closes her eyes. "Then don't blame me if your kid dies."

* * *

Jiraiya runs towards the North border of town, through the crowded streets. The roofs in this town are not strong enough to run across. Jiraiya is pushing his way through a crowd of shoppers when vines snake up from the ground and trap him in place. Jiraiya struggles against the vines, trying to break free.

The ground in front of Jiraiya begins to tremble as something resembling a venus flytrap rises from the dirt. The top of the strange plant creature opens up enough to reveal a face that is half white and half black. "Well," the creature says, "It looks like my next meal has arrived." Another vine snakes out and wraps around a terrified boy, who is clinging to his mother. The vine drags the boy towards the plant being, who eats the child in a few seconds. "Mm, what a nice, crunchy appetizer!" it says. The boy's mother screams in terror, only to be snapped in half by another vine and dragged into the ground. "I'll save you for later," says the plant creature.

"ARRGH!" with a yell, Jiraiya snaps the vines and then bites his thumb. "Summoning Jutsu!"

Civilians run away, screaming in terror.

With a puff, Gamaken appears, filling up the open space between the buildings. "Jiraiya," says Gamaken. "Why have you summoned me here? There is not much room to move and I am so clumsy I might knock down these buildings."

"Then we will grab this monster and hop out of town," says Jiraiya. "Jump whichever way is the shortest!" Jiraiya grabs the vines snaking out of the plant creature and yanks them hard, pulling the plant creature towards him. "GO!"

Gamaken leaps through the air, away from the North side of town. Jiraiya frowns. He will have to go all the way through town again to get to the place where Tsunade is meeting the masked man. Jiraiya tries not to worry about Tsunade. He needs to stop this plant monster.

The plant monster breaks free of Jiraiya's grasp and lands on the ground in a crouch.

Jiraiya strikes a pose. "I am the Mighty Toad Sage of Mount Myoboku, Jiraiya!" he announces. "Defender of the helpless and wooer of women! Who are you, fiend?"

"We are Zetsu," says the plant monster, in what sounds suspiciously like two voices. "And we will not let you escape until Tsunade joins us or dies."

Green branches rise from the ground and wrap around Jiraiya and Gamaken. The branches squeeze tightly, and Gamaken vanishes with a _poof_. Jiraiya forms his hair into a shield, stopping the vines from crushing him. Jiraiya starts making hand signs under his hair. Then he parts his hair shield long enough to spit fire all over the vines closest to him, burning them away.

* * *

The ground shatters from the force of Tsunade's punch. The masked man leaps into the air and launches a fireball at Tsunade. Tsunade dodges out of the way, running behind the masked man, appearing behind him before the fireball has dispersed. She punches the Masked Man into the ground, only for him to vanish in a puff of smoke. A log clatters to the ground in his place. Tsunade lands on the ground in a half-crouch, ready to spring into action.

The masked man appears, aiming a barrage of punches at Tsunade, who flips backwards to avoid the onslaught. The Masked Man darts forward, aiming a solid punch to Tsunade's gut. Tsunade slams his hand into the ground, diverting the force of his blow. With a _poof_ , the Masked Man vanishes. Tsunade senses someone behind her and turns, kicking aiming a roundhouse kick at where the Masked Man's face will be if he is behind her. The Masked Man raises both arms and blocks the kick. He slides back several paces, his feet churning up the ground in his wake. But then he digs in his heels and pushes Tsunade back, throwing her slightly off balance.

The Masked Man whips out a kunai and slashes at Tsunade. Tsunade dodges to the side, avoiding the kunai. If she lets herself get cut it's over.

* * *

Minoru is crying. The little brat never stops, unless he can see his mother. Tobirama is thoroughly sick of the crying. Hashirama asked him to watch the baby, and when Hashirama says 'please watch the baby' he means 'watch the baby or you are dead, boy'. So Tobirama is watching the baby.

Well, at the moment he is rocking Minoru's crib in hopes he will go to sleep.

"At least my kids were quiet," Tobirama grumbles. Dammit, this isn't working. Tobirama picks up Minaru and rocks him. "Come on, stop crying, Uncle Tobirama's here. Shh. Shh."

Minoru finally stops crying.

And then Tobirama sees something in the bottom of the crib that surprises him. He reaches a hand down and picks up a blue flower from the place where Minoru was lying. Minoru was lying on a bed of flowers.

It's not the first time Tobirama has seen something like this. The first time he saw something like this was the day his father discovered Hashirama's wood style. It was on that day, when Batsuma finally acknowledged Hashirama's talent, that he and his brother were sent to the training fields to learn to fight. That was the day they became warriors. Tobirama went because Hashirama was too scared to go alone.

Even back then, Tobirama felt like the older brother.

"I'm glad you weren't born back then," says Tobirama, smiling down at Minoru, who inherited the wood style kekkei genkai from Tenzou.

* * *

Charred pieces of wood and vine fall to the ground around Jiraiya. He looks around him, unable to sense Zetsu's chakra. Zetsu is nowhere to be seen. Jiraiya hears the slightest noise behind him and dodges fast. Something rips open his left shoulder, leaving a shallow but painful gash.

Jiraiya curses. It is too early in the fight to be getting injured.

Next thing he knows, Jiraiya is hanging in the air in a wooden cage suspended between two poles.

"It looks tasty," says Zetsu, in a deep voice.

"All that hair looks stringy!" says Zetsu in a high pitched whiny voice. "We'll have to shave it off!"

"The hair is the best part, moron," says the deep Zetsu voice. "It's like candy floss."

"But it gets stuck in our teeth!"

"Wuss."

"OI!" yells Jiraiya. "I am not your food!"

"Yes you are!" say both voices at once.

"Now, shall we fry him or bake him?" asks the deep voice.

"I want to roast him with potatoes," says the whiny voice. "And are we gonna take out the giblets?"

"We'll feed them to the cat."

"We ate the cat."

Jiraiya decides enough is enough. He weaves some hand-signs and casts a fire jutsu at one side of the cage, burning through it. _This Zetsu guy isn't taking me seriously at all_ , Jiraiya thinks. _If he were, I'd probably be dead. What is he up to?_

* * *

Tsunade prepares to counterattack, but the Masked man presses his advantage further. He throws the kunai, and as Tsunade dodges out of the way, the Masked Man hurls a volley of shuriken at her. Tsunade barely manages to dodge.

The Masked Man leaps forward and slashes Tsunade, catching her forearms as she tries to leap backwards out of the way. Blood flies up out of the wounds.

Blood.

...blood.

Tsunade screams in terror.

The Masked Man kicks Tsunade across the grass.

Tsunade kneels on the ground, staring at the blood on her arms in horror, unable to move.

The Masked Man strides towards her. He pulls back his fist and swings it forward again, right at Tsunade's face. She cannot move. Blood, so much blood

Orange.

Naruto is standing between the Masked Man and Tsunade, the Masked man's fist hits Naruto's forehead protector. Naruto glares at the Masked Man.

"Only Rain should wear a mask like that," he says. "And you aren't Rain, 'tebayo."


	114. Breaking the Mask

Naruto is Extremely Mad. Not Nine-Tail's-Chakra-Leaking-Out Mad, but pretty darn mad. Who is this Masked Man, and how dare he dress like Rain? Naruto glares at the Masked Man, ignoring the pain in his forehead. The mask is coming off.

Naruto is so used to trying to make the Rasengan now that his hands are forming it before he knows what he's doing. The Masked Man tries to dodge backwards, but Naruto slams the incomplete rasengan into his stomach. The Masked Man hits Naruto over the head, unaffected by the incomplete rasengan. Naruto is sent flying to the left.

Naruto uses his antigravity seal to halt his wild flight towards a boulder. Naruto flies back towards the masked man at top speed, but the Masked Man turns to one side and slams his fist down on Naruto's back. Naruto crashes into the ground, and the Masked Man stops down hard on Naruto's back.

Naruto sees Tsunade, crouched on the ground, a look of pure terror on her face. What is she afraid of?

The Masked Man kicks Naruto into the boulder, then turns and walks towards Tsunade. It seems he does not consider Naruto a threat.

Naruto is sore all over. He is still exhausted from all the training, right off the back of the chunin exams and the month of intense training before the finals. But Naruto is going to break that mask and find out who has been impersonating Rain. Naruto pulls himself back to his feet, wincing in pain. There is half a plan in his brain.

Half a plan is enough, if he can act on it.

Naruto flies forward. Flying doesn't hurt. He lands in front of Tsunade, between her and the Masked Man.

The Masked Man whips out a kunai and charges.

Naruto makes a shadow clone. Naruto grabs the oncoming kunai, while the clone makes the Tiger seal. The kuni cuts a deep gash between Naruto's index and middle fingers, but he simply grabs the hand holding it, glaring into the shadows hiding the Masked Man's visible eye.

"Fuuin: Temporal Distortion!" says the clone, trapping the Masked Man in the Temporal distortion seal.

Naruto holds out his free hand. He can only hold the Temporal Distortion seal for a short time. He's working on it, though. The clone starts forming the rasengan in Naruto's free hand while Naruto holds it steady. One hand for each step.

"Rasengan!" yells Naruto, slamming the jutsu into the Masked Man's mask, just as the temporal distortion seal ends and the clone vanishes in a puff of smoke.

The Masked Man flies backwards, his hand and kunai pulling free of Naruto's left hand. Naruto walks towards him, panting.

The mask cracks, and pieces begin to fall to the ground. Naruto cannot see the Man's face yet. The Masked Man lifts his hand to the mask, feeling how cracked it is. Another piece falls away in the Man's hand.

"Who are you?" Naruto asks.

"That must remain a secret for a little while longer," says the Masked Man, shooting a pointed wooden branch out of the hand not covering the hole in his mask. The branch hits Naruto in the gut, piercing him right through. The Masked Man flees, pieces of his mask falling to the ground. The branch retracts and the Masked Man vanishes.

Naruto coughs up blood and falls to the ground. He shouldn't have flown off and left Shizune behind.

* * *

There is so much blood.

Just like when Nawaki died.

Just like when Dan died.

Tsunade couldn't save them. They are dead, never coming back…

...blood.

Naruto is not dead. Not yet. But he will be soon.

So much blood.

 _He won't die if you save him,_ says Tsunade's medic side.

 _But there is so much blood,_ says the fear. _Just like with Dan and Nawaki!_

 _I'm going to be Hokage!_ Naruto's voice rings through Tsunade's mind. Those words were the words her brother used to say. And then Nawaki died in battle while he was still a child. He never even had a girlfriend.

 _My dream is to be Hokage,_ Dan's calm voice cuts through Tsunade's fear. He agreed with Tsunade that they should have more medics among the shinobi. And then he died because she, as a medic, could not save him.

Blood is soaking the grass under Naruto.

Nawaki...

Dan…

 _Save him!_

Tsunade gets up and walks over to Naruto. Then she falls to her knees at the sight of his wound. "So much blood…" Tsunade stammers.

"Sasuke's hurt worse," Naruto whispers, turning his head. "You lost the bet-" he chokes, coughing up blood.

That's right, Tsunade bet that if Naruto could master the Rasengan in a week, she would go back to the Leaf and heal his friend.

And she would give him the necklace. The necklace that she gave Dan and Nawaki just before each of them died.

And just after he won it in a bet, before he even claimed it, Naruto is fatally wounded.

 _It's only fatal if he dies from it!_ Snaps Tsunade's medical conscience.

Tsunade's hands are glowing with healing chakra before she has time to remember the blood. Tsunade starts to heal Naruto, slowly at first, but then the last of her fear fades and is replaced by determination. The wound heals faster and faster, knitting back together. It wasn't so bad after all. Tsunade looks at the blood soaked into Naruto's jacket and sees only blood. The bad memories are still there, but there is no fear anymore.

Shizune comes running, Tonton in his arms. "Lady Tsunade! Naruto!" he calls "What happened?"

"Where've you been?" Tsunade demands.

"Naruto flew on ahead!" explains Shizune. "I followed as fast as I could, but Naruto can fly really fast!"

"I practice every day," says Naruto, smiling weakly. "Grandma says you gotta practice if you wanna get good and stay good. 'Course, she was talking about music, but that's okay, 'tebayo."

Naruto's abdominal wound is healed now. Tsunade picks up Naruto's hand and heals the cut between his fingers.

Naruto sits up and grins. "So now that I won the bet, will you come back to the Leaf and heal Sasuke? We have to get back today, 'tebayo, and-"

Tsunade laughs. "Then let's get going, brat," she says. Then Tsunade takes off her necklace and tries to tie it around Naruto's neck. "You won this as well."

"Ew, no!" says Naruto, pulling a face. "Why would I want your crummy necklace?"

Tsunade glares at Naruto. "I'll have you know this necklace belonged to the First Hokage!"

Naruto's expression changes. "Okay, fine," he says, staring at the necklace. "I'll take it, then. I'm going to be Hokage one day."

Tsunade rolls her eyes and fastens her grandfather's necklace around Naruto's neck.

* * *

No sooner has Jiraiya touched the ground than vines wrap around him, trapping him in place once more.

"The food is trying to escape," says Zestsu's whiny voice. "Bad food!"

"It's more fun when the food puts up a fight," says Zetsu's deep voice. "Now how about marinating him in wild grass and olive oil, then frying him?"

"Mmm, that sounds yummy," says the whiny voice. "Do we leave the clothes on or off?"

"Leave them on," says the deep Zetsu. "They add flavour when cooking. Like an oven bag, but smellier."

"True, but this one's really dirty," whines the whiny voice. "It might taste awful!"

"Heeeeeeeeeelloooooooo!" a strange white being rises out of the ground.

"What?" asks Zetsu. "I'm trying to decide how to eat this human!"

"We're retreating," says the strange white creature. "The Nine Tails kid broke the mask. You can eat that some other time!"

"Very well," says Zetsu. "I have a snack stored away, anyways."

Zetsu and the strange white creature disappear into the ground and the vines entrapping Jiraiya retract.

Jiraiya has no time to ponder what just happened. He runs full speed through the village, hoping he will be in time to stop Tsunade from doing whatever she is planning on doing. _What mask did Naruto break_ , Jiraiya wonders. _Was it this mysterious Masked Man's mask? Or was it something else?_

Jiraiya makes it a fair way through town before he sees Tsunade, Shizune and Naruto strolling along towards him.

"Hey!" Naruto yells, waving. "I mastered the Rasengan! Tsunade's gonna come back to the Leaf with us!"

"Oi!" snaps Tsunade. "That's Lady Tsunade to you!"

"Old Lady, More like," says Naruto, cheekily.

"Well, she is my age," says Jiraiya, joining them. "Even though she doesn't look it."

"Hah!" says Naruto, dodging an angry cuff over the ear from Tsunade. "Granny! Granny! Granny Tsunade!"

"Oi! I'm not that old!" growls Tsunade.

Naruto laughs and runs off like a graffiti artist who's been caught red-handed. Tsunade gives chase, followed closely by Shizune. Jiraiya rolls his eyes and heads to the inn to get their things. No doubt Naruto is making a break for the road back to Konoha. The kid keeps everything sealed into his jacket, so he's probably not worried about anyone else's stuff.


	115. Pitiful and Forlorn

Naruto wastes no time dragging Tsunade to the hospital once they arrive back in the Leaf. The sun is going down and they have been travelling all day.

In the hospital foyer, near the cafeteria, a woman with short red hair is eating at an alarming rate. Piles of plates and bowls are stacked up around her, and people are rushing left and right to keep her fed. Naruto runs straight up to the woman. "Mrs. Karin's Mum," he says. "Is Sasuke alright?"

"If by alright you mean alive, yes," says the woman, slurping up an entire bowl of ramen in one mouthful.

"I have Granny Tsunade!" says Naruto.

"Oi!" says Tsunade, still not entirely okay with being called Granny, even though she is kinda pleased. "Stop calling me Granny!"

"You're Tsunade?" asks the woman, ignoring Naruto.

"Yes."

"I am Okami Uzumaki. You may call me Kami."

"Are you in charge of this Sasuke kid's treatment?"

"Yes, I assume you want to examine her right away?"

"Lead on."

Okami stands up and leads Tsunade to the intensive care wards. "She's in here," says Okami, leading Tsunade into a room where a girl with red hair is treating a girl with blue hair. "Karin!" says Okami, rushing over to the red haired girl. "What are you doing, you silly girl!" She pulls Karin's arm out of the blue haired girl's mouth. "You don't have enough chakra for this!" Then Okami hugs the girl. "I'm so proud of you. You have the heart of a medic!"

Tsunade, assuming the blue haired girl is Sasuke based on the lack of other patients in the room, steps up beside the comatose girl's bed and examines her injuries. As Tsunade's healing jutsu passes over Sasuke, Tsunade's face grows much, much grimmer.

"Naruto," Okami is saying. "Take Karin to the kitchen and get her to eat lots of food. That's lots by your standards, not hers, by the way."

"Okay!" says Naruto. "Come on Karin!" Naruto drags Karin out of the ward.

Once the two genin are gone, Tsunade turns to Okami. "This girl should be dead," she says.

"She was for a few seconds," says Okami.

"What possessed you to try and save her?" demands Tsunade. "Even I can't fix this!"

Okami frowns, a look of annoyance on her face. "Maybe you would have tried too, if you had seen the look on her father's face when he thought she died. He looked so...pitiful and forlorn."

Tsunade sighs. "I lost a bet, so I have to try and save this kid," she tells Okami. "But the chance the surgery will kill her is exponentially high. And even if she does make it, there's still the matter of her arm and leg. I can't do it all in one go, I don't have that kind of chakra."

"What if I helped you?" asks Okami. "I am the Uzumaki Queen after all. I can keep her alive while you fix her up. I can even speed the healing process in surgery so you don't have to bother with stitches and pins and the like. Together, we might be able to save her."

Tsunade looks at Sasuke. The poor child looks like a bundle of bandages. "We need to begin right away," she says, straightening her shoulders. "Get us an operating theatre while I get her ready. Every second counts."

* * *

Naruto is tempted to tie Karin to her chair.

"But why do I have to eat so much?" whines Karin. "I'll get fat!"

"No you won't!" says Naruto. "Your mum just ate more than most people eat in a month, and she's still super skinny. I do the same sometimes, and I'm still skinny as anything! Where do you think all the extra food goes? It becomes chakra. It's a secret kekkei genkai that no one's allowed to know about except the Uzumaki royal bloodline and the Umino clan. Iruka-nii told me about it cause he thought there weren't any other Uzumakis left." Naruto whispers the last few sentences so that only Karin can hear. "Now start eating."

Karin starts eating, slowly at first. Then she picks up speed and starts shovelling her food down so fast that Naruto has to order more after ten minutes.

Pervy Sage and Shizune appear and rush over to where Naruto is passing Karin full plates of food. It seems those two slowpokes finally caught up.

"Granny Tsunade's already with Sasuke," says Naruto, smiling. "Everything's gonna be alright, 'tebayo."

"That Tsunade better be a miracle worker," says Karin, pausing in her eating. "Sasuke is pretty messed up."

"I'll go and see how they are getting on," says Shizune. "Where do I need to go?"

"Shadow Clone Jutsu!" Naruto makes a couple of clones. "You, take Shizune to Sasuke and Grandma Tsunade." He tells one. "And you go get Mr. Nice Police Chief, 'tebayo."

"Yes, boss!" say the clones. One drags off Shizune and the other flies off to find Mr. Nice Police Chief. Naruto decides it doesn't matter that the clones did each other's tasks, so long as both tasks get done.

Karin goes back to shovelling food into her mouth faster than even Naruto can manage.

Pervy Sage stands around looking baffled (Naruto learned that word from Hinata).

* * *

Eizo is dragging Sasuke's green dinosaur around the kitchen for no apparent reason. Fugaku is not sure if it is cute, funny or annoying. Eizo will get dizzy soon anyway, so Fugaku carries on washing the dinner dishes.

Sure enough, Eizo sits down with a plop and says, "Dizzy."

Fugaku smiles.

"Orange!" says Eizo, jumping up and pulling on Fugaku's pants. "Orange! Orange here!"

Fugaku turns and looks down at Eizo, who is pointing towards the front door. "Orange? Who do you mean?" Eizo has taken to calling people by whatever stands out to him the most about them.

"Orange!" repeats Eizo, a frown on his chubby little face.

A moment later, Naruto bursts in. Of course he means Naruto. Duh!

"So you're back then?" asks Fugaku, trying to keep his cool.

"Yep!" grins Naruto. "I made a bet with Granny Tsunade, and she lost so she had to come back to the Leaf and fix up Sasuke. That's what she's doing right now."

"Fix Pretty Big Sister?" asks Eizo hopefully. "No more broken?"

Fugaku scoops up Eizo and heads out the door, abandoning the dishes. His hands are still wet and soapy, but he does not care. Mikoto is out with Itachi doing something to do with having a healthy pregnancy. Itachi hates these constant check ups and social groups. If she didn't hate them, Mikoto would not be dragging her to them. They are part of her punishment.

Naruto vanishes in a puff of smoke. A shadow clone, huh?

Fugaku grabs Eizo's jacket on the way out and locks the door behind him. He wraps Eizo in his jacket and shunshins to the hospital as fast as he can.

"WEEE!" laughs Eizo. He is still giggling when Fugaku enters the hospital.

Fugaku sees Naruto, Karin and Lord Jiraiya sitting at a table outside the hospital cafeteria. Karin is scoffing down every plate of food Naruto hands her in record time. Jiraiya is staring like he's never seen anything like it.

"Mr. Nice Police Chief!" grins Naruto. "You came!" Then he frowns. "I remember going to your house and talking to you, why is that?"

"Naruto, when a shadow clone dispels the jutsu caster gains all the clone's memories," explains Fugaku.

Naruto's eyes turn wide. "That sounds awesome, 'tebayo!"

Karin swipes the plate of food Naruto is holding and empties it into her mouth.

Naruto slaps his hand together in a handsign and says, "Release!" Naruto frowns in concentration, then he says, "Granny Tsunade and Mrs. Karin's Mum are fixing Sasuke."

"Where?" asks Fugaku.

"Follow me!" says Naruto, handing Karin another plate of food. "Keep eating, Karin!"

" _Om, nom, nom_ ," Karin keeps eating.

Naruto runs off, heading for the emergency section of the hospital. Fugaku follows, with Eizo tucked under his arm. There is a young man Fugaku vaguely recognizes pacing outside an operating theatre. Above the operating theatre is a red light forbidding entry to all.

"Sasuke's in there," says Naruto, pointing at the operating theatre.

Fugaku sits down on the bench near the door to the theatre and waits.

And waits.

Hours pass: Eizo falls asleep and Naruto plops down beside Fugaku. Karin and Jiraiya appear after a while and sit down too. The young man stops pacing and joins them on the, now very full, bench. Fugaku notices the pig the young man is holding, but decides not to question it. He's seen odder things.

Sparky flies into the hospital and lands on Naruto's shoulder.

"Oh, hey Sparky," says Naruto. "Where've you been? I thought you woulda' followed me again."

Sparky ruffles his feathers and tucks his beak under his wing.

Eizo shifts his head and sighs in his sleep.

Finally, after about three hours, the light above the door turns green and the doors open. Tsunade and Okami wheel out Sasuke, who is lying unconscious on a hospital bed, wrapped in fresh bandages and a clean hospital gown.

Fugaku stands up and nearly runs to Sasuke's side. "Will she be alright?" he asks. She doesn't look any different, and she is still wearing a breathing mask.

"She is going to need two more operations," says Tsunade. "One on her leg and one on her arm. We'll do the arm first, since it is more damaged, but we need to recover our chakra first."

"Okay," says Fugaku, relieved. "So long as she'll be alright."

"See what I mean?" says Okami. "Like a half drowned, kicked puppy."

Tsunade laughs. "I see your point."

"What are you talking about?" asks Fugaku, suspicious they are making fun of him.

The two women grin at each other.

"Should we tell him?" asks Tsunade.

"Fugaku, you look like a half-drowned, kicked puppy whenever someone mentions Sasuke nowadays," says Okami mercilessly. "It's pitiful. You're supposed to be the stoic Chief of Police, not a wet dishrag."

Fugaku droops.

Naruto yawns. "I'm going home now that Sasuke is alright. Pervy Sage, I'm too tired to walk." Naruto falls across Jiraiya and is instantly asleep.

"Great," says Jiraiya. "Just great."


	116. A Reunion and a Hello

Kimiko has her pyjamas on and her teeth brushed. Now she is sitting on the couch, in between Uncle Nagato and Auntie Konan. Uncle Nagato is reading Kimiko a bedtime story and Auntie Konan is making her paper act out the story.

Uncle Yahiko is sitting at the table playing shogi with Grandpa Arashi.

Kimiko hears the front door open, and then someone walking up the hall. She squishes herself down so whoever it is won't be able to see her.

The hugest, scariest man Kimiko has ever seen walks into the room with a big kid, who looks like all the pictures of the boy who lives here, fast asleep on his back. Kimiko is scared and tries to hide behind Auntie Konan.

"Jiraiya sensei!" Yahiko jumps up from the table so fast he knocks over half his pieces.

Uncle Nagato and Auntie Konan look up too, and grin widely. "Sensei!"

Kimiko's brain catches up to what is happening. They called this man 'Jiraiya sensei'.

He is her dad.

Kimiko stares at the man, who looks like a giant to her. Then she jumps up and runs out of the room. The only place she can go is the music room, so she goes there and hides under a table.

What if Kimiko's dad is the opposite of her mum? What if he is mean and all his friends are nice?

Kimiko starts crying.

* * *

When Jiraiya walked into Minato's old house with Naruto passed out on his back the last thing he expected to see was Yahiko, Nagato and Konan chilling there like they own the place.

That is exactly what he found.

Jiraiya stares at his former students, astonished. "Nagato, Yahiko, Konan," he finally manages to say. "How are you here? I heard you died!"

"We didn't!" Grins Nagato, bouncing over to Jiraiya, a grin plastered all over his face. "And I'm the new leader of the Hidden Rain!"

Jiraiya cannot help grinning back. "I'm so happy you guys are okay after all!"

"Konan and I got married!" says Yahiko, joining Nagato.

Konan walks over much more calmly, but with just as big a grin. "We were going to have a kid. But then we had triplets."

Jiraiya laughs. He is so happy his little tadpoles are okay.

He sees Arashi get up and take an envelope off a shelf. Then Arashi brings it to Jiraiya and says, "This is for you. It is from the little girl who I am sure you saw. Well, from her mother."

Nagato, Yahiko and Konan grin at each other.

Jiraiya dumps Naruto on the couch and opens the envelope. He pulls out a piece of paper with a letter written on it in handwriting that seems vaguely familiar.

" _My Dearest Jiraiya,_

 _I'm sure you remember me ;) You did put me in one of your novels after all. It's hard to forget a black haired, golden eyed beauty, isn't it. If you are reading this letter, it means I am dead. The little girl who brings you this letter is our daughter, Kimiko. And yes, I know we only met once and I ditched you as soon as it was over. Kimiko is your daughter. So look after her. And don't let her train as a shinobi. I know she has talent for it, but I want my baby to stay pure and innocent forever._

 _Love Mystery Princess._

 _PS You better hug Kimiko every day and show her lots of love, or I will literally come back from the dead and chop your dick off._

Once he is finished reading the letter, Jiraiya feels very, very afraid.

"So what does it say?" asks Arashi, curiously.

"Um…" Jiraiya isn't sure what to say. "It basically just makes it clear that if I don't look after Kimiko properly her mother will rise from the grave and destroy me."

"What?" says Yahiko, a confused expression on his face.

"I'd better go introduce myself," says Jiraiya, tucking the letter into his pocket, where no one can get at it. He heads into the music room, where the little girl ran off to.

His daughter.

What the hell is he supposed to do with one of those? Apprentices are confusing enough, let alone a little civilian girl. The letter didn't even mention her age, but based on how long ago his meeting with the girl's mother was, she is probably eight.

Jiraiya opens the music room door and enters quietly. He hears the sound of quiet sobbing coming from under the table in the far corner. Jiraiya walks over to the table and sits down on the floor. "Hello," he says. "I'm your Dad."

The sobbing quiets a bit.

"I'm not really very good with kids," says Jiraiya. "But I'll do my best to look after you, Kimiko."

Kimiko peeks out from under the table, her nose running and her eyes streaming with tears.

Jiraiya smiles at her.

Kimiko throws herself onto Jiraiya's chest and sobs into his shirt. Jiraiya pats her back, not sure what to do. Apparently this is the right thing to do because she soon stops crying. Wiping her face on her sleeve, Kimiko sits back and looks up at Jiraiya.

Jiraiya has a good look at his daughter. She has a round face and golden eyes. Her hair is black liker her mother's, but spiky like his own. Kimiko's hair is shoulder length with a fringe in front. Half her hair is loose and the other half is tied into two pigtails on top of her head. She is wearing pyjamas, which is not surprising considering it is nine in the evening. What does surprise Jiraiya is that Kimiko's pyjamas have tiny Fukasakus and Shimas all over them.

Kimiko is staring at Jiraiya with just as much interest as he is staring at her. It is nearly impossible to tell what she is thinking, though. "Hi," Kimiko whispers.

Jiraiya's heart melts. This kid is adorable!

Before he knows it, Jiraiya is hugging Kimiko tight and cooing, "You're so adorable!"

Kimiko squeaks and gasps. "Can't breathe!"

Jiraiya loosens his hug a bit. Then he stands up with Kimiko in his arms and carries her back into the living room. Well, what used to be the dining room when Minato and Kushina were alive. The Music room is the actual living room.

"So who's gonna sleep where?" Kazama, who emerged from her den of evil while Jiraiya was making friends with Kimiko, is asking Arashi. "We did not plan for this."

"That seems unusually under-organized of you," comments Jiraiya, who honestly thought Kazama was a control freak with OCD.

Kazama sticks her chin out and says, "Kimiko has been sleeping in Naruto's bed. We planned to figure out a more permanent arrangement once you returned. But it's too late at night for that."

"Naruto's already passed out on the couch," shrugs Jiraiya. "Just leave him there and we can figure out the permanent arrangements in the morning."

"Fine, but you're staying here and-" Kazama seems to notice Yahiko, Nagato and Konan. "What's the deal? Weren't you three putting Kimiko to bed? She should be asleep by now."

Kimiko proves Kazama's point by yawning. "What about the story?" she whispers.

"Oh, we were nearly finished," says Nagato, grinning stupidly. He looks over at the couch, where Naruto is sleeping soundly. "I guess we'll have to sit on the floor." Nagato carefully removes a picture book from behind Naruto and sits down on the floor. Then Nagato looks up at Jiraiya expectantly.

Jiraiya, realizing what Nagato wants him to do, sits down on the floor beside Nagato and holds Kimiko in his lap. Nagato opens the picture book and starts reading. Konan stands behind them, where she can see the book, using her paper jutsu to make an origami show of the story. Kimiko is fascinated by Konan's paper show.

Once the story is finished, Yahiko says, "Jiraiya sensei, you should tuck Kimiko into bed."

Jiraiya knows better than to argue when the other four adults in the room are nodding in agreement. "Alright then," he says. Jiraiya stands up with absolutely no idea what he is supposed to be doing. Acting on the information that Kimiko is sleeping in Naruto's room, Jiraiya carries his daughter upstairs to that place.

As they are leaving the living room, Kimiko waves over Jiraiya shoulder and whispers, "Goodnight."

"Goodnight, kid," says Yahiko. Jiraiya figures the others are probably all just waving and smiling or something.

Jiraiya ignores them in favour of trying to figure out how one puts a kid to bed. She's had a bedtime story, so he doesn't need to worry about that. She's in her pyjamas, so he doesn't need to worry about that. What else is there?

Jiraiya finally reaches Naruto's room. He puts Kimiko down on Naruto's bed and awkwardly, "So what am I supposed to do now?"

Kimiko slides herself under the blankets and whispers, "Now you kiss me goodnight and turn the light off."

Jiraiya does not point out that he did not even turn the light on.

As to the other part of his instructions…

Jiraiya has plenty of kissing experience, just not in kissing little kids goodnight. Busty adult ladies? Sure. That is what got him into this mess. But the only little kids he's ever dealt with were his students, and he never had to tuck them into bed.

Well, except for that one time when Minato wouldn't stop crying on the anniversary of his parents deaths and insisted on sleeping in his sensei's tent. But that hardly counts, since they were on a mission and Minato didn't demand to be tucked in.

Kimiko is staring up at Jiraiya with an expectant look on her face, so Jiraiya decides to kiss her forehead. That should be alright. "Goodnight, kid," he says, awkwardly.

"Goodnight, Daddy," whispers Kimiko, lying down and closing her eyes.

Jiraiya leaves the room, closing the door behind him and sighs in relief. Thank kami he didn't botch that up.

Jiraiya heads downstairs, intending to talk to Konan, Yahiko and Nagato properly. Unfortunately, they are leaving.

"We'll come back tomorrow and tell you what we've been up to, sensei!" promises Yahiko on the way out.

"Look after Kimiko," says Konan. "She is very shy. I don't think I've heard her speak above a whisper."

"Bye!" Nagato calls, pushing the other two outside, a huge grin on his face. "Don't forget to tell the Hokage you're back, if you haven't already!"

Oh. That's what they forgot to do. Ah well, no time like first thing in the morning.

Nagato, Yahiko and Konan are gone and the door is shut when Arashi dumps a fuuton in Jiraiya's arms. "You can sleep in my study," he says. "But I reserve the right to kick you if you aren't up by the time I start work."


	117. Pervy-Sage's Kid

Naruto wakes up in the living room, on the couch. What happened to his bedroom? Naruto rolls off the couch and heads upstairs to find out. On the way up, he meets Iruka-nii, heading down stairs. "Iruka-nii!" Naruto jumps on Iruka-nii, tackling him down in a ferocious hug.

"Woah!" laughs Iruka-nii, giving Naruto a noogie. "Calm down, or you'll send us tumbling down the stairs."

"Look," grins Naruto, pulling the First Hokage's necklace out of his collar. "I made a bet with Granny Tsunade, I won so she had to come back to the Leaf and give me her necklace! It used to be the First Hokage's, 'tebayo!"

"Naruto, while it's great that you won, you really shouldn't make bets with people," says Iruka-nii, grinning.

"It was the only way I could get her to come," whines Naruto. "She refused to even listen to me until I said the word 'bet'! Also, I won the bet by mastering the Rasengan in a week, 'tebayo!"

"The rasengan?" says Iruka-nii carefully. "You mean the Fourth Hokage's original jutsu? That Rasengan?"

"YEP! Pervy Sage taught me!"

"You learned it in a week? The whole jutsu?" Iruka-nii looks dumbfounded.

"Well, just the final stage," says Naruto. "I'd already learned the first two steps. Then I got in a fight with Granny Tsunade, and she is really good! She beat me with ONE FINGER! How is she so strong, 'tebayo?"

"Well, she has been through two wars, she's the First Hokage's granddaughter, she's about a third Uzumaki, and she's one of the three Legendary Sannin, the greatest heroes of the Third Shinobi war."

"Oh." Naruto isn't sure how to respond to that. He is impressed. Really impressed. That weird old-young lady is that cool? Wow. Then he remembers his original quest. "How come I was sleeping on the couch?"

"Well," says Iruka-nii, taking a deep breath. "While you were away, a little girl arrived in Mount Myoboku clothing-"

"Hey, Chief Toad said they were making clothes for a little girl!" says Naruto, remembering. "It must be the same girl, 'tebayo!"

"Well, probably," says Iruka. "But she's Jiraiya's daughter."

"Pervy Sage has a kid?" says Naruto, not really surprised. "Well, I guess if he has sex with any woman that'll let him, he should've expected to end up with a kid at some point, 'tebayo. Sex makes babies, after all."

Iruka-nii laughs. "Jiraiya's kid is sleeping in your room at the moment. We are gonna sort out what to do with her today."

"I wanna meet her, 'ttebayo!" says Naruto, jumping off Iruka-nii and running to his own room.

Just as Naruto reaches his room, the door opens and a kid about Konohamaru's age walks out, rubbing her eyes. The little girl sees Naruto and freezes, staring at him. Her hair's a mess, her pyjamas are all rumpled and she looks half asleep.

Naruto stares back. Then he grins. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki, dattebayo!"

The little kid squeaks and runs back into Naruto's room.

Naruto follows. He is going to make friends! Pervy sage's kid is hiding under the quilt on Naruto's bed. Naruto simply hugs her, quilt and all. The kid pokes her face out, glaring at Naruto. Naruto grins. "You're Pervy Sage's kid," he says. "And Pervy Sage is my Godfather. That means you're practically my sister."

"Um…" the kid mutters, burrowing back into the quilt. "Hi."

"You're so cute!" says Naruto, rubbing his face against Kimiko's cheek and squeezing her tight. "So cute, 'tebayo!"

"Hey!" the kid pushes Naruto away angrily.

Naruto, not to be deterred, hugs her tighter.

"LET GO OF ME!" the kid shouts, her hair puffing up like a cat's and turning all sharp and prickly.

Naruto lets go.

The kid runs out of Naruto's room and shuts herself in the bathroom. A minute later, the toilet flushes. Naruto heads back into the hall in time to see Pervy Sage's kid stomp out of the bathroom, scowling. She marches right past Naruto, back into his room and slams the door behind her.

Naruto hears a snort and turns to see Iruka-nii leaning against the wall, red in the face from trying not to laugh. "What's so funny?" demands Naruto, crossing his arms.

Iruka-nii gives up and laughs out loud.

Grandma emerges from her room and asks grumpily, "Who's shouting and banging doors?"

"Kimiko!" laughs Iruka-nii.

"Seriously?" asks Grandma, her eyes wide. "Kimiko spoke above a whisper?"

"I was just trying to make friends, 'tebayo!" whines Naruto.

Grandma's eyebrow twitches. Then she starts laughing too.

* * *

Jiraiya is woken up by kids shouting and doors slamming. Sounds like Kimiko's met Naruto. Jiraiya gets up and heads to the kitchen to get some food. If he's awake, he might as well get up - he has research to do today, not to mention meeting the Hokage to let him know the mission was a success. Oh, and he should probably spend some time with his kid.

Jiraiya feels jealous of his main protagonist. He has all the sex and doesn't have a kid-

Wait. That's a brilliant idea! After all, he did base one of his protagonist's love interests on Kimiko's mum…

His arms loaded with breakfast, Jiraiya sits down at the table, pulls out a pen and paper and starts scribbling out his idea. He can't fit it into the volume he's working on, maybe another book, revolving around the protagonist discovering he has an illegitimate kid...should he kill off the mother, or leave her alive? Maybe the book could end with them getting married.. Nah, then there's no room for another one!

Half an hour later, Jiraiya is still jotting down ideas, his breakfast he devoured between words.

Kimiko and Naruto appear, both scowling and looking like they had their hair brushed for them against their will, which might actually be true. Definitely true in Naruto's case. Kimiko is wearing purple now, and Naruto is wearing clean pants (about time) and a T-Shirt with Gamakichi on it. Kimiko is wearing a matching purple jacket and pleated skirt. The jacket, Jiraiya cannot help but notice, has Gamabunta on the back, and the skirt has a tiny Gamabunta on the left side, just above the hem.

Jiraiya wonders how Kimiko's mother managed to get her Mount Myoboku clothing. Ah well. He has ideas to brainstorm!

Kimiko trots around the table and leans against Jiraiya, obviously expecting something. Absentmindedly, Jiraiya puts his arm around her and pats her shoulder, like he used to do when his students cried. Kimiko is trying to see what Jiraiya is writing.

"You shouldn't look at that," says Naruto. "Pervy Sage writes books that aren't for kids, 'tebayo."

Kimiko glares at Naruto and trots off to find herself some breakfast.

"We have to go see the Hokage once we've had breakfast," says Jiraiya. "We need to tell him the mission was successful."

Naruto is busy trying to sneak cup ramen out of the cupboard to have for breakfast, but Kazama enters the kitchen and gives Naruto a _look_. Naruto puts the cup ramen back and gets some cereal.

Jiraiya takes his stack of notes away from small children's eyes. This is not appropriate for anyone under the age of 18.

* * *

Kimiko is baffled. Very baffled. She is not sure what's come over her, but something about Naruto makes her wants to punch things. And yell at people. And slam doors and glare at Naruto and lots of things she's never really wanted to do before.

Kimiko survived her Mummy's friends by making herself invisible, which wasn't hard considering how shy she is around people. But now…

Kimiko glares at Naruto just 'cause.

Naruto grins at her.

Kimiko grins back.

"So are we friends, 'tebayo?" asks Naruto.

Kimiko never had many friends, and certainly none her age. She blushes and looks down at her bowl of cereal. "Okay," she whispers.

"Yay!" shouts Naruto, jumping up from the table, running over to Kimiko, snatching her off the chair and dancing around the room with her.

"Oi, finish your breakfast," says Grandma Kazama, who is sitting at the table reading the newspaper. "You can play later."

"I know some kids your age," says Naruto, dragging Kimiko back to her seat. "I wonder if they'd let you play with them, 'tebayo?"

"Once you've been to see the Hokage, make sure Jiraiya comes back here," Grandma Kazama says. "We need to talk to Jiraiya about where Kimiko is going to live. He travels a lot, and that's no life for a child."

"We're gonna keep Kimiko, right?" asks Naruto. "I mean, she's practically my sister, so of course we have to keep her, 'tebayo."

"That's up to Jiraiya, not us," says Grandma Kazama.

"Oh I can convince Pervy Sage," says Naruto, grinning. "And Kimiko can sleep in my room! We could get BUNKBEDS, 'tebayo!"

"No, Naruto," says Grandma Kazama. "You two can't share a room, you would drive each other nuts in a couple of minutes."

"Then we should build another room," sasy Naruto, sadly. "But I really want bunkbeds, 'tebayo."

Kimiko would rather like bunkbeds too.


	118. The Fifth Hokage is Chosen

Hiruzen is rifling through his early morning paperwork when Naruto barges in, followed by Jiraiya and a tired-looking Tsunade. "Tsunade!" Hiruzen stands and smiles, happy to see his student after so long.

Tsunade smiles rather tiredly and says, "Good morning, sensei."

"Welcome back, all of you," smiles Hiruzen. "Especially you, Tsunade."

"Thank you," says Tsunade. "We got back last night. I've already seen and operated on Sasuke. Okami assisted me. We will do two more operations once we are both rested and have fully recovered our chakra."

Hiruzen sighs in relief. "Thank goodness Sasuke will be alright."

"We have other things to report as well," says Jiraiya.

"Yeah!" pipes up Naruto. "There was this dude in a mask, but he wasn't Rain, he was evil, 'tebayo! He got in a fight with Granny Tsunade, and then I saved the day and broke his mask. But then he ran off so I didn't see his face."

"That is troubling," says Hiruzen, sitting back down. "But where were you when this happened, Jiraiya?"

"I was fighting a half-black half-white plant monster," explains Jiraiya. "It seemed intent on stopping me from reaching Tsunade to help fight the Masked Man. It called itself Zetsu, and was far stronger than me. It used wood style with great skill. It left once a strange white person appeared out of the ground and told it the Masked Man had retreated."

"Hmm...this is unpleasant news," says Hiruzen. "What did this Masked man want from you, Tsunade?"

"He wanted me to help him with some idealistic quest to create peace or something," scoffs Tsunade. "He is bad news, whoever he is."

"Well, I shall have some people look into this plant monster," says Hiruzen. "In the meantime there are other things to deal with. Jiraiya, have you met Kimiko yet?"

"Yes, I have," says Jiraiya. "What the hell am I supposed to do with her?"

"Who's Kimiko?" asks Tsunade.

"Jiraiya's illegitimate daughter," says Hiruzen, smiling.

Tsunade laughs. "I knew this would happen eventually! How old is she?"

"Eight years old," says Hiruzen, smiling. "And as to what to do with her, she seems perfectly happy living with Naruto's grandparents. Perhaps you should leave her in their care."

"We'll build on more rooms so that you can stay with us when you're in the village," says Naruto. "And Kimiko can live at my house and be my little sister, 'tebayo."

Tsunade is still laughing merrily.

Well, Tsunade and Jiraiya seem to be in agreeable moods. He might as well ask them now. "So, Tsunade, Jiraiya," asks Hiruzen, getting their attention. "Would either of you like to be Hokage?"

"Hell, no!" says Jiraiya, reeling backwards.

"F### NO!" yells Tsunade, and marches out of the room.

Jiraiya follows closely behind, leaving Naruto alone with Hiruzen.

"Now what am I gonna do?!" moans Hiruzen, laying his head down on his desk. "I want to retire!"

"You could make me Hokage," suggests Naruto innocently.

"You're still too young," says Hiruzen. "We need an adult to be Hokage."

"Oh," says Naruto thoughtfully. "But will I still get to be Hokage?"

"Maybe you'll be the Sixth or Seventh," says Hiruzen. "What we need is someone who the village can rely on, someone with plenty of experience, someone who would give their life to protect the village, but is strong enough that they won't die and I won't have to take the hat AGAIN. I really just want to retire and spoil Konohamaru and bug Asuma about getting married."

Naruto screws his face up in thought. Then he sighs and says, "Why don't you make the guy who is practically Hokage already the Hokage, 'tebayo?"

Hiruzen sits up, astonished. "Who are you talking about?"

Naruto walks up to Hiruzen and whispers a name in his ear.

Hiruzen's eyes widen in surprise. He never even thought of that particular person. But why not? He fits all the requirements, and he's fairly well respected. Hiruzen bangs his forehead down on his desk. It was so obvious that the person Naruto suggested is the best choice! "I am an idiot, and I am ashamed of myself!" Hiruzen says flatly. "Naruto, you are right."

"SWEET!" Naruto grins. "So is there gonna be a ceremony?"

"Yes," says Hiruzen sitting up. "Now please go and get Chief Fugaku so I can discuss the security arrangements for the new Hokage's inauguration." Then Hiruzen grins, feeling like pulling a little prank. "And don't tell anyone who I've picked. I want to prank them as my Good Bye present to the village."

Naruto grins, understanding perfectly what Hiruzen is up to. "This sounds like so much fun!"

"Oh, and tell Fugaku to finish what he's doing before he comes. We'll have the inauguration on Friday, so there's no rush," adds Hiruzen.

Naruto grins excitedly and leaps out the window.

* * *

Fugaku is headed towards the hospital with a bag of things for Sasuke when Naruto skids up beside him.

"Hello, Naruto," says Fugaku, smiling down at the rambunctious almost-chunin. "What are you up to?"

"I have a message from the Hokage," says Naruto, grinning. "He's picked the Fifth Hokage and he wants you to go and see him once you're finished what you're doing so he can discuss the security arrangements for the inauguration on Friday."

"Alright," says Fugaku.

"So what are you doing?" asks Naruto.

"I'm just taking some things to Sasuke," says Fugaku. "She'll be super annoyed if she wakes up from her coma and discovers she's wearing a hospital gown, so I'm taking her some proper pyjamas."

"Nice," says Naruto. "When is she gonna wake up?"

"Oh, um, after Tsunade and Okami have done all the operations and Sasuke is completely out of danger." Fugaku carries on walking, realizing Naruto probably doesn't plan on leaving any time soon. "So who has Lord Third chosen as the new Hokage?"

"Lord Third will tell you," says Naruto. "He wants to keep it a secret from the village as a kind of prank."

Fugaku smiles. That's the sort of prank he can happily get on board with.

"Oh, there's Konohamaru!" says Naruto, and runs off.

Fugaku shakes his head and continues on to the hospital. Sasuke won't just be annoyed if she wakes up in a hospital gown, she'll be embarrassed. So embarrassed.

When Fugaku arrives at the hospital, he finds that Sasuke is in surgery again, so he leaves Sasuke's pyjamas (a brand new pair he brought especially) with the nurse in charge of looking after her. Fugaku promises to come back once he's seen what the Hokage wants and heads off to the Hokage tower. Hopefully Sasuke will be out of surgery when he is finished with the Hokage.

Fugaku senses Lord Third up on the roof and heads there. "Lord Hokage," says Fugaku, bowing.

"Ah, Chief Fugaku," says Lord Third, turning his head and smiling. "Come over here."

Fugaku walks over to stand beside the Hokage.

"I am in a bit of a dilemma, and I am hoping you can help me," he says. "You see, I know who I want to appoint as Fifth Hokage, but that person may need some convincing."

"It is a rather important job," says Fugaku, gazing out at the village. "No one should take the hat lightly."

"Yes, it is an important job," says Lord Third, smiling. "But one that I am too old for. So on Friday, I will appoint the Fifth Hokage."

"What if the person you chose does not agree?" asks Fugaku.

"I will find a way to convince him," says Lord Third, smiling. "But first we must discuss the security arrangements for the inauguration. I will, of course, need to speak to whoever you appoint as the new Chief of Police."

Fugaku's blood runs cold. "New...Chief of...Police…"

"Why yes," says Lord Third, smiling. "You can hardly be Hokage _and_ Chief of Police, can you, Fugaku? Or should I say, _Lord Fifth_."

Fugaku takes a step back, away from Lord Third. What is going on here? "What are you talking about? I can't be Hokage!"

"Yes you can," says Lord Third, still staring out across the village. "You fill all the requirements, and if it were not for you, this village might very well have been destroyed when the Sound and Sand attacked."

"But, but, why?" asks Fugaku. "Why me? What about Jiraiya, or Tsunade- they refused, didn't they? I'm your last resort."

"Yes, they refused," says Lord Third. "But you are not my last resort. Those two were my last resort. Someone suggested you, and you know what-"

"It was Naruto, wasn't it?" Fugaku sighs.

"Yes, it was Naruto," says Lord Third. "But the moment he suggested you I felt like a fool for not seeing that you are practically the Hokage already."

"I couldn't possibly be Hokage," says Fugaku. "They'll all hate me." He turns and walks away, towards the stairs leading down to the ground.

"Fugaku," says Lord Third softly, but firmly. "Take the hat."

A wind blows up, sending leaves dancing across the rooftop. Fugaku turns to see Lord Third standing facing him, a smile on his face.

"Alright," says Fugaku. "I'll take the Hat."


	119. Forest Princess

"Hey boss, what's up, kore?" says Konohamaru, grinning up at Naruto.

"Konohamaru, I have a mission for you," says Naruto, trying to act tough.

"Oh, what is it?" asks Konohamaru, excitedly.

"I want you to find your friends, Udon and Moegi, and bring them to my house! On the double, dattebayo!"

"Yes boss, kore!" Konohamaru salutes and runs off to find his friends.

Naruto grins and shunshins to Kakashi sensei's house. He wants to see the First Hokage about a Granny Tsunade.

"NARUTO!" Aki latches onto Naruto's leg as soon as he arrives outside Kakashi sensei's house.

"HI AKI!" Naruto greets Kakashi sensei's kid, patting her on the head. Naruto sees Kakashi sensei sitting in a tree with Minoru is his arms. Below him, the First and Second Hokages are sitting quietly with flowers in their hair.

"I'm making Grandpa and Uncle all pretty!" says Aki, pointing to the First and Second Hokages.

"Cool!" grins Naruto, not sure if they would take it the wrong way if he told Aki that Lord First looks like a princess. Ah, what the heck? "Lord First looks like a princess, 'tebayo."

Lord First faceplants into the dirt. "But I'm a feared shinobi!"

Lord Second laughs mercilessly. "You're a princess."

"Hey, Kakashi sensei!" calls Naruto, waving at Kakashi sensei and hobbling over to the tree he is sitting in. Aki clings to Naruto's leg and laughs as he drags her along.

"Hello Naruto, I see you are as savage as ever," says Kakashi sensei. "How was your road trip?"

"It was fun!" says Naruto, grinning up at Kakashi sensei. "Pervy Sage taught me the Rasengan, and I made a bet with Granny Tsunade - and yes, she hates me calling her that, but I don't care, 'tebayo - and I won this necklace, 'cause I won the bet, and also Granny Tsunade had to come back to the Leaf and heal Sasuke, and she's already fixing up Sasuke, and Mrs. Karin's Mum is helping her, and they said Sasuke's gonna be fine, 'tebayo and Grandpa Hokage picked the Fifth Hokage and now he's gonna retire for good, and I met a Masked Man who wasn't Rain, he was evil and I totally kicked his ass, well, actually I only managed to break his mask before he ran off so no one would see his face and stabbed me-" Naruto is forced to stop and take a breath.

"Good job," says Kakashi sensei. "It sounds like you had a very successful trip!"

"Hey, is that my necklace?" asks Lord First, staring at it.

"Yep!" grins Naruto, holding up the necklace for him to see.

Lord First hangs his head, a black cloud hanging over him. "Why did I teach Tsunade to gamble?!"

"Because you're stupid, 'tebayo?" guesses Naruto. "Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that Granny Tsunade is at the hospital if you wanna go say hi to her. I have to go play with some eight year olds."

"CAN I PLAY TOO?" asks Aki.

"Well, um…" Naruto has a feeling that Kimiko will only be able to handle a few new friends at a time. He's not sure how to tell Aki 'no' without making her cry.

"You haven't finished doing my hair yet," says Lord Second sadly. "I was looking forward to seeing what you did."

"Oh!" Aki's eyes widen and she looks over at Lord Second. Then she looks up at Naruto. "Sorry, I can't play. I have to make Uncle look like fairy prince."

"That's alright," says Naruto, relieved. "I'll play with you some other time, 'tebayo." Naruto waves goodbye and shunshins home.

* * *

Hashirama is excited to see Tsunade again. He shunshins to the hospital as soon as Naruto is gone in order to see Tsunade. When he arrives, Hashirama finds several orderlies setting up a trestle table in the hospital cafeteria. They are rushing like they expect the sky to fall down on their heads. Two chairs are set up beside the table, along with a second, and then a third table. A minute after Hashirama arrives, about six genin and two jounin run into the cafeteria with their arms and a couple of handcarts piled with stacks of takeaways.

Hashirama recognizes one of the jounin and one of the genins. "Hey, Tenten!" he grins, waving to his great-something niece.

Tenten turns to look at him. "Lord First?" then she laughs.

The other genin and the two jounin turn to look at him and start laughing too.

"What's so funny?" asks Hashirama, grumpily. (Is there something on his face? Did he put his armour on back-to-front?) (No stupid, you still have flowers in your hair.)

"Nice flower arrangement," says one of the other genin, grinning at Hashirama. "I'm Ino Yamanaka. I know about flowers."

"This is troublesome," mutters one of the other genin.

"A toddler did my hair," says Hashirama, grumpily. (He actually likes the flowers. Why does everyone keep making fun of him?)

"Aw, that's cute," says one of the other genin, a chubby boy with a bag of chips hanging out of one pocket. "It looks really nice."

"We must get the rest of the food," says one of the other genin, a Hyuuga boy with very long hair.

"Then let's get on with it," says the other genin, a boy with pink hair.

"What's going on here?" asks Hashirama, curious.

"We have to get as much food as we can gathered here before Lady Tsunade and Lady Okami get out of surgery," explains one of the jounin, a man who looks a lot like Hiruzen.

"Lord First," says the other jounin, the tacky green one with the bowl cut. "You ought to help us! The fires of YOUTH do not REST for the DEAD!"

"Um…" Hashirama is not sure about this. "Maybe I should just stay here and guard the food."

"Oh, the orderlies can do that," says Tenten. "Come on, Gramps, help us get the food."

Hashirama gives in and helps them ferry mountains of food to the hospital. Anyone would think they were trying to feed two hungry Uzumakis with chakra exhaustion. (That's exactly what they are doing, silly.) (They are gonna need more food than this.)

Finally, Hashirama flops onto the floor by the tables piled high with fast food and says, "That should be enough to keep them going until all of you catch your breath. I refuse to do any more."

"How do you know this much will keep them going until we can get more?" demands the Hyuga, who Hashirama has learned is called Neji. "I have seen my cousin eat more than this for breakfast."

"The only person I have ever seen beat an Uzumaki in an eating contest is a Hyuuga," Hashirama says. "But trust me when I say: take a break. You're gonna regret it once they start eating if you do not."

All the living shinobi collapse onto the floor in relief.

Hashirama stays down until he hears footsteps coming towards them. Hashirama looks up to see Kami and Tsunade staggering towards the pile of food. They both look exhausted and are holding each other up.

"It looks like they wised up and sent two genin teams and one of the undead Hokages to go and get us food," comments Kami.

"Undead Hokages?" asks Tsunade, plopping down in a chair and cracking open a box of BBQ take aways. "Who's been reanimating Hokages?"

Kami sits down on the other chair and attacks the food closest to her like a starving wolf.

Hashirama signals the two genin teams to back away slowly. The pile of food is depleting fast. (He underestimated these two.)

"Grandfather?!" Tsunade sees Hashirama.

"Hi," says Hashirama, grinning like an idiot. "I'm undead."

"Why do you have flowers in your hair?" asks Tsunade, laughing at him.

Kami laughs too. "I had no idea the First Hokage was such an idiot! I mean, they call him 'the god of shinobi', but look at him."

"Yeah, he's a moron," agrees Tenten. "Now we're going to get some more food for you. We should be back by the time that lot gets low."

* * *

"...and then I said, 'if there is such a thing as true peace in this world, I will find it!'" Nagato says. He is telling Jiraiya how he became leader of the Hidden Rain. "And then Hanzo said, 'well I want to retire, and you seem like a good young man to lead our people to a brighter future, how would like like to be my successor?' And I said, 'Alright, I'll be your successor, but only if we shake on it properly and stuff.' And then we shook on it and I signed something and he made an announcement to the village that I'm the new leader. And then I went and talked to the leader of the uprising and we're friends now. He wanted a bunch of stuff that sounded like a good idea to me, so we're gonna work on it together. Then Yahiko and Konan caught up to me and told me off for doing crazy stuff, but that wasn't that crazy, was it?"

"Nah, not really," says Jiraiya. "It sounds like you made an impact on your village in a good way."

"Are you seriously not even surprised by this?" demands Yahiko. "I had no idea Nagato was crazy, and next thing I know he's got half a god-complex and is taking over villages legally and with the full permission of literally EVERYONE!"

"He is a good leader, though," points out Konan, smiling.

"How can you have half a god complex?" asks Jiraiya, wondering how that would work, but not really surprised.

"Well, I am only half Uzumaki," says Nagato. "And the Uzumaki half of me cannot have a god complex since Okami-sama has one, and only one Uzumaki at a time can have a god complex. The other half of me REALLY wants one though, so I'm a little torn. I could be an Uzumaki without a complex or I could embrace my non Uzumaki half, abandon the Uzumaki and gain the god complex."

"You're funny, Uncle Nagato," says Kimiko, who has been silent up until this moment. "You're not supposed to _know_ you have a god complex. You're supposed to just have one or not have one."

"Ooo, speaking above a whisper now, I see," grins Yahiko. "That's good."

"She met Naruto," says Jiraiya.

"What's so special about that?" asks Yahiko.

Naruto himself drops down from the sky yelling, "I am the KING OF THE SKIES!"

"AAAH!" Yahiko screams like a little girl.


	120. Paperwork and Chunins

Konohamaru didn't know what to expect when he took his friends to Naruto's house, but it certainly wasn't three Rain ninjas, one of whom is screaming hysterically like a little girl. Naruto is floating just above the ground, staring at the screaming ninja in astonishment.

"Hey, Boss!" calls Konohamaru. "I have accomplished your mission!"

"What did you want us for, anyway?" asks Moegi, pushing open Naruto's front gate and heading to where Naruto is floating beside the three Rain ninjas, Jiraiya and a girl Konohamaru's age.

Konohamaru follows Moegi with Udon trailing along behind.

"Oh, hey, guys!" says Naruto. "You're right on time!, 'tebayo!"

"Naruto, what are you up to?" asks Jiraiya.

"Oh, I just invited some kids over," says Naruto cheerfully. "Do you wanna come and play with us, Kimiko?"

Konohamaru grins at the strange girl. "We're gonna play at ninjas!"

The girls grins. "Okay," she whispers. "I like ninjas." The girl jumps down from her seat on the front step and walks over to Naruto.

"Let's go then!" says Naruto, grabbing the girl under the arms and flying off a short way. "Follow me!"

"OI!" Yells Jiraiya. "Make sure you feed Kimiko!"

Konohamaru and his gang run after Naruto.

* * *

Deputy Kinoko does not have time for this. She has paperwork to file, kids to train and rounds to make. Seriously, whatever the Chief is summoning her for better be REALLY, REALLY important. Kinoko enters the Chief's office, and slams the door with her foot. "What do you want?" she demands.

"Deputy Inspector Kinoko," says Fugaku. "We need to discuss the security arrangements for the Fifth Hokage's inauguration. It's on Friday."

"Seriously?" grumbles Kinoko. She needs some coffee. And some chocolate. And about ten litres of cranberry juice and a couple of pain killers. "There's gonna be a Fifth? Who is it?"

"Oh, that's a secret," says the Chief, grinning. "Lord Third wants to prank the village, and I think this will get some nifty reactions."

"Really?" says Deputy Kinoko. "So what do you want me to do?"

"I want you to be the new Chief of Police and head of village security," says the Chief, seriously.

"Eh? What are you going to do?"

"Oh, I'm the Fifth Hokage."

"You. Are. Joking."

"No, I'm not," says the Chief, holding out his badge. "This is yours, starting Friday. That is, if you accept."

"You want me to be the one who reigns in the crazy around here?" says Kinoko, skeptically. "I must be crazy, but HELL YES! GIVE ME ALL YOUR PAPERWORK!"

"You are welcome to it," says the Chief. "I'm getting a new set on Friday anyway."

* * *

"BWAHAHAHA!" Naruto laughs evilly. "There is no way you can defeat me and rescue the princess, 'tbayo!" he says, standing between Kimiko and the Konohamaru trio.

"We will defeat you, fiend, kore!" yells Konohamaru. "Fear not, beautiful princess, we will save you from the evil Naruto!"

Kimiko, who is tied to a tree and gagged, does not respond beyond letting out a muffled squeal.

"Die, fiend!" yells Moegi, charging at Naruto. The other two members of the Konohamaru trio jump on Naruto, trying to knock him down.

"JUSTICE WILL PREVAIL!" roars Udon, pummeling Naruto's chest with his fists.

Kakashi sensei appears in the tree above Kimiko and says, "Naruto, the Hokage wants you in his office."

"You have won this time, Konohamaru Trio," says Naruto, shaking them off and jumping up beside Kakashi sensei. "But I will be back, dattebayo!" Naruto shunshins away, followed closely by Kakashi sensei.

When they arrive at the Hokage's office and enter through the window, Naruto sees Shikamaru, Asuma sensei, Shino, Kurenai sensei and Kabuto already there. The Hokage smiles at Naruto. "Good, you are here. Now stand beside Shino and we can begin."

Naruto grins at Shino and stands beside him.

"Good, now that the four of you are assembled," says Grandpa Third. "We can begin. Out of all the contestants who made it to the final round the four of you qualify for the rank of Chunin. You, Shikamaru, showed excellent analytical thinking and good tactic. You, Kabuto, showed a level head and skills already at jounin level. You, Shino, showed the ability to fight well despite personal feelings and the wisdom to withdraw when necessary, along with great skill in your chosen form of combat. You, Naruto, have an insane amount of strength, a strange way of making friends with your enemies, and I really don't want to subject the chunin exams to you again, so you're getting promoted now. Any questions?"

"Can my chunin vest be orange?" asks Naruto.

"I will have to confer with the council," says Grandpa Hokage, looking like his face is about to pop. "That is...unorthodox."

"What does confer mean?" asks Naruto. He loves learning new words!

"It means we have to have a long, boring meeting."

"Oh." says Naruto, thoughtfully. "How can a meeting about the colour orange be boring, though?"

"I am sure it won't be," says Grandpa Hokage. "Meetings involving you are never dull, Naruto."

"You make it sound like that's a bad thing," says Kakashi sensei, cheerfully.

"Sometimes it is," says Grandpa Hokage. "But come Friday, it won't be my problem anymore. I might as well tell you all while you are here: I have selected the Fifth Hokage. The inauguration ceremony will be on Friday, and I expect you all to attend. The official announcement will be made this afternoon. You are all dismissed."

* * *

"I'M A CHUNIN!" Naruto yells, running full-tilt through the front gate and straight into Jiraiya. "OUCH!" Naruto falls over backwards with a plop.

"Watch where you're going, brat!" yells Jiraiya.

"Watch where you're standing, Pervy Sage!" yells Naruto.

"Stop it, you two!" says Kazama, banging their heads together. She is not amused. At all. "Naruto, where is Kimiko?"

"She's playing with Konohamaru and his friends, 'tebayo," Naruto explains. "I'll find them after I've told Iruka-nii I'm a chunin now! Bye, 'tebayo!" Naruto flies off, his promotion paper and chunin vest in hand.

Kazama sighs. "What are we going to do with that boy?" she asks no one in particular, shaking her head.

"He made chunin on his first try," Jiraiya says, gobsmacked.

Kazama glares at Jiraiya. She wants to glare at someone, and Jiraiya happens to be nearby. "I blame you, filling his head with bravado!"

"Hey, I trained him, I didn't fill his head with bravado!" says Jiraiya, crossing his arms indignantly. "But at least there is something in his head, after all…"

"Did. You. Just. Mock. My. Grand. Son." Kazama knows she looks like a monster, but she does not care.

Jiraiya screams in terror.

* * *

"So what shall we play now?" asks Konohamaru, after Naruto has left. Udon and Moegi finish untying Kimiko and shrug.

"How about going back to class?" asks Uncle Iruka.

Kimiko wonders if the other three noticed him arrive shortly after Kakashi.

"Nah," says Konohamaru, not realizing who it is. "Let's play at being ninjas some more!"

"Or you could get your butts back to class," says Uncle Iruka, glaring at the back of Konohamaru's head.

Kimiko grins. "Is it a ninja class?" she whispers.

"Yes it is," says Uncle Iruka, conversationally.

Udon and Moegi are clinging to each other, their faces drained of colour. Konohamaru realizes who is standing behind him and turns around slowly, an expression of panic taking over his face.

"Can I come too?" whispers Kimiko.

"Of course you can," says Uncle Iruka. "I can't be bothered taking you home anyway. Let's go." He gestures to all four kids and turns to walk away.

Kimiko runs up beside him but the other three don't move.

Uncle Iruka says cheerfully, "You three are coming, aren't you?"

"Yes!" the Konohamaru Trio yells, sounding really scared. But why, Kimiko wonders, would they be scared of Uncle Iruka? He's so nice!


	121. To be a Ninja or Not

"Sit here, Kimiko," says Uncle Iruka, gesturing to an empty space at the end of one of the front rows. Kimiko sits down, excited and scared to be in the ninja academy. "Now that we are all here," continues Uncle Iruka, glaring at the Konohamaru Trio, who shake in their seats. "We can continue our lesson."

Kimiko wonders what sorts of things ninja kids learn at school. She listens entranced as Uncle Iruka explains the Clone Jutsu. It is so exciting! Kimiko wants to try it, but for some reason her mummy was dead set against Kimiko learning the ninja arts. Kimiko wonders if her Daddy will let her learn. He's crazy, but then again, Kimiko's Mother wasn't exactly considered normal by most people.

Does everyone have crazy parents, or is it just Kimiko?

Kimiko will learn ninjutsu, even if she has to go behind everyone's back. Maybe Uncle Iruka will help her.

"And that is how you perform the Clone Jutsu," Uncle Iruka finishes his explanation. "Now would anyone like to be the first to try it?"

Kimiko glances around the room, trying not to be obvious about it. Who is going to volunteer? Kimiko is surprised when no one says anything. All the ninja kids just look at each other and elbow each other, and whisper to each other.

"Anyone?" asks Uncle Iruka. "Anyone at all?"

"Why can't the New Girl do it?" asks one kid.

New girl? Wonders Kimiko. Is one of these kids new to the class?

"New girl?" asks Uncle Iruka, sounding a little confused. Then he smiles. "Oh, you mean Kimiko. She's not part of the class, I'm just looking after her for a while." Then he smiles at Kimiko. "What do you say? Wanna give the Clone Jutsu a go?"

"Um…" Kimiko whispers nervously. "Mummy didn't want me to…" she trails off and turns red, embarrassed by all the kids staring at her.

Uncle Iruka smiles. "It's alright, Kimiko. I know. But I'm asking if _you_ want to learn. _Do_ you want to learn ninjutsu?"

Kimiko blushes and looks down at the desk in front of her, aware that everyone is staring at her. But she does want to learn ninjutsu! She really, really wants to learn ninjutsu! "YES!" Kimiko forces the words out, afraid of upsetting her dead mother, but unable to hold it in any longer. "I WANT TO LEARN NINJUTSU!"

"Come on then," says Uncle Iruka, smiling. "Come down here where there's room and try the clone Jutsu."

Kimiko scrambles out of her seat and runs to Uncle Iruka before she has time to stop and think about what she is doing. Then, following Uncle Iruka's instructions, Kimiko makes the handsigns for the Clone Jutsu. "Clone Jutsu!" she whispers nervously, screwing her eyes shut so she can't see all the ninja kids staring at her.

 _Poof!_

Kimiko opens one eye, then the other to see if she made a clone. Standing beside her is an exact copy of herself. Kimiko grins. The clone Kimiko grins back.

 _I did it!_ Kimiko thinks happily. _I did it!_

"Woah, she did it on her first try!" one of the ninja kids yells. "No way!"

Kimiko looks out at the rest of the classroom and feels overwhelmed. She hides behind Uncle Iruka. The clone vanishes with a _poof_.

"That was very good Kimiko," says Uncle Iruka, patting Kimiko on the head. "Now does anyone else want to try?"

Kimiko is forgotten as the other kids scramble to try the clone jutsu, right there in their seats.

"IRUKA-NII!" Naruto's voice cuts through the racket as Naruto himself bursts through the open window. "GUESS WHAT!? I'M A CHUNIN!"

Uncle Iruka turns to Naruto and grins. "Awesome!" he says. "Now, could you go and tell Jiraiya that Kimiko is here at the Academy with me?"

Naruto sees Kimiko. Then he sees the Konohamaru Trio. "Oh, you guys were supposed to be at school," he says, laughing and scratching the back of his head. "Oops."

"Naruto, did you encourage them to skip class?" demands Uncle Iruka, suddenly very angry and scary. Kimiko isn't scared though.

"Hahaha… BYE!" Naruto shunshins away.

"NARUTO!"

* * *

"The new Hokage's inauguration is on Friday, in four days time," says Nagato. He is speaking to the man he left in charge of overseeing the village via the rings the members of Akatsuki use to communicate. "We will return once the ceremony is over. The Third Hokage requested that we remain to bear witness. He has also sent messages to all the Leaf's other allies asking that they send a representative to the inauguration ceremony."

"You have already been away too long," says the man, who was the leader of the uprising. "It is getting hard to cover your absence."

"If you need me," says Nagato evenly. "I can be there in a matter of minutes. Do not worry, just contact me if you need me."

"Yes, Lord Nagato," says the man, and ends the connection.

Nagato looks out over the village from his perch on the Fourth Hokage's head. The Leaf is so peaceful and sunny. Soon there will be a new Hokage, but who?

Nagato look up at the sky. He misses the Rain. Rain is cleansing. Rain washes away the dirt and grime of the past. Nagato casts his jutsu and the sky clouds over.

Rain begins to fall on the Hidden Leaf.

* * *

A messenger hawk arrives from the Hidden Leaf. Rasa reads the short missive and sighs. Whoever Lord Third selects, that person will no doubt hate the Uchiha clan. Everyone knows the Leaf hate the Uchiha because of Madara. Rasa will go to that ceremony and he will see the look of horror on that stupid Fukagu's face when he sees someone who hates him named the Fifth Hokage.

Rasa has no idea who the Fifth will be, just that there is no way it will be an Uchiha. Even people outside the Leaf know that no Uchiha will ever be named Hokage. They would call an outsider Hokage before they call an Uchiha Hokage. After all, what was the Fourth but an outsider who made the Leaf his home?

Rasa grins.

Then he remembers something important.

Gaara.

Rasa sighs and rests his chin on one hand. What to do about Gaara? Gaara hasn't been acting like his usual self since the Chunin Exams. He's more calm and less...violent and killy. In fact, Gaara hasn't hurt, let alone threatened anyone since they got back. Rasa is honestly more scared of the new Gaara than the old one. Rasa couldn't possibly leave Gaara behind in the Sand, not with the risk the whole thing is just a temporary side effect. But then again, if Rasa takes Gaara to the Leaf, he will open himself up to all their scorn. And damn, can Leaf citizens be scornful!

Potential danger to the Sand Village VS walking into a nest of scorn and ridicule.

Or Rasa could just send Baki.

But Rasa really, really wants to see Fugaku's face when the new Hokage is announced. Apparently it is a surprise for everyone except the Third Hokage and the new Hokage themself.

What if Rasa took Gaara, Kankuro and Temari with him? Maybe the Leaf will take it as a sign he's mending his ways. Not that Rasa's ways need mending. Not. At. All. Nope. No ways-mending needed here.

Okay, it is decided. Rasa is taking Gaara, Kankuro and Temari with him to the Fifth Hokage's inauguration. And he is gonna enjoy Fugaku's suffering.

Rasa rubs at his crooked nose absentmindedly. It hasn't been _quite_ straight since Fugaku broke it.

* * *

"Hey Bro, what's that?" asks Killer B, leaning over the Raikage's shoulder.

A sighs. "It's a message from the Hidden Leaf," he tells B. "They want me to send a representative from the Cloud to attend the inauguration of the Fifth Hokage."

"Ooh, can I go? It'll be quite a show, fool, ya fool," raps B grinning excitedly.

A is about to refuse point blank when he remembers that B gave him no trouble during the Chunin Exams. No one even knew she was there, that's how quiet she was. Maybe B finally learned her lesson and won't try to throw impromptu rap concerts in strange villages. "Fine," agrees A. "But I'm going too!"

"YES!" B grins in a way that makes A want to lock her away In Case of Rap Concert.

"If you so much as rap ONE VERSE on the way to the Leaf, I will send you home!" growls A sternly. "And DO NOT even THINK about starting a rap concert while we are there!"

"Yes, Bro!" B salutes, still grinning. "I want more of their awesome RAMEN!"

Ramen? Is RAMEN B's reason for wanting to go back to the Hidden Leaf?

Ah well, it could be worse.

However, just to be on the safe side, A will arrive the night before the inauguration to give B less time for shenanigans.


	122. Sweet Man Candy

The Hidden Leaf is abuzz with excitement. Who is the new Hokage going to be? The new Hokage has been the topic of most conversations for days, and now the inauguration day has finally arrived. A sea of people gathers beneath the Hokage tower, waiting for the ceremony to begin.

Nagato managed to get separated from Yahiko and Konan and is now looking for them. Unfortunately, because of the size of the crowd, Nagato cannot find Yahiko and Konan anywhere. Nagato tries searching for their chakra, but the amount of moving chakra signatures around him gives Nagato a headache. Nagato sighs and decides to just watch the ceremony by himself.

"Wassup, fool, ya fool?" asks a woman's voice, as someone slaps Nagato on the back. "Why the glum sighing?"

Nagato turns around to see a kunoichi in a Hidden Cloud jounin uniform and an expensive white scarf. The kunoichi, who has white hair braided in rows along her scalp, is grinning mischievously when Nagato turns. However, when Nagato turns fully, the kunoichi's face goes blank for an instant before she blushes and her eyes turn to hearts.

 _How is that even possible?_ Nagato wonders.

"I have seen the face of Kami!" the kunoichi says, clasping her hands together.

 _What is going on here?_ Nagato wonders. "Um...Hi?" Nagato isn't sure how to handle the situation. Maybe he should act like a strange Kunoichi isn't making eyes at him. "I am Nagato Uzumaki. Who are you?"

"His name is Nagato…!" the kunoichi says, a dreamy expression on her face.

"Ah, Miss?" Nagato is starting to get really weirded out.

"Oh!" the kunoichi stops letting off pink hearts and grins at Nagato, striking a pose that looks like something a bad rapper would do. "I am Killer B!"

Killer B? As in the Eight Tails Jinchuuriki?

"B!" yells a man, rocketing through the audience towards Killer B.

"Oh, Bro! There you are!" says B, sounding as if she is desperately trying not to rap the words. "I found me a _sweet_ hunk of eye candy!"

"EYE CANDY!" Nagato yells, horrified.

The man grabs B in a headlock and gives her a solid noogie. "I told you to stay close! If you get lost again, we are leaving!"

"I'm not eye-candy, am I?" whines Nagato, crouching down and drawing circles in the dirt with one finger.

"Who's this Rain ninja you've managed to depress?" asks the man curiously.

"He's my new boyfriend," says Killer B, crossing her arms and nodding.

"Your boyfriend!" Nagato yells. "I didn't agree to this!"

"Calm down!" snaps the man. "B, you can't just decide that. Besides, he's from the Hidden Rain, their leader might not let him date you anyway."

"We will have to elope!" declares B.

"But the leader…" begins Nagato.

"Screw the leader!"

"I AM THE LEADER!"

" _You_ are the leader of the Hidden Rain?" The man stares at Nagato in surprise.

"I am Nagato Uzumaki, leader of the Village Hidden in the Rain," says Nagato, mustering his shattered dignity and calling it to action. "Who are you?"

"I am the Fourth Raikage, A," says the man.

Nagato isn't sure what to do, so he pulls out some of his bottomless supply of snacks. This time he managed to grab a wrapped stick of dango. "Nice. Do you want some dango?"

"How long has that been in your pocket?" demands the Raikage, horrified.

"Oh, it wasn't actually in my pocket, it was in a storage seal on the cuff of my pocket."

"Can I keep him?" asks B, grinning. The hearts are back in her eyes.

"NO!" snaps the Raikage, and drags B away.

* * *

Gaara is feeling happy. Not grinning-or-laughing kind of happy, more like: my-dad-took-me-on-an-outing happy. Temari and Kankuro are there too, which Gaara is happy about. Gaara happily combs the audience for Naruto with his eyes. He knows better than to freak his father out by wandering off. Gaara's father is already freaked out by Gaara's determination to be nice.

"Gaara!" Naruto swoops down from the skies and tackles Gaara to the ground in a crushing hug.

"Hello Naruto," says Gaara, wondering why Naruto is being so huggy.

"Gaara, guess what?" says Naruto, all excited and grinning. "Sasuke's gonna be fine! I went on a road trip and found Granny Tsunade and she fixed up Sasuke with some help from Mrs. Karin's Mum! Sasuke's in a coma at the moment, but she'll come out of it really soon!"

Gaara feels even happier. One less victim! "That is good," says Gaara.

"You!" says Gaara's father, glaring at Naruto. "What are you doing here?"

"Oh hey, Scumkage," says Naruto flippantly. "How's your face?"

Gaara, Kankuro and Temari all freeze in horror.

Gaara's father stares at Naruto, who grins back. Gaara isn't sure, but Naruto looks smug about something. Gaara's father sneers and looks away.

Naruto grins even wider. Gaara wonders how Naruto's face doesn't split in half. "Look!" says Naruto, pointing up to the roof of the Hokage tower. "It's starting!"

Gaara looks up and sees the Hokage walking up to the edge of the roof, where everyone can see him.

"Welcome, everyone," says Lord Hokage. "Today I hand my stack of paperwork - I mean hat, why would I say paperwork? Today I hand on the title of Hokage." Lord Hokage tries to salvage his speech, but the audience members around Gaara are exchanging raised eyebrows. "Anyway, on with the proceedings!" continues Lord Hokage, taking off the Hokage hat. "Please welcome a man you all know. Here is your Fifth Hokage: Fugaku Uchiha."

Gaara sees the colour drain from his father's face as Konoha's Chief of Police steps forward in a new Hokage cloak and takes the hat from Lord Third. Gaara looks back and forth between his father and the new Hokage, not sure which one is more interesting.

Naruto is giggling, a huge grin on his face. His eyes are glued to Gaara's father.

Gaara wonders why his father looks dead inside.

Fugaku Uchiha puts on the Hokage hat and says seriously, "I have a mustache, and it lends me power."

Gaara's mouth twists into a smile. Then a torrent of laughter bursts out of him, laughter like he has never laughed. Temari and Kankuro join him, and the three siblings are soon leaning on each other and laughing, tears streaming from their eyes.

Gaara's father groans like someone stabbed him and sinks to his knees in despair. Naruto laughs and dances a victory dance around Gaara's father, cackling all the way.

A few other pockets of people around the crowd are laughing too.

But then someone yells in an angry voice, "Is that all you have to say!?"

The Fifth Hokage's eyes lock onto the person who spoke and he points right at that person. "I am hilarious!" says the Fifth Hokage. "And you will quote everything I say!"

Laughter spreads through the crowd, followed closely by some scattered cheer and applause. The cheering and applause gains momentum and soon the crowd is deafening.

Gaara wonders why his father is shaking and rocking back and forth on his heels. Naruto is still laughing at Gaara's father.

Then Gaara's father stands up and says, "We're leaving."

"You can't leave until you've formally met the new Hokage," says Gaara, crossing his arms. He knows these things. He's been reading up on what a Kage should do. Gaara has decided he will be Kazekage.

"Argh," Gaara's father marches off to greet the new Hokage. Naruto follows, grinning like he won a life's supply of free ramen. Gaara and his siblings follow along behind.

Lord Fifth Hokage is waiting for the visiting village leaders and representatives at the base of the Hokage tower. The Hidden Cloud's representatives are already there, along with a red haired man.

"I hope you can live up to your predecessors," says the man from the Cloud. That man is huge, Gaara thinks. "And I mean in regards to keeping on top of your paperwork."

"Oh, paper work and I go way back," says Lord Fifth Hokage, shaking the Cloud man's hand. "But thank you for the advice, Lord Raikage."

"You're gonna make a great Hokage, Lord Fugaku," says the red haired man, grinning. "Nice speech, by the way."

"Thank you," says the Hokage. "I improvised."

"Hey, Mr. Nice Police Chief!" says Naruto, grinning up at the new Hokage. Then Naruto frowns. "I guess you aren't the police chief anymore, so I can't call you that." Naruto screws his face up and crosses his arms. Then he relaxes and grins. "I know! I will call you Mr. Nice Hokage from now on!"

Gaara pushes his father forward. "You need to observe etiquette, Father."

Gaara's father glares at him.

"Alright then, Naruto," the new Hokage is saying. "I'll have to get used to being called that." Then he sees Gaara's father. "Ah, Kazekage," he says coldly. "So how is your face?"

"I hate you and the only reason I am speaking to you is because-" Gaara's father starts to say.

Naruto interrupts. "Because Gaara is all into etiquette now."

"And how are you, Gaara?" asks the new Hokage. "Better?"

"I have decided that to become Kazekage is my goal," says Gaara. "And I am sorry for what I have done."

The new Hokage smiles. "Ah, that reminds me. I have to go," he says. "I might rejoin the celebrations later." The Hokage shunshins away with a flourish.

"Huh," says the Cloud lady. "Where'd he run off to?"

"Oh, he's probably gone to see if Sasuke's woken up yet," says Naruto. "She's his kid. I'm Naruto Uzumaki, 'tebayo. Who are you?"

"I'm Killer B, fool, ya fool," says the Cloud lady.

Naruto frowns and says, "Can I talk to you about something? Someone told me you might have an answer."

"Sure," says Killer B. "What's it about?"

Naruto grabs Killer B's hand and drags her away saying, "It's private."


	123. One Hundred Percent Done

Naruto has only just finished talking to Killer B when his Grandma grabs him by the shoulders and says, "You aren't getting out of it this time."

"But-!" Naruto tries to protest, but his Grandma drags him away.

"Stop whining," says Naruto's Grandma firmly. "I said I would take you out to lunch to celebrate your promotion to chunin, and that is what I am going to do."

"But I don't wanna eat old people food, 'tebayo!" Last time Naruto went out to eat with his Grandma, he ended up eating weird old people food.

"We are not getting old people food," says Grandma firmly.

Naruto is so busy trying to get away that he doesn't see what restaurant they stop in front of.

"Ah, my old friend," says Naruto's grandma, like she is about to wage war. "We meet again at last. And I have lost time to make up for."

Naruto turns to see who or what Grandma is talking to.

 _Ichiraku Ramen_?

"But I thought you didn't like ramen," says Naruto, dumbstruck.

"It's not that I don't like it," says Grandma, seriously. "It's that I've been refraining from eating it in your presence so I do not set a bad example. But you know what? Screw it. It ain't working."

Naruto stares at his Grandma, thoroughly confused.

Naruto allows his Grandmother to lead him into Ichiraku Ramen. Old Man Teuchi smiles and says, "I wondered when you two would come in together."

"I gave up," says Naruto's Grandma. "I gave up because he's just like me. But smaller. Triple my usual order." Naruto's Grandma sits down, a look of pure determination on her face.

Naruto sits down, staring at his Grandma. What is going on here?

"The usual for you, Naruto?" asks Old Man Teuchi, smiling.

Still staring at his Grandma, Naruto says, "Yeah…"

Once Naruto's ramen arrives, he stops staring at his Grandmother, who is politely eating a large bowl of pork ramen. After devouring about ten bowls of ramen, using all the table manners his Grandma drilled into him, Naruto glances over to see how far through her bowl his Grandma is.

She is politely devouring her 29th bowl. The empty bowls are stacked neatly beside her and another is waiting. Grandma sees Naruto staring. She grins and pokes his nose. "I can eat three times as much ramen as you kid."

Naruto just stares at his grandma while she eats a 30th bowl, wipes her mouth and pays for all the ramen.

* * *

White.

White everywhere.

The light is blinding. Sasuke feels a strange, floating sensation.

Realizing her eyes are closed, Sasuke opens them, blinking and squinting against the blinding white. It is the ceiling. Sasuke turns her head to the side and sees her father sitting in a chair by her bed.

"Dad?" says Sasuke. Her voice feels raw and scratchy. "Why are you wearing sunglasses inside?"

Sasuke's dad looks up. He was staring at something that is sitting in his lap. Sasuke cannot see what it is, though.

"Sasuke…!" To Sasuke's surprise, her Dad starts crying and places his hand on her head.

"Dad?"

"You're still grounded," her Dad says, wiping tears away from his eyes, and knocking his glasses asque. "But you slept away a good few weeks."

Sasuke smiles a tiny, tiny smile. Her Dad is trying to hide how worried he is by telling her she's still grounded. "What happened?" Sasuke asks.

"You nearly died," her Dad tells her. "You've been in a coma for nearly three weeks. Naruto went and found the best medic alive to heal you. Karin and her mother pulled you back from the brink of death and kept you alive until Naruto brought back Tsunade. Tsunade and Okami did their best to fix the damage Gaara did to you, but…" Sasuke's Dad trails off.

"But what?" Sasuke still feels curiously light and numb.

"Even after everything, you still have a long recovery ahead," says Sasuke's Dad. "It will be boring and frustrating, but look on the bright side: they didn't have to amputate your left arm after all."

Sasuke raises her head and looks down at her body. Her left arm is heavily bandaged and in a sling. She can't see much else of her body, since it is covered with a hospital blanket. Thankfully though, Sasuke is not wearing a hospital gown. "I don't remember owning any pyjamas like this," Sasuke says, frowning.

"Oh...um…" Sasuke's Dad blushes ever so slightly. "I bought them for you. It would've been weird for me to go through your drawers and I knew you'd hate waking up in a hospital gown…"

"Oh." Sasuke's isn't sure what to say about that. She didn't think her Dad knew her that well. He even managed to get her cool, if a bit childish, pyjamas. They are blue and have kittens on them. Sasuke thinks they're cute. Sasuke tries to speak again, but the dryness in her throat catches up to her and she starts coughing. A moment later, Sasuke's dad holds a paper cup full of water to her lips. Sasuke gulps down a couple of mouthfuls and asks, "What's that in you lap?" She caught a glimpse of something white sitting on her father's lap.

"Oh this?" Sasuke's Dad puts down the cup of water and picks up the thing that was sitting on his lap. "This is my new hat. I just got inaugurated as Fifth Hokage."

Sasuke yelps in the actual ### happened while she was unconscious?

* * *

Rasa stares around at the gathered Suna council. He waits for them to get settled in their chairs before saying, "I am glad you all made it. The identity of the Fifth Hokage is surprising."

Behind Rasa, Gaara giggles. Rasa nearly jumps out of his skin. He is still not used to Gaara acting like a kid.

"What's so funny?" asks Baki, who stayed behind to keep an eye on things.

"Fugaku Uchiha is the Fifth Hokage," says Gaara, with absolutely no guile in his voice, only sweet innocence. Little bastard.

"Isn't that the guy who beat you up in the invasion?" asks Baki, frowning.

" _YES_ ," hisses Rasa, resisting the urge to stab the table multiple times.

"Why would they elect him Hokage?" wonders one of the councilmen. "Is it a way of saying how much stronger than us they are?"

"Or maybe they are trying to tell us they aren't taking any crap from us," suggests a different councilman.

"Or maybe he was simply the best choice and the Third Hokage didn't take the Hidden Sand into consideration at all when he chose his head of security to replace him," says Gaara, crossing his arms.

"You're not even on this council, Gaara, what are you doing here?" asks yet another councilman.

"It is bring your kid to work day," says Gaara seriously.

SERIOUSLY?!

The councilmen are nodding reasonably, like that is normal.

Rasa needs some air. And some space. He feels like he is suffocating.

"So the new Hokage is the guy who rearranged Lord Kazekage's face for him?" asks a councilman who hasn't said anything up to this point.

"OKAY, THAT IS IT!" Rasa stands up, knocking his chair to the floor. He takes off the Kazekage hat and throws it onto the council table. "I QUIT! I ####ING QUIT! I'M LEAVING FOR A WEEK AND IF YOU DON'T HAVE A NEW KAZEKAGE BY TIME I GET BACK, I'LL TAKE THE HAT AGAIN, BUT UNTIL THEN: I QUIT!" Rasa storms out of the room. Then out of the village.

Stupid Fugaku and his stupid village! Stupid Orochimaru and his stupid invasion! Stupid bloody shinobi world!

* * *

Fugaku attends his first council meeting as Hokage. Damn it feels weird. He looks around at his fellow clan heads and the elders. "So, does anyone know what this meeting was supposed to be about?" Fugaku asks. "Lord Third didn't tell me."

"It is about Naruto's request to dye his chunin vest orange," says Koharu. She is obviously displeased with the entire situation.

"Ah, that sounds like fun." says Fugaku, grinning.

"And that right there is why Lord Third scheduled the meeting for _after_ you became Hokage," says Hiashi, grinning. "He was stressed out by the whole idea."

"Why would he be stressed out?" asks Tsume. "I thought this day would come. Naruto wanting an orange chunin vest was always going to be a thing." She grins, making Fugaku's skin crawl in fear. "I say we let him have his orange vest."

"This is troublesome," says Shikaku. "But who's to say if we let Naruto dye his vest, a bunch of other chunin and jonin will ask to dye theirs too?"

"We already know that half the shinobi in Konoha hate their chunin and jounin vests," says Inoichi thoughtfully. "Maybe more will actually wear them if they can dye them to match their outfits."

"I think that-" Shibi starts to say, but is interrupted.

"This whole thing is stupid," says Koharu. "Just deny his request and be done with it."

"Excuse me," says Fugaku, feeling vengeful. Finally he is the one in charge of the meeting and can tell people off for being assholes. "Do not interrupt other council members!" Fugaku turns to Shibi. "What were you going to say, Shibi?"

Shibi looks a bit surprised but says, "I think that we should let Naruto dye his vest, and if anyone questions it, we should remind them he is an Uzumaki. I am sure you all remember that the Hidden Whirlpool shinobi uniform included orange chunin and jounin vests?" Shibi sits back, apparently finished, and obviously stunned at being able to finish.

"A very good point," nods Choza. "After all, the Whirlpool symbol is not recognized as such anymore. But the colour orange is like the village colour. We should let Naruto wear it as a sign of his clan."

The other councillors are nodding and smiling, except for the elders who are scowling angrily. But they can see they are outnumbered.

"So now that we have some bulls### to tell the populace," says Fugaku cheerfully. "All in favour of letting Naruto dye his chunin vest orange raise your hands."

All the clan heads raise their hands. Koharu and Homura do not.

"Then by an overwhelming majority, the council has decided that Naruto may dye his chunin vest orange." Fugaku smiles winningly. He is just so damn happy that Sasuke is awake he can't help smiling all the time.


	124. C Rank Filler Mission

The grass is crushed underneath the boy's feet every time he takes a step. He needs to rest. He has been running for days. They are going to catch him soon. He was warned they might come for him one day. He was nowhere near ready for them though.

The boy slumps down against a tree. His stomach growls. He cannot remember when he last had any food. If only someone would come and help him.

The boy hears a noise close by and takes off running. He cannot let them find him.

* * *

Hiashi and Hizashi Hyuuga are on a mission. It is a low C Rank, which means it will probably end up a high B rank to Low A Rank. They took the mission for the lols and the brother-bonding-time. No matter what rank it turns out, the mission will be a breeze. Hiashi and Hizashi are in it for the bonding time. They don't get to spend much time together nowadays.

"So what was the mission again?" Hizashi asks, adjusting his backpack.

"I dunno, something about a missing orphan," shrugs Hiashi. "The mission brief is in my bag."

"We should probably read it."

"Yes, we should." Hiashi stops, takes off his backpack and fishes around inside it for the scroll. "Ah, here it is." Hiashi holds up the scroll. Straightening up, Hiashi opens the scroll and reads it out to his brother. An orphanage in the Land of Rice Paddies is requesting aid finding a boy who disappeared after he was attacked by what the orphanage manager assumes are bandits.

"They are probably rogue shinobi or bloodline hunters," comments Hizashi upon hearing that part.

"Oh most definitely," says Hiashi. "Unless they are child traffickers, but that is unlikely considering they didn't seem to bother keeping their presence a secret." Hiashi rolls up the mission scroll, stuffs it back into his backpack and hoist the backpack onto his shoulders. "Let's get a move on. No matter who's got this kid, he needs help."

Hiashi and Hizashi set off again at a run. A shinobi run.

Hiashi sees a boy running, or rather stumbling, down the road towards them. Hiashi activates his byakugan to see who is chasing the boy. Closing in at lightning fast speed are five men with byakugan eyes activated and locked on the boy.

"Hizashi, defend that kid!" says Hiashi, running forward.

Two of the strange men pull ahead of the others and leap for the boy, attempting to knock him to the ground. Hiashi and Hizashi hit them hard with the jyuken, killing them instantly. Yes, byakugan can be used for instant kills. Take that, Uchiha clan!

The boy turns away from Hiashi and Hizashi. He staggers towards the roadside, still trying to get away, it seems. Unfortunately, the boy collapses after a few steps.

The three remaining enemies halt their advance and stare at Hiashi and Hizashi. Then one says to another, "Go and tell the nearest search party that the Rebel faction is after Toneri as well."

The man does as he is ordered and shunshins away.

"Rebel faction?" asks Hizashi. "What Rebel faction?"

"Don't play dumb," says the enemy who spoke before. "We know you are with the Rebel faction that idolizes the traitor princess. Don't try to deny it, you even look like her. For all we know, she _procreated_ while down here on the earth."

"We are not part of any Rebel group," Hiashi tries to explain. "I am the head of the Hyuuga clan."

"That is not possible," says the enemy who has not yet spoken, slipping into an attack stance. "No human could possibly possess such power."

"He's never met an Uchiha obviously," says Hizashi, rolling his eyes. "And what does he mean by 'human'?"

"Capture one of them alive, if possible," says Hiashi, slipping into an attack stance of his own.

"Right," nods Hizashi, activating his byakugan and slipping into the gentle fist stance.

Hiashi runs at the enemy on the right while Hizashi heads for the one on the left. Hiashi aims a gentle fist strike at the main chakra point in his enemy's arm. The enemy blocks the attack with his hand. Hiashi's attack shatters the bones in the man's hand. Hizashi, on the other hand, attempts a palm strike to his opponent's abdomen. Hizashi's opponent dodges out of the way and lunges for Hizashi's throat. Hizashi drops and rolls backwards, out of reach of the strike.

Hizashi's opponent runs towards the boy, who is still lying on the side of the road. Hizashi intercepts him with a kunai in the face. Hizashi's opponent falls to the ground, screaming.

While his brother is busy stabbing a guy in the face, Hiashi stares down his own opponent. "Who are you people, and what do you want with this boy?" Hisashi demands, shifting into the position for the Eight Trigrams Sixty Four Palms.

"Stop trying to play innocent to get me to talk, rebel," sneers Hiashi's enemy, glaring at Hiashi and holding his shattered hand.

"Don't let my father hear you call me a rebel," jokes Hiashi. "He already thinks I'm too unconventional, what with that unicorn my kid keeps in the backyard."

"...what?"

"I don't know what planet you come from, but it sounds to me like there's some sort of civil war going on there," says Hiashi. His jutsu is locked on.

"The MOON, stupid!" says Hiashi's enemy, glaring at Hiashi like Hiashi is some kind of rare disease without a cure.

"Hahahahahahaha!" Hiashi drops his pose for long enough to point and laugh at his opponent, before taking up the Eight Trigrams pose again. "Die, moon alien." Hiashi attacks ruthlessly. "Eight Trigrams." The funny thing is, Hiashi reflects as he beats the chakra points out of the Moon Alien, is that the Eight Trigrams Sixty Four Palms technique actually has a lot more than 64 strikes in it. It's actually 100 and something. "One palm, two palms, four palms…" Hiashi can't be bothered figuring it out right now, but there are a lot of strikes. "Eight Trigrams, Sixty Four Palms!" Hiashi delivers the final blow.

The moon alien flies across the road and crashes into a tree.

Hizashi is staring at his own moon alien enemy, who has gone limp. "I think he's dead," says Hizashi, as if that is a surprising and somewhat inconvenient annoyance.

"Well, we still have one," says Hiashi, turning back to his alien. The alien is gone. "...or not. How'd he escape my byakugan?"

"Maybe it was a clone of some kind?" suggests Hizashi. "What are we gonna do with this one?"

"Seal him in a scroll," says Hiashi, scooping the passed out kid up off the road. "We'll hand him over to the autopsy people when we get back to the Leaf."

Hizashi pulls out a scroll and seals away the dead body with its mutilated moon alien face. "Do you think this is the kid we were hired to find?" asks Hizashi, tucking the scroll into his backpack.

"Probably."

* * *

Shiro, orphanage matron in the Land of Rice Paddies, is fifteen minutes into a lesson on stranger danger. The children gathered in the village common room all look either really bored or really scared.

"...and especially don't take lollies from strangers," Shiro says sternly. "They might ask you for something else in return. Or they might ask you to go with them. And no, if a stranger asks an orphan to go with them it is not because they want you to be their kid. If an adult wants to adopt you, they gotta go through me first."

"Why?" asks one eight year old.

"So I can make sure they'll be a good parent," says Shiro without breaking her stride. "I don't want you going to live with someone who will hurt you." Shiro glances at the clock. 4:15 pm. She still has 15 minutes to impart her knowledge about stranger danger in a child friendly format.

"Do strangers kill you?" asks one of the younger teenagers. "Or do they mutilate your body and eat you with fried rice?"

So much for child friendly. "Some of them yes," says Shiro. "And some do worse things!"

All the kids are paying attention now.

"So...so is Toneri getting his arms and legs chopped off one by one?" asks that same young teen.

Some of the little kids start crying.

Shiro sighs. Ever since Toneri disappeared, all the kids have been theorizing about what happened to him. Some are funny like 'maybe he went to the moon', some are odd like 'maybe he turned into a unicorn' and some are just plain disturbing. Like getting his limbs chopped off. "You see, this is why you need to be wary of strangers."

"Oh, a lesson on stranger danger," says a strange man from his perch on the window. "This is probably not the best time for us to drop in, huh?"

Shiro gasps in fright and plants herself between the man and her orphans. "Who are you and what are you doing here?"

"I'm one of the ninjas the Leaf sent," the man says, fishing around in his bag and pulling out a scroll. He holds the scroll out to her and adds, "We rescued a kid on the way here. It might be the one you asked us to find. If not, we'll get right on that."

The orphans back away from the strange man sitting on the windowsill, but Shiro takes the proffered scroll. She reads it carefully and decides this man is telling the truth. He is wearing a Leaf headband and jounin uniform, after all. "Very well," Shiro says. "You may come inside."

"Hizashi, bring the kid in here," says the Leaf ninja over his shoulder. Then he jumps down off the windowsill. A moment later, an identical man climbs in through the window with Toneri in his arms.

"Oh my goodness! Toneri!" Shiro runs forward to check on Toneri. The poor child has dark rings around his eyes, his skin in pale and blotchy, and he is covered in dirt, scrapes and bruises.

"So then this _is_ your missing orphan?" asks the first ninja. "Sweet."

"Where did you find him?" asks Shiro, frantically fussing over Toneri.

Amused for some strange reason, the man holding Toneri, whose name Shiro already forgot, says, "It seems there's a group of moon aliens after him for some reason. We got rid of a couple of them, but there are more out there."

"Did you kill some aliens?" asks one of the kids, all wide eyed and fascinated. "Are they gonna come back for Toneri and rip his eyes out?"

"Yes, and we aren't sure what they want with him," says the first ninja. "But I think it would be safest for Toneri if he were to come back to the Leaf with us until we have sorted out the moon business."


	125. Toneri's Story

Hiashi waits. He is not disappointed.

"You can't take one of my orphans just like that!" the orphanage matron says, snatching Toneri - apparently that's the boy's name - out of Hizashi's arms and backing away from the Hyuuga brothers.

"Okay, look lady," says Hiashi calmly. "I know you hired us to find this kid, but there's an army of moon aliens with byakugan eyes that can actually see 360 degrees in any direction through pretty much everything for like, 50 kilometers. We need to be able to protect him until further notice."

"We could stay here, you know," suggests Hizashi, helpfully.

"I will not have two strange men staying in my orphanage," snaps the orphanage matron.

"What the hell do we have to do to protect an orphan?" asks Hiashi, annoyed. "Adopt him?"

"I call dibs!" says Hizashi.

"You can't call dibs!" snaps Hiashi. "I saw him first!"

"Paper, Scissors, Rock?" says Hizashi, holding out his fist.

"Yes." Hiashi holds out his own fist. "Paper, scissors, rock!"

Both Hiashi and Hizashi go with paper.

"A tie? Let's go again," says Hizashi, disappointed.

So they do. And both choose paper again. So they go again. And again. And again. And again, drawing each time.

"What do you think you are doing?" demands the orphanage matron, who is still holding on to Toneri.

"Deciding which one of us is going to adopt Toneri," says Hizashi without any hesitation whatsoever. "Hiashi, you already have two kids, let me have this one."

"Yeah, but I saw him first!" insists Hiashi. "Besides, I'm clan head! You know what the elders will think if you adopt him. You know he'll be better off with me."

"Yeah, but Neji might like a brother," argues Hizashi, crossing his arms. "And if you really want another kid, make like Fugaku and have sex with your wife!"

"There are children present!" snaps the orphanage matron, gasping.

"Oooh, you said a dirty word!" crows one of the orphans gleefully.

"Since when was Fugaku's name a dirty word?" Hizashi asks, raising his eyebrow.

"I dunno," shrugs Hiashi.

"I was talking about s-e-x," whispers the orphan conspiratorially, giggling.

"Sex isn't dirty," shrugs Hizashi. "It's spying on your wife in the shower with your byakugan that's dirty." Hizashi raises his eyebrows pointedly at Hiashi.

Hiashi can feel himself turning red. Hizashi knows! How many other people know? Hiashi knows Akira knows he does it - heck she does the same thing to him! - but does the entire Hyuuga clan know?!

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHH!" all the kids chorus gleefully. "You're dirty!"

Hiashi decides to make like Fugaku did that time he got a mustache drawn on his face and own it. "Yes," he assures the orphans. "Yes I am." Hiashi holds his head high and adds. "But only with my wife."

"At least you still have a wife," mutters Hizashi. Then in a louder voice he says to the matron, "So are you gonna stand there staring at us or are you going to clean that kid up and get him some food and water?"

Hiashi looks at Toneri to see that the poor kid is starting to wake up.

Toneri opens his eyes and sits up, immediately on the defensive. Then, upon seeing where he is, the poor boy calms down and throws himself into the orphanage matrons arms. Toneri starts crying, shaking like a leaf.

"So, Toneri," says Hiashi cautiously. "Why were those men from the moon chasing you?"

Toneri turns his head slowly to look at Hiashi and Hizashi. "You're...you're…"

"We saved you - for now, at least," says Hizashi gently, crouching down to Toneri's eye level. "But now the men who were chasing you think we are part of some rebel army. Do you know what they were talking about?"

Toneri nods slowly. "My Dad told me, before they killed him."

"But…" the orphanage matron stares at Toneri like he's grown a second head. "But you were left here anonymously as a baby!"

"Well...um…" Toneri looks uncomfortable.

"Toneri," says Hiashi, knowing what Toneri wants to do, but is not sure he should. "Please, flashback away. We are shinobi. We can take any tragic backstory you throw at us. Infact, my brother has one of his own. So start telling us your life story."

* * *

High up on the moon lives the descendants of Hamura Otsutsuki, the Sage of Six Paths' lesser known twin brother. Over time, the Otsutsuki clan grew in number until an entire civilization lived inside the moon. But the Otsutsuki clan is divided into two groups: the main house and the branch house. In the center of the moon civilization is the machine known as the Tenseigan. This machine, powered by the eyes of the branch clan, provides energy to sustain life on the moon.

Toneri was born into the branch clan. His mother died giving birth to him and, in a desperate attempt to save Toneri's eyes, his father took him to an orphanage on Earth. Toneri's father pretended his child died with his wife. As Toneri grew up, his father visited him secretly, teaching him about the moon and the byakugan.

But all that changed when a Rebel Faction, following the current King's sister, decided to rebel against the current system. When Toneri's father was a child, the king's sister voiced her opposition to the practice of taking the branch clan's eyes at birth. After being told in no uncertain terms that she was being an idiot, the princess left for Earth. She has not been seen since. The Rebel Group did not leave and go to Earth, but they do oppose the eye-taking practice.

Toneri's father joined the Rebel Faction and as a result was followed to Earth where his deceit was discovered and he was killed while visiting Toneri. Toneri ran for his life.

* * *

"And that's when you two found me," finishes Toneri. "While I was running for my life. I guess I am an orphan for real now."

Hiashi privately thinks this kid needs to learn how to flashback properly. His tragic backstory was very under-told. Ah well, that's something Hiashi can fix once he has adopted the kid. That's assuming he wins the Paper, Scissors, Rock. "Hmm," Hiashi muses. "I didn't know there was another clan of Hamura's descendants. But that's not that important. Why do they need eyes to power this Tenseigan thing?"

"Because Tenseigan is the byakugan's perfect form," explains Toneri. "It's equal in power to the Rinnegan. Hamura Otsutsuki had the Tenseigan eye and the Sage of Six Paths had the Rinnegan eye."

Hiashi considers this. "Fugaku has Rinnegan...alright, I am going to get me Tenseigan."

"So now that you know what Toneri is caught up in," says Hizashi, addressing the orphanage matron. "Will you let us take him to the Leaf where he will be safer?"

"While we're there we'll settle on who's going to adopt him as their very own," adds Hiashi.

"You can't adopt a child without the proper paperwork," says the orphanage matron, holding onto Toneri. "And I have to approve of whichever of you that will adopt him."

"Hey, this one knows her stuff," says Hiashi, impressed. He thought only Fugaku had such a good grasp on legal things.

The door to the large sitting room the children, their matorn and the Hyuuga twins are in opens. A man in the same style uniform as the matron enters. "What's going on in here?" he asks. Then he sees Hiashi and Hizashi. The man's eyes sweep the room in an instant, stopping on Toneri. Then the man turns his attention back to the two shinobi. "So are you the shinobi I requested?" he asks.

"Yes we are," says Hiashi. "I am Hiashi Hyuuga and this is my brother Hizashi. We found your missing orphan by accident on the way. He is still in a great deal of danger and we would like to take him back to the Hidden Leaf until the danger is gone. Then one of us will adopt him."

"Which one?" asks the man.

"I called dibs," says Hizashi.

"I saw him first!" says Hiashi.

"You already have two kids!"

"You already have a son!"

"See what you've started?" sighs the matron.

* * *

Half of one of the scout parties returns late. The commander in charge of finding the missing branch child is unimpressed. He is even more unimpressed when he learns the patrol found the child but was thwarted by two rebels.

"Rebels, you say?" the commander asks, interested. "Did you at least get any information we can use?"

"One of them said he was the head of something called 'The Hyuuga Clan'," one of the scouts says. "Is that what the rebels are calling themselves?"

"Hyuuga…" the commanders blood runs cold. "You idiot! The Hyuuga clan is a clan of earth shinobi descended from Hamura Otsutsuki! They do not know our civilization exists! If they learn about us, who knows what they will do!"

"Commander…?"

"Gather the other patrols," orders the commander. "We are going to find the Hyuuga Clan of The Village Hidden in the Leaves and kill Toneri before he can reveal our secrets."


	126. The Otsutsuki Princess

"You cannot bring _that_ into the Hyuuga compound," says Hiashi's father venomously.

Hiashi looks his father in the eye and says, "I am protecting him from an army of moon aliens. I am simply bringing work home with me. Plenty of people do it."

" _That_ is too dangerous. Get it out of here!" orders Hiashi's father, pointing his walking stick at Toneri.

Hinata runs up to Hiashi, grinning. "Is this a new friend for me?" she asks.

"Yes," says Hiashi.

"Sweet!" Hinata grabs Toneri by the hand and drags him away yelling, "NEJI! HANABI! OUR DADS GOT US A FRIEND!"

"Hiashi, that kid is the single greatest thing you have ever made," says Hizashi.

"Thank you," says Hiashi. "Father," he adds, turning to the man in question. "What have you got against Toneri?"

"Oh so you gave it a name," growls Hiashi's father. "I guess you'll be wanting to keep it too?"

"As a matter of fact, yes."

"Take it back to where you found it," says Hiashi's father. "I don't care what happens to it, you are not keeping it here!"

"Do you honestly expect us to leave that little boy to the mercy of an entire army of oppressive dictators?" demands Hizashi, glaring at his father.

"Shut up!" Hiashi's father swings his walking stick at Hizashi, an angry expression on his face.

Hiashi blocks the blow with his arms and stares into his father's eyes. What he sees there surprises him. Hurt. Pain. No anger at all. "I think it's time you told us your tragic backstory, Father," says Hiashi firmly.

"Very well, if you must know," says Hiashi's father, lowering his stick. "I will tell you. I will tell you about your mother."

* * *

Hanabi Otsutsuki, the princess of the moon kingdom, second child of the Moon King, is lost in a part of the palace she has never been in before. Hanabi was bored so she decided to explore a bit. After losing her tutor quite on purpose, Hanabi set off to explore places her father told her not to go.

After a few minutes of aimless wandering- exploring, Hanabi hears the unmistakable sound of a small child crying in distress. She quickly activates her byakugan to locate the child. Hanbi runs down hallways she has never walked, passing servants who seem unconcerned for the hysterical toddler being attacked a few corridors away.

When she reaches the room where two grown men are trying to remove the screaming, terrified child's eyes, Hanbi breaks down the door and demands, "What the bloody hell are you doing to that baby?!"

The two men stand up casually like they were doing nothing wrong. "Ah, Princess Hanabi," says one. "We are doing an eye operation, nothing you need to worry yourself about."

Hanabi snatches the toddler away from the men and glares at them. She hold the boy close and says angrily, "Have you even heard of sedatives?"

"Look, princess, this practice is as old as our civilization," says they other man impatiently, crossing his arms. "We take the branch clan members' eyes to fuel the Tenseigan and generate power for our entire civilization. So give back that branch whelp."

Hanabi is horrified. She had noticed that all the branch members were blind, but her father and mother refused to tell her why.

And now she knows.

Hanabi beats the stuffing out of those two men and carries the toddler off. Hanabi, unsure what to do now, returns to her room and calms the baby down by singing to him. Hanabi rocks the toddler in her arms and contemplates what to do next. She is about 99% sure she just committed some kind of criminal offence.

About half an hour after Hanabi rescued the toddler, her father bursts inter her room. Angry beyond reason, he marches up to her and demands, "Turn over the child to me and I will forget this."

"No!" Hanabi refuses. "You'll just let them gouge his eyes out! Why can't we take eyes from dead people, instead of little babies?"

"They are the branch clan. It is their duty to sacrifice their eyes for the greater good," explains Hanabi's father patiently. "You are just prolonging the inevitable. No one can escape their fate."

"You're wrong!" argues Hanabi. "Everyone's fate is their own to command."

Hanabi's father slaps her across the face. "No one can escape their destiny, our paths are written long before we were born."

The toddler, who Hanabi is holding in her arms, wakes up from his exhausted nap and starts crying again.

"Hand over the child," Hanabi's father repeats.

Hanabi has two choices. Hand over the child or get the hell off the moon taking the child with her. It takes her .0000000000000000000001% of a second to decide. "No," says Hanbai and pushes past her father. She runs out of the room, the child in her arms, and heads towards the nearest door leading out of the palace.

"Stop Hanabi!" her father yells, alerting the guards.

The guards give chase and Hanabi leaps out of the nearest window. Using chakra to keep the fall from hurting her, Hanbi lands in the courtyard and makes a break for the gates. Behind her, she can hear people yelling to close the gates. The palace gates begin to swing closed, and Hanabi uses a burst of chakra to propel her through them before they close completely. With her pursuit slowed down considerably, Hanabi can focus on making sure she goes the right way, rather than just far away.

Hanabi has heard of the gateway to the Earth, and has a good idea where the gateway is. What Earth is, however, is something Hanabi does not know. The only things she knows for sure are that everyone on Earth is inferior and lacks intelligence, and her people do not go there. The fact that Hanabi probably won't be pursued to Earth means that it is her best option. Now all she has to do is find the door. Hanabi continues her flight away from the palace, trying desperately to remember something - anything - that will help her find the doorway. After a while, Hanbi hears the guards looking for her. Hanabi does not know what to do. She does not know where to go, where to hide.

"Young lady," says an old man who is sitting nearby, leaning against a rundown building. "Where are you going?"

"To Earth," says Hanabi. "It is the only place I can go. I've broken a law, defied tradition and refused to obey the king. But I do not know where the gateway to earth is."

"Follow me," says the Old Man, standing up slowly. He has a strange staff in one hand, which he leans on as he walks. "I have been to Earth many times. The people there are good and kind for the most part. I will show you a place you can hide."

Hanabi has no other options, so she follows the old man. He quietly leads her through the streets, and out into the forest. They travel for quite some time, during which the toddler stops crying and starts sucking his thumb. The old man stops when they reach a cave.

"Go inside," says the old man. "And jump into the water. It is special water and will transport you to Earth. I will follow shortly."

Hanabi obeys and goes into the cave. Inside, there is a strange blue pool of shiny water that lights up the cave. It looks magical, so Hanbi walks over and jumps right in.

* * *

Hanabi staggers out of the cave at the other end of the gateway, thoroughly exhausted. What the hell is up with all the bubbles? The toddler is whimpering around his thumb, which is still firmly lodged in his mouth. He's probably hungry and tired and thirsty and traumatized. Just like Hanabi. Hanabi sits down and waits for the old man to follow her.

After about half an hour, the old man emerges from the pool. "I just ensured you will not be followed," he says. "The entire moon now knows that you left with an infant from the branch clan and are going to live on Earth out of protest against the practice of taking the branch clan's eyes. They also know that if anyone tries to follow you for any reason, I will destroy them on the spot."

"Who are you?" gasps Hanabi, standing up and backing away from the old man.

"Hamura Otsutsuki," says the old man. "Now, if you come with me, I will take you to the village where my Earthling descendants, the Hyuuga clan, lives. You should blend in there just fine."

Hamura Otsutsuki? The man who founded their clan and their entire civilization? "But...but aren't you supposed to be dead or something?"

"Or something," says the old man, nodding. "It's definitely the or something option. My brother is in the same situation. Now come with me to the Village Hidden in the Leaves."

Hanabi follows, keeping a safe distance away at all times. This old guy is crazy.


	127. Hanabi Fails at Life

Hanabi and her adopted baby, who she is calling Sprout for lack of a better name, are out shopping for towels. Sprout is sitting quietly in a shopping cart while Hanabi tries to figure out how earth money works.

And how money works.

She's been in the Hidden Leaf for a few months now, and she still hasn't got her head around Yen and Ryo. Hanabi never had to deal with money on the moon! At least the crazy old man who thinks he's Hamura Otsutsuki stuck around long enough to tell her money exists and what it's for. And also help her find a place to live and a job. Hanabi now works as a preschool teacher.

Agh, babies are so loud and she has to take one of them home with her at the end of every day. But at least she has money...however that's supposed to work.

A commotion nearby distracts Hanabi from her goal. A man with long hair and eyes like her own is trying to convince another customer to just go around the other side of the display.

"Why can't you move?" demands the other customer, an angry looking woman with a handful of bored kids standing behind her.

"You wouldn't fit anyway," says the man, dismissively and carries on inspecting the coffee grinders on the display. "Just go around the other side."

Hanabi's eyes widen. Did that guy just call that lady fat?

"What do you mean, I wouldn't fit?" demands the woman, planting her fists on her hips and glaring bloody murder.

"You have too much unnecessary body fat," says the man, without batting an eyelash. "Especially between the ears."

Hanabi is horrified. How could this man be so cruel?

"Did you just call me fat?" demands the woman, screeching at the top of her lungs.

"Well, that too," says the man, nodding ever so slightly.

There is a long pause while the customers and staff in the store hold their collective breaths.

"Mummy, I think he called you stupid too," says one of the kids.

"So I did," says the man, smiling. "It seems you did not pass down you lack of mental capacity to this poor child."

"How dare you!" screams the woman. "You selfish, self absorbed elitist prick!"

Sprout, unhappy about being rudely awakened from his daydream, starts crying. Loudly.

The woman turns and directs her rage at Hanabi. "You shut your stupid inbred kid up!" she yells. Then she turns back to the man. "That your wife and kid? Did you marry your cousin, like the rest of the bloodline purists?"

"You leave her out of this," says the man coldly, all his previous cheerfulness gone. "I do not know her or her child, but if you say one more bad word about my clan or that woman you will be sorry."

The woman shoos herself and her children out of the shop with her tail between her legs.

Hanabi cuddles Sprout, who is now out of the shopping cart and crying into her neck. She is so focused on calming Sprout that she does not notice the man until he is standing right beside her.

"Sorry about that," he apologises. "But that woman was annoying me long before you came into the shop."

Hanabi pats Sprout's back and says, "It's alright."

"I'm Hizashi Hyuuga," the man introduces himself.

"Oh, um...I'm Hanabi Otsutsuki," she replies. "This is Sprout. I kidnapped him off some people who were trying to cut out his eyes."

"Nice," says Hizashi, looking a little gobsmacked.

"Do you know how money works?" asks Hanabi, deciding to seize the opportunity to get some much needed assistance. "I'm from the moon and this confuses me." She makes vague gestures at the display of towels.

Hizashi frowns and says, "Yes, I do know how money works. Do you not have it on the moon?"

"Um…" Hanabi is unsure about this. "I've never had to deal with it before…"

"Well, allow me to explain…"

* * *

Sprout is sick. Hanabi does not know what to do. She has never had to deal with a sick person, let alone a sick baby before. She is keeping him in bed like the people at the preschool where she works told her to. They said it is probably just a cold - whatever that is - and Sprout will get better in a few days.

It's been a few days. He's not better. If anything, he seems worse.

Hanabi stays by Sprout's side, trying to get him to eat and drink, but barely anything makes it past his lips. Hanabi herself barely eats out of worry. But when Sprout starts vomiting what little food he eats back up again, Hanabi nearly panics. Fortunately her years as a princess learning iron self control come in useful for once. Her training is the only thing keeping her from total panic, but it does not lessen her gut wrenching anxiety.

Hanabi loses track of time in her efforts to do something - anything - that will help Sprout. Poor Sprout is pale and gaunt. He shakes constantly and barely moves. He has stopped eating and all Hanabi can do is try to pour some water or milk down his throat. If she were not so worried about him dying, Hanabi would leave and get help. If only she had some way of contacting the outside world.

Hanabi is snapped out of zombie-like daze by a pounding noise. She has been doing nothing but look after Sprout for so long that it takes her a while to realize the noise is coming from the door to her apartment.

Someone is knocking on her door.

Whoever it is can help her.

Hanabi runs to the door and fumbles with the key, dropping it several times in her haste. When she finally gets the door open, Hanabi has calmed down a little. She finds her boss on the other side of the door.

"Hello," says Hanabi's boss, looking her up and down critically. "I haven't heard from you in a while. I assume that either Sprout is still sick or you caught the bug?"

"He's still sick," says Hanabi. "I don't know what to do!"

"Take him to a doctor, obviously," says her boss, patiently.

"A what?" asks Hanabi, staring at her boss in confusion. She's been on the earth for a whole year, and this is the first she's heard about what doctors are for.

"You are obviously too tired to function," says Hanabi's boss, pushing her way inside and closing the door. "Go get yourself tidied up and I will take you and Sprout to a doctor. Where is he?"

Hanabi stumbles to the bedroom she shares with her son, where Sprout is lying limply on his futon.

"Holy s###, woman!"says Hanabi's boss, taking a step backwards. "Why didn't you take him to a doctor already?"

Hanabi bursts into tears. "I don't even know what that word means!"

"That's because you are too tired to use your brain-"

"I am a princess from the moon! I don't know what a doctor is! I don't know how to look after a sick baby! You just said 'put him to bed. He'll be alright in a few days'! You never said what to do if he got worse!" Hanabi yells at her boss, subconsciously activating her byakugan.

Hanabi's boss rubs her temples and sighs. "Put a coat on. I'm taking you two to the hospital." While her boss wraps Sprout up in his quilt, Hanabi finds her coat. Once both mother and son are wrapped up, Hanabi's boss leads them out of the apartment, through town and to a large building with big front doors.

Hanabi stares up at the building. She has seen it before, of course, but she never even wondered what it was for. Hamura had told her to keep her head down, and Hizashi had told her after the crash course in how money works to keep the whole 'being from the moon' thing quiet. Hanabi realizes that both men probably assumed she would know about important things like money, doctors and such. Hanabi realizes she is still crying, and wipes her eyes on her sleeve.

Inside the building, which Hanabi assumes must be the hospital, her boss talks to some people in white and gives Sprout to them. Unsure what to do, Hanabi follows the people with Sprout. They ask her to fill out a form.

Hanabi stares at the form. What is Sprouts name? Sprout Otsutsuki. What are his parents' names? Hanabi writes down her name and puts 'I don't know' in the space for father's name. What is his birthday? Hanabi doesn't know how old Sprout is. Probably about two years old. She puts down the day she rescued him as his birthday. Who is his legal guardian? Hanabi writes down her name. What is his legal guardian's relation to him? Hanabi pauses over that one. What is her relation to him? Foster parent? Adoptive mother? Rescuer? Hanabi puts 'Adoptive mother. Also rescuer.' That should do. What is Sprout's sex? Male, duh. What is his medical history? He nearly had his eyes gouged out. That's when she rescued him. Hanabi wonders if that is enough information. It better be. She hands the form back to the guy who gave it to her.

The man reads over the form and sighs. "You aren't his real mother? You look quite alike."

"We're from the same clan," explains Hanabi. "We're probably distant cousins."

"Okay," shrugs the man. "You from a shinobi clan?"

"Um...yes?" Hanabi isn't sure why that is important.

The man nods and says, "Go home and rest. We'll take care of...erm...Sprout."

"But…" Hanabi tries to protest.

"Go. Come back when you're rested and have eaten," says the man. "We'll call you if there's a change in his condition."

"How will you call me?" asks Hanabi, curious.

The doctor looks down at the form. "Put your address here," he says, pointing to the line asking what the patient's address is. "We will send someone to your house."

"Okay," agrees Hanabi and writes down her apartment's address. Then she heads out of the hospital, casting one last glance over her shoulder at Sprout before his vanishes into a room with a big red sign that reads 'Emergency Room' over the doors.


	128. The World Goes Dark

Hizashi Hyuuga, heir to the Hyuuga clan's main branch, is out for a walk in town. He's been going on a lot of walks in town lately. He's been going on these walks in hopes he will run into that strange young woman from the moon again. He likes her and wants to get to know her, maybe even ask her to go on a date with him. Besides, she seemed so lost, and he thinks that maybe she could use some help getting her head around life on earth.

But mostly he just wants to ask her on a date.

Hizashi has seen Hanabi around, but she is always gone by the time he gets to wherever he saw her. This whole thing is playing out like a bad romance novel. All that needs to happen now is for them to randomly meet and fall instantly in love then have glorious sex and get married. In that order. Now call him traditional or a prude, but Hizashi thinks the falling in love and the marriage should come before the sex. Of course, a really bad romance novel would have the sex and/or marriage come before the falling in love and -

That's Hanabi over there.

Hizashi makes a beeline for the moon princess, forgetting his previous train of thought. Hanabi looks awful, and is dragging her feet in exhaustion. Hizashi puts a hand on her shoulder and says, "Hanabi? What's wrong?"

Hanabi looks up at Hizashi and bursts into tears. "Sprout's sick!"

"That's not good," says Hizashi, worried. "Where is he?"

"At the hospital," says Hanabi, sounding unsure. "I think…"

"You...have no idea what a hospital is, do you?" he guesses.

Hanabi shakes her head. "What's a doctor?" she asks.

Hizashi sighs. His hunch was right. This poor princess knows nothing. "A doctor is someone who helps sick and hurt people to heal. A hospital is a place where doctors do the aforementioned making sick and hurt people heal."

"Oh." Hanabi's expression says that she understands. Her eyes glaze over briefly and she sways unsteadily.

"How about I buy you some lunch?" Hizashi suggests, noting how thin Hanabi has gotten. "Then I'll walk you home and you can rest."

Hanabi nods tiredly and allows him to lead her to a sushi bar and buy her lunch. Hizashi makes sure she eats despite her tiredness and takes her home. Once he has seen Hanabi safely inside, he notes down her address and heads home himself, resolving to go and visit her the next day.

* * *

Hanabi wakes to the sound of someone knocking persistently on her door. She rolls off her bed and stumbles to the door. Hizashi is on the other side.

"Sorry, I thought you would be up by now," says Hizashi apologetically. He came by the day before as well, just to make sure she is looking after herself properly. It is only the second day after Sprout was admitted to hospital and already the story of what happened has gone around the village. Hizashi had hurried her past the people who attempted to speak to her on her way to the hospital the previous day. None of those people looked very friendly, and Hanabi was glad Hizashi was there.

Hizashi waits while Hanabi dresses and eats breakfast, then he escorts her to the hospital. When they arrive, they are pulled aside by the doctor who is taking care of Sprout.

"Is something wrong?" asks Hanabi, distressed.

"I am afraid we could not save your child," says the doctor gravely. "He passed away in the night."

"It's my fault!" Hanabi says, trying not to cry right then and there. Emotions are not meant to be succumbed to. One should never break down in front of others. That is what she was taught. That is what she will do.

"No it's not," says Hizashi sternly. "It is not your fault you are a moon princess with no knowledge of things that are commonplace on earth."

"I came all this way, I left my home and everything I know to save him, and now he's dead!" Hanabi says, feeling lightheaded. "Why?"

Hizashi says nothing.

The doctor looks very uncomfortable.

Hanabi runs from the room to find somewhere isolated to cry.

* * *

"Is it true that she came from the moon?" asks the doctor thoughtfully.

"Yes," says Hizashi. "It is true. My clan originally came from the moon, so her story is not hard for me to believe."

"That explains why the child might not have been vaccinated," says the doctor. "Perhaps they do the vaccinations at a different age on the moon."

"Most likely," agrees Hizashi. "Their health care system is obviously completely different up there too."

"When do you think she will recover enough to talk about funeral arrangements?" asks the doctor. "We cannot keep the baby in the hospital morgue forever."

"I will handle the funeral," says Hizashi. "She probably doesn't know how they work on Earth anyway."

* * *

If it weren't for Hizashi, Hanabi would be the only one at Sprout's funeral. She is glad he is there. Prick though he may be, Hizashi is not really a bad person - just a bit pushy and serious. Once the funeral is over, Hanabi stands by the cemetery gates, unable to stand any closer to Sprout's grave, but wanting desperately to be near him.

"Do you need some time alone?" asks Hizashi.

"What am I going to do now?" asks Hanabi. "I've lost my job, I don't know how this world works, my baby is dead, I-"

"Marry me," Hizashi says.

"What?" Hanabi looks up at him, wondering what brought this on.

"Marry me please," he repeats, taking her hand in his. "I know my father will not object, and I do not want to leave you alone. I like you a lot-"

"What about love?" asks Hanabi. She has always dreamed of love.

"I think I could fall in love with you," says Hizashi. "Why don't we find love together?"

Hanabi hesitates before answering. She kinda likes Hizashi. She might learn to love him in time. If she refuses she can go on making a mess of her life, or maybe even crawl back to her father and beg his forgiveness, then be branded a branch member. Hizashi is by far providing her the best option. Maybe he asked her to marry him so she would not have to go back to the moon. Maybe he loves her already. Hanabi sighs. "Alright," she agrees. "I will marry you."

Hizashi's smile is so bright that Hanabi thinks he might love her after all.

* * *

The Caged Bird Seal is kind compared to the Tenseigan energy generator. But why do those who bear the byakugan treat their family members so harshly? No matter what he says, Hanabi is worried that Hizashi will fall into the same habits as his clansmen if they have more than one child.

Hanabi likes Hizashi. Sometimes. She can tell he loves her to the moon and back, but if she had not already married him she would not marry him. Hanabi is no stranger to marriages of convenience, and for her this is one. If she had not come to earth, Hanabi would probably be in some sort of arranged marriage against her wishes. At least with Hizashi she had a choice, and likes him. Now, a year into their marriage, Hanabi is pregnant with the next Hyuuga heir. This child will be pampered and trained and strictly disciplined and molded into the perfect Hyuuga. Any children born after this child will be second best, the spare, a branch member - probably branded with the caged bird seal if no other candidate is available to act as the next heir's guardian.

Hanabi's only consolation is that male or female, the child she carries will be treated the same by the clan. The same intense training, the same high expectations, the same strict discipline, the same role in the clan - no sexisim in the Hyuuga clan.

* * *

She had twins. Hizashi cannot quite believe it. But there they are, two identical little boys. The elder one has a red ribbon around his ankle. Hizashi stares at the two boys in awe.

"The elder's name is Hiashi," says Hanabi, from her hospital bed. "The younger's name is Hizashi. Be kind to him."

 _She didn't._

* * *

She did.

Hiashi and Hizashi are identical in every way physically. But Hiashi learns slowly, steadily and thoroughly. He masters crawling before he attempts to stand, and standing before walking. Hizashi learns in leaps and bounds. As soon as he can sit he wants to crawl, and he tries to run before his brother can walk.

The twins learn to talk earlier than most babies, but they do not talk very much at all. Hizashi senior watches his sons grow, dreading the day he will place the curse mark on the younger.

His name sake.

Damn, Hanabi knew exactly what she was doing.

Hizashi junior acts a lot like his mother. He smiles like her, laughs like her - he even imitates her mannerisms on purpose. Meanwhile, Hiashi tries to act like his father, all prim and proper.

The twins' third birthday arrives, and Hizashi junior is branded with the Caged Bird Seal. Hiashi cries in sympathy, wanting to know why they are hurting his brother.

Hanabi shuts herself in her room and does not emerge for two days. The twins join her after the ceremony and Hizashi senior is banned from the room until they emerge.

* * *

Then Hanabi gets sick. They think nothing of it - it's just a cold.

But then Hiashi, now five years old, innocently asks, "Did Mummy forget to get her flu jab?"

To which Hanabi asks, "What's a flu jab?"

Hizashi senior takes Hanabi to the hospital right then and there. How could he have been such an idiot as to assume they had such things on the moon after what happened to Sprout?

But it is already too late for Hanabi.

Hizashi buries his wife in the same grave he buried her adopted son in.

As the gravediggers fill in the grave, Hizashi wonders why the world looks so much darker. Beside him, the twins hold hands and cry.


	129. The King of the Moon

Hiashi's mind races. He has an older brother? His mother didn't know anything? Keeping his face as calm as possible, Hiashi focuses on the most important things. "So I have an older brother I never knew about," he muses. "And my mother named Hizashi after you for the same reason I named my younger daughter after her: so that you would not discard the younger sibling as not worth your love. But why were you not kind to Hizashi?"

"Aside from him being in the branch family?" says their father, frowning. "He is far too like his mother for his own good!"

"Losing your wife does not justify neglecting a child," shouts Hizashi, angrily. "No matter how much they remind you of your dead loved one!"

Hiashi turns to look at his brother. At the same time, his father raises his hand in a half ram hand seal. Hizashi screams, clutching at his head in agony as the Curse Mark Seal activates.

Hiashi steps forward, punching his father square in the gut. "I think it's about time someone did something about the way we with the byakugan treat our clansmen." He says firmly. Then he activates his byakugan and whispers in his father's ear, "Don't you dare hurt my brother again."

His father staggers backwards, holding his stomach and glaring at Hiashi.

Hizashi falls to his knees and holds his head, panting raggedly.

Hiashi sees something in his peripheral vision, inside the compound. He turns towards the compound just as Toneri comes running out, holding his bleeding face. "Mr. Hiashi!" yells Toneri, running towards him. "They found me!"

Hiashi runs to the distraught child and stops his headlong flight. "Calm down and tell me what happened."

Toneri nods, and tells Hiashi what happened.

* * *

 _Hinata drags Toneri into the compound, down some identical hallways to a room where a seven year old girl is braiding a boy's hair. The girl turns and grins at Hinata. "Neji is finally letting me do his hair!"_

" _Our Dads are back," says Hinata. "And look! They brought us a new friend."_

" _Hi," says Toneri. "I'm Toneri Otsutsuki. I'm from the moon."_

 _It is roughly ten seconds before Toneri is sitting beside Neji getting his hair brushed while Hanabi and Hinata discuss what to do with it. Toneri is not too bothered, since he sometimes lets the girls at the orphanage play with his hair. The big ones think it's funny and the little ones are just happy a big kid is paying attention to them._

 _While the girls are picking which hair clips to put in Toneri's hair and which ribbon to put in Neji's, Toneri discreetly activates his byakugan to scope out the area. He sees eight Otsutsuki men headed straight for him. Toneri stands up so fast he knocks over Hinata._

" _Hey!" protests Hinata._

 _A sparkly pink unicorn bursts through the wall, neighing loudly._

" _RUN!" says Toneri, heading for the door. "They found me!"_

" _Who did?" demands Hinata, holding her chest and winching in pain. "Sparkles, what's wrong?"_

 _The unicorn rears, letting out a screeching whinney. A moment later, the Otsutsuki men burst into the room, byakugan activated. Neji leaps in front of Hinata, byukugan ready, mirroring the same fighting stance Hiashi and Hizashi used. Hanabi joins him, her own byakugan awake and ready._

" _What is this?" asks one of the Otsutsuki. "There are humans with the byakugan?"_

" _We are the Hyuuga clan," says Neji. "You have no right to be here."_

" _Take the earthling children," says one Otsutsuki. "We have precious few children left on the moon."_

" _Yes sir," agree the others, leaping forward to attack the three Hyuuga children._

" _RUN, TONERI!" shouts Hinata, and coughs. "Find my Dad and Uncle!"_

 _Toneri runs from the room, and two of the Otsutsuki follow him. One of them grabs him and Toneri activates his byakugan, ready to fight. The Otsutsuki stabs at Toneri's eyes, screaming about insolent branch members not being allowed the byakugan. The unicorn stamps on the Otsutsuki man's back, forcing him to release Toneri. The blow aimed for Toneri's eyes misses and cuts his forehead. Toneri takes the opportunity to run. This time he gets away._

* * *

Hiashi checks with his byakugan and discovers that the Otsutsuki are fleeing from the compound with every other Hyuuga either on their tail or heading right for them. Hiashi turns to his father and says, "Father, look after Toneri. I am going to kick some moon alien booty."

Hiashi strides across the courtyard and heads for Hinata's room, where Sparkles is lying with a gash down his left side. Hiashi calls over a nearby clansman and orders him to take care of Sparkles. Then Hiashi heads after the Otsutsuki, telling the rest of the Hyuuga to fall back. He's got this.

* * *

The King of the Moon will give his throne to no one. He has no wife, no children, no family members left who could challenge his rule. Yes, he is old - but he will find a way to live forever and reign as king of the moon. His only concern for a long time was his sister, who left long ago for the Earth with a baby from the branch clan. But, after many years passed and his sister did not return, the King of the Moon felt sure she would never return. A rebel movement has started up claiming they are following Princess Hanabi's legacy, but they will soon be crushed beneath the king's heel.

The King is sitting on his throne musing over the branch member his retainers discovered on Earth, when one of them returns with a report. "What have you to report?" asks the King. "I trust your search was successful."

"My Lord King," says the retainer gravely, lowering to one knee. "We had not recovered the child when I left Earth. However I felt you should know that there is a clan on Earth known as the Hyuuga clan which bears the byakugan."

"I know of them," says the King, coldly. "What is your point?"

"My squad encountered two of the Hyuuga," says the scout. "They took the child and killed the rest of my squad easily. That in itself is no real cause for concern. However, these two were exactly identical, and their chakra resembled that of your own and their physical appearance reflects pictures I have seen of your sister. I thought they were her children until they denied knowing anything about her. It is possible they are her children and do not know who she is."

The King of the Moon feels afraid for a moment. There is someone who could challenge his throne! Then he smiles. Finally he knows where to find his sister so he can kill her and any descendants she might have produced. "This news is good," says the King. "Now I can finally stamp out my sister's line."

"Yes my King," says the scout, smiling a bloodthirsty smile.

The King turns as more members of the scout party arrive. They have prisoners, but none are the branch child. "What is this?" demands the King.

"My Lord King," bows one of the scouts. "These three are children of the Hyuuga clan - children of the two we suspect to be your sister's sons."

The King smiles. "Well done. Bring them here so I can kill them!"

"How about you come over here and fight me!" says a strange voice.

The King turns to see a man with glowing byakugan and long dark hair standing in the throne room doorway. He is wearing combat gear and a forehead protector with a leaf on it.

"Who are you?" asks the King of the Moon.

"I am Hiashi Hyuuga, shinobi of the Hidden Leaf, head of the Hyuuga clan," says the man evenly. "You probably know my mother - Hanabi Otsutsuki." He points to the three children the King's scouts have prisoner. "I am here for my daughters and my nephew."

"My sister's son, are you?" asks the King, smiling. "Then I had better kill you and these children, then go to earth and kill the rest of your family! No one can exist who has the power to challenge my title!"

"Your title?" says Hiashi Hyuuga. "Would that be King of the Moon and head of the Otsutsuki clan?"

"Yes," says the King of the Moon.

"Fight me," says Hiashi. "Fight me to the death - the winner shall be King of the Moon." His eyes turn to the glowing blue tenseigan.

* * *

"...and then I kicked his ass with my new eye powers," Hiashi finishes telling his brother the story. "And got Neji, Hinata and Hanabi back. I am also King of the Moon and have these weird tomoe things at the base of my neck."

"Do you think I could awaken the tenseigan?" asks Hizashi, looking up at the night sky, where the moon hangs, shining.

"Probably," says Hiashi. "But don't try. The Caged Bird Seal will destroy your eyes if they get too powerful."

"So how are you going to run the Moon and the Hyuuga clan?" asks Hizashi skeptically.

"I was hoping you would help me," says Hiashi. "After all you are my brother."

"Alright, I will help you," agrees Hizashi.

Over in the Unicorn House, Sparkles nickers softly. Hinata has not left her unicorn's side since she got back from the moon. Sparkles got hurt trying to protect Hinata. Any misgivings about the animal Hiashi and Hizashi had are gone because of Sparkles's heroics that day.

"So which one of us will adopt Toneri?" asks Hiashi. "If we don't decide soon the orphanage will take him back."

Hizashi holds out his fist. Hiashi mirrors his brother.

"Paper, Scissors, Rock!"

Hiashi goes with scissors.

"I win," says Hizashi, grinning from behind his rock-shaped fist.


	130. The New Kazekage

**AN: What's up, those of you still reading? Since this is a new arc, we are giving you a new recap of the story so far. But first, there are a few things we would like to say to you all. Firstly: to that new guest reviewer I would like to say "I don't update when we finish a chapter, I update to a schedule because I have the next several chapters already written." Secondly: thank you to everyone reviewing, certain people's puns give us a good laugh. Thirdly: this is the first arc that does not follow cannon closely, so all of you who wanted us to do our own thing are about to find out what it was all gearing up for.**

 **Now, on with the recap.**

 **The Adopting Naruto arc: ch 1-12.**

Iruka adopts Naruto as his brother, but unfortunately this annoys Danzo. While Naruto and and his new bestie Hinata are off pranking the Uchiha police, Danzo is busy trying to assassinate Iruka. It does not work because Mei doesn't want to kill her favourite enemy until they are at least adults, and hires Wind and Rain to rescue Iruka. Fugaku grows a mustache and stops the coup just in time to attend Danzo's execution for attempting to kill a loyal Leaf shinobi. Naruto decides he wants to learn manners and fuuinjutsu, and Iruka feels up to the task. **  
Arashi and Kazama arc: ch 13-21**

Naruto has his sixth birthday party during which Shisui gets on a sugar high and Iruka convinces Lord Third to tell Naruto about Minato and Kushina. Naruto learns about his parents. A month later, he gets a late birthday present from Jiraiya, which consists of school supplies. Kakashi starts dating Tenzou. While Iruka trains for the chunin exams, Naruto summons Joe the shinigami and makes himself float. Iruka takes the chunin exams, Naruto adjusts to the floating life, and Arashi and Kazama turn up. Fugaku suggests they adopt Naruto and Iruka, and the Fourth Hokage's parents obligingly take in the two boys. Oh, and Iruka makes chunin, but we forgot to mention that.

 **The Academy Days arc: ch 22-29**

Karin and her Mum pack up and move to the Leaf, where Karin summons Joe and makes friends with Madoka and Ino. Arashi, Naruto and Iruka have lots of fun together, but Kazama doesn't like Iruka. A year passes, during which Iruka turns 17 and Naruto turns 7. Kazama and Iruka have the shouting match that has been building all year. Iruka goes on a mission with Itachi, Hana and Gai to cool off. Iruka makes love with Mei in the Temple of Joe, and is not even sorry when she takes the scroll he and his team were sent to retrieve. While Iruka is doing that, Itachi makes friends with Hana and earns the respect of Kakuzu. When Iruka gets back to the Leaf, he makes friends with Kazama. The two of them decide to have Naruto apply for the specialist test when he graduates the Academy. Oh, and Naruto stopped floating. **  
Kakashi arc: ch 30-35**

Naruto, now twelve, is not allowed to take the specialist test: Mizuki passes him with terrible scores out of spite. Team Seven Takes the bell test with Kakashi. Moving on. Mizuki steals the sacred scroll of sealing from Lord Third's house, and Naruto makes friends with Konohamaru. Wind and Rain's kid makes a brief appearance. Eizo-Mori makes his debut. **  
The Land of Waves Arc: ch 36-51**

Zabuza and Haku don't die. Sasuke awakens her sharingan. Wind and Rain steal back the Sacred Scroll of Sealing. Naruto learns the Multi Shadow Clone Jutsu, and masters flying with his anti-gravity seal.

 **Sasuke's filler: ch 52-53**

Sasuke, Kazama, Madoka and Kakashi's kid all get kittens. **  
Chunin exams arc: ch 54-101**

Eizo forces Sasuke to be friends with him. Sasuke's Dad tells her she can't take the chunin exams because she is too grounded. Sasuke and her team enter anyway. Itachi gets pregnant with Shisui's baby and Fugaku gets pissed. Eizo uses his cuteness to uncover Orochimaru's plot to destroy Konoha and gains Ibiki as a babysitter. Orochimaru does not show up in the Forest of Death. Sasuke and Naruto accidentally kiss in the Forest of Death. In the preliminary matches, Gaara breaks Lee, and Neji beats up Hinata. Karin awakens her chakra chains, and Kabuto advances to the finals for once. Jiraiya trains Naruto for the chunin exams, but Naruto does not want to use the Nine Tail's chakra because that's stealing. Kakashi trains Sasuke, who gets to hang out with Kakashi's wife and kids, Tenzou, Aki and Minoru. In the finals, Naruto knocks the back-stories out of Gaara and Neji, and Sasuke is nearly crushed to death. Fugaku awakens rinnegan, and accidently summons Konan after the invasion starts. Konan stops Fugaku from killing Rasa while Rain kills Orochimaru for realsies. Unfortunately, Rain didn't study up about the Reanimation jutsu, and now the Leaf is stuck with Hashirama and Tobirama Senju for the foreseeable future. While that's happening, Deputy Kinoko and Jiraiya defend the village from the snakes and traitorous Uchihas. Karin's mum saves Sasuke, and is revealed to be the long lost Queen of the Land of Whirling Tides. Jiraiya does not see Konan before Naruto drags him away to find Tsunade, who can fix Sasuke for good. Konan is sad and makes up an excuse to come back. Lord First adopts Tenzou as his very own. **  
Mushroom filler: 102-104**

Deputy Kinoko adopts Kimimaro and Jugo. Kimimaro does not die. **  
Finding Tsunade arc: 105-123**

Naruto and Jiraiya go on a road trip to find Tsunade and convince her to help Sasuke. Jiraiya begins teaching Naruto the Rasengan while they search. Naruto continues to doubt his parents' love. Meanwhile, Jiriaya's old sidekicks from the Hidden Rain arrive in the Leaf and settle down to wait until Jiraiya's return. Eizo turns two, Okami's strength gets progressively less and the Hokage gets more and more fed-up with his job. He just wants to retire, dammit! Jiriaya's illegitimate love child, Kimiko, turns up in the Leaf after her mother's death. Arashi volunteers as babysitter, and before twenty four hours are up, Nagato has already found Kimiko and made friends, much to Konan's amusement. Yahiko, Nagato and Konan start hanging out at Arashi and Kazama's house to play with Kimiko.

A masked man approaches Tsunade asking her to join his cause, but she tells him she'll think about it. Jiraiya and Naruto find her that very day, and Naruto promptly challenges Tsunade to a duel, much to Shizune's horror. After beating Naruto and his incomplete rasengan with one finger, Tsunade bets him Sasuke's life and the First Hokage's necklace that he can't master it in a week. Naruto's response is "challenge accepted!", and he sets out to master the jutsu. After a week of failing miserably, Naruto is nearly ready to give up. But the appearance of the masked man, and a strange, plant-like being distracts Tsunade from the bet. Jiraiya barely survives his fight with the black-white, man-eating plant monster. Tsunade gets her but kicked by the woodstyle using masked man. Naruto arrives on the scene just in time to get pissy at the masked man for wearing a mask while not Rain. He breaks the mask to see who's under it, only for the masked man and the plant monster to gap it before Naruto can see who he just smacked in the face. Tsunade gets over her fear of blood in time to stop Naruto from dying of the fatal injury the masked man gave him.

Back in the Leaf, Okami has reached her limit, and Karin takes over healing Sasuke after the Queen collapses. Fugaku makes it clear he does not want Oaki to kill herself over Sasuke, and Okami takes a well earned nap. Tsunade, Shizune, Naruto and Jiraiya arrive just in time for Tsunade to pull Sasuke back from the brink of death. Okami, rejuvenated from her nap, assists while Karin replenishes her chakra by stuffing her face. Fugaku and Eizo are both very happy their favourite Sasuke will be alright. Naruto falls asleep on Jiraiya, who ends up having to carry his new sidekick home. Upon reaching Naruto's home, Jiraiya finds his old sidekicks reading a bedtime story to his kid. Needless to say, Jiraiya is much surprised. He resolves to be a good Dad, and begins at once.

The next day, Tsunade and Jiraiya both refuse to be Hokage, and Naruto puts a candidate of his own forward. Lord Third agrees, and convinces Fugaku to be the new Hokage. Lord Third then makes Naruto a chunin, along with Shino, Kabuto and Shikamaru. Kimiko, with some help from Naruto, befriends the Konohamaru Trio and ends up in the Academy. Even though Kimiko's mother forbid her from learning the ninja arts, Kimoko wants to learn them, and launches herself into learning them after some encouragement from Iruka. Deputy Kinoko is made the new Police Chief, Fugaku is made the new Hokage, Sasuke wakes up, Killer Bee decides she wants Nagato as her boyfriend, no matter that she is a Cloud jinchuuriki and Nagato is the leader of the Hidden Rain. Naruto has a chat with Killer Bee then goes out for lunch with Kazama, who can and does eat three times as much ramen as Naruto. Rasa, horrified that Fugaku is the Hokage, quits in frustration, fully intending to return to the Hat if the council cannot find someone else. Sasuke wakes up from her coma and is very confused about her Dad being Hokage.

 **The Moon Filler: 124-129**

Hiashi and Hizashi learn about their dear, departed mother. Turns out she was a princess from the moon. Hizashi adopts Toneri Otsutsuki and Hiashi becomes King of the Moon. (It's a filler - well mostly. We would've summed it up in flashbacks when necessary in the upcoming arc anyway, so why not make a mini-arc out of it?)

 **That's about it for the recap. It hasn't been so long between the new arc and the last arc this time, so we only recapped the important points. Now on with our first non-canon-following arc!**

* * *

After a week doing nothing but relax and regret nothing, Rasa decides he should probably go back to his village and be Kazekage again. There is no way they could have found a new Kazekage - he just needed to get away for a while. But now, after a spending a week in a forest on the border, Rasa is quite ready to assume his responsibilities without the risk of going on a killing spree every time someone asks how his face is.

Oh. Gaara gets the tendency towards killing from Rasa, not Shukaku. Shukaku just encourages Gaara. Damn.

It looks like Rasa owes Gaara an apology. Maybe Gaara's recent mildness will last if Rasa is a bit nicer - okay, a LOT nicer - to his son.

Decided, Rasa heads back to the Hidden Sand. When he arrives, Rasa heads to the council room. For some reason, they are in session.

The council turns when Rasa enters. "Ah, Lord Rasa, you are back," says Baki. "Fortunately, we found a new Kazekage."

Rasa is too shocked to say anything. Where did they find a new Kazekage? The Kazekage chair turns towards Rasa, revealing Gaara. The Kazekage hat is sitting crooked on Gaara's head, and the robes are too big for him. He looks like a kid playing dress up. "G-Gaara..?" Rasa stammers out.

"Hello, Father," says Gaara, smiling, and pushing the Kazekage hat into place, only for it to slip down in front of his eyes. "I am Kazekage now."

"How?" asks Rasa. "Why?"

"Well…"

* * *

 _After the door closes behind Rasa, Baki bangs his head on the table. Gaara wonders what the council will do._

" _What's gotten into him?" growls one of the councilmen. "He can't just up and leave! He's a KAGE!"_

" _Not if he keeps acting like that!" snaps another councilman. "We can't let this kind of behavior go unchecked."_

" _We have no choice but to put up with him," says Baki. "There is no one else who can be our Kazekage."_

 _Gaara decides to take the opportunity to realize his new dream. "Can I be the Kazekage?" he asks._

" _You?" asks one of the councilmen. "Aren't you a bit young?"_

" _Maybe," says Gaara, shrugging. "But I'm more powerful than all of you." He decides to give a little speech to convince them. "I have abandoned my goal of living to kill others. Now I wish to protect my village and my people. If you allow me to take the position of Kazekage I will lead the Hidden Sand into a brighter future. I have ideas about how to boost our economy, and reform our schooling system. If you allow me to bear this honourable burden, I will protect the Hidden Sand and its people with my life. I will even secure an iron clad alliance with the Hidden Leaf."_

" _Allow us to discuss this," says Baki, and the entire council falls to discussing Gaara as if he is not there. After a heated discussion that Gaara does not bother keeping up with, Baki turns his attention back to Gaara and says, "The council has decided: you shall be our Kazekage. Your age will not be an issue unless you start actually behaving like a twelve year old."_

* * *

"...and that is what happened," finishes Gaara, pushing up the Hat again.

"Well, f###," says Rasa, once again regretting all his decisions. He can almost hear Fugaku laughing at him.

* * *

With Sparky sitting on his shoulder, Naruto heads to the hospital to see Sasuke. As he comes close to Sasuke's room, Naruto hears the murmur of voices. Curious, he sneaks closer to eavesdrop.

"...and then Iruka took them to meet this year's new entrants," Mr. Nice Hokage is telling Sasuke. "Lord Second remarked that the new entrants seem older than they were in the past, while Lord First cooed over how adorable all the baby ninjas are - his words, not mine. Iruka told them that due to the amount of mental issues caused by entering and leaving the Academy too early, they raised the minimum entrance age to seven and the minimum graduation age to ten. Lord First got all emotional and started crying, saying that his dream of a world where children do not have to die in adult's battles is close to coming true. Then Lord Second scolded his brother for crying, only to start crying himself."

Sasuke laughs weakly.

Naruto grins at Sparky, who ruffles his feathers in an amused way.

"Of course, Lord Second tried to deny that he was crying," finishes Mr. Nice Hokage. "But no one was fooled."

Sasuke laughs again and says, "The First and Second Hokages sound like dorks."

"Oh, they are the biggest dorks," says Mr. Nice Hokage.

"Dad," says Sasuke quietly. "Why do you and the rest of the clan like Naruto so much? It doesn't make sense."

"Not just Naruto," says Mr. Nice Hokage. "Hinata too. They saved our clan."

Naruto sucks in his breath. When did he and Hinata save the Uchiha clan?

"When?" asks Sasuke. "How? What did they save us from?"

"Listen," says Mr. Nice Hokage. "And I will tell you a story."

* * *

 _When Fugaku is a child attending the Academy, he is bullied for being an Uchiha. He is not alone - all the Uchiha children are bullied and ostracized. They all think the same thing: when we graduate they will finally accept us._

 _Except they do not._

 _If anything, the adults are worse than the children. With few exceptions, the Uchiha clan is hated and ostracized by all. At first, Fugaku does not understand why. Then he realizes that they are afraid. The people of the Leaf are afraid of one of their founding clans._

 _After he becomes the Chief of Police, Fugaku meets with the clan to discuss what to do about this. Kinoko suggests they win people's trust - after all she has recently married a non Uchiha civilian. Fugaku agrees with the plan, and the rest of the clan skeptically agrees to try it. It goes well for a while._

 _But everything changes when the Nine Tails attacks._

 _For some reason, after the attack, rumors spread across the village that the Uchiha clan staged the attack in an attempt to kill the Hokage and seize power. Now all the hard work the Uchiha clan put into bonding with the village has been undone. People see them as traitors, monsters, evil. The clan calls for a coup d'etat. Unable to talk them out of it, Fugaku is forced to go along with the plan._

 _Then word spreads across the village that the nine tails is alive. It is imprisoned inside Naruto Uzumaki, the only child born the day the fox attacked. He has no parents, no blood relations, and soon the village believes he is the fox reborn as a human child. As a result, some of the hate directed towards the Uchiha clan lessens._

 _But still the clan will not back down. Itachi and Shisui work with the Hokage to try and stop the coup. Through some careful spying, Fugaku learns that if the clan does not abandon the coup they may face total annihilation. Having given up trying to talk the clan out of it, Fugaku hopes that Lord Third, Shisui and Itachi will find a way to stop the coup._

 _Fugaku wonders if he could stop the coup, if only he could find the right words to convince the clan._

 _And then one day, while he is mulling over his problem, Kinoko shoves Naruto into Fugaku's office. From the moment he steps in the door, Naruto does not stop talking. He manages to get right past Fugaku's defenses - close enough to touch - and starts inspecting Fugaku's paperwork. Fugaku is overcome by a splitting headache and drinks his tea in one go._

 _Naruto must've drugged it while inspecting the paperwork, because Fugaku wakes a few hours later with a mustache drawn on his face. He discovers after some sleuthing that Naruto and Hinata orchestrated and executed a plot to drug and draw mustaches on everyone in the police station. Shisui discovered them, and it would have been game over if he had not decided to help them._

 _Fugaku does not wash his mustache off right away and while it is still on his face he feels different, stronger. He does not feel quite right after he washes the fake mustache off and asks Mikoto if he can grow a real one. She laughs and tells him he can, but he'll owe her one in the future - she'll call in the favour when she needs it. So Fugaku grows his mustache._

 _Then Fugaku calls a meeting of the clan, at which Itachi and Shisui are present. He speaks to the clan, persuading them that a coup is a bad idea. Some are still doubtful, but after he tells them they could all die, or plunge the world into war if they continue down their current path, enough people change their minds for him to feel confident in banning any coup d'etat._

 _The clan puts more effort into being accepted than they ever did before the nine tails attack. Because Fugaku did not keep Hinata and Naruto's role in things a secret, the clan puts up with their antics and protects Naruto as much as they can. They cannot be everywhere at once, and Naruto is still abused by the villagers. The clan marvels at how he is so cheerful despite how he is treated. He inspires them to keep on trying, to keep moving forward. If Naruto can hold on to the dream of being accepted, so can the Uchiha clan._

 _Slowly but surely, the Uchiha clan is being accepted. And now, people are starting to see Naruto in a more positive light too._

* * *

Naruto stands with his back pressed against the wall, shaking. Sparky lays his head against Naruto's cheek.

That prank with the mustaches saved the Uchiha clan? Naruto had no idea. He knew the Uchiha clan was generally a lot happier after the prank, but _this_? Naruto does not know what to think.

"So that's why…" whispers Sasuke. "He saved the clan…"

"Yes," says Mr. Nice Hokage. "That is why. Now I have to go: I have a meeting or something. I will bring Eizo to see you later. He won't shut up unless I do."

Naruto hears Mr. Nice Hokage walk to the door. Naruto does not move, he just stares up at Mr. Nice Hokage.

Mr. Nice Hokage walks past him, seemingly not noticing Naruto standing there. But then he stops with his back to Naruto and says quietly, "Well, now you know."

 _He knew I was here all along!_ Naruto realizes as Mr. Nice Hokage walks away.


	131. A New Mission

Arashi sits quietly in the Hokage's office, waiting for the promised meeting. The Hokage is not late, Arashi is early. Arashi fidgets like a bored Naruto.

Finally, Lord Fugaku arrives and sits down. "Wassup?" he asks, sticking his feet on the desk.

"Um…" Arashi is not sure what to say. He was not expecting Lord Fugaku to be so blatantly informal.

"Oh right, sorry," says Lord Fugaku, taking his feet off the desk and sitting up straight. "How may I help?"

Arashi straightens up and says, "I would like permission to travel to each of the Hidden Whirlpool storage vaults to further my research."

"I figured you would ask sooner or later," says Lord Fugaku, all seriousness. "If you are to make a proper study of the Whirlpool storage vaults, you will need to take someone who can get into them with you."

"So... Iruka?"

"Yes," says Lord Fugaku. "I'll make him the squad leader for your bodyguard squad. You will need one of those too."

Arashi thinks about this and asks, "Wouldn't that draw attention to me, though? If I'm surrounded by bodyguards it would be like painting a target on my back."

"You are researching the Hidden Whirlpool," says Lord Fugaku. "There is already a target on your back. Now do you have anyone you would like to be in you bodyguard detail?"

"How about Naruto?" asks Arashi, remembering Naruto's interest in his research. "He's always asking what I've found out about the Hidden Whirlpool."

Lord Fugaku rests his chin on his hands thoughtfully and thinks about that for a longs time. Finally he says, "Well, he is a chunin now, so he needs to get some more experience. Besides, if we don't let him go he'll make all our lives miserable." Lord Fugaku shudders. "I don't know about you, but I like my house the colour it is."

Arashi laughs. "My kitchen is five different colours and the front door is orange," he tells the Hokage. "Not to mention that last time we upset Naruto by not letting him eat ramen for every meal, he painted the word 'ramen' all over our bedroom ceiling in every loud, gaudy, fluorescent colour he could get his hands on."

"That...is the stuff nightmares are made of."

"Yes...Naruto better come on this trip."

"It's a good thing Iruka will be there," sighs Lord Fugaku. "But who else should I assign to the team?"

Arashi, not really caring, says, "You don't have to decide now do you? There will be time before I leave."

"Of course," nods Lord Fugaku. "When will you leave?"

"A week from today, I think," decides Arashi. "That'll give me plenty of time to prepare."

* * *

Naruto is busy practicing on his violin when Grandpa bursts through the door with Iruka-nii in tow. "Naruto," asks Grandpa, smiling. "How would you like to come with us on a trip to the Whirlpool Storage Vaults?"

"You're going to the Temples, 'tebayo?" Naruto asks, ceasing his practice in favour of staring at his Grandpa.

"Well I am researching the Whirlpool," says Grandpa. "So the Hokage gave me permission to go to the Temples. I need a team of Shinobi to protect me on the road, though."

"I'm leading the team," says Iruka-nii. "Because I know how to get into the Vaults. We thought you'd like to come, so do you want to be on my team for this mission?"

"YES!" Naruto shouts, sticking his hands, violin and all, into the air. Then Naruto remembers something. "Who else is on the team?"

"Just us so far," says Iruka. "We need to fill two more places."

"Naruto, why did you stop practicing?" demands Grandma, marching into the music room.

"I'm going to the Whirlpool, dattebayo!"

Grandma sighs, an expression of resignation on her face. "So you got permission, then Arashi?"

"Yes, and the Hokage made Iruka team leader for my bodyguard detail," says Grandpa.

"While I am glad you are getting a bodyguard detail," sighs Grandma. "Why does it have to be Naruto and Iruka?"

"Because I can get in the storage vaults and Naruto will kick up a fuss if we don't bring him," says Iruka-nii, grinning.

"So who else are you taking?" asks Pervy Sage, ducking through the doorway. He must've overheard and come to butt in.

"We are still looking for team members," says Iruka-nii stiffly.

"Can I come then?" asks Pervy Sage.

"NO!" Both Kazama and Iruka yell at the same time, glaring at Pervy Sage.

Kazama grabs Pervy Sage's left ear and yells, "You have to stay here and bond with Kimiko!"

"I have things I want to teach Naruto on the trip," says Iruka-nii, grabbing Pervy Sage's right ear. "And I don't want you butting in!"

"Yeah," agrees Naruto, crossing his arms and nodding. "You have to stay here and bond with Kimiko so I can bond with Iruka-nii. You'll just get in the way of our brother bonding."

"Isn't he your uncle?" asks Pervy Sage, sounding genuinely confused.

"He was my brother first, 'tebayo," says Naruto. "And brothers are for life."

"Damn straight," agrees Iruka-nii. "And I'll be choosing my own team members."

* * *

Neji and his father sneak through the grass towards the darkened house. Both are dressed completely in black and are wearing black hoods and masks. They blend in perfectly with the midnight darkness around them. Neji hears a slight noise from the house and freezes. His father pauses for a moment before continuing. Neji follows, nervous that they will be spotted. Finally, they reach the target's bedroom window.

Neji and his father exchange nervous looks.

"You do it!" Neji's father mouths, jerking his thumb at the window.

Neji shakes his head furiously and mouths, "You're the adult!"

Neji's father rolls his eyes and reaches up to tap on the window. He barely makes a sound, and tries again, a little louder. Neji and his father crouch on the wall by the window and wait. There is no sound from the second story room their target is in. Neji's father taps again and whispers, "PSST!"

Neji hears the sound of sheets rustling, followed by footsteps, then one of the curtains slides open, followed by the window. A moment later, Naruto leans out, a panda hat on his head and sleep still in his eyes. Then Naruto leans too far and falls out of the window.

Quick as a flash, Neji's father catches Naruto by the ankle and shoves him back inside. Neji's dad then jumps inside himself and pulls Neji after him.

Naruto, seemingly oblivious to nearly falling, rubs his eyes and mumbles, "Wadda ya want, 'tebayo?"

Neji lowers his mask and says, "Naruto, it's me, Neji!"

Naruto blinks at Neji, then squints at him and his father. "What are you doing at my house in the middle of the night?"

"Naruto," says Neji's father, pulling down his own mask. "No one can know we were here, or find out about what we discuss here."

Naruto's face lights up. "A mystery!" he whispers, giggling conspiratorially. "And an awesome secret! Tell me, tell me, tell me! I won't tell anyone, 'tebayo!"

"Your family specializes in fuuinjutsu, right?" asks Neji.

"Yes," nods Naruto, crossing his arms and screwing up his eyes.

"Do you think you or Iruka could remove Neji's Caged Bird Seal?" asks Neji's father.

"Hmmmm…" Naruto thinks hard for a minute. Then he shrugs. "I probably can't, but Iruka-nii might be able to do it."

"Do what?" asks Iruka, materializing out of the shadows.

"How long have you been there?!" exclaims Neji's father, taking a step backwards.

"Somewhere between two suspicious people sneaking up on Naruto's bedroom window and did you really think I wouldn't have the place thoroughly sealed that I know whenever an ant so much as breathes the air in the garden?"

Neji's father gulps. "That's…"

"Overboard?"

"Yeah…"

"No. It is not," says Iruka, crossing his arms. "If you had been enemies and not just a couple of Leaf ninjas looking for assistance and I did not have this place carefully alarmed Naruto could have been kidnapped and be outside the village by now. It happened to his mother, it could easily happen to him."

"Oh."

"So...are we going to help Neji, 'tebayo?" asks Naruto.

"Yes, I think we will," says Iruka.

"So will we figure out the caged Bird Seal before or after the mission with Grandpa?" asks Naruto.

"Neither," says Iruka. "Neji, you are coming with me on a mission outside the Hidden Leaf. During that time I will look into removing the Caged Bird Seal. But be forewarned: it might be irremovable."


	132. Chaos Over Breakfast

Itachi wakes up with the sun, as per usual. She yawns and wonders what's for breakfast, as per usual. Thankfully, she does not feel sick this morning, that's a relief. 16 out of 40 weeks down before she can eject the tiny human from her body. Itachi shudders remembering the horror stories she has heard about labour. No wonder her Dad is so pissed at Shisui. It's his fault she's going through all this. Well, it is also Itachi's fault, since she-

What's that?

Itachi leaps up, pulling out one of the kunai she keeps by her bed, and takes a defensive stance on her pillow, her back to the wall. Itachi activates her sharingan and scans the room, searching for the source of the strange chakra signature.

Then she finds it and screams, partly out of surprise and partly out of hormones. Itachi does not scream. Not ever.

A moment later Itachi's Dad bursts into the room, sword in hand, still ruffled and in his pyjamas. His rinnegan are spinning wildly. "What happened?" he asks. "Who's in here? Whose is that chakra?"

Itachi, suddenly feeling cuddly, jumps lightly off her bed and attaches herself to her Dad. "I think it's my baby's chakra," she says, still shocked by the realization.

"Your baby…?" her Dad sounds like he is trying to process what she said, as if he never even knew she was pregnant or something.

"Yes," says Itachi, looking up at her dad. "What's for breakfast?" Suddenly hit by a craving, Itachi adds, "I want pizza."

"What flavour?" asks her Dad.

Itachi thinks about this. "Make me one with lemon, goats' cheese and potato chips on it."

"Do you want sauce with that?"

"Mmmm...yes. Tomato sauce."

"Alright, let's go make you a pizza," says Itachi's dad, steering her to the kitchen. He sits her down at the dining table and makes pizza, adding miscellaneous meat and pickles, dressings and whatever else Itachi decides she wants on that pizza.

When the pizza is finished, Itachi digs in while her father vanishes for a few minutes before reappearing in full battle gear. "Where are you going?" Itachi asks through a mouthful of pizza.

To her surprise, Itachi's Dad starts singing to the tune of 'We're Going on a Bear Hunt': "I'm going on a Shisui hunt, a Shisui hunt, a Shisui hunt. I'm going on a Shisui hunt, and he is gonna die!" Itachi's Dad pats her on the head and marches out the door, repeating his ditty as he goes.

Itachi shrugs and goes back to her pizza.

* * *

The day of The Mission dawns bright and clear. Naruto leaps out of bed and goes through everything he packed for the tenth time to make sure he hasn't forgotten anything. Spare undies? Check. Spare weapons? Double check. Scroll for extra storage? Check. Stash of ramen and snacks? Check. Togs for the planned beach party? Check. Violin so he can practice whenever he gets the chance? Check. Food for Sparky, who is coming whether he likes it or not? Check. His notes for the time-stopping seal? Check. Civilian disguise? Check. Extra sealing materials? Check. Something is missing. Oh right! Naruto changes out of his pyjamas and packs those too. Everything is sealed neatly into the seals on his arms and legs. Naruto zips up his brand new orange chunin vest and nods to himself.

Satisfied, Naruto heads downstairs for breakfast. Sparky flies from his perch on top of Naruto's drawers and follows Naruto to breakfast.

Since it is so early, only Iruka-nii and Grandpa are there. Everyone else (Pervy Sage, Kimiko, the cat, Grandma) is still sleeping.

"Do you have a fourth team member yet?" Grandpa is asking Iruka-nii.

"Not yet," says Iruka-nii. "But it hardly matters. We can recruit some poor sap at the mission office before we leave. Oh, good morning Naruto."

Naruto grabs and scoffs down three cups of instant ramen before Iruka catches on and stops him. Naruto is impressed that he managed to get down three cups. Usually he gets three steps towards the ramen before he is caught. Iruka-nii is a lot less strict about the ramen than Grandma.

"I think that is enough ramen for now," says Iruka-nii, taking the fourth cup of instant ramen out of Naruto's hands and putting it back in the cupboard. "Have some fruit, or something mildly healthy."

Naruto sighs and grabs an apple.

* * *

Kazama sees Arashi, Naruto and Iruka off, making sure they have everything they need. Once they are gone, Sparky and all, Kazama heads back inside the house to get herself some breakfast. Since she is the only one up, Kazama feels absolutely no guilt whatsoever about eating six cups of instant ramen for breakfast. Then she feels slightly guilty about not having anything healthy to go with her breakfast and eats a couple of apples.

Being a good role model is hard work. Hard work should be rewarded with ramen.

* * *

 _CRASH!_

Shisui wakes up the instant his bedroom window breaks. For a moment, all he sees is glass shards flying across the room, then Lord Fugaku lands with both feet squarely on the floor, a sword in his hand and his sunglasses off, revealing his glowing purple rinnegan. Shisui screams and falls off his bed.

"Die," says Lord Fugaku oh-so-calmly.

Shisui bolts out the door, Fugaku in hot pursuit. Shisui makes a beeline for his apartment door - this is not a fight or flight situation. This is a RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! situation. So Shisui does the smart thing and runs.

But where to hide from the all-seeing rinnegan? There is no hiding from the Hokage in the Hidden Leaf.

Shisui shunshins randomly around the village, trying to shake Lord Fugaku off his tail. When he feels like he has lost Lord Fugaku for the time being, Shisui shunshins straight into the mission office. He needs to get out of the village for a while.

"Um...good morning, Shisui," says the man sitting behind the mission desk. "Are you feeling alright?"

Shisui wonders if he looks as freaked out as he feels. "NO!" he says. "I need to get out of the village! The Chief's trying to kill me again!"

"Um..okay…"

"Do you have a mission? I need to leave right away!" Shisui is practically hopping from one foot to the other with nerves.

"Are you sure you're not drunk or something?" says the desk-man. "I think I better get you a breath-test…"

"I'm not drunk," says Shisui, pleading now. "I am being hunted by an angry Lord Fugaku! Please, I need to get out of the village!"

"I think I'd better call security…" the desk-man gets up to go and find security.

The door to the mission office crashes open, and Shisui, scared that it might be Lord Fugaku, attaches himself to the desk-man. Fortunately for Shisui, it is not Fugaku who bursts through the door. It is Naruto.

"Hey!" he yells. Then he sees Shisui, who is still clinging to the desk-man shaking. "Hi Shisui, is Mr. Nice Hokage trying to kill you again?"

"Yes," says Shisui, nodding.

Arashi, Iruka and Neji Hyuuga enter the room but stay silent. Arashi grins, Iruka looks like he's trying not to laugh and Neji just stares.

"Nice pyjamas, 'tebayo," says Naruto, pulling Shisui away from the desk-man. "I think you'd better come with us on our mission."

Shisui stares at Naruto, confused. Pyjamas…?

Shisui looks down at himself. He is indeed wearing his pyjamas. But not just any pyjamas - not even the boxer shorts he usually wears to bed. No, he just had to be wearing the onesie Itachi got him for his birthday as a joke. It is covered in ducks. Rubber ducks, cartoon ducks and realistic ducks. And it's pink. It is ghastly. But Shisui wears it because Itachi got it for him and it's super comfy (like Itachi's boobies). "Itachi got me this as a joke," Shisui says.

Iruka laughs out loud. Naruto joins in and falls to the floor - he's obviously been holding it in since he saw Shisui's onesie.

Then the second thing Naruto said registers in Shisui's mind. "Wait, you're going on a mission?"

"Yes," says Iruka, grinning. "We came to the mission office to recruit some poor sap to be our fourth team member. You are in the mission office needing to get out of the village until Lord Fugaku calms down. So how about you join our team?"

"YES!" shouts Shisui. "Let's go already!" He rushes out of the mission office, followed by Naruto. Shisui rushes to the gates, Naruto following. Neji and Iruka catch up with Arashi a few minutes after they reach the gates. It seems Iruka used shunshin to get himself and Arashi to the gates.

"Alright team, let's head out," says Iruka, leading the way out of the village.

To Shisui's surprise, Arashi follows. "So...what's the mission?" asks Shisui.


	133. Second Breakfast

"So that's the mission," says Shisui, looking stunned. "I accidently got the perfect mission to keep me away from Lord Fugaku."

"Are you going to change out of your pjs any time soon?" asks Neji, crossly. "I feel like I'm about to go blind."

"But…" Shisui stammers, looking mortified. "I didn't bring anything else!"

Arashi smiles. "It's alright, Naruto is a walking arsenal, so he has spare weapons you can use, right Naruto?"

"Yeah," says Naruto, grinning. "Me and Iruka-nii have got plenty of weapons to share with you, 'tebayo."

Arashi turns to look back at Shisui and instantly regrets his decision. He bursts out laughing because of how ridiculous Shisui looks: tousled bed head, bright pink duck onesie and bare feet. He does not look like a ninja.

"Ah, my eyes!" says Naruto falling over and pretending to be blinded by the sight of Shisui.

"But I didn't bring any clothes!" whines Shisui.

"That's okay," says Arashi, smiling. "I'm sure we can scrounge up something for you to wear between us."

This proves easier said than done, as both Naruto and Neji are too small to donate their spare clothing toward the 'Get Shisui Out of That Eyesore' cause, and Iruka and Arashi are different sizes to Shisui.

After trying and failing to fit into most of Iruka and Arashi's spare clothes, Shisui whines, "Don't you have anything, anything at all, that will fit me?"

Arashi didn't want to have to do it, but he has no choice. He sighs and says,  
"There is one outfit I have that might fit, but it's not really mission clothing."

"I don't care," says Shisui desperately. "So long as it's not going to blind everyone around me!"

Arashi is reluctant to let Shisui borrow this particular set of clothing, but anything is better than having to look at that pink duck onesie. Arashi takes a deep breath and fishes in his bag, which was sealed into a scroll in Naruto's pocket. He pulls out the clothing in question and hands it over to Shisui.

Shisui takes the clothing and stares at it. "This isn't much better," he says doubtfully.

"Grandpa clothes or pink onesie," says Iruka sternly. "Choose."

"I...I'll just change real quick," says Shisui, and changes faster than he runs from Lord Fugaku. Soon he is wearing a blue beach shirt with big, gold flowers on it and tan plaid beach shorts. "I honestly feel just as conspicuous."

"But at least you won't burn anyone's retinas now," says Neji, glaring at the offending onesie with his byakugan activated.

"I still don't have any shoes though," says Shisui, who is very barefoot.

"There's a shop just down that road," says Iruka, grinning. "I think they sell shoes. We can get you some there now that you are dressed like a normal person."

"I don't feel normal," grumbles Shisui, for once acting his age rather than Arashi's.

Naruto laughs. "That's because you're not normal. Normal people don't annoy the Chief of Police by knocking up his underage daughter then admitting they've been having sex for the past two years."

Neji holds out a water bottle to Shisui.

"What's that?" asks Shisui, frowning at Neji.

"Some cool water for that burn," says Neji.

"I think we just became best friends," says Naruto, grinning at Neji.

"Yeah," agrees Neji, grinning back and exchanging a fist bump with Naruto.

"Alright," says Iruka, pulling out a scroll. "Let's get you equipped. What do you need?"

"Kunai, shuriken and a tanto," replies Shisui.

"Naruto?"

Naruto pulls out a scroll and opens it. A second later, a tanto appears. "Here you go," he says, handing it to Shisui.

Shisui takes the tanto and straps it to his back. Iruka tosses his scroll to Shisui, who catches it. "What's in this one?" he asks.

"Kunai and shuriken," says Iruka. "One seal for kunai, one for shuriken. I'm sure you can figure the rest out yourself. Now let's get you some shoes."

Arashi grins as he watches Iruka seal everything they pulled out in the effort to make Shisui look human back into sealing scrolls. "You should get some undies at the shop too, if they have them," suggests Arashi. "You can't wear the same undies for the whole trip. That's unhygienic."

Shisui sighs. "You sound like my Mum," he mutters.

Iruka leads the group down a nearby road to a roadside shop, where they sell all sorts of things that travellers might need, including food.

"Hey Grandpa, can we have second breakfast?" asks Naruto eagerly.

"Sure, why not?" agrees Arashi, who feels a bit peckish himself.

"It's first breakfast for me," says Shisui.

"Oi, you!" says the shopkeeper, waving his broom at Shisui. "Can't come in here unless you have footwear on! We don't want people sneaking out with our merchandise."

Shisui looks down at his bare feet sadly. "Why didn't I do a transformation?" he sighs.

"Don't worry," says Naruto. "We'll just get you some shoes and then you can go in." He takes a wad of money out of Arashi's pocket darts, into the shop grabs a pair of jandals, pays for them and is back out of the shop before Arashi can even react to having his money nicked.

"That was fast," comments Iruka.

"It runs in my blood," says Naruto, holding up the jandals for Shisui to take. "These are for you."

"They're orange." Shisui looks surprised for some reason. Of course Naruto got orange ones.

"You don't like them?" asks Naruto, his face crumpling into a mournful pout.

Shisui takes the jandals and says, "I like them!" he insists. "I'm just surprised you found orange-"

"WHY?" ask Iruka and Arashi simultaneously.

Shisui blushes and puts on the jandals. Then he takes them off again, removes the labels and puts them back on. "Well, they fit nicely, thanks Naruto."

"Where's that bird of yours?" asks Neji suddenly. "He was with us when we left the village."

Naruto looks around. "Sparky?" he calls. "SPARKY!" Naruto runs off, yelling for Sparky.

Arashi wonders where Sparky disappears to all the time. "Maybe we should get that bird a leash," he suggests.

"He used to have one," says Iruka. "But it mysteriously vanished one day. Ironically, that was right before he started vanishing for days at a time."

"Let's get a leash," says Arashi, heading into the shop. "Naruto will be gutted if he loses Sparky on this trip."

Naruto returns with Sparky held tightly in his arms. "Grandpa, why does Sparky keep running off?"

"Maybe he's looking for something," says Iruka, herding Naruto, Neji and Shisui into the shop. "But we can't have him wandering off and getting lost, so we are going to put him on a leash on this trip."

Sparky freezes and Arashi suddenly feels cruel. But he buys a leash and harness anyway and tries to put them on Sparky. Sparky struggles, trying to beat his wings, and squawking loudly.

Naruto responds to Sparky's distress by stepping backwards and getting teary-eyed. "Do you really have to put a leash on Sparky?" he whines. "He doesn't need one, does he?"

"Naruto, it's just for the trip," says Arashi. "Sparky is obviously trying to go somewhere, but we can't afford to lose him. If he gets caught by the wrong people bad things will happen to him. I'm sorry, but this is necessary. We can help him get where he wants to go later, okay?"

Naruto unwillingly takes the harness and leash and puts them on Sparky. "Sorry Sparky," he says. "But I don't want anything bad to happen to you." Thankfully, Sparky allows Naruto to put the harness on him. Naruto loops the end of Sparky's leash around his wrist and starts sulking.

Arashi sighs and buys some food to cheer them all up.

Once they are finished eating, Arashi and his bodyguards head back to the path they are supposed to be taking to the first of the four storage archives: the Temple of Steve. The Temple of Steve is remarkably close to the Hidden Leaf, and is used to store artifacts and weapons. Arashi is looking forward to seeing it.

After walking for some way, Iruka calls a halt and says, "This is where we leave the road."

"Is there a path to the archive?" asks Shisui.

"Of course not," says Iruka. "We don't want anyone knowing where it is." Iruka leads them through the forest, with Sparky sitting dejectedly on Naruto's shoulder. Every so often, Iruka stops, checks their surroundings and changes direction slightly. "Neji," says Iruka, stopping suddenly. "Scan the terrain due West."

Neji activates his byakugan. "I see 40-50 people camped close by," says Neji. "If we keep heading west we will run into them."

"We need to get past them," says Iruka. "And we can't afford to be spotted. Whoever they are, they are between us and the Temple of Steve."


	134. The Temple of Steve

"Keep your head down!" Iruka hisses, pushing Arashi's head down so that he is completely hidden.

"Can't we go further away from them?" whispers Arashi, who is obviously not liking all the sneaking around.

"No, they are too close to the Temple," whispers Iruka, looking around to make sure they were not spotted. "If we go too far away from them we will miss it and have to back-track."

"Freeze," whispers Neji.

The four ninjas and the historian they are escorting freeze, hidden in amongst the shrubs and bushes. A ball bounces through the bushes near their position, and a moment later a grubby, barefoot kid pounces on it and runs back to the camp with the ball, giggling the whole way.

Once the kid is back in the camp, Iruka signals the Team to keep moving.

"There's movement in the camp!" Neji whispers. "I think that kid noticed us!"

"Damn!" curses Iruka. "Move, now!" He herds the team through the shrubbery, keeping to a crouch but moving much faster than before.

"They're searching for us," reports Neji.

Naruto grabs Arashi's hand and floats up into the air, taking Arashi with him. "Let's go at ninja speed," he says.

"Follow me," says Iruka, and runs through the trees as ninja team follows, with Naruto, Sparky and Arashi flying in the rear. The Temple of Steve is close by, but Iruka wonders if they really will be able to hide there. He does not know much about the Temple of Steve, having only been there once before with his parents. It was a few years after the fall of the Whirlpool when Iruka's parents took him to the Temple of Steve, but they did not take him into the actual vault. Unless Iruka's team can get into the vault, their pursuers will catch them.

"They're catching up," reports Neji. "I think they might be trained shinobi."

"But they have such a small child with them," says Arashi, not quite believing that the camp of people could be a group of shinobi.

"Children that young become ninjas from time to time," says Iruka, remembering that Kakashi became a ninja at the age of five and the legendary sannin became ninjas at the age of six. "Besides, they could be survivors from one of the smaller shinobi villages that get destroyed from time to time. No matter who they are, we need to stay away from them."

"But why, though?" asks Naruto. "Wouldn't it be easier to just say 'hi' and walk right on past without making a huge deal about sneaking around in the bushes?"

Iruka searches his stash of common sense for a reasonable argument. He finds none that will satisfy Naruto, and instead goes with the stupidest reason he can find: "It's because we're ninjas, and ninjas sneak around."

"Well why didn't you just say that," mutters Naruto. "Instead of all that stuff about endangering the mission?"

"That was to convince everyone else," says Iruka, quite patiently. "Most people need more substantial reasons to do things than you do."

Iruka can see Naruto processing this information. Then Naruto says, "Is that why it takes ages to convince people to do stuff?"

"Yes Naruto, that is exactly why." Iruka is surprised by Naruto's intuition. It seems Naruto is starting to understand how normal people think. Maybe one day Naruto will be one of those rare Uzumakis who can effectively teach others. He was surprisingly coherent when he taught Iruka how to use the Earthquake seal for the advanced test, after all. Iruka sees the Temple up ahead and leaps down from the trees to lead the Team through the undergrowth.

"Is that run-down building the Temple?" asks Neji, scanning the way ahead with his byakugan.

"Yes," confirms Iruka. "That is the Temple of Steve. Is there anyone nearby?"

"Only the people behind us," says Neji. "The Temple is abandoned."

Iruka leads the Team to the Temple, signalling the others to tread lightly so as not to leave a trail. Soon, they reach the temple.

"What a rundown, rotten old shack," comments Arashi, and pulls out a camera to take pictures. "Are they all like this?" he asks, snapping photographs left and right.

"This isn't the actual archive," says Iruka. "This is just a shrine to the shinigami that was built over the vault itself-" Iruka cuts off his budding lecture and says, "Now isn't the time for that! Get inside!" He pushes Arashi into the Temple, where Naruto has already gone. Shisui and Neji bring up the rear.

Arashi keeps taking photos, his eyes shining in fascination.

Iruka and the rest of the shinobi look around the temple. The Temple of Steve has a wooden floor, and a raised area at the back, above which hands a display of masks made in the likeness of Steve. All except one of the masks do not accurately represent Steve. Iruka vaguely remembers that that mask is for summoning Steve. The other masks have a purpose, but Iruka cannot remember the exact purpose of each mask.

"Look for a switch or something," Iruka instructs the Team. "We need to open the door to the vault."

"What if our pursuers find out how to get in too?" asks Shisui skeptically. "There's no point hiding if it will just make us sitting ducks."

"All the temples have security measures in place so that no one can enter or exit unless they are of either Uzumaki or Umino blood. The Temple of Steve is unique in that so long as the door is open, anyone can go in and out. If we can get in and seal the door, we will be safe for a while."

Naruto, completely ignoring Iruka, grabs one of the masks off the rack and puts it on. "Hehe, I look like Steve now!" he giggles.

"Naruto, put that down, it might kill you!" says Iruka, freaking out.

Arashi unhelpfully takes a photo of Naruto with the mask on.

"Why would a mask of Steve kill me?" Naruto asks.

Iruka, ignoring Shisui and Neji who are freaking out behind him, says, "Firstly, that's not even the mask that looks like Steve. Secondly, any one of those masks has the potential to suck your soul right out of your body."

"But I'm not dead yet, so it must be alright."

 _Click! Click!_ Goes Arashi's camera as Arashi takes photos of whatever it is that Neji and Shisui are freaking out about.

"Just because you aren't dead yet, it doesn't mean that nothing will happen to you," lectures Iruka.

"Um...Captain?" says Shisui, nervously.

"WHAT?" demands Iruka, turning around. He is not happy about being interrupted mid-lecture.

Shisui points to the floor.

Except there is no floor, just a gaping hole revealing a staircase leading down into darkness.

"That happened when Naruto put on the mask," says Shisui.

Iruka blinks. "Putting on that mask opens the door?' he says, dumbfounded. "This temple must've been built by an Uzumaki."

Arashi laughs. "Why are you surprised about that?"

"If the Uzumaki clan was still going strong like in the days of the Whirlpool, they would accept you as one of their own in seconds," says Iruka, sighing.

"Well, he is my Grandpa," says Naruto, heading straight for the dark stairway. "So they'd better."

Shisui pulls out a flood lamp and heads down after Naruto.

"Hey, where did you get that?" asks Neji, following. "Didn't you have no equipment?"

"I pickpocketed it off Arashi," says Shisui.

"Keep holding it for me so I can take pictures of everything," says Arashi, heading down the stairs and taking photos of along the way.

Iruka brings up the rear, but not before taking the mask off Naruto's face and putting it back on the display. Once the mask is back on the display, the floor starts to slide back into place. Iruka has plenty of time to get far enough down the stair that the floor won't hit him in the face though. At least they are safe now, Iruka thinks as the floor above him slides back into place.

As soon as the floor is back in place, a patchwork of seals lights up the staircase. "Guess I don't need this," says Shisui, turning off the flood lamp.

The Team escorts Arashi down the stairway, stopping every few steps while he takes another round of photos. Finally, they reach the bottom of the stairs. Iruka can hear the sound of footsteps above them, and motions to the Team to be quiet. Arashi lowers his camera and stares at the storage vault in awe. The vault is a huge underground cavern, carved out of stone into a huge hall. Rows of weapons and equipment are carefully arranged in display cases that shield them from the wear of time. Uniforms, weapons and weapon-scrolls are all jumbled up with no discernable order in how they are arranged. Iruka is not surprised.

"Wow, the uniforms are orange!" says Naruto, staring at one of the Whirlpool Jounin uniforms, which are mostly orange, but with blue vests. They are surprisingly un-glaring on the eyes. Iruka wonders how it is possible to have much orange and not burn everyone's retinas. Then he glances at Naruto, who is wearing orange pants, an orange chunin vest and a blue t shirt. Then he sees the Whirlpool chunin uniform. "Look, Naruto," he says, pointing to the chunin uniform. "The old Whirlpool chunin uniform is just like what you are wearing."

"Awesome!" says Naruto, his eyes shining. "So much orange!"

"Well, Orange is the Uzumaki clan colour," says Iruka, grinning.

Naruto grins, his eyes shining and sparkling. Arashi darts in and out of the rows of equipment and takes photos of pretty much everything.

"Are you sure we are safe in here?" asks Neji. "Those two who chased us have picked up the mask Naruto put on."

Shisui pulls out a kunai. "What's the bet they are Whirlpool survivors?"

"Not high," says Iruka. "Not many people survived the fall of the Hidden Whirlpool. One of them might be of Whirlpool descent."

The floor slides open and the sound of footsteps echoes down the stairway. Feet enter Iruka's field of vision, followed by legs, then torsos, then two heads. The two red haired men stop on the bottom steps and cross their arms, cocking their heads and grinning wickedly. "What are you doing in our temple?" asks the man on the left.

And that is when Iruka remembers something very, very important.


	135. A Hairy Situation

Sasuke is bored. All she has to do is lie there and heal. She can't sit up yet, or she will break something, probably. Her bandages are stiff, but at least she isn't wearing a hospital gown. Sasuke's Dad bought her new pyjamas so she wouldn't have to wear the hospital gown. Sasuke is not sure how to feel about that. The pyjamas are slightly too big and a bit childish, but they fit comfortably around Sasuke's bandages and casts. Sasuke traces one of the cats on her pyjama top with her finger and thinks about her kitten. Sasuke misses her kitten.

The door to Sasuke's room opens and her father walks in with a backpack on one shoulder. "Hey Sasuke," he says. "Feeling any better?"

"No," says Sasuke. "Just bored."

"I brought you some things to do," says her Dad, grinning, and putting the bag on her bed beside her.

"Like what?" pouts Sasuke. "I can barely move."

Sasuke's Dad grins and opens the backpack. A tiny, grey, fluffy face pokes out.

"Peanut!" says Sasuke, grinning.

"I thought his name wasn't Peanut?"

Sasuke blushes and sticks her bottom lip out. "I can't think of anything better."

Sasuke's Dad lifts Peanut out of the backpack and puts him on the bed. Peanut climbs onto Sasuke's pillow and curls up By Sasuke's face. Great. Now there is fur in her eyes.

Sasuke's Dad pulls a lava lamp out of the bag and sets it up on the table beside Sasuke's bed. He switches it on and says, "Apparently these things are good for staring at for hours on end without getting bored."

Sasuke pouts and looks away to hide how happy she is. Lava lamps are the thing to have. Peanut starts purring and snuggles closer to Sasuke's head.

"How are we getting on in here?" asks a nurse, smiling her way into the room.

Sasuke's Dad tries to stand between the nurse and Peanut. Unfortunately, the nurse sees Peanut.

"Mroww," says Peanut, snuggling closer to Sasuke.

"Why is there a cat in here?" asks the nurse calmly.

"That's a Peanut," says Sasuke's Dad, quite seriously.

"That is a kitten, and you will remove it from this hospital before it spreads its outside germs everywhere," says the nurse, severely.

Peanut jumps up onto Sasuke's Dad's shoulder and clings to the back of his Hokage cloak. Peanut looks over Sasuke's Dad's shoulder and stares at the nurse challengingly.

"Get. That. Animal. Out. Of. The. Hospital." the nurse orders through gritted teeth.

An ANBU lands on the window sill. "Lord Hokage, there is a message for you from the Hidden Sand. Please return to the Hokage Tower."

Sasuke's Dad ruffles her hair and says, "I'll be back later, kid." Then he follows the ANBU back out the window, with Peanut still clinging to his shoulder.

* * *

Naruto watches the two men from the camp appear on the stairs. One has long red hair and the other has short red hair. The two of them cross their arms and grin. They must be friendly. "What are you doing in our temple?" asks Short Hair.

"Your temple?" says Naruto's Grandpa, snapping a picture of the two men. "So then are you the Temple Guards?"

The two men look surprised. "Not quite.."

"YOUR HAIR IS AWESOME!" Yells Naruto, darting forward to get a better look. "IT'S JUST LIKE OKAMI-SAMA'S HAIR, BUT REDDER!" Naruto stopped calling Karin's mum 'Karin's Mum' after she told him to call her 'Okami-Sama'. Naruto knows better than to disobey the queen.

"Oh, thank you," says the man. "My mother gave me this hair."

"Aw," pouts Naruto. "Why couldn't my mum give me her hair? Then I'd have red hair too."

"Your mum?"

"Yeah," says Naruto. "So are you the Temple Guards?"

"No, we're members of the Order of Steve," replies Long Hair. "We serve Steve the Shinigami."

"Ooooh, Steve did mention something about having some pretty cool followers," says Naruto, nodding. "Of course, he was arguing with Joe over whose followers are cooler."

"Who are you, child?" asks Long Hair.

"Naruto Uzumaki, dattebayo."

"..." Long Hair and Short Hair stare at Naruto for a few seconds.

"He's blond," says Short Hair. "Why's he blond?"

"I don't know," says Long Hair. "Maybe it's a mutation."

"Don't be stupid," says Iruka-nii. "His father was blond and not an Uzumaki. That's why he was complaining about not getting his mother's hair."

"OH!" Short Hair and Long Hair nod, smiling as if Iruka-nii just divulged the meaning of life.

"Are they Uzumakis?" asks Naruto's Grandpa, grinning.

"Yes," says Iruka. "You can tell by their red hair and the way their brains are wired by cats on drugs."

"What did you just say?" demands Short Hair, turning on Iruka-nii and cracking his knuckles.

Iruka-nii stares him right in the eye and says, "Your Brain was wired by a cat on drugs. Keep up."

"Dude, dude," says Long Hair., a look of revelation on his face. "That's...that's deep. So deep."

"HE INSULTED US, YOU MORON!" yells Short Hair, turning on his friend.

Long Hair isn't listening. He walks up to Iruka, places his hands on Iruka's shoulders and says, "What's your name, oh great philosopher."

"Iruka Umino," says Iruka-nii

"You're…"

"Yes."

"But..."

"I am the only one who survived the Fall of the Whirlpool and still lives today," explains Iruka-nii.

"We should put you in a museum," says Short Hair.

"Don't worry," says Arashi. "I keep him at my house. I'm a historian, so I know how to take care of precious relics."

"This is my Grandpa!" Says Naruto, patting his Grandpa's arm. "Him and Grandma are my Dad's parents, and they adopted Iruka-nii who's actually my uncle now, but he's my bro."

"That makes no sense," mutters Neji.

"Oh yeah," says Short Hair, nodding. "So who are the other two?"

"That's Shisui, he's my prank buddy," says Naruto, pointing to Shisui. Then he points to Neji. "That's Neji. He used to be an asshole until I beat his brains in."

"Cool, these guys seem like great guys," says Long Hair. "Wanna come back to our camp and meet our leader?"

"Yes!" says Naruto, doing an aerial backflip. "See Iruka-nii, I told you they'd be nice!"

"And I told you avoiding them would take less time," says Iruka-nii. "Seems we are both right."

"He's your Uzumaki, isn't he?" comments Short Hair.

"Yes," says Iruka-nii.

"We have to meet their leader," says Naruto's Grandpa. "I have to do all the research I can on this trip you know."

"What are you researching, dude?" asks Long Hair.

"The History of the Hidden Whirlpool," says Naruto's Grandpa. "We're visiting all the Temples for my research. These four are my bodyguards. Apparently I need them to stop bandits and rogue ninjas."

"You need me to find the Temples and get in them for you, remember?" says Iruka-nii, sighing.

"That too," nods Naruto's Grandpa.

"Come, speak with our leader," says Short Hair. "He will be able to answer any questions you have about the Temple of Steve and the Order of Steve."

"Is he the original leader of the Order of Steve?" asks Iruka-nii.

Naruto cocks his head and stares at Iruka-nii in surprise. Why did Iruka-nii ask that question?

"Yes, Grandfather is the original leader of our order, why do you ask?" says Short Hair. He's less fun than Long Hair, Naruto decides.

"If that is the case, then there is something I want to speak to him about," says Iruka-nii. "A certain seal that he invented."

"Grandfather stopped inventing seals," says Short Hair. "He won't say why though. What's the seal called?"

"The Caged Bird Seal," says Iruka-nii.


	136. How to Dad

**A/N: Hey peps: Ignis here, and I'm curious to know if any of you have been noticing our references to the title of this story in the story itself, and if so how many have you found?**

Kimiko glares at Jiraiya, who glares right back. "The letter says if I let you train as a ninja, your mother will rise from the grave and mutilate me," explains Jiraiya.

"I want to be a ninja," says Kimiko firmly.

"No." Jiraiya tries to be firm, out of fear for his ability to have sex.

Kimiko just stares at him with her big gold eyes, making Jiraiya feel increasingly more uncomfortable.

"If you really want to be a ninja, why didn't you convince your mother to let you train?" asks Jiraiya. That question has been bugging him for a while now.

"I tried," says Kimiko. "She didn't listen. She says I have to stay innocent."

"But you want to learn how to fight and kill?"

"Yes. And also be awesome."

"But what if your mother rises from the grave…"

"If she was going to she would have by now," says Kimiko.

Jiraiya blinks in surprise. This kid is so serious!

"And anyway," continues Kimiko, who has gotten quite bold now that she knows him. "You're not my mum, you're my dad."

 _Except I don't know how to Dad,_ thinks Jiraiya, helplessly. In the past when fathers claimed their daughters had them wrapped around their little fingers, Jiraiya had laughed at them. Now he knows what they meant. This kid has him backed into a corner! On one side he has years of whining and complaints. On the other side there is the chance that Jiraiya will lose his most valuable equipment. Should he let the kid train? What if he lets her train, and then she decides she doesn't want to after all?

What if Jiraiya doesn't let Kimiko train, and she trains in secret, only to badly injure herself?

Jiraiya looks down at the little girl glaring up at him. She is only bold about two things: Naruto and wanting to be a ninja.

Jiraiya sighs. He would much rather lose his junk than lose his daughter. "Alright, you can train as a ninja. But if your mother comes back as a ghost and demands to know why, it's for self-defense, alright?"

Kimiko's face lights up so brightly that the sun looks dark. Then she hugs Jiraiya's legs. She barely reaches his waist. "Thankyouthankyou, thank you!" Says Kimiko, grinning and squeezing Jiraiya's legs so tight it nearly hurts.

"Let's go get you enrolled." Might as well do it now.

* * *

Ino, Karin and Tenten walk to the hospital together. They are going to visit Lee, who is recovering from the operation Tsunade and Okami performed on him. The operation is meant to fix the damage Gaara did in the preliminary match, but Ino is a bit doubtful. If every medic in Konoha combined couldn't help Lee, what difference would one drunk old Lady make? All the same, Ino and Karin wanted to get out of chores, which is why they agreed to accompany Tenten to the hospital. Tenten actually has a legitimate reason to be there, and also bought flowers for Lee.

"So how's your training with Iruka sensei going?" Ino asks, curious to know if Iruka sensei actually knows anything. She's always been suspicious that he became a teacher because he wasn't strong enough to be a regular ninja.

"Oh my gosh, it's amazing!" says Tenten, her eyes sparkling. "He knows all the best techniques - he's like a weapon's master or something! And he's teaching me fuuinjutsu! I've been practicing while he's away, and Grandpa Second's been helping me in case I make a mistake, but what's the worst that could happen? It's not like I'll summon a shinigami."

Karin laughs so hard she falls over.

"What?" asks Tenten, looking as confused as Ino feels. "What's so funny?"

"Nothing," says Karin, squashing down her giggles. "Let's just go to the hospital." She gets up and marches off in the direction of the hospital.

Ino and Tenten exchange confused looks and shrugs. Then they follow Karin to the hospital. When they arrive, the three girls head straight to Lee's room.

Lee is lying in bed all bandaged up. When he sees them, Lee smiles widely. "Good afternoon, Tenten. Good Afternoon, Karin. Good Afternoon, Ino," Lee says cheerfully. "I did not expect three lovely kunoichi to visit me!"

"Well, I went to the flower shop to get you some get-well flowers and these two decided to tag along," says Tenten. "Otherwise you would have only got me visiting you."

"I am glad you thought of me," says Lee. "It is very boring here in the hospital."

"Here are some flowers for you," says Tenten, giving Lee the flowers. "And I brought you a book - Naruto says it's a fun read."

"If Naruto thinks a book is fun, it must be uncommonly fun," says Karin. "What is it?"

" _Tales of a Gutsy Ninja_ ," says Tenten.

Ino rolls her eyes. It sounds like a boys' book, if ever there was one.

"I shall read it!" says Lee enthusiastically. "Then I will have something to talk to Naruto about when he returns!"

"How long are you gonna be in for?" asks Tenten.

"A few weeks yet!" says Lee. "But now I have a book to read, so the time will go much faster, thank you Tenten!"

"Well, I'll let you get to it," grins Tenten. "Bye Lee."

Ino is a bit disappointed that they did not stay for very long. She wanted to kill as much time as possible. All the same, Ino and Karin bid Lee goodbye and leave the room.

"We're still gonna get chores if we go home now," says Karin.

"Is there anyone else we can visit?" asks Ino, not wanting to get caught up in chores.

"There's Sasuke," says Karin.

"Is she still in hospital?" asks Ino, surprised. She thought Sasuke would be out by now.

"Um...yes?" Karin frowns. "Of course she's still in hospital! She literally just had surgery on half her body. She was hurt waaaaaay worse than Lee."

"What, really?" says Ino, genuinely surprised.

"Yeah, she was dead for a while, wasn't she?" asks Tenten, frowning seriously. "And then you saved her, right Karin?"

"Yeah…" Karin is staring at Ino like Ino is some sort of freak. "Ino, weren't you paying attention when they put a shroud over Sasuke in front of thousands of people, including you?"

I didn't think she died," says Ino. "I mean-"

"HOW COULD YOU MISS THAT!?" Demands Karin, grabbing the front of Ino's top and giving her a good shake.

"Maybe the genjutsu messed up her memory of what happened?" suggests Tenten. "Let's just go see how Sasuke is doing."

Karin lets go of Ino and marches off down the corridor. Ino and Tenten follow. Ino wonders what genjutsu they are talking about.

Soon they arrive at Sasuke's room in the Intensive Care Unit. Sasuke turns to look at them and pulls a face.

"Hey Sasuke," says Tenten, walking right up to Sasuke's bed, smiling. "How are you doing?"

"I'm not dead, so better, I guess," says Sasuke grumpily.

"Just so you know," says Karin. "We're only here to get out of chores."

"You're the worst," says Sasuke, scowling and looking away.

"Hey, is that any way to speak to someone who saved your life?" demands Karin, with her hands on her hips.

Ino is sure she is missing something. This conversation seems like a friendly conversation for some reason.

"Well if you hadn't saved me," sniffs Sasuke. "I wouldn't be so BORED right now!"

"Well at least I got your Dad to stop blubbering!"

Ino is not sure what is going on here. Last time she checked, Karin and Sasuke hated each other. Heck, Sasuke even used to bully Karin.

* * *

 _The boys and girls have split up to learn how to blend into civilian society. The girls are learning flower arranging, something Ino knows about. Karin and Ino gather their flowers together, chatting as they do so. Sasuke is sitting nearby, staring at the flowers as if she'd like to burn them all to ashes._

" _I don't think Sasuke knows how to do this," says Ino._

" _Maybe we should help her," suggests Karin and heads over to Sasuke. "Hey Sasuke," she says._

" _Go away," says Sasuke, without looking at Karin._

" _I'm Karin," says Karin, ignoring Sasuke's request. "Do you want to come and pick flowers with me?"_

" _No. Go away." Sasuke turns and pushes Karin to the ground and runs off, away from everyone else._

* * *

Ino remembers that that was only the first time Sasuke hit or pushed Karin just for trying to be friendly. After a while, Karin stopped trying to befriend Sasuke and starting glaring at her instead. Ino is really confused. Why are Sasuke and Karin so friendly now? Heck, it actually seems like they hate each other more than before. But Ino knows Karin, and this is her being friendly. "Why did you even save Sasuke?" Ino voices her opinion. "You two hated each other. I'd have let her die."

Sasuke blushes and looks away while Karin stares at Ino open mouthed. Tenten just looks really uncomfortable.

"Tenten and Naruto helped save Sasuke too," mutters Karin. "And Wind, and Kabuto, and ANBU Turtle from the Rain, and my Mum and Lord Jiraiya and Lady Tsunade. It wasn't just me."

"But I'd be dead now if it weren't for you," says Sasuke, still looking away. "Thank you, Karin."

"Shut up!" yells Karin, and runs out of the room.

"Go away," says Sasuke, still looking away.

"I'll come visit you again sometime," says Tenten. "Bye Sasuke." She grabs Ino's hand and drags Ino out of Sasuke's room.

"What is wrong with those two?" grumbles Ino, once they are out in the hallway.

"Nothing," says Tenten. "They're just friends now, that's all."

"What part of what just happened makes you think those two are friends?"' demands Ino.

"They were both smiling," says Tenten.


	137. The Order of Steve

The Leader of the Order of Steve is old and white haired. He is wearing a rainbow tie-dyed shirt, baggy pants and a headscarf. He is sitting barefoot on the grass smoking a pipe. Sitting beside him making a daisy chain is the kid Team Iruka saw earlier.

"Sup, dudes," says the wrinkled old man, taking a long whiff of the toxic smoke he is inhaling beside a vulnerable, impressionable child. "What do you want with mah temple, eh?"

"We want to research it!" says Arashi, cheerfully. "And is that kid alright being so close to those toxic fumes you're breathing?"

"Dude, it's just burning plants, she'll be fine," says the Leader of the Order of Steve. "But why do you wanna research mah temple, eh?"

"I'm a historian!" says Arashi, becoming increasingly concerned for the kid's health. "Research is what I do! Also, I'm really curious about my daughter-in-law's village and village history."

"Your daughter-in-law, eh?" says the Leader, taking another long puff and breathing out rainbow bubbles of smoke. The little girl laughs and starts chasing them. "What's her name then, eh?"

"Kushina Uzumaki," says Arashi.

"She's my Mum, 'tebbayo!" Adds Naruto, too excited to control himself anymore.

"Wait…" Shisui frowns in confusion. "You mean you are his ACTUAL Grandpa, and not an adopted Grandpa?" he asks. Apparently, Shisui is not as smart as Arashi thought. Then Arashi remembers who got Itachi pregnant and wonders why he ever thought Shisui was smart.

"Oh, yeah, that's a super-obvious S-Rank secret," laughs Naruto, scratching the back of his head.

"You're from the Hidden Leaf, aren't you, eh?" says the Leader, puffing out more rainbow smoke.

"Yes, we are," says Iruka, taking charge of the situation. Arashi is okay with this, since he was getting nowhere. "This is Arashi Namikaze, Naruto Uzumaki, Shisui Uchiha, Neji Hyuuga-"

"Get. Out. Now. eh." the Leader lowers his pipe and glares at Neji.

"He is a branch member," says Iruka.

"I. Don't. Care."

"You are going to listen to me," says Iruka, quite firmly. "I have something to discuss with you."

"Who do you think you are, stripling?" snaps the Leader, eyes ablaze with fury.

"Iruka Umino, head of the Umino clan," says Iruka, firmly.

To Arashi's surprise, the Leader calms down, an expression of awe on his face. "But I thought there were none left!"

"An Umino?" the people gathered around Team Iruka to watch the meeting with their leader creep forward and stare at Iruka like he is some sort of exotic animal.

"Look at him, he's so serious!"

"He's like a normal person!"

"Does he bite?"

"Can I touch him?"

"Can we keep him as a pet?" asks one kid. "I'll house train him!"

"I already house trained him," says Arashi.

"I don't bite," says Iruka. "And no, you can't touch me."

The crowd recedes in disappointment, all except the little girl they saw in the bushes. She stands there and stares up at Iruka.

Iruka smiles at her. Then he crouches down and says, "Hello there, what's your name?"

The little girl squeaks and runs off to hide behind the Leader. The fastest way to get rid of a little kid is to ask it a question.

Iruka straightens up and says, "We are here strictly on business. Arashi wants to investigate the Temple of Steve, and Naruto and I wish to remove the Caged Bird Seal from Neji."

"You...want to remove it, eh?" says the Leader.

"Yes," says Iruka. "Will you help us?"

The Leader stares at Iruka and goes back to puffing on his pipe. Arashi wonders what the old man is thinking. Finally, the Leader says, "and what will you do when the Hyuuga clan finds out what you have done? Aren't you just making matters worse for the boy, eh?"

"No," says Naruto. "'Cause the clan heir is my bestest friend, 'tebayo, and she doesn't like the caged bird seal. And anyway, you never told us your name - that's rude, ya know."

"Well, well, well," says the Leader, lowering his pipe. "What have we here, eh? A young Uzumaki who knows his manners? Will wonders never cease, eh?"

"Teaching Naruto manners was no easy task," says Iruka heavily. "Even though he wanted to learn and I had help."

"You're definitely an Umino, eh," says the Leader, smiling. "Mah name is Pantsu Uzumaki, eh."

Arashi sees Shisui bite his lip to keep from laughing at the fact the Leader of the Order of Steve is named Panties. Arashi finds he is neither cares nor is surprised by this name. It seems fitting somehow.

"Nice to meet you, Pantsu, 'tebayo," says Naruto, politely.

The Leader, Pantsu, smiles. It is truly terrifying. Arashi wonders what Pantsu is up to. "So," says Pantsu. "What do you want to know about the Caged Bird Seal, eh?"

Naruto screws up his face in thought. "I want to know where it came from, why it's so evil and why anyone would want it in the first place. And also why it's not a forbidden jutsu."

"Well, that is quite the question, eh," says Pantsu. "Well, back in the early days of the Hidden Leaf, the Uchiha clan approached the Uzumaki clan wanting a seal that would lie dormant on their skin until they died. When they died, the seal would destroy all traces of their sharingan. So I set work and made the Hidden Bird Seal, a seal that does nothing until the person wearing it dies, then it destroys all traces of doujutsu and kekkei genkai. The Uchiha clan started wearing the seal, all of them, even the ones who did not awaken the sharingan. Of those alive at the time, only Madara did not get the seal, eh."

"Why did you call it the Hidden Bird Seal?" asks Shisui.

"Because, young Uchiha, it hides things, and there was a bird nearby when I came up with the name, eh." Pantsu nods firmly to emphasise his point and carries on with the story. "Then the Hyuuga clan wanted it too, so the Uchiha clan gave them the seal formula as a show of goodwill. But the Hyuuga clan wasn't interested in the Hidden Bird Seal as it stood. They tampered with it and created the Caged Bird Seal. Realizing what they had done by giving the Hyuuga clan the Hidden Bird Seal, the Uchiha clan stopped using the seal. And I stopped using fuuinjutsu, eh."

Neji and Shisui turn to stare at eachother.

"So...it's my clan's fault…" says Shisui

"No…" Neji says slowly. "This may surprise you, but the Caged Bird Seal actually made things better for the branch clan. Before that they simply took and destroyed our eyes if we awakened the byakugan, or implanted them in a main house member that hadn't awakened the byakugan. At least with the Caged Bird Seal, we got to keep our eyes."

Naruto is staring at Neji, open-mouthed.

"When did you learn that?" asks Arashi, shifting his weight to sit more comfortably on the grass.

"Not long after the King of the Moon kidnapped me, Hinata and Hanabi," says Neji. "And Uncle Hiashi killed him in single combat and became King of the Moon."

"You've been to the moon!?" Naruto says, his eyes wide. "Take me there sometime!"

"Okay," says Neji. "Once this mission is finished I'll take you to the moon."

"YAY!" Naruto throws his hands up in the air and grins. Then he turns back to Pantsu. "So will you help us take the Caged Bird Seal off Neji, 'tebayo?"

"Perhaps, eh," says Pantsu.

"What about the Temple of Steve and the Order of Steve?" asks Arashi, feeling a little miffed that his bodyguards are stealing his research opportunities. "Will you allow me to research them?"

"Maybe, eh," says Pantsu, puffing on his pipe. "What are you gonna do after you're done here, eh?"

"We are going to visit each of the other three Temples and the Hidden Whirlpool," says Arashi eagerly. "I have an idea about what might have happened when it was destroyed." Arashi has never told anyone, but the deeper he delves into the history of the Whirlpool, the more he realises that nothing about its destruction adds up.

"Well, I'll see about that, eh," says Pantsu. "I might help you - but on one condition."

"What's the condition?" sighs Arashi, knowing how this is going to play out.

"I want to accompany you on your trip," says Pantsu. "It's been a while since I had an adventure, eh."

Arashi looks over at Iruka to see what he thinks. Iruka shrugs, unhelpfully leaving the decision up to Arashi, since this is technically Arashi's mission. Arashi had suspected that Pantsu would try to come on the trip. He vaguely wonders if anyone else from the Order of Steve will try to come along too. "Certainly," says Arashi. "But we don't want to attract too much attention, so we can't afford to have more than one or two people join us."

"So you're saying I can't bring the entire Order, eh?"

"Exactly," nods Arashi.

"Can I come?" asks the little girl, peeking out from behind Pantsu. "I want to stare at the Umino. I've never seen one before!"

"Alright," says Pantsu, turning to address his followers. "Burifu will come with me. The rest of you are to stay here and guard the Temple while I am gone. But before that: LET'S PARTY!"


	138. Aint' No Party Like an Uzumaki Party

Hiashi is not sure why the village elders feel it necessary to call a council meeting to discuss the new Kazekage, but he looks forward to seeing Fugaku's reaction to the Tenseigan. And the tomoe floating around Hiashi's neck. And the royal crown of the moon kingdom.

But then Fugaku walks in the door with a kitten clinging to the back of his shoulder, its little flat face looking out at at everyone. Fugaku, of course, looks dead serious.

Fugaku takes his seat at the council table, only to have Tsume Inuzuka and the kitten growl at each other with their teeth bared. "Quiet you two," orders Fugaku. "Hiashi, what the Kishimoto is up with those floaty things?"

"I am King of the Moon now," says Hiashi.

"Nice," says Fugaku, nodding. "And the glowing eyes?"

"Tenseigan. The Sage of Six Paths's brother's doujutsu."

"You know, we could form a club for people with supposedly nonexistent doujutsu," says Fugaku.

"Can we get on with the meeting?" interrupts Homura.

"Sure thing," says Fugaku. "What are we meeting about today?"

"The new Kazekage," says Homura. "The Sand have elected a child."

"That's their problem," says Fugaku. "Who is it?"

"That boy named Gaara who was in the chunin exams."

Silence falls around the table. Finally, Choza says, "That's one hell of a promotion."

"He seemed like a good kid last time I saw him," says Fugaku, nodding. "And I am glad they got rid of Scumkage."

"Fugaku! Do not disrespect the Fourth Kazekage!" snaps Koharu.

"That's 'Lord Hokage' to you now, Honoured Elder," says Fugaku mildly, with undertones promising a swift death.

Koharu blinks a couple of times and does not look altogether happy. It seems the elders are not quite accepting of the fact that their favourite victim is now their boss.

"The elders do have a point," says Shikaku. "The Sand has made a bold move by forcing Rasa to step down and making his twelve year old son Kazekage in his place."

"So long as the kid can handle it, why shouldn't he be Kazekage?" says Fugaku. "Rather than cause an outcry, why don't we just sit back and watch how things in the Sand unfold?"

"Or we could seize the opportunity to make our presence felt in the Sand," suggests Homura. "They are weakened from their attempted invasion and no one would blame us-"

"No." Hiashi beats Fugaku to the punch. "We are not going to invade the Hidden Sand. Idiot."

All the other clan heads turn to give Homaru their best 'you total moron' eyebrow raises.

Losing interest in the Hidden Sand, Inoichi asks, "So Lord Fugaku, why is there a kitten on your shoulder?"

Fugaku turns his head and looks at the kitten, who turns and looks at Fugaku. "This is Peanut," says Fugaku. "He's Sasuke's kitten."

"But why is he on your shoulder?" asks Hiashi, who is curious about that.

"I may or may not have sneaked him into the hospital and gotten kicked out," says Fugaku, borrowing a phrase from Naruto.

Hiashi shamelessly points and laughs at Fugaku.

"We are not here to discuss that kitten," says Koharu sternly. "We are here to discuss the new Kazekage."

"Who the Sand chooses to lead them is not our problem," says Tsume, snarling at Peanut. "Why are we even having a meeting about it?"

"I dunno," shrugs Choza. "But while we're here, why don't we discuss that plan to build more housing in between the main town and the Uchiha compound?"

"Yes, let's do that," agrees Fugaku.

* * *

Neji is trying to discreetly edge out of the party. There is too much music and craziness for him to handle. The Hyuuga clan is many things, but for some reason they do not party. Just the very mention of the word 'party' makes Neji's auntie gasp and shudder. Neji is not sure what to do with himself, but the rest of Team Iruka and Naruto's Grandfather are having fun. Naruto is playing a lively tune on his violin (Neji had no idea he could play), Shisui is playing with Burifu, Arashi is sampling the food and Iruka is teaching some messy teens to waltz.

Neji glances round, sees a spot nearby that is empty of people, and heads off to sit there. Once he is comfortable, Neji watches the party. He wants to join in, but he has no idea what to do at a party.

Neji sees that Naruto is now playing a waltz so that the teens Iruka is teaching to waltz can dance to music. A few of the adults have joined in and are making fools of themselves. Naruto's Grandfather is one of these adults.

Neji looks over to see what Shisui is doing and sees Burifu give Shisui a stick of what looks like raw sugar cane. Neji wonders vaguely where she got it from.

Someone with a cup of something slides up beside Neji. "What's up, dude?" the redhead asks. "Trying to be the Party Pooper?"

"Um...what's a party pooper?" asks Neji.

The redhead stares at Neji with wide eyes. "Dude, dude, haven't you ever been to a party before?"

"Nooo…" Neji tries to inch away.

The redhead drapes his arm around Neji's shoulders and holds the cup under Neji's nose. "Drink up, dude! We gotta get you and your beautiful hair in the PARTY MOOD!"

"What is it?" asks Neji suspiciously.

"Just a little moonshine," grins the redhead. "Drink up."

"Well, my uncle is King of the Moon…" Neji is unsure whether he should drink this smelly stuff. Ah, what the heck? People probably drink this stuff all the time at parties. Neji drinks the whole cupful, and coughs at the foul taste.

"That's the spirit!" laughs the redhead. "Have another!"

Neji drinks this one down too. He feels a bit lightheaded. And free. Oh so free. And strong - like, he could take on an ARMY and he would WIN. Neji leaps to his feet. He looks around for someone to fight and sees Shisui, happily chewing on a piece of sugar cane. "I want." Neji points to the sugar cane.

Shisui hears him, turns and says, "Mine. Get lost."

"I want some. Give me some." Neji gets right up in Shisui's face.

"No." Shisui chomps up the rest and swallows it.

Burifu holds out a piece of sugarcane to Neji. "Have some," she says. Then she turns to the redhead. "Big Brother, did you give him the moonshine?"

"Yes," says the redhead. "He does not know how to party."

Neji knaws blissfully on his sugarcane. Shisui stares at Neji, his mouth open in a little 'o'. "Come my pupil," says Shisui, putting his hands on Neji's shoulders. "I will teach you to party like an Uchiha."

* * *

Arashi is trying not to forcibly separate the children in the camp from the smoking adults. And the drunk adults. And the entire party, really. This is not a child friendly environment.

Speaking of children…

Arashi looks over to see what Neji is doing. Neji and Shisui have their shirts off and are painting themselves with mud, and using the mud to stick flowers to their hair. Arashi sighs, thinking that maybe this party isn't so bad after all. Then Neji stands up and immediately falls over, only to get up and laugh.

Shisui laughs too and starts singing off key at the top of his lungs. Neji joins in, also off key, and starts dancing. Not just any dancing either: an impressionist dance crossed with ballet and the tango. Shisui keeps singing, and soon the entire camp is watching Neji dance. Naruto, deciding that this is great fun, joins in Shisui's song on his violin.

Arashi pushes through the crowd to where Burifu is standing beside a smug-looking young man. "What did you give them?" he demands. Something tells him these two are responsible for this mess.

"I just gave them some sugar cane," says Burifu, holding up a piece. "Do you want some?"

Arashi takes it and smells it. It is normal sugar cane. He turns to the young man, who is looking smugger by the second. "What did you give Neji?"

The young man's eyes widen in innocence. "Just some moonshine…"

"You gave him whiskey?" Arashi is not happy. "His father's gonna kill me if he finds out. And Shisui is on a sugar high."

"Want some?" asks the young man, shoving a cup of moonshine whiskey under Arashi's nose.

Neji finishes his dance and staggers up to a tree. "What you lookin' at?" he asks the tree. "You think my dancin's stupid? Fight me!"

Shisui laughs at Neji. "That tree doesn't have eyes!" then he runs up the tree and stands upside down on a branch. "Look!" he calls down everyone. "I'm a ninja!"

Arashi takes the moonshine whiskey.


	139. The Uzumaki Clan is the Exception

Madoka is not sure if Sasuke will be glad to see him or not. Ino seems to hate Sasuke for some reason, but Madoka knows that Sasuke pretends to hate people she likes. That is one of the reasons that Madoka is nervous that Sasuke will not be very happy to see him. Sasuke never did anything mean to Madoka or refused to be Madoka's friend. In fact, Sasuke has only ever been nice to Madoka. Does that mean Sasuke hates him? But Madoka has a present that will hopefully make Sasuke pretend to be mad.

Madoka enters Sasuke's hospital room, feeling a little nervous. "Hey Sasuke," he says.

Sasuke looks up from staring at the lava lamp on her bedside table and smiles radiantly.

 _She hates me, I know it!_ Thinks Madoka. "I um, brought you a walkman and some CDs," says Madoka, holding up the bag she is carrying them in.

"You're the best," says Sasuke, grinning even wider. "You would not believe how bored I am right now."

Madoka is absolutely convinced that Sasuke hates him now. Sasuke does not smile at people unless it's because she just thought of a good way to kill them. Madoka walks over to Sasuke and gives her the bag, glad that Sasuke is incapacitated right now.

"Put it here, where I can reach it," orders Sasuke, pointing to a spot on her right hand side.

"There's spare batteries in there too," says Madoka, putting the bag down where Sasuke indicated. Maybe that will get Sasuke to like him.

"You are awesome," says Sasuke, still grinning.

Madoka is absolutely convinced that Sasuke is about to try and murder him. Like the nerd he is, Madoka starts crying.

"Woah, Madoka!" says Sasuke, sounding concerned. "What's the matter?"

Madoka is to upset to try and brush off the question and ends up bawling and whining, "You hate me, don't you?"

"EEEHHHH?!" Sasuke stares at Madoka like he's lost his mind. "What the f### gave you that impression?"

Madoka does not know how to tell Sasuke that he wishes his team mate would be mean to him from time to time. Madoka simply cries harder.

"You are such a stupid nerd!" snaps Sasuke. "And here I thought you were the normal one!"

Madoka is so shocked that Sasuke said something mean to him that he promptly stops crying. "That was mean!" says Madoka, happily.

"What is wrong with you?" snaps Sasuke, scowling. "What sort of idiot are you? I'm not mean to people because I like them, idiot. Just Uzumakis."

Madoka, realizing his mistake, chokes back his tears and smiles.

* * *

Naruto wakes up to the sun glaring in his eyes through the trees. Naruto is sprawled on the grass with Iruka's tummy as a pillow and a little kid starfished over his legs. There are people all around Naruto, and it takes him a moment to remember who they are and where he is. The little kid is Burifu Uzumaki and all the people are her Great Grandfather's followers and descendants: The Order of Steve. It is actually really unclear to Naruto which are Pantsu's kids, grandkids and great grandkids since half the Order calls him Father and the other half calls him Grandfather.

Naruto takes a closer look at the kid starfished across his legs. That can't be comfortable. Ah well, it's just Burifu, and she's strange. Even by Naruto's standards.

Naruto pushes Burifu off himself and gets up. If he wasn't used to randomly waking up the forest, he might feel a bit sore, like he did the first ten times it happened. Naruto looks around and sees some people nearby making food. Naruto makes a beeline for the food and asks, "What's for breakfast?"

"Ah, our newest initiate!" says one the people making food. "We're having mushroom soup for breakfast. With pancakes."

"Nice," says Naruto. That sounds completely unbreakfasty and completely awesome. "My favourite mushrooms are Destroying Angels and Deputy Kinoko."

"I am unfamiliar with the Deputy Mushroom variety," says one of the food-makers. "And aren't Destroying Angels poisonous?"

"Deputy Kinoko is a person!" laughs Naruto. "And I have a special something that makes me resistant to poison." The special something is, of course, Mr. Nine Tails. Naruto grabs a bowl and digs into the soup and pancakes. They taste weird, but it's a good weird. Naruto wonders if his Grandma would let him eat this for breakfast.

From the tree branch where Naruto tethered him the previous night, Sparky squawks, demanding to be let free. Naruto puts his food down and gets up to untether Sparky and brings the phoenix to the campfire.

"Why you keepin' the bird tied up bro?" asks the Food Maker. Naruto can't be bothered remembering all the Order's names. "He should be wild and free."

"I know," sighs Naruto. "But he keeps flying off, and Grandpa says bad people might get him and do bad things to Sparky if he keeps flying off on his own."

"Ah, that makes sense," nods the Food Maker. "I still think he should be free."

"I know," Naruto pulls out Sparky's treats and gives him some since no responsible adults are watching and Naruto feels even worse about the leash.

Neji chooses that moment to flop down on the grass beside Naruto and mumble, "I have a huge headache." into the grass.

"That's called a 'hangover'," says Naruto. "Burifu's brother gave you moonshine whiskey."

"You mean it wasn't actual moonshine?" asks Neji.

The Food Maker laughs heartily and slaps Neji on the back. "You're stupid! You can't drink ACTUAL moonshine! Were you raised under a rock, Brother?"

"Ooooowwww," whines Neji.

"Got any coffee?" asks Naruto's Grandpa, plopping himself down beside Naruto.

"No, but we have this," says the Food Maker, holding up a cup of murky stuff. "The best hangover treatment in the world. And since you're one of us now, Uncle, we can share it with you freely." The Food Maker holds a cup out to Neji. "Here, you have one too, Brother."

"Got some of that for me?" asks Iruka-nii, wandering over and flopping down face-first into the grass. "The light is killing my brain. I need that for teaching."

"Here you go, Brother-sensei," says the Food Maker, giving Iruka-nii his own cup of murky goop.

"Um...What's with all the 'brother' and 'uncle' business?" asks Shisui, staggering over and plopping down by the fire, somehow back in the duck onesie.

"Oh, you don't remember, brother?" asks the Food Maker. "You were only high on sugar, not what I was high on, and I remember everything."

"I'll fill them in," volunteers Naruto. "So basically what happened last night is that Shisui got his hands on some sugar, and Neji got given some whiskey. The shenanigans they pulled were so stupid that Grandpa started drinking too. Iruka-nii decided to have a drink because he wanted to see if it was any good and ended up having several because he doesn't have to teach a bunch of eight year olds within the next 24 hours. Then once Neji had made up with the tree over that misunderstanding, one of the Brothers in the order decided Neji's hair is the best ever. Gramps Pants agreed and invited him to join the order. Then he also decreed that my violin playing is the s###, and asked me to join too."

"Language," says Iruka-nii.

"...and then," continues Naruto. "Gramps Pants decided he didn't want to lose the museum collectable that is Iruka-nii and asked him to join the order too, just as soon as Iruka-nii is done teaching those drunk teens the macarena. And then I told Gramps Pants that I can't join without my grandparents' permission and he invited Grandpa to join too. So then the Order held a ceremony where we all put on pyjamas and drank some slimy goop stuff and declared to follow the way of Steve, which basically just means being at one with nature and getting high and/or drunk whenever possible. And then we all went to bed since we were in our PJs and most everyone was starting to crash and burn from their highs and stuff. Except me. I was just tired. So that's why we're all in our pyjamas."

"So, we're all members of the Order of Steve now?" asks Iruka-nii.

"Yeah, that too," shrugs Naruto. "Try the food, it's awesome."

"So, if we're members, does that mean we are allowed in the temple so I can do my research?" asks Naruto's Grandpa.

"Course it does!" says Gramps Pants, cheerfully joining them.

"Don't you have a hangover?" asks Neji.

"Nope," grins Gramps Pants. "Can't crash the next morning if ya never come down from your high, eh." he pulls out his pipe and takes a big puff. "I've been on this stuff for 70 years - I'm never quitting, not even for an hour, eh."

"It'd probably kill you to quit anyway," says Iruka-nii, with a raised eyebrow.

"Yes," says Gramps Pants, puffing away at his pipe. "I'll give you a proper tour after breakfast, then we can get on our way to the next temple on your list, eh."


	140. Madoka Signs Away His Life

Tsunade is sitting at her favorite bar, drinking her favourite sake. It has been a tiring morning of sobriety and dealing with Okami. Tsunade wishes she could just be drunk all the time like how her grandmother's brother Pantsu was always high. Oh to be able to always be in a state of- what's that pink nerd doing here?

Tsunade watches the pink nerd creep nervously across the bar, heading towards Tsunade.

"Oi! Nerd!" yells the bartender. "Unless you're here to collect a relative, you'll have to leave. You're too young to be here."

"Oh, um, I…" the nerd stammers nervously, and looks right at Tsunade.

Tsunade, realizing the nerd, who she remembers is an apprentice medic or something, was probably sent to fetch her, drinks more sake. Then she waves her bottle over her head and yells, "Nerd! Over here! Did them suckers up at the hospital send you?"

The nerd makes a beeline for Tsunade, intending to try to convince Tsunade to leave the bar. Tsunade puts her arms around the nerd's shoulders, forcing him to sit down beside her. "Have a drink!" says Tsunade, forcing some sake into the nerd's mouth. "Nerds need their alcohol to put hair on their chests!" Tsunade laughs. "Or if you're a girl, to put volume in your chest!" Tsunade grabs her own chest to illustrate her point. The pink nerd goes very red.

"Ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to leave," says the bouncer, sauntering over to Tsunade's table. Tsunade sends him flying through the roof.

"THAT WAS AWESOME!" says the nerd, his eyes sparkling.

"You wanna know how I did it?" asks Tsunade, pouring more sake down the nerd's throat and some down her own.

"YES!" shouts the nerd, clasping his hands together. "Please, teach me all your secrets! I will be the bestest, most loyal, most hard-workingest apprentice ever in all of ever, shannaroo!"

"Alright," agrees Tsunade, thinking a nerd might be fun to mess with. "But we have to write it down and sign it, just in case we forget once they force me to sober up."

"Why would sobering up make you forget?" asks the Nerd.

"Sometimes you forget what happened to you while you were drunk or high when you sober up," explains Tsunade. "That's why my Great Uncle Pantsu, who I only remember when I'm drunk for some reason, is permanently high. If he ever came down off it, he'd have over 70 years worth of severe memory loss."

The nerd pulls out a piece of paper and a pen and slaps them down on the table excitedly. "Let's do it right now."

Tsunade grabs the pen and writes, "Tsunade Senju agrees to train the Pink Nerd-"

The pink nerd grabs the pen and writes, "Madoka Haruno" next to "The Pink Nerd".

Tsunade grabs the pen back and finishes the contract, "In all her techniques in order to turn the nerd into a healing, punching, badass ninja." Then Tsunade signs her name at the bottom.

The Pink Nerd takes the pen and writes, "The Pink Nerd, also known as Madoka Haruno, agrees to train under Tsunade, and learn all her secrets no matter what that entails." And promptly signs his name, and by default signs away his life.

* * *

Naruto, Iruka, Shishi, Neji, Burifu, Pantsu and Arashi are sitting in a circle, discussing their next move. Over the last day, they travelled together through the land of fire to the Temple of Jashin, the next temple on their journey. They spent a couple of days investigating the Temple of Steve, and now they are on their way to the next temple. The Temple of Jashin is halfway between the Hidden Leaf and the Land of Whirling Tides, making it half a day's journey away from the Temple of Steve - or most of a day if you are travelling with a high old man and a flighty seven year old. Needless to say, Iruka carried the flighty seven year old for most of the day. Arashi finds it amusing how Iruka is so good with kids and still doesn't have a girlfriend (and no, Mei Terumi does not count because she is an enemy nin, and they haven't crossed paths in years).

"Well," Pantsu is saying, while puffing in his pipe. "Unlike the Temple of Steve, the Temple of Jashin only allows those of Uzumaki or Umino Blood past the seal, eh. There is a way to let people from outside the clans into the Temple, though. The Temple of Dave is the only one that you cannot, in any way, let in outsiders, eh. The Temple of Jashin holds our important historical documents, so you will need to explore it fully, Arashi, eh."

"Ooh, that sounds like fun," grins Arashi, genuinely excited.

"Only you would be excited about a room full of books, Grandpa," sighs Naruto.

"Oh, it doesn't just have books," eh, says Pantsu. "The history is mostly pictures with captions and voice recordings made with fuuinjutsu, eh."

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOO I WANNA SEE IT!" Naruto shouts, his eyes sparkling. "That sounds AWESOME, dattebayo!"

"OF COURSE!" shouts Pantsu, pointing at Naruto. "That's why you seem familiar, eh! You're my great neice Kushina's kid, aren't you, eh?"

"You're my mum's Great Uncle?"

"Yes, we're all related somehow in the Uzumaki clan," says Pantsu. "Although the further down the generations you get, the less closely it is."

"Does that mean Burifu is my cousin?' asks Naruto.

"Third cousin," says Iruka. "And if we're getting into that, I'm actually your seventh cousin once removed. But once you get further away than twice removed, no one cares anymore."

"Why's that?' asks Shisui. "We're really big on how many removeds there are in the Uchiha clan."

"That's because most of you marry within the clan," says Iruka. "People whose dating options are not so limited don't give a damn."

"My dating options aren't limited!" protests Shisui.

"Says the guy who got his fourth cousin pregnant," counters Iruka.

"Shaddup!" pouts Shisui, crossing his arms and looking away.

Arashi realizes Naruto is gone. "Where did Naruto go?" he asks.

"Oh, s###," Iruka face palms.

"There he is," says Neji, pointing upwards.

They all look up, and see Naruto flying away towards the Temple of Jashin, which is currently surrounded by the Order of Jashin.

"Naruto!" Yells Iruka, jumping up and running after the flying ninja. "STAY AWAY FROM THE TEMPLE WHILE THE ORDER IS THERE!"

Naruto stops and turns to look at Iruka. "But I wanna see the Temple, 'tebbayo!" he insists. Sparky, who is sitting on Naruto's shoulder, squawks.

"Naruto, we can't go in while the order is watching, or-" But Naruto is already gone, so Iruka stops talking and sighs. "I'd better go stop him."

"We shall follow at a slower pace, eh," says Pantsu, slowly beginning to rise.

Iruka runs after Naruto, telling Neji and Shisui to stay with Arashi. Naruto can fly much faster than Iruka can run, and it is about ten minutes before Iruka catches up. By that time, Naruto has already reached the Temple of Jashin. Iruka estimates Naruto has been there for all of five minutes.

So why the Kishimoto is Naruto standing regally on the steps of the Temple of Jashin with the Order gathered around him bowing low. "All hail our new leader, Naruto Uzumaki!" the Order of Jashin is saying. Lying at the foot of the stairs is a corpse.

Iruka is not sure, but he thinks this might actually be normal behavior for an Uzumaki.

Iruka has never actually seen the Temple of Jashin before, only heard about it. The shield around the temple is seal that creates a wall of fire. So Naruto is standing at the top of the stairs leading to a temple shrouded by a wall of fire with a dead man lying below him and an entire cult of mass murderers bowing to him and hailing him as their new leader.

On second thoughts, that sounds more like something someone from the Umino clan would do.

* * *

Madoka stands opposite Lady Tsunade in training field seven wondering why they are all the way out here for lessons in being a medic. That is what Madoka signed up for, right? He doesn't remember what happened after Tsunade started pouring sake down his throat, be the contract didn't actually say what Madoka agreed to, aside from training. "So...um...what are we doing out here?" asks Madoka, nervously. He does not like the look in Lady Tsunade's eyes.

"You signed this agreeing to learn all my techniques," says Lady Tsunade, holding up the grubby contract. "So we're here for training obviously." Lady Tsunade cracks her knuckles. "Welcome to Tsunade Senju's School of Dodge, where Nerds grow muscles or die."

Madoka is confused. Grow muscles?

Lady Tsunade bends down, grabs the ground and rips up a huge chunk of earth. "DODGE!" yells Tsunade, throwing the boulder at Madoka.

Madoka screams like a little girl, flattens himself on the ground and throws his arms over his head.

"That's the idea!" says Lady Tsunade gleefully, ripping up another gigantic chunk of earth and hurling it at Madoka.

Madoka runs for his life, his mind buzzing with horror. What does this have to do with being a medic? What did he agree to while he was drunk? What does dodging have to do with healing people? OH S### THAT BOULDER IS HUGE! RUNRUNRUN!


	141. The Temple of Jashin

After he escapes from Iruka's watchful eyes, Naruto makes a beeline for the Temple of Jashin. He really wants to see the cool history books. Now that is a sentence Naruto never thought he would think. Naruto never thought there would be such a thing as a cool history book, and he wants to see it. So with Sparky in tow, Naruto flies to the Temple of Jashin. Sitting on the grass around the Temple steps is a group of men and women, all of whom are armed and dangerous.

Naruto drops down on the steps of the temple and grins at the men and ladies. Sparky sits regally on Naruto's shoulder and surveys the crowd. Naruto waits, and soon the crowd notices him.

They stare at Naruto, and Naruto stares at them.

"Hi!" grins Naruto. "I'm Naruto Uzumaki, 'tebayo! This is Sparky. Who are you guys?"

A man with slicked-back hair and pink eyes pushes his way to the front of the crowd. "We are the Order of Jashin!" the man says, pointing his red, three-pronged scythe at Naruto. I am Hidan, a Priest of Jashin, and an immortal! I am going to sacrifice you for the glory of Jashin!"

Naruto pulls a face. "So you lot are the cult Jashin told me needs to take a chill pill on the sacrificing. He only has so much room in his belly, 'tebayo."he crosses his arms and exchanges an eye-roll with Sparky.

"HOW DARE YOU SPEAK OF LORD JASHIN AS IF HE WERE A MERE HUMAN!" yells Hidan, running at Naruto, his scythe ready to do some serious damage.

"Oh, he's not a mere human," says Naruto, conversationally, drawing a seal on the steps of the temple. "He's a shinigami, and there is really only one thing I can do in this situation." He grins and activates the seal. "Fuuin: shinigami summon! Come forth, Jashin!"

Hidan skids to a stop at the foot of the stairs, staring up in awe as Jashin appears before them on the step of the temple accompanied by a pillar of fire.

"Hey, Jashin," says Naruto, cheerfully.

"Oh, it's you again," says Jashin. "Imma take your soul."

"No you aren't," says Naruto. "You're gonna take Hidan's soul, 'tebayo." Naruto points to Hidan. "That's Hidan, there."

"Excuse me," says Jashin, raising his eyebrows patronisingly. "Which one of us is the powerful immortal shinigami?"

"You are," says Naruto, grinning. "That's why YOU are gonna have to kill him, see, he's immortal too, 'tebayo."

"Sorry, the yellow hair made me momentarily forget you are an Uzumaki," says Jashin, just as patronizingly. "Let me put this in terms you will understand: I am my own boss. How does spending the rest of eternity in my belly sound? That's where you'll be going if you don't unsummon me this instant."

Naruto sighs. He should have known Jashin would be difficult. "Look," says Naruto, adopting the tone his Grandma uses on Iurka-nii when he disagrees with her. "You've got two options: either you take Hidan, soul and all, back to Shinigami Land to be your slave for all time, OR you can cease to exist. Your choice."

Jashin laughs at Naruto. "Of all the threats Uzumakis and Uminos have tried to use, that one takes the cake. Good f###ing luck trying to make me cease to exist."

Naruto pulls out some notes he made while adjusting the shinigami summon seal to cater to each individual shinigami. "See this seal formula?" he says, pointing to one of his scribbles. "If I turn that symbol up the other way and activate the seal, you will stop existing. I can do it with all four of you."

All the colour drains out of Jashin's entire ghostly body. "That's...that's...s###!" he grabs Hidan's soul right out of Hidan's body and says. "I'll be taking this and going. Tell your Umino you are a Master of Fuuinjutsu now." Jashin vanishes in a swirling pillar of fire, which does not even scorch the steps.

Satisfied that Hidan will not try to kill Naruto before he can get in the temple, Naruto turns and runs inside. The wall of fire parts for him, allowing him through unharmed. Naruto watches the shield close behind him and then turns back to the temple. This temple actually looks like a temple. It has pillars and arches and huge gilded doors, and "The Temple of Jashin" carved in big letters above the door frame. Naruto runs forward and pushes open the doors. The doors creak and groan as if they have not been used for a long time. Naruto walks inside, looking around at the orderly shelves and display cases arranged around the large room he finds himself in. The room is multi-level, one level around the edge, but raised on a platform up some stairs in the centre of the room. Naruto is about to explore when he hears the sound of applause, cheering and laughter from outside.

Curious about the noise, Naruto runs back outside, past the wall of fire to the top of the stairs. Down below him, the Order of Jashin is cheering, clapping their hands and laughing in joy. Naruto is confused. What's gotten into them? Then they see that he is out of the temple and turn to face him. Then, to Naruto's surprise, they bow low to the ground saying, "All hail our new leader, Naruto Uzumaki!"

Naruto looks around desperately for some clue as to what just happened and sees Iruka-nii standing behind the crowd. He looks very, very done. Iruka-nii marches up to naruto, right past Hidan's corpse and, grabbing Naruto by his collar, scolds him saying, "Naruto, I told you to stay away from this place, but you didn't even wait to hear the explanation as to why, and now you've become the leader of the Order of Jashin! WHat the bloody hell happened in the FIVE MINUTES you were here alone?"

"OI!" the Order of Jashin leap to their feet and whip out their weapons as one. "Who the hell are you and what do you think you are doing to our leader?"

Iruka sighs and turns his head towards the Order of Jashin. "I am Iruka Umino, and I am your new leader's Uncle or brother, depending how you look at it. Now if you don't mind, I am trying to explain to Naruto what he just got himself into."

Naruto peeks past Iruka-nii's shoulder and says, "Just get comfortable, this might take a while."

Looking at each other in confusion, the Order of Jashin simultaneously drops to the grass and makes themselves comfortable.

Satisfied, Naruto turns his attention back to Iruka-nii. "So why are they all bowing to me and obeying me?" he asks.

Iruka-nii takes a deep breath and begins his lecture. "In the entire history of the Hidden Whirlpool, only four people ever became rogue ninjas. Three from the Uzumaki clan and one from the Umino clan. The four rogue shinobi each founded one of the four shinigami cults. The rogue Umino, who was my mother's cousin's grandfather's brother, founded the Order of Jashin. He made a law that only those who can enter the Temple of Jashin are worthy to be the Leader of the Order. After his death twenty years ago none of the Order was able to pass the barrier and claim leadership. They developed techniques to become immortal in hopes those techniques would get them past the barrier, but the barrier threw them back without letting them pass. The Order sought out members of the Umino Clan, which of course led them to my parents, to find out what was going on with the barrier. My parents, of course, told them that the barrier is specially wired so that only those of certain bloodlines can get through. The Order made a declaration right then that the next person who goes through that barrier will be hailed as their leader, no matter who they are. Since that day, the Order of Jashin has kept watch over the Temple of Jashin to wait for their new leader to appear. You went through the barrier in front of the ENTIRE Order, so they have declared you their leader. Now that you are their leader, you must learn their rules and customs and either follow or change them. As far as I know, the first leader did not have any children because he did not want to raise a member of such a prestigious clan as mine outside the Hidden Whirlpool. So when he died there was literally no one in the Order who COULD become their new leader. So the only people who could take the position are either members of the other three cults or us, Nagato, Okami and Karin. Now you have taken the title. But I forget, we both became members of the Order of Steve last night. Oh dear. Now you are in two of the four Shinigami cults. Honestly, Naruto! Can't I leave you unsupervised for ten minutes without you causing havoc?"

"Um…" Naruto is not really sure how to respond to this information. Finally he says, "I summoned Jashin when that dead guy down there tried to sacrifice me to Jashin. I managed to convince Jashin to take the guy's soul, and Jashin said to tell you that I am a Master of Fuuinjutsu now."

"Oh? That's quite an achievement," says Iruka-nii, smiling and finally lets go of Naruto's collar. "How did you do it?"

Naruto grins. "I'm not telling, 'tebayo. It's my secret!"

"If you will not tell, then we will keep silent also, oh great leader," drones the Order of Jashin in unison. (Naruto learned the words 'drone' and 'unison' from Madoka when he was feeling nerdy.(That is, Naruto was feeling nerdy. It was an odd feeling, but it soon passed.))

"My, my, my," says a bemused voice. "What happened here?" Naruto looks over to the tree line, past the Order of Jashin. Gramps Pants is standing there with Neji, Shisui, Grandpa and Burifu. "Looks like your Grandson got himself made head of the Order of Jashin, Arashi, eh."

"EH?!" Naruto's Grandpa takes a couple of steps backwards. "But isn't the Order of Jashin a cult of mass murderers?!"

"THAT'S THE ISSUE?!" yells Neji, facepalming.

"Can you be in multiple Shinigami Orders at once?" asks Shisui.

"Only if it is accidental, eh," says Gramps Pants.

"You say that like it's happened before!" sas Neji, apparently distressed by everything that is going on.

"Well no, eh," admits Gramps Pants, shrugging. "But it was bound to eventually, so we made the rule just in case, eh."

"That's sensible," nods Iruka-nii.


	142. Wanted: Some Janitors

Team Iruka, Pantsu, Burifu and Arashi separate themselves from the Order of Jashin, who are content to sit on the grass and celebrate the fact they now have a leader. Once they are out of earshot of the Order, Arashi asks, "So how are we gonna get into the Temple? I have research to do."  
"That's easily done," says Iruka. "The Temple of Jashin's seal has a safety feature to allow non-clan members in."

"Why's it a safety feature?" asks Naruto, picking his nose.

"Don't pick your nose," says Arashi reflexively, handing Naruto a tissue.

"It's a safety feature because the Temple of Jashin used to be a fortress," explains Iruka. "Back in the warring clans era, when no one in particular owned the Land of Fire, the Uzumaki Clan built the Temple of Jashin as a place to retreat when faced with opponents they could not beat. Those opponents were the Umino clan."

Arashi whips out his notebook and starts scribbling down what Iruka is saying.

"The Uzumaki clan built the temple and put the seal around it to keep out the Umino clan," continues Iruka. "But they had to use blood to set the seal to keep out the Umino Clan. At that stage of history, the Uzumaki clan wasn't as good at fuuinjutsu, so they could only key the barrier to one bloodline: the Uzumaki bloodline. Adopted clan members and outsiders who married in had to be allowed in too, so they made a safety feature to allow them in. Unfortunately, that failsafe was the very weakness my clan used to key our own blood to the barrier, allowing us in too. The Uzumaki Queen of the day was so impressed she demanded the Umino Clan head marry her right then and there. He was infatuated with her hair and agreed. And that is how our clans became allies."

Arashi is writing very fast to keep up. Luckily, Iruka is used to people taking notes when he talks, so he pauses to allow Arashi to catch up.

"It was a while before we made the training deal with the shinigami," Iruka continues once Arashi is all caught up with his notes. "That happened after some inter-clan training yielded four shinigami who then took the soul of the woman who summoned them. The woman's husband went on a quest to become strong enough to fight the shinigami. At the end of that journey, which takes a different length of time depending on who you ask, the man reverse summoned himself to the realm of the shinigami and brought back his wife. They lived happily ever after, and he was named the Grand Master of Fuuinjutsu. The two clans created the Fuuinjutsu tests in honour of his journey. The Umino Clan are usually the ones doing the teaching because we are more level headed. Occasionally an Uzumaki will teach in the Grand Tradition, but not often."

"Do you think I could teach one day, 'tebayo?" Naruto asks enthusiastically.

"Yes I do," says Iruka. "Now that's enough lecturing for one day. Let's get into the Temple."

* * *

Sasuke is bored, uncomfortable and tired. Naruto is out having adventures and here she is, stuck in hospital with itchy casts and bandages all over her body. She still isn't allowed to sit up in case she breaks something that Tsunade and Okami fixed. Sasuke has stared at the lava lamp, listened to all the music and audio books Madoka brought her, watched the birds out of the window and now there is nothing left for her to do.

Bored.

Sasuke would even be happy if Might Guy walked in, that is how bored she is. Might Guy is...disturbing.

"Hello, Sasuke," says a voice as the door to her ward slides open.

Sasuke turns from the window to see Shino standing in the doorway looking shy. Sasuke grins, happy to see her friend. "Hey Shino, come in!"

Shino walks up to Sasuke's bed and stands awkwardly beside it. "How do you feel?" he asks.

"Bored and sore," replies Sasuke, going back to her usual scowl. "Where have you been? I haven't seen you in ages."

"I have been out on a patrol mission with my Dad,"says Shino. "I just got back this morning. Did I miss anything?"

"Naruto and Neji have gone off on a mission with Iruka sensei and Shisui," Sasuke tells Shino. "I wish I could have gone. They are visiting the ruins of the Hidden Whirlpool."

"That does sound like fun," agrees Shino, staring at Sasuke as if he is afraid she is going to disappear. And to be fair to Shino, Sasuke probably would disappear from the hospital if she could move.

Sasuke, however, is scared Shino will leave quickly, like everyone else who has come to visit her so far. How to keep him longer? "What was your mission like?" she asks quickly.

"Oh, it was dull," says Shino. "That is because nothing much happened."

Genuinely surprised, Sasuke tries to sit sit up and immediately regrets it. "Ow," she whimpers, and sinks back onto the bed. Pouting, she demands, "How was you mission boring? Is that even possible?"

"Of course," says Shino smoothly. "You do not know what a boring mission is like. Why? Because you are on a team with Naruto."

"Tell me what a boring mission is like," orders Sasuke, pouting expectantly at Shino.

Shino continues to stand beside Sasuke's bed awkwardly and stare at her.

"Sit," orders Sasuke, pointing at the visitor's chair beside her bed. Shino sits. "Now tell me all about your blessedly boring mission."

"Yes Sasuke," says Shino, gravely.

He's so cute, thinks Sasuke, staring at Shino. Surprised at herself, Sasuke wonders where that thought came from. Shino is just Shino.

* * *

Team Iruka, complete with Arashi, Pantsu and Burifu, head into the Temple of Jashin. Iruka looks around with interest, noting the raised dais in the centre of the room, the shelves filled with scrolls and the display tables on which lies strange recording devices. There are seals on the devices, seals that Iruka does not recognize.

Like a Naruto in a Ramen Shop, Arashi makes a beeline for the strange devices. Arashi stares at one of the devices, his face so close it is almost touching the device. Then Arashi accidently breathes on the device.

A huge dust cloud poofs up, enveloping all nearby.

Arashi starts coughing and sneezing and backs away from the device. The others, who are not nearly as close to the device, start sneezing. They all back away from the dust cloud, trying to wave the dust away.

"How long was it since this place was dusted?" sneezes Shisui.

"The Order of Steve keeps the Temple in order," says Pantsu. "And considering how no one in the Order of Jashin can get in the Temple, it's a likely thing the temple ain't been dusted since the old leader got too old to clean it, eh."

"Are we going to have to clean the entire temple before I can do my research?" whines Arashi, looking quite upset that his research is delayed.

"Yes," nods Iruka, crossing his arms and thinking about the best way to go about cleaning the Temple. Cleaning up things is somewhat of a skill Iruka has developed over the course of living with Naruto.

"I know that look!" says Naruto, pointing at Iruka and grinning. "That's your 'let's get this mess cleaned up ASAP' look." Naruto screws up his face in thought. "But it will take us aaaaaaaages to clean the temple by ourselves. We need an army of janitors."

"And where do you propose we get one of those, eh?" asks Pantsu, pulling Burifu away from one of the displays to stop her from disturbing another dust cloud.

"Outside, sitting on the grass, 'dattebayo!" says Naruto grinning. He runs out of the temple, and Iruka follows to see what is bound to be some popcorn-worthy fun. Naruto skids to a stop at the top of the steps, and Iruka stands behind him to get the best view.

"Leader!" the Order choruses, leaping to their collective feet and grinning.

"Guys, I have a job for you, 'tebayo," says Naruto importantly.

The various members of the Order of Jashin pull out their weapons, grinning in anticipation. "Do you want us to murder a village?" asks one.

"No," says Naruto. "I want you to be janitors and clean Jashin's temple."

The Order's faces melt from excited glee to disappointment and dismay.

"Naruto, they can't go in the temple," points out Iruka.

"I'll let them past the seal if they agree to help clean the Temple," says Naruto. "Temple maintenance is an honour in the Order of Steve. It should be an honour in the Order of Jashin too."

Iruka wonders if the 33 people standing at the foot of the stairs are going to stop staring at Naruto in absolute horror any time soon. It is funny, but it is also kinda sad. The Order of Jashin, a cult of mass murderers, looks like a litter of kicked puppies.

"Come on," says Naruto. "Don't you wanna see the inside of Jashin's temple, 'tebayo? All you have to do is help us clean it and I'll teach you how to get past the barrier."

The Order starts lower their weapons, adopting expressions of curiosity, surprise and wonder.

"We can go past the barrier?" asks one lady. "But we aren't the leader."

"Well, I'm the leader, and I say that the high ranking members of the order should get a special seal that allows them to pass the barrier whenever they want," says Naruto self-importantly. "And that the lower ranked members should have to use the temporary way of getting in and out like Neji, Grandpa and Shisui are using, 'tebayo."

"The barrier is keyed to two bloodlines," says Iruka, seeing that the Order needs more explanation. "Mine and Naruto's. My mother's cousin's grandfather's brother was you founder, and old leader. He had odd ideas, and did not want just anyone taking over after him, so he made the rule that the next person to go past the barrier unharmed must be the next leader. Naruto filled that requirement for you, and now that he is leader, I think you may find he will change a few things about your Order."

"Yeah, like you all gotta clean up the Temple, because it's a disgrace to Jashin the way it is now, dattebayo," says Naruto.

Various members of the Order smile winningly, making Iruka think of happy puppies. "We would be honoured to serve Lord Jashin by cleaning his Temple!"


	143. The Age-Old Debate Resurfaces

Naruto uses his blood to draw the safety seal on the High Priests of Jashin. Once the seal is dry, they will be able to go in and out of the Temple as much as they want. He also teaches the high priests how to draw the seal so they can draw it on their underlings in inc for one-time access.

"Alright," says Naruto's Grandpa, once the Order all have seals of either inc or blood on their arms. "Let's go clean the Temple! Come, Shisui - you must help."

"Why not the rest of the team?" asks Shisui, looking a bit disappointed.

"Because we are going to examine Neji's seal," explains Iruka-nii. "And since Neji is staying here with us, you have to guard Arashi. That is why we are travelling with him, remember?"

"Oh, yeah, we're on a mission. Forgot about that." Shisui laughs nervously and scratches the back of his head.

"This is what happens when you pick up a random team member on your way out," sighs Neji, crossing his arms and shaking his head.

"He's not the smartest of Uchihas, is he, eh?" comments Pantsu.

Naruto, Iruka and Naruto's Grandpa all start laughing. Neji's face twitches. If Gramps Pants knew about Itachi he would laugh too, probably.

"Alright Neji," says Iruka, briskly. "Let's have a look at that seal of yours." Neji takes off his forehead protector, revealing the Caged Bird Seal. Iruka gazes at it with mild fascination. "This is a horrible seal."

"It is, eh," agrees Gramps Pants, leaning over to get a look at Neji's seal. "This seal makes it a little too easy to enslave someone, eh?"

Looking slightly uncomfortable being so close to Iruka and Pantsu, Neji says, "That's the point of it. It is a slavery seal."

Naruto sits on his heels and stares at the Caged Bird seal. The sight of the seal brings back the memory of his fight against Neji in the chunin exams. Naruto only won that fight because of the Nine Tails.

The Nine Tails.

He's kept enslaved by a seal too. Enslaved by Naruto.

Naruto did as Iruka suggested and talked to Killer Bee about being a jinchuuriki, but now he is even more conflicted about the whole thing.

* * *

 _Naruto drags Killer Bee to the stream where he trained with Pervy Sage._

" _What's this about, fool, ya fool?" asks Killer Bee. Something about her speech sounds unnaturally forced._

" _I don't know how to feel about being a jinchuuriki," says Naruto, all in a rush. He wants to get this over with as soon as possible. "People expect me to control Mr. Nine Tails, and I know lots of jinchuuriki - like Gaara - will die if they can't control their bijuu. But I don't want to, it doesn't feel right. People say it doesn't matter and that it's better for everyone if the tailed beasts are sealed away, but it all sounds like slavery to me, and I don't blame Mr. Nine Tails for trying to destroy the Leaf whenever he gets the chance cause I probably would too in his position, and that thought scares me. My Uncle said you'd be able to help because you befriended the Eight Tails...what should I DOOOO?!" Naruto whines out the last word helplessly._

 _Killer Bee is silent for an agonizingly long time. She stands with her arms crossed and her eyes focused on the ground, nodding every so often. Naruto waits impatiently, feeling as if he might die from the suspense._

 _Finally, Killer Bee looks at Naruto and says, with rhythm, "Y_ ou got a dilemma, like I've never seen. You heart is pure and motives true, but me and Eight Tails got some advice for you _." Music starts playing, and Naruto realizes Bee is trying to rap. "Y_ ou don't wanna control the kyuubi, and Eight Tails is touched, but he wants to warn you: if you don't control the fox, the fox will control you, fool, ya fool. The mighty bijuu, they respect strength, and if you can tame the Nine Tails, he might respect yours - but that's all speculation of course. Fool, I agree with you, ya fool: the bijuu should not be enslaved, but our ancestors were after POWER, they had different ideas back then, and now we have to pick up the slack! YEAH!"

" _Umm…" Naruto is even more confused than before. "That made no sense, 'tebayo."_

"Let me lay it down, it's plain to see," _raps Killer Bee._ "I agree, imprisoning bijuu is wrong, but by this time they are all messed up and need our love. Like a wild cat, he needs to be tamed, to know who's the boss, fool ya fool. First comes respect, then friendship ya see: soon enough you'll be like Gyuuku and me. We started out rocky, and hated one another and now we friends, ain't nothing gonna sever-"

" _BEEE!" the Raikage barrels through the trees and grabs Killer Bee in a headlock, preventing her from rapping another word. "I told you NO RAPPING! WE ARE LEAVING!" then he turns to Naruto. "I am sorry you had to hear that. You are too young for the kind of emotional scarring Bee's rapping will cause on a mind."_

" _But I need to talk to Bee!" protests Naruto._

" _Not my problem, brat!" growls the Raikage, and runs off, dragging Bee along with him._

" _What just happened?" yells Naruto, pulling at his hair in frustration. "That didn't help at all!"_

* * *

"Naruto, what are you flashbacking about?" asks Iruka, interrupting Naruto's flashback.

"That one useless piece of advice I got from you about talking to Killer Bee," says Naruto, pulling a face. "Bee was no help at all. This just reminded me of the conversation, that's all."

"I see," says Iruka, raising his eyebrows. "So you are still no closer to figuring out your dilemma?"

"No," says Naruto, sulking.

"Hey!" Burifu runs over to them, covered from head to toe in thick mud. "When are we gonna start the sealing stuff? I am bored of making mud pies."

"Now," says Naruto, firmly. "I am done flashbacking for now, 'tebbayo."

"Good," says Neji, nodding firmly. "Flash backing when you are involved is uncomfortably life changing."

"Isn't that a good thing?" asks Iruka, dryly.

"OI!" yells Burifu indignantly. "You said we were doing sealing! I want to do sealing!"

"You heard the girly, eh," drawls Pantsu, puffing on his pipe. "Let's get on with deciphering just how badly the Hyuuga clan messed up mah seal, eh."

* * *

Mikoto is taking a little too much pleasure in teaching Itachi how to knit baby cardigans. Itachi is annoyed and frustrated by the task, but part of her grounding sentence is handcrafts that she detests. So Itachi must knit, and Mikoto is taking great delight in her daughter's suffering. Mostly because, for once, Itachi is behaving like the teenager she is.

"Can we stop now?" asks Itachi, petulantly. She glares daggers at the dog's breakfast she made of her knitting project.

Mikoto smiles sweetly. "Of course not. You wouldn't abandon your training simply because it was unpleasant and did not go your way, would you?"

"No…" forces out Itachi, through gritted teeth.

"Hello, ladies," says Fugaku, cheerfully as he enters the living room with Eizo tucked under his arm. Eizo is mostly upside down, with the Hokage hat sitting on his bottom.

"Hi Dad," says Itachi, quickly. "Do I really have to do this knitting?"

"If you mother says you do, then you do," says Fugaku, quite firmly.

Mikoto smiles promisingly at Fugaku over the top of Itachi's head. Fugaku winks knowingly back.

"EW!" says Itachi, uncharacteristically whiny. "Get a room!"

"We will," says Mikoto cheerfully. "Now get back to that knitting."

Itachi pulls a face and goes back to angrily failing to knit evenly. Then she scowles indignantly. "Stop that!" Itachi snaps, glaring down at her stomach. "That feels weird! Stop it!"

"Itachi, who are you talking to?" demands Mikoto.

"My baby," snaps Itachi, moodily. "It is kicking me."

Mikoto laughs. "Get used to it," she says.

Fugaku dumps Eizo on Mikoto's lap and heads for the window.

"Where are you going?" asks Mikoto. "You are on dinner duty tonight."

"I am going to kill Shisui," says Fugaku calmly. "I'll bring home some takeaways when I am done."

"Dad, Shisui went on a mission," says Itachi. "He will be out of the village for a while, so you won't be able to find him, kill him and be back in time for dinner."

"How do I not know of this?" demands Fugaku. "I need to know where Shisui is at all times so I can chase him all over the village screaming bloody murder every time Itachi hits a pregnancy milestone."

"Fugaku," says Mikoto patiently. "There is a way you can attempt to kill him from the safety and comfort of our living room. But I will tell you once you have gotten us our dinner."

"PIZZA!" shouts Eizo. "Me want pizza! Daddy make pizza!"

"What kind?" asks Fugaku, sighing and glancing out the window longingly.

"Pineapple!" yells Eizo.

"No!" protests Mikoto. "You don't put pineapple on pizza!"

"Yes you do," argues Itachi.

Fugaku sighs and sneaks out of the room while Mikoto, Itachi and Eizo argue about whether or not pineapple belongs on pizza. Itachi and Eizo are in favour, Mikoto is horrified she gave birth to not one, but TWO children who like pineapple pizza. The argument does not matter in the end, because Fugaku makes two pizzas, one of which has pineapple and one that Mikoto hogs to herself while her husband joins her children in eating the awful pineapple pizza.


	144. Let's Do Another Montage!

The Order of Jashin finds and cleans a device that plays music. They set it to play while they clean the temple. Many of the Order start dancing while they dust and clean. Arashi finds himself dancing too, sometimes. There is only a limited number of songs on the recording device, and before the first day is out, all those in the temple are singing along to the songs. Dust rags swish in time to the music, mops clean in patterns, showing how thick the dust is. Every now and again a dust cloud poofs up, making everyone cough and dive for cover until it settles.

" _We are fighting dreamers,_ " Arashi finds himself singing as he dusts a particularly odd-looking gadget. That's about the only line he knows of that song, but judging by the amount of cleaners who joined in with just that line, he is not the only one. He is not the only one who hums along to the rest of the song, either.

* * *

The sealing team spends hours pouring over the Caged Bird Seal, trying to decipher it. Iruka copies it out onto a scroll in order to be able to study it while Neji helps clean the temple. Iruka and Pantsu soon move on to figuring out how to remove the seal. Naruto and Burifu help, although they mostly just learn from the more experienced seal masters. It is difficult to tell how far Burifu is on her sealing journey, but he does not think she is at master level.

Burifu spends more time making mud pies than helping with the Caged Bird seal, after all. Naruto, on the other hand, spends some days helping Arashi and some helping Iruka and Pantsu. Naruto, Neji and Burifu are all great friends now, and Iruka thinks they are adorable.

* * *

Over the ten days it takes to clean the Temple of Jashin, Naruto spends a lot of time thinking. Sometimes he helps Iruka-nii and Gramps Pants with Neji's seal. Sometimes he helps Grandpa, Neji and the Order of Jashin clean the Temple. Sometimes he and Neji play with Burifu. But all the while, Naruto is searching his mind for answers.

What should he do about Mr. Nine Tails? Did Naruto's parents love him or not? Why was he the one who had to bear all this?

Sparky is set loose inside the temple, as there is no way for him to get out by himself. Naruto still feels bad about the leash, but knows it is necessary. He doesn't like it, but it is necessary. Does the same hold true for sealing away Mr. Nine Tails? No matter how much Naruto doesn't like it, is it necessary? But would it be necessary if Mr. Nine Tails had never been sealed away in the first place? If Sparky wasn't Naruto's responsibility, he would not need to keep him on a leash: Sparky would be free to do whatever he wanted. But Sparky is Naruto's responsibility.

And so is Mr. Nine Tails.

Naruto wishes he could have talked with Bee longer and learned what it means to have a Tailed Beast as your responsibility.

* * *

When the cleaning is finished, Arashi begins to document everything in the temple. Unlike the well-maintained Temple of Steve, the Temple of Jashin is not organized very well. Nothing is labeled well, and it seems as if everything is simply put where it looks the best. Arashi is so lost that he has to drag in Iruka to help. Iruka figures out that everything is categorized by the person who made or documented it, and ordered by its perceived importance to the Hidden Whirlpool.

However, what is considered important is a lot different from what is considered cool. The cool stuff is in the centre, on the raised dais, and the fancy pedestals, while the important stuff is on the shelves. The more important it is, the higher up it is. The fact everything is mainly organized by author means that some cool stuff is high up with the vastly important other things the author made. In a perfect illustration of the weird categorizing, there is a book of cat pictures with a hefty device containing a recording of the life of one Uzumaki Queen. And that is only one half of the picture. There is also a list of the Uzumaki and Umino clan heads, complete with portraits, in with the cool stuff because the author also made a comprehensive list of every hair-dying seal. Apparently, if someone has the seal put on them, their hair will turn whatever colour the seal dictates until the seal is removed. If the hair is removed, it will grow back within the hour.

The people of the Whirling Tides were truly amazing.

* * *

Pantsu missed the Umino clan. Like, really missed those cool dudes with their boring, perfect hair that would make an Uchiha jealous and their unbreakable common sense. Not to mention their amazing fuuinjutsu skills and immunity to nonsense - unless they get dragged into the nonsense. Then they become the nonsense.

Pantsu puffs on his pipe and studies the Umino studying the Caged Bird Seal. The Blonde Uzumaki - an odd phenomenon - is staring at the seal like he is not sure if he should be destroying it or learning all its secrets. Lying on his tummy with his head in his hands, Naruto reminds Pantsu of his great nephew - or whatever the relation is - Nawaki Senju. It was a proud day for Pantsu when he introduced Tsunade to alcohol. Pity she will only remember Pantsu while she is drunk now. Little Nawaki was disturbed by the whole affair, the poor, helpless Senju.

"What if we try removing the seal, like when we practiced placing and removing that confetti seal?" asks Naruto, poking the scroll upon which the Caged Bird Seal is copied.

"Confetti?" asks Pantsu. "Did ya make a seal that spits confetti, eh?"

"Yep!" says Naruto. "Infinite Confetti, 'tebbayo. And we had these special scrolls to practice removing it from different surfaces. I have a bunch of scrolls for practicing removing things from the human body. We could use them to figure out how to remove the Caged Bird Seal from Neji, dattebayo."

"I brought some too," nods Iruka. "I figured we would need them eventually."

Naruto whips out one of the special scrolls - Patsu knows all about them, he may or may not have been the one who invented them - unrolls it and draws the Caged Bird Seal on it before Iruka even has time to talk sense into the little blonde. Naruto then tries to deactivate the seal, only to have it explode in his face.

"Well, that's a start, eh," comments Pantsu, puffing out some square smoke rings. "We now know one way to not do it, eh."

* * *

Neji is kept so busy he has no time to be impatient, or to worry that Iruka, Naruto and Pantsu will not find a way to undo the Caged Bird Seal. Even once the cleanup is done, there is still a lot of information to go through. Arashi is determined to make a record of everything he finds important, and he spends two weeks doing just that. (Why Naruto's grandpa thinks a folder full of pictures of kittens and puppies is important is not something Neji wants to question.)

None of any of it concerns Burifu, who is quite content to make a mud lake nearby and ignore any part she should have in the sealing. Neji does his best to keep away from Burifu when she is covered in mud because ew. (EEEWWWW.) Neji hates mud. And yet, here he is, walking straight towards the muddy five year old to tell her that it is nearly lunchtime, and she needs to wash the mud off. There is really no point in getting her to wash the mud off, Neji thinks sourly. She will just get muddy again.

"Burifu!" Neji calls when he is close enough to be heard, but still out of touching range. "It's nearly lunchtime! Come and wash the mud off so you don't get it in your food!"

"Mud is healthy!" protests Burifu from the centre of her lake. "It is natural, and stuff! So there!" she sticks her tongue out at Neji.

Neji takes a step closer to the horrible mud and threatens, "Don't make me come in there and drag out out!"

"Don't make me come over there and drag you in, pussy!" yells back the small mud-monster.

Neji sees red. How dare she call him a pussy! Using his water walking technique, Neji runs over the top of the mud lake to drag that little brat to good, wholesome, clean grass.

A moment later, he is face down in the largest mud puddle he has ever laid eyes on. Burifu is standing triumphantly on his back laughing. Neji raises his head and screams in terror. His hair is dirty! His clothes are ruined!

* * *

Naruto hears a terrified, and somewhat angry scream ring out from the direction of Burifu's mud puddle. He and Iruka look up from their fuuinjutsu to see Naruto's Grandpa and Gramps Pants run, as fast as their old legs can carry them, towards the mud puddle. Naruto shrugs and goes back to his sealing. Not his problem.

After a minute or two, Naruto hears Neji yell angrily, "Why are you just watching? HELP ME!"

Wondering what Neji is doing in Burifu's mud puddle, Naruto wanders over to see what is happening. What is happening is that Burifu keeps pushing Neji into the mud while Naruto's Grandpa and Gramps Pants watch and chat like a couple of old people.

Oh, that's right. They are old people.

Naruto thinks that covering Neji in mud looks like fun, and he heads over to join in. But when he gets closer to the two old geezers, Naruto hears what they are talking about and stops to listen.

"So why did you decide to visit the temples?" Gramps Pants asks, puffing on his pipe.

"There were so many inconsistencies in the information I had," explains Naruto's Grandpa. "I want to figure out what really happened to the Hidden Whirlpool, and what went so wrong. But I cannot figure it out with the information I had before, so I thought I would go to the source and visit the Whirlpool ruins and the storage vaults. Maybe once I have, I will be able to figure out what happened."

"So you don't believe that the other nations all attacked the Whirlpool at once, then?" asks Gramps Pants.

"No, something is off about that story," says Naruto's Grandpa. "I only have one side of the story: the survivors' side. But what about those who died? What did they see? I must know. I must know both sides of the story."

 _Both sides of the story._

The words ring in Naruto's head. What if the answer to his problem is within his reach, after all? What if Naruto went into his seal and asked Mr. Nine Tails for his side of the story?

Naruto turns and runs into the trees, finds a quiet place and sits down. Then he closes his eyes, takes a deep, calming breath, and enters his seal. "Hello Mr. Nine Tails, Sir," Naruto says, staring up at the glowing eyes behind the huge, sealed gate.

A purring growl rolls out from the darkness. "What do you want, Naruto?" asks Mr. Nine Tails.


	145. His Name is Kurama

Kurama was having a nice nap before Naruto woke him up by barging into the seal. "What do you want Naruto?" Kurama demands, growling. Why can't the damn human leave him alone?

"Um...well…" Naruto twists his hands together nervously. "Could you, maybe...I dunno...tell me your tragic backstory, dattebayo?"

It's not like the little brat to be so timid unless he is facing his grandmother. Now _that_ is a woman worthy of fear.

Naruto waits.

Kurama stares. Did the brat just ask for his life story?

"Please?" adds Naruto, complete with the biggest, wateryest eyes Kurama ever saw in a human.

Naruto cannot possibly be serious. Maybe Kurama can just tell him some shortened crap that leaves out most of everything. Hopefully then the kid will leave him be and go act like every other human. It will hurt more than it did with the others once Naruto starts treating Kurama like a mindless slave.

"Fine," growls Kurama. "I'll tell you my story…"

* * *

 _Once there lived a giant nine-tailed fox who was so large and powerful that he could knock the tops off mountains and level valleys with a swipe of a single tail. For years he roamed the Land of Fire, mostly minding his own business. Then one day, he was enslaved by a powerful man and forced to attack the Village Hidden in the Leaves. The people of the village fought desperately until their leader, The Fourth Hokage, was able to seal the fox away, dying in the process…_

* * *

"I call Bullshit!" interrupts Naruto. "I know you were already sealed away long before even my Mum was born! I want to know the TRUTH! Tell me the TRUTH!"

Kurama roars at Naruto. That little s###!

"Who are you?" Naruto roars back. "Where did you come from? What's your name? What happened to your parents?"

Kurama feels sadness stab him right in the heart when he remembers the Sage of Six Paths.

* * *

 _The newborn fox opens his eyes for the first time and looks around at the world. There are eight others with him. A raccoon dog with one tail, a cat with two tails a turtle with three tails, a monkey with four tails, a horse-dolphin with five tails, a bubble slug with six tails, an insect with seven tails, an ox-octopus with eight tails and him: a fox with nine tails._

" _Hello," says a soft voice from down below the fox. He and the other eight newborn creatures look towards the voice to see an old man standing beside them. The old man has a double ended staff in his hands, ringed purple eyes and a red, eye-like circle on his forehead. The old man is much smaller than the fox - he only reaches the fox's shoulders, and he is smaller around than just one of the fox's tails. "I am Hagoromo Otsutsuki, and I made all nine of you. I suppose that makes me your father."_

 _The old man smiles around at the nine creatures and sits down. The fox and his siblings crowd around their father, curious._

" _I suppose I had better think up names for you," says their father thoughtfully. He looks around at his children and, after what feels like an age to the newborn fox, he points to the cat. "Your name is Matatabi," he says. Then he turns to the bug. "Your name is Chomei, and you…" he turns to the racoon-dog. "You are Shukaku." then he turns to the monkey. "Your name is Son Goku." then to the horse-dolphin, their father says, "Your name can be...um...Kokuo. You…" he turns to the octopus-ox. "Guyki. And…" he turns to the turtle. "Isobu." then their father turns to the bubble slug. "Your name is Saiken." Finally, he turns to the fox. "Your name is...let's see...I know! Your name is Kurama."_

* * *

"Wait!" interrupts Naruto, laughing.. "Your name is Kurama? That's hilarious, 'tebayo!"

"Shut up, fishcake!" retorts Kurama, baring his teeth at Naruto. "How am I supposed to monologue if you keep interrupting?"

"Sorry," says Naruto, still giggling. "I'll stop interrupting now, 'ttebayo."

"Hmmph," grunts Kurama, and goes back to telling his story.

* * *

 _Kurama's Dad teaches him and his siblings to control their chakra, and to talk and play. They have a lot of fun together each day, and in the evening, the nine bijuu curl up together in a big, furry heap and sleep in on eachother. Their Dad is usually somewhere close by trying not get squashed by the nine giant babies who often wake up in the middle of the night scared and wanting hugs. Shukaku is the worst, constantly waking up crying and refusing to go back to sleep in case the bad dreams came back for him. Saiken, Matatabi and Kurama are sound sleepers, and would not wake up in the night at all, except for their noisy siblings._

 _Kurama is glad when Shukaku decides to just not sleep ever again._

 _The wimp._

 _Isobu spends most of his time splashing in puddles and laughing. Son Goku loves to play in waterfalls, he even starts calling himself The King of the Water Screen Cave. Kurama just rolls his eyes every time Son comes up with a new title. But if Kurama should be rolling his eyes at anything, it is Gyuuki. He goes through...a phase._

 _Fortunately for all who have to listen to Gyuuki's rapping, Gyuuki is actually an amazing rapper._

 _Kurama is glad Gyuuki's rapping is not annoying - unlike Chomei. Chomei takes his species seriously and bugs everyone. He is super happy and super annoying and super noisy. Chomei bugs Kokuo the most. Kokuo is so cool and polite she doesn't bat a lady-like eyelash at Chomei's cheerful antics._

 _Annoying the two girls is a popular past time. While Chomei is busy following Kokou around like a bad smell, Saiken is annoying Matatabi. Kurama does not interfere, wanting to see how long it will take until Saiken gets his face clawed off for blowing snot bubbles on the cat. In the end, their Dad has to step in to prevent Matatabi for avenging her soiled fur._

 _Kurama likes knocking over Shukaku's sandcastles to see how the raccoon will react. Shukaku usually either cries or gets mad and attacks Kurama, who always kicks Shukaku's butt. It's because Kurama has more tails and therefore is the strongest of the siblings. Shukaku is personally offended by the tails thing (even though their Dad never actually disputes it) and starts ranting on about how tail number does not matter. But Kurama is proud of his tails, so he cleans them before and after every nap in the sun. And Kurama takes a lot of those._

 _Their Dad is old, and the day eventually comes when he tells the nine siblings they must make their own way in the world. "You are all different to how you were when you lived inside me as one being," he tells the bijuu. "Now you are all going your separate ways, and will live lives apart from each other. But someday you will be reunited. I will watch over you all until that day. Because I am old, I cannot stay in this world or I will die. Instead, I will join my brother and watch over you from…" he pauses and frowns. "Well, I won't be dead, so it's not the afterlife - but I won't be alive either...I'll sorta, maybe...kinda...be dead - or something. Yes: it is definitely the 'Or Something'."_

 _Before he leaves them, the bijuu's Dad takes them each to a different temple. The temples are spread out a fair distance from each other, and they each have a group of attendants to care for them. Kurama misses his Dad and his siblings, but he enjoys the freedom of living in his temple in the middle of nowhere. He explores the surrounding area, takes naps outside in the sun and watches the birds. He discovers his chakra has healing properties, and that dead plants come back to life when he is nearby. Kurama's caregivers take up gardening and learn healing ninshu._

 _As the years pass, the humans turn away from the ninshu Kurama's Dad taught and begin using ninjutsu. Kurama is not a fan of ninjutsu, or the humans who use it. His caregivers are long since dead by this time, and are replaced by followers. Kurama's followers still use ninshu: he does not want them to use anything else. As the centuries pass, Kurama grows bigger and stronger. His temple is attacked by bandits and ninja clans, which he and his followers fight off._

 _The ninja clans go to war, tearing the lands apart. After centuries of conflict, the humans start forming alliances. Villages are built by clans that used to be mortal enemies. War torn countries finally know peace. And two men called Madara Uchiha and Hashirama Senju start travelling the world finding and sealing away Kurama's siblings. When he feels their chakra approaching, Kurama goes out to meet them, telling his followers that even if he loses the battle, they must stay and carry on without him._

 _Kurama meets Madara and Hashirama in a forest some miles away. "What do you want?" Kurama demands, ready to attack if they do not leave._

" _You," says the man with the black hair. He looks into Kurama's eyes with the spinning red sharingan: the eye that looks the same as the Sage of Six Paths' third eye. The moment Kurama meets Madara's eyes, the world turns red and becomes a blur of destruction and hate._

 _When Kurama finally comes to after so long under genjutsu, he is sealed tightly inside a woman named Mito Uzumaki. "I cannot let you run loose…" Hashirama Senju says, as Mito seals Kurama inside herself._

" _...please just stay quiet and don't try to escape…" Mito says, then ignores Kurama for the rest of her life._

 _Then Kurama is sealed into a hot-headed little girl named Kushina Uzumaki. She says the same things as the other two, but phrases it as,"...I will be keeping you under control from now on." Kurama bides his time, remembering that he had a chance to break out of Mito once, but the sealmasters stopped him from escaping. And, sure enough, the day comes when Kushina gives birth to her son Naruto, and the seal holding Kurama nearly cracks open. Kurama does his best to get out, but Kushina's husband holds the seal closed._

 _Then a masked man appears out of nowhere and rips Kurama out of Kushina. Once again, Kurama finds himself looking into the sharingan eye._

 _The world turns into a haze of red, death and anger. Kurama does not know what is happening until he comes to his senses in the heart of the Leaf Village. Shinobi attack him from all sides, determined to drive him out of their village. Kurama fights back, confused as to how he got there, but glad for the chance to wreak vengeance on those who held him prisoner for so long. Kurama's efforts are futile, and he is soon sealed away again: half of him is sealed into Steve the Shinigami along with the Fourth Hokage, and the other half of Kurama is sealed into Naruto Uzumaki._

 _Kurama is angry about being sealed away again, but at least this new seal is just a cage. The last two seals had him chained down. Glad he can at least move around, Kurama curls up to sleep until he can find a way to break free of this seal too. Naruto reminds Kurama of the Sage of Six Paths, and it every bruise, every cut, all the poison Naruto ingests, every time Naruto gets sick - Kurama heals it all._

 _But Kurama still thinks humans are evil._


	146. Pirate Ship

**AN: This is funny, so I thought I would share it. As some of you know, Ignus Dracorex and I write several chapters in advance. Since we live quite a way away from each other, we use an online document through Google docs. While I was writing chapter 165 last night, the document informed me it could not save. Turns out the story is too long for the Google Drive to handle so we had to split it and transfer this arc to a new document. The really funny part is that we only planned for this story to be a few, nice, concise arcs and then it would be done. Now the story is too big for the internet cache. XD**

* * *

Sasuke is finally allowed to sit up in bed. Her arm is still in a sling, and her leg is still in a cast, but she is down to just bandages around her torso. After so long lying on her back and getting turned over every so often to prevent bedsores, being able to sit up and move a little is like heaven to Sasuke. She still gets bored as soon as the novelty wears off, though. But, hey: she can stare out the window into the hospital courtyard now.

Wait…

Sasuke sits up a little straighter. Is that Eizo toddling across the hospital courtyard? What is he doing down there? Why isn't there anyone with him? Sasuke watches Eizo like a hawk as the toddler crosses the hospital courtyard and disappears inside. A harrowingly long time later, a triumphant Eizo bursts into Sasuke's hospital room, a huge grin plastered on his face and a bundle of scrunched up newspapers under his arm.

"Eizo!" scolds Sasuke. "What are you doing here all by yourself?"

"I climb stairs!" announces Eizo. "I come play with Pretty Big Sister!"

"Um… does anyone know you're here?" Sasuke is worried that her parents are freaking out right about now.

"No! I sneak like ninja!" Eizo marches up to Sasuke's bed. "Pirates!" he says, slapping his bundle on Sasuke's bed then climbing up beside it. Eizo sits beside Sasuke, his legs folded under him and his feet sticking out on either side of his bottom. Eizo unfolds his newspaper, revealing two paper hats and two wooden swords. Eizo puts one hat on his own head and holds the other hat out to Sasuke. "Pirate hat," he says, grinning.

"No," Sasuke refuses.

"Pirate Hat!" growls Eizo, aggressively jamming the paper hat down on Sasuke's head. Then he shoves one of the wooden swords into Sasuke's uninjured hand and says, "Pirate sword."

Realizing her brother has her trapped, Sasuke sighs and resigns herself to her fate. "Fine, I'll be a pirate."

Eizo picks up his sword and runs to the end of Sasuke's bed. "Pirate ship!" he yells. "YOHOHOHO!"

"Um...yohoho?" Sasuke holds up her sword, glad that no one is watching.

* * *

Shisui has a letter. It just arrived by messenger hawk, and has the Hokage's seal on it. Shisui looks afraid to open it, but Iruka, sensing great fun, encourages Shisui to open his letter. Nervously, Shisui unrolls the letter scroll and stares at it. A moment later, he drops the scroll and tries to run away. A cloud of glitter explodes out of the scroll, enveloping Shisui. Shisui shunshins away, but the glitter sticks to him. Then the glitter starts exploding, and Iruka starts laughing. The tiny, pin-prick explosions barely do any damage, but Shisui panics and starts yelling and trying to brush off the glitter before it can explode.

Iruka, seeing that Shisui is in no real danger, goes back to studying the Caged Bird Seal. The practice scroll is spread out on the grass in front of Iruka, waiting for someone to remove the seal from it. But so far, all attempts to remove the seal have ended in failure that would have spelled death for the person wearing the seal had it been on a person rather than a scroll. Iruka beins work on his new idea of how to remove the seal. He draws a sequence of seal designs around the caged bird seal, creating a counter seal. Then Iruka activates the counter seal and attempts to remove the Caged Bird Seal from the test scroll.

The seal begins to work, unravelling the Caged bird seal. But the counter seal takes too much of Iruka's chakra, and he is forced to release the jutsu. The seal seems to be working, but Iruka will need help to use it. Where are Naruto and Pantsu?

Iruka looks around and sees Pantsu standing a short distance away, helping Arashi clean the mud off Neji and Burifu. _Good grief_ , thinks Iruka. _Someone should teach Neji that mud is not his mortal enemy._ The poor boy is shaking and looks quite traumatized. Burifu, of course, is just as amused by the whole situation as Arashi and Pantsu.

Iruka wonders where Naruto is. He gets up and checks the Temple. He is not inside. None of the Order knows where he is either. Iruka, now feeling a bit worried, goes over to Burifu, who is now happily brushing Neji's hair. "Burifu," says Iruka, trying not to sound worried. "Do you know where Naruto is?"

Burifu puffs up her cheeks. "He's over there," she says, pointing to some thick shrubbery nearby. "He's been there for ages."

"Oh good," says Iruka. "He hasn't wandered too far away." Deciding to leave Naruto to do whatever he obviously does not want to be interrupted while doing, Iruka adds, "Come on, you two. It's lunch time."

* * *

Eizo is missing. Mikoto is about ready to break down and cry, but Fugaku has an idea of where he might be. "I think I know where he might be," Fugaku tells his wife in an effort to calm her down. "I'll just go check there. Stay here in case someone finds him and brings him home."

"Okay," agrees Mikoto, biting her knuckles with worry.

Fugaku heads to the hospital. Eizo probably went to visit Sasuke like he did the last time he wandered off on his own. When he arrives at the hospital, Fugaku heads straight up to Sasuke's room. Seeing that the door is open, Fugaku looks around the door to see if Eizo really is there and his heart melts.

Eizo is there. Eizo and Sasuke both have newspaper hats on their heads and wooden swords in their hands. Eizo is standing on the end of Sasuke's hospital bed, holding his sword high. "PIRATE SHIP!" Eizo yells, bouncing up and down on the bed. He hangs onto the bed rail for balance, even though his feet never actually leave the bed.

"ARRGGHH!" Sasuke yells, a fierce look on her face, waving the sword over her head. "DOWN WITH THE NAVY!"

"FIRE CANNON!" Eizo yells, bouncing excitedly.

Sasuke starts making explosion noises and Eizo cheers heartily. Fugaku grins and runs over to the bed. He snatches up Eizo and says, "The Navy has captured you!"

"NOOOO!" screams Eizo.

"Dad!" squeeks Sasuke, blushing and dropping the wooden sword.

"Runaway pirates must be punished!" says Fugaku, holding Eizo up so they are at eye-level with each other. "I sentence you to nap time!"

"No nap!" protests Eizo.

Sasuke drops back onto her hospital bed. She looks very tired.

"I think you need a nap too," says Fugaku, smiling. "Can't let you off the hook for aiding and abetting."

Sasuke glares at Fugaku.

Fugaku takes the newspaper hat off Sasuke's head and picks up the wooden sword lying beside her. "I'll take these. You probably don't want them, do you?"

Sasuke pulls a face and shakes her head.

"Pretty Big sister play more!" says Eizo, tugging at Fugaku's shirt.

"No, you and big sister both need to take naps," says Fugaku. "That's what happens to pirates who get caught by the navy."

* * *

Naruto wipes the tears out of his eyes. "You had such a hard life!" he cries. "It must've been so lonely inside those jinchuuriki with no one to talk to, 'tebayo!"

"Okay, you've heard my story," growls Mr. Kurama. "Now go away!"

"But you haven't heard MY backstory yet!" says Naruto. "I wanna swap back stories-"

"I already know your life story!" growls Mr. Kurama. "I was there for your whole life!"

Naruto gasps. He never really realized that before. "That's right, you were!" he says, grinning excitedly and running up to the bars of Mr. Kurama's cage. "You've always been there for me! You're like a...a guardian angel, 'ttebayo!"

"I AM NOT YOUR GUARDIAN ANGEL!" roars Kurama, flipping Naruto off.

Naruto leaves the seal and runs off to find his Grandpa. "GRANDPA!" he yells when he sees his Grandpa. "Mr. Kurama's being mean to me!"

 _OI!_ Growls Mr. Kurama from inside the seal. _Don't tell on me!_

Naruto's Grandpa stares at him, an astonished expression on his face. "Kurama?" he says. "Isn't Kurama the patron of healers and gardeners?"

 _Oh good,_ says Mr. Kurama. _My followers are still around._

"He's also Mr. Nine Tails!" wines Naruto. "And he's being mean to me! He pulled the finger at me and said he's not my guardian angel!"

Naruto's grandpa laughs.

"What's so funny, 'tebayo?" demands Naruto, scowling.

"Never mind," giggles Naruto's grandpa. "Now come and have some lunch. Iruka says he needs your help to test a method of removing the Caged Bird Seal afterwards. You can befriend Kurama later."

"Yes, Grandpa," sighs Naruto.

 _I'm going back to sleep,_ says Mr. Kurama.


	147. Progress is Made

"NEJI!" yells Naruto, running into the Temple of Jashin, where Neji is helping Naruto's Grandpa document research. "We did it! We know how to remove the Caged Bird Seal!"

Neji drops the scrolls he is carrying and stares at Naruto, an expression of shock written all over his face. "You can remove it…?" he whispers in disbelief.

"That crummy seal is no match for two Uzumaki seal masters and an Umino seal master!" Naruto says, giving Neji a cheerful thumbs up. "We will remove it right away, dattebayo!"

"Go on, Neji," says Naruto's Grandpa. "We can handle things here, right guys?"

"Definitely!" chorus the members of the Order who are helping Arashi.

"Go for it, kid!" says Shisui, grinning over the top of the gadget he is putting back on a shelf.

Naruto grabs Neji's arm and drags him outside. Iruka and Gramps Pants are setting up for the un-sealing in the Temple courtyard, to the left of the top of the stairs. Iruka is smoothing out a large scroll on the ground and Gramps Pants is laying out brushes and ink.

"I have Neji!" says Naruto, dragging Neji over to the sealing station.

"Good," says Iruka. "Before we begin, Neji, there are a few things we need to go over. Firstly: this procedure will be painful. Secondly: it will take a few minutes to fully unravel the seal. Thirdly: we can stop the un-sealing at any point in the process, but if we stop for any reason, we will have to start over from the beginning, and it takes longer each time because the seal gets stronger the more we try to unravel it."

Neji looks a bit nervous.

"It'll be alright," says Naruto, reassuringly, slapping Neji on the back.

Neji staggers forward. "Ow!" he says, indignantly. Then Neji takes a nervous step towards Iruka. "I'm ready," he says. "Please remove my Caged Bird Seal!"

"Take off your forehead protector," says Iruka. "And lie down on this scroll."

Neji does so with a nervous, but excited, expression on his face.

"Alright," says Iruka, picking up a brush. "Lie absolutely still."

Naruto picks up a brush of his own and kneels down beside Neji's head. With Gramps Pants on Neji's left, Naruto on Neji's right and Iruka sitting at the crown of Neji's head, the sealing team is in position. Gramps Pantsu holds out the tray of sealing inc he mixed, and the three seal masters dip their brushes into it. Iruka draws a squiggly oval around the caged bird seal. Then Naruto, Iruka and Gramps Pants start drawing the sealing formula on Neji's face. As the draw the formula, the seal masters create a circle that spreads onto the sealing scroll and Neji's chest. Once the circle of sealing designs is completed, with Neji's Caged Bird Seal at the centre of it, each seal master draws a squiggly line branching from the seal to where they plan on sitting for the procedure. Then they lay down their brushes and form the seals: "Dragon, Monkey, Bird, Snake, Ox, Rat, Monkey, Boar, Hare, Dragon, Ram, Horse, Tiger, Bird, Tiger, Snake, Ox, Rat, Dragon, Rat, Monkey, Boar, Horse, Bird, Ram, Wind Release, Water Release, Earth Release, Fire Release, Lightning Release, Dragon, Monkey, Snake, Bird, Yin Release, Yang Release: Fuuiin, Caged Bird Unsealing!" Then, they clap their hands together and slam their hands down into the sealing scroll, sending their chakra down the squiggly lines and into the counter seal.

The seal formula glows white and the Caged Bird Seal glows red. Neji screams in pain, making Naruto flinch.

"Neji!" says Iruka, scowling with the effort of holding the seal. "Feel free to pass out. It won't affect the sealing, and it will make it easier on you. We only needed you awake to cast the jutsu."

Neji closes his eyes and goes limp.

"Are ya sure that's a good idea, eh?" asks Gramps Pantsu, completely nonplussed by the procedure. "We only tested this ten times, so there is still a chance we missed something, eh."

Gramps Pantsu is right: they did test the counter seal once each day for the last ten days since Naruto talked to Kurama. They needed to wait a whole day for Iruka's chakra to recover, and to give Gramps Pants and Naruto a chance to recover without relying on food. Between the three of them, they have exactly the amount of chakra required to use the counter seal. Burifu's help is not needed, and since she is only at Level Two, she might not be able to help anyway. If they had needed another person Iruka would have needed to send to Okami, Lord First or Lord Second for help, since the Order of Steve is not made up of Seal Masters. Only Burifu is learning Fuuinjutsu, and that is because she was chosen as Pantsu's successor.

But Naruto has no time for reflecting or flashbacking. Sealing is hard.

The Counter Seal turns blue at the outer edges, and the Caged Bird Seal turns a sickly green. The blue colour travels slowly through the counter seal to the centre, glowing brighter and brighter, until the Caged Bird Seal begins to turn blue.

The Order, Arashi, Burifu and Shisui emerge from the Temple and gather at a safe distance to watch.

Naruto focuses on the jutsu, ignoring the crowd of spectators. The seal is half finished, and this is where it starts to drain the chakra heavily. The counter seal starts to lift off Neji's skin in the centre, taking the Caged Bird Seal with it. The Caged Bird Seal lifts slowly, starting with the two lines on either side of the X in the centre. A doughnut-shaped bubble forms between the Caged Bird Seal and the outer edge of the counter-seal as the counter seal lifts. Soon, all that is left attached to Neji and the sealing scroll are the outer edges of the counter seal and the very centre of the Caged Bird Seal. Naruto, Iruka and Gramps Pantsu pour in their last surge of chakra. The seal turns white and lifts off Neji completely, hanging in the air. A blinding white light shines from the two jutsu as the sealing team releases the counter seal.

Then something happens that did not happen in the practice runs.

The seal and counter seal change shape, twisting into the shape of an eagle, which comes to life. It grows flesh and blood and snow white feathers, lets out a loud cry and flies away towards the mountains.

"That was unexpected," says Iruka, blinking a couple of times.

"That was so cool!" fangirls one of the Order.

Neji groans and opens his eyes. "Is it over?" he asks, touching his forehead.

"Yes," says Naruto, pulling out a mirror from one of his storage seals and handing it to Neji.

Neji takes the hand mirror, looks in it excitedly, sees his clean, unmarked forehead and laughs. "It's gone!" he says, nervously, as if he doesn't quite believe it.

"Yep," says Naruto. "It turned into a bird and flew away." He points at the white eagle flying away over the treetops. "That's it over there."

Neji looks up at the eagle. "I hope that bird is happy." Then he turns to Gramps Pants. "Grandfather," he says, calling Gramps Pants by the name most of the Order of Steve uses. "Will you put the Hidden Bird Seal on me?"

* * *

Madoka regrets his drunk decision to train with Lady Tsunade. He regrets it so much. Today's exercise is dodging giant projectiles, but Madoka has to heal all the bruises from the hand-to-hand combat practice they just finished while he does so. Tsunade is showing no mercy so, of course, Madoka is getting more bruises faster than he can heal the old ones.

"Dodge Nerd!" yells Tsunade, laughing. "Heal those bruises, before I come over there and break you like a twig!"

"She's drunk," mutters Madoka, and yelps as he jumps out of the way of a large tree. Unfortunately, Madoka does not jump far enough and is caught beneath the branches.

"HAHAHAHA!" laughs Tsunade, digging her fingers into the ground and ripping up a chunk of turf the size of Choji's appetite. She lifts it above her head and hurls the giant block of earth towards Madoka.

Madoka yells in terror, trying to free himself from the tree branches. He breaks free, but the boulder is too close for him to avoid. Instinct kicks in and Madoka lets loose another yell, this one a war cry. "SHANNAROO!" Madoka yells as he pulls back a fist, charges it with chakra and slams it into the oversized dirt-clod. The dirt breaks into pieces, and flies in many different directions, all of them away from Madoka.

"Good, Nerd!" laughs Tsunade, picking up one of the boulders she threw earlier.. "Now you're getting the idea!"

* * *

Tenten is at Kakashi sensei's house studying fuuinjutsu with Grandpa Tobirama. They are sitting inside at the kitchen table, reading through the Second Fuuinjutsu book.

"See these seals here?" Says Grandpa Tobirama.

"They are unfinished," says Tenten, squinting at them. "Why's that?"

"This book is designed for Uzumakis," explains Grandpa Tobirama. "They will see those seals and attempt to complete them. Sensible people, however, must be told they are meant to try and complete those seals."

"Oh," says Tenten. She pulls out a practice scroll and copies one of the unfinished seals perfectly. Then, making some guesses about what is supposed to go in the blanks, she fills them in. "Is that right?" she asks.

"You won't know unless you activate it, will you?" says Grandpa Tobirama.

Frowning, Tenten activates the seal. A punk guy in black and white with spiky hair and a chain necklace around his neck appears. He has no legs, just long, tattered robes covering the place his legs should be. He only has three fingers on each hand, a tassled earring in one ear and a quirky grin on his face.

"Who are you?" asks Tenten.

"I am Joe!" says the guy, enthusiastically. "I am one of the four shinigami. It's been ages since I was last summoned." He sees Grandpa Tobirama. "Hey, Tobirama! Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

"Yes," says Tobirama. "But someone used the Reanimation on me. I should've locked that jutsu up in your temple."

"Or, you know, you could've just not invented it," says Joe. "Who's the kid, and why's she learning the Grand Tradition?"

"She's my great-granddaughter-"

"JOE!" another guy with tattered robes where legs should be appears. This one is not wearing a shirt, and is wearing a big pendant shaped like a triangle in a circle around his neck. He is wearing an open vest, though. A ghost is hanging onto the bottom of this guy, who Tenten guesses is another shinigami.

"Lord Jashin!" the ghost is saying. "Can I wash your clothes for you? Or maybe cook for you? Or maybe I could haunt a house for you?"

"Shut up, Hidan!" snaps Jashin the shinigami.

"What's up with him?" asks Grandpa Tobirama. "And why are you here?"

"Joe is grounded and not allowed out," says Jashin. "Hidan here...well, let's just say a blonde Uzumaki forced me to take his soul." Jashin grabs Joe and both of them vanish.

"What?" says Tenten, staring at the space the two shinigami were a second ago.

Grandpa Tobirama sighs. "Allow me to explain the Grand Tradition of the Hidden Whirlpool, and how you just passed the Level Two test..."


	148. The Hidden Bird

Pantsu sits back on his butt when the unsealing is finished. The seal turning into a bird and flying away was a pretty legit thing to go down. But the thing that really gets Pantsu is how that Umino kid found a way to remove the seal after all. He and Naruto barely helped, except by providing ways to not remove the seal. That horrible thing is gone from the little Hyuuga, and now Pantsu is beginning to think that maybe, just maybe, he might be forgiven. Now that there is a way to remove the caged bird seal, perhaps Pantsu could be forgiven for making a way for it to be invented in the first place. And perhaps, just perhaps, it is about time Pantsu lifted the partial ban on members of the Order of Steve learning fuuinjutsu. Currently only those who already know it when they join are allowed to learn fuuinjutsu, and the Leader (Pantsu). Burifu is learning fuuinjutsu because she will be the leader when he dies.

But that is enough thinking. Thinking is for people who care about stuff. Stuff like books and not-cool learning and scholarly things, anyways.

Pantsu takes a deep puff on his pipe and watches as Neji opens his eyes.

"Is it over?" Neji asks, covering his beautifully clean forehead with his hand.

"Yes," says Naruto, and pulling a mirror out of a storage seal, hands it to Neji with a grin.

With an excited expression on his face, Neji takes the small mirror and looks into it. "It's gone!" he laughs. But he sounds nervous, as if he doesn't quite believe the seal is gone, or like he is afraid of something worse.

"Yep," says Naruto, pointing at the bird the Caged Bird Seal turned into. "It turned into a bird and flew away. That's it over there."

Neji looks up at the eagle and says, "I hope that bird is happy." Then he turns to Pantsu. "Grandfather," he asks. "Will you put the Hidden Bird Seal on me?"

And in that beautiful moment before the rest of the Leaf dudes start freaking out, Pantsu feels like a choir is singing around him. (Of course, that could be a side effect of the burning plants he is smoking.)

"Wait!" Naruto shouts, pointing at Neji. "Wasn't the whole point of taking the Caged Bird Seal off you so that you wouldn't have a seal anymore? Why do you want the Hidden Bird Seal, 'tebayo?"

"Neji, have you given this enough thought?" asks Iruka, a serious frown on his scarred face.

Arashi just stands there making unintelligible noises, a flabbergasted expression on his face.

Noticing that Shisui has not said anything, Pantsu puffs on his pipe and asks, "What are you thinking, Shisui mah dude?"

"I'm thinking that I want the Hidden Bird Seal too," says Shisui.

Pantsu drops his pipe.

"WHY?!" yells Naruto.

"Explain." Iruka frowns and crosses his arms.

"Ever since I made a name for myself as Shisui of the Shunshin I've been a target," says Shisui. "But enemies don't just want to kill me: they want my sharingan. And it's not just enemies, either. There are people in the Hidden Leaf who would take my eyes for power if they could. If someone got their hands on my eyes, they would have access to a tremendous amount of power. I want to keep that power out of the wrong hands, but I am afraid that someday I will meet someone who can defeat me and take my eyes. When that day comes, I would like to be able to look that person in the eye and tell them they will never get my eyes because my eyes will be destroyed when I die."

"I feel the same way," says Neji. "Part of the reason for me getting the Caged Bird Seal was so that enemies would not be able to take my eyes. That part of the seal never bothered me. In fact, I think it is a good idea to have a seal that will destroy my eyes when I die."

Pantsu has a brief flashback to when the Uchiha clan asked Pantsu to create the seal in the first place. Word-for-word, they said what Shisui said.

"Pantsu," says Iruka. "What do you think about this?"

"These two dudes get it," says Pantsu, picking up his pipe. "I invented the seal to destroy kekkei genkai: not just doujutsu. Even if your eyes were removed, if ya had the seal, dude, they would turn to ash as soon as you died."

"Please, give me the Hidden Bird Seal," says Shisui, walking over and kneeling down beside Neji.

Pantsu looks at the two young whippersnappers kneeling in front of him and feels unreasonably touched. "Very well," he says. "If the two of you are sure?"

"I am," says Shisui.

"I am am too," says Neji.

Pantsu takes a brush in each hand and draws the Hidden Bird Seal on each kid's forehead. "Fuuin: Hidden Bird Seal!" the two identical seals shine for a moment before vanishing. "There," he says. "It's done. The seal is invisible unless you mold, gather or use chakra."

"Thank you, Grandfather," says Neji.

"Yeah, thanks Gramps," grins Shisui.

Shisui and Neji turn to face each other and start gathering chakra. The seals appear on their foreheads in the same inc black Pantsu drew them in.

"Hey, it is the same as the Caged Bird seal," says Neji in surprise. "Except that there is a swirl instead of an X in the middle!"

"So, um, now that you've finished with the Caged Bird seal are you going back to the Order of Steve, Gramps?" asks Shisui.

"Nah, dude," says Pantsu. "I'm here for the adventure too, you know."

"Is that it?" says Iruka, looking confused. "That seems awfully simple for something created by an Uzumaki."

"Eh, well," says Pantsu. "I needed to make it simple for the Uchiha brains to understand. They aren't so great at fuuinjutsu. They prefer their swords and genjutsus."

"I can confirm," says Shisui, grinning.

"Great," says Arashi, turning and heading back to the temple. "Now I can get my research finished. Come on everyone! Let's study some history! And cat pictures!"

"I'm going to write a letter to Gaara!" says Naruto. "I'll help when I'm done. Then we can go and visit Inari!" He pulls out a pen and writing paper, and sits down on the steps to write his letter. Sparky flies down from the roof of the Temple to sit on Naruto's shoulder.

* * *

Gaara is brushing his teeth ready to stay up all night when a messenger bird flies through the bathroom window. It is no ordinary messenger bird, either: it is entirely made of fuuinjutsu. Gaara puts down his toothbrush and takes the letter the messenger bird is carrying. The bird flies away, presumably to return to its owner.

"I've never gotten a letter before," Gaara says, staring at the orange envelope in his hands. Gaara is not sure what to do with it. Maybe he should just read it. The envelope is addressed "TO GAARA. IN THE HIDDEN SAND." Gaara turns the envelope over and sees "(From Naruto)" written in the top left corner. "It's from Naruto!" Gaara grins, happy that his friend wrote him a letter.

Gaara sits down on the bathroom floor and tears open the envelope. He pulls out his letter and unfolds it, his heart hammering at his chest.

"Dere Gaara," he reads. "It's Naruto here. I just had a nice long chat with Mr. Nine Tails and lerned lots of things from him. Firstly, his name is Kurama, and he's Shukaku's brother. They are from a big famly. They're the Sage of Six Paths's kidz and so are the other tailed beasts. Kurama told me lots of things and I'll tell you about them next time we see eech utha. But rite now i'll tell you all about Shukaku. He likes making sand casles and he is a winy little wimp. Shukaku hates sleeping because he got nite mares when he was a babie. May be he wood sleep if you read him a bed time story or sing him a lullaby. That's what my Grandma does when I can't sleep. And also gives me cuddles. Shukaku likes cuddles (that's what Mr. Kurama says). Maybe Shukaku just needs a cuddle.

XXOO Naruto.

PS: Kurama says it's XOXO, but whatever. It still mean hugs and stuff.

PPS: Kurama says hi to you and Shukaku.

PPPS: Neji says hi too.

PPPPS: I'm sending this letter with Iruka-niisan's messanger-bird-seal-thing, cause Sparky keeps trying to fly off some where, so I can't send him with it."

Gaara laughs. Naruto's spelling is terrible, and so are his grammar and punctuation.

"None of that's true!" wines Shukaku. "I don't get nightmares, and I'm not a wimp! Don't listen to them!"

"Well then prove it," says Gaara. "Let's both sleep tonight, and if you wake me up because you have nightmares, then I'll know that Kurama was telling the truth."

"Fine," says Shukaku. "You've got a deal."

"Now," says Gaara, getting up off the bathroom floor. "I need to rinse the toothpaste out of my mouth." Gaara does so, puts away his toothbrush and heads off to find a story book. When he has found one, all about an ugly duckling, Gaara goes looking for his Dad.

Gaara finds his Dad sitting in the dining room talking to Baki about something or other. "What do you want Gaara?" asks Gaara's Dad when he sees Gaara.

Gaara holds out the story book and says, "Will you read Shukaku and me a bedtime story? We can't go to sleep without one."

An expression of horror crosses Gaara's Dad's face. "Are you crazy? You shouldn't be sleeping!"

Gaara is sad. He turns to Baki sensei. "Sensei, will you read us a story?"

"No, Gaara," says Baki, shaking his head sadly. "We can't risk you sleeping."

"Oh," says Gaara, and leaves sadly. He wanders in the general direction of his bedroom, which doesn't even have a bed in it because he does not need one.

"Gaara?" Temari sticks her head out of her bedroom. "What's the matter?"

Gaara turns to his big sister hopefully. "Will you read me a story?" he asks, holding up the book. "Shukaku can't sleep without one."

Temari laughs. "Shukaku is the one who can't sleep?"

"He gets nightmares," says Gaara. "That's why he hates sleep. Maybe a bedtime story will help."

"Alright," giggles Temari. "I'll read you and Shukaku a story."

"Can I listen?" says Kankuro, sticking his head out of his bedroom.

* * *

Rasa is concerned about Gaara's request for a story, and decides to go and talk some sense into the boy. As he passes Temari's room, Rasa sees the door is wide open and glances inside. Temari is sitting on the edge of her bed with Kankuro sitting beside her and Gaara tucked up all snugly in Temari's bed. Temari herself is reading the story book Gaara wanted Rasa to read to him. Both boys are listening with rapt attention. Rasa sighs and heads back to the dining room to tell Baki to prepare for possible combat with Shukaku.

* * *

Gaara wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling something is wrong. He is still tucked up with Temari in his sister's bed. Gaara closes his eyes and goes into his seal. "Shukaku?" he says, tip toeing up to the bijuu.

"Kurama is right," says Shukaku, shaking as he looks down at Gaara. "I do get nightmares."

Gaara creeps up to Shukaku and pats his leg. "It will be alright," he says. "Dreams can't hurt you. And I bet you're stronger than anything in your nightmares."

"No I'm not," whines Shukaku. "I have bad dreams about things that really happened! Like Dad leaving…"

Gaara hugs Shukaku's leg. "It's okay, I'm here now. And I have trouble sleeping too, so I understand."

Shukaku curls up around Gaara and closes his eyes. Gaara lays his head on Shukaku's fur and starts to sing a lullaby. " _Natsuhiboshi, why are you so red? Because I had a sad dream last night…"_


	149. Beach Party Time!

**A/N: So just a heads up on why there is a mid-arc recap for the first time: it's because this is one of our longer arcs, so we decided to do a mini recap to remind you of the more important points. ~Ignis Dracorex.**

 **Mid-Arc Recap:**

The important points in the arc so far:

Arashi is researching the Hidden Whirlpool with Iruka, Naruto, Neji and Shisui as his bodyguards.

The entire team, Arashi included, joined The Order of Steve, a group of hippies who serve Steve the Shinigami.

The leader of the Order of Steve, Tsunade's Great Uncle Pantsu, joined the Research Team with his great-granddaughter Burifu.

Naruto accidentally became the Leader of the Order of Jashin, after becoming a Master of Fuuinjutsu.

Sasuke is healed enough to sit up.

Eizo is too adorable for an OC.

Iruka, Pantsu and Naruto removed the Caged Bird Seal from Neji.

Neji and Shisui get the Hidden Bird Seal: the seal that the Caged Bird Seal is based on.

21 out of 40 weeks left before Itachi ejects the tiny human from her body, and Fugaku is still pissed at Shisui.

Tenten summoned her first shinigami, only to learn that Joe is still thoroughly grounded...for some reason.

Madoka is getting better at Tsunade's training.

That's about it for now, on with the chapter.

* * *

Seven days after Naruto, Iruka and Pantsu removed Neji's seal, team Iruka arrives in the Land of Waves. It took Arashi six of those days to wrap up his research, and now it is time to visit the ruins of the Hidden Whirlpool and the Temple of Joe.

Right after they have a beach party in the Land of Waves.

"Grandpa," Naruto says excitedly, pointing at the big bridge from the mainland to the Land of Waves. "That's the bridge that me and Kakashi sensei and Madoka and Sasuke guarded, 'tebayo. It's cool, eh?"

"The Great Naruto Bridge," Neji reads the plaque above the bridge. "You never said the bridge is named after you, Naruto."

"THE BRIDGE IS NAMED AFTER ME?! THAT'S AWESOME, DATTEBAYO!" Naruto yells, jumping up and down with excitement. Sparky, who was perched on Naruto's shoulder, flies up into the air and hovers until Naruto clams down. "Grandpa, Iruka-nii, did you see? The bridge is named after me!"

"That's great, Naruto," says Iruka, trying not to laugh.

Arashi grins and pats Naruto on the head. "Good for you," he says affectionately. "Now I really want to meet this bridge builder."

The group, with Burifu running around them in circles, set out across the bridge. They get about half way before a mist surrounds them and a menacing voice thunders, "Who's that crossing over MY bridge?"

"Naruto Uzumaki!" declares Naruto. "...and friends."

The mist vanishes, revealing a scary looking shinobi with bandages covering the lower half of his face. He has a giant sword strapped to his back and is wearing a black cloak decorated with red and white clouds. "Hey brat!" says the shinobi.

"Zabuza!" Naruto shouts, grinning. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm hunting down the rest of Gato's men," explains Zabuza. "And I recruited a rival for Haku. Haku stayed behind at Akatsuki headquarters, though. SUIGETSU!" Zabuza yells the name over his shoulder.

A skinny teenager with purple eyes and pointy teeth appears on the bridge. He grins a crooked grin and says, "Yes, Zabuza sensei?"

"This is Naruto Uzumaki and some other random guys," says Zabuza. "Naruto, this is my new sidekick Suigetsu. He appeared a few weeks ago wanting my sword, but I told him he can't have it. Haku said she'd like a rival, and can we keep him. So we kept him. Suigetsu, escort Naruto and the rest of these randoms to Tazuna's house."

"Yes sensei, can I have your sword yet, sensei?" says Suigetsu, saluting.

"Hurry up and no."

Burifu walks right up to Zabuza and stares up at him, her eyes wide. "How come you have bandages on your face?" she asks. "Did you hurt your talking-muscles?"

"No, I wear it to look scarier," says Zabuza. "Who is this kid?" he asks Naruto.

"She's my sixth cousin, or something, 'tebayo," says Naruto. "See ya, Zabuza!" Naruto runs past Zabuza yelling, "I'm going to see Inari, 'tebayo!" over his shoulder. Sparky flies along beside Naruto, and does not seem too happy about being dragged around.

* * *

When Naruto and Sparky arrive at Inari's house, Inari is playing at being a ninja. He will never admit that to Naruto, so Inari hides his toy kunai under his bed and runs out to meet Naruto. "Naruto!" he yells, bursting out the door.

"Hey Inari!" Naruto grins, holding up his hand for a high five.

Inari attempts to high-five Naruto, but misses completely. They try again, but miss. Suigetsu appears, leading a group of people, as Naruto and Inari try for the third time.

"Yo, kids!" says Suigetsu. "That's not how you high-five."

Naruto turns and grins at Suigetsu. "I know, we just keep missing. Guys, this is Inari. Inari, this is my Grandpa, my Uncle Uruka-niisan, my new bff Neji, my pranking buddy Shisui, Gramps Pantsu and his Great Granddaughter Burifu."

"Hi," says Inari, feeling a bit shy.

Inari's Mum emerges from the house and says, "Welcome, everyone! I'm glad you made it safely. Come inside so we can get acquainted while we wait for my father."

* * *

Inari, Neji and Naruto busily build a sand castle while Burifu digs a trench around them and the castle. About an hour ago, Iruka made like his last name and jumped into the ocean. He hasn't come back out yet. Pantsu stripped to his undies and is sitting in the sand smoking like a chimney in winter. Tsunami is sunbathing on a beach towel with Tazuna sitting in the sand beside her. Arashi is sitting beside Tazuna, chatting about the trials of raising grandsons. Shisui is starfished on the sand, soaking in the relaxation. Sparky is sitting in the sand beside Shisui, content to doze.

The previous day, Arashi dragged Shisui to town to buy some beach clothes, since Shisui is wearing Arashi's beach clothes for the mission. Unfortunately for Shisui's dignanty, Arashi would only fork out for a pair of board shorts for Shisui to wear to the beach party. Shisui glances over at Arashi, who is wearing the beach clothes he bought for himself the previous day, and glares at the old man. Arashi is probably having a good laugh about making Shisui wear beach clothes on an A Rank escort mission. Shisui has no money on him due to his hurried departure from the village, so any clothing he gets for this mission (including the undies Arashi bought him because hygiene) have to be provided by one of his team mates.

"Hey Inari," Naruto says, slapping some sand on the two-foot high and six foot square sand castle. "I know a guy who can move sand around with chakra. He's cool and I bet he could build an awesome sandcastle. I'm gonna ask him next time I see him, 'tebayo."

"I'm gonna fill the moat with water," says Burifu.

"I'll get a bucket," says Inari, standing up.

"I don't need a bucket," says Burifu, and starts drawing a seal in the bottom of her meter-deep trench. (They used the sand from the moat to build the castle.) "Fuin: fill stuff up with water technique." Burifu activates the seal, and a bunch of water flies over from the sea and fills the trench much more delicately than Shisui would have expected it too.

"Fuuin: Infinite confetti!" says Naruto, drawing a seal on the side of the castle. The air erupts with confetti, showering the sand castle and moat.

"That is a work of art, kids, eh," says Pantsu, getting up and ensuring that Shisui will have nightmares for the rest of his life by doing so. Old men should not run around in only a pair of slightly loose undies. Pantsu bends down, making Shisui want to throw up from the grossness, and sticks his wrinkly finger in the sand. "Fuuin: memorialize for all time technique, eh." A strange glowing light covers the castle and moat. "Now no one will be able to damage your castle, and it will never crumble or wear down, eh." Pantsu straightens up, tugs his undies up since they slipped down a bit at the back and heads off back to his spot in the sand.

"I guess this beach is now a home for indestructible, infinite confetti," says Neji, grabbing a handful of the confetti spewing from Naruto's seal.

"Actually, the seal sucks the old confetti back in after a minute and re-uses it," says Naruto. "That's because even fuuinjutsu can't just pull things out of nothing, 'tebayo."

"Lunch time!" calls Arashi, pulling out a picnic blanket and spreading it on the sand. "Grandfather, please put some pants on. There are children present." Arashi throws Pantsu's pants at Pantsu. "I think you have traumatized Shisui," Arashi adds, seeing the relief on Shisui's face.

"Where did Iruka sensei go?" asks Neji, looking up and down the beach.

"He's there," says Burifu, pointing at the wave travelling towards the beach.

Shisui takes a good look at the wave, and sees Iruka surfing on the wave using concentrated chakra as a surfboard. A pod of dolphins leaps in and out of the wave as they follow Iruka. Iruka's hair is, of course, still in its perfect ponytail. Madara Uchiha himself would be jealous of how perfect Iruka's hair is. Iruka surfs all the way to the shore, leaps off the water, flips through the air and lands with both feet squarely on the sand. The pod of dolphins flips spectacularly as one and swims away, back to the deep sea, the wave Iruka rode in on keeping them high above the sand.

"You're just in time for lunch, Iruka," says Arashi, handing Tsunami and Tazuna paper plates.


	150. The Village Hidden in the Whirling Tides

The ruins of the Hidden Whirlpool just look kinda sad in the daylight. Last time he was here, Iruka remembers, it was night and the ruined village was bathed in darkness that made it seem erie.

"It's been a long time since I was here, eh," comments Pantsu, looking around at the ruins of his old Village. "Funny, I remember it being a lot noisier, eh."

"That's because people used to live here before they were all slaughtered in a single night," says Arashi. "And I am here to find out what happened that night. Alright everyone, stay close to me and look for clues as to what happened." Arashi strides off into the ruins and starts examining a random pile of rubble.

Iruka turns to his team. "Alright team," he says. "Keep a sharp eye out for enemy shinobi and bandits. Naruto, take Sparky and look over there. Shisui, over there, Neji, over there. I'll be over there."

"What about us, eh?" asks Pantsu.

"You and Burifu can do whatever you want," says Iruka. "Just don't set off any of the traps. That goes for all of you: watch out for the seal traps. Dismissed."

"Yes captain!" the team dispearses to search for clues.

Iruka heads over to the ruins of his old home. The corpses of those who died nearby when the Village fell are still scattered amongst the rubble, along with new corpses belonging to people who died in the ruins. Iruka examines the newer corpses and discovers that most of them died from the same, or similar, types of poison. Iruka takes a leaf out of his adoptive father's book and, taking out a pad of paper and a pen, starts recording his observations.

 _C. 1: died of inhaled poison._

 _C. 2: died of poisoned stab wound._

 _C. 3: died of poison taken in through a tiny cut._

 _C. 4: has multiple poisoned wounds, and inhaled poison. Difficult to tell which killed him._

 _All causes of death for most recent corpses follow one of the above patterns. Hard to tell with older corpses if they died of poison._

"Hey, guys!" yells Naruto, from the ruin he is examining with Sparky. "Come and see what I found, 'tebbayo!"

Iruka and the others head over to Naruto, who is excitedly looking at a battered book. When Iruka arrives, Naruto flips the book around, revealing old photographs of a chubby red haired girl.

"Who is that?" asks Neji, when he is close enough to see the pictures.

"It's little Kushina, eh," says Pantsu. "She was a chubby little hellion, eh."

"Yeah," Naruto nods enthusiastically. "It's my Mum! I'm going to add this to my collection of Relics and stuff, 'tebayo."

"Where did you put that collection once it got too big for your old pranking kit box?" asks Iruka, curious to know what happened to Naruto's collection.

Naruto scratches the back of his head and goes a bit pink with embarrassment. "It's in the back of my wardrobe," he says. "I'll show you when we get back to the Leaf, 'tebayo."

"Ya look a lot like ya ma, eh," says Pantsu, peering at the pictures of Kushina as a toddler.

Naruto blushes. "My Mum was really pretty, 'tebayo."

Shisui peers over Iruka's shoulder at Iruka's notes. "Poison huh," he says. "I bet they were all killed by the same person. After all, I found a half-crushed puppet with an unmistakable marking on it."

"What mark?" asks Neji.

"The mark of Sasori of the Red Sand," says Shisui. "The puppet was half buried beneath the rubble I was searching. Judging by the amount of debris and mature plants around it, that puppet has been there since the Whirlpool was destroyed."

"Show me," says Arashi sternly. "And see if any of you can find more puppets around the ruins."

The group heads over to the half-crushed puppet Shisui found. Shisui crouches down beside the puppet, which he freed from the debris, and points to a small pouch of purple liquid. The pouch is tucked into the puppet's half-crushed chest, attached to a tube that leads up to the puppet's mouth. The puppet's mouth is made for spraying gas, but has an old seal over it, holding it closed.

"I know this puppet," says Iruka, remembering in a flash the last time he saw that puppet.

* * *

 _Iruka's father holds him tight as they run through the Village. Iruka's mother runs on ahead, screaming at the people they pass to run. Hundred of terrifying, flying shinobi darken the sky, and a purple gas spreads through the buildings, pouring from the mouths of their attackers. Shinobi from many different villages attack the people trying to flee, and one leaps at Iruka and his father, cutting Iruka's face._

 _Iruka's father slaps the enemy in the face, using a seal that shuts the attacker's mouth tightly. Iruka's mother kicks the enemy into a nearby building, causing the building to collapse on the attacker._

 _They run on, urging others to run from the attack, to run from the deadly gas spreading ever closer. They come across Princess Okami, crying over her dead mother and father as another enemy, this one wearing a Cloud headband and masked by the poor lighting. He swings a sword at Okami, but Iruka's father kicks him to one side, grabs Okami by the hand and pulls her along with them. Iruka's mother fights the enemies they meet as they run with Okami, who is crying, but now the Queen._

 _A building nearby explodes. Iruka begins to feel sick. The four of them reach the edge of the village. The gas is everywhere, even on the mountainside. Iruka's mother pushes them downhill, into the forest. They tumble away from the chaos. Okami stops her decent and gets up to run back to the village screaming bloody murder. Iruka's parents try to stop her, but they both collapse from the poison they inhaled. Iruka blacks out from the poison in the cut on his face._

 _When he wakes up, he is looking into the eyes of Tsunade Senju. His face is bandaged over his nose. "Oh good," Tsunade says. "The little one is alright. It's alright," she says to Iruka. "Your mummy and daddy are just over there, see?"_

 _Iruka's Dad opens his eyes and looks around. "Where's Okami?" he asks. "Where is the Queen?"_

" _I'm sorry," says Tsunade, shaking her head sadly. "We only found the three of you. We did not find any other survivors."_

" _Survivors…?" whispers Iruka's father, an expression of horror on his face. "Then the entire village was destroyed?"_

" _Yes," confirms Tsunade. "We have a team ready to go in once the gas dissipates, but I'm afraid that may take a while. We have no one with us that could safely blow it away with ninjutsu, and we have no protective clothing. If there are still people alive in there, they won't be by the time we get in."_

* * *

"So that's how you got your awesome scar," says Naruto, slamming his fist into his palm. Sparky ruffles his feathers in annoyance at the noise.

"So that's why no one could figure out what Hidden Village was behind the attack," says Arashi, taking pictures of their finding with one hand and scribbling down Iruka's flashback with the other. "It was the work of Hidden Sand puppet masters who dressed their puppets as shinobi from different villages. But How many puppet masters and how much poison does it take to destroy a village?"

"At a guess, I'd say it takes a lot of poison, eh," says Pantsu, puffing thoughtfully at his pipe.

"But how many puppet masters?" wonders Arashi.

"One!" says Burifu cheerfully. "That one!" She points in the one direction none of the group is looking.

They all turn to see a strange, hunched-over puppet man shuffling towards them through the ruins.

"Sasori of the Red Sand!" says Iruka, remembering their last encounter.

"Well, well, well," says Sasori. "If it isn't the last known Umino. I remember you from the last time you were here."

Remembering their last encounter, Iruka says, "I did not get to see your full power that time because I was...busy." Iruka goes a little pink, remembering what he was busy doing. Damn, sempai was hot.

"Wait!" says Naruto, frowning. "Is this one of the guys you met when you came here for the Sacred Scroll in the Temple of Joe, 'tebbayo?"

"Yes, he is," confirms Iruka.

"I'll tell you what else he is," says Arashi, a thunderously angry expression on his face. "He is single handedly responsible for the destruction of the Village Hidden in the Whirling Tides!"

"Yes," admits Sasori. A metal tail with an arrow-head shaped end snakes around his body, poised and ready for attack. "I am responsible, and now that you know the truth, all of you must die too." A scroll rolls out from underneath Sasori's cloak and opens. There is a puff as the storage seal on the scroll activates. A hundred puppets rises into the air above Sasori, darkening the sky. "And now I will use the same technique I used to destroy this nation to destroy you pesky Whirlpool survivors. Secret Red Technique: Dance of One Hundred Puppets!"


	151. Uchiha Family Shenanigans

Hana Inuzuka laughs as the small rubber ball she bought for Itachi's baby rolls off Itachi's distended stomach. Itachi raises a long-suffering eyebrow and wonders how she ever became friends with Hana. Oh yeah: Hana gave her dango one time. Hana grabs the ball before it bounces onto the floor and carefully balances it on top of Itachi's belly. A moment later, a tiny hand hits the ball from inside said belly, causing the ball to go flying.

"YES!" screams Hana. "OH MY KISHIMOTO, YES!" Hana leaps off the couch where she is sitting with Itachi and does a victory dance.

"What happened?" asks Izumi Uchiha, one of Itachi closest friends within the clan. She and most of the room are staring at Hana and Itachi in fascination.

"I got the little bugger to play ball!" yells Hana, fist-bumping the air.

Tenzou, who is sitting across the room chatting with another of Itachi's old ANBU team mates, laughs heartily. All of Itachi's still-living female ANBU team mates are present at this function: Itachi's baby shower and gender-reveal party. Itachi is 23 weeks pregnant, and her mother decided now would be a good time for a baby shower. Specifically because Shisui is out of town and they don't want another spectacle caused by an angry Hokage chasing down the village's top jounin because someone threw a party for aforementioned jounin's baby. Aside from the ANBU, every woman in the Uchiha clan is there, along with Tsume Inuzuka, all the other clan heads' wives, any daughters the other clan heads have, Kurenai Yuhi and the girl from Shisui's genin team. Tsunade Senju is there too, as she is the one handling the gender reveal. All Itachi knows is that the reveal involves things that light up, so they have to wait for nightfall.

Itachi glances out the window at the sky. It is beginning to grow dark. Not long now before the torture of having to entertain so many guests is over and Itachi's can go to bed. There is a f### ton of presents in one corner of the room, all of which will probably be useful for Itachi's tiny human. Well, all of them except the nipple pads for making breastfeeding less painful or something. Itachi won't need those because she is not breast feeding. No way. Itachi is not like Tenzou, who does not mind the idea of having tiny people latching onto her boobs, in fact, there is one doing just that right now. Minoru is the only male at the party, even Eizo is not there, he is off visiting Sasuke with their father. But no matter how much people tell Itachi she will change her mind once the baby's born, Itachi is _not_ breast feeding. Besides, if Shisui is going to help look after their offspring, he needs to be able to feed it too.

Itachi sighs as her tiny human starts wriggling around and making her uncomfortable. She is so over the whole pregnancy thing. She wants the baby out where she can see it, so she can give it a name and start growing attached. Well, even more attached.

Hana's victory dance ends, and everyone goes back to what they were doing. Tenzou goes back to discussing the finer points of silent assassination with her ANBU buddy while Minoru drinks happily from his mother's milk supply, which is out in the open for all to see. Ah well, it's not like there are any people around who get offended by open breastfeeding. Itachi is not doing that. Not ever. Ew.

Itachi gasps internally. The stress of this party must be getting to her if she is ranting internally about breastfeeding and using expressions that only normal teenage girls use.

The next half hour drags on for Itachi, who is forced to talk to each of the guests in turn. Deputy Kinoko is obnoxiously gushing about her adopted sons to anyone who will listen, and when her turn to listen comes, Itachi actually does because a kid who can pull out his spine is actually really cool.

And Itachi is using the word 'actually' entirely too often, like, who even does that?

Oh. Crap.

Don't start thinking like a teenager, don't start thinking like a teenager! It's just the pregnancy hormones, it has to be! It has nothing to do with the fact that she's been hanging out with other teen mums, all of which came, most of which are chatting about baby things with the older women and getting some good advice. Drat those teen parenting classes her mother is making her attend. Itachi sooo doesn't want to act like a normal teenager. She is, like, a SHINOBI.

"Alright, everybody," says Itachi's mother, grinning alarmingly widely. "It's time to go outside for the gender reveal."

Itachi uses up all of her self control to keep herself from yelling 'FINALLY!' She manages to calmly accompany her guests outside to where Lady Tsunade is setting up a fireworks display.

"What are the fireworks for?" asks Karin, crouching down beside one of the numerous explosive toys. There are a fair few of them.

"Well," says Itachi's mum, grinning. "Lady Tsunade and I came up with the most wonderful idea: we will let off fireworks to reveal the baby's gender. Blue mustache-shaped fireworks mean a boy and red unicorn-shaped fireworks mean a girl. Isn't that just the best idea ever?"

Itachi feels cold horror seep into her very bones. "Please no," she whispers. This is a punishment. It has to be. It can't possibly be anything else.

"Yes!" grins Hinata Hyuuga, one of the clanhead-daughters who is present. Hinata probably would have come anyway, being a friend of Shisui's, but Itachi really wishes she was not there. The same goes for all the other guests. Except maybe Tenzou, Hana and Izumi, since they are actually Itachi's friends.

"Stand clear, everyone!" says Mikoto, weaving hand signs. "I want to see what happens just as much as you all do. Only Lady Tsunade knows the gender at this point." Itachi's mother releases her jutsu, delicately setting all the firework-fuses alight.

There is a silent, expectant pause as the fuses sizzle down. Then the fireworks go whizzing up into the sky and explode in the shape of giant blue mustaches.

Itachi is having a boy.

* * *

Normally, Sasuke would be jealous that her Dad is paying attention to children that are not herself. However, right now, she is just too embarrassed to feel jealous. Sasuke was recently moved to a room with three other girls her age. One of them suggested that Sasuke's Dad try balancing Eizo on one shoulder and Peanut on the other. Peanut, the traitor, now spends most of his time clinging to Sasuke's Dad's shoulder. Originally, Sasuke's Dad thought putting a kitten on one shoulder and a two year old on the other would be a terrible idea, but the girls in Sasuke's hospital room called him a frady-cat. Determined to prove to the adolescent girls that their Hokage is no frady-cat, Sasuke's Dad is currently trying to make Eizo sit on one shoulder and Peanut sit on the other.

"Moew!" says Eizo, trying to sit on their Dad's feet like a cat.

"Mrrow," says Peanut, leaping delicately onto Sasuke's Dad's head.

"No, no," says Sasuke's Dad patiently, picking up Eizo and sitting him on one shoulder. "Sit on my shoulder like a cat."

"Meow," says Eizo, and tries to purr.

"Good boy," says Sasuke's Dad, patting Eizo awkwardly. "Now stay there." Sasuke's Dad reaches up to his head and tries to lift up Peanut. Peanut clings to his head and hisses violently. "Oi, let go!" says Sasuke's dad. But Peanut just puffs up his fur and clings tighter.

The other girls laugh as Sasuke's Dad tries desperately to pry Peanut off his head. Sasuke wonders if her Dad was always this weird.

Maybe he was, and she just never noticed how weird and embarrassing her dad is because she was scared off by is resting frowny face. Embarrassing Dad is far better than Scary Dad, Sasuke decides, and laughs along with her roommates. To her surprise, Sasuke's Dad freezes with his hands around Peanut and turns slowly to stare at Sasuke. He looks even funnier from the front, especially now that Eizo and Peanut are frozen and staring at Sasuke too. Now that Sasuke has started, she cannot stop laughing. It occurs to her that this is the first time Peanut or Eizo have heard her laugh, and it must be a long time since her Dad heard her laugh.

And all because some idiot told Sasuke Uchihas don't laugh. That silly piece of advice seems stupid now. Sasuke's parents laugh all the time over Eizo's antics, and they probably laughed over her and Itachi when they were little too. And now Sasuke is remembering all the things she wanted to laugh about, but stopped herself, and she laughs until her sides hurt and she is crying from the exertion.

And all the time, her Dad, brother and kitten are starting at her like she's grown a second head, which just makes her laugh harder. The other kids have all stopped laughing and are just staring at Sasuke like she's insane.

And then Sasuke surprises herself by chortling and abruptly stops laughing. She freezes in shock, trying to come to terms with the fact that she, Sasuke Uchiha, actually chortled. The other kids all start laughing at Sasuke's snort, as does Eizo, and then, nervously Sasuke's dad laughs too.

Then he lets go of Peanut and hugs Sasuke kind of awkwardly and says, "I thought I'd never hear you laugh again."

And then the moment is interrupted by fireworks exploding in the night sky outside the hospital window, and everyone turns to look at them.

"Blue mustaches?" says one girl, raising an eyebrow. "What?"

"Well, it looks like Itachi is having a boy," says Sasuke's Dad, smiling. "I'll have to tell Shisui...with the appropriate amount of traps on the letter, of course."

Sasuke giggles, and decides she likes the feeling of being happy. "I am going to have a nephew soon."

"TINY HUMAN!" yells Eizo, from his perch on their dad's shoulder.

"Mrooow!" says Peanut, from his perch on the Hokage's other shoulder.

"Heeey, you did it!" says the girl who issued the challenge. "I guess you aren't a 'fraidy-cat, after all."


	152. Shisui VS Sasori

"That's a lot of puppets, eh," says Pantsu, taking the pipe out of his mouth so he can look up at them without all the burning plants falling out onto his face. (Or at least Shisui assumes that's why Pantsu takes the pipe out of his mouth.)

"Shisui, go after Sasori himself," orders Iruka, pulling out a kunai. "Everyone else, protect Arashi. I'll cover Shisui."

Shisui draws the sword he is borrowing from Naruto's arsenal of weapons that no one uses but Naruto keeps on him just in case. "Sasori of the Red Sand," he says. "You picked a fight with the wrong shinobi."

"Shisui of the Shunshin," says Sasori. "You have quite a high bounty, but are you worth it?"

"I'll let you be the judge of that," says Shisui, and vanishes in a swirl of leaves. He reappears in the air above the army of puppets. "Fire style, Grand Fireball!" Shisui unleashes a colossal ball of fire on the puppets, burning most of them to ash in a instant. The rest fall to the ground, smouldering.

Sasori's metal tail snakes towards Shisui in an angry line, poison dripping off the pointed tip.

Shisui uses his chakra to spin in the air and slam his sword down on Sasori's tail, cutting off the deadly, poison soaked tip. Then Shisui shunshins over to Sasori and slams his sword down on Sasori's back. Then Shisui leaps back, out of range of attack from what is left of Sasori's tail. Sasori's back cracks and his whole body splits in two, falling to the ground with a crash. Another puppet rises out of the shell Shisui just split in two.

The puppet turns slowly towards Shisui, revealing perfect features framed by red hair. "It is time to step things up a notch," says the perfect puppet. "I can see I am not dealing with the average shinobi warrior. You have risen beyond the level of a mere shinobi, and into the realm of legend. But I will match you, for I am not the average puppet master anymore. I have risen beyond and into the realm of legend. I am-" here the puppet, whom Shisui realizes is actually Sasori, raises his arms as a panel opens on his stomach. A long cord snakes out, and a thousand puppets rise into the air. "-A WORK OF ART!" Sasori finishes triumphantly.

"Art?" says Shisui, pulling a face. "Isn't that puppet body a bit _too_ perfect, though?"

"THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO PERFECT!" Sasori growls, sending half his horde of puppets at Shisui. The other half speeds towards Arashi and the rest of Team Iruka.

Shisui activates his Mangekyou Sharingan, and then takes a deep breath. He activates a power he has not used before: the susanoo. Only a skeletal ribcage shrouded in green chakra appears, but that is all Shisui needs. As the puppets bear down upon him, Shisui unleashes his susanoo attack. Thousands of chakra needles shoot out of the susanoo and fly through the air into the horde of puppets.

* * *

With Sparky sitting on his shoulder, Naruto stares up at the oncoming puppets, a feeling of dread settling in the pit of his stomach. This is no fight against one or two opponents on his level. They could actually die fighting this Sasori guy.

"Naruto!" says Iruka-nii, as he hands a kunai to Grandpa Arashi. "Fight!"

Neji has already activated his byakugan, and even Burifu is ready to fight with her little fists. Naruto pulls out a scroll and starts drawing the design for the Wrath of Jashin seal. But Naruto is too slow, and before he can finish the seal the puppets arrive. Naruto is forced to abandon the seal, let go of Sparky's leash and fight the way that comes most naturally to him: with his fists. Naruto dodges back, away from the puppets' poisoned swords. Then he crosses his fingers, "Multi-shadow Clone Jutsu!" Another hundred Narutos appear, and they all attack the puppets together. Most of them burst in the first few seconds as they are cut down.

Sparky flies away to find a place to hide during the battle. Sparky is not a fighter.

Iruka-nii is throwing pointy and sharp things around. Gramps Pantsu is using his pipe to blow clouds of acid smoke at the puppets closest to himself. Burifu is dodging a puppet's attacks like a mad thing. Neji is using their palm and a lot of evasive maneuvers. Shisui is completely dominating his share of puppets. Naruto suddenly feels outclassed. He does not like that feeling.

Naruto wishes he was fast enough to use seals in combat without relying on distracting the enemy somehow. Karin can do it. But then again, sealing is Karin's main fighting style, but Naruto's is punching stuff.

So Naruto gets ready to punch some stuff.

* * *

As the puppets fall to the ground, kicking up dust where they land, Shisui turns on Sasori's perfect puppet body. He shunshins closer, attacking with a chakra-charged blade. The perfect puppet body falls to the ground in a hundred pieces. One of the fallen puppets rises up off the ground. Body parts from other broken puppets fly through the air and attach to the dismembered puppet, completing it.

Shisui is unimpressed. It really annoys him when his enemies try to drag out the fight, especially when it is getting close to lunch time.

Shisui shunshins over to Sasori's new body and cuts it in half. Nearby, another puppet rises out of the mess, and Shisui pounces on it. Sasori abandones that Puppet and finds a new one.

How is he doing it? The sooner Shisui can figure that out the sooner her can wrap this up and get some lunch.

In the meantime, Shisui is just gonna have to play whack-a-mole with Sasori. Here's over here, now he's over here, and he's there: hit him before he moves!

As Shisui shunshins all over the battle field cutting down Sasori every time the puppet master rears his wooden head, he thinks to himself, _All I need is some of that silly saxophone chase music to make a parody of this fight. Now where's he gonna crop up next?_

Shisui holds his sword at the ready and scans the field of destroyed puppets, waiting for Sasori to re emerge. Since Sasori's chakra is everywhere, Shisui cannot use it to track his opponent. So he scans the mess of puppet-parts with his eyes, taking in every detail with his sharingan. Although he is not paying much attention to the rest of his team, Shisui is aware of what they are all doing.

Naruto has pulled out a bunch of shadow clones and has them in pairs, forming rasengans and slamming the balls of chakra into the puppets. Captain Iruka is locking blades with a puppet, doing his best not to let Sasori's poison touch him. Neji and Pantsu are fighting side by side, and it seems as if the old man is beginning to feel his age.

A puppet sends Burifu flying across the battlefield. A crowd of puppets descends on the little girl, and Shisui starts to move towards her. But then a chakra chain like Karin's erupts from Burifu's back, and whips the puppets. The puppets fly backwards, breaking into a hundred pieces. "Look, Grandpa!" Burifu shouts, waving her hand at Pantsu. "I awakened the kekkei genkai!"

"Good girl," says Pantsu, breathing heavily and holding onto Neji for support. Burifu runs over to help them.

Shisui glances over the battlefield again, but sees no sign of Sasori. He looks over to see how Arashi is doing. Arashi is sitting with his back to a half-fallen wall. He is writing something on a scroll, with a pen in one hand and a kunai in the other. He is completely ignoring the fight. There a couple of broken puppets lying beside Arashi. One has a sword and, just as Shisui notices it, the puppet moves with blinding speed towards Arashi. Shisui shunshins forward, ready to defend Arashi, but a wall of puppets blocks his path.

Arashi sees the puppet coming for him, but he does not try to escape. Instead, he drops the pen he is writing with, slaps his hands down on the scroll and says, "Fuuin: Wrath of Jashin!" Fire explodes out of the scroll, destroying the attacking puppet. Activating the seal proves too much for Arashi's undeveloped chakra coils and he collapses. With his sharingan, Shisui can see that Arashi did not take any damage from using his chakra, but he is dangerously low now. As Arashi falls to the ground, the hand holding the kunai falls on the other puppet lying beside Arashi, stabbing into it with the kunai. There is a small spurt of blood from the part of the puppet Arashi accidently stabbed, and all the puppets fall to the ground, lifeless.

Stunned, Shisui rushes over to Arashi to see what, exactly, the old man stabbed. He skids to a stop beside the puppet and looks down at the bleeding thing that Arashi stabbed. Shisui pulls it out of the puppet's body, kunai and all and examines the squishy, bleeding thing. It is a grey, cylinder shape with purple veins coming out of the sides. The flat ends of the cylinder are white, and one has the kanji for 'scorpion' written on it.

"What's that?" asks Naruto, dispelling all his shadow clones and kneeling down beside his Grandfather. Naruto makes sure Arashi is alright, but seems much more interested in the strange thing that Shisui is holding.

The rest of the team joins Shisui and Naruto. All of them are visibly tired from the fight, Pantsu and Burifu more so than Neji, Iruka and Naruto.

"Can I have a look at that?" asks Iruka, holding out his hand. Shisui gives his captain the cylinder. Iruka turns it over, examining it. "This is amazing. And also terrifying." Iruka holds up the cylinder. "This is Sasori. His entire being is contained inside this cylinder."

"Grandpa killed Sasori?" says Naruto, his eyes wide in disbelief.

"Yes," says Iruka.

Naruto, Shisui, Burifu and Neji are all so shocked they actually fall over backwards.

Pantsu sits down beside Arashi. "Arashi has the right idea," says Pantsu. "This is a good spot to rest." and just like that, Pantsu lies down on the ground, amid the dirt, rubble, weeds and broken puppets, and goes to sleep.

Iruka facepalms.


	153. The Order of Joe

_**IMPORTANT AN**_ **: Hey guys Ignus here, again just a heads up that this chapter is rated M due to sexual references.**

Shisui, Iruka and Naruto make a campfire from the broken puppets, keeping a few of the more intact ones aside and sealing them away with Sasori's core. While they are doing that, Neji and Burifu spread out bedrolls for Naruto's Grandpa, Gramps Pants and Burifu. Iruka helps Neji move Gramps Pants onto their bedrolls. Burifu devours some food and then starfishes face-down on her bedroll.

"Team meeting while they are all out," says Iruka, motioning Naruto, Shisui and Neji over. Once the team is assembled, Iruka-nii continues, "While we are here we need to return the scrolls I took from the Temple of Joe last time I was here. I do not know how often the Order of Joe comes by, but with Sasori dead, they are sure to come here soon. If they appear while we are here, we need to be cautious of them. They are the most terrifying of the four shinigami cults, and the only one founded by two people rather than one. The Order of Joe was founded by a pair of siblings, one of whom was considered a rogue ninja."

"So were they brothers, sisters or brother and sister?" asks Naruto, interested in this particular history lesson.

"Brother and sister," says Iruka-nii, looking mildly disturbed. "They founded the Order of Joe because they didn't agree that siblings shouldn't be romantically involved. They are still alive and have many children, grandchildren and great grandchildren. They have no rules about who can be with who in the Order of Joe, and no one really knows who their father is, only their mother. None of them wear a lot of clothes, and all of them are insane. If you meet them, you will notice that most of them have deformities of some kind."

"So they are all deformed, incestious bastards, then?" says Neji, a mildly horrified expression on his face.

"Did someone call us?" says a voice from the direction that none of the team is currently looking.

Naruto and his team turn to face the person who spoke. They see five people standing in the ruins not far away. They all have red hair like Gramps Pants and Burifu, but they look off somehow. It takes naruto a moment to realize why that is, but then he sees that one has a twisted foot, one has a wonky face and a third is almost unnaturally short. The other two seem kinda pale and sick, but that could just be Naruto's imagination. Either way, they all creep Naruto out.

"Hello," says Iruka cautiously.

Neji and Shisui both reach for their kunai pouches. It seems Neji is all out of chakra for his byakugan, and Shisui is low on sharingan juice. That green rib cage must've drained him a lot. Naruto feels a bit drained himself, come to think of it.

"Hello," says the one with the lopsided face, smiling in a way that sends shivers up Naruto's spine. "We are from the Order of Joe. We have come to thank you for freeing our temple from that puppet monster for us. We would be honoured if you would all join the Order of Joe."

"No can do, sorry," says Iruka-nii. "We are all in the Order of Steve."

Lopsided Face Man drops the smile, a frown twisting his features even more. "Oh, that is unfortunate." One of the others whispers something in Lopsided Face Man's ear. Lopsided Face Man's Face brightens. "Then allow us to make much sweet love to you all in the Temple of Joe."

"No thank you," says Iruka-nii, blushing bright red. "I have made love in the Temple of Joe before, and I don't want to do it again unless it's with the same person…" Iruka-nii stops abruptly and goes even redder.

"Then let's just do it right here," says Crooked Foot, slamming her fist into her palm with a grin. "Come over here, Nose Scar so I can love you."

"Can I have the Uchiha?" asks the other girl in the group.

"NONONONO!" Shisui protests, taking a few steps backwards and pulling out a kunai. "I have a girlfriend, and she's having a baby soon!"

"Pfft, so? We don't care about that stuff."

Naruto to starts to feel scared. These people seems awfully intent on the sex stuff. Naruto takes a step closer to Iruka-nii. What makes these people even weirder is that none of them are wearing any clothes, just leaves where undies should be. Even the Order of Steve knows to dress themselves, and they live at one with nature. Naruto is trying not to think about the girls in the group, since they are not as nice to look at as his sexy jutsu.

"The best way you can thank us for helping you is to leave us in peace," says Neji, who looks just as scared as Naruto.

"Don't be silly," says the short man. "We want to thank you by loving you, and there's not a lot you can do to stop us-"

"Back off, cultist scum." A man dressed in red appears in a swirl of leaves. He stands in the taijutsu stance Lee uses. The nine strips of cloth that make up the bottom of his tunic flap about him. His sleeves and sandals are as black as his hair. And his dark eyes burn a cold like ice. "These people said 'no'."

"Just who do you think you are?" demands Lopsided Face Man.

"I am Sei Myoujina," says the man, charging up his chakra. But his chakra feels strange, more pure and light than normal chakra.

 _NARUTO!_ Kurama roars, an excitement in his voice that Naruto has never heard from Kurama before. _He's one of my guards! The protectors my father gave me! HE'S USING NINSHUU!_

 _Awesome,_ says Naruto. "Guys," says Naruto to his team. "We can trust this guy. He's cool."

"Do you know him?" asks Iruka-nii, surprised.

"Nope, but I have a friend who will vouch for him, dattebayo." Naruto stands up a little straighter. He's not scared anymore. Kurama's Guard will protect them.

Sei spreads his finger apart and stretches his arms out to either side. "From life comes new life," he says softly, as if he is reciting a well learned lesson. "Chakra is life, and chakra is death." He kneels down on one knee and places his hands on the ground. "The earth holds life within it, and humans hold chakra within them." He looks down and starts pumping the strange chakra into the ground. The plants around Sei begin to grow unnaturally fast, and the dead ones spring back to life. Vines wrap themselves around the five member of the Order of Joe. "So long as I share my life with the earth around me, the whole world is my ally."

 _That's my Guards' version of a ninja way!_ Says Kurama excitedly.

 _It's based on how your chakra is full of life and healing stuff, right, 'tebbayo?_ Replies Naruto.

 _Exactly!_ Kurama is really excited. _Once he's dealt with those imbeciles, get him in here. I want to meet him face to face._

 _You got it, 'tebayo!_

"Get out of here," orders Sei, and the plants he is controlling throw the five Joeists across the ruined village.

The Joeist scramble to their feet and run away, back into the forest where they came from.

"Joe's followers are not nearly as cool as Joe," comments Naruto, rolling his eyes. "Next time Joe argues with another shinigami over whose followers are better, I am gonna tell Joe his followers suck and are creepy and disturbing."

"You said it," says Iruka-nii, letting out a shuddering breath. "Who are you, really, Sei Myoujina?" he asks Sei.

"Just a passing healer collecting herbs to save a dying person's life," says Sei, smiling politely. He walks steadily over to some nearby rubble and picks up a basket full of the herbs that grow all over the ruins of the Whirlpool. "The Hidden Whirlpool is full of healing herbs and rare plants that are difficult to find in the wild, so myself and my comrades often come here to collect them. We made it clear to Sasori that we only come here for the herbs. We used to trade the Whirlpool Shinobi for them, but now the village is in ruins, so we collect what we need ourselves."

"Are you aware that Sasori destroyed the Hidden Whirlpool?" asks Iruka.

"No, I was not aware of that," sighs Sei, heading back over to them. "Now I suggest you leave this place as soon as you can. Order of Joe does not give up easily. They will be back very soon, and with as many of the Order as can fight. They are not a challenge in such small numbers as before, but you are all tired from your fight, and I must be going. I will help you out a bit with first aid, but I cannot stay long. You must leave when I do."

"We have a mission to complete here," says Iruka. "We cannot leave until it is completed, or we will need to come back."

"Can you complete it while I treat your comrades?" asks Sei, kneeling down beside Gramps Pants and Naruto's Grandpa.

"I can complete part of it," says Iruka-nii. "But the rest we need Arashi for." He points to Naruto's Grandpa. "That's Arashi, there."

"I will heal him first, then," says Sei.

"Um, Mr. Sei?" says Naruto, interrupting. He knows it's rude, but Kurama is getting antsy about waiting so long.

"Yes, child?" replies Sei, looking up at Naruto. "Is there something you want to ask me?"

"Well, no, um...it's more that I'm Kurama's jinchuuriki, and he wants to meet you, dattebayo," says Naruto, rubbing the back of his head nervously. "It's been ages since he's seen any of his guards."


	154. Naruto Gets Jealous

"Hello sweetie," says Mikoto, kissing Sasuke's forehead before Sasuke can dodge out of the way. "I brought you some rice balls." Mikoto drops the bento box she is carrying into Sasuke's lap.

"Thanks Mum," says Sasuke, smiling a little smile. She opens the box and starts chomping down the rice balls.

"Well, Itachi is officially pissed off at me," says Mikoto, grinning. "She has not come out of her room yet today, even though many people have called to congratulate her that she is having a boy."

Sasuke gwaffs into her riceball. "What traps did Dad send Shisui?"

"He wouldn't say, just that they are not deadly," says Mikoto. She would quite like to know what the f*** Fugaku is sending Shisui. "Still, it will be interesting how he handles it once Shisui returns."

"When can I leave hospital?" asks Sasuke, glaring past Mikoto at the girl in the bed opposite Sasuke's.

"The doctors told me you can leave in a few days," says Mikoto, smiling. "You will need to be in a wheelchair for a while, though. You will also need to come back to the hospital every few days for check ups until you are healed enough to start physiotherapy."

"Oh," says Sasuke, stuffing more rice ball into her mouth.

"You'll probably get your first period while you're wheelchair bound," adds Mikoto, who thinks Sasuke is about due, based on how far she is through puberty.

Sasuke chokes on her riceball. "MUM!"

"You are going to be in a wheelchair for a long time," says Mikoto reasonably. "Technically, you should never be able to walk again, but Tsunade and Okami are miracle workers."

"That's not the point…!" Sasuke forces out through gritted teeth.

"I don't get mine yet," says one of the other girls in the room.

"I do!" says another.

"I have mine right now," says the third, cheerfully.

"You see, it's nothing to be ashamed of," says Mikoto, smiling because she knows that Sasuke is super embarrassed.

* * *

"Naruto," says Iruka-nii calmly. "Is this man one of the Nine Tails' Guards?"

"Yep," says Naruto, feeling a bit better now that he's got it all off his chest. "And Mr. Kurama wants to talk to Mr. Sei."

 _Just grab his arm and bring him in here!_ Demands Mr. Kurama. _You can explain to the rest of your team later._

Naruto puts his hand on Sei's shoulder and pulls him into Kurama's seal. Once they are inside, Naruto drags Sei over to Kurama's cage. "Kurama is in here," says Naruto.

"It is rather dank and depressing in here," comments Sei.

"Well, um…" Naruto scratches the back of his head nervously.

"The brat has mental problems," says Mr. Kurama, sticking his nose between the bars of the cage. "This place reflects how he feels emotionally, and how I am a bit too. So you're one of my guards then? Nice to meet you."

"I am Sei Myoujina," Sei bows. "How are you, Lord Kurama?"

"Well apart from the fact I've been sealed away for over a hundred years in three different Uzumakis, pretty good," says Mr. Kurama. "At least this one actually gives a crap about me, and is somewhat polite when we talk."

"We're friends now, right, dattebayo?" interjects Naruto, wishing Mr. Kurama would be this nice to him.

"No," snaps Mr. Kurama. "Shut up, you!"

Sei sighs and waves a hand gracefully to one side. The leaky pipes on the wall stop leaking and some lights appear overhead. "That is the best I can do for now,," he says gravely. "The two of you need to see a psychologist about your...mental troubles."

Naruto tilts his head to one side a screws up his eyes. "What's a psychologist, 'tebayo?"

"It is a doctor for the mind," says Sei graciously. "When one is confused, or hurting inside in such a way a normal doctor cannot help, then one goes to see a doctor for the mind. Do you understand?"

"Is it like how sometimes you need miso ramen, and sometimes you need pork ramen, 'tebayo?" asks Naruto.

"Exactly," says Sei, noding ever so slightly. "We all have different needs at different times. Sometimes you are thirsty, sometimes you are hungry, sometimes you just need the right kind of ramen."

"Okay," says Naruto, nodding. "So what kind of doctor are you?"

"I heal the body," says Sei. "As do all of my comrades. Some of the others are also mind doctors, but I am not."

"Oh, so I can't talk to you then, 'tebayo," sighs Naruto, disappointed.

Sei laughs. "You are a strange child," he says. Then he walks up to Mr. Kurama and gently lays his cheek against the side of Mr. Kurama's snout. "I will go back to the rest of the Guards and tell them where you are," he says, patting Kurama's cheek. "We will all come and find you and finally do the task we were trained our whole lives to do: guard the mighty Nine Tailed Fox."

To Naruto's utter astonishment, Kurama is quite happy to face cuddle with Sei. Naruto is jealous. He wants to hug Kurama. Naruto starts to feel possessive of Mr. Kurama. "We should go," he says, trying not to sound irritated. "We don't have much time before the Order of Joe comes back, do we, 'tebayo?"

"You are right," sighs Sei, reluctantly taking his face off Kurama's. "I will come and find you once I have gathered the rest of the Guards. Where are you going from here?"

"To the Temple of Dave, 'tebbayo," says Naruto, feeling conflicted over whether wants to share Kurama with nine more of Sei or meet nine more badasses like Sei. But he does want Kurama to be happy, since then Kurama is more likely to want to be friends with Naruto.

"We will meet you there," says Sei. "The Order of Dave is nothing like the other three Orders. They are more like a small village than an actual cult, so you will be safe in their midst, and in no danger of being inducted accidently or against your will."

"That's good," says Naruto. "I'm already in the Order of Steve AND the Leader of the Order of Jashin, 'tebayo."

"Oh dear," says Sei, completely unfazed. "That's an awful lot of responsibility for one so young."

Naruto pulls a face and kicks Sei out of Kurama's seal. "How is he so calm about everything?" Naruto pouts at Kurama, crossing his arms indignantly.

"I like him," says Mr. Kurama, pulling his nose back into the cage and sitting back with a grin on his face.

"Hmmph," grunts Naruto, sticking his nose in the air and leaving the seal in annoyance.

"Explain. Now." Iruka-nii demands, grabbing the front of Naruto chunin vest. "Who is this guy and why do you trust him?"

"The Sage of Six Paths is the bijuus' dad, and he sent them all to live in different parts of the Elemental Nations before he died," explains Naruto, trying to keep it short. "He assigned each bijuu ten guards to look after them. After the guards died, new Guards were chosen to replace them-"

"I am one of Kurama's Guards," interrupts Sei. "Each of the other Eight sets of Guards continue the tradition to this day as well. We keep in regular contact, and are constantly keeping watch for the bijuu. Unfortunately, the Hidden Villages are very secretive about bijuu, so we have not had any success finding the bijuu. Does that answer your questions?"

"Yes," says Iruka, releasing Naruto's vest.

"Good, then I'll get on with healing these two," says Sei, kneeling down beside Naruto's Grandpa and Gramps Pants. Sei's hands light up with healing chakra, and he starts doing whatever it is healers do when they heal people.

"I am going to put all those scrolls back where I found them," says Iruka-nii, and heads off to the Temple of Joe at a ninja run.

"What is wrong with the little...uh..is that messy red haired child male or female?" says Sei, frowning at the mess of tie-dyed shorts and shirt and scruffy red hair that is Burifu.

"Oh, that's Burifu," says Naruto, wondering how someone so cool could be so stupid. "She's obviously a girl."

"I could not tell because of the mud," says Sei, taking his glowing hands away from Naruto's Grandpa and Gramps Pants. "What is wrong with her?"

"Nothing, she's just tired from the fight," says Shisui from his perch on top of a nearby pile of rubble. He and Neji took it upon themselves to keep a look out, apparently. Neji is perched on a half-fallen wall keeping watch in the opposite direction to Shisui.

Gramps Pants briefly opens his eyes, but then he just closes them again and goes back to sleep. Naruto's Grandpa actually wakes up properly and sits up. He looks around. "So did we win?" he asks. "Who is this guy?" he adds, when he sees Sei. "And where's Iruka?"

"Iruka-nii's in the Temple of Joe, this guy is Sei - he's one of Mr. Kurama's Guards, and he saved us from the Order of Joe, 'tebayo," says Naruto.

"Ooh, tell me more," says Naruto's Grandpa eagerly. "It sounds like a lot happened while I was out."

"Yep, it all started when you killed Sasori…" Naruto begins.

"NO!" Sei claps a hand over Naruto's mouth. "You do not have time for flashbacking! You all need to clear out of here before the Order of Joe returns with their leaders. Those guys would give the Uzumaki Queen a run for her money!"

"Aw, but I wanted to tell Grandpa what happened after he used...fuuinjutsu…" Naruto realizes when he is saying as he says it. "Grandpa...you used fuuinjutsu. How?"

"Well, um…" Naruto's Grandpa glances at Sei and says, "I'll tell you on the way to the temple of Dave, and then you can tell me how I...killed Sasori...I KILLED SASORI?!" Naruto's Grandpa's jaw drops and his eyes go wide.

"Yes you did," says Shisui. "But we need to get out of the ruins now, because the Order of Joe is no laughing matter."

"But I'm not finished my research," protests Naruto's Grandpa. "My research is the reason we are on this trip."

"Naruto, take over from me as look out," says Shisui. "I'll take Arashi to the Temple so he can take a crap ton of pictures."

"Yes, Shisui," says Naruto, even though he wants to see the temple of Joe. His Grandpa will be much safer with Shisui, though. "So what am I looking for aside from the Order of Joe?"

"Bandits, enemy shinobi, travellers who need to gtfo," explains Shisui. "We'll be back as soon as we can."

"Sweet," says Naruto, and starts scanning the ruins for signs of life.


	155. On to the Final Destination

"NOOOOOO!" Naruto's Grandpa yells in protest as Shisui and Iruka-nii force him away from the temple of Joe, back to the rest of the team. "I WANT TO STAY LONGER!"

Naruto turns to look, and sees Shisui trying to pull his Grandpa along, while Iruka-nii pushes him along from behind.

"I MUST DO MORE RESEARCH!" Arashi protests, trying to go back to the Temple of Joe.

"But you already took pictures of everything!" says Shisui.

"But I need to stay longer!" Insists Naruto's Grandpa, who is practically being carried over to the rest of the team by this point.

"No Dad," says Iruka-nii calmly. "We have to go. It is too dangerous here, and we have already stayed longer than we should have."

Naruto's eyes widen in surprise. That is the first time he has heard Iruka-nii call his Grandpa 'Dad'. Usually, Iruka just calls his adopted Dad by his name, since that was what they agreed on when the adoption took place.

Evidently, Naruto's Grandpa is pretty surprised about being called Dad too, because he stops struggling instantly and just gapes at Iruka. Iruka and Shisui waste no time getting Naruto's grandpa back to the rest of the team.

Then Iruka-nii sees the expression on Naruto's Grandpa's face and asks, "Is something wrong? You look like you saw a ghost or something."

"You called me Dad," says Naruto's Grandpa, sounding just as gobsmacked as he looks.

"Well...ah…" Iruka-nii blushes pokes at his scar. "...you are my Dad."

Naruto grins.

"I think that is enough soppy stuff for now," interjects Sei. "I can sense the Order of Joe heading this way. We need to leave now."

"On it, 'tebayo," says Naruto, jumping down from his look out post. "I found some smoke-able plants growing in a patch of mud!"

Gramps Pants sits up. "What plants?" he demands.

Burifu rolls over and sits up. "Mud?"

"I'll help you find some for real later," Promises Naruto. "The Order of Joe is coming back already, so we have to leave, dattebayo."

"You mean you lied to wake us up?" frowns Gramps Pants, looking more sad than annoyed.

"Not really," says Naruto. "I did find some wild tobacco once, and since it was raining, all the dirt around it had turned to mud. But that was ages ago, 'tebayo."

"That's very interesting, Naruto," says Sei patently, "but we really need to leave. Both the founders are with the Order."

"I have to go and find Sparky first," says Naruto, who does not want to leave Sparky behind. "I let him go and hide while we were fighting Sasori, 'tebayo."

"We finished fighting Sasori over an hour ago," says Iruka-nii. "Sparky should have figured out the battle is over and come back by now."

 _Sparky is in the forest to the north,_ says Mr. Kurama, who still sounds really happy. _He's been getting further and further away since the fight finished. As soon as Iruka and Shisui confirmed Sasori's death, Sparky took off._

"Mr. Kurama says Sparky took off again, dattebayo!" shouts Naruto, and runs through the ruins to the north.

"Wait, Naruto!" Iruka-nii calls after him.

"Don't stop him, follow him!" orders Sei. "He's heading away from the Order of Joe. Now hurry!"

Naruto glances back and sees his team mates and Grandpa scrambling over the ruins in pursuit of him. Naruto makes a bunch of shadow clones and sends them back for his teammates and Grandpa. The shadow clones lift Team Iruka and naruto's Grandpa off the ground and fly them over the ruins. Sei is already half way through the ruins on his way back to the land of fire by the time Naruto's shadow clones catch up with Naruto himself. Once they are caught up, Naruto flies alongside his clones and team mates.

Naruto flies on in pursuit of Sparky, and soon finds him trying to free his leash from a branch. Naruto flies over and unhooks Sparky's leash. "Sparky, I wish you could tell me why you keep flying off," sighs Naruto. "Then I could help you, 'tebayo."

Sparky squawks angrily and tugs at his leash.

Naruto loops the end around his wrist and turns to Iruka-nii. "Which way is the Temple of Dave, 'tebayo?"

"I don't actually know," admits Iruka-nii. "I know it is somewhere on this island. Do you know where it is, Grandfather Pantsu?"

"Yes I do," says Gramps Pants thoughtfully. "Ya know, I think this bird dude is trying to get the the Temple of Dave. Odd things happen around that area, and it is possible he is trying to get there."

"You hear that, Sparky?" says Naruto. "The place we are going might be the place you want to go. So please stop to trying to fly off, 'tebayo?"

Sparky squawks and hops onto Naruto's shoulder. Naruto pets Sparky's head.

"To the Temple of Dave, then," says Iruka, smiling. "Let's hope their insanity is manageable."

"Shall we walk from here?" suggests Shisui. "The Order of Joe is quite far behind us now, and we can't wear Naruto out by letting him fly us around."

"The Order of Joe is slow," says Burifu. "They won't catch up to us now."

Naruto and his shadow clones return to the ground, and the shadow clones dispel. "While we walk, can you tell us how you learned to do fuuinjutsu, Grandpa?" Naruto asks. "That was awesome how you used that seal, dattebayo!"

"Yes, I'll tell you," says Naruto's Grandpa. "Just don't interrupt me."

* * *

 _Arashi and Kazama are busy doing the dishes while Naruto studies fuuinjutsu. Iruka is out with friends, and Arashi secretly hopes Iruka will bring a girl home._

 _The door bangs open and Hinata trips lightly inside. "Good afternoon!" she greets them. "Can Naruto come out and play?"_

" _So long as he's done his homework," says Kazama, firmly._

" _Aw," says Naruto sadly._

" _I'll help him with his homework after we come back," says Hinata, hopefully._

" _In that case, bring him back in time for dinner," says Kazama. "If your parents agree, you can stay here for dinner and help Naruto with his homework."_

" _Yay! Thank you Granny Kazama!" says Hinata, and then she grabs Naruto and drags him away._

 _Once the children are out of sight, Arashi says, "Shouldn't we have got Naruto to put his fuuinjutsu stuff away?"_

 _Kazama turns to look at Arashi. "Are you not curious about what is in those books?" she asks, raising her eyebrows pointedly._

" _Very much so," admits Arashi, glancing at Naruto's fuuinjutsu books, then at the half-finished dishes, then back to the books. "The dishes can wait." Arashi puts down his tea towel and the dish he was drying, and heads over to the table. Kazama pulls off her rubber gloves and follows._

 _When they reach the table, Arashi and Kazama each pick up one of the two fuuinjutsu books. Arashi picks up book one and Kazama picks up book two. They look at eachother, gulp nervously, and open the books. Arashi starts reading and can't stop. He sits down and keeps reading, fascinated by the strange book on sealing basics. Kazama parks herself in the chair beside him and reads over his shoulder. The pair is so engrossed, they barely notice the time pass. All too soon, they hear Iruka coming up the drive. They put the books down and go back to doing the dishes, somewhat guiltily._

 _Over the next few days, while Iruka and Naruto are at the Academy, Arashi and Kazama read through the fuuinjutsu books, and attempt some of the chakra control exercises in them. Kazama soon gives up, claiming nothing is happening and she has music lessons to teach. Arashi keeps at it, learning all of the seal formulae by heart, and even trying some of the more basic ones. He is able to do them, but they drain his chakra terribly. Knowing what the incomplete seals are for, Arashi does not touch those. He knows full well that he has no protection against the shinigami that might appear._

 _Arashi learns the four Wrath of the Shinigami seals, thinking that they might come in handy some time. He only ever attempts one once, however. After his attempt, he is so drained of chakra that he falls unconscious and does not wake up until the next day. It is a good thing that Iruka is on a mission and Naruto is staying at Choji's house that night, or they would discover Arashi's fuuinjutsu. Kazama is understandably upset by Arashi passing out from chakra depletion and makes him promise not to use seals again except in extreme circumstances._

* * *

"So that's it, huh?" says Iruka thoughtfully. "Naruto, you really shouldn't leave your fuuinjutsu stuff lying around, but _damn_ I am glad you did."

"Arashi, dude," says Gramps Pants, obviously impressed. "You are the most Uzumaki non-Uzumaki to ever Uzumaki, eh."

"Wow," says Shisui, grinning at Naruto's Grandpa. "You and Naruto are definitely related. How did I never realize?"

"Because you are an idiot," says Neji solemnly. "It is blindingly obvious they are related and you should be ashamed of yourself for not seeing it."

"Aw, be nice, Neji," says Naruto. "It is an S rank secret, 'tabayo."

"Hidden Leaf S Rank secrets are the most obvious things ever, though, eh," says Gramps Pants. "Oh look dudes, we're nearly there, eh."

Naruto and the others look ahead to where the trees are starting to opening out into a clearing. There is a blue barrier between them and the clearing, and what looks like a cross between a village and a theme park inside the clearing.

As they reach the barrier, the team is greeted by three kids. There are two kids about eleven years old who look like twins and a chubby little girl with a bob cut, who looks about five or six. "Who goes there?" ask the twins in unison.

"Uzumaki Naruto, dattebayo!" replies Naruto instantly. "This is my grandpa, my uncle, my new bestie, my pranking buddy, my something-or-other-ist cousin and my great-something uncle. Who are you?"

"I'm Chippie Uzumaki," says the older girl, who is wearing a sparkly sweater. "That's my twin brother Kipper, and that's Namiko." Once she is finished introducing her companions, Chippie throws her hands up and shouts: "Open the barrier!"

Kipper turns his blue and white cap backwards and pulls a lever situated by the barrier. A rectangle door opens up in the barrier, and Team Iruka, plus Sparky and Arashi, walks through.

"Welcome to Gravity Fails!" says Chippie, grinning and showing a sparkly stud glued to one of her front teeth.


	156. Gravity Fails

"Gravity Fails?" says Shisui dubiously. "Why's it called that?"

"Obviously it's because random stuff happens here on a regular basis," says Namiko, rolling her eyes.

"You have quite an extensive vocabulary, little dudette, eh," comments Gramps Pants.

"Hey," Chippie whispers to Kipper. "What does extensive mean?"

"It means huge," whispers back Kipper. "Namiko, could you take these visitors to the motel? It's nearly time for you to go back anyway."

"I still have ten minutes!" protests Namiko.

"It'll take you ten minutes to get this old guy to the motel," says Chippie, pointing at Gramps Pants.

Naruto decides it's time for someone to say something. The older kids are obviously trying to get rid of the little one, whom Naruto guesses is their little sister. "Your name's Namiko, right?" Naruto asks the little girl.

"Yeah," says Namiko, nodding.

"This is Sparky," says Naruto, taking Sparky off his shoulder. "He's my pet phoenix. Do you wanna pet him, 'tebayo?"

Namiko looks torn between falling for the obvious ploy to stop her from noticing the big kids are trying to get rid of her and beating the crap out of them. After a few seconds, Namiko pets Sparky. Sparky understands what Naruto is trying to do and hops over to the kid's shoulder and rubs his face against her cheek. Namiko giggles, glares at the twins and says, "The motel is this way."

Namiko leads Team Iruka, extra members and all, through a short patch of forest. Soon the trees open out into a clearing where several houses sit nestled in patches of bush. Off to one side is a walled area, and off to the other is a giant hedge.

"What's behind the wall?" asks Shisui curiously.

"The park," says Namiko. "Lots of kids around here learn fuuinjutsu and accidently summon things from a parallel universe. There's also a rift somewhere around here that leads to that universe, but no one can ever find it. The weird animals and stuff all go in the zoo part of the park. Lots of people come from all over to visit it."

"What about the hedge?" asks Neji, who is looking at the hedge with his byakugan. "There's a strange energy coming from it, but I can't see past it with my byakugan."

"That's the temple of Dave," says Namiko reverently. "No one can get past the barrier, or see past the barrier unless they are from the Uzumaki clan or the Umino clan. And no one's allowed in there either, unless it's an emergency."

Soon, they reach the motel, a low lying building with a sign over the door reading: _The Mystery Motel._ Or, at least, it should read that. The 'M' from 'Motel' is lying in the grass in front of the motel. "Well, this is the motel," says Namiko. Then she sees something out of the corner of her eye and runs off. Naruto sees Namiko disappear around the corner dragging someone out of sight behind her.

"Did she just ditch us?" says Shisui, blinking and staring at the spot where Namiko was standing.

"Yeah, did you see who she ran off with, 'tebayo?" asks Naruto.

"No," says Iruka-nii.

"It was a pretty lady with red hair," says Burifu, grinning. "Let's go inside, I'm tired and I'm hungry and I need to pee."

"Come on then," says Iruka-nii, opening the motel door and ushering everyone inside.

Once he is inside, Naruto has a good look around the lobby. There are gift items for sale, such as hats, scarves, a jar of glass eyeballs that look startlingly real and many other strange things. On the wall behind the counter there is a large, framed photo of a mermaid that is obviously faked. In the center of the lobby is a stuffed bunny with fairy wings stitched onto it.

Iruka-nii and Naruto's grandpa head up to the counter, where a tall teenage girl with long red hair is watching them. "Welcome to the Mystery Motel," she says. "My name is Wendi, what can I do for you?"

"We'd like rooms for - how long are we staying?" Sasy Iruka-nii, breaking off mid-sentence to ask Naruto's Grandpa a question.

"Doesn't matter," says Wendi, leaning her elbows on the counter. "We have no one else staying here at the moment, and no one due to come for another week. The only visitors we do have are staying at someone's house because they want to avoid any other visitors. They are ninjas like you, so we'll be making sure you stay out of each other's way: we do not tolerate conflict inside Gravity Fails. Got all that?"

"Yes, no fighting!" grins Naruto's Grandpa.

"So how many of you are there?" Wendi asks.

"Three children and four adults," replies Iruka-nii promptly.

"Do you have bunk beds?" demands Naruto, running up to the counter. They probably don't, but he would be so happy…

"Yeah, we have bunk beds," says Wendi. "Our family suite has a couple of sets. I guess you guys can have the family suite, but you'll need an extra room for someone. There's only six beds in the family suite."

"Dibs being by myself," says Shisui, instantly.

"No one wants to look at your pyjamas anyway," says Neji.

Shisui growls unhappily and goes a bit pink.

Naruto laughs and highfives Neji.

"I'll show you to your rooms, then," says Wendi. She leads them through a door, down a corridor and stops about halfway down. "This room is the family room," she says, opening the door with the number 5 on it. "And this loser can have this room," she taps the number six door across the hall. "Make sure you pay before you leave."

"You're pretty laid back here," comments Naruto's grandpa.

"We are," agrees Wendi. "But don't you dare cross us."

* * *

Naruto wakes up the next morning to the happy realization that he is sleeping in a bunk-bed. Iruka-nii is on the bottom bunk, Neji is on the top bunk of the other set and Burifu was on the bottom of the other set. After a very short time, she climbed up onto the top so she could use Neji's knees as a pillow. Gramps Pants and Naruto's Grandpa are sleeping in the two single beds on the other side of the room.

Naruto wonders if, when actual families stay in this room, the parents are glad or unhappy about there being no double bed. Naruto remembers his parents and his good mood vanishes. Hurriedly, Naruto pushes the thought to the back of his mind and jumps down off the bunk bed, right on top of Iruka-nii.

"OW!" Iruka-nii protests.

"IT'S MORNING, DATTEBAYO!" Naruto shouts, trying to get his good mood back. "I want to see the PARK!"

Sparky flies down from his perch on Neji's bed-rail and squawks loudly, waking up everyone who Naruto didn't already wake up.

"Naruto!" Protests Naruto's Grandpa. "It's six am. It's too early to get up."

"But I'm awake, 'tebayo!"

"I'll take Naruto to find some breakfast," sighs Iruka. "The rest of you can sleep until we get back."

"I'll come," says Neji, climbing down from his bunk. "I am used to getting up at this time for training."

Naruto changes out of his panda pyjamas and panda hat while Neji vanishes into the ensuite bathroom and emerges after having a two minute shower, washing his hair, getting dressed and brushing his teeth. The entire process takes him five minutes. By that time, Iruka is also dressed and has tidied up his hair, which wasn't even messy. Iruka-nii's hair is always perfect.

Once the three of them are ready, Iruka, Naruto, Sparky and Neji head out to find some breakfast. They leave the motel and look for a cafe. A short way down the dirt road, they come across a breakfast bar. "Let's try in there," suggests Iruka, heading over to it.

"It probably has boring food, 'tebayo," sighs Naruto, following.

"This place is run by Uzumaki's, right?" says Neji. "I doubt it will be boring."

Once they are inside, the trio checks out the menu. Naruto orders Breakfast Ramen for himself and breakfast cereal for Sparky, Neji orders Breakfast Cereal and Iruka-nii orders Breakfast Soup and Pancakes. It seems the Order of Steve aren't the only ones who eat soup and pancakes for breakfast.

Once they have devoured their food, Neji, Iruka, Sparky and Naruto head over to the zoo to see if it is open. It isn't, but the guard lets them in anyway, after telling them they haven't had many visitors lately, but there is another one inside who can show them around.

The four of them head inside the zoo and looks around for the other person who is there.

"You know, the other guest the guard mentioned is probably one of the shinobi who are here," says Neji.

"Aren't we supposed to be avoiding them, 'tebayo?" says Naruto, pulling a face and crossing his arms.

"Looks like the memo hasn't gone out yet," sighs Iruka-nii. "We will have to take it upon ourselves to stay away from these shinobi - if they are even enemies."

Naruto sees someone come around the corner and grins. "HI NAGATO!" he yells, waving enthusiastically.


	157. What Sparky was Searching For

"Nagato!" Iruka smiles, "Are you one of the other ninjas we heard about?"

"I am indeed," says Nagato, heading over to Iruka, Naruto, Sparky and Neji. "My apprentice is also here. I brought her here for a holiday, so you can finally meet her. What are you doing here?"

"We're on a mission," says Naruto. "Grandpa is visiting all of the Whirlpool Temples for his research, 'tebayo. Iruka-nii, Neji, Shisui and me are his bodyguards. We also picked up some extras ones our way here."

"Cool," nods Nagato, smiling. "Oh, you brought Sparky with you," he says, petting Sparky. "There is a phoenix in this zoo, come, I'll show you." Nagato heads off, waving at them to follow.

Naruto, Iruka and Shisui all look at Sparky. "Is that phoenix a friend of Sparky's?" wonders Naruto. "Is that why he was trying to come here, 'tebayo?"

Sparky flies up into the air and hovers, waiting for Naruto to keep walking. Naruto follows Nagato, and Neji and Iruka follow along too. Sparky hovers majestically above them as they walk. Nagato leads them to an enclosure in which a sparkly purple unicorn is lying in the grass while a phoenix nestles in the grass nearby, fast asleep.

"Sparky, I'm going to let you off the leash," says Iruka-nii, softly. "If you know that phoenix, stay put. If you know the unicorn, land on Naruto's shoulder. If you know them both, land on mine, okay?"

Sparky looks down at Iruka-nii and waits for Iruka to undo the leash. Once Iruka has undone the leash, Sparky flies down onto Iruka's shoulder and ruffles his feathers pointedly.

"He knows the unicorn too?" says Neji. "Wait...Sparky, is that Mrs. Sparky and Mrs. Sparkles over there?"

Sparky flies over to Neji's shoulder and rubs his head against Sparky' s face.

"I'll get the Guard," says Nagato. "He has the keys." Nagato vanishes and reappears a minute later with the gate guard.

The guard says, "So these two are friends of your pet then?" he asks. "So do you want me to let him in, or them out?"

"Let them out," says Iruka.

"Ahh…" the guard seems doubtful about whether or not he should. "I don't think the boss would like that."

"Look, Susu," says Nagato, putting his arm around the guard's shoulders. "We just need the gates open for a tiny bit. We'll shut them again when we are finished. And don't worry, we'll talk to the boss for you."

"Ah...okay." The guard, Susu, goes over to the gate and unlocks it.

Sparky flies into the enclosure and makes a sound quite unlike his usual squawks. The other phoenix and the unicorn lift their heads and look up at him. The phoenix flies up onto the air and circles around Sparky. The two fire birds fly around each other, and then fly to the ground. Tiny drops of pure gold fall from their eyes as they wrap their tails together and rubs their heads together. Sparky tucks the other phoenix under his wing and makes the same cooing noises he makes to Naruto when Naruto is upset. The unicorn gets up and trots over, nickering softly, but a bit desperately, Naruto thinks.

Neji goes over to the unicorn and puts his hand out. "Hello," he says gently. "I am Neji. My cousin is looking after Sparkles. I will take you to him when we head home."

The unicorn whinnies and shakes her mane.

Sparky squawks something in reply.

The unicorn bumps her head against Neji's shoulder and knickers softly. Neji strokes the unicorn's nose and smiles.

"How did you know they were here, Sparky?" asks Naruto heading over to Sparky and Mrs. Sparky. He sits down in the grass beside them and stares at the two phoenixes, thinking how magical they look.

Sparky squawks at Naruto condescendingly.

"Aw, I wish I knew what you were saying, 'tebayo," sighs Naruto, pulling a face.

 _He says he'd tell you, but you can't understand,_ chimes in Mr. Kurama smugly.

"Mr. Kurama, you can understand Sparky, dattebayo!?" Naruto yells, forgetting that only he can hear Mr. Kurama.

Sparky squawks again and looks at Naruto expectantly.

"What'shesay? What'shesay?" says Naruto, blurring his words together.

 _He says he figured I'd probably be able to understand him,_ says Mr. Kurama, smugly. _But for a magical brd with an IQ over 300, he really isn't all that sensible. He could have gotten you to follow him on one of his searches instead of running off on his own. Tell him that._

 _Yes Mr. Kurama,_ sighs Naruto. Aloud, he says, "Sparky, Mr. Kurama says you should've got me to go with you to look for Mrs. Sparky instead of running off on your own."

Sparky puffs out his feathers and squawks something long winged back at Mr. Kurama that sounds very rude.

 _You tell that damned fire bird that he may be the smartest creature in this world, but I am one of the oldest in this world!_ Snaps Mr. Kurama. _He can be the most intelligent creature in the universe, but he hasn't got a shred of sense! Even I know that in some situations you need to team up with people!_

Naruto relays the message.

Mrs. Sparky nips Sparky's neck and stops him from replying in kind. She squawks something of her own.

 _The bird woman told him to shut up and stop arguing with the ancient chakra being, who is obviously wiser than Sparky is smart,_ says Mr. Kurama, chuckling.

 _I don't get it,_ Naruto tells Mr. Kurama, crossing his arms and screwing his face up in confusion.

 _That's because you're 13 and don't know anything,_ replies Mr. Kurama, without missing a beat.

 _I know the Multi Shadow Clone Jutsu and fuuinjutsu,_ says Naruto, sticking his bottom lip out.

 _And not a lot else, but sometimes that's a good thing._

Naruto is _sure_ he just got insulted, but he cannot figure out _how_ he got insulted.

The sound of tapping catches Naruto's attention. He turns to see an old man appear in the enclosure's gateway. The man is about as old as Gramps pants, but this old guy is dressed in a smart-looking suit, and has a red fez on his head. The fez has the Uzumaki clan symbol on it, as does the head of the old man's walking stick. The old man has a very square jaw sporting a five o'clock shadow and tufts of white hair sticking out from under his silly hat.

"Hi, boss," says Susu.

Naruto stands up and grins at the old man. "Are you the head of the Order of Dave? I am Naruto Uzumaki, head of the Order of Jashin by accident and member of the Order of Steve by choice, 'tebayo. Nice to meet you."

"Yes, I'm the head of the Order of Dave," says the old man. "My name's Gurunku. Kid, your handler must be something else if you know manners."

"I am not sure if I should be pleased you think I'm something else or offended you called me his handler," says Iruka-nii, face palming gracefully.

"And you are?" asks Gurunku, pointing his walking stick at Iruka-nii.

"Iruka Umino, head of the Umino clan, member of the Order of Steve," replies Iruka, jumping on the status listing bandwagon. "Naruto's...handler."

"And Uncle and brother," adds Naruto. "He's adopted. Twice. That's how much we love Iruka-nii."

Iruka face palms again.

"What about this one?" Gurunku points his walking stick at Neji.

"I am Neji Hyuga," says Neji, bowing in greeting. "I too, am a Member of the Order of Steve. I would like to take this unicorn to my cousin Hinata. She and this unicorn's mate are business partners."

"I summoned Sparky and Sparkles while I was leaning fuuinjutsu, 'tebayo," chimes in Naruto. "These two you have in your zoo are Mrs. Sparky and Mrs. Sparkles. They are gonna come back to the Hidden Leaf with us so all four of them can be reunited."

"Why can't the other unicorn come here and be in my zoo?"demands Gurunku, frowning. "I need to make money off the little girls who want unicorn rides."

"Yeah, and Hinata needs to make money off the brides who want a unicorn at their wedding," says Neji, crossing his arms.

"Why don't you summon an entire herd of unicorns through that secret portal of yours and let the kids have these two?" suggests Iruka.

"We can't control what comes out of the portal," says Gurunku. "If we could, there would be an infinite pizza dispenser here."

Iruka-nii sighs. "Stand aside," he says, waving everyone out of his way. Then he pulls out a brush and inc, draws a seal on the air, activates the seal. The seal turns into a shiny portal and out gallops a herd of unicorns. The portal closes just as a man on a horse who has a long spear in one hand gallops through. Iruka-nii promptly stabs the man in the face before he can harm the unicorns. The unicorns stop their wild flight when they see Neji standing calmly with one of their own. They take in their surroundings, then start grazing and drinking water from the stream in the enclosure. The horse joins them.

"I am badass," says Nagato, staring in awe. "But I don't think I will ever be casually-summons-a-herd-of-unicorns badass."

"Nope, only Iruka-nii," says Naruto proudly. "So now can we have Mrs. Sparkles and Mrs. Sparky?" he asks Gurunku.

"Ah, fine," agrees Gurunku. "But only if your handler also summons me a flock of phoenixes."

Iruka does exactly that before Gurunku has even finished saying 'phoenixes'.

 _I no longer doubt that this guy could drain the ocean if he wanted to,_ says Mr. Kurama.


	158. Zetsu's Bad Day Gets Better

Shisui wakes up to the sound of a messenger hawk tapping on his window. He rolls out of bed, and heads over to the window. Shisui opens the window, let's the messenger hawk in and takes its message. The hawk flies away, obviously it did not want a reply. The message has the Hokage's symbol on it, and Shisui wonders why the Hokage is sending him a message and not Iruka. Iruka is team captain.

Just as Shisui opens the message scroll, he remembers that Fugaku is the Hokage now, not Lord Third.

The scroll explodes in Shisui's face, but does not hurt him at all. Shrugging, Shisui reads what the message actually says. It reads, "Itachi is having a boy, and you better be back before she's due or I will find you and castrate you, Shisui." Lord Fugaku's name is signed at the bottom, but Shisui barely notices.

Shisui throws the scroll up in the air with a yell of victory. Who cares if jumping up and down is undignified behaviour? Shisui knows what his kid is! He is having a boy! Yay!

Buzzing with excitement, Shisui throws on his beach-mission clothes, and heads off to do his hair all nice and majestically. When he looks in the mirror, Shisui gasps in horror.

He has a sparkly blue mustache.

So that's what the explosion did!

Shisui tries to wash the mustache off, but has no success. If anything, he makes it shinier.

Shisui's mood drops when he realizes he is stuck with the mustache for an indeterminate amount of time. But then he remembers he and Itachi are having a boy and his good mood returns. So what if he has a sparkly blue mustache? Shisui is having a baby! Well, Itachi is having the baby, but Shisui has a son! He's not born yet, but oh well. Buzzing, Shisui heads to the room where the rest of his team are sleeping to tell them the news.

Burifu, Pantsu and Arashi are the only ones there and they are all sleeping. Not caring how much he annoys them, Shisui yells, "Guys! Itachi's having a boy!"

Arashi sticks his head up and says, "Good for her." Then he lays his head back down on the pillow and ignores Shisui.

"Is Itachi your girlfriend?" asks Burifu, sitting up.

"Yes," says Shisui. "And she's having a baby boy! We're having a baby! Yay!" Shisui squees a little.

Burifu stares at Shisui with a guileless expression on her face. Then she starts singing. " _Shisui and Itachi, in a tree k-i-s-s-i-n-g! First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in a golden carriage_!" then she points and laughs at Shisui. "'Cept you got it in the wrong order!"

"Some people do, eh," says Pantsu, getting out of bed incredibly slowly. "Not everyone follows the song."

"Do babies really come in a golden carriage?" asks Burifu, curiously. "What's a golden carriage, anyway?"

"No they don't," says Arashi, sticking his head up again. "And a carriage is like a pram but fancier."

"Aren't they just different words for the same thing?" says Shisui, frowning. "I mean, they're both for putting babies in, and they both have wheels…"

* * *

Zetsu is fed up with these crazy people already. One minute he is walking past a strange dome-like barrier, the next minute, a bunch of red headed seal masters are tackling him into a box and dragging him inside the dome. Then they shove him into a cage and stand outside it discussing him.

"Maybe if we stick him in this enclosure, he won't be able to escape," says one red head.

"I could have sworn we didn't have anything like this in our zoo," says another.

"No, we don't," says a third. "This one is completely new. I wonder how he managed to slip outside the barrier? Ah well, it doesn't matter. I wonder what it eats?"

"We eat humans," says Zetsu.

"I'm afraid we don't have any of those to feed you," says the first red head. "Although I might be tempted to give you my sister here. She's a pain."

"Oi!" says the third human indignantly and punches the first one. The two female humans start fist fighting.

The second human steps out of their way and says, "I can get you some nice cows or maybe a pig, is that okay?"

"It will do for now," says Zetsu, wondering how easy it will be to escape, eat the three humans and then go back to what he was doing. He was looking for Nagato. That pesky Leader of the Hidden rain still has Madara's rinnegan, and Zetsu needs them back. The plan is nearly complete: everything is in place to resurrect Kaguya, except that they need Madara's eyes and the tailed beasts. The current plan is to resurrect Madara so he can hunt down all the tailed beasts and seal them inside himself, then cast the Infinite Tsukuyomi on the world and, only Zetsu knows this part, Kaguya will return.

The only problem is getting Nagato alone. Nagato is usually with someone so powerful or in the know that Zetsu won't be able to sneakily take the eyes without anyone noticing until they find Nagato's corpse days later. Then jinchuuriki will start disappearing, starting with the ones least likely to be missed, and then the rest, the ones people will miss, will vanish almost overnight. By the time the operation is complete, the shinobi world will only just be beginning to realize something is wrong.

The only potential problem is Akatsuki. Zetsu did his best to recruit them, but he failed. But Nagato is off on his own, with that little sidekick he found for himself. This is the perfect opportunity to kill Nagato and take Madara's eyes.

So of course Zetsu got caught by what are obviously some Uzumaki seal masters who want to keep him in some kind of zoo.

Zetsu decides to wait around for the free food he was promised while he contemplates where to search for Nagato next. He could always start here, inside this strange place. The food arrives promptly and still very much alive. Zetsu enjoys his meal tremendously and settles down to sleep for the night in his grassy-floored cage. Escaping from here will be simple.

When morning comes Zetsu is woken by the sound of humans talking outside his cage. Zetsu gets up and goes to see is his breakfast has arrived. Can't hunt Nagato on an empty stomach.

There is no breakfast.

But there is Nagato.

"So this is our new arrival," an old man with a walking stick is telling Nagato and the Leaf ninjas with him. "He likes to eat his food raw, which is why he is in the Dangerous Creatures section."

"Is this the dangerous Creatures Section?" says Nagato, looking flabbergasted. "But there's a mermaid just over there."

"Mermaids like to drown people and eat their brains," says the old man.

Zetsu thinks that if he was to get a girlfriend one of these mermaid things would be perfect.

"Wow, mermaids are nothing like fairy tales want you to think they are," says the hyuuga boy. For some reason, he has a unicorn beside him.

The boy that Zetsu recognizes as the nine tails jinchuuriki is there too, along with his handler and a couple of fire birds. "It's a plant monster, 'tebayo!" says the kyuubi kid. "I wonder if the plant monster that attacked Pervy sage is from the same universe as this one?"

 _Why yes,_ thinks Zetsu. _Yes I am. Now why do none of you recognize me? You all know about me._

"You're right," says Nagato, peering at Zetsu through the cage bars. "He could be the same species as Black Zetsu."

Zetsu is both ashamed and glad that Nagato is so stupid. Ashamed he ever thought Nagato was intelligent, and glad that Nagato did not recognize him.

But damn, how stupid can you get?

* * *

"In all our efforts to be hospitable," says Gurunku, as they stand outside the Plant Monster's enclosure. "I forgot to actually ask you why you are here. So what are a team of Leaf shinobi, the head of the order of Steve, his great granddaughter and a historian doing in Gravity Fails?"

"We're here to visit the Temple of Dave," says Iruka, watching the plant monster shuffle around its enclosure. "We are taking the historian - my dad - on a tour of the Four Shinigami Temples. He is researching the Hidden Whirlpool and its destruction. Turns out Sasori of the Red Sand destroyed the Hidden Whirlpool."

"Well I'll be damned," says Gurunku.

"Grandpa killed him, 'tebayo," chimes in Naruto.

"So what do you hope to do in the Temple of Dave?" asks Gurunku suspiciously.

"We just want to go in, take some pictures, film the more interesting parts and check out the sacred scroll," says Iruka. "The Hokage asked us to take a look at it because it contains the Second Hokage's notes on the Sharingan, and he has a feeling someone tampered with the Uchiha's sacred tablet. He wants us to bring him the scroll so he can compare it to the tablet and figure out what has been changed."

"This is no light thing that you want," says Gurunku, seriously. "How can I be sure you do not take anything else from the temple, and that you return the Sacred Scroll when you are finished?"

"On my honour as an Umino," says Iruka solemnly. "I swear the only thing we will take from the Temple of Dave is the Sacred Scroll. I also swear that we will bring it back within a month."

Gurunku considers Iruka's promise for a minute, then he says, "Very well, you may go into the Temple and take the scroll and your photos."


	159. The Temple of Dave

One historian, two unicorns, two phoenixes, two crazy hippies and four shinobi stare up at the giant hedge which creates the maze hiding the Temple of Dave. A small, door-sized opening in the hedge stands, shimmering with a silver glow, in front of the motley group.

"That's a big hedge," says Naruto, stating the obvious.

"I wish I could go inside," says Neji, transfixed by the simmering barrier over the entrance, which he now realizes covers the entire hedge.

"So do I," sighs Arashi. "But who is going to go in?"

"I am," says Iruka sensei firmly. "Who is coming in with me, and who is going in once we are back?"

"I wanna go!" says Burifu, waving her hand in the air.

"But I should go in first, since the research is for my grandpa!" argues Naruto.

"Children," says Pantsu calmly. "I am the eldest, I should go."

"But I wanna!" whines Burifu, stamping her foot and starting to cry big crocodile tears.

Iruka rolls his eyes and says, "I'll just go in the maze and get the scroll while you three argue about who is coming in with me. See ya." Iruka sensei casually walks into the maze.

Neji grins as Burifu and Naruto trip over each other trying to be the first to get in.

Neither of them makes it before the the entrance closes over. Branches and leaves grow up out of the ground, concealing the entrance completely.

"Iruka nii!" shouts Naruto, running up to the closed entrance and trying to move the branches aside.

"There is another entrance around the back," Iruka sensei calls back through the branches. "I'll meet you there."

"Okay!" Naruto agrees and steps away from the entrance. He turns to the others. "We gotta go around, 'tebayo."

Neji hears Iruka sensei's footsteps fade away as the rest of the group starts the long walk around to the other side of the giant maze. When they are out of sight of Gravity Fails, hidden by the trees, the ground begins to shake. Neji leaps back as the plant monster from the zoo rises up from the patch of grass where Neji was about to step.

"It's that Zetsu-like monster, dattebayo!" shouts Naruto, pointing at it.

"We are more than just _like_ Zetsu," says the monster in a strange, menacing voice that sounds like two people talking together. "We _are_ Zetsu."

"So our enemy is a zoo animal?" says Shisui, pointing skeptically at Zetsu.

"I allowed myself to be captured and put in the zoo in order to get past that pesky barrier," says Zetsu, glaring angrily at Shisui. "Nagato is here for the same scroll you are, and I cannot allow him to get it. Your Umino friend, however, is going to bring out that scroll and I am going to take it from him. I cannot allow your Hokage to learn the secrets of the Sharingan. Secrets I concealed by rewriting the sacred tablet!"

"YOU re-wrote the sacred tablet?!" Shisui draws his sword and attacks Zetsu. A branch stops him in his tracks. "Let me go so I can kill you!" Shisui's sharingan is spinning as he struggles against the branches.

"I am not finished speaking," says Zetsu. "I sealed the entrance so none of you could follow, and my comrade is at the other entrance, waiting for the Umino. None of you will make it out of here alive except the kyuubi boy. I need him alive."

Neji activates his byakugan and notices that Naruto is drawing seals, as is Pantsu. Neji, realizing that he could not reach Zetsu, attacks the branches holding Shisui captive. Shisui tries to help by casting a fire jutsu, but Zetsu winds branches around their hands before either of them can do any real damage. Now Neji is trapped too. The branches wind around them, squeezing tighter and sucking up more and more chakra with each second. Soon, Shisui goes limp and Neji is fighting to stay conscious. His byakugan deactivates on its own as Zetsu sucks away the chakra Neji needs to fuel it.

Neji's whole body feels numb.

He is vaguely aware of the three Uzumakis trying to free him and Shisui.

As if from far away, Neji hears Naruto yelling at Arashi to run.

Neji's head feels heavy, and his eyes droop shut. He hears Pantsu telling him to stay awake, to fight the plant monster, but Neji just feels so, so tired...

* * *

Iruka heads deeper into the maze, wondering if the entrance was supposed to close after him. He does not remember his parents saying much of anything about the Temple of Dave. Maybe it is meant to close. Maybe that is why only two people can go inside at once: the entrance closes behind you.

But, then, how do you get back out again?

While he is lost in thought, Iruka takes a turn that disorients him. He tries to backtrack, but ends up even more lost. It's time to take every left turn until he reaches something.

Then Iruka sees a little face vanish around a corner. Curious, Iruka creeps forward and tiptoes around the corner. Then he smiles.

Flattening herself against one side of the maze wall is none other than Namiko, the little girl they met when they arrived in Gravity Fails. She has her arms stretched out and her eyes squeezed shut.

"Hello," says Iruka, kneeling down so he is closer to her height. "What are you doing in here?"

Namiko opens on eye and peers at Iruka suspiciously. "How come you can see me?" she demands. "I have camouflage on."

Iruka grins in amusement. Namiko is wearing camouflage, but her three-quarter pants are blue camouflage. Her top is just a straight up blue vest, so he decides to tease her a little. "Only half of you is camouflaged," he says, deadly serious.

Namiko blushes. "I was talking about the seal!" she snaps.

Iruka notices a piece of paper in the girl's hand. He takes it gently and has a good look at it. "I'm afraid this is not drawn correctly," he tells her. "See here:" he points to a certain place on the seal and she creeps over to peer at it. "This should be up the other way. If you'd actually activated this, you would have made yourself glow."

Namiko's face crumbles and she looks like she is about to cry.

"It's alright," says Iruka, his inner teacher taking over. (And yes, he is aware that it's not really very inner.) "Everyone makes mistakes, especially when they are still learning. Have you ever tried to use this seal before?"

"Mmhm," Namiko nods. "But it didn't work so sensei told me to try that bit up the other way." She points to the bit Iruka just pointed out to her.

"Ah," Iruka nods, realizing what the problem was. "You must've forgotten to activate it that time too."

Namiko blushes bright red.

Iruka adjusts the seal and activates it. "Is it working now?" he asks.

"Yes," Namiko grins happily. "Now let me try!"

Iruka deactivates the seal and hands it to her.

Namiko holds the slip of paper in both hands and concentrates very hard, trying to activate it. Then she stops abruptly and looks up at Iruka with watery eyes. "How come it's not working?"

"Try again," says Iruka. Namiko does so, and this time Iruka pays closer attention to what she is actually doing. Then he laughs.

"What's so funny?" Namiko demands, glaring at Iruka.

"You only need to put a short burst of chakra into it, not pump chakra into it," says Iruka, bringing his laughter under control. "What you are doing is turning it off and on again."

Namiko stares at Iruka in surprise, then she starts laughing too. "That's why those seals won't work!"

"Have you been doing it with other seals too?" Iruka asks, smiling.

"Ah-ha," Namiko nods. "I will have to be careful in the future."

"How did you get in here, anyway?" asks Iruka, wondering if her presence is the reason the entrance closed over.

Namiko blushes. "Oh...I just want to see the temple…"

"Well I'm headed that way," says Iruka, standing up. "Do you know the way to the center?"

"It's this way," Namiko says and runs down the huge, leafy corridor. Iruka follows her, nearly losing the little girl when she turns a corner suddenly.

Iruka sees the entrance to the temple proper up ahead as he catches up to Namiko. Iruka remembers his parents telling him about the a special feature the Temple of Dave has. The Temple of Steve is hidden under ground. The Temples of Jashin and Joe are surrounded by walls of fire. But when you enter the Temple of Dave one of two things happens. Dave is the shinigami of ice, that is, water and air. When an Uzumaki enters the temple, a great wind blows up. When an Umino enters, snow falls. If one of each enters, they are hit by a blizzard.

As Namiko and Iruka pass through the doorway, Iruka braces for impact.

Snow begins to fall, gently floating to the ground. Namiko runs forward and dances in excitement. "Snow!" she laughs. "That's what Nagato sensei said would happen!"

"You're Nagato's apprentice?" says Iruka, disbelievingly. "I thought you were a local kid."

Namiko's smile vanishes and she starts fishing around in her pocket. "I am not a local kid," she says, all seriousness. "I am a kunoichi of the Hidden Mist." She pulls a brimless newsboy hat out of her pocket and pulls it down onto her head. There is a strap hanging down on either side of her face, and she buckles it into place. Secured to the hat's band is a Hidden Mist forehead protector. "I am Namiko Terumi, and my mother is the Fifth Mizukage."

And in that moment Iruka realizes why Joe stopped calling him the Last Umino.


	160. Kiba is Right About Lord Third

Once Nagato has managed to excuse himself from hanging out with Naruto and friends, he heads back to the house where he is staying with his apprentice and her mother. Once inside, he bursts into the room the two girls are sharing and shakes them both awake. It is a pity he has to wake them up. They make such a cute pair all snuggled up together.

"Wake up!" he says urgently as the two ladies try to ignore him. "There is a team here from the Hidden Leaf, and they are after the Sacred Scroll! They just got permission to enter the temple! We need to get the scroll before they do!"

Mei Terumi gets it. She sits up and pokes her daughter in the cheek. "Come on, get up and get your gear on," she say. "And be quick about it."

"I'll be back," says Nagato, turning to leave. "I'll bring some breakfast." By the time he is back with breakfast, Mei and Namiko are nearly ready. Mei is brushing Namiko's hair while Namiko pulls her sandals on. Mei, of course, managed to be fully suited up and kitted out in the five minutes it took Nagato to find and bring back food. "I have food," says Nagato, holding up the bag of soup and pancakes.

"Good," says Mei. "How close are the other team to getting the scroll?"

"They are only just starting breakfast," says Nagato, who saw the rest of the Leaf ninjas and Arashi, plus two extras, in the breakfast bar. "We should have a few minutes."

The three of them get stuck into their breakfast. Namiko is last to finish, and while she is still chewing on her pancakes, Nagato goes to see how their enemies are doing. It seems strange to think of Arashi, Iruka and Naruto as enemies, but right now, that is what they are. Nagato has a world to save and he needs that scroll to do it. If they get in his way, Nagato will have to fight his friends.

The Leaf crew are getting close to finishing, but they, too, have a little girl with them. She is keeping up with the others a lot better than Naiko kept up with him and Mei, and Nagato estimates they will all be finished very soon. He heads back to his sidekick and her mum.

"We need to go or the Leaf guys will beat us to the scroll," says Nagato urgently.

"But I'm not finished!" complains Namiko.

Mei picks up her daughter, shoves the rest of the pancakes into her hands and jumps out the window. Nagato follows them, wondering how they will explain to the locals what they are doing.

"Is there a back door or something we can sneak around to?" Mei asks as the run to the great maze.

Nagato remembers hearing something about a back entrance from his parents. "Yes," he says. "Let's use that." They head into the forest and sneak through the trees and bushes, making their way around the back of the maze. Namiko is finishing the last mouthful of pancake as they reach the back entrance to the maze. Nagato wishes the kid would eat faster but, to be fair, she is only five.

"Right," says Nagato, once they reach the entrance. "Namiko and I will both go in to prevent any of the other team entering the maze. Namiko, when we arrive at the centre it will snow for you and blow a blizzard for me, so be prepared for that, okay?"

"Okay," Namiko nods firmly, a serious frown on her chubby little face.

"Good, let's go," says Nagato, turning towards the entrance.

A man in a mask appears before the entrance, accompanied by a swirl of leaves. "You are not going anywhere, Nagato," the masked man says. "I am here for the scroll and the rinnegan, and you will give me one of those things. The Leaf shinobi, who already walked into my trap, will bring me the other."

"You cannot have either," says Nagato, gathering chakra for an attack.

Mei puts Namiko down on the ground and starts weaving the hand signs for her lava style.

"Almighty Pull!" Nagato pulls the masked man to him and grabs him around the neck. Then he slams the masked man into the ground. The man vanishes in a puff of smoke. "A clone! Stay sharp, he's still out there!"

More clones appear, only to be instantly destroyed by Mei's lava style. Nagato inches closer to the maze. Mei, pushing Namiko along in front of her, heads for the maze. Another three clones of the masked man emerge from the trees and attack. Mei pushes Namiko into the maze.

"Almighty Push!" Nagato knocks down the three clones and makes a break for the maze. This masked man cannot have his rinnegan. The barrier throws Nagato back, sending him flying across the grass. Nagato lands on his feet, staring at the barrier. He grabs at the ground to slow himself down, and skids to a stop near the tree line. The masked man's clones attack Nagato from both sides. "Almighty Push!" Nagato dispels the clones easily.

And then a branch erupts from Nagato's chest, blood spurting out of the new wound. Nagato stares at the branch in disbelief. Where did it come from?

* * *

Hinata, Shino, Kiba, Akamaru, Shikamaru, Choji and Ino are hanging out in Yakiniku Q because their jounin senseis gave them the day off.

"We just did the Tora mission," Shikamaru is whining. "It was such a drag."

Hinata laughs. "Tora wouldn't escape if he didn't get squished every time he is home."

"Maybe someone's paying him to run away so they can send helpless genins on a horrible mission," suggests Choji.

"That would be just like Lord Third," sighs Kiba, poking at his piece of meat listlessly. "I wish we could have something exciting too."

"Speaking of exciting," says Hinata, angrily chewing on her own piece of meat. "Naruto and Neji are off on a super exciting mission with Shisui and Iruka sensei. I wanted to go, but Kurenai sensei said no."

"Lucky sods," Kiba growls, feeding Akamaru some meat. "Why do all the interesting things happen around Naruto?"

"Because Naruto is a trouble magnet," says Shino, adjusting his glasses. "Did you hear that Sasuke will be released from hospital soon?"

"Nope," says Kiba. "Because unlike you, Shino, I don't have a MASSIVE CRUSH on Sasuke!" He points at Shino with his chopsticks as he says 'massive crush'.

"OOOH!" Ino's eyes light up as she zeros down on Shino. "You have a crush on Sasuke! Since when?" Then Ino turns serious while Shino turns red. "You do realize childhood friend equals friendzoned, right?" Ino asks, urgently. "Oh, you poor thing!"

"I think Sasuke and Shino would be cute together," says Choji, shovelling down some slices of pork.

"Hello, children!" Jiraiya appears at the end of their booth with Kimiko half-hiding behind his legs.

"Oh, hi Jiraiya," says Hinata, gobbling down some meat before anyone else can get it. "What's up, Kimiko?"

Kimiko gives a tiny wave and about three-quarters of a smile.

"I haven't met all of these kids before," says Jiraya, peering around at the little gathering.

"Oh, these two are my teammates, Kiba and Shino," Hinata tells him. "And these three are Ino, Shikamaru and Choji. We all have the day off."

"That's probably because our senseis are on a romantic date together," says Ino, grinning.

"Definitely," agrees Shikamaru.

"Kurenai sensei and Asuma sensei don't think we know about them," grins Kiba. But it's sooooo obvious. Kinda like Shino's crush on Sasuke!"

"Oh, young love is in their air!" crows Jiraiya, grinning and squishing himself onto the seat beside Hinata. He lifts Kimiko onto his lap. She looks a lot younger than eight next to Jiraiya. "Have you all met my kid, Kimiko?"

"Nope!" says Kiba, accompanied by a bark from Akamaru.

"Hey kid!" grins Ino, pushing some meat in Kimiko's direction.

"Speaking of young love, though," says Shikamaru, thoughtfully. "Isn't it more likely that Naruto and Sasuke will be a thing? I mean, as Ino said, childhood friend equals friendzoned, so sorry Hinata, you're out of luck. But everyone knows that if a girl and a boy fight a lot as kids they will be much more likely to fall in love when they are older."

Hinata's blood freezes in her veins. Naruto and Sasuke…? Naruto did go on a road trip just to save Sasuke… And they do argue a lot...No. No no no no! Hinata doesn't want to believe it.

"Aw, come on!" says Jiraiya. "Sometimes the rules don't apply!" he slaps Hinata on the back. "Don't look so down! The rules hardly ever apply to Uzumakis, after all! I mean, Minato married the girl he stalked, and she was an Uzumaki! Maybe you should try stalking Naruto!"

Hinata is not convinced.

The door to Yakiniku Q bangs open and Lady Tsunade marches in followed closely by Madoka, who looks as if he got run over by a train. "I'm gonna need a round of all you can eat and a bottle of sake!" Lady Tsunade orders, pushing Madoka in front of her to find a table.

As they pass Hinata and co's table, Kiba calls out, "Hey pinky, if your hair gets any longer, people will start thinking you're a girl!"

Madoka punches Kiba through the wall yelling, "SHANNAROOO!"

Hinata, Shino, Jiraiya, Kimiko and Team ten all stare at the Kiba and Akamaru shaped hole in the wall.

"My apprentice is coming along nicely," says Lady Tsunade, grinning triumphantly.


	161. Breakfast Time Shenanigans

It is all useless. All Naruto and Pantsu's attacks are brushed aside by Zetsu. Even Burifu's little chakra chain did nothing. Now all three of them are trapped, held down by branches that sprung up out of the ground. Neji and Shisui are caught in different branches, limp and pale.

Arashi is the only one Zetsu has no interest in. Although, to be completely honest, Arashi is the only one who has not yet tried to attack Zetsu. He is also the only one who is not combat trained, so the only one who is not a threat. But Arashi does not want to do nothing. So he picks up a rock from the ground and throws it at Zetsu. The rock hits Zetsu in the head.

Zetsu turns a withering glare on Arashi.

"My bad," apologises Arashi, holding up his hands in surrender.

Zetsu goes back to squeezing the life out of Shisui, Neji, Naruto, Burifu and Pantsu. Realizing his best bet is to go for help, Arashi starts to back away. Instantly, a branch shoots out of the ground and wraps around Arashi's legs. Zetsu turns another withering glare on Arashi.

"Sorry!" Arashi holds up his hands again. Okay, is there anything he can do that will help in any way at all? Well, when all else fails, there's nothing like yelling for help. Arashi takes a deep breath and yells, "HELP!"

Immediately, a branch wraps around Arashi's mouth, and Zetsu shoots Arashi another withering glare.

Unable to speak, Arashi just holds his hands up in defeat.

Zetsu rolls his eyes and turns his attention back on the actual threats.

And then the branches wrapped around Arashi loosen their grip on him ever so slightly. Zetsu's head whips around, his attention zeroed in on Arashi.

"What are you doing, human?" Zetsu demands as the branches slowly shrink away from Arashi.

"Nothing, I swear!" says Arashi, who wants to know what is going on just as much as his enemy.

A strange energy fills the air. The branches holding the others begin to shake as a rival force tries to pull the branches away.

"Ninshuu!" snarls Zetsu, turning his attention away from Arashi, and glaring at the treeline. "Show yourselves!"

"Yay!" says Arashi, as Sei Myoujina steps out of the trees. Standing in a long line on either side of him are nine others, all wearing the same uniform as Sei.

Five men, five women. All in black and red, with the bottoms of their robes divided into nine sections. Kurama's Guards.

In unison, the ten start making motions that resemble dancing. Energy glows from their entire bodies. Arashi stares in wonder as Zetsu's branches wither and crumble to ash. "We are Kurama's Guards," the Guards say. "If you seek to harm him or his jinchuuriki, you must first kill all of us."

"We took great pains to keep the Guards from their Tailed Beasts," says Zetsu. "We did not think you would ever find them. We will be back, next time with reinforcements. You pesky guards must all die." The ground shakes as Zetsu sinks into the earth.

The Guards are quick to act, heading straight for Neji, Shisui, Burifu, Pantsu and Naruto. Arashi makes a beeline for Naruto, going as fast as his old legs can carry him. The Guards are already healing the ninjas by the time Arashi reaches Naruto.

Sei is busy surveying the area. He turns to Arashi and asks, "Where is the other one? Iruka, I think his name is?" Sei asks.

"He's inside the maze," says Arashi. "He's-"

"WHERE DID THAT PLANT MONSTER GO, DATTEBAYO?" Naruto yells, leaping to his feet the instant he regains consciousness. Then he sees Sei. "Oh, it's you. Hi." Naruto pulls his I-am-only-speaking-to-you-because-I-was-told-to face, crossing his arms unhappily and says, through gritted teeth. "Kurama says 'hi'."

Arashi wonders why Naruto is being unfriendly, then it hits him, and he starts to laugh.

"What's so funny, tebayo?" Naruto demands, still pulling a face.

"You're jealous!" laughs Arashi. "You're jealous because Mr. Kurama likes them more than he likes you!"

Naruto turns away and stomps off in the direction of the maze's back door. "I am not JEALOUS!" Naruto growls over his shoulder.

"He's definitely jealous," says one of Kurama's Guards. "That's adorable." She grins and turns her attention back to reviving Shisui, who seems to be the worst off.

* * *

Namiko bites the inside of her cheek to stop herself from trembling. She has to get the scroll, the fate of the world depends on it! But this Leaf shinobi is so much stronger than her! He might even be stronger than Nagato sensei! How can she, a five year old genin, fight this guy?

Who is he, anyway?

And why is he staring at her like that?!

He's looking at her with this stupidly happy expression on his face, and it's making Namiko nervous.

Namiko pulls out her metal fans, the weapons she fights with, and holds them at her sides, ready to fight. "I can't let you take the scroll!" Namiko tells her enemy, trying not to cry in fear.

"Alright, you can take it," says the Leaf ninja, smiling happily at Namiko.

Namiko was not expecting that. Nope, not at all. "What?"

"You can have the scroll," says the Leaf shinobi, walking up to her, turning her around and gently pushing her towards the pedestal on which a scroll rests. "That's it right there. Go ahead and get it."

Namiko looks up at the weird Leaf ninja and takes a step towards the scroll.

"That's right, go get the scroll," Namiko's enemy says, grinning widely. But his eyes stay open while he grins, which makes him look like he is about to prank someone.

That someone is probably Namiko. Pranks don't scare Namiko! Namiko scares other people with pranks! Namiko marches up to that pedestal and tries to take the scroll.

She can't reach. She tries jumping, but still cannot reach.

Namiko turns and glares at the Leaf Shinobi. "You meanie!" she says, sticking out her bottom lip. "You knew it was too high for me, didn't you!"

The Leaf ninja walks up to Namiko and grabs her under the arms, lifting her up high enough to reach the scroll. "There you go, now you can reach it."

Feeling safe for some bizarre reason, Namiko takes the scroll. Immediately, the Leaf ninja pulls Namiko into his arms and holds her tightly. "Let me go!" Namiko shouts, struggling as she realises she just let her guard down around an enemy.

"Nope," says the Leaf Ninja. "You let yourself get captured. Now you have to come with me."

Namiko struggles and bites and scratches, but the Leaf ninja doesn't bat an eye.

"You know," he says conversationally. "Back in the Hidden Leaf, I teach at the Academy. You would not believe how hard some kids will kick and bite when I drag their butts back to class."

"My Mummy will whoop your arse!" says Namiko, in what she hopes is a threatening tone of voice.

"She already did," says the Leaf Ninja. "We were great rivals once - before I became a teacher." The Leaf Ninja heads back into the maze, talking the whole way. "You know, you remind me of me when I was little. I was a chubby little ratbag too. In fact, I was so baby faced, I looked twelve until I was sixteen."

Namiko rolls her eyes and decides to bide her time until they get out of the maze. Her mummy will defeat this weirdo easily, and Nagato sensei will get the scroll. Then Namiko will never have to listen to this Leaf ninja talk non stop ever again.

* * *

"Hey, Sasuke!" Tenten says cheerfully, as she enters Sasuke's hospital room. "Lee was complaining about how bad hospital food is," Tenten says, walking up to Sasuke's bed and placing a bento box on Sasuke's lap. "So I brought you some bento."

Sasuke did not think she had so many friends until she got stuck in hospital and all the kids she took the chunin exams with started swinging by at weird times with gifts. "Oh...um...thanks," Sasuke mutters, blushing.

"Are you a ninja?" asks one of the other girls in Sasuke's hospital room.

Sasuke opens the bento and digs in. This is some good bento.

"Yes I am," says Tenten. "I am learning fuuinjutsu."

"Let's see some," challenges one of the other girls.

"Can I borrow that?" asks Tenten, pointing to Sasuke's lunch. Sasuke holds out the lunch after taking another mouthful of rice ball. "Thanks." Tenten places the lunch on Sasuke's bedside table then goes over to the other side of the room. "I'm trying to develop a seal that will transport objects over distances for my Advanced test," Tenten explains. "Let's see if I can get Sasuke's lunch to come to me."

"This better not damage my food," says Sasuke, swallowing her riceball.

"If it does I'll make you some more," promises Tenten. Then Tenten pulls out a scroll and starts drawing a seal on it. Tenten activates the seal with two fingers on the seal and the other hand up in a half ram seal. She has the brush between her teeth and a smear of inc on her face.

 _Poof!_ A cloud of smoke conceals Sasuke's bedside table, and when it clears her lunch is still there.

And so is a large brown bottle labeled "L&P: Good Lemony Stuff" and a bowl of tomato soup.

"That's not right," mutters Tenten, heading over to inspect what she summoned. "I'll try and send it back," she says, and starts drawing a new seal.

 _Poof!_ Sasuke's bento vanishes, leaving the soup and drink behind.

"Oh, no!" Tenten stares at the bowl of soup in disbelief. "I'll try and get your bento back, Sasuke."

"Don't worry," says Sasuke, taking the bowl of soup, complete with spoon. "I'll just eat the soup. It smells good."

"What about the drink?" asks Tenten, picking up the bottle and opening it. "It's half full." She sniffs it. "I think it's a fizzy drink."

"Get some cups," says Sasuke, feeling generous. The soup is so good it is making her feel good. "We'll all share it."


	162. Enemies or Allies?

"NAGATO!" Mei screams as her ally is stabbed through the chest by a branch.

Nagato falls to the ground, a pool of blood spreading across the grass underneath him. The masked man bears down on him, but Mei intervenes with a water style tidal wave. Mei's wave pushes the masked man away from Nagato, but does not seem to have much effect otherwise.

The clones are gone, and the masked man himself is the one who attacked Nagato.

"Who are you?" Mei demands, weaving the horse hand sign. "Boil Release: Skilled Mist jutsu." Mei breathes out a spray of acidic steam, aiming right for the masked man.

The masked man leaps into the air, above the acid mist.

A moment later, an orange blur rockets overhead, aimed straight at the masked man. The masked man is sent flying backwards as a blonde Leaf chunin dressed mostly in orange headbutts him in the gut.

"HOW DARE YOU ATTACK NAGATO-NIISAN!" the orange kid yells. "I'll KILL you, not-Rain, dattebayo!"

"You again!" the masked man growls, as he lands in a bush. "Zetsu was supposed to take care of you lot!"

"Zetsu didn't know about us," says an ordinary looking man in a red and black outfit. The man, and ten others dressed just like him, are walking towards Mei and Nagato from around the other side of the maze. There are two other Leaf ninjas, two old men and a little girl with them.

"Who are you?" the masked man demands.

"We are Kurama's Guards," says the man.

"Are you the leader of your group?" the masked man demands, freeing himself from the bush he landed in.

"Oh no," says the man, smoothly. "The Nine Tailed Fox is the leader of our group. We are his Guards, after all. I've just been appointed the spokesperson so no one else needs to be named."

"What do you mean, so no one else has to be named?" asks one of the old men standing behind the Guards. "You all introduced yourselves just now."

"Never mind, I'm just breaking the fourth wall," says the Guard dismissively. "It's not important." The guard walks up to Nagato, kneels down beside him and his hands on the giant puncture wound in Nagato's chest.

"What are you doing?" asks Mei, suspiciously.

"Oh, just being a plot ex-machina," says the Guard, and his hands start to glow with a strange energy. Nagato's wound begins to close slowly.

"A what?" asks the orange chunin, floating down and hovering beside Nagato.

"It means I'm fixing all the problems at the last second," says the Guard. "Now shouldn't you do something about that masked man?"

"I will retreat and meet you again another time," says the masked man, vanishing in a swirl of Leaves.

"Aw, I wanted to kick his butt again," complains the Orange Chunin.

"I am sure we will see him again, Naruto," says one of the other Leaf ninjas. This one seems familiar somehow...Shunshin Shisui. Mei has seen him in her bingo book.

The orange kid, whose name is apparently Naruto, sighs in longing and then turns his attention on Mei. "Hello," he says, bowing politely to her. "I am Naruto Uzumaki. What is your name, 'tebayo?"

"I am Mei Terumi, Fifth Mizukage of the Village Hidden in the Mist," says Mei, inclining her head ever so gracefully.

"Ooooh!" The younger of the two old men grins at Mei. "Now I understand."

"What do you understand, Grandpa?" asks Naruto, looking a bit confused.

The kid's grandpa walks up to Mei and says, "I am Arashi Namikaze. I believe you've met my adopted son, Iruka Umino?"

"Yes...I have…" Mei blushes as she remembers what happened last time they met. Damn was Iruka ripped. If only they weren't enemies…

"Oh so you're the Mist ninja Iruka-nii likes!" Naruto crosses his arms and nods importantly. "You know, you're the reason he's still single."

Mei is not sure how to feel about the fact that her crush still likes her. Dammit, maybe it's not as one-sided as she thought! Maybe they will get married and-

Oh, that's right, they are enemies. S***.

"You know, you're in luck," says Arashi, still grinning. "Iruka is here with us on this mission. He's actually in the maze right now getting the scroll, which I understand you are after?"

"Yes, we are after it," says Nagato, lifting his head off the grass. "We need it for something important."

"Well so do we," says Naruto. "So we won't let you have it, 'tebayo!"

"Hey, I have the scroll," says a voice Mei didn't think she would hear again in a hurry. She turns to see Iruka walking through the entrance to the maze. He is holding Namiko in his arms, and she has a scroll gripped tightly in both hands. "Unfortunately, this kid also has the scroll." Iruka sees Mei, and he smiles brightly. "I think she's mine, care to confirm, Mei-senpai?"

"Uh...yes." Mei nods as she realizes that she is Iruka's sempai-crush.

"What?" says Namiko, looking from Iruka to Mei and back. "Mummy?"

"Sweetie, that man is your Daddy," says Mei, feeling a little lightheaded.

"OOOH!" Arashi makes a beeline for Iruka and Namiko. "Is this my granddaughter?" He takes Namiko off Iruka. "Come here, Grandpa wants a cuddle!"

While Arashi is squishing his cheek against Namiko's and squeezing the stuffing out of her in affection, Iruka casually takes the Sacred Scroll out of Namiko's hands. That cunning little bastard! He got Mei to admit the kid was his so that his father would come and cuddle her, giving Iruka the opportunity to take the scroll!

"Hand over the scroll!" says Mei, getting into attack position.

"I feel like we've been here before," says Iruka smoothly. "I have a feeling this time will go a bit differently because of the presence of other people."

Mei knows she is blushing. What she wants to know is how Iruka isn't blushing. "We need that scroll, Iruka," she says. "Hand it over."

"Tell me what you need it for," says Iruka. "This is a sacred relic of my people."

"We cannot tell you," says Nagato, sitting up, his injury healed now. "We do not want to involve anyone else."

"Tell me, Nagato," insists Iruka. "What do you need this scroll for?"

"No," Nagato refuses.

"Do I have to pull rank?" asks Iruka, with mildly threatening undertones.

"I identify with the Uzumaki Clan," says Nagato, standing.

"Is that why you're such a s*** teacher?" asks Iruka.

Mei's eyes widen. Nagato is not a bad teacher, but he is sensitive about his lack of experience.

"Unlike you, I wasn't professionally trained!" snaps Nagato, crossing his arms.

Iruka holds up the camouflage seal that Namiko was trying to learn how to use. "This right here is proof you need some training," says Iruka. "What kind of teacher nearly makes their student glow accidently?" Iruka shakes his head in disappointment. "No, you need help. Oh, and did you know that in the Hidden Whirlpool, the better teachers outranked the ones of lesser skill simply by being better? So clan differences aside, I still outrank you. Twice."

"Twice?" Nagato frowns in confusion. "I am the leader of a village."

Iruka looks around as if he is searching for something. "Nope, can't find a single damn to give."

"Nagato," says Naruto patiently. "Iruka-nii already out-badassed you twice this morning, just tell us why you need the scroll. I don't wanna have to kick your butt too."

"You still need years of training before you could beat me in a fight," says Nagato, frowning at Naruto. "But fine, I'll tell you - before you decide to bring the Queen into this. The Scroll from the Temple of Joe and the Scroll from the Temple of Dave each have half a jutsu in them. The jutsu is a method by which you can seal away Zetsu forever. The jutsu has never actually been tested, but it is our only hope to defeat Zetsu for good at the moment. I wanted the scroll from the temple of Joe for the special seal recorded inside it, but then when I read it I discovered a way to beat Zetsu. And I found out why Zetsu wants to unite all the Tailed Beasts and seal them into the husk of the Ten Tails, then cast the Infinite Tsukuyomi over the whole world. The Scroll from the Temple of Joe said that when the Ten Tails is revived and the world cast under the Infinite Tsukuyomi, Kaguya will return."

"You're an idiot," says Naruto, surprising everyone.

"Excuse me?" says Nagato, an expression of disbelief on his face.

"You're an idiot," Naruto repeats. "If you'd told us about all this when you were in the Hidden Leaf, we could have helped you. Mr. Nice Hokage wants that scroll because it has Lord Seconds notes about the sharingan in it - we found that out from Lord Second's reanimation. When we were fighting Zetsu just now, he said he messed with the Uchiha clan's sacred stone tablet, and the real words the tablet is supposed to say are in that scroll. I'll bet that has something to do with this Kagua person."

"I remember seeing her name on the Uchiha Tablet," says Shisui, nodding. "It would be bad if she returned. You are an even bigger idiot than me, and I have this blue mustache to prove how stupid I am."

The blue mustache is the reason it took Mei a few seconds to realize who Shisui is. "But the Leaf and the Mist are enemies," says Mei. "And the Mist is helping Akatsuki defeat Zetsu."

"Then we'll just talk to Mr. Nice Hokage about becoming allies," says Naruto, nodding reasonably. "He'll be cool with it. He's nice, 'tebayo."

"We can't just go with you to the Hidden Leaf," says Mei, sighing because she wishes it was that simple.

"Then we'll just have to take all three of you prisoner," says Iruka, matter-of-factly.


	163. Why is the Sky Blue?

Naruto is not really surprised. It makes perfect sense to take Nagato, Mei and Namiko prisoner, or at least, pretend to. Naruto is sure that is what Iruka really means to do.

"But if you're my Daddy, then why do you want to take us prisoner?" demands Namiko, trying to free herself from Naruto's Grandpa, with no success. "That makes no sense!"

"You are already our prisoner," says Iruka. "Remember?"

Naruto's Grandpa cuddles the struggling Namiko tighter.

Then Naruto's brain catches up to the other thing that is being said. "Wait!" says Naruto. "Iruka-nii, she's your kid, 'tebayo?"

"That is correct," says Iruka-nii.

"OH MY GOODNESS!" Naruto snatches Namiko off his Grandpa. THEIR Grandpa. "I HAVE A COUSIN! Or neice…" Naruto is suddenly very confused. "Iruka-nii, is she my cousin or my niece?"

"Your cousin," says Iruka-nii. "Now don't let her escape."

Namiko bites Naruto hard on the arm.

"Ow!" Naruto exclaims, but does not let Namiko go. "Stop struggling!" says Naruto as Namiko tries to punch Naruto in the jaw. "We're only pretending to take you prisoner! For show! It's not for real, it's just pretend so that you can all come to our village and talk to the Hokage!"

"Ah, I thought so," says the Mizukage, nodding. "And we will play along - NAGATO - so long as it is only pretend."

"Can I have her back?" asks Naruto's Grandpa, pointing to Namiko, who has momentarily stopped struggling.

"No!" Naruto says, pulling Namiko away from Arashi. "You already had a cuddle! It's my turn now, 'tebayo!"

"I AM NOT A BABY!" Namiko shouts, finally breaking free of Naruto and running over to her Mum.

"Yoink," says Iruka-nii as he grabs Namiko on her way past him. Namiko kicks at the air with her chubby little legs, but cannot stop herself from being tucked under Iruka's arm. "Come on, then." He turns and starts heading back towards Gravity Fails.

"Aw, but I want to see the temple!" whines Burifu.

"Come on then!" Naruto grabs Burifu's hand and drags her into the maze. "We'll meet you at the other end!" he calls over his shoulder.

* * *

Mei smiles at her daughter, who does not look happy about being passed around her Dad's family members. Namiko is sitting grumpily on her Dad's hip and scowling unhappily at him. Then she sees Mei smiling at her. "Mummy!" Namiko whines. "Make him put me down!" there are tears in Namiko's eyes.

Mei realizes that from Namiko's point of view, Iruka is her enemy. "It's alright," Mei says reassuringly. "He won't hurt you. You're his daughter."

"That's right," says Iruka, smiling at Namiko. "I wouldn't hurt you even if you weren't my kid."

Mei frowns at that. "What do you mean?" she asks.

"Iruka would never hurt a kid," says Arashi, grinning and walking up beside Mei. "It's very sweet, but it turned out to be a negative thing on some of his missions."

"I don't really go on actual missions any more," says Iruka, blushing. "Because if I have to fight a child, I just can't. It wasn't a problem when I was a kid, but now…"

Mei catches on to what they are really saying. "Are you saying that you were taken off active duty after a child beat your ass because you will not hurt children?"

"Yes," says Iruka, blushing. "It wasn't a problem when I was a kid myself…"

Mei is pretty sure there is a choir singing somewhere nearby. She NEEDS to marry this man. All her life, her dream was to get married, and now she knows who her husband needs to be: Iruka Umino. "The perfect man does exist…" Mei says, holding her hands to her cheeks and blushing.

"You can have him," Arashi whispers in Mei's ear. "It's about time he got married!"

"Oh…" Mei stops walking to blush some more. "I even have his father's approval!"

"Why is Mummy acting funny?" asks Namiko, curiously.

"Because she's in love," says Shisui. "People act funny when they are in love."

"Why do you have a blue mustache?" asks Namiko, as the group proceeds to the main entrance to the maze.

"Because my girlfriend's dad is mad at me," says Shisui, blushing. "She's having a baby."

Mei laughs. "So he gave you a blue mustache?"

"He also tried to kill and castrate me several times," admits Shisui, trying to look innocent.

Mei laughs. Then she sidles up to Iruka and walks beside him for the rest of the way to the main entrance to the maze.

They wait for a few minutes before the little red haired girl in tie-dyed clothes and Naruto emerge from the maze. "It was windy in there!" Naruto says, grinning, holds out a camera to Arashi. "I took the pictures for you, Grandpa."

"Hey, Bro?" says the little red head, running up to Iruka.

"Yes, Burifu?" says Iruka.

"Why is the sky blue?"

"Because of complicated sciency stuff."

Burifu pulls a face. "I don't like compikated skience." She crosses her arms and tosses her head. "Tell me a fun reason!"

Mei can almost _see_ Iruka think fast. She is interested to see what he will come up with.

"Well," says Iruka, smoothly. "In the old days, the sky used to be boring grey. It had no colour at all. But the ocean had so much blue, that it thought it should share some with the sky. So one day, the ocean threw up some of its blue water to the sky in clouds. The clouds gave all the blue in them to the sky, making them turn all puffy and white. The sky turned blue, and it was so happy that it cried tears of joy, making the first rain. But the ocean was sad because it thought the sky was crying out of sadness at being blue. So the sun shone on the rain drops, making them turn into a rainbow so the ocean would know the sky was grateful for the gift of colour. And now, whenever the ocean can see that the sky's colour is beginning to fade, it throws up some clouds to turn the sky blue again."

Burifu nods thoughtfully, chewing over that explanation. Finally, she says, "I like that reason. I shall tell it to my children, and grandchildren, and great grandchildren, and great great grandchildren."

"I like it too," says Naruto, nodding. "I shall tell it to my children, 'tebayo!"

"Thanks, Iruka, dude," says the really old man dressed in tie dyed clothes. "Now Burifu will tell everyone that reason and it will become the Order of Steve's official explanation for why the sky is blue."

Mei eyes up Iruka, trying to figure out where he hid the sacred scroll. If she can get the scroll and Namiko back, then she will be able to escape. Nagato can take care of himself. Despite the assurances that the Leaf shinobi are only pretending to take Mei, Nagato and Namiko prisoner, Mei has studied enough history to be cautious of those promises.

Iruka sees her looking at him and says, "You can't have the scroll. We have permission to take it back to our village, so if you want it, you need to make an alliance with the Leaf and study it in the Leaf."

"Gurunku will not let the scroll past the barrier if someone has it without his permission," adds the old hippie. "The old dude knows everything that goes on in this place, eh."

"That I do," says Gurunku himself, appearing seemingly out of nowhere. "I invented a seal that will tell me if an ant so much as breathes within a certain area. Nothing happens in Gravity Fails that I do not know about."

"Oh, that's the seal Iruka sensei uses to monitor his house!" says the Hyuuga boy. Mei really needs to learn their names.

"Oh, do you use my seal?" says Gurunku, smiling at Iruka.

"Yes I do," says Iruka. "I have to keep Naruto safe."

"WOW!" Naruto stares up at Gurunku with big, sparkly eyes. "You're an awesome seal master!"

"Yes, yes I am," says Gurunku, nodding. "And if you study hard, I am sure you will be a master too."

"Oh, I'm already a Master," says Naruto. "I became a master, like, a few weeks back when we were at the Temple of Jashin. I just have to get the awesome part down."

"Well done, boy!" says Gurunku, slapping Naruto on the back. "Your handler must be something else!"

"Iruka-nii is the s***," says Naruto.

"Naruto, language!" Iruka and Arashi say in unison.

"Sorry, but Iruka-nii IS totally awesome, dattebayo!"


	164. Nagato: the World's Most Powerful Moron

Peanut is back on Fugaku's shoulder, but Fugaku does not mind the little kitty now. Fugaku is neck deep in paperwork that revolves around changing certain academy policies. The short version is that Iruka wants the graduation test to be more well-rounded, and expects change by the beginning of the next academy year. The long version is a crap ton of paperwork.

Fugaku is currently drawing up a proposal to put to the council on the matter. The proposal is based on Iruka's ideas, with some input from Fugaku himself.

A knock on Fugaku's door interrupts his train of thought. "Enter!" Fugaku calls.

One of the messenger hawk handlers enters with a scroll in her hands. "I have a message from Team Iruka, sir!" the woman reports.

"Thank you," says Fugaku, and points to a spot on his desk. "Leave it there." The messenger hawk handler places the scroll on Fugaku's desk and leaves with a bow. Fugaku finishes his sentence and picks up the scroll.

Team Iruka is coming back to the Leaf with three prisoners. They are due to arrive in only a few hours. Fugaku stands. "Well, Peanut," he says. "It looks like I'll need to get my Hokage hat on." Fugaku picks the Hat up off his desk and puts it on. Then he heads out to gather some ANBU and Jiraiya.

The fact that Nagato is one of the prisoners and the Mizukage is another worries Fugaku. What happened on that mission? And just how slow is Sparky at flying, because it takes a couple of days at least to get from the Land of Eddies to the Hidden Leaf, and the darn bird arrived a few hours before Team Iruka is due to arrive back in the Leaf! Fugaku realizes he is assuming that Team Iruka sent Sparky with the message. That is the only thing the phoenix seems to be good for, but that is no guarantee that he is actually the one who brought the message back.

Ah well, it does not matter. Fugaku gathers a team of ANBU and Jiraiya, briefs them on the situation and heads down to the gates to wait for Team Iruka.

The waiting goes on for so long that one of the ANBU pulls out some string and starts playing with Peanut, who tagged along on Fugaku's shoulder. Jiraiya starts flirting with the female ANBU, who join forces to pull his leg.

"Girl, you look badass in that armour," Jiraiya says to one, winking suggestively.

"There is nothing bad about my ass," the ANBU replies, her voice devoid of emotion.

"Damn right!" agrees Jiraiya, sidling up to the ANBU. "You've got a hot ass."

"She has a boyfriend," says the other female ANBU. "I however, do not."

"You're just jealous the famous porn writer isn't flirting with you," says the first ANBU lady.

"Ladies!" says Jiraiya, putting an arm around each ANBU. "The famous Lord Jiraiya can handle two women at once!"

"Is that all you can handle?" asks the second ANBU. "Because I'm sure my girlfriend would be down for a foursome, and I'm pretty sure Cat's boyfriend will gatecrash to get her back."

"Woah!" says Jiraiya, pretending to be horrified. "No one mentioned sex! I was just flirting to pass the time!"

"Oh, is that all?" says the first ANBU lady, turning away and tossing her hair. "Well I'm sorry, I thought you only flirted with women you want to f-"

"Here they come," interrupts Fugaku, glad he had a reason to distract them from that conversation. The Anbu stand to attention instantly, Peanut leaps back onto Fugaku's shoulder and Jiraiya squares up to look intimidating.

Fugaku crosses his arms and puts on his best resting angry face. He can see Team Iruka coming up the road towards the village gates, complete with about five extras: three adults and two young children. Iruka is carry the smaller child and Shisui, complete with his new mustache, is carrying the older child piggy-back.

"Yo, Pervy Sage!" calls Naruto, waving enthusiastically. "I'm a master of fuuinjutsu now!"

Jiraiya pales a bit, but Fugaku nods, feeling like his village is a bit safer now that Naruto is a bit stronger.

Once they are closer to the gates, Team Iruka is joined by ten people in matching red uniforms, a unicorn and two phoenixes. All of the extras appear out of the trees and then form a ring around team Iruka.

"Who are all of these people, and why did you not mention them in your message?" asks Fugaku sternly.

"Oooh, sorry," says Naruto, scratching the back of his head in embarrassment. "We mentioned them in the first message, but I accidently dropped that in some mud, so we had to write a new one. Then Burifu ate it because the ink looked tasty, so we had to write another new one, and Iruka nii had to send it off half finished because otherwise Gramps Pants would have smoked it."

Fugaku blinks a couple of times in surprise. Surprise at the fact this does not surprise him, that is. "Naruto," he says patiently. "Who are Pants and Burifu?"

"This is Burifu," says Naruto, pointing to the girl Shisui is carrying.

"Hi, dude!" says the kid, grinning and waving at Fugaku. "That mustache is the s***."

"Thank you," says Fugaku, stroking his mustache. "I owe my wife a favour for letting me grow it, though."

"This is Pantsu," says Naruto, pointing to the ancient man standing beside Arashi. "He's the Leader of the Order of Steve, and he's Burifu's Great-great grandpa, and also Granny Tsunade's Great Uncle, and my Great-something Uncle. I can't remember if it is one or two greats, 'tebayo."

"Hey, dude," says Pantsu. "I may or may not be responsible for Tsunade's drinking problem, eh."

"She's more fun when she's drunk!" says Jiraiya, grinning widely.

"Please don't pass on your bad habits to your highly impressionable child," says Arashi, face palming.

"Who are all of these people?" asks Fugaku, gesturing around at the ten people in red uniforms.

"They are Mr. Nine Tails' bodyguards," says Naruto. "Sei is the one who does all the talking - that's Sei there - because of something about a fourth wall and too many names, 'tebayo."

"Right," says Fugaku, deducing that the woman in the off-the-shoulder dress and the little girl Iruka is carrying are the other two prisoners. "Now Nagato, what's the deal, man? We were rinnegan buddies."

Nagato looks guilty. "We need the Sacred Scroll from the Temple of Dave, though. But Iruka won't let us have it."

"Sacred relic of my people, remember?" says Iruka.

"I am your people, though!" whines Nagato. Obviously this is not the first time this exact conversation has happened.

"Let's take this to my office," says Fugaku, stopping the conversation from continuing into an argument about rank.

* * *

Once Nagato has finished explaining what Akatsuki needs the Sacred Scrolls for, everyone in the Hokage's office waits in silence for the Hokage's response. Mei is nervous, wondering what will happen next. The thing she is most worried about is the possibility that the Leaf will decide to take Namiko by invoking the treaty between the Leaf and Whirlpool.

Finally, the Hokage says, "How do you know you will be able to use this jutsu?"

"We don't really," admits Nagato, nervously. "But it is the only hope we have to stop Zetsu from reviving Kaguya. We know from Joe's Sacred Scroll that we need two people from a particular line. Dave's scroll should say who those two need to be. We think that, since they are scrolls from the Whirlpool, that we will need an Umino and an Uzumaki."

"And where were you planning on getting an Uzumaki?" asks the Hokage.

"That would be me," says Nagato, nodding.

"I thought you would be the one from the Umino bloodline," says Lord Fugaku, resting his chin on his hands, his purple eyes boring into Nagato like he can see into his very soul. "If not, you would need our help. Unless, of course," he looks right at Namiko. "There is another Umino besides Iruka."

Mei moves closer to her daughter, who is sitting on Iruka's hip again. "What are you implying?" Mei asks.

"That that child is Iruka's child," says Lord Fugaku. "They are astonishingly alike. But how could that be?" Lord Fugaku pretends to be amazed by the possibility.

"Remember that mission I went on with Itachi?" says Iruka, grinning nervously and blushing. "The one where I was supposed to get the Sacred Scroll from the Temple of Joe?"

"I do indeed," says Lord Fugaku. "Itachi came back from that mission with a new best friend."

"Can we just skip to the part where I had Iruka's baby as a result of that mission?" says Mei, not wanting them to get too deep into what went down. There are children present, after all.

"And since you were already allied with Akatsuki, that meant they had both bloodlines they might need," finishes Fugaku. "And am I right in assuming that the child is Nagato's apprentice, whom I have heard rumors about?"

"Yes," says Nagato, sighing. "How did you guess so easily? It's not that obvious that Namiko is Iruka's kid, is it?"

"I knew Iruka when he was knee-high," says Jiraiya, surprising Mei. "It was the Sanin who arrived at the destruction of the Whirlpool first, after all. He looked just like this kid." Jiraiya pokes Namiko's cheek. "But a boy and brown haired. And he had a giant gash across his face too."

"Speaking of the Hidden Whirlpool," says Arashi, excitedly. "I found out who destroyed it! It was Sasori of the Red Sand! Apparently I also killed him accidentally…"

"Good," says Lord Fugaku, nodding once. "I expect a full report on the mission, and a comprehensive report on your findings, Arashi. Now, I have some paperwork to finish, so all of you need to go and get some rest. But first: the scrolls, if you don't mind."

"Scrolls?" says Iruka, sounding a bit confused. "We only brought you one scroll." He juggles Namiko so he is holding her with one arm, pulls out the Sacred Scroll from the Temple of Dave and places it on the Hokage's Desk.

The Hokage looks up at Namiko and says, "I need your scroll as well, child."


	165. Think of the Crazy and it Shall Appear

How does Fugaku know Namiko has a scroll?

That is the question that Iruka wants to know that answer to. Either Fugaku noticed something Iruka did not, or Lord Fugaku is making assumptions and hoping he is right.

But then Namiko pulls on the silver cord around her neck, lifting up the little scroll pendant she is wearing. She slips it over her head and hands the pendant to Fugaku.

"Thank you," says Fugaku. "Now, how do you remove this seal?" he swings the pendant and looks pointedly at Nagato.

"I will do it, eh," says Pantsu, stepping forward. "I know you Uchihas are no good at fuuinjutsu. Except for Madara, but he was the best at everything, eh." Pantsu takes the pendant, does something to it that Iruka's does not quite catch, but vows to get Pantsu to teach him later. The tiny silver scroll pops into a much bigger scroll, and turns orange, then darkens to red. With a hiss, a cylinder of steel emerges from one end of the scroll. With much clicking, the cylinder expands, slides over the scroll and then contracts, encashing the scroll completely. The case is decorated with the Uzumaki Clan Crest and and Umino Clan crest. This scroll is the Sacred Scroll from the Temple of Joe. Pantsu places it beside the scroll from the Temple of Dave. Side by side, it is easy to tell which scroll is which. The Sacred Scroll from the Temple of Dave is rick dark green, and has no protective case, not even a seal. It looks like an ordinary scroll, but for one thing: it has the Senju Clan symbol on one end of the dowel, and the Uchiha crest on the other end of the dowel.

"Thank you," says Lord Fugaku. Picking up Joe's Scroll. He pushes the button to release the case and unrolls the scroll. He skims through it, rolls it back up and closes the case again. "That is incredibly half baked. It is hard to believe Lord Second wrote this scroll. Now, let's open up the other one, shall we?" He picks up Dave's Scroll and unrolls it. Then he lays it on his desk for all to see. "It is blank."

"Why is it blank?" asks Naruto, walking up to the desk to take a closer look at the scroll. "Maybe the stuff on it is hidden, 'tebayo."

Nagato and Lord Fugaku both examine the scroll with their rinnegan.

"I can't see anything," says Fugaku.

"Neither can I," says Nagato. "It's not a decoy, is it?"

"No," says Patsu, sternly. "If Gurunku says that is the right scroll, then it is the right scroll. You will just have ta figure out how ta unlock its secrets, eh."

"I will consult the Second Hokage," says Lord Fugaku, rolling the scroll back up. "In the meantime, you will all need somewhere to stay while you are in the Leaf."

"Grandpa, can they stay at our house, 'tebayo?" asks Naruto, instantly.

"Well…ah...we don't really have room…" Arashi tries to explain.

"PLEASE?!" Naruto begs, his eyes all wet and shiny.

"Um...where are we going to put 15 extra people, Naruto?" asks Arashi.

"15?" says Nagato. "Don't you mean 12? I mean, three of us are prisoners."

Naruto gives Nagato the most withering expression that Iruka has ever seen. There is so much disappointment in Naruto's voice as he says, "Do you still believe that? We told you so many times that we only pretended to take you prisoner to get you in the village, 'tebayo."

"Then why haven't you let Namiko go?" demands Mei, angrily.

Iruka feels a bit annoyed. "You've had her for the past five years!" he snaps. "Why can't I hold her for a few days? Besides, I would've given her back if you asked…"

"What's this about?" asks Fugaku, sounding amused.

"Iruka carried Namiko the whole way here from the Land of Eddies," explains Arashi. "The only time he wasn't holding onto her was when me or Naruto pinched her off him."

"Naruto or I," corrects Naruto smugly.

"Iruka, I think maybe you should put the kid down," sighs Fugaku, rubbing his temples. "Kids don't like to be coddled too much, you know."

Iruka pulls a face and very, very, very reluctantly puts Namiko down. Namiko runs straight to Mei and grabs onto her leg. Mei pats Namiko's head and glares at Iruka.

"Good," says Lord Fugaku, still rubbing his temples. "Now that that is sorted out, I will schedule a full council meeting to discuss what to do in this situation while you lot rest from your journey at Arashi's house."

"But I don't have room!" protests Arashi.

"Shisui!" snaps Lord Fugaku, glaring directly at Shisui.

"Yes sir!" Shisui stands to attention.

"Go find Lord First and send him to Arashi's house to erect temporary accommodation for all these extra people," orders Lord Fugaku. "And the find Lord Second and ask him to come here because I want to ask him about the Sacred Scrolls."

"Yes Sir!" says Shisui, trying to hide how scared he is of Fugaku. "How long will this mustache last, sir?"

"One year," says Lord Fugaku. "And in case you haven't noticed yet, it also glows in the dark."

"I had noticed, sir," says Shisui, shuddering. "It's going to be much more difficult to complete stealth missions now, sir. I will be off, sir." Shisui turns smartly on his heels and shunshins out of the window.

"What did he do?" asks Mei.

"He got my teenage daughter pregnant," says Lord Fugaku.

"Castrate him," says one of Kurama's Guards.

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT I HAD TO SAY TO GET HIM TO STOP TRYING TO CASTRATE SHISUI?!" yells Naruto, hitting that Guard with his fists. "DON'T PUT THE IDEA BACK IN HIS HEAD, DATTEBAYO!"

"Chasing Shisui all over the village screaming bloody murder every so often is just fine," says Fugaku, smiling. "And that mustache is sweet revenge for all the times he helped you and Hinata draw mustaches on my policemen."

* * *

Kazama is sitting at the dining table with Kimiko helping her put together a jigsaw puzzle. It is times like this when Kazama is sad that she missed Minato's childhood. Quiet moments doing normal things, when the crazy is somewhat dormant. The crazy always comes back, though.

 _Crash!_ The door bangs open.

"KAZAMA!" Arashi's voice rings through the house. "GUESS WHO FINALLY BROUGHT A GIRL HOME?!"

Kazama sighs and calls back, "It better be Iruka, because if it's Naruto, Hinata is gonna be pissed!"

Arashi bursts into the room with Naruto just behind him. "It's Iruka!" Arashi confirms. "Iruka brought a girl home!"

"And a kid!" adds Naruto, bouncing up and down. "Grandma, Iruka-nii has a kid, 'tebayo!"

Kazama freezes in shock. She blinks a few times and stares at Naruto, trying to process what he just said.

A pretty laugh catches Kazama's attention. She sees a young-ish woman standing behind Naruto. The woman has long, flowing auburn hair, and a little top knot on top of her head. She is wearing a blue, off the shoulder dress with a split down one side, and mesh armour underneath. "You two are not doing a very good job of explaining the situation, are you?" The woman gently pushes Arashi and Naruto out of the way and walks up to Kazama. "I am Mei Terumi, Fifth Mizukage of the Village Hidden in the Mist."

"She's Iruka-nii's girl friend!" pipes up Naruto cheerfully.

"No I am not," says Mei, rolling her eyes. Then her entire demeanor changes as she puts her hands to her cheeks, and blushes, blissfully. Closing her eyes and tipping her head to one side, Mei sighs, "But I want to marry him!"

A chubby little girl emerges from behind Mei and tugs on her dress. "Mummy, stop acting weird!" the little girl says, an exasperated expression on her round little face.

Mei stops whatever it is she is doing (Kazama is not quite sure what it is, but it looks silly) as if she just remembered something important. "I am sorry," says Mei, all grace and elegance again. "I did not give you a chance to introduce yourself."

"I am Kazama Namikaze," says Kazama, wondering exactly what is going on with this woman. "I am that idiot's wife."

Mei smiles and puts her hand on top of the little girl's head. "This is my daughter Namiko. She's also your granddaughter."

Namiko puffs up her cheeks and retreats behind Mei, clinging tightly to her mother.

It takes roughly a second for Kazama to figure out that the poor child probably barely touched the ground from the moment Naruto, Iruka and Arashi found out whose child she is. Kazama gets up from her chair, walks over to Mei and Namiko and crouches down so that she is closer to Namiko's level. Kazama is glad she is still mobile enough to do this. "Hello, there," Kazama says, smiling warmly.

Namiko pokes her head out shyly. "Hi," she says, blushing.

Kazama waits.

Namiko creeps out from behind Mei and walks up to Kazama.

"My, aren't you a pretty little girl?" says Kazama, who privately thinks Namiko is actually a very plain, if cute, child.

Namiko blushes in delight.

"Now, would you like some hot chocolate?" asks Kazama. This poor child has probably been subjected to much cuddling, and, if so, definitely needs some hot chocolate.

Namiko's face lights up and she nods. "Yes please!"

"Come on, then," says Kazama, standing up. She can almost hear her joints creaking. Kazama holds out her hand, and Namiko takes it. Then Kazama leads her granddaughter to the table, helps her onto a chair and gets to making the hot chocolate. Kazama makes some for Kimiko as well while she is at it. (Oh dear, their names sound similar. If Kazama had met them at the same time, she would probably confuse the two names.)


	166. Full House

Iruka follows Jiraiya inside after convincing Kurama's Guards, Pantsu and Burifu to wait outside with Nagato until they fill Kazama in on the situation. Jiraiya goes first, and when he arrives in the kitchen he immediately opens by saying, "Kazama, you have a ton of guests, thanks to Naruto."

"Is that so," says Kazama as Iruka himself enters the kitchen. "Well, I've met two of them." Kazama sees Iruka, frowns at him, marches around the table, gets right up in Iruka's face, then smacks him on the head.

"Ow!" says Iruka, rubbing his head indignantly.

"What was that for?" asks Jiraiya, looking mightily confused. "What did he do?"

"Her," says Kazama, pointing at Mei. Then she grabs Iruka by the ear and yells, "WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!?"

Iruka turns very red when he remembers what he was thinking. Iruka sees Mei turn red too.

"No, actually, don't answer that," says Kazama, suddenly calming down. She sighs and says, "Jiraiya, what's this about a ton of guests? I already have a ton."

"Four is hardly a ton…" says Arashi. "Therearethirteenmoreoutside…" he says it so quickly it is hard to tell what he is actually saying.

"What was that?" asks Kazama, suspiciously.

"Oh, ah, well...um…" stammers Arashi, wringing his hands together. "Naruto said so...and you weren't there to stop him and the Hokage agreed and now we have no choice…"

"Hello!" says a new voice. Iruka tuns to see Lord First standing in the hallway. "May I come in?"

"You are already in," says Kazama dryly. "Why are you here?"

"I am here at the request of the current Hokage," says Lord First. "I am to erect temporary accommodation for your guests. Most of them are waiting outside."

Kazama turns on Naruto, her arms crossed menacingly. "How many people did you bring back, counting these two?" she motions to Namiko, who is sitting at the table drinking hot chocolate with Kimiko, and Mei, who is staring at Iruka's butt.

"Fifteen!" says Naruto, grinning widely. He starts counting them off on his fingers. "Iruka-nii's kid, Iruka-nii's illegal girlfriend, Nagato-nii, Gramps Pants, Burifu, Sei and the rest of Kurama's Guards. There are ten of them, so that makes 15 people!"

Kazama's eye starts twitching dangerously. "What made you think that it would be a good idea to bring home fifteen people?" Kazama asks very calmly.

"It wasn't my original plan, 'tebayo," says Naruto. "But Kurama's Guards won't stop following me, Gramps Pants wants to see Granny Tsunade, Burifu won't stop following Pants and we had to take the other three prisoner to get them to the village!"

"Naruto," says Kazma, her eyebrow still twitching. "Why couldn't the two who came here to see Tsunade stay at Tsunade's house, and why can't the ten who won't stop following you stay at a motel or something in town?"

"Ooooh," says Naruto, a thoughtful expression on his face. "I didn't think of that. Besides, I decided they are staying here, 'tebayo."

Kazama takes a deep breath and says, "Fine, but most of them are going to have to sleep outside."

"That's why Lord First is here, 'tebayo!" says Naruto cheerfully.

"This kid runs your lives, doesn't he?" asks Lord First, smiling ironically.

Iruka looks at the floor and rubs the back of his head. "Nooooo…" he denies it.

Kazama puts her hand over her chest and says, "Of course not!"

"No he doesn't," says Arashi, looking up at the ceiling and clasping his hands behind his back.

Lord First smiles knowingly and says, "Of course, my mistake. Now, where would you like me to build the temporary accommodation for your guests?"

"Follow me," says Kazama, wading through the crowd standing in the doorway and heading outside. Once outside, Kazama introduces herself to Kurama's Guards, Pantsu and Burifu, and tells Nagato off for not mentioning that his sidekick is her Granddaughter. She would've liked to know, dammit, Nagato!

Once Kazama is finished greeting everyone, she directs Lord First to where she wants the temporary accommodation. Lord First uses his woodstyle to erect a fancy looking house.

Kazama inspects the house, and when she is finished she nods firmly and says, "This is satisfactory. Now I had better go and tell Lord Fifth that he better be providing for this lot's upkeep." Kazama turns and heads off, presumably to do just that.

* * *

Naruto runs across the Village rooftops to go and see Sasuke. Halfway to the hospital, he sees Madoka hopping across roofs in the direction of the Uchiha Compound.

"Hey, Madoka!" Naruto calls, heading over to Madoka.

"Naruto!" Madoka stops roof-jumping and grins. "You're back! Did you hear that Sasuke was released from hospital this morning?"

"That's awesome, dattebayo!" says Naruto, grinning. "How come no one told me?"

"I'm going to visit her, want to come?" asks Madoka.

"I was going to see Sasuke too," says Naruto. "But I thought she was still in hospital, so I'll come with you, dattebayo!"

The pair heads over to Sasuke's house and Naruto knocks on the door. Sasuke's Mum opens the door. "Hello, you two," she says. "Are you looking for more missing cats?"

"No, Mrs. Sasuke's Mum," says Naruto politely. "We are here to visit Sasuke. May we come in, 'tebayo?"

"Yes, you may," says Sasuke's Mum, ushering them inside. "Sasuke!" She calls. "Your teammates are here to visit you!" Sasuke's mum waves Madoka and Naruto into the living room. "She's in there."

Naruto and Madoka go through into the living room. Sasuke is sitting in a wheelchair by the window. Her arm is in a sling and her leg is in a cast, and she looks very, very bored.

"Sasuke!" Naruto runs over to Sasuke and hugs her.

"Get off me, idiot!" says Sasuke, but she doesn't sound like she means it.

Naruto lets Sasuke go and grins widely at her. "I just got back today, 'tebayo. Your Dad sent Shisui a mustache, so now Shisui has a shiny blue mustache that glows, and he can't get it off."

"Why did he put it on in the first place?" asks Madoka, frowning.

"Because it was a trap seal," says Naruto. "And Shisui remembered after he opened the letter that it might have a trap seal inside it."

Madoka laughs. "So you can give people mustaches with seals?"

"Yep!" grins Naruto. "You can also change their hair colour for a solid month or longer. I copied that seal from the Archives in the Temple of Jashin, 'tebayo."

Madoka and Sasuke both stare at Naruto like they have something to say that they are both too proud to admit they want to say. "What are you two thinking?" asks Naruto, suspiciously. "Tell me, 'tebbayo!"

"I'm thinking maybe we could use that seal to turn our hair a weird colour," says Madoka.

"Your hair is already a weird colour," says Sasuke. "And so is mine."

"Yep, and your roots are showing," says Naruto. "Let's turn our hair green!" he suggest.

"Neon green or bright green?" asks Sasuke.

"Bright green,"says Madoka. "Neon green looks too much like neon yellow, and Naruto's hair is already yellow."

"We need to do it in such a way that no one realizes that it's a seal," says Naruto. "And I really want Kakashi sensei to be the first one to see it."

"Let's see if we can organise a team meeting or something and do it just before the meeting," suggests Madoka.

"Yes!" Naruto says, grinning. "We can tell him he was so late, our hair turned green!"

Sasuke's eyebrow twitches. "That's brilliant."

"I'll arrange it with Kakashi sensei," says Madoka. "Naruto, you bring the seal, and Sasuke, you make sure you are still allowed at team meetings, even though there won't be much training for you. I bet Kakashi can do some tactical studies or something with you."

"I want to learn fuuinjutsu," says Sasuke, surprising Naruto.

"But...but Uchihas aren't good at fuuinjutsu!" he says. "Except for Madara!"

Sasuke sticks her nose in the air. "I want to be more powerful than Madara, so I must learn fuuinjutsu. And it is training I can do in a wheelchair. So long as I have training to do, I will not get bored."

"I need to learn fuuinjutsu too," says Madoka. "But Okami-san is going to teach me."

"Oooh, are you going to marry Karin when you grow up?" says Naruto, grinning and ready to tease.

"She has claimed me as hers," sighs Madoka wistfully. "So I must train to become worthy of the Uzumaki Princess, _shannaro_!"

Sasuke and Naruto glance at each other, and then both start saying, "Kissy-kissy!" and "You've got a girlfriend!" teasingly at Madoka.

Madoka blushes as pink as his hair, but does not deny it.


	167. The Order of Steve Must Party

Hinata is brushing Sparkles when the unicorn pricks his ears up and starts sniffing the air. "What can you smell, Sparkles?" asks Hinata, taking a wiff of the air herself.

Sparkles nickers softly and trots out of his unicorn house.

Hinata follows and find Neji leading a sparkly purple unicorn towards the unicorn house. "Oh, hi Neji," says Hinata. She still isn't sure how to feel about Neji now.

"Hello Hinata," says Neji, a little shyly. "This is Mrs. Sparkles. While we were on our mission, Naruto and I found both Mrs. Sparkles and Mrs. Sparky."

"Oh, um, that's great…" Hinata is happy, she really is, but she still isn't sure about Neji. Hanabi is completely fine with Neji, but then, Neji never tried to kill her.

"I brought her back so that she can be reunited with Sparkles," Continues Neji. "And so you have another business partner…"

Sparkles and the new unicorn trot up to each other and rub their head together.

Hinata does some quick thinking. "I shall call you Moonbeam," she tells the purple unicorn. Moonbeam sniffs Hinata's face.

"So, uh, Hinata…" says Neji, wringing his hands.

"Yes?" says Hinata, turning towards her cousin.

"I need an excuse to throw a party."

WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT!?

* * *

Rain is busy clipping his finger nails when Wind runs into the room. "Nagato, Mei and Namiko were captured by the Hidden Leaf!" she says.

Rain sighs. "We had better go and get them, then." He clips the last few fingernails, pulls his glove back on and grabs his mask. He places it over and stands up.

Wind pulls up her cloth mask and says, "Let's go by _that_ shortcut: we need to get there quickly."

"Of course," says Rain. The pair heads off to tell Haku where they are going and to ask her to look after their child a little longer. She agrees happily, and the pair say goodbye to their son.

Then they head to the Hidden Leaf.

They stop halfway to discuss their plan to take Nagato, Mei and Namiko back. "The real question is where the Leaf is keeping them," says Rain. "If we know that, we can sneak in and out before anyone knows we were there and take them."

"We could ask Ichiraku," suggests Wind. "He knows most things about the Leaf, and he has helped us before."

"I don't want to drag him into something like this," sys Rain, shaking his head. "We need to sneak in and out with little to no fuss."

"So where should we start?" wonders Wind. "I suppose we could sneak in on the outskirts of the village and transform into generic citizens to scope the place out."

"That is probably best," agrees Rain. "Training Ground Seven, where we spied on Team Seven's Bell Test that time?"

"Yep," agrees Rain, getting up off his seat to finish the second half of the journey. "Since Sasuke is in hospital, the team is not likely to be there. And if they are, they have no reason to think we are enemies."

When they do arrive in the Hidden Leaf's Training Ground Seven, Wind and Rain instantly hide. Team Seven is there, although it is just Naruto, Sasuke and Madoka. Sasuke is in a wheelchair, and Madoka is covered in bruises, but Naruto seems absolutely fine. Not at all like someone who fought Nagato, Mei and Namiko should be.

The trio is crowded around a seal that Naruto is drawing. What are they up to? Rain signals to Wind to get closer. They creep forward to see what the three Leaf ninjas are up to. Just as they are close enough to see, Naruto activates the seal three times: first on himself, second on Madoka and lastly on Sasuke.

The seal turns their hair bright green.

Once all three young members of Team Seven have green hair, Naruto seals away all evidence of sealing equipment. Then the three settle down to wait for Kakashi while Naruto tells the Dramatic Tale of His Adventures With Iruka-nii, Neji, Shisui and Grandpa Arashi, and the Many Friends They Made Along the Way. Wind and Rain listen in fascination to Naruto's flashback. Eventually, he get up to the part where they meet Nagato and Iruka summons a herd of unicorns and a flock of phoenixes. Wind and Rain exchange looks. This is the part where they might find out what happened to Nagato, Namiko and Mei. They keep listening, intent on finding out what Naruto is about to reveal.

"...And then we pretended to take Miss Mizukage, Namiko and Nagato-nii prisoner," Naruto says, as he winds his tale to a close. "We had to get them to the Leaf so we could discuss sealing away Zetsu. But no one can see what's on Dave's Scroll, and Mr. Nice Hokage said that he'd talk to Lord Second, since Lord Second wrote the scroll, but I don't know if he has yet. Nagato was stupid, and thought we took him prisoner for real."

Madoka and Sasuke laugh.

"They are staying at my house, along with Gramps Pants, Burifu and Kurama's Guards," finishes Naruto. "Grandma got funds for their upkeep from the Village's Important Guests Fund. I didn't even know that was a thing, dattebayo."

"Neither did I," admits Madoka.

"I did," says Sasuke, smugly.

Kakashi appears in a whirl of Leaves and says, "Yo, sorry I'm late, my house turned into a hedge, and I had to wait for Lord First to fix it before I could leave."

"HOW DID YOUR HOUSE TURN INTO A HEDGE!?" demands Madoka.

"YEAH SENSEI!" yells Naruto. "YOU TOOK SO DAMN LONG, OUR HAIR TURNED GREEN, 'TEBAYO!"

"HN!" Agrees Sasuke.

Kakashi looks very, very disappointed.

"Oh, no," whispers Wind. "He's going to yell at them, isn't he?"

"You guys…" says Kakashi in a threatening voice.

All three of his students huddle together and look generally terrified.

"...should've waited for me," says Kakashi, grinning. "Turn my hair green too, and we can prank the whole village. If all four of us have green hair, we can say something crazy happened while we were training, and people will be more likely to believe it."

The three younger members of Team Seven all start grinning. "You're the best, Kakashi sensei!" says Naruto.

Wind and Rain share a silent look and begin to creep away to find Nagato, Mei and Namiko. Rain hears the sound of paper and sealing brush. He stops and turns to look back at Team Kakashi a little confused.

Kakashi isn't actually letting them turn his hair green, is he?

He is.

Rain is so surprised he loses his balance and falls off the tree branch he is standing on. He ends up hanging upside down by his coat, because apparently it got caught in the branches when he turned.

Instead of helping him before Team Kakashi notices, Wind starts laughing hysterically. Rain, afraid of falling on his neck because that would be bad, tries to use chakra to stick his feet to the tree branch above him. Unfortunately, his efforts result in Rain getting his foot stuck.

Team Kakashi notices Wind and Rain and heads over to see what all the noise is about.

"Don't just laugh, help me!" says Rain, trying to wriggle free.

Team Kakashi arrives, and Naruto and Madoka immediately start laughing. Sasuke smiles. Kakashi walks right up to Rain, unhooks him from the tree and holds him in a half-nelson. Then Kakashi pulls out a kunai and holds it to Rain's throat.

"Kakashi sensei, he's not our enemy, 'tebayo," says Naruto.

"I know these two have helped us before," says Kakashi, his voice made of steel. "But I'm guessing they are here because they heard about the Leaf capturing Nagato and the Mizukage. Is that right?"

Wind stops giggling and says, "Yes, we're here for Nagato, Mei and Namiko. Where are they?"

"They are with the Hokage," says Kakashi, still not releasing Rain. "We will take you there on the condition you tell the Hokage everything you know about Zetsu and his plans. We have agreed to help Akatsuki defeat him, but we need as much information as possible."

"You aren't really in a position to be bargaining," says Wind, straightening up. Rain feels Wind preparing to use her secret power.

"No, Wind," says Rain firmly. "If the Leaf wants to help us, then let's accept that help. Who knows how badly we will need it in the coming days?"

Wind calms her power and takes a deep breath. "Alright," she says. "But if we end up putting more people in danger than we otherwise would have, I'm blaming you."


	168. Iruka Owes a Ton of Child Support

"It's blank, Lord Hokage!" one of Lord Fugaku's cypher corp whines as he pours over the scroll from the Temple of Dave.

"No it's not," says Lord Fugaku. "Lord Second assured me there is something written on the scroll, and we just have to find it."

"Did he give you any hints about how to find it?" asks Nagato, sounding very frustrated.

"He said something about considering who made it, why it was made and who it was made for," sighs Lord Fugaku. "It was not overly helpful."

Mei laughs. The Hidden Leaf is funny. "Who made the scroll?" she asks.

"Lord Second made the scroll, as far as I know," says Nagato.

"Kagami Uchiha, Shisui's Grandfather, helped him make it," says Lord Fukaku.

"So why was it made?" asks Iruka, who is standing over the scroll. Mei has an excellent view of his butt from where she is standing, over by the window.

"It was made to hold a copy of the original text that was written on the Sacred Stone Tablet written by the Sage of Six Paths on the true nature of the sharingan," says Lord Second.

Mei stands up a bit straighter and tears her eyes away from Iruka's fine backside. "I thought it was made to contain the other half of the jutsu to destroy Zetsu," she says. "Have we been looking for the wrong scroll?"

"No," says Lord Fugaku, seriously. "Lord Second assured me that what you are looking for and what I am looking for are both in the scroll."

"Interesting," says Iruka, leaning a little closer to the scroll. "So how do you read it?"

Mei's eyes go straight back to Iruka's butt. She leaves the window and heads over to the table. She slides in beside Iruka and takes a look at the blank scroll. Seeing that it is just as blank as ever, she turns to look at Iruka suggestively and says, "So do you have a theory on what we should do next?"

Iruka turns his head to look at Mei and says, with a cheeky grin, "Whatever we do next will require a lot of co operation."

Mei's attention is diverted by a sharp knock on the window. Everyone in the room turns to see who it is. It is green haired Kakashi Hatake, grinning at them from behind his mask.

Lord Fugaku heads over to the window and opens it, letting Kakashi in. Kakashi is followed by Naruto carrying a girl in a wheelchair, and a boy. The three of them have green hair also. Wind and Rain follow close behind, their hair, thankfully, is normal coloured (Not that Mei can see Wind's hair, anyway.

"Lord Fugaku," says Kakashi, smiling. "We just caught these two trying to find and rescue our pretend prisoners."

"Hello Wind, Rain," says Mei, smiling. She has decided to ignore the green hair. "And Hello Naruto. Is that girl your girlfriend?"

"No, she's my teammate!" says Naruto, setting the wheelchair on the floor. "This is Sasuke, she's Mr. Nice Hokage's daughter. I'd be too scared to date Sasuke anyway. I mean, Shisui is dating Sasuke's big sister, and now he has a shiny blue glow in the dark mustache!"

"You better not be thinking of dating Sasuke," growls Lord Fugaku.

"Oh, Sasuke's pretty, but she's more like a sister that I don't always get on with very well and would like to beat the crap out of every now and again," says Naruto scratching the back of his head, nervously. "But I don't want to date her, 'tebayo. She's probably got cooties…"

"How old are you?" asks Mei, sure she is seeing an adolescent crush. "12, 13? Give it a few years."

"Thank goodness Hinata's not here," Iruka mutters under his breath.

"I don't have cooties!" snaps the girl, hitting Naruto. "Only Madoka has cooties!"

"Hey, don't be mean to Madoka, 'tebayo."

"If I'm not mean to him once a week he starts thinking I hate him, it's _necessary_."

"If you two don't stop fighting right now, I will punch you both through that wall," says Madoka, tugging on his gloves.

"Oookay," interrupts Kakashi, separating the three kids. "That's enough of that."

"Yes Kakashi sensei," they chorus.

"Now that that's settled," says Kakashi, smiling again. "Shall we get on with the business at hand? We need to make sure no one else comes to rescue the Mizukage and the leader of the Hidden Rain."

"So then we are prisoners?" asks Nagato, his eyes wide.

"No you moron," says Mei, wondering just how stupid one person can be. "He means we need to inform our villages the prisoner thing was a ruse by Mr Hot and Clever over here." Mei indicates who she is talking about by slapping Iruka on the backside.

Wind and Rain both face palm.

"Do our villages know we were taken to the Leaf as prisoners yet?" Mei asks.

"I think so," says Wind. "I found out about it from the rumor mill, after all."

"You are going to need to go back to your respective villages," says Rain. "Wind and I will stay here and help with the scroll."

"It might be best for you and Nagato to go back to your villages," agrees Lord Fugaku. "You need to nip that rumour about us abducting you in the bud before we have a war on our hands. Don't worry about the scrolls. We will send you a message as soon as we find out what is on them."

"That does seem like the most logical thing to do," sighs Mei. "But I do hate to leave him so soon." She pats Iruka's shoulder.

"Aw, does that mean Namiko-chan has to leave already?" whines Naruto, an incredibly crushed expression on his face.

Iruka also looks incredibly crushed at this thought.

"We will come back again to sort out things like alliances and peace treaties," promises Mei. "But for now, the Mist and the Leaf are in a temporary truce to fight a common enemy."

"Peace treaties and alliances sound like fun," says Kakashi, smiling.

"How about we schedule those meetings for after Zetsu is dealt with," suggests Lord Fugaku. "For now, go back to your villages and stop them from declaring war on the Leaf."

"Wind, Rain, are you sure you want to stay in the Leaf for a potentially long time?" asks Nagato, a concerned frown on his face.

"Don't worry," says Wind. "I've thought about it, and it's better if we are the ones who stay. And no, don't say anything about sending someone else from Akatsuki."

"Wind is pretty determined that we stay," interjects Rain.

"But…" Nagato tries to protest, and Mei wonders if the people currently wearing the Wind and Rain masks have bad history with the Hidden Leaf.

"It's fine," says Rain. "We need to tell the Hokage a few things anyway."

"Come on then, Nagato," says Mei, heading to the window. Might as well use it since it is open. "Let's go before the Fourth Shinobi War starts." Mei grins at Iruka suggestively. "You come too. We need to discuss child support."

"How did you manage to say the flirtatiously?" asks one of Lord Fugaku's code breakers.

Mei smiles and says, "Trade secret." Then she jumps out of the window, and sets off across the rooftops.

As she is leaving, Mei hears Lord Fugaku say sternly, "Now that the important business is taken care of: Team Seven, why is your hair green?"

Soon, Iruka and Nagato appear beside her after a few seconds. Very soon, they arrive back at Iruka's house. Mei thinks it is hilarious and adorable that Iruka still lives with his adoptive parents because his adopted nephew/brother won't allow him to move out.

They head inside and find Namiko sitting down in front of the TV with Kazama eating cup ramen. "You're feeding her ramen?" says Mei, mildly horrified.

"Do you have something against ramen?" demands Nagato, glaring deadly kunai at Mei.

"No, it's fine, but Namiko isn't allowed it at the moment because she ate 15 bowls in one sitting and made herself sick!"

Kazama laughs heartily. "She is so much like Iruka."

For some bizarre reason, Iruka is grinning like he's PROUD or something.

"What is wrong with you people?" sighs Mei.

"Mummy, Hidden Leaf Ramen is amazing," says Namiko. "How long are we staying here?"

"We're leaving now," says Mei. "Wind and Rain are here now, so Nagato and I need to get back to our villages before that rumour we were taken prisoner causes a war."

"Aww," whines Namiko, pouting. "I wanted to stay here longer!"

"Mei, can we talk?" says Kazama, getting up off the couch and heading into the music room, where Namiko slept with Kimiko the previous night. Nagato crashed on the couch, and Mei used Iruka as a pillow. He didn't mind. (They did cuddles like in the Temple of Joe, but this time with protection.) (Mei is well aware she is thinking in child friendly format, but there are children present. (And yes, Nagato also counts as a child.))

Mei follows Kazama into the music room and says, "What do you want to talk about?"

"Can Namiko stay here a little longer?" Kazama asks.

"Don't you already have a full house, though?" asks Mei, bemused. She is not planning on leaving her kid in a foreign village amid strangers and people she has only met a few times before. Mei suddenly realizes that she has already done that. She did leave Namiko with Akatsuki in the Hidden Rain after all…

"I do," says Kazama, sighing. "But think of it like this: until yesterday I did not know that I had a granddaughter. And now she is going to leave and I don't know if I will see her again. I know the Leaf and Mist are technically enemies. Even if you do become our allies, is it really likely that Namiko will be able to come here very often?"

Mei can see where Kazama is coming from. "And how am I supposed to explain to my council why I left my kid in an enemy village? After the whole prisoner debacle, they will assume she is here as a hostage."

"You said Wind and Rain are here," says Kazama reasonably. "Just tell them she's with them. I know she is Nagato's apprentice, and technically part of Akatsuki by association. It is not unreasonable to tell your council and your village that Namiko is here to help uncover the scroll's mysteries with help from Wind, Rain, the Uchiha's sharingan, the Hyuuga's byakugan and the Second Hokage's rare hints."

Kazama is making a strong case. It would make sense to leave Namiko with the scroll, since she might be able to help crack it. Mei is still very reluctant to leave Namiko, though.

"Isn't one of the scrolls Namiko's?" asks Kazama, her apparent change of subject alerting Mei to the fact the old lady is about to make a deal-breaking point.

"Yes," confirms Mei. "She's studying the techniques in it."

"Then wouldn't it make sense for her to stay here where she can keep an eye on it? Someone might steal it, after all."

"But Wind and Rain are keeping an eye on it," says Mei. "Besides. Namiko is stuck on the technique she is learning, and should probably take a break from busting her brain over it so she can look at it with fresh eyes."

"Or she could stay here and get help from the two greatest seal masters alive," says Kazama, smiling. "One of whom is her father, remember?"

Mei sucks in her breath, aware that Kazama has won. Mei is essentially in a corner. She only has one argument left. "But I don't want to leave her here," says Mei. "It's so far away, and I don't really know any of you."

Kazama smiles. "Now we're getting to the real issue," she says kindly. "You are afraid to leave you child among strangers. I understand. But know this: we will not allow any harm to come to her. We will not hurt her in any way."

"But how do I know you won't hurt her without meaning to?" asks Mei, glad that Kazama is actually taking her 'I don't want to' seriously.

"Because I know better now," says Kazama, sadly. "I messed up quite badly when we first arrived here in the Leaf and took in Naruto and Iruka. I made mistakes with them that I regret deeply. But I will not make those same mistakes with Namiko, I promise."

Mei wonders exactly what it was that happened. She looks into Kazama's eyes and sees honesty, and trust. She realizes that Kazama is essentially asking for an enemy genin to stay in her home for a while. Mei could not do that, no matter how closely related they were. This woman has a spine made of steel. Mei smiles and says, "Alright, she can stay until Zetsu is defeated. But after that, she comes back home to me, alright?"

"Thank you," says Kazama, smiling. "Now before you go, do you want to talk about child support now or after we defeat Zetsu?"


	169. The Never Ending Party

Fugaku heads to the Village Gates to see off Nagato, Mei and the little Mist kid. What was her name again? Iruka's brat? Nah, that's not a name. But for some reason, when Fugaku arrives, Iruka's Kid is not standing with Mei and Nagato, but with Kazama. "Is she staying?" Fugaku asks when he is close enough to hold a conversation with the small gathering at the gate. Kazama, Arashi, Jiraiya, Iruka and Nagato are there to see the 'prisoners' off.

"Yes, she is," says Mei, with a determined expression on her face like she is fighting off the urge to change her mind. "Namiko will probably be able to help with Dave's Scroll."

Oh, so her name is Namiko. "She will, indeed," says Lord Fugaku. "But what she really ought to be doing is playing with other little toddlers."

"I'm not a toddler, I'm a big kid!" announces Namiko, glaring defiantly at Fugaku.

"Oh, sorry," says Fugaku, trying to to grin. "Then you should be at school with the other big kids your size." Her size is tiny and chubby enough to be considered fat.

"I'm a genin!" says Namiko, proudly. "The Academy was boring and far too easy so after a few weeks I graduated. Now I'm Nagato sensei's apprentice! That's way better 'cause it's ak-chully hard."

"And you let her?" says Fugaku, frowning at Mei.

"She just decided to take the test, the teachers humoured her, and then she cried when I told her she is too young to graduate," sighs Mei. "And when I say cried, I really mean she screamed for three hours and made herself sick from the effort."

"That sounds an awful lot like something my son would do," says Fugaku, remembering that Itachi also decided the Academy was boring and too easy and then came home one day with a graduation certificate and a forehead protector. Eizo is the one who screams, though. Sasuke does not know that Fugaku knows that Eizo screamed at her until Sasuke hugged him. Fugaku has weird kids. "The screaming thing, I mean. My son would do the screaming thing. My oldest kid already did the whole 'deciding the academy is boring and coming home a genin' thing. They grow up so fast."

"I'm glad you understand," says Mei, in a tone of voice that gives Fugaku the impression she is just glad SOMEONE understands.

"We'll make sure she spends plenty of time playing," promises Arashi. "Have a safe trip."

"Well, goodbye then," says Mei, reluctantly.

"Bye Mummy!" says Namiko, grinning and waving cheerfully. "You don't want to be late home, do you?"

Mei's face takes on an irritated, somewhat angry expression. She sniffs, turns on her heel and marches away, muttering something about marriage.

Nagato waves goodbye and heads off to catch up to Mei.

"Right," says Fugaku, when Mei and Nagato are out of earshot. "Now that they are gone and we don't have to keep pretending: Namiko, you are not doing s*** while you are here. Have fun with your Dad's side of the family, okay."

"Oh!" Namiko gasps, putting her hand over her mouth. "You said a bad word!"

"Since when was 'fun' a bad word?" asks Fugaku, frowning and pretending he doesn't know what word she actually meant.

"Lord Fugaku…" says Kazama, raising a threatening eyebrow.

Fugaku suddenly remembers he has a meeting to go to. "I have to meet with Wind and Rain," he says, and shunshins away before the angry old civilian lady beats the crap out of him for swearing in front of a little kid.

"That was a close call," says Fugaku, relieved, when he arrives in his office via the window.

Wind and Rain are waiting for him in the Hokage's office. "What was a close call?" asks Rain, scratching his head like a confused cartoon character.

"Oh, I swore when speaking to Namiko, and her Grandma was right there," says Fugaku, closing the window he just climbed through. "Kazama was not impressed."

"Would you be if someone swore in front of your kid?" asks Wind, unimpressed.

"They would know the true meaning of pain," says Fugaku, shrugging. He sits down. "Now, what did you want to tell me, and no one else?"

"First, we need to make sure no one can eavesdrop on us," says Wind, heading over to the windows and doing something to them that blocks them out completely. At the same time, Rain casts a genjutsu that blocks out everything they say and do to anyone outside the jutsu.

Fugaku rests his head on his hands and his elbows on his desk. "What exactly is it you need to tell me?" he asks. "That's a lot of security."

"Our enemy has many ways of finding things out," says Wind. "It is almost impossible to know who to trust. But we know we can trust you, Lord Fugaku." She raises her hand and lowers her mask.

Fugaku sits up straighter. "You…!"

Then Rain reaches up and takes off his mask. "Lord Fugaku, we have quite a story to tell."

"But you're…!" Fugaku cannot quite believe what he is seeing.

* * *

Tsunade is drunk. Just how she likes it.

What's Great Uncle Pantsu doing here? "Oi!" she yells at him, waving her bottle of sake at him. "You were right! Drinking made my boobs grow!"

"Lady Tsunade, anatomy doesn't work that way!" says Shizune, who is sitting across from Tsunade with Tonton, ready to carry Tsunade home once she passes out.

"Which one of us has bigger boobs?" demands Tsunade, waving her bottle at Shizune. "Me! Which one of us drinks? ME!"

"I'm a man, Lady Tsunade," sighs Shizune. "I am never going to grow boobs, no matter how much I drink."

"Of course not!" says Pantsu, sitting down beside Shizune and giving him a noogie. "You'll just get hair on your chest like this!" Pantsu pulls open the front of his shirt, mentally scarring Shizune for life.

"I want some of that!" says a little girl with shaggy, wild, red hair and muddy, tie-dyed clothing. She climbs up onto the tabletop, leaving muddy footprints from her bare feet, and grabs Tsunade's bottle. Then she drinks the rest of what is left in one long mouthful. "This stuff tastes better than moonshine," comments the girl, shaking a few of the remaining drops of sake onto the table.

"Hey!" yells the bartender, running over to their table. "You can't let her drink in here! It's against the law! She's not the legal drinking age yet!" He seems unreasonably flustered for some reason. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you all to leave."

"Now listen here, you…" Tsunade slams her fist down on the table, ready to pick a fight.

Pantsu interrupts. "Let's go hang with my peeps," he says. "We dudes have so much of that good, sweet booze, and the best hangover treatment in the world."

Tsunade blinks a couple of times. Then she grins, stands up, tucks the little alcoholic kid under her arm and says, "LET'S GO THEN!"

"I'll just be going…" Shizune says, trying to sneak away with Tonton.

"Oh, no you don't," says Pantsu. "You're coming with us.

"Then, can I at least send a message to Lady Okami to tell her where we are in case she needs us at the hospital?" asks Shizune.

"Send Tonton!" orders Tsunade.

* * *

Team Kakashi is finally back together, and back at Training Ground Seven. "So, what do we want to practice today?" asks Kakashi sensei, rubbing his hands together. "Remember, it must be something Sasuke can do in that chair. Strategy, perhaps? I could help you learn some hard kanji, or teach you a bit about puberty?"

"NO, not puberty!" says Madoka, wondering how traumatized they would be after discussing puberty with Kakashi sensei. "My parents already told me everything."

"Same," agrees Sasuke, nodding, her eyes wide from the potential horror.

"Sasuke and Madoka want to learn fuuinjutsu," says Naruto. "Do you know fuuinjutsu, Kakashi sensei, 'tebayo?"

"Yes, I do," says Kakashi sensei. "Your Dad tried teaching the whole team, but my teammates weren't very good at it. One of them was an Uchiha, and everyone knows they usually aren't very good at fuuinjutsu. The other one was just not too interested in learning. I got up to inventing my own jutsu for the advanced test." Kakashi sensei sighs. "But I could never teach it to anyone until I taught it to Sasuke." Kakashi sensei scratches the back of his head in embarrassment. "I guess I'm an Advanced Fuuinjutsu user now that I've taught Sasuke chidori."

"Alright!" says Naruto, grinning. "So you can help us then? You must know so much about fuuinjutsu since you've been learning it since you were our age!"

"Actually, I started learning when I became a genin," says Kakashi, sensei laughing nervously.

"How old were you when you became a genin?" asks Madoka, curious.

"Five," says Kakashi sensei.

"Wow!" Naruto's jaw drops. "I wasn't even allowed in the academy when I was five!"

"Ah, well, they changed the minimum entrance age because of me," says Kakashi sensei. "Now about learning fuuinjutsu…?"

"MADOKA!" a voice yells. Madoka turns to see Neji running towards Team Kakashi.

"What's up?" Madoka asks, when Neji is within reasonable talking distance.

"I need an excuse to throw a party-" Neji starts to say.

"You are getting way too into the Order of Steve's Partying," says Naruto.

"Whatever," says Neji, waving at Naruto to be quiet. "I need to throw a party. Madoka, your birthday is the next one out of all the people I know. Your birthday party is at my house."

Madoka grins, suddenly feeling very excited. "Awesome! You'll have to come to my house so we can sort out the details with my parents," he says. "Is this evening at five good?"

"Yep, I'll see you then," says Neji. "Where do you live?"

* * *

The Order of Steve's Never Ending Party is in full swing, with Tsunade drunkenly telling everyone about one of her adventures with the Sanin in the Third Shinobi war. Shizune is off to the side, hitting it off with one of Pantsu's grand daughters.

Suddenly, the air goes dark and a great wind swirls around the camp, blowing out the bonfire. Pantsu feels suddenly afraid, there is only one person who makes an entrance like this…

A woman with purple eyes and short red hair appears, standing atop the bonfire, a red glow illuminating her face. "Why was I not invited to this party too?" she demands, her eyes as cold as ice and her voice as sharp as a thorn.

"TSUNADE!" Pantsu snaps, turning to his Great Niece. "Why didn't ya tell me the Queen was in town, eh?"

"I was drunk," says Tsunade.

"You're still drunk," says The Queen, turning a withering gaze upon Tsunade.

"Well, since ya here," drawls one of Pantsu's offspring, one who does not know the terror of an angry Queen. "Do you wanna get down off the fire pit so we can relight it? Ya just in time for the dancing and music and moonshine."

Pantsu holds his breath.

"Yeah, join us!" yells one of the others. "There's no room for party poopers, but party crashers are welcome to join in! EVERYONE'S INVITED TO THE NEVERENDING PARTY!"

"Hm," says the Queen, folding her hands and descending from the top of the fire pit. "Do you have marshmallows?"

Pantsu breathes a sigh of relief. That could've been worse.


	170. Madoka's Birthday

Tenten stands at the punch table, pouring herself a cup of punch. She is at Madoka's birthday party, which Neji is hosting at his house. Tenten is not quite sure having a party in the Hyuuga compound is a good idea, but Neji is really into parties now. Even Guy sensei could not persuade Neji to hold the party elsewhere. Not even mentioning the Caged Bird Seal, and how the Hyuuga Clan might use the seal to punish Neji for break the 'no parties rule. Neji just laughed and said it would all be just fine.

The party itself is a little tense at the moment. Everyone is worried about the rest of the Hyuuga Clan turning up to shut the party down. Hiashi and Hizashi are out so that they do not have to listen to what they seemed sure would be a 'ragey' party. The members of Team Gai, Team Shisui, Team Asuma and Team Kurenai are all present at the party, but Team Kakashi is missing Sasuke. Sasuke was not allowed to go to the party because she is still very, very grounded. (All of Team Kakashi have bright green hair, which everyone is choosing to ignore, because Team Kakashi keeps denying their hair is green.) Madoka's parents are at the party too, along with Lady Tsunade, Shizune, Tonton and Karin's mum. The latter four all arrived a little late, claiming the just came from the Never Ending Party.

Feeling a little bored, Tenten decides to attempt that seal she was practicing in the hospital when she visited Sasuke that time. Tenten places her cup of punch on the end of the Punch Table and head over to the other side of the room. Then she draws the seal and attempts to summon her cup of punch over.

 _Poof!_ A cup of punch appears in the centre of the seal. Tenten grins. Thinking that she succeeded, she picks up the cup. Then she notices that it is not her cup, or the punch they are serving at the party. Tenten examines the cup carefully. The cup is blue and it has a strange yellow monster on it. The big, bold letters under the monster say 'Pikachu'.

"Hey, everyone," says Tenten, addressing the rest of the room. "Come and take a look at this."

Curious, everyone else crowds around Tenten and peers at the cup.

"Where did that come from?" asks Asuma sensei.

"I tried to summon my cup of punch over here," explains Tenten, "but this cup appeared instead. My cup is still over there on the punch table."

"Interesting," says Kakashi sensei. "Most fuuinjutsu students summon something from a parallel dimension at some point, but not usually when they are trying to summon something to them from across the room. Has this happened before?"

Tenten tells Kakashi sensei about Sasuke's lunch.

"Try sending the cup back," suggests Karin, poking at the cup of punch.

Tenten puts the cup back into the centre of the seal and tries to send it back. Nothing happens to the Pikachu cup, but Tenten's original cup of punch disappears off the punch table. Tenten sighs. "I'm not sure I should use this seal," she says. "For all I know, I might summon something terrible or really mess up someone's day by stealing their food accidently."

"Hey, at least you still have a cup of punch," says Shin, smiling. "You might as well drink it."

Tenten does so and pulls a face. "I think that was alcoholic punch," she says.

Tsunade snatches the cup and sniff it. "Smells like someone spiked that punch with my favourite sake." Then Tsunade pulls out a bottle of her favourite sake, heads over to the punch bowl and tips it in. "Drink up, everyone!" she orders. "This party is too quiet!"

"You are right!" agrees Neji, heading over to the buffet table, grabbing a bowl and filling it with the most sugary things on the table. Once the bowl is full, he hands it to Shisui. "Eat up, we need some excitement!"

"No, no, no…" Hinata makes a dive for the bowl.

"Neji!" says Naruto, tossing Neji a bottle of sake, which he could only have gotten from Tsunade. "Catch!"

Hinata stops in her tracks and turns to look at Neji, horror written all over her face.

Neji starts drinking the sake.

Shisui starts shovelling the sugar into his mouth.

Gai sensei and Kakashi dive to take the sake and sugar away.

Gai sensei grabs the sake, spilling some on the floor as he pulls the bottle out of Neji's hands. Kakashi sensei grabs the bowl of junk food, and slides across the floor, away from Shisui.

There is a moment of absolute stillness and silence.

Then Neji rips off his shirt with a chesty roar, skids over to the buffet table and starts using the various dips and sauces as war paint. He drags fingers dipped in tomato sauce across his cheeks to make stripes and then starts drawing more complex patterns on his chest and arms with the dips.

And all the while, Shisui is just standing there, looking down at his hands as if he is trying to figure out why there is no junk food in them anymore. Then Shisui sniffs, tears welling up in his eyes. "My food…"

Naruto pulls out a violin and says, "It's time for some DANCING! Also, Kakashi sensei, give Shisui back his food, 'tebayo. He's already high, so it doesn't matter."

"Tenten, you shall dance with me!" Neji announces, sweeping Tenten out into the middle of the room as Naruto starts playing a lively waltz.

Kakashi sensei sighs and gives Shisui back the bowl of junk food. Shisui's face lights up and he starts stuffing his face with a happy, and rather stupid, expression on his face.

Asuma sensei starts dancing with Kurenai sensei, grinning like he just won first prize.

"COME ON, EVERYONE!" Yells Naruto. "START DANCING, 'TEBAYO!"

Ino drags Sai onto the dance floor. Madoka bows gracefully before offering his hand to Karin and leading her onto the dance floor. Kiba starts dancing Akamaru around like a moron. Tsunade grabs Tonton from Shizune's arms and starts spinning the pig around the room. Karin's mum grabs Shin and forces him to dance with her.

And then Neji and Shisui start doing some kind of wild war dance together. Shisui appears to be finished his junk food and is now also shirtless and painted in condiments. Naruto changes his tune to something more dramatic and warlike. Tenten, who was waltzing with Neji until the second he decided to do a war dance, is so flabbergasted she finds herself joining in. Tsunade, Okami san and Shizune join in, adding their own war cries to the mix. Neji jumps up on a chair, holding up the bottle of sake Gai sensei was holding a second ago. He lets out another war cry and downs the rest of the bottle.

The door to the room they are partying in crashes open and three very unhappy Hyuugas march into the room. Tenten recognizes them as high-standing members of the Main branch. "What is going on here?" demands the most severe-looking of the trio.

"We're having a party!" roars Neji, clenching his fists and planting one foot on the table beside him and the chair he is standing on. "Now join in or GET OUT!"

"You dare raise your voice to me?" the Hyuuga marches towards Neji, angry beyond reason. He does not seem to realize that there are many powerful shinobi in the room who can and will stand up for Neji.

"W-we have permission to have this party!" says Hinata, a little nervously, but rather firmly.

"You be quiet!" snaps the angry Hyuuga.

"SHOW SOME RESPECT TO THE HEIRESS!" roars Neji, activating his byakugan. "KNOW YOUR PLACE!"

"You are the one who does not know your place!" snaps the Hyuuga, making angry strides towards Neji. Everyone in the room except the other two intruders plants themselves between Neji and the angry Hyuuga clansman.

"Watch yourself," says Gai sensei sternly. "If you lay a finger on my student, I will unleash my wrath upon you."

"Even though I'm not a ninja," says Shisui, pointing right at the Hyuuga's nose. "I'll pretend like I am and kick your butt!"

Tenten sniggers. Shisui is wearing his forehead protector, after all. He is obviously a ninja.

Neji laughs triumphantly. "I have permission to host this party, despite the Clan's No Party Rule. I have friends who will stand by me. _You cannot touch me._ "

The Hyuuga's face darkens. "Yes I can." He raises two fingers in the Half-Ram seal.

"NO!" Hinata lunges forward and tries to stop him.

Neji just keeps laughing.

"No, stop!" Hinata pulls on the man's arm. "Leave him alone!"

The Hyuuga twists his face with immense effort.

"Haha," Naruto laughs. "You look like you're pooping."

Neji jumps down off his chair and swaggers drunkenly up to the Hyuuga. "How about you stop making that stupid face?" he says.

"Why isn't it working?" demands the Hyuuga.

Naruto laughs his 'I'm up to no good' laugh. "Neji just spent a few months with three seal masters, dattebayo."

"What?" demands the Hyuuga, lowering his hand, an expression of realization dawning on his face.

Grinning, Neji takes off his forehead protector.

Tenten gasps in shock, a little squeal escaping as well. Neji's Caged Bird Seal is gone. "Neji…" Tenten covers her mouth with her hand.

"This clan is scum for what we did to the seal gifted to us," Neji says. "A seal was made by an Uzumaki sealmaster. He called it the Hidden Bird Seal. It was designed to destroy all traces of kekkei genkai and doujutsu upon the death of the wearer. It was originally a gift for the Uchiha clan, and they chose to share it with us. If you want to know why the Uchiha hate the Hyuuga and why Pantsu Uzumaki went rogue, look no further than the Caged Bird Seal! The travesty the Hyuuga Clan turned Grandfather Pantsu's seal into. While we were on our tour of the Whirlpool Temples, Iruka sensei, Naruto and Grandfather Pantsu worked their arses off to remove the Caged Bird Seal from me. And now…" Neji starts molding chakra. A seal appears on his skin. It looks similar to the caged bird seal, but the design in the centre is different. "This is the Hidden Bird Seal."

"I have one of those too, now!" says Shisui, bouncing up and down excitedly. He takes off his forehead protector and shows everyone his Hidden Bird Seal. "Now no one can steal my eyes!" Shisui goes cross-eyes. "Ooooh, I feel funny." He falls face first onto the floor.

Neji points and laughs at Shisui, then falls face first onto the floor himself. "I'm a loaf of bread," says Neji.

"He's drunk, isn't he?" says one of the other two Hyuuga interlopers.

"Whoooo's druunk!?" demands Lee, shakily pushing his way through the crowd to get to the Hyuuga. "I'm not DRUUUNK! I'll FIGHT you!"

"OH S***!" swears Gai sensei. "Lee got at the punch!"

"Best birthday ever," grins Madoka.


	171. Filler Time Again!

"This is the first fuuinjutsu book," says Naruto, pulling out a battered book with the Uzumaki Clan symbol on the cover. He slaps it on the table in front of Sasuke. "You have to learn how to do all the stuff in the first book before you start the second one, then you just kinda learn from both until you pass the Level Two test."

"What's the Level One test?" asks Sasuke, frowning. The book is so stained and faded that she cannot tell what colour it was originally. The Uzumaki symbol is strangely unaffected by whatever it is that discoloured the rest of the cover.

"There isn't one," says Naruto, shrugging. "You just have to be able to use fuuinjutsu. Not everyone can, 'tebayo."

Sasuke's face twitches. "Then the test is being able to use fuuinjutsu." she says, her teeth gritted in frustration.

"No," says Naruto, glaring at Sasuke. "It's not a test, it's just a thing!"

"TEST!" yells Eizo, running over to Sasuke and Naruto. They are at Sasuke's house because she is still grounded and not allowed out, meaning Eizo is around.

"See," says Sasuke, making the most of things. "Eizo agrees with me."

"It's not really a test, it's a thing," says Naruto. "If you can use fuuinjutsu, you can learn it and congratulations, you are level one. There's no test, 'tebayo."

"Don't you TEST whether or not someone can use fuuinjutsu, though?" asks Sasuke, picking a fight because a fight can be picked.

"Not really," says Naruto. "If you don't get the stuff in the first book, you'll never reach level two, so it doesn't matter if we test you or not, 'tebayo."

Sasuke sighs. "Let's just start learning."

"Yes!" grins Naruto, pulling out a stack of paper and a handful of pens. "So first you just use a normal pen. You have to use ink all the time."

"What if I make a mistake?" asks Sasuke, puffing out her cheek.

"Then you activate the seal anyway," says Naruto seriously. "Otherwise you won't know what you did wrong, or why it was wrong, 'tebayo. There are no takebacksies with fuuinjutsu."

"DRAW!" yells Eizo, reaching up and grabbing a sheet of paper off the table. The entire stack falls down on top of him. Eizo laughs. "Draw!"

"Hey, we need those!" protests Naruto, trying to gather up all the paper.

"Eizo, go away and leave us alone!" says Sasuke. They have to get rid of him before he makes even more mess.

Eizo snatches back the paper that Naruto picked up off the floor and throws it all in the air again. "Fly!" Eizo laughs.

"No, Eizo, give us the paper back!" Naruto protests, trying to grab all the sheets of paper and put them out of Eizo's reach.

Eizo strays within the reach of Sasuke's right arm so she grabs him and pulls him onto her lap. "Let's take him to my parents,' says Sasuke. "They will know how to keep him away from us."

"LET GO!" yells Eizo, struggling against Sasuke.

Sasuke squeals in pain when Eizo hits her left arm. "Stop that!" she says. "You're hurting me." She turns her most fierce glare on Eizo.

Eizo's face crumples and he starts crying.

"What is going on in here?" Sasuke's Mum appears in the doorway, a concerned expression on her face.

"Eizo is being annoying," says Sasuke, scowling.

"I'm trying to teach Sasuke fuuinjutsu," says Naruto, crossing his arms and scowling. "But Eizo is being loud and throwing all our paper around the room, 'tebayo."

Sasuke's Mum walks over to Sasuke's wheelchair and takes Eizo out of Sasuke's lap.

Sasuke's Dad appears in the doorway. "What's all the racket about?" he asks. "I'm trying to do some paperwork."

"Daddy!" yells Eizo. "Daddy, Daddy, Daddy!"

"Mr. Nice Hokage, can we study at my house? Eizo is too loud!" says Naruto, pointing at Eizo, who is still making noise.

Sasuke can see her Dad making his 'I am about to say no' face.

"Sorry, can you repeat that Naruto?" says Sasuke's Mum, raising her voice over Eizo, who is now blowing raspberries. "Eizo is making so much noise I couldn't hear you."

"I CAN'T TEACH SASUKE FUUINJUTSU WITH EIZO AROUND, DATTBAYO!" yells Naruto. "CAN WE STUDY AT MY HOUSE INSTEAD?"

"Sasuke is allowed out for training under special circumstances," says Sasuke's Mum, her voice at a normal volume. Naruto's shouting surprised Eizo into shutting up. "What do you say, Fugaku?"

Sasuke's Dad has his resting face back on. No, wait, he's actually disappointed right now. That's gonna get confusing. "Sasuke," he says sternly. "Are you serious about learning fuuinjutsu, or is this just a project to kill time while you are recovering?"

Sasuke frowns a little, adopting her own stern expression. "I want to be as powerful as Madara himself. He knew fuuinjutsu, so I will learn fuuinjutsu. Being in this annoying chair just means I have more time to start learning, because it is one of the few kinds of training I can do."

Sasuke's Dad strokes his mustache thoughtfully. "Naruto," Sasuke's Dad says, still very stern. "You may teach Sasuke at your house only as long as one of your Grandparents is around to make sure Sasuke does not break the rules of her grounding, understand?"

Naruto screws up his face and tips his head to one side. "Not really," he says. "Why does it have to be Grandma and Grandpa? What about Iruka-nii and Pervy Sage?"

"Iruka is busy helping us unlock the Sacred Scrolls' secrets," says Sasuke's Dad. "And I do not trust Jiraiya to make sure Sasuke follows the rules of her grounding."

Sasuke pulls a face. There go her hopes of flaunting the grounding sentence by way of Jiraiya. Not that she had any to begin with.

* * *

Kazama is blissfully eating chocolate cake and enjoying the quiet. The two hippies went back to their hippie town and most of Kurama's Guards are out sightseeing. Kimiko is at the Academy, Jiraiya is helping Iruka figure out the Whirlpool's Sacred Scroll, and Arashi is writing his report for the Hokage. Namiko is outside playing in the dirt with one of Kurama's Guards keeping an eye one her. Naruto is out training. All is peaceful and quiet.

"I'm home, 'tebayo!" Naruto calls out, crashing through the front door.

There goes the quiet. "Welcome home," calls Kazama, with a sigh.

Kazama hears some clatter in the hallway, and then Naruto appears pushing a wheelchair with his team mate Sasuke in it. "Hey Grandma!" Naruto says, grinning. "I've brought Sasuke here so I can teach her fuuinjutsu. It's too noisy at her house."

Kazama freezes with a piece of cake halfway to her mouth.

Naruto brought a girl home.

A girl that is not Hinata.

And Naruto is teaching that girl fuuinjutsu.

Naruto and Sasuke argue a lot, but they also seem to like each other a lot. Is it possible that Kazama was wrong, and that Naruto will marry Sasuke, and not Hinata?

Calming herself, Kazama says, "Hello Sasuke."

"Oh...um...hello," says Sasuke, blushing shyly.

"Mr. Nice Hokage said to give you this letter," says Naruto, pulling out a folded piece of paper and handing it to Kazama. "'Cause Sasuke is grounded she's gotta follow a bunch of stupid rules while she's here, otherwise she won't be allowed to come, 'tebayo."

Kazama takes the letter and reads through it. It basically says that Sasuke is not allowed out, not allowed to watch TV and she can't be left alone in the house (partly because of her injuries, and partly because she is grounded). Fugaku also requests that either Arashi or Kazama herself be the ones to supervise Naruto and Sasuke, because Fugaku doesn't trust Jiraiya, and Iruka is going to be very busy until the scrolls are solved. Other than that, Fugaku thanks Kazama for putting up with the two tweens who are much less manageable together. Should they prove too much, Kazama is welcome to return them, and the pair will just have to put up with Eizo. Kazama sighs again. "Do you two already know the conditions for you being able to study here?" she asks.

"Yes, 'tebayo!" says Naruto. "We are going to learn so much fuuinjutsu."

"Good," says Kazama, getting up from the table. "I will go and tell your Grandfather what is happening." Kazama heads to Arashi's study, taking the cake with her. Once she arrives in the study, Kazama hands Arashi the cake and the note without saying anything and leaves.

Then she stands in the hall and waits.

"WHAAAAT?!" Arashi runs out of the study and grabs Kazama by the shoulder. "Naruto is teaching Sasuke fuuinjutsu?" he whispers, his eyes wide. "But...but...Hinata…"

"Try not to freak out," Kazama whispers back. "They can smell fear."

"But the tradition…." whispers Arashi. The tradition he speaks of is the Whirlpool tradition. For someone to marry into the Uzumaki clan, they must be at least Advanced Level in fuuinjutsu. Usually the person the outsider is marrying or a close relative from the Uzumaki clan will teach the outsider fuuinjutsu. Kushina's mother taught Minato fuuinjutsu, but Naruto does not have any immediate Uzumaki family to teach whoever he marries.

But now Naruto is teaching a girl fuuinjutsu, and he has not yet even considered teaching Hinata.

"It might not be what it looks like…" says Kazama, hoping Hinata won't try to murder Naruto.

"They are kids," says Arashi. "Kids have crushes and date and then break up...maybe it will come to nothing…"

"Let's just eat the rest of that cake," sighs Kazama.


	172. Hell is Unleashed

Hinata and Sparkles' newest customer is being difficult. "No, I do not have two unicorns the same colour," Hinata says patiently. "You can either have a pink unicorn or a purple unicorn. If you want two, you get one pink and one purple." Inside, Hinata is yelling at the man that he is lucky she even has unicorns in the first place. To say that out loud might mean losing business, so Hinata is holding her tongue.

"It says on your flier that you can also provide a fairy," the man says. "What about two fairies?"

Usually, Hinata or Hanabi is the fairy. Although, recently, Hanabi has been the fairy because Hinata is getting too old. Most people want a smallish fairy. "Well, yes."

"Is it a real fairy, or a little girl in a fairy costume?" asks the man, frowning.

"Girl in a costume," sighs Hinata, expecting protests.

"Good, then you can get two matching fairies for me?" says the man, surprising Hinata. "If the unicorns don't match, then I want two little girls, about five or six, with the same or similar hair colour. Put one in pink and one in purple to match the unicorns. I want them to be about the same height too, and their outfits have to be fluffy and delicate."

Relieved, Hinata pulls out a notebook and starts writing down what the man is saying. When he is finished, she says, "I hope you realize this will put the price up significantly. I will need to make completely new costumes and outsource the fairies."

"I will pay any price," says the customer. "Provided you meet all my requirements. My daughter's wedding will be PERFECT."

Hinata looks at what the requirements the customer has laid out so far and sees yen signs. She is sure there is a cash register being opened and closed somewhere nearby. Just like that, all the man's rudeness is forgiven. "Let's go over the details one more time to check that I have them right…"

* * *

When she is finished dealing with her customer, Hinata heads off to Team Training. Where is she going to get two five-six year old girls with similar hair and height? Maybe Hinata's Team will be able to help.

"Hi, Hinata!" Hinata hears Naruto's voice nearby.

Hinata looks around, but doesn't see him.

"Up here!" Naruto says with a laugh.

Hinata looks up at the sky and sees Naruto floating above her. A clone of Naruto is floating beside Naruto with a wheelchair in his arms. Naruto himself is carrying Sasuke quite gently in his arms. Hinata frowns in annoyance. "Hello Naruto," she says. There better be a good explanation for this. "Hi Sasuke."

"So what are you doing today?" asks Naruto, grinning. "And how's Moonbeam settling in?"

"Oh," says Hinata, tearing her glare away from Sasuke. "We have a new contract. The customer wanted matching unicorns, but I told him that's a no-can-do. So he asked for two matching fairies. You wouldn't happen to know two five-six year old girls with similar hair who are about the same height?" Maybe Naruto does know. Or maybe he could ask Iruka sensei. Iruka sensei know a lot of kids from the Academy.

Naruto screws his face up thinking. Then he grins. "I do! Burifu and Namiko! They are about the same height and Namiko's five and Burifu is six. I'll ask them for you once I've dropped Sasuke off back home. I've been teaching Sasuke fuuinjutsu at my house because her house is too loud, 'tebayo."

"I'll see you later," says Hinata, stiffly. She turns and marches away, thinking of what Shikamaru said about Naruto and Sasuke. If Naruto is teaching Sasuke fuuinjutsu, it must be because he wants to marry her someday. It seems Shikamaru is right.

That Sasuke! Trying to steal Naruto off Hinata!

* * *

Shikamaru and Choji raise their heads as they feel a strange chilling sensation.

"What's the matter?" asks Ino, from the other side of the training ground, where she is sparring with Asuma sensei.

Choji and Shikamaru, who where sparring until they felt that chilling sensation, turn to face the other half of their team.

"A feel a strange disturbance," says Choji gravely. "As if some great and terrible force was just unleashed upon the world.

"What are you talking about?" asks Asuma sensei, bemused.

"Troublesome," says Shikamaru, sticking his hands in his pockets. "It seems like hell is descending."

* * *

"Is something wrong, Sasuke?" Kazama asks Sasuke the next day. Sasuke is at Naruto's house learning fuuinjutsu again, and Kazama apparently noticed that something is bothering Sasuke.

Glad that Kazama waited until Naruto left to use the toilet, Sasuke says, "We met Hinata yesterday, and I think she's mad at me."

Kazama looks incredibly confused. "You don't know?" she asks. "Hinata likes Naruto, and she's jealous of you."

"But...she's Naruto's best friend," says Sasuke. "There's no reason for her to be jealous."

"No, Sasuke. Hinata LIKES Naruto," says Kazama, putting a lot more emphasis on the 'likes' that last time. "She has a _crush_ on him!"

Sasuke's eyes widen. "Oh...no wonder she was glaring at me like I'm the devil incarnate." Something occurs to Sasuke. "Does she think I'm learning fuuinjutsu for...the Tradition…" Sasuke does not want to even say the word 'marriage'.

"Most likely," says Kazama, nodding. For some reason she looks relieved. "Maybe you should clear things up with her." Kazama pauses before adding, "Just try to do it without Naruto around or it will get really awkward."

Naruto reappears saying, "What's awkward, 'tebayo?"

"Your face," says Sasuke.

" _Your_ face is awkward!" counters Naruto.

"Your insults are awkward!"

"Calm down, you two," says Kazama. "You are here to study fuuinjutsu, not insult each other."

"Hmph!" Sasuke and Naruto turn their heads away from each other and stick their chins in the air.

Now that they have their daily argument out of their systems, Naruto and Sasuke study fuuinjutsu with great fervour. It is only her second day, but Sasuke is beginning to grasp the basic concepts in the book. It is not hard - Naruto can do it, after all - but it is complicated. It is just confusing enough that someone whose brain is wired wrong (like Naruto) would be able to understand it. Naruto is having to explain it in several different ways before Sasuke understands any of the sealing theory in the book, and this is only chapter one.

Two little kids wander inside. Sasuke remembers seeing the chubby one the day before, but they did not speak. The other one looks insane.

"Burifu is here, Naruto-niisan," says the chubby one.

"Who's she?" asks the insane one.

"This is Sasuke," says Naruto. "She's my teammate, and I'm teaching her fuuinjutsu, 'tebayo. Sasuke, this is Burifu, she's my cousin or something. We're both Uzumakis."

"Sasuke, have you been introduced to Namiko yet?" asks Kazama.

Sasuke shakes her head.

"Namiko is Iruka-nii's kid," says Naruto.

"I'm Namiko," says the chubby one, pointing at her chest.

"Hi," says Sasuke, wondering how long it will take the two brats to leave.

Namiko trots up to the table and looks at the fuuinjutsu book. "I still don't get this bit," she says, pointing to the part Naruto was just trying to explain to Sasuke. "Nagato sensei keeps trying to use food to explain it, and I don't get it."

"Hello, kids!" Jiraiya burst into the room like he expects everyone to be glad to see him.

"Oh, Hi Pervy Sage," says Naruto. "We're just studying some fuuinjutsu."

"Sasuke and Namiko don't understand page four," says Burifu, pointing at the book. "But Namiko's already at Advanced Level, so she should."

Jiraiya stares at Namiko in disbelief. "How did you get to Advanced Level without knowing about chakra pulsing?"

"Wait, what?" Sasuke pulls the book towards herself and reads the page again. "This is chakra pulsing?"

"Yes," says Jiraiya. "Some seals only require a short burst of chakra to work, as opposed to constantly channeling chakra into them. Most people have no trouble pouring endless amounts of chakra into their jutsu. But people like Naruto who have a lot of chakra and not a lot of control need to learn to send short, controlled bursts into their jutsu." then he frowns. "But that doesn't answer my question!" he says. "How did Namiko reach Advanced Level without knowing this?"

"I passed the Level Two test," says Namiko. "And then I invented a jutsu. BUT I STILL CAN'T DO PAGE FOUR!" Namiko starts crying in frustration, and Sasuke is half tempted to drop her out the window.

"It's simple," says Jiraiya. He grabs a pen and two sheets of paper from Naruto and Sasuke's stash and draws the same seal on both sheets of paper. He gives one to Sasuke and one to Namiko. "Send some chakra into the seal and then stop sending chakra into the seal."

"OH!" Namiko's face lights up. "This is what Daddy showed me in the maze! I can do this...I think…" She screws up her face in concentration and pours some chakra into the seal. As soon as she cuts off the flow of chakra, the seal in Namiko's hands lights up. "It's the torch seal!" Namiko grins.

Sasuke turns her attention to her own seal. Thankfully, she knows how to do this because Kakashi sensei taught her after she got annoyed at Madoka and Naruto knowing when she herself did not. It takes Sasuke a second and very little effort to activate the seal.

"If you need help, come and find me," says Jiraiya, patting Naruto on the head. "I'm one of the best seal masters alive."

"Are you a master?" asks Naruto. "Or are you just really good?"

"Both!" Jiraiya grins proudly. "I passed my master's test, although I haven't tried to boss around the shinigami again."

Naruto laughs.


	173. This Has Gone on Long Enough

"So how are these two?" Hinata asks her customer.

The customer regards Burifu and Namiko, stroking his chin in thoughtfulness. "Put the long haired one in pink and the short haired one in purple. And can you curl their hair and put flower crowns on their heads? Pink and purple to match their dresses, of course."

"Of course," says Hinata. "Do you want real flowers or clever imitations that won't wilt?"

"Imitations, I think," says the customer. "And I'll leave it up to you to choose what flowers you think are best." He bends down so he is closer to Burifu and Namiko's eye level. "What are your names, hm?"

"I'm Burifu Uzumaki!" says Burifu, grinning like a wild thing.

"My name is Namiko Terumi," says Namiko gravely.

"So you will be little fairies at my daughter's wedding," says the customer. "Are you excited?"

"I like weddings!" says Burifu. "I've been to lots 'cause I have so many aunties and uncles and big brothers and sisters and cousins and they all get married to random people. I don't know where they find the people they marry though…"

"I've never been to a wedding," says Namiko, her eyes wide. "I hope one day I can go to my parents' wedding…"

"I think your mum hopes that too!" laughs Burifu.

The customer straightens up and whispers to Hinata, "What does she mean by wanting to go to her parents' wedding? Are her parents not married?"

"One night stand," Hinata whispers back. "Her Dad only just found out about her, and now her mum wants in her Dad's pants again."

"Oh, right," says the customer. "Well, I'll see you on the wedding day. Good bye." He bows and leaves the office part of the unicorn house, where Hinata held the meeting.

"Alright, girls," says Hinata. "Let's get you measured up for your costumes. Follow me."

"Are we getting any money for this?" asks Namiko boldly.

"Yes you are," says Hinata, taking some papers out of a drawer. "Which reminds me: I need the two of you to sign these documents, and since you are so young, I need you to take these documents to a parent or caregiver - like a grandparent or someone who looks after you - for them to sign. Understand?"

"I have ta sign this," says Burifu, slapping her hand down on one document. "And I have ta get Mummy or Daddy ta sign this."

"Exactly," says Hinata, nodding.

"Should I get Daddy to sign my one?" asks Namiko, picking up the papers.

"Yes, please do," says Hinata nodding. "Now I will measure you and take you back to Naruto's house, alright? Bring me the forms tomorrow."

* * *

Once she has measured the two little girls, Hinata walks them back to Naruto's house. Burifu arrived back in the Leaf the previous day, the day after Hinata saw Naruto flying Sasuke home. Naruto never flies Hinata anywhere. Hinata feels a stab of jealousy. Just who does Sasuke think she is, taking up all of Naruto's time and attention since the chunin exams. And now the little piece of s*** has the cheek to ask Naruto to teach her fuuinjutsu! Hinata has a few things to say to Sasuke.

Once they arrive at Naruto's house, Hinata, Namiko and Burifu just march right in after waving to one of Kurama's Guards, who is outside sketching. They find Naruto sitting at the dining table, once again studying fuuinjutsu with Sasuke.

Hinata grits her teeth. "Hi Naruto," she says. "Hi Sasuke." Hinata pours as much venom as she can into Sasuke's name.

"Oh, hi Hinata," says Naruto, grinning. Then he cocks his head to one side. "Are you and Sasuke mad at eachother?"

"No," says Sasuke, shooting Hinata a pointed glare. Hinata reads the glare as: not around Naruto, stupid!

"Oh, that's alright then," says Naruto, sighing in relief. "I better take Sasuke home before her curfew, or Mr. nice Hokage won't let her come here to learn fuuinjutsu anymore."

"I'll do it," says Hinata,seizing her chance. "You make sure Burifu gets those documents signed and safely back to me."

"I'll take those," says Naruto, taking the forms off Burifu. "We don't want something to happen to them, 'tebayo."

Hinata grabs Sasuke's wheelchair and pushes it stiffly out. "See you tomorrow."

"Bye Stupid," says Sasuke.

"Bye!" Naruto calls after them, all cheerful and happy.

The exact opposite of Hinata.

Hinata pushes Sasuke through town in silence. Once they get to the long stretch of empty land between the main part of the village and the Uchiha compound, Hinata wedges Sasuke's wheelchair in a bush.

"Hinata…" Sasuke tries to say something, but Hinata interrupts.

"What are you up to?" Hinata demands. "Hogging all of Naruto's time. Learning fuuinjutsu at his house."

"We're studying at his house because my baby brother is annoying!" snaps Sasuke.

"What about hogging all his time, eh?" Hinata demands, grabbing Sasuke's chair and shoving it further back into the bush. "Care to explain THAT?"

"I am in a WHEELCHAIR!" shouts Sasuke, pushing Hinata away. "Do you think I have a lot of choice who I hang around?"

"And yet Naruto still spends most of his free time with YOU!" Hinata shouts back. "He used to spend it with ME!"

"Oh so you're jealous, is that it?" shouts Sasuke. "JEALOUS! JEALOUS! JEALOUS! I never ASKED Naruto to hang around me like a bad smell! Which he is, by the way!"

Hinata slaps Sasuke across the face. "DON'T YOU DARE INSULT NARUTO, YOU LITTLE HUSSY!"

Sasuke grabs Hinata's side fringe and pulls hard. "I AM NOT A HUSSY, YOU DIP S***!"

Hinata grabs Sasuke's hair and pulls just as hard. "NARUTO IS MINE, DO YOU UNDERSTAND? MINE!"

"OH YEAH?" Yells Sasuke, kneeing Hinata with her uninjured leg. "AND WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I WANT HIM?"

"OH, YOU WANNA KNOW WHY?" Hinata yanks Sasuke's hair harder. "MAYBE IT HAS SOMETHING TO DO WITH THE FACT HE'S TEACHING YOU FUUINJUTSU AFTER RISKING HIS LIFE TO SAVE YOURS!"

"WHAT'S THE MATTER, SCARED OF THE FRIENDZONE?" demands Sasuke, grabbing a fistful of Hinata's hair and yanking it so hard Hinata screams in pain. "I'M NOT! IT'S WHERE I AM RIGHT NOW!"

"SO YOU DO LIKE NARUTO!" yells Hinata, triumphantly, grabbing a fist-ful of Sasuke's hair in each hand and yanking hard.

"AHH!" Sasuke yelps. "NO! I AM TALKING ABOUT SHINO! I LIKE SHINO! NOW LET GO OF ME!"

Hinata is so shocked that she just stares at Sasuke, her hands still full of Sasuke's hair.

Sasuke looks just as shocked. She slowly lets go of Hinata's hair and says calmly. "If you tell anyone I like Shino I will find you and turn your insides into soup and then feed the soup to Akamaru."

Hinata lets go of Sasuke's hair and pulls her wheelchair out of the bush. "So you don't like Naruto?"

"He's like an annoying brother but worse," says Sasuke, grumpily. "You can have him."

"And he isn't into you?" says Hinata, slowly.

"As far as I can tell he's already decided he's going to marry you one day," says Sasuke, shrugging. "You better get Iruka sensei to teach you fuuinjutsu."

Hinata scowls in annoyance. "And you didn't think to mention this before the hair pulling?"

Sasuke rolls her eyes."Oh come on, that was fun."

Hinata laughs, and Sasuke joins in. It seems Shikamaru was wrong.

"I am going to punch Shikamaru next time I see him," says Hinata, pulling an angry face. "This is all his fault."

"Let me guess: he said childhood friend equals friendzoned and everyone knows twelve year olds who argue will end up married?" says Sasuke, puffing out her cheek.

"Yes."

"Kill him. I'm still hoping that rule is not true."

"I'll try and figure out if Shino is into you," says Hinata.

"Thanks."

The two girls look at each other and then burst into uncontrollable laughter.

* * *

Hiashi and Fugaku are on the way home from their sparring match when they hear the unmistakable sound of a fight between teenage girls. After exchanging a concerned glance, the two overpowered shinobi sneak over to investigate. Once they are close enough, Hiashi and Fugaku see Hinata and Sasuke shouting and pulling each other's hair.

"What in the Elemental Nations…?" says Hiashi, creeping closer. "Is that my kid in a cat fight with your kid?"

"Yes it is," says Fugaku, not quite believing his eyes. Sasuke, acting like a girl her age? Unbelievable! "And they're arguing over a boy, too!"

"I'm not sure if I should be horrified or proud," says Hiashi, wide eyed.

Fairly soon the fight is over, with Sasuke admitting to liking Shino and Hinata learning that Naruto does want to marry her.

"If I had known having teenage girls involved this much drama," says Fugaku, thinking of how Itachi is pregnant and Sasuke is fighting with other girls over boys. "I would have had sons."


	174. Eizo-Mori's Sandwich

**AN: New Arc, New Summary. Enjoy. Also we feel we should mention to you that I was the one to come up with the idea for this story and Cyrro kinda went crazy with the writing and now it's damn massive. ~Ignis Dracorex**

 **The Story So Far…**

Our story began many years ago, when a a teenaged Iruka took in a stray Naruto. The events that followed had a lasting impact upon the Hidden Leaf, and even other Hidden Villages. Danzo was none too happy about such a young genin taking care of the Leaf's jinchuuriki, so he tried to have Iruka killed. Mei came to Iruka's rescue with the help of Wind and Rain, the ever-mysterious pair who work for Akatsuki. Instead of Iruka dying, Danzo did - he was executed for treason on multiple counts. Naruto and Hinata set off a chain of events that led to the Uchiha Clan's survival and Fugaku growing a mustache.

Iruka did his best to care for Naruto and teach him fuuinjutsu, but Naruto ended up floating. Then Minato's parents appeared, seemingly out of nowhere. They took in Naruto and Iruka, but Kazama was not happy about taking in Iruka. After an explosive argument over Naruto, Iruka left in a hurry and went on a mission to help himself calm down. He ended up going down in the Temple of Joe with Mei, an act Joe's followers would approve of , Mei took the Sacred Scroll from the Temple - the very artifact Iruka went there to retrieve. After the mission, Iruka made up with Kazama, who then adopted him as her son.

Time passed and Naruto graduated from the Academy. His first C-Rank mission with his new team turned into an A Rank, but Naruto soon made friends with his new enemies. After Zabuza and Haku left to join Akatsuki, Wind and Rain dropped by to return a stolen scroll to the Leaf by entrusting it to Naruto. Naruto wasted no time in learning the Multi Shadow Clone Jutsu.

And then the chunin exams arrived, and with them came new friends like Gaara, Temari and Kankuro. Kabuto also proved to be a friend after he helped Wind, Okami, Karin and a Hidden Rain ANBU called Turtle save Sasuke's life. Rain saved Lord Third from Orochimaru, but did not make him end the reanimation jutsu first. Now the Hidden Leaf has the First and Second Hokages around to draw wisdom from. Fugaku awakened rinnegan from the pain of believe his daughter to be dead, and Itachi awakened Mangekyou sharingan, although due to her pregnancy, she has yet to test their true power.

Determined to save Sasuke, who is in danger of dying any day, Naruto took Jiraiya on a trip to find the greatest healer of all: Tsunade Senju. They found her, but Zetsu and a strange man in a mask tried to stop them from taking Tsunade back to the Leaf. They wanted her power to aid their cause. Jiraiya's illegitimate child appeared in the Leaf while they were away, as did Nagato, Yahiko and Konan. Nagato is now the leader of the Hidden Rain, and Yahiko leads Akatsuki. When Naruto and Jiraiya returned with Tsunade, Sasuke was saved, and Fugaku became the Fifth Hokage. As a result of Fugaku's ascension to the rank of Kage, Rasa stepped down as Kazekage and Gaara took his place.

After facing down the King of the Moon, Hiashi Hyuuga became the Moon King. Sick of how his son was getting pushed around by the rest of the Hyuuga clan, Hizashi sent Neji on a mission with Iruka and Naruto. With Shisui as their fourth member, Team Iruka set out on a mission to protect Arashi as he attempted to unravel the mystery behind the Hidden Whirlpool's destruction - a mystery no one else believed was even there. They visited each of the four Shinigami Temples in turn, and became members of the Order of Steve. The Leader and his heir accompanied Team Iruka after their induction into the Order. At the second Temple, Naruto accidentally became the Leader of the Order of Jashin mere seconds after becoming a Master of Fuuinjutsu.

In the ruins of the Hidden Whirlpool, they fought Sasori, who admitted to destroying the Whirlpool with his Dance of One Hundred Puppets technique: a technique that fills the air with inescapable, deadly poison. Shisui and Arashi killed Sasori before he could unleash that poison. After Sasori was defeated, the Order of Joe appeared and proved themselves the most twisted of the four Orders. A member of an ancient organization called Kurama's Guards appeared and chased away the Order of Joe with ninshu. Team Iruka parted ways with Sei and headed to the Order of Dave and their village, Gravity Fails. There they met Nagato, Mei and Namiko - Iruka and Mei's child who was conceived because neither of her parents brought condoms to the Temple of Joe. Iruka and Namiko retrieved the Sacred Scroll from the Temple of Joe. But while they were inside the maze surrounding the Temple, Zetsu attacked Team Iruka, and the Masked Man attacked Mei and Nagato. Caught off guard and unprepared for such enemies, the two groups nearly lost. But then Sei returned with the rest of Kurama's Guards, and saved Team Iruka at the last minute. Team Iruka and Kurama's Guards arrived just in time to save Mei and Nagato, chasing away the Masked Man before Namiko and Iruka even emerged from the maze.

The three groups returned to the Hidden Leaf, where they handed over the Sacred Scroll from the Temple of Dave, and the Sacred Scroll from the Temple of Joe to Fugaku. Dave's Scroll seemed to be blank, so Fugaku assembled a team to unlock its secrets. Wind and Rain appeared in the Hidden Leaf and sent Nagato and Mei back to their respective Villages. Kazama convinced Mei to let Namiko stay in the Leaf for a while, and Kurama's Guards set up camp in Naruto's back yard. Despite how full his house was, Naruto still found it much quieter than Sasuke's. So when Sasuke asked Naruto to teach her fuuinjutsu, they took to studying at Naruto's house...

 **On with the Story...**

* * *

Fugaku sits down beside the security guard in the T&I department, and settles down to watch Eizo on the security cameras. Fugaku is taking a break from trying to figure out Dave's Scroll to watch Eizo do an interrogation. Fugaku needs to make sure that Eizo is not being exposed to anything dangerous or potentially scarring.

The security guard hold out a bag of popcorn. "Want some?" he asks. "This is gonna be good. This time, the whole interrogation will be set up like a normal interrogation until Eizo comes in. The prisoner won't realize it is part of the questioning."

Fugaku takes some popcorn and hopes that Itachi's baby is not as crazy as Eizo. It is eight weeks until Itachi's baby is due. They have been trying to crack that damned scroll for two months now, and all the time Itachi is getting closer to her due date. Where is the time going?

"Ooh, it's starting!" Says the security guard, excitedly hitting Fugaku's arm. "Here's Ibiki and his posse!" He fixes his eyes on the screen showing the camera footage from the interrogation cell and starts putting single pieces of popcorn into his mouth like he is watching the most intense thing ever.

Fugaku reaches over and turns up the volume.

The interrogation room is set up with a long table and two chairs. The prisoner is tied up in one of the chairs and positioned at the foot of the table. Ibiki enters, flanked by two intimidating shinobi, and sits down at the head of the table.

"Good morning," says Ibiki evenly. "Would you mind telling me where your gang's hideout is?"

"He's from that gang of thugs that's been attacking merchant caravans," says the security guard. "Once they've cracked him, you'll get a request for a team of shinobi to clear out the hideout."

"Oh great, more paperwork," says Fugaku,rolling his eyes.

"More popcorn?"

"Thanks."

"I'm not telling you anything!" says the prisoner defiantly.

"Now, be reasonable," says Ibiki. "I don't want to have to get rough with you."

"Do your worst!" says the prisoner, spitting on the table.

"I hope it does not have to come to that," says Ibiki calmly. "Now, w-"

The door to the interrogation room bangs open, interrupting Ibiki. Eizo marches in, a proud grin on his face. "I pooped in the potty!" Eizo declares. "And I even washed my hands all by myself!" Of course, to most people, Eizo's words would have sounded a lot like gibberish because he cannot form all of the words correctly. Fugaku, however understands perfectly because he lives with Eizo. "I'm ready for lunch now, Mr. Ibiki."

"Excuse me, I have to take this," says Ibiki, holding up a hand to the prisoner. "What would you like for lunch, Eizo?"

"Um…" Eizo trots up to Ibiki and climbs up onto Ibiki's lap, and then onto the table, listing off all the things he wants as he does so. "I want bread. I want juice box. I want chippies. I want mayo. I want pisgetti. I want prezzles. Um…"

"I think that's enough to start with, don't you?" says Ibiki, once Eizo runs out of ideas.

"Mm!" Nods Eizo, agreeing. "I wanna eat lunch here." Eizo sits down and pats the table.

"You," Ibiki points to one of his posse. "Get some bread, a juice box, a bag of chippies, some mayonnaise, some spaghetti and a bag of pretzels. You know where we keep the kid's lunch food. Get to it."

"Your kid eats a lot," says the security guard. "More popcorn?"

"Yeah he does. Thanks," says Fugaku, taking another handful of popcorn. "I am so glad he will be the only kid at home by the time he's a teenager."

The security guard laughs. "My teens eat a lot."

They watch the underling run out of the interrogation room, run to the staff room and starts grabbing the things he was sent to get. He piles them all up on a plate, grabs a second plate when one proves insufficient and rushes back to the interrogation room.

While the underling is getting his lunch, Eizo is cheerfully telling the prisoner about his latest developmental milestone. Potty training. "Daddy said I can wear big boy pants when I stop doing oopsies," Eizo chatters, he blurs some of his words together, but Fugaku understands him perfectly. "I like big boy pants. Nappies are too hot on my bum bum."

The prisoner is looking at Eizo sceptically, with one eyebrow raised. "I don't care," the prisoner says, raising the side of his lip in disgust.

Fugaku aggressively eats his popcorn and resists the urge to go down there himself.

"You stuupid," says Eizo, crossing his arms and sticking his tongue out.

"Now now, Eizo," says Ibiki, firmly. "Don't argue with the prisoner. We're trying to find out where his friends are."

Eizo stares at the prisoner, his eyes wide and his mouth hanging open. "You have fwends?"

"Damn," says the security guard.

Fugaku drops some of his popcorn in surprise. "He's gonna need some cool water for that one," Fugaku says as he scoops the popcorn up off his lap.

The underling returns with Eizo's food and places the two plates on the table. "Here you go, kid. Enjoy."

"Thanks!" says Eizo, and grabs the bread. There are two slices of bread, one white and one brown. Eizo puts them down on the table and starts piling on everything else. Eizo dumps a handful of the tinned spaghetti on one piece of bread. Then he tears open the bag of chips and the bag of pretzels and dumps a handful of each one on the spaghetti. Once that is done, Eizo grabs the mayonnaise bottle in both sticky hands and squeezes mayonnaise all over his sandwich. Lastly, Eizo grabs the other piece of bread and slaps it on top of his creation.

"Ew," says the security guard, pulling a face.

"That looks like Itachi's pregnancy craving from last Friday," says Fugaku, curling his top lip in disgust. "I hoped I'd never see it again."

Down in the interrogation room, Eizo butt-scoots to the end of the table. He sits with his legs dangling over the side, and uses the prisoner as a footrest. The prisoner tries to scoot away, but the chair he is tied to is nailed to the floor, meaning he can't escape. Eizo happily eats his travesty of a sandwich, getting sauce and mayonnaise all over his face, hands and shirt.

"Please take this kid away so we can get on with the interrogation," says the prisoner, who sounds as if he trying his hardest not to beg.

Ibiko smiles, resting his chin on his hands, and says, "Tell me where your hideout is, and I'll take the kid away."

"I will not talk because some toddler is eating a disgusting sandwich in front of me!" says the prisoner. "I have dignity and pride."

"It's yummy!" says Eizo, breaking off a piece of his sandwich and pushing it into the prisoner's mouth before he has a chance to react.

The prisoner gags and spits out the piece of sandwich all over Eizo. "You disgusting little f***!"

Eizo frowns and kicks the prisoner. "Bad word!" Eizo looks at the two mouthfuls he has left of his sandwich thoughtfully. "I full," he says, and drops the rest of the sandwich onto the prisoner's lap. "You can have it." Eizo, satisfied with his meal, butt-scoots back across the table to where he left his juice box and grabs it. Then he scoots back across the table and sits cross legged on the end of the table where he was before. After some struggling, Eizo manages to stick the straw into the box, but not without spilling some on the prisoner.

"I'm serious, take it away and get out your torture devices!" begs the prisoner. "Anything but this!"

"Just tell us where your hideout is," says Ibiki calmly. "Then you can go to regular prison and wait for your buddies - if any of them survive the team of shinobi we will send to capture them."

Eizo slurps his juice so loudly that Fugaku nearly feels sorry for the prisoner. Nearly.

Once Eizo is finished his juice box, he throws it down on the table and yawns. Fugaku is sure it was a fake yawn, meant to show off how gross Eizo is right now. Cunning little toddler. And then Eizo wipes his hands and face on the prisoner's shirt.

"I AM NOT A SERVIETTE!" yells the prisoner, once again trying to escape.

Eizo laughs and says, "Yes you are."

"Get it away from me!" begs the prisoner, freaking out. "Get it away from me!"

"Tell me where your hideout is!" snaps Ibiki, his calmness evaporating. It is replaced by cold anger and a glare that could frighten even Peanut.

"NEVER!" yells the prisoner defiantly.

"AAAAHCHOOOO!" sneezes Eizo. Snot flies out of his nose and sticks to the prisoner, covering his face in shiny slime.

"They're in a cave five miles directly north of the Valley of End!" says the prisoner. "Now can I please clean myself up? And take this kid away!"

Eizo leaps up and laughs excitedly. "Mr. Ibiki, I made him talk!"

Ibiki smiles proudly. "For the record, prisoner, this toddler is our best torture device."

"They grow up so fast," says Fugaku, proudly wiping a fake tear out of his eye.

* * *

Namiko, Sasuke and Naruto are sitting at the kitchen table studying fuuinjutsu. After the first few days, Namiko joined in the fuuinjutsu studies as often as she could. She and Naruto are strong in different areas, and Sasuke is learning slowly, but steadily. Namiko is happy that she has the chance to study fuuinjutsu with other kids. Even though they are all at different levels, all three of them are learning a lot from each other. According to Namiko's Dad, children in the Hidden Whirlpool would form their own study groups with whoever they worked best with in order to learn from each other instead of attending a formal school. They all had their own teachers, but usually only one teacher was ever present, and usually only if one of the group was only just beginning to learn.

"Oi, Namiko!" Naruto elbows Namiko. "Stop daydreaming and help me explain this page to Sasuke, 'tebayo."

"Oh, sorry," says Namiko, breaking out of her thoughts. She is a bit bored, and wishes they could go to the park or something. Unfortunately, Sasuke is still grounded.

"I'm just off to tinkle," says Namiko and Naruto's Grandma, who was sitting nearby reading and keeping an eye on Sasuke. "I'll be right back, don't take Sasuke off to the moon or anything, will you?" She gets up and heads off upstairs.

"If you take me to the moon I won't tell," says Sasuke, sounding about as bored as Namiko feels.

"I wish we could help decode Dave's Scroll," sighs Naruto. "But we aren't allowed to cause we're kids, 'tebayo."

"I wanna help too," says Namiko, flicking a pen off the table. "It's so boring being cooped up all the time. Why are you even grounded, Sasuke?"

"At the moment I'm working off my sentence for hitting Itachi," says Sasuke. "Next week I start the sentence for reading the smut Jiraiya writes. By the way, my Dad said something about going to T&I at lunch time to see what Eizo actually does there. Maybe you two could sneak over to the Hokage tower and steal the scrolls while he's gone."

Namiko and Naruto both turn to look at the clock. It is about 11:30.

"We should go now while Grandma's not watching," says Naruto.

"She'll notice as soon as she's back that we're gone," points out Namiko.

"Multi Shadow Clone Jutsu," says Naruto, and makes two shadow clones. One of the clones transforms into Namiko. "They'll stand in for us. Let's go, 'tebayo!"


	175. This is Madness!

Namiko and Naruto sneak through the village, making good time towards the Hokage Tower. "Is stealing the Scrolls okay?" asks Namiko, nervously. She is very worried that they will get into deep trouble.

"Stealing is always wrong, Namiko," says Naruto, frowning. "So we need to make sure we don't get caught. We should make fake scrolls and check that Iruka-nii is not in the Hokage Tower, or we'll be caught, 'tebayo."

"But where are we going to get fake scrolls from?" asks Namiko sceptically.

"We will make them, of course," says Naruto, pulling out two scrolls from somewhere. One is the same shade of red as Joe's Scroll, and the other is the same shade of green as Dave's Scroll. "These scrolls are about the same size as the Sacred Scrolls." He hands them to Namiko and pulls out some quick-drying paints. He takes back the green scroll and paints the Uchiha and Senju symbols on either end of the dowel. He hands the scroll back to Namiko and takes the red one. Then he paints the visible parts of the red scroll's dowel grey, so that it looks metal on first glance. "That'll work," Naruto says. "We just need to keep them off our tails for a while, 'tebayo. Now to check if Iruka-nii is at the Hokage tower."

"What does my Dad have to do with it?" Namiko asks, frowning. Her Dad seems rather weak and teacherly, and too kind to be a problem in their quest.

"When Iruka-nii is mad, he is more terrifying than an angry dragon," says Naruto. "And if he catches us, we'll get in so much trouble, 'tebayo." Naruto shudders.

Namiko frowns. It is impossible for her to imagine her Dad as anything but nice and calm. Why is Naruto scared by the thought of Namiko's Dad being angry?

"Don't drop those scrolls," says Naruto, "and stay close to me." Naruto leads Namiko across the Konoha rooftops towards the Konoha Academy. Namiko has not actually been inside the Academy, and she doesn't know what it is like. When they arrive at the academy, Naruto leads Namiko onto the roof and guides her across it to a spot above a particular classroom window.

Namiko stops at the edge of the roof, unwilling to follow Naruto into the tree he is climbing into. Naruto waves for Namiko to join him. Namiko climbs into the tree cautiously and looks down into the classroom below Naruto and her. In the classroom, a group of eight -year-olds, including Kimiko, are listening to Namiko's Dad talk about something. Namiko leans forward to see the blackboard. The words 'History of the Elemental Nations' are written on the board, above a map of the elemental nations. Namiko cannot hear what her Dad is saying, but after a few seconds, he turns and starts drawing and writing on the map, talking all the while. While Namiko is watching, she sees her Dad glance in her direction out of the corner of his eyes, and smile ever so slightly.

"He knows we're here," Naruto whispers. "He probably thinks you wanted to see him at work, 'tebayo."

"But I did…" whispers Namiko, before trailing off in fear of being heard.

"Iruka-nii is always right, 'tebayo," Naruto whispers. "Now let's go before the class notices us." Naruto climbs back onto the roof, pulling Namiko after him. They run across the roof together, back on their path to the Hokage Tower.

In just a few short minutes they reach the Hokage tower. Naruto climbs up a tree beside the Hokage Tower, gesturing for Namiko to follow him. Namiko climbs up after Naruto, stretching to reach branches that are almost too high for her. Naruto stops to help Namiko when she cannot reach a branch, and soon the two of them are on the ledge that runs around the tower.

"This way, 'tebayo," whispers Naruto, sneaking around to the left.

Growing increasingly nervous that they will get caught, Namiko sneaks after Naruto. This is nothing like pulling a prank in her own village, where she can get away with a lot because her mother is the Mizukage. In this village Namiko is a guest from a foreign village. If they catch her, she'll probably get sent home. Namiko does not want to go home yet. She is having too much fun. Naruto will be fine since he lives here.

Naruto stops suddenly, breaking Namiko out of her thoughts. He flattens himself against the wall, reaching back to push Namiko up against the wall as he does so.

"Did you hear something outside?" says a voice from inside the room they are sneaking past.

"Probably just an ANBU heading up to make a report," replies another voice. "Let's go for our lunch break, I'm starving." The sounds of footsteps and a door opening and closing signals that the two people have left the room.

Naruto and Namiko crouch down and sneak past the window. Once they have passed the window, Naruto whispers, "We're nearly there: the scrolls are in the next room, 'tebayo."

Namiko nods and gulps. Nearly there. "But what if Lord Hokage is there?" she whispers.

"Then we wait until he leaves," whispers Naruto. "Unless he notices us, then we just say we really want to help, 'tebayo."

Namiko is not sure about that idea. "But won't he get mad?"

"Nah, Mr. Nice Hokage's nice," says Naruto. "Now give me the fake scrolls and wait here. I'll be back, dattbayo." Namiko gives Naruto the two fake scrolls, and Naruto sneaks along the ledge towards the next window.

Naruto vanishes through the window. Namiko waits, pressed up against the wall. She is afraid of being discovered, even though Naruto helped her with her stealth a lot in the last two months. Naruto is sure to get caught. The Scroll Team will notice the switch. Something will go wrong. Agonizing minutes pass. Finally, Naruto slips out of the window and creeps back to Namiko.

He holds up the Sacred Scrolls triumphantly. "Hide these," he whispers. "We have to get out of here before they notice the switch."

Namiko takes the scrolls and hides them in her kunai pouch, where she put the fake ones. Then she follows Naruto back to his house. They sneak across rooftops and through patches of bushes. There are so many trees and bushes in the Hidden Leaf. They take their name very seriously.

Finally, they reach Naruto's house.

"How are we going to sneak back in?" asks Namiko, afraid that her Grandma will be mad if she catches them.

"We're not," says Naruto, and walks right in the front door yelling, "We're back, dattbayo!"

Namiko nearly punches him. What is Naruto thinking?! Is he even thinking?

Naruto drags Namiko into the dining room/lounge area, where Sasuke, the two clones and Namiko's Grandma are sitting drinking tea. "Where did you go?" asks Namiko's Grandma calmly. "Would you like some tea?"

"We went to spy on Iruka-nii to make sure he wasn't at the Hokage Tower and also because Namiko wanted to see where he worked," replies Naruto, sitting down at the table next to his clone. "Then we pinched the Sacred Scrolls from the Hokage Tower." Naruto grins widely.

Namiko is sweating buckets in nervousness. Their Grandma seems calm enough now, but she's going to be mad soon. Very soon.

"We can all look at them together," Naruto continues. "Sasuke, Namiko and I all want to help decipher them, so we took matters into our own hands. Yes please, I would like some tea, 'tebayo."

Namiko stares at Naruto, her eyes wide. What is he thinking?!

"Ah," says Namiko's Grandma, putting down her tea cup and standing. "I wondered how long you would hold out. It's well past the time we predicted you would try something like this. Not to mention this is the first time you've dragged Namiko into a prank." Namiko's Grandma pours two cups of tea and sets them down on the table. "Now where are those scrolls? I want to see what all the fuss over them is about." She sits back down and continues sipping her tea.

Namiko is confused. What the crap is going on? "Why aren't you mad, Grandma?" Namiko demnands.

"Mad?" Namiko's Grandma looks genuinely surprised. "Mad about what?"

"We pulled a prank!" says Namiko, feeling desperate for answers. "Shouldn't you be mad?"

Naruto starts giggling. Sasuke snorts in amusement. The two clones laugh so hard they fall off their chairs and dispel.

"WHAT?!" shouts Namiko, thoroughly angry. "WHAT IS SO FUNNY?"

"Ah," says Namiko's Grandma, smiling. "Allow me to introduce one of the two original members of Konoha's Prankster Gang: my grandson Naruto."

"What?" Namiko's brain stops being angry to try and process this new information.

"It was just me and Hinata at first," says Naruto, taking a sip of his tea and staring into space like he's about to flashback.

"Tell her why my Dad has a mustache," says Sasuke firmly.

"That was a fun day," says Naruto, enthusiastically. "We recruited Shisui into the Gang that time…"

"STOP!" Namiko cuts in, clapping her hand over Naruto's mouth to prevent the flashback. "There is a jutsu I need to teach you."

* * *

When Fugaku arrives back at the Hokage Tower, he heads straight to the room where his team is deciphering the scrolls. Wind and Rain are staring at Joe's Scroll in astonishment, while the rest of the team stares open-mouthed over their shoulders.

"What is going on here?" Fugaku asks, heading over to the team.

"Joe's Scroll is blank!" says Rain, holding it up to Fugaku.

Fugaku sighs. "It's so obviously a fake that you should have noticed that by now."

"But who could steal the scroll from under our noses?" asks Wind, recoiling in shock.

"The same person who stole the other scroll, I am sure," says Fugaku, picking up Dave's Scroll, which is obviously a fake as well. "This is so fake I am ashamed of you all for not noticing." Fugaku put the fake scroll down and heads for the door.

"Where are you going, Lord Hokage?" asks one of the cypher team.

"To ask Naruto if he's made any progress with the Sacred Scrolls yet," replies Fugaku. It is obviously Naruto who has them.


	176. The Contents of the Scroll

Naruto, Sasuke, Namiko and Naruto's Grandma crowd around the Sacred Scrolls. Naruto unrolls the Sacred Scroll of Joe. Sasuke Unrolls the Sacred Scroll of Dave.

"It's blank," says Naruto's Grandma, poking Dave's Scroll. "Just like you said. But something is supposed to be on it, right?"

"Yes," Nods Namiko. "It's hidden."

"But how, 'tebayo?" asks Naruto.

"Who wrote it?" asks Sasuke. "If we know who wrote it, we can figure out how they might have hidden the information."

"I heard your Dad say that it was Shisui's Grandpa and Lord Second," says Naruto. "But we don't know anything about Shisui's Grandpa, 'tebayo."

"True," says Sasuke. "But what if he was just like Shisui, and got on sugar highs really easily? That would be funny."

Naruto laughs. "What if he was just like Shisui, and he was also on a sugar high when he wrote the scroll!" Naruto suggests jokingly. "He probably would have written it on the back of the scroll by accident, dattbayo."

Everyone laughs, then suddenly, Sasuke stops. "Wait…" she turns Dave's Scroll over.

Everyone else stops laughing and leans forward intently, staring at the scroll.

"Is it…?" Namiko whispers, trailing off mid sentence.

Sasuke activates her sharingan and examines the back of the scroll. "It is!" she laughs. "Heh, it's all on the back."

Naruto and his Grandma start laughing. Namiko just stares at the scroll with a disappointed expression on her face.

"So did you solve it then?" asks Mr. Nice Hokage, leaning over the table between Sasuke and Naruto.

"Yes we did," says Naruto. "Just now, 'tebayo."

"It's on the back," adds Sasuke. "I can see it with my sharingan."

"That's odd, I can't see it at all," says Mr. Nice Hokage.

"It's definitely there, Dad," says Sasuke. Then her face turns pale. "D-D-Dad...?"

It hits Naruto like a ton of bricks that the Hokage caught them. "Mr. Nice Hokage!" he yells, falling off his chair in shock.

"You only just now noticed!?" screams Namiko, who is flattened against the wall.

"Ah, Lord Hokage," says Naruto's Grandma, smiling. "Naruto finally cracked and stole the Scrolls like we thought he would."

"Good, good," says Mr. Nice Hokage nodding. "It's odd that I cannot see the writing. Maybe it's only visible to a certain level of sharingan."

"Perhaps you ought to gather a few people with different levels of Sharingan and see who can see it and who cannot," suggests Naruto's Grandma.

"I will do just that," nods Mr. Nice Hokage. He turns towards Naruto, who is still on the floor with his legs sticking up in the air, and Namiko, who is still flattened against the wall. "Are you two alright?" he asks, a concerned frown on his face.

"Y-Y-You're not mad at us?" stammers Namiko, shaking like a leaf.

"Of course not!" says Fugaku, reaching over and patting Namiko on top of her head. "Kazama, Ichiraku-sama and the Council of Clan Heads all made a bet on how long it would take Naruto to steal the Sacred Scrolls, and whether or not he would drag you into it. Now that Naruto has, it looks like we all owe Ichiraku-sama 1,000 yen."

"Naruto, get up off the floor," says Naruto's Grandma sternly.

"I'm stuck," says Naruto. "I can't move, 'tebayo."

"Naruto, you can float," Sasuke reminds him.

"Hahaha…" Naruto laughs in embarrassment and floats back onto his chair.

Mr. Nice Hokage shakes his head sadly and Naruto's Grandma smiles like she is about to cry.

"What?" asks Naruto. "What's wrong, 'tebayo?"

"Nothing," says Mr. Nice Hokage, turning away.

Naruto's Grandma sighs. "I really wish your parents were alive," she says sadly. "They would have been so proud of you - sneaking past highly trained shinobi to steal two Sacred Scrolls and then deciphering them in seconds where a team of specialists couldn't do it after two months."

Naruto blinks. His parents would have been proud of him? Maybe. But would they have loved him? Did they love him?

"Naruto's parents?" says Namiko curiously. "Who were Naruto's parents? How come they aren't around?"

"They died protecting the village," says Mr. Nice Hokage, turning his head slightly to look over his shoulder at the rest of the room. "That is all you are allowed to know for now, child."

"But…" Namiko tries to protest.

Mr. Nice Hokage turns back to the table, scoops up the scrolls and rolls them back up. Then he tucks them into his kunai pouch and leaps out of the window without another word.

"What…?" says Namiko, still backed up against the wall.

"An Uchiha is still an Uchiha, after all," sighs Naruto's Grandma. "Though he seems more in-touch with his emotions than most Uchihas, it seems Lord Fugaku cannot handle having them around other people."

Sasuke sniffs. "I could've told you that," she mutters under her breath.

Naruto turns to Namiko. "We're not in trouble, so stop worrying, 'tebayo," he says, thinking that maybe Namiko is worried about getting kicked out of the village.

"You're in a little trouble for stealing," Naruto's Grandma corrects him. "No dessert for either of you tonight, and no ramen tomorrow!" she says sternly.

"Whaaat…!" Namiko yells, peeling herself off the wall.

"NOOOO!" Naruto laments. "No ramen for a whole day, dattebayo!?"

* * *

Naruto sits on his bed with the photograph of his parents that he stole from the Third Hokage's house. He hasn't looked at it since he got back from his mission with Iruka sensei and everyone else. But, earlier, when Naruto's Grandma mentioned his parents, Naruto remembered that he has not looked at the photo since before the mission.

There they are: Minato Namikaze and Kushina Uzumaki. Smiling from inside the photo, smiling out at whoever looks at them. When he stole the photo Naruto thought he would keep it with him all the time. But then he learned about Mr. Kurama, and he put the photo away and did not look at it for a while. When he finally did look at the photo again, those smiles washed away all his doubts about whether or not his parents loved him.

They did, they had to - no one who smiles such kind smiles could hate their own kid.

Naruto's parents would have loved him, they would have been proud of him. Everyone says so.

Naruto stares down at the photograph: stares at his parents' smiles and realizes something. Those smiles were not meant for him.

Would have.

They _would have_ loved him.

Meaning they didn't to begin with.

They didn't. If they had, why did they seal Kurama inside Naruto?

 _They didn't have a lot of choice, Naruto,_ says Mr. Kurama. _It was kill me or seal me inside you, and they weren't prepared to kill me,_

 _So they would rather seal what they see as the manifestation of hate and evil inside their own baby than kill an enemy?_ Naruto snaps at Kurama, tears blurring his eyes. Anger wells up inside Naruto: anger and hurt.

He tears the photo in half and throws it on the floor.

Then Naruto turns away so that he does not have to look at torn photo. His eyes fall on the scarf his mother made for him. The scarf is just lying on top of Naruto's dresser, he wears it sometimes when it is cold outside. It has been a long time since he thought of it as the scarf his mother made.

Why would she make him a scarf if she didn't love him?

Naruto looks over at the torn photo. It is upside down. He cannot see his parents. He looks back at the scarf. Naruto jumps off the bed and stands there confused. Should he pick up the photo? Should he throw away the scarf with it?

Naruto hears footsteps in the hall. Someone must have heard him crying. Someone always hears him crying. But never his parents. They are dead and they never loved him anyway. They might have, if they got to know him.

But they never got to know him.

Naruto turns and runs over to the window. He leaps out into the garden and runs away. Where he is running to, he does not know. It is growing dark, and Naruto's eyes are blinded by tears. He does not know where his feet are taking him.


	177. Love

Kimiko is brushing her teeth and getting ready for bed when she hears the barely audible sound of sniffing. The sound is coming from Naruto's room. It is so faint that Kimiko would not be able to hear it if she did not have very, very good hearing. She can even hear Namiko, snoring away in Iruka sensei's room.

Kimiko wishes she had bunk beds so that she could invite friends over for sleepovers. But she won't even have her own room until the extension is finished and they can't build the extension until Grandma Kazama and Naruto have come to an agreement about the layout of the extension. Until then, Kimiko is stuck in the music room.

Kimiko hears Naruto sniffle again and decides to go and see what the matter is. Naruto never cries in secret. If Naruto is going to cry, he just does it, usually on Iruka-sensei's shoulder. Naruto has not said so, but Kimiko can tell that Naruto is jealous of Namiko getting to sleep in Iruka-sensei's room.

Kimiko yawns tiredly. What was she thinking about? It was important.

She hears Naruto sniffle again. Oh, that. Kimiko puts down her toothbrush, spits out the toothpaste and heads to Naruto's room. Kimiko knocks softly. "Naruto?" she whispers. No answer. Kimiko opens the door slightly and peers inside. She can't see anybody. Kimiko creeps a little further in and looks around the room. Naruto is not even in his room. Where did he go? Maybe he left while Kimiko was finishing in the bathroom. She didn't hear him, though.

Kimiko is about to leave when she sees something white on the floor. Curious, she picks it up. It is a torn photograph. The picture on the torn photograph is of a beautiful lady with long red hair. Kimiko can see parts of another person. There must be another piece somewhere. Kimiko searches the floor until she finds the piece, lying under the door. The second piece has a blonde man on it. Kimiko has a good look at the two pieces of the torn photo. The two people look like they might be Naruto's parents. Maybe he is upset because the photo got torn.

Kimiko decides to fix it. She takes the torn photo to Grandpa Arashi's study and finds his sellotape. Then she carefully lines up the two pieces and tapes them together. Kimiko is very careful to make sure the picture lines up properly. When she is finished, it is hard to tell if the photo was ever ripped. Proud of her handiwork, Kimiko heads back upstairs to see if Naruto is back in his room. He is not.

Kimiko leaves Naruto's room and searches the rest of the house. Namiko is sleeping in Iruka-sensei's room. Grandpa Arashi and Grandma Kazama are watching TV in the living room. Iruka sensei and Kimiko's Dad are not around - they are both at the Hokage tower reading the Sacred Scroll of Dave. They won't be back until late.

"Do you know where Naruto is?" Kimiko asks Grandpa Arashi and Grandma Kazama. "I can't find him."

"I thought he was upstairs, why do you ask?" replies Grandma Kazama.

"I thought I heard him crying," says Kimiko. "So I went to his room, but he wasn't there. I found this ripped in half on the floor though." She holds out the photo. "I stuck it back together. Is it his parents?"

Grandpa Arashi takes the photo. "Yes, it is," he says, frowning. He looks worried. "Where did he get this? When did he get this?"

"We need to find him," says Grandma Kazama. "There is no way Naruto would rip this photo." She stands and heads for the door. "I'm going to ask those guards to find him. They should be able to locate Naruto easily."

Grandpa Arashi gives the photo back to Kimiko. "Take this back to Naruto's room and then go to bed. We will find Naruto and find out what is wrong. You did well to tell us about this." He pats Kimiko's head and gets up. "I am going to help look for Naruto. I know several places he might hide."

Kimiko watches Grandpa Arashi and Grandma Kazama head outside. Then she runs back up the stairs to Naruto's room. Kimiko does not want to just leave the photo there. She wants to make sure Naruto finds it when he gets back. Kimiko had two friends in her mother's village, but she hardly ever saw them. Naruto is like Kimiko's big brother, and she wants to help him.

Kimiko climbs onto Naruto's bed and contemplates where to leave the photo. Before she even knows it, she is fast asleep on Naruto's bed.

* * *

Tsunade had fun at the Never-Ending Party, but she needs to get back to her patients. If Tsunade had known there was a wild party happening so close to the Leaf all the time, she would have come back a long time ago. Tsunade takes a shortcut so that she has plenty of time to get some sake and take a nap before going back to work. By 'nap' she of course means 'drunken sleep'.

Out of the corner of her eye, Tsunade sees something odd. She is not sure what it is from where she is, but she thinks it might be a person. Tsunade leaps off her Grandfather's great stone face and sneaks over to investigate. It is indeed a person that she saw.

It is Naruto, sitting with his knees tucked up under his chin. He is sobbing, completely unaware of Tsunade. Tsunade sits down beside Naruto. The sake can wait.

"Naruto," says Tsunade, softly, but firmly. "What are you crying about?"

Naruto looks up at Tsunade through a wall of tears. "Granny Tsunade…"

For once, Tsunade does not mind being called 'granny'.

"I ripped the photo…" Naruto mumbles, burying his face in his arms.

"What photo?" asks Tsunade patiently.

"The photo of my parents that I stole from Grandpa Third's house, 'tebayo," says Naruto.

Tsunade frowns. Photos can be stuck back together, so that is probably not the real reason Naruto is upset. "Why did you rip the photo?" Tsunade asks.

"I don't want it anymore," sobs Naruto. "Because they _would have_...not _did_ …"

Tsunade takes a moment to figure out what Naruto is talking about. 'They' is probably Naruto's parents. But what does he mean by 'would have' and 'did'? "Naruto," says Tsunade sternly. "What did they not do that they would have done?"

"Nothing!" snaps Naruto. "GO AWAY!"

Annoyed, Tsunade hits Naruto over the head, making him grow a giant lump. As she pushes the lump back in, Tsunade says, "Answer my question Naruto."

"My parents didn't love me," says Naruto.

That is the last thing Tsunade expected Naruto to say. Doing her best not to hit Naruto for being such a moron, Tsunade says, "Why do you think that?"

"They sealed what they thought was a monster into me!" says Naruto, sobbing. "And everyone says they would have loved me and they would have been proud of me, _but they didn't and they weren't_."

"And how do you know that?" demands Tsunade. "You were a baby last time you saw them."

"No one ever says they did," mutters Naruto sulkily. "Just that they _would have_."

And there it is. Tsunade sighs. This is all just one big misunderstanding. Tsunade puts her arm around Naruto. "Just over 13 years ago I got a letter from my cousin," says Tsunade. "She spent the entire letter gushing over the fact she was going to have a baby, and it would be a boy. She told me that she and her husband were going to name him Naruto, and they both love him so much already." Tsunade takes the letter out of the safety seal she has it sealed into. The seal is beside her heart. She keeps many important things in that seal because only she can get into it, and the seal will destroy everything inside it when Tsunade dies. "Here is the letter," says Tsunade. "It is not very long and the spelling is terrible, but I think you need to read it."

Naruto takes the letter and reads it. As he reads, he stops sobbing and starts to smile. As he gets further through the letter, Naruto's face crumbles and he starts to cry again, but with a ridiculously happy smile on his face.

"Perhaps Minato and Kushina wanted to give you a powerful ally," says Tsunade softly. "And since they did not have much choice in what to do to about the Nine Tails, they sealed him into you, trusting that you would be strong enough to handle him. It is impossible to know unless you were there and remember what happened."

Naruto nods a tiny nod and hugs the letter.

"You can keep that letter, Naruto," says Tsunade, giving the kid's shoulders a squeeze. "But keep it well hidden so no one finds it who shouldn't, okay?"

Naruto nods, sniffing up the streams of snot running out of his nose.

"Let's get you home," says Tsunade, standing and pulling Naruto to his feet. She leads him down off the Fourth Hokage's great stone face and escorts him home. Tsunade is going to have a word with Jiraiya, Kazama and Arashi about this once Naruto is safely out of earshot. She needs to know if they had any idea Naruto was harbouring these doubts.

When Naruto and Tsunade arrive at Naruto's house, they find Kurama's Guards, Arashi and Kazama out in the garden waiting. Kazama rushes to Naruto and hugs him close, crumpling the letter between them. "Don't disappear like that!" Kazama scolds Naruto. "If you're upset come and talk to us, don't run off!" Kazama looks up at Tsunade. "Thank you for bringing him home."

Tsunade smiles. "He's had a rough time," she says. "It's probably best to send him to bed. We need to talk."

"Of course," says Arashi. "Come inside."

"Well, if you don't need us to search for Naruto, we'll go to bed too," says one of Kurama's Guards, yawning. The Guards all vanish back into their temporary cabins.

Tsunade follows Kazama, Arashi and Naruto into the house. Naruto is promptly sent to bed and told, "We will talk about this in the morning," by his Grandfather.

Once Naruto has vanished upstairs, still clutching the letter close, Tsunade follows Arashi and Kazama into their living room and sits down. "Right," she says. "I'll get straight to the point: did you two have any idea that Naruto got the idea in his head that his parents did not care about him?"

Arashi sighs. "We know that he wonders if they were good people," he says. "After he found out about the Nine Tails, Naruto started asked some hard questions about the morality of creating jinchuuriki."

"We answered those questions as best we could," says Kazama. "And Iruka helped us with that one. But Naruto did not give much indication that he started to doubt his parents' love as well. We are not allowed to talk about them around just anyone, and now with extra people around, we do not talk about Minato and Kushina at all. Naruto barely mentions them at all as well."

"He seemed happy enough on the mission to the Temples," says Arashi. "But it is impossible to tell what Naruto really feels sometimes. When Kimiko found that ripped photograph we knew exactly what was going on. Did you manage to help him at all?"

"I gave him a letter that Kushina sent me before she died," says Tsunade, relieved that Naruto's grandparents truly did not know what was going on until know. "It is proof of their love."

"Thank you," says Kazama. Tsunade can tell she truly means it.


	178. Naruto and Kimiko Want Bunk Beds

When Naruto arrives back in his room, he immediately notices two things: firstly, the torn photo of his parents is no longer on the floor, and secondly, Kimiko is sleeping on Naruto's bed. Naruto goes over to his bed, intending to wake Kimiko up and kick her out. Then he sees what she is holding in her hand: the photo of Naruto's parents.

She taped it back together.

Naruto reaches over Kimiko and takes the photo out of her hand. No longer annoyed at finding Kimiko sleeping on his bed, Naruto creates a new safety seal on his chest, over his heart. He places the letter Granny Tsunade gave him and the photo of his parents inside.

Wondering how Kimiko can sleep with the light on, Naruto switches the light off. He was in his pyjamas when he ran off, so he does not need to put them on. Naruto pushes Kimiko over so there is enough room for him on the bed and flops down. If they had bunk beds, he could just use the other one. But no. No bunk beds.

Naruto falls asleep very quickly and wakes up the next morning with Kimiko's hand on his face. Annoyed, Naruto brushes her hand off. What is it with Kimiko and Pervy Sage hitting or kicking you in their sleep?

Naruto rolls off the bed, wondering what it will take to convince his Grandma that he and Kimiko NEED bunk beds. Probably a lot. Especially since they haven't decided on the most important part of the building-on. Once they've all agreed on the layout of the extention, Lord first is going to build on to Naruto's house. Kimiko will have her own room then, and there will be a room for Pervy Sage too. Naruto's Grandma is getting a proper music room and they are going to have a nice, big room for guests to sleep in. The only thing Naruto and his Grandma can't agree on is whether or not the new swimming pool should be inside or outside. Naruto wants it inside, his Grandma wants it outside. Everyone else doesn't care so long as there is a pool.

Kimiko wakes up and sits up. "Where's the photo…" she sees Naruto. "Did you find the photo?"

"Yes I did," grins Naruto and hugs Kimiko. "You fixed it for me, didn't you? You're the best little sister ever."

Kimiko blushes and grins. Naruto likes being a brother. "Why didn't you kick me out of your room?" Kimiko asks frowning up at Naruto.

"Didn't want to wake you up after you fixed my photo for me," admits Naruto. "I wish we could have bunk beds. Then I could've just used the other one, and it would've been fun, 'tebayo."

Kimiko droops. "I want bunk beds too. Then I could invite friends over for sleepovers and we could sleep in the bunk beds and it would be fun."

"Bunk beds would be fun," Naruto agrees. "Maybe we can convince Grandma to put some in the guest room or your room, 'tebayo."

"Or both," says Kimiko.

Kimiko runs off downstairs to change out of her pyjamas, and Naruto changes out of his. They meet up again in the kitchen, searching for breakfast. Namiko, Pervy Sage, Iruka-nii and Naruto's Grandparents are already there. Naruto does not even bother trying to sneak ramen out of the cupboard to have for breakfast. He has cereal, like a healthy person. As soon as she is finished her breakfast, Kimiko runs off to school. Iruka-nii promises he will turn up today, after he's taken care of some important business. Until then, Kimiko's class has study hall again.

A few minutes after Kimiko leaves, Burifu marches into the kitchen and asks if Namiko can come out to play. Iruka-nii says she can, so long as Namiko is home by five and Burifu's family knows where she is. The two little girls run off to play in the mud or something, and Naruto is left alone with all the adults.

Naruto is about to leave when his Grandma says, "Stay here, Naruto. We need to talk."

Naruto's first thought is that he is in trouble for running off.

"Tsunade told us what happened," says Naruto's Grandpa. "And we told Jiraiya and Iruka."

Naruto sinks down in his chair, feeling ashamed of his behaviour now that he knows his parents obviously loved him. Unsure what to do or say, Naruto keeps quiet.

"Naruto," says Jiraiya, gazing at Naruto seriously. "There is absolutely no doubt your parents loved you unconditionally. When we say they 'would have been proud of you', or 'would have loved you', we mean that Kushina would've gushed and bragged about whatever stunt you just pulled off. Minato would've just grinned his stupid grin, but he'd have been bursting with pride. It would have been the cutest thing, and the most wonderful thing to see, and it hurts for me to think about what might have been. Do you understand, Naruto?"

"Yes, dattebayo," says Naruto, tears filling his eyes.

"Good," says Iruka-nii. "Now, Naruto: where did you get that photo of your parents from?"

"I stole it from Lord Third's house," admits Naruto, boldly. "There were intruders in his house at the time, and I ended up saving Konohamaru from the ringleader. It was Mizuki sensei, by the way. I think they were stealing the Sacred Scroll of Sealing or something. I was more worried about protecting Konohamaru, 'tebayo."

"Well, at least you had your priorities straight," says Iruka-nii. "Lives matter more than scrolls."

* * *

Naruto and Jiraiya are doing some taijutsu sparring when a messenger hawk arrives from the Hokage. "What does it say, 'tebayo?" Naruto asks, as Jiraiya unrolls the message.

"We have to go to the Hokage Tower," says Pervy Sage gravely. "Lord Fifth wants us to collect Iruka on our way. He wants us all there when they read the Sacred Scroll from the Temple of Dave for the first time."

"Why haven't they read it through already?" asks Naruto. "We figured it out last night."

"Ah, well," says Jiraiya, scratching the back of his head. "It seems that only those with base-level sharingan can actually read it. We got someone to copy out the sealing formula, but then we discovered something else. After realizing what the scroll actually contains, Lord Fifth thought it would be best if members of all four clans mentioned on the scroll are present."

"Okay, let's go get Iruka-nii, 'tebayo," says Naruto, and the pair sets off for the Academy.

When Pervy Sage and Naruto arrive at the Academy, they find Iruka-nii in the target practice area, drilling his class with shurikens. Namiko and Burifu are there too, chucking shurikens at other people's targets. Kimiko and the Konohamaru Trio are the only ones who do not seem annoyed by this.

Konohamaru sees Naruto and waves. "Hi Naruto-bro!" he calls.

"NARUTO!" the rest of the Konohamaru Trio shouts, running over to Naruto.

Kimiko takes the opportunity to throw perfect bull's eye. Then she smiles proudly at Pervy Sage. Pervy Sage goes over and pats her on the head proudly.

The Konohamaru Trio drags Naruto over to the targets and shows off their skills. Only Konohamaru can actually hit the target.

"Okay, now that you kids have shown off," Iruka-nii interrupts after a few minutes. "Jiraiya, Naruto: what are you actually here for?"

"The Hokage wants all three of us in the Hokage Tower for the Scroll Reading," says Pervy Sage.

"Take Namiko," says Iruka. "I need to actually _teach_ my class."

Namiko pauses in the middle of throwing a spitball at one of her dad's students to look as innocent as possible.

"Come one, Namiko!" says Naruto, grabbing her hand and dragging her off in the direction of the Hokage Tower. "Let's go find out what's in that Scroll, dattebayo!"

"No, Burifu, you stay here," Naruto hears Iruka-nii say. "There's some harder targets over there you can practice on."

Pervy Sage catches up to Naruto and Namiko and grabs the back of Naruto's chunin vest. "Slow down, Naruto," he says. "There is no need to rush."

"But I want to see the scroll sooner!" protests Naruto.

"You can't see the scroll," points out Namiko. "Sasuke can though."

"Sasuke…." Naruto growls, feeling jealous and annoyed that Sasuke can read the Sacred Scroll of Dave.

"I thought you liked Sasuke," says Namiko, frowning up at Naruto.

"I do...sometimes."


	179. Clan Family History

Naruto, Pervy Sage and Namiko arrive at the Hokage Tower at the same time as Granny Tsunade.

"Hello Naruto," says Granny Tsunade, ruffling Naruto's hair. "How are you doing?"

Naruto grins widely. "I'm great, 'tebayo! Kimiko fixed the picture for me. She's awesome."

"Huh," says Tsunade. "Looks like Jiraiya produced something worthwhile."

"Hey!" says Jiraiya, pretending to be annoyed by Granny Tsunade's jibe.

Naruto and Namiko giggle. It's always funny when Granny Tsunade and Pervy Sage subtly mock each other.

The four of them walk up to the Cypher Room together. Mr. Nice Hokage, Wind, Rain and Sasuke are already there waiting. "Hey, how come Sasuke is here?" asks Naruto, glaring at Sasuke.

Sasuke sticks her tongue out at Naruto and says, "I'm here to read the scroll, dumbass."

"So your hair is also still green," sighs Mr. Nice Hokage, referring to the fact that Naruto and Sasuke still have green hair. All of Team Seven kept their hair green in hopes that eventually someone will give them a good reaction. "I am not happy about Sasuke's hair changing colour twice in a year. Let me know you when you plan on stopping. Now, let's get on with the scroll reading."

Naruto and Sasuke exchange a disappointed glance. Still no worthwhile reaction.

"Take a seat, everyone," says Mr. Nice Hokage. "The history lesson on the Sacred Scroll of Dave is quite long."

Wind, Rain, Naruto, Granny Tsunade and Pervy Sage all sit down. Namiko stands awkwardly by the door.

"Come over here, Namiko," says Naruto, waving her over. "We brought Namiko-chan because Iruka-nii has his teacher on, 'tebayo." Namiko runs over to Naruto and climbs onto his lap.

"Alright, Sasuke, read away," says Mr. Nice Hokage, sitting down at the table beside Sasuke.

Sasuke takes a deep breath and opens the Sacred Scroll of Dave, which is sitting on the table in front of her. Then she activates her sharingan and starts to read, a bit shakily. Naruto is surprised to discover that the Scroll is half history-lesson and half an explanation about love and sharingans.

According to the scroll, Uchiha clan and the Umino clan are sister clans in the same way that the Uzumaki and Senju clans are. Indra's eldest child, his only son, had two daughters. One sister married a man named Uchiha, and the other married a man named Umino. From those two sisters and their husbands two sister clans were born: the Uchiha and Umino. For some reason, out of all Indra's children, only the eldest passed the sharingan on to his children, even though he himself did not have it. And even stranger still, out of all Indra's grandchildren, only Uchiha's children inherited it. No one, either when the scroll was written, or back when Indra's grandchildren were alive, understood why the sharingan selectively skipped a generation. The Umino Clan, while descended from the Sage of Six Paths' elder son, never awakened the Sharingan, or seemed to have the potential to.

On the other side of the Sage of Six Paths' family line, Ashura's eldest child also had two daughters. One married a man named Senju, and the other married a man named Uzumaki. Together, they founded the Uzumaki Clan and the Senju Clan. Unlike the other three clans, the Uzumaki Clan began and remained a matriarchal Clan. The only times that a man led the Uzumaki Clan were the times when the rightful Queen was too young to lead and her father or grandfather took over for a while. During the Founding of the Leaf, Ashina Uzumaki led the Hidden Whirlpool after his wife, son-in-law and daughter died, leaving Ashina's one year old granddaughter the Queen of the Hidden Whirlpool. In regards to Kekkei Genkai, the Senju clan inherited the wood style jutsu, while the Uzumaki Clan inherited the longevity and powerful chakra of the Otsutsuki. The Uzumaki Clan also inherited an odd trait from the Sage of SIx Paths himself: an affiliation for ninshu. The affiliation to ninshu did not make them able to actually use it, however, their fuuinjutsu incorporated both ninshu and ninjutsu, making it more powerful than any other fuuinjutsu. For that reason, many Uzumakis have problems learning ninjutsu techniques because they work better when drawing on both ninjutsu and ninshu.

The Umino Clan also possess this trait, although they generally have no difficulty learning anything that can be learned. (That fact does not surprise Naruto much.) For centuries, these four clans inhabited the same space of land: the Lands now known as the Land of Eddies and the Land of Fire. The Senju and Uchiha often went to war against each other, as did the Uzumaki and Umino. However, the Umino and Senju Clans left each other alone, as did they Uzumaki and Uchiha. Roughly 200 years before the Uchiha and Senju Clans forged an alliance, the Umino and Uzumaki Clans made permanent peace through marriage. (Naruto knows about that story. Iruka-nii told them at the Temple of Jashin.)

After the history lesson, the scroll turns back to the Uchiha Clan. It explains how an Uchiha feels love more deeply and passionately than anyone else. In fact, they feel love so deeply they seal it away deep inside them out of fear. And then, when that love is released, it brings a whole lot of other suppressed emotions out with it. When an Uchiha knows love and loses it, a special condition emerges. The loss of great love, or disappointment in themself causes a change in an Uchiha's brain. Their charaka reacts with the optic nerve, causing a change in the eyes. That change is known as the sharingan: the eye that reflects the heart. The sharingan taps into the Uchiha's love, increasing both their power and their hate. The most sensitive Uchiha are the ones most likely to fall prey to this condition and then go insane as Madara Uchiha did. The deeper the Uchiha's emotional trauma, the more powerful they get.

After that discussion about the sharingan, plus a few specific examples of such cases, the Scroll turns to Indra and Ashura themselves. Naruto, who is dangerously close to boredom by the time the final topic of the scroll rolls around, is busy brading Namiko's hair to keep himself entertained. Because he is distracted, Naruto only registers that the Senju and Uchiha clans hated each other because Indra and Ashura reincarnated into members of the two clans. Indra and Ashura apparently hated each other or something, Naruto doesn't care. Madara and Hashirama were the last known reincarnations, and whoever the current ones are is unknown. However, those exact two people are needed for the jutsu that will seal away Black Zetsu.

"And now it just has a seal formula," finishes Sasuke, finally ending the history lesson.

Namiko yawns a big wide yawn and says, "That was boring. Was it written by a Senju?"

Mr. Nice Hokage laughs. "Yes, but he was dictating to an Uchiha."

"An Uchiha on a sugar high," mumbles Sasuke.

"An Uchiha on a sugar high is still not as stupid as two clans fighting for hundreds of years because two brothers couldn't get along," says Wind saltily.

"It's probably because of the Cycle of Hatred thing that Nagato sensei is always going on about," says Namiko, yawning.

Naruto ties a hair tie onto the 30th and last tiny braid in Namiko's hair. "There!" Naruto says. "I've finished your hair!"

"Why do you have hair ties sealed into a seal on your wrist?" asks Rain, sounding surprised and confused.

Deciding to tease Rain a bit, Naruto just says, "Hinata."

"Eh?" Rain sounds even more confused. "Well...where did you learn to braid hair?"

"Hinata."

"But...that doesn't tell me anything."

"Hinata."

"But…"

"Hush, Rain," says Wind, patting Rain on the head. "Naruto's best friend is a girl named Hinata. He probably carries spare hair ties for her, like you do for me."

"Ooooooh!" Rain sounds truly enlightened. Naruto wishes he could see Rain's face right now. "That makes sense."

"If I leave my hair in the braids it will be all wavy for tomorrow!" says Namiko, grinning excitedly.

"What's happening tomorrow?" asks Mr. Nice Hokage.

"Burifu and I are going to be fairies at a wedding!" grins Namiko. "We're even getting paid!"

"Hinata has expanded her business," says Naruto. "Now that she has two unicorns, people are asking for two fairies as well." Of course, half of the customers asking for fairies want their own children, nieces or nephews to be fairies. "Hinata is even expanding to costume hire now because she's having to make costumes for the fairies people want. She's got so many costumes now that she had to get her Dad to build a costuming room and make a deal with a costume designer."

"Sounds to me like Hinata has good little business there," comments Granny Tsunade.

"She's filthy rich," says Naruto.

"Can we get back to the scroll now?" says Mr. Nice Hokage. "Does anyone have any questions about the contents?"

"I have one," says Pervy Sage. "Why didn't the scroll mention the Uzumaki Clan's kekkei genkai? You know: the chakra chains and the bite-healing?"

"They didn't come from the Sage of Six Paths," says Naruto, who learned about this from Iruka-nii. "They came from Uzumaki himself - well, his mother. Even way back then, the kekkei genkai were girls-only."

"Ah, I see," says Pervy Sage. "Now, how are we going to find Indra and Ashura's reincarnations? The Senju Clan dissolved itself into the Hidden Leaf. It has spread through the village so thoroughly, there are only a few people that actually carry the name 'Senju'. And of the ones that could carry the name, only Tsunade actually uses it. Most just don't give a clan name, like that Tenten girl."

"I suppose we should just test every man and boy in the village that has Senju parents or grandparents," sighs Mr. Nice Hokage. "And every boy and man in the Uchiha Clan too."

"How are you going to test them, though?" asks Naruto. He wasn't paying attention to that part.

"Using the test in the Scroll of Joe," explains Rain. "We knew two people were required because of the test, but we can't access it without the formula right here." She points to a sealing formula on Dave's Scroll. "We did not think it would be reincarnations. Finding people to fit the requirements is a whole lot harder than we thought it would be."


	180. Madoka Explodes

Kakashi is incredibly pleased. For the last week, while The Hokage, Wind and Rain tested every male Uchiha and every man or boy with a Senju parent or grandparent to see if they are the reincarnations of Indra and Ashura, Kakashi has his team back. Since Tsunade assisted in the finding and testing of the Senju descendants, Madoka is ALL Kakashi's for a while. And since Naruto is teaching Sasuke fuuinjutsu, Kakashi decided to call team training every day for a week to 'help'. He really just wants to see his students though. Kakashi knows he won't have them forever, and he wants to make the most of their time as a team.

That, and they need a private space to whine about the fact no one has reacted to their green hair satisfactorily. Yet. The fact they all still have green hair is proof that Team Seven is still holding out hope.

"Kakashi sensei!" Madoka complains, holding up The First Fuuinjutsu Book. He is using Kakashi's set of fuuinjutsu books, and Sasuke is using Naruto's. They really need to print more of those books. "What is this nonsense?"

"Oh that?" says Kakashi, examining the page on drawing out chakra, separating it into two kinds of chakra and combining them again. The explanation would only make sense to someone who struggles with basic ninjutsu because their chakra does that on its own (so no one except the Uzumaki clan), and people who know that ninshuu used to be a thing (not a lot of people). "That is telling you to create ninshu chakra and ninjutsu chakra and then mix them. It's not hard. You know how to separate raw chakra into two portions, right?"

"Yes, I do it all the time," says Madoka. "I've been storing up chakra into a hundred healings seal."

"Good," nods Kakashi, sitting down on the grass beside his students. He was standing a short way away from them reading Make Out Paradise for the tenth time that year. They are studying in the Uchiha Training ground because Sasuke is STILL grounded. "Get some chakra and separate it into two portions," he continues. "Mold one like you would for ninjutsu."

Madoka nods and molds that chakra. "Okay, now what do I do with the other portion?"

"You know what you just did with the first lot? Do the exact opposite with the other portion of chakra."

Madoka does so, a strained expression on his face. "This is really hard to hold."

"Okay, now squish the two chakras together," says Kakashi, grinning.

Naruto and Sasuke stop what they are doing to watch in interest.

"Okay," says Madoka, and squishes the two chakras together inside his body. Then he explodes.

Well, it's more like he is surrounded by smoke and then emerges with fried hair and a sooty face. But it's still funny, and Kakashi, Naruto and Sasuke, who have been there and want to laugh at someone else for it, all laugh at Madoka.

Madoka glares at them. "You guys are mean!" he pouts.

"We've all been there, Madoka," says Kakashi. "You'll see the funny side later. Now try again, but this time, do it as fast as you can. The exploding won't hurt you."

* * *

After a hard day of training, Madoka is happily eating dinner with his parents. He is absolutely ravenous, and has barely stopped for breath since he started eating. Naruto's eating habits are starting to rub off on Madoka.

"So how was your day?" asks Madoka's Mum, obviously trying to make conversation.

Madoka swallows his mouthful and replies, "I exploded 20 times." then he shovels more food into his mouth.

Madoka's parents go very quiet for a second. Then both of them get up and run around the table to coddle Madoka.

"Are you okay?"

"What kind of training were you doing?"

"Do you need to see a doctor?"

Madoka swallows his food and says, "I'm fine. Besides, I've nearly got the hang of it. I shouldn't explode too many times before I get the hang of it properly."

Madoka's father looks horrified. "Are they training you to be a suicide bomber?"

"No Dad, it's just chakra control," sighs Madoka. He really just wants to eat in peace. Maybe he should have just said 'chakra control' instead of 'exploded 20 times'.

Damn you Hindsight!

* * *

Naruto intercepts Namiko before she can steal the fish off his plate and gives some of his rice to Kimiko. Iruka-nii gives Namiko some of his fish and snags one of Naruto's Grandpa's dumplings.

"You all have terrible table manners," sighs Naruto's grandma. "I didn't get any of the stir-fry vegetables, does anyone have some left?"

"Here," Says Pervy-Sage, tipping some onto Naruto's Grandma's plate. "I accidently got too much. OI! Give that back, Namiko! I was going to eat that dumpling!"

Unfortunately, Namiko already ate the dumpling.

"Madoka finally started exploding today," says Naruto, cheerfully.

"Oh, so he's finally up to that part of fuuinjutsu training," grins Iruka-nii. "Nice. Here, Jiraiya, here have this dumpling."

* * *

Itachi is having weird cravings again. Sasuke pulls a face when she sees what her sister is eating. Gross. Who eats peanut butter and tuna with chocolate?

"Itachi, the sooner you stop having weird cravings the better," sighs Sasuke's mum, tiredly picking at her food. No one feels much like eating except Eizo, who is actually eating the same thing as Itachi, but in a sandwich.

Sasuke, desperate to think of anything except her siblings and their gross food, says, "Madoka finally got up to the exploding stage in the First Fuuinjutsu book, and I started the Second book today."

Sasuke parents both smile proudly.

"Oh my!" says her mother. "Getting up to the second book means you have an aptitude for fuuinjutsu, doesn't it?"

"Yes," nods Sasuke, smiling proudly. "Kakashi sensei says I am the first Uchiha since Madara to be able to do Whirlpool fuuinjutsu."

"Good," nods Sasuke's father, turning to his food. "I would expect no less from my child."

Sasuke blushes happily at the rare praise from her father.

* * *

Minoru is crying loudly. "Give him to me," says Tenzou, tiredly, attempting to take the baby from Lord Second.

"No," says Lord Second. "You eat, I'll change his nappy."

"Sit, sit, sit," says Lord First, ushering Tenzou to the table and sitting her down.

Kakashi thinks it's sweet how protective the first two Hokages are of his wife. He was about to take the crying baby himself, but no. Lord Second got there first. He is always there first now, even though he practically ignored Minoru at first. Kakashi wonders what happened. It almost seems as though the reanimated Hokage is trying to hide something.

"Daddy, I painted a picture with my hands and face today!" says Aki excitedly. She does not go to daycare much anymore since the two Hokages are around to help Tenzou, who struggles to keep track of two children alone. Today, Aki did go to daycare, mostly to see her friends. "It's hanging up to dry! Can I go to daycare tomorrow so I can get it?"

"Yes you can," says Kakashi reasonably. "Eating is just as important as talking, remember?"

Aki looks down at her untouched plate of food, as if realizing it is there for the first time. "Oh! My food!" she giggles and starts eating.

"How is your team doing?" asks Tenzou, pushing her food around her plate with her chopsticks.

"Madoka started exploding and Sasuke is up to the Second Fuuinjutsu book," replies Kakashi. "And Naruto says he's nearly finished the special seal he is working on. He won't let me see it, though."

"Daddy!" says Aki excitedly. "I made my food look like a face, and now I am going to eat its eyes!"

"That's great, Aki," says Kakashi, wondering why he ever thought he and Tenzou could raise a sane child.


	181. Nagato Takes a Shower

Wind, Rain, Lord Fifth and Iruka sit around the table in the scroll room, staring at the two scrolls sitting on the table in front of them. They have no idea what to do. They tested every male senju descendant they could find in the Hidden Leaf after they ran out of the ones who fit the Senju parent/grandparent rule, and they tested every male Uchiha in the village, and a few non-official-clan Uchiha descendants they managed to track down.

"What do we do now?" asks Wind, sighing in defeat. She is stumped. Where are the reincarnations?

"Maybe we did the test wrong?" suggests Rain.

"We did the test correctly," says Lord Fifth. "There's something else wrong. But what?"

"Maybe the reincarnation cycle ended," suggests Iruka. "It is possible that the last reincarnations were friends and accidentally ended the cycle."

The door bangs open and Naruto marches in. "Hi!" He grins, swanning right up to the table and picking up the Scroll of Joe. "So I was thinking: I want to take the test in here. It's fuuinjutsu. I like fuuinjutsu. I want to take the test, 'tebayo."

"Go ahead," says Wind, waving a hand at Naruto. "It probably won't do anything, but we are out of people to test."

"Cool," says Naruto, and unrolls the scroll. Then he slaps his hand down on the test for Ashura's reincarnation and activates his chakra. Wind fully expects the seal to turn red and make a sound resembling a 'get off the stage' buzzer on a talent show.

It does not.

A golden backdrop dops behind Naruto. Two big arrows appear on the backdrop, pointing at Naruto. They light up with a bright, glaring white light before switching off and then on again, and continuing to flash. Two big trumpets appear above the backdrop, letting loose a victorious trumpet call. Several confetti poppers shower Naruto with sparkly, colour-changing confetti.

Wind, Rain, Lord Fifth and Iruka all drop their jaws.

"WHAT KIND OF SEAL IS THAT?!" yells Rain, backing away and taking his chair down in the mad scramble to get away.

"Oh my gosh, it's Naruto," says Iruka, gobsmacked.

"There goes the rest of my sanity," sighs Lord Fifth, resting his forehead on his fingertips.

"Well," says Wind, trying to see the sensible side of the situation. "It looks like we found Ashura."

"Hang on," says Naruto, frowning. "I'm not a Senju, so how can I be Ashura?"

"Both the Senju and the Uzumaki Clans are descended from Ashura, remember?" says Wind, remembering that detail from the vast history lesson in Dave's Scroll. "Maybe because of the lack of eligible Senjus, the cycle reverted to their sister clan."

"That does seem like a reasonable explanation," says Iruka, thoughtfully. "Maybe Indra reverted to a different clan to match the change."

"That could explain why he's not amongst any of the Uchiha candidates," agrees Lord Fifth, stroking his mustache. "But that would mean that the cycle reverted to the Umino Clan,which just leaves you and Nagato as the candidates for Indra."

"I guess I'll take the test then," says Iruka, pulling the scroll away from Naruto and towards himself. The backdrop behind Naruto vanishes with a pop. Iruka places his hand on the Indra test seal and activates his chakra. It lights up red and makes that annoying buzzer-sound. "Looks like we are going to need to find Nagato," says Iruka, sounding as tired as Wind feels.

"Lord Fugaku," says Wind. "Try summoning him with your rinnegan like you summoned Konan. I am fairly sure Nagato keyed himself into the rinne-summons contract too."

"Why did he do that?" asks Naruto. "Is he going to summon himself?"

"Knowing Nagato, probably," says Wind gravely. Nagato is the sort of idiot who would try to summon himself.

"I'll try it, then," says Lord Fifth, doubtfully. He activates his rinnegan and promptly summons Nagato.

Nagato appears in a cloud of steam, soaking wet and singing off key. He is also naked. Realizing they summoned Nagato while he was in the middle of taking a shower, Wind turns and head over to a wall, which she then slams her face into.

"And here I thought I didn't have any sanity left to lose," sighs Lord Fifth, shaking his head.

"Here, have a towel," says Iruka, pulling a towel out of one of his storage seals and handing it to Nagato.

"Nagato, why are you taking a shower in the middle of the day?" asks Rain.

"What's wrong with taking a shower in the middle of the day?" asks Naruto, indignantly. "We go the hot springs in the middle of the day, don't we? It's the same thing, 'tebayo."

"I was taking a shower because YOUR kid thought it would be funny to tip a bucket of muddy water on my head, Rain!" snaps Nagato irritably.

Wind laughs. "That is actually pretty funny," she says. "Is it safe to turn around yet?"

"I am covered in all the important places," says Nagato.

"No you're not," says Rain. "You have to be fully dressed before she turns around, Nagato!"

"I can handle the sight of a man in a towel, Rain," says Wind, sighing. "If it bothers you that much, go get him some proper clothes." She turns around and heads back to the table. Then she sits down and says, "Sit down, Nagato. We have business to take care of."

Nagato sits down, making sure his towel is secure around his waist. "What business?" he asks. "Did you find the reincarnations?"

"We found Ashura," says Lord Fifth. "It's Naruto."

"You couldn't have just sent me a messenger hawk?" asks Nagato, who is still sulking. "I was having a nice shower."

"I'm not entirely sure how the rinnegan summoning works," says Lord Fifth. "But can I reverse-summon you back to your shower once we are done?"

"Yes, you can," says Nagato. "What do you want?"

"We can't find Indra amongst the Uchiha clan," says Iruka. "Ashura reincarnated into the Uzumaki Clan, so now we're testing the Umino Clan. I've taken the test, it's your turn now."

"Stick your hand on that seal and activate your chakra," says Lord Fifth, pointing to the Indra seal.

Nagato does so, and produces the all-too-familiar red buzzer.

"Well," says Rain hurriedly. "It's not Nagato, send him back to his shower before he freezes."

Nagato, who is starting to shiver a bit, says, "Yes please."

"We'll tell you when we find Indra," says Lord Fifth and reverse-summons Nagato back to his shower.

Rain sighs in relief. "I'm so sorry you had to see that, Wind."

"Rain, I can handle the sight of a man in a towel," says Wind firmly, shaking her head. "All the same, we have an even bigger problem right now: we still do not know who Indra reincarnated into."

"Why don't we all go and get some lunch," suggests Iruka. "Maybe something will occur to one of us after we have full stomachs. Do you want to come, Naruto?"

"Nah, I just went to Ichiraku with my team," says Naruto. "But then I had the thought that I should try the test for fun."

"Hang on," says Wind, thinking that maybe there is another way to pinpoint Indra. "Naruto, who is your biggest friend you love to hate?"

"Sasuke..." Naruto growls.

"That's not going to work," sighs Wind. There is no way the reincarnation is a girl. "I was hoping that we could find Indra candidates by finding out who Naruto loves to hate. After all, Indra and Ashura loved to hate each other."

"Let's think on it over lunch," says Lord Fifth. "I need a break from this."

"Hey, while you're all gone, can I show my team what the scroll did when I took the test, 'tebayo?"

"Yeah, sure," agrees Lord Fifth. "And ask them to stay until we get back. Maybe some fresh ideas and eyes will help our search."

"Thanks Mr. Nice Hokage!" says Naruto, and leaves via the window to fetch his team.

"So where shall we go for lunch?" asks Rain.

"The BBQ place," says Wind firmly. "I want something meaty."

The others agree and the group heads off to Yakiniku Q for lunch.


	182. Sasuke is a Lady

Sasuke is annoyed. Why is her team taking her home? Naruto ran off who-knows-where, and Kakashi sensei cancelled the afternoon training, even though there was no need to. Sasuke cannot escape their attempts to take her home to go looking for Naruto. Stupid wheelchair.

Naruto appears in front of the Team. "Hey guys!" he says, grinning. "I've just been to the Hokage Tower, and Mr. Nice Hokage says we can go there and look at the Sacred Scroll, 'tebayo."

"Let's go!" says Sasuke eagerly. "These guys are trying to take me home, and Eizo is there!"

"Did Lord Fifth really say that we could go and look at the scrolls?" asks Kakashi sensei sternly.

"Yes he did," says Naruto, nodding once. "He even wants us to stay for a while to see if we can help figure out who Indra's reincarnation is, 'tebayo."

"Alright, let's go then," says Kakashi sensei, and leads Team Seven to the Hokage Tower. When they arrive, Kakashi sensei leads them in through the window, in true Kakashi sensei fashion.

Since Sasuke has not quite got the hang of going up walls in a wheelchair, Naruto and Kakashi carry her and her wheelchair. Once they are inside, Naruto and Kakashi sensei reunite Sasuke with her wheelchair and head over to the table with the scrolls on it. Madoka wheels Sasuke over to the table and parks her carefully between two chairs.

"Watch this, this is so cool, dattebayo," says Naruto, slapping his hand down on of the testing seals. Sasuke thinks that it is the Indra one. "This is what the test does if you are not the right person." The scroll turns red and makes a sound like a buzzer. "And this is what it does when you are," he says, switching his hand to the other test seal. A backdrop falls down behind Naruto, a noisy, messy, annoying backdrop.

"Make it stop," says Sasuke, glaring at Naruto.

* * *

Iruka, Wind, Rain and Fugaku sit in a booth at Yakiniku Q eating their barbeque pork. In an attempt to turn the conversation away from the sacred scrolls, Fugaku asks, "So Iruka, how's Namiko doing?"

"Now that she knows where I work, she keeps dropping in on my class and joining in," says Iruka, grinning. "And when I say 'joining in' I really mean 'pulling pranks'. I should stop her, but it's just so cute to see about 21 eight year olds running around in panic because a five year old is throwing peas at them or something equally stupid." He laughs and shakes his head.

"Yes, you probably should do something about that behaviour before it gets out of hand," agrees, Fugaku, smiling in amusement.

"How's Itachi doing?" asks Iruka.

"She's only got a month left before she's due," says Fugaku, poking at a piece of meat. "She has everything ready, and I think if Itachi does not have the baby soon, she is going to go on a killing spree. She's just so aggravated by how restricted her movement is and how sick she gets sometimes. She's been sick an awful lot, but the doctors say there's nothing wrong with her or the baby - it's all normal."

"Um…" says Rain, sounding a little unsure. "Itachi's having a boy, right?"

"Yes, why?"

"That baby might be our missing reincarnation."

Fugaku didn't think of that. "Oh," he says. "We'll have to test him once he's born to make sure. But if he is, we are going to have to wait years before we can seal away Zetsu, and we need to seal him now."

"I wonder if there is a way to test the unborn," muses Wind. "We tested Eizo and the other Uchiha babies by amplifying their chakra with our own. Maybe if we can get Itachi to channel her baby's chakra to the seal in even a small amount, it might work."

"Shall we test Itachi's baby after we've finished eating?" asks Rain. "We might as well try now, and if the test doesn't work, we keep looking."

The others agree, and once they are finished their meal, the four of them head back to the Hokage Tower. When they arrive they hear the unmistakable sound of Naruto and Sasuke arguing.

"WELL YOU HAVE POO FOR BRAINS!" Sasuke's voice carries easily through the Hokage Tower.

"NO I DON'T!" Naruto's voice shouts even louder. "AND YOUR STUPID FACE MAKES LITTLE BABIES CRY!"

Wind, Rain, Fugaku and Iruka all turn to look at each other in shock.

"Since when was Sasuke capable of being that loud?" wonders Iruka.

"WELL YOU'RE A...A...A...A BAD FUDGE CAKE!" Sasuke yells back, struggling a little to find an insult.

"YOUR BREATH SMELLS LIKE MOULDY CARROTS!" Naruto returns without missing a beat.

"YOURS SMELLS LIKE ROTTEN EGGS!" yells Sasuke.

"They sound awfully sure about what each other's breath smells like," Fugaku notices aloud, feeling a little concerned. He starts heading up to the scroll room, intending to stop the argument before it results in violence.

"YOU HAVE AN UGLY BUTT!" Naruto yells.

"YOUR BUTT IS UGLIER!"

Fugaku opens the door to see Sasuke and Naruto glaring right into each other's eyes. Naruto is bending down to better glare at Sasuke, while Sasuke is craning her neck to better stare down Naruto.

"You know what?" says Naruto, lowering his volume to a gloating, much quieter shout. "I bet you're just jealous because you're a girl so they didn't test you!"

"I am not!" snaps Sasuke, pushing Naruto away from herself. "Like I'd want to be the reincarnation of some stupid, smelly man!"

"MEN ARE NOT SMELLY!"

"YOU ARE SMELLY!"

"I HAVE A BATH EVERY DAY!"

"SO DO I!"

"I DARE YOU TO TAKE THE TEST!" yells Naruto, out of the blue.

"FINE, I WILL!" Sasuke snaps. "BUT I'M NOT TAKING _YOUR_ TEST!" She slams her hand down on the Indra test seal and activates her chakra.

No red buzzer blares at Sasuke. A gold backdrop appears behind her, complete with trumpets, confetti and balloons.

"SASUKE IS INDRA?" Fugaku yells in surprise. "BUT SASUKE'S A GIRL!"

"DAD!" Sasuke turns to Fugaku with angry tears in her eyes, and her sharingan flashing, with all three tomoe spinning around and around. "I don't want to be the reincarnation of some smelly old man! I'm a LADY!"

Fugaku pinches the bridge of his nose and sighs exasperatedly. "As the reincarnation of Indra, you have enormous potential and power," he says, trying to comfort his hysterical daughter. "Let's try to look on the bright side."

"But I already have those things, because I'm an Uchiha!" snaps Sasuke, glaring at Fugaku in a way that would normally get her extra chores.

"That's not necessarily a guarantee of power," says Rain.

"Yes, you never met Obito," says Fugaku, stroking his mustache. "But he was a good example of an Uchiha who was not very strong or powerful. _I'd_ say you have lots of potential because you're my daughter."

"Obito?" says Naruto, cocking his head to one side. "You mean that dippy-looking kid in the stupid goggles that was on Kakashi sensei's gening team?"

Wind starts laughing, holding her hand over her masked face to smother her giggles.

"Naruto, you used to wear goggles," says Kakashi a hint of sadness in his voice. "You can't make fun of someone else who does."

"I do it all the time," shrugs Naruto. "After all, I grew out of it, 'tebayo."

"Dad, why couldn't Itachi or Eizo be Indra?" demands Sasuke, interrupting the conversation about Obito's goggles. "Or even Shisui. They're the geniuses! I mean, Eizo is two and he can sense chakra signatures."

Fugaku has not heard that one before. "What?" he says. "Since when?"

"That's how he found me at the forest of death," says Sasuke sulkily. "He followed a trail of my chakra signature."

"How did you work that out?" says Fugaku, unsure if he should believe it.

Sasuke pouts and tosses her (still green) hair. "Oh, come on! It's obvious. I asked Eizo how he found me, and he said he followed my Thingy. He obviously means chakra signature." If Sasuke's left arm was not in a sling she would have her arms crossed indignantly.

"How long have you known this without mentioning it?" asks Fugaku, crossing his arms indignantly.

"Like, a month," says Sasuke, sticking her chin out and trying to cross her arms indignantly, but failing because she cannot bend her left arm the right way.

Fugaku sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose again. "Dammit, Sasuke!" he says. "You should have told us that as soon as you found out. That's important!"

"Hmph!" Sasuke tosses her head.

"Okay," says Wind calmly. "We have Indra and Ashura. Let's send a message to Nagato and start teaching these two kids the Seal to Seal away Zetsu. Let's hope Sasuke has learned enough fuuinjutsu to understand the jutsu."

"I will go send a message to Nagato," says Rain. He turns and leaves the room, closing the door behind him.


	183. Tears and Tantrums

Hiruzen hears Jiraiya giggle and elbows him. "Shh, we'll get caught!" he whispers.

Jiraiya passes Hiruzen his binoculars and points him in the direction Jiraiya was looking. "Check that out," grins Jiraiya.

Hiruzen's eyes widen. Such perfect shape and smooth skin. So supple and firm… Hiruzen feels a trickle of blood running from his nose.

Oh, how he missed peeping at the hot springs.

Jiraiya pulls out a telescope and joins in, giggling lecherously. "That's right, turn around just a little more…"

A bird flies in front of Hiruzen's binoculars before crossing Jiraiya's line of sight. "Damn," curses Hiruzen. That young lady sunk down into the water while the bird flew past. They missed everything.

"Stupid messenger bird," Jiraiya scolds the bird.

Hiruzen tears his eyes away from his entertainment and turns to look at Jiraiya. "Who's sending you a message?"

Jiraiya takes the message from the messenger bird, who is perched on his arm. "One of my spies' contacts," says Jiraiya, all seriousness. "I'm needed in the Land of Snow, and in many other places too."

"You are needed here as well," says Hiruzen sternly. "We need you to help teach the sealing jutsu to Sasuke and Naruto, and to help protect them while they learn it."

"Iruka and Kakashi can help them learn the jutsu," says Jiraiya, feeding the messenger bird. "Kurama's Guards and Akatsuki can protect them." He tips his head back and looks up at the messenger bird as it flies away. "Kazama and Arashi will look after Kimiko for me while I am gone. But I must go. I've left my spy network alone long enough. Let me know when those kids master the jutsu."

"Suit yourself," says Hiruzen. He does not feel sorry for Jiraiya at all. "Good luck handling the tears and tantrum."

"What tears and tantrum?" asks Jiraiya, looking very worried.

Hiruzen laughs pitilessly. "You'll see. Now, I have to go bug Asuma about getting married." Hiruzen leaps down from the tree and ditches Jiraiya to go find Asuma. Hiruzen is going to have to swing by Naruto's house later to see how well Jiraiya handles the tears and tantrum.

After a relaxing walk, Hiruzen arrives at the training ground where Asuma is training his genin team. "Hello Asuma," says Hiruzen.

Asuma blocks a punch from Ino and glances over at Hiruzen. "Oh, hi Dad."

Shikamaru and Choji turn from their kunai practice and wave to Hiruzen. "Hey Old Man," says Shikamaru.

"So Asuma," says Hiruzen, deciding to lead up to the nagging. "How is your team doing?"

"They are doing well," says Asuma, taking a puff on his cigarette.

"And how's your love life?" asks Hiruzen, taking a puff on his pipe.

Asuma chokes on his cigarette smoke.

"He went on a date with Kurenai sensei the other day," says Choji, pulling out a bag of popcorn and munching down a handful.

"Oooh," says Hiruzen, grinning gleefully. "Kurenai, eh? She's a nice young lady."

"They are such a cute couple!" squeals Ino, giggling. "We were spying on them and they were so lovey-dovey!"

"Staying undetected was troublesome," adds Shikamaru, hiding a grin.

"Dad, stop!" chokes out Asuma, getting all flustered. "And you three can shut up!" he glares at his team.

"Shikamaru, stop lying," says Hiruzen. "Your time with Naruto and Hinata taught you how to hide well."

"It was still troublesome," says Shikamaru, taking some of Choji's popcorn.

Hiruzen laughs. Some things never change.

* * *

"Daddy, why are you packing?" asks Kimiko, a confused frown on her face.

"I have to go attend to my spy network," says Jiraiya, stuffing his writing materials into their storage scroll. "I'll be gone for a few months, but I will come back."

"Mummy left for a few months and never came back," says Kimiko. Her voice sounds curiously blank and yet, somehow, defensive.

"I am a legendary sanin," brags Jiraiya. "I'm not going to die that easily!"

Kimiko's frown gets slightly deeper. "If you leave and don't come back, I'll be an orphan," she pouts, crossing her arms.

"I will come back," says Jiraiya, wondering why Kimiko is being so unreasonable. "It's just some spy work - it's not overly dangerous."

"But I don't want you to go," says Kimiko, her frown getting bigger. "I want you you to stay here with me."

"But I have to go," says Jiraiya, patiently. He rolls up his storage scrolls and stows them in his backpack. "I'll be back before you know it."

Kimiko's glare increases a hundred fold. "But I want you to stay."

Rather than continue to insist that he must leave, Jiraiya simply gets up, hoists his backpack onto his back and exits Arashi's study.

Or, at least, he tries to.

Kimiko starfishes herself across the doorway in an attempt to block Jiraiya's path. "NO!" she growls. "DON'T GO!"

Jiraiya picks Kimiko up by the back of her jacket and places her out of his way. There is no point in trying to argue with an eight year old.

Jiraiya, who told Kazama and Arashi he was leaving before Kimiko got home from the Academy, turns and heads towards the door. All he has to do is leave. Naruto knows Jiraiya is leaving, but he does not care all that much. Kimiko is the only person so far to object to the idea of Jiraiya leaving.

"Can I come?" asks Kimiko, latching on to Jiraiya's leg.

"No, it's too dangerous," says Jiraiya, attempting to pull the kid off his leg.

"But I can fight now!" whines Kiimiko. "I've been learning at school! You have to take me!"

"A second ago you wanted me to stay," comments Jiraiya, hobbling to the kitchen to get help. "Make up your mind."

"TAKE ME WITH YOU!" whines Kimiko, beginning to wail loudly.

When Jiraiya arrives in the kitchen, Iruka, Kazama and Naruto are sitting at the table hovering over some blueprints.

"Oh, hello Jiraiya," says Kazama, looking up from the blueprints. "Ready to leave? By the time you get back, the extension will be built. Iruka found the solution to our dispute over the pool."

"That's good," says Jiraiya, taking a quick glance at the blueprints. "What do I do about this?" he asks, pointing to Kimiko. Kimiko has big tears rolling down her cheeks and snot pouring out of her nose. She is wailing loudly, and has her arms and legs wrapped around Jiraiya's legs. "Is this the tears and tantrum Lord Third warned me about?"

"That is definitely what he tried to warn you about," says Iruka, rubbing his temples. "I'll bet he laughed at you in advance, too?"

"Mercilessly."

"The only way to get her off you is to distract her," says Kazama. "Let's see now…" She thinks for a bit before saying, "Kimiko, do you want to look at the plans for the extension?"

"NO! I WANT DADDY TO STAY!" Kimiko screams, increasing her grip on Jiraiya.

"Kimiko, if you don't be quiet and let go of your Dad's leg, we won't let you have any gummy snakes for a month," threatens Iruka calmly.

"NO SNAKES!" Wails Kimiko. "I WANT DADDY!"

"Stop acting like a spoiled brat!" snaps Naruto, marching around the table and shaking Kimiko by the back of her jacket. "Pervy Sage is going to be back soon anyway. It's not he'll be gone for years or something, 'tebao."

"SHUT UP!" Kimiko unwraps one arm and hits Naruto.

Naruto grabs Kimiko's arm and tries to pull her off Jiraiya. Iruka grabs Kimiko around the waist and pulls hard. Kazama heads over and tries to pry Kimiko's other arm off Jiraiya. Jiraiya bends down and helps, but Kimiko just grabs onto his arms as well. Kimiko is crying louder, and is somehow stronger than Naruto, Iruka and Kazama combined. Or it could just be that they are at a disadvantage due to not wanting to hurt her to accomplish their goal.

 _Stomp, stomp, stomp._

The back door bangs open, and Namiko marches in through the music room. Her face is twisted into a thunderous glare. She storms up to Kimiko and says, through gritted teeth, "Stop. Screaming."

"NO!" screams Kimiko.

 _Whack!_ Namiko hits Kimiko hard, right across the face. "I said stop."

Kimiko stops struggling and stares at Namiko, aghast. "You're not the boss of me," Kimiko says, sniffing angrily.

"I don't care," says Namiko, straightening her shoulders dominantly. "You're being a big crybaby. It's disgraceful."

Kimiko lets go of Jiraiya and slaps Namiko awkwardly. "Stop acting like you're all grown up! You sound like an old lady!"

Jiraiya sneaks away while Kimiko is distracted.


	184. The Newest Akatsuki

"And then," says Deidara enthusiastically. "It went BOOM!" She throws her arms apart, making her ponytail bounce.

"That's nice," says Kisame, dismissively.

"Shut up or I'll kill you," says Kakuzu, flatly.

Haku laughs and says, "But how could that village appreciate your art if you blew them up?"

"Ah…" Deidara looks stumped. "I didn't think of that." Deidara is the newest member of Akatsuki. She is a couple of years older than Haku, and a little too obsessed with explosions. Deidara is paired up with Kakuzu, who does not like her at all and would have killed her by now if Yahiko hadn't threatened to cut Kakuzu's pay in half if he did. "But I appreciated it."

"Don't encourage her, Haku," scolds Kisame. "We don't want any of her 'art' while we are in the Hidden Leaf."

"Deidara won't do any art while we are in the Leaf, will you, Deidara?" says Haku, smiling winningly.

"No, un," says Deidara, her verbal tic coming out.

"Shut up, we're there," says Kakuzu sternly.

Haku looks away from Deidara and sees the Gates to the Hidden Leaf up ahead. Finally, she gets to see the village Team Seven comes from. As they walk through the gates, Haku looks around at what she can see of the Hidden Leaf. The most obvious things she can see are the Four Great Stone Faces on the mountainside, and the fifth one under construction. Kakuzu, Deidara and Kisame stop at the guard booth just inside the gates and collect their visitors' passes.

Kisame hands one to Haku and says, "Stop staring, we need to get moving. It is only a few hours until the meeting."

Haku looks around as they walk through the village, noting that trees and bushes fill as many spaces as they can throughout the village. Every building has at least one tree or plant either beside it, on the roof or on a balcony. People openly stare at the four members of Akatsuki as they pass. Haku mostly ignores them, but Deidara grins and waves at the people they pass. Finally, they reach the Hokage Tower and head up to the Hokage's office.

Kakuzu knocks on the door.

"Enter!" calls a voice from inside, and they do.

The Hokage sits regally behind his desk, his chin resting on his hands, and a fluffy grey kitten sitting on one shoulder. Purple rinnegan eyes gaze upon the four members of Akatsuki with a seriousness that does not quite fit with the presence of the kitten.

"Oooh, a kitty!" says Deidara. "Can I blow it up, un?"

"No you can't," says the Hokage. "I am Fugaku Uchiha, Fifth Hokage of the Hidden Leaf. Who are you?"

"I'm Deidara. I like art."

"She means she likes blowing things up," says Haku.

"A unique art style, nice," says the Hokage. "And the rest of you?"

"I am Kakuzu, Akatsuki's financial manager," says Kakuzu. "The blue guy is Kisame Hoshigaki, and the girly-girl here is Haku. Ignore Deidara, she's new."

"Nice to meet you all," says the Hokage. "I assume you are all here for the meeting about killing Zetsu?"

"Can I use him for my art, un?" asks Deidara enthusiastically.

"As nice as it would be to burn him with fire," says the Hokage seriously. "I don't think that will actually kill him."

"Aw…" Deidara droops sadly.

"The meeting is at 2:30 this afternoon," continues the Hokage. "Come back here a few minutes before it starts and someone will show you to the meeting room."

* * *

Kakuzu inspects the quality of the room he is sleeping in. Konoha has a free hotel for guests. Kakuzu approves because he is a guest. If he was the one running the hotel's funds, he might not approve quite as much. The hotel is nicer than he would expect a free hotel to be, but not as nice as he would expect a hotel for political guests to be.

But, then again, Kakuzu only accepts the best (unless he's going for the free option, then he commits murder if the free option is not good enough). Pleased enough with his accommodation, Kakuzu heads back into the longue area of the suite he is sharing with his companions. Kisame is sitting on the puffy couch, flicking through TV channels. Haku is making iced lemonade and feeding it to Samehada, which is wagging its hilt like it is a tail.

Blood Mist? More like Weird Mist.

Something appears to be missing. Ah well, Kakuzu flops down on the couch and watches the program Kisame just settled on - something to do with food. Kisame approves of this show: one of the chefs saves money on cooking clothes by just wearing an apron while he cooks.

A few hours later, at about two in the afternoon, Kisame asks, "Where's Deidara?"

"Oh, she hasn't come out of her room yet," says Haku flippantly. "That is nothing unusual, though. She often shuts herself in her room all day planning her art projects."

"Oh, so that's what's missing," says Kakuzu, mentally kicking himself for forgetting about his field partner. "I better go get her, the meeting is in half an hour." Kakuzu heads to Deidara's room and knocks on the door. He receives no answer, so he knocks louder. Still receiving no answer, Kakuzu opens the door.

Deidara is not in there. The window is open,though.

Kakuzu takes a deep breath and goes back to the lounge room. "Deidara is gone," he tells the other two.

"Did you kill her?" demands Kisame, getting up off the couch and making frantic hand gestures. "You know you are not allowed to do that!"

"Of course not!" snaps Kakuzu, angrily. "Maybe Samehada ate her!"

Samehada responds to that accusation by biting Kakuzu.

"She probably just wandered off, or something," says Haku. "You guys go look for her. I'll wait here in case she decides to come back in time for the meeting."

Kisame pulls out a dog leash and collar. "Come on, Samehada! Walkies!"

Samehada runs over to Kisame, using four of its spikes as legs. It sticks its tongue out and wags its tail like a dog.

Kakuzu refrains from pointing out that Samehada is not a dog. Samehada does not need to know that.

Once Kisame has put the collar and leash on Samehada, they head out, leaving Haku to paint her nails purple. Kakuzu and Kisame head to the nearby park, to see if Deidara went there. Unfortunately, there are no explosions nearby they can follow. Kakuzu is disappointed, even though the lack of explosions is a good thing. If Deidara was blowing stuff up, she would be a lot easier to find. Deidara is not at the park.

"Do you have any idea how long Deidara has been gone?" asks Kakuzu, feeling a bit fed up.

"Nope," says Kisame cheerfully. "She could've left as soon as our backs were turned. We have twenty minutes to find her and still arrive in time for the meeting."

"If you were a 17 year old pyromaniac, where would you go?" asks Kakuzu.

"I'd probably find a demolition site and help destroy it," says Kisame, scratching Samehada behind its non-existent ears.

"Hey, you," says Kakuzu, grabbing a random passerby by the collar. "Are there any demolition sites around here?"

"Not that I know of," says the Leafy. "But there's a construction site over that way." The Leaf Villager points towards the southern part of the village.

"Thanks," says Kakuzu, releasing the local. "That is helpful, so I will not charge you for wasting my time."

"Wow," says the local, sarcastically. "Thanks. I really appreciate it." The local wanders off muttering, "Weirdo."

Kakuzu and Kisame head in the direction the Leafy indicated. After walking through the village for some minutes, they entre a section of the village that is under construction. Construction workers and a few assorted genin are building houses, erecting fences and planting trees.

Samehada gets excited and practically drags Kisame through the construction zone. Kakuzu follows, hoping that Samehada smelled Deidara. They only have ten minutes until the meeting starts. Samehada leads Kisame and Kakuzu to a walled compound with the Uchiha symbol on the front gates. The gates are wide open, but the distance from the centre of the village gives the place the feeling of a ghetto. Kakuzu realizes that the construction projects are an attempt to fill in the gap between the compound and the rest of the village. Samehada tears right through the open gates and runs up to a pregnant girl sitting on a porch reading.

Kakuzu recognizes this girl. "Hello," he greets her. "It's been a while since we met in the ruins of the Hidden Whirlpool."

"Hello," says the girl, stroking Samehada like it's a real dog. Samehada wags its tail and licks her hand. "I remember you: you're the one who beat up two shinobi with moderately high bounties with a briefcase full of cash."

"How did you know I had cash in my briefcase?" asks Kakuzu, surprised and impressed that she figured it out.

"Simple logic, really," says the girl. "I am Itachi Uchiha. I did not tell you at the time, but my ANBU identity has a very high bounty. Obviously, I have retired from ANBU."

"So you are pregnant," comments Kakuzu, sceptically. "I thought you had better financial sense than that."

"It was an accident," Itachi says evenly. "I am going to need a very high paying job to support him while his father looks after him. Maybe I'll collect your bounty and steal your job."

"Oooh!" says Kisame, grinning. "I like her! Do you think if we bring her back with us, they won't notice we lost the blonde one?"

BOOM! The entire wall around the Uchiha compound explodes. Deidara leaps out of the explosion screaming excitedly while some nearby builders cheer.

"Too late," says Kakuzu. "We found the blonde one." He marches over to Deidara, grabs her collar and drags her off in the direction of the Hokage Tower. "We are late for our meeting, you idiot!"

"But I made beautiful art!" protests Deidara.

Kisame and Samehada follow along, laughing.


	185. A Civil Meeting

"HAKU!" Naruto jumps on Haku, knocking her to the ground with the force of his hug.

Sasuke wonders where she's seen this Akatsuki member before. Oh, that's right. That's the chick she met in the forest in the Land of Waves. The one that inspired Sasuke to dye her hair blue.

"Oh, do you two know each other?" asks Sasuke's Dad from his seat at the head of the meeting table. They are in the council room, waiting for everyone to arrive for the meeting about Zetsu. The Konoha elders are present, along with the clan heads and Wind and Rain. Sasuke and Naruto are attending because they are instrumental in the plan to defeat Zetsu and stop Kaguya from returning.

"Yeah, we met in the Land of Waves," says Naruto.

"She's the Ice Style User I told you about," adds Sasuke.

"Ah, I see," says Sasuke's Dad. "Where are your comrades? There were four of you last time I checked."

"We lost the new girl, so Kisame and Kakuzu went to find her," says Haku, smiling softly. "They will arrive once they do."

"Can we wait for them?" asks Rain from his seat at the other end of the table to Sasuke's Dad. "They have news that might affect our plans."

"Is everyone willing to wait?" Sasuke's Dad asks the assembled council.

They all agree except Shikaku Nara, who already fell asleep on the meeting table.

"Very good," says Sasuke's Dad, and they all settle down to wait.

Five minutes later, three more Akatsuki members arrive. A huge blue man who has a weird spiky thing on a leash, a guy in a mask and a blonde girl about Itachi's age.

"Sorry we are late," says the creepy guy in the mask. "The blonde one wandered off to go and find something to blow up."

"I blew up a wall!" says the blonde one. "The people appreciated my art."

"What people? What did you blow up?" demands Wind.

"She blew up the wall around that ghetto on the edge of town," says the fish man. "The construction workers and that one pregnant chick seemed cool with it."

"Speaking of which," says the creepy guy. "Rain, remind me to talk to Yahiko about recruiting Itachi Uchiha for Akatsuki."

"Ghetto?" says Choza Akimichi, confused. "We don't have a ghetto in the Leaf, do we?"

"Yes we do," says Sasuke's Dad, sounding a little embarrassed. "I live there."

"Well you don't have a wall anymore," says the blonde one cheerfully. "I turned it into art."

"Good," says Sasuke's Dad, nodding firmly. He gestures to the three empty seats beside Haku, who managed to ditch Naruto and take a seat in the five minute wait. "Take a seat. Everyone, these three are Kakuzu of the Hidden Waterfall, Kisame Hoshigaki of the Hidden Mist and Deidara of the Hidden Stone. Kisame, Kakuzu, Deidara: these people are the Leaf clan heads, our elders, my kid Sasuke, and our local head prankster Naruto. Now that we are all introduced, let's begin the meeting." Fugaku Folds his hands on the table. "Before we begin the important business, does anyone have any questions?"

"I have one," says Shikaku. "I would like to know how our Akatsuki guests managed to recruit a Stone ninja to Akatsuki."

"Oh," says Wind. "We were approached by the Hidden Stone a month ago. They wanted us to quietly get rid of a problem kunoichi, who kept terrorising the Stone Village and the country. They were at their wits' end, and out of other options, so they came to us. We told them we had a better solution: we could take Deidara here under our wing if they agreed to an alliance with Akatsuki and the Hidden Rain. The Tsuchikage was reluctant to ally with us until Deidara decided his house wasn't artistic enough."

"It was one of my best explosions," sighs Deidara, blissfully.

"Yeah, he gave in as soon as he saw his house blow up," laughs Rain. "So now we have a lovely, pyromaniac artist on our team."

"And soon we will have that Itachi chick too," adds Kakuzu. "It's been a long time since I've met someone I didn't want to kill."

Sasuke pulls a face. Itachi can't join Akatsuki, she's pregnant.

"Does Itachi know she is joining Akatsuki?" asks Sasuke's Dad evenly.

"Oh, you know that chick?" says Kisame, grinning. He is unaware that he is walking on thin ice by calling Itachi 'that chick'. "It was her idea to join Akatsuki. She threatened to turn Kakuzu in for his bounty and steal his job. But we like her, and Samehada thinks she has nice chakra-"

"She does," agrees Karin's mum from her end of the table.

"-That chick also said something about working while she makes the baby-daddy raise the brat," continues Kisame. Sasuke sees her Dad's eyebrows lower into a dangerous frown. "I gotta say, I like the idea of swapping Kakuzu out for someone Samehada likes. And if that chick wants in once she has her baby, that would be awesome, even if Kakuzu doesn't leave."

"Kisame," says Sasuke's Dad, lowering his sunglasses and placing them on the table. "That's my daughter you are talking about. Watch yourself." His rinnegan spin slowly.

Kisame's face drops a little as he realizes he was talking disrespectfully about the Hokage's daughter.

Sasuke smirks, but does not say anything.

"Now, shall we get back to the meeting?" says Sasuke's Dad, raising his eyebrows pointedly.

"Yes, do," says the elder Koharu. "What is this meeting really about? Is it about this business with the Sacred Scrolls of the Hidden Whirlpool?"

"Yes, it is," confirms the Hokage. "For those of you who do not know, the Sacred Scrolls of the Hidden Whirlpool were written by the Second Hokage, Kagami Uchiha and Ashina Uzumaki. They each hold half of a sealing jutsu and a record of the history of the Senju, Uzumaki, Uchiha and Umino clans. We are directly descended from Kaguya Otsutsuki. Our enemy Zetsu is her youngest son. His goal is to revive her, and to do that, he needs all nine Tailed Beasts and an ancient statue. If Kaguya is revived, the entire world will be cast into a genjutsu and used as a chakra farm. We cannot allow that to happen, so we must stop Zetsu.

"Stopping Zetsu is Akatsuki's goal. We are allied with Akatsuki so we will aid that cause," he continues. "The seal recorded in the scrolls was specially made in order to seal away Zetsu. However, it has not been tested properly yet and it requires two very specific people to use it. Those two people are the two sons of the Sage of Six Paths: Indra and Ashura Otsutsuki."

"But they died a long time ago," says Inoichi, frowning. "The jutsu is unusable."

"They reincarnated," says Sasuke's Dad gravely. "Indra and Ashura grew to despise each other so much that they had to reincarnate to finish their fight. The cycle can only be broken if the reincarnations truly become friends. The Sacred Scroll from the Temple of Joe has two seals that can be used to find the reincarnations. After much searching, we finally found the current reincarnations purely by accident because Naruto is Naruto."

"So who are they then?" asks the elder Homura.

"Sasuke is Indra and Naruto is Ashura," says Wind, calmly. "That is why they are at this meeting."

Inoichi, Shikaku, Choza and Okami start laughing. Hiashi sniggers and Shino's Dad adjusts his sunglasses. Tsume Inuzuka raises her eyebrows and disbelievingly says, "Really?"

"Wow," says Deidara, grinning. "Indra must've been awesome in his previous life if he reincarnated into a girl."

"I was Madara Uchiha," whispers Sasuke, looking down and wringing her hands. No one hears her because Tsume starts laughing maniacally while Sasuke is speaking.

Sasuke's Dad face palms. "Quiet," he says. "We are not here to discuss why one of the reincarnations is female. We are here to discuss the security arrangements Naruto and Sasuke will need while they learn the sealing jutsu."

"Wind and I will be a part of their security detail," says Rain. "And I am sure that Kurama's Guards will assist us. We will need to find a safe location to train Naruto and Sasuke in."

"What's wrong with training them here in the Leaf?" asks Homura banging his stick on the floor irritably.

"Zetsu can easily pass in and out of the barrier around the Leaf without raising the alarm," says Wind. "We need to take Naruto and Sasuke to a location that is easy to defend and that Zetsu will have trouble getting in and out of."

"What about the old Uchiha temple?" asks Sasuke's Dad. "It is easy to defend and has chakra coded barrier seals that, once activated, should keep out Zetsu."

"That might work," agrees Rain thoughtfully.

"I have a better idea," says Naruto loudly. "Why don't we go to the Temple of Jashin? It's surrounded by a wall of fire that burns anything that touches it unless you fill the requirements to get past. Since I became the leader of the Order of Jashin, the entire Order would help us fight Zetsu if I asked them, 'tebayo."

"Send them to the Temple of Jashin," says Okami firmly.

"Yes, Okami sama," says Sasuke's Dad.

"Is she allowed to give you orders?" asks Kakuzu.

"She's the Uzumaki Queen," says Sasuke's Dad. "She can give anyone orders."

"Oh, I see," says Kakuzu, nodding. "The world would be better off if a Queen sat on the Whirlpool throne again. I remember when the big five Hidden Villages were built. The Whirlpool was already a great power that no one dared mess with. Without the Whirlpool, the other Hidden Villages have grown weak and complacent. Shinobi are not what they used to be."

"Haha, you're old!" laughs Naruto, pointing at Kakuzu. "Hey, Mr. Nice Hokage, I want all of Team Seven to come on this mission, not just Sasuke and me. Can Kakashi sensei and Madoka come too?"

"Alright," agrees Sasuke's Dad. "Kakashi and Madoka will accompany you and Sasuke as bodyguards along with Wind, Rain, Kurama's Guards and Iruka. Is there anyone else you want to drag along for the ride, Naruto?"

"Nope, that's good, 'tebayo."


	186. Madoka Challenges a Four Year Old

Backyard cricket is intense when you have a lot of people playing it. Originally, Iruka was just playing cricket with Namiko, Kimiko and Aki. Kakashi came over to visit on the grounds that he had not met with Naruto's legal guardians for a progress update in a while. He brought his wife and kids, so Iruka took Aki, Kimiko and Namiko outside to play while Kakashi chatted with Arashi and Kazama about Naruto's progress. Tenzou settled on the lawn with Minoru to watch the cricket game.

Everything was going fine and quite calmly. Then Madoka, who was getting healing lessons from Kurama's Guards, caught wind of the fun and decided to join in. Then four of Kurama's Guards joined in. Then Tenzou gave Minoru to Sei (who elected not to join in the game) and joined in herself. Finally, Kakashi, Arashi and Kazama finished their conference and came outside. They joined in too.

So now they have 13 people playing backyard cricket while one more tries to stop a crawling baby from eating every flower he sees.

"OUT!" screams Aki, annoyed that Madoka missed hitting the cricket ball. "LET ME BAT! YOU SUCK!"

Madoka gives the feisty four-year-old the cricket bat and says, "Let's see you do better, kid."

Aki's face twists into a frown of concentration. "Bring it, nerd."

"Oh is that how you want to play it?" says Madoka, picking up the ball and getting ready to pitch. "I'm not going to go easy on you just because you are sensei's kid."

Aki sticks her tongue out at Madoka. Madoka takes a step back and bowls the ball fast and strong. Aki swings the cricket bat. The bat connects with the ball with a thud, sending it flying. The ball sails across the garden and over the fence into the neighbors' garden.

A moment later, the unmistakable sound of glass breaking shatters the silence Iruka had not realized was there. Everyone was watching the exchange between Madoka and Aki in absolute silence, but now…

"S***********T!" yells Tenzou, holding the sides of her head in panic.

"Oh, great!" groans Arashi, face palming. "Not again!"

"Aki! Why?" says Kakashi, taking the bat away from his daughter. "Why did you hit it so hard?"

"What do you mean, 'not again'?" asks Madoka. "Has Aki broken a window before?"

"No," says Kakashi.

"Naruto did," says Iruka. "We were playing rugby, he threw the ball too hard and it went right through the neighbor's window. She was not impressed."

"Judging by the lack of shouting and swearing," says Kazama calmly. "She is not home right now. If only there was a way to fix it before she found out…"

"I'll be right back," says Tenzou, and vanishes through the fence. She reappears a minute later looking a little tired. "I took care of all the glass and replaced the window with shutters. They will be harder to break."

"Do you think they'll notice that their glass window is now a wooden shutter?" asks Namiko, cocking her head to one side.

"Yes. I also left them a note explaining that due to a recent glass failure, their window needed to be replaced with a shutter. Since they were not home at the time, we went ahead with the work anyway. I signed it with one of my secret fake seals that are meant to look official. If they look into it, they will be redirected to the Hokage or ANBU."

"Good job," says Kakashi, grinning. "I think that's probably enough backyard cricket now. We don't want to break anything else because Madoka can't stop himself from picking a fight with a four year old."

"Wait, Madoka picked a fight with a four year old, 'tebayo?" Iruka turns to see Naruto opening the front gate. Wind, Rain, Sasuke and Lord Fugaku are with him.

"I WON!" yells Aki.

"Haha, you lost to a four year old!" laughs Naruto.

Madoka blushes in embarrassment and glares at Naruto.

"Guess what?" says Naruto, changing the subject excitedly. "We are going on a mission! Team Seven! WOHO, 'tebayo!"

"A mission?" says Madoka, sceptically. "But Sasuke is in a wheelchair! We can't go on a team mission!"

"And that is where you would normally be right," says Lord Fugaku. "But we need people to guard Sasuke and Naruto while they learn the seal to defeat Zetsu. Kakashi and Iruka: you two are going to help them learn the jutsu. Madoka, you get to go along because Naruto asked if you could. Wind and Rain are going for extra security, and Kurama's Guards are going for regular security. I need all of you to come to my office so I can brief you on your mission."

"Ah, about that," says Sei, holding up a finger. "Only half of the Guards are actually in the Hidden Leaf right now. The other five went to find Shukaku's, Matatabi's, Gyuuki's and Saiken's Guards, and one went back to Kurama's Temple because one of us needs to be there at all times. Only five of us are available to begin this mission right away."

"That is alright," says Lord Fugaku. "Five is plenty. You will have Wind, Rain, Kakashi, Iruka and Madoka, so there will be ten guards on the trip."

"Trip?" says Namiko. "You mean they're leaving the Leaf Village?"

"Yeah, we're going to the Temple of Jashin, 'tebayo," says Naruto. "It's the safest."

"I'm coming too," says Namiko firmly. "I want to see the Temple of Jashin. And I want to stay with Daddy. And I can fight too."

"Well, alright then," says Lord Fugaku. "So long as your family agrees."

"I have no problem with her coming," says Iruka. He wants Namiko to stay with him as much as possible before he has to give her back to Mei.

Kazama sighs. "I hope this won't be for too long," she says. "As much as I would love a quiet house, I do want Namiko around as much as possible."

"Yay, Namiko is coming too,'tebayo!" grins Naruto.

"Well, that settles it," says Lord Fugaku. "But if Zetsu does find you, make sure she is kept well out of danger. We don't want an angry Mizukage on our hands. Look after your kid, Iruka."

"Yes, sir," says Iruka. He does not need to be told: he will protect Namiko.

* * *

Gaara signs the last bit of paperwork for the day and stacks it in the pile of completed paperwork with a flourish. He is done. Now his paper-pushers just have to file all his completed paperwork for him.

It is finally time to go and play the Game of Life with Temari and Kankuro. Gaara gets up from his desk and heads home, bidding good evening to the desk-workers on his way out of the Kazekage Tower. When Gaara arrives home, his siblings already have the game set up. He takes his seat and they begin.

About half an hour and a lot of chips later, they are halfway around the board. Kankuro is earning most of his money from the dead relatives squares. Temari is married with a son. Gaara is single, powerful, wealthy with a high-paying job and he has an adopted son.

There is a knock on the door just as Kankuro inherits 10,000 yen from an uncle who died in a tragic accident.

"I'll get it," says Temari, getting up and heading to the door. Gaara hears Baki sensei's voice and an unfamiliar voice. Then Temari reappears and says, "Gaara, there are some people here to see you." She plops herself back down in her seat and goes about taking her turn.

Baki sensei enters, followed by a man in red and black and ten people, five men and five women, dressed in matching uniforms. Their jackets and trousers are the same shade of sandy brown as Shukaku and decorated with markings that resemble the blue-black markings on Shukaku. Their heads are covered by plain, sandy-coloured headwraps.

 _IT'S THEM! IT'S THEM!_ screams Shukaku in excitement.

"Who are you and why is Shukaku so excited to see you?" Gaara asks, wondering why all the newcomers have uniforms except one.

One of the people dressed like Shukaku steps forward. "We are Shukaku's Guards, an ancient order tasked by the Sage of Six Paths himself to protect Shukaku. This man here," he gestures to the man in red and black, "is one of Kurama's Guards. He came to us recently to tell us that Kurama's jinchuuriki told them of Shukaku's whereabouts. We came as soon as we could, braving sand storms and the desert sun to find you so that we can do our job and protect Shukaku. Since you are his jinchuuriki, Gaara, we will protect you and your family and your village as well. We are at your service, Gaara of the Sand."

 _I want to hug him!_ Says Shukaku longingly. _I want to hug all of them! My people! My guards!_

Gaara steps forward and hugs the Guard who spoke. "This is from Shukaku," he says. Then he hugs each of Shukaku's Guards one by one. "He wanted to hug all of you. He's just so happy you are all here."

"What is going on?" demands Gaara's father, appearing in the hallway behind Shukaku's Guards.

"I have brought Shukaku's Guards to protect him and his jinchuuriki," says Kurama's Guard. "Naruto Uzumaki sent me."

"Oh, it's a Naruto thing," says Gaara's Dad, sighing. "Gaara, you can't keep ten strangers in our house. Find somewhere for them to live."

"Yes, Dad," says Gaara smiling. His Dad is a lot nicer now days. "Baki sensei, find somewhere for Shukaku's Guards and this guy to stay tonight. We can discuss permanent arrangements tomorrow. I need to finish the Game of Life."

"Oh, I love the Game of Life," says one of Shukaku's Guards.

"Me too!" grins Gaara. "Do you like sand castles?"

"They are the best!"

"On the count of three, name your favorite hobby. One two three…"

"Raising cacti!" Gaara and the Guard say together.

"Favourite food?"

"Salted tongue!"

"Did we just become best friends?"

"Hell yeah!"


	187. Zetsu's Lucky 13

The newly named team, Zetsu's Lucky Thirteen, gathers at the gates of Konoha to go to the Temple of Jashin. Wind and Rain are the first to arrive, followed by Madoka Haruno and his parents. Next to arrive are Kakashi and his wife and kids. Namiko, Iruka, Naruto, Kazama and Arashi arrive with five of Kurama's Guards soon after the Hatakes. Last to arrive is Sasuke with her parents and little brother.

"It looks like everyone is here already," Lord Fugaku says to everyone. "You had best be on your way. There is no time for loitering at the gates."

"Sweet, let's go, 'tebayo!" says Naruto and simply starts walking towards the gates.

Arashi grabs Naruto by the back of his chunin vest saying, "Aren't you forgetting something?"

"Like what?" asks Naruto, screwing up is face in confusion. "I packed plenty of spare undies."

Arashi sighs. "No Naruto, it is something far more important," he says gravely. Then he hugs Naruto incredibly tightly. "We need to have good-bye hugs!"

"Exactly," agrees Kazama, hugging Naruto from the opposite side to Arashi.

Apparently agreeing with that sentiment, Madoka's mother crushes Madoka in a hug. Sasuke's mother gives her crippled daughter a much more gentle hug than Naruto and Madoka are getting.

"Make sure you eat properly," Madoka's mother says.

"You better not flaunt your grounding sentence while you are on this mission," says Lord Fugaku to Sasuke. "I told all Kurama's Guards and Wind and Rain the rules you have to follow because I know Kakashi does not care what you do because you aren't his kid."

Sasuke rolls her eyes, but Madoka nods obediently.

Wind glances over at Kakashi to see his reaction to Fugaku's warning, only to see that Kakashi is not paying any attention to the rest of the group at all. Kakashi is, in fact, off to one side kissing Tenzou. Kakashi has his mask down, however, due to the angle Wind is looking at Kakashi from, she cannot see his face. Aki is standing off to one side with Minoru in her arms pulling disgusted faces. However, Aki does not look as though she is about to stop watching her parents kiss. Wind nudges Rain and points out what Kakashi's little family is up to.

"Aww," coos Rain.

"That's so cute," whispers Wind, giggling.

Apparently finished hugging the stuffing out of Naruto, Arashi and Kazama turn their attention onto Namiko and Iruka. By giving his adoptive parents their goodbye hugs willingly, Iruka escapes being crushed like Naruto was. Namiko, however, is reluctant to give out hugs and consequently nearly gets squeezed flat.

Kakashi finishes snogging his wife and pulls his mask back up. Then he crouches down and hugs both his kids at once. "You two be good," he says. "And don't go breaking any more windows, Aki."

"Yes, Dad!" says Aki loudly.

"Good girl," smiles Kakashi. Then he releases his kids and straightens up. "Alright, Team," he says, turning to the gathered crowd. "Let's be on our way."

Zestu's Lucky Thirteen sets off with Kakashi in the lead and Wind and Rain bringing up the rear. Kurama's Guards space themselves out in a defensive formation around the rest of the team. Madoka and Naruto wave over their shoulders to the people standing in the gates seeing them off.

* * *

Yugito Nii of the Hidden Cloud is napping in a tree. Originally, she was hiding from that irritating Killer Bee, but the tree she chose to hide in turned out to be comfortable, so Yugito decided to take a nap. The sun is warm on Yugito's skin, and her tree provides just enough shade that it is not overbearing. She is not quite properly asleep yet, and she sighs sleepily, shifting her weight slightly in order to make herself more comfortable.

Just as Yugito is finally falling asleep properly, she is shaken awake by a messenger. "Lady Nii," the messenger says urgently. "Lord Raikage wants you in his office right away!"

Yugito growls slightly in annoyance and leaps down from the tree, ignoring the messenger. Yugito heads to the Raikage Tower by the scenic route, taking her sweet time. He who summons Yugito when she does not want to be summoned must wait for her to grace him with her presence. Even if it is the Raikage.

When Yugito deigns to appear in the Raikage's office half an hour later, Lord A is visibly peeved. "You called?" says Yugito in a stuffy tone of voice. She pointedly ignores the ten strange people in classy uniforms that are waiting around in Lord A's office.

"THAT WAS AN HOUR AGO!" roars A. "And these people came a long way just to find you!"

Yugito turns to look at the ten people in uniform and notices an eleventh - a plain woman dressed in red and black. The woman smiles at Yugito, and Yugito finds herself unable to help smiling back. "You should fire the messenger," Yugito say haughtily. "He took half an hour just to find me."

One of the ten uniformed people laughs smoothly, covering her mouth with a delicate hand.

"Don't encourage her!" growls Lord A, wagging a finger at the uniformed lady. Then Lord A turns back to Yugito and says, "This lot say they are some ancient order called Matatabi Guards, and the red one says she's one of Kurama's Guards. The guards are here to protect you and the Two Tails, and the red one brought them here with a letter from the Hokage confirming their legitimacy. They're all yours, now get them out of my office and find somewhere for them to live."

"Of course," says Yugito, yawning. She is glad that Matatabi is asleep right now, or who knows how excited the cat would be. Matatabi has mentioned her Guards many times, and she and Yugito often left the village to search for them. However, they never get very far before being dragged back to the Cloud for some reason or other.

All ten of the Guards still wear their original uniform. They are all wearing black trousers, shirts and shoes. Their blue calf-high spats and blue, tailed frock coats add an air of class and sophistication to their uniforms. The buttons on the left side of their outfits are all the same green as Matatabi's left eye, and the buttons on the right side of their uniforms are the same yellow as her right eye. Each Guard has a gilt broach in the shape of a sprig of catnip pinned to their left lapel. Next to the member of Kurama's Guards, Matatabi's Guards look prim and polished.

Once she has led Matatabi's Guards outside, Yugito leds them around the side of the Raikage tower to a small park and sits down, motioning for the Guards to do so as well. "I am Yugito Nii," she introduces herself. "While we wait for Matatabi to wake from her second afternoon nap, I would like to tell you that the two of us set out to search for you all many times, but had no success. I am glad that this member of Kurama's Guards found you all and brought you here."

"Kurama himself sent me," says Kurama's Guard. "One of us is also looking for Gyuukui's Guards. They will be here in a day or two, so I would advise going into hiding until they have arrived and settled down."

"Thank you for the warning," says Yugito, feeling a shiver crawl down her spine. "We shall go into hiding forthwith. There is no knowing if Matatabi will wake in two seconds or two years, and since she is always angry when woken, I will not wake her. Now, please: tell me all your names."

* * *

Matatabi wakes to the smell of fish cooking. She can smell it through Yugito's seal, a phenomenon that only occurs with fish and catnip.

Matatabi stretches and yawns. _Yugito!_ She calls out to her jinchuuriki.

For once, Yugito answers right away. _Matatabi, you are finally awake. Wait one moment._ A moment or two later, Yugito's consciousness appears inside the seal. There are ten others with her.

Matatabi's Guards.

 _Look who turned up in the Cloud while you were sleeping!_ Says Yugito.

 _How long have they been here?!_ Demands Matatabi, wiping her tails back and forth. _Why didn't you wake me?_

 _You made it clear so many times never to wake you,_ says Yugito, taking a step backwards. _We didn't dare to try and wake you._

 _This is the one thing I would have excused being woken for,_ says Matatabi, calming down slightly. She never did tell Yugito to wake her right away if her Guards appeared while Matatabi was sleeping. _Now, my Guards. Tell me your names, and which of the guards who knew me that you are related to. I wish to know your pedigrees._


	188. Gyuuki's Guards

Iruka has a splitting headache by the time they reach the Temple of Jashin. Namiko, it turns out, can talk just as much and just as loudly as Naruto if provided with the right topic. Madoka, it turns out, is very good at coaxing Namiko to talk about that topic: mermaids. In the month he's known his daughter, Iruka learned that she liked mermaids, but he never actually got her talking about them. In the 12 hours since Zetsu's Lucky Thirteen left the Hidden Leaf, Namiko has not stopped talking about mermaids. And all because Madoka asked if she likes them.

 _The joys of parenthood, my ass,_ thinks Iruka as they approach the Temple of Jashin, which is still a few hundred metres away. _At least Naruto has a volume button of sorts. Still, I don't want to shut her up, since she very rarely talks this much and it's nice to see her getting along with someone._

"...And I'm sure I saw one swim away," Namiko is saying excitedly to Madoka. "There _was_ something shiny in the water and I heard singing, I _know_ I did!"

Iruka is a little glad that Namiko has not yet brought up the mermaid from Gravity Fails. He is sure it is only a matter of time, though.

"Did you know that there's a parallel universe?" says Namiko, making Iruka sigh for speaking too soon. "It's where Sparky and Mrs. Sparky and Moonbeam and Sparkles come from. They have mermaids there, I saw one at Gravity Fail. She was very pretty, only she wanted to eat my brains. That wasn't very nice of her, although she did say 'please' when she asked if she could. She's ever so nice for someone who wants to eat people's brains."

"Whaaa...bu...why...eh...?" Madoka fumbles over his words with an astonished expression on his face.

Luckily for everyone, Namiko's explanation is interrupted before it can begin. The Order of Jashin runs up to the team, all excitement and cheering. "Our leader has returned!" they rejoice, lifting Naruto onto their shoulders and holding him high in the air. "Hooray for the Leader!"

"Who are all of these people?" demands Kakashi, frowning.

"The Order of Jashin," says Naruto, grinning. "They're cool, 'tebayo."

"Leader, how long are you staying with us this time?" asks one of the Jashinists.

"I don't know," admits Naruto. "We're here to learn a jutsu to kill a black and white plant monster, so we'll be staying until Sasuke and I've learned the jutsu, tebayo. Everyone else is here as guards, and to help us learn the jutsu. I looked at it and it's really complicated, 'tebayo."

"I am sure you will learn the jutsu easily!" declares one of the Jashinists. "Will you introduce us to your friends, Great Leader?"

"Sure!" agrees Naruto, and proceeds to introduce Zetsu's Lucky Thirteen to the Jashinists. Once the introductions are all out of the way, Naruto, still on the shoulders of his followers, says, "Onward to the Temple, dattebayo!"

"Yes, Leader!" chouruses the Order of Jashin, and marches towards the Temple.

"Come on, then," says Kakashi, following the Order of Jashin, and motioning for the rest of his team to follow.

* * *

Killer Bee is trying to write a rap song. Gyuuki is concerned. Very concerned. "Bee," he says sternly. "The problem with this rap is not your lack of enthusiasm. The problem is the words. They don't flow."

"But my style…" Bee tries to argue, but she is interrupted by the sound of rap music.

"YEAH!" Screams a voice, followed by the unmistakable beat of shoes dancing out a rhythm on the ground. And then a voice begins to rap:

" _Have you heard the word on the street?_

 _Have you heard the word around town?_

 _Hell yeah, my brother, I heard from another,_

 _It looks like Gyuuki's been found!"_

Bee, who is lying in the grass with a notebook and pen, looks up to see who is dropping those sick beats. Coming towards Bee and Gyuuki are ten people, five men and five women. All ten are dressed alike in high tops, jeans, tank tops, leather jackets and crooked caps. They all have shiny, golden bling hanging around their necks and wrists. They dance as they come, stomping out the rhythms on the grass with their feet, and on their bodies with their hands.

" _Since ages past we've filled a grand role,_

 _To guard a bijuu, that's what we've been told._

 _But for a hundred years, no bijuu's been there!_

 _Now we've found you, and we'll guard you too!_

 _We're Gyuuki's Guards! YEAH! Wee!"_

Their rapping is not as a good as their beats, but it is still far, far better than Bee's. The guards all finish up in what they probably think are epic poses, but Gyuuki thinks that they could all do much better. They are not bad poses, they are just a bit cheesy.

Bee does not share Gyuuki's opinion on the matter. She leaps to her feet, her fists clasped in enthusiasm, and her eyes sparkling. "AWESOME!" she yells. Then she tries rapping too. " _You drop sick beats and your bling is gangsta! We should throw a rap concert right now, fool ya fool! YEAH!_ "

Gyuuki sighs.

"YEAH!" Gyuuki's Guards agree, fist-pumping the air enthusiastically.

* * *

Black Zetsu straightens his bowtie nervously. Then he picks up the bouquet of flowers he bought from a florist and the wrapped box containing the florist. The florist is not happy about being part of Zetsu's romantic gift, but Zetsu thinks that the mermaid would prefer a fresh human brain. Now that he is presentable and has his gifts in hand, Zetsu, who has never tried to woo a female before, breaks into the mermaid's enclosure at the Gravity Fails petting zoo.

The mermaid is sitting on a rock combing her long, wavy, turquoise hair and arranging it over her bare chest. "Oh, hello," she says, when she spot Zetsu. "Have you come to stare at my breasts like every other man who breaks in here?"

"No we have not," says Zetsu, honestly. "We heard you also like to eat humans, so we brought you gifts." He hands the mermaid the flowers and the box. "Usually the humans in this world give females chocolate or some other treat, but we just brought you a human."

The mermaid accepts the gifts gracefully. "I am flattered," she says. "But I do wonder what you taste like."

"We probably taste of shadows and plantlife," says Zetsu. Now for the real question. "Would you consider going on a date with us?"

"Oh!" the mermaid's eyes widen and she covers her mouth with her hand. Then she blushes in embarrissment. "You are very sweet, but I only date my own species. I am sure you can see why it is not a good idea to date someone you want to eat."

Zetsu feels sad. "Oh," he says. "Well, thank you for hearing us out."

The florist wakes up and starts banging on the side of the box. The mermaid jumps. "Oh!" she says, startled. "He's alive! Oh, that makes it so much more fun."

"Hey look!" says a voice from outside the enclosure. Zetsu and the mermaid turn to see two of the Uzumaki zoo keepers standing by the enclosure gates. "That plant monster is back, and he's trying to woo the mermaid. Cute."

"That is cute," agrees the other zoo keeper. "Hey that reminds me: apparently Akatsuki and the Leaf managed to learn the secrets of our sacred scroll. They've found the reincarnations of Indra and Ashura and they've taken them to the Temple of Jashin with a sizeable guard detail. I heard they're going to learn a jutsu that will kill some creature called 'Zetsu'."

"Huh, good for them," says the other zoo keeper and the two move on.

"Oh my!" says the mermaid, looking astonished. "What is this 'Zetsu' and is it tasty?" she asks.

"We are Zetsu," says Zetsu. "We must leave and deal with the annoying humans who wish to destroy us. Goodbye, fellow human-eater."

"Goodbye!" says the mermaid, smiling. "Thank you for the flowers and the human. I shall have to eat him before the head human comes. He sees all but he is slow."

Zetsu sinks into the ground and speeds away as the mermaid opens her box of florist and starts to seduce the poor human into wanting to be eaten. Zetsu feels a pang of sadness. It's a pity the mermaid sees him as food.


	189. Hashirama the Builder (Can He Fix It?)

Lord A is working out when Karui and Omoi, Bee's little sidekicks, run into A's dojo. The poor kids look panicked. "What do you two want?" Lord A demands, pausing his workout briefly.

"Lord Raikage, Bee sensei has some new friends and they are all throwing a big rap concert!" says Karui, tears of distress welling up in her eyes.

Lord A growls a low, angry growl and drops down from his pull-up bar. Omoi ducks behind his sister and starts crying. Lord A thought that making Bee train these two kids would serve the dual purpose of toughening the kids up and teaching Bee some responsibility.

Seems not. The kids are still wimps and Bee is still irresponsible.

Leaving the kids whimpering in the dojo, Lord A stomps through the wall and heads in the direction of Bee's Chakra. He storms through the village until he comes to where the rap concert is being held.

On a stage with flashing lights and fake fog, ten amazing rappers are dropping some sick beats. Some of them are playing musical instruments, some are dancing and some are singing, and all of them are contributing to the raping in some way.

And then Bee steps onstage and joins in the rapping.

Lord A leaps onstage and slams her face-first into the stage floor. "I'VE TOLD YOU NO RAP CONCERTS, BEE!"

A moment later, three of the rapper gang have Lord A face down on the stage floor. "Don't move," says one of them, his voice a dangerous growl.

"Are you alright, Bee?" asks another, concern in her voice. "Did he hurt you?"

"Explain yourself, ****!" orders one of the rappers, planting his foot on Lord A's head.

"That's my brutha, fools, ya, fools," raps Bee. "You let him go or you'll answer to me, WEEE!"

The rappers all turn and stare at her in astonishment.

"BEE!" thunders Lord A, taking the opportunity to break free of the rappers and grab Bee by the ear. "WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE AND WHY ARE YOU THROWING A RAP CONCERT?!"

"They're Gyuuki's Guards!" says Bee, flapping her hands about and trying to break free. "They like rapping too!"

And in that moment, Lord A knows: Gyuuki hates Bee's rapping because Gyuuki is a master rapper.

* * *

The Masked Man whose identity no one but Black Zetsu knows sits at a table studying an old scroll. He is in their hideout, so his mask is lying on the table beside him. With no one around to see his face, the Masked Man does not see any need to wear his mask. The scroll he is studying contains one of the jutsu he will need for Zetsu's plan.

The Masked Man looks up when he hears Zetsu entre the hideout. "How did your mission go?" the Masked Man asks. He doesn't know what Zestu's mission was.

"We learned some valuable information," says Zetsu. "White Zetsu is verifying it as we speak. Our enemies have unlocked the Sacred Scroll of the Hidden Whirlpool. They have gone to the Temple of Jashin to learn the jutsu to kill us. We must strike first - before the enemy can master that jutsu."

"Perhaps it would help advance our plans if you gathered the materials we need for an attack on the Temple of Jashin," says the Masked Man. "I will learn the reanimation jutsu."

* * *

Kazama opens the front door and welcomes in the First Hokage and Tenzou Hatake. "Come in, come in," she says, ushering them into the kitchen. "Sit, sit." Kazama guides both shinobi to a seat and pours them each a cup of tea. Then Kazama sit down with her own cup of tea.

"So," says Lord First. "You've finally decided on a layout for your extension, then?"

"Yes we have," says Kazama, feeling an immense sense of relief from saying those three words. "And I would like you two to build the extension while most of the household is away."

"So then you've just accepted Kurama's Guards as part of your household?" asks Tenzou solemnly.

"They aren't going to leave; I might as well," sighs Kazama, burying her face in her hands. Then, deciding to focus on the bright side of things, she adds, "At least they are free babysitters."

"Would you like us to make their accommodations more permanent?" asks Lord First. "They are going to be staying, whether you like it or not. If we adjust the buildings and add some plumbing and electricity then they can stay out there and live out there and you could probably charge them rent."

Kazama has to stop herself from immediately going full mercenary. "We really should be paying them for their services, not charging them rent."

"Get the Hokage to pay them," says Lord First, grinning. "They are protecting the Leaf Village's jinchuuriki, after all. Then, you can charge them rent to live on your property. It doesn't have to be much - just enough to cover the cost of paying for our services and any repair work in the future."

"That is a good plan," says Kazama, nodding. "I will do that. Now, about our extension." She points to the rolled up blueprints sitting on the end of the table. "Those are the blueprints. Take a few days if you need to to lay the groundwork. I know a plumber and an electrician that I can call in when you are ready for them."

"Right then," says Lord First, standing up. "Let's get to work."

"You finish that cup of tea and this muffin first!" Orders Kazama, handing Lord First and Tenzou each a muffin.

* * *

"How come Namiko and Madoka get a break?" whines Naruto, who is none too happy about the fact that he and Sasuke are still studying while Namiko and Madoka play hopscotch.

"Because Namiko is five and Madoka is watching her," says Iruka sternly. "Five year olds should not train for very long at a time."

Kakashi feels a stab of regret and wishes that Iruka was _his_ Academy Teacher. But no: Kakashi got some old man who thought that five year olds were perfectly capable of graduating the Academy and going off to kill people and fight wars.

"You're just biased because she's your kid," says Sasuke, glaring at Iruka. Apparently, Sasuke is sick of studying too.

"Now, now, you two," says Kakashi calmly. "Whose shoulders does the fate of the world rest on? Yours or theirs?" He points across the Temple porch to where Namiko is hopping from chalk square to chalk square while Madoka claps in time to the little brat's hopping.

"But the fate of the world is heavy!" winges Naruto plantitvly. "My shoulders need a break, 'tebayo!"

"Fine, go have a break," relents Iruka, sighing. "You have five minutes."

"Only five minutes?" complains Naruto.

"Five minutes is better than nothing, idiot," says Sasuke. "Take me into the Temple, I want to look at more cat pictures." Naruto wheels Sasuke into the Temple proper, leaving Iruka and Kakashi alone with the Sacred Scrolls.

It is their third day at the Temple of Jashin, and Naruto and Sasuke are already bored of studying the Sacred Scrolls. Not one explanation Iruka gives for how the jutsu should work is adequate. Even Kakashi, who knows both Naruto and Sasuke and how they learn, cannot give a satisfactory explanation to both of them. An explanation that will work for one leaves the other so totally confused that reminding them of a previous explanation they understood makes it worse.

"Kakashi, I think we should teach them separately," says Iruka solemnly. "Once both of them understand the jutsu, and know what they have to do, then we should be able to combine their separate parts in the jutsu."

"If only Jiraiya was here," says Kakashi. "He knows how to teach better than either of us. He's had way more students, after all - one-on-one students, that is."

"That is true," agrees Iruka, nodding. "I've only had Naruto and Tenten as actual apprentices. You have Team Seven. But Jiraiya has had seven students counting Naruto. He is certainly good at explaining things - he managed to explain many fuuinjutsu techniques to Sasuke, Naruto and Namiko without confusing any of them."

"And you couldn't?"

"I somehow leave one of them confused every time."

"I reckon it's because Sasuke's an Uchiha. Uchihas don't do fuuinjutsu," says Rain, appearing beside them unexpectedly. "To explain anything to a group of kids you have to know how each one's mind works. Jiraiya can do it because he's taught such a wide range of students."

"We'll split them up for now,"says Kakashi. "But if they can't combine it once they've learned it, we will need Jiraiya."

Kakashi hears a thud followed by crying. He looks over to see that Namiko fell flat on her face and bruised her nose. Namiko jumps up and runs over to Iruka and buries her face in his chest to have a good cry. Iruka just grins and hugs her, all sympathetically. Kakashi suddenly misses his kids and feels sad.


	190. Friends

Utakata has not slept in two days. There are people chasing him and they just don't quit. Utakata is one more sighting of his pursuers away from asking Saiken for help.

...And there they are.

 _Saiken!_ Utakata calls out mentally to his tailed beast. _A little help please?_

 _Let them catch you,_ replies Saiken. _They're friends of mine._

 _How do you know them?_ Asks Utakata, astonished. _Did my predecessor know them?_

 _Oh no, their ancestors raised me,_ says Saiken. _They are my bodyguards. You can tell by the uniform._

 _You couldn't have mentioned this sooner?_

 _You could've asked sooner._

Utakata stops running and turns to face his pursuers. There are eleven of them: one is wearing a strange red outfit, and the rest are wearing white and light blue running shoes, light blue momohiki pants, white sports jackets decorated with blue cuffs, sleeve stripes and number sixes, and white sports caps.

"So you finally stopped running away," says one of the sporty ones, a basic sports lady with a ponytail. "Can we introduce ourselves now?"

"No," says Utakata firmly. "Get lost."

 _HEY! Keep them! They can help you keep other people away!_ Saiken protests.

 _Shut up, I'm trying to get rid of them,_ snaps Utakata.

"We have a job to do," says one of the other sporty people. "And that job is to protect Saiken. You will not stop us."

And in the brief moment before he is hogtied and carried off to a fancy temple with a statue of Saiken out the front of it, Utakata knew he messed up.

* * *

Zetsu shuffles into the Masked Man's room. The Masked Man is sitting at his desk, surrounded by scrolls, his mask lying to one side. "Are you done yet?" asks Zetsu. "The prisoners take too much feeding. We need to use them soon, or we will eat them and get new ones when you finish learning the jutsu."

"You came at the right time," says the Masked Man, looking up from his scrolls. "I was just about to go looking for you. I have finished learning the jutsu."

"Good, then we will prepare the reanimations and set out for the Temple of Jashin," says Zetsu. "And if those silly children who dyed their hair green for some reason are not finished learning Tobirama's jutsu, everyone at the Temple will die."

"How are we going to breach the barrier?" asks the Masked Man.

"By grafting Uzumaki DNA into our bodies," says Zetsu. "We caught one of the order of Joe. They are slow and easy to catch, and their blood is very Uzumaki. Come with us."

* * *

Kakuzu weighs up his options. Kill the annoying seventeen year old versus a 99% pay cut from his boss. That's a lot of money to lose… But she's so annoying… But money…

"Hey have you ever thought about blowing open a bank safe?" says Deidara cheerfully. "That would be artistic AND get money. We should do that once we've found these Guards, or whatever they are."

And just like that, Kakuzu does not want to kill her anymore. "Sure, why not."

As they round a bend in the forest path they are walking down, Kakuzu and Deidara see a whole village of tree houses. The tree houses are arranged with one large one in the middle of many smaller ones. There are rope bridges and ladders connecting the buildings to each other and the ground.

Kakuzu spots a person on one of the walkways and calls up to him, "Hey! Is where the Seven Tails' Guards live?"

The young man stops walking and leans over the rail. "Yes, this where the Seven Tails' Guards live. I am Torune Aburame, one of the newest Guards. How may I help you?"

"I'd like to see your leader," says Kakuzu. "I know where the Seven Tails' Jinchuuriki is."

A swarm of insects bursts out of the doors of the largest tree house. Riding on the swarm is a woman in pink and black goggles and a long, pink coat. She rides the swarm, arms crossed, until she's standing in front of Kakuzu and Deidara. "What was that you just said?" she demands.

"I know where the Seven Tails' Jinchuuriki is," repeats Kakuzu, wondering if this woman has a bounty. The pink is hurting his eyes. "I am here to take you to her."

The pink woman throws her fists in the air and yells, "AWESOME!"

* * *

Sneaking ten brightly coated weirdos into the Hidden Waterfall is hard enough, but Kakuzu also has to drag along Deidara. One is doable, the other is insanity.

"Can we tie her up?" asks a yellow-coated and goggled Guard, in a desperate whisper as two of the other guards stop Deidara from blowing up a house.

"Did we have to bring her?" asks a lime-green Guard. The coats, goggles and gloves they all wear seems to be their uniform, but all of the Guards are so brightly and uniquely coloured.

"Yes," says Kakuzu, who is secretly glad there is one other non-brightly dressed person with him. "Yes to both."

Chomei's Guards converge on Deidara and tie her up securely. "Let us proceed," whispers the Leader.

Deidara glares at Kakuzu. "I will turn you into art."

"I won't take you to the bank when I go to collect that debt that one bank teller owes me," says Kakuzu. "And was going to let you turn the place into art, too."

Deidara blinks a couple of times. "You mean you meant it about robbing a bank?"

"Yes." Kakuzu creeps around a tree and through some rocks, not even bothering to check if the brightly coloured bug people are following. Eventually, Kakuzu reaches his destination: a wonky tree house a short distance away from everything else. He needs to get this over and done with so he can go rob a bank to let off some steam. Kakuzu climbs up to the tree house and knocks on the door.

He hears a thud, and then a teenage girl opens the treehouse door. She is odd looking, what with green hair, brown skin and orange eyes. She will fit right in with Chomei's Guards. The girl stares at Kakuzu suspiciously for a second or two then smiles. "Oh, I know you!" she says, surprising Kakuzu. "You're Kakuzu, right? You killed the village elders after they tried to punish you for failing to kill the First Hokage! I've wanted to meet you for ages! I'm Fuu. Do you want to come in for a cup of tea?"

"That's not how you should greet a rogue ninja," says Leader of Chomei's Guards. Apparently they did all follow Kakuzu. "For all you know, he could mean you harm."

Fuu peers past Kakuzu and sees all his tag-alongs. She grins and waves at them. "Hi!" she says. "You are all welcome to come in and have a cup of tea too." Then she frowns. "Why is that girl tied up?"

"She's planning to rob a bank," says Kakuzu. "I am going to go with her later because one of the tellers at that bank owes me money."

Fuu smiles a bit nervously. "Okay," she laughs, stepping aside and holding the door open. "Come in and find somewhere to sit down. There's not much room though."

Kakuzu walks inside, finds the most valuable seat in the room and sits on it. Most of the room is bare, with a few chairs, a table and a cooking area being the only features in the room. The ladder in one corner probably leads to a bedroom area. The Guards file in and dump Deidara on a chair so they can tie her firmly to it. While they do that, Fuu makes a lot of cups of tea.

Fuu talks while she makes the tea and passes out the cups to everyone, including Deidara, who (disgustingly) drinks it through her hand-mouth (she cannot reach her face because of the ropes tying her to the chair). "I don't often get visitors," Fuu chatters. "Especially not in the middle of the night. Are you here for a special reason? Oh, don't tell me, I'll try to guess. Would anyone like a snack? I think I have some Dango somewhere…"

"I think we had better get to the business of why we are here," interrupts Kakuzu, once all the tea is passed out. The chattering is annoying.

Fuu freezes and her smile vanishes. "Can it wait until the tea is finished?" she asks, a pained expression. "I was having fun pretending you aren't all here to kill me or something bad."

"You are the jinchuuriki of the Seven Tails, are you not?" says Kakuzu, wondering just how lonely this kid is to welcome 12 strangers into her house and offer them tea WHILE under the assumption they want to kill her.

"Yes," says Fuu, taking a step back, away from Kakuzu. "What's it to you?"

"I take it Chomei is asleep, then?" says Deidara, her left hand noisily slurping at its cup of tea. "Because if he was awake, he would've told you by now that this lot in the goggles and tacky coats are his guards."

"Our coats are not tacky," says Torune, calmly. His coat is grey and red, making him the only toned down Guard. "But we are Chomei's Guards, and by extension, your Guards, Fuu."

"Hey, that's my line!" says the Leader. "I'm the Leader."

"You're...friends?" says Fuu, a hopeful expression on her face. Then her face goes blank for a few short seconds. Then her face bursts into the happiest expression Kakuzu has ever seen. "It's true! Chomei says it's true! You are our friends!"

"So you are friends with Chomei then?" asks the Leader.

"He's the only friend I've had my whole life," says Fuu simply. "Some people are nice to me, but they are not my friends. Only Chomei is my friend."

Kakuzu suddenly feels very uncomfortable with the amount of emotion in the room. "Come Deidara," he says, standing. "Our task is done here. Let's go visit that bank."

Deidara easily escapes the ropes, thanks Fuu for the tea and follows Kakuzu outside. As they leave, Fuu runs to the door and waves goodbye calling, "Goodbye, Kakuzu! Come again sometime! ...And thank you." She whispers the last sentence, but Kakuzu still hears it, and wonders when he started doing good things for others.

* * *

Two weeks.

That is how long Sasuke and Naruto have been working on the jutsu to seal away Zetsu. Not only can they not perform the jutsu, they still do not understand it. In theory, they both know the jutsu. However, neither one understands it well enough to actually perform the jutsu.

"Teaching them seperately does not work," Kakashi says to Iruka, sighing in frustration. "Apart, they understand their roles, but together they just can't do it. We need to find a way to explain it that they both understand."

"We need Jiraiya," says Iruka, rubbing his temples and leaning on the table they are both sitting at. "I hate to admit it, but this is beyond my experience. I might be able to do this if I had taught Sasuke at the Academy, but Sasuke was in Mizuki's class with Naruto. We need more time; this could take years."

"We do not know how much time we have," says Kakashi. "Since Zetsu knows we have the scrolls, it won't be long before he also learns we have unlocked their secrets. We don't have years. We might not even have days. We need to call Jiraiya now."

Iruka looks up as Rain bursts through the door. "We are out of time," Rain says. "Black Zetsu is here with an army made up of thousands of white Zetsu clones."


	191. Zetsu Attacks

Iruka and Kakashi follow Rain outside, and stand on the temple veranda. Kurama's Guards, the Order of Jashin, Wind and the kids are standing on the veranda and stairs staring at the approaching army. The army of strange white beings is popping up out of the ground like zombies. Sliding across the grass in front of them is Zetsu: half black, half white and encased in a plant.

"That's a lot of Zetsus," says Wind, drawing in a shuddering breath. "At least they can't get past the barrier."

Namiko latches on to Iruka's leg and holds on tight. "How long will it take before there's no food left?" she asks.

"Never," says Iruka, patting her head reassuringly. "There is a seal in the temple that leads to a massive garden. That garden has everything we will need to survive indefinitely."

"I saw that seal," says Naruto, nodding. "I have one of those seals in the back of my wardrobe. The one in the Temple is called Narnia, but my one is just my relic vault."

"Where is this seal?" demands the High Priest of Jashin. "I've never seen it."

"It's that painting at the back of the cupboard in the bathroom," says Iruka. "It's hidden because it is also a final retreat if things go badly. However, the seal can only hold people inside it for a total of 24 hours. That's 24 hours divided up between each person inside the seal, by the way. If all of us went in there, we would only be able to stay a few minutes. But we won't need to resort to that. Our enemy cannot breach the barrier."

The Zetsus are closing in, but they are all headed for the stairs. Everyone inside the barrier could easily escape from the back door. What is Zetsu thinking?

Finally, Zetsu reaches the barrier. "We will give you one chance," he says. "Surrender the scrolls and the reincarnations of Indra and Ashura. If you do not, we will kill you."

"No," says Iruka, pulling the finger at Zetsu. "Get lost."

"Then you will all die," says Zetsu and walks towards the barrier. As he approaches the barrier wavers and then parts to let him through.

The Order of Jashin immediately pulls out their weapons and charges forward to attack Zetsu and his army. Kurama's Guards start herding Naruto and Sasuke away from the step and away from Zetsu.

"Madoka," says Kakashi taking charge of the situation. "Take Namiko and go back to the Leaf for help."

"Take the five trainee priests with you, 'tebayo!" yells Naruto.

The five trainee priests leave the battle against the Zetsus and run back up the stairs. Namiko and Madoka join them. "Follow us," says the trainee priests, and lead the two genin around the back of the Temple.

"Naruto, Sasuke, get over here!" Iruka yells over the sound of his mind screaming 'F***, F****, F***!' on repeat. "Bring the sacred scrolls!"

Naruto drags Sasuke over by the wheelchair. The scrolls are sitting on Sasuke's lap. "Iruka sensei, what are we going to do?" asks Naruto, excitedly. "Do you have an awesome plan to fight back?"

"Don't move," says Iruka, weaving hand signs. Then he turns his back to Naruto and Sasuke and slaps his hands on the ground. "Crimson Lion!" The red, box-shaped barrier explodes out of the ground, surrounding Iruka, Naruto and Sasuke. "You two need to learn that jutsu NOW."

"But I want to help fight!" protests Naruto. "It's not fair, 'tebayo!"

"Naruto, this is how you can help fight!" says Kakashi coldly. "Quit whining and learn that jutsu!"

"Yes Kakashi sensei," says Naruto, hanging his head in shame at his behaviour.

From his position, Iruka can see the battle taking place on the Temple Stairs. Kuaram's Guards are fighting Zetsu himself, however, they are struggling to keep up with Zetsu. Iruka suspects that the only reason they managed to beat Zetsu back last time they met was because all ten of them were present and Zetsu was caught off-guard. However, ninshu is not meant for fighting, and Zetsu knows that. While Zetsu attacks relentlessly, the Guards do their utmost to negate his jutsu.

Beside them, the Order of Jashin fights back the oncoming hordes of white zetsu clones. Kakashi, Wind and Rain join the fight, but the zetsus are coming faster than they can be cut down.

Iruka looks back over his shoulder at Naruto and Sasuke, who are reading their scroll. They both look miserable. They are too young to shoulder the fate of the world. Iruka sighs and turns his attention back to the fight.

One of the zetsu clones breaks through the defence and throw itself at the barrier. The barrier shudders, the zetsu stumbles backwards and Rain appears behind the zetsu and cuts it down. "How long can you hold that barrier?" Rain asks.

"Hours if no one touches it," says Iruka, honestly. "But if those zetsus attack the barrier too much, I won't be able to hold it for long at all."

"Right," says Rain, and plants himself between the barrier and the attackers, ready to cut down any that get too close.

* * *

Madoka follows the five Jashinists around the Temple. Namiko, who is running just ahead of Madoka, stops suddenly and looks back.

"Keep moving!" says Madoka, stopping to shoo the little kid on.

"I want to stay with Daddy," says Namiko. "I'm going back."

"No, you're not," says one of the Jashinists, grabbing Namiko and hoisting her over his shoulder. "You have to come with us. Those are our orders, kid."

"Aw," whines Namiko, pulling a face. "Daddy…"

They continue on around the Temple and soon exit the barrier. The Jashinist holding Namiko moves her onto his back, and they set off at the fastest pace they can go. Madoka estimates that they will reach the Hidden Leaf in two and half hours. He hopes that his allies can hold the Temple until reinforcements arrive.

The small group makes good time through the forests of the Land of Fire. After ten minutes of running, Namiko says, "I want to walk."

"Can you keep up?" asks the Jashinist.

"Yes, plus I'm heavy and you can't carry me all the way back to the Leaf," says Namiko pointedly.

The Jashinist lets Namiko down, and rubs his shoulders. "You _are_ heavy, kid," he says, pulling a face.

"Why is the ground shaking?" asks Namiko, as her feet touch the grass.

"RUN!" yells Madoka, grabbing Namiko's wrist and dragging her onwards. The five Jashinists follow after them, pulling out weapons. White Zetsus begin to rise out of the ground, popping up like daisies. Madoka estimates about 40 white zetsu clones and feels a cold chill of fear. They are hopelessly outnumbered.

The zetsus have no trouble keeping up with Madoka's group. Madoka can hear them laughing and calling things like "Slow down!" "Why don't you fight?" and "Come here, kiddies!"

Madoka glances over his shoulder and sees one of the zetsus grab at Namiko. Madoka, acting on instinct, lets go of Namiko's hand and punches the zetsu into the ground. Then he turns and runs on, grabbing Namiko's hand on his way past and pulling the little girl along.

One of the Jashinists stops and turns to face the oncoming horde. "Keep going," he says. "I'll hold them for as long as I can."

"Don't die," says one of the other Jashinists.

"If I do, I will join Lord Jashin!" screams the Jashinist and charges the attackers.

The rest of the group charges on, none of them voicing the fact that that Jashinist will probably die.

* * *

The Jashinist faces the attacking hoard with no fear in his heart. He will take as many with him as he can!

"Feeling brave?" asks one of the zetsus, grinning.

"YES!" roars the Jashinist, cutting the zetsu in half with his flaming sword. He cuts down another zetsu, and then another.

Then a zetsu grabs him from under the earth and starts draining his chakra. The Jashinist swings his sword and, with the last of his strength, cuts down two more zetsu clones as his body turns to a lifeless husk.

One moment, he is in excruciating pain. The next moment, the Jashinist is in a strange grey world.

Lord Jashin wacks him on the head. "Why didn't you kill more of them?" he demands. "You're better than that measly five!"

"I am sorry, Lord Jashin," says the Jashinist. "I did not expect one of them to grab me like that."

Lord Jashin sighs. "Oh, whatever. Go play hide and seek with Hidan. I told him I would, but I really just wanted him to hide. I'm not going to look for him, he talks too much."

"I will make it my duty to keep him out of your hair," says the Jashinist, bowing. He heads off to go find Hidan, trying not to laugh.


	192. What are the Odds?

Kakashi runs through the mass of oncoming white zetsus, cutting them down with his chidori. It is nearly exhausted, but he managed to take down at least a dozen. Finally, the jutsu runs out, and Kakashi backs up the stairs to survey the battlefield before he charges back in.

Rain appears beside Kakashi, throwing a dead white zetsu down the temple stairs. "Don't let them catch you," he advises. "They will drain your chakra."

"Right," nods Kakashi. "Anything else?"

"Don't let them get near Iruka's barrier. He can't hold it forever, and any attacks that hit the barrier will take away from the time he can sustain it for." Rain kicks another zetsu back down the stairs.

Kakashi surveys the battlefield, looking for an opening to jump back in. In the centre of the stairway Black Zetsu and Kurama's Guards fight their strange battle of countering each other's techniques. To the left and right of that battle, the Order of Jashin fights the white zetsu army. Between Kakashi and Black Zetsu, Wind is fighting off the hoards of white Zetsu that are slipping through the gaps between the defenders. Behind him Rain is protecting Iruka's barrier.

Kakashi leaps forward and attacks the hoards of zetsu slipping around the sides of the other fights. Kunai in hand, he helps Wind fight back the oncoming attackers. The zetsu are coming thicker and faster with every passing minute, and Kakashi is not sure he can hold out for the hours it will surely take for Madoka and Namiko to even reach the Hidden Leaf.

Seeing an opening, Kakashi starts weaving hand signs. "Water Dragon Jutsu!" he says, casting a jutsu he learned from a Mist Ninja. The jutsu sweeps away several zetsus, barely making a dent in the total number of attackers.

Wind is fighting with her hands encased in medical chakra, the kind used as a scalpel. She cuts through the zetsu like butter, killing dozens of them without batting an eyelash.

Kakashi casts an earth style jutsu that sends spikes up out of the ground, impaling several zetsu clones. As the spikes recede, Kakashi sees one of Kurama's guards fall, a wooden spike sticking out of his leg.

One of the other guards, Sei (if Kakashi remembers his name rightly), immediately stops fighting and hoists the fallen guard onto his shoulders. He carries his wounded comrade up the stairs and lays him down beside Iruka's barrier.

One of the Jashinists falls to the ground with a scream, and Sei rushes down the steps to pull her from the battlefield. Kakashi immediately jumps to Sei's defence as the zetsu clones try to cut him down before he can complete his mercy mission. Once Sei is safely at the top of the stairs with his patients, Rain extends his protection to them as well.

Kakashi and Wind notice an immediate increase in the amount of zetsu getting through the first line of defence. Kakashi erects a mud wall in front of himself and Wind in an attempt to slow down the attackers. Wind wipes out the rest of the zetsu on their side of the wall with a giant fireball similar to the ones the Uchiha clan uses. Kakashi wonders where she learned it.

For a brief moment, Wind, Rain and Kakashi have a chance to catch their breaths. They glance at each other. All three of them are a little out of breath. Wind and Rain clasp each others' hands for a second and nod.

"We can do this," says Wind, as if she is trying to convince herself more than anyone else. "We can do this," she repeats firmly.

A sound draws Kakashi's attention back to his mud wall. He turns in time to watch it collapse. A swarm of white zetsu bursts through, grinning as they advance.

Kakashi blasts them with a grand fireball, burning only a handful before the jutsu runs out of steam. He cannot afford to waste chakra sustaining a jutsu for too long. This fight could go on for days.

As soon as Kakashi's jutsu dies away, Wind sends in a water jutsu, calling it the Boiling Water jutsu. The steaming, bubbling torrent of water burns the oncoming zetsu. They fall back, but only for a moment. Soon they are swarming up the stairs again. Kakashi's sharingan tells him that jutsu is a normal water style jutsu, but the water is hot, rather than cold. He files it away for later.

Kakashi, his team and the Jashinists fight on. The zetsus do not stop coming. Long minutes pass in which several of the jashinists sustain minor injuries. Wind occasionally darts into the main battle and gives a little chakra to one of the Jashinists. Kakashi wonders if she should be doing that. Women usually have less chakra than men. However, Kakashi can sense huge amounts of chakra from Wind, chakra that is very slowly depleting as the fight drags on.

After some minutes have passed, another of Kurama's Guards falls. This one is dead, judging by the branches stuck in his neck and chest.

Kakashi feels a pang of sadness, but keeps fighting. There is nothing that can be done for the dead.

Slowly but surely, the defenders begin to see a definite lessening of white zetsu numbers. Kakashi feels an immense wave of relief wash over him as he realizes they might have a chance after all. He doubles his efforts, taking down dozens of white zetsu at a time. Wind and Rain fight steadily, taking out dozens of zetsu with each attack, but their attacks could not be more different. While Wind is flashy and bold, Rain simply dodges and then attacks. As far as Kakashi can tell, neither Wind nor Rain has been injured yet. Kakashi himself is not injured, his only problem is his depleting chakra reserves.

But, he thinks as the zetsu numbers dwindle away, the battle will be over soon. Feeling heartened, Kakashi fights on, as do his comrades.

And then, just as it seems the battle is nearly won, one of the last two Guards falls to the ground with a scream as Black Zetsu crushes her legs with an earth based jutsu.

The battle is not over yet. Kakashi starts to head in the direction of the fallen Guard, ready to carry her up the stairs to Sei. Wind is right beside him, cutting down the zetsus that try to stop Kakashi.

The ground begins to shake and rumble. The stairs break, and Kakashi and Wind are forced to stop. Dozens of white zetsu clones rise out of the ground, making a rocky mess out of the grand temple stairs. Rocks and dirt fly in all directions as an increasing number of the strange white monsters climbs out of the ground. Kakashi's heart sinks to his sandals.

The battle is far from over.

The white zetsus surround Wind and Kakashi, steadily advancing towards them. Kakashi and Wind stand back to back, turning slowly to keep a sharp eye on the newcomers.

Kakashi feels Wind touch his hand. A warm flood of chakra entres Kakashi's body. "Don't waste it," Wind says. "We could be fighting here for days."

"We'll all die if we have to fight that long," says Kakashi gravely, hoping it does not come to that.

"Rain will go for reinforcements as soon as he thinks we can hold our own for long enough," says Wind encouragingly. "Hopefully that is soon."

Kakashi sees Sei and Rain heading down the stairs to rescue the wounded Guard. The last fighting Guard is doing her best to defend the wounded one, but she is struggling.

Sei and Wind reach the Guards. Sei hoists his comrade onto his shoulders and carries her up the stairs. Rain faces down Black Zetsu, a kunai in each hand.

Black Zetsu charges at Rain, ignoring the last remaining Guard. Rain dodges Zetsu's attack easily. Before Zetsu has even completely passed Rain, Rain is already turning to attack, bringing both kunai down on Zetsu's back.

A hand shoots up out of the ground, grabbing Rain by the leg. Black Zetsu turns and punches Rain in the face, shattering his mask and sending him flying up the stairs. Kakashi does not see Rain's face before Rain crashes in the stairs. The force of impact puts a huge dent in the stairs, and Rain stays where he landed, lying face down in a pile of broken paving stones.

"NO!" screams Wind, an expression of horror on her face. A guttural scream escapes from her throat and she turns towards Black Zetsu. "HOW DARE YOU?!"

"You chose the wrong side," says Black Zetsu calmly. "We will win."

Kakashi takes a step back, away from Wind as powerful chakra begins to bubble out of her. It swirls around her body, angry red in colour. Her cloak flaps about her legs and her hood blows off, revealing dark hair. The bubbly red chakra forms a tail.

Bijuu chakra.

Wind charges through the lines of white zetsu to attack Black Zetsu head on. With a scream, Wind throws a chakra-enhanced punch at Black Zetsu.

Zetsu stops her punch by grabbing her fist and sucking away the bijuu chakra cloak. With his other hand, Black Zetsu grabs Wind's mask and tears it off saying, "Why don't you show everyone your face, girl?" Then he throws her up the stairs where she lands beside Rain, her back to Kakashi. The other Guard runs up the stairs to help Wind and Rain, but Zetsu cuts her down, killing her instantly.

Wind struggles to her knees and rolls Rain onto his back so that she can heal his injuries. She is shaking as her hands begin to glow with healing chakra. Rain's injuries begin to heal as Wind pours as much chakra as she can into healing him.

Kakashi can see their faces now. There is no way it is possible, and yet…

"Rin? Obito?"


	193. The Jashinists' Last Stand

Madoka leaps from tree to tree, setting a hard pace for his team mates. The jashinist who carried Namiko at the start is now pulling her along, helping her to keep up. The white zetsus, now slightly less in number, are still following along behind. In the ten minutes since one of the jashinists stayed behind, the white zetsu have caught up and are closing in.

One of the four remaining jashinists, a young, ginger woman with daggers, stops her headlong flight and turns back. "I will kill these plants for the GLORY OF LORD JASHIN!" she yells, and charges her daggers with lightning.

"What are you doing?" says Madoka, skidding to a stop on a branch near where the jashinist stopped. "You'll die!"

"AND I'LL TAKE THESE BASTARDS DOWN WITH ME!" she throws her arms wide and spins around and around, cutting down several white zetsus. The white zetsus she cuts down fall to the grass, sparking with electricity.

Madoka is a little terrified by the wild, murderous rage in the Jashinist's eyes. He is suddenly glad the Order of Jashin is on his side.

"GO!" yells the ginger jashinist, sticking her daggers into either side of a zetsu's head and shocking his entire body. "RAAARRR!" the jashinist roars a war-cry to punctuate her kill.

Suddenly terrified, Madoka turns and runs on. This one actually might make a dent in the number of zetsus.

The rest of the team runs on, through the trees. They make good time, putting some distance between themselves and their pursuers. Namiko is barely managing to keep up on her short legs, but the same Jashinist is still helping her. They keep a constant pace for about fifteen minutes before Madoka hears a sound from behind. He glances over his shoulder and sees the white zetsus, cut in half in number, coming towards his team through the trees.

"They've caught up to us again!" he calls out to the others.

One of the two remaining male Jashinists stops and turns to the oncoming zetsus. "Where is she?" he growls. "What did you bastards do with my sister?"

"She was tasty," says one of the zetsus. The others all laugh and agree.

Madoka covers his mouth in disgust. These things eat people!

"YOU BASTARDS!" yells the jashinist, weaving a complicated set of hand signs. A moment later, he leaps to the forest floor and casts his jutsu. The dirt beneath the Jashinist rises up and encasing him like armour. He pulls out a huge battle axe which he then also coats in hardened rock. "I'LL KILL ALL OF YOU!" the Jashinist roars, charging at the zetsus and slamming his axe into the ground, sending half the zetsus flying into the air. His blow makes a crater that would impress Lady Tsunade.

The rest of the team leaps onto Madoka's tree branch and watch the fight, ready to jump in at a moment's notice.

The Jashinist fighting the white zetsu does not look as though he needs any help, however. He swings his earth-coated axe at a cluster of the white zetsu he knocked back and smashes them all to pieces. Then he turns on the rest of the white zetsu, about ten total, and charges them. Madoka sucks in his breath when the zetsus begin to scatter so that the Jashinist cannot take them all out at once. The Jashinist simply chases them all down and kills them one by one. The Jashinist lets out a roar as the last zetsu falls, and turns back to the team. "Let's go," he says.

The team turns and runs on through the trees. They make good time, although they travel at a pace Namiko can keep up with now that their pursuers are all dead. After a good five minutes of traveling, Madoka begins to relax. They seem to have shaken off pursuit.

A sinister, maniacal laugh echoes through the trees. Madoka stops on a branch and scans the area, trying to find out where the noise came from. The sinking feeling in Madoka's gut is making him feel a little dizzy.

Suddenly, Namiko's face crumbles and she starts to wail loudly. Huge tears roll down her cheeks and she whines, "I want Mummy!"

Madoka leaps over to the branch where Namiko is sitting with her arms wrapped around the tree's trunk. He bends down and tries to comfort the little girl while the three Jashinists make a defensive circle around the two kids. The three Jashinists ready their weapons. The woman pulls out a spiky whip and the two men pull out an axe and a weighty bow respectively.

A white zetsu steps out of the shadows on a nearby tree branch. "So the prey walks right into the trap," it says, mockingly. "Did you really think we would let you get reinforcements? My thanks for saving us the trouble of hunting you down. Now prepare to die." It crosses it arms and laughs again, a creepy, sadistic laugh.

Namiko cries harder and louder. "MUMMY!"

"Take the kids and run," says woman, cracking her whip. More spikes erupt out of the whip making it look more like a narrow hedgehog than a whip.

"We will hold them here," says the axe wielder, coating himself and his axe in rock again.

"Send as many to Lord Jashin as you can," says the bow wielder, pulling Namiko off the tree and attaching her to his back.

"Farewell," says the rock Jashinist, bowing his head. "I hope I see you again in this life, but if I do not may Jashin grant you many good kills."

"Just hurry up and go," snaps the lady. "And if you let them kill you I swear to Jashin I will knit your intestines into a scarf."

"Of course," says the Jashinist carrying Namiko. Then he leaps to another tree. Madoka follows and the three of them snake their way through the zetsus. The other two jashinists defend them as they run, however, a few zetsus slip past them and chase Madoka, Namiko and the Jashinist carrying her.

Madoka and the Jashinist run through the trees as fast as they can, with a few zetsus chasing them down. Namiko clings to the Jashinist like a monkey and sobs quietly into his shoulder. The zetsus follow them close enough to be a problem, but not close enough to attack.

"They are toying with us," comments the Jashinist, after five minutes of fleeing. "Perhaps they are trying to wear us down so that we will be easier to kill."

"We should find a defensible place and fight them," suggests Madoka. "There are only a few of them - we can handle such small number."

I know a place nearby," says the Jashinist. "It should take us about five minutes to get there at this pace. We will stand and fight there."

Madoka agrees and the Jashinist bowman leads the way to the place he mentioned. Once they arrive, he lowers Namiko to the ground and crouches down to her level. "I know this is all very scary and overwhelming," he says firmly. "But I need you to be brave and help us fight, okay? It's time to show us you deserve that forehead protector."

Namiko nods and rubs her eyes dry. Then she takes out two metal fans, opens them and takes a fighting stance that reminds Madoka of Neji's fighting stance.

Madoka pulls up his gloves while the Jashinist tests his bow and readies an arrow to draw and fire.

The white zetsus begin to emerge from the treeline, grinning and laughing.

Namiko frowns in concentration and takes a deep breath. Madoka notices that the fan in her left hand is blue and has the Kanji for water in it, while the other fan is red and bears the kanji for fire.

The Jashinist draws back his arrow, aiming straight at the oncoming zetsus. "Shadow Arrows," he says, releasing the arrow. As it flies, the arrow spawns ten clones. Each one flies straight towards a zetsu. The zetsus dodge, and the arrows miss their marks. However, a second later, the Jashinist lets fly another volley. This time, three zetsus fall.

Madoka leaps forward, draws back his fist and then punches a zetsu into the ground yelling, "Shanarooo!"

Two more white zetsus emerge from the trees and start to circle around behind Madoka and his comrades. Namiko turns and points her fans towards the two new zetsus. A jet of fire shoots out of her red fan, and a stream of water shoots from her blue fan. The zetsus dodge out of the way before they are hit. Namiko spins, moving her fans in sweeping arcs, with one above her head and one in front of her body. The jets of fire and water streaming out of her fans move with her, twisting through the air like snakes. Both zetsus are hit squarely before they can react, sending them flying backwards into a tree.

Two more zetsus replace them from the tree line almost instantly. Namiko dances around the battlefield like a proper fan-dancer. The fire and water attached to her fans dances with her, shrinking and growing and changing shape as she directs with her fans.

Madoka punches and smashes and dodges her way through the zetsu, cutting them down one at a time.

The Jashinist shoots volley after volley of arrows, until he runs out and starts using chakra arrows.

The zetsus come one or two at a time, replacing the fallen. However, their numbers are steadily falling, because Madoka's team is killing them just a little faster than they replenish.

Madoka and his team slowly retreat towards the Hidden Leaf as the battle continues. One step, one tree, one dead zetsu at a time. And soon there are only three left. Madoka feels his heart lift in hope. They can make it! They are nearly there!

And then about a hundred white zetsus step out of the shadows.

Madoka and his team are completely surrounded. Madoka's heart drops right back down and out the bottom of his feet. Namiko's face crumples up and she makes a whining noise. The Jashinist sends a volley of wind chakra arrows at the zetsus closest to him. Before the zetsus he hits have even finished dying, new ones step forward to take their place.

A zetsu shoots up out of the ground and drags the Jashinist to the ground, breaking the Jashinists leg with a snap. "One nasty Jashinist left!" snarls the zetsu, raising a kunai in preparation to kill the Jashinist. "You were only seven. We are limitless. Now die!"


	194. The Art of Bank Robbery

_**AN: Merry Christmas from myself and Ignus Dracorex. (Remember him? You should, because he's the reason this gets written.)**_

 _ **BOOOM!**_

Bank tellers dive in all directions, screaming as Deidara turns their vault door into 'art'. Kakuzu nods approving as he watches the chaos. Deidara lets loose a gleeful cackle and yells, "BEHOLD MY ART!"

Kakuzu strides forward, through Deidara's explosions, and entres the bank vault. An explosion marks his entrance into the vault with perfect timing, sending a strong breeze past him. The breeze causes the stacks of bank notes to flutter up into the air, surrounding Kakuzu as he strides towards his prize. Another explosion from outside the vault sends the rest of the money flying around. Kakuzu stretches out his arms and closes his eyes, breathing in his glorious fortune as it gently floats to the ground around him.

When the explosions stop and the money finally settles, Kakuzu lowers his arms and opens his eyes. Then he places his briefcase on the ground, opens it and activates the seal inside. All the money in the vault is sucked into the briefcase. Once it is all gone, Kakuzu closes the briefcase with a snap and picks it up. Now in possession of a ton of money, Kakuzu leaves the vault. It is time to collect Deidara and go back to the Hidden Rain, where Kakuzu plans to count the money slowly and carefully, many times. Of course, once he has counted the money, Kakuzu will give 3% to the Akatsuki fund. The amount is big enough that 3% will keep Yahiko off Kakuzu's back about surrendering a portion of profits to Akatsuki.

When Kakuzu exits the vault, he sees Deidara sitting on a pile of rubble, surveying her handiwork. "That was beautiful art," she sighs, happily.

"Yes it was," agrees Kakuzu. "Once I have counted our winnings, I will give you 1% of the loot."

Deidara cups her chin in her hand and says, "I did half the work, I should get half the money."

"You know, if I killed you after robbing this bank, getting a pay cut from Akatsuki would mean nothing," says Kakuzu calmly. "And there would be no witness to the fact we robbed this bank so there would be no reason for me to surrender any to Yahiko, leaving me rich and happy and you dead."

Deidara makes an unhappy noise. "10%?" she asks hopefully.

"One."

"Nine?"

"One, and unless you want me to make it 0.5%, I suggest you stop trying to haggle."

Deidara blows up her fringe in exasperation and says, "Give me however much you were going to give Yahiko and I won't tell him we robbed this bank. You won't have to give him anything."

Kakuzu is about to threaten to give her nothing, but Deidara sees the look on his face and interrupts before he can begin.

"I can even come up with a legitimate story to cover our absence," she says, grinning. "After all, we know where all the bijuu guards live, and I also happen to know the identities of the two stone Jinchuuriki. The Temple of the Four Tails is not far from here. We can pretend finding them is what we were actually doing."

Kakuzu frowns in thought. He could pretend he was only going to give Yahiko 2% of the money. But no, Deidera is smart enough to see through that. A longer time spent away from headquarters means more opportunity to collect bounties… "Deal," says Kakuzu, holding out his hand for Deidara to shake. "You get 3% of the money from the vault on the condition you don't tell anyone we were here or what we did."

Deidara shakes. "And now, we pay a visit to the Water Screen Cave to tell Son Goku's Guards where their Monkey King is."

"We are not escorting them," says Kakuzu firmly.

"Of course not," says Deidara, grinning. "But we _are_ going to pay a visit to Kokuo's Guards as well. They aren't far from a nice, big bank."

Kakuzu smiles. This kid isn't so bad after all.

* * *

Namiko screams in horror as the zetsu brings its kunai down on the helpless Jashinist.

 _Clang!_ The kunai is knocked out of the zetus hand by a glowing chakra chain.

"Huh?" Namiko's mouth drops open in confusion. What just happened? She turns to look at the tree line and sees the last person she thought she would see.

Burifu Uzumaki is standing in the grass, an expression of pure rage on her face. Her hair floats around her like a crimson halo as a second chain erupts from her back and binds the zetsu tightly. "How. Dare. You. Attack MY FRIEND!" Burifu growls, stomping towards the zetsu.

The other zetsus leap to attack Burifu, but they are instantly cut down. All of the zetsus die in one fell swoop. The Order of Steve in its entirety steps out of the trees; from the oldest (Pantsu) to the youngest baby: they are all there and they are all mad.

"How dare you attack the baby Umino, eh," growls Pantsu as he tosses aside the dead body of a white zetsu.

"Burifu!" Namiko runs over and hugs her friend. "How did you know we were here?"

"I felt your chakra," says Burifu, hugging Namiko a little too tightly.

Namiko is used to tight hugs now, so she just grins and says, "You saved our lives!"

"That was the point of us coming, little dudette," says Pantsu, shuffling over and patting Namiko on the head.

"Who are these people?" asks the Jashinist.

"They're the Order of Steve," says Namiko.

"The Order of Steve?" says the Jashinist, pushing himself up on his elbows and wincing in pain. "We are on our way to the Hidden Leaf to get help because the Temple of Jashin is under attack. Four of our comrades were killed along the way. Please help us."

"Naruto and my Daddy are at the Temple of Jashin!" pipes up Namiko. "Black Zetsu wants to kill Naruto and his friend Sasuke. And...and there's so many Zetsus and so few of us!"

"Woah," says Pantsu, holding up a hand. "There is no need ta try and convince me. The Four Shinigami Orders help each other. Besides, even if Naruto wasn't at the Temple of Jashin, we would still help on his behalf, since he is our brother too, eh." Then he turns to his family. "Alright, you lot! Everyone below acolyte rank is to escort these three ta the Leaf, eh. The rest of us are going ta the Temple of Joe ta help our cousins, eh."

"What do I do?" asks Burifu. "I don't have a rank."

"You go with your friend," says Pantsu. "This is your time to prove you are worthy to lead the Order when I die."

Burifu salutes and gives Pantsu a determined nod. "Yes Gramps Pants!"

"Yo, Gramps," says one of the Steveites, crouching down, and motioning to Pantsu to climb on his back. "Get on. We gotta go _fast_!" Pantsu does so, and half of the Order of Steve vanishes into the trees.

Madoka runs over to the Jashinist and takes a look at his leg. Then he charges his hands up with chakra, grabs the leg, and pulls on it. Namiko starts crying again because the noise the broken bone makes is disturbing.

The Jashinist screams loudly and makes a noise similar to what Namiko's mummy makes when she is alone and thinks Namiko can't hear. "That pain is so good…" moans the Jashinist.

"What the f****..." mutters Madoka as he fuses the bone back together.

The Jashinist enjoys the pain while it lasts, which scares Namiko, so she cries harder and latches onto Burifu.

The rest of the Steveites just stare at the Jashinist as he moans in ecstasy, screams in pain and foams at the mouth.

Madoka sneakily pulls a needle out of his medical pack and injects the Jashinist. The Jashinist passes out instantly. "That was creepy," he says, and starts bandaging the Jashinist's leg.

"I'll carry him," says one of the adult Steveists. A few of the ones who stayed are adults or teenagers, but most are children. The adult hoists the Jashinist onto his back while Madoka makes sure that the Jashinist's leg is okay.

Once the Jashinist is safely on the Steveist's back, Burifu says, "Let's go to the Leaf! If anyone is feeling down, you know where we keep the liquid courage!" Then she pulls out a bottle of something foul tasting and forces it down Namiko's throat. "Drink up, kid. You need some of that courage I mentioned."

"Wait!" Protests Madoka, trying to stop Burifu from giving Namiko the liquid courage. "She's too young for alcohol!"

Burifu tosses Madoka the bottle. "You have some too. It'll put hair on your chest, or something."

Madoka drinks it. "Huh," he says. "That tasted better than Lady Tsunade's sake, shannaro."

"ALRIGHT!" yells Burifu, leaping into the air, and throwing her arms out. "Let's get going!"


	195. A Desperate Battle

Naruto watches helplessly as Rain and Sei run to help the last Guard fighting Black Zetsu. He looks on as Black Zetsu switches targets to Rain. Sei Manages to reach the safety of Kakashi sensei and Wind's protection with the wounded Guard as Rain and Black Zetsu begin to circle each other.

In horror, Naruto watches as a hand shoots up out of the ground, grabbing Rain's leg. Rain tries to free himself, but he cannot move. Black Zetsu punches Rain's swirly, orange mask, shattering it into a hundred pieces. The hand holding Rain releases him as he flies backwards, crashing into the stairs just below where Kakashi sensei is standing. The stairs shatter, forming a crater around Rain, who begins to bleed from various parts of his body.

Sasuke is watching the fight too. Her face is whiter than Hinata's eyes. The sealing jutsu lies on their laps, forgotten.

Wind turns from her fight with a white zetsu and screams, "NOOOO!" An animalistic growl escapes her throat and she snarls at Black Zetsu. "How dare you?!"

"You chose the wrong side," says Black Zetsu watching Wind calmly, as if she is not a threat to him. "We will win!"

Raw chakra bubbles out of Wind's body, causing Kakashi sensei to take a step away from her, holding his arms up against the force of it. Her cloak flaps around, and her hood blows off.

 _ISOBU!_ Kurama roars, as the chakra coming from Wind forms a tail. _She's Isobu's jinchuuriki!_

Naruto's mouth falls open in surprise.

A moment later his surprise turns to terror as he watches Black Zetsu suck up Wind's Bijuu chakra as if it is nothing. Black Zetsu then tears off Wind's mask saying, "Why don't you show everyone your face, girl?" Then he throws her up the stairs. Wind lands beside Rain, but not nearly as hard.

The last of Kurama's Guards who is still in the fight turns to run up the stairs and help Wind and Rain. Black Zetsu turns and cuts her down.

"NO!" Naruto screams, leaping to his feet. Not another one!

Kurama roars in anger and bashes himself against the bars of his cage.

Wind pulls herself to her knees, blood pouring out of gashes on her arms and head. Shaking, she rolls Rain over, revealing a face that is scarred on the right side but not the left. Wind herself has two purple squares tattooed on her cheeks. Naruto stares at their faces, astonished and fascinated to finally see them. Wind heals Rain, ignoring her own injuries.

Kakashi sensei is staring at Wind and Rain, his eyes wide open. "Rin?" he says, sounding shocked and disbelieving. "Obito?"

Wind looks up at Kakashi sensei. "Hey Kakashi," she says, tears rolling down her face. "I'm so, so sorry."

"But how?" says Kakashi sensei, helplessly. "I saw you die! I killed you!"

Rain opens his eyes, revealing one black eye and one rinnegan. "And I used this rinnegan to bring her back," he says, weakly. "I'll tell you the full story once the battle is over. Don't worry, Kakashi: none of what happened was your fault."

One of Kurama's Guards, the one who got stabbed in the leg, finishes healing his leg and rushes to Wind and Rain. He kneels down beside them and says, "Let me heal him, Wind. You need to attend to your own wounds."

Wind looks at the blood running down her arms in surprise, as if she is seeing it for the first time.

The Guard draws out his healing ninshuu chakra and channels it into Rain. Rain's wounds begin to heal much faster than Wind was healing them.

Kakashi sensei leaps forward, over Wind, Rain and the Guard. He attacks the zetsus, who are coming up the stairs again. Black Zetsu is hanging back, calling up more white zetsus from the ground. The Jashinists join Kakashi sensei, forming a human wall along the temple stairs, blocking any access to the wounded and their healers.

Wind raises her hand to her head and begins to heal the gash above her ear.

Black Zetsu starts to laugh as he sees Kakashi sensei and the Jashinists's efforts. "You will never defeat me!" he says. "I have planned and prepared for this moment for centuries, and you worms have barely had a few minutes. This is only the grunt force. If you maggots manage to get the upper hand, or if the little team you sent off manages to make it to the Leaf and send back help, I will still win. I have more reinforcements waiting, ready to attack. YOU CANNOT WIN!"

"I honestly thought he was going to monologue for longer," says Iruka-nii, glancing over his shoulder at Naruto and Sasuke. "Are you two learning that jutsu, or not?" he demands. "You need to hurry, before it's too late."

 _It's already nearly too late!_ Snaps Kurama, growling and clawing at the bars of his cage. _Hurry, Naruto. Learn that seal before more of our people die!_

A scream draws Naruto's attention to the battle taking place on the stairs. A Jashinist has fallen, cut in two by a white zetsu.

"No, no, no, no, no!" Naruto runs to Iruka's barrier and tries to get through, pressing himself against the forcefield.

"NARUTO!" snaps Iruka, sounding mad. "Stop that! You'll break the jutsu!"

"I WANT TO GO OUT THERE AND FIGHT!" screams Naruto, banging on the seal with his fist. "I CAN'T WATCH ANY MORE PEOPLE DIE!"

"NARUTO!" Kakashi sensei turns away from the fight, a dark expression on his face. "If you don't want anyone else to die here, then LEARN THAT JUTSU."

"Come on, stupid," says Sasuke, her voice shaky. "This is how we can help best, we have to learn this thing!"

Naruto turns to look at Sasuke. Her face looks awful. "Sasuke?" he says. "Are you okay?"

"My painkillers have worn off," says Sasuke, screwing her face up in agony. "And I left the bottle in the Temple. We have to hurry. Naruto, just get over here and ignore the battle."

"Don't pin all your hopes on that silly jutsu!" scoffs Black Zetsu. "It has never been tested, and I will kill you before you can learn it! You will die if you try to use it on me! Give up, and I promise I will kill you quickly."

 _Naruto_ , says Kurama, all calm and quiet. _I have an idea. It might get us both killed since it involves the shinigami, but you are a master now._

 _What is it?_ Naruto asks, looking back at the battlefield, where his followers are fighting for their lives, and for his. _Tell me._

Kurama tells him, and Naruto's face twists into a grin. "Kurama just had an idea that will help us a lot," Naruto tells Sasuke and Iruka-nii. "I'll be back in a few minutes."

Naruto draws the seal that will summon all four shinigami at once and pulls himself into it, reverse-summoning himself to the realm of the shinigami.

The four shinigami are sitting at a wooden table playing Ludo. Dave is winning.

"Hey guys," says Naruto, grinning.

Dave, Steve, Joe and Jashin all turn to look at him.

"Hi Naruto," says Jashin. "All but one of the five Jashinists you sent with Namiko and Madoka are dead. The odds are not looking good for what's left of that little team."

Naruto glares at Jashin. "So your followers are dying and you're just playing Ludo, dattebayo?" he crosses his arms. "Do you not care, or something?"

"Not really, no," says Jashin. "I'd prefer if they didn't all die, since they're annoying, but it's gonna happen sooner or later."

"He has a point," says Steve. "We all love our followers, but they are annoying."

"What if I taught them all how to summon the four of you permanently," says Naruto, his heart racing as he attempts to blackmail the shinigami into doing what he wants them to. "You know, I found a way to seal you all to the land of the living and the will of the person who casts the jutsu - even long after they die, which they won't because the seal will make the user immortal."

"You're bluffing," says Joe sweating. "He's bluffing, right?"

"He's not bluffing," says Kurama's disembodied voice from inside Naruto.

The four shinigami glance at each other nervously.

"What do you want?" asks Dave, nervously. "What could you possibly want, to threaten all four of us with that?"

Naruto grins and tells them.

After a short argument over Naruto's demands, the shinigami agree, although somewhat reluctantly. Naruto returns to the Temple of Jashin with a pop.

"Naruto, where did you go?" asks Sasuke, staring at Naruto in astonishment.

"To the land of the shinigami," says Naruto, pulling out a very special something. "I got us some reinforcements."

Naruto throws the thing into the air. It flips around slowly, turning over and over as it falls to the ground. Naruto watches it fall. Right before the thing hits the ground there is a flash of red and yellow.

Minato Namikaze grabs his kunai right before it touches the ground. Clinging to his back, Kushina Uzumaki grins.

"We're back," says Naruto's newly resurrected Dad.


	196. Dattebayo, Dattebane

Kushina Uzumaki is not only happy to be back, she is also back with a vengeance. She grins as she looks around herself, hiding the fact she is confused about the barrier. Kushina slides off Minato's back. She needs to locate Naruto and hug him as tightly as she can.

Then Minato screams like a little girl. "KAKASHI WHY DO YOU HAVE GREEN HAIR!?"

Kushina locates Naruto at exactly the same moment as Minato screams. Naruto has green hair too. "Minato," says Kushina, hitting her husbands arm. "Didn't we have a blonde baby?"

"We did," says Minato, pointing at something outside the barrier. "But look at Kakashi! He's not supposed to be all...green."

"LOOK AT NARUTO!" yells Kushina, smacking Minato over the ear. "HE'S GREEN TOO!"

"AAAAHHH!" screams Minato, running to Naruto and crouching down in front of him. "What is this?" he says, helplessly, grabbing Naruto's shoulders and giving him a little shake. "What happened to your hair while I was dead?"

"HAHAHAHAHAHA!" The green haired girl sitting nearby in a wheelchair starts laughing hysterically. "Bwahahahahaha *snort* ahahahahahaha!"

Naruto points and laughs at the girl. "Haha, Sasuke! You snort when you laugh."

"Your parents are morons," says the girl, giggling. "Ow."

Kushina stares at the girl. Naruto called her Sasuke. Sasuke is Mikoto's second child's name. This girl looks like Mikoto. "You had black hair last time I saw you!" says Kushina, pointing at Sasuke. "What happened?"

"It's all Obito's fault," says Kakashi. "He fell out of a tree, and our hair turned green."

"He's not wrong," says Rin, with a shaky laugh.

"Hey!" says Obito. "Don't blame me - it was your training session, Bakakashi!"

Kushina's brain works overtime trying to figure out what is off about that exchange. "What is it?" she mutters, hitting her forehead against the heel of her hand in an effort to concentrate. "What is it? What is it? What's wrong with that picture?"

"Naruto, you get your IQ from your Mum," says Sasuke.

"Obito and Rin died," says Minato. "Obito and Rin, how are you alive?"

"We'll tell you once the battle is over," says Obito. "Little help killing Zetsu, please?"

"HEY!" yells Kushina, angrily as she sees Zetsu. "You're that monster who tried to kill my baby!"

"And he's trying to do it again, Lady Kushina," says the man holding up the barrier. Kushina didn't even notice him.

"Who are you?" she asks.

"I'm Iruka Umino," he says turning his head to grin at her. "Remember me? I put a flower crown on Lord Third when he was sleeping one time."

"Oh!" Kushina remembers. "Yeah, I remember you! You were a funny little kid, dattebane." Kushina claps her hands over her mouth in mortification. "Oh I said it again!"

"You said 'dattebane', dattebayo!" says Naruto, happily.

Kushina's blood turns cold in horror. "Oh no, I passed it on, 'tebane!"

"YAY, I have something in common with my Mum, 'tebayo!" says Naruto, and tackle-hugs Kushina.

"Hey, Big Brother Fourth," says Iruka. "Can you teach Naruto and Sasuke that jutsu they are trying to learn? We were going to get Jiraiya, but for obvious reasons, we are stuck here."

"Why can't _you_ teach them?" demands Kushina, squeezing Naruto tightly and patting his hair. "You're the Umino."

"Because teaching an Uchiha fuuinjutsu is a bit beyond my abilities," admits Iruka, blushing in embarrassment. "Naruto, Kakashi and Jiraiya have been teaching her: I literally don't know how to make her understand."

"Okay," Minato smiles his silly smile. "I'll teach the kids. Kushina, it's your turn to kick the crap out of Zetsu."

Kushina turns her head slowly and grins at Black Zetsu. "Zetsu," she says sweetly. "You're going to die."

"Hey, Lady Kushina," says Iruka. "Before you flatten Zetsu, can you duck into the Temple real quick and get Sasuke's meds from her bag? It's the one with the duck on it."

"Temple?" says Kushina, confused. "We're at a Temple?"

"The Temple of Jashin," says Iruka. "Sasuke's bag is over by the far left wall."

"I'll be right back," says Kushina, releasing Naruto, who staggers back and gasps for breath. Kushina marches up to the barrier and walks right through it as Iruka lowers it for a split second. Quickly, Kushina darts into the temple, grabs a bag with a duck on it and runs back to the barrier. "This the one, 'tebane?"

"That's the one," confirms Iruka. "Pass it through the barrier."

Kushina passes the bag to Naruto as Iruka lowers the barrier again for a second.

"Thanks, Lady Kushina," says Iruka.

"Hey!" says Kushina, as she realizes that an injustice has been done. "Why are you calling Minato 'Big Brother' even though he is a hokage, but you aren't calling me 'Big Sister'?"

"Ah, well," says Iruka, a bit nervously. "I wasn't sure If you would appreciate it."

"What if I don't appreciate it?" demands Minato, trying to act indignant, even though Kushina can tell he likes being called Big Brother.

"You have no choice," says Iruka. "You are my brother."

"But that makes you my Mum's brother-in-law," points out Naruto. "So you should call her Big Sister anyway."

"Good point, Naruto," says Iruka.

"Wait…" says Minato. "How are you my brother?"

"Your parents are alive," says Iruka. "And they raised Naruto and adopted me. Now can we please get back to killing Zetsu and giving Sasuke her pain medication?"

"Yes Iruka-nii!" says Naruto, taking the bag over to Sasuke. He fishes around in the bag for a few seconds before pulling out a copy of Make Out Paradise. "Sasuke I didn't know you read Pervy Sage's books."

Sasuke blushes. "Just give me my meds, Idiot!"

"Oh so that's where my book went," says Kakashi, as Naruto pulls out Sasuke's medicine and hands it to her.

"Actually, that's my Mum's copy," says Sasuke.

"I have your book, Kakashi," says Rin, blushing.

"Oh, you read those books too!" says Kushina, grinning. "I love that series, 'tebane."

"Wait…" says Naruto, his face screwed up in thought. "Kakashi sensei, do you read girls' books? Is Make Out Paradise for GIRLS? No wonder I found it boring."

"HEY!" yells Kushina, and everyone else on the battlefield - including all of the Zetsus. "THOSE BOOKS ARE NOT BORING!"

"Focus!" snaps Iruka, after the outburst. "We need to kill Zetsu, not bond over porn. Big Sister, please go beat up Zetsu. All of him."

Kushina remembers her anger at Zetsu and turns to stomp down the Temple stairs. "I'm gonna kill you, Zetsu, 'tebane."

"Not so fast," says Zetsu, grinning. "We have a different battle ready for you. We got ready while you dallied."

The ground in front of Zetsu begins to shake, and a coffin pushes its way up out of the dirt. The reanimation jutsu! Kushina is glad that she and Minato were both resurrected in full battle gear. She pulls out a kunai and marches past Obito and Rin, past Kakashi and his line of defenders and down to where the coffin is. The white zetsus part to make way.

Kushina stops a few metres away from the coffin and waits for it to open.

Slowly, the coffin lid creaks open, then it falls to the ground with a thud. A woman with red hair fastened into two buns and a diamond on her forehead steps out. Slowly, Mito Uzumaki looks up at Kushina. "Long time no see, little Kushina," she says.

"You look a lot younger than you did when you died," says Kushina. "What's with that, 'tebane?"

"There is no point in reanimating an old woman," says Mito. "Besides, if I am to fight you, I will do it at full power. I would test your strength, my successor. How well do you handle the power I left you?"

"Actually," says Kushina. "I just got back from the dead myself. My son over there, the blonde boy in orange, has the Nine Tails now."

Mito raises her eyebrows elegantly. "Well," she says. "Fancy that." Dozens of chakra chains erupt from her back. "The battle of the former jinchuuriki begins now."

Kushina grins wickedly and unleashes her own chakra chains.


	197. The Hokage Arrives

Minato is confused (a new feeling for him, and one he does not like). What did he miss while he was dead?

Naruto has green hair, an Uchiha is learning fuuinjutsu, Minato's parents are alive, he has a brother, the Temple of Jahsin is under attack for some reason, Obito and Rin are alive, Kakashi seems chill as f*** and Naruto can apparently bring the dead back to life.

Seriously, WHAT did Minato miss?

"Brother!" snaps Iruka. "Stop staring into space like a moron and teach the kids! Damn, that felt weird to say." Iruka shakes his head. "Too much telling someone else to teach the kids and I might have an existential crisis."

Naruto laughs and picks up a scroll. "Here's the jutsu, Dad. Well, my half of it. Sasuke has her half."

Minato looks at the scroll with wide eyes. "This is the Sacred Scroll from the Temple of Joe!" he says, recognising the scroll from the time he went to the Temple of Joe. Kushina made him go in alone for some reason.

Sasuke finishes swallowing her medication and hands Minato a piece of paper. "Here," she says, shyly, and then looks down at her lap.

"We had to copy Sasuke's half onto a piece of paper because you can only read the Sacred Scroll of Dave with base level sharingan, 'tebayo," says Naruto cheerfully. "And since Iruka-nii and Kakashi sensei were gonna teach us the jutsu, they had to be able to read it, since neither of them has base level sharingan. Kakashi sensei has something called a Main Geko."

"It's Mangekyo," corrects Obito.

Minato quickly reads through the jutsu formulae. They don't seem too complicated, but then again, Minato is a master…

No, actually he's not a master. Minato weeps internally as he remembers that he died failing the Masters Test. He can't call himself a master. Expert? Yes, Minato decides. He is an expert!

There is a whirl of ice, fire, lightning and dirt as the four shinigami appear just outside Iruka's barrier. "Naruto," says Jashin calmly. "After some deliberation over whether or not blackmailing us counts, we decided that it does. You used fuuinjutsu to get to us, and fuuinjutsu to get your parents to your location, therefore: it counts."

"What does it count towards, 'tebayo?" asks Naruto, sticking out his bottom lip and cocking his head to one side.

"Congratulations, Naruto Uzumaki," says Steve. "We, the Four Shinigami, grant you the rank Grand Master of Fuuinjutsu, a rank only attained by two other people. You earned this rank-" here Steve stops to sigh "-by blackmailing us into bringing your parents back from the dead."

"Yay!" rejoices Naruto, throwing his fists in the air. "Hear that, Iruka-nii? I'm a GRAND MASTER, dattebayo!"

"And yet you still can't understand the Second Hokage's jutsu," says Iruka, dryly.

Naruto pulls an angry face.

"'Kay, Bye," says Joe, and vanishes with a pop. "I gotta go gloat over one of my followers who just had a baby."

"I'm off to smoke some weed," says Steve.

"Gimmie some," says Dave, and the two of them vanish.

"Just an update for you, Naruto," says Jashin seriously. "Only one of the Five Trainee Priests you sent with Madoka and Namiko survived. But they have nearly made it to the Leaf. Help will be on the way soon." Jashin vanishes in burst of fire.

"No…" whispers Naruto, hanging his head sadly. "My followers, 'tebayo…"

"It's okay, Supreme Leader," says a tearful Jashinist, from down below on the Temple stairs. "Our brothers and sisters go to rest in Jashin's loving embrace…"

"I guess they are hanging out with Hidan now…" says another Jashinist, rubbing his eyes with his sleeve.

"What...did I miss?" asks Minato, internally weeping over the fact his son is a Grandmaster but he, himself, is still only advanced level.

"Naruto is the Leader of the Order of Jashin," says Iruka. "Now please, hurry up and teach the kids that jutsu: we need it to defeat Black Zetsu."

"Oh, okay," says Minato, remembering what he was supposed to be doing. "So, Naruto, Sasuke: what part of the jutsu do you not understand?"

"ALL OF IT!" both Naruto and Sasuke shout, turning in unison to glare at the jutsu formula.

Oh, s***. Minato has a lot of work ahead of him.

* * *

"LORD HOKAGE!" Madoka barges into the Hokage's office without even knocking. Even Burifu knows that's rude, and she lives in the forest. Oh well, it's an emergency.

"Madoka!" Lord Hokage says, looking up from his game of shogi. He is playing against Neji's Dad. "What happened?"

"Black Zetsu attacked the Temple of Jashin with hundreds of clones," explains Madoka.

Namiko, who is still clinging tightly to Burifu, starts crying again. Seems like the liquid courage is wearing off.

"How long ago was this?" demands the Hokage, making a move with one of his shogi pieces.

"I don't know, a few hours?" guesses Madoka. "I lost track of time while we were running for our lives. Everyone else is still at the Temple, and they need help."

"Grandpa Pantsu is taking a bunch of the Order of Steve to the Temple to help," says Burifu, patting Namiko's head comfortingly. "But that won't be enough if the Zetsus really are unlimited like that one said."

Neji's Dad makes a move of his own and says, "Checkmate."

"Dammit!" curses Lord Hokage, then he stands. "We need to get help to the Temple now, not in a few hours. NOW. Nagato showed me a little trick last time he was here that will allow me to transport people long distances. Is Rain at the Temple?"

"Yes, he is," says Madoka.

"Good." Lord Hokage pulls out three metal rods. He hands two to Madoka and says, "Take one of these to Hiashi Hyuuga and the other to Shisui. Tell them to gather as many people as they can find and get them ready for battle. Hiashi has five minutes from when you give him the rod, Shisui has ten. When they have run out of time, everyone they find is to grab hold of the rod and pour some chakra into it. Can you remember that?"

"Yes," says Madoka, nodding.

"Good, now go and see who is in the mission office and send them up here," says Lord Hokage. "Then go and find Hiashi and Shisui."

Madoka runs downstairs.

"Burifu," says Lord Hokage, crouching down to Burifu's level. "Can you take Namiko to her Grandparents? I'm am sure you would love to join the battle, but your friend needs you to stay with her right now."

Burifu nods gravely and says, "I know. And I have to stay here just in case Grandpa Pantsu is killed. I am the next leader of the Order of Steve. I have to stay safe."

"Good girl," Lord Hokage smiles. Then he stands as the reanimations of the First and Second Hokages walk into the office along with three genin, one of whom is Neji.

"We came because we sensed that there is an emergency," says Lord First. "What is going on?"

"Black Zetsu attacked the Temple of Jashin," says Lord Hokage. "I am going to transport some people there with my rinnegan." He turns to the two genin boys Namiko does not recognize. "You two are from Root, aren't you? Shin and Sai are your names, if I remember right."

"Yes we are, Lord Hokage," says one of the boys. "I am Shin, he is Sai. Do you want us to go and defend the Temple?"

"Yes I do," says Lord Hokage. "Hizashi and Neji, you are coming too." He holds out the third metal rod. "Grab on to this and channel some chakra into it." All six Leaf ninjas all do as the Hokage says. A second later, all seven vanish as Lord Hokage activates his rinnegan.

"Come on," says Burifu, patting Namiko again. "Let's go see your Grandma."

* * *

 _Clang! Clang!_ Mito's chakra chains collide with Kushina's in a deadly dance. They seem to be evenly matched, but Kushina plans to tip things in her favour soon.

"Is that all you've got?" Mito mocks Kushina, throwing a kunai with a paper bomb attached at Kushina.

Kushina dodges and throws a volley of kunai at Mito. She needs a plan, and fast. She needs to distract Mito long enough to draw an attack seal. One of Kushina's only weaknesses is her inability to draw seals fast or create them instantly with chakra. She was training to rise above that weakness when she died.

 _Poof!_ Seven people appear in a puff of smoke. Hizashi Hyuuga, with long flowing hair and pristine battle gear. The First and Second Hokages reanimated. Three random kids in ninja getup. And last of all, wearing dark glasses and a mustache is Fugaku Uchiha, dressed in the robes of the Hokage.

"That'll do," says Kushina, and draws an attack seal on her hand while Mito is momentarily distracted. "Fuuin: Wrath of Jashin!" A jet of fire shoots out of Kushina's hand, engulfing Mito.


	198. Just Fight!

Hizashi surveys the Temple of Jashin. At the top of the Temple stairs, Iruka has Naruto, Sasuke and the Fourth Hokage trapped in a barrier seal. Beside the seal lies one of Kurama's Guards - her legs have been crushed. In a crater near the top of the stairs, two of Kurama's other guards are healing Wind and Rain, who have their masks off. Hizashi feels like he's seen their faces before, but he can't quite figure it out. Standing between the injured and the army of white clones is Kakashi, accompanied by a group of people Hizashi assumes are members of the Order of Jashin. Standing at the bottom of the stairs, watching the battle is a creature Hizashi recognizes instantly as Black Zetsu. In the middle of all the chaos, Kushina Uzumaki is fighting a reanimated Mito Uzumaki.

The first thing Hizashi notices is the Minato and Kushina are not reanimations. The second thing he notices is that Naruto looks incredibly pleased with himself. The third thing is that Black Zetsu is holding back a wall of fire to allow his endless army of clones access to the Temple Grounds. The Fourth thing Hizashi notices about the situation is that Iruka is not the one teaching the kids.

"What's the situation, Kakashi?" asks Lord Fugaku, striding over to the top of the stairs to get a closer look at the battle.

"The White Zetsus are unlimited, Black Zetsu has someone behind the scenes controlling that reanimation, Naruto brought his parents back from the dead to help fight, Minato sensei is teaching Sasuke and Naruto the seal, Wind and Rain are Obito and Rin and we have lost a lot of people," reports Kakashi.

"I expected as much; that is not good; good work Naruto; hey Minato; I know about Obito and Rin; and any casualty is one too many," replies Lord Fugaku, without missing a beat.

"Wow, Fugaku," says Kushina saltily, as she ducks under a half-disintegrated Mito's chakra chains. "What idiot died and made you Hokage?"

"HEY!" yells Naruto, indignantly. "It was MY idea to make Mr. Nice Police Chief the Hokage! And now he's Mr. Nice Hokage, 'tebayo."

"EEEEHH?!" Kushina shouts, astonished. "Since when was Fugaku NICE?"

"Don't let Mikoto hear you talk like that," says Fugaku, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, we talk smack about each others' husbands all the time," shrugs Kushina. "But seriously, how?"

"He has a mustache and it lends him power," says Kakashi.

"Why do you have a mustache, Fugaku?" asks Minato. "And how did you know about Rin and Obito?"

"Blame Naruto and his little girlfriend for the mustache," says Fugaku. "Rin and Obito told me who they are after they arrived in the Leaf and Team Seven's hair turned green for some odd reason."

"You're not bothered by the fact they have green hair?" asks Minato, astonished.

"Give it a few days and you'll think it's normal for them too," says Hizashi.

"Minato sensei screamed like a little girl when he saw my hair," says Kakashi smugly. "It was worth it."

"Wait, Naruto has a girlfriend?" says Kushina, pausing in her fight with both hands around Mito's throat.

"Oi!" snaps Iruka. "Stop chatting and fight!"

"Fugaku, we've talked about this!" says Hizashi, grabbing Fugaku by the shirt and giving him a good shake. "We don't want to encourage your daughter and my neices to get boyfriends! Do you want another Itachi?"

"OI!" yells Iruka. "YOU CAN ARGUE LATER! GET YOUR ASSES IN GEAR AND FIGHT!"

"Now, now, don't get your undies in a knot," says Kakashi. "The Zetsus aren't going anywhere."

"Don't make me come out there!" threatens Iruka.

"Ooooh," gloats Naruto. "You're in trouble!"

"Naruto, focus!"

"Yes Iruka-nii."

"What's that?" asks Neji, pointing to something heading towards them from the direction of the Leaf.

Hizashi cannot make it out, but he can see where it has been. A shaking tree, a whirl of disturbed leaves, a cloud of dust: something is coming towards the Temple fast. Hizashi feels the ground begin to shake as whatever it is comes closer. Whatever it is carves a path through the white zetsus, cutting down at least half of them. A moment later, about 25 people, all with long hair and rainbow clothing are standing at the top of the Temple stairs. Hizashi recognizes Pantsu Uzumaki and realizes these people are from the Order of Steve.

"Are we late, eh?" asks Pantsu.

"Right on time, Grandfather," says Neji, grinning.

"Hi Gramps Pants!" Naruto yells, waving cheerfully.

"Well," says Black Zetsu. "This is an interesting development. We will have to call more reinforcements." Another thousand zetsu clones rise from the ground and begin to swarm up the stairs. "Let's see how you handle this."

"Psst!" whispers Rain, who Hizashi guesses is 'Obito'. "I'm going to get more help. I'll be back in a minute."

"How are you going to…" Kakashi begins to say, but then he stops as Obito stands.

Obito raises an arm and wipes it over himself, making his body vanish as he does so. First his head, then his side, then his legs, then his arm all vanish in a spiral. "Kamui," Obito says as he vanishes.

"What just happened?" says Kakashi, staring at the spot where Obito was standing a second ago.

"Obito can teleport himself," says Wind, who Hizashi guesses is Rin. Where has he heard those names before? Oh yes: Obito and Rin were Minato's students. Rin stands, apparently she is finished healing the wound on her arm. "He will bring back as many of our allies as he can round up on short notice. Until then: we have a battle to fight."

"Gee, I never would have guessed," says Iruka sarcastically. "Will you lot stop chatting and fight zetsu already!"

"Oh my gosh," says Rin, glaring at Iruka. "YES MUM!"

"Oi," says Pantsu sternly. "You do as the Umino says, and no sassing, young lady, eh."

Kushina makes her section of the battlefield explode along with 90% of Mito. Mito immediately regenerates her body and sets off some explosions of her own. Many white zetsus perish in the explosions.

"Hizashi, lead the charge," orders Fugaku. "I need to wait here until I get the signal from the next group of reinforcements."

"Yes Lord Hokage," says Hizashi.

Minato laughs. "Look at you Hizashi, taking orders from the kid you and your brother used to beat up in school."

"Are you teaching the kids?" demands Iruka.

"Kids, are you any closer to understanding the jutsu?" asks Minato.

"That bit's like a fish," says Sasuke, pointing at a section of the jutsu formula.

"And that bit's a frog on a sugar high," says Naruto, pointing to a different section.

"Exactly!" grins Minato. "Now let's talk about this part." He points to a different section of the jutsu. "It's kinda like a sandwich…"

"I don't even want to know," mutters Fugaku, rolling his eyes.

The Order of Steve swarms into the thick of the fight, taking down about a hundred white zetsus in one swoop. Another 200 rise from the ground to replace them.

Hizashi, Neji, Shin and Sai charge at the attacking zetsus. Neji and Hizashi knock down zetsu after zetsu with their byakugan. And then the ground begins to shake as another wooden coffin rises out of the dirt. The coffin creaks open and the lid falls to the ground with dull thud. A young man who looks as though he were made of porcelain steps out of the coffin. His skin is flawless and pale, his hair is crimson and his expression is stiff and wooden.

Neji lets out a frightened gasp. "Sasori!" he says. "Oh, no!"

Sasori's head snaps around, and he looks directly at Neji. "I remember you," he says. "You are one of the people who were protecting that historian. How many people did you tell?"

"The whole shinobi world knows now," says Fugaku, crossing his arms. "We spread the word that you destroyed the Hidden Whirlpool."

"Then I will be known as the shinobi who destroyed the Hidden Whirlpool," says Sasori. "But I will kill the ones who discovered my deed."


	199. Flashback No Jutsu: The Whirlpool Falls

Neji's mind races as he tries to think up a strategy that will help him defeat Sasori. If only he could get Sasori to flashback and reveal his weakness. Actually, that's a good idea, all Neji needs is an opening. "Hey Sasori," he calls to the puppet master. "How are you going to fight without your puppets and poison?"

"I will use the white zetsus as puppets," says Sasori gravely.

"That's a good idea," says Neji. "You must've been a teenager when you destroyed the Hidden Whirlpool, right? How did you do it?" _Please take the bait, please take the bait…_

"Ah," says Sasori, looking up at the sky. "It was quite a day…"

"Hang on," says Neji, holding up a hand. "Before you begin, there is a jutsu you must know. Naruto showed it to me, and his little cousin invented it. It is called The Flashback No Jutsu. Here are the hand signs: Monkey, Ram, Llama, Butterfly, Half-Ram. Hold the memory in your mind as you weave the hand signs and then release the jutsu on the Half-Ram seal."

"Llama and Butterfly?" says Sasori, sceptically. "Was this jutsu invented by a five year old?"

"Yes, it was."

"Ah, that makes sense." Sasori casts the jutsu. As he does, the Temple of Jashiin is replaced by a white field. Then the field moves beneath Neji's feet, until he and everyone at the Temple of Jashin are standing on a grassy hill overlooking a village.

It is dark. There is no moon, and thick clouds cover the sky. Neji looks around and sees a teenaged Sasori sneaking through the grass. Like a three-dimensional television screen, Neji's surroundings change as the young Sasori moves towards the village.

"I went to the Hidden Whirlpool to test a new jutsu," explains the reanimated Sasori. "The Dance of One Hundred Puppets. I even invented a new poisoned gas to go with it. Every blade was poisoned and every puppet was rigged to let out the gas at the slightest provocation."

The young Sasori pulls out a wooden mask and fastens it over his face. Then he unrolls a scroll, revealing a storage seal. Young Sasori activates the seal and a hundred ugly puppets shoot out of it in quick succession. Each puppet is disguised as a shinobi from one of the Five Great Nations. Some of them even appear to be corpses of dead shinobi. Hundreds of chakra strings connect the puppets to young Sasori. Young Sasori stands and walks towards the village, his puppets floating along behind him.

"Who goes there?" asks the red haired guard standing by the village gates.

"Sasori of the Red Sand," says young Sasori. A moment later, one of the puppets opens its mouth and lets loose a cloud of thick gas.

"Wha-" the guard begins to speak, but inhales the gas. He coughs and turns a disgusting shade of green. As the guard doubles over, clawing at his throat, young Sasori throws a kunai into his forehead. The guard screams and falls backwards, dead.

"The poison is stronger than I expected," comments young Sasori, walking past the dead guard and into the village. "Now, I wonder: how long does it take for the Hidden Whirlpool to respond to an attack?"

The answer is instantly. One moment, young Sasori is alone. The next moment, the air around him is filled with people, most of them in pyjamas, some kind of robe or underwear. All of them look angry and all of them are armed. They attack young Sasori, who sends in his horde of puppets.

In a matter of minutes, poisoned gas, broken puppets and dead bodies litter the streets. Young Sasori directs his puppets to attack, destroy and kill, spreading the poison everywhere. He stands in the centre of the chaos, waiting for someone to attack him directly.

He is not disappointed. Soon, the Queen herself appears before Sasori. She has her husband and a scared-looking girl with her.

"GET OUT OF MY VILLAGE!" screams the Queen, pulling out a big sword and swinging it at Sasori.

Sasori leaps out of the way and calls down a few puppets to attack the queen. She destroys one, causing poisoned darts to shoot out of the broken wood and impale her. Young Sasori grins. Those darts were useful after all.

The Queen's Husband screams in rage and leaps forwards, attacking Sasori with a short sword in each hand. Sasori dodges out of the way, once again calling on his puppets. The Queen's Husband dodges the puppets and brings his swords down on one of Sasori's arms. Gritting his teeth against the pain, Sasori drives a kunai into the man's back, killing him. Sasori's arm falls to the ground along with his second kill.

Young Sasori turns to the girl. She stares up at him with teary, frightened eyes.

"Please don't tell me you murdered that girl," says Neji, his eyes widening in premature horror.

"No, I did not," says reanimated Sasori. He raises a hand and points to a comotian happening nearby. "I sensed someone cutting through my puppets and quickly hid. As you can see, I was in no condition to fight a fresh opponent."

A woman and a man carrying a toddler run around a street corner nearby. The toddler is bleeding from a poisoned gash across his face. The man and woman run towards the Queen's daughter.

Young Sasori directs a puppet down to kill the crying princess before the two Whirlpool ninjas can reach her. The Whirlpool man, still holding his toddler, flying-kicks the puppet to the ground, grabs the Princess by the hand and runs on without breaking his stride.

"Talk about a badass," says Neji, astonished and impressed.

"I wish I could have fought him," says reanimated Sasori. "But it was not to be."

Neji and everyone else at the Temple of Jashin watches as Young Sasori follows the fleeing man, woman, toddler and princess. The woman smashes apart puppet after puppet, stopping the spread of poison with well-placed seals as she does so. As they run, the man and woman yell at the Whirlpool people they pass to flee and escape the cloud of deadly poisoned gas spreading through the burning village.

Young Sasori follows the only people smart enough to flee the jutsu until they reach the edge of the village. The gas has spread to the mountains so the woman pushes the rest of the group down the hill and tumbles after them.

"By this time," says reanimated Sasori. "I was starting to feel lightheaded from the blood loss and pain. I figured I'd killed everyone else, unless someone other than those four were smart enough to escape."

"You're only just now feeling the effects of losing an arm?" says the reanimated lady. "What are you made of, wood?"

"I was when I died," says reanimated Sasori, crossing his arms thoughtfully. "But not at this point in time. I replaced that missing arm with a puppet arm later. But back to the flashback."

The Whirlpool princess stops herself from tumbling down the hill and gets up. Then she runs towards the village screaming, "I'LL KILL YOU, SAND NINJA!" Young Sasori watches her run up the hill a short way. About halfway up the hill, the girl collapses. Her skin is blotchy from the poison she inhaled while she was still inside the purple cloud. Shaking, the princess raises her arm to her mouth and bites down hard. Instantly, an aura of bright chakra envelops her as she heals herself.

"The royal Uzumaki kekkei genkai…" says Young Sasori, his eyes widening in amazement. Then he runs down the hill and grabs the Princess.

"HEY!" she yelps, as Young Sasori pulls her arm out of her mouth. "You! I'm going to kill you!"

Young Sasori bites the princess's arm. Almost instantly, the bleeding from the stump of his arm stops.

The princess pulls out a kunai and tries to stab Sasori. Sasori grabs her with his chakra strings and stops her. Then he takes his mouth away from her arm and heads down the hill towards the other Whirlpool survivors. The princess floats along behind him on chakra strings.

Then the princess gasps in surprise and smiles hopefully. "You are going to die," she says, grinning. "The Sanin are coming."

Young Sasori turns and flees into the forest. The world moves beneath Neji's feet as the jutsu drags him and everyone else along behind Young Sasori as he runs. Young Sasori stops a safe distance away and looks back. Neji turns to look too and sees the three Legendary Sanin, battle worn and looking as though they are on their way home from a mission. The trio stops when they find the other three who escaped the Hidden Whirlpool. Young Sasori turns and runs on.

Reanimated Sasori ends the jutsu. "After that," he says. "I sold the Whirlpool Princess to the Hidden Grass. I hoped that she would kill all of them, but she did not. Somehow, they managed to keep her there. As far as I know, she only left recently and went to the Hidden Leaf. I don't know what happened. I did knock her out after a while, so perhaps she blocked out the memory in order to cope."

"I'll ask her next time I see her," says Iruka sensei.

"Who are you?" asks Sasori, turning to Iruka sensei. "You were also with that historian, weren't you?"

"I'm that little toddler that survived the Whirlpool," says Iruka sensei. "I suppose you did not expect your justu to be that effective?"

"Ha, no," scoffs Sasori. "In fact, it was too effective. I dialed it back after that. The poison only releases on my command now, and I use a strain of poison that takes longer to take effect. It is not very much fun to fight an enemy that is no match for you. I prefer to keep the playing field even unless I am in a hurry. I do hate to keep people waiting."


	200. Reanimations

Gaara yawns. His father is lecturing him about something. Gaara switched off about half an hour ago, and he can't remember what his father was talking about.

"...And that is why you need to listen to the council!" Gaara's father finishes.

"Gaara's not listening," says Baki, from his spot by the windowsill.

"He hasn't been listening since you started talking," adds Temari, grinning. She is sitting on the windowsill filing her nails.

Kankuro runs into the Kazekage office with an armful of puppets. "Gaara, Temari, Baki sensei: I have a new puppet! Do you want to see it?"

"Yes," says Gaara, instantly. Puppets are still more interesting than a lecture.

"GAARA!" scolds their father. "Did you hear ONE word of what I just said?"

"I heard the first sentence and the second half of the last sentence," says Gaara, blinking slowly. "So yes."

Then Gaara sees an unusual thing. A black spiral appears in the centre of the room. It spins around and changes colour as a person appears. Gaara recognizes the person as the funny masked man who did the frilled necked lizard jutsu. He is carefully holding an old, scratched mask onto his face.

"You!" says Gaara's father, also recognizing the man. "How did you get here?"

"I can travel long distances in seconds," says the man calmly. "I am Rain of Akatsuki. We need help. Please, come with me to the Temple of Jashin."

"Of course we will help you," says Gaara, remembering that Naruto is at the Temple of Jashin. "Give me a minute: I will call Shukaku's Guards."

"Please hurry," says Rain, pulling a strap over the back of his head to hold the mask in place.

* * *

Kakashi sees Iruka shudder slightly. He shunshins over to the barrier and asks the teacher, "Are you alright?"

"I'm almost out of chakra," whispers Iruka. He is very pale.

"Sensei," says Kakashi, looking past Iruka, to where Minato sensei is sitting on the ground helping Naruto and Sasuke learn the sealing jutsu.

"Yes Kakashi?" says Minato sensei, turning to look at Kakashi over his shoulder.

"If Iruka's barrier fails before you finish teaching Naruto and Sasuke that jutsu we are all dead. So help Iruka maintain that barrier."

"I'll help, 'tebayo!" Says Naruto. He jumps up off the ground and runs over to Iruka. Then he shuts his eyes, slaps his hands together and begins molding chakra. Red chakra bubbles out of him.

"Naruto! What are you doing?!" Minato sensei says, a panicked expression on his face.

"Kurama said it was okay," says Naruto. "He's the best guardian angel ever, 'tebayo." Naruto places his hands on Iruka's back and transfers the ninetails chakra to him.

"Naruto, that energy is dangerous!" Minato scolds Naruto.

Naruto turns and looks at Minato. "No, it's not. Kurama's energy is life energy. It's only destructive when he is angry. Except right now he's angry his guards are hurt and dying. It was his idea to bring you back, 'tebayo."

"Life energy?" says Minato sensei, astonished. "But when I fought him in the belly of the shinigami, it was all darkness and anger…"

"Wouldn't you be depressed and angry if you got attacked and taken from your home, then forced to destroy people and then locked in a cage?" asks Iruka. "It's enough to make the nicest person turn into a monster. Put yourself in his shoes for a second and ask yourself: would you have handled it any better?"

Kakashi is surprised by Iruka's thoughtfulness. He thought Iruka hated the fox. What changed?

Naruto has streams of tears running down his face. "Iruka niisan!" he wails. "You're so amazing, sticking up for Kurama, even though he killed your parents!"

"He did too, didn't he?" says a new voice. A woman's voice.

Kakashi turns slowly. Standing a short way off are a few new reanimations. They must've appeared while Sasori was flashbacking. There are seven of them: three that Kakashi does not recognize along with Might Dai, Koharu and Ikkaku Umino, and Kakashi's father: Sakumo Hatake. "D-Dad?" stammers Kakashi.

His Dad's eyes widen. "Kakashi? Are...are you going through a wierd fluorescent-hair phase? Is...is that even a thing?"

"I think it's because of an accident while he was training with his genin team," says Lord Fugaku.

"Obito fell out of a tree," says Kakashi. He might as well keep blaming Obito. Serves Obito right for not at least paying quick visit to tell Kakashi he and Rin were alive the whole time. He could've done it a long time ago instead of letting Kakashi think he killed his teammates.

"Wha…" Kakashi's Dad says, looking confused.

"Don't question it," says Lord Fugaku. "When it concerns Team Kakashi, just roll with it."

"You're no fun anymore, Mr. Nice Hokage, 'tebayo," sulks Naruto.

"Naruto, the jutsu," says Minato sensei sternly. "We are nearly finished: focus."

"Yes, Dad," says Naruto dejectedly, and turns back to the Sacred Scrolls.

"Mother...Father…" Iruka says, staring at his parents. "We're all gonna die."

Iruka's parents turn to look at him. They both smile at him warmly. "Look at you, all grown up. What seal is that?"

"It's Iruka-nii's special super-strong Crimson Lion seal," says Naruto, turning from the Sacred Scrolls for a second. "It's awesome. He's awesome, 'tebayo."

"It would be awesome if you finished learning that seal," says Iruka without hesitating for a second.

"Yes Iruka-niisan, dattebayo."

"Okay," says Lord Fugaku. "Who do we have here? Ikkaku and Kohari Umino, Sakumo Hatake and Might Dai. An odd selection. Who are the other three of you?"

"I am Gengetsu Hozuki," says one of the three unfamiliar reanimations. He is dressed in blue and black. He has no eyebrows, but he does have a wispy mustache and a tiny goatee. "I was the Second Mizukage," he adds proudly.

"I am Hanabi Otsutsuki," says the unfamiliar reanimated woman. She has blueish-white hair and sad white eyes. "I am a princess of the Moon."

"Mama!" says Hizashi, grinning widely. "It's me, Hizashi! And this is my son Neji!"

Hanabi Otsutsuki smiles. "Oh, you're all grown up! I'm so happy I got to see you again, Hizashi."

"And who are you?" Lord Fugaku asks the last of the three unfamiliar reanimations.

"My name is Yashamaru," says the Sand ninja calmly. "It is a pleasure to meet you."

"Yashamaru?" says Kakashi. "Where have I heard that name before?"

"Gaara's uncle," says Lord Fugaku. "The one that Scumbag-Rasa ordered to kill the poor kid."

Kakashi recalls the chunin exam finals, when Naruto wrangled Gaara's backstory out of him in front of everyone. "Oh yes, I remember. Tell me: did you mean what you said to Gaara back then, or were you told to say it?"

"I was ordered, of course," says Yashamaru. "I would never have hurt Gaara of my own free will."

"Y-Yashamaru…" says an astonished young voice from behind Kakashi.

Kakashi turns to see Gaara, Temari, Kankuro, Baki, Rasa and a group of ten that can only be Shukaku's guards. Obito is standing behind them, an unbroken mask on his face. "Oh, good. Reinforcements," says Kakashi.

"I'll be back with more reinforcements soon," says Obito. He tosses a black chakra rod to Lord Fugaku. "Hold on to this. I've sent the summons to Akatsuki. Pulse your chakra into the rod to let them know you have it now. They'll come soon. Bye!" Obito vanishes in a spiral.

"Yashamaru…" says Gaara,staring at his uncle. "Is that true?" He has a heartbreakingly hopeful expression on his face.

The entire battlefield is watching now.

"It's true," says Rasa, surprising everyone. "I am honestly surprised that Yashamaru did not go rogue after I gave him those orders."

"Rasa, you are an absolute asshole to your kids," says Lord Fugaku. "Come here so I can break your face again."

"What happened here?" asks Minato sensei. "Fugaku, why do you want to break the Kazekage's face?"

"He's not the Kazekage anymore," says Gaara, crossing his arms. "I am."

"WHAAAAAAAAT!?" Minato and Yashamaru both scream in shock.

"Ooh, is this charismatic young man the Kazekage?" says the Second Mizukage. "How cool."


	201. Akatsuki Joins the Battle

"Well that's the last of the Bijuu Guards sent off to find their bijuu," says Deidara as she and Kakuzu sit in a tree watching Kokuo's Guards run through the forest to find Han of the Steam Style. "Now if only we had something else to blow up, un."

"Technically, we still have one set of bijuu guards left," says Kakuzu. "We do not know where Isobu or his Guards are."

"Oh well," shrugs Deidara. "Maybe word will get around and they'll crawl out of the woodwork, un."

"Did you feel that?" asks Kakuzu, just as Deidara feels the rinnegan summon from Rain.

"Yes, un," says Deidara. "We'd best get ready to transport ourselves." She touches the chakra rod stuck in her ear-lobe like an earring. "I wonder what I will get to blow up!"

Kazuzu touches his own chakra rod. "We are ready," he says. Deidara knows that the message is relayed to Rain, but it looks like Kakuzu is talking to himself.

Deidara and Kakuzu wait for a few minutes. Then Deidara hears the voices of other members of Akatsuki saying that they too are ready. A different chakra pulses through the chakra rod - one that does not belong to Rain. However, the chakra pulls Deidara and Kakuzu through space. Deidara and Kakuzu materialize in a burst of smoke. When the smoke clears, Deidara sees a battlefield. They are at a temple surrounded by a wall of fire. Covering the ground between the temple and the barrier is an army of white monsters with green hair. Standing at the foot of a ruined staircase is a group of creepy zombies. At the top of the stairs is a barrier with four people inside. From the top of the ruined temple stairs to the bottom, Leaf Shinobi, Sand Shinobi, Bijuu guards and a bunch of weird hippies and crazy people are standing off against the white army. Close to the barrier, two red haired women, one of whom is a zombie, are attacking each other fiercely. Two other zombies (who look like the first two Hokages) are chasing around a weird plant monster.

All of Akatsuki is assembled, with the exception of Rain. Wind gets up and goes to stand with the rest of Akatsuki. Her mask is off and Deidara can't help staring at her face. She did not expect Wind to have purple tattoos.

Nagato Uzumaki, Yahiko, Konan, Kisame Hoshigaki, Deidara, Kakuzu, Wind, Zabuza Momoshi, Haku, Suigetsu Hozuki, Kabuto Yakushi and Nono Yakushi. All but one of Akatsuki stands at the top of the temple stairs, ready to join the battle.

"Akatsuki is here," says Yahiko. "Where is Black Zetsu?"

"We are here," says the plant monster, Black Zetsu. He stops running away from the first two Hokages so he can chat. The Hokage's obligingly stop chasing him. "It is still not too late to join us, Nagato."

"Why me specifically?" demands Nagato calmly. "Every time we meet, you single me out. Why?"

"Because those rinnegan are not your own eyes," says Black Zetsu. "They were a gift from a man who hoped to train you to be his follower. Unfortunately, Obito and Rin ruined our plan to recruit you."

"But...But...If they are not my eyes, then whose eyes are they?" asks Nagato, taking a half step back in surprise.

"They are Madara Uchiha's eyes," says Black Zetsu. "He gave them to you after a childhood disease left you blind. All your parents know about it is that a kind old man donated his eyes to their little boy. You were the first compatible child we found, and after decades of searching. However, the rinnegan lay dormant until your parents were killed in front of you. And so we left you, watching from a distance, to suffer and see the world for what it really is. But rather than turn on the world and walk the path we planned for you, Nagato, you went the opposite way. Now we are left with only one option. Join us Nagato, or we will be forced to kill you and take back Madara's eyes."

Deidara rolls her eye. She can't roll her mechanical eye, otherwise she would roll both eyes. "Agh, enough talk! I'm going to fight, un."

"Then blow up as many white clones as you can," says the Hokage. "Be as explosive as you like."

"Sweet," Deidara say, sticking her hands in her clay pouches. Her hand-mouths start chewing up clay for some magnificent art.

"Nagato," says the Hokage sternly. "You had better not join Black Zetsu."

"Fugaku," says Nagato, equally sternly. "I thought you had more faith in me."

"Fly, my pretties!" says Deidara, launching her tiny clay birds into the air. "Go and become art!"

"Art?" says one of the reanimations, a flawless red headed man. "You like art?"

"YES!" screams Deidara, gleefully. A fellow artist! Hooray! "ART IS AN EXPLOSION! BOOM!" As she says 'boom', all of Deidara's clay birds explode, taking out several dozen white clones.

"Ignorant brat!" snaps the reanimation. "Art is eternal beauty! Art is a perfectly crafted puppet! Art is something that will endure forever!"

"Who do you think you are?!" demands Deidara. "You're dead, what could you possibly know about art! And don't call me brat, you look like you can't be much older than I am!"

"I am Sasori of the Red Sand," says the reanimation. "I was destroying villages before you were potty-trained, girl. I know more about art than you could possibly dream of knowing. Art is eternal beauty!"

"I am Deidara of the Explosion Style!" boasts Deidara, shaking her fist at Sasori. "How dare you claim to know more about art than I do! ART IS A FLEETING MOMENT OF BEAUTY! ART IS AN EXPLOSION!" Deidara grabs some more exploding clay and starts molding it onto bombs. "FIGHT ME!"

"With pleasure," says Sasori, spreading his arms out. A hundred white zetsu clones rise off the ground, protesting in indignation. "I do not have puppets, but these white things will be more than sufficient to destroy you." The clones fly towards Deidara, every single one poised to attack.

Deidara throws her bombs at them. The bombs meet the clones in mid air, exploding on impact. Just over half of the clones are blown away by the blast. Sasori raises more clones to replace the ones Deidara destroyed. Deidara readies more explosives. This reanimation is going down.

* * *

Fugaku waits patiently for the next group of reinforcements from the Hidden Leaf to signal him. The new additions to the attacking army are powerful. They need reinforcements, and they need them now.

While he waits, Fugaku watches the battle unfold. The reanimations are not in too big of a hurry to fight with anyone. It is possible that the person controlling the jutsu is only able to control the reanimations to a certain extent. If that is the case, then the jutsu caster will most likely wait and see if the reanimations will pick their own fights like Sasori did before forcing them to fight.

The newly arrived Sand ninjas are all staring at the reanimated Sand ninja. Yashamaru glares up at Rasa.

"Feel free to kick his ass," says Fugaku, jerking his thumb at Rasa. "Unfortunately, I am supposed to be his ally, so I can't right now."

"Rasa," says Yashamaru, pulling out a kunai. Apparently, some reanimations were supplied with weapons while some were not. "You're gonna die."

"As if you could kill me," says Rasa, crossing his arms. "I know your limits well because you were my right hand man in life."

"Right hand man?" says Fugaku, thinking. "I don't have one of those anymore. I left her behind when I became Hokage." Fugaku thinks for a moment then he calls out, "Hey, Kakashi!"

"Yes, Lord Hokage?" says Kakashi, cutting down a white zetsu with a kunai.

"From now on, you are my right hand man."

"Yes Lord Hokage," says Kakashi, with a little sigh, and goes back to cutting down zetsu clones.

Rasa and Yashamaru charge each other. Their kunai meet in mid air, sending sparks flying in all directions.

That makes three reanimations engaged in battle. Fugaku is sure the rest will pick fights soon. Akatsuki appears to be assessing the situation and sizing up the reanimations.

Fugaku feels a pulse of chakra through his chakra receptor rod. The next wave of reinforcements is ready. Fugaku pours his chakra into the jutsu as he slaps his hand on the ground and yells, "Rinnegan Summoning jutsu!"

Smoke explodes from the ground in a huge, white cloud. When it clears, the smoke reveals a mere six people. Those people are Hiashi Hyuuga in all his tenseigan-bearing glory, Hana Inuzuka and her ninja hound, Kurenai Yuhi, Asuma Sarutobi, Deputy Kinoko Uchiha and Kinoko's adopted son Kimimaro.

"Hello Kimimaro," says Kabuto Yakushi, smiling at the weird boy. "You look much better than last time I saw you. How have you been?"

Kimimaro smiles. "The Uzumaki Queen cured me," he says. Then he gestures to Kinoko. "This is my adoptive mother, Kinoko Uchiha. She adopted both myself and Juugo." Then he frowns. "That cloak...you work for Akatsuki?"

"I do indeed," says Kabuto. Then he gestures to Nono Yakushi, someone Fugaku has not seen since the Third Great ninja war. "This is my adoptive mother, Nono Yakushi. I began working for Akatsuki after they saved my mother and I from Danzo."

"Ah, everybody's least favourite asshole," says Fugaku, nodding. "Now, Hiashi, until Shisui brings in his group of reinforcements, I will not be joining the battle. Gaara is the only other Kage here. Listen to Gaara."

"Right," nods Hiashi, cracking his knuckles. "Gaara, let's do this."


	202. Less Talky, More Fighty

Gaara crosses his arms and gazes at the battlefield thoughtfully. "I will fight the Second Mizukage," he says after a moment. "Hiashi, take your team and fight the moon princess. Baki sensei cover my father. Temari, Kankuro and Shukaku's Guards: you're with me."

Iruka reflects to himself that Gaara is a natural leader. Despite Gaara's youth, the Sand is in good hands.

"What should we do?" asks Nagato, speaking for Akatsuki.

"Fight the zetsus and the reanimations where ever your help is needed," says Gaara. "Rain will be back soon with more reinforcements."

Akatsuki charges the attacking zetsus, easily knocking them down with their various jutsu. Yahiko uses water jutsu, Konan uses her origami, Kabuto and Nono both use chakra scalpels, Kisame swings Samehada left and right with reckless abandon, Zabuza slices up all the white zetsus in his path, Suigetsu follows Zabuza's example, Haku throws needles and ice around, Deidara continues trying to blow up Sasori and Kakuzu simply hits the zetsus with his briefcase.

Gaara, his Guards and his siblings head over to where the Second Mizukage is standing with Might Dai, Sakumo Hatake and Iruka parents. "We are your opponents," says Gaara. His sand swirls up around him and forms into spikes.

The Second Mizukage grins. "Oooh, this is going to be fun," he says, and promptly vanishes.

Iruka turns his attention back to the four reanimations who have yet to enter the battle. Might Dai takes the stance Gai takes before opening the Eight Inner Gates and says, "Eight Inner Gates: Eighth Gate, Gate of Death, Open!"

"So that's why they reanimated you," says Kakashi, sadly. "Since you are dead, the Eight Inner Gates won't hurt you and are, therefore, limitless."

"Kisame!" says Kakuzu, absorbing his briefcase into his body. "We will take this one. I have heard of the Eight Inner Gates. With our virtually limitless stamina, we are the best ones to fight this reanimation."

Kisame ditches the group of zetsus trying to kill him and charges Dai. Dai kicks Samehada to stop Kisame's attack. Kakuzu attacks Dai with what looks like long, black ropes. Dai dodges out of the way, using Samehada as a springboard to launch himself out of the way. Dai moves so fast that Samehada collides with Kakuzu's black ropes, which seem to be coming out of his arms. Almost immediately, Dai kicks Kakuzu in the back, sending him flying into Kisame. Both Akatsuki are launched into the air. They fly several feet before Dai appears above them and kicks them into the ground. Kisame bursts, turning into water. Kakuzu crumbles into dirt. At some point, both must've substituted with clones. They can handle their fight.

Iruka looks over to the other three reanimations, the ones yet to pick a fight. Sakumo and Kakashi are staring at each other. Iruka's parents look as if they are desperately trying to break the jutsu caster's hold on them.

Kakashi straightens his shoulders and says, "Dad, I missed you."

Sakumo tears up a little and says, "How have you been? I mean, aside from your hair turning green."

"Well…" Kakashi scratches the back of his head.

"No, Kakashi you don't have time to tell him your whole life's story," says Minato, glancing up from the Sacred Scrolls. "Just tell him the most important points."

"Sorry," says Sakumo, drawing the sword his reanimator supplied him with. (Iruka wonders why everyone except Sasori got weapons to fight with.) "I am being forced to attack you."

"We can talk while we fight," says Kakashi, pulling out a kunai. "Let's see...Important points…"

Sakumo and Kakashi charge each other. Their blades meet the instant they are within range of each other. "Did you graduate the academy alright?" Sakumo asks. "How long was it before you made chunin and jounin?"

"Graduated age five, chunin at six -" Kakashi starts to say, but is interrupted.

"Five? There's no way you were five when we graduated," Rin interrupts. "That would make you four years younger than Obito and me. And it means you made jounin at nine!"

"Actually he was 11," says Minato, putting in his two cents worth. "He graduated just before he turned six, made chunin just before he turned seven and jounin just before he turned 12. I'm surprised you never realized he was so much younger than you."

"But...Kakashi was taller than Obito…" Rin looks absolutely gobsmacked.

"Obito was short and I was tall," says Kakashi. "Now we're both tall, and you're still short."

"Um…" Sakumo leaps back, a confused expression on his face.

"Oh, sorry," says Kakashi, throwing a paper bomb at Sakumo, who dodges. "Rin and Obito were my teammates and Minato over there was our jounin sensei. I have my own genin team now. There's the nerd Madoka, Sasuke (the girl in the wheelchair over there) and Naruto. He's Minato's kid."

"Oh, I see," says Sakumo, charging his sword up with lightning chakra and attacking Kakashi again. "Do you have a girlfriend?"

"I'm married with two kids," says Kakashi, pulling out the most recent photo of his family. "See?" He shows it Sakumo, whose eyes go wide. "That's my wife Tenzo, my daughter Aki and my son Minoru."

"More fighting, less gloating," says Iruka, realizing that Kakashi is putting himself in serious danger by pulling out that photo. If the enemy realizes Kakashi drops everything to talk about his family, they will take advantage of that and kill him while he is cooing over his babies.

Kakashi sighs and puts the photo away. "Well, I guess that concludes all the important things," he says. "Back to fighting, I guess."

Iruka feels something hit his barrier. He turns to see what it is. He sees his mother punch the barrier a second time, a blank expression on her face. "That jutsu better be ready," says Iruka, feeling his hold on the barrier slip a little.

"Nearly," says Naruto. "I think I get it."

"I almost have it," says Sasuke, sounding a little unsure.

"So to recap everything you've learned," says Minato gravely. "Sasuke comes in from one side and Naruto comes in from the other."

"We've got to be all over the place like a frog on a sugar high," says Sasuke, sounding a little more confident. "And fast and slippery like a fish, so that he doesn't catch us."

Iruka's father stabs at the barrier with a kunai. He is on the opposite side to Iruka's mother, thus splitting Iruka's attention. Iruka struggles to keep both areas solid at the same time. He is tired. So tired. But the jutsu is not ready, so he must maintain the barrier.

"And when he's so confused that he doesn't know where to attack," says Naruto cheerfully. "We hit him from either side like a sandwich!" Naruto slaps his palms together triumphantly. "And we seal him away, 'tebayo!"

"Exactly!" says Minato. "And are you clear on how to operate your seperate parts of the jutsu?"

"I do the loud bit and Sasuke does the delicate bit, 'tebayo," says Naruto.

"Yeah," agrees Sasuke. "My part is hard and his is flashy."

 _Was it really that simple?_ Iruka wonders. Once the battle is over, he needs to learn Minato's teaching secrets. Another dual attack on the barrier by his parents knocks Iruka's chakra down to dangerously low levels.

"Almighty Pull," says Nagato, dragging Iruka's father away from the barrier. Iruka's father breaks away from that jutsu with a well-timed wind release seal. The two face off against each other cautiously. Iruka ignores them and turns his attention back to keeping the barrier up.

"Good," Minato is saying. "Show me the hand signs."

As Sasuke and Naruto demonstrate the hand signs for the seal.

Konan sends a volley of paper darts at Iruka's mother, who dodges. She leaps high in the air and lands, with a thud, on the flat top of the barrier. Konan flies up on paper wings to chase Iruka's mother off the barrier. The weight of his mother on top of the barrier sucks up what little chakra he has left.

The barrier does not just break, it shatters.

Iruka's mother falls to the ground with a thud. Naruto grabs Sasuke out of her wheelchair and flies up into the sky where both kids will be safe. Minato leaps to attack Iruka's mother, but he is stopped by Might Dai, who appears in an instant and punches Minato high into the air. The Second Mizukage appears behind Konan and attack her. She splits into a thousand paper butterflies.

Iruka staggers to his feet and pulls out a kunai. He turns to face his mother. His body shakes all over. He has no chakra left to fight with. If he had any less, he would die.

"I'm sorry," says Iruka's mother blankly. She charges forward and kicks him in the chest, sending him flying backwards.

Iruka hits some rubble from the stairs and comes to an abrupt stop. He is sure that he is bleeding somewhere life-threatening. Dimly, he can hear Naruto yelling his name. Iruka's vision starts to go fuzzy at the edges. He sees his mother activate the Wrath of Jashin seal in the air before her.

There are tears in his mother's eyes as she activates the seal.

The last thing Iruka sees before darkness takes him is fire.


	203. Jiraiya DID Warn Obito

Too late.

They are all just a moment too late.

Fugaku, the only one who could have helped, feels the tug of the rinne-summon at the worst possible time. The final wave of reinforcements is calling for him to be on standby, meaning Fugaku cannot move until they arrive. Minato is too far away - a problem that only exists because he apparently did not think to mark Iruka for the Flying Thunder God Jutsu. Akatsuki are all busy, as are the other defenders. Naruto and Sasuke are high in the air, safe. Konan is desperately trying to get past the Second Mizukage, who is blocking her from assisting Iruka again.

And Iruka is about to die.

The moment he moves or activates his chakra, Fugaku will effectively call the third wave of reinforcements. They will hinder rather than help the situation, simply by delaying any action Fugaku could take. Is there anything, anything at all that he can do? Fugaku nearly panics as he watches Kohari Umino kick her son into a pile of rubble and activate the Wrath of Jashin seal. Fire bursts out of the seal.

"Water Style, Water Prison Jutsu!" Fugaku hears a familiar voice say. A Water Prison forms, not around Kohari, but around Iruka. The torrent of fire engulfs the ball of water.

Two Mist ninjas, one young and one middle aged, attack Kohari from either side. The young ninja attacks with the ninja blade Hiramekarei while the older ninja simply attempts to punch Kohari. Both miss their mark when Kohari leaps high into the air. Fugaku has heard rumors of Kohari's ability so it does not surprise him in the least that she maintains the Wrath of Jashin Seal as she leaps away, lands behind the younger Mist ninja and raises her hand in a half ram seal, ready to cast another jutsu.

"Lava Style: Lava Dragon!" Fugaku sees Mei Terumi, the one who cast the Water Prison jutsu, standing nearby. Iruka is lying, soaking wet, at Mei's feet. Fugaku cannot tell if Iruka is dead or alive. Mei spits the lava dragon out of her mouth. The Dragon roars and flies towards Kohari, engulfing her in a second.

The Wrath of Jashin Seal deactivates and vanishes.

Obito appears beside Fugaku. "Lord Hokage, where is the third group of reinforcements from the Leaf? As soon as they arrive, I am going to get Jiraiya."

Fugaku blinks in surprise. "You could've gone and gotten Jiraiya this whole time? What stopped you?"

"Before you arrived with reinforcements, the defence at the Temple was too weak," explains Obito. "And sensei seemed to be doing a good job of teaching Naruto and Sasuke, so I didn't think it was urgent I get Jiraiya."

Something occurs to Fugaku. "And how exactly are you actually going to find Jiraiya?" he asks. The third wave still has him on standby. What is stopping them from coming? They are past overdue!

"I can place a mark on any person or place I want to be able to get to quickly," says Obito. "Then I can travel to them with my kamui whenever I want. I placed a mark on all the village leaders Akatsuki is allied with, every member of Akatsuki, Jiraiya and my kid. I also have markers in several places in each Hidden Village I've been to, as well as on most landmarks and important monuments outside village borders."

"Does Jiraiya know you have a marker on him?" asks Fugaku sceptically.

"Yes he does," says Obito. "I asked him to let me mark him as a precaution."

"Hang on one second," says Fugaku. He is sick of waiting. Channeling his voice through the chakra rod in his hand, Fugaku says, "Hurry your asses up, will you?"

Shisui's reply causes Fugaku to facepalm and groan.

"Just tell Tenzou to send a clone to give the kids to Kazama!" Fugaku snaps. "We need you all here five minutes ago!" Fugaku waits a few seconds for Shisui to relay the message and get everyone to grab the chakra rod. The moment he receives the signal the Third Wave is ready, Fugaku summons them to the Temple of Jashin.

With a _poof,_ Shisui's Third Wave appears. Shisui managed to bring the Third Hokage, along with Inoichi, Chouza, Shikaku, Might Gai, Lady Tsunade and Tenzou.

"The Third Wave is here, get going Obito," says Fugaku, forgetting that the most recent arrivals at the Temple don't know who Rain is.

"Wait, don't…" Obito starts to say.

Kakashi interrupts him, saying, "You might as well ditch the mask, Obito. The secret's out." Then Kakashi sees Tenzou. He grins widely and adds, "Oh hey, Tenzou! Come over here and meet my Dad."

Obito, who is taking off his mask, glances over to see the White Fang, in all his reanimated glory. Obito's face lights up. "OOOOOOOO!" All he can manage to vocalize is an excited noise.

"GO!" snaps Fugaku, sensing another delay in getting reinforcements. "We need Jiraiya here!"

Obito's face falls. He points at Sakumo. "But my hero!" he wines. "My role model…"

Fugaku wacks Obito over the ear. "Get going!"

"Yes, Lord Hokage." Obito vanishes in a swirl, a pout on his scarred face.

"Lady Tsunade," says Fugaku, turning to the new arrivals. "I am glad you are here. Go take a look at Iruka."

Tsunade heads over to Iruka and crouches down beside him.

"Is he alive?" asks Mei, before Tsunade can even check.

Tsunade checks and confirms that Iruka is, indeed alive.

"Oh, thank goodness," says Kohari, her relief momentarily breaking through the jutsu caster's control. "I don't know who you are, Lady, but thank you for stopping me from killing Iruka."

"Didn't I kill you?" asks Mei, mildly surprised.

"Oh, I'm a reanimation," says Kohari cheerfully. "I'm already dead. Please don't take it to heart when I try to kill you: I am being controlled." And with that, Kohari unleashes a volley of shuriken, sets the shuriken on fire and vanishes in a puff of smoke. Mei dodges the shuriken, only for Kohari to appear above her and kick her in the face. Mei blocks the kick with her arm.

Glad that Mei is able to hold her own against Kohari, Fugaku takes a quick look around the battlefield to make sure the other reanimations are being kept busy. They are: all of the reanimations are busy fighting either members of Akatsuki or other reinforcements. Zetsu is still fighting the first two Hokages.

Where are Naruto and Sasuke? Fugaku looks up to see if they are still high in the sky. They are up there, alright. Sasuke is clinging to Naruto's back like her life depends on it - which it probably does.

"Minato!" Fugaku calls to the Fourth Hokage. Where did he go?

One of Minato's special kunai appears beside Fugaku. A second later, Minato himself appears with Might Dai close behind. "Little busy right now!" Minato says.

Kisame and Kakuzu attack Dai from either side.

"We will handle this one," says Kakuzu. "The woman fighting Mito Uzumaki needs assistance."

"Minato, go help your wife," orders Fugaku. "I will protect Naruto and Sasuke."

* * *

In the Kamui world, Obito takes a deep breath and sighs. The White Fang was reanimated. Obito is both pleased and angry. Pleased that he has a chance to meet his childhood hero, and angry that The White Fang was dishonoured in such a way. Spurred by these conflicting feelings, Obito follows the marker he put on Jiraiya and exits the Kamui world.

Obito yelps and covers his eyes.

"I did warn you," says Jiraiya, laughing.

"Oh my," says the woman in bed with Jiraiya. "How did he get in here?"

"Just finish up," says Obito, running from the hotel bedroom. "I'll be outside waiting." Obito slams the door behind him and leans on the wall, his eyes wide. Jiraiya did, in fact, warn him about that.

" _Obito," he'd said. "Bear in mind that if you ever go looking for me through your jutsu, you might walk in on me having sex."_

Obito momentarily forgets how urgent getting Jiraiya to the Temple of Jashin is. He remembers when Jiraiya exits the room about a couple of minutes later tying his scroll onto his back. "That was fast," says Obito, wide eyed.

"We were finishing up anyway," says Jiraiya. "Now what was so important you interrupted my sex life?"

"The Temple of Jashin is under attack," says Obito, transporting them both into the Kamui world. "Zetsu broke through the barrier and he has an army with him."

Jiraiya's face turns grave. "Then why did you leave?"

"We managed to get some reinforcements," says Obito. He does not want to say more - they need to get back to the temple. Obito transports them out of the Kamui world, back to the Temple of Jashin and back to the chaos.

"JIRAIYA SENSEI!" Minato sensei yells, waving to Jiraiya.

"Minato?" says Jiraiya, gobsmacked. "KUSHINA? HOW? WHAT? WHY? WHEN?"

"Naruto is a Grand Master of Fuuinjutsu now," says Kakashi smugly. As he says it, Kakashi ducks under his father's sword to avoid losing a head.

"Jiraiya, stop gawking and help Nagato defeat Ikkaku's reanimation!" orders Lord Fugaku, pointing to where Ikkaku Umino is close to defeating Nagato.

"Yes Lord Hokage," says Jiraiya and heads into the battlefield to do just that.


	204. Naruto and Sasuke VS Black Zetsu

"Obito is back," Naruto tells Sasuke. "And he brought Pervy Sage this time, 'tebayo."

"Naruto, how are we going to defeat Zetsu?" asks Sasuke, irritably. "We can't even get at him."

"We'll have to get Lord First and Lord Second to distract him while we sneak close, 'tebayo," says Naruto. "Why is Obito fangirling over Kakashi sensei's Dad?"

"He's what?" Sasuke leans over Naruto's shoulder to get a better look. Sure enough, Obito is staring at Kakashi sensei's Dad with a stupid grin on his face and making unintelligible noises. Sasuke snickers. "What a moron."

Naruto and Sasuke watch and laugh as Tenzou slaps Obito and yells at him to stop fangirling and start fighting. Obito pulls a pitiful face and pulls out a blue and white war fan. He swings it at Kakashi sensei's Dad, who dodges easily.

Now that that fight is no longer interesting, Naruto and Sasuke swoop down and hover near Sasuke's Dad. "We are ready to do the jutsu, Mr. Nice Hokage," says Naruto. "We just need to get close enough."

"Good," says Sasuke's Dad. "Stay close to me and be ready to go in. You might only get one shot at this."

Naruto flies after Sasuke's Dad as he heads into the battle ground. They pass Kakashi, Tenzou and Obito's fight against Kakashi's Dad. Then they pass Gai's Dad, who attacks them with a flying kick. Sasuke's Dad blows him away with a, "Universal Push."

"Isn't it Almighty?" says Naruto, sounding more than a little confused.

"It could be either," replies Sasuke's Dad, deflecting an attack from the reanimation of Iruka sensei's Dad. Nagato and Naruto's Dad quickly drag Iruka sensei's Dad back into battle with them.

A wall of Rasa's gold dust prevents an attack by the reanimated Yashamaru. Almost immediately after that attack, the Second Mizukage attempts his own assault on Naruto, Sasuke and Sasuke's Dad. Gaara and Shukaku's Guards erect a barrier of sand to prevent the dead Mizukage from reaching the three Leaf ninjas.

Sasuke's Dad marches on, carving a path through the white zetsus. Naruto flies after him while Sasuke clings to Naruto's back with one arm and one leg. Her left arm is crushed painfully between herself and Naruto and her left leg is hanging down limply. If Sasuke hadn't taken her pain medication she would be in agony.

"Get ready, Sasuke, Naruto," says Sasuke's Dad. "We are almost close enough."

"Right," says Naruto, and makes the sign for the Shadow Clone Jutsu. "Multi Shadow Clone Jutsu!"

A hundred more Narutos appear: some floating and some firmly on the ground. One of the clones lifts Sasuke off Naruto's back and holds her in front of himself. Sasuke is not very comfortable with being held bridal style, but at least it is easier on her injuries.

"Shhh!" The Clone transforms Sasuke into another Naruto and draws a strange seal on her arm. "Anti gravity seal, 'tebayo," explains the Naruto clone, as he activates the seal. "Use chakra to control your movements."

Sasuke nods and floats out of the clone's arms. She tests the seal, moving first to the left, then the right. Sasuke is tempted to get herself a permanent anti gravity seal. Flying feels amazingly freeing, especially after being in a wheelchair for so long.

"Lord First! Lord Second!" calls Sasuke's Dad, striding up to the two reanimations. "We are here to back you up."

Lord First and Lord Second exchange an understanding look, and stop fooling around. One second they are running around chasing Zetsu like a pair of idiots, the next moment they are both surrounded by powerful chakra auras. Sasuke blinks in surprise at the overwhelming power emanating from the two dead Hokages.

"We are not as strong as we were in life because we were brought back weaker," says Lord First apologetically. "But we will do our best to lend you all the assistance we can."

"Half of your power is still more than most of the people here have on a good day," says Sasuke's Dad. "You know what we need to do. Let's fight."

The clone gestures to Sasuke to follow him. She follows him through the mass of clones, still disguised as another Naruto clone.

Zetsu looks around, his eyes flicking from one enemy to the next. His eyes settle on Sasuke's Dad. "We will kill you first, Hokage," Zetsu says.

"Whatever floats your boat," shrugs Sasuke's Dad.

"Fish and frog time," whispers Naruto's clone. "The Original Me has a plan, 'tebayo."

"I'm right here," whispers a Naruto from nearby.

"What's the plan?" asks Sasuke. Naruto's plans are usually crazy, but the more pressure he is under, the better the plan.

"Okay, so you know how we are supposed to cast little seals all around Black Zetsu while we distract him by being all over the place?" says Naruto, earnestly. "But we have to actually touch him before we cast the net?"

Sasuke thinks she knows where Naruto is going with this. "But I have to lay half the trap seals, and I need to touch Zetsu as well," she points out.

"You can make one shadow clone, can't you?" whispers Naruto, grinning. "And you can move really fast…"

Understanding dawns on Sasuke. "OH!" So that's why he gave her the antigravity seal.

Grinning, Naruto says, "Substitute with one of my clones when he hits you."

"Hmn," Sasuke nods understanding. She takes a deep breath and prepares to start speeding around under cover of Naruto's clones.

Naruto grins and hands her a kunai. "Let's do this."

Sasuke takes the kunai. Surprised, she grins and makes a shadow clone. The shadow clone climbs onto Naruto's shoulders, ready to pretend to be the real Sasuke.

"Let's go, 'tebayo!" whispers Naruto fiercely.

"Hmn," nods Sasuke, and the two children speed away in opposite directions. It is time to start setting the trap. It's like throwing out a net to catch a fish. Before they can lay the trap, Sasuke and Naruto need to place markers on Zetsu so that the trap centres around him and does not catch anyone else.

Sasuke, acting just like a Naruto clone, leads several clones in a wild charge at Zetsu. During the chaos, she makes a clone of herself, transforms it and switches places with it. The clone continues Sasuke's task. It charges Black Zetsu surrounded by a wall of Naruto clones. When she is close enough, Sasuke's clone throws the kunai Naruto gave her along with a shadow kunai of her own.

Zetsu easily dodges both kunai. He turns to the Sasuke's clone and says, "You will not harm me with such pathetic attacks. Where is the other brat?"

Sasuke's clone grins. Naruto's plan is working so far. Zetsu thinks she is one of Naruto's clones. Now for part two.

Sasuke's clone pulls out a handful of shuriken and throws the handful at Zetsu. Her awkward, one handed attempt at throwing the shuriken gets Zetsu's attention.

"So you disguised yourself as the jinchuuriki's clone, Uchiha!" says Zetsu triumphantly. He starts walking towards Sasuke.

Lords First and Second attack Zetsu from opposite sides, distracting him long enough for Sasuke's clone to grab the two kunai with chakra strings and pull them back towards herself.

As the two kunai fly past Zetsu, Zetsu sees them and grabs them both in one hand.

The clone swears to herself as she dispells because of the pain that action caused the real Sasuke.

With a pop and a puff of smoke, the two Kunai transform back into the real Sasuke and Naruto. Zetsu is forced to let go of the two young ninjas, who fly high up out of his reach.

Sasuke and Naruto high-five.

"Yes, it worked, 'tebayo!" Naruto grins.

Sasuke grins too. "Let's finish this, Idiot."

"He won't know what's hit him, Bastard, 'tebayo!" Naruto zooms away, and Sasuke speeds off in the opposite direction.

Sasuke and Naruto dart around Zetsu, laying the trap-seals in the patterns outlined in the scrolls. Zetsu lunges at Sasuke, only to come face-to-face with the First Hokage. The First Hokage fights Zetsu back, away from Sasuke. A horde of white zetsus rise out of the ground and leap at Naruto. The Second Hokage blasts them away with a torrent of water.

Sasuke's Dad leaps at Zetsu's back, a windmill in one hand. He launches it at the evil plant monster. Zetsu dodges, and the First Hokage catches the shuriken. Lord First uses the giant shuriken to cut down a crop of white zetsus before they can attack Sasuke.

Sasuke finishes her first pattern and starts the second. Naruto finishes his first pattern and begins his second.

The First, Second and Fifth Hokages attack Zetsu from three different directions with three different jutsu: Earth from the First, Water from the Second and Fire From the Fifth. Zetsu sinks into the ground to avoid the onslaught.

Sasuke and Naruto finish their Second patterns and begin the Fifth, and final, pattern - the one they must do together. The one that confused them for so long. The pattern is intricate and cannot be interrupted. But there are so many ways to salvage it is it is interrupted that both kids started to get confused over what they are actually supposed to do to if things go right.

The simple answer the Fourth Hokage gave them? Make like a frog on a sugar high crossed with a fish: be all over the place and slip out of Zetsu's grip. And don't get caught.

So that is what they do, and finally, the jutsu is finished.

Zetsu rises out of the ground to attack Sasuke and Naruto just as they activate the seals. The web they wove glows white and purple. Thousands of lines connect the trap seals together. Not knowing what the seal will actually do once activated, Sasuke and Naruto watch with interest to see how it will defeat Zetsu.

The web pulls Zetsu into the centre of itself and sends a beam from each trap seal into his body. Purple beams that crackle with lightning cut into Zetsu from the seals Sasuke laid, while white beams at hum with a cutting edge bore into him from Naruto's seals. For an instant, the entire battle field goes quiet as everyone turns to watch.

Then Zetsu is disintegrates and the seals vanish. A pile of black dust falls to the ground.

Zetsu is dead.


	205. Behind the Mask

Zetsu is dead.

The battle field pauses to take this new development in. Kushina and Mito stop pulling each others hair in order to stare as Zetsu's ashes fall to the ground, allowing Minato to finally prise them apart before turning to stare himself. Kakuzu and Kisame narrowly avoid getting hit by a devastating kick from Might Dai before all three turn to watch the seal. Ikkaku Umino falters in the middle of creating a seal that might have destroyed the entire temple as Zetsu is disintegrated, allowing Nagato and Jiraiya to escape from the seal he cast to bind them in place. Kohari stops in the middle of attacking Mei, Cojiro and Ao at the same time as Ikkaku falters. Sasori and Deidara pause long enough to glance over and see that Zetsu is dead, before shrugging and going back to beating the artistic taste out of each other. Hiashi, Hizashi, Hana, Kinoko, Kimimaro, Asuma and Kurenai pause in their fight against Hanabi Otsutsuki and ten or so white Zetsu, while the zetsu and Hanabi falter as Zetsu is destroyed. Yashamaru, Rasa and Baki do not stop or look: their focus is solely on eachother.

"Ooooh, that's got to hurt," says Gengetsu Hozuki, pausing with his hand over Kankuro's face. Kankuro stops pathetically trying to hit Gengetsu and turns to look at the seal. Gaara uses the distraction as an opportunity to attempt to seal Gengetsu. Gengetsu effortlessly dodges without even looking.

Shukaku's Guards and Gaara's siblings stop staring at Zetsu's ashes and turn their attention back to the fight against the Second Mizukage.

The other defenders simply smile or sigh in relief and continue fighting the horde of white zetsu clones.

Hashirama and Tobirama breathe a sigh of relief. Fugaku closes his eyes for a second and lets out a long breath. They've won this fight. Now, they just need to clean up the reanimations and find the jutsu caster. The white zetsus should be easy enough to take care of.

Then Sasuke and Naruto scream.

Fugaku snaps his eyes open to see Zetsu rise up out of the ground. Thorny branches protrude from Naruto and Sasuke's chests. There is blood all down their fronts and expressions of shock and pain on the two children's faces. "SASUKE!" Fugaku feels a power well up inside him that he has never accessed before: one that he was afraid to touch.

Zetsu laughs as Sasuke and Naruto fall to the ground, the branches still sticking out of their chests. "I have a very powerful ally hiding in the shadows!" Zetsu gloats. "I think I'll let him handle you, Hokage."

"I'll kill him and then I'll kill you," Fugaku growls as a purple skeleton forms around his body. Ribs, arms, head, legs - it takes form and grows in size until Fugaku's full, perfect Susanoo fills the battle field.

"Oh, you've done it now," sighs Tobirama, crossing his arms and rolling his eyes.

The Masked Man appears beside Zetsu and says, calmly, "I will not let you ruin our plans, Fugaku."

Fugaku lifts a hand and the susanoo slaps the Masked Man into the barrier seal around the Temple. The Masked Man burns away to nothing in an instant.

Fugaku turns his attention back to Black Zetsu, only to discover that the slippery plant monster vanished while he was preoccupied. Fugaku lowers his susanoo, not wanting to waste his chakra on such a huge jutsu. If he needs it, he can summon just the ribcage. The full susanoo will crush everyone fighting on the temple stairs if he so much as moves with it.

The Masked Man appears, alive and well, in the middle of the defenders.

What just happened?

Fugaku leaps forward, over the heads of the defenders and white zetsus. Just as he gets airborne, Fugaku is blasted to the ground by a wave of powerful, angry chakra. As he picks himself up from the dirt, Fugaku turns to see Minato and Kushina angrily striding towards the Masked Man. An angry red aura of deadly chakra surrounds Kushina, who is cracking her knuckles. Her hair floats around her head in red clumps that resemble the Kyuubi's tails. Her eyes promise a painful death. Minato is surrounded by a crushingly heavy yellow aura of pure rage. He spins his Hiraishin kunai around one finger, calm rage written all over every inch of his body language.

The reanimations all fall to their knees, and the white zetsus turn to white goop under the weight of Minato and Kushina's killing intent. The Masked Man takes a step backwards in fear.

"Let's take that mask off, shall we?" says Minato, casually throwing his kunai and vanishing, only to reappear behind the Masked Man a moment later and cut the strap holding the mask in place.

"I thought you seemed familiar," says Minato.

Every medic on the battlefield, except Tsunade, rushes past Fugaku to where Sasuke and Naruto are lying in in a growing pool of their combined blood.

The mask falls to the ground.

"Where did you get the Izanagi, Danzo?" asks Fugaku, realizing that his old bully is now his enemy, the Masked Man.

"From Uchihas who tried to stop me from from doing what I needed to," says Danzo, pulling back his sleeve to reveal four eyes imbedded in his arm. Two of the eyes are closed. "I had a pair while I was still in the leaf. I used one to escape my execution. The other, I used to kill two young Uchiha police who found me and tried to stop me from escaping. These four eyes are thiers."

"So it was you who killed those two," says Shisui, his eyebrows forming an angry V. "We thought enemy shinobi did that, but it was one of our village elders. How low can one man fall?"

"I have not fallen," says Danzo. "I simply work to bring about a better world!" He is promptly impaled by Kushina's chakra chains.

"The world will be better when you are no longer in it," says Shin, the young genin originally from Root. "What sort of twisted man forces children to kill each other in a village built so that children would not need to die?"

"I hate to admit it," says Ao of the Hidden Mist. "But things were pretty s***y in my day, when we had to kill our friends as part of our graduation exam. I always thought the Leaf was too nice to allow something like that to happen for any-." He is cut off as a branch shoots out of the ground and impales him.

A cry from Shin alerts Fugaku to the fact the boy suffered the same fate.

"BROTHER!" Screams Sai, falling to his knees beside his brother.

A split second later, Danzo appears on the steps of the Temple, safe and sound. An eye on his arm closes.

"Three," says Minato, calmly.

"Come on, kids," Fugaku hears Sei mutter to Naruto and Sasuke. "Hang on - we'll fix you up."

They're alive. Fugaku feels intense relief flood his entire body.

Rin runs over to Shin and Nono Yakushi runs over to Ao.

"The boy is dead," says Rin. "I can't help him." Sai's crying gets a little louder and a lot more teary.

"Lord Ao is dead too," says Nono, shaking her head.

Shisui shunshins behind Danzo and cuts him in two. The old man vanishes in a puff of smoke. A log appears in his place. Danzo reappears a moment later, beside Tsunade and Iruka. Danzo has a wooden stake in his hand, which he brings down on Iruka. Before the blow can connect, Kohari, Ikkaku and Mei all impale Danzo with the sharpest weapons in their inventories. Where Mei was keeping a windmill shuriken that size is not something Fugaku wants to contemplate. Blood spurts out of Danzo. This time, there is no replacement log.

Danzo falls to the ground, only for his body to vanish as he appears in front of Shisui. The fourth eye on Danzo's arm closes as he pins Shisui. Minato throws his kunai. Fugaku leaps forward. The entire battle field, bar the inactive reanimations and the medics, all leap towards Danzo as one.

Shisui screams as Danzo pulls out his right eye. Danzo substitutes away with the eye. Fugaku and his allies stop in their tracks and turn to the Temple Stairs, where Danzo stands triumphantly.

"Shisui, we'll get your eye back," says Fugaku.

"That's not what I'm worried about," says Shisui. "My eyes have a special power…"

"That's right," says Danzo, pulling off the bandages covering his right eye. He opens it, revealing an empty socket. Carefully, Danzo pushes Shisui's eye into his empty eye socket. "And now I posses that power. You will all die here, and Project Tsukuyomi will go ahead as planned." Danzo activates Shisui's mangekyou sharingan.

Shisui holds up his hand in a half ram seal. "I prepared for something like this," he says calmly. "Hidden Bird."

Both Shisui's eyes explode, sending blood flying everywhere.

Danzo lets out an angry yell.

A moment later, a sword blossoms out of his heart as Obito appears behind him. As Danzo falls to the ground dead, Obito looks down at Shisui and says, his voice full of anguish, "I'm sorry I'm late, Shisui."


	206. Bracken Dance

"You picked the worst possible time to be late, Obito," sighs Kakashi.

"My face stings," says Shisui conversationally.

"Just stings?" says Nono Yakushi, kneeling down beside Shisui and beginning to clean and bandage his eyes. "You exploded your eyeballs and your face just stings?"

"I have a high pain tolerance?" says Shisui, sounding a little uncertain.

Fugaku frowns. "Where have we met before?" he asks Nono. "I can't remember, and it's bugging me. I feel like it was important."

"I was at the chunin exams," says Nono, tying Shisui's bandage in place. "I was wearing the mask of Wind at the time. Rin was wearing the ANBU Turtle mask."

"Sometimes I wear the Rain mask if Obito is busy somewhere else," says Nagato. "But it was Obito as Rain at the chunin exams."

"So it was Obito who killed Orochimaru before making him end the reanimation jutsu, then," Tobirama crosses his arms and glares at Obito.

"HAHAHAHA!" Kohari Umino doubles over laughing. "Then he's done it twice! Danzo was the jutsu caster for the reanimation jutsu this time!"

Fugaku laughs too (although his laugh is more of a subdued snigger), and heads over to where Sasuke and Naruto are lying, still unconscious.

Feeling a growing sense of dread, Minato and Kushina follow. Minato kneels down beside Naruto.

"He's alive," says the member of Kurama's Guards who is healing him. "Kurama is helping him heal faster. It's Sasuke we are worried about. She was already in a bad way…"

"I'm getting deja vu," jokes Kabuto. He is one of the many medics crowded around Sasuke.

"Keep having deja vu," orders Fugaku. "That way she'll make it."

"I hate to be a buzzkill," says Yahiko nervously. "But..uh...where is Black Zetsu?"

"We are here," says Black Zetsu.

Minato turns to see the evil monster standing a short way away, at the foot of the ruined Temple stairs. Minato, who had calmed his chakra, gets riled up at the sight of the monster who twice tried to kill Naruto. He feels Kushina's chakra rise too.

"Minato, let's kill this monster, dattebane," says Kushina.

Minato stands and starts walking towards Zetsu. Kushina falls into step beside him. Zetsu stands his ground as Kushina and Minato walk slowly towards him. Kushina unleashes all her chakra chains, and they float menacingly in the air around her and Minato. Minato stares at a space in the air behind Zetsu. He has only done this successfully once, but he is so angry that he does not care whether or not he can actually activate the Hiraishin with just his mind. The seal activates, and Minato teleports behind Zetsu.

"Rasengan," says Minato calmly, activating his Rasengan as he slams it into Black Zetsu. Zetsu breaks into four pieces. His white half separates from his black half and the two sides of his plant covering fall to the ground.

The black part of Zetsu slithers along the ground like a black snake. Kushina sends her chakra chains down upon Black Zetsu in a volley of doom. Black Zetsu slips through the gaps between chains and vanishes into the gathered allies.

"SCATTER!" yells Gaara, flying up into the air, our of Zetsu's reach. He lifts Naruto and Sasuke, along with their medics, off the ground on platforms made of sand.

Sai draws a giant ink bird and uses ninjutsu to bring it to life. He pulls Shisui onto the bird and flies up into the air.

"SAI!" Tsunade calls up to the boy. "Stay there!" She lifts up Iruka and leaps into the air, and onto Sai's ink bird.

The rest of the defenders spread out around the temple grounds. Deidara, Konan and Nagato all join Gaara and Sai in the air. Nagato simply floats up, while Konan flies up on her paper wings and Deidara flies up on the giant clay bird she made during her battle with Sasori. Rasa rises into the air on a platform of gold dust, taking Temari and Kankuro with him. Shukaku's guards lift themselves into the air on platforms of sand too.

"Kazekage," says Kimimaro, looking up at Gaara. "Do you think you and your guards can get everyone except me airborne?"

"Done," says one of the guards, lifting a hand. Minato, along with everyone else still on the ground (reanimations included), rises into the air. Only Kimimaro remains on the ground.

Minato and Kushina look over the edge of their sand platform to see where Zetsu is. "Where is that slippery bastard?" growls Kushina.

"That is what I intend to find out," says Kimimaro.

"What are you doing?" demands Kinoko. "Get up here, Kimimaro!"

"No, wait," says Kabuto, holding up a hand. "I know what Kimimaro is planning. Hurry, before he stops you, Kimimaro."

Kimimaro nods and makes a hand sign. "Bracken Dance!" The ground shakes as thousands of white spikes rise out of the ground. Minato realizes the spikes are made of bone.

Kinoko leaps down from her sand platform, sword in hand, the Mangekyou Sharingan blazing in her eyes. Zetsu leaps out of the forest of bones. Part of his body is formed into spikes. Before those spikes can make contact with Kimimaro, Kinoko slices them off. Black Zetsu falls back letting loose an angry growl. The black goop Kinoko sliced falls to the ground and twitches, before lying still.

Gaara stretches out a hand. Sand rises out of the ground, lifting Kinoko and Kimimaro to safety.

Zetsu slides over the ground, a strange black shadow now that the white part of him is gone.

"How did you get Danzo on your side?" Fugaku demands. "And how could he use the Wood Style?"

Zetsu pauses over the place where the severed part of himself fell. "I found him after he fled the Leaf," explains Zetsu. "I explained my plan, and asked him to join me. He agreed to help me because I promised a perfect world. I helped him replace his crippled arm with white zetsu cells, enabling him to use Wood Style. He implanted his stolen Sharingan into his arm and we began to locate the things we need for project Tsukinome. Of course, I can continue the project alone. But it will take a while before I can gather enough help to capture the bijuu. But first: all of you who know my intentions must die."

Gaara screams.

Minato turns to see what has happened. A white zetsu is slithering out of Gaara's sand shield. The severed piece of Black Zetsu wraps around Gaara's throat. Yashamaru leaps off his sand platform. "LET HIM GO!"

"Substitution jutsu," says Rasa. Instantly, he and Gaara switch places.

"What…?" the white zetsu is so surprised he falls off the sand platform. Gaara's sand platforms fail, and the people on them leap to the nearest flying device in order to stay airborne.

Rasa grabs the piece of Black Zetsu, which is now around his throat, and tears it off. As they fall to the ground, Rasa grapples with white zetsu and the piece of Black Zetsu. In the few seconds it takes for them to fall, Gaara has already recovered and is on his way to assist his father. Yashamaru lands on the ground, skids slightly and turns to stop Gaara from going near Rasa, white zetsu and the piece of Black Zetsu.

"Get out of there, they are after Shukaku!" calls one of Shukaku's Guards, pulling Gaara up and away from the ground.

The piece of Black Zetsu squeezes out of Rasa's grasp and attaches to the white zetsu. The white zetsu springs through the air, brushes aside Gaara's sand shield and knocks the boy to the ground.

A quick glance around at everyone else shows Minato that mostly everyone else is exhausted. They are trying to stand, trying to get up and help. The reanimations (bar Sasori who is content to watch) and the stronger members of Akatsuki are poised, waiting for an opportunity to assist.

But it is all happening so fast. By the time they move, it will all be over. Shukaku's guards lifted everyone a little too high, and those flying on their own jutsu are holding up others as well. Except Nagato and Konan.

Nagato holds out his hand. "Almighty Pull," he says, and Gaara flies away from the hybrid zetsu, up into the air towards Nagato. Konan's paper butterflies wizz past Gaara and imbed themselves in the Hybrid Zetsu. Minato activates the Hiraishin with his mind again and retrieves Rasa from the ground. Rasa is a dried out husk, barely alive. White Zetsu sucked out all his chakra and most of his body mass.

"Ga...Gaara…" croaks Rasa.

Nagato flies over with Gaara under his arm and places the boy Kazekage beside his father.

"I'm sorry Gaara," whispers Rasa, unable to summon enough energy to speak any louder. "I tried to kill you so many times...but in the end...I love you too much to let you die."

"Father…" says Gaara, tears beginning to well up in his eyes. "Don't die. I want to know you properly."

"It's too late," whispers Rasa. "I'm proud of you." He falls back and his eyes glaze over. Gold Dust Rasa is dead.

Gaara puts his hand over the kanji carved into his forehead and cries.


	207. The Sage of Six Paths

"Naruto!" Naruto hears Sasuke calling his name.

He opens his eyes and sees only white. Naruto sits up and looks around. He is sitting in a pure white void. Not far off, he sees Sasuke trying to drag herself towards him.

"Sasuke!" Naruto leaps to his feet and runs over to his team mate. "Where are we?"

"You mean this isn't the after life?" asks Sasuke, irritably.

"I don't think so," says Naruto. "I don't think you'd be in pain if it was. I can't feel Kurama, though...So maybe we are dead…"

"My Dad will be pissed if we are dead," says Sasuke.

"So will mine," says Naruto. "And Grandma…" Then Naruto realizes something. "AHHH WHAT WILL GRANDMA AND GRANDPA THINK OF ME BLACKMAILING THE SHINIGAMI?! THEY TOLD ME THAT BLACKMAIL IS WRONG, DATTEBAYO!"

"I think they'll be too busy hugging your parents to care," says Sasuke, rolling her eyes.

Naruto turns an anguished look upon Sasuke. "Have you met my Grandparents?" he asks.

Sasuke's face goes from amused to concerned. "Oh."

"I'm going to be in so much trouble whether I'm dead or not, 'tebayo!" frets Naruto.

"What maketh thee think thou art dead?" says an old man's voice.

Naruto and Sasuke turn to see an ancient man floating cross legged over nine black orbs. He is wearing a long white robe decorated with tomoe. Strange horns poke out of his hair, and a there is a circle that resembles a red rinnegan in the centre of his forehead. A black staff floats beside him. There is a C at one end of the staff and a large ring with six smaller rings looped around it on the other end.

Naruto notices his eyes. "Hey! You have rinnegan like Sasuke's dad and Nagato!"

"Thou dost possess observant eyes," the old man says. "Thou hast not yet died, but at this moment, rushing will accomplish naught."

Naruto frowns. "I think this guy's gone in the head," he whispers to Sasuke. "No one's talked like that in a million years, 'tebayo."

Sasuke nods slightly in agreement.

Naruto turns to the old man, who is watching them with interest. "Can't you use normal words?" he demands.

"Each instance where I cross time and meet an incarnate," says the old man, making his words a little bit simpler. "I have come to sense greatly the differences between the other and myself."

Still barely able to understand what the old guy is saying, Naruto feels his eyebrow start twitching. "OH SHUT UP!" Naruto yells, forgetting his manners. "I don't have time to sit around listening to some old fart! We have to get back to killing Black Zetsu!"

"I see that I must speak simply, taking into account the current-"

"More simply than that," interrupts Sasuke, glaring daggers at the old man. "No one's talked like that for so long even the undead First Hokage doesn't."

"To think this conversation would pose such a challenge," sighs the old man. "Hows about if I talk like-a this?"

"No," says Naruto, trying not to laugh at the old man's attempt at sounding young. "That makes you sound stupid, 'tebayo."

"Ah, how is this, then?" says the old man, finally sounding like a normal old man.

"That's good," says Naruto, and Sasuke nods her agreement.

"Good," says the old man.

"Oh, sorry!" apologises Naruto, remembering his manners. "I am Naruto Uzumaki, and this is Sasuke Uchiha. It's nice to meet you." Naruto does little bow just like his grandma taught him.

"Hi," says Sasuke, hiding behind Naruto.

"It is a pleasure to meet you," says the old man. "I am Hagoromo, the founder of the ninja creed. I am also known as the Sage of Six Paths."

"OOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!" Naruto grins widely and runs up to the old man. He grabs the old man's hand and starts shaking it enthusiastically. "You're Shukaku, Matatabi, Isobu, Son Goku, Kokuo, Saiken, Chomei, Gyuuki and Kurama's Dad! I'm the reincarnation of your son Ashura, and Sasuke over there is Indra, but she doesn't like that cause he was some smelly old man according to her-"

"Naruto, shut up!" hisses Sasuke, dragging him away from the Sage of Six Paths.

"But he's the guy who invented ninshuu like what the bijuu guards use!" protests Naruto. "And he was our Dad a long time ago! THIS IS SO COOL, DATTEBAYO!"

"Please calm down," says the Sage of Six Paths, holding up a hand. "How do you know all of these things? I thought knowledge of my deeds faded away into myth."

"Pfft, we read a scroll all about Indra and Ashura and accidentally passed the tests to find out if we are their reincarnations," says Naruto, waving away the question nonchalantly (he learned that word from Neji).

"How does that work, anyway?" asks Sasuke shyly. "Hashirama Senji was Ashura before Naruto, but he's been reanimated. How can two reincarnations of the same person exist at once?"

"It is their chakra and their will to finish their fight that lives on, not their actual souls," explains the Sage of Six Paths, crossing his arms. "Until the conflict is resolved and my two sons are reconciled, their wills will continue to transfer to two boys destined for either great friendship or great animosity."

"Animosity…?" Naruto cocks his head to one side and screws up his face in confusion.

"Hatred towards each other," explains the Sage of Six Paths. Then he turns his attention to Sasuke. "You have felt Indra's presence, haven't you?"

"Yes," says Sasuke. "Every time Naruto tried to make friends I felt someone telling me to fight him, to hate him...but I can't hate him. I want to fight him to see who is stronger, but I can't hate him."

"Aw, Sasuke," says Naruto, feeling self conscious. "I can't hate you either." Then Naruto hits on an idea. "Let's train until after we both turn 18, then we'll meet somewhere with lots of space - like the Valley of End - and fight to see who's stronger."

"That sounds like a plan," says Sasuke, nodding once, firmly.

"Please stop changing the subject," says the Sage of Six Paths. "I have important things to tell you before the medics finish reviving you."

"Oh, sorry," apologises Naruto, and turns his attention back to the Sage of Six Paths.

"The last generation of incarnations were, as you know, Madara and Hashirama," says the old Sage. "Madara was so obsessed with power that he stole some of Hashirama's, which awakened chakra inside him that is similar to my own. Joining the power of my two sons awakened the rinnegan, which he later gave to Nagato."

"Oh," nods Naruto. "So how come Mr. Nice Hokage has rinnegan, if that's how you awaken it?"

"Ah, well," the Sage considers the question. "Perhaps he was able to awaken the rinnegan because his mother was from the Senju clan, meaning he came from both the bloodlines of both my sons."

Naruto thinks about this carefully. Finally he says, "Then by that logic, wouldn't Nagato have been able to awaken rinnegan own his own, since he's descended from Indra and Ashura as well? And wouldn't anyone descended from both be able to?"

"In theory, yes," confirms the Old Sage. "But in reality, no. Everyone descended from both my sons has a slim chance of being able to awaken the rinnegan, however, Only a few actually possess that potential in full. Nagato's original eyes possessed the potential to unlock the rinnegan. That is why he was able to inherit Madara's eyes after his own were ruined by a childhood disease. Without the natural ability inside him to awaken and control the rinnegan, Nagato would never have been able to control Madara's eyes, which are much weaker than Nagato's would have been. But we digress…"

"Digress? What does that mean?"

"It means to stray off topic," explains the Old Sage. "The reason I am here is to warn you that Black Zetsu's plan is to revive my mother, Kaguya. If Kaguya is revived it will mean the end of life as you know it. The fragile ceasefire between nations; the closest mankind has come to peace: it will all vanish. The wars this world has known will look like peacetime in comparison to the chaos my mother will cause. My mother possess the byakugan and the sharingan: with the combined might of both eyes she will cast a jutsu on the world that will gather all the chakra together and create a fruit. If this happens, the world will end. We cannot allow this to happen. You must defeat Zetsu before he can revive her."

"Okay, how should we do that?" asks Sasuke. "The first plan failed."

"Your first plan worked fine," says the Old Sage, smiling. "I am sure you two can pull it off again. After all, the two of you are different from any incarnation that has come before. Sasuke, you are the first girl. Naruto, you are an idiot, but that unpredictability might save us all. But perhaps I am the idiot. I created an unnecessary conflict by entrusting my legacy to just one of my sons. The time has come for me to make it right. Hold out your dominant hands."

Naruto holds out his right hand.

Sasuke unties her sling and awkwardly holds out her left hand.

"That will never do," says the Sage of Six Paths, and touches her arm with one end of his staff. The bandages fall off and Sasuke's arm straightens out, completely healed. "What you two do from now on is up to you. Continue your fight or make friends, create peace or war: it is all up to you." The Old Sage Holds up both hands.

Sasuke places her left hand on the Sage's left hand while Naruto places his right hand on the Sage's right. The staff floats into the air behind the Old Sage with the C on Sasuke's side and the ring on Naruto's.

Half of the Sage's Power flows into Naruto and the other half flows into Sasuke.

The Sage fades away, saying, "Go, and save the world. You know what to do, I think. Good luck, Indra and Ashura...no, Sasuke and Naruto."


	208. Naruto and Sasuke VS Zetsu: Part Two

Zetsu looks up at his enemies, and his enemies glare back down at him. The bodies of the slain lie abandoned in the temple courtyard and on the temple stairs. All the white zetsu are dead, killed by Kimimaro's Bone Dance Jutsu. Gaara's sobs and his siblings' sniffles carry clearly to where Kushina kneels, perched on the edge of a platform made of sand. Kushina glares down at Zetsu, imagining how best to turn him into a salad.

Kushina glances over to see how Naruto and Sasuke are doing. They do not look much different. One of the medics sees Kushina looking and shoots her an encouraging smile.

Kushina turns her attention back to Zetsu. A tree starts to grow up out of the ground underneath Zetsu, lifting him into the air.

"Ready…" says Fugaku, lifting a hand.

"On three," says Nagato, raising his hand.

"One…" says Fugaku, slowly, his rinnegan spinning.

Kushina, realizing they are planning a combo attack, takes a deep breath and forces herself to calm down. She will see what they do, and if their attack fails, she will attack Zetsu herself.

"Two…" says Nagato, rising slightly higher into the air.

Kushina glances over at Naruto again. Still no sign of him and Sasuke waking up.

"Three." Nagato and Fugaku say together. "Universal/Almighty Push."

Zetsu is hit by a wall of air. It pushes him backwards, into the ground. The ground explodes under the force of Nagato and Fugaku's attack, creating a crater the size of a small house. Zetsu lies in an ugly black blob in the centre of the crater.

Kushina raises her chakra chains and sends them in a deadly volley, down into the crater. A purple and white barrier stops her chains in their tracks. It looks familiar…

Kushina watches, annoyed and impressed as the purple and white barrier pulls Zetsu into its centre and disintergrates him. Then the barrier vanishes with a pop, leaving a pile of ash that used to be Zetsu behind.

As the barrier vanishes, it reveals Naruto and Sasuke, floating in the air on the far side of the crater. Sasuke has pigtails in her hair, and her left arm is no longer bandaged.

Kushina turns to look at the sand platform they were on a second ago. "How?" she asks. "What? When?"

Sasuke retreats behind Naruto, a shy blush on her face. "When is the right question," she giggles nervously.

"THAT was artistic!" yells Deidara. "You kids know how to destroy stuff, un!"

"Aw, thanks," says Naruto, taking the complement rather than point out that they didn't actually cause an explosion, which seems to be the type of art Deidara likes best.

"That was NOT art, you stupid brat!" snaps Sasori, irritated. "Art is eternal beauty, not a fleeting moment of destruction, or whatever you seem to think it is!"

"Don't be silly," says Konan reasonably. "Art is perfectly folded paper."

"WRONG!" says Minato. "Art is Kushina's homemade ramen!"

"Art is any good ramen," corrects Naruto.

"Art is a perfectly arranged garden," counters the First Hokage.

"My mustache is art," says Fugaku, crossing his arms and nodding.

"Paintings and drawings are art!" insists Sai, frowning at everyone else.

"You are all wrong!" shouts Deidara, angry.

"Actually, everyone is right," interrupts Shisui, reasonably. Everyone turns to look at him. "What? Are none of you here aware of the true nature of art?" He shakes his head and immediately winces slightly. "Art is unique to everyone. Everyone in the whole world has a different perspective on what art is. Art cannot be narrowed down to one specific thing because art is a reflection of the artist's soul."

The Second Hokage claps solemnly. "Well said, Uchiha. I'm beginning to think you might be related to Kagami."

"They are from the same clan, Tobirama," points out Lord First.

"Kagami is my Grandfather," says Shisui. "But that has nothing to do with art. See, everyone here has a different idea of what art is, and that's normal. After all, Sasori, Deidara: if you two had the same art style, you'd be competitors. As it is, your art styles are complementary opposites."

"I'm done listening to this," says Sasori. His body begins to crumble into white flakes. "I'm going to go back to being dead. Remember me as a great artist."

"I will!" calls Kankuro, enthusiastically. "I will take care of your puppets and use your puppets, and learn how to make my own puppets…"

"Good boy," says Sasori, as his soul floats out of the reanimated body. "And don't ever reanimate me again!" Sasori's soul vanishes, leaving behind a dead body in a pile of white ash.

"Well," says Fugaku. "That's that over. Finally. Good job, Sasuke and Naruto."

"What happened?" demands Kushina, unable to contain her curiosity. "HOW did you get from there to there so fast AND cast the jutsu in less than a second?"

"WELL!" Naruto grins and starts making hand signs. "We had a chat with the Sage of Six Paths and then what happens next is the more important part, 'teabyo." Then Naruto makes two hand signs that are unfamiliar to Kushina followed by the Half-Ram Seal. "Flash-Back No Jutsu!"

The temple vanishes, and is replaced by a white void. Nearby, Kushina sees Naruto another standing beside another Sasuke, who is sitting awkwardly in the void.

" _What did that old geezer mean, we'll know what to do?" growls Sasuke, flexing her left arm. "Well, at least he healed my arm. Now we just have to wait for the healers to heal our stab wounds so we can wake up."_

" _In the meantime, we should make a plan!" says Naruto, sitting down beside Sasuke. "If only we had more time, 'tebayo."_

" _Time…" sighs Sasuke, blowing up a lock of hair. "You need to finish that time stop jutsu."_

" _Yeah, if I could finish it before they heal us, we could stop time and then kill Zetsu before he knows what hit him, dattebayo," says Naruto glumly. "But I've been working on that jutsu for aaaaages and I still can't do it."_

" _Have you tried speeding up time for yourself so much that it looks to you like time has stopped?" asks Sasuke, equally glumly._

" _Yeah, I messed up and ended up slowing down time instead," says Naruto. "I turned that mistake into the Temporal Distortion."_

" _Couldn't we use that against Zetsu?" asks Sasuke._

" _He's so strong he'll break out of it," says Naruto. "Besides, I need to hold that one in place while it's up and my shadow clone can't hold it for as long as it will take you and me to cast the zetsu killer seal. I'm not as awesome as Iruka-nisan, 'tebayo."_

" _No one is as awesome as Iruka sensei," says Sasuke. Then her eyes widen. "I just had an idea! What if you used the hand seals from the Flashback no Jutsu?"_

"I'm confused," Ikkaku interrupts. "How do Iruka and the Flashback no Jutsu connect?"

"Iruka's kid invented it," explains Naruto. "Back to the flashback!"

The flashback unpauses. (Kushina didn't even notice it was paused.) _Naruto crosses his arms and screws up his face in thought. Finally, he grins brilliantly. "Sasuke, I am so glad we're teaching you fuuinjutsu!" He starts making hand signs. He adds in the two strange hand signs from the Flashback no Jutsu. When he is finished, Naruto grins. "I think that's right. I'm going to try it, 'tebayo!" Naruto pulls out a paint brush and slowly paints a seal on the ground._

" _You really are slow," scoff Sasuke. "No wonder you rely on punching people in an actual fight."_

 _Naruto sniffs and says, quite defensively, "Kakashi sensei says my mum is slow at drawing seals too."_

 _Sasuke pulls an angry face. "Your mum can pull giant chains made of chakra out of her ass! She doesn't need ordinary seals!"_

" _Technically she pulls them out of her back," points out Naruto, weaving hand signs. "Fuuin: Time Stop." He lays his hands on the seal and activates it. The seal glows and Naruto vanishes, only to reappear behind Sasuke, who now has pigtails in her hair._

 _Sasuke puts her hand to her hair. "Why do you have hair ties?" she demands._

" _Hinata," says Naruto, shrugging._

 _Sasuke sighs. "I walked right into that. How long does it last?"_

" _Exactly three minutes, 'tebayo," says Naruto. "Now, we'd better see if I can cast it on both of us." Naruto walks around to the front of Sasuke and draws the seal on the ground between them. "Put your hands on the seal." Naruto tells Sasuke. Sasuke does so and Naruto weaves the hand signs once more. "Fuuin: Time Stop!" Says Naruto as he lays his hands on top of Sasuke's and activates the seal._

 _At that moment, they are woken by the healers. They awaken to a frozen battlefield, with relieved healers paused above them._

 _Naruto and Sasuke sit up and grin at each other. Sasuke pulls the bandage off her arm._

" _Your hair is still in pigtails!" giggles Naruto._

 _Sasuke puts up her hand to touch her hair. She laughs. "Let's go kill Zetsu."_

" _Let's find the masked man," says Naruto. "I want to pull his pants down."_

 _Sasuke floats up into the air and looks around. "There he is," she says, pointing down at the ground. "He's dead. It would be a bit weird to pull a dead guy's pants down."_

" _What about that guy?" asks Naruto, pointing at the roof of the temple. A man is sitting on the roof of the temple, watching the battle with an amused smile on his face._

" _Yes," says Sasuke, sticking her nose in the air haughtily. "That's what he gets for just sitting around and watching rather than helping." They fly over to the roof of the temple and yank the man's pants down. The man is wearing boxer shorts with cartoon pictures of the bijuu all over them. Sasuke giggles. "I kinda like this guy."_

 _Naruto grins. "Maybe he was watching us for the Sage of Six Paths or something. Now let's go deal with Zetsu."_

 _The two kids fly over to zetsu and cast their jutsu again. The time stop seal ends as they are activating their zetsu-killing jutsu._

"And that's pretty much what happened," says Naruto, ending the jutsu.

"Um…" says Lord First, a little nervously. Everyone turns to look at him and sees Lord First, Lord Second, Mito and Gengetsu all huddled together with expressions of fear and concern on their faces. "About the guy on the Temple roof…"

"I did not appreciate having my pants pulled down," says the man on the Temple roof, his voice echoing across the temple courtyard.

"Heeey, Madara," says Lord First, grinning nervously. "How are you?"


	209. Madara Uchiha

Obito stares open-mouthed at fully-revived, rinnegan bearing Madara Uchiha. How is this possible?

"Hashirama!" grins Madara. "How is our village doing?"

"Oh, it's great," says Hashirama, the smile on his face turning to one of pride. "We're up to the Fifth Hokage: Fugaku Uchiha!"

"Yo," says Lord Fugaku, raising a hand in greeting.

"That's Madara Uchiha?" Sasuke whispers to Naruto. "We pulled down Madara Uchiha's pants?!"

"Yes you did, little girl," says Madara, apparently having heard Sasuke. "And I will-"

"HEY!" Yells Obito, noticing something strange. "Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

All of Madara's attention turns away from Naruto and Sasuke, only to zoom in on Obito. "Why aren't you following our plan? I saved your life and you didn't even do what I asked of you in return. Explain, now."

"Um…" Obito panics. "Sorry?"

"Don't apologise!" snaps Madara, glowering angrily at Obito. "Tell me what happened!"

Rin puts her hand on Obito's arm. "Start when you gave Kakashi your sharingan," she says softly. "So that the people here have some context."

"Okay," says Obito, forcing himself to calm down. He takes a deep breath, fixes a point of time in his mind and does the hand signs. "Flashback no jutsu!"

The world turns white for a second before taking Obito and everyone else back many years to a large tree outside a cave.

 _Young Obito looks down at the cave from his perch in the tree. Birds chirp nearby, signalling that they are not bothered by his presence. Obito pulls out a kunai and says, "Time to go." He is the picture of determination._

" _Go where?" asks a Stone ninja, appearing behind Obito._

 _Obito turns in shock, just as Kakashi appears and slices the Stone ninja across the chest. The Stone ninja falls back, and comes to land on a nearby branch. The two Leaf ninjas and the Stone ninja stare at each other for a few seconds._

" _That silver hair and white chakra blade…" the Stane ninja says, disbelief evident in his voice. "Could you be the White Fang of the Leaf?"_

" _No," says Kakashi, irritation evident in his voice. "He's dead, dumbass."_

 _The Stone ninja thinks about this for a second. "Oh, you're his brat. That makes more sense." The ninja grins. "Well, I guess I have nothing to be afraid of."_

"Aw, you were so cute when you were a kid, Kakashi sensei!" says Naruto, interrupting the flashback.

"I was also an asshole," says Kakashi rubbing the back of his head in embarrassment.

"Yes you were," says Rin, grinning.

"Hey!" snaps Tenzou, glaring at Rin. "He's still an asshole. But he's MY asshole, so you can all shut it."

"Yep," nods Naruto, crossing his arms. "He reads boring porn when he's supposed to be training us."

Sasuke hits Naruto. "Make Out Paradise is NOT boring."

"Sasuke, you know you're not allowed to read that smut," sighs Lord Fugaku.

"Back to the flashback, please," says Madara. "I don't have all day."

"Yes, Madara," says Obito, and unpauses the flashback.

 _The Stone ninja uses the camouflage jutsu to vanish from sight._

" _I can't smell him or sense his chakra," says young Kakashi. "Stay on your guard while I locate him the hard way." Then Kakashi stiffens. "Behind you!" he moves to attack the Stone ninja, who appears behind Obito, only to be slashed across the face._

 _The Stone ninja leaps away as Kakashi falls backwards, clutching his face in pain._

 _Obito starts to cry._

" _I'm not dead yet," says Kakashi sternly. "Don't lower your guard."_

 _Obito raises his goggles and wipes his eyes on his sleeve. His face sets in determination and he stands, a kunai in his hands. "DIE!" snaps Obito, as he turns and stabs the Stone ninja right as the enemy is about to attack._

" _What's with your eyes?" asks the stone ninja, staring in horror at the glaring red sharingan in Obito's eyes._

" _I will protect my comrades," says Obito firmly as the Stone ninja falls dead._

" _Obito, your eyes…" says Kakashi, staring._

 _Obito stares down at his hands in astonishment. "Yeah… I think this is the sharingan. I can see the flow of chakra…"_

" _Cool," interrupts Kakashi. "We need to bandage my eye and hurry up and save Rin."_

" _Oh, right!" agrees Obito. Quickly, he helps Kakashi bandage his eye and the two boys head down to the cave to rescue their teammate._

"So were you two on a rescue mission or…" interrupts one of the Order of Steve.

"Nah, we abandoned our mission to rescue Rin," says Obito. "Rin got captured and I was like: f*** the mission, let's save Rin! And Kakashi was like: But… and I was like: Your Dad was a legit badass, let's do what he did. People who abandon their comrades are worse than scum."

Sakumo Hatake looks confused, but flattered.

"Ahem." Madara clears his throat.

"Ah!" yelps Obito. "Sorry!" He unpauses the flashback.

 _Kakashi and Obito enter the cave, where a second Stone ninja has Rin tied up._

" _Her chakra is all disturbed," says Obito, as if he discovered something of great importance._

" _She's under a genjutsu," says Kakashi, as if that much was obvious._

 _The Stone ninja grins, draws out two blades attached to his wrists and runs forward to attack Obito and Kakashi. Using his new sharingan to speed up his movements, Obito leans back and, using his hands to propel himself into the air, he plants his feet on the Stone ninjas forearms, stopping his attack. As Obito does this, Kakashi leaps over his head and slices the Stone ninja across the back, knocking him down._

 _Without bothering to check if the Stone ninja is dead or unconscious, Obito and Kakashi run over to Rin. Obito cuts her free while Kakashi releases the genjutsu._

 _The Stone ninja gets up saying, "That was a nice combination, but you're just a bunch of brats." He slams his hand onto the ground and yells, "Earth Style: Stone Collapse!"_

 _The cave begins to shake and small rocks begin to break free from the ceiling._

" _RUN!" Orders Kakashi, and the three Leaf ninjas run for the exit. A rock hits Kakashi on his blind side, knocking him to the ground._

 _Obito runs back and picks up Kakashi, who looks stunned. The roof begins to fall on them. Obito tosses Kakashi to safety just before the boulders falling from the cave ceiling hit the ground. When the dust clears, Rin and Kakashi are safe but Obito lies, half crushed, beneath a boulder._

 _Kakashi scrambles over to Obito and tries to push the boulder off him. The boulder refuses to budge._

" _It's okay, Kakashi," says Obito, smiling. "It doesn't look like I'm going to make it."_

" _I should've listened to you from the start!" cries Kakashi, beating his fist against the ground._

 _Rin sits in the dirt dejectedly and cries._

" _I don't deserve to be a captain," Kakashi whines. "Or a jounin."_

" _Oh," says Obito, as if he just remembered something important. "That's right. I forgot to get you a present for becoming a jounin. I know… I'll give you this sharingan."_

 _Rin gasps and Kakashi's eyes widen._

" _Rin," says Obito. "Please use your medical ninjutsu to transplant my sharingan into Kakashi's wounded eye. I'm going to die," he says addressing Kakashi again. "But I will become your eye and see the future."_

 _Once the transplant is completed, Kakashi explodes a hole in the top of the collapsed cavern. Even though the onlookers could have seen what Kakashi was doing, anything outside Obito's line of sight is a field of white. They hear, rather than see the Stone ninja say, "You're just a kid, after all. What's a shinobi doing crying?"_

 _And Kakashi is crying, but only from Obito's sharingan._

" _Kakashi, protect Rin," says Obito._

" _Yeah," agrees Kakashi, drawing his chakra blade. Kakashi leaps forward, out of their line of sight. They hear the sound of metal on metal followed by the sound of a blade shattering. And then they see a brilliant white light accompanied by a sound like a thousand birds chirping. The stone ninja reappears over the edge of the mound of rocks, and falls dead. Kakashi leans over the edge, panting for breath._

" _Enemy reinforcements are coming," says Obito, and pulls his hand out of Rin's grasp. "Go."_

 _Kakashi's eyes widen in panic as he senses something the onlookers cannot see. "Rin! Hurry, take my hand!" He holds out his hand for her. She turns away from Obito and grabs Kakashi's hand. The rocks surrounding Obito collapse in on him, and the memory fades into darkness._

"So did you die or not?" asks Naruto, screwing up his face. "That part is really unclear. I mean, you just got crushed, but you're right here, alive. What happened next, dattebayo?"

"Be patient," says Obito. "There is more."


	210. Obito and Madara

The flashback world shifts to a dark cavern where an ancient man sits beside young Obito. The image of the cave is crystal clear, as if Obito knew every inch of it. Obito is lying on a bed, bandaged heavily down his right side. The shells of white zetsus hang from a strange statue at the end of the cavern.

" _Where am I?" asks Obito, looking up at the old man._

" _Somewhere between life and death, Uchiha child," says the old man._

 _Obito's face falls. Then he notices the old man's left eye. His right eye is hidden by his fringe. "Your eyes...are you an Uchiha?"_

" _Well, maybe," says the old man._

" _Oh well," says Obito, losing interest. "Where are we? It's dark and I can't see very well. Who are you, anyway?" Then he laughs. "Don't tell me you're a shinigami?" Obito's smile turns to an expression of horror when he sees that the old man's walking stick is, in fact, a scythe. "NOOO!" Obito screams. "I DON'T WANNA DIE!"_

 _The old man watches Obito calmly, an expression of disappointment on his face._

" _HELP! I just saw your scythe!" Obito continues to gabble in distress. "You must be a shinigami for sure! I've lived my whole life under a creed of helping old people! I know I've caused lots of mischief and broken a ton of rules! I'm sure the scale must tip on the positive side! Please don't take me to Hell! OWWW!" Obito screws up his face as the pain from his injuries hits him._

" _The fact that you can feel pain means you are alive," says the old man calmly. "But it is a miracle you are alive. I am amazed that those boulders did not crush you. It is almost as if you passed right through them."_

" _Where did you find me?" asks Obito, much calmer now that the threat of dying is passed._

" _In a passage way that I created," says the old man. "Collapsed by a pile of rocks. Half of your body was crushed. I patched you up as best I could."_

"Why?" asks Lord Fugaku, turning to Madara. "Why did you help him? I know some people can survive having half their body crushed, but he was a stranger who meant nothing to you right?"

"That's true," says Lord First, answering for Madara. "But Madara only has two weaknesses. The inability to pee if someone is watching and the inability to watch a child die."

"I reckon you'd get on with Iruka-nii," says Naruto, smiling radiantly at Madara. "He has a soft spot for kids too."

"Yes, well," Madara sounds a bit embarrassed. "Back to the flashback please. And for those of you who aren't as sharp as Fugaku: yes that is me."

" _So you saved me?" says young Obito, smiling. "Thank you."_

" _Don't bother thanking me," says Madara. "I expect you to repay your debt to me. After all, helping the elderly is you motto, isn't it."_

" _Well, yes," says Obito. "So what do you want me to do?" Madara is silent so Obito asks glumly, "Do you want help with bathroom stuff?"_

" _That would be good," says Madara, quite calmly._

 _Obito's face falls._

Naruto falls over laughing.

Obito blushes.

"What?" says Madara, shrugging. "I was elderly. Obviously that's not a problem now."

 _Young Obito tries to wriggle out of it. "I'm sorry, but I can't stay here forever. There's a war going on, and now that my sharingan is awakened, I'll be able to protect my comrades even better."_

" _Protect you comrades, eh?" says Madara, sadly. "I'm sorry, but with your body the way it is, your life as a shinobi is over."_

" _No!" yells Obito, upset by the news. "No, no, no! I've finally awakened my sharingan! It can't be over! Not when I've finally gotten stronger!"_

" _Wake up to reality," says Madara sadly. "Nothing in life is fair. The longer you live, the more you see that only pain, suffering and futility exist in this world. Listen to me: wherever there is light, there are also shadows. Wherever there are victors, someone else is vanquished. The desire for peace creates war, and hatred is born to protect love. These things are opposites that cannot exist without each other."_

 _Obito rolls his eyes in boredom. "Where are we?"_

 _Madara gazes keenly at Obito. "Because you were hurt someone else was saved, isn't that so?"_

 _Obito's stiffens. His mouth falls open. It is clear he understands what Madara is saying. "SHUT UP!" He yells. "I don't want to stay here forever! Ow..." Obito stops to wince in pain._

" _Leave if you really want to," says Madara, turning away. "If you can move, that is." Madara walks slowly to a chair nearby, dragging his scythe along beside him._

 _Obito watches him, growing more agitated by the second. Finally, he says, "You're a rogue ninja, aren't you? Just who are you?"_

" _I am a relic of the past," says Madara. "A ghost of the Uchiha clan. I am Madara Uchiha."_

" _MADARA?!" screams Obito. "But aren't you dead? What era do you think this is?!"_

" _A moment ago, you were ready to believe I am a shinigami," says Madara, quite calmly. "But perhaps I am a shinigami, because this world is truly hell."_

 _Obito stares, his eyes widening in horror._

" _I have cheated death by syphoning chakra from the Gedo Statue behind me, otherwise I would be long dead," explains Madara._

 _Obito turns to look at the creepy statue looming in the corner. Dried out husks of white zetsus hang from branch-like tails and what looks like a person is petrified in the front of the statue. Hands reach up beside the person, making it look as tough three people are trapped in the statue, unable to get out._

" _I'm going home!" says Obito, sounding frightened and desperate. Obito rolls off the bed and starts dragging himself along the ground by his chin._

" _You won't get far," says Madara. "Neither of us can leave with our bodies. If you keep moving around, the synthetic tissue from Hashirama that I went to the trouble of grafting to your body will peel off. Don't rush to your death after I went to all the trouble of saving you."_

"You did what now with my tissue?" demands the reanimated Hashirama.

"I used it to make the gedo statue stronger and help keep myself alive," explains Madara. "And I grafted a combination of white zetsu cells and your DNA into Obito to rebuild his body. He didn't know it at the time, but I made him far stronger than he ever would have been otherwise."

"I can use wood style," says Obito. "But I suck at it."

"Pfft, no you don't," says Nagato. "Now pay attention to the flashback. It's just starting to get good."

 _Young Obito is still trying desperately to crawl away from Madara._

" _There are a lot of things I'd like you to do for me," says old Madara._

" _Like what?" demands Obito, pausing his pitiful attempt at escape. "What could an old guy like you possibly want from a kid like me?"_

" _To sever the fate of the world," says Madara, suddenly very, very serious. "A world of only victors, a world of only peace, a world of only happiness: I will create such a world."_

" _SO WHAT?" snaps Obito. "Who cares? I just want to go home."_

" _Nothing goes as planned," says Madara. "You will realize that in time."_

 _Obito ignores him and keeps shuffling along the ground._

" _If you want to die so badly, go ahead," says Madara, watching Obito with pity in his visible eye. "But I'll be taking that sharingan of yours."_

 _Obito stops his shuffling and glares at Madara. "What do you want my eye for?" he demands. "You've got your own sharingan."_

" _My eyes are on loan to another," says Madara. "This is a spare that I transplanted later. I'd like to get a few more in stock, since I don't have a right eye yet." Madara pulls aside his fringe, revealing an empty eye socket. "However, I do have an old pair that no longer work for me. One of them might be just the thing to replace your left eye. But I will not give it to you if you insist on getting yourself killed. With two eyes together, the true power of the sharingan can be unleashed."_

"Hey, that reminds me," says Obito, interrupting his own flashback. "Whose eyes were they?" He points to his left eye: his rinnegan. "Whose eye was this?"

"Mine," says Madara. "That was the left eye I was born with. The eyes I gave to Nagato originally belonged to my brother, Izuna. After he died, I took his eyes because my own were failing from sharingan overuse. They were no good for me, but for you? They were just fine."


	211. Obito's Recovery

Stunned silence greets the revelation that Obito's left eye belonged to Madara.

Finally, Nagato says, "Maybe we should form a club. The My Eyes Used To Belong To Someone Else Club."

"That reminds me," says Lord Fugaku. "The T-Shirts for the Mythic Doujutsu Club arrived. Nagato, Obito: you two can collect yours when we're done here."

"Awesome," says Obito, then seeing the look on Madara's face, he unpauses the flashback and continues his story. "I'll fast forward a bit to cut out most of the boring parts where I just sleep on and off for a while."

 _Obito lies on his bed, staring up at the ceiling while Madara sleeps sitting in his chair over by the gedo statue. Two white zetsu, one with a face that resembles a giant swirly lollipop, and the other with curved spikes sticking out of its waist, stand at the foot of Obito's bed, watching him._

" _How do you feel?" asks the swirly zetsu._

 _Obito sits up and shuffles back, away from the creepy white monsters. "Bad," he says. "How do you think I'm doing?" Most of Obito's bandages are off now, with just the large tarpaulin-like cover over the right side of his torso left. "How long have I been here?" he asks. "It feels like ages."_

" _Don't worry," says Spiky zetsu cheerfully. "You don't have to pay rent."_

" _Those of us created from the gedo statue don't have to eat either," chimes in Swirly zetsu. "So no food bills. We don't even poo!"_

" _Don't lump me in with you guys," says Obito, rubbing the covering on the right half of his torso. "Only half of me is made of the same stuff as you."_

" _And thanks to that you can survive without eating and drinking," says Spiky zetsu nodding. "You should be grateful to us."_

" _FOR WHAT?" demands Obito. "Madara was the one who saved me!"_

" _But Madara put us in charge of watching you," say the both zetsu is unison._

" _DON'T TALK IN SYNC!" yells Obito. "IT'S ANNOYING!"_

" _Now don't be like that," says Spiky zetsu. "Madara told us to help you with your rehabilitation so that you are up and running by the time he wakes up."_

" _So Madara gets to sleep while he makes you two do all the hard work, huh?" mutters Obito. "I have to get well so I can get out of here!"_

" _Oh!" says Swirly zetsu, slapping his fist against his palm in sudden understanding. "Do you want to go back to Rin and Bakakashi?"_

 _Obito's face transforms into a hilarious expression of shock. "How do you know those names?" he asks, his eyes wide._

" _You talk in your sleep," says Spiky Zetsu._

 _Obito looks mortified. "How do I get out of here?" he asks, sounding a little desperate._

" _Can't be done," says Swirly. "Madara made us seal the exit after we dragged you here on his orders."_

" _What?!" A panicked expression takes over Obito's face. "Then how am I going to get out of here?"_

" _Not our problem," says Spiky zetsu shrugging._

" _Where did the rest of you go?" Obito demands, seeing that the white zetsus hanging from the tree are all gone. "If the entrance is sealed, how'd they get out?"_

" _They went outside to collect intel," says Spiky zetsu. "We can all move through the earth."_

" _But never mind that," interrupts Swirly zetsu. "I have something very important to ask you."_

" _What is it?" asks Obito, obviously not interested._

" _What does it feel like to poo?"_

It is not so much the question as the expression on Young Obito's face that causes everyone at the Temple of Jashin to start laughing. Of course, some laugh harder than others, but even Madara laughs a little.

 _Young Obito glares angrily at the zetsus and growls, "So you can come and go as you please but I have to stay here and listen to all sorts of weird things!"_

" _I am sorry for asking about poo!" the zetsu immediately apologises._

" _That was weird, but I'm actually talking about all that dumb stuff Madara said!" shouts Obito, angrily._

" _Madara is not nice enough to dumb things down for a brat like you," says Spiky zetsu, sighing. "Basically, he wants to erase all the bad things in the world and escape inside a dream where everything is exactly how you want it. Even the dead can come back to life!"_

" _It's like casting a BIG genjutsu over the whole world, and everyone is in their own dream where everything is perfect for them!" elaborates Swirly zetsu._

" _That makes no sense," says Obito, pulling a face. "I'm not interested. Besides, I need to get back to Rin and Kakashi." Obito climbs off the bed and staggers over to the cave wall. He begins to walk around the cavern. Each step is incredibly painful, as his right leg is held together with medical tape and zetsu cells. When Obito falls, Swirly zetsu catches him and helps him to carry on._

 _Eventually, two other zetsus return. Obito continues his rehabilitation while they cheer him on. He unwraps his new arm and starts moving it around and developing muscles in it. The first time he manages to shakily stand on his feet without support, Swirly zetsu is so happy it hugs him._

 _Obito practices balancing things on his new hand, and balancing on his right leg. As time drags on, he begins to exercise more methodically. There is much less urgency in his movements as he begins sparring with Swirly zetsu and, after a while, he even starts doing press ups with Swirly sitting on his back. Spiky zetsu looks on smiling as Obito regains his former strength. Slowly, painstakingly, Obito is recovering._

 _And then one day Spiky zetsu gives Obito a jar containing an eye. "Madara told us to give you this once we were sure you would recover," it says. "Now you just have to let us transplant this eye into your empty eye socket!"_

 _Obito calmly lets them transplant the eye into his left eye socket and gets back to his recovery. Several days pass before Obito can take the bandage off his new eye and test it. Once he does, Obito simply confirms he can see out of it and carries on rehabilitating._

 _The urgency might have gone, but his determination to recover is no less. He carries on training as his hair grows longer his body grows stronger._

* * *

 _One night, as Obito rests, Spiky zetsu emerges from the boulder. "Obito!" he says urgently. "Your friends Kakashi and Rin are in trouble!"_

" _What happened?" demands Obito, sitting up._

" _They are alone and completely surrounded by Mist shinobi!" says Spiky zetsu._

 _Obito leaps off the bed, all the urgency back in every inch of his body. THe bed shatters beneath him as he leaps towards the bounder and runs across the cavern. He pulls his right fist back and punches the boulder, putting a large dent in it. Obito's prosthetic arm crumbles and falls off, unable to withstand the force Obito struck the rock with._

 _Obito stares at the boulder in desperate horror. He clutches his shoulder in pain._

 _Swirly zetsu walks up behind him, a long tether connecting the back of its head to the gedo statue. "You can't break through that boulder with your current strength," says Swirly zetsu._

" _But I have to go and help Rin and Kakashi!" says Obito desperately._

" _Then let me help you," says Swirly zetsu, unravelling its body and enveloping Obito. "Wear my body and use my strength."_

" _Is that okay?" asks Obito. "Don't you guys work for Madara?"_

" _Isn't he a good boy?" says Spiky Zetsu as Swirly's head wraps around Obito's. It looks like a white version of the mask that present-day Obito wears as Rain._

" _It'll be alright," says Swirly zetsu. "Madara won't mind you helping your friends."_

" _Thanks, guys," says Obito gratefully. He flexes his fists and walks calmly up to the boulder. Obito draws his fist back, the tether linking him and Swirly to the gedo statue pulses, and then Obito punches the boulder. It shatters into a thousand pieces which crash to the ground in a cloud of dust._

" _Nice move," says Spiky Zetsu. "Staying tethered to the statue and using its power was a good idea."_

" _So you're leaving then?" says Madara. Apparently the noise woke him up._

 _Obito reaches behind his head and pulls out the teather. Swirly zetsu's head unravels into a collar of spikes, leaving Obito's head free. "I have to save my friends," he says. "I am grateful that you saved me, but I have to go now."_

" _It may be premature to thank me," says Madara forebodingly._

" _I won't be coming back here," says Obito._

" _Yes you will," says Madara, and sits back. "And then you will show me how grateful you really are."_

" _Where are Kakashi and Rin?" asks Obito._

" _Don't worry," says Spiky zetsu. "You are wearing a clone of me. We can communicate telepathically over short distances. We also have many more of us spread out underground."_

" _I'll use them to guide you to your friends," says Swirly zetsu, poking Obito in the face with one of the tendrils that form his head._

" _Let's go then," says Obito. He leaps through the debris from the boulder and finds himself in a room filled with weapons. A few cloaks are hanging on the wall, so Obito grabs one and wraps it around himself as he passes._

" _What's the situation?" asks Obito as they emerge into the outside world. It is night, and few stars shine through the thick clouds overhead._

" _The others are saying something about test subjects," says Swirly. "But I don't understand what they mean."_

" _Where is Minato sensei?" demands Obito._

" _Who?"_

" _The Yellow Flash of the Leaf!"_

" _Oh, he's on a different mission," says Swirly. "But since I am stronger than you, you should let me do the fighting when we arrive. Most of the Mist ninjas up ahead are ANBU and jounin. Ah, but who knows? Maybe the combination of the Senji tissue Madara attached to you and your Uchiha blood will cause a new power to emerge."_


End file.
